Stop Managing Child Behavior and Start Leading

Join Bonnie and Thomas Liotta as they reveal why traditional behavior management fails families and how to transform your parenting by teaching life skills instead. Learn the practical "Play-Clean-Sleep" framework that empowers children to develop responsibility naturally, without power struggles, rewards, or punishments. Perfect for parents tired of feeling like broken records who want cooperation from the inside out. If this episode resonates and you'd love to learn my click here. 

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Today we're going to be talking about stop managing child behavior
and start teaching life skills.
Get over here!
Because I said so.
Why do I have to keep repeating myself?
Mom or Dad,
do you ever feel like a broken record?

(00:24):
You're listening to Learn to Speak Kid podcast on iTunes with Bonnie and Thomas Liotta,
positively transforming families one out-of-control child at a to Speak Kid podcast,
we help parents transform the most defiant child behavior,

(00:46):
including oppositional defiant disorder,
DMDD,
and all other mood and behavior disorders,
without mind-altering medication,
years of therapy,
or harsh punishment.
And today we're going to be talking about stop managing child
behavior and start teaching life skills.
All right,
we are Bonnie and Thomas Liotta.
Yes,
and we're going to talk today about the trap of behavior management

(01:09):
versus authentic transformation.
Life skills matter the most,
and in what order should parents teach them?
Embedding life skills training into the flow of life,
not just lessons,
and correcting behavior when you catch your child doing something wrong.
So,
Thomas,
you've worked with thousands of kids in your afterschool program,

(01:32):
and it wasn't a martial arts school.
And these kids were getting kicked out of traditional.
daycares and being brought to you where the parents were like,
can you please fix my kid,
which you were able to do.
Then the kids were going back home to their parents who were stuck
in this cycle of behavior management.
I'm sure you've heard authoritative control.

(01:53):
When a toddler hits,
you're to grab them by the arm,
look at them authoritatively,
and say,
we don't do that.
I won't let you hit.
So what's wrong with that statement right there,
before we move into the next point?
Well,
Captain Obvious basically just comes out and goes,
we don't hit.
I just did.
How can you convince me that what I just did didn't exist?

(02:19):
Right?
They're like,
what are You talking about?
You know,
when I was in high school,
we used to have a battle cry at our high school pep assembly when
the football team was going to go play,
and they used to say,
let's get out there and fight,
fight,
fight!
But then in school,
they were like,
there's no fighting.
We don't fight!
You know that you know that annoying voice of the teacher that comes

(02:39):
in with that little finger?
There's no fighting!
We don't do this here.
And I'm like,
what part of smacking somebody in the face and telling them that you
love them at the exact same time sends a mixed message?
Like,
what's going on here?
Right?
Because,
like,
I'm a mom of four great kids.
I was successful in my life.

(02:59):
I was leading sales teams,
and I was coming home following authoritative parenting,
which we know today as gentle parenting,
except for gentle is like the gentle form of authoritative parenting.
It is so confusing.
But basically,
it all comes down to managing children,
trying to control your child.
In fact,
I've heard,
can't you just control your child?

(03:20):
Right?
And we think that we can set up rules and consequences,
rewards,
threats,
bribes,
takeaways,
and timeouts,
and somehow doing those things is going to positively affect our
child's behavior to the point where they just listen.
Now we get calls like by the hundreds.
We talk to parents every single day of our lives.

(03:41):
And the number one thing that they say when I say,
well,
what do you want more of?
Well,
I want my kids to cooperate.
I hate to say it,
but I kind of want cooperation,
or gosh,
it would be so nice if I could just give a direction and my kids
would just follow directions,
except for we're taught to speak in double negatives.

(04:01):
You can't have that because you didn't do this,
and we don't do that.

Let's fix the language right there (04:07):
and the idea that we can manage our children.
What can parents manage?
Right?
And as you said,
control.
Well,
control is an illusion.
You can't control the spirit.
I mean people break out of jail false or true Alcatraz the big can't get out of,
but they did.
So playing that game sets you up for You'll never win it.

