November 24, 2025 • 14 mins
Discover why forbidding becomes forbidden fruit and how to transform your parenting approach from restriction to empowerment. In this episode, Bonnie and Thomas share practical examples of applying the "let them" principle—from a 2-year-old's lip gloss fascination to a 14-year-old's first bush party request. Learn how teaching life skills proactively (instead of baby-proofing and redirecting) builds neural pathways for focus, self-control, and responsibility. Find out why becoming your child's "big kid trusted advisor" creates cooperation, connection, and lasting relationships—even into adulthood. Want more? Click here.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
In our last episode,
we talked about parenting from love versus fear.
And today,
we're going to offer some practical application from two to 22
living in your basement.
Here's the radical idea (00:13):
let them do the grown-up things they crave.
Get over here.
Because I said so.
Why do I have to keep repeating myself?
Mom or Dad,
do you ever feel like a broken record?
(00:36):
You're listening to Learn to Speak Kid podcast on iTunes with Bonnie and Thomas Leota,
positively transforming families one out-of-control child at a time.
Welcome to the Learn to Speak Kid podcast.
We are Bonnie and Thomas Leota.
Yes.
And we help parents and educators transform the most defiant,
(01:00):
disruptive child behavior without mind altering medication,
years of therapy or harsh punishment.
And today's going to be life changing for you.
And I'm going to start with this,
Tom.
Mel Robbins has a let them theory.
Oh,
somebody wants to talk about you behind your back.
Let them,
right?
We're talking about let them do the grownup things that they crave.
(01:22):
And so I'm going to start with this.
We have a two year old granddaughter.
Named Harley faith.
And she loves lip gloss.
It's probably from grandma,
but I'm thinking mom also likes lip gloss quite a bit.
She just loves lip gloss.
Now,
traditionally we would say,
no,
stay out of my stuff.
That's expensive.
Get out of here.
We would redirect their behavior to something else.
(01:46):
We would baby-proof,
but Tom,
thank God you came into my life.
And you taught me the empowerment approach.
So how do we handle Harley's face lip gloss fetish?
That's right.
Well,
when we're done bubble wrapping the bubble wrap to a point where we
literally don't even know what we've been bubble wrapping,
(02:08):
right?
The empowerment phase comes into play,
and the approach is here.
Now we're going to use the word teach.
And when you understand,
teach is not talk.
It's the sacred game called monkey See monkey do.
So you actually show her how to use it perfectly,
not to your standards.
All you have to do is take the lip gloss and apply it while she is glued to you.
(02:33):
Her eyes are just locked on,
right?
And now to all the moms that are like,
Oh my gosh,
like my lip gloss is $45 from Sephora,
right?
I don't want to hand her my $45 lip gloss for sure.
But what do I do?
I save the empty one.
I buy Lipsol or what she thinks is lip gloss,
right?
Like chapstick or something like this.
(02:56):
It's clear.
So talk about that.
Okay,
I love how you mentioned that's $45.
Well,
part of education comes in many forms And you know,
when I know that there's always a little bit at the bottom of any container,
regardless of what it is.
And between me and you and the fence post over here,
(03:16):
lip gloss doesn't even have to get on her lips for in her world to
even know that she's doing it.
Correct.
So there's clue number one,
you save the last one,
you know,
the one that you won't scrape the bottom to get your last lip gloss.
Boom.
Done.
The empowerment part is that the result will be careful,
(03:36):
precise,
puts it away.
No sneaking needed.
And right now,
Harley Faith comes to us and she says lip gloss.
Yeah.
Well,
we have a secret stash of lip gloss in the car,
at my desk,
in her room because when I'm in there getting ready for my day,
what does she want to do?
(03:57):
She wants to get ready for her day.
They learn by watching you and the whole idea of you're getting into my stuff.
And if you don't put it away,
I'm dragging you to a time out.
Well,
that's what we talked about last episode,
which is a seed of anger,
a seed of resentment,
a seed of hate.
