Real Talk: Friendship, Fatherhood, and Life Lessons

Welcome to Series Two of our podcast, where we dive into real-life conversations with friends and close associates. In this episode, we sit down with Ricky Avery, an Atlanta native, father, and former music industry professional who recently launched a clothing line called Canary Project Clothing.

Join us as we reminisce about our long-standing friendship that began in our childhood church, Believers Bible Christian Church, and explore our shared experiences and perspectives on parenting. Ricky opens up about his journey, the importance of communication in relationships, and his views on traditional roles within a partnership.

We also tackle a heated debate on the dynamics between biological fathers and stepfathers, discussing the boundaries and responsibilities involved. This episode delves into the complexities of fatherhood, respect, and the importance of being present in a child's life.

Don't miss out on this insightful and heartfelt conversation. Tune in now!

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gonna actually talk to one of my really good friends today
his name is ricky avery ricky whole

(00:38):
government how's it going jojo i'm not
calling you miss boy it and that's
okay okay um why don't you tell tell
us about yourself uh i am an
atlanta native born and raised
um a father which is
probably the most important thing to relate to this podcast um and

(01:01):
your audience um did uh the music about 20 years and so right now i'm kind of
in a space so I just launched so the name of my studio used to be Canary Project
it was open on the southwest side of Atlanta um and we just kind of closed that
I recently gave my life back to Christ and um.
So we closed down the studio turned at the time

(01:24):
when we had the studio open we were turning into a clothing line so we actually just
launched the clothing line April 8th um it's
called Canary Project clothing you can follow us on IG um and
you know doing that right now and just figuring out what the next phase of my
life looked like you know i've given music and entertainment enough of my time
nice okay so let's tell everybody how we met you want to tell them oh i can

(01:48):
tell them you can start off because i don't know how you how deep you want to go into these stories.
Rick and i met actually at church we attended the same church believers bible
christian church it's on kelmerton road i grew up in that church from little
girl i think i met you when i was He's probably like seven or eight years old.
Yeah. We were not friends when we first met.

(02:11):
Actually, I thought he was a little bit of an asshole.
Even at that age, still an asshole.
But, please.
Eventually, as we got older, we became friends.
And even after, I don't attend that church anymore, but the relationship lasted for sure.
And to this day, we are really good friends. I can call Ricky if I'm having

(02:34):
some problems and he's going to tell me all the shit I don't want to hear.
Every time? Yeah, and I'm going to listen to it, maybe.
No, but it's always some good insight.
You know, I think it's the Leo in me. I don't listen to anybody.
Like I asked for advice and then don't take it. I literally go the opposite direction.
I don't know. It's very weird, but I can say I know other Leos and I'm just

(02:58):
going to blame it on that.
I mean, every once in a while I've seen you actually take pieces of the advice and implement it.
But yeah, you know, we've known each other pretty much our entire life.
You know, there was little gaps in us not seeing and knowing each other.
I mean, that's just what happens when we're kids, but, you know,
that's my dog, man. Yeah, of course. Yeah.
So one thing that we do have in common, we both have children.

(03:19):
Well, I have one. Right. How many children do you have? I got three boys.
What are their ages? My oldest is 15, and then we've got a 12-year-old and an 11-year-old.
Don't ask too many questions, but, you know, yeah, I got three amazing boys.
Really, really proud of them. All of them are just excelling,
doing their thing. I always thought you would have a girl because God usually

(03:41):
give girls to the players and you are one of the few players that I've ever met.
See, that's the thing. You think I'm a player. I know. I know you.
I know the real you. I'm not.
I mean, I'm cool. You know what I mean? But I'm not a player.
That's some player shit to say.
I'm cool. But you see what I'm saying? Did y'all see that? No.

(04:02):
This is what I'm talking about. I just know how to have successful and healthy
relationships, friendships with women like we're friends.
All right. So so let's let's talk about relationships a little bit.
I think that at least warm the audience up.
OK, what's one of the things that you that you would say you stand on as it
as it relates to relationship?

