October 3, 2025 • 21 mins
Bonnie & Thomas unpack why so many loving parents feel scared to set boundaries—and how to transition from a reactive “because I said so” or endless gentle negotiating approach to a proactive system where the environment (not the child) holds the authority. You’ll hear Bonnie’s raw story of ADHD/ODD meltdowns transformed into calm cooperation, the power of earned privileges (paycheck vs. allowance), and how structure and validation create confident, independent kids. Practical, hopeful, life-changing.
Begin your transformative journey here.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
So we're gonna talk about parenting and the fear that exists within
the hearts of today's parents when it comes to exercising authority.
Over here,
because I said so,
why do I have to keep repeating myself?
(00:21):
Mom or Dad,
do you ever feel like a broken record?
Listening to Learn to Speak Kit podcast on iTunes with Bonnie and Thomas Liotta,
positively transforming families one out of control child at atime.
(00:52):
We're gonna talk about parenting and the fear that exists within the
hearts of today's parents when it comes to exercising authority.
Now I totally get this because I had a son who,
by the time he was six and a half years old,
was diagnosed with ADHD and the worst case of oppositional defiant
(01:12):
disorder that the school psychologist had ever seen.
And this is probably about the 15th time I had been called to the classroom.
He'd been kicked out of one classroom and then another classroom.
And this one in particular was he used to have a teacher that would baby him,
kiss and coddle.
(01:32):
Yeah,
so kindergarten grade one,
she would baby him and she would like sharpen his pencil and make
sure he had everything,
and he was fine in her class.
And then she went off on maternity leave and the substitute teacher
comes in and refuses to sharpen Zach's.
And I mean this is the end.
of grade one You'd think at six almost seven years old the kid could
(01:54):
sharpen his own pencil,
especially when all I have to do is put the pencil in and it goes.
But she refused to sharpen his.
And so he stood up and screamed and literally threw the desk across,
wiped out a bunch of chairs,
and then continued to jump from desk to desk to desk out the door,
locked himself in the bathroom.
So the reason I'm sharing this story is because when you did
(02:17):
everything that he wanted you to do and everything was smooth and
easy and he got his own way,
everything was fine.
But the minute that I wanted to exercise authority,
like it's time for bed or anything that trying to follow a schedule
that's when you would see two,
three,
four hours screaming,
temper tantrums.
(02:38):
And of course,
I had three other kids.
So as long as everything was smooth and running good,
but if you call them on their stuff,
then there's the fear of the meltdown and of the power struggles and
of the end result which at that point in time I didn't think I had
any control over until I met you and discovered what I did have control over.
(02:59):
But what do you see?
You ran a martial arts afterschool program.
You literally had thousands of kids brought to your school.
You're after you're creating champions for life program.
because you developed a reputation for fixing kids,
these oppositionally defiant kids,
back in your day.
And so,
what is it that you're seeing when I talk about fear of exercising authority?
(03:21):
Hmm,
well,
when it happens now,
what?
Like the parent didn't know what to do.
It was kind of like,
yeah,
oh my God,
everyone's looking,
shocked!
I just can't see this.
Right?
Okay,
so embarrassment from their big one.
(03:42):
Competing with the Joneses,
everybody kind of like looking at what you're doing,
judging your parenting.
The avoidance or going,
I gotta make sure I got Bobby's little popsicle.
I gotta have a little Christina's notepad and markers and diggity.
diggity diggity Yeah.
And when you go to the beach,
you see the parent carrying 18,
(04:03):
000 things,
dump it all down and be like,
okay,
where's the meltdown?
Oh,
what's he doing?
And then bring it right.
It was almost like a living hell,
or imprisonment,
or a trap.
Yeah.
And then when you start going,
oh wait,
how do you fill a bottomless pit?
How do you keep giving and giving?
(04:25):
When you give an inch,
they seem to take a mile.
When does it end?
Yeah,
so we want to exercise authority.
We want to have boundaries.
And this whole gentle parenting,
like oh my gosh,
we've been taught somehow,
like only in the last couple decades though,
(04:45):
that toddlers do not have the ability.
to self-regulate their emotions.
