December 10, 2025 • 17 mins
What if every interaction with your child planted a seed that would grow into tomorrow’s behavior, beliefs, and relationship with you?
In this episode, Bonnie and Thomas Liotta use one unforgettable image—a child covered in red lipstick with the mirror and white carpet to match—to unpack the idea of “black seeds vs white seeds” in parenting. Black seeds are born from negative thoughts and feelings: anger, frustration, and the urge to control. White seeds grow from validation, leadership, and a commitment to teach life skills instead of just correcting behavior.
You’ll hear:
- How authoritarian, “positive,” and even many “gentle” parenting approaches still plant black seeds
- Why kids copy your lipstick, mannerisms, and habits—and what they’re really asking for when they do
- The difference between punishing a mess and using it as a chance to train missing life skills
- How to reframe tantrums, spills, and “bad behavior” as communication and opportunity
- The story of Pinocchio’s strings, free will, and what it reveals about our role as parents
If you’re exhausted from putting out fires, repeating yourself, and feeling like the “bad guy,” this conversation will help you shift from managing behavior to growing capable, confident, cooperative human beings—one white seed at a time.
Learn more and start your magical parenting journey at LearnToSpeakKid.com.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Picture it.
(00:00):
You walk into the room and there's your beautiful little darling
using your expensive lipstick all over the mirror,
all over the white carpet,
and all over their face.
How do you feel in this moment?
Be honest.
Because today we're going to talk about planting black seeds versus
white seeds and bringing awareness that every interaction you have
(00:21):
with your child plants something that will manifest later on.
Over here!
Because I said so!
Why do I have to keep repeating myself?
Mom or dad,
do you ever feel like a broken wrecker?
Wrecker.
Wrecker.
(00:44):
You're listening to Learn to Speak Kit podcast on iTunes with Bonnie and Thomas Leota,
positively transforming families one out-of-control child at a time.
Welcome to Learn to Speak Kid podcast.
This is Bonnie and...
Thomas Leota.
Yes.
And let's explain the metaphor,
(01:06):
black seeds,
white seeds.
You know,
when I picked...
your black seeds,
Tom,
I picture this really dark,
toxic,
cancerous looking tree bearing rotten fruit.
And when I think.
White seeds,
I think like,
I don't know,
like avatar,
that white,
beautiful,
flowy,
what do they call that tree?
(01:27):
Ewa.
Ewa was like their...
Deuity,
their goddess,
their connections to the other side.
Yes,
white,
light,
heavenly.
So let's talk about that.
Let's talk about authoritative parenting,
because,
of course,
if we go back before authoritative parenting,
to authoritarian parenting,
when,
if a child looked at their parent wrong,
(01:48):
they'd take them out back and beat them with a switch.
But,
you know,
that switched to positive discipline around the 1940s.
But I'm thinking there's some black seeds there.
You know,
if the Black Sea could be summed up in just two phases.
Negative thoughts?
Negative feelings.
And so,
if you find yourself in an authoritative type of position where you see,
(02:09):
smell,
taste,
touch,
hear something that you don't like.
And then you're doing something to the kid.
beating them into submission that they don't like.
There's no white seed there at all.
Would you get a compliance?
Sure.
Short-term win,
long-term loss,
but at the end of the day...
The fruit's gonna be...
what the black seed will produce.
Resentment,
Separation,
(02:30):
Dependence.
When really the kids are just looking for training to become
independent and launch out of the nest.
Yeah,
that's hilarious because all the adults in the world are trying to
give their children this fantasy childhood.
Just let them be kids.
No child left behind in a war.
For just showing up.
You know what I'm saying?
Trips all over the world that the kid doesn't have to even ask for,
(02:53):
plan or earn anything.
Then we wonder why they act up when the kids,
what do they actually want?
Did they ask for the trip to Disneyland?
Did they want to go on?
The cruise?
Or do they want to do grown-up things?
They want to be like you,
the little toddler playing with the lipstick,
(03:15):
not going out of their way to be bad.
But when we react with a,
I'm going to call it a black seed,
when we react with anger or we get annoyed or we get frustrated.
Like,
let me just ask.
Share in the comments what comes to mind first.
Are those black seeds going to produce black fruit or are they white seeds?
(03:37):
That are going to produce white fruit,
which is to me,
harmony,
teamwork,
love,
joy,
respect,
happiness.
And like the greatest feeling of all is like looking at your mom or
your dad as if they're there.
Your greatest hero in life versus got to hide it from mom because
(03:58):
she's always getting mad at me.
That's right.
So if we shift gears over to the white seed.
That would represent a positive thought.
I see a little genius who's just embracing her own uniqueness.
And a positive feeling.
That You're seeing them for the first time do it all by themselves
or they're stepping up going.
When do I get a turn?
(04:19):
Because at the end of the day,
that's what the whole game truly is.
Black and white.
And yes.
Even though people out there are kind of going,
well,
there's sometimes this,
that,
and the other.
Well,
that's called the gray section.
And...
I really wouldn't sign up for that game.
Yeah,
well,
right now we're just bringing awareness to this whole authoritative parenting.
We've put pretty names on them.
(04:41):
Gentle,
attached,
peaceful,
conscious.
parenting.
We put pretty names on it,
but I heard this one line one time and it was,
you can put lipstick on a pig,
but at the end of the day,
the pig's still a pig.
And so you can put the...
We're gentle on parenting,
but at the end of the day,
it's still authoritative control.
You make the rules,
you set the limits.
(05:01):
We talk boundaries and we control the child's behavior.
This is called planting a black seed.
And the one thing that I've lived through and I can guarantee is if
we're planting black seeds on a daily basis,
you're going to produce black fruit.
Even the Bible says you can't pick a fig from a thorn bush,
(05:23):
right?
You're going to reap what you sow,
parents.
And this is the best part.
It's like so empowering that you have all the control.
So let me show you exactly what I'm talking about.
So Tom,
when I first met you,
first of all,
I thought I was the greatest parent in the world because my kids
didn't want for anything.
And I was like a servant running from floor to floor.
(05:44):
My kids,
all the moms listening know what I'm talking about.
And what's funny about that,
and I just have to say this before I move on to the example,
is my daughter asked me the other day,
when we were little,
did you cook for us?
I'm taking a little bit of a pause there to actually take that thought.
I'm just breathing.
And I'm like,
Kira,
yeah.
And we went to the park almost every day.
(06:07):
And we went swimming and we did all these great things.
And what's funny is the kids are going to remember what they're going to remember.
So they're going to remember how you made them feel.
And I know that I plan.
Planted black seeds a lot.
And that's how they grew up,
kind of remembering those black seeds.
Because here's what I would do when my kid pulled out red lipstick.
(06:27):
Oh my God,
what did you just do?
Ah,
this is going to be a terrible mess to clean up.
It probably won't even come out of the carpet.
Do you know how expensive this is?
Go to your room right now.
Right.
How did you feel?
But more importantly,
the kid's going to go tell you straight up.
Well,
I wanted to be pretty,
(06:47):
too.
They were monkey-see,
monkey-doing,
and somehow...
Mimicking what you think is amazing.
Your leader.
The one that's going to show you how the world works.
Is criticizing,
condemning,
and complaining.
With negative thoughts and negative feelings.
And we wonder why...
We stop coming to you and we start to lie,
(07:11):
cheat,
and steal.
Well,
yes,
exactly.
So let me show you the difference.
