August 19, 2025 • 11 mins
Workplace bullying isn’t just “stress at work.” It’s trauma that seeps into every part of your life — your health, your confidence, and your sense of self. In this episode, Dr. Jan Kircher unpacks the three layers of trauma that make bullying so devastating: the direct abuse, the silence of bystanders, and the betrayal of broken systems.
You’ll also learn practical ways to protect yourself in the middle of it — from mindset shifts to everyday self-care rituals that help you reclaim dignity and peace. Because you are not powerless. You never were. You are powerful.
Resources: • StopBullyCulture.com for tools and support • Follow Dr. Jan Kircher for updates and stories
⚠️ Trigger Warning: Includes discussion of emotional abuse, institutional betrayal, and grief.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:01):
Welcome to Exposing Workplace Bullying,where we pull back the curtain and have
real conversations about workplace abuse.
I'm your host, Dr. Jan Kircher.
This is episode three, lesseningthe Toll of Workplace Bullying.
(00:22):
Today we're talking about the real cost,not the missed deadlines, but the real
cost to you, to your body, to your mind,and your very sense of who you are.
Abuse at work is a slow,deliberate erosion.
(00:44):
It's being systematicallyhumiliated in front of your peers.
It's watching your projects bequietly reassigned, your contributions
erased or stolen by someone else.
It's the calculated silence fromcolleagues who suddenly look away.
(01:06):
Individually, you could explain any ofthese away a bad day, a misunderstanding.
But together they form a sustainedcampaign with one clear purpose to
make you doubt your own worth, yourown memory, and your own reality
(01:27):
personally and professionally,together they are workplace abuse.
And just like all abuse, itcauses deep lasting trauma.
It doesn't stay at your desk or at work.
It follows you home.
(01:48):
It invades your sleep.
It rewires your nervous system.
It changes who you are.
We are taught to recognize traumain obvious places on battlefield.
In violent homes, we are never taughtto see it in the quiet cruelty of the
(02:11):
modern office in a healthcare settingat the doctor's office or at our clinic.
But the absence of a fist does notnegate the presence of violence.
The blows are to your psyche, yourreputation, your sanity, and that kind
(02:32):
of violence leaves its own deep scars.
And we must remember just becausesomeone is a nurse, a doctor, a
teacher, or a social worker, does notmean they are not abusers at work.
In fact, the culture of self sacrificein these quote unquote helping
(02:57):
professions can often provide theperfect cover for this kind of abuse
to thrive, unseen and unchallenged.
To understand the true toll ofworkplace bullying, you have to
understand it is never just one wound.
(03:19):
It's a series of betrayals, each onelayering on top of another trauma.
Let's talk about the three layers oftrauma caused by workplace bullying.
The first layer is the primary trauma.
The direct abuse from the bully orbullies, if you have more than one.
(03:43):
The words.
The threats.
The public humiliation.
That's the first wound.
And some days it happensover and over and over.
The second layer is the secondarytrauma, the betrayal of bystanders.
(04:04):
The people who see what's happeningand choose silence or inaction.
These colleagues who look away or worsejoin in cause another layer of trauma.
Their inaction confirms the bully'smessage, that you are isolated
(04:25):
and unworthy of protection.
The third layer is the tertiary trauma.
The betrayal of the system ofthe organization you work in.
This is when your boss, or human resourcesdismisses your complaint, refrains you
(04:45):
as the problem, or simply does nothing.
The very structures meant to ensuresafety instead, deepen the abuse.
These layers build on one another.
Remember last episode when I toldyou about my colleague who charged
(05:06):
around the table at me in a meetingThat was the first layer, the
primary trauma against me, a directassault on my safety and dignity.
In that same meeting camethe secondary trauma.
I looked up, tried to makeeye contact with others at the
(05:27):
table, but they were all hangingtheir head and they did nothing.
Later, some even lied and said thatthe charging around the table was my
imagination and it never happened.
Their silence and their lies betrayedmy trust in them and in my own
(05:48):
perception of reality, it added to theprimary trauma of having a colleague
charge around the table at me.
And finally, the tertiary trauma, thedamage done by my supervisor, human
resources, and the organization.
