August 5, 2024 • 29 mins
Welcome to Intimacy After podcast. In this episode, we delve into the intricacies of long-term marriages and explore how to reignite the spark that may have dimmed over the years. Reviving Love in a Long-term Marriage 💕 is no easy task. Here, we address some intimacy issues in long-term marriages, offering practical steps to rekindle relationships and improve communication. The host, Queen, emphasizes the importance of effort, balance, and seeking help when necessary.
Timestamp Notes & Chapters 00:00.5: Intimacy Issues in Long-Term Marriages 04:45.21: Unresolved Conflicts and Changes in Appearance 05:12.95: Importance of Communication and Self-Awareness in Relationships 07:55.10: The Impact of Digital Distractions on Relationships 18:00.14: Finding Joy in Shared Activities 20:50.66: Embracing New Experiences and Cultures 21:40.26: ReflectionsÂ
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
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(00:05):
Hello and welcome.
.999This is Intimacy After, a podcast for mature women facing intimacy issues from various causes.
Please know you are not alone.
It is time to stop suffering in silence.
On this podcast, we give hope that through practice of simple steps and proven tips, you can improve intimacy and resurrect your love life.
(00:33):
Break free, learn to laugh again, to play again, to be happy, to love and know that you are loved.
I am your host, Queen.
Come on inside. 9 00:00:48,766.12244898 --> 00:00:52,6.12244898 Welcome inside to another episode off. 10 00:00:52,516.12244898 --> 00:00:54,136.12244898 Intimacy after. 11 00:00:54,646.12244898 --> 00:01:02,566.12244898 I overheard you my sister friend, after the last episode, focusing on single ladies, trying to hold on. 12 00:01:02,926.12244898 --> 00:01:04,546.12244898 And hold out. 13 00:01:05,476.12244898 --> 00:01:16,6.12244898 You said, what about us who are in it? What about us married ladies, we are on the other end of the spectrum and have marital issues. 14 00:01:16,36.12244898 --> 00:01:19,66.12244898 We would like to discuss some things too. 15 00:01:19,456.12244898 --> 00:01:20,176.12244898 Yes. 16 00:01:20,176.12244898 --> 00:01:20,746.12244898 Yes. 17 00:01:20,986.12244898 --> 00:01:25,426.12244898 From the outside, everything looks perfect. 18 00:01:25,756.12244898 --> 00:01:39,136.12244898 You've been married for a long time, but the internal analysis shows that you are in a distracted relationship, lonely, sexually frustrated and deprive. 19 00:01:39,736.12244898 --> 00:01:45,226.12244898 According to your messages, being married for a long time has its plus and minuses. 20 00:01:45,226.12244898 --> 00:01:51,226.12244898 And right now you're simply just not feeling the roommate vibe. 21 00:01:51,526.12244898 --> 00:01:55,606.12244898 Some of you are sleeping in separate rooms for various reasons. 22 00:01:56,26.12244898 --> 00:01:58,576.12244898 Others are considering divorce. 23 00:01:58,756.12244898 --> 00:02:01,666.12244898 Some are just living together, but separate, like. 24 00:02:02,116.12244898 --> 00:02:05,806.12244898 Two singles, just cohabitating. 25 00:02:06,16.12244898 --> 00:02:08,476.12244898 Some of you care about your significant other. 26 00:02:08,926.12244898 --> 00:02:13,306.12244898 And would never consider divorce, but, but. 27 00:02:13,996.12244898 --> 00:02:14,776.12244898 Yeah, I know. 28 00:02:15,76.12244898 --> 00:02:16,6.12244898 Other things. 29 00:02:16,306.12244898 --> 00:02:18,496.12244898 Something's got to give. 30 00:02:19,996.12244898 --> 00:02:23,956.12244898 This episode, we'll explore and go a little deeper. 31 00:02:24,496.12244898 --> 00:02:26,266.12244898 Into some of these issues. 32 00:02:26,356.12244898 --> 00:02:31,456.12244898 Of course, this is not all inclusive and does not replace a counselor. 33 00:02:31,546.12244898 --> 00:02:42,136.12244898 We're just having a little chat here, like a good girlfriend sitting down in a cafe and join coffee or tea or whatever beverage of choice. 34 00:02:42,376.12244898 --> 00:02:44,176.12244898 This is just a chat. 35 00:02:44,596.12244898 --> 00:02:46,186.12244898 Not counseling. 36 00:02:46,686.12244898 --> 00:02:56,856.12244898 With that being said, if you are single and or hoping to have a hubby someday take notes and avoid some of these traps. 37 00:02:57,306.12244898 --> 00:02:57,846.12244898 Okay. 38 00:02:58,116.12244898 --> 00:02:59,226.12244898 Let's have a chat. 39 00:02:59,956.12244898 --> 00:03:03,886.12244898 A lot of the issues that long-term marriages face. 40 00:03:04,396.12244898 --> 00:03:05,716.12244898 I'm not actually new. 41 00:03:06,106.12244898 --> 00:03:08,176.12244898 And didn't happen overnight. 42 00:03:08,716.12244898 --> 00:03:21,226.12244898 Am I correct? Or am I right? It's that slow boil we spoke about before, you know, that frog in the water that is kept on low heat for a slow boil. 43 00:03:21,736.12244898 --> 00:03:23,896.12244898 If that's low boil will kill a frog. 44 00:03:23,956.12244898 --> 00:03:28,456.12244898 The slow boil will kill anything, including your relationships. 45 00:03:28,576.12244898 --> 00:03:29,236.12244898 Yes. 46 00:03:29,266.12244898 --> 00:03:30,676.12244898 Your marriage. 47 00:03:30,946.12244898 --> 00:03:37,546.12244898 Some of the symptoms that are ignored and continue to be ignored. 48 00:03:38,116.12244898 --> 00:03:39,76.12244898 Include. 49 00:03:39,486.12244898 --> 00:03:46,626.12244898 Grunting for communication, barely even saying good morning or good evening. 50 00:03:47,646.12244898 --> 00:03:53,376.12244898 The monotony of day to day living the routine that has no vigor. 51 00:03:53,856.12244898 --> 00:03:56,226.12244898 Just downright boring. 52 00:03:57,96.12244898 --> 00:04:04,596.12244898 What about nothing of commonality to share? He likes to sunbathe your misses vampire. 53 00:04:04,866.12244898 --> 00:04:06,426.12244898 He likes yard work. 54 00:04:06,726.12244898 --> 00:04:11,556.12244898 You scream at the site of worms, he likes movies. 55 00:04:11,676.12244898 --> 00:04:13,56.12244898 You prefer to read. 56 00:04:13,506.12244898 --> 00:04:14,736.12244898 He likes to eat. 57 00:04:15,96.12244898 --> 00:04:16,266.12244898 You hate to cook. 58 00:04:17,46.12244898 --> 00:04:18,276.12244898 You get the drift. 59 00:04:19,36.12244898 --> 00:04:21,916.12244898 Then there are the unresolved conflicts. 60 00:04:22,966.12244898 --> 00:04:27,946.12244898 That is a sore that never heals anything swept under the rug. 61 00:04:28,216.12244898 --> 00:04:29,656.12244898 Never really goes away. 62 00:04:30,586.12244898 --> 00:04:40,36.12244898 It just festers gets infected and bitterness builds and boils and their little outburst over small things. 63 00:04:40,36.12244898 --> 00:04:40,996.12244898 And you're wondering. 64 00:04:41,866.12244898 --> 00:04:44,176.12244898 What happened? Right. 65 00:04:45,16.12244898 --> 00:04:49,696.12244898 That's the little conflict that never truly got resolved. 66 00:04:50,386.12244898 --> 00:05:03,796.12244898 Then there's the big one changes in a parent's weight gain, weight loss, medical needs, the gray hair balding, emotional needs and more. 67 00:05:04,126.12244898 --> 00:05:11,86.12244898 Physical and emotional changes requires a new skillset, not just tolerance. 68 00:05:11,956.12244898 --> 00:05:12,736.12244898 Yes. 69 00:05:13,36.12244898 --> 00:05:14,776.12244898 It requires work. 70 00:05:15,586.12244898 --> 00:05:21,406.12244898 And the big one too is also taken each other for granted. 71 00:05:23,26.12244898 --> 00:05:25,966.12244898 In order to not take each other for granted though. 72 00:05:26,296.12244898 --> 00:05:32,716.12244898 You will need to know how and when you feel appreciated, And the same goal for him as well. 73 00:05:33,676.12244898 --> 00:05:42,256.12244898 And after you figure out what makes you tick and what makes you smile from the inside out? Don't keep it a secret. 74 00:05:42,706.12244898 --> 00:05:44,86.12244898 You have to share it. 75 00:05:44,206.12244898 --> 00:05:47,656.12244898 So when something is done that you like, say it. 76 00:05:48,286.12244898 --> 00:05:51,76.12244898 Hey, I really appreciated you doing that. 77 00:05:51,76.12244898 --> 00:05:52,576.12244898 That makes me feel good. 78 00:05:52,846.12244898 --> 00:05:57,706.12244898 Whatever that may be for you share it. 79 00:05:57,916.12244898 --> 00:05:58,996.12244898 Communicate. 80 00:05:59,386.12244898 --> 00:06:06,556.12244898 And communication after a certain age and after a certain time of being married. 81 00:06:06,976.12244898 --> 00:06:08,26.12244898 It changes. 82 00:06:08,336.12244898 --> 00:06:10,676.12244898 New things happen over time. 83 00:06:10,676.12244898 --> 00:06:12,836.12244898 You have to keep up with the changes. 84 00:06:13,106.12244898 --> 00:06:17,786.12244898 You have to keep up with what you need to know to grow. 85 00:06:18,266.12244898 --> 00:06:21,416.12244898 It is the same with relationships. 86 00:06:21,836.12244898 --> 00:06:26,366.12244898 If you're going to grow in your work and vibe for that new position. 87 00:06:26,726.12244898 --> 00:06:32,786.12244898 Then you should grow in your relationship and vie for your husband as well. 88 00:06:33,596.12244898 --> 00:06:35,696.12244898 You have to do some work. 89 00:06:37,166.12244898 --> 00:06:40,406.12244898 It does sounds like work because it's is. 90 00:06:40,826.12244898 --> 00:06:42,806.12244898 Weary weary indeed. 91 00:06:43,106.12244898 --> 00:06:47,816.12244898 But there is importance in identifying your specific issues. 92 00:06:48,206.12244898 --> 00:06:51,116.12244898 This self awareness is a start. 93 00:06:51,266.12244898 --> 00:06:53,486.12244898 So congrats for being here today. 94 00:06:53,666.12244898 --> 00:06:55,646.12244898 Congrats for listening in. 95 00:06:56,306.12244898 --> 00:07:05,96.12244898 But again, disclaimer, here as always, whenever we're dealing with these kinds of topics, I have to give my disclaimer. 96 00:07:05,936.12244898 --> 00:07:07,436.12244898 So this discussion. 97 00:07:07,916.12244898 --> 00:07:12,266.12244898 Does not include discussion of abuse of any kind. 98 00:07:12,656.12244898 --> 00:07:15,26.12244898 That is beyond the scope of this podcast. 