May 31, 2024 • 36 mins
Summary:
In this episode, Cielle explores the question of how to know what's right and how to make decisions that feel good and fulfilling. She emphasizes the importance of trusting ourselves and creating our own standards and values. Cielle shares personal anecdotes and analogies to illustrate her points, including the role of a coach in supporting and providing different perspectives. She encourages listeners to treat themselves like they matter and to filter outside opinions as one would listen to a consultant rather than as absolute truths. Ultimately, she highlights the importance of making choices based on what feels good and aligns with our own vision and values.
Keywords:
decision-making, trust, standards, values, coach, perspective, opinions, fulfillment, life coach, choices, adulting
Takeaways
- You can begin to trust yourself and create your own standards and values
- What does "right" actually mean?
- We can treat ourselves like the CEO of our life, where we gather information from consultants (ie other humans), to then see if it works for us
- Don't be afraid to take breaks or deviate from societal norms if it aligns with your vision and values
- Treat yourself like you matter and prioritize what feels good and fulfilling to you
Sound Bites:
"What if you treated yourself like you mattered?" "You are allowed to create your own standards" "What if you treated yourself like your ideas mattered equally as much as other people's?"
Chapters:
00:00 Beginning to Trust Ourselves with Decisions 08:40 Being CEOs Of Our Lives: And Considering Consultant's Perspectives 11:35 What Is A Life Coach? 17:50 Definition Of "Right": Who Gets To Create The Standard? 31:11 What If You Treated Yourself Like You Mattered? 34:22 Engage and Connect with the Podcast 35:15 Supporting the Podcast Community
The coach I mentioned in the podcast is the wonderful Marriage and Relationship Coach Maggie Reyes. Highly Recommend. https://maggiereyes.com/
Music:
- Thank you to Brandon Ward for the intro
- The music in the outro is Effin Groovy by the amazing Bobbo Byrnes and Miracle Laurie
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:52):
We are back and I am so excited forepisode two, especially since I have been
singing the theme song of this episode allmorning.
We are going to Britney Spears.
So the title of this episode, it's a longone, but it's, how am I supposed to know
what's right?
You just gotta do it your way.
(01:15):
So have we gone back to 90s, early 2000sBritney Spears?
Yes, we have.
This was early 2000s.
How do I know?
Because I can actually imagine andvisualize right now where I was.
I was living at a big yellow house in themiddle of Boomington, Indiana with six
other humans whom I just met that year.
(01:37):
Yes, it was like the real world.
If you know, you know, it's like the realworld.
And Courtney and I, my girlfriendCourtney, amazing opera singer that she
is.
we would blast this song overprotected byBritney Spears over and over and over
again in the living room and dance ourhearts out.
(01:58):
This is the one that goes, I need time,space, joy, love.
I don't remember the order.
I need me.
Can y 'all get?
And then it goes, da da da da da.
What am I to do with my life?
You will find out.
Don't worry.
Not so helpful in the moment.
I get it.
How am I supposed to know what's right?
(02:19):
You just got to do it your way.
And that my friends is going to be what wedelve into today.
Why?
Because this is one of the major questionsthat I get in coaching, but also as an
instructor.
And I think it is fundamental to thisthing called adulting.
(02:44):
So let's just talk about it now.
How do we know that the choices that wemake are right?
And then furthermore, right for whom?
For us?
For others?
For society?
Ooh, it can get nebulous, but it can alsocause a lot of pressure.
(03:04):
It can cause a lot of insecurity and selfdoubt.
And the term that I hear a lot is lost,right?
I just feel super lost.
And a lot of times it's coming from thisidea that there is a right way to do this
life, that there is a right way that hasbeen set out in motion that we just need
(03:26):
to somehow find outside of ourselves, thatwill provide all of the answers.
And we just follow the instructions and welive a fulfilling life.
Y 'all haven't figured it out that way.
That really has been the case.
I have not heard of it.
And so it's a little tough when we do nothave the instruction manual.
(03:51):
So what do we do in the absence of aninstruction manual or even better?
How do we create our own instructionmanual so that choosing and making
decisions that feel right to us becomeseasier and
easier and easier.
(04:11):
So I remember in college feeling anextreme amount of pressure to make the
right decision.
And actually the pressure was caused froma deep -seated fear that if I made the
wrong decision, that I will royally screwup my life for the rest of my life.
(04:33):
And that was related to choosing my major,what college do I go to, what jobs do I
choose?
Who do I hang out with?
What love interest?
All of those things.
I was like, I have to make all these rightchoices because if I don't somehow the
rest of my life is going to suck or I'mgoing to regret it the rest of my life.
(04:55):
So here's the good news.
The good news.
So take it from me 20 years later is.
There are very little decisions andchoices that you can make that will
royally screw up the rest of your life.
I'm thinking, I mean, maybe don't breaksome laws that could send you to jail, but
(05:16):
other than that, you're basically good.
This is just the beginning of starting tomake choices.
And once you make a choice, you live thatchoice for a little bit.
And then if ever that choice starts to notfeel right anymore, who there's that word
(05:36):
again, if ever that choice starts to feelconfining or icky, or you just don't want
to do this thing anymore, guess what?
You get to choose again.
And then you get to choose again.
And then you get to choose again.
So this is just the beginning.
So if I can alleviate this thing thatthere's this mountain of choices that we
(05:57):
all have to make at the beginning of ourlives, that's gonna either set us up for
failure or set us up for success, that isa bunch of baloney.
Baloney, baloney, baloney, baloney.
Why do we actually say that?
It's a bunch of hooey.
So how do we start to make decisions asadults that feel really good to us?
(06:20):
Let's first validate that doing thingsthat feel good to us and making choices
based off of what we want to do andtrusting ourselves in doing so is
difficult because as we're brought up aschildren, we are actually brought up to
(06:40):
listen to the adults.
We are brought up to listen to others inorder to help us survive.
And as kids, that is how we learn how tolive in this world is by observing and
listening and taking into account whatolder humans have done, what other people
(07:07):
do in order to gauge what we can do inorder to continue to survive.