(06:10):
I reported it immediately afterthe meeting to my supervisor.
She did nothing.
When I went to hr, they didn't protect me.
They betrayed me.
In fact, they said I wasdifficult, that I was the problem.
They didn't nothing to theperson who caused the abuse.
(06:32):
The very system designed to protectme reinforced the bully's message
that I was worthless and disposable.
Three layers of trauma, eachone compounding the last.
That's why it can't be dismissedas just stress or a bad boss.
(06:55):
This is why the trauma from workplacebullying rewires your nervous system
and it shatters your sense of self.
These layers of trauma impact whoyou are both at home and at work.
You become hypervigilant.
Constantly scanning for the next threat.
It seems like you're paranoid, butit's a learned survival mechanism.
(07:21):
The environment that you're workingin teaches you that anyone could
be turned against you at a moment'snotice, and many times the whole
organization is against you.
So you stop speaking up in meetings,you stop trusting your own judgment.
You find yourself constantly asking.
(07:41):
What is wrong with me?
Why can't I handle this?
Am I that hard to get along with?
Your mind gets stuck on a loop becausethe trauma is actively reshaping how
you see yourself and your entire world.
And it's not just aboutconfidence or identity.
(08:03):
Workplace bullying takes a serioustoll on your mental health.
People who are bullied are morelikely to experience anxiety,
depression, and even suicidal thoughts.
And it doesn't stop at your emotions.
(08:24):
It shows up in your body.
The racing heart, when yousee their name in your inbox.
The headaches and the stomachaches that never go away.
The sleepless nights where yourmind won't shut off and you can't
stop thinking about the bully.
(08:45):
And if you've already lived withsome health challenges, trust
me, bullying makes those worse.
For me, it showed up in my blood sugar.
I've been diabetic since I was 13,so by the time I was in my job,
I had lived with it for 30 years.
(09:09):
Toward the end, my blood sugar suddenlyskyrocketed and it wouldn't go down.
I told myself, "Well, Jan, you're nospring chicken." I was getting older.
Maybe this just happens to diabeticswhen you've had it for decades.
But then the day I left thatjob, my blood sugar went back to
(09:32):
normal, almost instantaneously.
And it's never been thathigh for that long again.
And that's when the lightbulb moment went on.
And I realized this wasn't about my age ormy disease, it was about abuse and trauma.
(09:55):
That job had been poisoningmy body just as much as it
had been poisoning my spirit.
And for the record, in all my yearswith all the doctors and even when I
went to therapy, not once has anyoneever asked me about my work environment.
(10:16):
Not one person has ever said,do you feel safe at work?
Or could your job be part ofwhat's hurting your health?
That kind of silence matters becauseit means workplace trauma and workplace
bullying are going unrecognizedeven in the spaces where we're
(10:39):
supposed to be able to get help.
That's why workplace bullying cannever be brushed off as just part
of the job or just a bad boss.
It's not just about your work, it'salso your health and it's your life.
(10:59):
And so the question becomes if we can'talways stop the abuse, how do we protect
ourselves from being destroyed by it?
How do we really lessen the toll?
We've been told over and over that whenyou're being bullied, you're powerless.
(11:20):
That you're just doomedworkers who have to take it.
And at work, you hear it too outright,Jan, you are the troublemaker.
You are the problem.
And those messages, theyseep into who we are.
Little by little, youstart to believe them.
(11:42):
You start to believe you're powerless.
I start to think, yep,I am the troublemaker.
But here's the truth.
You are not and never wereand never will be powerless.
You are powerful.
(12:02):
The work is in finding yourway back to your power, and
that starts with a mind shift.
Stop centering on the bully's powerand start reclaiming your own.
I know that when you're bullied, allyou want is for somebody to stop it.
(12:24):
You look to human resources,your manager, your supervisor.
And maybe even the union.
And when they don't step in or believeyou or do a damn thing, it feels like
you lost, you feel powerless again.
(12:44):
The message that you don'tmatter is reinforced.
The reality is you don'tneed anyone to save you.
Your mind shift is focusingon what you can control.