(04:29):
So don't even step up to play.
That's first and foremost.
And the second part here is that when we do ask parents what would
you like to see more of,
if you can just wrap your head around it,
that we've been able to talk in double negatives and actually think
that we're answering the question.
So five plus five is not 11.
Is that a correct answer?

(04:50):
And the answer is yes,
it is.
But would I graduate?
The answer is no.
So talking in double negatives is sending a message to them of
something that You see that you smell,
taste,
touch,
hear that you don't like.
And you're talking,
can't,
don't.
When really this little genius is looking at you going,
just show me what I can do.
So in this case,

(05:10):
we end up playing a game of opposites with the parents.
I want,
I want no more hitting,
no hitting.
Okay,
so you would like more hugs?
Yeah,
that's what I want.
It's that first approach that when we start to shift to what you do
want versus what you don't,
that's the difference between healing and living in pain and numbing it out,

(05:34):
thinking that you can make it through the day.
Yeah,
well,
this is a great conversation to have because how many kids lie to their.
parents or sneak things because they're constantly being told what not to do,
constantly being told they can't have something.
So they sneak it behind your back.
Like this whole conversation about,

(05:55):
well,
I don't let my kid go on social media.
Do you think they're not going on social media,
parents?
Like they're going to find their first friend that has a phone and get on social media,
and they're going to do it behind your back.

(06:22):
Which means,

(06:54):
how do I get my kid to respect me?
Like what thoughts are going on in your mind right now?
Well,
this is what we would talk about as authoritarian parenting.
This is basically in a nutshell.
is don't do what I do but do as I say.
Authoritarian parenting without the beatings,
because in my mind,
authoritarian parenting is very harsh parenting.

(07:15):
And when a kid lies or breaks the rules,
we take him out back and beat him with a switch,
where authoritative parenting is more,
we're gonna talk things through.
And let's talk about that too.
We're gonna talk things through and I'm gonna explain to my child
why they can't have what's important to them.
And we think we're not traumatizing our kid.

(07:36):
So true.
So you spank them,
you grab their hand,
you smack it.
Don't do as I do but do as I say.
It still comes down to the same thing; however,
you.
wanna slice the It's a hypocrite in its purest form.
You hit them,
they can't hit you,
and as soon as they do,
you tell them no.
Do they have the same option?

(07:56):
See,
this is a jaded,
one-sided kind of a So when you barge into their,
let's just call it their shelter,
this is part of the three rights that we have.
We have food,
clothes,
and They've got a...
that's their house and training for the future when you really get the big picture.
So every time that there is a missing life skill,
here is that if you model,

(08:18):
see,
this is the sacred game called monkey see,
monkey do,
and when you wrap your head around that,
you're learning to speak kid.
So if you knocked on a door,
and they said not right now,
and you actually go,
oh,
I didn't actually plan when.
Now,
if it's an emergency,
house is on fire,
by all means,
barge it in.
That's called Captain Obvious.
But if you modeled knock knock knock,

(08:40):
not yet.
Oh,
okay.
Would that be in a few minutes,
or could you come out when you're ready?
Because the parent needs something.
And when you model what to do first,
then when you're on the phone,
you're talking to your friends,
and the kid has something that's so important to them,
that are coming to you as their big kid trusted advisor,

(09:01):
and they're knocking,
hey mom,
mom,
mom,
and you say not right now.
They actually have something.
to And that's what monkey see,
monkey do is all about.
So they can start to play follow the leader.
So if you can model waiting,
guess what?
They can start to do.
Yes,
okay,

(09:21):
I want to magnify this point because we're not just having a
conversation like this,
is everything.
We think we can grab our child by the arm and say I won't let you hit
and the kid is supposed to learn the lesson through the words we're speaking.
But what Tom's saying right now,
what I've seen,
witness of like walking on water moments,
oh my gosh,

(09:42):
magical moments,
is that all children have a genius champion inside,
and all children would love to please their parents,
which Means if you're listening right now and your child's been
whatever diagnosed with three behavior disorders and heavily
medicated for 10 years,
I promise you there's a little champion inside who would love to please you.