But here's the issue with that.
is we then reach this maturity, we reachthis adulthood, where now we need to start
making decisions for ourselves.
And we come to an equalizer point where wehave learned the skills necessary in order
(07:34):
to survive.
And we are at the same page
other adults in this world.
But it's a hard transition for us to nowstart to trust our own decision -making
skills,
Now how does this affect us when there isa choice or a decision that we want to
make in our lives?
What we tend to do is we tend to crowdsource and we get all of the opinions of
(08:01):
everyone else.
and we take that into consideration.
But how often do we take intoconsideration our own opinions, What data
we've actually acquired.
We tend to also...
give priority or validate other people'sopinions and judgments over our own.
(08:23):
Again, not because there's something wrongwith us, not because we're faulty, it's
just the way that we were brought up askids, except for now, we're being asked to
not be kids anymore, we're being asked tobe these adulting things, and we don't
know how to do it.
So here's an analogy that works for me.
(08:44):
Maybe it'll work for you.
It's to think of ourselves, ooh, let's dothis.
Let's think about a CEO of a business.
The CEO of a business has an idea of whatthe culture of that business is, has an
idea of who the people are, what thefunding looks like, what the vision is.
(09:04):
Now, in order to make decisions as a CEO,sometimes they will hire consultants.
and the consultants will come in and givetheir ideas based on their expertise.
And then what does the CEO do?
The CEO will then take into account all ofthat information to see, does that fit
(09:26):
with the company as it is?
Does that fit with what we are trying tocreate as a company?
If it doesn't, guess what?
It doesn't mean the consultant sucks.
It means what they said was valid in theirown expertise.
But when we try to integrate it with thecompany, it doesn't work.
What if when we're listening to all ofthose opinions and judgments that people
(09:52):
have about what this life is about and howto succeed at this thing called life, what
if we could treat them as our consultants?
As in, we are the CEO, we are the captain,ooh, captain, my captain, we are the lead,
we are the queen, whatever.
of our own life.
We know what is important to us.
(10:14):
We know what we are capable of.
We know our vision best.
And when we hear the ideas of theseconsultants, i .e.
humans in our lives, we can consider them,but ultimately consider how it integrates
with what we are wanting to create in ourlives.
(10:35):
And I am hoping that I am
one of those consultants.
Sometimes you come here and you listen andmaybe you'll get a great idea that'll help
you or a different perspective that'llsupport you or that'll give you clarity in
creating whatever your next move is.
Sometimes I will be and sometimes you'regoing to listen to what I say and be like,
(10:58):
not for me.
Or maybe you're going to listen and say,not yet, but this may actually work for me
in a year.
or two years.
Who knows?
I'm giving you permission here if you needit to actually be CEO, head, queen, king,
(11:20):
captain of your own dang life and to treatus all...
your consultants.
my gosh, I just remembered my oldest son,he's 13 and he's like peasants.
You could treat us as that if that helpsyou.
That is actually one major reason I lovebeing a coach is that I feel really
(11:42):
uncomfortable when people ask me foradvice because I always have thought and
still think, who am I to say what is bestfor you?
I have ideas, I have perspectives, but youknow your life best.
You know what you want.
You know what's important to you.
You know the people who are involved.
(12:02):
You know where you want to be going.
No matter what, you know it feels good toyou or not.
So yes, I can have ideas, but who am I totell you what is best for you?
Where as a coach, I get to support andencourage and mirror back the things that
you say is
(12:22):
As a coach, I get to be here as a spacewhere we, I mean, magic happens.
And the magic is that in this space, youget clearer and clearer and clearer about
what you actually want.
You get clearer and clearer and clearerthat you've known all along.
(12:42):
You get clearer and clearer and clearerthat you don't need me in your life.
And you can stay in my life because it'sfun.
But y 'all, it's if you don't trust meyet, stick with me.
At some point, I believe you will.
So let's talk about this coaching thingbecause that's also something that I get a
lot of questions about is what is a coach?
(13:03):
What do you do?
What's a life coach?
So let's bring it to sports because Ithink that's where we understand coaching
the most is related to sports.
Now, if you are an athlete who has acoach, can you see that the coach is on
the sidelines?
The coach can help you at your skills.
The coach can give you plays, but as anathlete,
(13:25):
you are skilled and badass as an athleteon your own.
The coach can enhance your plays.
The coach can give you perspective aboutwhat you might not be able to see on the
other team.
But ultimately, the coach is there tosupport you in playing the best game
(13:45):
possible for you and the team.
So let's bring this to life.
A life coach does just that.
I get to support you on the game.
And if this, in this case, the game islife.
on this game that you want to play?
First of all, what game do you want toplay?
(14:06):
And by what rules?
What rules are we playing by?
And how do you win this game of life ofyours?
And how do you want to play?
Who do you want to play with?
What role or positions do you want toplay?
And once we start to elaborate and toclarify those things, it's a go.
(14:29):
because somehow I am better at doing thishuman thing than you are.
That's just not the case.
It's because I have a differentperspective because I am not living your
life.
And because of that, because I have somesort of separation,
There are other things that I can see.
(14:49):
Because I've had this conversation,possibly, many, many, many times, there's
a different clarity or a differentperspective that I can bring.
Ooh, let's do a rock climbing analogy.
Y 'all Cielle at 14 loved her rockclimbing.
So we are all in this analogy climbing amountain that is life.
(15:10):
Now, when you are climbing, we are againstthe rock face.
We don't get to see much that is aroundother than our holds.
Right?
We got this hold.
How am I going to get this hold?
How do I make sure that I don't tiremyself out so that I can actually keep
climbing this mountain?
Now, most of us, when we're climbing amountain in rock climbing, we have
(15:33):
somebody who's belaying us, somebody who'son the ground and they have the ropes and
they're supporting us.
Think of the coach as the belayer in thisanalogy.
So let's say I'm on the floor, I'm on theground and I'm belaying you and you are up
against this rock.
face, I am able to see because I am at adifferent vantage point that there may be
(15:57):
a foothold for you right by your leftknee.
