Episode One: Ari Shaffir | Co-Host Wanted with Mike Feeney - Co-Host Wanted with Mike Feeney

Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Hi, I'm Mike Feeney.
You might know me as a comedianor that guy from the internet.
You want a punch in the face?
I'm on the hunt for a co-hostfor my wildly successful podcast.
I've received hundreds of applicationsfrom some of the funniest people
on the planet.
Join me to see if they have what it takesto be my co-host.
Welcome to co-host wanted.
Today I'm interviewing a comedian,podcaster, and social irritant.

(00:21):
He's been called a provocateur,which is the most obnoxious way
to say annoying.
He's a professional burner of bridges,artistically honest, and a part time
psychedelic rabbi.
It's Irish affair, ladies and gentlemen.All right. Thanks.
Thanks for comingin. Welcome. Thanks for having me, Rachel.
I like all those. Yeah.
I feel like doucheyone felt like, comedian and podcaster.
The podcaster part feels lame.

(00:43):
You don't think that'sa part of your identity at this point?
You've been.
You did so skeptic tankfor how many, like, over a decade.
Was it a decade? 13. 14 years? Yeah. Yeah.
Isn't that.That's what everyone has become now?
We're all podcasters is so cool.
It's above actor for most people.Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah. Actors. It's over.
Yeah, it's.
It's Hollywood stuff to talk aboutbefore we start.

(01:04):
Jesse Eisenberg what a fucking.
Yeah, douche.
Barf is.
Yeah, but he just has an annoying face.You want to punch in there?
Like, why do you think you're betterthan anyone?
I know, but that's. And it's not becausehe's doing well.
Plenty of people are doing well.You sure? Punch them.
Yeah. I don't want. Because he's Jewish.
No Jewish people?
No. Hey, nothing against them.
Love thembecause you don't know your fucking place.

(01:25):
That's what it is, isn't it?
Because he.
He doesn't. There'sI think, like, nerd culture.
Like, he just looks like he would be a guywho you want to bully in high school.
You just want to, like,pick him up by the backpack a little bit.
He's also just doing Michael Cera.
Yeah, but, like, I'm more annoying.
Michael Cera was was likable and was,you know, it felt
vulnerable where Jesse Eisenberg is like,no, you're an idiot.

(01:48):
You know, like, he's like a he'sa guy who goes, actually, you know, he's
the actually guy and correctsyou on everything.
Yeah, right.
Yeah.
Boycott his movies, everyone.
Yeah. Here we go.
Start the, No, no, no, don't.
You can't. No! Jesse!
No! Joe.
Oh, no. No, I was going to.
Yeah, it was three minutes in. Let's for.
Yeah.
Let's get a hashtag to boycottJesse Eisenberg projects.

(02:11):
All future works.
Everything else work as a producer. Yeah.
Anything he does in life.
Anything he touches this hashtag.
This will be the.
This will be the big.This will be the thing that gets it.
This will be like, Hannibal'sCosby thing.
This is how it starts.
This will be our viral Eisenberg.
We got eyes and barf and, Yeah.
Something's there.If we had it, we could get it going.

(02:32):
Yeah, yeah, we'll workshop it,put it on the put it in the comments.
All right, let's, I am excitedyou here though.
Man, this is nice. I'm excited.
I am I'm very excited because your name,first off, just your name alone.
To me, it sounds like,like a fancy Israeli dessert
that I'd orderand then immediately regret.
You know what I mean? Yeah. It's like,oh, too much Lobdell.
Yeah, yeah, I love the Orisha. Fear.

(02:53):
Vomit, vomit. Diarrhea.
Can I tell you what I went to?
I got some Israeli food.
I said thatI have to make sure they know that I am.
Yeah.
So I'm like, do you need to make do theydo they not pick that up?
That I know that.
I mean, I do with Arab restaurants too,when they're like,
I'll have the falafel platterand the, slug and the, Alyssa, please.

(03:14):
You throw that little accent on there?
Yeah.
Just had some, like,
have you ever has that ever reflected inany sort of discount or,
or sort of like a not even, even a, notI do to my moons
all the time, like I don't you'retalking about I'm like, give me half.
And they're like, I'm like hot sauce.
I feel like the last time I sawI went to my moons, it was.
It was like Mexican paperwork.It's all Mexicans.

(03:34):
Yeah, yeah,but the rest of my moon died. The.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, the picture of himas, like, a grown man is from 1972.
It is a it's,it's a pretty old restaurant.
I would it's I that's actually not.
I don't know why I reactedsurprised to hearing he's dead.
I thought he just died.
If you told me that. Yeah, that's.
What if you told methat my moon never existed,
I would have said like,it's like Smith and Wilensky.
You know how that was just.

(03:55):
It was just.
That was just a companywho wanted to create a steakhouse.
And they literally just took two namesthat sounded good.
There's no Smith, there's no wollensky.They just made that up.
They, like, took two phone book namesor like Smith Wollensky.
Wow, that sounds like a steakhouse.
You'd pay a lot of money to go eat at it.It is, it is, and it's good.
The Colorado best cut of the city.
You'vealways been a Denny's started, is it?
Yeah. There was this guy, and it was like,what would you want to put a one on?

(04:17):
Like, that wouldn't be a placelike with two names like Denny's.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You've always been a bit of a lone wolf,
so why do you think that you'd bea good co-host?
Okay,so I want to give up some of the power.
Okay?
I have to be on all times and be ready.
I want to just get in there and tag.
I have done my own thing for too long.

(04:38):
I just want to be a writer.
Okay, nice.
Yeah,I want to be just like I'm just here.
Also, I'm in the stage of my liferight now where I'm getting drunk a lot.
Okay,so at some point when you're drinking,
you're out with Sean Patton or someonewho's like another and you're like,
I got an enabler.
He is.
Oh, he's one of the best drinkers.

(04:59):
Truly, of all time. He'sso fun to be around.
Yeah, yeah.Just do the same thing. Like a model.
I'm one where he's just like.
He's just like, I got around, like, okay.
Yeah, he just makes it fun.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But then
you got to be prepared forthis thing as a co-host.
I'm just ready with the tag.
And even if I'm too fucked.

(05:20):
Yeah, I think it'll still be funny.
I'll add to that if anything else.
And I'm kind of like a.
Let's say you got Andy Richter. This seat.
I'm over here.
We get Andy and.
Yeah, yeah, AndyRichards, let's say he's the guest,
and he just leans over and sees megoing like, that's a laugh right there.
It just is sweating. Jamison.
And he's like, man, I never did that.
I'm like, well, you wasting it, Andy.

(05:40):
Yeah, but it but it right in the balls.
Not ha ha ha ha. Say right in Richter's
dude.
Why he hasn't come up
with a right in the Richter'stag like it's a fucking perfect.
Well, he died, but,
Yeah. Okay. I like that. So.
Yeah. Yeah.
Because I, because I feel like I'ma bit of, like more of, like a, a planner.

(06:01):
And I'm totally down for someone to bethe yin to the yang kind of a situation.
Yeah.
You're busy fucking preparing,getting your hair ready. Yeah.
If either of those problems.
This is great. Okay. That's good.
You've been on,Joe Rogan's podcast dozens of times,
so I know, you know,the pressure of a, like,
a massive audience,like it won't paralyze you.
I know that online. Right? The vaccine.

(06:22):
I didn'tI didn't show you the numbers yet.
Have I,
whatever.
I was talking about the vaccine.
Yeah. Yeah. It's so funny
that everyone, like, cares about somethingfor a while and then stops caring.
Totally.
Yeah, I will say someone.
I think Jordan Jensen just told meshe just had Covid and I was like, what?

(06:43):
Still, it's a thing now.
It's like, how do you even know? Yeah.How did you get that?
You had a call and you would get test.
I was going to say you went to get a testand she's like, I don't know.
It was terrible.But they say it's just the fluids.
At some point you just go, well yes.
So you're sick, right? Just stay home.
Yeah. You're just Sue, you'rejust you're just, flu.
I said sick and flu.
Wow.
I looks like I need to pick me up because.

(07:04):
No, I see a case.
But, but, yeah, these are the.
I'll show youthe numbers of it. It's pretty.
They've been pretty good. Was that.
I like that little magic trick you did.
So you can see, you know, we're doingpretty well right now, and, I just.
Yeah, it's pretty big, good numbers.
So, again,we're not we're not at Rogan's level yet.
I wouldn't want to, you know, upset,you know, that whole apple cart.

