April 16, 2025 • 16 mins
Hey, Friend,
Are you a people pleasing, conflict avoiding leader?
In today’s episode, I share some real problems that will surface in your organization if people pleasing is your blind spot.
People pleasing is not bad; we all want to be liked and we want to make others happy. But if people pleasing becomes your motivation it can kill your credibility and greatly reduce your effectiveness as a leader.
I pray this blesses you!
Becky
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
In last week's episode, I post the question,
(00:04):
"Are you a people-pleaser?"
Because I ran across a poll that was conducted in 2024
by an organization called YouGov
that reported 49% of American adults self-identify as people-pleasers.
Another 92% report that they engage in people-pleasing behaviors
from time to time.
(00:26):
People-pleasing is not inherently good.
It's not inherently bad.
I will add that several of those who were polled,
in fact, more of them said it made their lives harder
being a people-pleaser than those who said it made their lives easier.
In today's episode, I want to talk about people-pleasing as it relates
(00:50):
to your leadership.
And I post the question, "Is people-pleasing your leadership blind spot?"
Are you intrigued?
Let's dive into today's episode.
Hey, friend.
Are you a people-pleasing conflict-avoiding leader?
Is your secret relationship with fear affecting your leadership decisions?
(01:11):
Do you want to learn how to build credibility and confidence
or to navigate difficult conversations?
Do you long to manage your time?
Without sacrificing your family or self-care,
welcome to leadership becomes her.
I'm Becky Burroughs, your host and a minister in life and leadership coach
with over 50 years experience in leadership.
(01:34):
I firmly believe God has given you everything you need to lead well.
You have the toolbox.
You just need to learn how to use the tools.
So get comfy or start a mindless task.
You know how to pause or rewind if you need to.
Let's get started.
[MUSIC]
(01:57):
So the short answer is yes.
People-pleasing can absolutely be a leadership blind spot.
It can hinder effective leadership because the leader is so concerned
with prioritizing a particular person, usually the person that's right in front of them,
that person's needs over the needs of the team or the organizational goals.
(02:24):
And this can potentially lead to burnout, poor decision making,
a lack of accountability and it can be a credibility killer.
So here's a breakdown of why people-pleasing can be a leadership blind spot.
First of all, it undermines your leadership effectiveness.
(02:46):
When you as the leader prioritize pleasing people over making sound decisions.
You can become indecisive.
You might find yourself avoiding difficult conversations.
And you fail to delegate effectively.
And this could lead to burnout and resentment.
You know, there's something about people-pleasers that the most important person is the one right in front of you.
(03:13):
The one you're trying to please in the moment.
And when you do that, when you're meeting with a person and you say whatever you feel like they want to hear,
and then another person comes to you and you say what you feel like they want to hear,
you better know all these people are getting together and talking about it,
and it greatly undermines your credibility because they begin to see inconsistencies.
(03:37):
Well, he told me, you know, we could do this.
He told me this based on what they wanted.
They heard what they wanted to hear because you're a leader who really wants to please everybody above all else.
Rather than being a leader who stands for something.
Before I was in ministry, I was a high school principal at a Christian school.
(04:02):
And there was a football coach who was not thrilled about having a female principal.
I was the first female high school principal in the history of the school.
And he came in to me, well, he said one of the things he said was,
I'm not going to take orders from any lady principal.
(04:25):
He didn't say that to me.
He said it to others and of course they could not wait to tell me what he said.
And I just let it go.
But one day he came to me early on in my time as a principal.
You know, it doesn't matter what decision you make.
Half the people aren't going to like it.
And he said it in such a way that it felt like a warning.
(04:48):
Kind of a threat.
I want you to know what you're getting into.
If you're in this job to please people, it's not going to happen.
Half the people aren't going to like whatever decision you make.
But what he did not know is that became such a motivation for me.
I thought, okay, if what he's saying is true and half the people aren't going to like whatever decision I make,
(05:13):
then I can't let making people happy factor into decisions.
I need to follow my heart.
I have an audience of one.
I need to make sure that I'm bringing whatever decisions I have to make to God.
And I'm bringing to him in prayer.
Now having said that, I don't believe that leaders should sit behind closed doors and make all the decisions.
(05:40):
There's a lot of work that needs to be done to get by in, to decisions that you're making,
to bring people along, to collaborate.
And that's a whole other topic for another day.
But there are times when the buck stops with you and you have to make the final decision.
And when that time comes, you cannot make it based on who it's going to make happy and who it's going to upset.