After meeting you and learning Creating Champions for Life,
I would be like...
Oh,
you want to wear makeup just like mommy does.
And so what did I just do that?
Just that little moment,
Tom.
You validated.
You saw a little genius embracing their own uniqueness playing monkey see,
(07:34):
monkey do.
Yes.
And I would see it as an opportunity to teach a life skill.
Yes.
Red lipstick on a red carpet.
It's probably not the happiest thing.
However,
are we raising a carpet or are we raising a tiny little human being?
Who needs you to show them how the world works.
(07:56):
You see,
we've been taught to get on their level and lecture here.
We don't use mommy's makeup.
It's very expensive.
And the three or four year olds going.
Vroom.
Right over their head.
Right.
So,
moms,
if you've got a little kid that likes your lipstick,
like I go to the dollar store and I buy those clear lip seal things
(08:20):
for my granddaughter because she...
just loves lip gloss.
It's like her first word.
I love lip gloss.
I need my lip gloss.
So it's like these little things that they can do to be like you but
Harley has her lip gloss and mine,
especially my red lipstick,
is put into a special drawer and when it's not,
(08:41):
and she gets into it,
whose fault is that?
Thank you.
Really?
And so when we can say that I'm going to take full responsibility
and that we understand that there's a truth here,
that what if education came in many forms?
You see,
our kids are either going to be earning their own privileges,
and on the worst day...
(09:02):
It was a learning opportunity of a missing life skill,
or ingredient.
To be calm,
independent,
and that is what a white seed is truly all about.
Yeah.
A white seed is like so empowering.
It's love.
When your kid,
let me just say this too.
We talk a lot about two-year-olds because when parents come to us
(09:24):
with eight-year-olds,
10-year-olds,
15-year-olds who still have temper tantrums,
they might be physically 15,
but they're literally mentally too,
because we have been conditioned as parents,
like in the absolute wrong direction,
right?
We've been taught to follow our kids around and correct their
behavior in the moment.
Well,
if you're constantly putting out fires,
(09:46):
constantly correcting behavior with a little human being who has no idea how...
the world works,
has no idea the repercussions of red lipstick on the carpet,
then what we're doing is we're punishing them without actually taking...
the time to teach them.
So let's talk about what is our actual role is,
(10:09):
Tom.
You've worked with thousands of kids,
right?
Your after-school program,
your all-day summer camps,
your daycare.
You had thousands of these.
I'm using my fingers,
like,
quote, 'behavior,' unquote,
children,
and you had a reputation of fixing them.
But did you beat it out of them?
Did you punish them into submission?
(10:30):
Did you have to physically...
restrain them until you broke them like a wild stallion.
Well,
let's just keep it fun and simple.
That sounds like a black seed.
And what's the opposite of black seed?
called the white seat.
Yes,
you see.
The first and foremost is when you see these kids coming that are
, 'Hey there's something wrong with them need to whip them into shape and whatnot.
(10:50):
And I'm like, 'Huh.' Well,
there's only two reasons kids don't do something is because they
either don't know how or there's no internal motivation,
like they've never done it.
They don't know how.
They don't want to.
And so,
when there is a missing life skill,
it comes really,
really simple because you just start to think of,
well, 'If'—one person can do what another person can do.
(11:10):
What's the difference between the two?
Maybe no one ever took the time to show them how to tie their shoe.
As crazy as this sounds,
I showed them a hundred times.
Well,
have you ever talked somebody into walking?
No.
It's part of being able to mimic.
And go through the proper preparation for this.
And so that's what ended up happening was every time there was
(11:32):
something that the child didn't know.
Took the time to show them,
not tell,
but show,
and then they can mimic.
That was the key.
So Tom,
you use the example of tying shoes and I'm picturing like a
four-year-old with the tongue sticking out.
Well,
we've just replaced tying shoes with Velcro shoes.
We don't even have to teach them to tie their shoes anymore.
But when you do.
It takes like every bit of concentration the kid has,
(11:54):
right?
Tongue outside the mouth,
like tying a shoe is a life skill.
But I want to point out here that picking a toy up off the floor and
putting it right into the toy box is also a life skill.
Taking your socks off at the end of the day and putting them from
the floor into a laundry basket is a life skill.
(12:15):
And one that shocked me— like how many times...
you're like, 'Sit up straight in that chair or whatever,
right?' You're talking to teach them a lesson.
But when I saw you grab a chair and pull it into the living room,
because the mom's goal was that all the kids just sit at the table
to enjoy dinner together when we got there.
You pulled out a chair and said, 'This is how we sit in a chair.' If
(12:38):
we want to eat dinner and you sat in the chair and you had all of
them— the four-year-old,
the six-year-old,
and the 13-year-old—come and show you how to sit in the chair.
You were like back against,
you know,
shoulders straight,
sit straight up,
hands in lap.
This is how we sit in a chair.
So talk about that just for a minute before we wrap up today,
the importance of showing,
(12:58):
not telling.
Yeah,
monkey see,
monkey do,
so then you can play follow the leader before you jump into that
whole Simon Says game.
But when you first demonstrate...
Now they can see it.
Now,
when they know how to mimic,
all right,
now this is how I get a chance to sit over here at the table.
I'm not telling them what to do.
I'm showing what I have a goal to sit here and get that dinner that's amazing.
(13:21):
Right.
And this is what I do.
So therefore,
when they are,
but I'm hungry too.
I know.
Wouldn't it be fun?
Do you remember what I did?
Do you remember the chair?
Can you show me that?
You see,
what it does is it gives them a chance to come up on the chair.
And be able to go,
okay.
Pop quiz.
Where's your hands?
That's right.
Your hands are still.
(13:41):
You got that.
Back is what?
Curved or straight?
Straight.
And they get a chance to show these things all by themselves.
Like,
look at all the things I'm getting done correct.
And that's where the white seed gives all of its love.
Because you can nitpick a brand new car if you wanted to,
but why would you play that when you know what it produces?
Ooh,
look at that.
Looks like Ryan is now chair certified.
(14:04):
He knows exactly what to do to stay at the table and anything else means...
that I,
Ryan,
want to leave the table.
You see,
when the power's all in them to stay and go,
where does the threat...
takeaways,
the timeouts,
all this management,
which to me is exhausting.
(14:25):
Definitely.
It disappears.
So just to bring this into a close.
We all know the story of Pinocchio.
And when you look at the deeper meaning behind Pinocchio,
here's this little boy,
this little wooden boy,
and he's He's got strings.
He's a puppet.
And Geppetto can make him move and do and be whatever he wants
(14:47):
because he's got strings.
Is when the fairy comes in and she cuts off all of his strings and
she gives him what's called free will.
Been given free will as human beings.
And then we received this beautiful gift called Genius Offspring.
(15:07):
And it's our job to prepare these little geniuses for the world,
but then we put the strings on them.
We become their drill sergeant,
their enemy,
their controller.
So we want to encourage you here today,
cut the strings,
focus on missing life skills versus what punishment,
(15:28):
what hack,
what tactic you're going to use today to get your kids to comply like a puppet.
Named Pinocchio because,
when you watch him dance around,
I have no strings to hold me down.
It's beautiful.
It's beautiful.
And if we could see that,
that's the core of even us when we can go back to be five,
(15:48):
but our kids are saying, 'I too want to be like Pinocchio with no
more strings to hold me down.' Yeah.
Then everything's working right in the correct order.
The way it was designed.
Originally.
