February 26, 2025 • 35 mins
As a single mother by choice, Lakia Holmes bravely turned to IVF after being diagnosed with infertility, reshaping her life and dreams in unexpected ways. In this laid-back chat with host Lucinda Koza, Lakia opens up about the challenges and triumphs of balancing her career in sports production with the joys of motherhood, all while contemplating her future as a fertility coach. We dive into the societal pressures surrounding motherhood and career paths, the importance of community support, and how Lakia's journey is paving the way for others facing similar struggles. So grab your coffee, kick back, and join us for a heartfelt conversation filled with candid reflections and light-hearted banter that reminds us we’re all just doing our best.
Stepping into the world of single motherhood can feel like diving into the deep end—no floaties and no lifeguard in sight. In this episode, Lakia Holmes opens up about her transformative journey from sports producer to single mother, sharing her heartfelt story of overcoming infertility through IVF and donor sperm. Lakia’s candid reflections on her unexpected path are woven with humor and warmth, as she grapples with the societal pressures and personal challenges that come with raising a child alone. The balancing act of career and motherhood is no easy feat, but Lakia navigates it with grace, humor, and a dash of chaos, revealing her day-to-day realities that resonate with many parents. Beyond her personal narrative, Lakia’s aspirations to become a fertility coach highlight her dedication to uplifting others within the community. This episode beautifully illustrates the power of resilience, the importance of creating supportive networks, and the unique joy of forging one’s own path to parenthood, making it a heartfelt conversation that invites listeners to reflect on their own journeys.
Takeaways:
- Lakia's journey to motherhood highlights the emotional toll of infertility, showcasing the strength it takes to navigate through IVF and donor sperm decisions.
- The balance between a demanding career in sports production and single motherhood reveals the sacrifices and adjustments required in both personal and professional realms.
- Creating a supportive community is essential for both mothers and their children, as it fosters connections and shared experiences, particularly for those navigating similar paths.
- Lakia's transition into fertility coaching illustrates her desire to empower others facing infertility, demonstrating the importance of sharing knowledge and emotional support in the journey to parenthood.
- Societal pressures regarding motherhood often conflict with personal aspirations, leading to feelings of guilt and self-doubt, particularly for women focused on career growth before family.
- The conversation emphasizes that every family is unique, and being honest about one's journey can create a nurturing environment for children, regardless of traditional family structures.
Companies mentioned in this episode:
- Warner Brothers Discovery
- TNT
- MLB
- tbs
- New York Mets
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
All right.
Hi, everyone.
I am Lissa Nicosa and this ishow I ally I want to say welcome
to my guest and would youplease introduce yourself and give
a little backstory.
Hey, thanks for having me.
My name is Lakiya Holmes, momto a nine month old baby girl named
(00:23):
Aila.
Adjusting to this new pain,parenthood, life, the decision to
become a single mom by Choiceback in 20 after being diagnosed
with infertility, which wasnot part of my plan whatsoever.
My plan was to get ahead in mycareer, find the perfect partner,
(00:46):
get married, build the dreamlife, then have the dream baby.
And that completely changed.
And so now here I am justnavigating life as a single mom while
I look forward to the futurewhere I'm working with people who
(01:10):
are dealing with infertilityand just being an ally to men and
women families, LGBTQcommunity, in terms of having access
to great affordablereproductive care and just how to
navigate the world ofinfertility and navigating the options
(01:36):
to build families.
That is beautiful.
Are you changing careers orwhere are you in your career?
I need to know.
Great question.
So currently I am a sportsproducer, so I work for Warner Brothers
Discovery.
(01:56):
So if NBA on TNT or MLB on tbs.
I work for the sports side.
So I work for, I work forWarner Brothers Discovery under TNT
Sports.
So that's been my entire lifeis working in production, working
in television.
I got my undergrad inbroadcast journalism.
I got my master's degree insports management, sports and television.
(02:21):
And just being a creative hasjust been everything.
I've.
The only thing I've known really.
And so now I'm trying tofigure out where I am because I want,
I love what I do.
It's all I know.
But I also feel this pull tobe helpful and to make an impact
(02:45):
based on the experiences thatI went through with my fertility
journey.
So I'm starting like a sidelittle business where I'm starting
as a fertility coach, so justwant to do that.
So I'm starting to takeclients and I'm gonna work with people
one on one, helping themnavigate the fertility journey that
(03:10):
they're on, no matter wherethey are on their journey, and helping
them just with emotionalsupport, helping them learn how to
navigate the financial aspectsof it, because we know that's a huge
part the fertility process,just how to finance fertility treatment,
whether it's IVF, IUI, etc.
(03:34):
So taking a lot of what Ilearned from my journey and helping
them know the questions toask, helping them figure out how
to navigate certain aspectsand Just being a support system.
So that's what I'm doing rightnow, while I still have my nine to
five, while I also take careof an infant.
(03:58):
So it's a lot right now.
It's a little crazy.
It's a little hectic, but itfeels like the right thing to do
at the right time.
It's like a Renaissance periodor something.
It's, like, very hard, but atthe same time, really exciting.
(04:20):
It is.
It's exciting and scary.
And so that's the beautifulthing about it, because after becoming
a mom, it's interesting as mycalendar alerts me that I have therapy
in a few minutes, because thisis my life now.
It's like everything has to becompletely organized in a calendar,
(04:40):
And I need 45 million notifications.
That's.
But that's like real life.
Like, there's.
I'm trying to juggle so much,and that's what makes it fun, interesting,
scary.
But after having a baby, it's also.
I can do all things.
Yeah, you're juggling so much,and it's what's rubber and what's
(05:03):
glass?
What can you afford to drop?
And a lot of times you feellike you can't afford to drop.
