September 4, 2025 • 23 mins
In this episode of Exposing Workplace Bullying, Dr. Jan Kircher explores what bullying really looks like at work — and how it’s often far more subtle, calculated, and damaging than people realize. She shares the criteria she’s developed to help you recognize it, along with her own personal experiences of navigating an abusive workplace. If you’ve ever wondered, “Is this just a bad job, or is it bullying?” — this episode will help you see the difference.
For more resources and real talk on dealing with workplace abuse, visit StopBullyCulture.com and share this episode with someone who might need it.
Resources: • StopBullyCulture.com for tools and support • Follow Dr. Jan Kircher for updates and stories
⚠️ Trigger Warning: Includes discussion of emotional abuse, institutional betrayal, and grief.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:01):
Welcome to Exposing Workplace Bullying,where we pull back the curtain and have
real conversations about workplace abuse.
I'm your host, Dr. Jan Kircher.
This is episode two.
Is this really bullying?
(00:29):
You walk into work witha knot in your stomach.
You have already rehearsed whatyou'll say if you're cornered.
You scan the room looking left andthen, right, wondering if today is
the day they'll go after you, or maybeyou'll get a rare moment of peace.
(00:59):
Your shoulders are so tight, your breathis shallow because every sound, every
glare, every whisper feels loaded.
You can't relax.
Not even for a second.
It's just too risky.
(01:23):
That's what this episode is about.
Being in it day after day and finallyrealizing this isn't just a bad
workplace or a bad boss, it's bullying.
It's an abusive workplace.
(01:45):
We have been fed this ideathat bullying is loud, obvious.
You can spot it from across the room.
That's just wrong and couldn'tbe further from the truth.
Most of the time, workplace bullying isquiet, calculated, and it is easy to miss.
(02:11):
In the beginning, it might bea single comment in a meeting.
Your colleagues rollingtheir eyes when you talk.
You are presenting an idea and someonecuts in with, wow, that's interesting.
People chuckle.
You smile like it's nothingbut inside your stomach flips.
(02:36):
Your face feels hot.
You tell yourself to stay calm,but you just can't shake it.
Other times it's more blatant.
Your boss belittling you in frontof everyone or gaslighting you,
telling you what you saw withyour own eyes did not happen.
(03:03):
That's when you startquestioning yourself.
You feel that not in your stomach tighten.
Something's off, butyou're just not sure what.
You test the waters with a colleagueasking if they've noticed anything.
They shrug, glance away,or even change the subject.
(03:27):
You begin to wonder what isit no one wants to talk about?
Is it that they've seen it too, or arethey too afraid to say it out loud?
Why does it suddenly feel like youare the only one standing out in
(03:49):
the open while everyone else hides?
The truth is no two people experienceworkplace abuse in the exact same way.
It shows up differently for everyone, butthere's one question I hear all the time.
(04:11):
How do you know if you're being bullied?
It's not like finding out you're diabetic.
There's no test, no clear result.
No single moment when someone hands youa piece of paper saying, yes, you're
definitely being bullied at work.
(04:32):
It's not that simple.
Years ago, I put together my owncriteria to help people tell if
they are being bullied at work.
I revisited the research for this episodeto see if mental health and healthcare
fields now agree upon a universal set.
(04:54):
They don't.
So here are the signs I rely on groundedin research and lived experiences.
As I walk you through the criteriaif most of them hit close to
home, there's a good chance you'redealing with workplace bullying.
(05:18):
Here's the first one.
This isn't a one off bad day.
It's behavior that repeats over and over.
It's persistent.
It's not just one email from your boss.
It's emails, comments, andother behaviors piling on, and
(05:41):
it's not once every few months.
It's showing up regularly at yourworkplace, week after week, sometimes
every single day, multiple times a day.
It has also been going on for months.
Many experts use about three months as abenchmark for persistence, but in reality,
(06:08):
most bullying lasts much, much longer.
And your workplace is affecting youboth personally and professionally.
At home, you might be sleeping moreor less, eating more or less feeling
anxious or depressed, maybe evendeveloping physical symptoms like ulcers.
(06:33):
It also changed how you work.
You've adjusted your habits orbehaviors because of the bullying.
Something else to think aboutis what's happened to you when
you've tried to deal with it?
