Ep 13: The Holidays - Keeping The Spark Alive!

In this episode of 'Intimacy After,' host Queen discusses the challenges of maintaining intimacy during the hectic holiday season. She shares relatable anecdotes and offers five actionable steps to help couples and individuals rekindle their connections. Tune in for tips on creating micro moments of connection, prioritizing quality time, setting boundaries, scheduling intimacy, and practicing self-care. Learn how to navigate holiday stress while keeping the spark alive in your relationship.

00:00 Welcome to Intimacy After 01:08 Holiday Intimacy Challenges 02:02 Real-Life Examples and Struggles 03:01 Barriers to Connection 08:14 Actionable Tips for Rekindling Intimacy 10:46 Setting Boundaries and Prioritizing Intimacy 12:45 Creating Intimate Traditions 15:23 Prioritizing Self-Care 17:06 Reflecting and Setting Intentions 18:52 Final Thoughts and Farewell

Episode Transcript

(00:05):
Hello and welcome.
.999This is Intimacy After, a podcast for mature women facing intimacy issues from various causes.
Please know you are not alone.
It is time to stop suffering in silence.
On this podcast, we give hope that through practice of simple steps and proven tips, you can improve intimacy and resurrect your love life.

(00:33):
Break free, learn to laugh again, to play again, to be happy, to love and know that you are loved.
I am your host, Queen.
Come on inside. 9 00:00:49,197.755102041 --> 00:00:51,717.755102041 Hello and welcome inside. 10 00:00:52,137.755102041 --> 00:00:53,817.755102041 Happy Holidays to you. 11 00:00:53,827.755102041 --> 00:00:56,707.755102041 Merry Christmas and Happy New Year's. 12 00:00:56,747.755102041 --> 00:01:00,97.754102041 Listeners, thank you, thank you for tuning in. 13 00:01:00,387.754102041 --> 00:01:06,407.754102041 As you know, here we dive into all things love, connection, and intimacy. 14 00:01:06,657.755102041 --> 00:01:07,777.755102041 And today is no different. 15 00:01:08,467.755102041 --> 00:01:13,487.755102041 We are going to be focusing on something so many of you may be experiencing right now. 16 00:01:13,977.755102041 --> 00:01:17,497.755102041 The challenges of intimacy during the holiday season. 17 00:01:17,507.755102041 --> 00:01:19,207.755102041 Yeah, sister friends. 18 00:01:19,517.755102041 --> 00:01:24,707.754102041 The holidays are often painted as a time full of joy, love, and connection. 19 00:01:25,67.755102041 --> 00:01:26,207.755102041 But let's be real. 20 00:01:26,667.755102041 --> 00:01:39,842.755102041 How many of you have felt overwhelmed this time of year, like intimacy is quietly slipping to the bottom of your priority list, right? During the holidays, there's so much going on. 21 00:01:40,232.75510204 --> 00:01:52,42.75510204 There's the financial pressure of buying gifts, the emotional labor of planning family gatherings, and let's not forget, the literal labor of cleaning and decorating the home. 22 00:01:53,312.75510204 --> 00:02:01,702.75510204 All these can accumulate, leaving you feeling too drained for romantic endeavors or deep conversations. 23 00:02:02,952.75510204 --> 00:02:07,652.75410204 Let's take Michaela and Tom, for example, a couple from Chicago. 24 00:02:07,932.75510204 --> 00:02:15,907.65510204 They found themselves so caught up in holiday preparations and attending back to back parties that they hardly had any time to rest. 25 00:02:16,47.75510204 --> 00:02:24,177.75510204 Any quiet moments together, the intimacy they once shared seem like a distant memory by New Year's Eve. 26 00:02:24,717.75410204 --> 00:02:26,877.75410204 The story is not unique. 27 00:02:27,57.75510204 --> 00:02:29,247.75510204 It resonates with many. 28 00:02:29,467.75410204 --> 00:02:41,237.75510204 So whether you're juggling a mile long to do list, dealing with complicated family dynamics, or feeling the inevitable pressure to make everything Perfect. 29 00:02:41,657.75510204 --> 00:02:43,77.75510204 I see you sister friend. 