A lot of times it feels likethey're all glass and you can't afford
to drop any of them.
But I've had to learn overthese last nine months that not everything
is going to be the way I wantit to be or.
(05:24):
Because I'm very type A, I'mvery much a perfectionist.
Like, I fold my clothes acertain way.
Like, I'm very particular.
And I've had to learn that Ican no longer really be that way
because life just does notafford me that opportunity to stress
about things like that.
(05:44):
Like, my home will never be asmeticulous as it once was.
Was.
And that greats me so much.
But also at the same time,it's like I have to learn to let
go and to embrace.
And so that's just one of thethings that's just been so fascinating
(06:07):
and just about becoming aparent and just having to learn how
to reprioritize certainthings, let certain things go.
I'm a work in progress.
We all are.
I had.
My twins are almost too.
(06:27):
I'm not too far away fromwhere you are.
Oh, you in the trenches?
Yeah.
You're going through it.
I'm going through it.
And I have a boy and a girl,so it's like the.
Whoa.
So, yeah, it's a.
It's such a.
(06:48):
It's such a time I want to askyou about, like when did you.
So you were diagnosed withinfertility and then you made the
decision that you wanted to goahead and go through with ivf, is
that right?
Yes.
(07:09):
Tell me a little bit aboutthat process of decision making.
Was it easy?
Was it quick?
Was it hard?
Was it yes and no.
It was all it was.
So I became full time at myjob in 2020.
And so with becoming fulltime, I had full access to all of
(07:32):
the health benefits and mycompany, Warner Brothers Discovery,
they offer fertility insurance.
So I said, okay, let me take advantage.
So I was what, 37 at the time?
20, 21.
37.
And I said, I know I want tohave kids.
(07:53):
Like I.
That was a non negotiable for me.
I knew I wanted to have kids.
I wasn't completely ready atthe time because I wasn't really
where I wanted to be careerwise, I.
E.
Financially.
And I live in the New York,New Jersey area.
And so dating is a challenge and.
(08:13):
I live there too.
And the struggle, youunderstand the struggle.
And so yeah, I said, okay, I'mjust going to look into freezing
my eggs just as a bonus, justas insurance, have those.
But my plan, my hope was tostill find someone, get married,
(08:37):
get pregnant naturally andstart building a family.
And so it's through theprocess of going through the test
to start the egg freezingprocess, I found out that my fallopian
tubes were blocked.
My.
Yeah.
(08:57):
And so I had about a 2% chanceof getting pregnant naturally.
The doctor said that my bestoption would be through ivf.
And that was the furthestthing from my mind.
And so I started.
Just all these questionsstarted coming to my brain where
(09:19):
I'm just, I'm like, did I waittoo long?
Why?
Why me?
And so I cried a lot those fewdays after because it was just not
part of the plan.
I was going in to go look atfreezing eggs, but it was never my
(09:39):
intention to ever need to use them.
So I just.
It took me about a week or so to.
To come to the decision.
It's, what am I waiting for?
What do I keep waiting for?
My bank account may never bewhere I'd like for it to be to support
(10:01):
having a child.
And what if I never meet theright guy?
It was at that moment I justsaid, I'm just gonna take control
and take charge of my life andmade the decision.
I said, if I'm gonna have togo through IVF anyway, then just
(10:21):
let's just find some donorsperm and let's just see and see
how it goes.
And so, yeah, so I made the decision.
So this was back, like, I wantto say, maybe like, around June,
July 2021.
And then I went in for myfirst egg retrieval in October 2021.
(10:43):
So that was my first retrieval.
I had, at the same time, wasgoing through the process of trying
to find donor sperm, which isa journey in and of itself.
And I took off 2022, just,like, mentally reset.
Take a break.
Because it's a lot.
It's a lot on your body.
(11:03):
It's a lot on you mentally, emotionally.
And then 2023, I found a donorafter being on a waiting list for
another donor for about ninemonths, and then that donor not being
available anymore.
Like I told you, we could do awhole episode just on trying to find
(11:27):
donor sperm.
Okay, I know.
And that is something that Idon't know anything about.
That that's so interesting.
Yeah.
It's a wild process.
So I found a donor in 2023,and then did two more egg retrievals,
spring, summer, 2023, and thendid the embryo transfer in August
(11:48):
2023, and gave birth May 2024.
That's a success story.
Yeah.
I was very lucky, veryblessed, and very humbled by the
process.
(12:08):
Yeah.
I'm, like, starting to getemotional, just, like, reliving everything.
I spent a lot of timethinking, why me?
Why me?
Why me?
There are people around megetting pregnant left and right and
center, seemingly so easily.
And that wasn't the case for me.
(12:29):
I was going to have to gothrough all of this stuff, but I
did it.
Yeah.
You.
Yeah.
And that's what's so amazing,is that you did that.
That was.
It's so hard, and it's so long.
(12:51):
It's like, years long from,like, start to finish.
Yeah.
It's incredible.
I feel like we as womendefinitely spend a period of shame
or feeling shame.
Oh, is it because I work toohard, or is it because I've waited
(13:12):
too long or I let myself getto a certain age or all of that.
Oh, yeah.
I had so many thoughts,questions, doubts, because, again,
it was like, what was Iwaiting so long for?
And then I think about all themoney I spent on birth control that
clearly I did not need.
(13:34):
And then that just pisses meoff even more.
Oh, I know, right?
Because there's, like, one dependent.
Clearly, I didn't really need it.
Oh, God.
But, you know, I.
I crack jokes because that.
I found that cracking jokes alot during that time helped ease
(13:55):
a lot of the pain and thestress and stuff, because it's hard
to beat.
It's very easy to beatyourself up and say, what did I do
wrong?