Have you reported itor tried to resolve it?
(06:54):
Did it help or did itactually make things worse?
And you got bullied more aftertrying to get it to stop.
Another clear sign is when the group'sbehavior is off at your workplace.
(07:16):
The group dynamic and yourcolleagues, whether through silent
participation or dismissal, makesthe bullying against you worse.
It's become normalized and this behaviorhelps cover it up and protect the bully.
You might wanna hit pause andgive yourself a minute to think
(07:39):
about these criteria and whetherthey're happening to you at work.
I know it's a hard pill to swallow,realizing your colleagues are
abusing you, but don't believe fora second that you've caused this.
You haven't.
You're being bullied because there'sa bully in your workplace and an
(08:03):
organization allowing it to happen.
Now that you know what workplacebullying can look like, let's
talk about what it feels like whenyou're living it day after day.
I want you to know whatyou're going to hear.
(08:24):
It's not unique.
I've heard stories like thisfrom so many different people,
different workplaces, differentindustries, all across the globe.
The details change, butthe pattern is the same.
What I'm about to share might soundlike just one bad workplace, but it's
(08:49):
happening to millions of people right now,and it might even be happening to you.
Here's what it lookedlike and felt like for me.
I would wait until thevery last minute to get up.
(09:14):
Lying there with a heavy knot inmy stomach, dreading the day ahead.
I always made my coffee the night before.
Something to clinging to the onesmall comfort I knew was waiting That
first hot cup in the morning feltlike the only gentle part of my day.
(09:35):
A fleeting, calm beforewalking back into the storm.
Then I would wake my son up,get him breakfast, and I'd hop
in the shower and get dressed.
After he ate, I'd drop him offat school and head to work.
Music kept me going.
(09:56):
Songs that made me feel strong.
I played them on repeat,like an armor I could put on.
Oftentimes it was.
I won't back down by Tom Petty.
I'd imagine myself as a warriorwith armor and a strong shield.
I'd give myself the usual pep talk as Iwas walking from my car to the building.
(10:20):
I can do this.
It's not that bad.
I'm strong.
I won't back down.
Even as my heart pounded,I kept moving forward.
I always took the long way inslipping up the back stairs, trying
(10:40):
to avoid running into anyone.
I would keep my office door cracked,just enough to seem open, just enough
to keep up appearances, but neverenough to actually invite someone in.
If I passed colleagues in thehallway, I'd force a polite, hello.
(11:03):
Most of the time theydidn't bother to respond.
More than once I'd catch someonespotting me and then turning around
deliberately walking the other way.
It felt like I carried the invisiblecontagion, like I had the plague.
The cyber bullying for me was relentless.
(11:25):
Every time I opened my emailthere, it was another jab.
Another, put down another attack.
It wasn't just one person, eitheremails were CC'd and BCC'd to others.
Making sure everyone could see theinsults then piling on became the routine.
(11:49):
Each new message, likeanother shove in the hallway.
Sometimes it crossed theline into outright threats.
One time a fixed term faculty membertold me she was going to report me to
the police for unprofessional behavior.
This came in the sameemail where she berated me.
(12:13):
Apparently that counted as professional,but if I had set anything back that
would have been crossing the line.
That's workplace bullying in action.
The old double standard.
To this day when I hear theding of my email notification,
(12:33):
it can still make the hair onthe back of my neck stand up.
Yeah, much of what they did was verysubtle and covert, and I'm sure, I
don't know everything they did, butthey did a lot of things like excluding
me from emails so I wouldn't havethe information I needed to do my job
(12:55):
or sending one version of a messageand then telling me, no, not that
way, only to change it again later.
Other actions were blatant.
They denied me classes andsummer courses, knowing I was a
single mom and needed the income.
Sometimes they would even make thingsup just so I couldn't teach a class.
(13:19):
I'd go to the union, and every nowand then it worked, but most of the
time they just got away with it.
I've had my performance evaluationsused against me more than once,
and I had a chair once who openlytold people she was gonna get me.
Now she did eventually, butwe'll talk about that later.
(13:43):
She lied about me constantly.
She accused me of being soloud in a meeting that a
colleague had an asthma attack.
Later that colleague sent an email sayingit was actually a perfume allergy, but
by then the damage was done and thechair didn't care if the lie was true.
