April 9, 2025 • 14 mins
Hey, Friend,
How many times have you said, “I’m a people pleaser” as an explanation for why you are working so hard to make everyone else happy? You are not alone.
A 2024 poll by YouGov found that 49% of American adults consider themselves people pleasers. In addition, 92% reported that they engage in people-pleasing behaviors from time-to-time.
In today’s episode, the first of a three-part series on people pleasing, I share some reasons why people are committed to people pleasing.
Is people pleasing a good trait? It can be.
Is people pleasing unhealthy? It can also be that.
In next week’s episode, I pose the question: Is People Pleasing Your Leadership Blind Spot?
And in the last of the three-part series: People Pleasing vs. Self Care.
I hope you give this series a listen.
I pray this blesses you.
Becky
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Tell the truth now, are you a people pleaser?
(00:03):
I asked the question because I did a little research and found that in 2024 an organization
called Yugav did a poll of 1,000 adults in the United States and found that 49% of them
self-identify as people pleasers.
In addition, 92% of them reported that they engage in people pleasing behaviors from time
(00:27):
to time, although they don't self-identify as a people pleaser.
The term sounds like something we should all want to be, someone who desires to please
other people.
However, the way in which we use that term in our culture usually means that we choose
to please other people even at the detriment to ourselves.
(00:50):
Want to know more?
Let's dive in to today's episode.
Hey, friend, are you a people pleasing conflict avoiding leader?
Is your secret relationship with fear affecting your leadership decisions?
Do you want to learn how to build credibility and confidence or to navigate difficult conversations?
(01:12):
Do you long to manage your time without sacrificing your family or self-care?
Welcome to leadership becomes her.
I'm Becky Burroughs, your host and a minister and life and leadership coach with over 50 years
experience in leadership.
I firmly believe God has given you everything you need to lead well.
(01:33):
You have the toolbox.
You just need to learn how to use the tools.
So get comfy or start a mindless task.
You know how to pause a rewind if you need to?
Let's get started.
So, some of us are just naturally wired.
(01:54):
We have a natural tendency to be a people pleaser and others of us learn to do this through
socialization and often it's a combination of things.
Some people may be more predisposed to people pleasing behaviors because of their personality,
such as maybe they're very empathetic or they're very sensitive to others emotions or they
(02:15):
have a strong desire for approval.
And so for these kinds of people they might find it easier or more rewarding if they cater
to others needs and avoid conflicts which can naturally lead to people pleasing behaviors.
On the other hand socialization also plays a significant role.
(02:37):
From a young age sometimes people can be conditioned by their family, by their culture or society
to prioritize others needs over their own.
For example, if a child grows up in an environment where they are praised or rewarded for being
accommodating or self-sacrificing they may internalize these behaviors as the right way to
(03:01):
interact with others.
Similarly society might have certain expectations around gender roles or what constitutes politeness
or cultural norms that could also encourage people to be more people pleasing.
So while some people might have a natural inclination toward people pleasing, socialization
(03:25):
definitely reinforces those behaviors.
It's a mix of both internal and external factors that shapes someone's tendency to please
others.
So why is it that the desire or even the tendency to demonstrate people pleasing behaviors?
Why is that so common?
(03:46):
Well, I would suggest that first of all we all inherently desire approval and validation.
One beings are social creatures and most of us want to be liked.
We want to be accepted and validated by others.
So if we are perceived as being good or helpful this is a way to earn positive feedback
(04:07):
in this boost our self-esteem.
In many cultures especially in our Western society there is a strong emphasis on success
and achievement and fitting in and this can lead to people adopting behaviors that they believe
will make them more acceptable or loved.
(04:27):
Also we have a fear of rejection and many of us will do anything to avoid conflict or
being judged and when we say no or we stand up for ourselves sometimes that feels threatening
and it may even cause anxiety.
So a lot of people think that if they focus on trying to please others they are avoiding
(04:50):
conflict, they are avoiding rejection and they are maintaining peace and harmony and
this can be especially true for those who grew up in environments where avoiding conflict
was valued or for people who grew up in environments where there was a lot of conflict
and it was out of their control as children and they vowed that when they became adults
(05:13):
they would avoid conflict above all else.