Oh my gosh,
like I'm having an aha moment just talking this through with you.
This happens a lot during our episodes.
Okay,
so in the last couple decades,
it's like parents are being taught that you don't want to throw your child off the edge,
(05:07):
that you want to be their emotional guide or even be an extension of
your child's emotions,
because they don't have the ability to self-regulate yet.
So here's a statement (05:17):
It's like it's okay to have feelings,
little Timmy,
but it's just not okay to hit,
as if the toddler can understand what is even being said in the
words because we all know,
do your own due diligence.
That children do not have the ability to think abstract yet,
so they can't understand what you're saying from adult perspective
(05:39):
because they can only understand very logically what we want them to do.
So,
as a mom who raised four kids,
and at one time I had four kids under the age of six,
I understand the temper tantrums and the sibling rivalry,
and trying to come in and be there,
and walking around on eggshells for fear of how do we say it.
(06:00):
A fear of the lack of control of the outcome,
for fear of,
oh my gosh,
what's to come,
the feeling of being exhausted already dealing with these little children,
and now having to suffer the consequences.
(06:21):
of putting down authority.
But how important is it to have structure and authority as parents?
Oh,
it prepares them to be able to launch out of the.
Okay.
So what ends up happening is you start to see that,
huh,
how am I,
as the little genius offspring,
(06:41):
how am I learning how the world works for what I want?
Because I started crying,
got me my bottle,
shut me up.
Yes,
I cried,
I got my rattler,
I cried,
you changed my.
Pick me up,
put me down.
And then it just kept going to where if I just kept crying,
AKA meltdown,
whatever you wanna call it,
(07:02):
if I do that,
then what I want,
need,
or desire shows up.
And I keep getting reinforced because if I just keep doing it one.
minute one hour I'm being silly here one day but when you start seeing it,
if I kept doing this and then I got it to shut me up,
that's how the world works,
(07:23):
I guess.
So I get stuck in this,
I don't know any other way.
Yeah.
So what clicked one day in the after school,
and this is actually during the summer camp when I'd have anywhere
between 30 to 50 kids at any given time,
6 a m to 6 p m at night,
all day long.
Yeah.
And these kids would show that,
well,
I don't have.
And then just sit there like,
(07:44):
oh,
an overcompensator will come get it for you.
That's simple training.
Or if I whine,
I don't got it,
I need.
And it was if you gave,
you'd be like,
you can't,
this is not sustainable.
So what ended up happening one day,
it just clicked and we'd be like,
huh,
love for you to have something to drink.
We call that a...
Okay,
so now we're actually moving into what we can control.
(08:07):
Right?
Okay,
so we've gotta get rid of the fear of setting authority or setting
boundaries because children need structure and they need boundaries
because we have a role to do.
Yes,
and that is to prepare them for the world.
But see,
when I was a young mom before creating Champions for Life and all my
kids were being diagnosed with these behavior disorders,
(08:28):
I was walking around on eggshells,
and we're gonna do another episode where I'm gonna share.
my secret nightmare that I was living as a because I think there's
probably a lot of us out there doing the same thing.
But when you came into my life and you just talked about goals,
and first of all I was like,
oh my gosh,
you can parent with.
So what you did was you gave me power,
(08:51):
and that's what I'm hoping that the listeners of this show are going
to walk away completely empowered with (08:54):
hope that you can never control your child.
And this whole idea of trying to control them in a positive and
gentle way is a complete illusion and really setting us all up for
because it doesn't work; it'll never work.
But what we can put the control on is the environment that our
(09:16):
children are learning and growing in.
And so,
we've got to get away from this whole being the authority in a
reactive punishment mode.
Well,
this is where the fear comes into place because we know in our
hearts it's off the mark,
it's not godly,
it's not really positive; it's leading us to a dark and toxic nightmare in our.
(09:39):
But when we learn to set the authority proactively in the environment
and we learn to validate our child and show them what to do in order
to make the TV show up,
see,
TV is a privilege,
right?
