November 8, 2025 • 19 mins
Is your child labelled with ODD, DMDD, or simply "impossible to manage"? What if every meltdown, every hit, every lie is actually a desperate attempt to communicate something you're not hearing yet?
In this powerful episode of Learn to Speak Kid, Bonnie and Thomas Liotta reveal the life-changing truth that most parenting experts won't tell you: children cannot think abstractly until at least age 13, which means traditional discipline methods are fundamentally misguided.
Discover why your child hears "wah wah wah" when you explain consequences, how the "terrible twos" are actually your fault (not theirs), and the simple reframe that transforms defiant behavior into cooperation without medication, years of therapy, or harsh punishment.
You'll learn:
- Why telling your child "no" 400 times more than "yes" creates oppositional behavior
- What your child is REALLY saying when they hit, lie, or melt down
- The genius code of "monkey see, monkey do" that unlocks cooperation
- How to teach life skills instead of trying to control behavior
If you've tried every parenting book except Learn to Speak Kid, this episode will change everything. Stop seeing behavior problems—start seeing brilliant genius kids with limited life skills.
🎯 Ready to transform your home from chaos to cooperation? Visit learntospeakkid.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
A person's a person,
no matter how small.
Horton heard Whoville when no one else could.
Your kid is screaming,
melting down,
crying out.
Can you hear them?
Get over here because I said so.
Why do I have to keep repeating myself?
(00:20):
Mom or dad,
do you ever feel like a broken record?
Record,
record.
You're listening to Learn to Speak Kid podcast on iTunes with Bonnie and Thomas Leota,
positively transforming families one out of control child at a time.
(00:44):
Welcome to the Learn to Speak Kid podcast.
We are Bonnie and Thomas Leota.
Yes.
And we help transform the most defiant child behavior into healthy,
happy,
cooperative kids without mind-altering medication,
years of therapy,
or harsh punishment,
because we don't control children.
We teach them life skills.
(01:07):
So when your kid's in the middle of a meltdown,
screaming,
punching the wall,
doing something you don't like,
can you hear what they're really saying?
That is a beautiful question,
because if we could,
we would know exactly what to do,
false or true.
It certainly is life-changing awareness,
that's for sure.
(01:28):
You see,
when this bad behavior comes out and they're communicating in such a way,
what if you could see it this way?
Hey,
did you see how I mimicked?
Did you see how I did it?
Of course,
it's going to be wrong a lot of the time,
whatever it would be.
But the underlying thing is,
when can I have,
or when do I get a turn?
(01:49):
Yeah,
that's what they're really saying when they're having meltdowns.
So let's talk about this because I thought this was so powerful when you're like,
Bonnie,
like your kids can't see the world the same way you do.
And I think that's really hard,
especially if you have a 15-year-old who happens to be taller than you.
They look like an adult,
but they're really not an adult because they still can't see the
(02:13):
world through your eyes.
They might learn to speak the words you speak,
but they can't have your perspective because they don't have your life experience.
And when you taught me,
like your kids can't think abstractly,
I was like,
Oh my God,
we've been totally directed in the wrong direction when it comes to being a parent.
(02:35):
Because first of all,
don't we start telling our kids,
no,
we don't do that?
And then your toddler goes,
no,
I won't do that.
And then we go,
that's disrespectful; you don't talk to me that way.
And then we end up in this cycle of parenting hell instead of parenting heaven,
where we all dream to be,
(02:57):
right?
When you tell a kid no,
a staggering 400 times to the word yes.
And then this magical moment that they start to play monkey see,
monkey do; they repeat it back.
Get over here.
No.
All of a sudden,
they get labeled terrible twos.
And the truth is,
they developmentally don't have the capabilities to understand what no even means.
(03:24):
And if you're listening to this and you've read every single parenting book,
except for learn to speak kid,
and you've been taught to tell them no,
and you're just doing the gentle parenting thing that you've been taught to do,
the same people who write those parenting books.