But the love seed would let her have an opportunity.
(04:20):
Now she's two and a half.
She's been putting lip gloss on for about the last year,
and so now,
like you said,
like she's so careful.
She puts it on like an adult It just goes on her lips and it's all
good because we gave her the opportunity to experience life.
That's just an example.
But every single other thing that your two year old,
five year old,
10 year old,
(04:41):
15 year old wants to get into has the same formula to it.
It's called preparing them.
So when we bring it to our principle-based parenting,
what you forbid becomes forbidden fruit.
You can't deny that this is going to happen.
And I hear all the voices in the moms and the dads out there too.
(05:01):
Well,
you can't just let them play with knives.
You can't let them do this.
Can't let them play with gas.
Yes,
this is called when and where.
This is later.
So let's apply it to the alphabet What we're talking about are some basic ABCs.
Those items would come much later,
like X,
Y,
or Z.
So you start where you want to start,
(05:22):
and that's the key.
Yeah,
like when they see you as their big kid,
trusted advisor,
somebody who's on their side,
somebody who sees their genius,
somebody who understands,
oh,
she's a tiny human being without life skills,
looking to maneuver and make her way through this world.
(05:45):
And when we hide things,
like you said,
baby-proof,
redirect,
we are literally stealing our children's window of growth opportunities.
And when they don't grow these neural pathways,
like what do you think putting lip gloss on teaches her at the age of two?
Do you think it might grow a neural pathway called focus,
(06:06):
attention,
self-control?
Self-control,
being precise.
I'm responsible to take the top off and put it back.
Plus,
she even knows where to put it back to sleep,
which was in the drawer where she found it in the first place.
So she's able to complete what is called a life cycle of play,
(06:26):
clean,
sleep.
Now,
these are the prime directive is to show them the missing life skills,
and that's what makes it so powerful.
Oh,
okay.
So then they're 14 now.
Oh,
all my friends are going to this bush party next Friday night.
Can I please go,
please,
please,
please.
I won't do anything wrong.
(06:47):
Well,
let's go ahead and plant the forbidden fruit seed over my dead body.
I know what goes on there (06:53):
sex,
drugs,
rock and roll.
No,
no,
no,
which really is sending the messages.
You're going to learn about this,
not from the adult.
That's the A word.
They're going to learn it from somebody else.
But when you can become their big kid trusted advisor and
proactively do the fire escape plan before the fire,
now you're back in empowerment mode versus punish.
(07:16):
Okay,
so I remember the first time Jenny was about 14 and she had this
exact scenario going on,
and we were all like,
well,
Tom,
you taught me.
I wouldn't have been as calm and cool.
I wouldn't have had,
like,
the let them theory,
like what we're talking about.
But I've seen it with my own eyes,
what actually happened.
So do you remember when Jenny asked to go to her first bush party?
(07:38):
Of course I do,
because I was anticipating that this is going to be showing up
sooner than later because we've already stepped into our role as big
kid trusted advisors.
And what we do is we validate it.
I would love for you to go.
Could I ask you some questions first?
And she always goes,
well,
okay.
So when is it?
(07:58):
Where is it at?
Who's going to be there?
But more importantly,
what other big kid trusted advisors are chaperoning?
And so I just made a quick little list.
And you said,
and get me the numbers of all the chaperones and I would love for you to go.
And she goes,
ah,
yeah,
forget it and it never came up again.
Like,
honestly,
that's how simple it was.
(08:19):
Life-changing,
simple.
And then when it became more of a desire from the inside out,
like I'm going to do this,
the missing life skill was she never knew how to go to get a phone
number from another parent.
So we role-played it Once that neuroplasticity was already connected,
she,
in a very short window of time,
(08:40):
was able to get the phone numbers and also introduce us to the other parents.
Therefore,
we could go ahead and be on the same side.
So we never had to play the,
oh my gosh,
if I would have known that,
I would have never let this happen.
