April 30, 2025 • 18 mins
Hey, Friend!
Are you a thinker or a feeler? Thinkers tend to trust their thoughts more than their feelings. Feelers tend to trust their feelings more than their thoughts.
So, how do we learn to balance our thoughts and feelings so that we can make good decisions, solve problems, and deal with life in general?
In today’s episode, I make some suggestions for bridging the gap between the head and the heart. Both are valuable, and when balanced, can created a fuller approach to life.
I pray this blesses you!
Becky
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Some of us are thinkers, meaning we trust our thoughts more than we trust our feelings.
(00:08):
Others of us identify more as feelers.
We trust our feelings more than we trust our thoughts.
And yet both thoughts and feelings are important.
So the question becomes how do we learn how to balance our thoughts and our feelings in
a healthy way?
Because both are important in decision making, in problem solving, and just in life in
(00:34):
different ways.
And our thoughts have a thing or two to learn from our feelings and our feelings have
a thing or two to learn from our thoughts.
So the question becomes how do we learn to find the balance?
Let's dive in to today's episode.
Hey friend, are you a people pleasing conflict
(00:57):
avoiding leader?
Is your secret relationship with fear affecting your leadership decisions?
Do you want to learn how to build credibility and confidence or to navigate difficult conversations?
Do you long to manage your time without sacrificing your family or self-care?
Welcome to leadership becomes her.
(01:18):
I'm Becky Burroughs, your host and a minister in life and leadership coach with over 50
years experience in leadership.
And I firmly believe God has given you everything you need to lead well.
You have the toolbox.
You just need to learn how to use the tools.
So get comfy or start a mindless task.
You know how to pause or rewind if you need to.
(01:41):
Let's get started.
So I'll begin by saying that I identify as a thinker throughout my life as I look back
and I'm in different situations.
How I think about something has always carried more weight for me than how I feel about it.
(02:04):
In fact I've caught myself many times using my thoughts to talk myself out of certain feelings.
So for example someone says something to me that makes me angry or that hurts my feelings
or affects me in any kind of a negative way.
Or I react based on how they made me feel my brain kicks into gear and I began to go well
(02:29):
now you know Becky is it really that what they were saying was so bad did they really try
to hurt your feelings or are you sensitive?
Maybe something's going on with me that day and I blame that I'm having a bad day if this
person had said this thing on any other day it wouldn't have affected me like it did today.
And so I do great mental gymnastics to try to either talk myself out of my big feelings
(02:55):
or to help myself understand why I'm having these big feelings which in turn will determine
if I'm going to even let that person know that they've hurt me or offended me or made
me angry or anything because in my mind if I can talk myself out of my big feelings if
I can get over it on my own then I don't have to deal with that person I don't have to
(03:19):
confront them on what they did.
I'll give you a personal example and this happened not too long ago someone at work said
something that I really can't remember if it made me angry or hurt my feelings but it
really had a negative effect.
And I found myself I decided not to say anything I'm going to get over it on my own I'm tired
(03:40):
I'm this I'm that and that's why it bothered me so much that's what I told myself.
And so I tried to get over it but what I found I was doing was avoiding that person not
overtly but I just didn't seek their company I didn't initiate conversations we still had
(04:00):
to be in meetings together as a group and we had to interact but not I didn't seek their
company.
This went on for about two weeks and I realized you know I thought I was going to get over
this but I didn't so I need to deal with it.
So I went to this person and I said hey a couple of weeks ago you said this thing and it
(04:22):
made me feel this way and I thought I could get over it but apparently I haven't because
but for the past two weeks everything you say and do makes me mad and I realize it's because
I have not dealt with that thing and this person was so genuinely surprised and said oh
my word I had no idea when I said that that it had that effect on you I am so sorry that
(04:45):
was not what I intended at all thank you so much for letting me know.