The iPad is a playing on a cell phone,
is a having a cookie for dessert,
(10:00):
is a.
So right now,
we've been taught to use the TV as a distraction or as a babysitter,
and it's completely backfiring.
So now they get everything in the house for free.
We come in as the authority,
we take something away,
we get the big meltdown,
and that's what causes the fear.
Right?
Because now what?
Yeah,
(10:21):
exactly.
So what's the solution?
Let's see,
who's the maid,
who's the chauffeur,
who's the cook,
the cleaner,
the go getter?
Me,
me,
me,
me,
me,
me,
me,
me.
And if the mom's carrying all of these jobs and the child has none,
(10:41):
what part of Prince of Bel Air are we missing?
Except except they don't feel like a...
No,
they feel like a pawn in somebody else's game.
They have no life purpose or no responsibility.
no sense of self-worth.
I feel stuck.
We're the only way that I can make anything show up.
(11:04):
And in our terminology,
we call it the 'I cry I don't know how to do it by myself,
but if I cry,
somebody will do it for me.
Now this is key for me (11:15):
the environment in the house is somebody has
to do everything for me.
This is what the child's living in (11:24):
their own personal health.
All I got to do is cry,
and it shows up.
Now I'm not sure where that exists when you leave the nest,
but it doesn't prepare them.
No.
So it's kind of cute between zero and one because that's what you got to do for them.
But if you go past the age of two,
(11:45):
it's long overdue.
Yeah,
due for mode.
So what ends up happening now is we've got to,
instead of automatically doing four,
just to recognize a wind acronym wants,
needs,
and they want something.
We validate.
(12:06):
We call that a,
thank you for now.
At that critical window,
if they knew how to get it all on their own,
they would.
So this is where we got to take the time,
instead of just doing or saying no,
we got to show them how it shows up.
And that's the part that takes some time.
(12:26):
And that's part of the process.
But the first one is to not just get it for them or tell them no,
but they're ready to learn.
I want to be able to do it just like you.
They're going to look at you and go,
can I be like you?
Could I do what you?
Do one day?
Can I be all just like you do everything all by myself without you?
(12:49):
Yeah,
that's the secret relationship of mother to daughter,
father to son,
is to prepare them and transfer that knowledge that we have to them.
We're not to do all,
be all.
Okay,
that's got to go between zero and two.
So,
the fear-based negative authority we feel,
(13:11):
it's wrong for a,
and it's because we're doing it without any control.
Like we can't control it.
We all like to be in control of.
So,
what you're saying is,
and what is making a difference for families already all over the
world with Creating Champions for Life is,
we're taking the control off the child.
(13:31):
We're Putting it on the We're setting the stage that everything above food,
clothes,
and shelter is a privilege that the child can work towards.
So we don't have to come in reactive authority punishment mode,
go through five hours of temper tantrums,
but we can set the stage of I would love for you to watch TV,
play a video game,
(13:51):
have a cookie,
do what it is that you want to do.
That's called a goal.
So you're validating their want,
need,
or desire.
And the authority here in the environment is in the structure that's
being created with a master plan by not being the one to go yes or no,
you can have that.
By being the,
that shows the child what they need.
(14:12):
to do in order to make what it is they want show up.
And I need to say this too because I have been known to be an overcompensator.
Go figure!
We don't exactly know what the kids want.
Like I remember doing this when we took them to the fair in Snohomish.
(14:32):
Yeah,
the Puyallup Fair,
Puyallup Fair in Washington.
Now the old me would have controlled the whole situation.
I would have been responsible to buy the ride tickets,
buy their food,
and everything else.
And so we had set up the stage where about three or four weeks in
advance they knew that the Puyallup,
how do you say it,
Puyallup Fair.
(14:53):
We knew the fair was coming,
okay?
So we kind of drew out everything.
that there was to do at the fair,
the food that would be there,
you know,
gifts,
rides,
everything else.
And they had about four weeks to save a certain amount of money from
their weekly paycheck,
not allowance.
We're going to do another episode on what the difference is between
(15:13):
a paycheck and an allowance.