It's called proactive versus reactive.
Yeah,
it's called empowering versus control,
(09:01):
which we can never control our kids because if we had just said no,
over my dead body,
she would have said I'm going to sleep at a friend's house and then
she probably would have went to the bush party without us even knowing.
So when we understand,
like the root of every child's actions is,
they're driven by curiosity.
They need to have life experiences to know how the world really works.
(09:23):
Their whole childhood,
they're just looking at these big heroes in their life.
I want to do what you're doing.
I want to be older.
I want to be mature.
I want freedom to be able to do these things.
And so the alternative to any type of punishment,
what's the formula,
Tom?
Well,
monkey see,
monkey do,
which is show them,
don't tell them or try to teach them because nobody was ever talked into walking,
(09:47):
driving a car,
or riding a bus.
It's called show.
Then you also got to believe Do I believe that my child has the
capacity to be all on their own when they leave the nest,
better known as somewhere between 16 to 22?
Matter of fact,
100 years ago,
they did it at age 13 when they were building their cabin in the back 40.
(10:07):
And what we do is we guide them.
We point out all the things that they did correct so we can add versus,
well,
yeah,
I guess you kind of missed this,
this,
this,
and this.
And when you tell somebody what they can't do,
it never really helps them understand what they can do because these
neural pathways were never connected.
Our children are not born with the ability to spin a web like a spider.
(10:31):
And when you understand that,
you would never buy into the idea that there's something wrong when
you either didn't know or were too lazy to actually do what was
required when you first engage in sacred energy exchange.
Yeah.
And what's coming to my mind right now is,
and we're going to talk about it more on the next episode,
but this whole mental health crisis and,
(10:52):
like I talked to parents who have been into the system of seeing doctors,
seeing therapists,
medicating their kids for like 10 years.
I talked to somebody the other day that was 12 years.
Now the kid's 16 and the therapists are finally going,
yeah,
we have no idea how to help you from here.
So you're on your own now.
I have no more suggestions.
Key word.
I have no more suggestions for you.
(11:14):
Right.
The blind leading the blind.
Okay.
So we're going to connect the dots.
Like when you parent with principles,
I'm talking biblical principles,
success principles,
the exact same principles that every human being who ever created anything uses,
and we use it in our parenting.
(11:36):
You can have a toddler who loves lip gloss to a teen that wants to go to a bush party,
and you can also use these principles with your young adult living in your basement.
If you still have an influence over their life,
if they still come to you and say,
Hey mom,
I need food,
I need money,
I need clothes,
can I drive the car?
(11:57):
If you still have an influence on their life,
there is still time to empower your child to heal the relationship,
to create some connection and some love when you empower them with
the let them theory versus when you forbid them because you're
trying to control them.
Your results are going to go from negative to positive,
(12:21):
and if you were to write down every single scenario,
every emotion,
every circumstance that you're dealing with right now in your home,
and you put them on a Richter scale of positive versus negative,
you can look and very clearly say,
Hmm,
negative.
And when we swing the pendulum over to the other side,
(12:42):
you'll experience love,
cooperation,
peace,
harmony,
connection,
friendship even.
And I'm telling you what,
moms,
thank God that Tom came into my life because I now have five adult
children who love me more than the son who phones me every day for advice,
(13:03):
who shares every little bit of their life with me.
When I have friends who are being alienated by their children
because of the control,
because they listen to the authoritative parenting experts and they
don't even know why their kids aren't talking to them anymore So the
challenge for you is identify one thing your child craves that
(13:26):
you're forbidding right now and how can you show them the life skill
and show them how they can do those things instead of restricting them.
And on the next episode,
how to break the cycle and what the $247 billion mental health crisis tells us.
Until we meet again,
(13:46):
here's to our parenting success.
Cheers,
everyone.
Bye for now.
Hey mom,
are you at a loss and feeling hopeless with a challenging child?