And you can't see it again because you areagainst the rock face and there's no way
that you can see it from your perspective.
But because I'm at a different vantagepoint, I can see it.
And I can offer that as a suggestion andsay, try, it looks like there is a hold by
(16:20):
your knee.
on the left side.
Try it out and see if that works for you.
Does that belittle or discount the skillthat you have in climbing your own damn
mountain?
Absolutely not.
It gives you a choice.
Something that's out of your periphery tosay, let me try it.
Maybe that'll work.
(16:40):
And as you move your foot up towards yourknee, you can see, can I handle it?
Does this actually work?
Yes, it does keep climbing.
no, that actually doesn't work.
It's at a weird angle.
Perhaps it's not a hold at all.
And it's a freaking beetle.
but that's the role of the coach.
Encourager, cheerleader from the ground,somebody who can see different
(17:04):
perspectives.
Maybe they have a knowledge base.
Maybe they've climbed this mountain 70times.
And so then you can use their knowledgebase to climb this mountain and they know
where the holds are.
Awesome.
Maybe they've climbed mountains like this70 million times and can provide you that
kind of information.
No matter what though, you're still theone.
(17:26):
who's climbing the mountain.
And we are here to support you in doingthat.
Of course, if you have any other questionsabout coaching, you can always ask me and
I will answer.
So let's go back to the initial question.
How am I supposed to know what's right?
How am I supposed to do this life right?
How am I supposed to make the rightdecisions for me?
(17:50):
Let's talk about the word right.
Yes, I'm still an English professor atheart, y 'all.
So the definition currently of the wordright tends to mean what is correct, to
live life correctly or in an acceptablemanner.
to which I would respond, well, who getsto decide what is correct?
(18:12):
Who gets to decide what is acceptable?
If we actually go back to the origin ofthe word right, it's linked to moral
conformity.
It's about conforming to moral standards
creating a standard according to morallaw.
(18:32):
Again, I ask, who's standard?
So perhaps you do want to use otherpeople's standards as the way to model
your life.
Please know that you are using otherpeople's standards to do that and that it
is a conscious choice to do so.
Many of you, I will just say, I can't evensay the word conform without freaking out.
(18:57):
My whole being is like, you will notconform.
So y 'all just know that that's who I amand that's part of me.
Some of y 'all will be like, conform towhat?
In which case, I get to ask you, who'sstandard?
And we are allowed to create our ownstandards.
(19:20):
Y 'all, those moral laws and thosestandards and conformity and society and
these rules, they were created by someone.
They may have been 100 or thousands ofyears ago.
They were created by humans.
Which means that because you are alsohuman, you could actually create them too.
(19:41):
Yes, I get passionate about this.
And here's where it can get wonky,especially young adults when we're trying
to make decisions for ourselves and we arelooking to people who we tend to trust to
say, what do I do here?
And they come out with a societal rule ora societal standard as an absolute that's
(20:05):
like, this is the way that it is done.
And so we start to feel, shit, I guess Igotta do it this way.
Sometimes we know it's not the right wayfor us.
Now here's what I know to be true with allof the people that I know and speak with
(20:26):
is that we fundamentally want to live ourmost fulfilling, most personally
meaningful lives possible.
If we didn't, you wouldn't be here.
If you didn't, you wouldn't care aboutmaking the right choices.
The intention behind making the rightchoices is an amazing one.
(20:48):
It's that we wanna do this life well.
We want to get to the end of our lives andsay, woo, what a ride, that was awesome.
Many people say that they don't wanna livewith regret.
They wanna get to the end again and say,
I did it just the way.
I'm thinking Frank Sinatra.
(21:09):
I did it my way.
And it felt really good.
Ooh, that probably got high pitched.
I wonder if y 'all heard that.
How do we begin to do this?
one way is that we can begin to trust whatis right for us, meaning we create our
standards.
We say what feels good.
(21:32):
We start to say what is correct for us.
And this will not always be easy becausewhen we make a decision, a lot of times we
are going to consider the knowledge basethat is outside of us.
We're going to consider the people whom wetrust.
(21:53):
We're going to, a lot of timesunconsciously, hold by ideals that we've
been brought into based on the culturesthat we have grown up in.
NORMAL!
The issue happens when they conflict.
The issue happens when something insociety says this is the way to do it in
(22:17):
order to be a success and it feels at oddswith what you want to do.
And there's a clash.
because we have been taught to trustothers over ourselves,
We tend to then self -doubt, self-deprecate, be mean to ourselves, like,
(22:39):
why can't you just succumb?
Sometimes we're overwhelmed.
Sometimes we go into paralysis.
Again, normal reactions when we're at oddsand when we are validating that there is
one right way to do it, which is whatsociety says versus the way that we want
to do it.
(23:00):
And we've never tried it out before.
And of course it's going to be freakingscary because we've never done it before.
So our nervous systems and our brains arelike, are we going to survive this thing?
We haven't gone out on our own yet.
We haven't done it this way.
We haven't done it our own way yet.
And so of course we're going to be scaredand fear is going to show up as a
(23:23):
protector to say, are we going to survivethis thing?
And guess what?
You get to say yes.
We are going to survive this thing becauseit is important to me enough to go do it.
So let's do some examples.
What are some things that often get inyoung adults' brains that I hear quite
(23:45):
often?
Ooh, a gap year.
How many of y 'all have not taken a gapyear or decide not to take a break from
school because you believe what societysays, which is if you take a gap year,
you're never gonna go back.
Is that the truth?
Perhaps for some human beings, but does ithave to be the truth for you?
(24:09):
Y 'all, I took a gap year, I took severalgap years.
So between my master's and my doctorate.
So I actually thought I was gonna gothrough my doctorate all at Indiana
University, all in comparative literature,and I freaked out about the dissertation
and everything felt wrong about doing adissertation at that point.
And I made a choice.
(24:29):
Actually, let's go into that choice realquick.
Because I'm making it sound like it waseasy, but it was not easy.
So I was in a lot of turmoil.
And there was a moment where I wassitting, I was sitting next to my brother
and I realized that I was the only personwho decided that I was going to get a
(24:53):
doctorate.