(04:23):
Biggest thing is going to be communication. I need some when I'm looking for someone to build with.
And I don't like really using the word partner. You know what I mean? but a teammate.
It's communication. Somebody who's able to fully communicate the way they are,
what they're processing in
the moment versus somebody who needs to shut down and kind of run off and,

(04:45):
you know, figure it out, which I understand that, too, but at least be able
to communicate that. So the biggest thing is hand out communication.
The next thing is going to be just as any man. I think it's going to be respect.
You know, I've got to have that. So you mentioned you wouldn't call it a partner.
Why is that? because here we
go so the main thing
is because i mean there is a in a because i

(05:06):
consider myself a traditional man right okay and in a traditional relationship
there is an equal but not in this not necessarily an equitable exchange right
so as a traditional man i wouldn't necessarily go to my.
My lady and expect for her to meet

(05:26):
the same expectations that i that i have right
so while i understand that her loyalty her
her fidelity is an equal thing it's not
the same equitable because when i when it comes down to it the exchange is this
it's my life on the line right so everything like i had a conversation with
a friend and she was and we were we were talking and she was like you know her

(05:48):
and her you know she was she had a weird dynamic with her mother and her father
and She didn't really understand it.
And she was like, you know, she would look at her dad and be like, you know, this is crazy.
Because her mom would basically take them out all the time and,
you know, go to the mall. Like the thing was to go to the mall and spend money. Right.
And their dad would always be off. Like her dad was a coach or something like
that. And he would go, you know, play basketball or not play basketball,

(06:09):
but check out teams locally.
And the thing about that is, you know, I had to have to listen to it for a second.
I was like, well, let me ask you this.
How much of your mother's income versus your father's income do you think went to the home? Right.
And she was like, so she immediately said, well, my dad paid for everything.
Right. So there it is right there within that line.
It's not it's like 100 percent of a real man's income attention focus is going to go to his family.

(06:37):
Everything that he does when he wakes up is thinking about his family in the
future of his family Now that allows for the mother if she decides to work,
which is all good Of course, we want you know, this is the time we live in and
I mean necessarily I mean, you know The most situations you need two incomes, right?
But the ideal situation is that that mother is never responsible for a hundred
percent of responsibility, right?

(06:58):
Nothing that she has going on should ever take care our hundred
percent should not necessarily be going into it from a financial standpoint
at least so that's that's what i mean by like equal versus
equitable you know does that make sense not necessarily
i don't necessarily feel like that's that's i believe
there's 100 100 right so i believe do believe that you put 100 in

(07:19):
right but i'm not going to say that that 100
that you're putting in is we're
going to be responsible for 50 of the bills like that 100 is what we put up
put aside for investments 100 is what we put aside for vacations
things of that nature it's not going to be for this that money's not
going to be utilized the same thing although it's going to the same pot okay all

(07:41):
right well this series is all about watching something viral something everybody
went crazy over and giving our own opinions on it so we'll watch a video we'll
get a real reaction on it then we're going to reach into a little pot and decide
whose side you're on and then you're gonna lose in arguing with
me about your side. Says the lawyer. Here we go.

(08:06):
He about to hog the gavels. Are you ready? Mmm. All right, let's see what we got.
In here. Bro, hold on, hold on. Bro, you missed everything.
You usually do birthday parties. You got some presents for him,
bro? Okay. Bro, he's here for you. He's here for you.
He's providing. It's my son now. Okay? It's my son now. You ain't been here. Yo.

(08:29):
He's a weed. You ain't been here. It's my son now, punk.
You ain't making yourself look bad right now. You making yourself look bad right
now. I'm gonna put a trigger warning on you.
Hold on, hold on. on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on,

(09:11):
hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
That boy ain't no hooper in here That boy ain't no hooper in here for All right.