Had I not waited this long?
And it would be.
It was funny because my momhad me.
My mom had me not long aftershe turned 21.
(14:17):
And so, of course, moms arejust always so ready to become grandparents.
So my mom, a lot of timeswould say, when I was your age, you
were such and such years old.
And I think about it, 37 whenI found out I was going through infertility.
So when my mom was 37, I was,what, 16?
(14:41):
So you have voices like thatin your head, and it just adds to
the stress and just adds tothe pressure.
And then, you know, my momwould be like, you don't need to
be married to have a child.
And I was holding firm.
Yes, I do.
And now look at me.
Yeah.
Yeah.
(15:02):
It's interesting because.
Do you feel like society.
Because you.
Are very educated, you spenttime on your education, you spent
time building a career.
And I feel like there are somany societal messages for young
(15:28):
women that are like, don't getpregnant, get your degree, have a
career.
It's like, in my experience,for so many years, it was like, if
you get pregnant, I'll kill you.
Your life's over.
Then all of a sudden you'relike, wait a second.
(15:53):
Nobody told me that it wasgoing to be hard to get pregnant.
And no one told me that Ishould start this process sooner.
Here's the funny thing, andthis is something I don't talk about
very often.
So.
So I come from Dueling World.
I am Mormon.
(16:15):
I was.
I.
I became a convert to theMormon LDS Church when I was in my
early 20s.
Wow.
And I went to college.
I went to Brigham Young University.
Okay.
One of the things that.
One of the things that drew meto Mormonism was that family aspect.
(16:40):
I didn't have the greatestupbringing, so there was something
about that family unit and theemphasis on family that really drew
me to the church.
Like, 22 years old now goingto Provo, Utah, to BYU.
And everything around me isget married, have children, get married,
(17:06):
have children, get married,get married young, date, have children
young.
All of my roommates incollege, at every phase of my time
at byu, all of my roommateshad all, for the most part, either
gotten married while we werein undergrad and had kids or gotten
married shortly after we graduated.
(17:27):
Literally, I'm like the lastone of my roommates to get married
and have kids or whatever.
And so there was that aspectof it.
But then there was the.
I want to focus on my career.
I want to.
I.
I am a naturally independent person.
I don't want to rely on myspouse's income because a lot of
(17:51):
them.
And that if that's what worksfor them, that's great.
But I had that hope that Iwould get married in college.
But then as I got older, Istarted having experiences that I
wouldn't not have been able tohave had I gotten married so young.
I was able to go to Australiato work for Major League Baseball
(18:11):
for a year.
I was able to have thesecertain experiences, especially working
in sports, where you're notworking a traditional skill schedule.
So while I had that hope andthat desire, I also knew how important
having a career was and howimportant education was to me.
(18:33):
So I was stuck in these two worlds.
Yeah.
But I always place theemphasis on finding out who I am
as a person, building mycareer path, figuring out what I
want to do, do for me first.
And so that made it easy topush things aside, push things back.
(18:54):
And I don't regret that at all.
I'm glad that I'm.
I look at my life and I'm gladthat it worked out the way it did.
I'm glad I was able to haveexperience, experiences I probably
would not have been able tohave had I gotten married at 22,
(19:17):
23 years old, been able tolive life, have experiences, develop
skills, develop as a person.
I'm not the person I am todayat 41 is not the person at 22 at
BYU.
And so I'm glad I was able tonavigate that and not lose myself
(19:41):
in the process.
Yeah, totally.
That's actually.
That's an incredibly skilledway of dealing with both of those
things.
Like, both of those sort ofmessages of it's good to have kids
(20:02):
young and have a family young,but also it's good to build a career.
I feel the same.
I feel like I have lived manylives in a way, because I've been
able to have experiencesbefore having kids.
(20:25):
And then think about, like,all of the stories you're going to
tell your daughter about your life.
Like you have.
You're giving her someone to,like, look up to.
Not that you wouldn't besomeone to look up to if you had
kids when you were 22, butit's nice.
Because I'm able to give her experiences.
(20:47):
So anyone that knows me knowsI love baseball.
Baseball.
I eat, sleep, breathe baseball.
Like I said, I worked in.
I worked for Major LeagueBaseball in Australia for a year.
When I was in undergrad, Iinterned in the commissioner's office.
When I finished grad school,my first job out of grad school was
(21:11):
doing, like a seasonal job for.
In.
In marketing and game dayentertainment for the New York Mets.
So I've been able to build alot of relationships in the industry.
And so everybody that knows meknows that, like, my second home
is Citi Field.
Right.
And Isla was born.
(21:34):
And when she was four monthsold, I took her to her first baseball
game.
And we're sitting like fourthrow on the first baseline.
And just, you know, I had Isla.
People from the Mets who I'vebuilt relationships with, they sent
a care package full of Metsgeek gear, bibs, hats, little stuffed
(21:58):
toys and stuff.
And just congratulating me onhaving the baby and welcoming Isla
to the Mets family.
And those are things that Icherish because I'm able to give
her those experiences.
What four month old is sittingfourth row during.
(22:18):
Yeah.
To her first game in September.
And then I took her to hersecond game.
It was during while the Metswere in the playoffs.
And once again, we're sittinglike third row, first base side.
And.
And these are memories thatI'm building.
(22:39):
Yes.
With her.
These are experiences thatI've been able to cultivate through
my relationships.
And now the.
And I'm turning these intomemories and moments for her.
And that when I look at itthat way, it makes it so worth it.
(23:03):
Because being a woman andbeing a black woman, working in sports,
it's not a lot of us.
And to be able to have mydaughter be like, my mommy did that.
My first assignment when Icame back from maternity leave.
