Learning to Live Again

As Kemiyah adjusts to life with a VAD, the emotional weight begins to set in. From physical exhaustion to anger and fear, she battles through each day while trying to hold on to hope. Amid setbacks, personal losses, and a rejected heart offer, her resilience is tested—but deep down, she knows something better is coming.

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Adjusting to life with a VAD wasn’t just hard—it was overwhelming.

(00:04):
I had tubes in my chest,limits on what I could eat or drink,
and a machine that was literally keeping me alive.
I couldn’t go anywhere without it.
I was tired all the time.
After each round of therapy or walking practice, I’d crash into sleep.
I was physically and emotionally drained.
And I was angry.

(00:25):
I threw things.
I lashed out.
I didn’t know how to process what was happening to me.
I didn’t want to talk about it.
I didn’t want therapy.
I wanted it all to be over.
But slowly, the anger began to fade.
Not disappear—just fade.
I started to adjust.
I began painting and drawing, using creativity to escape the fear.

(00:47):
Because no matter how strong I looked,I was scared—scared that the device could fail at any time,
scared of what the future might look like.
Then came the first heart offer.
It should’ve felt like a miracle… but I was terrified.
My heart was racing.
I didn’t want surgery.
I didn’t want to go through it again.

(01:08):
I didn’t feel ready.
But it turned out the heart wasn’t a match—it was too big.
I was relieved but also confused.
Would I ever find the right one?
Meanwhile, everything outside the hospital was falling apart.
We were losing our home.
We lost our cat, too.
That broke me.
It felt like one more thing being taken from me while I was already hanging on by a thread.

(01:31):
But somehow… through all the chaos, the pain, and the uncertainty—I kept going.
Waiting.
Hoping.
Then came the second call.
This time… it was a perfect match.