99 00:07:15,446.12244898 --> 00:07:17,96.12244898 I would encourage you. 100 00:07:17,456.12244898 --> 00:07:21,926.12244898 If you are in a situation of abuse of any kind. 101 00:07:22,226.12244898 --> 00:07:24,416.12244898 To seek professional help. 102 00:07:24,806.12244898 --> 00:07:37,976.12244898 The role of therapy and counseling will play a huge role in any situation, but specifically in those that are drenched and covered in abuse, that should not be tolerated. 103 00:07:38,516.12244898 --> 00:07:49,446.12244898 There are also other avenues for assistance through your church and other local organizations that support women who are going through. 104 00:07:50,276.12244898 --> 00:07:50,846.12244898 Abuse. 105 00:07:50,876.12244898 --> 00:07:54,446.12244898 So please do seek that kind of help. 106 00:07:54,986.12244898 --> 00:07:55,676.12244898 Okay. 107 00:07:56,456.12244898 --> 00:07:56,936.12244898 All right. 108 00:07:58,316.12244898 --> 00:08:00,56.12244898 So let's start with. 109 00:08:00,446.12244898 --> 00:08:02,816.12244898 The distraction side of things. 110 00:08:03,416.12244898 --> 00:08:09,926.12244898 When was the last time you went on a date night? We went on a date night. 111 00:08:10,406.12244898 --> 00:08:11,336.12244898 Finally. 112 00:08:11,696.12244898 --> 00:08:15,956.12244898 After drop in what I thought were an Advil size hands. 113 00:08:16,346.12244898 --> 00:08:19,136.12244898 But that's something I've learned over the years. 114 00:08:19,186.12244898 --> 00:08:22,606.12244898 We went out to a relatively okay. 115 00:08:22,606.12244898 --> 00:08:25,426.12244898 Restaurant, the fall back activity. 116 00:08:25,426.12244898 --> 00:08:25,816.12244898 Right. 117 00:08:26,86.12244898 --> 00:08:31,66.12244898 We always could fall back on going to the movies or going to a restaurant. 118 00:08:31,696.12244898 --> 00:08:32,536.12244898 It's something. 119 00:08:33,796.12244898 --> 00:08:39,796.12244898 But as I was sitting down and surveilling the room, yes, I still do that. 120 00:08:39,796.12244898 --> 00:08:42,316.12244898 It's the military part of me that lives on. 121 00:08:42,796.12244898 --> 00:08:50,596.12244898 Many other couples in the room seemed to be enjoying their phones more than their partners. 122 00:08:51,496.12244898 --> 00:08:53,836.12244898 He reached for his phone and I shot him. 123 00:08:54,46.12244898 --> 00:08:55,6.12244898 Ven, look. 124 00:08:55,576.12244898 --> 00:08:57,976.12244898 I'm very protective of my cutie. 125 00:08:58,576.12244898 --> 00:08:59,566.12244898 Quality time. 126 00:09:00,136.12244898 --> 00:09:00,946.12244898 Are you. 127 00:09:01,486.12244898 --> 00:09:07,786.12244898 This is not just a kids teenage or a young adult thing anymore. 128 00:09:08,396.12244898 --> 00:09:12,746.12244898 Most folks are downright hypnotized by media. 129 00:09:13,736.12244898 --> 00:09:15,986.12244898 Long hours in front of the tele. 130 00:09:16,436.12244898 --> 00:09:23,426.12244898 Phase four forever in the phone playing a game or giggling or swiping left, right. 131 00:09:23,426.12244898 --> 00:09:28,856.12244898 Or swiping down up, or watching others live their best life. 132 00:09:28,886.12244898 --> 00:09:29,366.12244898 Now. 133 00:09:29,636.12244898 --> 00:09:32,536.12244898 Why the life of your relationship. 134 00:09:32,956.12244898 --> 00:09:34,126.12244898 Your hubby. 135 00:09:34,546.12244898 --> 00:09:36,106.12244898 With your family. 136 00:09:37,6.12244898 --> 00:09:38,986.12244898 Seems to drain away. 137 00:09:38,986.12244898 --> 00:09:46,926.12244898 What about digital detox? We'll reduce in screen time, improve presence and attentiveness. 138 00:09:47,826.12244898 --> 00:09:54,156.12244898 Maybe not right away, because at the sound of the inevitable question, Okay. 139 00:09:54,156.12244898 --> 00:09:59,376.12244898 So what do you want to do instead? Then comes the panic looking response. 140 00:09:59,706.12244898 --> 00:10:01,806.12244898 Well, well, I don't know. 141 00:10:01,986.12244898 --> 00:10:07,806.12244898 What do you want to do? This simply invites more frustrations. 142 00:10:08,106.12244898 --> 00:10:15,966.12244898 If you have demands of not using the phone or not being on the tele or not playing the games. 143 00:10:16,686.12244898 --> 00:10:21,126.12244898 But have no plan in place, then there will be frustration. 144 00:10:21,126.12244898 --> 00:10:22,476.12244898 You have to have a plan. 145 00:10:22,476.12244898 --> 00:10:33,66.12244898 If you don't want him to do this, then what would you like to do instead? If you want to reduce screen time to improve presence and attentiveness. 146 00:10:33,576.12244898 --> 00:10:35,46.12244898 Get a plan. 147 00:10:35,376.12244898 --> 00:10:36,396.12244898 In place. 148 00:10:37,356.12244898 --> 00:10:40,416.12244898 You know, I was thinking back. 149 00:10:40,416.12244898 --> 00:10:43,446.12244898 To the time when I was growing up in Jamaica. 150 00:10:44,16.12244898 --> 00:10:47,226.12244898 When the TV come on at a certain time. 151 00:10:47,286.12244898 --> 00:10:51,756.12244898 And then go off and you get that beautiful rainbow thing on Vitaly. 152 00:10:51,786.12244898 --> 00:10:52,926.12244898 And then it'll come back on. 153 00:10:52,926.12244898 --> 00:10:56,46.12244898 Later in the afternoon, we had only two stations. 154 00:10:56,616.12244898 --> 00:11:09,96.12244898 And a lot of the programs that we receive we're programs from the UK, and I'm thinking about my grandparents, because the last part of residing in Jamaica. 155 00:11:09,456.12244898 --> 00:11:11,786.12244898 I lived with my grandparents, and. 156 00:11:11,786.12244898 --> 00:11:17,186.12244898 I just don't recall there being this money. 157 00:11:17,216.12244898 --> 00:11:18,236.12244898 Distractions. 158 00:11:18,236.12244898 --> 00:11:18,836.12244898 Do you. 159 00:11:19,586.12244898 --> 00:11:21,206.12244898 We would sit out. 160 00:11:21,566.12244898 --> 00:11:27,506.12244898 On the porch and we would have evenings where we just talk and laugh. 161 00:11:27,866.12244898 --> 00:11:30,146.12244898 And recall X, Y, Z. 162 00:11:31,286.12244898 --> 00:11:35,636.12244898 In most time when the tele is on, my grandpa may watch cricket. 163 00:11:36,416.12244898 --> 00:11:38,36.12244898 I, I, I know cricket. 164 00:11:38,66.12244898 --> 00:11:41,6.12244898 That's why I cannot get through this baseball thing these days. 165 00:11:41,36.12244898 --> 00:11:41,306.12244898 But. 166 00:11:42,476.12244898 --> 00:11:44,36.12244898 It was either cricket. 167 00:11:44,546.12244898 --> 00:11:56,66.12244898 Or boxing when those two things are on, we have no other option, but to go sit out on the porch and chit chat with each other. 168 00:11:56,886.12244898 --> 00:11:59,916.12244898 But there weren't any phones. 169 00:11:59,946.12244898 --> 00:12:01,326.12244898 They weren't any cell phone. 170 00:12:01,326.12244898 --> 00:12:03,636.12244898 We didn't even have a phone in the home back then. 171 00:12:04,116.12244898 --> 00:12:07,506.12244898 So, what did we do? We actually read. 172 00:12:08,406.12244898 --> 00:12:12,216.12244898 And we actually spoke with each other. 173 00:12:13,176.12244898 --> 00:12:18,426.12244898 Have you ever just had a glass of wine or a drink? And just sat down. 174 00:12:18,756.12244898 --> 00:12:20,526.12244898 No television, nothing. 175 00:12:21,36.12244898 --> 00:12:21,726.12244898 And just. 176 00:12:22,356.12244898 --> 00:12:23,76.12244898 Talk. 177 00:12:24,46.12244898 --> 00:12:27,166.12244898 Beat about life in general, the family. 178 00:12:27,496.12244898 --> 00:12:30,106.12244898 Your hopes, your vision just. 179 00:12:30,886.12244898 --> 00:12:33,466.12244898 Talk, whatever happened to that. 180 00:12:34,606.12244898 --> 00:12:35,56.12244898 Hmm. 181 00:12:36,356.12244898 --> 00:12:39,266.12244898 Then there is the part about loneliness. 182 00:12:39,986.12244898 --> 00:12:43,256.12244898 If you want to address loneliness. 183 00:12:44,156.12244898 --> 00:12:51,236.12244898 This plan should have included friendships and social connections outside the marriage. 184 00:12:51,746.12244898 --> 00:12:57,836.12244898 Having and maintaining your own interests is an antidote for loneliness as well. 185 00:12:58,826.12244898 --> 00:13:04,316.12244898 If you're listening and not yet married, this is so very important. 186 00:13:04,976.12244898 --> 00:13:08,66.12244898 If nothing else for sanity sake. 187 00:13:08,546.12244898 --> 00:13:11,336.12244898 Maintain some form of friendship. 188 00:13:11,726.12244898 --> 00:13:16,526.12244898 Community involvement, et cetera, outside of your marriage. 189 00:13:16,916.12244898 --> 00:13:18,506.12244898 So tell me, sister, friend. 190 00:13:19,406.12244898 --> 00:13:32,386.12244898 What else do you do? Are you pursuing personal interests or hobbies? I know you won't like this, but you're responsible for making yourself happy. 191 00:13:33,46.12244898 --> 00:13:33,646.12244898 Yup. 192 00:13:34,306.12244898 --> 00:13:37,846.12244898 He's there to make you happier. 193 00:13:38,296.12244898 --> 00:13:42,136.12244898 And you were there to make him happier. 194 00:13:42,736.12244898 --> 00:13:47,206.12244898 Together, you'd go skipping down the road, the happiest couple ever. 195 00:13:49,606.12244898 --> 00:13:53,776.12244898 Remember happiness is based on happenings though. 196 00:13:53,956.12244898 --> 00:13:55,966.12244898 So that can fluctuate. 197 00:13:56,716.12244898 --> 00:13:57,976.12244898 Seek joy. 198 00:13:58,696.12244898 --> 00:14:01,546.12244898 Something that's there deep inside of you. 199 00:14:01,546.12244898 --> 00:14:04,846.12244898 The appreciativeness gratitude, just. 200 00:14:05,746.12244898 --> 00:14:07,246.12244898 Being aware. 201 00:14:08,26.12244898 --> 00:14:10,186.12244898 Happiness comes and goes. 202 00:14:10,246.12244898 --> 00:14:14,386.12244898 And if you want to be happy, find ways to make yourself happy. 203 00:14:14,386.12244898 --> 00:14:17,296.12244898 So together, you could be happier. 204 00:14:17,536.12244898 --> 00:14:18,16.12244898 Look. 205 00:14:19,216.12244898 --> 00:14:20,356.12244898 I'm not going to lie. 206 00:14:20,716.12244898 --> 00:14:21,976.12244898 This is going to take work. 207 00:14:22,786.12244898 --> 00:14:25,846.12244898 I have the collective knowledge of over. 208 00:14:26,116.12244898 --> 00:14:29,236.12244898 1000 years of answers to. 209 00:14:29,926.12244898 --> 00:14:34,546.12244898 How did you stay married for so long? What's the secret sauce. 