Every other one,
except learn to speak,
kid,
knows that children until at least the age of 13 do not have the
(03:45):
capability to think abstract.
So when you're saying to your seven-year-old,
you can't go to your friend's house because you didn't do your homework,
why,
they're just seeing you as wah,
wah,
wah,
wah,
wah.
They have no concept or vision going on in their mind of what you want them to do.
Doesn't that explain a lot?
(04:08):
So they need you to,
number one,
show them this is the genius code called monkey see,
monkey do,
to guide them.
This is part of that genius code of follow the leader.
And the last one,
hear them; this is the Simon says game.
So,
when you put these three back into order,
every disorder falls right back into the natural sequence of how it
(04:32):
was designed to work.
Okay,
so they're not just learning when we send them to school.
Well,
see,
I've worked with countless kids in the school,
in the first martial art licensed daycare center.
And what's interesting is when the parents send the kids to the school,
the school already has a preconceived idea that you're going to
(04:55):
teach them all the life skills to sit down,
be quiet,
know exactly what to do,
and they're just going to get some order,
like teaching.
I told them to get their pencils out; they should do that.
You see,
that's not their job to teach them these,
but the parent on the other side.
This is through the interviews of talking to them (05:12):
why is it not working?
Well,
the teachers had an idea,
and this is after talking with literally hundreds of them.
They believe,
well,
isn't that what you're supposed to learn in school?
So it makes sense that they send them to school.
They think the teachers are going to do that,
and the teachers are already under the understanding that the
(05:34):
parents need to do this before they send them.
So,
when I was demanded to get an early childhood education degree,
I learned that that's exactly the fundamental steps because many
times in different cultures,
they don't even send a kid to a school until the age of seven,
because they develop all those skills prior to learning education.
(05:57):
That's the loophole.
What's funny about that,
as I just had a memory,
my mom's like,
she loves telling the story (06:01):
you could color perfectly,
and then I sent you to kindergarten and you started to scribble,
and it was so embarrassing for me.
I was like,
okay,
because I was five years old,
and what did I probably want to do more than color in that moment?
Like,
I probably wanted to go outside and play recess,
or be with a friend,
or look at those beautiful color blocks over there.
(06:24):
It wasn't that I couldn't color So there's like,
the kid doesn't know how to do something or they don't want to,
which we don't have time for in this particular episode,
because today's all about Orton Hears a Who,
hearing your kids,
seeing their little genius.
Which,
when you taught me to reframe how I look at kids,
(06:47):
because what's the number one belief we have?
Well,
they test boundaries.
My kid goes out of his way to annoy people on purpose.
They didn't hold the door open,
and it was so horrific at the mall the other day,
or sit properly in the chair,
sit up,
and we're safe.
Like I told my kid 15 times to sit up properly in a chair,
(07:11):
and until I saw you,
Tom,
take a chair,
sit in it,
and tell the kids this is how we sit in a chair.
You magnified what you were doing; you sat up straight,
you had your legs on the floor because,
why,
mom's whole goal that day was to be able to have everybody sit at
the dining room table together and have dinner,
(07:32):
which had never happened in their entire life.
So you did this chair demonstration,
and I saw the kids ages 4,
7,
and 13 come and sit straight up in a chair,
do a demonstration.
They got so much proactive attention that Mackenzie asked for you by
name for several years after that home visit when you took the time
(07:56):
to show them how to sit in a chair.
That's right.
So if we could just have a little jingle-jangle that sounds like this,
the I don't know has got to go.
And so parents,
when you find yourself in a position of I don't know what to do here,
but what if that could just go?
We're going to cover a couple practical understandings here in just a moment.
(08:17):
But what if there was a sacred game?
Because what is the prime thing that every offspring does to communicate,
and it sounds like this.
What is that,
Bonnie?
Well,
besides being the only language that we were born with,
the ability to cry—that's it.
So let's make that a game.