You never could and never will be ableto control the bully or HR or your
(13:07):
supervisor, but you can control yourself
.The very first move is simple, but crucial.
You build a wall or an invisiblebarrier around you that says, bully,
you don't get to touch who I amand your abuse isn't affecting me.
(13:31):
The barrier says you don't get to defineme, and you don't get to disrupt my peace.
But I'm a realist, and here's one thing Iknow that barrier won't hold on its own.
You have to reinforce it becauseyou're working against a bully who
is doing everything in their powerto tear it down every single day.
(13:58):
For me, it was like putting onarmor before I walked into work.
I always visualized myselfputting it on and walking in.
That picture in my mindhelped me hold the line.
You can always tryaffirmations or self-talk.
It doesn't matter how you do it.
(14:21):
Whatever keeps the barrier strong, doit because that's what protects you.
That's what's going to protect you fromworkplace bullying taking its toll.
You have to tell yourselfthat too, over and over.
Who cares what they think?
Who cares what they say?
(14:41):
You know the truth, evenif no one else does.
Your opinion of yourself isthe only one that matters.
Period.
Focusing on you does not meanyou're excusing their behavior.
It means refusing to let their chaosand abuse dictate your every move.
(15:06):
You can't control whether thebully changes and they're probably
not, but you can control how muchaccess they have to your energy,
your attention, and who you are.
And protecting yourself is keyto not letting the workplace
abuse take a toll on you.
(15:29):
Another important step to lessening theimpact of bullying on you is to remember
why you loved your job in the first place.
Bullying can drown that out,but it doesn't erase it.
Those things are still there.
Maybe you love solving problems,helping clients, teaching students,
(15:52):
or creating something new.
Maybe it's that sense of purpose.
Or the relationships withpeople who actually value you.
Whatever it is, focus there.
That part of your workbelongs to you, not the bully.
The next step is shifting yourfocus towards those things that
(16:16):
keep you steady at home and work.
Really, that's just a fancy wayof saying, Hey, if you are being
bullied, you need self-care.
Bullying tries to strip away not justyour peace, but also your passion.
Reclaiming even a piece of thatjoy is part of lessening the toll.
(16:40):
At work, that focus might look smallfrom the outside, but it is powerful.
For me, it was coffee.
Every day I'd step outside and buy myselfa cup, not because I needed the caffeine.
But because it was something that I coulddo that was tender and loving, a way of
(17:02):
reminding myself that I mattered, it wassomething I could look forward to when
everything else around me was tryingto convince me that I didn't matter.
The ritual gave me a moment of my peaceand dignity that no one could take away.
(17:24):
Do things at home that make youhappy, your hobbies or whatever it is.
For me at home, it was gaming.
I played World of Warcraft.
Yes, that's right.
You heard it.
I played World of Warcraft and I lovedthe player versus player battles,
(17:45):
when I was in the middle of workplacebullying those battles and those
battlegrounds were a release in the game.
I could fight and I could even win.
It gave me back my sense of powerwhen work was stripping it away.
A cup of coffee.
A video game, a walk in thegarden, a laugh with a friend.
(18:10):
These aren't small things.
These are lifelines.
When you're being abused, they tetheryou back to yourself and remind you that
you are more than just workplace trauma.
So it's so important that you schedulethose things at home and work every
day to remind yourself I matter.
(18:36):
Sometimes lessening the toll also meansseeking support, but here's the truth.
Coaching and therapyare not the same thing.
Therapy helps you heal.
Coaching helps you act.
You may need one, the other or both, butknowing the difference gives you power.
(19:03):
Let's be honest, this is not easy.
None of this is easy.
You are living through workplace bullying,but you're still showing up every day
in a place that's unsafe and you can'tcontrol whether the abuse stops or not.
(19:23):
But you can lessen the toll.
Protecting your peace.
Remembering your worth.
Holding onto the pieces ofyourself that matter most.
That is survival, butit's also resistance.
Lessening the toll isn't aboutwaiting for someone else to step in.
(19:46):
It's about refusing to let themtake you from you, and that's
how you keep going even in themiddle of it, by focusing on you.
Next week we're digging in evendeeper with the bullies playbook.
