Episode 60: Ten Tips to Becoming a Better Listener

Hey, Friend!

There are some days when I think I am a pretty good listener. Other days, I am highly distracted and all of my listening skills go out the window. Does that sound like you?

Let’s commit together to becoming better listeners. It will enhance our relationships, build trust in our leadership, and minimize frustration when we walk away from conversations barely remembering what was said.

So, I have compiled 10 tips for becoming a better listener. I am committed to putting them into practice. How about you?

I pray this blesses you,

Becky

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
The ability to hear is one of the five senses, but listening is a skill.

(00:07):
Some of us are really good at it. Some of us are kind of good at it when we try and others of us are just not good listeners at all.
If like me, you fall somewhere in the middle when I'm really making a concerted effort, I can listen well,
but I can also listen very poorly.

(00:28):
And if that sounds like you, then you might benefit from today's episode.
Today I'm talking about something that I need to hear and so I'm gonna share some ways to become a better listener
that I've learned about over the years, some of which I have put into practice, others of which I have to continuously
remind myself to put into practice.

(00:49):
Want to know more? Let's dive in to today's episode.
Hey friend, are you a people-pleasing conflict-avoiding leader?
Is your secret relationship with fear affecting your leadership decisions?
Do you want to learn how to build credibility and confidence or to navigate difficult conversations?

(01:11):
Do you long to manage your time without sacrificing your family or self-care?
Welcome to leadership becomes her.
I'm Becky Burrows, your host and a minister and life and leadership coach with over 50 years experience in leadership.
I firmly believe God has given you everything you need to lead well.

(01:32):
You have the toolbox. You just need to learn how to use the tools.
So get comfy or start a mindless task. You know how to pause or rewind if you need to. Let's get started.
[Music]
So my background is speech-language pathology and in working with children who had speech or language difficulties,

(01:58):
one of the things I very commonly had to do was teach them how to be good listeners.
And because they were children, we used our bodies and I held up five fingers.
And with the first finger, I would say the number one thing to being a good listener is your eyes must be looking at whoever is talking.
Now we all know what it feels like when you're trying to talk to someone and they're staring at their phone.

(02:22):
And you're like, "Are you listening?" "Oh yeah, I'm listening. I'm just doing this thing here, but I'm listening."
Yeah, but if you want to listen 100% with your body, your eyes need to be looking at whoever's talking.
Number two, your mouth is closed because if I'm talking, if I'm humming, if I'm making any kind of noises with my mouth, if I'm interrupting you,

(02:46):
I'm not fully listening to what you're saying. Eyes looking, mouth closed, ears are hearing.
This is one of the five senses. So my ears are open and they're hearing what you're saying.
Number four, my body is still. I'm not tapping, I'm not fidgeting. Now some of us really struggle with attention and we need some part of our body to be moving and so they make these, you know, fidget things you can squeeze,

(03:15):
but you want to make sure if that's you, that your fidgeting is not loud. So it's not competing with the person's voice.
But for the rest of us, our body should be relatively still and your brain is thinking about what the person is saying.
Now that's five things. Eyes looking, mouth closed, ears hearing, body still, brain thinking.

(03:41):
And I think out of all of those, that's the hardest part because there are so many things competing for our attention.
Number one, we're thinking about what we're going to say in response. How often have you asked a question or been in a conversation with someone and based on what they're saying in the moment,
you're already thinking about how you're going to respond instead of giving what they're saying, your full attention.

(04:06):
Now the excuse is, well, I want to be ready when they're done, I want to have my response ready.
But in reality, unless you have fully listened to what they're saying, your response may be irrelevant.
And so there's nothing wrong with fully listening to them. They're now finished, pausing and saying, "Give me a minute. I've been wanting to give you my full attention and I need a moment to think about how I want to respond to that."