(07:26):
But again I like it's a knock for you.
It's a positive for youthat you can handle the pressure.
You know, I can, you're the only person.
By the way, I want to say this sincerely.
You're the only person I've metwho pays people to do his podcast.
Which which, by the way, only one.
The only one I ever done in my life. And.
But but I will say it inspired me,and I've decided that
I am going to do that too.

(07:47):
Is is is am I getting cancer?
This might also.
Yeah. Well, no, no. By the way,this this isn't a podcast.
This is an interview.
So, but if you would,when I find the permanent co-host,
I'm definitely goingto start paying people.
So that's that's a good. Okay.
Yeah. Yeah.Because this is just the interview.
This doesn't really count as their show.
So but but but I do think more people should do that.
Pay it forward.
Have you ever doneany other podcast that pays?

(08:11):
Theo.
Theo's pays. Okay. Theo, pay me like a G.
That's great.
I heard, Dallas alt comic Russian
named New York alt comic alt comic rush.
He's a little older, probably like 50.
Tim almost had it.
He's like a story one.
Guy.
He took everybody out to lunch onetime, and.

(08:31):
Oh, that's nice.
What the fuck's his name?
Russian. He name.
But he was in the alt scene here, okay?
Russian. But he wasn't Russian at all.
He was American.
See, the Russian name is.What's this throwing you off?
Yeah, yeah.
Alt scene.
Immediately when I hear alternate madego to like Joe Pera.
Yeah.He's probably just before that anyway.
Yeah he paid I heard

(08:52):
because he was like asking forlike you to do stories and he's like, hey,
I'll give you I'm making money off that.
I think he also paidlike a G more than me.
That's great.
Yeah, Norman said that.
But yeah, not many skankstalked about it for a minute.
Yeah, they sure did.
And then I go, we pay, we pay. My.
You keep saying you pay. Yeah.
To people who have never been paid.
Yeah.
Louis also mentioned melike I'm right here and I've been on

(09:15):
I remember I would do realize podcastand Louis I would like
have to pay for a parking garage
and Louis is like,I'm not paying you to Park City.
And I was like, okay, that's like,just lose money every single time.
Oh, yeah.
What's whatwhat would the co-host make, though?
What do you mean?
Well, these guests are getting paid. Yeah.
Oh, but, buddy,you're you're coming in on ad revenue.
You're comingon. Yeah. You're you're part of the.
Yeah. You're going to be well equipped.I mean, I know you do.

(09:38):
Okay. Now, but this is youryou won't have to do anything.
You can tour if you want, but you don't.
You don't have to do anything else.
I think I don't do as well as peoplethink.
Well,then you put on air. It's pretty well.
I constantly get all these like comments.
Sometimes they'll be like me and somebodywill be talking about something.
They're like, oh yeah, two millionairestalking about whatever.
I'm like, who's the second one?
What?
Yeah, yeah.

(09:58):
And that it's a weird position of like,oh, you're just doing
not nearly as well as you should like.
Oh yeah. Fuck.
What, what I feel likeI feel like you're a guy though.
That.
And we'll get into thiswhen I get 100 bucks from the seller.
I'm like, nice.
That affects me every time.
That is that that makes me actually upseta little bit just because I, I would
I assume that you were in a muchwhere $100 was not like I, I picture

(10:21):
every every five times you do the seller,you go, you keep it, you give it to you.
Yeah, right.I've heard of stories like that.
No way.
I'll get my moons just so I don't have totip heavy at the seller because sells.
You can have price, but then you get a tipso much, it's like, what am I saying?
My money is cheap. And no,you have to tip.
You do have to tip heavy.
That is that the people always arewatching. Like, yeah.

(10:41):
And then there's that.
There's that thing where people go, hey,get a bottle of water.
And then you see a comic being like,
do I have to leave a five onasking for a bottle of water?
I just get one.
That's why I do love Rogan's club.
He just like,there's just mixers and tricks up
that stock that's like, just get great.
Great green room in the country.Greatest green room.
Yeah. You don't have to bug some bartenderto get a free drink.
Yeah.

(11:01):
You're actually just, like,fucking with the bartender, right?
You want mejust go and make my own exact drink.
100%.
What's the worst jobinterview you've ever been on?
Damn.
It's a tough one.
Trying to remember the old job interviewdays.

(11:23):
I mean, auditions where you just, like,don't remember lines.
Oh, yeah, those. But those aren't really.
I mean, there are kind of job interviews,but not really.
No, I'm talking like.
Yeah, like actual job.
Damn, it's been so long.
The last ones I went on was after college,I worked for, I interview
for the Discovery Channel.That went well, though.
I just didn't get it,but I think I was second.

(11:44):
I like building the websitefor discovery.
You're good at, like, website stuff.
I was okay and I had some creative bone,
so I would have been like,not a comic if I got that job.
Yeah, yeah. For sure.
Damn, I don't know.
I think I just got everyone I ever did.
Wow. That's I mean, hey, that's, Yeah,that's a positive for this, you know?
Well, I mean, there's
like.

(12:04):
All right, you take your time with thisinterview process, but I assume it's.
I assume it's done. Okay.
I love the confidence that.Oh, that helps. Do what about this?
Have you ever been.
I know you've you'veyou've nailed every job.
Have you ever been fired?
Oh, yeah.
Oh quite often.
Yes. The interview part is where I excel.Yeah, yeah.
Oh yeah.
See that's what I was like.
Yeah I knowI've had bad job. Really messed up jobs.

(12:26):
I mean, I guess this is the wrong thingto say at a job interview.
Sure.
Okay, let's.
We're supposed to say transparency.
No, it'd be weirdif you've never been fired.
Yeah, that was disconcerting, but I.
I would like to hear a good Domino'spizza got fired.
Okay.
Didn't you?
Weren't you in a Domino's commercial?

(12:47):
I was also Domino's commercial.
I mentioned to them that I was like,you know, I used to work for that.
I have my own hat and shirts, though.
If you want me to bring itin, they go, what?
Yeah.
I probably helped you get the audition.
They didn't have to do a fitting,you know.
Yeah, I, I must have one and a halffor the audition.
Commercial auditions of the dumbest.
It was just likeyou just had to wear something
that makes you look similar to the.

(13:07):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
One time I was doing one Coke Zero,I did a shake up
a bottle of Coke Zero versus, like, DietCoke and spray it in this guy's face.
Me and this other guy.Oh, and the other guy was,
that he was an the new girl.
And then he went on to do some othermovies. Was the Tom cruise movie.
Oh, I can picture his faceblanking on names today.
Yeah, I know who you're talking about.Short guy.

(13:29):
Yeah, yeah, I like curly hair.
Yeah, he'sthe other guy's fucking dude. I've.
That's the commercialized onewith Jeremy Renner.
Did you? Yeah. What? He was broke. Whoa.
Yeah. That rules.
Oh, wait.How did you get fired from Domino's?
They said it was not learning my routeenough.
Okay. You deliver taken too low. Yeah.
Type of like the realitythat I'll tell you.
Don't hear any of this.

(13:49):
No, this is just for public,private record.
I would just steal.
So I would just say I was late.
I was just after the 30 minutes, hadto give off money, you know, but I wasn't.
I just said I was, like, 31 minutes,just barely.
Messages. Barely messages.
Yeah, I said I would just pocketthat difference. Wow.
That's pretty sweet. Yeah.
Okay. Come back in now. Okay. Yeah, yeah.And we're back.
Any other, any other firing jobsyou can think of that was a good.

(14:12):
Yeah. A good life lesson for you.
It's for firing.
No, that's the one.
Okay. That's the one.
And it felt so bad, I was like,I don't ever want to get fired again.
Yeah. It does.
I had a guy oncetell me he fired me like a real
like he was very, bitter about it.
He was like,we're going to go in another direction.
But he said

(14:32):
that as he was literally passing me, andI thought he was doing like a literal bit.
Yeah.
I mean, and I was like,wait, are you are you serious?
And he was like, averting eye contact.It was so weird.
It was like it was, you know, arestaurant job, but it was just, you know,
I will tell you, though,
that getting fired from that job,I was too embarrassed
to pick up my last paycheckfor, like, three weeks.
I don't get it. But I'm like,I know they're all going to like.
But laterI realized it's Domino's. Nobody.

(14:54):
Everyone here is temporary.No one cares. It's a real job.
It's like, oh, how you doing? Yeah.And also it's mostly just by yourself.
You just come talk for two minutes,get your pizza and go. Yeah.
And also people are probably like,thank God you're out.
You know what I mean?
Because there's people who get just stuck,you know,
they get into that middle management andthey're just like the rest of their life.
But, I will tell you that
it was so embarrassing that I was like,this was what I was, I think 716.

