Hot Dog Video Vol. 11 - Check Your Level on Love & Sex (1989) with 5 Day Rentals - Dead Formats

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:11):
Well, Pong's B.
R.
A.
now is the D.
N.
Doesn't like Den of Thieves.
Why?
It's
boring, dude.
It's like a shittier version of Heat.
Yeah.
Exactly.
Yeah, but Heat is so goodthat even a shittier version
is still pretty fucking good.
Like, there's still a window for it.

(00:32):
It's, yeah, I'm not saying it'samazing or anything, but it's a lot
better than I thought it would be.
I gave it two stars.
That's a solid four, dude.
So it's better than TeenageMutant Ninja Turtles 2, at least.
Yeah.
Slightly better than Pinocchio's Revenge.
Do you have that on your wall?
These ratings?

(00:53):
I've been thinkingabout it for years.
It's not that I'm obsessedwith Ninja Turtles 2.
Like, if I were to watch it today,it would be like a 3 or a 3.
5.
But giving it a 1, for me, that's likeamongst the worst movies I've ever seen.
And that's just ridiculous to me.
I think I was Mad at thecategory choice front bones.

(01:16):
I think that was your category.
It was his greasy, greasy, grimy, slimy.
And he chose that for slimy.
We could have done way better.
Okay.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
Sorry.
I made a bad choice.
Apologize.
This rewind is out.
Yeah, dude, you should pick the blob.

(01:37):
Yeah.
Why don't you pick the
blob?
Should have picked thegreasy strangler a second time
or
ghostbusters.
There's a guy named Slimer in there.
It's a five star banger, dude.
Uh, Ghostbusters 2, dude.
Yeah,
I think people are a littlehard on Ghostbusters 2.
I'm not saying it's a 5 star, but
I'm a Ghostbusters 2 over 1 person.

(02:00):
I have a lot of bad opinionsabout movies, you'll learn this.
I don't know, you gotta tend to midnight.
Poster.
Brantley sent me that.
Hey, you're seven o'clock.
If you saw the other poster Ihave in here, you'd be like, yeah,
he has bad opinions on movies.
What is it?
Uh, Star Crystal.
I've never even heard of this movie.

(02:21):
Case in point.
Write that down, Buntz.
Also a great pick forGreasy, Grimy, Slimy 2, if you
ever bring that category back.
I bet it should be like,uh, dirty, gravelly, what
else can we throw in there?
Gravelly?

(02:41):
Gritty?
Crunchy?
Crunchy?
Crispy?
Burl?
Snap, crackle, pop.
Snap, crackle, pop.
That might be pretty cool, actually.
You gotta have Georgeon for that gritty episode.
Mm hmm.
That's a good point.
If he comes in costume.
Yeah.
Let's do it.
Hello everyone.
And welcome to dead formats, a movieport movie podcast, where sometimes

(03:06):
we take a break from discussingmovies nobody's ever heard of.
And instead we play gamesthat nobody's ever heard of.
I'm your host, Chris, the professionalof love and sex, and this episode
we'll be going through a video magazinefrom 1989 hot dog video, volume 11.
Check your level on love and sex.

(03:26):
The season of love is just around thecorner and today I'm joined by three,
count them three, very special guests.
Bones, Kron, and Laundry Dan, howare you guys doing this evening?
Howdy, Chris.
How are ya?
Good.
I did ask how you aredoing this evening, though.
Oh, I'm doing well.
I'm happy to be here.
Thanks for having me.
Uh, looking forward to it erect and ready.

(03:49):
Hell yeah.
Uh, I'm doing great as well.
I've been looking up for the past weekand a half, uh, hot dog information.
So,
think I'm ready to go.
Hell yeah.
I am also here.
Good.
Good.
I'm glad
that you are also here.
First time being on the show.
Appreciate it.
Hell yeah.

(04:09):
So you guys are the three hostsof the five day Reynolds podcast
and, uh, bones has been on the showbefore to discuss phantasm revision.
So I won't make you gothrough the spiel again.
Uh, so why don't one of you other to tellthe listeners what your show is about?
Oh wow, it's the Five Day Rentals Podcast.

(04:30):
Uh, we pick a general category,and then each host has to bring
a movie that fits that criteria.
We cover all the big genres.
Revenge, erotic thrillers, puppet
flicks.
Stuff like that.
I'd say that sums it up pretty well.
Yeah,

(04:51):
you're a frequent collaborator.
Mm
hmm.
Yeah, I like to get in thereon those puppet categories.
Check out the episodethat, uh, On Pin from 1988.
Let us know if you thinkit's a revenge movie.
Well, it is, so.
Let us know if you correctlyagree that it's a revenge movie.
If you don't agree, re watch the movie.

(05:14):
I haven't the time.
I haven't the
time.
It's too long.
Make the time.
You were very knowledgeable onthat episode, Chris, by the way.
Hey, if there's one thing I know,it's things that no one cares to know.
That's what, that's my strength.
And it kind of spawned, uh, a bunch ofpeople reading the book, so Yeah, Andrew

(05:36):
Neiderman, if you're listening, andI know you are, that's because of me.
That spike in Kindledownloads, that's all me.
That's all me and 5DR, so Mm hmm.
You know.
Where's our fucking
money?
Yeah, give us a little back, dude.
We are hurting.
We are negative, bro.
I'm f I'm fine with just a shout out.

(05:59):
That's why we're poor.
We need shoutouts, dude.
And the next puppet incest book,he won't give you a shoutout.
Four Bones, Kron, andDan at the beginning.
Yeah,
make me a character.
Let us proofread it first.
So, like I said, uh, our, our deadformat this week is a lot of things.
It's a video eight, it's a videomagazine, and it's an interactive movie.

(06:22):
All three of those things Ithink qualify as dead formats.
So this thing is as dead as it gets.
And really, it's so obscure thatI don't need to ask you guys
if you've ever heard about it.
But, Five Day Rentals is a noted hotdog podcast, so tell me a little bit
about your history with hot dogs.

(06:44):
Well, you know, we Got a listgoing of movies that feature hot dogs.
Uh, it's just something we've noticed,uh, throughout time as we've done this
podcast for 15 years, that seems like
guys.
Yeah.
What's your personalrelationship with hot dogs?

(07:04):
Me?
I love him.
Yeah, I thought that was
the question.
Oh, I thought he was
asking.
Oh, okay.
You know, if there's a dogaround, I'm gonna investigate.
I like him.
To find out if it's hot or not?
Well, it needs to be hot.
You can't eat a cold hot dog, dude.
Alright.
You ate a cold hot dog?
Yeah,
I've eaten cold hot dogs before.

(07:27):
I famously am from the loinsof a cold hot dog eater.
Yes, this is true.
Yes, although I myself have nothad a hot dog in almost 12 years.
You sure you want toadmit that to the public here?
I think that may
put
you
at a disadvantage.
That's fine, that's fine.
How many random animal parts have I saved?

(07:51):
Probably three.
Yeah.
How many dogs were youputting down before that?
A lot.
Yeah.
In my prime, I could,I could do four dogs.
I could do, like, two footlong chili cheese conies.
I think I've dogged with you before.
Like, we've dogged in the same room.
Yeah, man.

(08:12):
We never shared a bun, but that Nah,
you never share a bun, dude.
And don't look each other in the eyes.
The wiener isfine to share, though.
Just not the bun.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I think if you lady inthe tramp it, it's okay.
Hey, can, can I ask a question?
Yeah, you may.

(08:32):
What's a video
magazine?
Um, that's a good question.
So, basically, you know, youhave these little Video 8 tapes.
You can see they're roughlythe size of a audio cassette.
And for like a few years in the lateeighties to early nineties, this is
one of those inventions that's like aglimpse into a future that never existed.

(08:58):
Um, so they did make likeportable players for these.
And the idea would be that,like, you have this, and it's
a replacement for a magazine.
Hot Dog Press is, was a print magazinein Japan, so it's like, I guess the
idea is, like, you're riding on a train,you have a portable Video 8 player.

(09:21):
And you're watching this semi pornographicfilm on a bus with people because you're
just so busy, you can't even read, likeyou can't even bother, you don't have
the time to read a magazine, you justgotta watch this fucking video, I guess.
Hmm.
So they're just videos, though.
It's not like, uh, like I load itup in my player and it's text that I

(09:44):
control how I scroll through the media.
No, it is not interactive in that way.
Okay.
So it's just video.
It's just a little video.
Yes.
Yes.
And there, I have otherones that are not like this.
Like, I have one that's like,it's sealed, so I'm thinking
about sending it to get graded.
But it's like, about how to like,not injure babies or something.

(10:07):
Like, the cover is just a baby aboutto put its finger in a wall socket.
I think I could get, I think Icould get it PSA 10, you know?
It's probably worth some money.
Hell yeah.
Isn't there a part of you that'slike, I gotta watch this though?
Yeah, I recently saw a second copy of itup for sale, so I might buy a second one.

(10:30):
I mean, we
can, we can find a YouTube anda WebMD, like blog, probably
get the same information.
But can you get it?
Don't risk it, dude.
Okay.
Yeah, that's, that's mint.
I can't fuck that one up.
Yeah.
But yeah, that's a, that's basicallywhat a video eight for video magazine is.

(10:52):
I was just going to ask like how, andI know you have a show about it, but
what are some of those things, likeyou mentioned, like, this is the future
we're going to have that were, you know,that just turned out to be absolute
failures, you know, like mini discs and.
Okay.
Thanks.
Um, monorails.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Like what, what are your otherobsessions that, that are out there?

(11:14):
Uh, so I'm, I mean, Ireally like the video eight format
just because it's small and itdoesn't take up a lot of room.
I think they're kind of neat likethat because they're all like, they
are, you know, roughly the same Fidel.
They actually have slightlybetter audio than a VHS.
And they were much more popular in Japan.

(11:34):
So I do have like a standalone,like full size VCR of them.
I mean, laser discs, that's, that'sfamiliar to anyone in America over a
certain age, although I never owned alaser disc player while it was like a
current machine and I don't think I everknew anyone that did, but I'm fairly
certain that's how Criterion started waswith laser discs and they still like have.

(12:01):
There's still, like, a bunch of,like, audio commentary tracks that
are exclusive to Laserdisc because,at the time, celebrities were not as
protective over their public image,so sometimes they would just say some
wild ass shit on a commentary track.
Now that, you know, they curatetheir public image a little bit
more, those don't make it to DVD orBlu ray or the subsequent things.

(12:24):
So yeah, I mean, things like that,you know, VHS board games, there's
a huge thing in the ninetieswhere it's like, everything's
going to be interactive media.
It's like, it's not justgoing to be a laser disc.
It's going to be a laser disc.
That's also a game or like Sega CD.
For some reason, we really thought thatvideo games Like, we wanted, like, full

(12:46):
motion video for, like, three years.
They thought that was gonna be awesome.
No one gives a shit about that now.
This is kinda like whenI put Aerosmith's Nine Lives
into my HP Windows computer.
I got to play, like, the littlespin game and shit like that.
Yeah, the Aerosmithnine lives album played

(13:10):
hell Yeah, and you could haveanother screen playing generation X
for the PlayStation at the same time
I think it's veryunderrated Aerosmith album.
By the way, it's it's great out
noted.
I'll take your word for itI'll look for the vinyl.
Well, then you can't play the pinball.
You get it on.
See what are you talking about?
Who has a senior player HP computer bones?

