Episode 65: The Coach Approach to Balancing Thoughts and Feelings

Hey, Friend!

In last week’s episode, I contrasted thinkers (people who trust their thoughts more than their feelings) with feelers (people who trust their feelings more than their thoughts). One operates more from the head; the other operates more from the heart.

The truth is, we need to be able to do both, to integrate head and heart. When we can do this, then thinkers can lean into their emotions as valid pieces of information while feelers can learn to view their emotions through the lens of logic and reasoning.

In today’s episode, I share the Coach Approach to balancing thoughts and feelings. This bridges the gap between the head and the heart and can create a fuller, more nuanced approach to life.

I pray this blesses you!

Becky

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
In last week's episode, I talked about the fact that some of us are thinkers who tend to

(00:05):
trust our thoughts more than we trust our feelings and some of us are feelers who tend
to trust how we feel about a situation more than what we think.
But the truth is, we need a balance between thinking and feeling so that we can use this
balance for decision-making, problem-solving, and just life in general.

(00:26):
And so in today's episode, I'm going to share with you the coach approach to balancing
your thoughts and your feelings so that you can make more informed and less emotional decisions.
Want to know more?
Let's dive in to today's episode.
Hey, friend, are you a people-pleasing conflict-avoiding leader?

(00:50):
Is your secret relationship with fear affecting your leadership decisions?
Do you want to learn how to build credibility and confidence or to navigate difficult conversations?
Do you long to manage your time without sacrificing your family or self-care?
Welcome to Leadership Becomes Her.

(01:10):
I'm Becky Burroughs, your host and a minister and life and leadership coach with over 50
years experience in leadership.
I firmly believe God has given you everything you need to lead well.
You have the toolbox.
You just need to learn how to use the tools.
So get comfy or start a mindless task.
You know how to pause or rewind if you need to.

(01:33):
Let's get started.
So I think it's important to first lay it out there that there's nothing wrong with being
a thinker.
There's nothing wrong with being a feeler.
We need both in our world, just like we need extroverts and introverts.

(01:55):
But we were designed to do both, to both think and feel for those two systems to work in
concert with each other so that we can make better decisions and solve problems in a rational
and not emotional or not a cold way.
And so today I want to talk about, I'm a certified coach and we're taught strategies for helping

(02:19):
people balance their thoughts and their feelings.
It's the coach approach and that's what I want to talk about today.
In last week's episode, you know I shared kind of what it's like, because I'm a thinker.
I shared what it's like as a thinker to have a tendency to make decisions with my head
and what I have to do to integrate my heart and what it's like for a feeler who makes heart

(02:44):
decisions or sometimes they call it a gut feeling and how to integrate that with thoughts.
So that we can consider both the emotional and the rational outcome of our choices.
The desire is to find a common ground between the two, to be able to, for both thinkers
and feelers to learn how to integrate both aspects so that thinkers can get more comfortable

(03:09):
leaning into their emotions as a valid piece of information while feelers can learn to
view their emotions through the lens of logic and reason.
So both will likely benefit from practices like journaling, therapy or mindful self-reflection.
And finding the balance involves allowing both thought and feeling to coexist.

(03:34):
One doesn't necessarily need to outweigh the other.
One is not more important than the other.
Instead your thoughts and your feelings can inform and support each other.
So whether it's through creative outlets or mindfulness or engaging in conversation
with others who see the world differently, both thinkers and feelers can learn to value

(03:57):
both intellect and emotion in their decision making process.
And as I said last week, it's a process of bridging the gap between the head and the heart.
Both are ways of knowing.
Both ways of knowing are valuable and when balanced they can create a fuller approach to life.

(04:19):
So here's the question, which comes first?
Thinking about something or having feelings about it.
And that's an intriguing question and the answer, some feel that the answer can depend
on the situation and the individual because feelings and thoughts are interconnected.
And the order in which they occur is not always clear, some would say.