(06:04):
Because there's no way for you to know.
You may think that certain people will be pleased with a certain decision, but you don't know that for sure.
So it can undermine your leadership effectiveness if you're busily trying to make the person of the moment happy.
It can limit accountability.
(06:27):
If you are a people pleasing leader, chances are you're going to avoid giving constructive feedback or addressing performance issues
because you're afraid it's going to upset that person.
But this can create a culture where there's very little accountability in the workplace
(06:49):
and you're also hindering team growth. If I'm doing something or I'm failing to do something that needs to be addressed
and you're my leader and you don't come and talk to me about it, giving me an opportunity to get better,
giving me an opportunity to grow and to develop in my position, you are the hindrance to my growth.
(07:11):
Because you're not telling me something I need to hear for fear of upsetting me.
So yes, as leaders we have to be careful how we say things and timing matters.
And the way we say things matters. But if we really care about the people that work for us, then we want to give them every opportunity to grow and to develop in their position.
(07:34):
If I am a people pleasing leader, I can unknowingly create this false sense of harmony, suppressing conflict of avoiding addressing problems
because this leads to unresolved issues and lack of trust within the team.
That need to avoid conflict doesn't make conflict go away.
(07:59):
It simply forces all of us to stuff it. And when we stuff things that are hurtful to us or upsetting to us or things that need to be addressed,
they will come out at the most inopportune moments.
And so better to have real harmony because we are authentic with each other and we work through problems as they occur,
(08:22):
better that than to create this false sense of harmony while running around spending my energy trying to people please.
A people pleasing leader tends to neglect self-care and avoid having boundaries because he or she is prioritizing others' needs over their own or over the needs of the entire organization.
(08:44):
And this can cause a leader to neglect their own well-being and it interferes with setting strong boundaries.
And if you don't have strong boundaries, there is a good chance as a leader you are going to experience burnout and you are going to find yourself being less and less and less effective.
And it can be traced back to the fact that you have spent your energies trying to run around pleasing this person.
(09:07):
And now you have got to please this person and now you have got to please this person that found out what you did for this one and this one.
It is exhausting. It will create burnout and it is absolutely opposed to self-care which by the way I am going to talk about next week.
If I am a leader who is focused on people pleasing then I am really focusing on external validation. I want you to like me.
(09:29):
I want everybody that works for me to think I am awesome. So I am focusing on saying and doing and deciding on whatever will make them happy.
And so when you do that you are prioritizing that external validation and that feeling of approval over making the decisions that are best for the organization.
(09:50):
And this leads to inconsistency in your actions and again a loss of credibility.
If I am a leader focused on people pleasing I am going to have a hard time saying no.
And when I have a hard time saying no I am going to take on too much responsibility. I am going to find myself being inconsistent because I have said yes to you.
(10:12):
Not thinking that it is just opposed to that yes I said over here to someone else.
And now we have got a conflict because they have walked away with different impressions of what they are allowed to do or the direction that organization is taking.
I am inconsistent and now I am struggling to effectively manage my time and my resources.
(10:35):
And as I indicated earlier if I am a leader focused on people pleasing I might avoid difficult conversations that really need to take place.
And this is going to lead to those unresolved issues and a complete breakdown in communication.
Being a people pleasing leader is going to make it hard for me to delegate. I might feel guilty asking others to take on additional work which leads to a lack of delegation creates a heavy workload for me as the leader but also fails to develop your leadership skills because I am not appropriately delegating tasks to you.
(11:11):
And then being a people pleasing leader creates a lack of trust.
My team is not going to trust me if I am a people pleasing leader because they know they can see that I am much more concerned with people which with pleasing the person of the moment than with making sound decisions and holding people accountable.
(11:35):
If I am a people pleasing leader I am going to have difficulty with feedback.
I may struggle giving you the constructive feedback you need. I may have trouble addressing your performance issues and this is going to hinder your growth and development.
Leaders who are concerned with people pleasing sometimes become poor decision makers because they are making decisions based on popularity rather than what is best for the organization and this leads to poor outcomes.
(12:06):
I have seen leaders I have worked with leaders who fail to follow their own policy manuals. The manuals there is clear in writing what we do what we don't do what we allow what we don't allow what the consequences are for certain behaviors but if I am more concerned about people pleasing I am going to ignore policy and make a decision in the moment.
(12:29):
People see that people find out about that and I come across as a poor decision maker somebody that doesn't have a backbone somebody that's not setting clear boundaries somebody that's not following the very policies that I have set in place or approved.