(10:06):
They're looking to be seen by you,
and they model everything you do.
So when something goes bad at work or whatever and we come home and
we're yelling and we slam a,
they're learning to yell and slam a.
When we bang on their door,
we gotta go right now,
and you're yelling at them and banging on their door,
they're learning yell and bang on a.

(10:28):
When you grab their arm,
say no,
we don't do that.
They're learning grab your arm.
We don't do that.
So we need to totally reframe how we look at children,
these little bratty beings.
In fact,
there's an expert out there; she calls herself the brat buster.
Okay,
like we need to transform how we look at kids from being these

(10:50):
bratty little beings who are going out of their way to test your
boundaries and somebody that you need to discipline and control to little beings,
little genius offspring who would love to please you,
who are going to learn tone,
actions,
reactions,
thought patterns,

(11:11):
beliefs,
everything from watching you.
And that's probably a pretty scary thought if you've been practicing
authoritative control.
all this time and you are now gonna pause and think about how do I even see my child?
Am I modeling the behavior that I wish for them to learn?

(11:31):
See,
respect isn't something that you can yell out of them.
Respect is something that is a two-way street that must be modeled
for them and shown exactly what it looks like.
So,
let's talk about what life skills matter the most.
How many times do we go to work with families and the five,
six,
seven,
eight-year-old is climbing on mom's head,

(11:54):
jumping around,
grabbing her by the shirt,
squeezing her arm,
like doing all sorts of things to get her attention and the parents going, 'no,
don't stop,
stop it And what really needs to happen there we start at zero and
add let's do step one.
You see part of attention is something that we must have,

(12:16):
and it trumps oxygen.
You see when an offspring is,
it gets no attention by definition.
If you're a non believer,
check it out; they will die.
So a child is no different than a big kid,
better known as an.
We will do anything and everything get our head above water.

(12:38):
False or true,
Bonnie?
Absolutely.
We will bite,
kick,
scratch,
claw,
whatever.
That's called survival.
Now,
how do we blame somebody for doing those things when they're just surviving?
And the short answer is you wouldn't.
That means we actually have the light.
switch on in our head.
So they must have attention,

(12:58):
and I've always loved this,

(14:00):
that we're talking about this.
I'm sure I'm not the only one.
Well,
it goes back to attention.
And can I just say something about the Brat Buster real quick?
This is on my head,
right?
Brat positive or Buster positive or absolutely negative?
Okay,
so that's like looking up in the phone book going,
well,
which one do I want to help me in my life,
dumb or dumber?

(14:20):
It's already done.
Okay,
that might click for someone later.
That's awesome.
So back to the situation you're in hand.
Attention,
it trumps oxygen.
Now,
if you are the be all,
do all from their eyes,
like they can't do anything.
Independent without you because you make them food,
you do this,
you get them clothes,
everything.

(14:40):
And that's how the game starts,
right?
Because it's a,
yeah.
So if I was the kid and parents out there,
take a moment,
close your eyes and see it from their perspective just for a,
this entity called mom and dad.
Let's just work with mom.
This is my be all,
do all.
And without her,
how well would I cease to exist?

(15:02):
Talking slim to none,
nor yes,
Bonnie.
Okay,
now that we got the stage set,
here comes this inanimate object that,
well,
they used to have this cord you could slam and it goes ding,
right?
Oh,
I miss those days.
Right?
Like you could just displace your.
anger right there.
Now,
you just have to hit the end button really hard.
And you feel so unsatisfied.
Okay,

(15:22):
so you pick up this phone and you're like,
hello?
And all of a this is like a Star Trek thing.
Boop boop,
intruder alert!
Intruder alert!
Boop!
I'm under attack!
I must save my life force.
I must do everything possible.
Remember that whole thing of getting your head above water?
And they'll just come right at you.

(15:44):
They'll hug the leg,
they'll tug,
they'll pull your hair,
they'll kick,
they'll bite.
Name it!
You've already experienced it.
You with me on this?
Say yes,
parents,
especially the moms.
Now,
if you knew what that behavior was,
would you?
ever look at it as misbehaving?
Well,
let's talk about what is that behavior and how do we stop it.