I came back from maternityleave mid September, and my first
(23:27):
assignment off of maternityleave was producing stuff for MLB
Playoffs on tbs.
So here I am trying to jugglehaving a baby, being a new mom, juggling
just returning to work andwhat work is like as a mom.
(23:48):
And I'm handed this heavyassignment to work on baseball playoffs,
and then we're sitting down onthe couch.
The day is done.
I've produced whatever it is Ineeded to produce, and we're sitting
on the couch and she can watchit on TV with me.
And those are things that I'llforever be able to.
(24:13):
To cherish.
And she can look back and belike, my mommy did that.
And it's all been part of thejourney and just does my.
Did my career delay things?
I guess maybe you can saythat, or you can say that everything
happened right on time, theway it should have.
(24:36):
Yeah.
Yep.
I Think so.
I think giving your daughtersuch an example is one of the most
important things.
And that's everything.
That's everything.
I didn't know I was having a daughter.
(24:56):
I didn't choose.
I didn't choose the gender forthe embryos.
They said, do you want to choose?
I said, no, whatever thestrongest one is.
Let God.
Let God die.
But I thought for sure I wasgoing to be a boy mom.
Right.
Wanted a boy first.
I work in sports.
Everybody's, yeah, you'regoing to be a boy mom.
And they're like, it's a girl.
I said, what?
A girl.
(25:18):
What?
Yeah.
So I'm not at all prepared,but now it's.
Yeah, it makes sense.
It makes sense to have a girl.
So it just.
To have to be an example to alittle girl is just the best.
Yeah.
Yeah.
(25:39):
Sometimes I think, oh, mykids, what do they think about me?
Do they think Mommy's at homeall the time, like she does nothing?
But even if they somehow thinkthat now, at some point, they'll
know everything that I've doneand worked on and tried to do, and
(26:05):
that's very important to me,and I think it is to you, too.
And that's just.
It's great.
Yeah.
And that's what is drawing meto want to become a fertility coach
as well, to be that example to Isla.
(26:27):
I'm not gonna get emotional.
Sometimes I talk about myjourney on social media and people
sometimes, not often, butsometimes, people will make very
rude comments.
One person I'll never forgetsaid, basically, said, basically,
(26:54):
called me selfish for bringinga child into the world without a
father.
Just that way I could, quote,fill a void in my life.
Yeah.
Yeah, I know.
And.
And I want.
And I need Isla to know thatmy decision to have her was not merely
(27:22):
to fill a void in my life.
She was more than that.
And that her being here is fora reason.
And that I want other people.
Men, women, single men, singlewomen, LGBTQ people.
(27:48):
I want to be an example toIsla that I did it my way and that
I want to help people do ittheir way as well, and to be that
example that my mommy is outhere doing good work and helping
people achieve their dream ofbeing parents, no matter how it happens.
(28:11):
And that is what inspires methe most, to be able to be an example
and to show her that I'm doinggood in the world, that I'm trying
to make an impact as best as I can.
The sports stuff is.
That's cool.
My mommy gets to go to NBA All Star.
(28:31):
My mommy gets.
Gets to do all this cool stuffin the sports space, but first and
foremost, my mom is helping people.
Yes.
How?
Because I had this experience.
A lot of women I've talked tohave had this experience.
Like, after you go throughsuch a challenge, you have a moment
(28:56):
of, am I doing as much as Ican to.
With my one life?
Am I doing as much as I can toactually do good?
And it's.
It spurs you to start doing more.
(29:19):
Yeah.
And that's.
No matter what any person saysyou're raising the next.
Mothering is, like, the mostessential labor towards creating
(29:40):
a better society.
No matter how you do it, it's great.
It's noble work.
Yeah.
It's not selfish.
No.
And it's not something I.
I take, like, lightly or took lightly.
Making the decision to becomea single mom, that weighed on me
(30:02):
quite a bit because I knew theimpact that would have.
I thought in my mind a milliontimes what that conversation is going
to be like when she comes homefrom, like, pre K or something one
day, and it's like, where's my daddy?
So, yeah, daddy did this.
Where's my daddy?
(30:23):
That's not an easyconversation to have.
It's not.
And I.
I spent a lot of time thinkingabout the impact a conversation like
that could have on her.
But I also plan on beingcompletely honest with her and explaining
to her why I did what I did,that she does have a daddy.
(30:47):
She doesn't know who he is.
She can't see him, but hisspirit is there.
And I'm glad that I've alsobeen able to build a community with
other families that use thesame donor.
No way.
That's awesome.
Yeah.
(31:08):
And that was something thatwas very important to me as well,
so.
Wow.
She has siblings.
We're all, like, in a Facebookgroup together.
We share pictures of eachother's children and updates and
things like that, and we'rebuilding a community together as
(31:28):
parents.
A lot of us are single moms bychoice, and then a lot of them.
A lot of the other parents areof LGBTQ families, couples.
And that's been so importantto me to build that community and
to build that relationship.
(31:50):
So it makes it a little biteasier to have those tough conversations
as she gets older, becauseit's, hey, you have a sibling here.
Here in North Carolina.
You have a sibling in Toronto.
You have sibling in California.
You have that community.
You're not.
You're not alone.
And then when she turns 18,she'll have the option if she wants
(32:15):
to reach out to the donor.
Wow.
So I'm.
That was another thing thatwas important to me is to find a
donor that.
That is willing to beidentified once the child turns 18.
So she has the option.
She can make the outreach ifshe wants to, and then see how it
(32:37):
goes from there if they wantto build a relationship.
So these were all things thatI took into consideration before
I even started the processbecause I knew how important that
would be for her.
So it's.
It's not.
Again, it's not a decisionthat I.
I made lightly.
(32:58):
It's.