(09:40):
Every time you come over here. All right, I get it. I need to watch it again.
Oh, wow. Hey, everyone.
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(10:00):
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(10:46):
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(11:07):
Yeah, there we go. I always get some bullshit on them. Defend the stepdad.
There we go. It just shows how great I am to take the losing case and win with it.
You think it's a losing case what i learned in life okay there you
go put it more come on step dad no it's
not you what you what you had to say let's get the obvious out the

(11:29):
way pretty obvious for at least from my standpoint i mean
that's the most even outside
of the child situation when you just start off with that that's the most that's like
literally the a dangerous situation right because
i i live by this quote like if once
another man's in a situation i tend to pull myself out of
it because there are too many men in

(11:50):
general but especially black men um that are
doing serious time for decisions made in moments of rage when it comes to a
woman that that they are in love with a relationship um you know because it's
just the narratives can get spun so much and when we get when men lose control
of our emotions things tend to get very very um,

(12:12):
things get burned down we'll burn the world out you know what i mean so i definitely
think that's the that's where i met with that so when it comes to with the father i think it's um.
I think it's uh it's obvious that the stepdad has been a part of this child's
life but you never we everybody's been in a relationship you everybody it's

(12:36):
three sides to a story You know what I mean?
And oftentimes that narrative that you're getting spun from the person that
you're with is not going to tell you what's really happening.
You don't know how many times that man tried to be in that child's life.
You don't know how there are situations where women will literally take their
child away and hide that child from their father.
And because in a lot of states you're dealing with mother's rights,

(12:56):
like specifically in Georgia.
I mean, you don't have a right unless you go through this extended process that is a God given right.
How can you tell me that I have to go fill out paperwork to say that this is
my child? I was there when the child was conceived. I was there when the child was born.
I signed a birth certificate and I provided for that child until whatever happened
between that child and his mother to make you decide that I wasn't good enough

(13:19):
to be in the child's life. You know, that's just crazy to me.
I don't know.
I don't need this gavel.
These are my initial thoughts. If I'm defending the stepdad.
Stepdad sounds very fed up. I think stepdad has put himself in the position

(13:41):
of a father in this instance.
And again, I want to preface this by saying that we never have enough information.
But just from from experience one and from looking at the video it seems to
me that father has not been involved for whatever reason maybe it is mom's fault
maybe it's stepdad's fault whoever's fault it is father hasn't been involved

(14:02):
mom was very clear she said you ain't been here how long,
and it's coming from a place of protection you're not about to hurt this baby
you don't get to pop up when you feel like popping up and being a part of this
child's life and then all of a sudden you disappear. You're not going to let them down again.
You're not going to come around when you feel like it. You're not going to act
like it's all good when it's not.
And then you got this stepdad. I don't even know these folks married because you know what?

(14:26):
We so funny. We'll put somebody in the role.
They ain't even made themselves to that damn role. This could be a good old
boyfriend who just been around for a year or so. We don't know.
But it sounds to me that stepdad has has put himself in a position where he's
he's taking on that fatherly role,
and he he's looking to protect the child he

(14:48):
cares it sounds to me that he cares you're not going to do this to him again
mom is strong enough to say you're not going to do this to him again and even
more so than protecting the child he's protecting that woman i think he's more
he's out there more for the mom than he is for the child to say this is my lady
you're not gonna come over
here doing things that I know she disagrees with and doing things that are going

(15:10):
to help this child that I've been taking care of. And see, there we go.
Who are you to decide what's protecting that child? Right.
Because you provide because you've provided for this child based on this.
And you said the key point is that for the mother.
Right. He's not there for the child. If that mother was not there,
he would not be there for that child. If that mother decides that,
hey, I don't want to be with I don't want to be with you anymore.

(15:32):
Guess what's going to happen? He's going to exit that child's life.
Now, you have some men and I commend it.
Who stay in the child's life after that relationship is over but again
the the main the the the the pivot
point or the the connecting point is the mother right so
once that dynamic change what happens so what happens to that child when you're
not when you're no longer but we're not there yet because it's the
dad it's the dad that's okay so here's the reality and

(15:56):
here's and here here's where i stand on the period that's his biological
father there are things that are going to happen with that child that that stepdad
has no idea how to connect and deal with i see my boys like i said my children
are 15 12 and 11 and i have a i have a very unique situation with my youngest child but when.