(13:32):
My truck is the only thing thatI own that has a CD player.
I got a CD player in my truck.
Kron has a CD player in his truck.
He doesn't have back seats,but he has a CD player.
You don't need the back seats, dude.
Yes, you do.
So the fact that,
uh, this Japanese company namedtheir smut, uh, what essentially is

(13:53):
a vlog, it sounds like, uh, hot dog.
Is that, uh, trying to, you know, reflector amplify, like, the cool American thing?
Mm hmm.
Or is it some, is it kind of like a dig?
I think it may possibly be thefirst thing, because the Hot Dog Press
is like a young men's lifestyle magazine,and it was in competition with a magazine

(14:16):
called Popeye for some reason, whichalso sort of evokes that Americana, so
you might be on to something with that.
Yeah, that's interestinggiven he's an American sailor.
Think they would be a little
Yeah,
touchy.
Who can say really?
Yeah.
So anyone that listens to the 5Day Rentals podcast will know that

(14:39):
you guys have had your fair shareof heated debates over the years.
Who does or doesn't love puppet movies?
What is or isn't an erotic thriller?
Is a hot dog a sandwich?
But perhaps the longest runningdebate on the show and one that
doesn't get as much coverage is aboutwhich one of you is the best lover.
And just to get, uh, the listenerswho haven't heard your show all

(15:03):
caught up on this dispute, I'veput together a brief audio overview
that should provide the appropriatehistorical context for tonight's game.
Which I will play now.
I am a goddamn Tasmanian devil justspinning around in that bed every night.
Sexually.

(15:24):
Would you guys like tointroduce yourselves?
Come gutterin bones.
And I'm a, I'm a handsome gigolo.
No, I was just gonna say Cron
Howard.
The ugliest one we have.
No, I already said I was most handsome.
You can't go back and undo it now.
You can't be a handsome gigolo,that's You gotta be, in Taco Bell

(15:44):
sauces, you have to be mild gigolo.
You can't be handsome.
I'm
Diablo Gigolo.
Oh, yeah, I don't think so.
My dick's on fire.
It's from all the gigoloing I've been doing.
Hey, put him on the big list of hunks.
Do we have one?
He earned it.
I'm number one,
but I think we do now.
I'm number one.
No, I'm number one.

(16:05):
Handsome Gigolo.
Kron Howard.
Number one.
You're married,you can't be a gigolo.
Followed by this guy.
Listener, we all know Dan and Kron Howardsplit the vote, allowing for Bones to
slide right into that top, hunky spot.
I don't know, I'm kind of a handsomeidiot that talks about films.

(16:25):
Not true.
He's the worst looking guy on this show.
He's the kind of dude that looks likehe's been working his whole life, but
he also seems like the kind of dudethat won't even smile during sex, so.
Do you smile?
Are you smiling during sex?
You guys aren't happy to have sex?
I'm happy, but I'm not creeping my wall.

(16:47):
No, I make direct eye contact and smile.
No!
I don't massage.
That's fucking rude, dude.
No,
it's not rude.
I don't massage because I'mnot going to work myself up.

(17:09):
It's just gonna lead to a massage.
It's not worth it.
Also, fuck redheads.
Just fuckin waylay them, dude.
Like a fuckin Hydra bulldozerwith fuckin redheads, dude.

(17:30):
Just Look out.
Dude, I do like a lot of shit.
It's not just one thing.
That's part of it.
I don't mean, I don't mean to offendyou, but it's so hard to imagine that.
What are you talking about?
It's just Thank you, Bones.

(17:51):
You know what I mean, right?
It's like
Do you keep the glasses on?
Uh, sometimes.
It's just I don't know.
Well, you know, he's gota smile on his face, so.
You don't think I You don't thinkI could do more than one position?
I'm not saying that.

(18:11):
That's exactly what you're saying.
No, I'm
not I think you could do a few.
I'm doing it the mostout of the three of us.
Shut the fuck up.
Shut the
fuck up.
If I'm getting it, it's
wherever.
You're not doing
shit.
Kron, I believe you can fuck.
I do.
To, I can throw down.

(18:32):
I don't know why you guysare doubting me tonight.
I, I, I, I just don't want it out therethat you fuck more or better than me.
Like, there's a, there's very fewthings where I'm like, I, uh, like,
you can say that you do, but to say,
he doesn't fuck more.
Wow.

(18:53):
Any comments on that gentlemen?
Yeah.
If you've not heard our podcast, that'swhat our film discussion sounds like.
So please stop on by andcheck out an episode.
Real original.
Yeah, I, I, I like the, um, progressionthrough our audio quality as well with
that clip made some tremendous strides.

(19:13):
Yes, hopefully people, uh, they,they powered through on that montage.
I could name one of those episodes.
That's it.
Yeah, I think smiling is inreference to Clint, right?
So we're
That's the only one I can name
was transcription used in thatChris like were you able to

(19:38):
Yeah, I May have used whisper AI totranscribe like 60 episodes of your show
so I could just ctrl F sex handsome Gigolo
I fuck I fuck more than bones
Yeah,
cut
stuff like that.
Cut to
that, like, you know, an hour fromnow when Kron clearly wins this.

(20:01):
Hey, it's anybody's game.
I mean, I said
I'm, I'm doing it the most and the best,so I don't see how I lose this thing.
But that was then, this is now, dude.
If I lose, this game is rigged.
Also, there is a thing, like, if you winthis, though, are you, are you a perv?
Are you a male slut?
Like is there anything to be said if youjust play reserved and you're like, you

(20:26):
know What what I do with the the peoplethat I've had sex with is a private.
It's private information I don'tI mean, I guess it's a good yeah,
I've not seen this video magazinebefore but yeah I don't know.
I would hate for the 35 45 women, youknow that I've been with to find out
that I've utilized this information

(20:49):
Did you say 45?
Yeah, so am I dividingby 7 or multiplying by 7?
Who knows?
I couldn't tellyou what the answer was
either way.
Yeah.
Well, full disclosure tothe audience, I feel like I have to
point out that Kron did try to askme for the answers to this at one
point and I shut that shit down.

(21:12):
I don't know if I asked for the answersmore, it was more so that I didn't
understand the format of the show.
I still don't.
I still agree.
I thought it was like, we watch it
ahead of time, and thenwe come here to talk about it.
But how would that be a test ifyou already knew the answers?
Like I said, I didn't even knowwhat a video magazine was, so I was

(21:33):
confused on all aspects of this thing.
Well, in defense of crime, itcould have just been like you gave
us a half hour video to watch andthen quizzed us on it afterwards.
That would probably be thenorm more normal route to go, I guess.
Karan, if you're gonna bemad at anybody, be mad at Bones,
cause he's already did thisshow, we didn't even know it.

(21:54):
Yeah, that's true.
Uh, dammit.
What did you play, Hot Dog Volume 10?
We didn't play anything,you'll hear the episode, we we
watched and analyzed something.
Yeah,
like a regular
show would do.
With far less fucking talk.
I think once I understood
what we were doing, I I didn'task any further for the answers.

(22:18):
Are there correct answers?
There certainly are.
There certainly are.
You don't
understand women at all, dude.
Yeah, but has the science changed?
You know, has society changedsince the release of this?
Well, society has changed, andalso this is from A completely different
society from the one we grew up in,so Yeah, so Take that into account.

(22:43):
But, uh, yeah, so one of the thingsyou guys have talked about on
your show recently is that, well,maybe I just talked about it is
that 2025 is a year of healing.
So we're going to try and putthis whole discussion to rest.
Finally, we're going to find out withthe help of hotdog video, volume 11.
Um, A little backstory on this.

(23:04):
I kind of already went over this whenKron asked, but I did buy this video.
I digitized it.
I subtitled it in English and thenI took it a step further and created
an English language audio track sothat listeners at home can actually
understand what's being said.
So that's what we'llbe doing this evening.

(23:25):
I'll be leading you three through a seriesof games on the hotdog video to determine.
Once and for all, who is themost handsome gigolo on 5DR?
Are you guys ready for that?
Uh, on the audio track, areyou doing the girls voices?
No, I actually, uh That's what I recordedthe last time I was on this show.

(23:46):
Yeah,
I understand.
DK was the man, Bones was the woman.
Yeah.
So Bones does have the answers, then?
Uh, no.
Rigged.
I I think, I, like, for everyanswer I read, seven fake things.
Okay.
Yeah, it was like, uh, TwinPeaks, who killed Laura Palmer.
We, we did multiple, multipletakes of this so that no one

(24:08):
knows the true answers but me.
I don't know if I've made itfurther than four episodes
into that show.
You said David Lynch, you
lost two guys here.
Hmm,
confusing as hell.
I
think I lostmyself a little bit, too.
I mean, I'm s I'm such a fuckin perv,when I hear Twin Peaks, I think of
the Hooters Knockoff restaurant, so.

(24:32):
Show Me's?
Tilt and Kilt?
Ron?
I know the Twin I knowthe Twin Peaks, dude.
I got
a membership.
You were supposed to name aknockoff Hooters restaurant.
Uh, for butts.
Tooters.
What?
Is that a
Are they serving in Tooters?

(24:53):
I don't know.
Beans and stuff.
Crab cakes?
Yes.
Not sure I get that one.
Uh, not, no, it's just, that's justone of their signature appetizers.
They
actually makereally good crab cakes.
Yeah, I mean, what do wings
have to do with titties?
So, it's like beans andsauerkraut and stuff like that.

(25:14):
You want the girls farting?
It's tutors, dude!
Okay, but Do they do it,like, away from you, or?
They don't lactate in hoolies.
Everyone's
got a candle on their table.
Is it like you pay more if theycan blow it out with the toot?
Yeah, well, I don't know if youhave to, but surely the good person

(25:37):
in you would tip a little more.
That's after 10 p.
m.
When the kids leave andaren't allowed in there?
No, 18 and up, dude.
Oh, 18 and up at Tudor's, huh?
Mm hmm.
They must have a lot ofbirthday parties there.
Yeah.
Is it full nude,
or?
A lot of solo birthdayparties at the Tudor's.
You eatin that cake?
Brown shirts, huh?

(25:57):
You eatin that cake if shehelps you blow out the candles?
Yeah, you gotta.
That's what you're there for.
No, that wasn't me moving the table.
That was the waitress.
It's for a specific clientele.
I don't know if you guysunderstand what Tudors is about.
I go for happy hour for the crab cakes.
That's it.
Sorry.

(26:18):
You're blowing smoke, dude.
Alright.
That's, uh, not gonna find agood segue after that, so we'll
just press play on this bad boy.
New Line Cinema.
Oh,

(26:45):
we need to get one of those.
That is a I want that trophy, dude.
Doc's and Hot Dog Trophy.
Behind the neck lat pulldown.
Shows you how outdated this is.

(27:07):
Why is there a lettuce on the hotdog?
I don't fucking know.
It's Japanese, man.
Hotdog press presentsyou the hotdog video!
The season of love isjust around the corner.
What do you think?
Are you doing it too?
But wait a minute.
Don't you want to know the true powerand potential of your love and sex?
That's why, after the latest HTV,we'll be doing game like check ins.
And we'll be providing you with arevolutionary love and sex self diagnosis

(27:31):
bible that will make you more capable.
There's a chart, an adventure,a thriller, and a drama.
There's a lot of fun stuff.
Finally a bible I can believe in.
We got boobs.
Use your hands and your head to play.
Hot Crescope is the cuttingedge fashion report of the 90s.
Don't miss it.
I'm the narrator.
The professional of loveand sex, Arthur Quirota.