Yeah,
the children want to succeed.
They would love to please you.
Behavior is like,
see me.
(16:08):
Let me be like you.
And then we can prepare them on what to do.
So this week,
over the next few days,
what seeds are you planting?
When your kids do something you don't like,
what emotions arise?
Is it anger,
frustration,
annoyance,
or is it pure?
(16:28):
Love energy?
Is it through eyes that know you're just a little being with missing life skills?
And it's my job to show you,
to guide you,
to create an environment that is win for me and win for you.
Now on our next episode,
so make sure you actually follow us at Learn to Speak Kid Podcast so
(16:51):
you get a notification because we're going to talk about if your
boss treated you this way,
you'd quit,
but your child can't just quit their family and go find another one
that they like better.
So until we meet again,
here's to our parenting success.
Cheers,
everybody.
Bye for now.
Hey mom,
(17:11):
are you at a loss and feeling hopeless with a challenging child?
Are you ready for harmony and happiness?
I'm Bonnie Liotta,
co-founder of Creating Champions for Life.
Where we guide parents to transform even the most challenging child
behavior with principles that work.
We'll show you how to empower and inspire your children to choose
(17:31):
cooperation from the inside out.
Visit us at LearnToSpeakKid.
com and get started on a new magical parenting journey today.
Picture it.
You walk into the room and there's your beautiful little darling
using your expensive lipstick all over the mirror,
all over the white carpet,
and all over their face.
How do you feel in this moment?
Be honest.
Because today we're going to talk about planting black seeds versus
white seeds and bringing awareness that every interaction you have
with your child plants something that will manifest later on.
Over here!
Because I said so!
Why do I have to keep repeating myself?
Mom or dad,
do you ever feel like a broken wrecker?
Wrecker.
Wrecker.
You're listening to Learn to Speak Kit podcast on iTunes with Bonnie and Thomas Leota,
positively transforming families one out-of-control child at a time.
Welcome to Learn to Speak Kid podcast.
This is Bonnie and...
Thomas Leota.
Yes.
And let's explain the metaphor,
black seeds,
white seeds.
You know,
when I picked...
your black seeds,
Tom,
I picture this really dark,
toxic,
cancerous looking tree bearing rotten fruit.
And when I think.
White seeds,
I think like,
I don't know,
like avatar,
that white,
beautiful,
flowy,
what do they call that tree?
Ewa.
Ewa was like their...
Deuity,
their goddess,
their connections to the other side.
Yes,
white,
light,
heavenly.
So let's talk about that.
Let's talk about authoritative parenting,
because,
of course,
if we go back before authoritative parenting,
to authoritarian parenting,
when,
if a child looked at their parent wrong,
they'd take them out back and beat them with a switch.
But,
you know,
that switched to positive discipline around the 1940s.
But I'm thinking there's some black seeds there.
You know,
if the Black Sea could be summed up in just two phases.
Negative thoughts?
Negative feelings.
And so,
if you find yourself in an authoritative type of position where you see,
smell,
taste,
touch,
hear something that you don't like.
And then you're doing something to the kid.
beating them into submission that they don't like.
There's no white seed there at all.
Would you get a compliance?
Sure.
Short-term win,
long-term loss,
but at the end of the day...
The fruit's gonna be...
what the black seed will produce.
Resentment,
Separation,
Dependence.
When really the kids are just looking for training to become
independent and launch out of the nest.
Yeah,
that's hilarious because all the adults in the world are trying to
give their children this fantasy childhood.
Just let them be kids.
No child left behind in a war.
For just showing up.
You know what I'm saying?
Trips all over the world that the kid doesn't have to even ask for,
plan or earn anything.
Then we wonder why they act up when the kids,
what do they actually want?
Did they ask for the trip to Disneyland?
Did they want to go on?
The cruise?
Or do they want to do grown-up things?
They want to be like you,
the little toddler playing with the lipstick,
not going out of their way to be bad.
But when we react with a,
I'm going to call it a black seed,
when we react with anger or we get annoyed or we get frustrated.
Like,
let me just ask.
Share in the comments what comes to mind first.
Are those black seeds going to produce black fruit or are they white seeds?
That are going to produce white fruit,
which is to me,
harmony,
teamwork,
love,
joy,
respect,
happiness.
And like the greatest feeling of all is like looking at your mom or
your dad as if they're there.
Your greatest hero in life versus got to hide it from mom because
she's always getting mad at me.
That's right.
So if we shift gears over to the white seed.
That would represent a positive thought.
I see a little genius who's just embracing her own uniqueness.
And a positive feeling.
That You're seeing them for the first time do it all by themselves
or they're stepping up going.
When do I get a turn?
Because at the end of the day,
that's what the whole game truly is.
Black and white.
And yes.
Even though people out there are kind of going,
well,
there's sometimes this,
that,
and the other.
Well,
that's called the gray section.
And...
I really wouldn't sign up for that game.
Yeah,
well,
right now we're just bringing awareness to this whole authoritative parenting.
We've put pretty names on them.
Gentle,
attached,
peaceful,
conscious.
parenting.
We put pretty names on it,
but I heard this one line one time and it was,
you can put lipstick on a pig,
but at the end of the day,
the pig's still a pig.
And so you can put the...
We're gentle on parenting,
but at the end of the day,
it's still authoritative control.
You make the rules,
you set the limits.
We talk boundaries and we control the child's behavior.
This is called planting a black seed.
And the one thing that I've lived through and I can guarantee is if
we're planting black seeds on a daily basis,
you're going to produce black fruit.
Even the Bible says you can't pick a fig from a thorn bush,
right?
You're going to reap what you sow,
parents.
And this is the best part.
It's like so empowering that you have all the control.
So let me show you exactly what I'm talking about.
So Tom,
when I first met you,
first of all,
I thought I was the greatest parent in the world because my kids
didn't want for anything.
And I was like a servant running from floor to floor.
My kids,
all the moms listening know what I'm talking about.
And what's funny about that,
and I just have to say this before I move on to the example,
is my daughter asked me the other day,
when we were little,
did you cook for us?
I'm taking a little bit of a pause there to actually take that thought.
I'm just breathing.
And I'm like,
Kira,
yeah.
And we went to the park almost every day.
And we went swimming and we did all these great things.
And what's funny is the kids are going to remember what they're going to remember.
So they're going to remember how you made them feel.
And I know that I plan.
Planted black seeds a lot.
And that's how they grew up,
kind of remembering those black seeds.
Because here's what I would do when my kid pulled out red lipstick.
Oh my God,
what did you just do?
Ah,
this is going to be a terrible mess to clean up.
It probably won't even come out of the carpet.
Do you know how expensive this is?
Go to your room right now.
Right.
How did you feel?
But more importantly,
the kid's going to go tell you straight up.
Well,
I wanted to be pretty,
too.
They were monkey-see,
monkey-doing,
and somehow...
Mimicking what you think is amazing.
Your leader.
The one that's going to show you how the world works.
Is criticizing,
condemning,
and complaining.
With negative thoughts and negative feelings.
And we wonder why...
We stop coming to you and we start to lie,
cheat,
and steal.
Well,
yes,
exactly.
So let me show you the difference.
After meeting you and learning Creating Champions for Life,
I would be like...
Oh,
you want to wear makeup just like mommy does.
And so what did I just do that?
Just that little moment,
Tom.
You validated.
You saw a little genius embracing their own uniqueness playing monkey see,
monkey do.