(16:17):
When the situation with my youngest child, without going in depth,
the situation with my youngest child, when he was, and this is,
when he was going, when he was separated from me for the time that he was separated from me,
the conversations that we have now and the things that he expresses now are
things that I was doing at his exact age, right? Right.

(16:42):
There is something DNA is a real thing. It's cold.
Right. DNA is the same as when you when you log onto your computer, you're using software.
When you wake up in the morning, you're using software. And sure enough,
what you teach somebody and what you can what you put into a child is very important.
But we are all running off a base software and that software comes from the
people that came before you. So there are experiences that I had with my father.

(17:05):
Right. That affects how my son
is going to have a relationship with his father. It just is what it is.
And for anybody to try to negate that and think that, OK, because because I'm
here in this position that that those things go away and I can give this child like that.
I mean, just think about it. When you go when you go to a doctor,
do you have any what what are there any mental illnesses that run in the family?

(17:27):
Are there diabetes, hypertension, these things that that father cannot tell
it? You can't tell them that. So why would you how do you think?
Imagine what a child who doesn't have a connection with his biological father,
knowing that his biological father lives and that biological father at least
wants to try to have a connection. Imagine what that does to a child.
Well, let's explore something nobody's mentioned so far. Why the fuck are you

(17:51):
at my house? This is a birthday party at my house.
Dad thought it was appropriate to pop up at my damn house trying to see this
child after God knows how long.
You think that's the... You got to set these boundaries. You don't come to my house.
And if this is a stepdad, it means he's probably chipping in on the bills some

(18:11):
kind of ways. It's his house. Let's say this.
What the... What the hell are you doing at my house? you don't
roll up to my house because it's his birthday and decide you get
to be a part of that this is my house it's other ways to
go about that you want to be with your son you need to go through the proper channels
okay you don't get to come you don't get to come
walking on my property and say oh it's his birthday i get to be here this
is my damn house you can have your own birthday party you can

(18:34):
do your own thing with him but you don't stroll up on my yard demanding
to do this and that because you don't run shit at my house okay and
that could be another perspective to look at from stepdad's point of view now
if we was in the middle of the street somewhere or we out at a park and he's
standing up talking about you can't talk to him i think that'd be a different
story than you rolling up to my house all right so when what's more personal the house or the child.

(18:59):
Both let me ask you a question somebody if somebody if you went up to somebody's
house and they happen to take your son right like for they took your son i don't
care if they kidnapped your son if they if they somebody if you gave him your
son they said well i'm not giving back i don't I feel like he's safe with you, right?
What would be more of a, what's the more personal situation,
the son or the house that you pull up on?
I think it's a better way to go about it. There's a million better ways to go

(19:21):
about it, but everybody doesn't have those resources, and that's the reality.
It's not what you do, it's how you do it. It's not what you do.
It's never what you do or what you say. It's how you do it or how you say it.
You don't get to come walking up on my property, talking about what you want
and what you're going to do.
You don't get to do that. I don't give a damn how many kids you got over there.
So you mean to tell me you've never been in a situation where somebody did everything
right and you still did it wrong? I have not. No. Can you name one?

(19:44):
I'm not. Go for it. Look. Go for it. Because here's the thing.
I've been solid my entire life.
I would love for you, and you've known me my entire life. That's a fact.
And I'm not, I'm not, we're not going to.
I'm not going to get, I'm not, I'm not, I'm talking about in general.
There are people, there are people that, you know, that's not what,
that's not what the intention was.
Anybody, anybody watching this, if you really think about it,
there's somebody who did eight out of the ten things right.