But they were getting their weekly paycheck.
They put aside some money for specifically to go to the fair.
So when we got there,
we all kind of paid our way in.
They sat and they huddled as four kids between the ages of,
I want to say,
eight and,
no,
maybe nine and 14 or 15,
(15:36):
somewhere in there.
And so they all sat around,
they made a master plan and they took off with this amount of.
And I assumed,
I assumed that they would have been on every single ride,
and/ or they would have bought like a bracelet that would allow them
to have multiple rides or whatever.
And anyways,
they completely shocked me.
They all showed up.
(15:56):
They had Puyallup Fair sweatshirts,
and they pooled their money for food,
whatever they wanted for food.
They pooled their money and shared,
and they had enough money to go on,
I don't know,
a ride or two.
So what they really wanted was a.
(16:18):
And I would have assumed that they wanted to go on all the rides,
and I would have my money on what I thought they might want.
And then at the end.
of the day when they wanted their sweatshirt,
I would have said no,
we already spent all of our money over here.
(16:38):
Now I've got to be the authority,
right,
and set down the law and deal with the meltdowns,
and they would have just been heartbroken and I wouldn't have had a clue.
But because I knew Creating Champions for Life and we set the
environment up in advance,
there was no mom,
mom,
mom,
can I have more,
(17:00):
mom do this,
do that.
There was nothing.
There was just complete cooperation.
They felt like little people,
right?
They had purpose,
they felt what it meant to have responsibility,
to be independent.
And I had the most peaceful day with the absolute best most
(17:20):
cooperative kids in the world.
Like it was just a beautiful experience.
And I'm so grateful to you,
Tom,
because you know I was on the positive parenting train and doing my
best to be that authority,
and I was the one that was walking on eggshells.
And now,
(17:41):
because I took the control off the kids,
put it on the environment,
and set the stage 100 in advance,
it's absolutely life-changing.
It has changed the direction of my kids' lives.
It has allowed us to be,
not that I want to be my kids' friends,
but I'm telling you what,
having a close,
connected relationship with all four of my young adult children is
(18:03):
the most amazing feeling.
In the world,
I'm so grateful.
I mean,
we have clients that,
like Sarah said,
I left the country at 23 and never went back.
I mean,
that's the last thing we want to experience as parents.
And I can see why we have the fear of being the,
(18:24):
because it does feel wrong in the heart.
But they do need structure,
they do need boundaries,
they do need to know what your expectations are,
and they are counting on us to show them how the world works and to,
like,
create a real-world environment,
which is what we did.
We allowed them to get a paycheck,
(18:45):
to save money,
to make a plan,
to spend the money on whatever they...
and they felt joy,
and I felt joy.
Just like a real life.
video game and lifetime experience of what I did.
We'll have to talk about the power of video games on another episode,
for sure.
But just to recap on the magic,
(19:07):
I got to get my own ticket to get in,
rather than relying on wine to get it.
I found something that was a sweatshirt that was like,
I'm not even able to describe it.
The colors,
the shape,
the size,
the feel— I found it.
(19:28):
Yes,
I made that happen.
I get to,
with my own money.
Yeah,
I got to choose which ride to go on.
And I ordered my own food,
rather than mom got me a bunch of stuff and said,
shut up and eat,
you little brat.
All that stuff was— if it is to be,
it's up to me.
(19:49):
I did it.
And that's the drug from the inside.
out that we owe a moral obligation for our kids to experience versus
the outside in where it doesn't take any persuasion.
You got to prepare them for what's going to happen.
And boy,
did they love what they did!
(20:14):
Satisfaction,
happiness,
they got to feel joy,
and I got to feel joy,
which is extremely powerful.
So the reason that you're fearful being the authority is because
we've been taught to be the from a very backward standpoint.
We've been taught to control our child,
which is an illusion; it's a complete impossibility.
And with Creating Champions for Life,
(20:35):
you put the control and the authority proactively on the environment.
and you show your child what to do to make their goals show up,
and it's absolutely life-changing.
So can we meet again?
Here's to our parenting success!