And honestly ten years ago I wouldn't have done that twenty years ago thirty years ago
I wouldn't have done that I would have continued to tell myself that I can get over it
not realizing that I was in fact you know damaging our relationship in some way by not dealing
(05:08):
with this big thing that was between us but that is the that is the downside of being a
thinker who uses their thoughts to talk themselves out of their important feelings is that sometimes
we think we can get over something when we can't and I'm just so glad that I'm finally
(05:29):
learning that I'm learning to trust my feelings a little bit more and it's making a difference
in my relationships but by the same token we have people who identify as feelers who use
how they feel in a certain moment to inform how they think about it and how they're going
to talk about it they use their feelings as a litmus test well it makes me feel this way
(05:53):
therefore this must be true or I must do this without really giving proper time and attention
to to their thought patterns because you know God made us with thoughts the ability to think
God made us with the ability to feel but ideally we need both our thoughts and our feelings
to make decisions to solve problems and to deal with life in healthy ways over the years
(06:20):
I have dealt with people who identify as feelers who will have this initial knee jerk reaction
to something that happens or something that is said or done of this of strong feelings
and all they can do is sit in those feelings they it's like they don't don't have the tools
to get out of that and to think it through and think well what must what could have been
(06:44):
happening and to cause this person to say this and is there any benefit of the doubt that
I can give this person or what do I need to do or how do I need to approach that they just
can't get beyond their feelings and I think that happens in either way if I'm overthinking
or over feeling a situation so what do I do whether I am a thinker or whether I am a
(07:07):
dealer how do I learn to develop balance between my thoughts and my feelings so let's begin
with thinkers I think one of the things that thinkers need to think about is how to is spending
the time recognizing the value of their emotions so involved in that is recognizing and
(07:29):
honoring the emotion rather than dismissing it rather than discounting it rather than
saying I'm going to talk myself out of this emotion or you know Becky the only reason you
reacted this way is because of this other thing going on but what I've learned to do is
a thinker is to name the emotion this person at work said this thing to me it made me feel
(07:50):
embarrassed it made me want to tear up and I had to fight back the tears it made me sad
it put distance in our relationship it made me not want to be around this person and
so identifying the emotion and owning it and naming it is really important I think for a
(08:10):
thinker to do because emotions do carry valuable information about what is important to us
and when we ignore our emotions that can lead to all kinds of things like I've already
mentioned it can also lead to burnout or decisions that are disconnected to what we really
value one of the things that I have realized at times when my feelings are hurt or I'm sad
(08:41):
or embarrassed is that and this I think this happens with all of us when someone says something
that makes us angry or hurts our feelings in some way it shouts to us those secret fears
we have about ourselves or I know in my case I identify as a five on the enneagram and
(09:01):
as a five I value knowledge I crave knowledge I am I am I have this insatiable desire to learn
and so one of the downsides of that is a five doesn't want to feel like they don't have
the knowledge they need to do a particular thing if they feel like they don't have the
(09:22):
knowledge they're going to go find it because they crave knowledge and so when someone
says something to me that makes me feel a certain way nine times out of ten it's going to make
me feel stupid and or ignorant or lacking in knowledge it feeds into the flip side of
this thing that I need as a five on the anyogram I need more and more and more knowledge
(09:44):
and so whatever that is for you that secret fear or that secret desire is really tied
to that that person could have said that same thing to some other person and they might not
have reacted the same way if they are wired differently so one of the things that thinkers
can do is to practice mindfulness as I said naming and owning the emotion and sitting
(10:07):
in it and learning to explore their emotions without letting the emotion override good thinking
and logic I also learned this from two people in my life one was a member of my family who
was calling me one time to tell me about a problem being a thinker my brain immediately
(10:29):
kicked in to solution mode and my daughter is a feeler this was my daughter and she is a
feeler and she said mom can you just let me tell you how I feel before you automatically
tell me how to fix it and I thought that sounded so strange to me right because I'm a thinker
so I thought well why would you not immediately kick into problem solving mode but I I took
(10:54):
that to heart and then a few years later I'm talking to a friend and she's telling me
a story and if she didn't say almost the exact same thing she is a feeler her mom is a thinker
and she said so I'm telling my mom this problem and I said mom I don't need you to solve
the problem for me I need you to sit with me for a few minutes in my feelings and you know
(11:17):
when you hear something once you go all that's interesting when you hear it over and over