(20:07):
Eight out of the ten things right to you as a person. And you,
you absolutely, you absolutely said forget that. I don't care.
That's a fact. What that got to do with coming to my house demanding to see
my baby on his birthday? We done planned a whole party for the baby.
We in the middle of a party and here you come. That's my son.
Get your stupid ass home. You don't know what that is. Because where you come from?
Where the fuck did you come from? The lady said herself after how long?

(20:30):
How do you know where the house is? That's because you're not regularly connecting
with the child. And you picked this child's birthday.
How selfish do you have to be to ruin this baby's birthday?
This is this baby's day. you're gonna pop up knowing you
ain't been around talking about i want to see my son why
because it's his birthday what about when it wasn't what
about when he needed you or when he was saying i want my dad where the fuck

(20:52):
was you because it sounds like stepdad was there and i'm not one to say that
you need to disregard the biological dad but like i said it's the way you do
things and he sounds disrespectful to me already because what you doing here what are you doing here,
So the assumption would be that the stepfather and the mother right of this
child who this man randomly pops up on right who has not been there who automatically

(21:17):
all of a sudden figures out what his child is and,
Pops up at the house on this child's birthday the fact.
It's not a look I don't care. I don't care my child. I don't care my child is
locked inside of a prison,
i'm as a father and that's and that's the thing that's the thing that's what
we go back that's what we go back that's what we go back to the original statement
when you asked me earlier no that's what we go back to the point when you asked

(21:39):
me earlier you said you said and when i was explaining about equity equity equity
and equal right my life is on the line for my family,
my life is on the line that's my blood my blood
throws through those veins not his i don't give a damn what he does and
that's so disrespectful it's not disrespectful it is because in
this context here you can tell that stepfather has been there
and it might not necessarily be because you know

(22:02):
the dad didn't want to be there it might not necessarily be because they needed
stepdad to be there but i think the bottom line is stepdad has been there and
dad has not who the hell are you to come walking up on my property talking about
what you want to do after i've been doing your goddamn we don't even know if
that's his property it doesn't matter wherever my wherever
my seat is, wherever my, wherever my, wherever my seat is, I can be there. Nah.

(22:27):
And you, I want you to tell that in Fulton County. Guess what?
They're going to lock your dumb ass up for trespassing.
No, you can't. Thank you. I don't feel like you can, I don't know how that works.
I understand what, what works legally. I understand law, but there's also God's
law and God's law say I can do it.
But we don't know if that's the situation and that's a lot to assume.

(22:47):
Yeah, but that's, that's also.
But you can't come and go in a child's life When you get ready And you can't
tell me when I can come and go From my house I fell to my face Exactly,
And that right there And that is the thing Right there That is the thing Let

(23:08):
me keep it That's not fair to a child when you get ready to pop up On his birthday,
You have We don't You have no idea what the dynamic of that relationship is
that child would not exist without that father,
man a mom come over your house let you have planned let you have a woman you

(23:34):
don't move dog everybody moved on you got a woman i come popping up at your
house at the birthday party you don't plan talking about where my son you're
gonna be like bitch you done lost your time as a man as let me tell you let
me tell you what nine out of ten what happened in that situation as a,
I'm not comfortable with this I don't like the fact But I'm not finna let my
child See me telling his mother That she can't be there Now that I agree with
They didn't have no Like that's Like that's That's We can't see Like this You

(23:57):
use your logic And your bearers And don't even talk,
Thank you. No. Why would you put it? Girl, what if that father that's popping
up remembers when his father didn't show up for his birthday?
Now, this is strange. No, it's not. It's not. It's not.
No, that's crazy.
That's crazy. I don't want the child to be like, you have these issues.

(24:21):
And then in 60 more years, we're talking about four-year lineage,
four-generational lineage of our daddy not being there.
And I remember this. Listen, let's be you know what this this is only this is
going to lead us into a whole other conversation because the reality the reality
is and I say this with with all due respect because I respect black women.
I respect single mothers. I do. But here's the reality.