210 00:14:35,66.12244898 --> 00:14:50,66.12244898 Inevitably, this is one of my favorite question to ask patients when greeting them in follow-up and those who have been married for 40 years, 50 years, 60 some even 70 years. 211 00:14:50,66.12244898 --> 00:14:50,816.12244898 Yes. 212 00:14:51,26.12244898 --> 00:14:52,706.12244898 70 years. 213 00:14:52,976.12244898 --> 00:14:54,326.12244898 This is not a myth. 214 00:14:54,596.12244898 --> 00:15:01,466.12244898 I did say 70 years, not seven months or seven years, 70 years. 215 00:15:02,216.12244898 --> 00:15:08,966.12244898 I spoke with the equivalent off, what could be referred to as marital dinosaurs. 216 00:15:09,326.12244898 --> 00:15:11,846.12244898 And learned quite a bit. 217 00:15:12,746.12244898 --> 00:15:18,236.12244898 Here's the 1000 plus years wisdom I've garnered over the years. 218 00:15:18,936.12244898 --> 00:15:19,956.12244898 If you are bored. 219 00:15:20,766.12244898 --> 00:15:22,536.12244898 That's because you are boring. 220 00:15:22,986.12244898 --> 00:15:24,396.12244898 Oh, ouch. 221 00:15:25,376.12244898 --> 00:15:26,366.12244898 Hm. 222 00:15:27,776.12244898 --> 00:15:29,486.12244898 If you are lonely. 223 00:15:29,996.12244898 --> 00:15:31,976.12244898 You can do something about it. 224 00:15:32,546.12244898 --> 00:15:36,446.12244898 Your husband is along for the ride. 225 00:15:37,646.12244898 --> 00:15:38,426.12244898 Hm. 226 00:15:39,266.12244898 --> 00:15:40,436.12244898 I know. 227 00:15:40,856.12244898 --> 00:15:48,776.12244898 Why do you have to do everything? You both took the vow to have and to hold from this day forward. 228 00:15:49,76.12244898 --> 00:15:58,376.12244898 Doesn't it seem as though if you don't do anything for the fun portion of the relationship, most times it doesn't get done. 229 00:15:59,156.12244898 --> 00:16:04,346.12244898 Is your brain just tired and you're simply frustrated with being the one, doing this. 230 00:16:04,796.12244898 --> 00:16:06,596.12244898 All the time. 231 00:16:07,896.12244898 --> 00:16:10,296.12244898 So what's your alternative. 232 00:16:10,896.12244898 --> 00:16:12,516.12244898 To have an hold yourself. 233 00:16:13,356.12244898 --> 00:16:19,536.12244898 The grass is not greener on the other side and per chance it is. 234 00:16:20,76.12244898 --> 00:16:27,96.12244898 That is because someone is tending and watering the grass on that side, too. 235 00:16:27,966.12244898 --> 00:16:29,736.12244898 It is still work. 236 00:16:30,336.12244898 --> 00:16:36,946.12244898 So why not do the work on your side? Another thing I stopped expecting perfection from your husband. 237 00:16:37,846.12244898 --> 00:16:41,866.122449 If he does something all the time, that annoys you, stop focusing on it. 238 00:16:42,76.122449 --> 00:16:43,696.122449 Just call it the 20%. 239 00:16:44,146.122449 --> 00:16:48,586.122449 And look at the 80% of all the wonderful things that's going on. 240 00:16:48,806.122449 --> 00:16:49,316.122449 Right. 241 00:16:49,586.122449 --> 00:16:51,506.122449 So let's pivot. 242 00:16:52,16.122449 --> 00:16:55,646.122449 And acknowledged the 20% of deficiency. 243 00:16:56,66.122449 --> 00:17:01,646.122449 But focus on the 80% of wonderfulness that you said yes to. 244 00:17:02,986.122449 --> 00:17:05,266.122449 Remember? Disclaimer alert. 245 00:17:05,626.122449 --> 00:17:11,206.122449 This does not apply to anyone going through abuse in any shape or form. 246 00:17:11,566.122449 --> 00:17:18,586.122449 This is not something that you can fix on your own and abuse is not a fault. 247 00:17:19,36.122449 --> 00:17:22,126.122449 That you have caused upon yourself. 248 00:17:22,576.122449 --> 00:17:36,526.122449 If you find yourself in an undesirable situation, there are accommodations in communities close to you that can provide counseling, shelter care and more. 249 00:17:37,126.122449 --> 00:17:46,156.122449 So speak with your local authorities, churches, and other organizations for additional information regarding safety. 250 00:17:46,726.122449 --> 00:17:49,6.122449 In those kind of situation. 251 00:17:49,726.122449 --> 00:17:50,746.122449 My bluntness. 252 00:17:50,746.122449 --> 00:17:53,476.122449 And what I'm speaking about here today. 253 00:17:53,776.122449 --> 00:17:58,276.122449 Does not relate to abuse of any kind. 254 00:17:59,126.122449 --> 00:17:59,606.122449 Okay. 255 00:18:00,206.122449 --> 00:18:02,546.122449 So now we are on board with seeking help. 256 00:18:02,576.122449 --> 00:18:07,376.122449 If it's needed for any unsafe environment, let's get back to the topic. 257 00:18:07,796.122449 --> 00:18:13,946.122449 How to start watering your grass to make it green again on your side. 258 00:18:15,656.122449 --> 00:18:17,66.122449 Don't give up yet. 259 00:18:17,756.122449 --> 00:18:23,246.122449 What about finding joy in mundane activities? Together. 260 00:18:24,96.122449 --> 00:18:26,796.122449 Washing the dishes together. 261 00:18:27,876.122449 --> 00:18:28,566.122449 Cooking. 262 00:18:29,226.122449 --> 00:18:29,946.122449 Together. 263 00:18:31,236.122449 --> 00:18:43,266.122449 Over the past few years, one of the things we've done together is play word games on a note book and or iPad and challenge each other with word building. 264 00:18:43,866.122449 --> 00:18:46,296.122449 Not nerdy at all. 265 00:18:47,706.122449 --> 00:18:51,216.122449 The whole idea is to do something together. 266 00:18:51,336.122449 --> 00:18:59,406.122449 So if he's going to be on the phone and playing games, make it a game that y'all can play together. 267 00:19:00,106.122449 --> 00:19:04,726.122449 Date nights, quality time shared activities. 268 00:19:05,476.122449 --> 00:19:06,826.122449 Don't force it though. 269 00:19:07,396.122449 --> 00:19:08,536.122449 Start slow. 270 00:19:09,436.122449 --> 00:19:10,126.122449 Gentle. 271 00:19:10,876.122449 --> 00:19:18,16.122449 What are some of the things he may not mind to win? You may not be a sports fan. 272 00:19:18,286.122449 --> 00:19:27,226.122449 But if the budget allows, how about going to a sports event together? He's into NFL or college football. 273 00:19:27,706.122449 --> 00:19:32,266.122449 Start with supporting your neighbors kid on the local high school football game. 274 00:19:33,316.122449 --> 00:19:34,366.122449 One, a laugh. 275 00:19:34,876.122449 --> 00:19:36,406.122449 Watch a Peewee game. 276 00:19:36,826.122449 --> 00:19:37,816.122449 I remember. 277 00:19:38,86.122449 --> 00:19:38,416.122449 Yeah. 278 00:19:38,626.122449 --> 00:19:41,716.122449 I remember when I was stationed in San Antonio, Texas. 279 00:19:42,316.122449 --> 00:19:43,486.122449 It was hot. 280 00:19:43,846.122449 --> 00:19:45,496.122449 From sunup to sundown. 281 00:19:45,526.122449 --> 00:19:48,796.122449 And honestly, it was just not one of my favorite. 282 00:19:49,156.122449 --> 00:19:49,846.122449 Assignment. 283 00:19:50,726.122449 --> 00:19:52,316.122449 The river walk was great. 284 00:19:52,796.122449 --> 00:19:55,736.122449 But could only go there, but so often. 285 00:19:56,276.122449 --> 00:20:03,536.122449 One of my patient mentioned to me about the rodeo coming to town and how much fun it would be. 286 00:20:04,376.122449 --> 00:20:05,336.122449 Rodeo. 287 00:20:07,46.122449 --> 00:20:08,246.122449 I'm from Jamaica. 288 00:20:08,246.122449 --> 00:20:10,706.122449 What kind of rodeo? I'm a city girl. 289 00:20:11,66.122449 --> 00:20:13,106.122449 I have no idea rodeo. 290 00:20:13,406.122449 --> 00:20:15,116.122449 And that's one of the things I have to say. 291 00:20:15,116.122449 --> 00:20:24,236.122449 The military really introduce you to a plethora of activities that you otherwise would not have considered. 292 00:20:24,536.122449 --> 00:20:32,396.122449 So if you're not military, I consider some of the things that may be outside of your norm. 293 00:20:33,56.122449 --> 00:20:38,6.122449 My best friend back in medical school, dragging me to the slopes to go ski. 294 00:20:38,6.122449 --> 00:20:40,586.122449 And now mind you, I was like the only. 295 00:20:40,586.122449 --> 00:20:41,996.122449 Black person there. 296 00:20:42,86.122449 --> 00:20:50,516.122449 And I was yelling at the trees to get out of my way, but let me tell you, I had so much fun. 297 00:20:50,726.122449 --> 00:20:52,376.122449 We went a few more times. 298 00:20:52,886.122449 --> 00:20:54,776.122449 You just have to try. 299 00:20:55,256.122449 --> 00:21:02,6.122449 It's a little bit less tabooed to have black folks on the skiing slopes. 300 00:21:02,906.122449 --> 00:21:06,896.122449 But that was my stepping out and trying something new. 301 00:21:06,956.122449 --> 00:21:11,426.122449 I was with a good friend of mine who had my best interests at heart. 302 00:21:11,756.122449 --> 00:21:15,146.122449 And so I was comfortable sharing in her culture. 303 00:21:15,986.122449 --> 00:21:21,266.122449 So maybe we need to have friends of different culture. 304 00:21:21,596.122449 --> 00:21:23,876.122449 And sheer in different things. 305 00:21:23,906.122449 --> 00:21:26,696.122449 I remember the first Indian wedding I went to. 306 00:21:27,416.122449 --> 00:21:28,766.122449 I love spicy food. 307 00:21:28,766.122449 --> 00:21:29,516.122449 I'm from the Caribbean. 308 00:21:29,546.122449 --> 00:21:30,566.122449 I love spicy food. 309 00:21:31,16.122449 --> 00:21:38,996.122449 That wedding was off the chain, the activity that glamour the food. 310 00:21:39,386.122449 --> 00:21:39,746.122449 Okay. 311 00:21:40,256.122449 --> 00:21:41,6.122449 Let's get back. 312 00:21:41,616.122449 --> 00:21:45,366.122449 So when I was in San Antonio, I decided, okay. 313 00:21:46,26.122449 --> 00:21:49,356.122449 Let me go and check out this rodeo. 314 00:21:50,436.122449 --> 00:21:51,636.122449 Oh, wow. 315 00:21:52,536.122449 --> 00:21:53,436.122449 Rodeo. 316 00:21:54,186.122449 --> 00:21:55,386.122449 Never heard of it. 317 00:21:55,836.122449 --> 00:21:58,836.122449 And wasn't really interested. 318 00:21:59,796.122449 --> 00:22:06,606.122449 But can I tell you it was the most natural fun that I ever had. 319 00:22:07,596.122449 --> 00:22:11,466.122449 I actually still have my buckle with the belt. 320 00:22:11,556.122449 --> 00:22:14,106.122449 Uh, wrong is a very thick like brown belt. 321 00:22:14,106.122449 --> 00:22:17,106.122449 It's got an Eagle on it and it says us army. 322 00:22:17,406.122449 --> 00:22:19,56.122449 And my big buckle. 