And if I am a leader focused on people pleasing there is going to be some serious burnout and frustration in my organization by both the leader and team members can experience this resentment and frustration when a people pleasing leader prioritizes pleasing others over addressing issues over doing what's best for the organization as a whole.
(13:11):
And finally if I am a leader consumed with people pleasing there is going to be some serious burnout this constant effort of pleasing everyone is going to burn out the people pleasing leader impacting their ability to effectively lead and people pleasing as a leader is a real challenge if you're sitting in a meeting and you're talking about a particular subject and somebody says what they think we ought to do and you can see that by the looks on everyone else.
(13:40):
And the looks on everyone else's faces that they're agreeing with is but you're absolutely opposed to it.
The people pleasing leader has a choice to make you can either go ahead and share your opinion enhancing the discussion and collaboratively you guys can decide what to do or you can withhold what you think to appease the majority.
(14:03):
And it could be the right decision or it could be the absolute worst decision because they didn't benefit from your opinion your knowledge your experience and your expertise.
And so being a people pleasing leader is not a bad thing what I wanted to point out today are some concerns about being a leader who's focused on people pleasing.
(14:25):
I love being with being and working for a leader who loves people and who wants everyone to have a stake in the game and to do that you've got to care about what people think.
You've got to take other people's opinions and feelings into consideration when making major decisions all for that.
What each one of us has to decide though is have I crossed the line have I crossed the line from taking other people's thoughts and opinions and feelings into consideration versus using that to make my decisions so that I now look at myself and as a leader I am so inconsistent and I have lost credibility because I am just putting out the fire of the moment
(15:09):
and I can't keep track of all the different ways in which I've said yes or I've made exceptions based on what's happening in the moment.
And that is an individual inventory that each one of us must do as leaders especially if we are leaders who are just naturally geared toward or socialized toward being a people pleaser.
(15:33):
I hope this has been helpful to you in next week's episode I'm going to talk about people pleasing versus self-care.
Hey let's do this again next week.
It is my prayer that this podcast inspired you, blessed you or made you think.
If so, please share it with a friend, subscribe and please leave a review.
(15:57):
Hey I want to connect with you follow me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn send me a DM or email me at hello@beckyburroughs.com
If you are a Christian woman who leads and you are interested in one of my Leadership Bootcamps for Women in Ministry this is a four week workshop or becoming part of a Kairos Cohort, year long group coaching send me a DM or an email for more information.
(16:23):
We'll talk soon.
[Music]
In last week's episode, I post the question,
(00:04):
"Are you a people-pleaser?"
Because I ran across a poll that was conducted in 2024
by an organization called YouGov
that reported 49% of American adults self-identify as people-pleasers.
Another 92% report that they engage in people-pleasing behaviors
from time to time.
(00:26):
People-pleasing is not inherently good.
It's not inherently bad.
I will add that several of those who were polled,
in fact, more of them said it made their lives harder
being a people-pleaser than those who said it made their lives easier.
In today's episode, I want to talk about people-pleasing as it relates
(00:50):
to your leadership.
And I post the question, "Is people-pleasing your leadership blind spot?"
Are you intrigued?
Let's dive into today's episode.
Hey, friend.
Are you a people-pleasing conflict-avoiding leader?
Is your secret relationship with fear affecting your leadership decisions?
(01:11):
Do you want to learn how to build credibility and confidence
or to navigate difficult conversations?
Do you long to manage your time?
Without sacrificing your family or self-care,
welcome to leadership becomes her.
I'm Becky Burroughs, your host and a minister in life and leadership coach
with over 50 years experience in leadership.
(01:34):
I firmly believe God has given you everything you need to lead well.
You have the toolbox.
You just need to learn how to use the tools.
So get comfy or start a mindless task.
You know how to pause or rewind if you need to.
Let's get started.
[MUSIC]
(01:57):
So the short answer is yes.
People-pleasing can absolutely be a leadership blind spot.
It can hinder effective leadership because the leader is so concerned
with prioritizing a particular person, usually the person that's right in front of them,
that person's needs over the needs of the team or the organizational goals.
(02:24):
And this can potentially lead to burnout, poor decision making,
a lack of accountability and it can be a credibility killer.
So here's a breakdown of why people-pleasing can be a leadership blind spot.
First of all, it undermines your leadership effectiveness.
(02:46):
When you as the leader prioritize pleasing people over making sound decisions.
You can become indecisive.
You might find yourself avoiding difficult conversations.
And you fail to delegate effectively.