(15:16):
Yeah.I didn't ever want that to happen again.
And I never had it happen again.
I never got fired again.
There you go. So that was 15 years ago.
I look at that sceneand I won't let that happen.
All right.
Psychological question for you. Yeah.
How many trash cans do you saw?
How many trash cansdo you think you've seen in your life?
Be specificand include dreams in that number.

(15:37):
I don't dream about trash cans, okay?
There's never been one in the background.
Nobody told me once in a dream,
there's a trashcan in the corner,and I go, you know what?
Now that you mention it,this is in the dream.
I was quitting weed. So, you know,you ever.
You smoke, right? Yeah. Hello? Yeah, yeah.
But like you, when you stop the eighth dayor right around there,
you get crazy vivid dreams.
Anyway, so we call this a trash can.

(15:58):
I thought I was looking for somethingto throw away, and I go, oh, you.
Actually, now that you mentionI've never seen a trash can in a dream.
Yeah, that weird lucid, sort of like.
Yeah. And the guy talk to me.
No legs floating, no legs.
Casperflexed those feet and then just going,
what?
And Iwas like, yeah, I've never I've never seen
or even seen one in any dream.

(16:20):
Yeah. And he goes, that's crazy.
And then and it hit me and we both lookedat each other like we're both.
I let on that I'm aware I'm in a dream.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And it was like, this can be bad.
The guy looked at me like,he pulls out a gun.
Why tell me enough that I have to do this.
But it's like, you know, the scene it up.
What's the move with the show?
That was a great book.

(16:42):
And then it was Lord of the flies.
The flies? Yeah.
And then he's running in two of the guysin the Evil crew.
They see this guy and he's like.And they were like.
And they kind of move on because like,we want to be in the tough guys game.
We actually don't want to kill anybody.Yeah, yeah. So the guy looked at me like
and then he's like, let it go I love that.
Yeah.
So what do you give me a I'mlooking for a hard number.

(17:03):
I go to sleep again. Yeah.
What what a give me likea rough estimate number.
Probably 80 8180. Yeah.
You've ever seen in your life,in outside as well as outside of dreams.
Yeah, yeah. 89 in dreams. Okay.
A lot of these people are fuckinggetting their numbers up.
None 80 in your life, including dumpsters,including your house.

(17:24):
You've seen 80 trash can.
That seems like a unbelievably low number.
81. Because I threw out that altar.
All right, 81 it is.
I'll write it down.
Something we have in common.
We both big Yankee fans, which I, we were both at the postseason together.
We were at the, Yeah,we did a World Series together.

(17:44):
I gotta show you this.What's going up? Don't say anything.
When I got to show you this, I feel likewe've really, like, bonded over that.
Do you feel thatway? Yeah. The Yankees rule.
Well,
what is this?
I have a buddy that's just feeder.

(18:05):
Whoa. Right, I know way.
I don't know if it's for me.
I think he's just going to a show.
Where are you? It's an off day.
Yeah, I don't know.
I'm in a few places. Whoa.
So it could be anyone. That's crazy.
Yeah.
That's awesome. Yeah.
That's fun. That's the kind of guy.
Now we can't even right here.

(18:25):
That's the kind of guy I be.
Well I'm insider jokes.
Yeah. Right here at the.
Imagine the guest now goingwhat are you guys talking about. Looks.
Yeah the comedy I mean the discomfortthey feel the comments furious.
I think they would make themcome out of their shell more. Wow.
You know what Eric Andre used to, like,crank the, the heat did he? Yes.
Yeah. So make them uncomfortable.

(18:45):
Before they knewit was the Eric Andre show,
they just thought it was a regular show.
It's to be.
It's to be hard for him to get peoplewhen it's over. Yeah.
You can't. They already know what the deal is.
Yeah, yeah.
So, like, once,Tom Hanks is, fucking retarded.
Son showed up yet?
Yeah.
The one that's got severe Down's syndromeand learning disabilities.
Oh, wait, I was thinking of the rap.
The rapper.
Yeah, yeah yeah yeah, the rapper.

(19:13):
It was good in Atlanta.
But, Yeah, once he was like,
where was I talking?
Oh, yeah.He realized what was going to go on.
Then he came with like, a motorcycle and,like, ruined everything.
Yeah, that's the worst.When they know about the better than this.
So it said it was over.
But, yeah, the convicts,
that's the kind of thingwe'd have been talking past the guy.
Yeah. Get him uncomfortable.We can cut that or leave it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, but it would get him.I like the discomfort.

(19:35):
I want to leave the discomfort. Yeah.
And I say get him. I'm talking about the guest.
Yeah yeah yeah.
Because also.
Hey, sidebar, cut this to, I'm notthinking chick should be on this show.
No women ever.
Yeah.
Okay.
Any reason for that?
You don't think they couldbring in a different demographic,
a different energy,you know? Yeah. Different energies.
What I'm talking about, it's a problem.

(19:57):
Plus, when they're ovulating,it's like it messes up everything.
Okay? I mean, I feel like maybe we could.
Maybe that's the ones that we ice out.
If we have one here,
then that's when we can just have ourmaybe finally have a woman there
and then just do a whole podcast,you and I, and then see how the internet
you can see turned from a interviewto a brainstorming session.
Yeah, you're right, you're right.
Let's do let's say it. Let's say is, yeah.

(20:18):
I am though, excited about the Yankeeschances this year I think yeah.
Judge Bailey Goldie.
Right went down and it's like,oh well that's it.
And now it's like ohfreed has been electric.
A fellow Jew by the way.
Which by the way,
when's the last time the Yankees have hadlike a starting pitching ace Jewish guy?
Just it's just an all star Jew.
Yeah. It's tough start.
Yeah.

(20:38):
Harrison Bader was on boththe Yankees in the Mets, but he was not.
I say the last great Jew was that.
Who's the guy that took pictureswith his baby? Right? Next was Dick,
local congressman Regis.
Oh, wait, I know Wiener sent.
He didn't take a picture of a baby.
His baby's right there with his, like,Dick was like, no way.

(20:58):
Dick was the outline of his dick was like,right here in his jeans, like this.
And then his baby was kind of right there.That's what he sent out.
Running again, by the way.
Probably win. Same with you, right?
Because honestly,it doesn't affect his job.
Yeah, that's a thing.
Yeah.Not working at a fucking women's shelter.
Then you can't do that.
Remember when Cuomo got, like,canceled for being Italian?
When he just was like, hey,I hug, I guess, what do you want me to do?

(21:20):
Like it was the best. That's a mess.
They have one of those in West Hollywood.
Mayor it's a it's a gay city.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So you have to be gay to win there.
And so the mayor was gottentrouble for, like,
pinching butts and stuff like that,and they're like, you can't do it.
It's like I'm gay, right?
And then I'm like, wow, I'm lesbian.
I don't like it. Like, well,you'll just take it.
Yeah, cause I'm gay.And this is West Hollywood.

(21:41):
You'll handle it? Yeah.
I will say,I feel like I got some Jews now.
One Jew. Yeah. It's great.
I feel like we should get, like,we should organize some, so.
And you'd be good at this.
I feel like it's, like, organizedsome sort of, like, comic.
Like we should all go to a gay.
It doesn't have to be a playoff game, butlike, no, no, I want it to on Thursday.
Well, this is going to air, but Thursday,May 22nd was, or whatever tomorrow.

(22:03):
Sorry.
It's not I know it's not going to air.
It's the kind of thing I would sayI've lost myself and that's just.
Yeah. Yeah.So we'll be doing the podcast here.
Yeah yeah yeah, yeah,we'll be doing it. Yeah.
Well I this the spotfor when the podcast will be spot.
This is the studio just showinghow uncomfortable I got real quick.
Yeah. You got very comfortable.You just let it.
You just let it feel likeI'm already here. Yeah, yeah.
All right.
Well, I'm like a lesbian on a date.

(22:24):
I bring a toothbrush.
Okay. That's fun.
You're just assuming you're staying over.
I like that. Okay.
But I was saying, like, maybelike September, like, you know, like the.
I would
as a day game.
Fuck the Red Sox. Why?I like a good Yankees.
Red Sox all or something like,
would you want to seewhat's a good rivalry in September?
Here's what I say.

(22:44):
It's not about the rivalry.
It's about the head.
Baseball is about the regular season.
Sure, unless it's late.
You're a hunt.
What you want is a good rays game.
Or Rangers game cheap, where you're justlike, let's go sit in the bleachers.
Let's get a block of likefive by like 25 seats, right.
For ten bucks each.
Let's go up there. Let's get blasted.