Nobody in the world ever told me that Ineeded to get a doctorate.
I was the one who said I was gonna get adoctorate and I was the one putting
pressure on myself to get the doctorate.
And I realized in that moment,
sitting next to my brother.
Because I was the one who decided I wasgonna get a doctorate, I was also the one
(25:14):
that gets to decide I do not need to doit.
Surprise, surprise.
It was, it felt so magnanimous to be inthat moment.
I remember having it wash over me and Iflipped out and I put my knees, I got so
excited and I turned to my brother and Iwas like, I don't have to do my doctorate.
(25:37):
And he was like, yeah.
And I was like, this has changed my entirelife.
And so it was at that point when Irealized I didn't have to, that I decided
to get a terminal masters, graduated withthat, still went off to go teach in
France, did the things that I love to do.
I at that point didn't know whether or notI was going to complete it or not.
(26:01):
If I was ever going to finish this PhD ordoctorate thing.
And a couple years later,
It felt right to me to go do the thing.
And it was in a different field.
It was an education.
And I was, it came at the perfect timebecause it just so happens that at that
point I decided to get a doctorate ineducation and then I started to run
(26:23):
schools.
And then I decided to focus on teacherleadership and professional development
and shit.
I was actually doing that practically inreal time while I was running the schools.
It worked out.
And because it was important to me,several years later, I decided to go back
for my doctorate and I did it.
(26:45):
And y 'all, even as I was doing mydoctorate, I took breaks.
I took breaks to like run schools and havebabies and stuff.
And I still finished.
It still happened.
And actually, I couldn't even tell you howmany breaks I took.
That's how much of a non -issue it hasbecome.
(27:06):
So yes, sometimes we'll hear somethinglike, don't take a gap year because you'll
never go back.
That is a perspective or an opinionoutside.
Again, think of consultant.
You can say, huh, let me see if thatactually works for me.
trusting that you know yourself best.
(27:28):
Some of you, if it's important enough, youwill come back and do the thing again.
Some of you know that you absolutely needa break because you are so burnt out,
because you are feeling so dead insideabout whatever this thing is.
And perhaps with some rest, with someperspective, with a break, you can then...
(27:51):
Make a choice and a decision that worksfor you that may or may not include what
you're taking a break from.
Some of you may know that a gap year fromschool is a detriment to you.
Some of you may know that you are so goodwith an accountability partner, that you
(28:12):
love being in school, that you are notburnt out by it, and that it'll actually
support you in your endeavors.
Can you see that there are a variety ofperspectives here all related to Gap Year?
And they can work for you or not based on,again, what is important to you, what
(28:37):
you're able to do, where you are in themoment, what your vision is, what your
goals are.
There's a lot of malleable parts.
And just because you don't do it right nowdoesn't mean you're never gonna do it!
Let's do another one, another example.
One that I hear so often related toproductivity and laziness is work hard,
(29:01):
play hard.
Work hard, play hard.
Is that not how our entire corporate worksystem is?
Work hard for 45 years and then play hardfor like two.
It's a little ludicrous, honestly, thiswork hard, play hard.
again, though, depending on thecircumstance, sometimes it does actually
(29:25):
feel really good to get the hard thingsdone or the things that you don't really
wanna do so that you can go play and notworry about it anymore.
If that's your brain.
For people with ADHD and ADD, the workhard, play hard model doesn't work very
well.
(29:46):
A lot of times it's play, play, play,play, work, play, play, play, work, or
work, play, work, play, work, play.
The need to create dopamine while workingneeds to be there.
There needs to be a celebratory dopaminehit in order to continue to work.
So can you see that there are variants?
(30:07):
Again, this thing that society has deemedas successful, the rules, the standards,
this conformity.
is not necessarily true for everyindividual case.
All of this to illustrate that justbecause we have these so -called deemed
(30:31):
right ways to do the world, to do life, todo this adulting thing outside of us, all
these stories and narratives that areinfiltrating our brains, we can...
What did I do?
For those of you listening, I like tookstuff from my brain and threw it away.
(30:56):
We can actually shush that up and say,does that actually fit with me?
Does the gap year model work for me?
Does the work hard, play hard model workfor
So how do I want to end this episode?
Let's end it with this.
(31:18):
amazing coach who a couple years ago askedme this question that broke me.
And it broke me because I realized Ihadn't been doing it in 40 years.
She asked me, what if you treated yourselflike you mattered?
So my friends, I am asking the samequestion of you today.
(31:45):
What if in your life you treated yourselflike you matter?
What if you treated yourself like yourideas mattered equally as much as other
people's ideas?
What if what feels good to you and whatyou want to do matters just as much as
(32:10):
what other people want to do with theirown lives?
What if you could filter all of the noisethat is other people's judgments,
opinions, and advice
through this filter that is they are yourconsultants.
And ultimately you get to say what worksbest for you based on what you want, what
(32:33):
you love, what feels good, what you'recapable of, what's important to you, your
energy levels today, your vision.
And you get to use today.
this moment as your gauge.
We don't know what life is going to looklike in 40 years, 10 years, six months.
(32:56):
But we do know how we feel today.
And we can start to trust that when wemake the steps that feel good and are
based on values and standards that we setfor ourselves because they're important to
us right now.
that that'll then lead us to the nextthing.
(33:18):
And at that point, guess what?
We get to then make new choices based onwhat feels good to us, what's important to
us, and what matters at that point, and soon and so forth.
My friends, thank you so much for beinghere with me today.
I love.
(33:39):
I'm loving this platform so far.
I'm loving being able to speak with youthis way.
Please do connect with me.
I really want to know if you have anyquestions or concerns about anything that
we discuss in these podcasts.
If you have ideas about future podcasts orthings that you want me to elaborate on,
(33:59):
please let me know.
And of course, if there's something thathit you or really helped you, I would
really appreciate knowing
it helps me create next episodes and otherways that I can support you that are
actually valuable to you.
So
Thank you again for being here and I'llsee you at the next episode.
(34:26):
I realize that we are at the beginning ofour podcasting journey together.