Sometimes it is low self-esteem that makes us people pleasers, people who struggle with this
and they think that their worth is tied to what they can do for others or how they can
make others feel.
Sometimes if a person thinks they aren't worthy of love or attention they might try to
(05:37):
earn it by being accommodating or overly agreeable.
But their sense of self might depend on others' opinions which might lead them to prioritize
others' needs over their own.
Sometimes there is cultural or societal expectations.
(05:58):
So there are certain cultures especially those with particular values that encourage putting
the needs of others before your own.
And those cultures family and community are highly valued and selflessness is often seen
as a virtue.
So the idea of people pleasing can be deeply ingrained as a social norm even when it is not
(06:21):
explicitly called that.
It is strongly suggested.
And more individualistic cultures such as the Western culture, the desire to be liked
or accepted by peers and superiors like in your workplace or in a social group can lead
to people pleasing tendencies.
(06:43):
Social media has magnified this as people are constantly trying to present this image of
themselves that meets others' expectations.
Sometimes people pleasing stems from our upbringing or childhood conditioning.
So people who grew up in environments where their worth was conditional on pleasing others,
(07:04):
like pleasing their parents or pleasing their teachers or their caregivers may have learned
this pattern early in life.
If affection or approval or love were only given when they behaved a certain way like being
good or being compliant, they may have internalized this belief that their very value depends
(07:26):
on pleasing others.
Sometimes it is because of reinforcement and positive feedback.
I mean, when people please they often receive praise and gratitude or other kinds of positive
reinforcement and this feedback can create a cycle where the person wants to do it again
and they feel motivated to continue pleasing others so that they can get more positive reinforcement.
(07:51):
And over time this behavior can actually just become automatic and they may not even realize
they're doing it out of habit.
What about social media and this horrible comparison culture we now live in?
As social media becomes more and more popular, people are constantly exposed to carefully curated
(08:12):
versions of others' lives.
And this can create feelings of inadequacy or pressure to measure up.
This culture of comparison can fuel the desire to be liked or admired.
And this can push people to cater to others' desires in order to get validation or social
approval.
(08:33):
Then there's empathy and sensitivity.
Some people are naturally empathetic and sensitive to others' emotions and so they feel
this strong desire to make others happy because they care deeply about others' feelings.
Now don't get me wrong.
Empathy is a positive trait.
But when it's taken to an extreme, it can lead to people pleasing behaviors because this
(08:57):
individual is so concerned with others' happiness that they forget their own.
How about people pleasing in a way to avoid guilt?
Many people are highly sensitive to guilt and the thought of disappointing others can make
them feel bad about themselves.
So they end up overcompensating by constantly trying to meet expectations.
(09:19):
Sometimes avoidance of guilt.
It becomes the primary motivator for their actions, leading them to prioritize others'
needs to avoid feeling that they've let someone down.
And finally, sometimes people pleasing come from a lack of self-awareness or boundaries.
Some people may not even realize they're engaging in people pleasing behavior because it feels
(09:42):
so natural to them.
They might have grown up in an environment where setting boundaries was not encouraged or
where they were taught to prioritize others' needs.
They may struggle with even recognizing their own needs and desires so they just default
to trying to meet the needs of others.
So ultimately being a self-proclaimed people-pleaser may come from a mix of wanting connection,
(10:09):
avoiding negative feelings like guilt or rejection, and having been conditioned by
social or cultural norms.
It's often rooted in a combination of emotional needs, fear, and learned behaviors.
And in the same poll that I referenced a moment ago, half of the self-described people-pleasers
(10:32):
think that being this way makes life harder.
And of the women who are pulled more women than men who self-identified as people-pleasers
say that they were socialized to do so, meaning as I indicated before.
Either gender roles or what it means to be polite or cultural norms taught to them as
(10:57):
children, condition them in some way to be people-pleasers.