(27:53):
Well, today's lesson is real interestingfor you and for me, so let's check
it out from the Hot Docs Video!
This rules.
It's time for the girls face to face test.
You have to classify thegirls by their face type.

(28:14):
This is a test to see how wellyou know their facial features.
You have to choose 5 girls out of the20 girls that appear in this test.
You'll be able to find out whatyou're looking for in a girl based
on the face of the girl you chose.
You'll also be able to find out howto win the heart of that type of girl.
You can rewind it as many times as youwant, or you can pause it for a moment.

(28:36):
Take your time and choose carefully.
Okay, so here'sthe first section of this.
Uh, this part has no bearing on the score.
It's really just to find out what typeof woman each of you is into, so I'm not
going to be keeping track of your answers,we're just going to go honor system and
you can tell me what the results were atthe end of this section, or any questions.

(29:01):
Uh, I'm going to see 20women and I need to pick 5?
Yeah, you just pick out the 5 thatyou think are the most attractive.
I feel like Mark Zuckerberg.
We had to go on anothershow to get cancelled.
Incredible.
Only five.
I guess I'll go with mama.

(29:24):
What?
Oh, I think this one's pretty good.
Ah, this one's pretty young.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Um.
Ooh, her complexion's too dark.

(30:00):
Her complexion's a littletoo pale, isn't it?
He's a little picky.
Oh.
Isn't this one a little cute?
I wonder what she's mad about.

(30:21):
Isn't she cute?
Ah, this one's no good.
Huh.
I'm sorry.
Damn,
this guy is harsh.
Fuck yeah.
Now that you've chosen five girls,use this table to highlight the

(30:41):
number and type and match them.
The type of face that had themost chosen among the five.
Yeah, so basically, you know,whichever one you chose the most of, like.
Falling into this color range.
Like that's your favorite type of woman.
If you split it between two categories,you can choose which one you want.
So if you just want to say whatcolor you got, I'm a blue, also blue.

(31:10):
Uh, guys, I hate to admit it,but we're all blue on this.
Oh shit, so you all like Yamatai typewomen, which we're about to hear him give
an explanation of what that means and,uh, the differences between the other
types of women presented in this section.
The five girls you
selected is the one you like most.

(31:30):
You can choose whichever type youprefer most, if there is no clear
winner based on your five selections.
Now.
I'm gonna show you your ideal girlfriendand how to win her heart First, yaay T.
She's a girl with bigeyes and a big heart.
Ea.
Yoko is also this type.
You chose Yaay because you areambitious in life, but you are
conservative towards girls.
You are the type of person who willreally settle into married life.

(31:53):
This type has a weaknessfor men who are open-minded.
The key to success is to be courteous andapproach them with the correct strategy.
So that was, uh, all your guy'stype, was that, that woman right there.
The
most called beautiful type with perfecteyes, nose and mouth is this Dragoon.
Keiko Matsuzaka is also this type.
But, you chose Dragoon because you'reconfident, full of vitality, and

(32:16):
have strong sense of self worth.
So now we're gonna be judged.
You're the type who wants to fall in lovewith a girl based on her personality.
Dragoon girls have a lot of pride.
They care about how peoplearound them see them.
So, you should compliment her.
You should make her proud.
You guys should try the, uh,crab dragoons at, uh, Zoner's.

(32:40):
She's active and has a gentle aura.
Nakayama Miho chan is also this type.
Miho!
You chose this type Because youthink life is all about having fun.
The southern type girl hasa lot of curiosity and loves
to be in the limelight.
They're all over the place and romantic.
To approach this type of girl, you haveto lighten up your footwork and use
a series of jokes and Japanese magic.

(33:04):
The Makedonian type.
She has thin eyebrows, andher eyes are long and sharp.
She has a simple face like Yuko Tanaka.
You chose this type becauseyou're very traditional and quick
to fall in love with a girl.
The Makedonian girl isthe gentle, stable type.
She may give you a standoffishfirst impression, But if you

(33:25):
push hard enough, the possibilitya love connection increases.
So,
there's that, um, I, ifany of those terms are considered
offensive, like, I have no idea if,you know, referring to someone as a
Yamatai is like an outdated thing.

(33:47):
So if it is, I apologize, but, uh,Now we're getting into the part of
the video that actually matters.
This, uh, with this dating simulation,you're going to be presented with
a set of questions and you'regoing to give me your answers and
I will keep track of them for you.
I put together a Excel spreadsheet that'sgoing to score all of this for you.

(34:08):
So, uh, yeah, let's, uh, getto the part that matters.
This is a test to see how good youare at dating by simulating a date.
Pretend you're going on a date andselect one of the three options
provided for each question.
There are five questions in total.
Look at the depth of that squat, dude.
After the question, we'lltally up the total score.
I'm not gonna ask foryour accent below, dude.
Yeah, man.

(34:28):
Great ankle flexibility.
First date with Yumi chan.
Just having a squat in the smoke.
Where will you escort Yumi chan?
I'm sorry.
I messed up.
Choose from the following three options.
Okay.
So the question is, wherewill you take this young lady?
You me on a first date and the optionsare one, ask her where she wants to

(34:51):
go right then and there to say, ofcourse, I have a reservation at the
restaurant or three, go to a friendlyplace like an Okonomiyaki restaurant,
which would be the equivalent of liketake them to a pizza parlor in America.
Okay.
And so the score sheet Imade goes Bones, Kron, Dan.
So that's the order we'll go in foranswers on all of these questions.

(35:13):
So Bones, what is your answer?
Is this, this is a first date?
Yes.
I'm
gonna go with two.
Two for Bones.
Kron.
Uh, yeah, I think I'm a two as well.
One implies, what, actuallyI'll let Dan answer first.
No, it's your turn.
Dan.
I'm going two.

(35:35):
I'm going
three.
We got Bones,Kron, two, Dan, three.
I mean, one implies you didn't even
think about
it.
Yes.
She's already going on a date with you.
She wants to see what you think.
Mm hmm.
Cabin store.
And two, I'm lying, but that'swhat, that's what's going to work

(35:57):
the best.
Yeah.
Yeah, you got to showthat you're easy going.
All right, yeah, let's goget some pizza, you know?
All right, well, we'll findout which one of you is right.
Okay.
Are you in your twenties going on adate or are you in your late thirties
and she's like I think you are
this guy who appears to be in hisearly to mid twenties, I would guess.
Sixteenth.
You're the guy who squats andsmokes in the, uh, poly way.

(36:20):
This guy's got life figured out.
This is Kron.
Mhm.
Alright, let's see what it says.
You chose number one.
Where do you want to go?
You decide for yourself.
It's your first day.
That's not right.
Crews want men to lead them.
So, that's an X.

(36:41):
Uh, in this, when you're answering, Xis one point, triangles are three points
and circles are five points, so none ofyou answered one, so you just, you at
least got an F right at the very least.
If it's a first date, you want tolead a girl casually like this.
So answer number two isthe most correct one, so.

(37:05):
Bones and Cron both get a circle.
You know, I know a really good
okonomiyaki place in the neighborhood.
Wanna go?
If it's your first date, put in
a little more effort than that.
You hear that, Dan?
Put in a little more effort than
that.
What does he know?
You
wanna, you wanna get pizza?
Dude, these, these southern and dragoonwomen, they wanna be charmed, dude.

(37:29):
Dude, everybody
loves pizza, dude.
Also, to be fair, Dan's beenout of the game the longest.
Subs Yeah, I'm still datinHe's at a disadvantage, yeah.
Constantly takin my fuckin hood rats.
Mm hmm.
So, to restaurants with reservations?
Yes, dude.
Yeah.
Throw that money around a little.
See where you get.
You might pick up two orthree more on the way.

(37:51):
I bet you, you have, you'll, youwill have pizza more times with a lady
in your life than you will reservations.
Not on first dates, dude.
You gotta keep dating your wife, bro.
You guys fuck on the first date?
Uh, that might be a question later,so I'm not going to answer yet
circle.

(38:12):
I feel like this, this question tome is, was somewhat outdated or like, I'm
not sure getting, maybe it's differentin Japan, but the type of restaurant you
have to get reservations for may be abit too much pressure for a first date.
So I think I kind of agree with Dan thatlike maybe something like lower stakes.

(38:34):
Would be better, but Ididn't make the quiz.
They obviously disagree with me.
Thank you, Chris.
Dude's had a lot of pizza.
The
two headed to the restaurant.
Now, the second question.
It seems like Yumi chan is a littlenervous about her first date.
Now, what kind of conversationdo you want to have?

(38:55):
You can pause the video, so thinkcarefully before you choose.
Should I read the possible
answers?
I was muted.
So thanks for chiming in with that bonus.
Uh, yeah, so this question is about, uh,what do you want to talk about with Yumi
on her, on your first date with her whileyou're having dinner and the, uh, answers

(39:16):
are one, make an impression by talkingabout your family and personality to get
laughs with lighthearted material or threeshower her with praise and compliments.
So bones, what is your answer?
I'm going to.
Two get laughs withlight hearted material.
Kron?

(39:37):
Yeah, I gotta agree.
I'm going two on this one.
And Dan?
Yeah, we're all big number twos here.
Won't argue with that.
Now, the answer to the question.
My dad owns a lot of land.

(39:57):
And, uh, he's a doctor, too.
Hey, hey, don't be soarrogant and don't tell lies.
If you answered numberone, you will get slapped.
Don't talk about your familyor personality on a first date.
Well, I don't know.
I mean, that guy's dad's doinga lot better than my dad.
So, maybe that's somethingto mention, you know?
If that guy knows his dad, Idon't, so Yeah, but my dad could

(40:21):
beat up his dad, so I don't care.
There was a fat old man anda small old man fighting.
So I stopped them, and the fatold man kicked me in the butt.
It really hurt.
Let's
follow them in a fun
atmosphere.

(40:42):
So number two, that got the circle.
You were all correct on that.
When on a first date, regale them withtales of fat men chasing small men.
Yeah, I don't, uh, that storywasn't very funny to me.
I think I've got some better material.
That was a shit joke.
Well, don't drop all your fuckingclosers on your first date.

(41:03):
I bet he doesn't evenleave, or come back to a 360.
He's working out a type 15while he's on the dating circuit.
You're so cute.
I like you.
I love you,
right?
Yo, what are they drinking?
That chick has a glassof formaldehyde, dude.

(41:26):
What is, uh, Absinthe?
What is it
called?
Yeah, Absinthe and, uh,fucking He's got some ecto cooler.
Oh, wait.
But the important thing isthat telling a woman you love them
on the first date is not as badabout talking about your parents.

(41:47):
This is a partially correct answer.
At least this is about herand not about you though.
Yeah.
I mean, that'sa, that's a fair point.
See, it felt like tome, number three, that
answer
is like
you're trying too hard to win her over.
Yeah.
Number one, you're not evenletting her talk about herself.