Yes.
And I would see it as an opportunity to teach a life skill.
Yes.
Red lipstick on a red carpet.
It's probably not the happiest thing.
However,
are we raising a carpet or are we raising a tiny little human being?
Who needs you to show them how the world works.
You see,
we've been taught to get on their level and lecture here.
We don't use mommy's makeup.
It's very expensive.
And the three or four year olds going.
Vroom.
Right over their head.
Right.
So,
moms,
if you've got a little kid that likes your lipstick,
like I go to the dollar store and I buy those clear lip seal things
for my granddaughter because she...
just loves lip gloss.
It's like her first word.
I love lip gloss.
I need my lip gloss.
So it's like these little things that they can do to be like you but
Harley has her lip gloss and mine,
especially my red lipstick,
is put into a special drawer and when it's not,
and she gets into it,
whose fault is that?
Thank you.
Really?
And so when we can say that I'm going to take full responsibility
and that we understand that there's a truth here,
that what if education came in many forms?
You see,
our kids are either going to be earning their own privileges,
and on the worst day...
It was a learning opportunity of a missing life skill,
or ingredient.
To be calm,
independent,
and that is what a white seed is truly all about.
Yeah.
A white seed is like so empowering.
It's love.
When your kid,
let me just say this too.
We talk a lot about two-year-olds because when parents come to us
with eight-year-olds,
10-year-olds,
15-year-olds who still have temper tantrums,
they might be physically 15,
but they're literally mentally too,
because we have been conditioned as parents,
like in the absolute wrong direction,
right?
We've been taught to follow our kids around and correct their
behavior in the moment.
Well,
if you're constantly putting out fires,
constantly correcting behavior with a little human being who has no idea how...
the world works,
has no idea the repercussions of red lipstick on the carpet,
then what we're doing is we're punishing them without actually taking...
the time to teach them.
So let's talk about what is our actual role is,
Tom.
You've worked with thousands of kids,
right?
Your after-school program,
your all-day summer camps,
your daycare.
You had thousands of these.
I'm using my fingers,
like,
quote, 'behavior,' unquote,
children,
and you had a reputation of fixing them.
But did you beat it out of them?
Did you punish them into submission?
Did you have to physically...
restrain them until you broke them like a wild stallion.
Well,
let's just keep it fun and simple.
That sounds like a black seed.
And what's the opposite of black seed?
called the white seat.
Yes,
you see.
The first and foremost is when you see these kids coming that are
, 'Hey there's something wrong with them need to whip them into shape and whatnot.
And I'm like, 'Huh.' Well,
there's only two reasons kids don't do something is because they
either don't know how or there's no internal motivation,
like they've never done it.
They don't know how.
They don't want to.
And so,
when there is a missing life skill,
it comes really,
really simple because you just start to think of,
well, 'If'—one person can do what another person can do.
What's the difference between the two?
Maybe no one ever took the time to show them how to tie their shoe.
As crazy as this sounds,
I showed them a hundred times.
Well,
have you ever talked somebody into walking?
No.
It's part of being able to mimic.
And go through the proper preparation for this.
And so that's what ended up happening was every time there was
something that the child didn't know.
Took the time to show them,
not tell,
but show,
and then they can mimic.
That was the key.
So Tom,
you use the example of tying shoes and I'm picturing like a
four-year-old with the tongue sticking out.
Well,
we've just replaced tying shoes with Velcro shoes.
We don't even have to teach them to tie their shoes anymore.
But when you do.
It takes like every bit of concentration the kid has,
right?
Tongue outside the mouth,
like tying a shoe is a life skill.
But I want to point out here that picking a toy up off the floor and
putting it right into the toy box is also a life skill.
Taking your socks off at the end of the day and putting them from
the floor into a laundry basket is a life skill.
And one that shocked me— like how many times...
you're like, 'Sit up straight in that chair or whatever,
right?' You're talking to teach them a lesson.
But when I saw you grab a chair and pull it into the living room,
because the mom's goal was that all the kids just sit at the table
to enjoy dinner together when we got there.
You pulled out a chair and said, 'This is how we sit in a chair.' If
we want to eat dinner and you sat in the chair and you had all of
them— the four-year-old,
the six-year-old,
and the 13-year-old—come and show you how to sit in the chair.
You were like back against,
you know,
shoulders straight,
sit straight up,
hands in lap.
This is how we sit in a chair.
So talk about that just for a minute before we wrap up today,
the importance of showing,
not telling.
Yeah,
monkey see,
monkey do,
so then you can play follow the leader before you jump into that
whole Simon Says game.
But when you first demonstrate...
Now they can see it.
Now,
when they know how to mimic,
all right,
now this is how I get a chance to sit over here at the table.
I'm not telling them what to do.
I'm showing what I have a goal to sit here and get that dinner that's amazing.
Right.
And this is what I do.
So therefore,
when they are,
but I'm hungry too.
I know.
Wouldn't it be fun?
Do you remember what I did?
Do you remember the chair?
Can you show me that?
You see,
what it does is it gives them a chance to come up on the chair.
And be able to go,
okay.
Pop quiz.
Where's your hands?
That's right.
Your hands are still.
You got that.
Back is what?
Curved or straight?
Straight.
And they get a chance to show these things all by themselves.
Like,
look at all the things I'm getting done correct.
And that's where the white seed gives all of its love.
Because you can nitpick a brand new car if you wanted to,
but why would you play that when you know what it produces?
Ooh,
look at that.
Looks like Ryan is now chair certified.
He knows exactly what to do to stay at the table and anything else means...
that I,
Ryan,
want to leave the table.
You see,
when the power's all in them to stay and go,
where does the threat...
takeaways,
the timeouts,
all this management,
which to me is exhausting.
Definitely.
It disappears.
So just to bring this into a close.
We all know the story of Pinocchio.
And when you look at the deeper meaning behind Pinocchio,
here's this little boy,
this little wooden boy,
and he's He's got strings.
He's a puppet.
And Geppetto can make him move and do and be whatever he wants
because he's got strings.
Is when the fairy comes in and she cuts off all of his strings and
she gives him what's called free will.
Been given free will as human beings.
And then we received this beautiful gift called Genius Offspring.
And it's our job to prepare these little geniuses for the world,
but then we put the strings on them.
We become their drill sergeant,
their enemy,
their controller.
So we want to encourage you here today,
cut the strings,
focus on missing life skills versus what punishment,
what hack,
what tactic you're going to use today to get your kids to comply like a puppet.
Named Pinocchio because,
when you watch him dance around,
I have no strings to hold me down.
It's beautiful.
It's beautiful.
And if we could see that,
that's the core of even us when we can go back to be five,
but our kids are saying, 'I too want to be like Pinocchio with no
more strings to hold me down.' Yeah.
Then everything's working right in the correct order.
The way it was designed.
Originally.
Yeah,
the children want to succeed.
They would love to please you.
Behavior is like,
see me.
Let me be like you.
And then we can prepare them on what to do.
So this week,
over the next few days,
what seeds are you planting?
When your kids do something you don't like,
what emotions arise?
Is it anger,
frustration,
annoyance,
or is it pure?
Love energy?
Is it through eyes that know you're just a little being with missing life skills?
And it's my job to show you,
to guide you,
to create an environment that is win for me and win for you.
Now on our next episode,
so make sure you actually follow us at Learn to Speak Kid Podcast so
you get a notification because we're going to talk about if your
boss treated you this way,
you'd quit,
but your child can't just quit their family and go find another one
that they like better.