30 00:02:43,77.75510204 --> 00:02:44,607.75510204 You know, I'm talking to you. 31 00:02:44,967.75510204 --> 00:03:00,747.75510204 The holidays can stretch your emotional and mental bandwidth and let's face it, when life gets overwhelming, deep connection with your partner or yourself can feel like the first thing to go. 32 00:03:01,297.75510204 --> 00:03:02,217.75510204 But here's the thing. 33 00:03:03,292.75510204 --> 00:03:05,782.75510204 Intimacy doesn't need to take a back seat. 34 00:03:06,192.75510204 --> 00:03:23,782.65510204 In today's episode, we're digging into the barriers to connection during this hectic season, sharing relatable real world examples, and of course, offering a few actionable tips to help you rekindle intimacy, not just with your partner, but with your partner. 35 00:03:24,12.75510204 --> 00:03:29,992.75510204 But also with yourself during the holiday season and beyond. 36 00:03:31,172.75510204 --> 00:03:35,492.75510204 But here's the thing, intimacy doesn't need to take a back seat, you know. 37 00:03:36,112.75510204 --> 00:03:50,882.75510204 In today's episode, we're digging into barriers to connection during this hectic season, sharing relatable real world examples, and of course, offering actionable tips to help you rekindle intimacy. 38 00:03:51,397.75510204 --> 00:03:57,767.75510204 Not just with your partner, but also with yourself during the holidays and beyond. 39 00:03:58,857.75510204 --> 00:04:12,317.75510204 So grab a warm drink, settle in and let's get real about staying connected during what can feel like the most chaotic time of the year. 40 00:04:14,807.75510204 --> 00:04:27,652.75510204 So why exactly is intimacy such a struggle this time of year? For starters, let's talk about the sheer volume of everything that's happening in your life right now. 41 00:04:28,112.75510204 --> 00:04:44,262.75510204 There are gifts to buy, meals to plan, relatives or friends to entertain, holiday cards to write, school events to attend, and Oh, and maybe a work deadline or two that decided to crash the party. 42 00:04:44,632.75510204 --> 00:04:46,152.75510204 That's a lot, sister friends. 43 00:04:46,152.75510204 --> 00:04:47,712.75510204 That's just a lot going on. 44 00:04:47,762.75510204 --> 00:04:56,922.75410204 So it's easy to see how all of this can leave you feeling like you barely have time for yourself let alone your hubby. 45 00:04:57,882.75410204 --> 00:05:01,172.75410204 I want you to ask yourself one honest question. 46 00:05:02,592.75510204 --> 00:05:30,882.75510204 When's the last time you and your partner sat down to have a meaningful conversation without checking your phones, worrying about wrapping paper running out, or mentally calculating how many mashed potatoes you need to make? For example, Emily, a listener of the podcast, reached out and told me about her situation from last year, which she hopes you don't have to repeat again this year. 47 00:05:31,877.75510204 --> 00:05:33,967.75510204 She shared that every December. 48 00:05:34,917.75510204 --> 00:06:03,477.75410204 Her and her hubby, a couple who normally can't go a day without talking about work, life, friends, get stuck in this cycle where they barely connect Between Emily's job in retail, which is overwhelming during the holidays, and her hobby, endless tasks in the finance business, and organizing family visits, gifts, and so much more, their emotional reserves were dried up. 49 00:06:04,247.75510204 --> 00:06:12,287.75410204 By the time they hit Christmas Eve, they were both frustrated and disconnected, despite loving each other deeply. 50 00:06:12,832.75510204 --> 00:06:28,432.75410204 Sound familiar? The pressure to create the perfect holiday can leave you feeling drained, resentful, and impatient, which, as you know by now, are intimacy's worst enemies. 51 00:06:29,522.75510204 --> 00:06:30,502.75510204 But here's the thing. 52 00:06:30,922.75410204 --> 00:06:35,682.75510204 It's not just external factors, you know, that pull you away from intimacy. 