(08:37):
You see moms when they first get introduced to this.
We start to play name that cry and see.
I'll tell you what,
I have yet to find a mom out there that is so laser-sharp on this game.
It was called,
hang on a second,
that cry means change a diaper,
that cry means I can't reach my toy,
(08:57):
that cry means blank.
You knew it.
Why?
Because I have watched countless mothers,
literally thousands of them,
like you did in the last episode.
You do or the cook,
the chef,
the maid,
the chauffeur,
the whole thing.
Moms are exhausted by playing this game without duplication.
They do,
the kid rings the bell and cries,
(09:19):
and you go to do to do to do to do to do.
And what does,
when you know,
you get the answer right?
What happens to the cry?
Does it continue or go away?
It goes away.
I have to bring some awareness to this because we're in a world
right now that's not playing 'name that cry.' We're in a world right
now that says 'label that cry and so when Harley was a newborn baby,
(09:42):
Zane and Jenny were here,
and there was one night in particular,
she was about three weeks old,
and Jenny called me, 'I need you to come help me right now; she
won't stop crying.' And when I went in the room,
Zane was holding her,
you know how we hold a baby; we cradle a baby.
He was cradling her,
so she was looking up at the sky,
and he was cradling her and she was screaming ever so gently with love in his heart.
(10:07):
Right,
because they were doing all they knew to do.
Now,
without me knowing,
because I had raised five babies,
and so I had the life skill of how to deal with a newborn.
And I went in,
and all I did was flip her upside down.
I put her face down with my hand on her belly,
(10:28):
and I rocked her.
She instantaneously burped; she stopped crying.
I brought her downstairs; I couldn't cry.
She sat on the couch,
like at three weeks old.
She just sat on the couch and watched the movie with us for an hour and a half,
just blinking her little eyes,
perfectly content and happy.
But how often,
(10:49):
and this is the importance of life skills training,
none of us were born with instinct on how to raise a newborn.
So in today's world,
we would label that baby colic.
We would label that toddler ODD,
so now terrible twos have turned to ODD.
So we've got to turn name that label into name that cry with the
(11:12):
awareness that the cry actually means something.
They're not crying for no reason,
and you got really good at that game because you played it so well.
But that right there is the biggest turning point to this whole
initiative program that we are here to raise up champions for life.
(11:35):
If moms knew that,
don't do the puzzle for me when you name the cry; show me so you
never have to do it again.
That's the game changer.
Well,
if parents knew when their toddler was crying at the counter that
the toddler just wanted to be a part of what you were doing,
like you said earlier,
(11:56):
like see me,
right?
I want to be involved.
When we learn to see their cry as a communication tool and we validate,
oh,
I see you like playing with grandma's lip gloss.
I see you want to be at the counter cooking with me.
(12:16):
I see you want that cookie.
Let me show you how you can make the cookie happen.
You know,
we have a client that shared a video the other day,
and her little toddler came in and he was crying,
and she goes,
oh,
I see you're crying.
Oh,
you got an owie.
That happens to me too when I run around being silly.
(12:36):
And guess what?
The meltdown did go away.
It went away immediately.
Now we're being taught that we have to be our toddler,
our young child's emotional regulator because they can't regulate their emotions.
That is such a huge lie; that is a wolf in sheep's clothing leading
us straight to parenting hell.
The truth is the kid's crying for a reason (12:58):
I don't have the skills
to use the words to tell you what I want.
You need to figure it out.
Don't get on my eye level and lecture me about it; get on my level.
Remember the world when you were two; these little children are just
(13:18):
walking around with such innocence,
like in awe,
like I see a butterfly for the very first time.
I get to tie my shoe for the very first time,
I get to lay the blanket down on my bed and make my bed for the very first time,
I get to stir the pancake mix for the very first time.
Like that gives our little children confidence and a zest for life,
(13:40):
but we're too busy correcting their behavior that we are missing it.
You're so right,
Bonnie.
