April 23, 2025 • 14 mins
Hey, Friend,
People pleasing is not all bad, but sometimes you will have to choose between pleasing others and taking care of yourself. That includes having strong, healthy boundaries, not invisible boundaries that are always moving.
Self care is an act of worship to God your creator. It is your responsibility and no one else's. In today’s episode, I share some signs for you to look for to know if your people pleasing is interfering with your self care.
I pray this blesses you!
Becky
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
This is the third in a three-part series on people pleasing.
(00:04):
Two weeks ago, I posed the question, "Are you a people pleaser?"
Last week, I posed the question, "Is people pleasing your leadership blind spot?"
And in today's episode, I want to talk about people pleasing versus self-care.
And I want to begin by saying being a people pleaser is not inherently bad,
(00:25):
but it can become unhealthy when it interferes in your leadership, in your decision-making,
and in your effective leadership in an organization, and on a personal level,
when it interferes with your well-being, with your personal growth, or with your relationships,
it can also become unhealthy.
(00:45):
But there are some healthy aspects of people pleasing.
First of all, people pleasers are often highly empathetic
and considerate of others' feelings, and this can make them great friends, colleagues, partners, even leaders.
Empathy is a valuable trait, and helping others can feel really rewarding,
(01:06):
especially to those of us who are Christ's followers.
But people pleasing also involves being agreeable and wanting to help,
and that can foster cooperation and harmony in groups or teams.
Because people pleasers often go out of their way to make others feel comfortable,
(01:27):
which can build trust and camaraderie.
But just like with anything else, there is a flip side to people pleasing.
There is a time when a desire to be a people pleaser becomes unhealthy,
and that's what I'm going to talk about today.
Let's dive in to today's episode.
Hey, friend, are you a people pleasing conflict avoiding leader?
(01:51):
Is your secret relationship with fear affecting your leadership decisions?
Do you want to learn how to build credibility and confidence,
or to navigate difficult conversations?
Do you long to manage your time without sacrificing your family or self-care?
Welcome to leadership becomes her.
(02:12):
I Becky Burroughs, your host, and a minister and life and leadership coach
with over 50 years experience in leadership.
I firmly believe God has given you everything you need to lead well.
You have the toolbox.
You just need to learn how to use the tools.
So get comfy or start a mindless task.
You know how to pause or rewind if you need to.
(02:34):
Let's get started.
So let's talk about some unhealthy aspects of people pleasing.
Number one, when you are constantly prioritizing others over yourself,
it can lead to burnout and exhaustion.
(02:55):
If you're saying yes to everything, yet your own needs, your own desires,
and your personal goals can get shoved aside.
And this can leave you feeling resentful or unfulfilled in the long run.
It also can be extremely exhausting because you're not taking care of your own needs.
Another unhealthy aspect of people pleasing is you could have poor boundaries.
(03:21):
People pleasers often struggle with setting healthy boundaries.
Their boundaries are invisible and always moving because they want to please everybody.
If you're always trying to make others happy,
you might end up over-committing or allowing others to take advantage of you,
take advantage of your time and your energy.
(03:43):
And this lack of boundaries can create stress and resentment.
Over the years, I have worked with employees that had solid boundaries
and employees that did not.
I have worked for bosses who have strong boundaries and bosses who do not.
And what happens when we don't have strong boundaries, when we say yes to everything,
(04:06):
when we're always trying to please others, people may like us,
but they're not going to respect us.
They know to come to you if you're this way because you're always going to say yes,
they know not to go to that other person that has strong boundaries
because they very likely will tell them no.
(04:27):
So yeah, they may like you, but they're not going to respect you because you've demonstrated
that you don't respect yourself.
You don't respect your time.
You don't respect the boundaries.
Your boundaries are invisible and always moving.
What does this look like in ministry?
Sometimes on church staff, there's often ministers and there are support staff.
(04:50):
And their jobs are completely different.
Ministry is about people and yes, in ministry, we have things that have to get done by Sunday.
So Sunday, you know, your task, whatever task you have to do,
or that you are asking support staff to do, very often need to be done by Sunday.
But ministry is about people.
(05:10):
And so ministers are often out of the office.
They're in meetings, they're having coffee, they're having lunch, and these are working lunches.
So it may look like to someone sitting in the office, wow, he's been gone for an hour and a half.