(42:10):
That's why you got to tell the,the fat man beat me up story.
Number three said showerher, like you can give her a,
you look nice this evening.
Exactly.
Well, you allyou got that one, right?
I'll take it.
I'm still losing ifyou say that flippantly
Let's move on to the next oneAfter dinner Barney and Yumi Chan

(42:34):
the guy I used to date asked meto get back together with him
She brings up her exboyfriend, what will you do?
So Yumi starts talking abouther ex boyfriend while you're on a
date with her, how do you respond?
You The answers are one, listensympathetically, two, say absolutely

(42:58):
not, or three, listen to the story andlet her know how you feel, so bones.
I'm gonna go number one, listen
sympathetically.
Okay.
Cry.
Uh, I'm gonna go
number three on
this one.
Okay, Dan.
Yeah, I'm going three as well.
Uh oh.
Also, did you guys notice that chickhas a larger glass of blue liquid now?

(43:23):
It's tripled in size.
Three sheets to the wind, andstarts talking about her ex boyfriend.
You know, Yumi chan, I thinkI like you more than he does.
What do you think?
It's fine.
I mean, I'm just

(43:44):
Hey, don't be so whiny.
Did he drink all those Budweiser's?
So, Bones, partiallycorrect on that one.
Listen sympathetically is not themost correct answer to this question.
Wait,
he wasn't listeningsympathetically, though.
That was him giving how hefeels about the situation.
I'm gonna argue the hell out of this one.

(44:07):
We are at the mercy ofthese AI generated subtitles.
We're all on equal footing.
When you date somebody,you date their past.
Whether you want to or not.
Uh,
Dan, he, he diddrink all those beers.
He's 35 deep.
Fuck yeah, dude.
I like this guy.
I like you, Benny.
Write Hot Dog Press a letter,Bones, and let him know how you feel.

(44:29):
Okay.
I bet he's itchin to get outside
and have a squat smoke right now, dude.
That many beers to eat, are we all?
I'm smoking a piss, dude.
Mm hmm.
It's obvious that you like me more.
You don't understand, really.
Oh good, he's smokin You'relucky to have a good guy like me.
It hurts.
Now you're just being f ing arrogant,

(44:50):
so Answer number two, sayabsolutely not, that is completely
incorrect, and she hits him inthe head with a serving tray.
None of you answered two.
I know, but I like you too.
Looks like Dan and Kron were correct.
Great, you're an adult.
Yumi chan is impressed.
How the fuck is that anydifferent than the first one?

(45:12):
Dude, you're just madyou are not an adult.
Okay.
Better get used to it,dude, you're just mad.
I'm just waiting for the first
rigged accusation to fly.
It hasn't happened yet,but I'm sure it will.
I think we've been pepperingthem through this episode.
Don't say we, I have all my rigged cards.

(45:36):
Let's go to the fourth question.
Are you playing billiards?
What the fuck is this?
Do it like this.
See, it's in the whole condom.
Yeah, but what is that guy using?
Oh, that's his umbrella.
A
situation like this.
So the situation is for the people thatdon't have the visual component to this.

(45:58):
Basically, you're at a bar playing poolwith a girl and some guy in sunglasses
and a woman's cut denim jacket rollsup and tries to steal her from you.
Uh, how do you respond?
And the answers are one, pushhim away, go to another bar.
Two, buy drinks for the three ofyou, or three, firmly tell him

(46:20):
she and I are talking right now.
So what do you think, Bones?
Yeah, I'll continue the being at adisadvantage going first every time
and say, uh, three, firmly tell himshe and I are talking right now.
Okay, that's a three for Bones.
Uh, clearly he had on
a men's cut jacket.
I don't think you guys, maybe we needto watch more HotDog or possibly some of

(46:43):
those Popeye videos and you guys couldsee what a men's denim jacket should
look like, but I'm torn on this one.
Uh.
I'm gonna go three
on this as well.
Okay.
Three for me.
Three for me, yeah.
Three's across the board.

(47:07):
Let's go, let's go.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Wait a minute.
Let's go.
What?
Let's go.
I said let's go.
He's yanking her by the wrist here.
I'll teach you a lesson.
Yeah, so, push himaway and go to another bar.
What that actually meant, as Bonespointed out, is grabbing her arm

(47:27):
and trying to force her to leave.
For which he gets hit in theforehead with a pool cue.
He didn't push that guy in themasculine jacket at all, dude.
No, no, he didn't.
So that one is completely incorrect,but, uh, let's see what number two is.

(47:53):
Don't be so pathetic.
It's a date.
You're pathetic.
So, don't buy drinks foryou and the guy and the girl
you're with, I guess, but it'smore correct than trying to leave.
I like his, uh, Golden GirlsDorothy scarf that he's got
over the masculine denim jacket.

(48:14):
It fits really in goodwith that feminine jacket.
Yeah.
And don't you got a jacket like that?
That's clearly
a men's
cut, dude.
The scarf says otherwise.
Well the scarf is.
The way those, the shouldercut on that is terrible.
Like almost like it's missing, youknow, 80s shoulders, like shoulder pads.

(48:38):
It's a real slouch when he got
it out of his mom's closet.
Yeah.
The glasses are cool though.
They're not.
Little Neo glasses?
Yeah, what are you talking about?
They'd be cool if they had the fuckingholographic aliens in them, dude.
I mean, the trying to stealsomeone else's date's pretty cool.
Yeah?

(48:58):
Playing pool with an umbrella.
I'm sorry to interrupt you,but we're on a date right now.
A manly attitude is the right thingto do, but don't get into a fight.
So you all three werecorrect on that, with your manly
attitudes and manly jackets.

(49:20):
Fits.
Today was fun, wasn't it?
So, how do you make plans
for your next date?
So, after your date, how are yougonna make plans for the next date?
And the answers are 1.
On the way home, askwhen can we meet again.

(49:42):
2.
Call her when you get home.
Or three, collar out of the blue, oneweek later, we'll ask Dan first so as not
to put anyone at a severe disadvantage.
Yeah, I think I'm going number one.
Right, that's a one for Dan.
Bones, what do you think?
Number one.
Number one.
Okay.

(50:02):
Gotta be number one.
Alright.
Yumi chan, when are wegoing to meet again?
How about Wednesday?
You're a good man.
She'll go out with you again.
You don't have to push her.

(50:22):
So all three of you are correct on that.
You don't have to push her, butyou can put your arm around her
and pull, pull her in real tight.
Throw out those doses.
A little 90 degree spoon there rightin the street after your first date.
Yeah.
Alright.
Alright.
Well, she was just swooningover you at the, the pool hall
after you politely but firmly toldthe guy in the jacket to go away.

(50:45):
If that doesn't deservea side hug, I don't
know what does, dude.
Krantz, you know, you actuallyhave never paid me for, um, you
know, Your first date when I camein wearing my Nike windbreaker.
Mm hmm.
Tried to show your nowwife how to throw darts.
And I never will.

(51:06):
Thanks for letting me,uh, beat you up though.
Yeah, thank you.
That's all I was looking for.
Cron, you never paid me forbeing the guy that was talking
while you had the peace in yourear to get you through the date.
Yeah, I had to turn a lot of the dude,you can't say that stuff in public.
Come on, dude.
It was all positive.

(51:27):
It was a lot of, uh, like swearing andthere was like, I mean, it was just really
a 20 minute rant about the government.
I had to buy her a drink to start and
then that led.
Well, when you had me in that sleeperhold, we were ear to ear and all I
heard was just Gaza, Gaza, Gaza, Gaza.

(51:49):
It was crazy.
You me trying to, all right.
Let's see what the incorrect.
Were like.
Ah, . I just got home.
Yeah, it was fun.
When will we meet again?
Do you know what time it is?

(52:11):
Not too bad, but latenight calls are a nuisance.
Good evening, Kanaka residents.
Indeed, it's indeed.
They are.
Indeed.
Are you an idiot?
Call me Yumi.
I don't care.
Whoa!
Oh, it's Yumi.
How are you?
Let's meet tomorrow.
It's been a while.

(52:32):
I said let's meet, idiot.
Well, alright.
You went on one date, andnow you're just bothering us.
That's a hefty lamp.
Yeah, that's, uh, Call her out ofthe blue one week later is what the
answer said, but nowhere in that didit say you were gonna call her an
idiot multiple times over the phone.

(52:57):
Circles are worth five points.
So that's the end of the first section.
X's are one point.
Add it up to get your total score.
If you're not happy withyour score, try again.
So,
based on, it's a very tight game.
We got Bones and Dan at 23 and Kron at 25.
Whoa.
Guess we finally
answered who the handsomegigolo of the podcast is.

(53:20):
There's more questions, you idiot.
There's a
lot more.
It's, it's everybody, everybody's gamenow, you know, but if, I mean, if the
listener had to say based on how this onewent, I think we know where they'd land.
That's not true.
When people are filling out theirMarch Madness brackets, they don't
always just choose the team thathas the higher win percentage.

(53:43):
One of these two is like,uh, Dan's like a Creighton.
He's a dark horse.
Mm
hmm.
Motherfuckin Blue Jay, baby.
Give, uh, Bones one, see if hecan name it, what the team is.
Uh, Loyola
Marymount.
Oof.
Cool.
That's a tough one.
Yeah, that's a cool one.
Alright, what's the next, uh, uh, Batch.

(54:07):
Kron's winning.
Fuck off.
Don't say that.
I think we all knew in ourhearts that would happen.
It's not even close to being over.
It's not even close.
One section.
You basically wrote your name inthe most legible handwriting is
how far we've gotten into this.

(54:31):
Now, let's see if a girl hasfeelings for you that she won't say.
The main character, Kayoko Sare,is being accused of having a steady
relationship with several men.
I'd like you to guess which of thethree men she is really dating by
studying her subtle words and actions.

(54:53):
Hot Dog Video Presents.
Love Mystery Theater.
Are
all of herboyfriends terrorizing her?
Yeah, I don't know.
This is the weirdest section of it.
I mean, barring the sex stuff that weget to later, but basically what this
is, is you're trying to figure outwhich one is her boyfriend by watching

(55:15):
this upcoming section and observinghow she interacts with each one.
So hopefully that makes sense.
That's as well as I understand it.
Uh, based on the lead in clip,I would say none of them.
You would hope.
These are
Kayoko Sadeg's lovers.
Who's the real boy, then?
Yamada Taro, 23 years old.
He's a third year student andclassmate of Kayoko Sadeg,

(55:37):
who attends Sanrio University.
Even though he is dressed ina strange way, he has a lot of
girlfriends who walk next to him.
Which one should I choose?
This one, right?
How did you know?
Wow, what is this?
A big breast!
Wow, that's right.
It's amazing.
Recently, there's been a guywho can't stand me these days.

(56:02):
I know him.
He's the Yashida Junichi type, isn't he?
Yes, he is.
But I'm so cute.
Aren't I?
That's so, that's so damnthe Yashida Junichi type.
Yamada kun is a very sensitive person.
We have a great relationship.
It's good.

(56:25):
So, to recap, when Kyoko is withYamada, he helps her pick out clothes from
a catalog, the two look at porn together,and she talks with him about other boys.
This guy looks like a serial killer, dude.

(56:48):
I'm sorry I kept you waiting.
Hey, it's been a while, right?
Yeah, it's been a while.
By the way, what do you want to eat?
I want to eat with you.
Suzuki san?
Okay, let's go.
My friend, Yoko.
Her boyfriend dumped her.
What makes a man dump a woman?