(16:05):
Okay,
short answer is no,
we wouldn't because they're in survival mode for I need to protect my life force.
Without you,
I die.
Got it?
Now you've got it.
Now what's the missing life skill?
This is called two kids,
one drinking fountain.

You can't drink at the same time (16:22):
A before B.
This then that.
That's the life skill.
It's called taking turns.
That's that knocking on the So what we do is we introduce the very
first life skill called permission or getting somebody's attention.
And what it looks like,

(16:43):
and this is what every kid that came to me,
everything.
Under the sun and labeled anything that the ABCs can come up with.
This is the first life skill that we taught in our program in the white belt program.
It's called an attention stance.
Now this is as unique as your thumbprint.
It can come in all shapes and forms.

(17:04):
And what it would be is if you stood,
you go,
you have to model it first.
Remember,
monkey see,
monkey do.
They'll model it.
You can't talk; put duct tape on if you have a problem with that.
And you stand at attention,
feet together,
hands at side,
and you use your eyes.
And you just look right at where their eyes are.

(17:24):
And you stand there.
Now you know and I know,
Bonnie,
that if somebody gets a little too close to you,
you can sense them false or true.
Oh yes,
you look over your shoulder like,
dude,
there's a lot of room in the subway.
Why you gotta stand right here?
Tom will come over,
and I'll be in the middle of something,
and he'll just stand there.
And I'm like,
yeah,
you can't help it.
So can I help you?

(17:47):
Yes,
attention stance.
So with that being said,
when you practice that first,
then you're actually in the Northeast Quadrant,
which is what Learn to Speak Kit is all about.
You're modeling how to get attention.
So now if you were to stand there,
they're playing with their blocks,
they're doing this,
they're doing that.
They're even in their room.
The knock is the attention.

(18:08):
They're standing there,
and they'll look at you.
Now you modeled for them.
So when they can mimic what you just did,
they would be able to.
And I think you should tell the story how Zach demonstrated that
when the kids were having a conversation at your network marketing thing.
He went back to go talk to all the parents,
and he had a conversation.
Yeah,
here's my kid.
But before you do,
they could come to you,

(18:28):
stand at attention while you're on the phone,
and I kid you not,
age is irrelevant.
They would wait until you got off the or until you said, 'Hang on just a moment,
my kid has a Take it away,
Bonnie,
share the story.
I gotta.
say we've had kids put notes underneath the door like I love you
underneath the door while mom's on the phone practicing this.

(18:51):
And when I experienced it,
yes,
with my six-year-old who had been diagnosed with ADHD and the most
severe case of oppositional defiant disorder the school psychologist had ever seen.
And after 30 days of practicing attention stance and self-control,
he was able to go to a networking meeting where he was walking
around the room shaking everybody's hands.
And at the last table they were in the middle of a conversation,

(19:12):
and he just stood there for almost 15 minutes until they
acknowledged him and he was able to say thank you so much for coming
and shook their hand just like awesome; like it was so life-changing
that that's why we're here today sharing this message.
And we might go a little bit long today because I think this is so powerful.
And before we move on to the third point of how we can embed life

(19:34):
skills into the flow of life,
I wanna talk about self-control and dedicate just a few minutes to
that because Jim Rohn once said self-control is the essence of life.
And parents,
you're being led by wolves in sheep's clothing right now if you've
ever heard that your child doesn't have the capability to manage their emotions.

(19:57):
So you have to be their emotional manager for the first I've heard
five years and I've also heard well the frontal cortex isn't
completely in place for 25 years which means what we have to be
there we have to cook clean drive made all of these things and now
we need to be the emotional control for our children.
Like I don't know when this happened but it's a.

(20:20):
So can you talk about what is self-control training?
You bet because once again the parents are out there having to pick between dumb.
Yeah Brat buster.
So self-control,
as you just put it in place,
the number one missing life skill that every single child who's been kicked out of every.
daycare has nowhere else to go.
And then that's why we were the first martial art daycare center licensed.