(14:08):
She did those things to hurt and harm me.
They were done on purpose.
My computer monitor broke once.
The chair told me there was no budgetto replace it, but if you were in with
the bully, you got a new computer.
But I was on the shit list,so I didn't get a monitor.
(14:32):
I can remember just being so angry thatI wasn't going to get a monitor, which
I needed to do my job, but I guessin retrospect, that was the point.
I eventually talked to thetech people who provided me
with not one, but two monitors.
(14:54):
I can just remember feeling so happythat I kind of got one over on the bully
because they didn't wanna provide me withthe monitor, but I ended up with two.
Meetings were so chaotic, yelling andscreaming, and name calling and crying.
(15:15):
I used to have so much anxiety andtension going to faculty meetings.
There was no pretense of professionalismthat had gone decades ago, and it
didn't matter who was in the room.
People just let it rip.
It was at that point in one meetingwhere I realized that bullying was
(15:40):
normalized and bullying was expected, andthat's exactly what workplace bullying
is about, is when your workplace hasshot professionalism out the door and
bullying is your new workplace standard.
Two weeks after I started one job, Iwent and reported what was happening
(16:04):
to the associate dean who toldme when things get bad, Jan, just
pull out your phone and play games.
That was his way of saying, I know it'shappening, but you're on your own sister.
I experienced all different typesof workplace bullying, from subtle
(16:27):
to overt, to covert all of it.
Every day felt like walkinginto a minefield, never knowing
what might explode in my face.
But nothing rattled me more than whathappened during one faculty meeting.
One of the bullies jumped up andcharged around the table at me.
(16:50):
I was terrified.
Just as quickly as it started.
She caught herself and sat back down, butI was scared and my heart was pumping.
What just happened?
I looked around at mycolleagues, every one of them
(17:14):
was looking down at their phone.
They took the associate dean'sadvice, but not one person spoke
up or acted like having a colleaguecharge around the table was a problem.
As soon as that meeting was over, Ireported it to my dean, who within seconds
(17:40):
of my sending the email, kicked it over tohr. My dean wasn't having any part of it.
No one wanted to get involved.
The report went nowhere becauseeverybody else claimed it never happened.
I looked like a liar.
(18:03):
Months later, HR finally gotaround to call me in, but not to
hear my story, to tell me theywanted me to wipe the slate clean.
Wipe the slate clean.
I said, are you kidding me?
I'm the one who's being abused.
(18:25):
I'm gonna keep reporting this untilyou finally take me seriously.
Well, I think we know that never happened.
You know, I always leftwork the same way I came in.
(18:45):
Out the back sneaking, trying not tobe noticed, but it never left my mind.
I think back now and I realizedI was obsessed with wanting it to
stop for someone to acknowledge,to say they believed me.
(19:06):
Just to have one normalnon-abusive day at work.
That didn't happen until I left Academics.
Being bullied is humiliating.
It's embarrassing to have your colleaguescall you names behind your back or
exclude you like you don't exist.
(19:27):
Even though I knew deep down in myheart, I hadn't done anything to
deserve it, it was still painfuland shameful to be treated that
way every day in front of others.
Back then, I drank a lotevery night, in fact.
(19:50):
It was the only way I knew to dull thepain and to stop thinking about work.
I was so worn down, so hopeless thatevery night I prayed God would bring
me home and let me die so I wouldn'thave to go back into work tomorrow.
(20:17):
That's how bad it was.
And yet, every morning I forcedmyself to get up and walk back in.
That was a day in my life when Iwas experiencing workplace bullying.
And you know the reality, I became immuneto many of those things that happened
(20:41):
to me being abused, being called names,having my resources taken away from me,
not having enough to do my job, beinglied about and gossiped about and gaslit.
Being abused at work, itbecame everyday work for me.
It was a normal part of my work day.
(21:08):
My story isn't unique.
I've heard hundreds ofothers, heartbreaking stories,
some much worse than mine.
Supervisors throwing staplersand office equipment.
People blocking thedoorway so you can't leave.
Changing time sheets tomess with someone's pay.
(21:31):
And others so afraid of beingattacked they won't use the
restroom in their work building.
Workplace bullying can besubtle or it can be violent.