53 00:06:36,42.75510204 --> 00:06:39,2.75510204 There's also an internal battle going on. 54 00:06:39,482.75510204 --> 00:06:43,652.75510204 Maybe some of you wrestle with feelings of unworthiness this time of year. 55 00:06:44,762.75510204 --> 00:07:06,72.75510204 Maybe you're thinking, am I doing enough? Am I living up to expectations set by others and expectations set by myself? Sister Fran, those feelings can make it harder to be vulnerable with your partner or even open up to receiving love from them. 56 00:07:06,592.75510204 --> 00:07:15,892.75510204 You may find yourself snapping at your partner over small things like who forgot to buy gift wrap or who left the cupboard in the kitchen open. 57 00:07:16,512.75510204 --> 00:07:22,592.75510204 Feeling resentful that you're shouldering more of the holiday chores than your partner. 58 00:07:23,672.75510204 --> 00:07:38,812.75510204 Mark from Toronto, thanks for listening Mark, shared with me how he felt neglected when his partner, Julia, was constantly busy baking for holiday sales, leaving them with no quality time. 59 00:07:39,757.75510204 --> 00:07:49,317.75510204 This tension can lead to a disconnect where instead of feeling supported, you feel alone during what's supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year. 60 00:07:50,377.75510204 --> 00:07:51,957.75510204 The bottom line is this. 61 00:07:52,797.75410204 --> 00:07:59,527.75510204 If you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed, or emotionally drained, you're not alone. 62 00:08:00,547.75510204 --> 00:08:01,777.75510204 Here's the good news. 63 00:08:02,77.75510204 --> 00:08:09,167.75410204 There are ways to make changes that can help bring intimacy back into your holiday experience. 64 00:08:10,482.75510204 --> 00:08:13,642.75510204 All right, sister friends, let's get to the good stuff. 65 00:08:14,222.75510204 --> 00:08:25,442.75510204 How can you move through the stress and prioritize intimacy, both as a couple and as individuals? Let's break it down into five actionable steps. 66 00:08:25,482.75510204 --> 00:08:29,782.75410204 You can take this holiday season starting today. 67 00:08:31,52.75510204 --> 00:08:34,852.75510204 You have to create micro moments of connection. 68 00:08:35,522.75510204 --> 00:08:38,822.75510204 You don't need hours and hours to restore intimacy. 69 00:08:38,822.75510204 --> 00:08:50,12.75410204 You know, a three minute hug in the kitchen, whispering a genuine compliment in your partner's ear, holding hands while waiting in line for hot cocoa or coffee. 70 00:08:50,722.75510204 --> 00:08:54,272.75510204 These micro moments can go a long way. 71 00:08:54,972.75510204 --> 00:08:57,162.75510204 Let's take Emily and her hubby again. 72 00:08:57,932.75510204 --> 00:09:02,892.75510204 One thing that started to help them was implementing a 10 second rule. 73 00:09:03,302.75510204 --> 00:09:08,932.75410204 Every time they crossed paths during their busy schedule, they would stop and kiss for 10 seconds. 74 00:09:09,632.75510204 --> 00:09:12,192.75510204 I was like, really? 10 seconds? Hold up. 75 00:09:12,652.75510204 --> 00:09:15,412.75510204 One, two, three. 76 00:09:16,362.75510204 --> 00:09:18,212.75510204 10 seconds is kind of long. 77 00:09:20,142.75510204 --> 00:09:21,422.75510204 But you do what you do. 78 00:09:21,432.75510204 --> 00:09:22,662.75510204 If it's even a peck. 79 00:09:23,472.75510204 --> 00:09:25,452.75510204 Three seconds, that will work too. 80 00:09:26,12.75510204 --> 00:09:36,732.75510204 It wasn't a long conversation or a grand romantic gesture, right? Just a small deliberate moment to reconnect and you can do that too. 81 00:09:37,662.75410204 --> 00:09:40,272.75510204 Prioritize quality time together. 82 00:09:40,822.75410204 --> 00:09:52,772.75410204 It could be as simple as fixing breakfast together, doing something away from the hustle and bustle, or walking through your neighborhood to admire the holiday lights. 