When you said I got to be their emotional regulator,
that makes as much sense as instead of fixing the car,
you just hire a tow truck to drive you around for the rest of your life,
like hello,
McFly,
is this thing on?
(14:01):
Now,
we're on your side,
mom and dad,
because you don't know that you don't know,
but if you did,
wouldn't learn to speak,
kid?
Let's just use imagination time.
What if this is the missing instruction manual that was missing when
the stork dropped off the kid?
Welcome to our world; welcome to our world of parenting paradise.
So let's play the game real quick.
(14:23):
Let's just give them examples of what a label or disorder is,
and I'll translate with the We get calls all the time from parents
of seven-year-olds who are throwing desks in the classroom or
beating their mom or a 14-year-old going in and out of jail; it's the same route.
(14:45):
The hitting usually begins in the toddler stages and becomes a habit.
This is how I get attention,
or this is how I'm going to show you that I'm not being seen by you.
So when a toddler hits you in the face,
which Harley has done to you,
what is she actually saying in that moment?
Because I've been taught to punish the toddler by dragging them to a timeout,
(15:07):
which doesn't teach them anything.
But what is the toddler actually saying in that moment?
What if it was as simple as,
I'm getting your attention the only way I know how?
And so you can't blame them for that because did it get your attention?
And the answer is yes.
But if you could reframe it,
so instead of that one,
I would share with Harley Faith because we've learned yes please and no thank you,
(15:32):
no thank you.
But then I would do something soft as a hit.
See,
a touch is a hit also by definition,
yes please.
So when she went to the actual cat and you hit the cat,
she's going to get scratched.
But if she comes up and touches it nicely,
then the cat purrs.
It's the same message with a better outcome,
(15:54):
right?
So how we end up with oppositional defiant disorder is the kid hits and the parent goes,
I won't let you hit.
And then we try to control their behavior in that moment with some
sort of negative discipline,
and then it magnifies the negativity.
The child never learns touch soft,
and they just carry that habit through life.
That's so true.
(16:14):
Let's cover lying,
Bonnie.
I would like to talk about that because I lied a lot as a kid,
and my mom used to tell me how much it broke her heart when I would lie to her.
But why did I lie?
Why do kids lie?
It's not because I was going out of the way.
It's not because I was going out of my way to hurt my mother; it was
because she didn't see me.
(16:36):
She never showed me what to do; she didn't believe in me.
So I would lie about things to not get in trouble.
Well,
you see,
when you told the truth and you got spanked,
yelled at,
insert whatever it is,
you know how to do.
But what if lying could translate to,
I don't feel safe here?
(16:57):
I have no other way to answer it correctly without getting a foot in my ass.
I'm scared of you; I'm scared of you.
So lying,
what's the opposite of lying?
Telling the truth.
So if they do lie,
then it's up to us to show them,
hey,
when something does happen,
you can tell me the truth and therefore we will use it as a learning
(17:23):
opportunity and show you what the good,
bad,
and the ugly options are,
which is the opposite of what everybody's been taught in the adult
world called consequences.
Wow Like this episode is literally life transformational,
as I believe every episode is,
because we're going from the negative to the positive.
(17:44):
We've just learned that if we come in and punish the meltdown,
punish the hitting,
punish the lying,
it's just going to continue because the child doesn't have the
ability to think abstract,
and they can't go,
oh,
I'm getting in trouble; I shouldn't hit; so that means I should touch soft.
There's just no way for them to put those two ideas together unless
(18:04):
you consciously show them.
So I encourage you parents,
stop seeing behavior problems; start seeing brilliant genius kids
with limited life schools.
Our job,
our role,
is to prepare them for life.
The communication is a person's a person no matter how small.
(18:28):
When your child cries or melts down,
do you see their genius?
Are you modeling what you want them to do?
That is the question,
so true.
And if we're left with one powerful key takeaway,
what if behavior is a language?
Then we could actually learn to listen.