However, if you are already excited,already wanting to share this with people
in your lives, already thinking that itwould be beneficial to have these
conversations on a more global scale,there are ways that you could support
(34:46):
that.
The main ways is to like...
follow and subscribe on which everplatform you are watching or listening to
me on.
You could always comment.
I would love to know what you foundhelpful or interesting in any of the
episodes.
And of course, if you have ideas aboutwhat conversations, what topics you would
(35:09):
like to cover in the future, please let meknow.
Again, this podcast is for you.
Other ways that you can find me are onsocial.
So I am on Instagram, TikTok and Facebookat Cielle Amundson.
That is at C I E L L E A M U N D S O N.
(35:32):
Find me there, say hi, let's start aconversation.
And if this is something that you thinkother people in your lives would love to
be a part of, would love to hear, wouldlove to be in conversation with,
please share this with them.
Thank you again and I look forward toseeing you or having you at the next
(35:54):
episode.
We are back and I am so excited forepisode two, especially since I have been
singing the theme song of this episode allmorning.
We are going to Britney Spears.
So the title of this episode, it's a longone, but it's, how am I supposed to know
what's right?
You just gotta do it your way.
(01:15):
So have we gone back to 90s, early 2000sBritney Spears?
Yes, we have.
This was early 2000s.
How do I know?
Because I can actually imagine andvisualize right now where I was.
I was living at a big yellow house in themiddle of Boomington, Indiana with six
other humans whom I just met that year.
(01:37):
Yes, it was like the real world.
If you know, you know, it's like the realworld.
And Courtney and I, my girlfriendCourtney, amazing opera singer that she
is.
we would blast this song overprotected byBritney Spears over and over and over
again in the living room and dance ourhearts out.
(01:58):
This is the one that goes, I need time,space, joy, love.
I don't remember the order.
I need me.
Can y 'all get?
And then it goes, da da da da da.
What am I to do with my life?
You will find out.
Don't worry.
Not so helpful in the moment.
I get it.
How am I supposed to know what's right?
(02:19):
You just got to do it your way.
And that my friends is going to be what wedelve into today.
Why?
Because this is one of the major questionsthat I get in coaching, but also as an
instructor.
And I think it is fundamental to thisthing called adulting.
(02:44):
So let's just talk about it now.
How do we know that the choices that wemake are right?
And then furthermore, right for whom?
For us?
For others?
For society?
Ooh, it can get nebulous, but it can alsocause a lot of pressure.
(03:04):
It can cause a lot of insecurity and selfdoubt.
And the term that I hear a lot is lost,right?
I just feel super lost.
And a lot of times it's coming from thisidea that there is a right way to do this
life, that there is a right way that hasbeen set out in motion that we just need
(03:26):
to somehow find outside of ourselves, thatwill provide all of the answers.
And we just follow the instructions and welive a fulfilling life.
Y 'all haven't figured it out that way.
That really has been the case.
I have not heard of it.
And so it's a little tough when we do nothave the instruction manual.
(03:51):
So what do we do in the absence of aninstruction manual or even better?
How do we create our own instructionmanual so that choosing and making
decisions that feel right to us becomeseasier and
easier and easier.
(04:11):
So I remember in college feeling anextreme amount of pressure to make the
right decision.
And actually the pressure was caused froma deep -seated fear that if I made the
wrong decision, that I will royally screwup my life for the rest of my life.
(04:33):
And that was related to choosing my major,what college do I go to, what jobs do I
choose?
Who do I hang out with?
What love interest?
All of those things.
I was like, I have to make all these rightchoices because if I don't somehow the
rest of my life is going to suck or I'mgoing to regret it the rest of my life.
(04:55):
So here's the good news.
The good news.
So take it from me 20 years later is.
There are very little decisions andchoices that you can make that will
royally screw up the rest of your life.
I'm thinking, I mean, maybe don't breaksome laws that could send you to jail, but
(05:16):
other than that, you're basically good.
This is just the beginning of starting tomake choices.
And once you make a choice, you live thatchoice for a little bit.
And then if ever that choice starts to notfeel right anymore, who there's that word
(05:36):
again, if ever that choice starts to feelconfining or icky, or you just don't want
to do this thing anymore, guess what?
You get to choose again.
And then you get to choose again.
And then you get to choose again.
So this is just the beginning.
So if I can alleviate this thing thatthere's this mountain of choices that we
(05:57):
all have to make at the beginning of ourlives, that's gonna either set us up for
failure or set us up for success, that isa bunch of baloney.
Baloney, baloney, baloney, baloney.
Why do we actually say that?
It's a bunch of hooey.
So how do we start to make decisions asadults that feel really good to us?
(06:20):
Let's first validate that doing thingsthat feel good to us and making choices
based off of what we want to do andtrusting ourselves in doing so is
difficult because as we're brought up aschildren, we are actually brought up to
(06:40):
listen to the adults.
We are brought up to listen to others inorder to help us survive.
And as kids, that is how we learn how tolive in this world is by observing and
listening and taking into account whatolder humans have done, what other people
(07:07):
do in order to gauge what we can do inorder to continue to survive.
But here's the issue with that.
is we then reach this maturity, we reachthis adulthood, where now we need to start
making decisions for ourselves.
And we come to an equalizer point where wehave learned the skills necessary in order
(07:34):
to survive.
And we are at the same page
other adults in this world.
But it's a hard transition for us to nowstart to trust our own decision -making
skills,
Now how does this affect us when there isa choice or a decision that we want to
make in our lives?
What we tend to do is we tend to crowdsource and we get all of the opinions of
(08:01):
everyone else.
and we take that into consideration.
But how often do we take intoconsideration our own opinions, What data
we've actually acquired.
We tend to also...
give priority or validate other people'sopinions and judgments over our own.
(08:23):
Again, not because there's something wrongwith us, not because we're faulty, it's
just the way that we were brought up askids, except for now, we're being asked to
not be kids anymore, we're being asked tobe these adulting things, and we don't
know how to do it.
So here's an analogy that works for me.
(08:44):
Maybe it'll work for you.