again you're like oh okay well this is probably valid and so after I heard it the second time
I realized this is something I need to work on as a thinker I need to learn to sit in my
feelings I need to learn to sit with others in their feelings so it's something I've really
been working on the last few years the other thing that thinkers can work on is being more
(11:43):
diligent about engaging in empathy that requires emotional intelligence and it's it's learning
how to understand and connect with others emotions and when you do that as a thinker you
can gain insight into how for them emotions really impact their decisions which for you
(12:03):
it's the opposite your decisions impact your emotions and this might help integrate emotions
more effectively in your own thought processes so by coming to terms with your own emotions
owning them naming them sitting in them being comfortable sitting in them and so one of
the things I've learned to do in the last few years is I'll you know let's say I wake
(12:27):
up and I have a particular emotion I'm like you know I'm feeling really really sad
today huh what is that and I try to identify maybe what have I been thinking about or did
I have a bad dream I've literally woken up sad before from having a bad dream or did something
happen yesterday is there anything unresolved in my life is there anything that could be causing
(12:49):
it and sometimes I can identify what is and sometimes I can't one day I finally concluded
that it was because the sky was overcast I could not come with any other reason but I
decided to be okay with that and that's hard for thinkers to do and it takes work something
else that thinkers can do is to develop emotional logic to to integrate emotional awareness into
(13:16):
the decision making process for example you know you're a thinker you're going to make a decision
ask yourself how do I feel about this decision I'm making and then explore what that emotion
might be trying to tell you and over time this can help you understand that feelings and thinking
logic are designed to complement each other God expects us to use both of these in balance
(13:41):
and sometimes we lean more toward the one that feels more comfortable by the same token
those who lean toward feelers it would be helpful if they could learn how to integrate thoughts
into their feelings constructive helpful thoughts so for example learning to evaluate their
thoughts objectively feelers who naturally trust their feelings might make sometimes decisions
(14:08):
based on emotions that aren't fully examined so learning to ask yourself whether your feelings
are aligned with the facts or if your feelings are influenced by temporary moods or biases
or unresolved issues it does not mean dismissing your feelings but rather taking a step back
(14:31):
so that you can gain perspective you can get a bigger picture it would also be helpful for
the feeler to engage in self reflection which I'm a big proponent of self reflection taking
the time to reflect on your thoughts maybe through practices like meditation or talking
to a trusted friend can help feelers identify whether your emotions are rooted in deep truth
(14:56):
or if your feelings are driven by past experiences driven by fear driven by external pressure
and this kind of reflection can offer more clarity when the emotions are really really
strong but also feelers can learn to balance with practicality a feeler might also benefit
(15:18):
from grounding their decisions in careful thinking in logic in planning and before acting on
intense emotions asking themselves what would a practical solution look like and consider
both the emotional and the rational outcomes of their choices and whether you are a thinker
or a feeler if if this creating this balance is really hard for you find someone if you're
(15:43):
a thinker for example find the people in your world that lean more toward feelings and have
that discussion see tell them about the situation and how what is what you're thinking and you're
trying to get more in touch with your feelings I guarantee you the feelers in your world will
know instantly how to help you get more in touch with your feelings and the opposite is
(16:04):
true if you lean toward being a feeler in response to everything that's happening in the
world around you connect with the thinkers in your group and they will give you things to
think about not to take the place of your feelings not to discount your feelings but to
help put them in perspective because the goal is a balance between your thinking and your
(16:26):
feelings as you approach problems life situations or decision making because the truth is
a process of bridging the gap between the head where the thinking occurs and the heart where
the feeling begins and both are ways of knowing life both ways are valuable and when they are
(16:50):
balanced with each other they can create a fuller more nuanced approach to life in next
weeks episode I'm going to address the question which comes first thinking or feeling there's
some strong opinions about this hey let's do this again next week it is my prayer that this
(17:16):
podcast inspired you blessed you or made you think if so please share it with a friend subscribe
and please leave a review hey I want to connect with you follow me on facebook instagram and
linkedin send me a DM or email me at hello@beckyburroughs.com if you are a Christian woman who leads
(17:37):
and you are interested in one of my Leadership Bootcamps for Women in Ministry this is a four
week workshop or becoming part of a Kairos Cohort your long group coaching send me a DM or
an email for more information we'll talk soon
(18:01):
(upbeat music)
Some of us are thinkers, meaning we trust our thoughts more than we trust our feelings.