Cheers.
Bye for now!
It's true,
you can learn to speak kid.
(20:56):
Let us help you starting today.
Visit learntospeakkid.
com right now for life-changing parent resources that'll help you enjoy more peace,
harmony,
and joy in your home.
We have your back.
So we're gonna talk about parenting and the fear that exists within
the hearts of today's parents when it comes to exercising authority.
Over here,
because I said so,
why do I have to keep repeating myself?
(00:21):
Mom or Dad,
do you ever feel like a broken record?
Listening to Learn to Speak Kit podcast on iTunes with Bonnie and Thomas Liotta,
positively transforming families one out of control child at atime.
(00:52):
We're gonna talk about parenting and the fear that exists within the
hearts of today's parents when it comes to exercising authority.
Now I totally get this because I had a son who,
by the time he was six and a half years old,
was diagnosed with ADHD and the worst case of oppositional defiant
(01:12):
disorder that the school psychologist had ever seen.
And this is probably about the 15th time I had been called to the classroom.
He'd been kicked out of one classroom and then another classroom.
And this one in particular was he used to have a teacher that would baby him,
kiss and coddle.
(01:32):
Yeah,
so kindergarten grade one,
she would baby him and she would like sharpen his pencil and make
sure he had everything,
and he was fine in her class.
And then she went off on maternity leave and the substitute teacher
comes in and refuses to sharpen Zach's.
And I mean this is the end.
of grade one You'd think at six almost seven years old the kid could
(01:54):
sharpen his own pencil,
especially when all I have to do is put the pencil in and it goes.
But she refused to sharpen his.
And so he stood up and screamed and literally threw the desk across,
wiped out a bunch of chairs,
and then continued to jump from desk to desk to desk out the door,
locked himself in the bathroom.
So the reason I'm sharing this story is because when you did
(02:17):
everything that he wanted you to do and everything was smooth and
easy and he got his own way,
everything was fine.
But the minute that I wanted to exercise authority,
like it's time for bed or anything that trying to follow a schedule
that's when you would see two,
three,
four hours screaming,
temper tantrums.
(02:38):
And of course,
I had three other kids.
So as long as everything was smooth and running good,
but if you call them on their stuff,
then there's the fear of the meltdown and of the power struggles and
of the end result which at that point in time I didn't think I had
any control over until I met you and discovered what I did have control over.
(02:59):
But what do you see?
You ran a martial arts afterschool program.
You literally had thousands of kids brought to your school.
You're after you're creating champions for life program.
because you developed a reputation for fixing kids,
these oppositionally defiant kids,
back in your day.
And so,
what is it that you're seeing when I talk about fear of exercising authority?
(03:21):
Hmm,
well,
when it happens now,
what?
Like the parent didn't know what to do.
It was kind of like,
yeah,
oh my God,
everyone's looking,
shocked!
I just can't see this.
Right?
Okay,
so embarrassment from their big one.
(03:42):
Competing with the Joneses,
everybody kind of like looking at what you're doing,
judging your parenting.
The avoidance or going,
I gotta make sure I got Bobby's little popsicle.
I gotta have a little Christina's notepad and markers and diggity.
diggity diggity Yeah.
And when you go to the beach,
you see the parent carrying 18,
(04:03):
000 things,
dump it all down and be like,
okay,
where's the meltdown?
Oh,
what's he doing?
And then bring it right.
It was almost like a living hell,
or imprisonment,
or a trap.
Yeah.
And then when you start going,
oh wait,
how do you fill a bottomless pit?
How do you keep giving and giving?
(04:25):
When you give an inch,
they seem to take a mile.
When does it end?
Yeah,
so we want to exercise authority.
We want to have boundaries.
And this whole gentle parenting,
like oh my gosh,
we've been taught somehow,
like only in the last couple decades though,
(04:45):
that toddlers do not have the ability.
to self-regulate their emotions.
Oh my gosh,
like I'm having an aha moment just talking this through with you.
This happens a lot during our episodes.