But it is not a break from work as it is perhaps for a support staff person when they leave for lunch
(05:31):
or when they go to the break room for lunch, they're taking a break from their work to have lunch.
And ministry is just not that way.
And so that's something that support staff often don't understand about ministry.
But what ministers often don't understand about support staff is the amount of time
it takes for them to do their job.
Every support staff person I have ever worked with in my 18 years in ministry has a strong commitment to doing a good job.
(05:58):
They know that their very existence on a church staff is to be a support to the ministers in their work.
And so they want to do a good job, they want to be pleasing.
And so I have worked with support staff people who have very strong clear boundaries and some who do not.
The ones that I have worked with over the years that have strong boundaries will say, "Yes, I'd be happy to do that for you."
(06:24):
Unfortunately, I can't get it done by the end of today.
This is a five hour task and I leave in two hours.
That's a strong boundary.
That's where we can get into some negotiation about when they can or do have time to do it.
Or maybe I'll take this task back or maybe can you work on it for two hours and I'll finish it.
Whatever you need to do to collaborate and to negotiate because this person has set a clear boundary.
(06:47):
I work until four. I get off at four. I'm happy to help you until four. That's a clear boundary.
I've also worked with support staff people whose boundaries are invisible and always moving.
You give them a five hour task. They only have two hours left. They want to please you so they go, "Yeah, I can get it done."
They don't tell you they worked on over the weekend to get it done or they stayed until after dinner to get it done.
(07:11):
They don't often tell you that because they just want to be pleasing to you.
You're wondering, "Wow, this person just always seems to get it done and you don't know what they had to do in order to do that."
It's important when we give tasks to support personnel that we ask them, "How long do you think this will take you?
(07:32):
Do you have enough time to get it done or when do you think you could have it finished by?
I need to decide if I need to keep this myself or if it's something you have time to do.
Do you actually have time to do it with your other duties?"
That's something ministers don't often ask support staff.
What have you got going on this week? Do you have time for a task like this?
I need it done by this date. If you can't get it done by this date, no problem.
(07:56):
I will. I'll get it done.
Here's a task I want you to do, but it doesn't have to be done this week. If you're busy this week, do you have time for it next week?
That kind of communication, that collaboration, that negotiation goes a long way.
Because sometimes people pleasers just don't know how to say no and they find they're neglecting their own needs
(08:18):
and they're setting up poor boundaries.
Another unhealthy aspect of people pleasing is if your self-worth is dependent on other people's approval
or meeting other people's expectations, it can lead to low self-esteem.
If you are constantly seeking validation from others, it can be difficult to feel secure inside yourself
(08:44):
without that constant external validation.
Working for a church, church members don't often think about the boundaries of our time.
They don't think about office hours. They don't necessarily think about what's going on in the evening.
I have been texted and called and emailed at 9 o'clock at night with a "quick question".
(09:08):
And what people don't realize is that "quick question".
Yeah, that conversation may last five, ten, fifteen minutes, but now we've hung up
and I'm thinking about it for the rest of the evening. I'm back at work in my mind.
And so it's up to me to set clear boundaries. It's up to me to return their call during business hours
or to decide because I know why they're calling. I need to go ahead and take this one.
(09:33):
But not to make that the habit because my overarching goal is to please people.
It can create resentment and burnout.
Over time, I'm going to start to feel resentful if my efforts to please others aren't reciprocated
or they're not appreciated.
And this can lead to emotional burnout and frustration and I can start to feel like I'm being taken for granted.
(09:58):
Am I being taken for granted? No. I just haven't set clear boundaries and I'm not sticking to them
because I'm trying so hard to please others and then I'm weighing and measuring the degree to which I'm actually pleasing them.
It can create an avoidance of conflict. This is a common trait of people pleasers.
This fear of conflict or a fear of disagreement.
(10:19):
And so to keep the peace, they will suppress their own opinions or desires or feelings.
And this also leads to frustration or confusion.
Avoiding conflict, I've said this many times, it may appear to maintain harmony, to keeping the peace,
but it's just stuffing the conflict. It's leading to unresolved issues or emotional disconnection.
(10:44):
How often have you found yourself avoiding a person because there's something unresolved between you?
And so to quote, keep the peace, you just stay out of their way.