(23:07):
We're high enough up there.People want to smoke weed.
Just do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You need all pinners.
Get rid of them.
And then just, like, have a great time.
And if you're if you're screaming too much
about jokes that involve forced sex,if you know what I'm saying, go.
I get to monetize.If you do, then you move over.
If there's a childhood close to you.Yeah, yeah.
We're not going to stop those jokes.
Yeah, well, but there's so much open room.Let's move over.

(23:29):
That is the tough thing with comicswhere you go into public places
with comedians and you realize there's no,like, civil discourse.
There's no like, oh, there's a child here.
Maybe I shouldn't be screamingand cursing, you know what I mean?
Yeah.
But, Mike, can you pull up like, images
like, like something like schedulein September or something, like,
I really like, there's got to be some sortof a good, like, game or something.

(23:50):
Game. There's one weekday game a month.
That's when you want to do it.
Is that true? It's one weekday game. Yeah.
No, love. Yeah. Wow.And that can't be true.
It has to be more than that.
Chicago Cubs are different.But that's it. Yeah.
Remember when Chicago Cubs.They never used to.
I went to Wrigley before.
It had the the block
Titan Tron thing there and then it wasjust like you had to just watch the game.

(24:11):
Oh, really?
Yeah. There was no replays. So, like,if you missed it, you missed.
It was so pure.
This was in like 2000 long ago.
10 or 12 I get when I games.
Yeah.
No, no
I mean
I think they'veprobably still had night games
but it was likethey started like under 20 years ago.
What's up buddy.
What. Come in.
He doesn't have the capabilities.
Why? Okay.

(24:31):
It's none of this recording.
No, it's recording, but I there's not Iwe don't have a TV.
No, it's working.But I pulled up the schedule.
But I don't know if you want to see why.
What's happening?
A lot of anti-Jewish shows. Okay.
We don't have to record this. Okay.
To my stomach saying,what the fuck does that mean?

(24:53):
Are the Yankees disbanding?
Yeah, I can imagine.
They're just like, what an odd thingthat's pull it up, but not what
this is on the website.
MVP front runner Aaron Judge announces
season ending Texas Yankees schedule.
This.
That's on their website right now. Yeah.
When I went to just go to the Yankees.

(25:14):
Fuck you.
Are you fucking kidding me? Dude, that'll,
that'll
ruin my whole summer.
If that's the.
It's a devastating punch to the best.
After Saturday's gamewith the Mets, Aaron Judge felt tightness
in his throwing arm.
He played through itSunday, but post-game told Aaron Boone

(25:36):
he was in a lot of pain.
Dude, I'm like, I'm like this.
I feel fucking sick.
What's the Christopher ammad?
Oh yeah.
He's the guy who does everybody's surgery,
like tentatively scheduled for Wednesday.
Oh, no.
Oh, we're fucked then, dude.
Yeah. We're fucked.
This is just wrote me rightas easy. Just texted you.

(25:57):
Yeah.
What a oh my God, dude. Motherfucker.
Judge out for the season.
Oh, yeah.
I just opened Instagram.
Top of my fucking thing.
That.
Well, now we're they're going to knowwhen this episode was recorded.
Oh myGod, dude, I feel like legitimately.

(26:18):
Yeah, yeah, yeah,I feel like, legitimately sick right now.
God. I mean, knewI wasn't going to keep up that pace,
but like a 415 average.
I thought he was going to get hurtwhen he drove for the fucking Mets.
I'm like having trouble.
I'm like, I'm like, no, sorry.
No, dude.

(26:40):
Oh my God.
Let's take a second hereand just sort of fucking.
Well, I guess he's not.
Yeah, I'm getting texts toonow from people.
This fucking,
What?

(27:01):
How are we going to goback into the episode as mine?
I should have brought this upat the end of the fuck I even text.
I was texting Stella and I was like,
dad, how long do you thinkit's going to keep this up?
Chris? Easy, dude.
Oh. I know you have a heart out.
I don't want to fuck it.
Should we just, Should we just leave now? We a

(27:22):
all right.
God damn.
I mean, call was one thing.
Know without himwhere I knew he was coming back.
Yeah, we have nothing without him.
He's protectingeverybody in the lineup, too.
Yeah.
And we just lost one of his best season.
He was having a seasonthat was so fucking crazy.

(27:42):
It was better than last year.
Last year started
April with, like, a 100 batting averageand then started off so low, then went up.
And now he's like, well, he'sa slow star. He's always a slow starter.
And now he still was an MVP.
And now this series.
Dude, I'm like sweating.
God damn it.
Oh I'm fucking mad.
I don't know how I want to do the rest.

(28:03):
This fucking thing.
I'm going tomorrow.
All right, should I?
I mean, let's get right into it.
Mike,I wish you had just pulled up the schedule
and showed me this afterwards. Yeah. Oh.
Damn it.
You can feel the stages of grief.

(28:25):
You can feel it.
They cycle. It's not like once they.
When it comes back and goesforward, comes back, goes forward.
Dude, I'm like, like, wait,what if there's a way around this?
Like, I want to fix it?
Maybe, maybe there's not.
There's like the reasoning.There's the anger.
Maybe there was a typo. Sadness.
Maybe they meant DJ LeMahieu.

(28:46):
All right, hey, Siri, what are the stages of grief?
Okay.
I mean, shouldwe just should we just address this,
you know, address it, go into the. Yeah.
So we just keep part of the interview.
We could just keep this. Yeah. Obviously.
Listen, I'm going to commiserate with youon things like this.
Yeah yeah yeah.What are the stages of grief?
The five stages of griefand the Kubler-Ross model.

(29:08):
What a fucking dork. That guy is.
What are the fives?
Denial.
I said fuck you. Initially. Yeah.
I was like,is it April 1st? It's not April 1st.
Anger is.
Is there any way we can fix.
It's such a funny way to say that, bargaining.

(29:29):
That's three.That's what I was bargaining.
So what's four and five?
Depression.
Yeah. That's coming on strong right now.
Like I'm not accepting.
Acceptance is a fucking year away.
No way. We're in first place.
Best record in the American Leaguewith a fuck up of Devin Williams.
Not even fucking playing. Yeah.
Who thought he was good this weekend?

(29:49):
But yeah, without you we have. No.
But I'm saying
first place with all that he he's beennot even like a three year no.
Seven and a half and still werein first place, which is like oh wow.
We really got it yet.
He'll come back to Earth.
Judge will come back to Earth.
Goldschmidt Schmidle or whatever.Fuck free.
Come back to Earth. Goldschmidt come back.
But it's like we've sustained.

(30:11):
Those guys are bad. Will come up.
Jazz is,
I literally was just saying yesterdayabout how fucking pissed.
All right.
Anyway, well, you know, this is a goodthis is a good, first test.
Plus, you know, because we are, you know,
commiserating together and, finding out that the.

(30:32):
Well, if nothing else has been the testof how big of Yankee fans we both are
because, I am, Oh,my God, almost nauseous right now, but,
do I look like green?
I feel like, you know,when you get your hands, get like,
cigars clammy, you know, too much cigarsmoke in my fucking mood right now, dude.
Okay.

(30:55):
Okay, let's try to get backinto the interview, because I couldn't.
What? He was going.No, I'm like, what do you mean, no?
I was like, theTV's not hooked up as a heads up, Mikey.
Mike, a producer, came inand broke the news about.
Well, we'll just keep thisall in. We'll keep. You'll see it.
You'll just.
You'll see our reactionsin real time. And.
And now we'll have we'll go back.

(31:16):
We'll try to go back to.
I'm going, gonna try and steer the shipback to a to a fun place.
Let's start a podcast.
Yeah. This is true.
So it doesn't matter to try to steerthe engineer.
You're going to show these interviewsthat we're saying,
I'm going to I'm going to review them.But it would be fun.
I think it'd be fun.This is like an SNL audition.
What do you pay John for thethey air people's audition years later
and they're like,I don't afterwards. I didn't get it.

(31:37):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Nikki though, had one of the greatest interviews,
I don't know, I mean, auditions on SNL.
If you've ever, you should go Google.He said it was great.
He's like,it was one of those things where you go,
I get why you got it, you know,because it was so great.
But he goes, the problemis that's all I had,
you know,and that's why he was there for a year.
But, all right, well, fuck me, but
something else we have in common,is that we both love to travel.

(32:00):
Very few comedians like to do anythingbut spots, and we get paid to travel,
like, around the world.
And I feel like so many comics just sitin their hotel room and don't explore.
I love exploring, yeah.
What do you do when you get to a place?
I always look up like I want to eatthe most, like local, like the,
you know, if I go to
even if it's stupid, like, I want to know,I want to eat what they're known for.