It took a lot of thought, alot of introspection, a lot of care
to come to the decision that Icame to.
And I'm glad that I did that,and I'm glad that I took time.
Time to think about all ofthose things ahead of time.
(33:20):
And that's why I talk about myprocess as openly as I did, because
it's not typical, but it's life.
It's real life.
Yeah.
And it.
There are so many kinds offamilies, and there are many families
(33:44):
that have a mother and afather, a heteronormative mother,
father, that don't have agreat childhood experience.
It's not one size fits all.
It's all about being honestand just creating that emotionally
(34:06):
safe environment for your child.
Mm.
Yeah.
That's so key, because, like Isaid before, I did not grow up in
the greatest household myself.
It was just taking a lot ofthe experiences from that and applying
that to being a mom now andjust trying to give her the best
(34:33):
life possible.
That's just beautiful.
And I just find you really admirable.
And I'm gonna get emotional now.
It's just being.
Figuring out what kind of momyou want to be, especially if you
(34:54):
have a daughter, and all of that.
It's just so huge.
And I just.
You're just such a greatexample of the thought that goes
into it.
And thank you for being that.
Thank you.
See, now you're gonna get me.
We can't just be, you know, just.
(35:17):
Out here trying to make eachother cry.
I know.
We gotta stop.
All right.
Hi, everyone.
I am Lissa Nicosa and this ishow I ally I want to say welcome
to my guest and would youplease introduce yourself and give
a little backstory.
Hey, thanks for having me.
My name is Lakiya Holmes, momto a nine month old baby girl named
(00:23):
Aila.
Adjusting to this new pain,parenthood, life, the decision to
become a single mom by Choiceback in 20 after being diagnosed
with infertility, which wasnot part of my plan whatsoever.
My plan was to get ahead in mycareer, find the perfect partner,
(00:46):
get married, build the dreamlife, then have the dream baby.
And that completely changed.
And so now here I am justnavigating life as a single mom while
I look forward to the futurewhere I'm working with people who
(01:10):
are dealing with infertilityand just being an ally to men and
women families, LGBTQcommunity, in terms of having access
to great affordablereproductive care and just how to
navigate the world ofinfertility and navigating the options
(01:36):
to build families.
That is beautiful.
Are you changing careers orwhere are you in your career?
I need to know.
Great question.
So currently I am a sportsproducer, so I work for Warner Brothers
Discovery.
(01:56):
So if NBA on TNT or MLB on tbs.
I work for the sports side.
So I work for, I work forWarner Brothers Discovery under TNT
Sports.
So that's been my entire lifeis working in production, working
in television.
I got my undergrad inbroadcast journalism.
I got my master's degree insports management, sports and television.
(02:21):
And just being a creative hasjust been everything.
I've.
The only thing I've known really.
And so now I'm trying tofigure out where I am because I want,
I love what I do.
It's all I know.
But I also feel this pull tobe helpful and to make an impact
(02:45):
based on the experiences thatI went through with my fertility
journey.
So I'm starting like a sidelittle business where I'm starting
as a fertility coach, so justwant to do that.
So I'm starting to takeclients and I'm gonna work with people
one on one, helping themnavigate the fertility journey that
(03:10):
they're on, no matter wherethey are on their journey, and helping
them just with emotionalsupport, helping them learn how to
navigate the financial aspectsof it, because we know that's a huge
part the fertility process,just how to finance fertility treatment,
whether it's IVF, IUI, etc.
(03:34):
So taking a lot of what Ilearned from my journey and helping
them know the questions toask, helping them figure out how
to navigate certain aspectsand Just being a support system.
So that's what I'm doing rightnow, while I still have my nine to
five, while I also take careof an infant.
(03:58):
So it's a lot right now.
It's a little crazy.
It's a little hectic, but itfeels like the right thing to do
at the right time.
It's like a Renaissance periodor something.
It's, like, very hard, but atthe same time, really exciting.
(04:20):
It is.
It's exciting and scary.
And so that's the beautifulthing about it, because after becoming
a mom, it's interesting as mycalendar alerts me that I have therapy
in a few minutes, because thisis my life now.
It's like everything has to becompletely organized in a calendar,
(04:40):
And I need 45 million notifications.
That's.
But that's like real life.
Like, there's.
I'm trying to juggle so much,and that's what makes it fun, interesting,
scary.
But after having a baby, it's also.
I can do all things.
Yeah, you're juggling so much,and it's what's rubber and what's
(05:03):
glass?
What can you afford to drop?
And a lot of times you feellike you can't afford to drop.
A lot of times it feels likethey're all glass and you can't afford
to drop any of them.
But I've had to learn overthese last nine months that not everything
is going to be the way I wantit to be or.
(05:24):
Because I'm very type A, I'mvery much a perfectionist.
Like, I fold my clothes acertain way.
Like, I'm very particular.
And I've had to learn that Ican no longer really be that way
because life just does notafford me that opportunity to stress
about things like that.
(05:44):
Like, my home will never be asmeticulous as it once was.
Was.
And that greats me so much.
But also at the same time,it's like I have to learn to let
go and to embrace.
And so that's just one of thethings that's just been so fascinating
(06:07):
and just about becoming aparent and just having to learn how
to reprioritize certainthings, let certain things go.
I'm a work in progress.
We all are.
I had.
My twins are almost too.
(06:27):
I'm not too far away fromwhere you are.
Oh, you in the trenches?
Yeah.
You're going through it.
I'm going through it.
And I have a boy and a girl,so it's like the.
Whoa.
So, yeah, it's a.
It's such a.
(06:48):
It's such a time I want to askyou about, like when did you.
So you were diagnosed withinfertility and then you made the
decision that you wanted to goahead and go through with ivf, is
that right?
Yes.