(57:10):
I have a part time job now.
I'm going to organize thebooks in the bookstore.
Sounds like a lot of work.
Good luck.
Aren't there a lot of girls at bookstores?
I'm looking forward to it.
Satakayoko is full of energy, butas a woman, she's still a bit stiff.
In the summer, when she's evenmore mature, Suzuki says she's
going to confess his love for her.

(57:33):
Suzuki san is a serious and human person,but I know how to make people work harder.
So, when she's withSuzuki, they go out to eat.
She asks him what makesa man dump a woman.
And he talks to her about hispart time job at a bookstore.
Takahashi
Saburo.
20 years old.
Second year at Itoko University.

(57:54):
Sada Kayoko is a childhood friend fromthe same middle school and high school.
The house is nearby.
They go for a drivetogether on the weekends.
He has a closer relationshipwith her than with anyone else.
Hey, how about we all go toIzu for a date this weekend?
This is a good guy.
Oh, that's a good idea.
By the way, I heard there's a drinkingparty in Shibuya this Thursday.
That's right.

(58:14):
I'd be happy if you couldcome pick me up at 11.
Favorite party.
Hey, do you have a crushon anyone right now?
Hey, no, no.
I think we can get into that one.
I mean, isn't it more fun to partywith everyone than to have a boyfriend?
It's so much more fun when we'rehaving a good time together.
But Takahashi says he doesn't talkabout love because he likes her.
I feel weird when Takashikun isn't with me.

(58:37):
He's smart and he's good at driving.
He's a high grade boy.
Boy.
So when Kyoko is with Takashi, they plana weekend with friends, plan on going to
a drinking party together in Shibuya, andshe says that she'd rather be single and
date around than be tied down to one man.

(58:58):
So, gentlemen, which one of these guysdo you think is Kyoko's boyfriend, Dan?
I'm going with the second guy.
Okay, Kron.
Yeah, give me the serialkiller second guy.
It's lame, but I'm gonna be the same.
Yeah.
Alright.

(59:18):
I mean, the other two guys are,they're friend zoned, right?
Yeah.
Yeah.
He did
look at porn with the first one.
Yeah, I don't know what's going on there.
She seemed the most excitedwhen she met that second guy.
You know, she is like, I justwant to do stuff with you.
Yeah, she seems like concernedabout his career and pushing him.

(59:42):
He's working at the bookstore, dude.
He's doing ABCs,
you know.
Dewey
Decimal.
All those mangas.
Yeah, it's a, it's a Sisyphean tasktrying to alphabetize that hentai.
Right to left.
They all get stuck together.
What the hell?
I don't think the right to leftwould really be a problem for

(01:00:03):
them because, you know, that'show they normally do everything.
No, it's a
problem.
Oh, shit.
Consider the evidence carefully todeduce who Kayoko's real boyfriend is.
If you still don't know the answer,you'll have to play the game again.
The answer is Suzuki san.

(01:00:24):
What?
Are you serious?
Then let's have her tell us the answer.
So you were right,it's the serial killer guy.
Yeah!
They're always pulling chicks, dude.
He's the ugliest one!
It's not about looks, Dan.
The heart.
Who has the best ropeand knife collection?

(01:00:45):
Who wears stockings over their face best?
A girl's true feelings areexpressed through gestures,
facial expressions, and emotions.
You have to make sure youdon't miss the boy's hand.
That's what I did.
Try to remember it.
Maybe use your words, you know?

(01:01:06):
You'd hold your bag closely or keepyour legs away from him, right?
No matter how close you are, youdon't want to get close to them.
Also, holding your head in onehand means you're a little bored.
In this case, I'm trying to say, you cantouch me, and you're getting closer to me.
Yes, here and here.
The content of the story is alittle different between Yamada

(01:01:26):
kun, Takahashi kun, and Suzuki sen.
Yamada kun has already crossed theline between a man and a woman,
and it's okay to talk about sex.
It is real love.
You don't ask permission to touch it.
Also, sometimes it's not your realintention to hold hands and talk.

(01:01:50):
Takahashi kun is just getting alongas a little convenient boyfriend.
If it's your real love,you'll try to talk to him.
And you're putting yourfeet inside, aren't you?
And clenching the glasswas a sign of excitement.
Did you understand the riddle?
A girl's emotions are basedon her words and actions.

(01:02:18):
Bit of a floozy though, right?
I mean, we're gonna, like,That's a little too much.
I, uh, I'm not sureI would use that word.
Is that an outdated term?
I think
so.
Okay.
The other word that popped up Ithought, certainly don't say that.
I mean Whore.
I didn't even consider whore.

(01:02:40):
I think the implication with thethird guy is that she's just using him
because he has a car and he can drive heraround, so, I mean, that's not very nice.
No, I don't, I don't like her.
Did ladies really do
all these, like Shits.
Uh, I mean, kinda sounds likea question that an expert in love

(01:03:03):
and sex wouldn't be asking, right?
I'm asking the
other two.
Uh, yeah, I picked up on allthat stuff in the videos, dude.
Okay.
That's why I answered number two.
I noticed how she, uh, clutchedher glass like a golem.
I don't know if I like this chick.
Chris, what if I don'tagree with dating this girl?

(01:03:25):
Does that affect my score?
I mean, you're not datingher, you were just trying to figure
out who she's dating by queuingin on the non verbal queues.
I think I'd like to be that first guy,
right?
Just, you know, it's Friday, let'sgo pick up the new porno mags, have
a gander, read it in broad daylightin a park, mm hmm, smoke a cigarette,

(01:03:46):
get the hell out
of there.
Yeah, but you don't lookgood in white, dude.
Well, I'm not gonna dress like him.
Or her, for that matter.
I don't know.
I think you just
throw a jacket over
that white outfit, you'd be fine.
Is that a thing they're doing over there?
Like, hey, let's just, let's checkout the new porno mags together?

(01:04:07):
Yeah, I mean, to me, that'sthe weirdest thing, because that
guy is not her boyfriend, andthat's definitely a problem.
Mm hmm.
Yeah, but over there, maybethat's more accepted than in America.
You know, there's, there'sbreasts in magazines.
That's just how it is.
Over here?
Maybe it's not a porno mag,is what I'm trying to say.

(01:04:30):
Over here, I only look at it with myboys when we're on a trip together.
In England, they spell floozy with an I E.
I don't know how it's actuallyspelled, so I can't, can't comment on it.
Sound it out.

(01:04:50):
Floo, F L U Z Z E E.
Floozy.
F L U Z Z E E.
Alright, well, the scores are, youknow, no one made any gains there,
it's gonna be twenty eight bonesand Dan and thirty for Kron so far.

(01:05:13):
Fuck.
Uh, is that a perfect scoregoing into the next round?
No, that is not a perfect score.
What?
I have a perfect score.
Maybe.
You have the highest score, Idon't know if it's a perfect score.
I think it's a perfect score.
Listener, send me an email.
Does Kron have a perfect score or not?

(01:05:34):
No, cause you got the first
one wrong.
You only got half of it.
No, I got that one right, dude.
No, the first question,you only got halves.
I thought.
He and I have onlydeviated on one question.
That's correct.
All of the scoring is likeobscured into like Excel formulas.
So me figuring out whether or not youhave actually got a perfect score would

(01:05:58):
be somewhat difficult to do off the dome.
But, uh, like I said, if anyone candispute it, uh, DM Kron on Instagram.
Just write, you're perfect.
Send that to
me.
I'm gonna kiss you, G.
Next up, I'll buy youa blue glass of liquid.

(01:06:19):
You and I are going to go to thebottom of the ocean to find the answer.
Now, we're gonna have you sayyes or no to whatever happens.
Choose yes if you thinkshe would respond yes.
Choose no if you thinkshe would respond no.
Your answers will determineyour path forward.
Let's get started.
Okay.
So this is, I take it back.

(01:06:41):
This is actually more confusing thanthe last section, but basically you're
supposed to imagine if you were inthese situations with your lady and
you answer yes or no, based on how youwould actually act or how you think
your significant other would respond.
So does that make sense?

(01:07:02):
Uh, not really.
Hopefully when we get into it, yeah,it's, it's pretty confusing, but we'll
I'm just trying to pick if this ladywould say yes or no to what I'm asking.
Basically, but they're notall like it's they're not all
just like yes or no questions.
It's like would she act in this way?
Yes, or no, it's it's confusing,but it'll make hopefully make more

(01:07:24):
sense once we get into it So let'sjust start with question one.
Wow sudden storm.
Should you hold her body tightso she doesn't fall into the sea?
Should you hold her body tight soshe doesn't fall into the sea and those
These little things are not scores, sodon't, don't pay any attention to that.

(01:07:46):
Would that be your, that'show you key in the input?
Yeah.
So Kron, you go first this time.
Alright, so the questionis, hold her tight so she
doesn't
fall into the sea as
a windstorm comes in.
Yeah.
Uh, I'm gonna go yes, I guess.
Okay.
Bones?
Yes.
Yes.

(01:08:07):
Dan?
So
I'm with this chick, right?
That's what I'm Yes.
Do you
or do you not wanther to fall into the sea?
Let's go yes.
Okay.
Yes,
you do want her to fall into the sea?
Oh, I'm gonna hold her tight, Kron.
Okay.
Yes, go to question two.
No, go to
question three.
So you all

(01:08:28):
answered yes, so you doneed to answer question two.
A big passenger ship is passingby, and the handsome captain
says he'll give you a ride.
Do you still say my yacht isbetter, is how the question ends.
I have to kind of pause it before it fullyends so it doesn't show that little key.
But, uh, the question is, you're ona boat with some woman, some dude,

(01:08:51):
Drives by on an even nicer yacht.
Do you, do you say, hey, let's get onhis yacht, or do you say my yacht is
better, is kind of what the question is.
So, bones.
Yes, my yacht is better.
No, let's get on his yacht.
I'm so fucking confused, but I'm gonnasay, Sure, let's get on the better yacht.

(01:09:16):
Alright, Dan?
Nah, we're staying on my boat.
You know, you can't.
Don't let this guy.
Nah, fuck that guy.
Kron.
Uh, I'm picking my yacht is better.
I don't need this handsome yachtman trying to fuck up my day, dude.
So that's a yes for Kronand Dan, and a no for Bones.

(01:09:37):
You still say,
my yacht is better?
Yes, go to question four.
No, go to question five.
So, Bones will be going toquestion five, and you two will be
answering question The weather is great.
Four, so we don't really need to payattention to this question number
three, but basically if you broughta swimsuit for a woman and asked

(01:10:01):
her to change into it, would she?
Is the question three.
That's the son Henry Rollinsgot tattooed on his back.
So this one is for Kron and Dan.
She was bitten by a sea snake.
You say, it's bad if youget bacteria in your wound.
I'll suck out the blood with my mouth.

(01:10:21):
So, she gets bitten by a seasnake, do you suck out the poison?
Uh, Dan.
Yes.
Alright, that's a yes for Dan.
Kron?
Uh, it's
where I hope this datewas going the whole time.
It's a yes for me.
Alright.
Is that okay?
Yes, go to question eight.
No, go to question seven.