83 00:09:53,162.75310204 --> 00:10:01,872.75410204 You know they gonna have some crazy electric bill come January, right? But the key here is intentionality. 84 00:10:02,272.75410204 --> 00:10:06,352.75410204 It's not about the quantity of time, but the quality. 85 00:10:07,352.75410204 --> 00:10:10,812.75410204 Also, be mindful of each other needs. 86 00:10:11,172.75410204 --> 00:10:17,992.75410204 Acknowledge that the holiday season can be downright stressful for both of you in different ways. 87 00:10:18,302.75310204 --> 00:10:24,477.65410204 Be patient and give each other space, you know, when needed, but also be there to help. 88 00:10:24,747.75410204 --> 00:10:27,957.75410204 offer support and understanding to each other. 89 00:10:29,57.75410204 --> 00:10:36,547.75410204 Don't underestimate the power of these quick bursts of connection, a hug here, a tap on the butt there, you know, a peg there. 90 00:10:36,867.75310204 --> 00:10:46,237.75310204 Even if everything else feels overwhelming, these little pockets of love can remind you both that you're in this together. 91 00:10:47,622.75410204 --> 00:10:54,312.75410204 Another thing you have to do is learn how to say no to protect your yeses. 92 00:10:54,602.75410204 --> 00:11:03,532.75410204 Now, let's talk boundaries, right? Because maintaining intimacy during the holiday isn't just about saying yes to connection. 93 00:11:03,812.75410204 --> 00:11:08,672.75410204 It's also about saying no to obligations that drain you. 94 00:11:09,177.75410204 --> 00:11:18,77.75410204 For crying out loud, don't let anybody just walk up to you and try to add you to do this, to decorate this place when it wasn't on your list. 95 00:11:18,887.75410204 --> 00:11:22,277.75410204 Saying no is a holy thing, sister friend. 96 00:11:22,367.75410204 --> 00:11:32,747.75410204 I discovered that, and I've let people around me know that saying N O, no, is as holy as it can get sometimes. 97 00:11:34,467.75410204 --> 00:11:49,882.75410204 How often have you found yourself at a party or event that you really didn't want to attend, and then came home exhausted and cranky? Listen, it's okay to decline some invitations or delegate tasks to others. 98 00:11:50,72.75410204 --> 00:11:55,832.75310204 When you protect your time and energy, you're creating this space for meaningful connection. 99 00:11:56,712.75410204 --> 00:12:02,522.75310204 And in setting boundaries, you may open up more time for communication too. 100 00:12:02,962.75410204 --> 00:12:09,702.75410204 Yes, talk about your feelings, expectations, and stresses of the season with your hubby. 101 00:12:09,702.75410204 --> 00:12:18,922.75410204 Look, sister friend, sometimes you need to take the whoosh moment and just do some deep breathing. 102 00:12:19,92.75310204 --> 00:12:21,92.75410204 Holding everything in. 103 00:12:21,627.75410204 --> 00:12:24,217.75410204 Doesn't do either of you any favours. 104 00:12:24,657.75410204 --> 00:12:28,517.75410204 Open communication can help mitigate misunderstandings. 105 00:12:28,917.75410204 --> 00:12:33,607.75410204 And sharing the stress can also bring you closer together. 106 00:12:34,847.75410204 --> 00:12:39,487.75410204 Talk about who you can both say no to as a couple. 107 00:12:40,372.75410204 --> 00:12:42,412.75410204 It's cheeky, but fun. 108 00:12:42,412.85410204 --> 00:12:44,972.75410204 All right. 109 00:12:45,342.75410204 --> 00:12:52,132.75410204 So the tip number three is that you have to make intimacy an item on your holiday checklist. 110 00:12:52,202.75410204 --> 00:12:58,402.75410204 Also, if you're someone who loves lists and schedule, This one's for you. 111 00:12:58,832.75410204 --> 00:13:01,532.75410204 Add intimacy to your to do list. 112 00:13:01,582.75410204 --> 00:13:12,912.75310204 I know it may sound unromantic to schedule time for connection, but during the craziness of the holidays, making it intentional can be a game changer. 