I'll break down the tactics bulliesuse so you can see the patterns clearly
(20:11):
and start taking their power away.
Thank you for being here.
Thank you for listening.
If this episode hit home, check outstop bully culture.com where I share
tools, resources, and real talk tohelp you deal with workplace abuse.
(20:33):
And if you know someone who needsto hear this, share it with them.
Until next time.
Welcome to Exposing Workplace Bullying,where we pull back the curtain and have
real conversations about workplace abuse.
I'm your host, Dr. Jan Kircher.
This is episode three, lesseningthe Toll of Workplace Bullying.
(00:22):
Today we're talking about the real cost,not the missed deadlines, but the real
cost to you, to your body, to your mind,and your very sense of who you are.
Abuse at work is a slow,deliberate erosion.
(00:44):
It's being systematicallyhumiliated in front of your peers.
It's watching your projects bequietly reassigned, your contributions
erased or stolen by someone else.
It's the calculated silence fromcolleagues who suddenly look away.
(01:06):
Individually, you could explain any ofthese away a bad day, a misunderstanding.
But together they form a sustainedcampaign with one clear purpose to
make you doubt your own worth, yourown memory, and your own reality
(01:27):
personally and professionally,together they are workplace abuse.
And just like all abuse, itcauses deep lasting trauma.
It doesn't stay at your desk or at work.
It follows you home.
(01:48):
It invades your sleep.
It rewires your nervous system.
It changes who you are.
We are taught to recognize traumain obvious places on battlefield.
In violent homes, we are never taughtto see it in the quiet cruelty of the
(02:11):
modern office in a healthcare settingat the doctor's office or at our clinic.
But the absence of a fist does notnegate the presence of violence.
The blows are to your psyche, yourreputation, your sanity, and that kind
(02:32):
of violence leaves its own deep scars.
And we must remember just becausesomeone is a nurse, a doctor, a
teacher, or a social worker, does notmean they are not abusers at work.
In fact, the culture of self sacrificein these quote unquote helping
(02:57):
professions can often provide theperfect cover for this kind of abuse
to thrive, unseen and unchallenged.
To understand the true toll ofworkplace bullying, you have to
understand it is never just one wound.
(03:19):
It's a series of betrayals, each onelayering on top of another trauma.
Let's talk about the three layers oftrauma caused by workplace bullying.
The first layer is the primary trauma.
The direct abuse from the bully orbullies, if you have more than one.
(03:43):
The words.
The threats.
The public humiliation.
That's the first wound.
And some days it happensover and over and over.
The second layer is the secondarytrauma, the betrayal of bystanders.
(04:04):
The people who see what's happeningand choose silence or inaction.
These colleagues who look away or worsejoin in cause another layer of trauma.
Their inaction confirms the bully'smessage, that you are isolated
(04:25):
and unworthy of protection.
The third layer is the tertiary trauma.
The betrayal of the system ofthe organization you work in.
This is when your boss, or human resourcesdismisses your complaint, refrains you
(04:45):
as the problem, or simply does nothing.
The very structures meant to ensuresafety instead, deepen the abuse.
These layers build on one another.
Remember last episode when I toldyou about my colleague who charged
(05:06):
around the table at me in a meetingThat was the first layer, the
primary trauma against me, a directassault on my safety and dignity.
In that same meeting camethe secondary trauma.
I looked up, tried to makeeye contact with others at the
(05:27):
table, but they were all hangingtheir head and they did nothing.
Later, some even lied and said thatthe charging around the table was my
imagination and it never happened.
Their silence and their lies betrayedmy trust in them and in my own
(05:48):
perception of reality, it added to theprimary trauma of having a colleague
charge around the table at me.
And finally, the tertiary trauma, thedamage done by my supervisor, human
resources, and the organization.
(06:10):
I reported it immediately afterthe meeting to my supervisor.
She did nothing.
When I went to hr, they didn't protect me.
They betrayed me.
In fact, they said I wasdifficult, that I was the problem.
They didn't nothing to theperson who caused the abuse.
(06:32):
The very system designed to protectme reinforced the bully's message
that I was worthless and disposable.