And this could lead to burnout and resentment.
You know, there's something about people-pleasers that the most important person is the one right in front of you.
(03:13):
The one you're trying to please in the moment.
And when you do that, when you're meeting with a person and you say whatever you feel like they want to hear,
and then another person comes to you and you say what you feel like they want to hear,
you better know all these people are getting together and talking about it,
and it greatly undermines your credibility because they begin to see inconsistencies.
(03:37):
Well, he told me, you know, we could do this.
He told me this based on what they wanted.
They heard what they wanted to hear because you're a leader who really wants to please everybody above all else.
Rather than being a leader who stands for something.
Before I was in ministry, I was a high school principal at a Christian school.
(04:02):
And there was a football coach who was not thrilled about having a female principal.
I was the first female high school principal in the history of the school.
And he came in to me, well, he said one of the things he said was,
I'm not going to take orders from any lady principal.
(04:25):
He didn't say that to me.
He said it to others and of course they could not wait to tell me what he said.
And I just let it go.
But one day he came to me early on in my time as a principal.
You know, it doesn't matter what decision you make.
Half the people aren't going to like it.
And he said it in such a way that it felt like a warning.
(04:48):
Kind of a threat.
I want you to know what you're getting into.
If you're in this job to please people, it's not going to happen.
Half the people aren't going to like whatever decision you make.
But what he did not know is that became such a motivation for me.
I thought, okay, if what he's saying is true and half the people aren't going to like whatever decision I make,
(05:13):
then I can't let making people happy factor into decisions.
I need to follow my heart.
I have an audience of one.
I need to make sure that I'm bringing whatever decisions I have to make to God.
And I'm bringing to him in prayer.
Now having said that, I don't believe that leaders should sit behind closed doors and make all the decisions.
(05:40):
There's a lot of work that needs to be done to get by in, to decisions that you're making,
to bring people along, to collaborate.
And that's a whole other topic for another day.
But there are times when the buck stops with you and you have to make the final decision.
And when that time comes, you cannot make it based on who it's going to make happy and who it's going to upset.
(06:04):
Because there's no way for you to know.
You may think that certain people will be pleased with a certain decision, but you don't know that for sure.
So it can undermine your leadership effectiveness if you're busily trying to make the person of the moment happy.
It can limit accountability.
(06:27):
If you are a people pleasing leader, chances are you're going to avoid giving constructive feedback or addressing performance issues
because you're afraid it's going to upset that person.
But this can create a culture where there's very little accountability in the workplace
(06:49):
and you're also hindering team growth. If I'm doing something or I'm failing to do something that needs to be addressed
and you're my leader and you don't come and talk to me about it, giving me an opportunity to get better,
giving me an opportunity to grow and to develop in my position, you are the hindrance to my growth.
(07:11):
Because you're not telling me something I need to hear for fear of upsetting me.
So yes, as leaders we have to be careful how we say things and timing matters.
And the way we say things matters. But if we really care about the people that work for us, then we want to give them every opportunity to grow and to develop in their position.
(07:34):
If I am a people pleasing leader, I can unknowingly create this false sense of harmony, suppressing conflict of avoiding addressing problems
because this leads to unresolved issues and lack of trust within the team.
That need to avoid conflict doesn't make conflict go away.
(07:59):
It simply forces all of us to stuff it. And when we stuff things that are hurtful to us or upsetting to us or things that need to be addressed,
they will come out at the most inopportune moments.
And so better to have real harmony because we are authentic with each other and we work through problems as they occur,
(08:22):
better that than to create this false sense of harmony while running around spending my energy trying to people please.
A people pleasing leader tends to neglect self-care and avoid having boundaries because he or she is prioritizing others' needs over their own or over the needs of the entire organization.
(08:44):
And this can cause a leader to neglect their own well-being and it interferes with setting strong boundaries.
And if you don't have strong boundaries, there is a good chance as a leader you are going to experience burnout and you are going to find yourself being less and less and less effective.
And it can be traced back to the fact that you have spent your energies trying to run around pleasing this person.
(09:07):
And now you have got to please this person and now you have got to please this person that found out what you did for this one and this one.
It is exhausting. It will create burnout and it is absolutely opposed to self-care which by the way I am going to talk about next week.
If I am a leader who is focused on people pleasing then I am really focusing on external validation. I want you to like me.
(09:29):
I want everybody that works for me to think I am awesome. So I am focusing on saying and doing and deciding on whatever will make them happy.
And so when you do that you are prioritizing that external validation and that feeling of approval over making the decisions that are best for the organization.