Either way, the damage is real.
(21:51):
And while we can't erase it, we cantalk about how to lessen its toll,
and that's where we're headed next.
Thank you for being here.
Thank you for listening, andif this episode hit home, check
out stop bully culture.com.
(22:12):
That's where I share tools,resources, and real talk to help
you deal with workplace abuse.
And if you know someone who mightneed to hear this, share it with them.
Until next time.
Welcome to Exposing Workplace Bullying,where we pull back the curtain and have
real conversations about workplace abuse.
I'm your host, Dr. Jan Kircher.
This is episode two.
Is this really bullying?
(00:29):
You walk into work witha knot in your stomach.
You have already rehearsed whatyou'll say if you're cornered.
You scan the room looking left andthen, right, wondering if today is
the day they'll go after you, or maybeyou'll get a rare moment of peace.
(00:59):
Your shoulders are so tight, your breathis shallow because every sound, every
glare, every whisper feels loaded.
You can't relax.
Not even for a second.
It's just too risky.
(01:23):
That's what this episode is about.
Being in it day after day and finallyrealizing this isn't just a bad
workplace or a bad boss, it's bullying.
It's an abusive workplace.
(01:45):
We have been fed this ideathat bullying is loud, obvious.
You can spot it from across the room.
That's just wrong and couldn'tbe further from the truth.
Most of the time, workplace bullying isquiet, calculated, and it is easy to miss.
(02:11):
In the beginning, it might bea single comment in a meeting.
Your colleagues rollingtheir eyes when you talk.
You are presenting an idea and someonecuts in with, wow, that's interesting.
People chuckle.
You smile like it's nothingbut inside your stomach flips.
(02:36):
Your face feels hot.
You tell yourself to stay calm,but you just can't shake it.
Other times it's more blatant.
Your boss belittling you in frontof everyone or gaslighting you,
telling you what you saw withyour own eyes did not happen.
(03:03):
That's when you startquestioning yourself.
You feel that not in your stomach tighten.
Something's off, butyou're just not sure what.
You test the waters with a colleagueasking if they've noticed anything.
They shrug, glance away,or even change the subject.
(03:27):
You begin to wonder what isit no one wants to talk about?
Is it that they've seen it too, or arethey too afraid to say it out loud?
Why does it suddenly feel like youare the only one standing out in
(03:49):
the open while everyone else hides?
The truth is no two people experienceworkplace abuse in the exact same way.
It shows up differently for everyone, butthere's one question I hear all the time.
(04:11):
How do you know if you're being bullied?
It's not like finding out you're diabetic.
There's no test, no clear result.
No single moment when someone hands youa piece of paper saying, yes, you're
definitely being bullied at work.
(04:32):
It's not that simple.
Years ago, I put together my owncriteria to help people tell if
they are being bullied at work.
I revisited the research for this episodeto see if mental health and healthcare
fields now agree upon a universal set.
(04:54):
They don't.
So here are the signs I rely on groundedin research and lived experiences.
As I walk you through the criteriaif most of them hit close to
home, there's a good chance you'redealing with workplace bullying.
(05:18):
Here's the first one.
This isn't a one off bad day.
It's behavior that repeats over and over.
It's persistent.
It's not just one email from your boss.
It's emails, comments, andother behaviors piling on, and
(05:41):
it's not once every few months.
It's showing up regularly at yourworkplace, week after week, sometimes
every single day, multiple times a day.
It has also been going on for months.
Many experts use about three months as abenchmark for persistence, but in reality,
(06:08):
most bullying lasts much, much longer.
And your workplace is affecting youboth personally and professionally.
At home, you might be sleeping moreor less, eating more or less feeling
anxious or depressed, maybe evendeveloping physical symptoms like ulcers.
(06:33):
It also changed how you work.
You've adjusted your habits orbehaviors because of the bullying.
Something else to think aboutis what's happened to you when
you've tried to deal with it?
Have you reported itor tried to resolve it?
(06:54):
Did it help or did itactually make things worse?
And you got bullied more aftertrying to get it to stop.
Another clear sign is when the group'sbehavior is off at your workplace.
(07:16):
The group dynamic and yourcolleagues, whether through silent
participation or dismissal, makesthe bullying against you worse.