(18:49):
That would be life-changing.
So until we meet again,
here's to our parenting success.
Cheers,
everyone.
Bye for now.
Hey mom,
are you seeking help with your child's challenging behavior?
Are you ready for cooperation and fun?
Millions of families are living in chaos and overwhelm,
and I promise there is a better way.
(19:10):
I'm Bonnie Leota,
co-founder of Creating Champions for Life,
where we help families transform defiant behavior into healthy,
happy,
cooperative kids.
Let us help you begin a new empowering and joyful parenting journey
at learn to speak kid.
com,
so you can enjoy your children and have more fun as a mom.
A person's a person,
no matter how small.
Horton heard Whoville when no one else could.
Your kid is screaming,
melting down,
crying out.
Can you hear them?
Get over here because I said so.
Why do I have to keep repeating myself?
(00:20):
Mom or dad,
do you ever feel like a broken record?
Record,
record.
You're listening to Learn to Speak Kid podcast on iTunes with Bonnie and Thomas Leota,
positively transforming families one out of control child at a time.
(00:44):
Welcome to the Learn to Speak Kid podcast.
We are Bonnie and Thomas Leota.
Yes.
And we help transform the most defiant child behavior into healthy,
happy,
cooperative kids without mind-altering medication,
years of therapy,
or harsh punishment,
because we don't control children.
We teach them life skills.
(01:07):
So when your kid's in the middle of a meltdown,
screaming,
punching the wall,
doing something you don't like,
can you hear what they're really saying?
That is a beautiful question,
because if we could,
we would know exactly what to do,
false or true.
It certainly is life-changing awareness,
that's for sure.
(01:28):
You see,
when this bad behavior comes out and they're communicating in such a way,
what if you could see it this way?
Hey,
did you see how I mimicked?
Did you see how I did it?
Of course,
it's going to be wrong a lot of the time,
whatever it would be.
But the underlying thing is,
when can I have,
or when do I get a turn?
(01:49):
Yeah,
that's what they're really saying when they're having meltdowns.
So let's talk about this because I thought this was so powerful when you're like,
Bonnie,
like your kids can't see the world the same way you do.
And I think that's really hard,
especially if you have a 15-year-old who happens to be taller than you.
They look like an adult,
but they're really not an adult because they still can't see the
(02:13):
world through your eyes.
They might learn to speak the words you speak,
but they can't have your perspective because they don't have your life experience.
And when you taught me,
like your kids can't think abstractly,
I was like,
Oh my God,
we've been totally directed in the wrong direction when it comes to being a parent.
(02:35):
Because first of all,
don't we start telling our kids,
no,
we don't do that?
And then your toddler goes,
no,
I won't do that.
And then we go,
that's disrespectful; you don't talk to me that way.
And then we end up in this cycle of parenting hell instead of parenting heaven,
where we all dream to be,
(02:57):
right?
When you tell a kid no,
a staggering 400 times to the word yes.
And then this magical moment that they start to play monkey see,
monkey do; they repeat it back.
Get over here.
No.
All of a sudden,
they get labeled terrible twos.
And the truth is,
they developmentally don't have the capabilities to understand what no even means.
(03:24):
And if you're listening to this and you've read every single parenting book,
except for learn to speak kid,
and you've been taught to tell them no,
and you're just doing the gentle parenting thing that you've been taught to do,
the same people who write those parenting books.
Every other one,
except learn to speak,
kid,
knows that children until at least the age of 13 do not have the
(03:45):
capability to think abstract.
So when you're saying to your seven-year-old,
you can't go to your friend's house because you didn't do your homework,
why,
they're just seeing you as wah,
wah,
wah,
wah,
wah.
They have no concept or vision going on in their mind of what you want them to do.
Doesn't that explain a lot?
(04:08):
So they need you to,
number one,
show them this is the genius code called monkey see,
monkey do,
to guide them.
This is part of that genius code of follow the leader.
And the last one,
hear them; this is the Simon says game.