(01:10:42):
So you guys will both go toquestion 7, and Bones will have to
answer your question 5 coming up now.
It's bad.
She's drowning and unconscious.
You say, can I use mouthto mouth for artificial
respiration?
Do you resuscitate thiswoman that's drowning?
Will she accept your help?
Yes.

(01:11:05):
Is she out?
Can she answer?
I mean, it says, you say,can I use mouth to mouth.
For artificial respiration, sothat's kind of a tricky question.
Because if she truly needsit, she probably can't answer.
But, maybe she's just playingcoy, and she wants you to kiss
her.
She did put on that bathingsuit this guy gave her, though.

(01:11:27):
I gotta
suck blood out andbones gets to kiss the chick?
Pfft.
Is that okay?
Yes, go to question seven.
No, go to question six.
He looks so happy, dude.
. So bones will move to question seven.
None of you have to answerthis shark is coming.
This question, you're
scared you can put your facein my chest until it passes by.

(01:11:50):
If it's yes, go to question 10.
If it's no, go to question 11.
So, this is Bones.
Bones back up a bat.
Question seven.
A big
wave came and her blanket got wet.
The night breeze is cold.
You can use it.
You tell her.
I'll give you my blanket.
Then you'll ask, can I getin the blanket with you?

(01:12:13):
What will she say if you offerher your blanket and then you ask, can I,
can I snuggle up to you in this blanket?
Will she say yes or no?
Hell yeah.
Right?
If yes, go to question nine.
If no, go to question nine.
The bones
will go to question nine.
This is question eight, whichis getting worse and worse.

(01:12:36):
Dude, a fucking pirate showed up.
You should have got on
the other yacht, man.
. Yeah.
You guys are trying to be big shotswith your yacht, but Jesus Christ.
Yeah.
So, uh, Kron and Dan bothmust answer question eight.

(01:12:56):
You, you run away on the
boat,
but will she not run awayand share your faith?
So, the scenario, your boat isattacked by pirates, you fight, get in
a sword fight with the pirate, and youtell the woman, Hey, get out of here.
Will she say yes and leave, or will shesay no and fight the pirates with you?

(01:13:18):
So, cron.
I mean, where's she gonna go?
Overboard?
It is a yacht.
It's a good question.
Just the other end of the yacht?
Uh,
guess no.
She'll hang out and fight pirates with me.
All right, it's a no for Krantz.

(01:13:40):
Dan?
We're in this together.
Like, you're gonna fight with me.
Let's go.
Okay.
So conveniently
Yes, go to question 12.
No, go to question
No goes to question nine, whichis the next one and that brings you all
back to the same question once again So

(01:14:00):
whoa
to chance to distinguish yourself
You caught only one fish today
Here you eat it,
but will she say let's share it
So, you guys are fishing on a date,you only catch one fish and you offer
it to her, will she share it with you orwill she eat all of the fish to herself?

(01:14:23):
So yes is she will share it, noshe won't share it, uh, bones.
Yes, she's gonna share.
We already shared oxygen.
Dan.
Yeah, I think
she'll share
it.
Kran?
Uh, yes.
We killed pirates together.
She loves me.
Dude.

(01:14:43):
She would die for you.
Yes.
Go to question 13.
No, go to question 14.
So
all three of you goesquestion 13, are you gonna just
let these next few play out?
You want to end the date early,but What are you talking about?
The fun part is yet to come.
Machine, where are you going?

(01:15:05):
If you say yes, go to question 14.
If you say no, you get a D.
You
couldn't help but fart in front of her.
But will she continue yourjourney with a smile on her face?
If you say yes, I'll give you a C.
If you say no, I'll give you a D.
Someone's been eating at the Tudors, dude.

(01:15:26):
You finally found a treasure.
Is she willing to go on a worldtour with just the two of you?
If you say yes, it's an A.
If you say no, it's a B.
All right, so question 13.
You are all on this question, and thisis pretty much gonna decide the scores.

(01:15:48):
So let's hear it.
You
finally found a
treasure.
You
say something lonely like,
let's split it 50 50s.
Would you say
that?
So if you found treasure, would youtell this lady, let's split it 50 50?
Um, Dan,

(01:16:09):
I understand it's a lot to take in.
No, no, you're in you've you'vedone this much together, so, you
guys will stay with each other.
This is a good ol AshtonKutcher goes to Las Vegas.
Gets married for the money.
Okay.
I don't know what that is
called.
Bones.

(01:16:29):
Wait, what did Danny,what was Dan's answer?
He said, no, he wouldn'tsay let's split it 50, 50.
So you're saying let's stay togetherand spend the money together.
How's that not splitting it?
Yeah.
I feel like you're answering.
Yes, Dan, let's split it.
50, 50.
No, I don't want to split it.

(01:16:49):
The quest, the, the actualquestion is whether or not you
would say let's split 50, 50.
Would you say
that I don't see is splitting it Isee splitting it 50 50 as I take half you
take half and then we go our separate ways
Yeah, that's what's confusingme as well because I'm assuming
we're in this together.
Yeah Yeah,
we're I don't want to Idon't want to split it 50 50.

(01:17:12):
Okay, so bones.
Are you with Dan on that?
I think
Yeah, we're at, we're at the limit ofhow much this gives us, so, I'm, I,
that's not something that I would say.
I wouldn't say, yeah, weshould just split this 50 50.
I'm just going to assume that,that we're, we're in this together.
We're not, we're not splitting forthe sake of going our separate ways.

(01:17:35):
Alright, so that leaves,we'll see how that rolls out.
Well, that leaves Kron.
Would you say let's splitthis treasure 50 50?
50 50?
This is a confusing
quiz.
It certainly is.
Um, I think I'm gonna go with no as well.

(01:17:55):
I feel like it's just,like, splitting does imply
we're going our separate ways.
Alright, final answer?
Everyone locked in?
Yes.
No.
Yeah.
Alright.
Let's find out
if it's a yes, you get a B.
If it's a no, you get a C.
So all of you get a C whofinally found a treasure.

(01:18:17):
However, you were suddenlyattacked by an octopus.
You were in a state of disarray,but you managed don't need to.
The treasure question aboutbeing attacked by an octopus.
Don't worry about the treasure.
I'm just happy that you're safe.
If it's a yes, you get a C.
If it's a no, you get a D.
Now it's time to judge.
Congratulations.
Your girlfriend is in love with you.
I don't care.
Who knows?

(01:18:38):
Wow.
None of us.
So even had the option of getting an A.
No.
You sure didn't.
If, if you, if any of you hadanswered differently on question
13, you, you would've had achance, but didn't happen that way.
I killed pirates with this bitch.
If you get an A, that meansshe loves you too bad.

(01:18:58):
Wait,
we watched all these videos.
Was there even a, you get an A?
Yeah.
Uh, I think thatwas, no, you get a D.
The last question, but you managed
to scatter the treasure.
It's
somewhere in here.
13, 12.
Let's see what the 12 was.
Yeah.
Oh, shit.
You could have, yeah, so I guess.
Somewhere on the decision treefurther back because you all skipped

(01:19:21):
over 12 and went to 13 Mm hmm.
So I think you could have got a C or a D.
Y'all got C's so that's preferable
Congratulations, yourgirlfriend is in love with you.
I don't care.
Who knows too bad You need toall do your approach to win.

(01:19:42):
Let's ask her out To
your girlfriend, you're justa boyfriend So, the AI voice doesn't
do it justice, is that, to yourgirlfriend, you're just a boy friend.
So, you three are all in the friend zone.
Fuck.

(01:20:02):
Doesn't matter, she's dead,she got bit by a sea snake.
She could have died,but you sucked out the poison.
If I had let her die, wouldthat have got me an egg?
On this quiz?
Possibly.
The reign of the floozy continues.
Mm
hmm.
Yeah, I think you guys are all gonnahave some come to Jesus talks with

(01:20:23):
significant others later on tonight.
Hypothetical here, babe.
I'm fighting pirates, we'reon a yacht, it's not big.
You got bit by a snake, yes or no?
If you want to be more than that, youshould first show off your manly charm.

(01:20:45):
Yeah, so that's you guys got toshow off your manly charm a little bit
more if you want to get out of the friendzone What by giving her half my treasure?
I don't think so, dude Well, so in thatquestion you guys did that what you chose
was the preferable answer because I thinkSort of the underlying subtext that is
not readily apparent to anyone that hasn'twatched this six times like me is that

(01:21:10):
it's kind of what you guys were saying.
If you're saying let's split it 50 50,it is like, we are not a single unit.
Like I'm going to take 50percent of it and do my shit.
You go over there.
So saying no to that, which all threeof you did was the correct answer.
What's up with this Ren and Stimpylion that's in the air, in the back?

(01:21:31):
That's, no, that's the sublimeson like Dan was talking about.
Okay.
We'll talk about that later.
If you're a man, don't cry.
You're not boyfriend material.
Be bright and humble.
Your manliness is so shallow.
You think anybody took
this and took it seriously?
How many suicides after this?
Is that what we're
doing right now, I thought?

(01:21:53):
Dean, this is the most serious
thing I've everdone in my life, dude.
I'll be forever changed after this.
Yeah, Chris talked about guyswatching this on a subway.
Like, I'm sure countless men just jumpedright in front of the next arriving train.
Yeah, so, I mean, so far, again,the score differential did not change.

(01:22:18):
Kron is ahead by two points,but it's still anyone's game.
Uh, that, that first roundis really looking to be key.
So far, cause that's, that's wherethe point differential comes from.
And, uh, yeah, so this video claimson the packaging that it's a way to
check your level on love and sex.

(01:22:39):
Thus far, the video has focused a loton the love and not so much on the sex.
But it's about to change, withthe next few sections, so,
it could get a little weird.
Now, let's thoroughly check your sex tech,while proceeding through the three steps.
Do so with the intention thatit will culminate in a ram test.

(01:23:00):
A total of points will be issued on thescore sheet, and only those who pass
this test will proceed to the next step.
Now you are alone in the room with her.
What do you do to improve your mood?
A.
Adjust the mood of the roomwith indirect lighting.
B, drink good alcohol to ease her mind.
C, get excited at karaoke.

(01:23:23):
D, forceful physical contact.
Now, which one?
Okay, so you are
The intention of this is you'reanswering these questions,
hoping that it'll lead up to sex.
Uh, the question is that now youare alone in the room with her.
What do you do to improve your mood?
And the answers are just the moodof the room with indirect lighting.

(01:23:45):
Drink good alcohol to ease her mind.
Get excited at karaoke orforceful physical contact.
So, let's go with, uh, Bones,you can answer this one first.
A.
Just the mood of the roomwith indirect lighting.
Dan?

(01:24:07):
Yeah, I think A.
I kind of want to say B, but Ithink A is the correct answer.
Alright.
And Kron?
Yeah,
it's A or B.
You know what?
I'm gonna go B.
What's wrong with making a little,you make a drink for a lady?
I mean, that's, you're stillgetting into the mood at that point.
B.

(01:24:27):
Okay, so Bonesand Dan at A, Cron at B.
Let's find out what the answer is.
Or actually, I think this sectionthe answers are at the end, so.
The mood is getting
exciting.
She is waiting for your action.
Trembling with anticipation and anxiety.
What will you do to your girlfriendwho is waiting for your action?

(01:24:49):
A.
Cover her eyes from behindand grab her shoulders.
B.
Use your momentum and push her down.
C.
Blow into her ears.
God damn!
Ask her what color her underwearis and lift her skirt up.
All right.
So four bad answers, Jesus Christ.