(32:21):
If I go to Minneapolis, I want to go toI want to get a Juicy Lucy burger
if I'm going to. Yeah, Kansas Citygot to get a certain type of barbecue.
You know, it's like,
I like the idea of eating like,you know, trying to have a very authentic,
you know, that's a good way to gain loser with that.
You know, with barbecue,with Kent, say barbecue.
And that's like a specific thingwhere you can like
it makes you more worldly to just knowthe difference between Carolina barbecue.

(32:43):
Yeah. Barbecue.Yeah. Boston barbecue. Yeah.
And then like,I don't know what else there is, but like
but like you should like,you know, you know the difference $100.
Like I can get that somewhere else,but you don't really know what.
Casey.
Barbecue, by the way, I'll just quote therock on this, Kansas City,
you women are all ugly in your barbecue.
Tastes like cardboard and ketchup.

(33:06):
When when the rock was heel,he was the best, you know?
I mean, I guess he's always.
I guess he's never become a face, but Ijust he just was one of the best evolved.
I mean, he's so much more famous
than Hulk Hogan ever became,which is crazy to think about, you know?
Disagree?
What do you mean,you don't think he's more famous?
He's been in so many more recent A-list.
He's had movies, TV shows.
He's been in blockbuster stars.

(33:27):
He's he's running.
He's gonna run for president. Hulkster.
Listen, you can argue aboutthey can't run for president.
Is born in Samoa, was he?
I don't know yeah, I think is I thinkhis father was I don't think he was.
Look at that. See,I just make stuff up. And so I bought it.
You're the only man who could take it.
Yeah. We like to travel, so.
Yeah. Yeah, I guess so.
You're the only man who could take a yearoff to find himself and come back worse.

(33:50):
But going off the grid for monthsat a time would obviously impact the show.
So would you be open to that? The seasons?
Well, as you brought out the same idea,I am going to do the show in season.
So maybe in the off season.
Yeah, say I do it responsibly.
Okay.
I don't leaveright before I got a big thing
where people are counting on me.
I wrap up my dates,listen, I'm a lot like Richard.
Jenny, cancel my dates first,then get in the bath, okay?

(34:13):
You know, I mean, I don't want to leavehis clubs that have been so nice to me.
I like, is he showingup? I'm like, no, he's bleeding out,
you know,like, just be responsible with it.
So when I finish, like,a season of my storytelling show.
Yeah, something like that.That's what it's like.
Hey, finished. Do the editing. Yeah.
Okay, great.
Because I was going to askif you'd be still, though,
just in case you go to a place.

(34:34):
I know you go if you don't have service,a lot of times would you be open
or willing to wearing like a small yetnoticeable tracking device?
No, I would not. I'm sorry.
Okay. Crazy. I will make a bridge too far.
I was mail you letters to tell youthat I'm still safe and coming.
I would love that. I would lovea handwritten letter from you.
That's great.
I did that when I went to Southeast Asia.
I was in, Kupang, Indonesia. And,

(34:57):
I wrote a
letter till I was like,they were talking about getting my sorry.
Geez.
Said show up on said show up an hour ago.
Yeah, I was they were talking about doingthe Wild West comedy.
Oh. Yeah.
For for for for yeah.
For that storytelling show.

(35:17):
And I was like, they were going to do ita Third Man Records.
And I was like, oh.
And I was like, I wrote, to Eric Abrams,like, hey, that's still going on, right?
Put it on the websiteand I'll get home for it.
Yeah.
Like you're not able to contact me back.
I don't have a phone with me. Right.
Or any way to get into my emailor anything, but like, just put it on.
I'll check their websiteif it's listed, I'll show.

(35:40):
And was it you got listed?
I showed wow. Yeah.
Didn't you have like, a long Lisa?
How did you break or like, at least.
But weren't you renting a placeor were you based in New York?
It was.
Which one?
Was it? Relatively cheap.
No, I meant over there when you were,
because you had to leave earlyto come back, didn't you?
Didn't you have to.Or you just going, like night.
I was hostile in. Oh, gotcha,gotcha, gotcha.

(36:02):
If you leave a hostel,you don't get a refund.
But it's only $12.
Yeah, that's kind of got so many. Like.
So I was starting to have an argumentlike, hey, I'm going, here's the keys.
Like, listen, you can't get a refund.
You already paid for that.
I'm like, buddy,I'm just giving you the key.
Yeah, I get it.
I think that that's obviouslyhappened to them enough times.
I've read you once lived out of a backpackfor a year.
Was that by choice, or is that what'sknown in Hollywood as a career adjustment?

(36:27):
It wasn'ta yeah, it's for for for 4 or 5 months.
Five months. Yeah.
Yeah, it was Southeast Asia.
It was great. Well, yeah,it was a career adjust.
That's not the first one.I was like, I'm out.
How do you wash your clothes sink
saying, laundry services.
So a lot of times in like inlike let's say endo or something like that

(36:48):
or East Timor, they'll be like,I give them a dollar, right?
They'll just do all your shit for you.
And if you give them a dollar,that's like pretty good money.
So they'll really working hard. See,that's what smart money you go do.
You go to places where the dollarstretches, you know, you're not gonna
travel into, like, Londonand that, you know, in Bangkok, right?
I didn't knownone of the dirt baggers go through Europe

(37:09):
because all the horses are,like 40 or 50 bucks.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I met some in San Francisco once.
I was walking by some hosteland they're like, oh, all right.
So we recognize we knowthey're going to come in for a drink.
They had their, you know, hostels rule.
It was really nice.
But and I was like,sure I'll, I'll drink with you guys.
I wasn't going anywhere.
And but yeah, it was like $45 a night.

(37:29):
I'm like,you can't survive this way. Yeah, yeah.
Under 15. That's whatyou gotta be. Yeah, that's something
for seven.
Yeah.
I don't like the idea of, like,sleeping in the same room as other people.
You get over it, all right? You have to.
I will.
In all the countries you've been to,what's the worst toilet
you've ever experienced?
And did it change you as a person?
Yeah,it was China when I got there. A lot of.

(37:51):
Yeah, yeah, it was the first timeI discovered a shit squat toilet.
And it did change me.
I'm less trusting of humanity.
Shit. Explain what you as shit.
Like a hole in the ground or, like,what's a shit squat?
Yeah, it's a hole in the ground
with with, Let me show you, Mike.
You got my, can you get the couch at all or.

(38:13):
No, I would have to manually do a widehere, but I don't I don't know if he can
I got. Yeah.
No, don't just go.
Okay. All right.
Okay. There we go. I got this, okay?
I love what we're doing here.
We got everyone's coming in.
We're adjusting that thatthat this in there.
Okay. Perfect.
Okay, okay. So shit squat.I got to lean over to talk about this.

(38:34):
Okay. Yeah.
There's a there's a hole right here.
Okay. There's a hole right here.
And there's two foot pedals herewith like, ridges.
So you don't slip.Kind of like a shower with all people.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.You know, but it's not a mat. It's that.
And so then you got to just get and it's,it's shaped like a kind of
like a Euro thing but flat like if you'relooking at a euro from straight above.
Okay.
So the hole is like wide and then moreoval and you just you got to get over it.

(38:59):
And you I mean this is tough on a couch,
but you gotta like just,just put your ass in the hole.
You gotta pull your pants.
I may as well do that here.
So dad, you have to.
You're selling the image of this. Of this?
I mean, don't actually.
So then you got.
Oh, you know what? Actually,you might not be able to use that.

(39:20):
Yeah, that's a nice blur.
So then you got to go like this.But here's the problem.
Here's the problem.Yeah it's shit. And it.
So you gotta like yes.
Hold this up and also not lean back.
So you got to like,try to hold on to something.
You can't get in the hole now.It's like touching.
Yeah. Got it. And do you wipe.

(39:40):
That's another issue okay.
This is so you kind of have to likehold on to go back
okay I did thank you.
Don't pull down. Yeah.
Yeah. I'm so sorry. That was in it.
And then you kind of go like this wholeyou don't you don't
you don't want your dick to touch. No.
Absolutely not.

(40:00):
So you kind ofhave to. And I have long ball.
So you just this and that.
I mean I almost shit right there. Okay.
You trying to hold on to something?
Yeah.
Hold it.
I got I think you've painted a clear.Thank you.
Thank you for that very clear picture.
One that I'll never be able to see.
I may never go to Chinajust from that demonstration alone.
I think that wasthe worst thing I've ever seen.