So,
when you put these three back into order,
every disorder falls right back into the natural sequence of how it
(04:32):
was designed to work.
Okay,
so they're not just learning when we send them to school.
Well,
see,
I've worked with countless kids in the school,
in the first martial art licensed daycare center.
And what's interesting is when the parents send the kids to the school,
the school already has a preconceived idea that you're going to
(04:55):
teach them all the life skills to sit down,
be quiet,
know exactly what to do,
and they're just going to get some order,
like teaching.
I told them to get their pencils out; they should do that.
You see,
that's not their job to teach them these,
but the parent on the other side.
This is through the interviews of talking to them (05:12):
why is it not working?
Well,
the teachers had an idea,
and this is after talking with literally hundreds of them.
They believe,
well,
isn't that what you're supposed to learn in school?
So it makes sense that they send them to school.
They think the teachers are going to do that,
and the teachers are already under the understanding that the
(05:34):
parents need to do this before they send them.
So,
when I was demanded to get an early childhood education degree,
I learned that that's exactly the fundamental steps because many
times in different cultures,
they don't even send a kid to a school until the age of seven,
because they develop all those skills prior to learning education.
(05:57):
That's the loophole.
What's funny about that,
as I just had a memory,
my mom's like,
she loves telling the story (06:01):
you could color perfectly,
and then I sent you to kindergarten and you started to scribble,
and it was so embarrassing for me.
I was like,
okay,
because I was five years old,
and what did I probably want to do more than color in that moment?
Like,
I probably wanted to go outside and play recess,
or be with a friend,
or look at those beautiful color blocks over there.
(06:24):
It wasn't that I couldn't color So there's like,
the kid doesn't know how to do something or they don't want to,
which we don't have time for in this particular episode,
because today's all about Orton Hears a Who,
hearing your kids,
seeing their little genius.
Which,
when you taught me to reframe how I look at kids,
(06:47):
because what's the number one belief we have?
Well,
they test boundaries.
My kid goes out of his way to annoy people on purpose.
They didn't hold the door open,
and it was so horrific at the mall the other day,
or sit properly in the chair,
sit up,
and we're safe.
Like I told my kid 15 times to sit up properly in a chair,
(07:11):
and until I saw you,
Tom,
take a chair,
sit in it,
and tell the kids this is how we sit in a chair.
You magnified what you were doing; you sat up straight,
you had your legs on the floor because,
why,
mom's whole goal that day was to be able to have everybody sit at
the dining room table together and have dinner,
(07:32):
which had never happened in their entire life.
So you did this chair demonstration,
and I saw the kids ages 4,
7,
and 13 come and sit straight up in a chair,
do a demonstration.
They got so much proactive attention that Mackenzie asked for you by
name for several years after that home visit when you took the time
(07:56):
to show them how to sit in a chair.
That's right.
So if we could just have a little jingle-jangle that sounds like this,
the I don't know has got to go.
And so parents,
when you find yourself in a position of I don't know what to do here,
but what if that could just go?
We're going to cover a couple practical understandings here in just a moment.
(08:17):
But what if there was a sacred game?
Because what is the prime thing that every offspring does to communicate,
and it sounds like this.
What is that,
Bonnie?
Well,
besides being the only language that we were born with,
the ability to cry—that's it.
So let's make that a game.
(08:37):
You see moms when they first get introduced to this.
We start to play name that cry and see.
I'll tell you what,
I have yet to find a mom out there that is so laser-sharp on this game.
It was called,
hang on a second,
that cry means change a diaper,
that cry means I can't reach my toy,
(08:57):
that cry means blank.
You knew it.
Why?
Because I have watched countless mothers,
literally thousands of them,
like you did in the last episode.
You do or the cook,
the chef,
the maid,
the chauffeur,
the whole thing.
Moms are exhausted by playing this game without duplication.
They do,
the kid rings the bell and cries,
(09:19):
and you go to do to do to do to do to do.