Are you ready for harmony and happiness?
I'm Bonnie Leota,
co-founder of Creating Champions for Life,
where we guide parents to transform even the most challenging child
(14:07):
behavior with principles that work.
We'll show you how to empower and inspire your children to choose
cooperation from the inside out.
Visit us at learn to speak kid.
com and get started on a new magical parenting journey today.
In our last episode,
we talked about parenting from love versus fear.
And today,
we're going to offer some practical application from two to 22
living in your basement.
Here's the radical idea (00:13):
let them do the grown-up things they crave.
Get over here.
Because I said so.
Why do I have to keep repeating myself?
Mom or Dad,
do you ever feel like a broken record?
(00:36):
You're listening to Learn to Speak Kid podcast on iTunes with Bonnie and Thomas Leota,
positively transforming families one out-of-control child at a time.
Welcome to the Learn to Speak Kid podcast.
We are Bonnie and Thomas Leota.
Yes.
And we help parents and educators transform the most defiant,
(01:00):
disruptive child behavior without mind altering medication,
years of therapy or harsh punishment.
And today's going to be life changing for you.
And I'm going to start with this,
Tom.
Mel Robbins has a let them theory.
Oh,
somebody wants to talk about you behind your back.
Let them,
right?
We're talking about let them do the grownup things that they crave.
(01:22):
And so I'm going to start with this.
We have a two year old granddaughter.
Named Harley faith.
And she loves lip gloss.
It's probably from grandma,
but I'm thinking mom also likes lip gloss quite a bit.
She just loves lip gloss.
Now,
traditionally we would say,
no,
stay out of my stuff.
That's expensive.
Get out of here.
We would redirect their behavior to something else.
(01:46):
We would baby-proof,
but Tom,
thank God you came into my life.
And you taught me the empowerment approach.
So how do we handle Harley's face lip gloss fetish?
That's right.
Well,
when we're done bubble wrapping the bubble wrap to a point where we
literally don't even know what we've been bubble wrapping,
(02:08):
right?
The empowerment phase comes into play,
and the approach is here.
Now we're going to use the word teach.
And when you understand,
teach is not talk.
It's the sacred game called monkey See monkey do.
So you actually show her how to use it perfectly,
not to your standards.
All you have to do is take the lip gloss and apply it while she is glued to you.
(02:33):
Her eyes are just locked on,
right?
And now to all the moms that are like,
Oh my gosh,
like my lip gloss is $45 from Sephora,
right?
I don't want to hand her my $45 lip gloss for sure.
But what do I do?
I save the empty one.
I buy Lipsol or what she thinks is lip gloss,
right?
Like chapstick or something like this.
(02:56):
It's clear.
So talk about that.
Okay,
I love how you mentioned that's $45.
Well,
part of education comes in many forms And you know,
when I know that there's always a little bit at the bottom of any container,
regardless of what it is.
And between me and you and the fence post over here,
(03:16):
lip gloss doesn't even have to get on her lips for in her world to
even know that she's doing it.
Correct.
So there's clue number one,
you save the last one,
you know,
the one that you won't scrape the bottom to get your last lip gloss.
Boom.
Done.
The empowerment part is that the result will be careful,
(03:36):
precise,
puts it away.
No sneaking needed.
And right now,
Harley Faith comes to us and she says lip gloss.
Yeah.
Well,
we have a secret stash of lip gloss in the car,
at my desk,
in her room because when I'm in there getting ready for my day,
what does she want to do?
(03:57):
She wants to get ready for her day.
They learn by watching you and the whole idea of you're getting into my stuff.
And if you don't put it away,
I'm dragging you to a time out.
Well,
that's what we talked about last episode,
which is a seed of anger,
a seed of resentment,
a seed of hate.
But the love seed would let her have an opportunity.
(04:20):
Now she's two and a half.
She's been putting lip gloss on for about the last year,
and so now,
like you said,
like she's so careful.