So until we meet again,
here's to our parenting success.
Cheers,
everybody.
Bye for now.
Hey mom,
are you at a loss and feeling hopeless with a challenging child?
Are you ready for harmony and happiness?
I'm Bonnie Liotta,
co-founder of Creating Champions for Life.
Where we guide parents to transform even the most challenging child
behavior with principles that work.
We'll show you how to empower and inspire your children to choose
cooperation from the inside out.
Visit us at LearnToSpeakKid.
com and get started on a new magical parenting journey today.
Picture it.
(00:00):
You walk into the room and there's your beautiful little darling
using your expensive lipstick all over the mirror,
all over the white carpet,
and all over their face.
How do you feel in this moment?
Be honest.
Because today we're going to talk about planting black seeds versus
white seeds and bringing awareness that every interaction you have
(00:21):
with your child plants something that will manifest later on.
Over here!
Because I said so!
Why do I have to keep repeating myself?
Mom or dad,
do you ever feel like a broken wrecker?
Wrecker.
Wrecker.
(00:44):
You're listening to Learn to Speak Kit podcast on iTunes with Bonnie and Thomas Leota,
positively transforming families one out-of-control child at a time.
Welcome to Learn to Speak Kid podcast.
This is Bonnie and...
Thomas Leota.
Yes.
And let's explain the metaphor,
(01:06):
black seeds,
white seeds.
You know,
when I picked...
your black seeds,
Tom,
I picture this really dark,
toxic,
cancerous looking tree bearing rotten fruit.
And when I think.
White seeds,
I think like,
I don't know,
like avatar,
that white,
beautiful,
flowy,
what do they call that tree?
(01:27):
Ewa.
Ewa was like their...
Deuity,
their goddess,
their connections to the other side.
Yes,
white,
light,
heavenly.
So let's talk about that.
Let's talk about authoritative parenting,
because,
of course,
if we go back before authoritative parenting,
to authoritarian parenting,
when,
if a child looked at their parent wrong,
(01:48):
they'd take them out back and beat them with a switch.
But,
you know,
that switched to positive discipline around the 1940s.
But I'm thinking there's some black seeds there.
You know,
if the Black Sea could be summed up in just two phases.
Negative thoughts?
Negative feelings.
And so,
if you find yourself in an authoritative type of position where you see,
(02:09):
smell,
taste,
touch,
hear something that you don't like.
And then you're doing something to the kid.
beating them into submission that they don't like.
There's no white seed there at all.
Would you get a compliance?
Sure.
Short-term win,
long-term loss,
but at the end of the day...
The fruit's gonna be...
what the black seed will produce.
Resentment,
Separation,
(02:30):
Dependence.
When really the kids are just looking for training to become
independent and launch out of the nest.
Yeah,
that's hilarious because all the adults in the world are trying to
give their children this fantasy childhood.
Just let them be kids.
No child left behind in a war.
For just showing up.
You know what I'm saying?
Trips all over the world that the kid doesn't have to even ask for,
(02:53):
plan or earn anything.
Then we wonder why they act up when the kids,
what do they actually want?
Did they ask for the trip to Disneyland?
Did they want to go on?
The cruise?
Or do they want to do grown-up things?
They want to be like you,
the little toddler playing with the lipstick,
(03:15):
not going out of their way to be bad.
But when we react with a,
I'm going to call it a black seed,
when we react with anger or we get annoyed or we get frustrated.
Like,
let me just ask.
Share in the comments what comes to mind first.
Are those black seeds going to produce black fruit or are they white seeds?
(03:37):
That are going to produce white fruit,
which is to me,
harmony,
teamwork,
love,
joy,
respect,
happiness.
And like the greatest feeling of all is like looking at your mom or
your dad as if they're there.
Your greatest hero in life versus got to hide it from mom because
(03:58):
she's always getting mad at me.
That's right.
So if we shift gears over to the white seed.
That would represent a positive thought.
I see a little genius who's just embracing her own uniqueness.
And a positive feeling.
That You're seeing them for the first time do it all by themselves
or they're stepping up going.
When do I get a turn?
(04:19):
Because at the end of the day,
that's what the whole game truly is.
Black and white.
And yes.
Even though people out there are kind of going,
well,
there's sometimes this,
that,
and the other.
Well,
that's called the gray section.
And...
I really wouldn't sign up for that game.
Yeah,
well,
right now we're just bringing awareness to this whole authoritative parenting.
We've put pretty names on them.
(04:41):
Gentle,
attached,
peaceful,
conscious.
parenting.
We put pretty names on it,
but I heard this one line one time and it was,
you can put lipstick on a pig,
but at the end of the day,
the pig's still a pig.
And so you can put the...
We're gentle on parenting,
but at the end of the day,
it's still authoritative control.
You make the rules,
you set the limits.
(05:01):
We talk boundaries and we control the child's behavior.
This is called planting a black seed.
And the one thing that I've lived through and I can guarantee is if
we're planting black seeds on a daily basis,
you're going to produce black fruit.
Even the Bible says you can't pick a fig from a thorn bush,
(05:23):
right?
You're going to reap what you sow,
parents.
And this is the best part.
It's like so empowering that you have all the control.
So let me show you exactly what I'm talking about.
So Tom,
when I first met you,
first of all,
I thought I was the greatest parent in the world because my kids
didn't want for anything.
And I was like a servant running from floor to floor.
(05:44):
My kids,
all the moms listening know what I'm talking about.
And what's funny about that,
and I just have to say this before I move on to the example,
is my daughter asked me the other day,
when we were little,
did you cook for us?
I'm taking a little bit of a pause there to actually take that thought.
I'm just breathing.
And I'm like,
Kira,
yeah.
And we went to the park almost every day.
(06:07):
And we went swimming and we did all these great things.
And what's funny is the kids are going to remember what they're going to remember.
So they're going to remember how you made them feel.
And I know that I plan.
Planted black seeds a lot.
And that's how they grew up,
kind of remembering those black seeds.
Because here's what I would do when my kid pulled out red lipstick.
(06:27):
Oh my God,
what did you just do?
Ah,
this is going to be a terrible mess to clean up.
It probably won't even come out of the carpet.
Do you know how expensive this is?
Go to your room right now.
Right.
How did you feel?
But more importantly,
the kid's going to go tell you straight up.
Well,
I wanted to be pretty,
(06:47):
too.
They were monkey-see,
monkey-doing,
and somehow...
Mimicking what you think is amazing.
Your leader.
The one that's going to show you how the world works.
Is criticizing,
condemning,
and complaining.
With negative thoughts and negative feelings.
And we wonder why...
We stop coming to you and we start to lie,
(07:11):
cheat,
and steal.
Well,
yes,
exactly.
So let me show you the difference.
After meeting you and learning Creating Champions for Life,
I would be like...
Oh,
you want to wear makeup just like mommy does.
And so what did I just do that?
Just that little moment,
Tom.
You validated.
You saw a little genius embracing their own uniqueness playing monkey see,
(07:34):
monkey do.
Yes.
And I would see it as an opportunity to teach a life skill.
Yes.
Red lipstick on a red carpet.
It's probably not the happiest thing.
However,
are we raising a carpet or are we raising a tiny little human being?
Who needs you to show them how the world works.
(07:56):
You see,
we've been taught to get on their level and lecture here.
We don't use mommy's makeup.