(04:34):
It's also okay to come back at a later date and say, "Wow, the problem that you have posed is really important and it deserves a good answer.
I want to sleep on it and I'll get back with you tomorrow with my response. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
I had a colleague tell me one time I was doing speech-language therapy. I was working with children, but I was also talking to their parents because sometimes parents have a hard time accepting that there's something with their child,

(05:06):
you know, I'm, you know, I'm, I'm air quoting here, something wrong with their child that's going to need intervention and is probably going to cost money.
It's certainly going to cost time and all of those factors make it very tender for parents.
And so I was talking to a colleague early on in my career and I said, "What do I do when they come up and they ask me this really important question?"

(05:27):
And I don't have an answer.
And she said, "It's okay to say that question you've posed is a very good one and it deserves a good response.
I'm going to think about it and I'm going to get back with you and give a give a time limit as to when you're going to get back with them with that timely response."
So I'm going to suggest 10 things that you can do. 10 areas that you can practice. 10 practical tips for enhancing your listening skills.

(05:56):
Number one, practice active listening. Now that's what I was just talking about with the five fingers with your eyes looking
and your mouth closed and your ears hearing and your body still and your brain thinking about what that person is saying.
Bottom line, it means being fully present where you are avoiding all distractions when someone is speaking to you.

(06:23):
This means putting down your phone. This means closing your computer. This may mean turning your back on other people.
If you are in church, for example, you're in the auditorium and you're trying to have a one-on-one conversation yet you can see people walking by.
Perhaps that you also need to talk to. You might need to turn yourself around to where your back is to all those distractions

(06:47):
so that you can with your whole body give this person your full attention.
That eye contact piece shows that you are engaged and you are paying attention that as far as you are concerned that person talking is the only person in the room.
It's also helpful as a part of active listening to acknowledge feelings and this is where you nod or you give a short verbal affirmation like "oh I understand or um" or "who that must be tough"

(07:17):
which shows them that you're actively listening. If you've ever been on the phone where you're trying to actively listening but you are staying completely silent
and all of a sudden that person goes "are you still there?" because you're not in any way making any kind of sound that indicates you're tracking with them or you're listening to them.

(07:39):
I've also heard this call this practice active listening called "active empathetic paraphrase"
this is where as part of your active listening when they're done before you respond with what you think or your opinion or your response
you paraphrase what they said so what I hear you saying is this and you don't repeat it word for word because you probably can't

(08:06):
you paraphrase it you condense it and then you tag on something some form of empathy wow that must really be hard or wow I can tell this is really important to you
or something that indicates empathy now be prepared for when you paraphrase what they've said using perhaps your own words or shortening what they've said

(08:32):
they may go "oh no that's not what I meant at all let me try again" so that's another reason that it's very helpful very important to paraphrase what you've heard someone say
so practice active listening number two to enhance your listening skills listen without judgment
suspend your opinions try to set aside your own views or your immediate solutions when you're listening

(08:56):
focus on truly hearing their thoughts and their feelings and as I said before being empathetic
it's more important for you to try to understand where they're coming from try to understand their emotions their struggles
their experience without rushing to judge it in some way or to fix the problem immediately

(09:22):
one of the biggest mistakes we make is in thinking that someone's coming to talk to you about a problem because they want a solution
otherwise why are they talking to you? sometimes they just need to share the load
they just need affirmation that wow that is a big problem wow I can see that's very important to you wow that must be tough

(09:46):
I understand why you would feel that way that in itself lightens the load because very often you are not going to have a viable solution to their problem
you are not going to know what they need to do to fix it you know what you would do but you don't necessarily know what they would do
and so don't just don't assume that's why they're coming to you because honestly if they want solutions they know how to ask for it

(10:12):
what do you think I should do? how would you solve the problem if it were you? sometimes they just need someone to talk to
so to enhance your listening skills, practice active listening, listen without judgment and number three
ask open ended questions so instead of asking questions that could be answered with yes or no

(10:33):
like well did you think of this? have you tried that? ask questions that encourage them to share more
about their feelings or their experiences or what they're thinking for example how did that make you feel
or is it okay for me to ask a few questions for clarification or can you tell me more about what happened

