030: Incremental Trust Building for Co-Parents: A Challenge from International Expert Dr. Michael Saini

Co-parents often find themselves at a stalemate with one parent distrustful of the other. Trust can be rebuilt, and returning guest Dr. Michael Saini has some tips on how to do it.

On today’s episode of Children First Family Law, Krista welcomes back Dr. Saini, a Toronto-based renowned psychologist who has authored more than 200 publications, including book chapters, government reports, systematic reviews, and a vast number of peer-reviewed journal articles highlighting research in the area of family law and its impact on children. Dr. Saini is a passionate advocate for children’s rights.

Krista and Dr. Saini begin their conversation by explaining the importance of establishing boundaries around trust and repairing trust violations in the context of a divorce situation. Dr. Saini outlines the research on trust as the number one dynamic for co-parenting success, emphasizing the importance of accepting who your co-parent is and building trust despite any disputes you may have with them. He shares why coming to terms with “good enough” parenting can be helpful, how the erosion of trust can lead to additional conflicts as co-parents, and why the conflict is worse for your kids than getting your way in the fight you’re having with your co-parent. You’ll hear Dr. Saini’s method of using mini goals to rebuild trust with your co-parent, the foundation childhood creates for trusting or distrusting in future relationships, the importance of exposing kids to new romantic partners carefully, and learning to become comfortable with your new roles post-divorce. Finally, Krista and Dr. Saini explain when trust-building models aren’t appropriate and how to figure out what each parent is willing to do to demonstrate their trustworthiness.

Trust is a complex and significant topic in divorce, and Dr. Michael Saini’s tips can help you rebuild trust with your co-parent and foster a healthy relationship for your children, thereby breaking intergenerational conflict tendencies.

In this episode, you will hear:

• Building boundaries around trust and repairing trust violations
• Research about trust being the number one dynamic for co-parenting success
• Dr. Michael Saini’s take on viewing trust as a bank account with a positive or negative balance based on experiences
• The importance of coming to a place of acceptance of your co-parent, thinking beyond the dispute, and building trust
• “Good enough” parenting and not placing your standards on the other parent
• Why emotional processing is like an iceberg, because we only see a small portion of it
• How erosion of trust leads to additional conflict in co-parenting
• For your kids, the impact of the conflict is far more harmful than who 'wins' the argument.
• Anger and fear as secondary emotions to fear
• Using mini goals to rebuild trust
• Childhood is the foundation for trusting or distrusting future relationships
• When conflict is modeled poorly over generations,kids can repeat the same unhealthy patterns rather than learning how to resolve them
• Exposing kids to new romantic partners very carefully
• Boundary ambiguity post-divorce and becoming comfortable with new roles
• When the trust-building models are not appropriate, especially considering the dynamics of violence
• What each parent is willing to do to demonstrate trustworthiness

Resources from this Episode

www.childrenfirstfamilylaw.