Three layers of trauma, eachone compounding the last.
That's why it can't be dismissedas just stress or a bad boss.
(06:55):
This is why the trauma from workplacebullying rewires your nervous system
and it shatters your sense of self.
These layers of trauma impact whoyou are both at home and at work.
You become hypervigilant.
Constantly scanning for the next threat.
It seems like you're paranoid, butit's a learned survival mechanism.
(07:21):
The environment that you're workingin teaches you that anyone could
be turned against you at a moment'snotice, and many times the whole
organization is against you.
So you stop speaking up in meetings,you stop trusting your own judgment.
You find yourself constantly asking.
(07:41):
What is wrong with me?
Why can't I handle this?
Am I that hard to get along with?
Your mind gets stuck on a loop becausethe trauma is actively reshaping how
you see yourself and your entire world.
And it's not just aboutconfidence or identity.
(08:03):
Workplace bullying takes a serioustoll on your mental health.
People who are bullied are morelikely to experience anxiety,
depression, and even suicidal thoughts.
And it doesn't stop at your emotions.
(08:24):
It shows up in your body.
The racing heart, when yousee their name in your inbox.
The headaches and the stomachaches that never go away.
The sleepless nights where yourmind won't shut off and you can't
stop thinking about the bully.
(08:45):
And if you've already lived withsome health challenges, trust
me, bullying makes those worse.
For me, it showed up in my blood sugar.
I've been diabetic since I was 13,so by the time I was in my job,
I had lived with it for 30 years.
(09:09):
Toward the end, my blood sugar suddenlyskyrocketed and it wouldn't go down.
I told myself, "Well, Jan, you're nospring chicken." I was getting older.
Maybe this just happens to diabeticswhen you've had it for decades.
But then the day I left thatjob, my blood sugar went back to
(09:32):
normal, almost instantaneously.
And it's never been thathigh for that long again.
And that's when the lightbulb moment went on.
And I realized this wasn't about my age ormy disease, it was about abuse and trauma.
(09:55):
That job had been poisoningmy body just as much as it
had been poisoning my spirit.
And for the record, in all my yearswith all the doctors and even when I
went to therapy, not once has anyoneever asked me about my work environment.
(10:16):
Not one person has ever said,do you feel safe at work?
Or could your job be part ofwhat's hurting your health?
That kind of silence matters becauseit means workplace trauma and workplace
bullying are going unrecognizedeven in the spaces where we're
(10:39):
supposed to be able to get help.
That's why workplace bullying cannever be brushed off as just part
of the job or just a bad boss.
It's not just about your work, it'salso your health and it's your life.
(10:59):
And so the question becomes if we can'talways stop the abuse, how do we protect
ourselves from being destroyed by it?
How do we really lessen the toll?
We've been told over and over that whenyou're being bullied, you're powerless.
(11:20):
That you're just doomedworkers who have to take it.
And at work, you hear it too outright,Jan, you are the troublemaker.
You are the problem.
And those messages, theyseep into who we are.
Little by little, youstart to believe them.
(11:42):
You start to believe you're powerless.
I start to think, yep,I am the troublemaker.
But here's the truth.
You are not and never wereand never will be powerless.
You are powerful.
(12:02):
The work is in finding yourway back to your power, and
that starts with a mind shift.
Stop centering on the bully's powerand start reclaiming your own.
I know that when you're bullied, allyou want is for somebody to stop it.
(12:24):
You look to human resources,your manager, your supervisor.
And maybe even the union.
And when they don't step in or believeyou or do a damn thing, it feels like
you lost, you feel powerless again.
(12:44):
The message that you don'tmatter is reinforced.
The reality is you don'tneed anyone to save you.
Your mind shift is focusingon what you can control.
You never could and never will be ableto control the bully or HR or your
(13:07):
supervisor, but you can control yourself
.The very first move is simple, but crucial.
You build a wall or an invisiblebarrier around you that says, bully,
you don't get to touch who I amand your abuse isn't affecting me.
(13:31):
The barrier says you don't get to defineme, and you don't get to disrupt my peace.
But I'm a realist, and here's one thing Iknow that barrier won't hold on its own.