You haven't kept the peace. You haven't resolved anything.
You're avoiding them and this conflict is stuffed and you don't know when it's going to come out,
but I guarantee you it will.
(11:06):
It can create superficial relationships. People who prioritize pleasing others may find themselves in relationships that are based on them performing
or them fitting into someone else's expectation rather than this true, this authentic, this mutual understanding and connection
(11:30):
because we're real with each other.
This can make your relationships feel shallow and unfulfilling in the long run.
And then it can create in-authenticity, constantly adjusting your behavior to meet someone else's expectations,
can keep you from expressing who you really are.
You might find yourself hiding your true feelings, your true desires, your true preferences in favor of what you've decided others want from you.
(11:59):
And this is completely inauthentic. Your relationships are not authentic and there's this, it can create this disconnection from your own identity.
So when is people pleasing become unhealthy? When you're sacrificing your own happiness for the sake of others,
when you find yourself feeling stressed or anxious, when you're not meeting others' expectations or when you have to say no,
(12:24):
when you're experiencing guilt because you put your own needs first or when you're not able to make everybody happy,
when you avoid speaking up or expressing your true feelings simply because you're trying to avoid conflict,
or when you feel drained or overwhelmed because you are constantly giving, giving, giving to others and you're not receiving anything in return.
(12:51):
So while it's natural and it's healthy to want to help others, it is so vital, it's so important to maintain a balance between caring for others and taking care of yourself.
Because healthy relationships, whether they're personal or professional or social, should be built on mutual respect,
(13:14):
mutual understanding and mutual boundaries, it's okay to say no when you need to and it's okay to prioritize your own needs and your own well-being.
Self-care is an act of worship to the God who created you. It is your responsibility and no one else's
(13:40):
to make sure that you are taking care of yourself. I hope this has been helpful to you.
Hey, let's do this again next week.
It is my prayer that this podcast inspired you, blessed you, or made you think.
If so, please share it with a friend, subscribe and please leave a review.
(14:02):
Hey, I want to connect with you. Follow me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, send me a DM or email me at hello@beckyburroughs.com.
If you are a Christian woman who leads and you are interested in one of my Leadership Bootcamps for Women in Ministry, this is a four week workshop.
Or becoming part of a Kairos Cohort, your long group coaching, send me a DM or an email for more information. We'll talk soon.
(14:30):
[Music]
This is the third in a three-part series on people pleasing.
(00:04):
Two weeks ago, I posed the question, "Are you a people pleaser?"
Last week, I posed the question, "Is people pleasing your leadership blind spot?"
And in today's episode, I want to talk about people pleasing versus self-care.
And I want to begin by saying being a people pleaser is not inherently bad,
(00:25):
but it can become unhealthy when it interferes in your leadership, in your decision-making,
and in your effective leadership in an organization, and on a personal level,
when it interferes with your well-being, with your personal growth, or with your relationships,
it can also become unhealthy.
(00:45):
But there are some healthy aspects of people pleasing.
First of all, people pleasers are often highly empathetic
and considerate of others' feelings, and this can make them great friends, colleagues, partners, even leaders.
Empathy is a valuable trait, and helping others can feel really rewarding,
(01:06):
especially to those of us who are Christ's followers.
But people pleasing also involves being agreeable and wanting to help,
and that can foster cooperation and harmony in groups or teams.
Because people pleasers often go out of their way to make others feel comfortable,
(01:27):
which can build trust and camaraderie.
But just like with anything else, there is a flip side to people pleasing.
There is a time when a desire to be a people pleaser becomes unhealthy,
and that's what I'm going to talk about today.
Let's dive in to today's episode.
Hey, friend, are you a people pleasing conflict avoiding leader?
(01:51):
Is your secret relationship with fear affecting your leadership decisions?
Do you want to learn how to build credibility and confidence,
or to navigate difficult conversations?
Do you long to manage your time without sacrificing your family or self-care?
Welcome to leadership becomes her.
(02:12):
I Becky Burroughs, your host, and a minister and life and leadership coach
with over 50 years experience in leadership.
I firmly believe God has given you everything you need to lead well.
You have the toolbox.
You just need to learn how to use the tools.
So get comfy or start a mindless task.
You know how to pause or rewind if you need to.
(02:34):
Let's get started.