323 00:22:19,566.122449 --> 00:22:20,976.122449 As an Eagle on it. 324 00:22:21,336.122449 --> 00:22:30,816.122449 I wear with my jeans every now and that, but that's one of my pride purchase and I have this little bracelet made of leather of different colors. 325 00:22:31,266.122449 --> 00:22:32,736.122449 So the shopping was there. 326 00:22:32,736.122449 --> 00:22:34,356.122449 So that was good. 327 00:22:34,746.122449 --> 00:22:37,86.122449 Thumbs up for the rodeo on that side. 328 00:22:37,936.122449 --> 00:22:42,256.122449 But there was an event where the kids different age range. 329 00:22:42,286.122449 --> 00:22:44,86.122449 I think I saw. 330 00:22:44,746.122449 --> 00:22:47,596.122449 The age that maybe was six or so. 331 00:22:48,346.122449 --> 00:22:51,16.122449 There were all on the sheep. 332 00:22:51,16.122449 --> 00:22:54,376.122449 Then after the sheep was released. 333 00:22:55,66.122449 --> 00:22:59,146.122449 We were seeing who can stay on the sheep the longest. 334 00:22:59,266.122449 --> 00:23:00,676.122449 Oh my goodness. 335 00:23:01,216.122449 --> 00:23:03,106.122449 I laughed so hard. 336 00:23:03,166.122449 --> 00:23:04,846.122449 I was in tears. 337 00:23:05,176.122449 --> 00:23:12,286.122449 The pure joy of watching those little ones, trying to hold on for dear life onto the sheep wool. 338 00:23:12,706.122449 --> 00:23:15,976.122449 Laughter tears were just pure. 339 00:23:16,26.122449 --> 00:23:19,806.122449 It was so much fun to see that. 340 00:23:20,196.122449 --> 00:23:21,816.122449 And then, okay. 341 00:23:21,846.122449 --> 00:23:27,756.122449 Some were crying, but in the end, they're all laughing and want to get back on the sheep again. 342 00:23:28,836.122449 --> 00:23:34,266.122449 When was the last time you had pure tearful? Laughter. 343 00:23:35,66.122449 --> 00:23:39,56.122449 Laughter where you have to hold your legs together and run to the bathroom. 344 00:23:39,56.122449 --> 00:23:40,526.122449 So you don't pee on yourself. 345 00:23:40,556.122449 --> 00:23:40,856.122449 Like. 346 00:23:41,846.122449 --> 00:23:44,726.122449 Laughing so hard until you cry. 347 00:23:45,516.122449 --> 00:23:48,6.122449 That's soul refreshing. 348 00:23:49,986.122449 --> 00:23:51,666.122449 Oh, serious question now, though. 349 00:23:52,296.122449 --> 00:23:55,866.122449 Why did you get married? Why did you say yes. 350 00:23:56,526.122449 --> 00:24:00,196.122449 To your hubby, you know, the one with whom. 351 00:24:00,496.122449 --> 00:24:05,146.122449 It seems there are now irreconcilable differences. 352 00:24:06,206.122449 --> 00:24:18,356.122449 Have you ever been able to have conversations about your sexual needs? His sexual needs? There are many shades to sexuality, which is beyond the scope of this podcast. 353 00:24:18,686.122449 --> 00:24:21,806.122449 But a conversation that is worthwhile having. 354 00:24:22,796.122449 --> 00:24:24,206.122449 Keep it lighthearted. 355 00:24:25,16.122449 --> 00:24:26,396.122449 If Abel. 356 00:24:27,236.122449 --> 00:24:28,46.122449 Remember. 357 00:24:28,46.122449 --> 00:24:31,766.122449 Men for the most part are very visual. 358 00:24:32,366.122449 --> 00:24:34,496.122449 And for the most part. 359 00:24:35,196.122449 --> 00:24:40,206.122449 Mostly really do enjoy having sex. 360 00:24:41,166.122449 --> 00:24:44,406.122449 So, where can you meet him? Let's start with. 361 00:24:45,846.122449 --> 00:24:46,626.122449 Hey, babe. 362 00:24:47,406.122449 --> 00:24:50,316.122449 We have never spoken about sex and sexuality. 363 00:24:50,796.122449 --> 00:24:55,386.122449 Do you feel like we're guessing about what we each would like. 364 00:24:56,166.122449 --> 00:24:57,216.122449 Or prefer. 365 00:24:58,496.122449 --> 00:25:01,256.122449 Daily may not be possible, but. 366 00:25:03,716.122449 --> 00:25:04,196.122449 Right. 367 00:25:04,916.122449 --> 00:25:09,896.122449 Of course, you know, he's going to say, oh, I want to do it every day, but that's not possible. 368 00:25:10,826.122449 --> 00:25:11,696.122449 They can't hang. 369 00:25:12,356.122449 --> 00:25:25,436.122449 We are going to also discuss later on about erectile dysfunction and how that is affecting you, because there are females who are very sexual. 370 00:25:25,706.122449 --> 00:25:27,776.122449 I will not call it hypersexual. 371 00:25:27,806.122449 --> 00:25:30,806.122449 You are just very sexual and your needs. 372 00:25:31,166.122449 --> 00:25:32,936.122449 Also need to be met. 373 00:25:33,386.122449 --> 00:25:42,326.122449 And if that's not being mad because of erectile dysfunction or some illness, then that also need to be addressed. 374 00:25:43,26.122449 --> 00:25:47,436.122449 It's time to explore new ways to reconnect sexually. 375 00:25:48,666.122449 --> 00:25:52,146.122449 I cannot say what that would look like for you. 376 00:25:52,536.122449 --> 00:25:53,916.122449 But this, I do know. 377 00:25:54,186.122449 --> 00:25:56,916.122449 You will never know if you don't try. 378 00:25:57,396.122449 --> 00:26:00,276.122449 You will never know if you don't ask. 379 00:26:00,756.122449 --> 00:26:03,156.122449 Don't give up so easily. 380 00:26:03,796.122449 --> 00:26:08,26.122449 What do you want your legacy to be? You have a choice too. 381 00:26:08,436.122449 --> 00:26:12,516.122449 So the seven practical steps we discussed today include professional help. 382 00:26:12,756.122449 --> 00:26:13,986.122449 Is a good thing. 383 00:26:14,496.122449 --> 00:26:19,236.122449 Your personal happiness does matter, but. 384 00:26:20,436.122449 --> 00:26:21,606.122449 You've got work to do. 385 00:26:21,606.122449 --> 00:26:32,886.122449 And it's also partly your responsibility, or should I say mostly your responsibility? Work on rebuilding or building a new touchable. 386 00:26:33,396.122449 --> 00:26:34,686.122449 Social network. 387 00:26:35,406.122449 --> 00:26:38,226.122449 Touchable being the operative word here. 388 00:26:38,476.122449 --> 00:26:41,896.122449 You need a social network? Who is. 389 00:26:41,896.122449 --> 00:26:42,646.122449 Touchable. 390 00:26:43,486.122449 --> 00:26:46,786.122449 Not just social network on the screen. 391 00:26:47,776.122449 --> 00:26:49,486.122449 Reconnect with her hobby on. 392 00:26:49,516.122449 --> 00:26:50,716.122449 On all level. 393 00:26:51,706.122449 --> 00:26:53,206.122449 Balance is required. 394 00:26:53,416.122449 --> 00:26:59,86.122449 You can't just go to work and come home and then throw yourself into the bed or do the kids stuff. 395 00:26:59,266.122449 --> 00:27:01,456.122449 You cannot ignore your spouse. 396 00:27:01,906.122449 --> 00:27:07,906.122449 So reconnecting on all level to achieve some form of equilibrium. 397 00:27:08,606.122449 --> 00:27:09,686.122449 Your work life. 398 00:27:10,556.122449 --> 00:27:13,16.122449 Your family life, including your spouse. 399 00:27:13,876.122449 --> 00:27:15,16.122449 Your sex life. 400 00:27:15,316.122449 --> 00:27:17,596.122449 All of that needs to be balanced. 401 00:27:18,556.122449 --> 00:27:22,786.122449 Step away some time from your devices, digital detox. 402 00:27:23,86.122449 --> 00:27:25,186.122449 Raising your head to look up. 403 00:27:25,756.122449 --> 00:27:28,186.122449 And about you is essential. 404 00:27:28,256.122449 --> 00:27:28,736.122449 Now. 405 00:27:29,516.122449 --> 00:27:33,986.122449 Working together on a game or something on a device. 406 00:27:34,256.122449 --> 00:27:36,806.122449 Sometimes you may have to step away from that too. 407 00:27:36,866.122449 --> 00:27:41,96.122449 If you're staying up late at night, doing word puzzle or playing games. 408 00:27:41,636.122449 --> 00:27:44,426.122449 And your sexual needs are not being met. 409 00:27:44,936.122449 --> 00:27:46,736.122449 Again, Balance. 410 00:27:48,126.122449 --> 00:27:55,116.122449 Developing togetherness and mundane daily task and discover new things to do together. 411 00:27:55,566.122449 --> 00:28:00,546.122449 Outside the home can go a long way to ignite new sparks in your relationship. 412 00:28:01,56.122449 --> 00:28:02,136.122449 Try something new. 413 00:28:02,496.122449 --> 00:28:05,256.122449 Try something that's not in your culture. 414 00:28:05,286.122449 --> 00:28:07,536.122449 Look at a different culture and new activity. 415 00:28:07,756.122449 --> 00:28:13,6.122449 And continue the ignition with open sexual conversation. 416 00:28:14,146.122449 --> 00:28:16,516.122449 You got to talk about it and then you got to do it. 417 00:28:17,566.122449 --> 00:28:24,166.122449 According to my 1000 plus years of marital wisdom for those who have been so kind to share. 418 00:28:24,466.122449 --> 00:28:25,846.122449 And thank you all. 419 00:28:25,876.122449 --> 00:28:28,336.122449 I always remember. 420 00:28:28,846.122449 --> 00:28:33,16.122449 Deeply with every sinew off your being. 421 00:28:33,556.122449 --> 00:28:35,656.122449 Taken the words to heart. 422 00:28:36,796.122449 --> 00:28:39,856.122449 To have and to hold from this day forward. 423 00:28:40,786.122449 --> 00:28:43,366.122449 For better or for worse. 424 00:28:43,906.122449 --> 00:28:46,966.122449 For richer or for poor. 425 00:28:47,746.122449 --> 00:28:50,356.122449 In sickness and in health. 426 00:28:51,376.122449 --> 00:28:53,596.122449 To love and to cherish. 427 00:28:54,136.122449 --> 00:28:54,946.122449 Til death. 428 00:28:55,336.122449 --> 00:28:56,476.122449 Do us part. 429 00:28:57,46.122449 --> 00:29:00,436.122449 According to God's holy ordinance. 430 00:29:03,504.122449 --> 00:29:11,814.122449 Well, sister, friend, I know you have choices, so I thank you for tuning into Intimacy After podcast. 431 00:29:12,234.122449 --> 00:29:20,784.122449 You may subscribe for bimonthly alerts or stay in the know by visiting my website@queenquanta.com. 432 00:29:21,24.122449 --> 00:29:25,169.122449 That's Queen Q-U-A-N-T a.com. 433 00:29:25,939.122449 --> 00:29:34,314.122449 Until next time, remember, a life without Intimacy is like your favorite meal without salt. 434 00:29:35,199.122449 --> 00:29:37,819.122449 Ladies, let's spice it up. 435 00:29:38,319.122449 --> 00:29:41,609.122449 Life is beautiful, and God is awesome. 436 00:29:42,179.122449 --> 00:29:45,123.960449 This is Queen, signing out.