(00:08):
Others of us identify more as feelers.
We trust our feelings more than we trust our thoughts.
And yet both thoughts and feelings are important.
So the question becomes how do we learn how to balance our thoughts and our feelings in
a healthy way?
Because both are important in decision making, in problem solving, and just in life in
(00:34):
different ways.
And our thoughts have a thing or two to learn from our feelings and our feelings have
a thing or two to learn from our thoughts.
So the question becomes how do we learn to find the balance?
Let's dive in to today's episode.
Hey friend, are you a people pleasing conflict
(00:57):
avoiding leader?
Is your secret relationship with fear affecting your leadership decisions?
Do you want to learn how to build credibility and confidence or to navigate difficult conversations?
Do you long to manage your time without sacrificing your family or self-care?
Welcome to leadership becomes her.
(01:18):
I'm Becky Burroughs, your host and a minister in life and leadership coach with over 50
years experience in leadership.
And I firmly believe God has given you everything you need to lead well.
You have the toolbox.
You just need to learn how to use the tools.
So get comfy or start a mindless task.
You know how to pause or rewind if you need to.
(01:41):
Let's get started.
So I'll begin by saying that I identify as a thinker throughout my life as I look back
and I'm in different situations.
How I think about something has always carried more weight for me than how I feel about it.
(02:04):
In fact I've caught myself many times using my thoughts to talk myself out of certain feelings.
So for example someone says something to me that makes me angry or that hurts my feelings
or affects me in any kind of a negative way.
Or I react based on how they made me feel my brain kicks into gear and I began to go well
(02:29):
now you know Becky is it really that what they were saying was so bad did they really try
to hurt your feelings or are you sensitive?
Maybe something's going on with me that day and I blame that I'm having a bad day if this
person had said this thing on any other day it wouldn't have affected me like it did today.
And so I do great mental gymnastics to try to either talk myself out of my big feelings
(02:55):
or to help myself understand why I'm having these big feelings which in turn will determine
if I'm going to even let that person know that they've hurt me or offended me or made
me angry or anything because in my mind if I can talk myself out of my big feelings if
I can get over it on my own then I don't have to deal with that person I don't have to
(03:19):
confront them on what they did.
I'll give you a personal example and this happened not too long ago someone at work said
something that I really can't remember if it made me angry or hurt my feelings but it
really had a negative effect.
And I found myself I decided not to say anything I'm going to get over it on my own I'm tired
(03:40):
I'm this I'm that and that's why it bothered me so much that's what I told myself.
And so I tried to get over it but what I found I was doing was avoiding that person not
overtly but I just didn't seek their company I didn't initiate conversations we still had
(04:00):
to be in meetings together as a group and we had to interact but not I didn't seek their
company.
This went on for about two weeks and I realized you know I thought I was going to get over
this but I didn't so I need to deal with it.
So I went to this person and I said hey a couple of weeks ago you said this thing and it
(04:22):
made me feel this way and I thought I could get over it but apparently I haven't because
but for the past two weeks everything you say and do makes me mad and I realize it's because
I have not dealt with that thing and this person was so genuinely surprised and said oh
my word I had no idea when I said that that it had that effect on you I am so sorry that
(04:45):
was not what I intended at all thank you so much for letting me know.