(24:43):
If it's the father's absence and there's a father's absence,
then that can be an issue. Right. But there's also a problem with the mother's presence.
So there's a lot of black women. Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Yes, I can. Yes, I can. I will. I will. Let me. So here's the thing.
A lot of a lot of children who grow up with their mothers don't talk about because

(25:06):
the value that we put on a mother.
We put a lot of value in a mother. I do.
Right. But what we don't acknowledge is the type of trauma and toxicity that
comes along with a single mother.
This sometimes that is every if which one
is it are we all are we adults and all responsible for our
responsible for our behavior and the way we carry ourselves which one is it

(25:26):
or is it going to be are we going to blame it on somebody else no there is a
bro the thing is the thing is Let me ask you a question.
What's she doing? Get on the show. Look.

(25:47):
It ain't a real woman. And the mother is not beating the daddy down,
even if the daddy's not there. It's not saying, if your daddy is not. Oh, my God.
It's your daddy. If the mother's not doing those things, which as a mother,
I never done and never will do.
How can you blame me as a mother for picking up the pieces and wanting to keep
my child comfortable and keep my child on the hard way emotionally,

(26:08):
physically, and spiritually for your absence.
You're not there. It's not me. So I got to pick up the pieces.
I got to comfort that child when that child's there.
Why don't I have no daddy when they see other dads that might want to make up
a lie? I got to rationalize. I got to say you dead.
I got to say I don't know. I got to make up a lie. Not you dead.
Yes, I will. That's what it takes because I don't want to keep your dad to die.
And I want to show my child show my child mine.

(26:29):
In your absence, if you're not doing what you're supposed to do,
I have to cultivate all these scenes and all these.
Reality just you know if let me ask you a question let
me ask you this let me ask you let me have wait wait wait wait wait wait wait
wait wait okay this is your show this is
your show because i got it i know you got something to say i i
definitely think it's it can go different ways because

(26:51):
we have to look at why the father is not present thank you
we do need to look into that i have i've had plenty of
situations where dad was not present because dad chose not
to be present and then on the other hand there are
several situations where dad is not present because he's not allowed
to be present and i think that kind of changes the
dynamic of what we're talking about here but even in this

(27:12):
case if the situation were the latter where
dad is not present because mom is a bitch and she's just not having it you still
ain't got no fucking business pulling up at my house on my son's birthday man
look i do listen i do not think here's what i think here's what i Here's what I think.

(27:32):
I just want y'all for a second. As mothers, as mothers, right?
At my house with my new man there. Hold on. I feel like you handled that.
Different. Thank you. All good.
There you go. Because that's the thing. That's the thing.
Because I do not think, right, that if we're dealing with this situation and

(27:54):
the situation is reversed,
and the father which in most because the
reality is especially in this environment the reality is
and it's on i mean you're you're you're a family family attorney right
so you deal with divorces and things of that nature the reality is the majority
of divorces are filed by women right the
majority and the state in most states most people when
you look at a mother and father dynamic most people

(28:16):
most most people look at the mother and give automatically give grace to the
mother that does not give him to the father so let's let's say this situation
is switched let's say that the father felt like the mother was a bad parent
right and the father decided he wanted to leave and he wanted to take the child
first of all would he even be able to take the child not a,
Not without going... I can't even count how many fathers have taken the child.

(28:40):
How many times... What do you mean, how many times? What do you mean you can't count?
I just... This happens so often. No, you can't. First of all, that's not true.
Because if you find out... A birth certificate does not mean that you have legitimation
over that child. You have no rights over that child if you're not married.
If you're not married. Okay, well, where are we? Where are we? Where are we?
These people aren't married. No, what you just made... Because she wouldn't

(29:01):
be able to do that if they wasn't married.
So, if we're going off what we have, they said stepfather, which leads me to
believe they are a married couple.
Why the initial father the the
biological father who had who's who we're talking about we're talking about
the biological father and the child right and the biological mother the biological
father is not married was not married to the mother which is why he's in a situation