She puts it on like an adult It just goes on her lips and it's all
good because we gave her the opportunity to experience life.
That's just an example.
But every single other thing that your two year old,
five year old,
10 year old,
(04:41):
15 year old wants to get into has the same formula to it.
It's called preparing them.
So when we bring it to our principle-based parenting,
what you forbid becomes forbidden fruit.
You can't deny that this is going to happen.
And I hear all the voices in the moms and the dads out there too.
(05:01):
Well,
you can't just let them play with knives.
You can't let them do this.
Can't let them play with gas.
Yes,
this is called when and where.
This is later.
So let's apply it to the alphabet What we're talking about are some basic ABCs.
Those items would come much later,
like X,
Y,
or Z.
So you start where you want to start,
(05:22):
and that's the key.
Yeah,
like when they see you as their big kid,
trusted advisor,
somebody who's on their side,
somebody who sees their genius,
somebody who understands,
oh,
she's a tiny human being without life skills,
looking to maneuver and make her way through this world.
(05:45):
And when we hide things,
like you said,
baby-proof,
redirect,
we are literally stealing our children's window of growth opportunities.
And when they don't grow these neural pathways,
like what do you think putting lip gloss on teaches her at the age of two?
Do you think it might grow a neural pathway called focus,
(06:06):
attention,
self-control?
Self-control,
being precise.
I'm responsible to take the top off and put it back.
Plus,
she even knows where to put it back to sleep,
which was in the drawer where she found it in the first place.
So she's able to complete what is called a life cycle of play,
(06:26):
clean,
sleep.
Now,
these are the prime directive is to show them the missing life skills,
and that's what makes it so powerful.
Oh,
okay.
So then they're 14 now.
Oh,
all my friends are going to this bush party next Friday night.
Can I please go,
please,
please,
please.
I won't do anything wrong.
(06:47):
Well,
let's go ahead and plant the forbidden fruit seed over my dead body.
I know what goes on there (06:53):
sex,
drugs,
rock and roll.
No,
no,
no,
which really is sending the messages.
You're going to learn about this,
not from the adult.
That's the A word.
They're going to learn it from somebody else.
But when you can become their big kid trusted advisor and
proactively do the fire escape plan before the fire,
now you're back in empowerment mode versus punish.
(07:16):
Okay,
so I remember the first time Jenny was about 14 and she had this
exact scenario going on,
and we were all like,
well,
Tom,
you taught me.
I wouldn't have been as calm and cool.
I wouldn't have had,
like,
the let them theory,
like what we're talking about.
But I've seen it with my own eyes,
what actually happened.
So do you remember when Jenny asked to go to her first bush party?
(07:38):
Of course I do,
because I was anticipating that this is going to be showing up
sooner than later because we've already stepped into our role as big
kid trusted advisors.
And what we do is we validate it.
I would love for you to go.
Could I ask you some questions first?
And she always goes,
well,
okay.
So when is it?
(07:58):
Where is it at?
Who's going to be there?
But more importantly,
what other big kid trusted advisors are chaperoning?
And so I just made a quick little list.
And you said,
and get me the numbers of all the chaperones and I would love for you to go.
And she goes,
ah,
yeah,
forget it and it never came up again.
Like,
honestly,
that's how simple it was.
(08:19):
Life-changing,
simple.
And then when it became more of a desire from the inside out,
like I'm going to do this,
the missing life skill was she never knew how to go to get a phone
number from another parent.
So we role-played it Once that neuroplasticity was already connected,
she,
in a very short window of time,
(08:40):
was able to get the phone numbers and also introduce us to the other parents.
Therefore,
we could go ahead and be on the same side.
So we never had to play the,
oh my gosh,
if I would have known that,
I would have never let this happen.
It's called proactive versus reactive.
Yeah,
it's called empowering versus control,
(09:01):
which we can never control our kids because if we had just said no,
over my dead body,
she would have said I'm going to sleep at a friend's house and then
she probably would have went to the bush party without us even knowing.