(04:42):
For example, if you believe that feelings come first then you tend to have an emotional
response to situations.
You're feeling your feelings arise first before you even think about it.
This can be true, an emotional, instinctual or deeply personal experiences.
For example, if you encounter something surprising or scary or exciting, you might feel

(05:06):
the emotional reaction before you've had time to consciously process it.
For instance, you might feel fear when you hear a loud noise before your mind can fully
process what caused the noise.
Emotions can be quick and automatic and often stem from past experiences or biases.
And these reactions can happen on the subconscious level before our rational mind kicks in to

(05:30):
analyze the situation.
In fact, you see a person that you care about and they're in distress and your immediate
feeling might be concerned or empathy even before your brain starts processing the situation
or considering what action to take.
On the other hand, people who say thinking comes first, that's more of a cognitive approach.

(05:50):
They think that thinking precedes feelings.
In many cases, emotions are triggered by how we interpret or evaluate a situation.
Our thoughts about an event can often shape the feelings we experience.
So if we interpret a situation as threatening, our thoughts about it may trigger fear or
anxiety.

(06:11):
And if we view something as exciting or positive, our thoughts may lead to feelings of joy
or anticipation.
So let's say you're about to give a speech.
And you may first think about the potential outcomes and the risks.
What if I mess up?
What if I forget what I'm going to say?

(06:31):
What if technology doesn't work?
And based on those thoughts, you might feel anxiety or nervousness.
And then there's the theory that thoughts and feelings occur together.
They can happen simultaneously.
Often our emotional reactions are shaped by our thoughts, but those thoughts are themselves
influenced by how we feel.

(06:51):
For example, during an argument, you might feel anger and think that you're being misunderstood
which can fuel more anger.
It can become a cycle where emotions and thoughts reinforce each other.
In real life, it's not always clear that this comes first and then that in sequence.
Thoughts and emotions are often dynamic, ongoing, exchange where one influences the other continuously.

(07:14):
For example, you might initially think something positive about an event which makes you feel
happy.
But later on, after you think about it more, you have doubts about your initial interpretation
and that could shift your feelings.
Alternatively, a sudden emotional reaction can lead you to reconsider or reframe your thoughts.

(07:35):
So even though feelings come first for some, thoughts come first for others, feelings tend
to me more an emotional reaction, obviously.
And thoughts can shape how we experience and interpret those feelings.
And very often the two are intertwined which creates this constant feedback loop or one influences

(07:58):
the other.
It's a dance of the heart and the mind and it can depend on context and individual differences.
But in professional coaching, we are taught that in general, how we think informs how we
feel, which informs the actions we take, which informs our relationships.
And let me tell you what I mean.

(08:19):
I don't necessarily mean it's all happening in the moment.
For example, let's say that you, that there are two women here and we are observing, we're
at a social function and we observe a man that we know and we know he's married, but he
walks into the social function alone and we see how he's interacting with this woman.

(08:42):
He walks up, he gives her a great big, very long hug and his wife is nowhere around and
then he's talking to her very close, their faces are very close to each other and they're
talking.
Let's say I'm one of the people and my friend is standing next to me.
Based on our past experiences, that's going to inform how we interpret what we're seeing.

(09:07):
So let's say I know this guy and I say, wow, look at him.
He is so friendly.
He's so approachable.
Look how he makes her feel so special and my friend who's had a different life experience
is, who are you kidding?
He's a flirt.
Look at how he is with that woman with his wife, nowhere in the room.

(09:29):
Now we're each judging what we're viewing based on past experiences.
Maybe my experience with men have been harmless and this is what friendly men do when they
mean no harm.
He would do the same thing if his wife were standing there.
Our experience might be totally different.

(09:50):
Maybe she has endured or witnessed flirtatious and appropriate men who behave inappropriately
when their wives are not in the room.
And then later she and I find that that woman, he's just come up and held for a very long
time is his sister, which completely changes how we feel about the situation because
now we view it differently.

(10:13):
But in coaching we would say that what came first were the thoughts based on past experience
which informed the feelings that we have about what we're viewing.
Then when we get new information, new thoughts, the feelings change.
So this theory that we are taught in coaching is that thoughts inform feelings.

(10:34):
It really aligns with cognitive behavioral therapy which suggests that our thoughts
have a direct impact on our emotions.
So how I interpret the world situations, how I interpret even myself shapes how I feel
about all of these things.
For example, if you think I'm not good enough, that thought is going to trigger feelings

(10:56):
of insecurity, of anxiety, of sadness, conversely, a thought like I worked really hard and I'm prepared.
Could generate feelings of confidence and calm as you enter a situation where you're
about to do public speaking?
So in coaching, this understanding is key because it helps clients identify and reframe limiting

(11:18):
beliefs or negative beliefs, just unhealthy thought patterns that can lead to shifts in their
emotional state.
For example, if someone shifts from thinking I am such a failure to, I've had setbacks,
but I can learn from them, those feelings might shift about the hopelessness they're
feeling to more of resilience or determination.