(29:23):
where he has to go through this process the fact that in order for him to take
that child because the people that you.
Because he wouldn't have to because the reality is that wouldn't
be a situation because he would have a parent then you go period what
if they do have one he don't follow it and all of a sudden it don't i
still have rights to this child i mean it's just other possibilities
i just be wanting to know if we're gonna make up some shit

(29:45):
make it all up y'all be adding
the facts that you want to add man listen what i'm
saying listen what i'm saying i'm listening what i'm saying i do
not i do not think any mother sitting in
this room with me right now who is being not deny
access to their child for any reason any reason
would have a problem showing up to any place where their

(30:07):
child was whenever they had an opportunity they knew where their
child was at their moment on his birthday you pop up on his birthday you pop
up on his graduation day you pop up like at his hot at his doctor's appointment
you pop up to be with your child what you talking about you hold on let me ask
you something church because you just talked about now you get me out I've been
talking property the whole time what.

(30:30):
You're doing great we talked about how important it is to you with the family
unit and your wife and this hypothetically you marry a woman with a child.
Hypothetically you married a woman this is
your wife and the dad

(30:50):
of that child has not been around you have picked up
all of the slack and then y'all
put together a birthday party for the baby you
paid for it and then
at your house that you also pay for and then the biological dad out the damn
sky come popping up in your yard talking about letting you see my son does that

(31:14):
change your perspective at all in this hypothetical situation me and his father
would have already had a conversation.
So me and his father have already had a conversation. The hypothetical, yeah.
I made the hypothetical. Okay. You made it. Okay, so let's run with it.
Okay, so here's what's going to happen. Here's what's going to happen.
When he pops up, now my son, my stepson is standing right there.

(31:38):
What's going on, bro? You good? All right, good. You want to come in the party? All right, come on.
I don't believe that shit for one minute. I don't believe that shit.
Just talk about how heated and crazy this situation will be and how you will
have to remove yourself.
Now you want me to believe that this man who ain't been around,
you've been taking care of his damn child.
Your woman's standing right there. You ain't going to let no man punk you in

(31:59):
front of your woman. You want to let me finish? She's standing right there.
And you're going to say, let him come in. You can go ahead and keep on lying.
Right. So come on in, bro. Yeah, we're having a little party.
Yeah. Let him come in. Let him see what's going on. Let him see how much I'm loving his son.
The time, the valuable time that I get to be with his son. The time that I get
to share those moments that he starts to think.
Because a father, what he's doing, when he's sitting there processing it,

(32:20):
dang. Dang, when my son hurt his knee, he probably go to him.
When my son crying, he having a nightmare, he probably wake up and call for him. Right?
So I'm going to let him sit down. I'm going to let him sit there and deal with that. Right?
And then once the party's over and we all hanging out and maybe he's having
a good time or maybe his shame has made him get up and leave.

(32:40):
Right? After all that's done and that child is asleep, then as a 6'2 black man,
I'm going to have a real conversation with him.
And that's when we'll deal with that as men. But I don't have to let that child see that toxicity.
I don't have to see. First of all, at the end of the day, before I'm a father,
before I'm a black man, all that, I'm a follower of Christ.
Right. And so I have to I have to leave. I leave with that first before I leave

(33:02):
with anything. I got to forget.
I'm not here to hold grudge. I'm not here to judge that man because I don't
know what I don't know what that dynamic was between that mother.
I love this woman. I trust this woman. But I don't mean she told me everything.
So what's your closing here? My closing is this. If we're all going to put this
thing and make this about the children, then let's really make it about the children.

(33:23):
And the truth is that as good as a parent can do, as good as two parents can
do, it always takes a village.
So the more the merrier. And if that's the situation that we put ourselves in
as a community and we just got to figure it out, that child's going to need
more than one father figure. That child should also need more than one mother figure.
It's a group effort with our children. Because at this point,

(33:44):
I mean the ones that actually make
it to life and actually get a chance to breathe You see what I'm saying?
Like it's a like at that point the the best situation for that child is to is
to cover that child but not.
Not what's the word I'm looking for? I'm completely blanking on this to cover
that child, but not spoil that child to keep that child to the point where it

(34:06):
doesn't have any life experiences.
Those experiences, being able
to have real conversations, because that's what I do with my children.
I have not always been the perfect father. Like I said, I gave my life back
to Christ. I was a I have been a terrible man.
You know what I'm saying? And I can admit that. Right.
But the fact that I have and I can see that I can see the difference in my children
because of the way I have conversations with my children. Right.