(20:43):
So these kids have a place to go for savior,
like they can learn.
It's called self-control.
Let me ask you a couple of quick questions here real quick just to
like lay down a foundation.
Can you deny that the body's moving when you see it move?
No.
So something is in control of this body and these actions,
false or true?
Now what it comes down to is when we ask the powerful question of

(21:06):
where's the three— there's three to everything,

like an atom (21:08):
proton,
electron,
neutron,
right?
And so with this being said,
something's making this happen.
Put it as a question mark.
I don't know what's going on.
That's a great place to start.
Ask,
where's the three?
When you ask,
you can receive.
So you've got one piece to the happening.
We'll call that one neutral because it's neither good nor bad.

(21:29):
Now it comes down to this little child,
this little genius offspring.
They're looking at the situation as they are in control of this body and these actions.
All that they're doing,
once again,
biting,
kicking,
scratching,
clawing.
I want to turn.
When do I get a chance to move this body?

(21:52):
And the missing thing is introducing that I am in control of my body and my actions.
Because when you can add all those three.
options you're speaking the truth and the truth will set us.
So test it,
parents,
something they are or I am in control of my body and my actions.

(22:14):
I mean,
you can actually look at that as that's absolute truth.
Now it's just a matter of rock,
paper,
or scissor.
They want to be.
I am.
You've been led to believe that you are,
but we can't deny something's happening and that's the game.
Yeah.
Awesome.
So I remember watching a Dr.
Phil episode one time and the mom and the kid were on the airplane

(22:36):
and they ended up in a power struggle and I think the kid slaps mom
across the face or something happens.
And the point is,
the whole argument is mom's going I'm in control of you.
And the kid's like 12.
I'm in control of you.
And he goes no,
I'm in control of me.
I am in control of me.
And they were fighting over who is in control of this little boy.

(22:58):
I promise you,
we have a two and a half year old granddaughter.
She is in control of her body and her actions.
There's no way that we could ever control a two year old.
It is a complete illusion.
And so when we actually get this,
this one thing will be completely life changing.
Now what you're missing,

(23:18):
more than likely,
is the motivator.
We're talking about motivation or education.
And we can't get into this too much today,
but we will get into it.
I'm just going to say If you're lavishing your kids with things,
I want a phone.
You buy them a phone.
I want a You buy them a I want that brand new jacket.
You buy them the jacket to make them happy or whatever.

(23:40):
We're killing their internal desire and their internal motivation.
So if you have a kid who doesn't seem to care,
we can talk about that,
but not today.
We're going to get into embedding life skills into the flow of life,
not just lessons.
Because so many parents,
like you're busy,
right?
You work full time.
You got soccer.
You got this,
that going on.
I don't have time for these life skills lessons.

(24:04):
But,
contrary to popular belief,
your child is learning all day.
long every single day whether you know it or not,
whether you like it or believe it or not.
It is happening because they learn by watching you.
Monkey see,
monkey do.
Right?
So when we're talking about embedding life skills training,
how does that look for a It looks so simple that we would be trained not to see it.

(24:32):
So there's a very simple life skill here is called modeling.
You've been taught that when they do something that you don't like
because the timing's off,
I want a cookie,
or whatever it is,
the timing's off.
But see,
they're modeling you.
So when you see a kid get into something of yours that they saw you do,

(24:53):
right?
Right then we can validate oh you found out where the cookies are
and you're showing me how you are ready to learn how to get a
They're mimicking you.
And this is number one that's missed.
So when you can see that,
now who's ready to learn a life skill and follow your leadership?

(25:16):
Say me!
You're representing all the parents out there.
Yes.
And when you can see that sacred little window that opens and closes
just like a camera shutter,
oh but if you could catch it,
you see everything can start as simple as this,
then that.

And I remember this number one (25:33):
how many of us can hold the vortex,
hold the line and say look,
when it's time to eat,
I as the adult,
the big kid,
the leader I wash my hands first before I sit at the Non-negotiable.
Well,
I want to sit too.
That's right.
What did I do?