(11:42):
Consequently, if thoughts inform feelings, then feelings inform actions.
So we're taught in coaching that our emotional state often drives how we behave.
If you're feeling confident and positive, you're more likely to take bold action and step
into challenges.
If you're feeling fearful or insecure, you may withdraw, avoid risks or procrastinate.

(12:02):
In a coaching context, once a client identifies and challenges negative or limiting beliefs,
it's natural to see them feeling more empowered to take action.
Conversely, when people feel stuck or discouraged, coaching might focus on how to shift emotional
state to encourage more proactive and more positive action.

(12:25):
So for example, if a person feels excited about a new project, so this is a positive emotion
driven by supportive thoughts, they might take action by diving into the project with enthusiasm
and creativity.
But if they feel anxious due to thoughts of what if I fail, they may procrastinate or take
less decisive steps.

(12:47):
So these thoughts have influenced these feelings, which are influencing the action.
And then actions inform relationships.
So our behavior and our actions are the direct manifestation of how we think and feel.
And they play a significant role in how we relate to others.
If your actions are positive and confident and proactive, they tend to foster trust and

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cooperation and connection in relationships.
If your actions are defensive and avoidant or passive, they can lead to misunderstanding,
disconnection or conflict.
For example, someone who consistently approaches a relationship with openness and empathy,
which is rooted in positive thoughts and feelings, it's likely to strengthen that relationship.

(13:35):
On the other hand, someone who acts out of fear or resentment due to negative thought patterns
may inadvertently create tension or distance in their relationships.
But I think this model is a cycle of influence rather than a linear progression.
It's not always that we think first and feel of an act and relate.

(13:59):
Often it's a continuous loop where each part influences the other.
For instance, acting in a way that aligns with positive values can lead to better feelings,
which reinforces more constructive thoughts in this improved relationships.
Conversely, negative thoughts can create negative feelings that result in actions
that might harm relationships.

(14:22):
And this cycle also suggests that empowerment and change are possible by focus on any of
these elements.
You can interrupt a cycle at any stage by challenging the negative thoughts, by challenging behaviors,
or working on emotional regulation.
Coaching often involves identifying the starting point in the cycle that's most influential

(14:43):
for the individual.
There is their mindset, their emotions, their actions, or their relationships, and help
them shift it to create positive momentum throughout the cycle.
And so, as with most things, awareness is key.
So when a coach can help a client become aware of how their thoughts, their feelings,

(15:07):
and their actions are interconnected, it's powerful.
And often people aren't fully aware of the way they're thinking, which then drives
their emotions and behavior in a way that impacts their relationships.
So coaching can shine a light on these connections.
And intentional change, once we recognize these patterns, it's easier to make intentional

(15:29):
change, whether it's by practicing gratitude to shift emotions, by challenging self-limiting
beliefs, or focusing on more positive behaviors, the very act of making small, intentional shifts
can lead to bigger, long-lasting changes in relationship and outcome.

(15:50):
And I think this model is a fantastic framework because it recognizes the holistic nature
of human experience.
It's not just about thinking differently, or feeling differently.
It's about the interplay of all of these systems, and how changing one part of the cycle
can ripple out to improve the whole system.

(16:13):
It's about creating a positive feedback loop where clients can build momentum toward more
fulfilling thoughts, emotions, actions, and relationships.
I hope this has been helpful to you.
Hey, let's do this again next week.
It is my prayer that this podcast inspired you, blessed you, or made you think.

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So, please share it with a friend, subscribe, and please leave a review.
Hey, I want to connect with you.
Follow me on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn.
Send me a DM, or email me at [e-mail].
If you are a Christian woman who leads, and you are interested in one of my Leadership Boot

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camps for Women in Ministry, this is a four week workshop, or becoming part of a Kairos
Cohort, your long group coaching, send me a DM or an email for more information.
We'll talk soon.
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