It's become normalized and this behaviorhelps cover it up and protect the bully.
You might wanna hit pause andgive yourself a minute to think
(07:39):
about these criteria and whetherthey're happening to you at work.
I know it's a hard pill to swallow,realizing your colleagues are
abusing you, but don't believe fora second that you've caused this.
You haven't.
You're being bullied because there'sa bully in your workplace and an
(08:03):
organization allowing it to happen.
Now that you know what workplacebullying can look like, let's
talk about what it feels like whenyou're living it day after day.
I want you to know whatyou're going to hear.
(08:24):
It's not unique.
I've heard stories like thisfrom so many different people,
different workplaces, differentindustries, all across the globe.
The details change, butthe pattern is the same.
What I'm about to share might soundlike just one bad workplace, but it's
(08:49):
happening to millions of people right now,and it might even be happening to you.
Here's what it lookedlike and felt like for me.
I would wait until thevery last minute to get up.
(09:14):
Lying there with a heavy knot inmy stomach, dreading the day ahead.
I always made my coffee the night before.
Something to clinging to the onesmall comfort I knew was waiting That
first hot cup in the morning feltlike the only gentle part of my day.
(09:35):
A fleeting, calm beforewalking back into the storm.
Then I would wake my son up,get him breakfast, and I'd hop
in the shower and get dressed.
After he ate, I'd drop him offat school and head to work.
Music kept me going.
(09:56):
Songs that made me feel strong.
I played them on repeat,like an armor I could put on.
Oftentimes it was.
I won't back down by Tom Petty.
I'd imagine myself as a warriorwith armor and a strong shield.
I'd give myself the usual pep talk as Iwas walking from my car to the building.
(10:20):
I can do this.
It's not that bad.
I'm strong.
I won't back down.
Even as my heart pounded,I kept moving forward.
I always took the long way inslipping up the back stairs, trying
(10:40):
to avoid running into anyone.
I would keep my office door cracked,just enough to seem open, just enough
to keep up appearances, but neverenough to actually invite someone in.
If I passed colleagues in thehallway, I'd force a polite, hello.
(11:03):
Most of the time theydidn't bother to respond.
More than once I'd catch someonespotting me and then turning around
deliberately walking the other way.
It felt like I carried the invisiblecontagion, like I had the plague.
The cyber bullying for me was relentless.
(11:25):
Every time I opened my emailthere, it was another jab.
Another, put down another attack.
It wasn't just one person, eitheremails were CC'd and BCC'd to others.
Making sure everyone could see theinsults then piling on became the routine.
(11:49):
Each new message, likeanother shove in the hallway.
Sometimes it crossed theline into outright threats.
One time a fixed term faculty membertold me she was going to report me to
the police for unprofessional behavior.
This came in the sameemail where she berated me.
(12:13):
Apparently that counted as professional,but if I had set anything back that
would have been crossing the line.
That's workplace bullying in action.
The old double standard.
To this day when I hear theding of my email notification,
(12:33):
it can still make the hair onthe back of my neck stand up.
Yeah, much of what they did was verysubtle and covert, and I'm sure, I
don't know everything they did, butthey did a lot of things like excluding
me from emails so I wouldn't havethe information I needed to do my job
(12:55):
or sending one version of a messageand then telling me, no, not that
way, only to change it again later.
Other actions were blatant.
They denied me classes andsummer courses, knowing I was a
single mom and needed the income.
Sometimes they would even make thingsup just so I couldn't teach a class.
(13:19):
I'd go to the union, and every nowand then it worked, but most of the
time they just got away with it.
I've had my performance evaluationsused against me more than once,
and I had a chair once who openlytold people she was gonna get me.
Now she did eventually, butwe'll talk about that later.
(13:43):
She lied about me constantly.
She accused me of being soloud in a meeting that a
colleague had an asthma attack.
Later that colleague sent an email sayingit was actually a perfume allergy, but
by then the damage was done and thechair didn't care if the lie was true.
(14:08):
She did those things to hurt and harm me.
They were done on purpose.
My computer monitor broke once.
The chair told me there was no budgetto replace it, but if you were in with
the bully, you got a new computer.
But I was on the shit list,so I didn't get a monitor.