Okay,
so in the last couple decades,
it's like parents are being taught that you don't want to throw your child off the edge,
(05:07):
that you want to be their emotional guide or even be an extension of
your child's emotions,
because they don't have the ability to self-regulate yet.
So here's a statement (05:17):
It's like it's okay to have feelings,
little Timmy,
but it's just not okay to hit,
as if the toddler can understand what is even being said in the
words because we all know,
do your own due diligence.
That children do not have the ability to think abstract yet,
so they can't understand what you're saying from adult perspective
(05:39):
because they can only understand very logically what we want them to do.
So,
as a mom who raised four kids,
and at one time I had four kids under the age of six,
I understand the temper tantrums and the sibling rivalry,
and trying to come in and be there,
and walking around on eggshells for fear of how do we say it.
(06:00):
A fear of the lack of control of the outcome,
for fear of,
oh my gosh,
what's to come,
the feeling of being exhausted already dealing with these little children,
and now having to suffer the consequences.
(06:21):
of putting down authority.
But how important is it to have structure and authority as parents?
Oh,
it prepares them to be able to launch out of the.
Okay.
So what ends up happening is you start to see that,
huh,
how am I,
as the little genius offspring,
(06:41):
how am I learning how the world works for what I want?
Because I started crying,
got me my bottle,
shut me up.
Yes,
I cried,
I got my rattler,
I cried,
you changed my.
Pick me up,
put me down.
And then it just kept going to where if I just kept crying,
AKA meltdown,
whatever you wanna call it,
(07:02):
if I do that,
then what I want,
need,
or desire shows up.
And I keep getting reinforced because if I just keep doing it one.
minute one hour I'm being silly here one day but when you start seeing it,
if I kept doing this and then I got it to shut me up,
that's how the world works,
(07:23):
I guess.
So I get stuck in this,
I don't know any other way.
Yeah.
So what clicked one day in the after school,
and this is actually during the summer camp when I'd have anywhere
between 30 to 50 kids at any given time,
6 a m to 6 p m at night,
all day long.
Yeah.
And these kids would show that,
well,
I don't have.
And then just sit there like,
(07:44):
oh,
an overcompensator will come get it for you.
That's simple training.
Or if I whine,
I don't got it,
I need.
And it was if you gave,
you'd be like,
you can't,
this is not sustainable.
So what ended up happening one day,
it just clicked and we'd be like,
huh,
love for you to have something to drink.
We call that a...
Okay,
so now we're actually moving into what we can control.
(08:07):
Right?
Okay,
so we've gotta get rid of the fear of setting authority or setting
boundaries because children need structure and they need boundaries
because we have a role to do.
Yes,
and that is to prepare them for the world.
But see,
when I was a young mom before creating Champions for Life and all my
kids were being diagnosed with these behavior disorders,
(08:28):
I was walking around on eggshells,
and we're gonna do another episode where I'm gonna share.
my secret nightmare that I was living as a because I think there's
probably a lot of us out there doing the same thing.
But when you came into my life and you just talked about goals,
and first of all I was like,
oh my gosh,
you can parent with.
So what you did was you gave me power,
(08:51):
and that's what I'm hoping that the listeners of this show are going
to walk away completely empowered with (08:54):
hope that you can never control your child.
And this whole idea of trying to control them in a positive and
gentle way is a complete illusion and really setting us all up for
because it doesn't work; it'll never work.
But what we can put the control on is the environment that our
(09:16):
children are learning and growing in.
And so,
we've got to get away from this whole being the authority in a
reactive punishment mode.
Well,
this is where the fear comes into place because we know in our
hearts it's off the mark,
it's not godly,
it's not really positive; it's leading us to a dark and toxic nightmare in our.
(09:39):
But when we learn to set the authority proactively in the environment
and we learn to validate our child and show them what to do in order
to make the TV show up,
see,
TV is a privilege,
right?
The iPad is a playing on a cell phone,
is a having a cookie for dessert,
(10:00):
is a.
So right now,
we've been taught to use the TV as a distraction or as a babysitter,
and it's completely backfiring.
So now they get everything in the house for free.