And honestly ten years ago I wouldn't have done that twenty years ago thirty years ago
I wouldn't have done that I would have continued to tell myself that I can get over it
not realizing that I was in fact you know damaging our relationship in some way by not dealing
(05:08):
with this big thing that was between us but that is the that is the downside of being a
thinker who uses their thoughts to talk themselves out of their important feelings is that sometimes
we think we can get over something when we can't and I'm just so glad that I'm finally
(05:29):
learning that I'm learning to trust my feelings a little bit more and it's making a difference
in my relationships but by the same token we have people who identify as feelers who use
how they feel in a certain moment to inform how they think about it and how they're going
to talk about it they use their feelings as a litmus test well it makes me feel this way
(05:53):
therefore this must be true or I must do this without really giving proper time and attention
to to their thought patterns because you know God made us with thoughts the ability to think
God made us with the ability to feel but ideally we need both our thoughts and our feelings
to make decisions to solve problems and to deal with life in healthy ways over the years
(06:20):
I have dealt with people who identify as feelers who will have this initial knee jerk reaction
to something that happens or something that is said or done of this of strong feelings
and all they can do is sit in those feelings they it's like they don't don't have the tools
to get out of that and to think it through and think well what must what could have been
(06:44):
happening and to cause this person to say this and is there any benefit of the doubt that
I can give this person or what do I need to do or how do I need to approach that they just
can't get beyond their feelings and I think that happens in either way if I'm overthinking
or over feeling a situation so what do I do whether I am a thinker or whether I am a
(07:07):
dealer how do I learn to develop balance between my thoughts and my feelings so let's begin
with thinkers I think one of the things that thinkers need to think about is how to is spending
the time recognizing the value of their emotions so involved in that is recognizing and
(07:29):
honoring the emotion rather than dismissing it rather than discounting it rather than
saying I'm going to talk myself out of this emotion or you know Becky the only reason you
reacted this way is because of this other thing going on but what I've learned to do is
a thinker is to name the emotion this person at work said this thing to me it made me feel
(07:50):
embarrassed it made me want to tear up and I had to fight back the tears it made me sad
it put distance in our relationship it made me not want to be around this person and
so identifying the emotion and owning it and naming it is really important I think for a
(08:10):
thinker to do because emotions do carry valuable information about what is important to us
and when we ignore our emotions that can lead to all kinds of things like I've already
mentioned it can also lead to burnout or decisions that are disconnected to what we really
value one of the things that I have realized at times when my feelings are hurt or I'm sad
(08:41):
or embarrassed is that and this I think this happens with all of us when someone says something
that makes us angry or hurts our feelings in some way it shouts to us those secret fears
we have about ourselves or I know in my case I identify as a five on the enneagram and
(09:01):
as a five I value knowledge I crave knowledge I am I am I have this insatiable desire to learn
and so one of the downsides of that is a five doesn't want to feel like they don't have
the knowledge they need to do a particular thing if they feel like they don't have the
(09:22):
knowledge they're going to go find it because they crave knowledge and so when someone
says something to me that makes me feel a certain way nine times out of ten it's going to make
me feel stupid and or ignorant or lacking in knowledge it feeds into the flip side of
this thing that I need as a five on the anyogram I need more and more and more knowledge
(09:44):
and so whatever that is for you that secret fear or that secret desire is really tied
to that that person could have said that same thing to some other person and they might not
have reacted the same way if they are wired differently so one of the things that thinkers
can do is to practice mindfulness as I said naming and owning the emotion and sitting
(10:07):
in it and learning to explore their emotions without letting the emotion override good thinking
and logic I also learned this from two people in my life one was a member of my family who
was calling me one time to tell me about a problem being a thinker my brain immediately
(10:29):
kicked in to solution mode and my daughter is a feeler this was my daughter and she is a
feeler and she said mom can you just let me tell you how I feel before you automatically
tell me how to fix it and I thought that sounded so strange to me right because I'm a thinker
so I thought well why would you not immediately kick into problem solving mode but I I took
(10:54):
that to heart and then a few years later I'm talking to a friend and she's telling me
a story and if she didn't say almost the exact same thing she is a feeler her mom is a thinker
and she said so I'm telling my mom this problem and I said mom I don't need you to solve
the problem for me I need you to sit with me for a few minutes in my feelings and you know
(11:17):
when you hear something once you go all that's interesting when you hear it over and over