I was speaking to a group of women recently about just some leadership skills and I was
talking about things that we say sometimes that are not helpful and I just mentioned the
fact that it's not particularly helpful to a conversation or to the perception of me
(11:19):
as a leader if I begin my sentence by apologizing for whatever it is I need.
For example, let's say that I'm feeling some emotion and I say, "Well, I'm sorry I'm being
emotional, but it would be better to say I'm experiencing some emotion around this topic
because."
Not apologizing for my emotion, which is a normal human feeling, but explaining why I'm
(11:44):
experiencing it or instead of saying, "Hey, I'm sorry to interrupt to say I have something
to say when it's my turn or maybe you've already interrupted and you say, "Excuse me for interrupting
I'll wait."
But when we over-apologize for things, when we apologize and say, "Oh, I'm sorry this is
(12:05):
a stupid question, but it really waters down the word apology when we're apologizing for
everything and coming up with a different way of doing that of explaining rather than
apologizing for what we're about to say is more empowering."
So as I'm describing this to the women, one woman said, "But I grew up in the South in
(12:29):
Southern United States where you're supposed to apologize.
You're supposed to apologize for how you feel.
You're supposed to apologize for things you say.
You're supposed to apologize for asking for what you need.
It's considered polite."
And that would be an example of what I'm talking about with it being socialized.
(12:50):
This is the way you're supposed to behave.
And I said, "Well, while it's true that that may be a cultural norm in the Southern part
of the United States.
It's not a strong leadership skill."
And since we're talking about strong leadership skills, I would encourage us away from apologizing
for asking for what we need, for example.
This is actually the first of a three-part series on people pleasing.
(13:13):
And in our next episode, I'm going to talk about is people pleasing your leadership blind
spot.
Hey, I hope this has been helpful.
Let's do this again next week.
This is my prayer that this podcast inspired you, blessed you, or made you think.
If so, please share it with a friend, subscribe, and please leave a review.
(13:37):
Hey, I want to connect with you.
Follow me on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn.
Send me a DM or email me at hello@beckyburroughs.com.
If you are a Christian woman who leads and you are interested in one of my Leadership Boot
camps for Women in Ministry, this is a four week workshop or becoming part of a Kairos
(13:58):
Cohort, your long group coaching.
Send me a DM or an email for more information.
We'll talk soon.
(upbeat music)
(upbeat music)
(upbeat music)
(upbeat music)
Tell the truth now, are you a people pleaser?
(00:03):
I asked the question because I did a little research and found that in 2024 an organization
called Yugav did a poll of 1,000 adults in the United States and found that 49% of them
self-identify as people pleasers.
In addition, 92% of them reported that they engage in people pleasing behaviors from time
(00:27):
to time, although they don't self-identify as a people pleaser.
The term sounds like something we should all want to be, someone who desires to please
other people.
However, the way in which we use that term in our culture usually means that we choose
to please other people even at the detriment to ourselves.
(00:50):
Want to know more?
Let's dive in to today's episode.
Hey, friend, are you a people pleasing conflict avoiding leader?
Is your secret relationship with fear affecting your leadership decisions?
Do you want to learn how to build credibility and confidence or to navigate difficult conversations?
(01:12):
Do you long to manage your time without sacrificing your family or self-care?
Welcome to leadership becomes her.
I'm Becky Burroughs, your host and a minister and life and leadership coach with over 50 years
experience in leadership.
I firmly believe God has given you everything you need to lead well.
(01:33):
You have the toolbox.
You just need to learn how to use the tools.
So get comfy or start a mindless task.
You know how to pause a rewind if you need to?
Let's get started.
So, some of us are just naturally wired.
(01:54):
We have a natural tendency to be a people pleaser and others of us learn to do this through
socialization and often it's a combination of things.
Some people may be more predisposed to people pleasing behaviors because of their personality,
such as maybe they're very empathetic or they're very sensitive to others emotions or they
(02:15):
have a strong desire for approval.
And so for these kinds of people they might find it easier or more rewarding if they cater
to others needs and avoid conflicts which can naturally lead to people pleasing behaviors.