We come in as the authority,
we take something away,
we get the big meltdown,
and that's what causes the fear.
Right?
Because now what?
Yeah,
(10:21):
exactly.
So what's the solution?
Let's see,
who's the maid,
who's the chauffeur,
who's the cook,
the cleaner,
the go getter?
Me,
me,
me,
me,
me,
me,
me,
me.
And if the mom's carrying all of these jobs and the child has none,
(10:41):
what part of Prince of Bel Air are we missing?
Except except they don't feel like a...
No,
they feel like a pawn in somebody else's game.
They have no life purpose or no responsibility.
no sense of self-worth.
I feel stuck.
We're the only way that I can make anything show up.
(11:04):
And in our terminology,
we call it the 'I cry I don't know how to do it by myself,
but if I cry,
somebody will do it for me.
Now this is key for me (11:15):
the environment in the house is somebody has
to do everything for me.
This is what the child's living in (11:24):
their own personal health.
All I got to do is cry,
and it shows up.
Now I'm not sure where that exists when you leave the nest,
but it doesn't prepare them.
No.
So it's kind of cute between zero and one because that's what you got to do for them.
But if you go past the age of two,
(11:45):
it's long overdue.
Yeah,
due for mode.
So what ends up happening now is we've got to,
instead of automatically doing four,
just to recognize a wind acronym wants,
needs,
and they want something.
We validate.
(12:06):
We call that a,
thank you for now.
At that critical window,
if they knew how to get it all on their own,
they would.
So this is where we got to take the time,
instead of just doing or saying no,
we got to show them how it shows up.
And that's the part that takes some time.
(12:26):
And that's part of the process.
But the first one is to not just get it for them or tell them no,
but they're ready to learn.
I want to be able to do it just like you.
They're going to look at you and go,
can I be like you?
Could I do what you?
Do one day?
Can I be all just like you do everything all by myself without you?
(12:49):
Yeah,
that's the secret relationship of mother to daughter,
father to son,
is to prepare them and transfer that knowledge that we have to them.
We're not to do all,
be all.
Okay,
that's got to go between zero and two.
So,
the fear-based negative authority we feel,
(13:11):
it's wrong for a,
and it's because we're doing it without any control.
Like we can't control it.
We all like to be in control of.
So,
what you're saying is,
and what is making a difference for families already all over the
world with Creating Champions for Life is,
we're taking the control off the child.
(13:31):
We're Putting it on the We're setting the stage that everything above food,
clothes,
and shelter is a privilege that the child can work towards.
So we don't have to come in reactive authority punishment mode,
go through five hours of temper tantrums,
but we can set the stage of I would love for you to watch TV,
play a video game,
(13:51):
have a cookie,
do what it is that you want to do.
That's called a goal.
So you're validating their want,
need,
or desire.
And the authority here in the environment is in the structure that's
being created with a master plan by not being the one to go yes or no,
you can have that.
By being the,
that shows the child what they need.
(14:12):
to do in order to make what it is they want show up.
And I need to say this too because I have been known to be an overcompensator.
Go figure!
We don't exactly know what the kids want.
Like I remember doing this when we took them to the fair in Snohomish.
(14:32):
Yeah,
the Puyallup Fair,
Puyallup Fair in Washington.
Now the old me would have controlled the whole situation.
I would have been responsible to buy the ride tickets,
buy their food,
and everything else.
And so we had set up the stage where about three or four weeks in
advance they knew that the Puyallup,
how do you say it,
Puyallup Fair.
(14:53):
We knew the fair was coming,
okay?
So we kind of drew out everything.
that there was to do at the fair,
the food that would be there,
you know,
gifts,
rides,
everything else.
And they had about four weeks to save a certain amount of money from
their weekly paycheck,
not allowance.
We're going to do another episode on what the difference is between
(15:13):
a paycheck and an allowance.
But they were getting their weekly paycheck.
They put aside some money for specifically to go to the fair.
So when we got there,
we all kind of paid our way in.
They sat and they huddled as four kids between the ages of,
I want to say,
eight and,
no,
maybe nine and 14 or 15,
(15:36):
somewhere in there.