It's very expensive.
And the three or four year olds going.
Vroom.
Right over their head.
Right.
So,
moms,
if you've got a little kid that likes your lipstick,
like I go to the dollar store and I buy those clear lip seal things
(08:20):
for my granddaughter because she...
just loves lip gloss.
It's like her first word.
I love lip gloss.
I need my lip gloss.
So it's like these little things that they can do to be like you but
Harley has her lip gloss and mine,
especially my red lipstick,
is put into a special drawer and when it's not,
(08:41):
and she gets into it,
whose fault is that?
Thank you.
Really?
And so when we can say that I'm going to take full responsibility
and that we understand that there's a truth here,
that what if education came in many forms?
You see,
our kids are either going to be earning their own privileges,
and on the worst day...
(09:02):
It was a learning opportunity of a missing life skill,
or ingredient.
To be calm,
independent,
and that is what a white seed is truly all about.
Yeah.
A white seed is like so empowering.
It's love.
When your kid,
let me just say this too.
We talk a lot about two-year-olds because when parents come to us
(09:24):
with eight-year-olds,
10-year-olds,
15-year-olds who still have temper tantrums,
they might be physically 15,
but they're literally mentally too,
because we have been conditioned as parents,
like in the absolute wrong direction,
right?
We've been taught to follow our kids around and correct their
behavior in the moment.
Well,
if you're constantly putting out fires,
(09:46):
constantly correcting behavior with a little human being who has no idea how...
the world works,
has no idea the repercussions of red lipstick on the carpet,
then what we're doing is we're punishing them without actually taking...
the time to teach them.
So let's talk about what is our actual role is,
(10:09):
Tom.
You've worked with thousands of kids,
right?
Your after-school program,
your all-day summer camps,
your daycare.
You had thousands of these.
I'm using my fingers,
like,
quote, 'behavior,' unquote,
children,
and you had a reputation of fixing them.
But did you beat it out of them?
Did you punish them into submission?
(10:30):
Did you have to physically...
restrain them until you broke them like a wild stallion.
Well,
let's just keep it fun and simple.
That sounds like a black seed.
And what's the opposite of black seed?
called the white seat.
Yes,
you see.
The first and foremost is when you see these kids coming that are
, 'Hey there's something wrong with them need to whip them into shape and whatnot.
(10:50):
And I'm like, 'Huh.' Well,
there's only two reasons kids don't do something is because they
either don't know how or there's no internal motivation,
like they've never done it.
They don't know how.
They don't want to.
And so,
when there is a missing life skill,
it comes really,
really simple because you just start to think of,
well, 'If'—one person can do what another person can do.
(11:10):
What's the difference between the two?
Maybe no one ever took the time to show them how to tie their shoe.
As crazy as this sounds,
I showed them a hundred times.
Well,
have you ever talked somebody into walking?
No.
It's part of being able to mimic.
And go through the proper preparation for this.
And so that's what ended up happening was every time there was
(11:32):
something that the child didn't know.
Took the time to show them,
not tell,
but show,
and then they can mimic.
That was the key.
So Tom,
you use the example of tying shoes and I'm picturing like a
four-year-old with the tongue sticking out.
Well,
we've just replaced tying shoes with Velcro shoes.
We don't even have to teach them to tie their shoes anymore.
But when you do.
It takes like every bit of concentration the kid has,
(11:54):
right?
Tongue outside the mouth,
like tying a shoe is a life skill.
But I want to point out here that picking a toy up off the floor and
putting it right into the toy box is also a life skill.
Taking your socks off at the end of the day and putting them from
the floor into a laundry basket is a life skill.
(12:15):
And one that shocked me— like how many times...
you're like, 'Sit up straight in that chair or whatever,
right?' You're talking to teach them a lesson.
But when I saw you grab a chair and pull it into the living room,
because the mom's goal was that all the kids just sit at the table
to enjoy dinner together when we got there.
You pulled out a chair and said, 'This is how we sit in a chair.' If
(12:38):
we want to eat dinner and you sat in the chair and you had all of
them— the four-year-old,
the six-year-old,
and the 13-year-old—come and show you how to sit in the chair.
You were like back against,
you know,
shoulders straight,
sit straight up,
hands in lap.
This is how we sit in a chair.
So talk about that just for a minute before we wrap up today,
the importance of showing,
(12:58):
not telling.
Yeah,
monkey see,
monkey do,
so then you can play follow the leader before you jump into that
whole Simon Says game.
But when you first demonstrate...
Now they can see it.
Now,
when they know how to mimic,
all right,
now this is how I get a chance to sit over here at the table.
I'm not telling them what to do.
I'm showing what I have a goal to sit here and get that dinner that's amazing.
(13:21):
Right.
And this is what I do.
So therefore,
when they are,
but I'm hungry too.
I know.
Wouldn't it be fun?
Do you remember what I did?
Do you remember the chair?
Can you show me that?
You see,
what it does is it gives them a chance to come up on the chair.
And be able to go,
okay.
Pop quiz.
Where's your hands?
That's right.
Your hands are still.
(13:41):
You got that.
Back is what?
Curved or straight?
Straight.
And they get a chance to show these things all by themselves.
Like,
look at all the things I'm getting done correct.
And that's where the white seed gives all of its love.
Because you can nitpick a brand new car if you wanted to,
but why would you play that when you know what it produces?
Ooh,
look at that.
Looks like Ryan is now chair certified.
(14:04):
He knows exactly what to do to stay at the table and anything else means...
that I,
Ryan,
want to leave the table.
You see,
when the power's all in them to stay and go,
where does the threat...
takeaways,
the timeouts,
all this management,
which to me is exhausting.
(14:25):
Definitely.
It disappears.
So just to bring this into a close.
We all know the story of Pinocchio.
And when you look at the deeper meaning behind Pinocchio,
here's this little boy,
this little wooden boy,
and he's He's got strings.
He's a puppet.
And Geppetto can make him move and do and be whatever he wants
(14:47):
because he's got strings.
Is when the fairy comes in and she cuts off all of his strings and
she gives him what's called free will.
Been given free will as human beings.
And then we received this beautiful gift called Genius Offspring.
(15:07):
And it's our job to prepare these little geniuses for the world,
but then we put the strings on them.
We become their drill sergeant,
their enemy,
their controller.
So we want to encourage you here today,
cut the strings,
focus on missing life skills versus what punishment,
(15:28):
what hack,
what tactic you're going to use today to get your kids to comply like a puppet.
Named Pinocchio because,
when you watch him dance around,
I have no strings to hold me down.
It's beautiful.
It's beautiful.
And if we could see that,
that's the core of even us when we can go back to be five,
(15:48):
but our kids are saying, 'I too want to be like Pinocchio with no
more strings to hold me down.' Yeah.
Then everything's working right in the correct order.
The way it was designed.
Originally.
Yeah,
the children want to succeed.
They would love to please you.
Behavior is like,
see me.
(16:08):
Let me be like you.
And then we can prepare them on what to do.
So this week,
over the next few days,
what seeds are you planting?
When your kids do something you don't like,
what emotions arise?
Is it anger,
frustration,
annoyance,
or is it pure?
(16:28):
Love energy?
Is it through eyes that know you're just a little being with missing life skills?
And it's my job to show you,
to guide you,
to create an environment that is win for me and win for you.