Hello and welcome.
.999This is Intimacy After, a podcast for mature women facing intimacy issues from various causes.
Please know you are not alone.
It is time to stop suffering in silence.
On this podcast, we give hope that through practice of simple steps and proven tips, you can improve intimacy and resurrect your love life.
(00:33):
Break free, learn to laugh again, to play again, to be happy, to love and know that you are loved.
I am your host, Queen.
Come on inside. 9 00:00:48,766.12244898 --> 00:00:52,6.12244898 Welcome inside to another episode off. 10 00:00:52,516.12244898 --> 00:00:54,136.12244898 Intimacy after. 11 00:00:54,646.12244898 --> 00:01:02,566.12244898 I overheard you my sister friend, after the last episode, focusing on single ladies, trying to hold on. 12 00:01:02,926.12244898 --> 00:01:04,546.12244898 And hold out. 13 00:01:05,476.12244898 --> 00:01:16,6.12244898 You said, what about us who are in it? What about us married ladies, we are on the other end of the spectrum and have marital issues. 14 00:01:16,36.12244898 --> 00:01:19,66.12244898 We would like to discuss some things too. 15 00:01:19,456.12244898 --> 00:01:20,176.12244898 Yes. 16 00:01:20,176.12244898 --> 00:01:20,746.12244898 Yes. 17 00:01:20,986.12244898 --> 00:01:25,426.12244898 From the outside, everything looks perfect. 18 00:01:25,756.12244898 --> 00:01:39,136.12244898 You've been married for a long time, but the internal analysis shows that you are in a distracted relationship, lonely, sexually frustrated and deprive. 19 00:01:39,736.12244898 --> 00:01:45,226.12244898 According to your messages, being married for a long time has its plus and minuses. 20 00:01:45,226.12244898 --> 00:01:51,226.12244898 And right now you're simply just not feeling the roommate vibe. 21 00:01:51,526.12244898 --> 00:01:55,606.12244898 Some of you are sleeping in separate rooms for various reasons. 22 00:01:56,26.12244898 --> 00:01:58,576.12244898 Others are considering divorce. 23 00:01:58,756.12244898 --> 00:02:01,666.12244898 Some are just living together, but separate, like. 24 00:02:02,116.12244898 --> 00:02:05,806.12244898 Two singles, just cohabitating. 25 00:02:06,16.12244898 --> 00:02:08,476.12244898 Some of you care about your significant other. 26 00:02:08,926.12244898 --> 00:02:13,306.12244898 And would never consider divorce, but, but. 27 00:02:13,996.12244898 --> 00:02:14,776.12244898 Yeah, I know. 28 00:02:15,76.12244898 --> 00:02:16,6.12244898 Other things. 29 00:02:16,306.12244898 --> 00:02:18,496.12244898 Something's got to give. 30 00:02:19,996.12244898 --> 00:02:23,956.12244898 This episode, we'll explore and go a little deeper. 31 00:02:24,496.12244898 --> 00:02:26,266.12244898 Into some of these issues. 32 00:02:26,356.12244898 --> 00:02:31,456.12244898 Of course, this is not all inclusive and does not replace a counselor. 33 00:02:31,546.12244898 --> 00:02:42,136.12244898 We're just having a little chat here, like a good girlfriend sitting down in a cafe and join coffee or tea or whatever beverage of choice. 34 00:02:42,376.12244898 --> 00:02:44,176.12244898 This is just a chat. 35 00:02:44,596.12244898 --> 00:02:46,186.12244898 Not counseling. 36 00:02:46,686.12244898 --> 00:02:56,856.12244898 With that being said, if you are single and or hoping to have a hubby someday take notes and avoid some of these traps. 37 00:02:57,306.12244898 --> 00:02:57,846.12244898 Okay. 38 00:02:58,116.12244898 --> 00:02:59,226.12244898 Let's have a chat. 39 00:02:59,956.12244898 --> 00:03:03,886.12244898 A lot of the issues that long-term marriages face. 40 00:03:04,396.12244898 --> 00:03:05,716.12244898 I'm not actually new. 41 00:03:06,106.12244898 --> 00:03:08,176.12244898 And didn't happen overnight. 42 00:03:08,716.12244898 --> 00:03:21,226.12244898 Am I correct? Or am I right? It's that slow boil we spoke about before, you know, that frog in the water that is kept on low heat for a slow boil. 43 00:03:21,736.12244898 --> 00:03:23,896.12244898 If that's low boil will kill a frog. 44 00:03:23,956.12244898 --> 00:03:28,456.12244898 The slow boil will kill anything, including your relationships. 45 00:03:28,576.12244898 --> 00:03:29,236.12244898 Yes. 46 00:03:29,266.12244898 --> 00:03:30,676.12244898 Your marriage. 47 00:03:30,946.12244898 --> 00:03:37,546.12244898 Some of the symptoms that are ignored and continue to be ignored. 48 00:03:38,116.12244898 --> 00:03:39,76.12244898 Include. 49 00:03:39,486.12244898 --> 00:03:46,626.12244898 Grunting for communication, barely even saying good morning or good evening. 50 00:03:47,646.12244898 --> 00:03:53,376.12244898 The monotony of day to day living the routine that has no vigor. 51 00:03:53,856.12244898 --> 00:03:56,226.12244898 Just downright boring. 52 00:03:57,96.12244898 --> 00:04:04,596.12244898 What about nothing of commonality to share? He likes to sunbathe your misses vampire. 53 00:04:04,866.12244898 --> 00:04:06,426.12244898 He likes yard work. 54 00:04:06,726.12244898 --> 00:04:11,556.12244898 You scream at the site of worms, he likes movies. 55 00:04:11,676.12244898 --> 00:04:13,56.12244898 You prefer to read. 56 00:04:13,506.12244898 --> 00:04:14,736.12244898 He likes to eat. 57 00:04:15,96.12244898 --> 00:04:16,266.12244898 You hate to cook. 58 00:04:17,46.12244898 --> 00:04:18,276.12244898 You get the drift. 59 00:04:19,36.12244898 --> 00:04:21,916.12244898 Then there are the unresolved conflicts. 60 00:04:22,966.12244898 --> 00:04:27,946.12244898 That is a sore that never heals anything swept under the rug. 61 00:04:28,216.12244898 --> 00:04:29,656.12244898 Never really goes away. 62 00:04:30,586.12244898 --> 00:04:40,36.12244898 It just festers gets infected and bitterness builds and boils and their little outburst over small things. 63 00:04:40,36.12244898 --> 00:04:40,996.12244898 And you're wondering. 64 00:04:41,866.12244898 --> 00:04:44,176.12244898 What happened? Right. 65 00:04:45,16.12244898 --> 00:04:49,696.12244898 That's the little conflict that never truly got resolved. 66 00:04:50,386.12244898 --> 00:05:03,796.12244898 Then there's the big one changes in a parent's weight gain, weight loss, medical needs, the gray hair balding, emotional needs and more. 67 00:05:04,126.12244898 --> 00:05:11,86.12244898 Physical and emotional changes requires a new skillset, not just tolerance. 68 00:05:11,956.12244898 --> 00:05:12,736.12244898 Yes. 69 00:05:13,36.12244898 --> 00:05:14,776.12244898 It requires work. 70 00:05:15,586.12244898 --> 00:05:21,406.12244898 And the big one too is also taken each other for granted. 71 00:05:23,26.12244898 --> 00:05:25,966.12244898 In order to not take each other for granted though. 72 00:05:26,296.12244898 --> 00:05:32,716.12244898 You will need to know how and when you feel appreciated, And the same goal for him as well. 73 00:05:33,676.12244898 --> 00:05:42,256.12244898 And after you figure out what makes you tick and what makes you smile from the inside out? Don't keep it a secret. 74 00:05:42,706.12244898 --> 00:05:44,86.12244898 You have to share it. 75 00:05:44,206.12244898 --> 00:05:47,656.12244898 So when something is done that you like, say it. 76 00:05:48,286.12244898 --> 00:05:51,76.12244898 Hey, I really appreciated you doing that. 77 00:05:51,76.12244898 --> 00:05:52,576.12244898 That makes me feel good. 78 00:05:52,846.12244898 --> 00:05:57,706.12244898 Whatever that may be for you share it. 79 00:05:57,916.12244898 --> 00:05:58,996.12244898 Communicate. 80 00:05:59,386.12244898 --> 00:06:06,556.12244898 And communication after a certain age and after a certain time of being married. 81 00:06:06,976.12244898 --> 00:06:08,26.12244898 It changes. 82 00:06:08,336.12244898 --> 00:06:10,676.12244898 New things happen over time. 83 00:06:10,676.12244898 --> 00:06:12,836.12244898 You have to keep up with the changes. 84 00:06:13,106.12244898 --> 00:06:17,786.12244898 You have to keep up with what you need to know to grow. 85 00:06:18,266.12244898 --> 00:06:21,416.12244898 It is the same with relationships. 86 00:06:21,836.12244898 --> 00:06:26,366.12244898 If you're going to grow in your work and vibe for that new position. 87 00:06:26,726.12244898 --> 00:06:32,786.12244898 Then you should grow in your relationship and vie for your husband as well. 88 00:06:33,596.12244898 --> 00:06:35,696.12244898 You have to do some work. 89 00:06:37,166.12244898 --> 00:06:40,406.12244898 It does sounds like work because it's is. 90 00:06:40,826.12244898 --> 00:06:42,806.12244898 Weary weary indeed. 91 00:06:43,106.12244898 --> 00:06:47,816.12244898 But there is importance in identifying your specific issues. 92 00:06:48,206.12244898 --> 00:06:51,116.12244898 This self awareness is a start. 93 00:06:51,266.12244898 --> 00:06:53,486.12244898 So congrats for being here today. 94 00:06:53,666.12244898 --> 00:06:55,646.12244898 Congrats for listening in. 95 00:06:56,306.12244898 --> 00:07:05,96.12244898 But again, disclaimer, here as always, whenever we're dealing with these kinds of topics, I have to give my disclaimer. 96 00:07:05,936.12244898 --> 00:07:07,436.12244898 So this discussion. 97 00:07:07,916.12244898 --> 00:07:12,266.12244898 Does not include discussion of abuse of any kind. 98 00:07:12,656.12244898 --> 00:07:15,26.12244898 That is beyond the scope of this podcast. 99 00:07:15,446.12244898 --> 00:07:17,96.12244898 I would encourage you. 100 00:07:17,456.12244898 --> 00:07:21,926.12244898 If you are in a situation of abuse of any kind. 101 00:07:22,226.12244898 --> 00:07:24,416.12244898 To seek professional help. 102 00:07:24,806.12244898 --> 00:07:37,976.12244898 The role of therapy and counseling will play a huge role in any situation, but specifically in those that are drenched and covered in abuse, that should not be tolerated. 103 00:07:38,516.12244898 --> 00:07:49,446.12244898 There are also other avenues for assistance through your church and other local organizations that support women who are going through. 104 00:07:50,276.12244898 --> 00:07:50,846.12244898 Abuse. 105 00:07:50,876.12244898 --> 00:07:54,446.12244898 So please do seek that kind of help. 106 00:07:54,986.12244898 --> 00:07:55,676.12244898 Okay. 107 00:07:56,456.12244898 --> 00:07:56,936.12244898 All right. 