(09:50):
And this leads to inconsistency in your actions and again a loss of credibility.
If I am a leader focused on people pleasing I am going to have a hard time saying no.
And when I have a hard time saying no I am going to take on too much responsibility. I am going to find myself being inconsistent because I have said yes to you.
(10:12):
Not thinking that it is just opposed to that yes I said over here to someone else.
And now we have got a conflict because they have walked away with different impressions of what they are allowed to do or the direction that organization is taking.
I am inconsistent and now I am struggling to effectively manage my time and my resources.
(10:35):
And as I indicated earlier if I am a leader focused on people pleasing I might avoid difficult conversations that really need to take place.
And this is going to lead to those unresolved issues and a complete breakdown in communication.
Being a people pleasing leader is going to make it hard for me to delegate. I might feel guilty asking others to take on additional work which leads to a lack of delegation creates a heavy workload for me as the leader but also fails to develop your leadership skills because I am not appropriately delegating tasks to you.
(11:11):
And then being a people pleasing leader creates a lack of trust.
My team is not going to trust me if I am a people pleasing leader because they know they can see that I am much more concerned with people which with pleasing the person of the moment than with making sound decisions and holding people accountable.
(11:35):
If I am a people pleasing leader I am going to have difficulty with feedback.
I may struggle giving you the constructive feedback you need. I may have trouble addressing your performance issues and this is going to hinder your growth and development.
Leaders who are concerned with people pleasing sometimes become poor decision makers because they are making decisions based on popularity rather than what is best for the organization and this leads to poor outcomes.
(12:06):
I have seen leaders I have worked with leaders who fail to follow their own policy manuals. The manuals there is clear in writing what we do what we don't do what we allow what we don't allow what the consequences are for certain behaviors but if I am more concerned about people pleasing I am going to ignore policy and make a decision in the moment.
(12:29):
People see that people find out about that and I come across as a poor decision maker somebody that doesn't have a backbone somebody that's not setting clear boundaries somebody that's not following the very policies that I have set in place or approved.
And if I am a leader focused on people pleasing there is going to be some serious burnout and frustration in my organization by both the leader and team members can experience this resentment and frustration when a people pleasing leader prioritizes pleasing others over addressing issues over doing what's best for the organization as a whole.
(13:11):
And finally if I am a leader consumed with people pleasing there is going to be some serious burnout this constant effort of pleasing everyone is going to burn out the people pleasing leader impacting their ability to effectively lead and people pleasing as a leader is a real challenge if you're sitting in a meeting and you're talking about a particular subject and somebody says what they think we ought to do and you can see that by the looks on everyone else.
(13:40):
And the looks on everyone else's faces that they're agreeing with is but you're absolutely opposed to it.
The people pleasing leader has a choice to make you can either go ahead and share your opinion enhancing the discussion and collaboratively you guys can decide what to do or you can withhold what you think to appease the majority.
(14:03):
And it could be the right decision or it could be the absolute worst decision because they didn't benefit from your opinion your knowledge your experience and your expertise.
And so being a people pleasing leader is not a bad thing what I wanted to point out today are some concerns about being a leader who's focused on people pleasing.
(14:25):
I love being with being and working for a leader who loves people and who wants everyone to have a stake in the game and to do that you've got to care about what people think.
You've got to take other people's opinions and feelings into consideration when making major decisions all for that.
What each one of us has to decide though is have I crossed the line have I crossed the line from taking other people's thoughts and opinions and feelings into consideration versus using that to make my decisions so that I now look at myself and as a leader I am so inconsistent and I have lost credibility because I am just putting out the fire of the moment
(15:09):
and I can't keep track of all the different ways in which I've said yes or I've made exceptions based on what's happening in the moment.
And that is an individual inventory that each one of us must do as leaders especially if we are leaders who are just naturally geared toward or socialized toward being a people pleaser.
(15:33):
I hope this has been helpful to you in next week's episode I'm going to talk about people pleasing versus self-care.
Hey let's do this again next week.
It is my prayer that this podcast inspired you, blessed you or made you think.
If so, please share it with a friend, subscribe and please leave a review.
(15:57):
Hey I want to connect with you follow me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn send me a DM or email me at hello@beckyburroughs.com
If you are a Christian woman who leads and you are interested in one of my Leadership Bootcamps for Women in Ministry this is a four week workshop or becoming part of a Kairos Cohort, year long group coaching send me a DM or an email for more information.
(16:23):
We'll talk soon.
[Music]
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