113 00:13:13,687.75410204 --> 00:13:22,577.75410204 Maybe that means setting aside 30 minutes before bed to talk, cuddle, or have a no phones moment together. 114 00:13:23,657.75310204 --> 00:13:33,627.75310204 Or maybe once a week you plan an at home date night where you light some candles, make hot chocolate, and just be together. 115 00:13:34,207.75410204 --> 00:13:38,747.75410204 For us, we like to do the sauna, you know, it was broken, now it's fixed. 116 00:13:39,847.75410204 --> 00:13:43,7.75410204 We're like, okay, we got to get back once a week. 117 00:13:43,117.75410204 --> 00:13:47,877.75410204 We just sit in the sauna, 20 minutes or so, and just talk. 118 00:13:49,47.75310204 --> 00:13:55,807.75410204 Trust me, intentionality is key when spontaneity feels hard to come by. 119 00:13:56,797.75410204 --> 00:14:05,947.75410204 Do you have an intimate tradition though? Embrace the holiday spirit by creating your own intimate tradition, sister friend. 120 00:14:06,147.75410204 --> 00:14:18,767.75410204 Whether it's baking a special dessert together or watching a holiday movie in bed, these small rituals can become something you both look forward to and cherish as the years goes by. 121 00:14:18,797.75410204 --> 00:14:23,657.75410204 And you know these years are going by like nobody's business. 122 00:14:24,287.75410204 --> 00:14:31,722.75410204 I'm thinking about Gifting a six cards or like a coupon to be used throughout the year. 123 00:14:32,82.75410204 --> 00:14:37,292.75310204 Maybe, you know, a coupon for, I don't know, sex when I don't feel like it. 124 00:14:38,107.75410204 --> 00:14:41,277.75410204 Taking the blame in a disagreement, even if I know I'm right. 125 00:14:42,467.75410204 --> 00:14:44,787.75410204 And a couple other such things. 126 00:14:45,257.75410204 --> 00:14:46,797.75410204 Like a stack of coupons. 127 00:14:48,167.75410204 --> 00:14:49,737.75410204 The ideas are flowing in. 128 00:14:49,747.75310204 --> 00:14:56,317.75410204 See, I'm taking my own advice here too and it's just, you know, I just had that insight. 129 00:14:56,727.75410204 --> 00:14:58,697.75410204 See, you could do that too. 130 00:14:59,37.75410204 --> 00:15:07,567.75310204 So you can trade gifts of experience, you know, instead of focusing on material gifts, gift each other experiences. 131 00:15:07,867.75310204 --> 00:15:12,387.75310204 Plan a post holiday getaway or a special date night for January. 132 00:15:12,947.75410204 --> 00:15:17,997.65510204 This gives you both something intimate and exciting to look forward to you. 133 00:15:18,337.75510204 --> 00:15:21,447.75510204 After the holiday rush has calmed down. 134 00:15:23,867.75510204 --> 00:15:32,7.75510204 Amidst all of that, you have to prioritize self care and you must know it's not selfish to do so. 135 00:15:32,982.75510204 --> 00:15:37,82.75510204 This tip is probably the hardest for some of you to put into practice. 136 00:15:37,442.75510204 --> 00:15:42,52.75510204 But sisters, listen, you can't pour from an empty cup. 137 00:15:42,362.75510204 --> 00:15:46,12.75410204 So nurturing your relationship starts with nurturing yourself. 138 00:15:46,332.75510204 --> 00:15:59,792.75610204 I always like to think of this like when you're on the airplane and they tell you, if the oxygen mask fall down, to put it on yourself first before you do a small child or an elderly person. 139 00:16:00,612.75610204 --> 00:16:07,312.75610204 That's because if you try to struggle to put the mask on somebody else and you don't have the mask on, you're going to pass out. 140 00:16:07,352.75610204 --> 00:16:12,712.75610204 And then you're no good to yourself or to the child or elderly person you are trying to help. 141 00:16:13,82.75610204 --> 00:16:16,322.75510204 So you have to put your oxygen mask on. 142 00:16:16,582.75510204 --> 00:16:23,967.75610204 Whether that's taking 15 minutes to meditate, or Go for a walk or unwind with your favorite book. 143 00:16:24,447.75610204 --> 00:16:26,777.75610204 Try to carve out personal time. 144 00:16:27,347.75610204 --> 00:16:38,177.75510204 I've recently taken up this adult coloring thing and it's kind of fun actually just to sit there and color and just be amazed by what you can create. 