(07:09):
Tell me a little bit aboutthat process of decision making.
Was it easy?
Was it quick?
Was it hard?
Was it yes and no.
It was all it was.
So I became full time at myjob in 2020.
And so with becoming fulltime, I had full access to all of
(07:32):
the health benefits and mycompany, Warner Brothers Discovery,
they offer fertility insurance.
So I said, okay, let me take advantage.
So I was what, 37 at the time?
20, 21.
37.
And I said, I know I want tohave kids.
(07:53):
Like I.
That was a non negotiable for me.
I knew I wanted to have kids.
I wasn't completely ready atthe time because I wasn't really
where I wanted to be careerwise, I.
E.
Financially.
And I live in the New York,New Jersey area.
And so dating is a challenge and.
(08:13):
I live there too.
And the struggle, youunderstand the struggle.
And so yeah, I said, okay, I'mjust going to look into freezing
my eggs just as a bonus, justas insurance, have those.
But my plan, my hope was tostill find someone, get married,
(08:37):
get pregnant naturally andstart building a family.
And so it's through theprocess of going through the test
to start the egg freezingprocess, I found out that my fallopian
tubes were blocked.
My.
Yeah.
(08:57):
And so I had about a 2% chanceof getting pregnant naturally.
The doctor said that my bestoption would be through ivf.
And that was the furthestthing from my mind.
And so I started.
Just all these questionsstarted coming to my brain where
(09:19):
I'm just, I'm like, did I waittoo long?
Why?
Why me?
And so I cried a lot those fewdays after because it was just not
part of the plan.
I was going in to go look atfreezing eggs, but it was never my
(09:39):
intention to ever need to use them.
So I just.
It took me about a week or so to.
To come to the decision.
It's, what am I waiting for?
What do I keep waiting for?
My bank account may never bewhere I'd like for it to be to support
(10:01):
having a child.
And what if I never meet theright guy?
It was at that moment I justsaid, I'm just gonna take control
and take charge of my life andmade the decision.
I said, if I'm gonna have togo through IVF anyway, then just
(10:21):
let's just find some donorsperm and let's just see and see
how it goes.
And so, yeah, so I made the decision.
So this was back, like, I wantto say, maybe like, around June,
July 2021.
And then I went in for myfirst egg retrieval in October 2021.
(10:43):
So that was my first retrieval.
I had, at the same time, wasgoing through the process of trying
to find donor sperm, which isa journey in and of itself.
And I took off 2022, just,like, mentally reset.
Take a break.
Because it's a lot.
It's a lot on your body.
(11:03):
It's a lot on you mentally, emotionally.
And then 2023, I found a donorafter being on a waiting list for
another donor for about ninemonths, and then that donor not being
available anymore.
Like I told you, we could do awhole episode just on trying to find
(11:27):
donor sperm.
Okay, I know.
And that is something that Idon't know anything about.
That that's so interesting.
Yeah.
It's a wild process.
So I found a donor in 2023,and then did two more egg retrievals,
spring, summer, 2023, and thendid the embryo transfer in August
(11:48):
2023, and gave birth May 2024.
That's a success story.
Yeah.
I was very lucky, veryblessed, and very humbled by the
process.
(12:08):
Yeah.
I'm, like, starting to getemotional, just, like, reliving everything.
I spent a lot of timethinking, why me?
Why me?
Why me?
There are people around megetting pregnant left and right and
center, seemingly so easily.
And that wasn't the case for me.
(12:29):
I was going to have to gothrough all of this stuff, but I
did it.
Yeah.
You.
Yeah.
And that's what's so amazing,is that you did that.
That was.
It's so hard, and it's so long.
(12:51):
It's like, years long from,like, start to finish.
Yeah.
It's incredible.
I feel like we as womendefinitely spend a period of shame
or feeling shame.
Oh, is it because I work toohard, or is it because I've waited
(13:12):
too long or I let myself getto a certain age or all of that.
Oh, yeah.
I had so many thoughts,questions, doubts, because, again,
it was like, what was Iwaiting so long for?
And then I think about all themoney I spent on birth control that
clearly I did not need.
(13:34):
And then that just pisses meoff even more.
Oh, I know, right?
Because there's, like, one dependent.
Clearly, I didn't really need it.
Oh, God.
But, you know, I.
I crack jokes because that.
I found that cracking jokes alot during that time helped ease
(13:55):
a lot of the pain and thestress and stuff, because it's hard
to beat.
It's very easy to beatyourself up and say, what did I do
wrong?
Had I not waited this long?
And it would be.
It was funny because my momhad me.
My mom had me not long aftershe turned 21.
(14:17):
And so, of course, moms arejust always so ready to become grandparents.
So my mom, a lot of timeswould say, when I was your age, you
were such and such years old.
And I think about it, 37 whenI found out I was going through infertility.
So when my mom was 37, I was,what, 16?
(14:41):
So you have voices like thatin your head, and it just adds to
the stress and just adds tothe pressure.
And then, you know, my momwould be like, you don't need to
be married to have a child.
And I was holding firm.
Yes, I do.
And now look at me.
Yeah.
Yeah.
(15:02):
It's interesting because.
Do you feel like society.
Because you.
Are very educated, you spenttime on your education, you spent
time building a career.
And I feel like there are somany societal messages for young
(15:28):
women that are like, don't getpregnant, get your degree, have a
career.
It's like, in my experience,for so many years, it was like, if
you get pregnant, I'll kill you.
Your life's over.
Then all of a sudden you'relike, wait a second.
(15:53):
Nobody told me that it wasgoing to be hard to get pregnant.
And no one told me that Ishould start this process sooner.
Here's the funny thing, andthis is something I don't talk about
very often.
So.
So I come from Dueling World.