And what does,
when you know,
you get the answer right?
What happens to the cry?
Does it continue or go away?
It goes away.
I have to bring some awareness to this because we're in a world
right now that's not playing 'name that cry.' We're in a world right
now that says 'label that cry and so when Harley was a newborn baby,
(09:42):
Zane and Jenny were here,
and there was one night in particular,
she was about three weeks old,
and Jenny called me, 'I need you to come help me right now; she
won't stop crying.' And when I went in the room,
Zane was holding her,
you know how we hold a baby; we cradle a baby.
He was cradling her,
so she was looking up at the sky,
and he was cradling her and she was screaming ever so gently with love in his heart.
(10:07):
Right,
because they were doing all they knew to do.
Now,
without me knowing,
because I had raised five babies,
and so I had the life skill of how to deal with a newborn.
And I went in,
and all I did was flip her upside down.
I put her face down with my hand on her belly,
(10:28):
and I rocked her.
She instantaneously burped; she stopped crying.
I brought her downstairs; I couldn't cry.
She sat on the couch,
like at three weeks old.
She just sat on the couch and watched the movie with us for an hour and a half,
just blinking her little eyes,
perfectly content and happy.
But how often,
(10:49):
and this is the importance of life skills training,
none of us were born with instinct on how to raise a newborn.
So in today's world,
we would label that baby colic.
We would label that toddler ODD,
so now terrible twos have turned to ODD.
So we've got to turn name that label into name that cry with the
(11:12):
awareness that the cry actually means something.
They're not crying for no reason,
and you got really good at that game because you played it so well.
But that right there is the biggest turning point to this whole
initiative program that we are here to raise up champions for life.
(11:35):
If moms knew that,
don't do the puzzle for me when you name the cry; show me so you
never have to do it again.
That's the game changer.
Well,
if parents knew when their toddler was crying at the counter that
the toddler just wanted to be a part of what you were doing,
like you said earlier,
(11:56):
like see me,
right?
I want to be involved.
When we learn to see their cry as a communication tool and we validate,
oh,
I see you like playing with grandma's lip gloss.
I see you want to be at the counter cooking with me.
(12:16):
I see you want that cookie.
Let me show you how you can make the cookie happen.
You know,
we have a client that shared a video the other day,
and her little toddler came in and he was crying,
and she goes,
oh,
I see you're crying.
Oh,
you got an owie.
That happens to me too when I run around being silly.
(12:36):
And guess what?
The meltdown did go away.
It went away immediately.
Now we're being taught that we have to be our toddler,
our young child's emotional regulator because they can't regulate their emotions.
That is such a huge lie; that is a wolf in sheep's clothing leading
us straight to parenting hell.
The truth is the kid's crying for a reason (12:58):
I don't have the skills
to use the words to tell you what I want.
You need to figure it out.
Don't get on my eye level and lecture me about it; get on my level.
Remember the world when you were two; these little children are just
(13:18):
walking around with such innocence,
like in awe,
like I see a butterfly for the very first time.
I get to tie my shoe for the very first time,
I get to lay the blanket down on my bed and make my bed for the very first time,
I get to stir the pancake mix for the very first time.
Like that gives our little children confidence and a zest for life,
(13:40):
but we're too busy correcting their behavior that we are missing it.
You're so right,
Bonnie.
When you said I got to be their emotional regulator,
that makes as much sense as instead of fixing the car,
you just hire a tow truck to drive you around for the rest of your life,
like hello,
McFly,
is this thing on?
(14:01):
Now,
we're on your side,
mom and dad,
because you don't know that you don't know,
but if you did,
wouldn't learn to speak,
kid?
Let's just use imagination time.
What if this is the missing instruction manual that was missing when
the stork dropped off the kid?
Welcome to our world; welcome to our world of parenting paradise.
So let's play the game real quick.