(40:23):
But they don't warn you. They just.
I mean, they should at the airport.
You should be like anyone from Westernculture
is not going to know what that says.
How prevalent is that?
Like in like, airport bathrooms or like,is that just like, everywhere
or that shit at the airport?So I don't know. Thanks, Mike.
Thank you Mike. My pleasure.
Was that just something that you like?

(40:45):
Is that was that everywhereor is that just like a couple
some of the high end hotels and nothigh high end I mean yeah, yeah, yeah.
Decent hostels for sure.
Probably got didn't set houses and okay.
There was I was on a tourso they put me into hotels.
Good lord.
But those would have the regular toiletsand then you get out into any
and they just don't.
Great wall China, the Imperial palaceI'm here about the Star

(41:06):
Wars, the Emperor's palace,
Death Star.
I mean, everything you tried to do,they just.
You just go in there and you like,and you look stall at the star at us all.
It looks like.
Like.
Oh, because you head all the toiletbecause you grew up, right?
Like, oh, this one's under repair.
I go, I'm like,oh, this one, it's like, it's not.
That was broken.
There's just nothey ship it off to get fixed.

(41:27):
It's like is that communism
isn't it?
And then you realize it's just that's it.
There's also a trash can withyou can't flush anything there.
So it's just many, many flush.
And they don't have irrigationthere. It's not it doesn't work that way.
You just pour little water to the thing.
It's not it's not.Everything was just now like shit.
Yeah.
And it's not just one person's shit
I trashand I'm with dozens of different people.

(41:50):
Shit. It's coming together.
I can't, I can't and I won't.
And, so I got the, the benefit of the guy club
who ended up actually stealing the clubfrom the guys who ran it.
Okay, that's pretty wild.
It goes cool.
I'm doing it myselfnow. Anyway, it's all gone.
The country just took it back.
They go.Thanks for your help with capitalism.
We gotcha. You're all banned. Whoa!

(42:11):
We know how to make this workfor ourselves now.
Interesting. Lord. Everything.
Anyway, when I got there, he goes,you just got to China and go. Yeah.
And he gave me a little packet of tissuepaper,
a little travel back,and he goes, you'll need this.
Wow. You have to carry.
No wonder why they're always outsidesquatting and smoke.
And they canand they can hold that position.
They know how to squat.
You think they'd be
a lot more Asian catchersbecause they're good in the squat?

(42:31):
Yeah. They don't really catch much.
Interesting.
Because probably like in my culturethis is not noted
that we have everyone squats, right.
Why would I be a catcher?
Yeah. It's strange.
Yeah.
They're not catching anymore, you know.
Yeah. It's like if you go to,like, Congo or something
and they go, why are you so tall?You must play basketball.
Like, oh, in my culture,I'm actually not that tall.

(42:52):
Yeah, yeah, I'm just moderately tallfor a regular for basketball player.
I'm very short.
You love to travel so much,you have a podcast called You Be Trippin.
Which is a not so subtle nodto your other passion, rampant drug use.
How's that going, Mike?
If you have me on here, I'm going to haveremnants in my pocket all the time, okay?
Just stuff that I'm like, oh, shit.

(43:13):
I had leftover Molly from last night.
I'm still wearing this. You know,you wear the same jeans more.
Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Put them back.
The only pair I think I own at this pointI go like a week and a half straight.
All same gene.
Of course. Yeah.
Change underwear.
Yeah. Shirt that we're doing.
Yeah, yeah. Yes.
I have stuff in my pocketall the time. Yeah.
Molly. Mushrooms.
Acid sometimes.

(43:36):
I just remembered I had some fucking acidin between two credit cards.
I've taken out this stuff so many times,and I bet it fucking fell out.
Are you kidding?
If you have. Oh.
What a bummer that way,because it's just a little piece of paper.
It's a very little piece of paper.
And, damn it.

(43:56):
Damn.
I could have been eight hours of fun.
That would really change this interview.
It's just it's
just been getting kicked in the ballsall day today, Damn it.
But at least we can shitin an actual toilet, so that's fun.
Fuck. Use that blows.
You spend yearstraveling, disconnecting, avoiding comfort

(44:17):
is that about curiosity, or are youpathologically afraid of success?
I think success is discomfort.
In overcoming discomfort.
Okay. It's is not having a fuckingsomebody feeding grapes to you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's true.
You know, it's like learninghow to fucking buy grapes.
So you areyou are a big hallucinogens guy.
That's so Tony's always telling methat you got to come to Austin.

(44:39):
You gotta have itso great. Everything's great.
All the shows are great. I'm like, yeah,I want, like, I want crowds hating me.
I want like, yeah, distance.
And he goes, oh, if you want things hardthen no, Austin's not the right.
You won't get that here.
You would thrive there.
I mean thrive on stageI know I don't know creatively. Right.
But it's like the what do you lookyou would be killing every set.
Yeah. Yeah.I make a lot of money. Yeah, yeah.

(44:59):
Probably sell even more tickets.
Yeah.
My podcast guests would get like,oh, they're much higher.
Like I'd just be like,hey Rogan, who do you got on?
Yeah, yeah. Send them over. Yeah, yeah.
You created
Shroom Fest, which by all angles appearsto be nothing more than a grift
to sell merch because you pickedjust a random time of the year.
There's no physical location.

(45:20):
You don't host it, you just say, hey,everyone, today's shroom fest.
Don't forget to buy a shirt.
And I think I like the ingenuity of that
shirt I didn't.
Shrimp has just started.
I'm just the one who told people about it.
But you did make them.You do have merch.
I don't make any money off those.
What do you mean?
I, the designer, makes all the money.
So you have it on your website list.

(45:41):
Can I make it? People like.I've had it for a few years.
From firstit was just an excuse to meet up.
And wherever you are,meet up in to mushrooms together.
So you have. No, you don't make any money,that's for sure.
Like I don't make money off this.
Some designers like, I'm like, I'm like.
And then I just gave him the money.
All the money continuously as it.
Even now, to this day, it's abut it's all on your website, dude.
All right. That's actually.You know what? That's pretty admirable.

(46:04):
And then he, Lee and Gwen gives,like 10 or 20% of that money to maps.
To what?
Multidisciplinary Associationof Psychedelic Studies.
Okay.
He just like, I'm making all this moneyoff, like just designing a shirt.
I should just give some to.
Wow. Like, I won'tI won't make a dollar of that.
There's certain thingsyou just shouldn't make money off here.
I thought I was catching you,and that's one of them. Wow.

(46:27):
Yeah.
What's what's the loudest vegetable?
If you want a free fucking podcast shirtthat you can go.
Carrots.
They scream
carrots when they're being uprooted.
They feel pain.
Carrots feel pain? No way. They scrape.
I think I say celerybecause it's constant.
It takes a long to break down,but carrots might actually be carrots.
Have the louder first crunchwhen the snap snap.

(46:50):
Yeah yeah okay.
But they scream. They feel pain.
I don't think they scream.
Your last special.
Hey Siri.
You're doing great.
You're doing great.
That's fun. Little bit.
You can break your last one righthere. Victor's here.
I'm over there messing with them.

(47:11):
Messed with the pumpkin heads here.
It's like. What? Oh,
your last special was called Jew.
Which is funny because I alwaysthought you were Episcopalian.
Your newest special is called America'sSweetheart.
And talk about arebrand. I love that for you.
But I love I love your attention to detail
in terms of, like, the set design,because most comics never think about.

(47:32):
I'm being sincere here for for you.
You had genuine roughly20,000 burning candles behind you.
It's so hot. I was at the taping.God was at hot, hot.
It was so hot.
And America's sweetheart,
you looked like you were performingin, like a lush forest.
How did you come up with those?
Or is it as simple as this
will give my incredibly high audiencesomething to stare at?
I mean, that's part of it.
It's like a lot of things, it's,

(47:56):
it's, the last couple of, all my special are like
some somewhat thematic or hold together.
And so then it's like it kind of goeswith the theme in an understated way.
So Eric Abrams came up with the ideafor candles because it should be something
religious, which is like brainstormingthese, like, candles are like, really?
Because that'swhat you want to be all about you.
I want everyone to relate to it. Right?
Even if you're not Jewish.
I want it to be likeI'm doing some jokes about other others.

(48:18):
Sure. Yeah, yeah, you're shit too.
It's crazy you didn't use fake candles.
We thought we were going to have to.
And then, because of, like, whatever,but blow out or but, Yeah.
Jordan leave.
It was like, if you use those fake candlesof flickering
fake candles on camera,they're going to look way bad.
They could do this thing where, like
when you get a lot of lines andit looks like it's more rain or whatever.

