Episode Transcript
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Parents,
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you're creating the very behavior you are trying to stop.
Ephesians 6:4 says, 'Fathers,
do not exasperate your children.
Instead,
bring them up in the training and instructions of the Lord.' Parents are unknowingly exasperating their children through expert recommended methods.
Over here!
(00:20):
Because I said so!
Why do I have to keep repeating myself?
Mom or dad,
do you ever feel like a broken wrecker?
Wrecker.
Wrecker.
You're listening to 'Learn to Speak Kit' podcast on iTunes with
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Bonnie and Thomas Leota,
positively transforming families one out-of-control child at a time.
We are Bonnie and Thomas Leota.
We help parents and educators transform the most disruptive and
defiant child behavior without mind-altering medication.
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Years of therapy,
or any type of harsh punishment.
And today we want to talk about the things that parents do that
unknowingly irritatingly irritate their children.
And I wanted to find the word 'exasperate,' to irritate intensely,
to make worse,
to provoke anger.
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What are the things that we're doing as parents,
Tom,
to make our children angry?
Well,
by the way,
that's quite a big word.
Exasperate.
Exasperation.
We had to practice that a few times.
Oh my goodness.
See,
repetition is a second law of learning,
but let's walk through a typical day here.
Child acts out.
We know that's negative.
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Parent redirects.
Has no belief that the child can do it on its own.
Mm-hmm.
Positive or negative.
Child escalates.
Parent tries.
He works.
To calm them down.
Child feels invalidated.
Once again,
Nick.
More escalation.
Parent punishes.
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Woo.
Negative.
Child feels attacked.
Equals more defiance.
And you know what,
Tom,
like when we talk about all these things being negative.
Like,
just from a mom perspective,
I had no idea because I started reading parenting books when I was
pregnant with my first son.
He's 27,
pretty soon.
Yes,
that does age me.
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But I had no idea that what I was doing was negative.
I was following all the advice of the experts.
We should redirect.
We should put them in timeouts.
We should take things away.
All of these things,
but in a calm and gentle way.
Pretty much sums up all the parenting outside the scope of creating champions for life.
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And so I'm going to share this quote.
And you might know who it is.
And you might not.
Insanity.
is doing the same thing over and over and over again.
And expecting a different result.
You see,
when Einstein first said that the mindset that creates the problem can't fix it,
because why would you create it in the first place?
Boy,
does that just really ring true.
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And Bonnie says it so well with the white and black seeds.
Yeah,
I have this image in my head that a black seed— planted in the souls
of our children and in our families— can only produce toxic results,
right?
And so for redirecting,
we're punishing,
we're timing out,
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we're taking away.
Like this is only going to produce anger,
frustration,
stress,
fear.
So what we want to do is we want to plant white seeds.
And then when you picture a white seed,
you picture like a glowing,
godly,
divine seed.
And to me,
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when I think of white seeds,
I think of love,
joy,
harmony,
peace,
happiness,
success.
And so let's move into redirecting.
There's four main methods that are making our children's behavior worse.
The first one I want to talk about is redirecting.
You know,
when a toddler...
goes to do something and instead of teaching them about the lamp cord,
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we direct them over to a toy.
Instead of getting them to put their coat on when it's cold outside,
we redirect them by...
some sort of gimmick or some sort of manipulation where we have to
trick them by sharing a funny story or something as we're slipping
the coat on top of the child.
It's like we've forgotten who we are.
We've forgotten our role as parents,
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Tom.
And when you first asked me that,
and I looked like a deer in the headlights,
to make them happy,
to do everything for them,
to wrap them in bubble wrap.
Oh,
no,
no,
no,
no.
That's not it.
What is my role as a parent?
Well,
the short end of the stick on this one here is straight to the heart.
is to prepare the child with all missing life skills to launch out of the nest.
prime directive.
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So,
child never learns.
To handle difficulty,
feels dismissed.
And there's a proverb that actually supports this,
Bonnie.
And what was that one?
I think it was 22.
6.
Yeah,
it's Proverbs.
Train up a child in the...
way he should go,
not redirect away from hard things.
Like,
where in any personal development book or in scripture does it ever
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say, 'turn your child away from all the hard things'?
Don't let them persevere through any obstacle in life.
That's called postponing the inevitable.
I mean,
when would now be a good time to prepare them to leave?
So if you cease to exist,
how well would they be able to do?
You see this.
Truth has been lost to all the discorded disharmony,
better known as all the parenting out there.
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And so when we come back to the basics.
why it exasperates.
You see,
you're teaching them.
They get attention.
Through meltdowns.
No prevention.
Only reaction.
And if you're stuck in reaction mode in life,
you never get a chance to be in the driver's seat and be proactive.
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Yeah,
like that's such a great point because how many Instagram parenting
videos are out there saying, 'Be calm.
You know,
your child doesn't have the ability to self-regulate their emotions,
so you need to be their emotional regulator.' So what happens?
Your child goes for your makeup or something like that.
Moms,
we all get this.
Because when I was a first mom,
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the toddler was 18 months old,
trying to get in my makeup.
I was always going, 'Go away!' 'Stop it!' 'Get out of there and now,
with our granddaughter,
now that I know creating champions for life,
I just take all of my old makeup.
You know,
my lip gloss.
I think we talked about it a few episodes ago.
We went really deep into this,
but she loves lip gloss.
She loves sitting on my lap and doing her makeup while I'm doing my makeup.
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And yes,
she gets brown and blue all over her face.
And yes,
the lipstick goes everywhere.
But just before we leave the house,
I just take a little wipe.