(01:25:10):
Four great answers here.
What the
fuck?
Yeah.
Um, I told you it's going toget, it's going to get personal
these next few questions.
Um, so to reiterate the question.
She is waiting for your action,trembling with anticipation and anxiety.
What will you do to your girlfriendwho is waiting for your action?

(01:25:34):
A.
Cover her eyes from behindand grab her shoulders.
B.
Use your momentum to push her down.
C.
Blow into her ears.
Or D.
Ask her what color her underwearis and lift her skirt up.
And I feel like it'sKron's turn to go first.
I mean, like I said,
this is

(01:25:55):
a four bad answer scenario.
I feel like she looks the happiest in A.
I guess I'm going A.
We can't see
her face in D, so.
D is definitely the wrong answer.
I'm going A.
K.
Dan?
Uh, I'm going C.

(01:26:15):
I guess blow into her ears?
That's, that seems What are youtrying to Clean her wax out?
Uh, this doesn't seem as forceful as the
other ones.
I get, I agree with you, I guess.
I mean, uh, I'll let Bonesanswer before I say anything.
Bones?
Uh, as somebody who's probablyon the spectrum, C will be

(01:26:38):
met with a fucking punch.
Uh, as corny as it is, I got to go A.
Okay.
A seems light and playful, right?
Yeah.
Yeah.
What?
Yeah.
I was going to say.
You do a little like, ooh, you know.
Like a peekaboo.
Yeah.
There's a huge difference between thatand use your momentum to push her down.

(01:26:59):
One seems much moreplayful than the other.
But, we'll have to wait tofind out who's right on that.
She strips down to only herunderwear and sits on the bed.
That's how she feels.
Now it's your turn.
When do you take off your clothes?
She's got a shirt on.

(01:27:19):
It's a negligee.
A.
As she is shyly hiding her body.
B.
When she closes her eyesas she looks up at you.
C.
As she lies down on the bed to lure you.

(01:27:43):
D.
As she playfully gestures
towards you while in bed.
So, question three.
She strips down to only herunderwear, sits on the bed.
When do you take off your clothes?
A, as she is shyly hiding her body, B,when she closes her eyes as she looks
up at you, C, as she lies down on thebed to lure you, or D, as she playfully

(01:28:07):
gestures towards you while in bed.
So Bones, you will get the honorof answering this one first.
Very tricky, um, I'm tornbetween two, I'm gonna go with C.
Right, as she lies down onthe bed to lure you, C for Bones.

(01:28:29):
Uh, Kron.
Uh, I mean, if she's trying to lure me, Ithink she wants me to take my clothes off.
Go and see as well.
All right, so Cfor Kron and Bones, Dan.
You know, let me break away fromthe pack here and go B, cause she's like,

(01:28:52):
I don't When she closesher eyes as she looks up at you.
Yeah, you know, it lookslike she's like, take me.
There's something about A, though,where it's like, she's in her
underwear, but she's hiding.
She wants, you know, she's likenervous until you get on equal footing.
So, those were the two that Iwould, I was between A and C.

(01:29:14):
Probably totally wrong, but.
I thought C and D, cause D she's tryingto, it's like you're standing there
clothed and she's like, come on, like,let me try to be fun, see what happens.
I was between C and B.
Okay.
Alright.
We'll find out, cause it's aboutto show us who's the worst.

(01:29:35):
You've made it to step two.
If you have less than 13points, she won't be interested.
Well, it's.
So for that round, what do you say?
13 is the, yeah, 13 is the key tomove on where you're all going to
move on whether or not you get up13, but I will say one of you did
get 13 and the other two didn't.

(01:29:55):
So congratulations to bones for winningthat round with exactly 13 points.
Kron got 12 and Dan, you got 11.
So it's still a very tight game.
Typical.
All
right.
So, so far in the sex section, there isone of you that has a slight advantage.

(01:30:21):
I've had to get him there,but not, like, performance wise.
Oh,
you just wait, my friend.
Cause he's gonna fail in that end.
Why, why does this haveto be a competition?
Why can't it just be a funnilylittle Little exhibition and have
fun and produce good content.
Why does it have to decidethe next the next decade?

(01:30:44):
I think
it's by the nature of morethan one person participating this
in this and by the video itselfassigning a numerical score.
It's kind of making itself a competition,
but I guess what I'm sayingis why can't this be friendly?
Why does it have to be?
You know what I mean?

(01:31:05):
Like, it doesn't need to be aviolent or aggressive competition.
It could be just a gentleman's game.
It is!
We could have talked
My brothers, wedon't fight each other.
We fight our host here.
Cause you'd think he watched thisand didn't know exactly who he
was fucking getting for this show.
He's like 5DR written all over this.
Yeah, that's fair.

(01:31:25):
Only because of the rich,rich history of The argument about
who's the most handsome, how manypositions you guys respectively know.
At least two.
Objectively,
objectively, I am the least handsome.
I acknowledge the joke.
I'll break the K fabe.
Some of these questions, uh, the answersthemselves, Bones, are aggressive.

(01:31:48):
So.
Yeah.
I think the game itself has a, hasa aggressive attitude about it.
So, uh, for question two, D, was that theone where you looked up her underwear?
Yeah.
That's three points.
That gives you three points.
Yeah.
So you.
Yeah.
That's, I mean, that'sthe second best answer.

(01:32:11):
The best answer is cover her eyes,which is what Bones and Cron said.
Worst answer would be use yourmomentum to push her down and, uh,
one point for flowing into her ears.
I'm not sure I truly understand.
Some of this scoring, cause, I mean,you get zero points when she's playfully

(01:32:34):
gesturing towards you while in bed,but you get five points when she
closes her eyes and looks up at you.
I personally would prefer to makea move while their eyes are open
and they're gesturing towards you,but The quiz disagrees with me, so.
It's almost like we can't trust the
people at Hot Dog Video Magazine.

(01:32:54):
What happened?
How, how, what was themeeting like for this episode?
I think at some pointin this they say that this is
based on answers from women.
I
was thinking
that whenever we were goingthrough this one, actually.
It's like, I wonder if they did kindof like a survey says type thing.

(01:33:15):
Yeah, they use their momentum to pushover a hundred women and question them.
I kind of like that.
Yeah, still a tight game.
I mean, technically, if youguys were playing this alone at
home, do you, Dan and Kron wouldhave to repeat this section.
But like I said, We're all justgonna, it's time for the second half.

(01:33:36):
Move.
Move on.
She's waiting for yourhot fingers and lips.
How will you attack her?
Order actions at 3D according toyour preference, however, you have
to endure it in one place at a time.
Attack A from ear to ear.
B, her breasts,

(01:33:59):
C, genitals, and buttocks.
Her thighs to her toes.
Oh, I know what Nate Hayneswould answer on this one.
Can you please remind me of the question?

(01:34:21):
Yeah, so How do you attack this woman?
Yes,
to Kron's point earlier, thewording of this in itself is aggressive,
so I think maybe you might just bepicking up on the general tone of it.
Um, so, let's see This is, Oh, she iswaiting for your hot fingers and lips.

(01:34:43):
How will you attack her?
And in this question, you,you order it a, B, C, D.
Like you put those in order of whichorder you would go in and ear to
ear B is her breasts, C genitalsand buttocks D her thighs and toes.

(01:35:03):
So I think we started with.
Bones on the last question?
So, I guess we'll start with Dan.
If you want to give yourorder of those four letters.
Uh, yes, Chris.
I would like to answer thisquestion with A, B, D, and then C.

(01:35:24):
A,
B, D, C.
Alright.
Bones?
A, D, B, C.
A Delta Bravo Charlie.
Roger.
Okay.
Kron.
Uh, C C
C C.

(01:35:45):
I knew it was coming.
Uh, actually give me, I mean, I thinkjust based on how the human body
is laid out, I would go A B D C.
A B D C.
All right, let's
find out.
Step 2 is based on theopinions of the girls.
If you answer in an order otherthan this, you get 0 points.

(01:36:06):
If your combined score from Step1 and Step 2 is greater than 18
points, you can move on to Step 3.
Step 2 is based on theopinions of the girls.
Yeah, so, we'll pause iton the actual scoring system.
So, Kron and Dan both did A, B,D, C, which is worth Five points.
Bones, unfortunately, did A,D, B, C, which is not on here.

(01:36:29):
So, five.
So, zero.
Zero.
They would have indicated a zero.
That's fucking bullshit.
Are you answering an orderonly in six, they surveyed?
No, no.
If it's not on there, that meansthey didn't account for it.
No, it specifically says, if you
answer in an order otherthan this, you get zero points.
Wow.

(01:36:49):
Okay.
So All the
women they pulled, they didn't eventhink that was a possibility, Bones.
Like, what's wrong with this guy?
Way more fucking surface area on,on thighs than there are on breasts.
Like, your hands wouldn'talready be there bef Okay.
Yeah, fucking try that shit.
Okay.

(01:37:10):
Alright, I'll take my zero.
Hey, at least you didn't get a negative.
Like there are negativeson the fucking scoring.
Yeah, basically if youstart off with genitals and
buttocks, you get a negative.
All right.
Next question.
You get zero points.
If your combined score from stepone and step two is greater than 18

(01:37:31):
points, you can move on to step three.
Step three.
It's finally time for the insert.
Her breathing is getting heavier.
It seems like she's feeling it,but I want her to feel it more.
So you talk to her without taking a break.
What words will make her wetter?
A.
Ask if she's feeling itand wait for an answer.

(01:37:54):
B.
Am I better than the other guys?
C.
Talk dirty to make her feel embarrassed.
D.
Compliment her.

(01:38:23):
So I think this chick loves me.
I think the words where it's time for theinsert, what words will make her wetter?
A, ask her if she's feelingit and wait for an answer.
B, ask, am I better than the other guys?
C, talk dirty to make her feelembarrassed or D, compliment her.

(01:38:44):
So we will let.
Bones, answer this one first.
D.
So, that answerwas D, Complementer.
Alright.
Dan?
Yeah, I think I'm gonna go with D as well.
And Kron.
Is she into C?

(01:39:05):
Like, does she like that?
Who can say?
I mean, you could, you could saydoes she like being complimented?
It's, it's all at the whimsof who made this quiz.
Alright, I think the safer answer isD, but I'm, I'm real curious about C.
All right, so that's a C for Kron.

(01:39:27):
No, that's a D.
A D for Kron.
So D is across the board.
All right.
Now it's time for the insert.
By the way, what positiondo you start with?
A, from the back.
That's how I did it in Europe.

(01:39:50):
You start that way.
A missionary position.
Waho.
The only one Korra knows.
See?
Lying position.
Oh god.
Ah.
E.

(01:40:11):
D.
I don't think the host likes D, dude.
Watch
out.
Watch
out.
So.
There's not a wrong answer here.
What position doyou start with, Kron?
Alright, you end in A.
I mean, uh,

(01:40:34):
I'm saying you start in B.
Missionary position?
Uh, Dan?
Yeah, you start in B.
A lady who just wants toget it done starts with A.
Yeah, I'm going bee.
Alright.
And bones.

(01:40:57):
Yeah, let's do bees across the board.
All right,
next question.
You're going to die.
She seems to be feeling it too.
You're timing her climax bywatching her expressions.
What should you do?
Hey, hold on until she comes.