I am Mormon.
(16:15):
I was.
I.
I became a convert to theMormon LDS Church when I was in my
early 20s.
Wow.
And I went to college.
I went to Brigham Young University.
Okay.
One of the things that.
One of the things that drew meto Mormonism was that family aspect.
(16:40):
I didn't have the greatestupbringing, so there was something
about that family unit and theemphasis on family that really drew
me to the church.
Like, 22 years old now goingto Provo, Utah, to BYU.
And everything around me isget married, have children, get married,
(17:06):
have children, get married,get married young, date, have children
young.
All of my roommates incollege, at every phase of my time
at byu, all of my roommateshad all, for the most part, either
gotten married while we werein undergrad and had kids or gotten
married shortly after we graduated.
(17:27):
Literally, I'm like the lastone of my roommates to get married
and have kids or whatever.
And so there was that aspectof it.
But then there was the.
I want to focus on my career.
I want to.
I.
I am a naturally independent person.
I don't want to rely on myspouse's income because a lot of
(17:51):
them.
And that if that's what worksfor them, that's great.
But I had that hope that Iwould get married in college.
But then as I got older, Istarted having experiences that I
wouldn't not have been able tohave had I gotten married so young.
I was able to go to Australiato work for Major League Baseball
(18:11):
for a year.
I was able to have thesecertain experiences, especially working
in sports, where you're notworking a traditional skill schedule.
So while I had that hope andthat desire, I also knew how important
having a career was and howimportant education was to me.
(18:33):
So I was stuck in these two worlds.
Yeah.
But I always place theemphasis on finding out who I am
as a person, building mycareer path, figuring out what I
want to do, do for me first.
And so that made it easy topush things aside, push things back.
(18:54):
And I don't regret that at all.
I'm glad that I'm.
I look at my life and I'm gladthat it worked out the way it did.
I'm glad I was able to haveexperience, experiences I probably
would not have been able tohave had I gotten married at 22,
(19:17):
23 years old, been able tolive life, have experiences, develop
skills, develop as a person.
I'm not the person I am todayat 41 is not the person at 22 at
BYU.
And so I'm glad I was able tonavigate that and not lose myself
(19:41):
in the process.
Yeah, totally.
That's actually.
That's an incredibly skilledway of dealing with both of those
things.
Like, both of those sort ofmessages of it's good to have kids
(20:02):
young and have a family young,but also it's good to build a career.
I feel the same.
I feel like I have lived manylives in a way, because I've been
able to have experiencesbefore having kids.
(20:25):
And then think about, like,all of the stories you're going to
tell your daughter about your life.
Like you have.
You're giving her someone to,like, look up to.
Not that you wouldn't besomeone to look up to if you had
kids when you were 22, butit's nice.
Because I'm able to give her experiences.
(20:47):
So anyone that knows me knowsI love baseball.
Baseball.
I eat, sleep, breathe baseball.
Like I said, I worked in.
I worked for Major LeagueBaseball in Australia for a year.
When I was in undergrad, Iinterned in the commissioner's office.
When I finished grad school,my first job out of grad school was
(21:11):
doing, like a seasonal job for.
In.
In marketing and game dayentertainment for the New York Mets.
So I've been able to build alot of relationships in the industry.
And so everybody that knows meknows that, like, my second home
is Citi Field.
Right.
And Isla was born.
(21:34):
And when she was four monthsold, I took her to her first baseball
game.
And we're sitting like fourthrow on the first baseline.
And just, you know, I had Isla.
People from the Mets who I'vebuilt relationships with, they sent
a care package full of Metsgeek gear, bibs, hats, little stuffed
(21:58):
toys and stuff.
And just congratulating me onhaving the baby and welcoming Isla
to the Mets family.
And those are things that Icherish because I'm able to give
her those experiences.
What four month old is sittingfourth row during.
(22:18):
Yeah.
To her first game in September.
And then I took her to hersecond game.
It was during while the Metswere in the playoffs.
And once again, we're sittinglike third row, first base side.
And.
And these are memories thatI'm building.
(22:39):
Yes.
With her.
These are experiences thatI've been able to cultivate through
my relationships.
And now the.
And I'm turning these intomemories and moments for her.
And that when I look at itthat way, it makes it so worth it.
(23:03):
Because being a woman andbeing a black woman, working in sports,
it's not a lot of us.
And to be able to have mydaughter be like, my mommy did that.
My first assignment when Icame back from maternity leave.
I came back from maternityleave mid September, and my first
(23:27):
assignment off of maternityleave was producing stuff for MLB
Playoffs on tbs.
So here I am trying to jugglehaving a baby, being a new mom, juggling
just returning to work andwhat work is like as a mom.
(23:48):
And I'm handed this heavyassignment to work on baseball playoffs,
and then we're sitting down onthe couch.
The day is done.
I've produced whatever it is Ineeded to produce, and we're sitting
on the couch and she can watchit on TV with me.
And those are things that I'llforever be able to.
(24:13):
To cherish.
And she can look back and belike, my mommy did that.
And it's all been part of thejourney and just does my.
Did my career delay things?
I guess maybe you can saythat, or you can say that everything
happened right on time, theway it should have.
(24:36):
Yeah.
Yep.
I Think so.
I think giving your daughtersuch an example is one of the most
important things.
And that's everything.
That's everything.
I didn't know I was having a daughter.
(24:56):
I didn't choose.
I didn't choose the gender forthe embryos.
They said, do you want to choose?
I said, no, whatever thestrongest one is.
Let God.
Let God die.
But I thought for sure I wasgoing to be a boy mom.
Right.
Wanted a boy first.
I work in sports.
Everybody's, yeah, you'regoing to be a boy mom.
And they're like, it's a girl.