(48:39):
Yeah, yeah.Because they're going to look like that.
You would have to get differentlenses. Wow.
That person saved you a whole. No,but it's not that.
It's like you're just not allowed, okay?
You're just not allowedto use real candles at the Skirball.
But I was going to do it.
First they were like, no, no way.
And then this place they gomake it real. Kind of.
You just got to get a fire marshal herebecause you got to turn off the,
smoke alarm.So you'd have to hire a fire marshal.

(49:00):
I had to, like, 500 bucks. I'm like,oh, that's.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, the set designerjust looked at each other like,
okay, I think we'd like to do that.
Just, like, quietly. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. So, yeah.
So, like, with the religious idea,you know, it's all heart into it.
It makes it look so different.
It made it pop.
I remember being there.I was sitting up top it.
I was like, we're like the clouds.

(49:21):
We were dripping sweat.
And then I think at one pointyou literally were like,
if you guys think that you're hotlike I am, I am five feet from this.
Like your back was on fireand I was so, so there too.
But like, yeah, they were just that.
Yeah. Oh, we had to get back.
So that was not too, Yeah.
Then the all the, the,the plants and stuff were just about like,

(49:43):
everyone's so caught up in the news
and I was just like, what if we just leftall this shit and just, like,
like, well, how long till natureor just over just.
Yeah.
So we like, kind of like,this is the building.
If we left 50 years,this would all be like this.
That's awesome.
And so, like,just get away from everything,
get back to nature, go hiking,go smell some trees and flowers.

(50:03):
So it's not like anybody's.
I saw one review that said, like,
there's plants there for no reasonI can discern.
And it's like, oh, look harder.
He didn't miss that. Yeah,that's a pretty clear theme.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, All right.
When you look at.
Yes, like
when you look in the mirror,what do you see?
A man, a myth,
or just someone who's made a careerout of being everyone's weirdest friend?

(50:25):
I see a decent hairwhen I look at like this, it's like, okay.
And then I see in picturesand, like, doesn't look the same.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's not bad on the sides.The bad sides are great.
It's got a little are great.
I also feel like you're at the pointwhere you have enough money
where you could like do one of those,like, like Mateo did, like the.
Oh, yeah. Well, I want to go to Turkey.
I want to gothe full, yeah, that would be.
And if you came back

(50:45):
and your hairline was here,that when I go full, I'd be like, yeah,
obviously I did it. Everybody. Yeah, well,that's what I like about Matteo.
And a lot of people who do that, they'rejust they're being like, yeah I do it.
Yeah. Like yeah, great.I know a couple comics.
There's a couple of comics, onethat you would never think of
where like, yeah,
I have Botox like menin like their mid 30s or like,
actually I think he's in his 40s,but he was just like,
I'll tell you after the factjust because I don't.

(51:05):
But it's like some peoplego on like I use a moisturizer.
Oh yeah. Oh a moisturizerwe all got to start using.
We got to start using.Yeah. But like, but like,
I mean, I don't want to say any.
I mean, so what kind of is that?
Moisturizer.
Yeah. Face.
Yeah. Oh,I got to do that. Here's what I do.
I just take any whatevermy wife's, like, facial like, products.

(51:29):
Yeah.
Anything with, like, a, like,
they're like I use and retinolusing anything with an all at the end
like the retinol cortisol retinolanything that it says I'm just
putting it all over my goddamn face. Dude.
That's what I'm hoping for.
You should have gay sex.
Here's what I'm thinking for you guys.
Some sort of anal with with penis.
So, like, one of you.
But you're gonna have to spreadthose cheeks.

(51:49):
Listen, man.And then the other one takes penis.
It's like a side here, if you can see itand then inserts it into it.
Yeah. Penetrating the rectum.
Yeah, as it were.
Anyway, it's a good way foryou guys to connect.
Yeah. Okay. Well, listen,I mean, you're fucking.
You have a hole.You look like you're a fucking.
You're like a cult worshiper that, like,you know, you guys worship expired hummus.

(52:12):
You know, like,your moisturizer wouldn't hurt.
Yeah, I think, yeah,I mean, I probably should.
Yeah. It's never too that.
That's the funny thing is, like, I nevereven, like, use lotion on my hands.
And my hands will be,like, cracked and bleeding in the winter.
And people are like, what are you doing?
Lotion?
I'm like,I was say that though. Chapstick.
I'm not that guy like you.
Also that when you made this,what do you want?
Just full of fucking energy and life.

(52:33):
Your cells were ready.
Yes, exactly.We need a little help. What?
What emotiondo you think spiders feel the most?
Oh, I don't know.
I think it's like a sadness.
Sadnessthat couldn't protect their Uncle Ben.
Oh, chance.
Yeah, they all have their Uncle Ben's,and they couldn't protect them.
You know,I actually could think it could be sadness
because they spend so much timebuilding like that web perfectly.

(52:55):
And then someone, just some hiker,just go, yeah, yeah.
And they're like, that's my children.
No. My wife.
Let's rebuild on this cliff again.
Don't build it. Guys. Idiots.
If you're spiders out there,put it on a path.
Look down before you build it. A messageto the spiders.
Instead of this way. Reverse it. Do there.
What's.
What's the dumbest thingyou've ever believed with 100% certainty?

(53:21):
That's two.
Can I tell two, please?
One is I'll tell the less bad one first.
Okay?
Somebody told mewhen I was starting with CDs.
Oh. You know. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They go, don't leave it on pause.
It'll mess it upif you leave it on pause. Skip.
Yeah. Okay.
And then I was telling somebody,I was like, hey, take it off.
Pause. It's my city. Once you mess itup, once it's scratch, it's like a vinyl.

(53:42):
It's it's. Yeah, yeah, yeah.You can't really repair it.
If it gets to scratch.
And my friend was like,why would it wait a minute.
It was like, it'll mess most of the city.
Like how?
Like, I don't know.
No, it's just the city's spinning
and then the AI just moves in andand then if it pauses, the.
I just stopped moving.

(54:04):
It's still just spinning from this.
It doesn't.What do you mean? It didn't touch this?
And I was like, no,
that's not because, well, again,I'm telling you how it works.
It's spinning.
It's an hour long city.
It's gonna spin for an hourand this just moves in.
If you pause it, just go.
You can skip back. Goes there.
None of this affects.
And I'm like, okay,isn't that the worst thing when someone

(54:25):
when you feel so stupid,but you're like, no,
but that can't be because you're wrong.
You know, like,but then you have no facts to.
That's a face you're.
So I think most of the fightingin this lot politically is because
you don't like to be on a shakyplatform of knowledge about the world.
Okay.
You want it to be sure. Yes.
The earth is round. Yep.
And if someone is like,why do you think that?

(54:47):
I mean, I don't know.I don't know how to talk about it.
I honestly don't know.And I can't prove it to you.
I just know it.
Just shut up.
Yeah. Because the info I gotwas that the earth is round.
If my guys on the insidetell me this is legit, you know,
and when you get something like something,
a really understanding of something like,
a they're going through now, like,
like MatthewShepard wasn't killed by in a hate crime.

(55:08):
Are they saying that now? Yeah.That's crazy.
Okay, so what you're facing is what I facewhen I heard it.
It's this reality that you have.
This platform is safe.
And then when shaky, you're like, no.
So the guy who killed him was gay.
And it was his fellow drug dealer.
It was a drug deal gone wrong.
Okay.
What? Yeah.

(55:29):
So he was in the most liberal cityin Wyoming.
The college town? Yeah.
It was a drug deal gone wrong.
He was killed by a gay man.
So for the hate crime idea,it just doesn't hold up.
And when they try to uncover that.
I mean, I was in collegewhere, like, we're all going to march.
Yeah, it was catalyst of gay rights.
And so then you're faced with that.

(55:49):
That's bullshit.
Where you're saying, or do you have to go,that's better.
It's better that there was no hatecrime up that that heinous.
Yeah, I guess yeah.But you need it to be true.
And you're like,who would say it's not true, right?
It's like the guys who were like,no, George
Floyd is just a fucking fentanyl addict.
This is like a mandela effect thing.
It's that's what this feels like.
So, so when something like that happensor like or like,

(56:11):
you know, this war was actually startedby this group
and I was like, no, no, no,I was told it was, you know, I was
that's their that they hateour freedom was a thing.
And then you realize way later like,
oh, we've been dropping bombs onlike 51 years.
Yeah.
And it was a moment of like, no,no, they suck all the Jews
or Israelis go through this thing now,like, oh, maybe my side's not 100% right?
Right. You know what?