(14:32):
I can remember just being so angry thatI wasn't going to get a monitor, which
I needed to do my job, but I guessin retrospect, that was the point.
I eventually talked to thetech people who provided me
with not one, but two monitors.
(14:54):
I can just remember feeling so happythat I kind of got one over on the bully
because they didn't wanna provide me withthe monitor, but I ended up with two.
Meetings were so chaotic, yelling andscreaming, and name calling and crying.
(15:15):
I used to have so much anxiety andtension going to faculty meetings.
There was no pretense of professionalismthat had gone decades ago, and it
didn't matter who was in the room.
People just let it rip.
It was at that point in one meetingwhere I realized that bullying was
(15:40):
normalized and bullying was expected, andthat's exactly what workplace bullying
is about, is when your workplace hasshot professionalism out the door and
bullying is your new workplace standard.
Two weeks after I started one job, Iwent and reported what was happening
(16:04):
to the associate dean who toldme when things get bad, Jan, just
pull out your phone and play games.
That was his way of saying, I know it'shappening, but you're on your own sister.
I experienced all different typesof workplace bullying, from subtle
(16:27):
to overt, to covert all of it.
Every day felt like walkinginto a minefield, never knowing
what might explode in my face.
But nothing rattled me more than whathappened during one faculty meeting.
One of the bullies jumped up andcharged around the table at me.
(16:50):
I was terrified.
Just as quickly as it started.
She caught herself and sat back down, butI was scared and my heart was pumping.
What just happened?
I looked around at mycolleagues, every one of them
(17:14):
was looking down at their phone.
They took the associate dean'sadvice, but not one person spoke
up or acted like having a colleaguecharge around the table was a problem.
As soon as that meeting was over, Ireported it to my dean, who within seconds
(17:40):
of my sending the email, kicked it over tohr. My dean wasn't having any part of it.
No one wanted to get involved.
The report went nowhere becauseeverybody else claimed it never happened.
I looked like a liar.
(18:03):
Months later, HR finally gotaround to call me in, but not to
hear my story, to tell me theywanted me to wipe the slate clean.
Wipe the slate clean.
I said, are you kidding me?
I'm the one who's being abused.
(18:25):
I'm gonna keep reporting this untilyou finally take me seriously.
Well, I think we know that never happened.
You know, I always leftwork the same way I came in.
(18:45):
Out the back sneaking, trying not tobe noticed, but it never left my mind.
I think back now and I realizedI was obsessed with wanting it to
stop for someone to acknowledge,to say they believed me.
(19:06):
Just to have one normalnon-abusive day at work.
That didn't happen until I left Academics.
Being bullied is humiliating.
It's embarrassing to have your colleaguescall you names behind your back or
exclude you like you don't exist.
(19:27):
Even though I knew deep down in myheart, I hadn't done anything to
deserve it, it was still painfuland shameful to be treated that
way every day in front of others.
Back then, I drank a lotevery night, in fact.
(19:50):
It was the only way I knew to dull thepain and to stop thinking about work.
I was so worn down, so hopeless thatevery night I prayed God would bring
me home and let me die so I wouldn'thave to go back into work tomorrow.
(20:17):
That's how bad it was.
And yet, every morning I forcedmyself to get up and walk back in.
That was a day in my life when Iwas experiencing workplace bullying.
And you know the reality, I became immuneto many of those things that happened
(20:41):
to me being abused, being called names,having my resources taken away from me,
not having enough to do my job, beinglied about and gossiped about and gaslit.
Being abused at work, itbecame everyday work for me.
It was a normal part of my work day.
(21:08):
My story isn't unique.
I've heard hundreds ofothers, heartbreaking stories,
some much worse than mine.
Supervisors throwing staplersand office equipment.
People blocking thedoorway so you can't leave.
Changing time sheets tomess with someone's pay.
(21:31):
And others so afraid of beingattacked they won't use the
restroom in their work building.
Workplace bullying can besubtle or it can be violent.
Either way, the damage is real.
(21:51):
And while we can't erase it, we cantalk about how to lessen its toll,
and that's where we're headed next.
Thank you for being here.
Thank you for listening, andif this episode hit home, check
out stop bully culture.com.
(22:12):
That's where I share tools,resources, and real talk to help
you deal with workplace abuse.
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Until next time.
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