And so they all sat around,
they made a master plan and they took off with this amount of.
And I assumed,
I assumed that they would have been on every single ride,
and/ or they would have bought like a bracelet that would allow them
to have multiple rides or whatever.
And anyways,
they completely shocked me.
They all showed up.
(15:56):
They had Puyallup Fair sweatshirts,
and they pooled their money for food,
whatever they wanted for food.
They pooled their money and shared,
and they had enough money to go on,
I don't know,
a ride or two.
So what they really wanted was a.
(16:18):
And I would have assumed that they wanted to go on all the rides,
and I would have my money on what I thought they might want.
And then at the end.
of the day when they wanted their sweatshirt,
I would have said no,
we already spent all of our money over here.
(16:38):
Now I've got to be the authority,
right,
and set down the law and deal with the meltdowns,
and they would have just been heartbroken and I wouldn't have had a clue.
But because I knew Creating Champions for Life and we set the
environment up in advance,
there was no mom,
mom,
mom,
can I have more,
(17:00):
mom do this,
do that.
There was nothing.
There was just complete cooperation.
They felt like little people,
right?
They had purpose,
they felt what it meant to have responsibility,
to be independent.
And I had the most peaceful day with the absolute best most
(17:20):
cooperative kids in the world.
Like it was just a beautiful experience.
And I'm so grateful to you,
Tom,
because you know I was on the positive parenting train and doing my
best to be that authority,
and I was the one that was walking on eggshells.
And now,
(17:41):
because I took the control off the kids,
put it on the environment,
and set the stage 100 in advance,
it's absolutely life-changing.
It has changed the direction of my kids' lives.
It has allowed us to be,
not that I want to be my kids' friends,
but I'm telling you what,
having a close,
connected relationship with all four of my young adult children is
(18:03):
the most amazing feeling.
In the world,
I'm so grateful.
I mean,
we have clients that,
like Sarah said,
I left the country at 23 and never went back.
I mean,
that's the last thing we want to experience as parents.
And I can see why we have the fear of being the,
(18:24):
because it does feel wrong in the heart.
But they do need structure,
they do need boundaries,
they do need to know what your expectations are,
and they are counting on us to show them how the world works and to,
like,
create a real-world environment,
which is what we did.
We allowed them to get a paycheck,
(18:45):
to save money,
to make a plan,
to spend the money on whatever they...
and they felt joy,
and I felt joy.
Just like a real life.
video game and lifetime experience of what I did.
We'll have to talk about the power of video games on another episode,
for sure.
But just to recap on the magic,
(19:07):
I got to get my own ticket to get in,
rather than relying on wine to get it.
I found something that was a sweatshirt that was like,
I'm not even able to describe it.
The colors,
the shape,
the size,
the feel— I found it.
(19:28):
Yes,
I made that happen.
I get to,
with my own money.
Yeah,
I got to choose which ride to go on.
And I ordered my own food,
rather than mom got me a bunch of stuff and said,
shut up and eat,
you little brat.
All that stuff was— if it is to be,
it's up to me.
(19:49):
I did it.
And that's the drug from the inside.
out that we owe a moral obligation for our kids to experience versus
the outside in where it doesn't take any persuasion.
You got to prepare them for what's going to happen.
And boy,
did they love what they did!
(20:14):
Satisfaction,
happiness,
they got to feel joy,
and I got to feel joy,
which is extremely powerful.
So the reason that you're fearful being the authority is because
we've been taught to be the from a very backward standpoint.
We've been taught to control our child,
which is an illusion; it's a complete impossibility.
And with Creating Champions for Life,
(20:35):
you put the control and the authority proactively on the environment.
and you show your child what to do to make their goals show up,
and it's absolutely life-changing.
So can we meet again?
Here's to our parenting success!
Cheers.
Bye for now!
It's true,
you can learn to speak kid.
(20:56):
Let us help you starting today.
Visit learntospeakkid.
com right now for life-changing parent resources that'll help you enjoy more peace,
harmony,
and joy in your home.
We have your back.
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