So let's talk about some unhealthy aspects of people pleasing.
Number one, when you are constantly prioritizing others over yourself,
it can lead to burnout and exhaustion.
(02:55):
If you're saying yes to everything, yet your own needs, your own desires,
and your personal goals can get shoved aside.
And this can leave you feeling resentful or unfulfilled in the long run.
It also can be extremely exhausting because you're not taking care of your own needs.
Another unhealthy aspect of people pleasing is you could have poor boundaries.
(03:21):
People pleasers often struggle with setting healthy boundaries.
Their boundaries are invisible and always moving because they want to please everybody.
If you're always trying to make others happy,
you might end up over-committing or allowing others to take advantage of you,
take advantage of your time and your energy.
(03:43):
And this lack of boundaries can create stress and resentment.
Over the years, I have worked with employees that had solid boundaries
and employees that did not.
I have worked for bosses who have strong boundaries and bosses who do not.
And what happens when we don't have strong boundaries, when we say yes to everything,
(04:06):
when we're always trying to please others, people may like us,
but they're not going to respect us.
They know to come to you if you're this way because you're always going to say yes,
they know not to go to that other person that has strong boundaries
because they very likely will tell them no.
(04:27):
So yeah, they may like you, but they're not going to respect you because you've demonstrated
that you don't respect yourself.
You don't respect your time.
You don't respect the boundaries.
Your boundaries are invisible and always moving.
What does this look like in ministry?
Sometimes on church staff, there's often ministers and there are support staff.
(04:50):
And their jobs are completely different.
Ministry is about people and yes, in ministry, we have things that have to get done by Sunday.
So Sunday, you know, your task, whatever task you have to do,
or that you are asking support staff to do, very often need to be done by Sunday.
But ministry is about people.
(05:10):
And so ministers are often out of the office.
They're in meetings, they're having coffee, they're having lunch, and these are working lunches.
So it may look like to someone sitting in the office, wow, he's been gone for an hour and a half.
But it is not a break from work as it is perhaps for a support staff person when they leave for lunch
(05:31):
or when they go to the break room for lunch, they're taking a break from their work to have lunch.
And ministry is just not that way.
And so that's something that support staff often don't understand about ministry.
But what ministers often don't understand about support staff is the amount of time
it takes for them to do their job.
Every support staff person I have ever worked with in my 18 years in ministry has a strong commitment to doing a good job.
(05:58):
They know that their very existence on a church staff is to be a support to the ministers in their work.
And so they want to do a good job, they want to be pleasing.
And so I have worked with support staff people who have very strong clear boundaries and some who do not.
The ones that I have worked with over the years that have strong boundaries will say, "Yes, I'd be happy to do that for you."
(06:24):
Unfortunately, I can't get it done by the end of today.
This is a five hour task and I leave in two hours.
That's a strong boundary.
That's where we can get into some negotiation about when they can or do have time to do it.
Or maybe I'll take this task back or maybe can you work on it for two hours and I'll finish it.
Whatever you need to do to collaborate and to negotiate because this person has set a clear boundary.
(06:47):
I work until four. I get off at four. I'm happy to help you until four. That's a clear boundary.
I've also worked with support staff people whose boundaries are invisible and always moving.
You give them a five hour task. They only have two hours left. They want to please you so they go, "Yeah, I can get it done."
They don't tell you they worked on over the weekend to get it done or they stayed until after dinner to get it done.
(07:11):
They don't often tell you that because they just want to be pleasing to you.
You're wondering, "Wow, this person just always seems to get it done and you don't know what they had to do in order to do that."
It's important when we give tasks to support personnel that we ask them, "How long do you think this will take you?
(07:32):
Do you have enough time to get it done or when do you think you could have it finished by?
I need to decide if I need to keep this myself or if it's something you have time to do.
Do you actually have time to do it with your other duties?"
That's something ministers don't often ask support staff.
What have you got going on this week? Do you have time for a task like this?
I need it done by this date. If you can't get it done by this date, no problem.
(07:56):
I will. I'll get it done.
Here's a task I want you to do, but it doesn't have to be done this week. If you're busy this week, do you have time for it next week?
That kind of communication, that collaboration, that negotiation goes a long way.
Because sometimes people pleasers just don't know how to say no and they find they're neglecting their own needs
(08:18):
and they're setting up poor boundaries.