On the other hand socialization also plays a significant role.
(02:37):
From a young age sometimes people can be conditioned by their family, by their culture or society
to prioritize others needs over their own.
For example, if a child grows up in an environment where they are praised or rewarded for being
accommodating or self-sacrificing they may internalize these behaviors as the right way to
(03:01):
interact with others.
Similarly society might have certain expectations around gender roles or what constitutes politeness
or cultural norms that could also encourage people to be more people pleasing.
So while some people might have a natural inclination toward people pleasing, socialization
(03:25):
definitely reinforces those behaviors.
It's a mix of both internal and external factors that shapes someone's tendency to please
others.
So why is it that the desire or even the tendency to demonstrate people pleasing behaviors?
Why is that so common?
(03:46):
Well, I would suggest that first of all we all inherently desire approval and validation.
One beings are social creatures and most of us want to be liked.
We want to be accepted and validated by others.
So if we are perceived as being good or helpful this is a way to earn positive feedback
(04:07):
in this boost our self-esteem.
In many cultures especially in our Western society there is a strong emphasis on success
and achievement and fitting in and this can lead to people adopting behaviors that they believe
will make them more acceptable or loved.
(04:27):
Also we have a fear of rejection and many of us will do anything to avoid conflict or
being judged and when we say no or we stand up for ourselves sometimes that feels threatening
and it may even cause anxiety.
So a lot of people think that if they focus on trying to please others they are avoiding
(04:50):
conflict, they are avoiding rejection and they are maintaining peace and harmony and
this can be especially true for those who grew up in environments where avoiding conflict
was valued or for people who grew up in environments where there was a lot of conflict
and it was out of their control as children and they vowed that when they became adults
(05:13):
they would avoid conflict above all else.
Sometimes it is low self-esteem that makes us people pleasers, people who struggle with this
and they think that their worth is tied to what they can do for others or how they can
make others feel.
Sometimes if a person thinks they aren't worthy of love or attention they might try to
(05:37):
earn it by being accommodating or overly agreeable.
But their sense of self might depend on others' opinions which might lead them to prioritize
others' needs over their own.
Sometimes there is cultural or societal expectations.
(05:58):
So there are certain cultures especially those with particular values that encourage putting
the needs of others before your own.
And those cultures family and community are highly valued and selflessness is often seen
as a virtue.
So the idea of people pleasing can be deeply ingrained as a social norm even when it is not
(06:21):
explicitly called that.
It is strongly suggested.
And more individualistic cultures such as the Western culture, the desire to be liked
or accepted by peers and superiors like in your workplace or in a social group can lead
to people pleasing tendencies.
(06:43):
Social media has magnified this as people are constantly trying to present this image of
themselves that meets others' expectations.
Sometimes people pleasing stems from our upbringing or childhood conditioning.
So people who grew up in environments where their worth was conditional on pleasing others,
(07:04):
like pleasing their parents or pleasing their teachers or their caregivers may have learned
this pattern early in life.
If affection or approval or love were only given when they behaved a certain way like being
good or being compliant, they may have internalized this belief that their very value depends
(07:26):
on pleasing others.
Sometimes it is because of reinforcement and positive feedback.
I mean, when people please they often receive praise and gratitude or other kinds of positive
reinforcement and this feedback can create a cycle where the person wants to do it again
and they feel motivated to continue pleasing others so that they can get more positive reinforcement.
(07:51):
And over time this behavior can actually just become automatic and they may not even realize
they're doing it out of habit.
What about social media and this horrible comparison culture we now live in?
As social media becomes more and more popular, people are constantly exposed to carefully curated
(08:12):
versions of others' lives.
And this can create feelings of inadequacy or pressure to measure up.
This culture of comparison can fuel the desire to be liked or admired.
And this can push people to cater to others' desires in order to get validation or social
approval.
(08:33):
Then there's empathy and sensitivity.
Some people are naturally empathetic and sensitive to others' emotions and so they feel
this strong desire to make others happy because they care deeply about others' feelings.