I wipe it off,
and all is well.
Because instead of redirecting her,
I'm sure I'm showing her how to be like me.
I'm validating her desire,
not redirecting her away from it and then thinking that I need to calm the meltdown.
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That's just such a huge mistake.
So true.
So teaching moment happens.
before.
Never during.
And I just have a little story before we move forward,
Bonnie.
I would love that story because,
you know,
how do we even know what that looks like when we've been trained to be reactive forever?
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See,
my dad was a dad,
but he was a big kid trusted advisor.
And I was his genius offspring.
Mm-hmm.
And so I got into his shaving cream because I played the game called Monkey See,
Monkey Do.
And it was a full container.
I have no idea what it costs or what it would take to replace.
I just want to be like you.
But the genius in my dad was,
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he goes,
okay.
He put two and two together proactively.
When his container went down to about maybe a quarter left,
he gave that to me.
And he showed me when and where.
This is a perfect opportunity when you're in the bathtub.
So I had my little container of shaving cream because I was playing
Follow the Leader and Monkey See,
Monkey Do,
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where I was putting it on my face.
Of course,
I don't have anything to shave.
But I was just going through the motions and it was all easy.
And when that was proactively put into place,
guess who never touched his full shaving cream container ever again?
And it only took one opportunity to make the shift.
I love that.
I love that story.
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Parents,
if we start reframing how we see our children,
we go from seeing them as being these little defiant buggers who are
in our lives to test boundaries and see what you're going to do.
These are little genius spirits looking to be like you.
They need to learn how the world works.
And so when we go, 'no,
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you can't touch that.
Go away.' And then they get angry or they have a meltdown.
We say, 'I see your anger.
Anger.
It's okay to be angry,
little Timmy,
but I won't let you hit me,
but I won't let you throw things.' You see,
we're not validating the the actual action that they're taking.
We're not seeing them as little genius spirits who are just looking
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to navigate their way through this world.
We're seeing them as I'm in control of you and you must do everything I say.
And when you don't,
I will punish you.
Imagine being that little human.
That's right.
So why it exasperates.
Feelings are validated.
But no skill is taught.
No boundary.
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It said, 'No expectation is even given.' So children learn.
My feelings?
Excuse.
My behavior.
This is called a good story.
It's a shortcoming.
So,
Instead of...
punishing,
we would actually begin to teach.
This is through.
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Monkey see,
monkey do.
It's called showing.
And that brings us to...
Hmm.
Sounds pretty important.
Sounds pretty proactive there,
Tom.
So what does it look like?
Well...
Timeouts,
privileges,
removal,
consequences without the teaching component.
That's what punishment instead of teaching looks like.
It's all in reactive.
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You would never play baseball in a game and go,
well,
I'm going to teach you how to throw and catch and throw and know the rules.
That's what practice and scrimmages are all for before you go live
into the grocery store.
So why it exasperates.
Well,
you always sound cool.
It's the best.
And I'm going to say,
Bonnie,
could you show the one from...
James Allen.
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What did he quote here?
He says, 'Circumstance does not make the man,
it reveals him to himself.
You see,
punishment reveals what you think of them.
Not what they're capable of.
Punishment makes the child feel like everything I do is wrong.
It's not okay to be me.
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I'm unworthy.
I can't do anything right.
And then we start seeing the feelings of unworthiness come out in their behavior.
They become the class clown.
You know what I mean?
Yes.
And before we cover what the Bible actually says,
I'm going to go ahead and...
One of my favorites,
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at least the top 100 on my list,
is Einstein.
Because he says very straight up,
you can't solve the problem with the same consciousness that created it.
Right.
So if you're listening to this,
and you're like, 'No,
they need to be punished,' that's because that's your beliefs.
Like,
and I just want to point out a belief is only a thought.
thought over again and over and over until it becomes a branch in your mind.
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We call it a neural pathway.
We call it a belief.
But just because the whole world has believed in this lie does not
turn the lie into truth.
So what does the Bible actually say,
Bonnie?
What was it again?
I remember it was 321-something.
Yes,
Colossians 3:21 says, 'Fathers,
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do not embitter your children,
or they will become discouraged.
And gosh,
like,
hopefully...
By now,
in the last 10 to 13 minutes,
you've had an aha moment.
When we redirect,
calm,
validate their emotions without showing,
and we punish them without instruction,
we create discouragement.
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And I definitely saw that in my kids.
Yeah.
We violated the sacred code called 'monkey see,
monkey do.' You see,
we're creating the anger.
Then punishing them for being angry.
Right.
Definition of insanity.
And can you wrap up here today with that Proverbs 15 one,
Bonnie?
A gentle answer turns away wrath,
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but a harsh word stirs up anger.
But we're using harsh methods and we're calling it gentle parenting.
It's a lie.
If you want to shift your results that you're having with your children,
parents,
you must change your consciousness first.
You must begin seeing your children as little genius spirits living
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in a physical body who have no idea how the world works.
They're only watching you.
They learn by watching you.
not what you tell them to do.
So we must transform our minds before expecting children to
transform their behavior.
Your children are the fruit of your root.
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And that's the truth.
James Allen says, 'As a man thinketh in his heart,
so is he.' What are you thinking about your child?
If you're enjoying our episodes,
please let us know by sharing it out with a friend who needs it.
Liking and subscribing to our podcast.
And of course,
(13:48):
visit us at learn to speak kid.
com.
And until we meet again,
here's to our parenting success.
Cheers,
everyone.
Bye for now.
Have you tried everything to get your kids to listen,
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And I'm here to let you know there is hope.
(14:10):
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