Another unhealthy aspect of people pleasing is if your self-worth is dependent on other people's approval
or meeting other people's expectations, it can lead to low self-esteem.
If you are constantly seeking validation from others, it can be difficult to feel secure inside yourself
(08:44):
without that constant external validation.
Working for a church, church members don't often think about the boundaries of our time.
They don't think about office hours. They don't necessarily think about what's going on in the evening.
I have been texted and called and emailed at 9 o'clock at night with a "quick question".
(09:08):
And what people don't realize is that "quick question".
Yeah, that conversation may last five, ten, fifteen minutes, but now we've hung up
and I'm thinking about it for the rest of the evening. I'm back at work in my mind.
And so it's up to me to set clear boundaries. It's up to me to return their call during business hours
or to decide because I know why they're calling. I need to go ahead and take this one.
(09:33):
But not to make that the habit because my overarching goal is to please people.
It can create resentment and burnout.
Over time, I'm going to start to feel resentful if my efforts to please others aren't reciprocated
or they're not appreciated.
And this can lead to emotional burnout and frustration and I can start to feel like I'm being taken for granted.
(09:58):
Am I being taken for granted? No. I just haven't set clear boundaries and I'm not sticking to them
because I'm trying so hard to please others and then I'm weighing and measuring the degree to which I'm actually pleasing them.
It can create an avoidance of conflict. This is a common trait of people pleasers.
This fear of conflict or a fear of disagreement.
(10:19):
And so to keep the peace, they will suppress their own opinions or desires or feelings.
And this also leads to frustration or confusion.
Avoiding conflict, I've said this many times, it may appear to maintain harmony, to keeping the peace,
but it's just stuffing the conflict. It's leading to unresolved issues or emotional disconnection.
(10:44):
How often have you found yourself avoiding a person because there's something unresolved between you?
And so to quote, keep the peace, you just stay out of their way.
You haven't kept the peace. You haven't resolved anything.
You're avoiding them and this conflict is stuffed and you don't know when it's going to come out,
but I guarantee you it will.
(11:06):
It can create superficial relationships. People who prioritize pleasing others may find themselves in relationships that are based on them performing
or them fitting into someone else's expectation rather than this true, this authentic, this mutual understanding and connection
(11:30):
because we're real with each other.
This can make your relationships feel shallow and unfulfilling in the long run.
And then it can create in-authenticity, constantly adjusting your behavior to meet someone else's expectations,
can keep you from expressing who you really are.
You might find yourself hiding your true feelings, your true desires, your true preferences in favor of what you've decided others want from you.
(11:59):
And this is completely inauthentic. Your relationships are not authentic and there's this, it can create this disconnection from your own identity.
So when is people pleasing become unhealthy? When you're sacrificing your own happiness for the sake of others,
when you find yourself feeling stressed or anxious, when you're not meeting others' expectations or when you have to say no,
(12:24):
when you're experiencing guilt because you put your own needs first or when you're not able to make everybody happy,
when you avoid speaking up or expressing your true feelings simply because you're trying to avoid conflict,
or when you feel drained or overwhelmed because you are constantly giving, giving, giving to others and you're not receiving anything in return.
(12:51):
So while it's natural and it's healthy to want to help others, it is so vital, it's so important to maintain a balance between caring for others and taking care of yourself.
Because healthy relationships, whether they're personal or professional or social, should be built on mutual respect,
(13:14):
mutual understanding and mutual boundaries, it's okay to say no when you need to and it's okay to prioritize your own needs and your own well-being.
Self-care is an act of worship to the God who created you. It is your responsibility and no one else's
(13:40):
to make sure that you are taking care of yourself. I hope this has been helpful to you.
Hey, let's do this again next week.
It is my prayer that this podcast inspired you, blessed you, or made you think.
If so, please share it with a friend, subscribe and please leave a review.
(14:02):
Hey, I want to connect with you. Follow me on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn, send me a DM or email me at hello@beckyburroughs.com.
If you are a Christian woman who leads and you are interested in one of my Leadership Bootcamps for Women in Ministry, this is a four week workshop.
Or becoming part of a Kairos Cohort, your long group coaching, send me a DM or an email for more information. We'll talk soon.
(14:30):
[Music]
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