(14:23):
Let's just give them examples of what a label or disorder is,
and I'll translate with the We get calls all the time from parents
of seven-year-olds who are throwing desks in the classroom or
beating their mom or a 14-year-old going in and out of jail; it's the same route.
(14:45):
The hitting usually begins in the toddler stages and becomes a habit.
This is how I get attention,
or this is how I'm going to show you that I'm not being seen by you.
So when a toddler hits you in the face,
which Harley has done to you,
what is she actually saying in that moment?
Because I've been taught to punish the toddler by dragging them to a timeout,
(15:07):
which doesn't teach them anything.
But what is the toddler actually saying in that moment?
What if it was as simple as,
I'm getting your attention the only way I know how?
And so you can't blame them for that because did it get your attention?
And the answer is yes.
But if you could reframe it,
so instead of that one,
I would share with Harley Faith because we've learned yes please and no thank you,
(15:32):
no thank you.
But then I would do something soft as a hit.
See,
a touch is a hit also by definition,
yes please.
So when she went to the actual cat and you hit the cat,
she's going to get scratched.
But if she comes up and touches it nicely,
then the cat purrs.
It's the same message with a better outcome,
(15:54):
right?
So how we end up with oppositional defiant disorder is the kid hits and the parent goes,
I won't let you hit.
And then we try to control their behavior in that moment with some
sort of negative discipline,
and then it magnifies the negativity.
The child never learns touch soft,
and they just carry that habit through life.
That's so true.
(16:14):
Let's cover lying,
Bonnie.
I would like to talk about that because I lied a lot as a kid,
and my mom used to tell me how much it broke her heart when I would lie to her.
But why did I lie?
Why do kids lie?
It's not because I was going out of the way.
It's not because I was going out of my way to hurt my mother; it was
because she didn't see me.
(16:36):
She never showed me what to do; she didn't believe in me.
So I would lie about things to not get in trouble.
Well,
you see,
when you told the truth and you got spanked,
yelled at,
insert whatever it is,
you know how to do.
But what if lying could translate to,
I don't feel safe here?
(16:57):
I have no other way to answer it correctly without getting a foot in my ass.
I'm scared of you; I'm scared of you.
So lying,
what's the opposite of lying?
Telling the truth.
So if they do lie,
then it's up to us to show them,
hey,
when something does happen,
you can tell me the truth and therefore we will use it as a learning
(17:23):
opportunity and show you what the good,
bad,
and the ugly options are,
which is the opposite of what everybody's been taught in the adult
world called consequences.
Wow Like this episode is literally life transformational,
as I believe every episode is,
because we're going from the negative to the positive.
(17:44):
We've just learned that if we come in and punish the meltdown,
punish the hitting,
punish the lying,
it's just going to continue because the child doesn't have the
ability to think abstract,
and they can't go,
oh,
I'm getting in trouble; I shouldn't hit; so that means I should touch soft.
There's just no way for them to put those two ideas together unless
(18:04):
you consciously show them.
So I encourage you parents,
stop seeing behavior problems; start seeing brilliant genius kids
with limited life schools.
Our job,
our role,
is to prepare them for life.
The communication is a person's a person no matter how small.
(18:28):
When your child cries or melts down,
do you see their genius?
Are you modeling what you want them to do?
That is the question,
so true.
And if we're left with one powerful key takeaway,
what if behavior is a language?
Then we could actually learn to listen.
(18:49):
That would be life-changing.
So until we meet again,
here's to our parenting success.
Cheers,
everyone.
Bye for now.
Hey mom,
are you seeking help with your child's challenging behavior?
Are you ready for cooperation and fun?
Millions of families are living in chaos and overwhelm,
and I promise there is a better way.
(19:10):
I'm Bonnie Leota,
co-founder of Creating Champions for Life,
where we help families transform defiant behavior into healthy,
happy,
cooperative kids.
Let us help you begin a new empowering and joyful parenting journey
at learn to speak kid.
com,
so you can enjoy your children and have more fun as a mom.
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