Now on our next episode,
so make sure you actually follow us at Learn to Speak Kid Podcast so
(16:51):
you get a notification because we're going to talk about if your
boss treated you this way,
you'd quit,
but your child can't just quit their family and go find another one
that they like better.
So until we meet again,
here's to our parenting success.
Cheers,
everybody.
Bye for now.
Hey mom,
(17:11):
are you at a loss and feeling hopeless with a challenging child?
Are you ready for harmony and happiness?
I'm Bonnie Liotta,
co-founder of Creating Champions for Life.
Where we guide parents to transform even the most challenging child
behavior with principles that work.
We'll show you how to empower and inspire your children to choose
(17:31):
cooperation from the inside out.
Visit us at LearnToSpeakKid.
com and get started on a new magical parenting journey today.
Picture it.
You walk into the room and there's your beautiful little darling
using your expensive lipstick all over the mirror,
all over the white carpet,
and all over their face.
How do you feel in this moment?
Be honest.
Because today we're going to talk about planting black seeds versus
white seeds and bringing awareness that every interaction you have
with your child plants something that will manifest later on.
Over here!
Because I said so!
Why do I have to keep repeating myself?
Mom or dad,
do you ever feel like a broken wrecker?
Wrecker.
Wrecker.
You're listening to Learn to Speak Kit podcast on iTunes with Bonnie and Thomas Leota,
positively transforming families one out-of-control child at a time.
Welcome to Learn to Speak Kid podcast.
This is Bonnie and...
Thomas Leota.
Yes.
And let's explain the metaphor,
black seeds,
white seeds.
You know,
when I picked...
your black seeds,
Tom,
I picture this really dark,
toxic,
cancerous looking tree bearing rotten fruit.
And when I think.
White seeds,
I think like,
I don't know,
like avatar,
that white,
beautiful,
flowy,
what do they call that tree?
Ewa.
Ewa was like their...
Deuity,
their goddess,
their connections to the other side.
Yes,
white,
light,
heavenly.
So let's talk about that.
Let's talk about authoritative parenting,
because,
of course,
if we go back before authoritative parenting,
to authoritarian parenting,
when,
if a child looked at their parent wrong,
they'd take them out back and beat them with a switch.
But,
you know,
that switched to positive discipline around the 1940s.
But I'm thinking there's some black seeds there.
You know,
if the Black Sea could be summed up in just two phases.
Negative thoughts?
Negative feelings.
And so,
if you find yourself in an authoritative type of position where you see,
smell,
taste,
touch,
hear something that you don't like.
And then you're doing something to the kid.
beating them into submission that they don't like.
There's no white seed there at all.
Would you get a compliance?
Sure.
Short-term win,
long-term loss,
but at the end of the day...
The fruit's gonna be...
what the black seed will produce.
Resentment,
Separation,
Dependence.
When really the kids are just looking for training to become
independent and launch out of the nest.
Yeah,
that's hilarious because all the adults in the world are trying to
give their children this fantasy childhood.
Just let them be kids.
No child left behind in a war.
For just showing up.
You know what I'm saying?
Trips all over the world that the kid doesn't have to even ask for,
plan or earn anything.
Then we wonder why they act up when the kids,
what do they actually want?
Did they ask for the trip to Disneyland?
Did they want to go on?
The cruise?
Or do they want to do grown-up things?
They want to be like you,
the little toddler playing with the lipstick,
not going out of their way to be bad.
But when we react with a,
I'm going to call it a black seed,
when we react with anger or we get annoyed or we get frustrated.
Like,
let me just ask.
Share in the comments what comes to mind first.
Are those black seeds going to produce black fruit or are they white seeds?
That are going to produce white fruit,
which is to me,
harmony,
teamwork,
love,
joy,
respect,
happiness.
And like the greatest feeling of all is like looking at your mom or
your dad as if they're there.
Your greatest hero in life versus got to hide it from mom because
she's always getting mad at me.
That's right.
So if we shift gears over to the white seed.
That would represent a positive thought.
I see a little genius who's just embracing her own uniqueness.
And a positive feeling.
That You're seeing them for the first time do it all by themselves
or they're stepping up going.
When do I get a turn?
Because at the end of the day,
that's what the whole game truly is.
Black and white.
And yes.
Even though people out there are kind of going,
well,
there's sometimes this,
that,
and the other.
Well,
that's called the gray section.
And...
I really wouldn't sign up for that game.
Yeah,
well,
right now we're just bringing awareness to this whole authoritative parenting.
We've put pretty names on them.
Gentle,
attached,
peaceful,
conscious.
parenting.
We put pretty names on it,
but I heard this one line one time and it was,
you can put lipstick on a pig,
but at the end of the day,
the pig's still a pig.
And so you can put the...
We're gentle on parenting,
but at the end of the day,
it's still authoritative control.
You make the rules,
you set the limits.
We talk boundaries and we control the child's behavior.
This is called planting a black seed.
And the one thing that I've lived through and I can guarantee is if
we're planting black seeds on a daily basis,
you're going to produce black fruit.
Even the Bible says you can't pick a fig from a thorn bush,
right?
You're going to reap what you sow,
parents.
And this is the best part.
It's like so empowering that you have all the control.
So let me show you exactly what I'm talking about.
So Tom,
when I first met you,
first of all,
I thought I was the greatest parent in the world because my kids
didn't want for anything.
And I was like a servant running from floor to floor.
My kids,
all the moms listening know what I'm talking about.
And what's funny about that,
and I just have to say this before I move on to the example,
is my daughter asked me the other day,
when we were little,
did you cook for us?
I'm taking a little bit of a pause there to actually take that thought.
I'm just breathing.
And I'm like,
Kira,
yeah.
And we went to the park almost every day.
And we went swimming and we did all these great things.
And what's funny is the kids are going to remember what they're going to remember.
So they're going to remember how you made them feel.
And I know that I plan.
Planted black seeds a lot.
And that's how they grew up,
kind of remembering those black seeds.
Because here's what I would do when my kid pulled out red lipstick.
Oh my God,
what did you just do?
Ah,
this is going to be a terrible mess to clean up.
It probably won't even come out of the carpet.
Do you know how expensive this is?
Go to your room right now.
Right.
How did you feel?
But more importantly,
the kid's going to go tell you straight up.
Well,
I wanted to be pretty,
too.
They were monkey-see,
monkey-doing,
and somehow...
Mimicking what you think is amazing.
Your leader.
The one that's going to show you how the world works.
Is criticizing,
condemning,
and complaining.
With negative thoughts and negative feelings.
And we wonder why...
We stop coming to you and we start to lie,
cheat,
and steal.
Well,
yes,
exactly.
So let me show you the difference.
After meeting you and learning Creating Champions for Life,
I would be like...
Oh,
you want to wear makeup just like mommy does.
And so what did I just do that?
Just that little moment,
Tom.
You validated.
You saw a little genius embracing their own uniqueness playing monkey see,
monkey do.
Yes.
And I would see it as an opportunity to teach a life skill.
Yes.
Red lipstick on a red carpet.
It's probably not the happiest thing.
However,
are we raising a carpet or are we raising a tiny little human being?
Who needs you to show them how the world works.
You see,
we've been taught to get on their level and lecture here.
We don't use mommy's makeup.
It's very expensive.
And the three or four year olds going.
Vroom.
Right over their head.
Right.
So,
moms,
if you've got a little kid that likes your lipstick,
like I go to the dollar store and I buy those clear lip seal things
for my granddaughter because she...
just loves lip gloss.