(34:26):
I don't hide from the fact that dad made some mistakes.
Right. Dad is not perfect What I tell my each one of my boys is this your only
responsibility is to be better than me Right.
And so the conversation we have center around that the conversations we have
Allow me to tell them show them within my failures and my successes, but my failures first
The key things that I know that they will deal with as challenges as men when

(34:48):
they get older so that they can avoid them And that's that's what everybody
should be doing Everybody got to stop get dates.
If it's really about the kids take your ego out of it.
Do your children have a stepfather? one of them does,
So with that situation, that that that gentleman has never reached out to me.

(35:10):
Have you reached out to him? Several times. But his mother is the mother actually
keeps me away from actually having a conversation with him.
I think I have my first conversation with him next weekend.
And I'll tell you how to go. I would like to know. He's going to tell us how it goes.
But to be completely honest, and this is something I don't think that we talk about.
I think women get a lot of grace dealing with this situation as far as like the mental health.

(35:31):
You know there's always a space there but we don't really
talk about mental health when it comes to men right so right
and and so if we haven't noticed
i mean statistics say that black men are we're rising
we're like the fastest growing as far as suicide and men
in general kill themselves more right just if we just be.
Completely honest and that is a challenge that i've

(35:52):
had to deal with because it was very hard for
me to look myself like there would be times when
i was with my my my two oldest children
and i would be thinking about my other son like i would
literally like kind of blank out because i'm
like this isn't like this just ain't like
you know what i mean closing statement just stop being so disrespectful man

(36:13):
i don't i don't know enough facts i always say this every time and
y'all probably sick of me i don't have enough facts to give you a
thorough explanation but from what i'm seeing here and from
the side that i was given i'm just gonna go ahead and
say that he was in the wrong you're completely wrong there
are other the ways to go about this you didn't have any business popping up at
these people house you didn't have any business trying to have this
discussion in front of you in front of your child if you are

(36:35):
absent which is what everybody else is saying you don't
get to come around when you feel like it and you do need to
respect whoever that is that's been standing in your place at least
to some extent and i don't like that he said i'm his daddy
now and all that other shit because you way out of pocket
what if he just up and shot you or whatever i know
some very angry men that would would have seen about
you right then you know that's neither here nor there because one

(36:58):
you shouldn't put yourself in that situation and two i think there's
a better way to go about all of these things and people have to stop
being so damn selfish what he did under this situation was very selfish and
if you wanted to see your son there are a hundred different other avenues you
could have went through other than popping up at the house on his birthday with.

(37:19):
No gift on top of that How you coming over here empty handed?
You ain't even been over here. You're going to come on the boy birthday.
Hey, happy birthday. It's your dad.
Empty handed. It's just, the whole situation was just fucking weird.
And I think it was a much better way to handle it. And I think that he should
have consulted with somebody like me.
Because I would have got you back to your son. Yeah, but how much would it charge?

(37:42):
It don't matter. There we go. All right.
We need to know from you guys what you think. Who won? Who lost?
What your thoughts are on the big game?
Music.

(38:14):
Yeah, man, only thing that matters, man, is change behavior.
So just like, and I guess I'll end it with this.
How you see anything is how you see everything. How you see everything is how
you see God. Open your eye.
Cut that out. That shit was weird. I'm just playing.
I'm out of the gold, man. I got the gold. I told y'all he was a player.

(38:39):
So follow the brand Canary Project 888 on IG.
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(39:05):
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And if you don't remember anything else, I'll leave you with this. Let him see that child.