Episode 83: Let's Face It: Ministry Can Be Lonely

Hey, Friends,

Women need women. Whether it is a daughter leaning on her mom, grandmother, or sister, or neighbors becoming friends, we are hardwired to need each other. Some women have the same friends throughout adulthood; other women continuously seek new friends. And if you work outside of the home, developing work friends is very important to work satisfaction.

But ministry is still largely a man’s world. It is not uncommon for a church to have one female minister on staff. To further complicate matters, it is vital to have relationships outside of your work context. So it often falls on the woman to find or create a community outside of work.

In today’s episode, I talk about the need women have for community outside of their ministry context and what they can do about it.

I pray this blesses you,

Becky

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Let's be honest here, ministry can be lonely.

(00:06):
When you're serving in a church, well you're often the one everyone else comes to for
guidance, for encouragement, for answers, but that can make it hard to find safe places
for your own heart, even on staff teams, especially if you're the only female minister
on the team.
And sometimes there are dynamics that make true friendship complicated.

(00:29):
And with church members, well they're wonderful, but they can't always carry your confidential
struggles.
So today I want to talk about something I've been noticing again and again as I walk
alongside women in ministry.
It comes up in conversations, in coaching, in retreats, and I would say it is the number
one thing women in ministry are longing for.

(00:53):
And that is community outside of their ministry context.
If you have ever felt like you're carrying the weight of ministry all on your own, or if
you've ever wished for a space where you didn't have to explain yourself where people
just get it, then this episode is for you.

(01:13):
Want to know more?
Let's dive into today's episode.
Hey friend, are you a people pleasing conflict avoiding leader?
Is your secret relationship with fear affecting your leadership decisions?
Do you want to learn how to build credibility and confidence or to navigate difficult conversations?

(01:35):
Do you long to manage your time without sacrificing your family or self-care?
Welcome to leadership becomes her.
I'm Becky Burroughs, your host and a minister and life and leadership coach with over 50 years
experience in leadership.
I firmly believe God has given you everything you need to lead well.

(01:56):
You have the toolbox.
You just need to learn how to use the tools.
So get comfy or start a mindless task.
You know how to pause or rewind if you need to.
Let's get started.
So yes, being a minister is often like being not really a counselor.

(02:20):
Ministers don't have the training of counselors, but you are a trusted listener.
People come to you to talk about confidential matters and very often you're the one that
refers them to a counselor.
People come to you for advice, people come to you and they want to vent.
When you're serving in a church, you come to expect that, right?

(02:43):
But here's what happens when people are coming to you.
You're carrying your own stuff.
You've got your own baggage, your own problems, your personal problems, your work problems.
And then someone in the church comes to you and they trust you and they want to unload
their problems on you.
Maybe they just need to vent.
And you happily listen.

(03:04):
But now you find yourself holding your problems and their problems with not always a place in
which to unload it.
It can be lonely.
It can be challenging and it can be a little bit scary at times when you feel the stress
piling up and you don't have a release.
Then if you add to that the fact that very often there are many, many churches that have

(03:29):
one female on staff or maybe just a couple of females on staff.
Maybe they're not even full time staff members.
It is, ministry is still very much male driven.
And that comes with it just naturally boundaries, boundaries in the level of friendship you can
have with the men on staff, with the kind of relationship you can have with the men on

(03:53):
staff.
And sometimes as a woman in ministry you just find yourself longing for a community, for
friends who understand your world.
They can finish your sentences because they're going through similar things as well.
Also as women in ministry in this century, we were very often were trailblazers and so

(04:16):
we're having to navigate stereotypes.
We're having to balance multiple roles that of minister, wife, mother, perhaps and sometimes
we face resistance simply because we're women.
When a man gets on stage to make an announcement to lead a prayer to read a scripture, no one

(04:37):
thinks the thing about it.
In many churches today women are also getting up and making announcements and leading a prayer
and reading a scripture and I can promise you when you do that, there's that secret
fear of who in this room thinks I don't deserve to be up here.
And that puts an additional pressure on doing something publicly like public speaking that

(05:01):
really shouldn't be.
But it just adds to the stress of being a woman in ministry.
And it's a lot.
And if you don't have a community that you can unload on, you can confide in a safe place
where you can talk openly and freely, it you can come to feel like you're the only one
going through this.