(10:55):
or what did you do then or now that you've thought about it how are you thinking about how it went
ask open ended questions that's number three number four to enhancing your listening skills
create a safe space you want to create a non-judgmental environment and the way you do that is by letting them know

(11:19):
that their words are valued and their words will not be used against them this builds trust
and this encourages them to be open also part of creating a safe space is creating a space of
confidentiality when someone opens up to you respect their privacy reassure them that what they share

(11:40):
will stay between you unless of course there are concerns of harm or safety in which all bets are
off but unless it's in it's harm to themselves or others or safety for themselves or others you
should be able to hold in confidence whatever they've told you number five to enhancing your
listening skills is reflect and clarify now this part is done during the paraphrasing where you

(12:06):
repeat back what you've heard in your own words to ensure that you are understanding what they mean
for example what I hear you saying is or it sounds like you're feeling this asking for clarification
if something is unclear and this shows that you're really trying to fully understand and you are
committed to this conversation also number six and enhancing your listening skills be patient

(12:35):
don't rush them sometimes people they need time to articulate their feelings they may ramble
they may repeat themselves give them the space to express themselves without interrupting
and be comfortable with silence silence can be very valuable if someone is talking to you and then

(12:57):
they get silent hold that space allow for that silence they may need time to process their thoughts
or gather their thoughts they may need time to get their emotions in check some people you know
you can feel I'm starting to get emotional and perhaps you don't want to something it's okay

(13:20):
it's okay if you do but maybe you're thinking okay if I start getting emotional I'll do this
I won't be able to do that and so they'll they'll take a moment and try to really
get a grip on their emotions and that's where you sit there in silence
making it okay it's a safe space take all the time you need and just sit there in silence with them

(13:44):
sometimes it's us the listener we are so uncomfortable with silence and we think we need to fill it
with something even the words it's okay take as much time as you need it's not necessary
just sit in silence with them it can be very valuable and it builds trust
number seven to enhancing your listening skills show genuine care and compassion

(14:05):
so when it is time for you to respond do so thoughtfully your words whatever words you choose
should show compassion understanding and empathy and check in with them if someone shares
something emotional follow up later on to show you care about their well-being it could be

(14:26):
a quick call it could be a simple text I've been praying over you since yesterday
how is today looking for you how did you feel when you got up this morning just check in with
them it also shows you were listening number eight to enhancing your leader your listening skills
be mindful of your body language your posture and your gestures your body language should confay

(14:49):
could should convey an openness and attentiveness you're paying attention so try to avoid you know
crossing your arms or looking away or even worse yet looking at your watch or looking at your phone
this could seem dismissive and impatient and you're ready to move on to something else you're distracted
so be mindful of your body language and your tone of voice you want to pay attention to your tone

(15:15):
you want it to be warm and calm and understanding and patient number nine to enhancing your
listening skills be humble recognize that your role as a leader is to serve and sometimes
that means listening more than you speak it also means acknowledging that that others may have

(15:42):
insights or wisdom that you don't have that takes humility but that humility builds trust
and strengthens relationships and finally number 10 to enhancing your listening skills work on
developing and enhancing your emotional intelligence and that includes becoming more self-aware

(16:03):
and becoming more aware of others emotions you know emotional intelligence helps you recognize
unspoken needs and feelings and others and it makes you a more effective listener
if you can incorporate these simple practices into your daily conversations you will become a better

(16:28):
listener you will deepen your relationships with your family in your ministry with your
church and you will become more effective in in leading and in supporting those in need
I hope this has been helpful to you hey let's do this again next week
it is my prayer that this podcast inspired you blessed you or made you think if so please share it

(16:56):
with a friend subscribe and please leave a review hey I want to connect with you follow me on Facebook
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woman who leads and you are interested in one of my Leadership Bootcamps for Women in Ministry

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this is a four week workshop or becoming part of a Kairos Cohort year-long group coaching send me
a DM or an email for more information we'll talk soon
(upbeat music)