It's to think of ourselves, ooh, let's dothis.
Let's think about a CEO of a business.
The CEO of a business has an idea of whatthe culture of that business is, has an
idea of who the people are, what thefunding looks like, what the vision is.
(09:04):
Now, in order to make decisions as a CEO,sometimes they will hire consultants.
and the consultants will come in and givetheir ideas based on their expertise.
And then what does the CEO do?
The CEO will then take into account all ofthat information to see, does that fit
(09:26):
with the company as it is?
Does that fit with what we are trying tocreate as a company?
If it doesn't, guess what?
It doesn't mean the consultant sucks.
It means what they said was valid in theirown expertise.
But when we try to integrate it with thecompany, it doesn't work.
What if when we're listening to all ofthose opinions and judgments that people
(09:52):
have about what this life is about and howto succeed at this thing called life, what
if we could treat them as our consultants?
As in, we are the CEO, we are the captain,ooh, captain, my captain, we are the lead,
we are the queen, whatever.
of our own life.
We know what is important to us.
(10:14):
We know what we are capable of.
We know our vision best.
And when we hear the ideas of theseconsultants, i .e.
humans in our lives, we can consider them,but ultimately consider how it integrates
with what we are wanting to create in ourlives.
(10:35):
And I am hoping that I am
one of those consultants.
Sometimes you come here and you listen andmaybe you'll get a great idea that'll help
you or a different perspective that'llsupport you or that'll give you clarity in
creating whatever your next move is.
Sometimes I will be and sometimes you'regoing to listen to what I say and be like,
(10:58):
not for me.
Or maybe you're going to listen and say,not yet, but this may actually work for me
in a year.
or two years.
Who knows?
I'm giving you permission here if you needit to actually be CEO, head, queen, king,
(11:20):
captain of your own dang life and to treatus all...
your consultants.
my gosh, I just remembered my oldest son,he's 13 and he's like peasants.
You could treat us as that if that helpsyou.
That is actually one major reason I lovebeing a coach is that I feel really
(11:42):
uncomfortable when people ask me foradvice because I always have thought and
still think, who am I to say what is bestfor you?
I have ideas, I have perspectives, but youknow your life best.
You know what you want.
You know what's important to you.
You know the people who are involved.
(12:02):
You know where you want to be going.
No matter what, you know it feels good toyou or not.
So yes, I can have ideas, but who am I totell you what is best for you?
Where as a coach, I get to support andencourage and mirror back the things that
you say is
(12:22):
As a coach, I get to be here as a spacewhere we, I mean, magic happens.
And the magic is that in this space, youget clearer and clearer and clearer about
what you actually want.
You get clearer and clearer and clearerthat you've known all along.
(12:42):
You get clearer and clearer and clearerthat you don't need me in your life.
And you can stay in my life because it'sfun.
But y 'all, it's if you don't trust meyet, stick with me.
At some point, I believe you will.
So let's talk about this coaching thingbecause that's also something that I get a
lot of questions about is what is a coach?
(13:03):
What do you do?
What's a life coach?
So let's bring it to sports because Ithink that's where we understand coaching
the most is related to sports.
Now, if you are an athlete who has acoach, can you see that the coach is on
the sidelines?
The coach can help you at your skills.
The coach can give you plays, but as anathlete,
(13:25):
you are skilled and badass as an athleteon your own.
The coach can enhance your plays.
The coach can give you perspective aboutwhat you might not be able to see on the
other team.
But ultimately, the coach is there tosupport you in playing the best game
(13:45):
possible for you and the team.
So let's bring this to life.
A life coach does just that.
I get to support you on the game.
And if this, in this case, the game islife.
on this game that you want to play?
First of all, what game do you want toplay?
(14:06):
And by what rules?
What rules are we playing by?
And how do you win this game of life ofyours?
And how do you want to play?
Who do you want to play with?
What role or positions do you want toplay?
And once we start to elaborate and toclarify those things, it's a go.
(14:29):
because somehow I am better at doing thishuman thing than you are.
That's just not the case.
It's because I have a differentperspective because I am not living your
life.
And because of that, because I have somesort of separation,
There are other things that I can see.
(14:49):
Because I've had this conversation,possibly, many, many, many times, there's
a different clarity or a differentperspective that I can bring.
Ooh, let's do a rock climbing analogy.
Y 'all Cielle at 14 loved her rockclimbing.
So we are all in this analogy climbing amountain that is life.
(15:10):
Now, when you are climbing, we are againstthe rock face.
We don't get to see much that is aroundother than our holds.
Right?
We got this hold.
How am I going to get this hold?
How do I make sure that I don't tiremyself out so that I can actually keep
climbing this mountain?
Now, most of us, when we're climbing amountain in rock climbing, we have
(15:33):
somebody who's belaying us, somebody who'son the ground and they have the ropes and
they're supporting us.
Think of the coach as the belayer in thisanalogy.
So let's say I'm on the floor, I'm on theground and I'm belaying you and you are up
against this rock.
face, I am able to see because I am at adifferent vantage point that there may be
(15:57):
a foothold for you right by your leftknee.
And you can't see it again because you areagainst the rock face and there's no way
that you can see it from your perspective.
But because I'm at a different vantagepoint, I can see it.
And I can offer that as a suggestion andsay, try, it looks like there is a hold by
(16:20):
your knee.
on the left side.
Try it out and see if that works for you.
Does that belittle or discount the skillthat you have in climbing your own damn
mountain?
Absolutely not.
It gives you a choice.
Something that's out of your periphery tosay, let me try it.
Maybe that'll work.
(16:40):
And as you move your foot up towards yourknee, you can see, can I handle it?
Does this actually work?
Yes, it does keep climbing.
no, that actually doesn't work.
It's at a weird angle.
Perhaps it's not a hold at all.
And it's a freaking beetle.
but that's the role of the coach.
Encourager, cheerleader from the ground,somebody who can see different
(17:04):
perspectives.
Maybe they have a knowledge base.
Maybe they've climbed this mountain 70times.
And so then you can use their knowledgebase to climb this mountain and they know
where the holds are.