(01:41:23):
Watch for body signals.
See?
Keep changing positionsuntil she says she's coming.
D.
Piston movement.
Keep on working out.
I'm sure
she'll be there
soon.

(01:41:44):
Alright, so, you're timing herclimax by watching her expressions.
What should you do, Bones?
Should you A.
Hold on until she comes, B.
Watch for body signals, C.
Keep changing positions untilshe says she's coming, or D.
Piston movement.

(01:42:05):
I do think that, uh, The questionis a problem because it, you're, it
says you're watching, what do you do?
And then B is watch,like, continue watching.
I gotta go B.
Right?
Uh, Dan?
Yeah, as safe as is be here.

(01:42:28):
And Kron.
Guys, I am D.
I am the human piston, butI am going to answer this.
Same as my dudes, B.
I mean, A is a good choice.
I don't That's, that's the tricky part.
It's the same thing.
Yeah.
I'm going B.
All right, so in step three,you guys answered the same

(01:42:48):
on every single question.
I'm not sure the strategy on that,uh, but uh, we'll find out the
score if you got a total of33 points or more in steps.
One, three.
Congratulations.
You have earned a master's degree.
Ah, that's great.
I'm ready to go out with you anytime.
So that's the end of it.

(01:43:10):
I think, uh, to get the master'sdegree, you needed 33 points in
steps one through three, which,uh, I don't think any of you got.
Bones had 28.
Oh, and, uh, Kron had 32.
And Dan had 31.

(01:43:33):
Yeah, cause I got a fucking zero, causesomebody's like, too fucking lazy to
think Event Horizon style, like maybeYou can't go north to south like that,
it's too much of a switch up, dude.
Yeah, you know
This is 89.
You're, you're doing things theyhadn't even conceived of yet.
I'm also, like,

(01:43:53):
a, a big person.
Like, you know what I mean?
Like, it's not a Well, see, that's you
thinking
as yourself.
I'm not 4'10 so it, I gotta, like,fucking shimmy down the sleeping
bag to get down there, you know?
Bullshit.
How did we all answer step three?
We all got 15.
Yeah.
DBB.
Oh, so we, I mean, we aced thissection of the test though.

(01:44:15):
Yeah.
Well, that's the thingis like one person was ahead.
If you're all answering the same,that person is going to remain ahead.
Yeah.
Because that was the last, last section.
What are you saying?
Are you saying I won?
Unfortunately, the thingwe all feared has happened.

(01:44:36):
Well, Kron did win.
I think the thing we all knew was
gonna happen when we enteredthis contest has happened.
I'm just, I'm justgonna have to watch.
I
mean besides that confusingpirate it's so fucking hard to

(01:44:58):
not get real and personal Do it no
Fucking lost it on liketranslation bullshit What
were you gonna say?
I mean, I just think besides that can veryconfusing pirate segment of the show I
think I'm a hundred percent on this thing.

(01:45:21):
Yep.
You're amazing
No, you're not a hundred percentin the first section of sex tech
bones outscored you well That's justgetting them in the room, dude I mean
didn't he get a zero in step two though?
He did but I think what really decidedit was the final round of everyone

(01:45:45):
answering the same which led to a verytight score spread but Going into it,
Dan and Bones didn't have a chance ifthey, they answered the same as you.
Yeah, I think he, he wouldhave had to answer wrong.
He did because the maximumscore on this, well, I guess

(01:46:06):
it was 15 and you all got 15.
So yeah, he would havehad perfect for all.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I think that's kind of even,I think that's the takeaway.
Once you get them in the room,we're all perfect from there.
I can't, I may have been having troublelike remembering which one I got wrong.
Like that's how confused I was.

(01:46:28):
It was the onethat was like the order.
How do you attack her?
Oh, that one, I, Zero, whatever.
I'm talking about like the first one, likethe first one that I got wrong, right?
What I got, I got partial points.
Oh God.
Cause like the
zero is funny that I wentcompletely out of the order.

(01:46:50):
It, the, the one that I got partial,I'm like, that's the one that.
Is irritating because it's a,
I knew I should have
answered
yes to the piston question.
We
got you one point, I think.
Yeah, technicallyit would have gotten
zero.
Oh, is that the last one?

(01:47:11):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Hey, better than negative one, dude.
I mean, it doesn't matter.
You know what?
It wasn't a complete blowout.
We all already knew Cron's prowess.
Mm hmm.
We're all intimidated by him.
You know, the ultimatetest, Cron, is come on over,

(01:47:31):
dude, see if you can seduce me.
Good point.
Dude, I'd just
turn the lights down alittle, give you a drink.
You're off to a goodstart, I'll say that much.
I think it'd be pretty easy from there.
Don't do karaoke, because apparentlythat was the only negative one.
Yeah, that's worse than lifting a
woman's skirt up.
Yep.
Looking at her undies.
I thought they loved karaoke.

(01:47:52):
I know.
You've never seen me do Kiss From A Rose.
You do a mean fuckin Simple Man.
She will tell me the color of her panties.
Mm hmm.
As soon as the song's done.
That's a two for one.
Aw, dude.
Song's over.
My first ba da da's,she's head over heels.
Ah!
Ah!

(01:48:13):
Yep.
She's begging me for toattack her legs, thighs, ass.
She's wet.
Like I said, in any order
I see that there'sstill some to be played.
There is because as I said,this is a, a men's fashion magazine.
After it asks you, after thisteaches you how to fuck it, teaches

(01:48:36):
you how to dress, let's goup
switches mode.
Chūkagai, Shimokitazawa, and Harajuku.
Actually, you look like
Johnny Depp.
They all look
like versions of

(01:48:57):
Johnny Depp in this, dude.
Yeah, so this iswhat the rest of it is like.
Just showing you different styles thatare popular in different Prefectures
of Japan, and how to dress that way.
That's pretty swish.

(01:49:19):
Wouldn't you want to put thisbefore all the sex stuff?
No, this is perfect
refractory period material.
Yeah,
how many tissues were tossedin a toilet while this was
left playing in another room?
I already busted,
so yeah.
What kind of belt should I wear?

(01:49:45):
Oh, that reminds me, Ineed to loosen this belt.
It's around my neck.
Nothing looks cooler thana leather jacket I choose.
Is he wearing a WWE belt around his ass?
Yeah, so I mean, if youguys want to know how to dress,

(01:50:06):
1989 punk in Japan, this is the
video from you,
of course.
Crazy RA Stick.
Chris, how
many of these items ofclothing have you ordered?
I
can't find them.

(01:50:27):
Gen Z is all about vintage.
They're just buying this shit atGoodwill and reselling it for 150.
Fucking Brian Setzer right here.
Is that the
front or the back?
One,
two, three, four!
Venomous!

(01:50:48):
So yes, this short display ofhow this was meant to be watched
on auto portable Video 8 player.
Spawns!
How many musics?
How many volumes?
Business!
Do
you have
one through ten?
I only have this one.
I did actually just order another one,but I don't remember which volume it was.

(01:51:15):
Are they all, uh, likeattacking women related?
No, unfortunately, or fortunately,depending on who you are,
you see which volume this was.
So the other one I got is volume eight.
So for now, we only know of 11volumes and the next one is called

(01:51:38):
Marine Resort Maximum Use Bible.
Well, if any of you guys have strongopinions on how to maximally use a
marine resort, I'd love to have youback on for Hot Dog Press Volume 8.
Yeah,
Cron'll win that one too.
I'm trying to win all the hot dog
contests, so I mean, we didcover Thunder in Paradise, so we

(01:52:01):
kind of know what goes on at resorts.
Mm hmm.
Yeah, well normally at this pointin the show is where we'd all play
a fun game together, but we justdid that So I'll just ask you guys.
How did you like checkingyour levels on love and sex?
I think this
confirmed what I already knew coming in.

(01:52:23):
So I'm all for it.
This is you know I didn't study, didn'tthink about it once, so just came in
being me, knowing how to attack, youknow, that's really what it comes down to.
Yeah, there's a lot of great lessonswith this, Chris, thank you very much.
Start missionary and doggy, you know,start at the top and work your way

(01:52:48):
down and then into the middle, so.
Thank you.
I would definitely use this in the future.
Wow.
Bones, any thoughts?
This was a no win scenario for me.
I mean,
it's fine.
If you won, it would have been a win
scenario.
No, it wouldn't have.

(01:53:09):
Why not?
That's not, that's not how it works.
I would have said
they colluded.
Bones was on an earlierepisode, he got all the answers.
Hey, but you're the onlyone that ever asked for him.
I would have cut thatvictory at the knees, dude.
Also, I'll point out, itonly asked how to start.
It didn't ask how to finish.

(01:53:30):
And I wish that that would havebeen an ordered question as well.
Because I think there's a lot ofdeviation in an argument to be made.
About position order.
Yeah, but then you run the riskof doing it in some order no one's
ever heard of and you're yelling at a30, 40 year old videotape again, so.

(01:53:50):
Well, that's just.
Ending up with a negative one.
That assumes that I get everything wrong.
Again, uh, I remember that that one ladysaid, uh, you know, my, my blue type, that
they liked guys that were open minded.
So.
Oh well.
That's true.
Yeah.
Yeah, fuck you, Cron.

(01:54:13):
I mean, I think on at least our next dozenrecords I'll bring it up, so You can't.
All those episodes willbe out before this.
Oh, yeah.
Burn.
I'll
time out our records to lineup with the release of this episode.
I don't think you control that.
Alright, season four,I'm bringing this up.

(01:54:39):
Well, the whole point was to not have tobring it up anymore, to lay this issue to
rest, That's all season 1 through 2 stuff.
You guys don't need totalk about it anymore.
Still talk about puppets though.
We like that.
It'll be convenient that Ican just link this episode via
QR code on my suicide note.

(01:55:02):
Well That was hot dog video volume11 check your level on love and sex from
1989 thank you guys for coming on andbreathing life into this dead format
with me and Once again, just tell thefine folks out there where they can find
you and anything you've got in the works
Hey, we're five DaveReynolds like Kron said earlier.

(01:55:24):
We do categories Look by the time youhear this will be in season three.
So No telling what we're doing.
We, we kind of just figured outwhat we're doing for season three.
So, uh, check us out.
We're on all formats of socialmedia and wherever you get
podcasts and shit like that.

(01:55:44):
We got a discord.
Join that if you want to fuck with us.
It's on a link to everyepisode, on every episode.
Yeah, just check out five day rentals.
We're there.
Chris is a wonderful guestand a supporter of the show.
So thank you very much, Chris,for all that you do time.
Your Texas chainsaw massacreopening was wonderful, by the way.

(01:56:06):
Thank you.
But yeah, check us out.
We're there.
We're still doing it.
We're fucking 50 years old and threedudes that shouldn't be talking
about movies, but we still do it all.
So yeah, on behalf of bones,Cronin, Dan, I'm Chris, and this has
been another episode of dead formats.

(01:56:27):
So thanks, man.
If you have any questions about the show,or if you have a dead format topic that
you'd like to hear me cover, or if youhave any suggestions for potential guests.
Please reach out.
You can email me atdeadformatspod at gmail.
com or you can reach out to meon Instagram at deadformatspod.

(01:56:47):
Thanks for listening.

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