(56:32):
Whatever level of right or wrong to 100,it's not 100% right.
So then it's like, oh, and I'm sure
that fucking Palestinians dealwith the same thing.
Like, oh, we're not so likeso like there's that shaky thing.
Why are we talking about this?
I know, yeah, yeah.
And when you say somethingthat's like, right,
and someone tells you wrong,it's still like, no. Yeah, yeah.
So I'm like, okay, I didn't know that.
It's like,you know, yeah, I know I'm right.

(56:54):
Resistance is the first,because someone's taking their platform
to shaking like, stop.I don't I don't like that.
Yeah, that's very smart. The fuck.
Here's the other one. Okay.
So I don't knowif you know much about Mormonism.
Just the justI've seen the Book of Mormon.
They believe in some stuff.
That's pretty wild. Yeah,I seen the South Park episode, too.
Yeah.

(57:14):
Dum dum dum dum dum.
Yeah. The no blacks and some like. Yeah.
Looking into whatever, thethey thought that you could build
a, a ladder to the moon.
There's a group of humansthere called the Lunar Aryans.
It's one of the small books,who still live there.
Jesus went to a different fewdifferent places, and planted these
gold coins or whatever.

(57:37):
The Americas was one,the moon was another.
And then this group of people that livethere till today, the lunar ends,
all remnants of Jews.
And if we could build this ladderto the moon, we'll see them again.
Now, that was madebefore we realized how far the moon was.
And that you can't build a ladder.
No, no, there's no air. There's no air.

(57:58):
They made this up in a day.
Yeah.
For they realize, like,we didn't have the research. Yeah.
To know that's ridiculous.
So another thing is.
Jesus, how did you get to America?
It was carried there by a giant.
That.
Oh, yeah.
Giant bat carried in.
They planted the golden coin.Whatever tablets.
And then they left.
And I told somebody that they're like,no, what do you mean?

(58:20):
I was raised Mormon, and that's not true.
The land area thing is like a small sect,but like, yeah, yeah. No.
And I'm like, yeah, where'd you hear that?I'm like, Duncan Trussell told me.
And it was probably 15 years of my brain.
Just full, hard belief.
It was a bat giant bat.
I still sort of go, no,every Mormons wrong. I've got to be right.

(58:40):
It was like, no, my prankster friendwas fucking with me. Exactly.
Yeah, yeah, that'sthe worst is when they prank you
and then they try to fucking do it.Like what?
Speak of what you are.
You are, like, known as a prankster.You're good at pranks.
What do you. And we'll wrap up here soon.I know you're panicking.
Well, you're I know you're a big fan of.
What's the secret to a good prank?
No physicalor monetary damage to the victim.

(59:00):
Okay, well,except when you dose friends, I guess.
But that's. That was.That was a physical damage.
What do you mean?
All right, forgetthat, but still continue on your thought.
No. What do you mean? Yeah, he'sphysical damage.
I mean, a damage. But it was.
It was a physical toll on them, right?
Oh, what do you mean, Bert?
No physical toll danceand hugged each other for five hours.
All right, that's done.

(59:20):
Molly. Ever I stand. Yes, yes, yes.
What are you talking about?So you know better.
I stand corrected physical.
What do you make that from?The riot had a heart attack.
Yes, yes, sure. That's a damage.
Okay, I tested that stuff.
Okay, nice. Okay. All right.You know what? Powder.
Take back what I said. Yeah.
So what makes, what makes itno physical monetary damage?
You can't.
And I'll add to that.

(59:41):
Like, you can't do something where
their girlfriend's going to find outthey cheated, right?
That's not physical.
That's, like,really fucking with their life.
It's an extension of that, like,really fucking with the life
to the point of like, hey,I'm actually altered now, right?
My whole path is now different.Different person. Yeah, yeah.
This is not I had a really bad hangoveror I missed my train.
I had to get it later. Right?
Yeah. I left somebody once.

(01:00:03):
Somebody ratted on mefor doing some of the Comedy Store.
Yeah.It was. Dunkin actually was a town corner.
He said the owner, Mitzi, was, like,really mad. Just made it up.
He was the conduit.
So he said, she's really mad.And then he just ratted on me about.
We spread poop all overBobby Lee's car one day.
Yeah. And this guy was,like, already made me do it.
It was already poop.It was already dead. Oh, my God, poop.
But I didn't do it.

(01:00:23):
He did it.I just gave him the bag of poop.
Yeah. So,I mean, giving someone a bag of poop.
But you're an accomplice. It'snot this yelling fire.
Yeah, yeah.
And, giving a child a loaded gun.
Yeah. I'd be like,hey, well, you do it to jump. Drop out.
So I'm running.
So he ratted on me.
So I was like, well,I got to get him back.
So we went down to San Diego.
La Hoya put us up the Comedy Store, and soand so I made sure Merrick Ingram and

(01:00:46):
and painter and I made surepain was on the last of the three LA guys.
Wow. And then Ingram I got on first.
It's like a ten person show.Yeah yeah yeah. That Ingram gets off.
He's like oh he's crushing.He's like I was like hey we're going.
It's like what?
I'm like we're going painter's alreadyon his on for eight more minutes.
Yeah. What are you talking about.Like I'm leaving.
You can stay here if you want. I'm leavingI drove yeah, yeah.
And he goes, can we tell me what it is?The car in the car.

(01:01:08):
We got to go and then I gave the door guya note saying, to painter.
And it was the note that he wroteratting on me.
And I just wrote right on the outside,
like,hey, give this to Jim when he gets off.
And he got, and opened itand it was like.
And it was a year later, too.And he was like.
And then he's like, where's our.
It's like, he's gone. Dude.
First let me tell you why I love that.
Because, number one,you didn't even get to see his reaction.

(01:01:30):
But it's better because in your mindyour like could be anything.
Exactly.
It's the case in fucking Pulp Fiction.
And waiting a year is amazing.
Here's a great part of methought I forgot. It's this.
Like I forget. It's it's you have to.
I think a trick to a good prank is like,you have to know the person.
You have to know their interestsenough to know what to like.
You know what I'm saying? I got toI love pranks to like.
Like if I was, like,if I was going to prank you, right?

(01:01:50):
It's like,I have to know things about you.
Like, I have to know,like you're a big Yankee fan.
You know, I've gotten I've gotten.
Can't just be around as easy.
What?
Yeah.
So, like, I would know that.

(01:02:11):
And I could exploit itwith as simple as a shot
to get run as easy.
You got run as easy to text mebecause I would open up my text.
I would see if this is true.
I mean, I almost right see itand was like, I can't fucking believe it.
And so I like pranks too.

(01:02:32):
All right.
This fucking show.
Fuck you dude, he digs isn't that good.
Aren't you in a great mood now, though?Look at that.
The seasons back on, baby.
Oh, my God, this is back. I had what?
Mike fucking nailed it.
What a nail job, How relieved are you?
The seasons back, baby. Yankees and seven.

(01:02:52):
We're going to theWorld Series. One. Is this.
Which would you make that one up, too?
Yeah, just in case you didn't believe it.
Yeah, I went with the pass in 21.I was afraid you were going to see
it wasn't verified,so we didn't show that one.
But you Cl2, I'm like,I saw the video, by the way.
Pitching injurynot never never another game till like you
hit a double.

(01:03:14):
Yeah I thought your other Texas going.
What's. It's just.
Yeah. I'm going today.
No, tomorrow I'm going to the game.
So I was like, nah.
This is the kind of fun we could have.
Here's the thing. Here's I got to go. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because I love a prank to the point where.

(01:03:35):
And I love just comfort deception.
I will sit in discomforteven though it'll hurt me.
I still enjoy it.
So I enjoy it on one level.
But also, a prank should make the prankedfeel shitty and I do.
Yeah. So I appreciate that.And then it's full circle.
And now you're like, feel shitty.
You're also now relieved and happybecause now it's like you almost.

(01:03:56):
But I'm also still feelinglike he's out for the season.
I'm also still feeling he's healthy.
He's missing shake.
I got a realityand I've already went to accept.
It's so part of me want to accept that.
So now it's like,well now you're like doing something.
Hey, I appreciate you coming in,but I don't want this.
Well, Hey, we'll let you know this guykind of thing.
I'm going to get this job.

(01:04:28):
Thanks for listening.
Subscribe, rate, review and tell a friend.
Come see me on the road.
I'll be in Boston July 18th and 19th.
I'm also coming to Houston,Austin to meet us and more.
Be sure to watch always Netflixspecial America sweetheart
links to everything in the episodedescription.
Follow us and tune in next weekas I interview Jordan Jensen.

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Episode One: Ari Shaffir | Co-Host Wanted with Mike Feeney

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}Episode One: Ari Shaffir | Co-Host Wanted with Mike Feeney