(05:21):
And that's why outside community matters.
It gives you freedom.
It gives you objectivity.
And it gives you people who understand your life without being tangled up in your church's
life.
So where do you even start?
Well let me give you a few ideas.
One is a peer group.

(05:43):
I know a number of children's ministers and student ministers who don't wait, who don't
wait for somebody to start a program.
They began reaching out to the, let's say a children's minister reaches out to the children's
ministers in her areas and said, hey, what about if we all got together once a month for
lunch?

(06:04):
Preachers often do the same thing where they will get together on a regular basis with other
preachers.
You could join a coaching cohort.
I offer a coaching cohort every year for women in ministry or nonprofit.
We meet once a month via Zoom for a couple of hours and those that are in my area of the

(06:26):
world.
We look to see if we can get together once a year.
But sometimes it's just a Zoom meeting and it is a way to connect.
It is a safe place.
We actually, there's some learning that goes on.
There's some one-on-one coaching and it can be very life-giving for a woman in ministry,

(06:46):
especially if she feels very alone in her context.
If your particular denomination doesn't offer something like that, there are interdenominational
groups out there.
And honestly, sometimes those are the richest because you get such a wide range of perspectives.

(07:08):
Another option is mentorship or spiritual direction, having someone outside of your context who
can ask you the deeper questions.
Who can listen without judgment and who can guide you spiritually can be life-giving.
And there's just the power of friendships.
Sometimes community is simply two women in ministry in different churches or different

(07:31):
towns who commit to meeting on a regular basis.
Maybe it's in person, maybe it's a monthly coffee over Zoom.
It doesn't have to be formal.
It just has to be intentional.
So what happens when you do this?
When you find your people outside of your ministry context?
First of all, you gain perspective.
Talking to women in different contexts helps you see new ideas, fresh approaches, and reminds

(07:56):
you that your church isn't the whole world.
There are different churches out there who are doing things differently.
There are women out there who are having different experiences.
Second, it is a safe place to vent.
You don't have to filter everything.
You can be raw and real and emotional without worrying that it will show up in some committee

(08:17):
meeting later.
And third, you get encouragement.
There is nothing like hearing another woman say, "Oh, I've been there.
You are not alone."
That simple phrase can breathe life back into your weary heart.
And finally, community sustains you for the long haul.
Community is not just about surviving the next season.

(08:38):
It is about thriving for decades and having a circle that supports you, that understands
you, that knows your world and speaks your language makes it so much more possible.
So here's my challenge for you.
Take one step this month.
Reach out to a peer ministry.

(08:58):
Join an online group, register for a retreat, or simply schedule that phone call with
a trusted friend.
Don't wait until you're running on empty.
Build your well now while you're thirsty.
It's already there.
I believe that community outside of your context isn't optional.
It's essential.
Hey, thanks so much for joining me today.

(09:21):
If this resonated with you, I would love to hear your story.
Send me a message or share this episode with another woman in ministry who might need the
reminder.
And if you are interested in the group coaching that I offer, Cairo's cohort, send me a DM.
I'll give you all the information.
We have another group starting at the first of the year.

(09:42):
Until next time, remember, you're not alone.
Your work matters and your soul deserves care too.
Hey, let's do this again next week.
This is my prayer that this podcast inspired you, blessed you, or made you think.
If so, please share it with a friend, subscribe, and please leave a review.

(10:06):
Hey, I want to connect with you.
Follow me on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn.
Send me a DM or email me at [e-mail].
If you are a Christian woman who leads and you are interested in one of my Leadership Boot
camps for Women in Ministry, this is a four-week workshop, or becoming part of a Kairos

(10:27):
Cohort, year-long group coaching.
Send me a DM or an email for more information.
We'll talk soon.
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