108 00:07:58,316.12244898 --> 00:08:00,56.12244898 So let's start with. 109 00:08:00,446.12244898 --> 00:08:02,816.12244898 The distraction side of things. 110 00:08:03,416.12244898 --> 00:08:09,926.12244898 When was the last time you went on a date night? We went on a date night. 111 00:08:10,406.12244898 --> 00:08:11,336.12244898 Finally. 112 00:08:11,696.12244898 --> 00:08:15,956.12244898 After drop in what I thought were an Advil size hands. 113 00:08:16,346.12244898 --> 00:08:19,136.12244898 But that's something I've learned over the years. 114 00:08:19,186.12244898 --> 00:08:22,606.12244898 We went out to a relatively okay. 115 00:08:22,606.12244898 --> 00:08:25,426.12244898 Restaurant, the fall back activity. 116 00:08:25,426.12244898 --> 00:08:25,816.12244898 Right. 117 00:08:26,86.12244898 --> 00:08:31,66.12244898 We always could fall back on going to the movies or going to a restaurant. 118 00:08:31,696.12244898 --> 00:08:32,536.12244898 It's something. 119 00:08:33,796.12244898 --> 00:08:39,796.12244898 But as I was sitting down and surveilling the room, yes, I still do that. 120 00:08:39,796.12244898 --> 00:08:42,316.12244898 It's the military part of me that lives on. 121 00:08:42,796.12244898 --> 00:08:50,596.12244898 Many other couples in the room seemed to be enjoying their phones more than their partners. 122 00:08:51,496.12244898 --> 00:08:53,836.12244898 He reached for his phone and I shot him. 123 00:08:54,46.12244898 --> 00:08:55,6.12244898 Ven, look. 124 00:08:55,576.12244898 --> 00:08:57,976.12244898 I'm very protective of my cutie. 125 00:08:58,576.12244898 --> 00:08:59,566.12244898 Quality time. 126 00:09:00,136.12244898 --> 00:09:00,946.12244898 Are you. 127 00:09:01,486.12244898 --> 00:09:07,786.12244898 This is not just a kids teenage or a young adult thing anymore. 128 00:09:08,396.12244898 --> 00:09:12,746.12244898 Most folks are downright hypnotized by media. 129 00:09:13,736.12244898 --> 00:09:15,986.12244898 Long hours in front of the tele. 130 00:09:16,436.12244898 --> 00:09:23,426.12244898 Phase four forever in the phone playing a game or giggling or swiping left, right. 131 00:09:23,426.12244898 --> 00:09:28,856.12244898 Or swiping down up, or watching others live their best life. 132 00:09:28,886.12244898 --> 00:09:29,366.12244898 Now. 133 00:09:29,636.12244898 --> 00:09:32,536.12244898 Why the life of your relationship. 134 00:09:32,956.12244898 --> 00:09:34,126.12244898 Your hubby. 135 00:09:34,546.12244898 --> 00:09:36,106.12244898 With your family. 136 00:09:37,6.12244898 --> 00:09:38,986.12244898 Seems to drain away. 137 00:09:38,986.12244898 --> 00:09:46,926.12244898 What about digital detox? We'll reduce in screen time, improve presence and attentiveness. 138 00:09:47,826.12244898 --> 00:09:54,156.12244898 Maybe not right away, because at the sound of the inevitable question, Okay. 139 00:09:54,156.12244898 --> 00:09:59,376.12244898 So what do you want to do instead? Then comes the panic looking response. 140 00:09:59,706.12244898 --> 00:10:01,806.12244898 Well, well, I don't know. 141 00:10:01,986.12244898 --> 00:10:07,806.12244898 What do you want to do? This simply invites more frustrations. 142 00:10:08,106.12244898 --> 00:10:15,966.12244898 If you have demands of not using the phone or not being on the tele or not playing the games. 143 00:10:16,686.12244898 --> 00:10:21,126.12244898 But have no plan in place, then there will be frustration. 144 00:10:21,126.12244898 --> 00:10:22,476.12244898 You have to have a plan. 145 00:10:22,476.12244898 --> 00:10:33,66.12244898 If you don't want him to do this, then what would you like to do instead? If you want to reduce screen time to improve presence and attentiveness. 146 00:10:33,576.12244898 --> 00:10:35,46.12244898 Get a plan. 147 00:10:35,376.12244898 --> 00:10:36,396.12244898 In place. 148 00:10:37,356.12244898 --> 00:10:40,416.12244898 You know, I was thinking back. 149 00:10:40,416.12244898 --> 00:10:43,446.12244898 To the time when I was growing up in Jamaica. 150 00:10:44,16.12244898 --> 00:10:47,226.12244898 When the TV come on at a certain time. 151 00:10:47,286.12244898 --> 00:10:51,756.12244898 And then go off and you get that beautiful rainbow thing on Vitaly. 152 00:10:51,786.12244898 --> 00:10:52,926.12244898 And then it'll come back on. 153 00:10:52,926.12244898 --> 00:10:56,46.12244898 Later in the afternoon, we had only two stations. 154 00:10:56,616.12244898 --> 00:11:09,96.12244898 And a lot of the programs that we receive we're programs from the UK, and I'm thinking about my grandparents, because the last part of residing in Jamaica. 155 00:11:09,456.12244898 --> 00:11:11,786.12244898 I lived with my grandparents, and. 156 00:11:11,786.12244898 --> 00:11:17,186.12244898 I just don't recall there being this money. 157 00:11:17,216.12244898 --> 00:11:18,236.12244898 Distractions. 158 00:11:18,236.12244898 --> 00:11:18,836.12244898 Do you. 159 00:11:19,586.12244898 --> 00:11:21,206.12244898 We would sit out. 160 00:11:21,566.12244898 --> 00:11:27,506.12244898 On the porch and we would have evenings where we just talk and laugh. 161 00:11:27,866.12244898 --> 00:11:30,146.12244898 And recall X, Y, Z. 162 00:11:31,286.12244898 --> 00:11:35,636.12244898 In most time when the tele is on, my grandpa may watch cricket. 163 00:11:36,416.12244898 --> 00:11:38,36.12244898 I, I, I know cricket. 164 00:11:38,66.12244898 --> 00:11:41,6.12244898 That's why I cannot get through this baseball thing these days. 165 00:11:41,36.12244898 --> 00:11:41,306.12244898 But. 166 00:11:42,476.12244898 --> 00:11:44,36.12244898 It was either cricket. 167 00:11:44,546.12244898 --> 00:11:56,66.12244898 Or boxing when those two things are on, we have no other option, but to go sit out on the porch and chit chat with each other. 168 00:11:56,886.12244898 --> 00:11:59,916.12244898 But there weren't any phones. 169 00:11:59,946.12244898 --> 00:12:01,326.12244898 They weren't any cell phone. 170 00:12:01,326.12244898 --> 00:12:03,636.12244898 We didn't even have a phone in the home back then. 171 00:12:04,116.12244898 --> 00:12:07,506.12244898 So, what did we do? We actually read. 172 00:12:08,406.12244898 --> 00:12:12,216.12244898 And we actually spoke with each other. 173 00:12:13,176.12244898 --> 00:12:18,426.12244898 Have you ever just had a glass of wine or a drink? And just sat down. 174 00:12:18,756.12244898 --> 00:12:20,526.12244898 No television, nothing. 175 00:12:21,36.12244898 --> 00:12:21,726.12244898 And just. 176 00:12:22,356.12244898 --> 00:12:23,76.12244898 Talk. 177 00:12:24,46.12244898 --> 00:12:27,166.12244898 Beat about life in general, the family. 178 00:12:27,496.12244898 --> 00:12:30,106.12244898 Your hopes, your vision just. 179 00:12:30,886.12244898 --> 00:12:33,466.12244898 Talk, whatever happened to that. 180 00:12:34,606.12244898 --> 00:12:35,56.12244898 Hmm. 181 00:12:36,356.12244898 --> 00:12:39,266.12244898 Then there is the part about loneliness. 182 00:12:39,986.12244898 --> 00:12:43,256.12244898 If you want to address loneliness. 183 00:12:44,156.12244898 --> 00:12:51,236.12244898 This plan should have included friendships and social connections outside the marriage. 184 00:12:51,746.12244898 --> 00:12:57,836.12244898 Having and maintaining your own interests is an antidote for loneliness as well. 185 00:12:58,826.12244898 --> 00:13:04,316.12244898 If you're listening and not yet married, this is so very important. 186 00:13:04,976.12244898 --> 00:13:08,66.12244898 If nothing else for sanity sake. 187 00:13:08,546.12244898 --> 00:13:11,336.12244898 Maintain some form of friendship. 188 00:13:11,726.12244898 --> 00:13:16,526.12244898 Community involvement, et cetera, outside of your marriage. 189 00:13:16,916.12244898 --> 00:13:18,506.12244898 So tell me, sister, friend. 190 00:13:19,406.12244898 --> 00:13:32,386.12244898 What else do you do? Are you pursuing personal interests or hobbies? I know you won't like this, but you're responsible for making yourself happy. 191 00:13:33,46.12244898 --> 00:13:33,646.12244898 Yup. 192 00:13:34,306.12244898 --> 00:13:37,846.12244898 He's there to make you happier. 193 00:13:38,296.12244898 --> 00:13:42,136.12244898 And you were there to make him happier. 194 00:13:42,736.12244898 --> 00:13:47,206.12244898 Together, you'd go skipping down the road, the happiest couple ever. 195 00:13:49,606.12244898 --> 00:13:53,776.12244898 Remember happiness is based on happenings though. 196 00:13:53,956.12244898 --> 00:13:55,966.12244898 So that can fluctuate. 197 00:13:56,716.12244898 --> 00:13:57,976.12244898 Seek joy. 198 00:13:58,696.12244898 --> 00:14:01,546.12244898 Something that's there deep inside of you. 199 00:14:01,546.12244898 --> 00:14:04,846.12244898 The appreciativeness gratitude, just. 200 00:14:05,746.12244898 --> 00:14:07,246.12244898 Being aware. 201 00:14:08,26.12244898 --> 00:14:10,186.12244898 Happiness comes and goes. 202 00:14:10,246.12244898 --> 00:14:14,386.12244898 And if you want to be happy, find ways to make yourself happy. 203 00:14:14,386.12244898 --> 00:14:17,296.12244898 So together, you could be happier. 204 00:14:17,536.12244898 --> 00:14:18,16.12244898 Look. 205 00:14:19,216.12244898 --> 00:14:20,356.12244898 I'm not going to lie. 206 00:14:20,716.12244898 --> 00:14:21,976.12244898 This is going to take work. 207 00:14:22,786.12244898 --> 00:14:25,846.12244898 I have the collective knowledge of over. 208 00:14:26,116.12244898 --> 00:14:29,236.12244898 1000 years of answers to. 209 00:14:29,926.12244898 --> 00:14:34,546.12244898 How did you stay married for so long? What's the secret sauce. 210 00:14:35,66.12244898 --> 00:14:50,66.12244898 Inevitably, this is one of my favorite question to ask patients when greeting them in follow-up and those who have been married for 40 years, 50 years, 60 some even 70 years. 211 00:14:50,66.12244898 --> 00:14:50,816.12244898 Yes. 212 00:14:51,26.12244898 --> 00:14:52,706.12244898 70 years. 213 00:14:52,976.12244898 --> 00:14:54,326.12244898 This is not a myth. 214 00:14:54,596.12244898 --> 00:15:01,466.12244898 I did say 70 years, not seven months or seven years, 70 years. 215 00:15:02,216.12244898 --> 00:15:08,966.12244898 I spoke with the equivalent off, what could be referred to as marital dinosaurs. 