Now don't get me wrong.
Empathy is a positive trait.
But when it's taken to an extreme, it can lead to people pleasing behaviors because this
(08:57):
individual is so concerned with others' happiness that they forget their own.
How about people pleasing in a way to avoid guilt?
Many people are highly sensitive to guilt and the thought of disappointing others can make
them feel bad about themselves.
So they end up overcompensating by constantly trying to meet expectations.
(09:19):
Sometimes avoidance of guilt.
It becomes the primary motivator for their actions, leading them to prioritize others'
needs to avoid feeling that they've let someone down.
And finally, sometimes people pleasing come from a lack of self-awareness or boundaries.
Some people may not even realize they're engaging in people pleasing behavior because it feels
(09:42):
so natural to them.
They might have grown up in an environment where setting boundaries was not encouraged or
where they were taught to prioritize others' needs.
They may struggle with even recognizing their own needs and desires so they just default
to trying to meet the needs of others.
So ultimately being a self-proclaimed people-pleaser may come from a mix of wanting connection,
(10:09):
avoiding negative feelings like guilt or rejection, and having been conditioned by
social or cultural norms.
It's often rooted in a combination of emotional needs, fear, and learned behaviors.
And in the same poll that I referenced a moment ago, half of the self-described people-pleasers
(10:32):
think that being this way makes life harder.
And of the women who are pulled more women than men who self-identified as people-pleasers
say that they were socialized to do so, meaning as I indicated before.
Either gender roles or what it means to be polite or cultural norms taught to them as
(10:57):
children, condition them in some way to be people-pleasers.
I was speaking to a group of women recently about just some leadership skills and I was
talking about things that we say sometimes that are not helpful and I just mentioned the
fact that it's not particularly helpful to a conversation or to the perception of me
(11:19):
as a leader if I begin my sentence by apologizing for whatever it is I need.
For example, let's say that I'm feeling some emotion and I say, "Well, I'm sorry I'm being
emotional, but it would be better to say I'm experiencing some emotion around this topic
because."
Not apologizing for my emotion, which is a normal human feeling, but explaining why I'm
(11:44):
experiencing it or instead of saying, "Hey, I'm sorry to interrupt to say I have something
to say when it's my turn or maybe you've already interrupted and you say, "Excuse me for interrupting
I'll wait."
But when we over-apologize for things, when we apologize and say, "Oh, I'm sorry this is
(12:05):
a stupid question, but it really waters down the word apology when we're apologizing for
everything and coming up with a different way of doing that of explaining rather than
apologizing for what we're about to say is more empowering."
So as I'm describing this to the women, one woman said, "But I grew up in the South in
(12:29):
Southern United States where you're supposed to apologize.
You're supposed to apologize for how you feel.
You're supposed to apologize for things you say.
You're supposed to apologize for asking for what you need.
It's considered polite."
And that would be an example of what I'm talking about with it being socialized.
(12:50):
This is the way you're supposed to behave.
And I said, "Well, while it's true that that may be a cultural norm in the Southern part
of the United States.
It's not a strong leadership skill."
And since we're talking about strong leadership skills, I would encourage us away from apologizing
for asking for what we need, for example.
This is actually the first of a three-part series on people pleasing.
(13:13):
And in our next episode, I'm going to talk about is people pleasing your leadership blind
spot.
Hey, I hope this has been helpful.
Let's do this again next week.
This is my prayer that this podcast inspired you, blessed you, or made you think.
If so, please share it with a friend, subscribe, and please leave a review.
(13:37):
Hey, I want to connect with you.
Follow me on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn.
Send me a DM or email me at hello@beckyburroughs.com.
If you are a Christian woman who leads and you are interested in one of my Leadership Boot
camps for Women in Ministry, this is a four week workshop or becoming part of a Kairos
(13:58):
Cohort, your long group coaching.
Send me a DM or an email for more information.
We'll talk soon.
(upbeat music)
(upbeat music)
(upbeat music)
(upbeat music)
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