You have to reinforce it becauseyou're working against a bully who
is doing everything in their powerto tear it down every single day.
(13:58):
For me, it was like putting onarmor before I walked into work.
I always visualized myselfputting it on and walking in.
That picture in my mindhelped me hold the line.
You can always tryaffirmations or self-talk.
It doesn't matter how you do it.
(14:21):
Whatever keeps the barrier strong, doit because that's what protects you.
That's what's going to protect you fromworkplace bullying taking its toll.
You have to tell yourselfthat too, over and over.
Who cares what they think?
Who cares what they say?
(14:41):
You know the truth, evenif no one else does.
Your opinion of yourself isthe only one that matters.
Period.
Focusing on you does not meanyou're excusing their behavior.
It means refusing to let their chaosand abuse dictate your every move.
(15:06):
You can't control whether thebully changes and they're probably
not, but you can control how muchaccess they have to your energy,
your attention, and who you are.
And protecting yourself is keyto not letting the workplace
abuse take a toll on you.
(15:29):
Another important step to lessening theimpact of bullying on you is to remember
why you loved your job in the first place.
Bullying can drown that out,but it doesn't erase it.
Those things are still there.
Maybe you love solving problems,helping clients, teaching students,
(15:52):
or creating something new.
Maybe it's that sense of purpose.
Or the relationships withpeople who actually value you.
Whatever it is, focus there.
That part of your workbelongs to you, not the bully.
The next step is shifting yourfocus towards those things that
(16:16):
keep you steady at home and work.
Really, that's just a fancy wayof saying, Hey, if you are being
bullied, you need self-care.
Bullying tries to strip away not justyour peace, but also your passion.
Reclaiming even a piece of thatjoy is part of lessening the toll.
(16:40):
At work, that focus might look smallfrom the outside, but it is powerful.
For me, it was coffee.
Every day I'd step outside and buy myselfa cup, not because I needed the caffeine.
But because it was something that I coulddo that was tender and loving, a way of
(17:02):
reminding myself that I mattered, it wassomething I could look forward to when
everything else around me was tryingto convince me that I didn't matter.
The ritual gave me a moment of my peaceand dignity that no one could take away.
(17:24):
Do things at home that make youhappy, your hobbies or whatever it is.
For me at home, it was gaming.
I played World of Warcraft.
Yes, that's right.
You heard it.
I played World of Warcraft and I lovedthe player versus player battles,
(17:45):
when I was in the middle of workplacebullying those battles and those
battlegrounds were a release in the game.
I could fight and I could even win.
It gave me back my sense of powerwhen work was stripping it away.
A cup of coffee.
A video game, a walk in thegarden, a laugh with a friend.
(18:10):
These aren't small things.
These are lifelines.
When you're being abused, they tetheryou back to yourself and remind you that
you are more than just workplace trauma.
So it's so important that you schedulethose things at home and work every
day to remind yourself I matter.
(18:36):
Sometimes lessening the toll also meansseeking support, but here's the truth.
Coaching and therapyare not the same thing.
Therapy helps you heal.
Coaching helps you act.
You may need one, the other or both, butknowing the difference gives you power.
(19:03):
Let's be honest, this is not easy.
None of this is easy.
You are living through workplace bullying,but you're still showing up every day
in a place that's unsafe and you can'tcontrol whether the abuse stops or not.
(19:23):
But you can lessen the toll.
Protecting your peace.
Remembering your worth.
Holding onto the pieces ofyourself that matter most.
That is survival, butit's also resistance.
Lessening the toll isn't aboutwaiting for someone else to step in.
(19:46):
It's about refusing to let themtake you from you, and that's
how you keep going even in themiddle of it, by focusing on you.
Next week we're digging in evendeeper with the bullies playbook.
I'll break down the tactics bulliesuse so you can see the patterns clearly
(20:11):
and start taking their power away.
Thank you for being here.
Thank you for listening.
If this episode hit home, check outstop bully culture.com where I share
tools, resources, and real talk tohelp you deal with workplace abuse.
(20:33):
And if you know someone who needsto hear this, share it with them.
Until next time.
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