216 00:15:09,326.12244898 --> 00:15:11,846.12244898 And learned quite a bit. 217 00:15:12,746.12244898 --> 00:15:18,236.12244898 Here's the 1000 plus years wisdom I've garnered over the years. 218 00:15:18,936.12244898 --> 00:15:19,956.12244898 If you are bored. 219 00:15:20,766.12244898 --> 00:15:22,536.12244898 That's because you are boring. 220 00:15:22,986.12244898 --> 00:15:24,396.12244898 Oh, ouch. 221 00:15:25,376.12244898 --> 00:15:26,366.12244898 Hm. 222 00:15:27,776.12244898 --> 00:15:29,486.12244898 If you are lonely. 223 00:15:29,996.12244898 --> 00:15:31,976.12244898 You can do something about it. 224 00:15:32,546.12244898 --> 00:15:36,446.12244898 Your husband is along for the ride. 225 00:15:37,646.12244898 --> 00:15:38,426.12244898 Hm. 226 00:15:39,266.12244898 --> 00:15:40,436.12244898 I know. 227 00:15:40,856.12244898 --> 00:15:48,776.12244898 Why do you have to do everything? You both took the vow to have and to hold from this day forward. 228 00:15:49,76.12244898 --> 00:15:58,376.12244898 Doesn't it seem as though if you don't do anything for the fun portion of the relationship, most times it doesn't get done. 229 00:15:59,156.12244898 --> 00:16:04,346.12244898 Is your brain just tired and you're simply frustrated with being the one, doing this. 230 00:16:04,796.12244898 --> 00:16:06,596.12244898 All the time. 231 00:16:07,896.12244898 --> 00:16:10,296.12244898 So what's your alternative. 232 00:16:10,896.12244898 --> 00:16:12,516.12244898 To have an hold yourself. 233 00:16:13,356.12244898 --> 00:16:19,536.12244898 The grass is not greener on the other side and per chance it is. 234 00:16:20,76.12244898 --> 00:16:27,96.12244898 That is because someone is tending and watering the grass on that side, too. 235 00:16:27,966.12244898 --> 00:16:29,736.12244898 It is still work. 236 00:16:30,336.12244898 --> 00:16:36,946.12244898 So why not do the work on your side? Another thing I stopped expecting perfection from your husband. 237 00:16:37,846.12244898 --> 00:16:41,866.122449 If he does something all the time, that annoys you, stop focusing on it. 238 00:16:42,76.122449 --> 00:16:43,696.122449 Just call it the 20%. 239 00:16:44,146.122449 --> 00:16:48,586.122449 And look at the 80% of all the wonderful things that's going on. 240 00:16:48,806.122449 --> 00:16:49,316.122449 Right. 241 00:16:49,586.122449 --> 00:16:51,506.122449 So let's pivot. 242 00:16:52,16.122449 --> 00:16:55,646.122449 And acknowledged the 20% of deficiency. 243 00:16:56,66.122449 --> 00:17:01,646.122449 But focus on the 80% of wonderfulness that you said yes to. 244 00:17:02,986.122449 --> 00:17:05,266.122449 Remember? Disclaimer alert. 245 00:17:05,626.122449 --> 00:17:11,206.122449 This does not apply to anyone going through abuse in any shape or form. 246 00:17:11,566.122449 --> 00:17:18,586.122449 This is not something that you can fix on your own and abuse is not a fault. 247 00:17:19,36.122449 --> 00:17:22,126.122449 That you have caused upon yourself. 248 00:17:22,576.122449 --> 00:17:36,526.122449 If you find yourself in an undesirable situation, there are accommodations in communities close to you that can provide counseling, shelter care and more. 249 00:17:37,126.122449 --> 00:17:46,156.122449 So speak with your local authorities, churches, and other organizations for additional information regarding safety. 250 00:17:46,726.122449 --> 00:17:49,6.122449 In those kind of situation. 251 00:17:49,726.122449 --> 00:17:50,746.122449 My bluntness. 252 00:17:50,746.122449 --> 00:17:53,476.122449 And what I'm speaking about here today. 253 00:17:53,776.122449 --> 00:17:58,276.122449 Does not relate to abuse of any kind. 254 00:17:59,126.122449 --> 00:17:59,606.122449 Okay. 255 00:18:00,206.122449 --> 00:18:02,546.122449 So now we are on board with seeking help. 256 00:18:02,576.122449 --> 00:18:07,376.122449 If it's needed for any unsafe environment, let's get back to the topic. 257 00:18:07,796.122449 --> 00:18:13,946.122449 How to start watering your grass to make it green again on your side. 258 00:18:15,656.122449 --> 00:18:17,66.122449 Don't give up yet. 259 00:18:17,756.122449 --> 00:18:23,246.122449 What about finding joy in mundane activities? Together. 260 00:18:24,96.122449 --> 00:18:26,796.122449 Washing the dishes together. 261 00:18:27,876.122449 --> 00:18:28,566.122449 Cooking. 262 00:18:29,226.122449 --> 00:18:29,946.122449 Together. 263 00:18:31,236.122449 --> 00:18:43,266.122449 Over the past few years, one of the things we've done together is play word games on a note book and or iPad and challenge each other with word building. 264 00:18:43,866.122449 --> 00:18:46,296.122449 Not nerdy at all. 265 00:18:47,706.122449 --> 00:18:51,216.122449 The whole idea is to do something together. 266 00:18:51,336.122449 --> 00:18:59,406.122449 So if he's going to be on the phone and playing games, make it a game that y'all can play together. 267 00:19:00,106.122449 --> 00:19:04,726.122449 Date nights, quality time shared activities. 268 00:19:05,476.122449 --> 00:19:06,826.122449 Don't force it though. 269 00:19:07,396.122449 --> 00:19:08,536.122449 Start slow. 270 00:19:09,436.122449 --> 00:19:10,126.122449 Gentle. 271 00:19:10,876.122449 --> 00:19:18,16.122449 What are some of the things he may not mind to win? You may not be a sports fan. 272 00:19:18,286.122449 --> 00:19:27,226.122449 But if the budget allows, how about going to a sports event together? He's into NFL or college football. 273 00:19:27,706.122449 --> 00:19:32,266.122449 Start with supporting your neighbors kid on the local high school football game. 274 00:19:33,316.122449 --> 00:19:34,366.122449 One, a laugh. 275 00:19:34,876.122449 --> 00:19:36,406.122449 Watch a Peewee game. 276 00:19:36,826.122449 --> 00:19:37,816.122449 I remember. 277 00:19:38,86.122449 --> 00:19:38,416.122449 Yeah. 278 00:19:38,626.122449 --> 00:19:41,716.122449 I remember when I was stationed in San Antonio, Texas. 279 00:19:42,316.122449 --> 00:19:43,486.122449 It was hot. 280 00:19:43,846.122449 --> 00:19:45,496.122449 From sunup to sundown. 281 00:19:45,526.122449 --> 00:19:48,796.122449 And honestly, it was just not one of my favorite. 282 00:19:49,156.122449 --> 00:19:49,846.122449 Assignment. 283 00:19:50,726.122449 --> 00:19:52,316.122449 The river walk was great. 284 00:19:52,796.122449 --> 00:19:55,736.122449 But could only go there, but so often. 285 00:19:56,276.122449 --> 00:20:03,536.122449 One of my patient mentioned to me about the rodeo coming to town and how much fun it would be. 286 00:20:04,376.122449 --> 00:20:05,336.122449 Rodeo. 287 00:20:07,46.122449 --> 00:20:08,246.122449 I'm from Jamaica. 288 00:20:08,246.122449 --> 00:20:10,706.122449 What kind of rodeo? I'm a city girl. 289 00:20:11,66.122449 --> 00:20:13,106.122449 I have no idea rodeo. 290 00:20:13,406.122449 --> 00:20:15,116.122449 And that's one of the things I have to say. 291 00:20:15,116.122449 --> 00:20:24,236.122449 The military really introduce you to a plethora of activities that you otherwise would not have considered. 292 00:20:24,536.122449 --> 00:20:32,396.122449 So if you're not military, I consider some of the things that may be outside of your norm. 293 00:20:33,56.122449 --> 00:20:38,6.122449 My best friend back in medical school, dragging me to the slopes to go ski. 294 00:20:38,6.122449 --> 00:20:40,586.122449 And now mind you, I was like the only. 295 00:20:40,586.122449 --> 00:20:41,996.122449 Black person there. 296 00:20:42,86.122449 --> 00:20:50,516.122449 And I was yelling at the trees to get out of my way, but let me tell you, I had so much fun. 297 00:20:50,726.122449 --> 00:20:52,376.122449 We went a few more times. 298 00:20:52,886.122449 --> 00:20:54,776.122449 You just have to try. 299 00:20:55,256.122449 --> 00:21:02,6.122449 It's a little bit less tabooed to have black folks on the skiing slopes. 300 00:21:02,906.122449 --> 00:21:06,896.122449 But that was my stepping out and trying something new. 301 00:21:06,956.122449 --> 00:21:11,426.122449 I was with a good friend of mine who had my best interests at heart. 302 00:21:11,756.122449 --> 00:21:15,146.122449 And so I was comfortable sharing in her culture. 303 00:21:15,986.122449 --> 00:21:21,266.122449 So maybe we need to have friends of different culture. 304 00:21:21,596.122449 --> 00:21:23,876.122449 And sheer in different things. 305 00:21:23,906.122449 --> 00:21:26,696.122449 I remember the first Indian wedding I went to. 306 00:21:27,416.122449 --> 00:21:28,766.122449 I love spicy food. 307 00:21:28,766.122449 --> 00:21:29,516.122449 I'm from the Caribbean. 308 00:21:29,546.122449 --> 00:21:30,566.122449 I love spicy food. 309 00:21:31,16.122449 --> 00:21:38,996.122449 That wedding was off the chain, the activity that glamour the food. 310 00:21:39,386.122449 --> 00:21:39,746.122449 Okay. 311 00:21:40,256.122449 --> 00:21:41,6.122449 Let's get back. 312 00:21:41,616.122449 --> 00:21:45,366.122449 So when I was in San Antonio, I decided, okay. 313 00:21:46,26.122449 --> 00:21:49,356.122449 Let me go and check out this rodeo. 314 00:21:50,436.122449 --> 00:21:51,636.122449 Oh, wow. 315 00:21:52,536.122449 --> 00:21:53,436.122449 Rodeo. 316 00:21:54,186.122449 --> 00:21:55,386.122449 Never heard of it. 317 00:21:55,836.122449 --> 00:21:58,836.122449 And wasn't really interested. 318 00:21:59,796.122449 --> 00:22:06,606.122449 But can I tell you it was the most natural fun that I ever had. 319 00:22:07,596.122449 --> 00:22:11,466.122449 I actually still have my buckle with the belt. 320 00:22:11,556.122449 --> 00:22:14,106.122449 Uh, wrong is a very thick like brown belt. 321 00:22:14,106.122449 --> 00:22:17,106.122449 It's got an Eagle on it and it says us army. 322 00:22:17,406.122449 --> 00:22:19,56.122449 And my big buckle. 323 00:22:19,566.122449 --> 00:22:20,976.122449 As an Eagle on it. 324 00:22:21,336.122449 --> 00:22:30,816.122449 I wear with my jeans every now and that, but that's one of my pride purchase and I have this little bracelet made of leather of different colors. 325 00:22:31,266.122449 --> 00:22:32,736.122449 So the shopping was there. 