Awesome.
Maybe they've climbed mountains like this70 million times and can provide you that
kind of information.
No matter what though, you're still theone.
(17:26):
who's climbing the mountain.
And we are here to support you in doingthat.
Of course, if you have any other questionsabout coaching, you can always ask me and
I will answer.
So let's go back to the initial question.
How am I supposed to know what's right?
How am I supposed to do this life right?
How am I supposed to make the rightdecisions for me?
(17:50):
Let's talk about the word right.
Yes, I'm still an English professor atheart, y 'all.
So the definition currently of the wordright tends to mean what is correct, to
live life correctly or in an acceptablemanner.
to which I would respond, well, who getsto decide what is correct?
(18:12):
Who gets to decide what is acceptable?
If we actually go back to the origin ofthe word right, it's linked to moral
conformity.
It's about conforming to moral standards
creating a standard according to morallaw.
(18:32):
Again, I ask, who's standard?
So perhaps you do want to use otherpeople's standards as the way to model
your life.
Please know that you are using otherpeople's standards to do that and that it
is a conscious choice to do so.
Many of you, I will just say, I can't evensay the word conform without freaking out.
(18:57):
My whole being is like, you will notconform.
So y 'all just know that that's who I amand that's part of me.
Some of y 'all will be like, conform towhat?
In which case, I get to ask you, who'sstandard?
And we are allowed to create our ownstandards.
(19:20):
Y 'all, those moral laws and thosestandards and conformity and society and
these rules, they were created by someone.
They may have been 100 or thousands ofyears ago.
They were created by humans.
Which means that because you are alsohuman, you could actually create them too.
(19:41):
Yes, I get passionate about this.
And here's where it can get wonky,especially young adults when we're trying
to make decisions for ourselves and we arelooking to people who we tend to trust to
say, what do I do here?
And they come out with a societal rule ora societal standard as an absolute that's
(20:05):
like, this is the way that it is done.
And so we start to feel, shit, I guess Igotta do it this way.
Sometimes we know it's not the right wayfor us.
Now here's what I know to be true with allof the people that I know and speak with
(20:26):
is that we fundamentally want to live ourmost fulfilling, most personally
meaningful lives possible.
If we didn't, you wouldn't be here.
If you didn't, you wouldn't care aboutmaking the right choices.
The intention behind making the rightchoices is an amazing one.
(20:48):
It's that we wanna do this life well.
We want to get to the end of our lives andsay, woo, what a ride, that was awesome.
Many people say that they don't wanna livewith regret.
They wanna get to the end again and say,
I did it just the way.
I'm thinking Frank Sinatra.
(21:09):
I did it my way.
And it felt really good.
Ooh, that probably got high pitched.
I wonder if y 'all heard that.
How do we begin to do this?
one way is that we can begin to trust whatis right for us, meaning we create our
standards.
We say what feels good.
(21:32):
We start to say what is correct for us.
And this will not always be easy becausewhen we make a decision, a lot of times we
are going to consider the knowledge basethat is outside of us.
We're going to consider the people whom wetrust.
(21:53):
We're going to, a lot of timesunconsciously, hold by ideals that we've
been brought into based on the culturesthat we have grown up in.
NORMAL!
The issue happens when they conflict.
The issue happens when something insociety says this is the way to do it in
(22:17):
order to be a success and it feels at oddswith what you want to do.
And there's a clash.
because we have been taught to trustothers over ourselves,
We tend to then self -doubt, self-deprecate, be mean to ourselves, like,
(22:39):
why can't you just succumb?
Sometimes we're overwhelmed.
Sometimes we go into paralysis.
Again, normal reactions when we're at oddsand when we are validating that there is
one right way to do it, which is whatsociety says versus the way that we want
to do it.
(23:00):
And we've never tried it out before.
And of course it's going to be freakingscary because we've never done it before.
So our nervous systems and our brains arelike, are we going to survive this thing?
We haven't gone out on our own yet.
We haven't done it this way.
We haven't done it our own way yet.
And so of course we're going to be scaredand fear is going to show up as a
(23:23):
protector to say, are we going to survivethis thing?
And guess what?
You get to say yes.
We are going to survive this thing becauseit is important to me enough to go do it.
So let's do some examples.
What are some things that often get inyoung adults' brains that I hear quite
(23:45):
often?
Ooh, a gap year.
How many of y 'all have not taken a gapyear or decide not to take a break from
school because you believe what societysays, which is if you take a gap year,
you're never gonna go back.
Is that the truth?
Perhaps for some human beings, but does ithave to be the truth for you?
(24:09):
Y 'all, I took a gap year, I took severalgap years.
So between my master's and my doctorate.
So I actually thought I was gonna gothrough my doctorate all at Indiana
University, all in comparative literature,and I freaked out about the dissertation
and everything felt wrong about doing adissertation at that point.
And I made a choice.
(24:29):
Actually, let's go into that choice realquick.
Because I'm making it sound like it waseasy, but it was not easy.
So I was in a lot of turmoil.
And there was a moment where I wassitting, I was sitting next to my brother
and I realized that I was the only personwho decided that I was going to get a
(24:53):
doctorate.
Nobody in the world ever told me that Ineeded to get a doctorate.
I was the one who said I was gonna get adoctorate and I was the one putting
pressure on myself to get the doctorate.
And I realized in that moment,
sitting next to my brother.
Because I was the one who decided I wasgonna get a doctorate, I was also the one
(25:14):
that gets to decide I do not need to doit.
Surprise, surprise.
It was, it felt so magnanimous to be inthat moment.
I remember having it wash over me and Iflipped out and I put my knees, I got so
excited and I turned to my brother and Iwas like, I don't have to do my doctorate.
(25:37):
And he was like, yeah.
And I was like, this has changed my entirelife.
And so it was at that point when Irealized I didn't have to, that I decided
to get a terminal masters, graduated withthat, still went off to go teach in
France, did the things that I love to do.
I at that point didn't know whether or notI was going to complete it or not.
(26:01):
If I was ever going to finish this PhD ordoctorate thing.