I said, what?
A girl.
(25:18):
What?
Yeah.
So I'm not at all prepared,but now it's.
Yeah, it makes sense.
It makes sense to have a girl.
So it just.
To have to be an example to alittle girl is just the best.
Yeah.
Yeah.
(25:39):
Sometimes I think, oh, mykids, what do they think about me?
Do they think Mommy's at homeall the time, like she does nothing?
But even if they somehow thinkthat now, at some point, they'll
know everything that I've doneand worked on and tried to do, and
(26:05):
that's very important to me,and I think it is to you, too.
And that's just.
It's great.
Yeah.
And that's what is drawing meto want to become a fertility coach
as well, to be that example to Isla.
(26:27):
I'm not gonna get emotional.
Sometimes I talk about myjourney on social media and people
sometimes, not often, butsometimes, people will make very
rude comments.
One person I'll never forgetsaid, basically, said, basically,
(26:54):
called me selfish for bringinga child into the world without a
father.
Just that way I could, quote,fill a void in my life.
Yeah.
Yeah, I know.
And.
And I want.
And I need Isla to know thatmy decision to have her was not merely
(27:22):
to fill a void in my life.
She was more than that.
And that her being here is fora reason.
And that I want other people.
Men, women, single men, singlewomen, LGBTQ people.
(27:48):
I want to be an example toIsla that I did it my way and that
I want to help people do ittheir way as well, and to be that
example that my mommy is outhere doing good work and helping
people achieve their dream ofbeing parents, no matter how it happens.
(28:11):
And that is what inspires methe most, to be able to be an example
and to show her that I'm doinggood in the world, that I'm trying
to make an impact as best as I can.
The sports stuff is.
That's cool.
My mommy gets to go to NBA All Star.
(28:31):
My mommy gets.
Gets to do all this cool stuffin the sports space, but first and
foremost, my mom is helping people.
Yes.
How?
Because I had this experience.
A lot of women I've talked tohave had this experience.
Like, after you go throughsuch a challenge, you have a moment
(28:56):
of, am I doing as much as Ican to.
With my one life?
Am I doing as much as I can toactually do good?
And it's.
It spurs you to start doing more.
(29:19):
Yeah.
And that's.
No matter what any person saysyou're raising the next.
Mothering is, like, the mostessential labor towards creating
(29:40):
a better society.
No matter how you do it, it's great.
It's noble work.
Yeah.
It's not selfish.
No.
And it's not something I.
I take, like, lightly or took lightly.
Making the decision to becomea single mom, that weighed on me
(30:02):
quite a bit because I knew theimpact that would have.
I thought in my mind a milliontimes what that conversation is going
to be like when she comes homefrom, like, pre K or something one
day, and it's like, where's my daddy?
So, yeah, daddy did this.
Where's my daddy?
(30:23):
That's not an easyconversation to have.
It's not.
And I.
I spent a lot of time thinkingabout the impact a conversation like
that could have on her.
But I also plan on beingcompletely honest with her and explaining
to her why I did what I did,that she does have a daddy.
(30:47):
She doesn't know who he is.
She can't see him, but hisspirit is there.
And I'm glad that I've alsobeen able to build a community with
other families that use thesame donor.
No way.
That's awesome.
Yeah.
(31:08):
And that was something thatwas very important to me as well,
so.
Wow.
She has siblings.
We're all, like, in a Facebookgroup together.
We share pictures of eachother's children and updates and
things like that, and we'rebuilding a community together as
(31:28):
parents.
A lot of us are single moms bychoice, and then a lot of them.
A lot of the other parents areof LGBTQ families, couples.
And that's been so importantto me to build that community and
to build that relationship.
(31:50):
So it makes it a little biteasier to have those tough conversations
as she gets older, becauseit's, hey, you have a sibling here.
Here in North Carolina.
You have a sibling in Toronto.
You have sibling in California.
You have that community.
You're not.
You're not alone.
And then when she turns 18,she'll have the option if she wants
(32:15):
to reach out to the donor.
Wow.
So I'm.
That was another thing thatwas important to me is to find a
donor that.
That is willing to beidentified once the child turns 18.
So she has the option.
She can make the outreach ifshe wants to, and then see how it
(32:37):
goes from there if they wantto build a relationship.
So these were all things thatI took into consideration before
I even started the processbecause I knew how important that
would be for her.
So it's.
It's not.
Again, it's not a decisionthat I.
I made lightly.
(32:58):
It's.
It took a lot of thought, alot of introspection, a lot of care
to come to the decision that Icame to.
And I'm glad that I did that,and I'm glad that I took time.
Time to think about all ofthose things ahead of time.
(33:20):
And that's why I talk about myprocess as openly as I did, because
it's not typical, but it's life.
It's real life.
Yeah.
And it.
There are so many kinds offamilies, and there are many families
(33:44):
that have a mother and afather, a heteronormative mother,
father, that don't have agreat childhood experience.
It's not one size fits all.
It's all about being honestand just creating that emotionally
(34:06):
safe environment for your child.
Mm.
Yeah.
That's so key, because, like Isaid before, I did not grow up in
the greatest household myself.
It was just taking a lot ofthe experiences from that and applying
that to being a mom now andjust trying to give her the best
(34:33):
life possible.
That's just beautiful.
And I just find you really admirable.
And I'm gonna get emotional now.
It's just being.
Figuring out what kind of momyou want to be, especially if you
(34:54):
have a daughter, and all of that.
It's just so huge.
And I just.
You're just such a greatexample of the thought that goes
into it.
And thank you for being that.
Thank you.
See, now you're gonna get me.
We can't just be, you know, just.
(35:17):
Out here trying to make eachother cry.
I know.
We gotta stop.
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