326 00:22:32,736.122449 --> 00:22:34,356.122449 So that was good. 327 00:22:34,746.122449 --> 00:22:37,86.122449 Thumbs up for the rodeo on that side. 328 00:22:37,936.122449 --> 00:22:42,256.122449 But there was an event where the kids different age range. 329 00:22:42,286.122449 --> 00:22:44,86.122449 I think I saw. 330 00:22:44,746.122449 --> 00:22:47,596.122449 The age that maybe was six or so. 331 00:22:48,346.122449 --> 00:22:51,16.122449 There were all on the sheep. 332 00:22:51,16.122449 --> 00:22:54,376.122449 Then after the sheep was released. 333 00:22:55,66.122449 --> 00:22:59,146.122449 We were seeing who can stay on the sheep the longest. 334 00:22:59,266.122449 --> 00:23:00,676.122449 Oh my goodness. 335 00:23:01,216.122449 --> 00:23:03,106.122449 I laughed so hard. 336 00:23:03,166.122449 --> 00:23:04,846.122449 I was in tears. 337 00:23:05,176.122449 --> 00:23:12,286.122449 The pure joy of watching those little ones, trying to hold on for dear life onto the sheep wool. 338 00:23:12,706.122449 --> 00:23:15,976.122449 Laughter tears were just pure. 339 00:23:16,26.122449 --> 00:23:19,806.122449 It was so much fun to see that. 340 00:23:20,196.122449 --> 00:23:21,816.122449 And then, okay. 341 00:23:21,846.122449 --> 00:23:27,756.122449 Some were crying, but in the end, they're all laughing and want to get back on the sheep again. 342 00:23:28,836.122449 --> 00:23:34,266.122449 When was the last time you had pure tearful? Laughter. 343 00:23:35,66.122449 --> 00:23:39,56.122449 Laughter where you have to hold your legs together and run to the bathroom. 344 00:23:39,56.122449 --> 00:23:40,526.122449 So you don't pee on yourself. 345 00:23:40,556.122449 --> 00:23:40,856.122449 Like. 346 00:23:41,846.122449 --> 00:23:44,726.122449 Laughing so hard until you cry. 347 00:23:45,516.122449 --> 00:23:48,6.122449 That's soul refreshing. 348 00:23:49,986.122449 --> 00:23:51,666.122449 Oh, serious question now, though. 349 00:23:52,296.122449 --> 00:23:55,866.122449 Why did you get married? Why did you say yes. 350 00:23:56,526.122449 --> 00:24:00,196.122449 To your hubby, you know, the one with whom. 351 00:24:00,496.122449 --> 00:24:05,146.122449 It seems there are now irreconcilable differences. 352 00:24:06,206.122449 --> 00:24:18,356.122449 Have you ever been able to have conversations about your sexual needs? His sexual needs? There are many shades to sexuality, which is beyond the scope of this podcast. 353 00:24:18,686.122449 --> 00:24:21,806.122449 But a conversation that is worthwhile having. 354 00:24:22,796.122449 --> 00:24:24,206.122449 Keep it lighthearted. 355 00:24:25,16.122449 --> 00:24:26,396.122449 If Abel. 356 00:24:27,236.122449 --> 00:24:28,46.122449 Remember. 357 00:24:28,46.122449 --> 00:24:31,766.122449 Men for the most part are very visual. 358 00:24:32,366.122449 --> 00:24:34,496.122449 And for the most part. 359 00:24:35,196.122449 --> 00:24:40,206.122449 Mostly really do enjoy having sex. 360 00:24:41,166.122449 --> 00:24:44,406.122449 So, where can you meet him? Let's start with. 361 00:24:45,846.122449 --> 00:24:46,626.122449 Hey, babe. 362 00:24:47,406.122449 --> 00:24:50,316.122449 We have never spoken about sex and sexuality. 363 00:24:50,796.122449 --> 00:24:55,386.122449 Do you feel like we're guessing about what we each would like. 364 00:24:56,166.122449 --> 00:24:57,216.122449 Or prefer. 365 00:24:58,496.122449 --> 00:25:01,256.122449 Daily may not be possible, but. 366 00:25:03,716.122449 --> 00:25:04,196.122449 Right. 367 00:25:04,916.122449 --> 00:25:09,896.122449 Of course, you know, he's going to say, oh, I want to do it every day, but that's not possible. 368 00:25:10,826.122449 --> 00:25:11,696.122449 They can't hang. 369 00:25:12,356.122449 --> 00:25:25,436.122449 We are going to also discuss later on about erectile dysfunction and how that is affecting you, because there are females who are very sexual. 370 00:25:25,706.122449 --> 00:25:27,776.122449 I will not call it hypersexual. 371 00:25:27,806.122449 --> 00:25:30,806.122449 You are just very sexual and your needs. 372 00:25:31,166.122449 --> 00:25:32,936.122449 Also need to be met. 373 00:25:33,386.122449 --> 00:25:42,326.122449 And if that's not being mad because of erectile dysfunction or some illness, then that also need to be addressed. 374 00:25:43,26.122449 --> 00:25:47,436.122449 It's time to explore new ways to reconnect sexually. 375 00:25:48,666.122449 --> 00:25:52,146.122449 I cannot say what that would look like for you. 376 00:25:52,536.122449 --> 00:25:53,916.122449 But this, I do know. 377 00:25:54,186.122449 --> 00:25:56,916.122449 You will never know if you don't try. 378 00:25:57,396.122449 --> 00:26:00,276.122449 You will never know if you don't ask. 379 00:26:00,756.122449 --> 00:26:03,156.122449 Don't give up so easily. 380 00:26:03,796.122449 --> 00:26:08,26.122449 What do you want your legacy to be? You have a choice too. 381 00:26:08,436.122449 --> 00:26:12,516.122449 So the seven practical steps we discussed today include professional help. 382 00:26:12,756.122449 --> 00:26:13,986.122449 Is a good thing. 383 00:26:14,496.122449 --> 00:26:19,236.122449 Your personal happiness does matter, but. 384 00:26:20,436.122449 --> 00:26:21,606.122449 You've got work to do. 385 00:26:21,606.122449 --> 00:26:32,886.122449 And it's also partly your responsibility, or should I say mostly your responsibility? Work on rebuilding or building a new touchable. 386 00:26:33,396.122449 --> 00:26:34,686.122449 Social network. 387 00:26:35,406.122449 --> 00:26:38,226.122449 Touchable being the operative word here. 388 00:26:38,476.122449 --> 00:26:41,896.122449 You need a social network? Who is. 389 00:26:41,896.122449 --> 00:26:42,646.122449 Touchable. 390 00:26:43,486.122449 --> 00:26:46,786.122449 Not just social network on the screen. 391 00:26:47,776.122449 --> 00:26:49,486.122449 Reconnect with her hobby on. 392 00:26:49,516.122449 --> 00:26:50,716.122449 On all level. 393 00:26:51,706.122449 --> 00:26:53,206.122449 Balance is required. 394 00:26:53,416.122449 --> 00:26:59,86.122449 You can't just go to work and come home and then throw yourself into the bed or do the kids stuff. 395 00:26:59,266.122449 --> 00:27:01,456.122449 You cannot ignore your spouse. 396 00:27:01,906.122449 --> 00:27:07,906.122449 So reconnecting on all level to achieve some form of equilibrium. 397 00:27:08,606.122449 --> 00:27:09,686.122449 Your work life. 398 00:27:10,556.122449 --> 00:27:13,16.122449 Your family life, including your spouse. 399 00:27:13,876.122449 --> 00:27:15,16.122449 Your sex life. 400 00:27:15,316.122449 --> 00:27:17,596.122449 All of that needs to be balanced. 401 00:27:18,556.122449 --> 00:27:22,786.122449 Step away some time from your devices, digital detox. 402 00:27:23,86.122449 --> 00:27:25,186.122449 Raising your head to look up. 403 00:27:25,756.122449 --> 00:27:28,186.122449 And about you is essential. 404 00:27:28,256.122449 --> 00:27:28,736.122449 Now. 405 00:27:29,516.122449 --> 00:27:33,986.122449 Working together on a game or something on a device. 406 00:27:34,256.122449 --> 00:27:36,806.122449 Sometimes you may have to step away from that too. 407 00:27:36,866.122449 --> 00:27:41,96.122449 If you're staying up late at night, doing word puzzle or playing games. 408 00:27:41,636.122449 --> 00:27:44,426.122449 And your sexual needs are not being met. 409 00:27:44,936.122449 --> 00:27:46,736.122449 Again, Balance. 410 00:27:48,126.122449 --> 00:27:55,116.122449 Developing togetherness and mundane daily task and discover new things to do together. 411 00:27:55,566.122449 --> 00:28:00,546.122449 Outside the home can go a long way to ignite new sparks in your relationship. 412 00:28:01,56.122449 --> 00:28:02,136.122449 Try something new. 413 00:28:02,496.122449 --> 00:28:05,256.122449 Try something that's not in your culture. 414 00:28:05,286.122449 --> 00:28:07,536.122449 Look at a different culture and new activity. 415 00:28:07,756.122449 --> 00:28:13,6.122449 And continue the ignition with open sexual conversation. 416 00:28:14,146.122449 --> 00:28:16,516.122449 You got to talk about it and then you got to do it. 417 00:28:17,566.122449 --> 00:28:24,166.122449 According to my 1000 plus years of marital wisdom for those who have been so kind to share. 418 00:28:24,466.122449 --> 00:28:25,846.122449 And thank you all. 419 00:28:25,876.122449 --> 00:28:28,336.122449 I always remember. 420 00:28:28,846.122449 --> 00:28:33,16.122449 Deeply with every sinew off your being. 421 00:28:33,556.122449 --> 00:28:35,656.122449 Taken the words to heart. 422 00:28:36,796.122449 --> 00:28:39,856.122449 To have and to hold from this day forward. 423 00:28:40,786.122449 --> 00:28:43,366.122449 For better or for worse. 424 00:28:43,906.122449 --> 00:28:46,966.122449 For richer or for poor. 425 00:28:47,746.122449 --> 00:28:50,356.122449 In sickness and in health. 426 00:28:51,376.122449 --> 00:28:53,596.122449 To love and to cherish. 427 00:28:54,136.122449 --> 00:28:54,946.122449 Til death. 428 00:28:55,336.122449 --> 00:28:56,476.122449 Do us part. 429 00:28:57,46.122449 --> 00:29:00,436.122449 According to God's holy ordinance. 430 00:29:03,504.122449 --> 00:29:11,814.122449 Well, sister, friend, I know you have choices, so I thank you for tuning into Intimacy After podcast. 431 00:29:12,234.122449 --> 00:29:20,784.122449 You may subscribe for bimonthly alerts or stay in the know by visiting my website@queenquanta.com. 432 00:29:21,24.122449 --> 00:29:25,169.122449 That's Queen Q-U-A-N-T a.com. 433 00:29:25,939.122449 --> 00:29:34,314.122449 Until next time, remember, a life without Intimacy is like your favorite meal without salt. 434 00:29:35,199.122449 --> 00:29:37,819.122449 Ladies, let's spice it up. 435 00:29:38,319.122449 --> 00:29:41,609.122449 Life is beautiful, and God is awesome. 436 00:29:42,179.122449 --> 00:29:45,123.960449 This is Queen, signing out.
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An unlicensed lizard psychologist travels the universe talking to strangers about absolutely nothing. TO CALL THE GECKO: follow me on https://www.twitch.tv/lyleforever to get a notification for when I am taking calls. I am usually live Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays but lately a lot of other times too. I am a gecko.