So when we understand,
like the root of every child's actions is,
they're driven by curiosity.
They need to have life experiences to know how the world really works.
(09:23):
Their whole childhood,
they're just looking at these big heroes in their life.
I want to do what you're doing.
I want to be older.
I want to be mature.
I want freedom to be able to do these things.
And so the alternative to any type of punishment,
what's the formula,
Tom?
Well,
monkey see,
monkey do,
which is show them,
don't tell them or try to teach them because nobody was ever talked into walking,
(09:47):
driving a car,
or riding a bus.
It's called show.
Then you also got to believe Do I believe that my child has the
capacity to be all on their own when they leave the nest,
better known as somewhere between 16 to 22?
Matter of fact,
100 years ago,
they did it at age 13 when they were building their cabin in the back 40.
(10:07):
And what we do is we guide them.
We point out all the things that they did correct so we can add versus,
well,
yeah,
I guess you kind of missed this,
this,
this,
and this.
And when you tell somebody what they can't do,
it never really helps them understand what they can do because these
neural pathways were never connected.
Our children are not born with the ability to spin a web like a spider.
(10:31):
And when you understand that,
you would never buy into the idea that there's something wrong when
you either didn't know or were too lazy to actually do what was
required when you first engage in sacred energy exchange.
Yeah.
And what's coming to my mind right now is,
and we're going to talk about it more on the next episode,
but this whole mental health crisis and,
(10:52):
like I talked to parents who have been into the system of seeing doctors,
seeing therapists,
medicating their kids for like 10 years.
I talked to somebody the other day that was 12 years.
Now the kid's 16 and the therapists are finally going,
yeah,
we have no idea how to help you from here.
So you're on your own now.
I have no more suggestions.
Key word.
I have no more suggestions for you.
(11:14):
Right.
The blind leading the blind.
Okay.
So we're going to connect the dots.
Like when you parent with principles,
I'm talking biblical principles,
success principles,
the exact same principles that every human being who ever created anything uses,
and we use it in our parenting.
(11:36):
You can have a toddler who loves lip gloss to a teen that wants to go to a bush party,
and you can also use these principles with your young adult living in your basement.
If you still have an influence over their life,
if they still come to you and say,
Hey mom,
I need food,
I need money,
I need clothes,
can I drive the car?
(11:57):
If you still have an influence on their life,
there is still time to empower your child to heal the relationship,
to create some connection and some love when you empower them with
the let them theory versus when you forbid them because you're
trying to control them.
Your results are going to go from negative to positive,
(12:21):
and if you were to write down every single scenario,
every emotion,
every circumstance that you're dealing with right now in your home,
and you put them on a Richter scale of positive versus negative,
you can look and very clearly say,
Hmm,
negative.
And when we swing the pendulum over to the other side,
(12:42):
you'll experience love,
cooperation,
peace,
harmony,
connection,
friendship even.
And I'm telling you what,
moms,
thank God that Tom came into my life because I now have five adult
children who love me more than the son who phones me every day for advice,
(13:03):
who shares every little bit of their life with me.
When I have friends who are being alienated by their children
because of the control,
because they listen to the authoritative parenting experts and they
don't even know why their kids aren't talking to them anymore So the
challenge for you is identify one thing your child craves that
(13:26):
you're forbidding right now and how can you show them the life skill
and show them how they can do those things instead of restricting them.
And on the next episode,
how to break the cycle and what the $247 billion mental health crisis tells us.
Until we meet again,
(13:46):
here's to our parenting success.
Cheers,
everyone.
Bye for now.
Hey mom,
are you at a loss and feeling hopeless with a challenging child?
Are you ready for harmony and happiness?
I'm Bonnie Leota,
co-founder of Creating Champions for Life,
where we guide parents to transform even the most challenging child
(14:07):
behavior with principles that work.
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