It's like her first word.
I love lip gloss.
I need my lip gloss.
So it's like these little things that they can do to be like you but
Harley has her lip gloss and mine,
especially my red lipstick,
is put into a special drawer and when it's not,
and she gets into it,
whose fault is that?
Thank you.
Really?
And so when we can say that I'm going to take full responsibility
and that we understand that there's a truth here,
that what if education came in many forms?
You see,
our kids are either going to be earning their own privileges,
and on the worst day...
It was a learning opportunity of a missing life skill,
or ingredient.
To be calm,
independent,
and that is what a white seed is truly all about.
Yeah.
A white seed is like so empowering.
It's love.
When your kid,
let me just say this too.
We talk a lot about two-year-olds because when parents come to us
with eight-year-olds,
10-year-olds,
15-year-olds who still have temper tantrums,
they might be physically 15,
but they're literally mentally too,
because we have been conditioned as parents,
like in the absolute wrong direction,
right?
We've been taught to follow our kids around and correct their
behavior in the moment.
Well,
if you're constantly putting out fires,
constantly correcting behavior with a little human being who has no idea how...
the world works,
has no idea the repercussions of red lipstick on the carpet,
then what we're doing is we're punishing them without actually taking...
the time to teach them.
So let's talk about what is our actual role is,
Tom.
You've worked with thousands of kids,
right?
Your after-school program,
your all-day summer camps,
your daycare.
You had thousands of these.
I'm using my fingers,
like,
quote, 'behavior,' unquote,
children,
and you had a reputation of fixing them.
But did you beat it out of them?
Did you punish them into submission?
Did you have to physically...
restrain them until you broke them like a wild stallion.
Well,
let's just keep it fun and simple.
That sounds like a black seed.
And what's the opposite of black seed?
called the white seat.
Yes,
you see.
The first and foremost is when you see these kids coming that are
, 'Hey there's something wrong with them need to whip them into shape and whatnot.
And I'm like, 'Huh.' Well,
there's only two reasons kids don't do something is because they
either don't know how or there's no internal motivation,
like they've never done it.
They don't know how.
They don't want to.
And so,
when there is a missing life skill,
it comes really,
really simple because you just start to think of,
well, 'If'—one person can do what another person can do.
What's the difference between the two?
Maybe no one ever took the time to show them how to tie their shoe.
As crazy as this sounds,
I showed them a hundred times.
Well,
have you ever talked somebody into walking?
No.
It's part of being able to mimic.
And go through the proper preparation for this.
And so that's what ended up happening was every time there was
something that the child didn't know.
Took the time to show them,
not tell,
but show,
and then they can mimic.
That was the key.
So Tom,
you use the example of tying shoes and I'm picturing like a
four-year-old with the tongue sticking out.
Well,
we've just replaced tying shoes with Velcro shoes.
We don't even have to teach them to tie their shoes anymore.
But when you do.
It takes like every bit of concentration the kid has,
right?
Tongue outside the mouth,
like tying a shoe is a life skill.
But I want to point out here that picking a toy up off the floor and
putting it right into the toy box is also a life skill.
Taking your socks off at the end of the day and putting them from
the floor into a laundry basket is a life skill.
And one that shocked me— like how many times...
you're like, 'Sit up straight in that chair or whatever,
right?' You're talking to teach them a lesson.
But when I saw you grab a chair and pull it into the living room,
because the mom's goal was that all the kids just sit at the table
to enjoy dinner together when we got there.
You pulled out a chair and said, 'This is how we sit in a chair.' If
we want to eat dinner and you sat in the chair and you had all of
them— the four-year-old,
the six-year-old,
and the 13-year-old—come and show you how to sit in the chair.
You were like back against,
you know,
shoulders straight,
sit straight up,
hands in lap.
This is how we sit in a chair.
So talk about that just for a minute before we wrap up today,
the importance of showing,
not telling.
Yeah,
monkey see,
monkey do,
so then you can play follow the leader before you jump into that
whole Simon Says game.
But when you first demonstrate...
Now they can see it.
Now,
when they know how to mimic,
all right,
now this is how I get a chance to sit over here at the table.
I'm not telling them what to do.
I'm showing what I have a goal to sit here and get that dinner that's amazing.
Right.
And this is what I do.
So therefore,
when they are,
but I'm hungry too.
I know.
Wouldn't it be fun?
Do you remember what I did?
Do you remember the chair?
Can you show me that?
You see,
what it does is it gives them a chance to come up on the chair.
And be able to go,
okay.
Pop quiz.
Where's your hands?
That's right.
Your hands are still.
You got that.
Back is what?
Curved or straight?
Straight.
And they get a chance to show these things all by themselves.
Like,
look at all the things I'm getting done correct.
And that's where the white seed gives all of its love.
Because you can nitpick a brand new car if you wanted to,
but why would you play that when you know what it produces?
Ooh,
look at that.
Looks like Ryan is now chair certified.
He knows exactly what to do to stay at the table and anything else means...
that I,
Ryan,
want to leave the table.
You see,
when the power's all in them to stay and go,
where does the threat...
takeaways,
the timeouts,
all this management,
which to me is exhausting.
Definitely.
It disappears.
So just to bring this into a close.
We all know the story of Pinocchio.
And when you look at the deeper meaning behind Pinocchio,
here's this little boy,
this little wooden boy,
and he's He's got strings.
He's a puppet.
And Geppetto can make him move and do and be whatever he wants
because he's got strings.
Is when the fairy comes in and she cuts off all of his strings and
she gives him what's called free will.
Been given free will as human beings.
And then we received this beautiful gift called Genius Offspring.
And it's our job to prepare these little geniuses for the world,
but then we put the strings on them.
We become their drill sergeant,
their enemy,
their controller.
So we want to encourage you here today,
cut the strings,
focus on missing life skills versus what punishment,
what hack,
what tactic you're going to use today to get your kids to comply like a puppet.
Named Pinocchio because,
when you watch him dance around,
I have no strings to hold me down.
It's beautiful.
It's beautiful.
And if we could see that,
that's the core of even us when we can go back to be five,
but our kids are saying, 'I too want to be like Pinocchio with no
more strings to hold me down.' Yeah.
Then everything's working right in the correct order.
The way it was designed.
Originally.
Yeah,
the children want to succeed.
They would love to please you.
Behavior is like,
see me.
Let me be like you.
And then we can prepare them on what to do.
So this week,
over the next few days,
what seeds are you planting?
When your kids do something you don't like,
what emotions arise?
Is it anger,
frustration,
annoyance,
or is it pure?
Love energy?
Is it through eyes that know you're just a little being with missing life skills?
And it's my job to show you,
to guide you,
to create an environment that is win for me and win for you.
Now on our next episode,
so make sure you actually follow us at Learn to Speak Kid Podcast so
you get a notification because we're going to talk about if your
boss treated you this way,
you'd quit,
but your child can't just quit their family and go find another one
that they like better.
So until we meet again,
here's to our parenting success.
Cheers,
everybody.
Bye for now.
Hey mom,
are you at a loss and feeling hopeless with a challenging child?
Are you ready for harmony and happiness?
I'm Bonnie Liotta,
co-founder of Creating Champions for Life.
Where we guide parents to transform even the most challenging child
behavior with principles that work.
We'll show you how to empower and inspire your children to choose
cooperation from the inside out.
Visit us at LearnToSpeakKid.
com and get started on a new magical parenting journey today.
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