And a couple years later,
It felt right to me to go do the thing.
And it was in a different field.
It was an education.
And I was, it came at the perfect timebecause it just so happens that at that
point I decided to get a doctorate ineducation and then I started to run
(26:23):
schools.
And then I decided to focus on teacherleadership and professional development
and shit.
I was actually doing that practically inreal time while I was running the schools.
It worked out.
And because it was important to me,several years later, I decided to go back
for my doctorate and I did it.
(26:45):
And y 'all, even as I was doing mydoctorate, I took breaks.
I took breaks to like run schools and havebabies and stuff.
And I still finished.
It still happened.
And actually, I couldn't even tell you howmany breaks I took.
That's how much of a non -issue it hasbecome.
(27:06):
So yes, sometimes we'll hear somethinglike, don't take a gap year because you'll
never go back.
That is a perspective or an opinionoutside.
Again, think of consultant.
You can say, huh, let me see if thatactually works for me.
trusting that you know yourself best.
(27:28):
Some of you, if it's important enough, youwill come back and do the thing again.
Some of you know that you absolutely needa break because you are so burnt out,
because you are feeling so dead insideabout whatever this thing is.
And perhaps with some rest, with someperspective, with a break, you can then...
(27:51):
Make a choice and a decision that worksfor you that may or may not include what
you're taking a break from.
Some of you may know that a gap year fromschool is a detriment to you.
Some of you may know that you are so goodwith an accountability partner, that you
(28:12):
love being in school, that you are notburnt out by it, and that it'll actually
support you in your endeavors.
Can you see that there are a variety ofperspectives here all related to Gap Year?
And they can work for you or not based on,again, what is important to you, what
(28:37):
you're able to do, where you are in themoment, what your vision is, what your
goals are.
There's a lot of malleable parts.
And just because you don't do it right nowdoesn't mean you're never gonna do it!
Let's do another one, another example.
One that I hear so often related toproductivity and laziness is work hard,
(29:01):
play hard.
Work hard, play hard.
Is that not how our entire corporate worksystem is?
Work hard for 45 years and then play hardfor like two.
It's a little ludicrous, honestly, thiswork hard, play hard.
again, though, depending on thecircumstance, sometimes it does actually
(29:25):
feel really good to get the hard thingsdone or the things that you don't really
wanna do so that you can go play and notworry about it anymore.
If that's your brain.
For people with ADHD and ADD, the workhard, play hard model doesn't work very
well.
(29:46):
A lot of times it's play, play, play,play, work, play, play, play, work, or
work, play, work, play, work, play.
The need to create dopamine while workingneeds to be there.
There needs to be a celebratory dopaminehit in order to continue to work.
So can you see that there are variants?
(30:07):
Again, this thing that society has deemedas successful, the rules, the standards,
this conformity.
is not necessarily true for everyindividual case.
All of this to illustrate that justbecause we have these so -called deemed
(30:31):
right ways to do the world, to do life, todo this adulting thing outside of us, all
these stories and narratives that areinfiltrating our brains, we can...
What did I do?
For those of you listening, I like tookstuff from my brain and threw it away.
(30:56):
We can actually shush that up and say,does that actually fit with me?
Does the gap year model work for me?
Does the work hard, play hard model workfor
So how do I want to end this episode?
Let's end it with this.
(31:18):
amazing coach who a couple years ago askedme this question that broke me.
And it broke me because I realized Ihadn't been doing it in 40 years.
She asked me, what if you treated yourselflike you mattered?
So my friends, I am asking the samequestion of you today.
(31:45):
What if in your life you treated yourselflike you matter?
What if you treated yourself like yourideas mattered equally as much as other
people's ideas?
What if what feels good to you and whatyou want to do matters just as much as
(32:10):
what other people want to do with theirown lives?
What if you could filter all of the noisethat is other people's judgments,
opinions, and advice
through this filter that is they are yourconsultants.
And ultimately you get to say what worksbest for you based on what you want, what
(32:33):
you love, what feels good, what you'recapable of, what's important to you, your
energy levels today, your vision.
And you get to use today.
this moment as your gauge.
We don't know what life is going to looklike in 40 years, 10 years, six months.
(32:56):
But we do know how we feel today.
And we can start to trust that when wemake the steps that feel good and are
based on values and standards that we setfor ourselves because they're important to
us right now.
that that'll then lead us to the nextthing.
(33:18):
And at that point, guess what?
We get to then make new choices based onwhat feels good to us, what's important to
us, and what matters at that point, and soon and so forth.
My friends, thank you so much for beinghere with me today.
I love.
(33:39):
I'm loving this platform so far.
I'm loving being able to speak with youthis way.
Please do connect with me.
I really want to know if you have anyquestions or concerns about anything that
we discuss in these podcasts.
If you have ideas about future podcasts orthings that you want me to elaborate on,
(33:59):
please let me know.
And of course, if there's something thathit you or really helped you, I would
really appreciate knowing
it helps me create next episodes and otherways that I can support you that are
actually valuable to you.
So
Thank you again for being here and I'llsee you at the next episode.
(34:26):
I realize that we are at the beginning ofour podcasting journey together.
However, if you are already excited,already wanting to share this with people
in your lives, already thinking that itwould be beneficial to have these
conversations on a more global scale,there are ways that you could support
(34:46):
that.
The main ways is to like...
follow and subscribe on which everplatform you are watching or listening to
me on.
You could always comment.
I would love to know what you foundhelpful or interesting in any of the
episodes.
And of course, if you have ideas aboutwhat conversations, what topics you would
(35:09):
like to cover in the future, please let meknow.
Again, this podcast is for you.
Other ways that you can find me are onsocial.
So I am on Instagram, TikTok and Facebookat Cielle Amundson.
That is at C I E L L E A M U N D S O N.
(35:32):
Find me there, say hi, let's start aconversation.
And if this is something that you thinkother people in your lives would love to
be a part of, would love to hear, wouldlove to be in conversation with,
please share this with them.
Thank you again and I look forward toseeing you or having you at the next
(35:54):
episode.
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