again you're like oh okay well this is probably valid and so after I heard it the second time
I realized this is something I need to work on as a thinker I need to learn to sit in my
feelings I need to learn to sit with others in their feelings so it's something I've really
been working on the last few years the other thing that thinkers can work on is being more
(11:43):
diligent about engaging in empathy that requires emotional intelligence and it's it's learning
how to understand and connect with others emotions and when you do that as a thinker you
can gain insight into how for them emotions really impact their decisions which for you
(12:03):
it's the opposite your decisions impact your emotions and this might help integrate emotions
more effectively in your own thought processes so by coming to terms with your own emotions
owning them naming them sitting in them being comfortable sitting in them and so one of
the things I've learned to do in the last few years is I'll you know let's say I wake
(12:27):
up and I have a particular emotion I'm like you know I'm feeling really really sad
today huh what is that and I try to identify maybe what have I been thinking about or did
I have a bad dream I've literally woken up sad before from having a bad dream or did something
happen yesterday is there anything unresolved in my life is there anything that could be causing
(12:49):
it and sometimes I can identify what is and sometimes I can't one day I finally concluded
that it was because the sky was overcast I could not come with any other reason but I
decided to be okay with that and that's hard for thinkers to do and it takes work something
else that thinkers can do is to develop emotional logic to to integrate emotional awareness into
(13:16):
the decision making process for example you know you're a thinker you're going to make a decision
ask yourself how do I feel about this decision I'm making and then explore what that emotion
might be trying to tell you and over time this can help you understand that feelings and thinking
logic are designed to complement each other God expects us to use both of these in balance
(13:41):
and sometimes we lean more toward the one that feels more comfortable by the same token
those who lean toward feelers it would be helpful if they could learn how to integrate thoughts
into their feelings constructive helpful thoughts so for example learning to evaluate their
thoughts objectively feelers who naturally trust their feelings might make sometimes decisions
(14:08):
based on emotions that aren't fully examined so learning to ask yourself whether your feelings
are aligned with the facts or if your feelings are influenced by temporary moods or biases
or unresolved issues it does not mean dismissing your feelings but rather taking a step back
(14:31):
so that you can gain perspective you can get a bigger picture it would also be helpful for
the feeler to engage in self reflection which I'm a big proponent of self reflection taking
the time to reflect on your thoughts maybe through practices like meditation or talking
to a trusted friend can help feelers identify whether your emotions are rooted in deep truth
(14:56):
or if your feelings are driven by past experiences driven by fear driven by external pressure
and this kind of reflection can offer more clarity when the emotions are really really
strong but also feelers can learn to balance with practicality a feeler might also benefit
(15:18):
from grounding their decisions in careful thinking in logic in planning and before acting on
intense emotions asking themselves what would a practical solution look like and consider
both the emotional and the rational outcomes of their choices and whether you are a thinker
or a feeler if if this creating this balance is really hard for you find someone if you're
(15:43):
a thinker for example find the people in your world that lean more toward feelings and have
that discussion see tell them about the situation and how what is what you're thinking and you're
trying to get more in touch with your feelings I guarantee you the feelers in your world will
know instantly how to help you get more in touch with your feelings and the opposite is
(16:04):
true if you lean toward being a feeler in response to everything that's happening in the
world around you connect with the thinkers in your group and they will give you things to
think about not to take the place of your feelings not to discount your feelings but to
help put them in perspective because the goal is a balance between your thinking and your
(16:26):
feelings as you approach problems life situations or decision making because the truth is
a process of bridging the gap between the head where the thinking occurs and the heart where
the feeling begins and both are ways of knowing life both ways are valuable and when they are
(16:50):
balanced with each other they can create a fuller more nuanced approach to life in next
weeks episode I'm going to address the question which comes first thinking or feeling there's
some strong opinions about this hey let's do this again next week it is my prayer that this
(17:16):
podcast inspired you blessed you or made you think if so please share it with a friend subscribe
and please leave a review hey I want to connect with you follow me on facebook instagram and
linkedin send me a DM or email me at hello@beckyburroughs.com if you are a Christian woman who leads
(17:37):
and you are interested in one of my Leadership Bootcamps for Women in Ministry this is a four
week workshop or becoming part of a Kairos Cohort your long group coaching send me a DM or
an email for more information we'll talk soon
(18:01):
(upbeat music)
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