145 00:16:38,997.75610204 --> 00:16:39,557.75610204 Random. 146 00:16:40,417.756102 --> 00:16:45,377.756102 One listener told me she started her mornings during the holiday season with journaling. 147 00:16:45,857.756102 --> 00:16:51,847.755102 She'd write three things she was grateful for and three things she wanted from her partner that day. 148 00:16:52,387.755102 --> 00:16:55,277.755102 Then they'd talk about it over coffee in the morning. 149 00:16:55,657.756102 --> 00:16:58,817.755102 It became a moment they both look forward to. 150 00:16:59,757.755102 --> 00:17:06,127.755102 What is going to be your new thing in prioritizing yourself? So. 151 00:17:07,142.756102 --> 00:17:10,772.756102 You have to reflect and set intentions for the new year. 152 00:17:11,282.756102 --> 00:17:15,192.755102 You could do it for yourself, but you can also do it as a couple. 153 00:17:15,312.755102 --> 00:17:24,342.755102 What do you want to attain? The end of the year is a natural time to evaluate where you are in your relationship and where you want to go. 154 00:17:25,42.755102 --> 00:17:34,382.756102 Consider sitting down with your partner to reflect on the highs and lows of the past year and set one or two intimacy goals for the coming year too. 155 00:17:35,292.756102 --> 00:17:43,552.756102 For instance, one couple I know decide to make it a goal to have at least one tech free weekend every month. 156 00:17:44,567.756102 --> 00:17:47,567.756102 This wasn't just about avoiding screens. 157 00:17:47,927.756102 --> 00:17:52,147.756102 It was about giving themselves the mental space to focus on each other. 158 00:17:52,977.755102 --> 00:17:58,827.755102 Those little goals can build momentum for bigger, long term intimacy habits. 159 00:17:59,877.756102 --> 00:18:06,907.756102 These were just about five steps, but they have the potential to make a world of difference for you, my sister friends. 160 00:18:08,102.756102 --> 00:18:20,152.756102 Remember, the holidays are a season of love and joy, and intimacy doesn't have to mean huge romantic gestures or hours of times you don't feel like you have. 161 00:18:20,622.756102 --> 00:18:29,342.756102 It's the small, genuine acts of love and care that ground your connection, even amidst the holiday chaos. 162 00:18:30,232.756102 --> 00:18:35,772.756102 Don't let distress overshadow the warmth and closeness you share with your partner. 163 00:18:36,982.756102 --> 00:18:50,552.755102 By being mindful and intentional, you can navigate this busy time without sidelining your intimate connection and it can truly be the most wonderful time of the year. 164 00:18:52,637.756102 --> 00:19:00,507.756102 Until next time, I encourage you to reflect on these tips and think about how you can apply them to your relationship. 165 00:19:01,267.756102 --> 00:19:04,77.756102 Taking care of yourselves and each other. 166 00:19:04,977.756102 --> 00:19:14,467.755102 Keeping the spark alive might require a little effort, but the warmth it brings is worth every bit of it. 167 00:19:18,287.756102 --> 00:19:26,267.756102 Well, sister friend, I know you have choices, so I thank you for tuning into Intimacy After Podcast. 168 00:19:26,847.756102 --> 00:19:33,757.756102 You may subscribe for bi monthly alerts or stay in the know by visiting my website at QueenQuanta. 169 00:19:34,927.755102 --> 00:19:35,407.755102 com. 170 00:19:35,637.756102 --> 00:19:39,907.756102 That's Queen, Q U A N T A dot com. 171 00:19:40,487.756102 --> 00:19:49,197.755102 Until next time, remember, a life without intimacy is like your favorite meal without salt. 172 00:19:49,822.756102 --> 00:19:52,442.756102 Ladies, let's spice it up. 173 00:19:52,942.756102 --> 00:19:56,232.756102 Life is beautiful, and God is awesome. 174 00:19:56,802.756102 --> 00:19:59,747.594102 This is Queen, signing out.