(25:53):
Oh,
you missed it.
Let me do it again.
And they mimic.
Now they just got that neuroplasticity.
This is the neural pathway that's connected for them to actually
start following your leadership.
That's what's key.
Everything can be tied if you're willing to.
Now,
a really simple thing that you want to be able to do is you start
off with something like this.
It's called play clean sleep.

(26:15):
It's called a life cycle,
a cycle of life.
You're here to play the game called life.
You enter and you exit,
beginning and end.
It's a game and games have proper procedures in bounds,
out of bounds.

So let's do this (26:28):
pick anything that you see on the floor that you don't like.

(26:51):
In the shower.
And where do you go play?
See,
now when you're done playing,
what's the next step on the play clean sleep cycle?
When you're done playing,
you take a...
and then you go to...
and then you wake up and go play.
Please tell me where the confusion is in this,

(27:12):
other than we're making this way harder than it is.
Well,
the confusion is that we've been taught as parents that the kids can't do anything.
So the kids play,
they go to bed,
the parent comes in,
cleans everything up,
the kids wake up in fairy tale la la land in this clean.
house like the magic fairies came and did it,
and mom's exhausted when really what you're saying is every moment
is a life skills training moment.

(27:33):
And the faster that we duplicate,
we give the children opportunities to learn responsibility,
learn the life cycle of their toys,
learn the life cycle of their dish,
the better off everybody's going to be.
That's right.
Wow!
The classic I am in control of my body versus they are.
Now the play,
clean,
sleep.
Let's go back to the sock.
Keep it practical.

(27:54):
Mm hmm.
Right.
You see something you don't like.
How do you feel?
Annoyed.
Annoyed.
Yeah.

Translation (27:59):
positive,
negative.
Keep it simple.
I'm sure I used.
to speak to my kids feeling annoyed all the time too.
Oh yeah!
Non-stop.
They just thought they were annoying.
Yep.
Yes!
They'll just do it while you're there and when you're not,
they won't.
Very simple,
right?
Very predictable.
Mm hmm.

So let me ask you a quick question here (28:14):
Where does the sock play?
What part of your body?
That's right.
Then where does the sock go?
To take a I don't know.
Well,
where would I put it?
Do you see this little basket right here?
Uh huh.
That's called a laundry basket.

(28:34):
Oh,
and the sock actually washes itself in the bathtub called a...
Mm.
Yeah.
Now you have to play that thing because they already know this to be true because they.
play clean sleep bed play bath.
So it's already wired.
It's able to now connect.
So where does the sock sleep?

(28:56):
Would it be in the drawer or on the floor?
Look how smart you are!
Mm,
how beautiful is that.
Okay.
That's awesome.
That's pretty much all we have time for today.
I could talk to you all day long about this,
and we do.
We launch a new podcast every single day,
so go through our playlist if you want more.
Today,
we talked about getting out of the cycle of managing child behavior

(29:20):
and beginning the cycle of teaching life skills,
which you already are doing whether you like it or not.
Unfortunately,
we have been trained to teach them in a negative.
way We've been trained to explain in a very negative way why you
can't have what's important to you,
and children do not have the capability to think abstract.

(29:41):
All they hear is womp womp womp womp womp.
But they learn by monkey see,
monkey do.
They learn by watching you.
If you enjoyed today's episode,
please do share it with a friend,
a mom,
a dad in need of life skill training,
because you know what?
We didn't come out of the womb knowing how to parent a five-year-old or a 15-year-old,

(30:02):
right?
We're learning as we grow.
Stay tuned,
and until we meet again,
here's to our parenting success.
Cheers everyone!
Bye for now.
Have you tried everything to Get your kids to,
but nothing works.
Are you ready for more cooperation and fun?

(30:23):
As a,
I'm Bonnie Leota,
co-founder of Creating Champions for Life,
and I'm here to let you know there is hope.
We'll show you how to inspire your children to become cooperative
and happy from the inside out,
even if they've been diagnosed with a behavior disorder like ADHD or ODD.
Join the many parents already living in parenting paradise at learntospeakkid.

(30:44):
com,
and be the joy-filled,
happy parent you deserve to be.