August 30, 2024 • 25 mins
Blooming Beyond Motherhood
In this episode of the Let Yourself Bloom podcast, the host discusses her journey of self-discovery, transformation, and growth, particularly in the context of motherhood. She delves into her podcast venture, The Best Birth Podcast, co-created with Sarah Ziroll, which offers a comprehensive resource for new parents. Transitioning back to Let Yourself Bloom, she introduces a new series focused on each chapter of her book, aimed at reclaiming identity beyond motherhood. She shares her personal struggles with the societal and cultural conditioning around motherhood and emphasizes the importance of embracing multiple dimensions of one's identity. The episode covers themes of self-acceptance, personal development, and the continual evolution of self, both within and outside the role of being a mother.
00:00 Introduction to Let Yourself Bloom Podcast 01:41 Introducing The Best Birth Podcast 03:00 Launching a New Series on My Book 04:37 The Prologue: My Journey to Motherhood 06:11 Struggles and Realizations in Motherhood 07:53 Reclaiming Identity Beyond Motherhood 10:04 The Process of Blooming 11:59 Navigating Motherhood and Personal Growth 24:26 Conclusion and Next Steps
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(01:27):
Welcome back to the LetYourself Bloom podcast.
The podcast where we explore selfdiscovery, transformation, and growth.
But before we do that, you'reprobably wondering, Are you
in the right podcast studio?
Behind me, I have a sign thatsays, The Best Birth Podcast.
This is the studio where my friendSarah Zaroll and I have recorded
(01:49):
the Best Birth Podcast mini series.
In each episode, we interviewexperts on all things birth,
pregnancy, and postpartum.
All of those, but one thing.
Occupations that are also adjacent topregnancy and postpartum, including
a pediatric dentist, a chiropractor,pelvic floor therapist, and so many more.
(02:15):
Our goal was to interview 40 expertsto make 40 weeks of pregnancy, but
we ended up with 52 episodes tomake one whole year of pregnancy.
You can listen to this podcastwherever you get podcasts.
Please share with your family andfriends about this resource for new
parents or parents who are seeking morechild education or birth education.
(02:38):
I know I was one who truly benefited fromthis podcast and I am so grateful that I
was able to be first hand learning all ofthese things along the phenomenal experts.
I was here recording a bonus episodewith Jodi Moore of Better Than
Happy and I will also share that onthis podcast, Let Yourself Bloom.
(03:00):
Back into the Let Yourself Bloompodcast, I am launching a new
series today where I will divedeep into each chapter of my book.
You're probably thinking,I've read your book, Jen.
This is all very redundantor turning off now.
(03:22):
I invite you to reconsider becausethere may be something that you
hear that you've heard before, andthere's the perfect reason why you're
hearing it again at this moment.
Ask yourself, what am I learningthat I didn't know before?
What do I need to know now?
In high school, I wasconditioned to not repeat myself.
(03:46):
I had a few friends who, everytime I began a story, they said,
Jen, you've told us this before.
This caused embarrassment inme and shame for bringing up
something that I've already told.
In my life now, I often begin a sentencewith, I'm sorry if I told this before
or stop me if you've heard this.
(04:07):
Sorry if I'm repeating myself.
I feel the need to justify anytime I bring something up that I
may have shared with them before.
I don't remember who I tell what,at which times, and I become
very self conscious of that.
My new goal is to just stop sayingthat phrase before I say something,
and if I repeat myself, again,there's something they need to learn,
(04:29):
or there's something that I needto brought back to my remembrance.
I invite you to do that as I gothrough each chapter of my book.
Today, I'm starting with the prologue.
This was initially my first chapter ofthe book, but then as I continued writing,
I realized that it was a prologue.
It was establishing who I was, where Iwas in life, my stage, my perspective,
(04:56):
and how I was bringing that to the table.
In each of the chapters that followthe prologue, I go into the how to,
the steps for how you to implement.
Each part into your life.
The book is more like a journal entrywhere you can note the things that stick
out to you, the changes you want to make,the goals that you have in your heart.
(05:22):
But for my prologue, it talks abouthow I wasn't enchanted with motherhood.
I was conditioned as I wasgrowing up to be a mother.
Dolls were placed in my arms.
People around me were mothers.
It was prevalent in my churchto be a mother and that that
(05:42):
was your highest calling.
As I set my sights on motherhood,It felt far in the distance.
I babysat.
I nurtured my sisters.
There were a lot of things that Idid to prepare to become a mother.
However, once I reached that goal,there wasn't really anything beyond
that propelling me to grow more.
(06:04):
I was prepared to ride into the sunsetand live life fulfilled as a mother.
Except I wasn't.
Motherhood was not fulfilling.
I thought I was going to love every momentand be so enraptured by my children.
I love my children.
I do.
I'm so grateful for them and theways that it has challenged me
(06:26):
and caused me to learn skillsthat I wouldn't have otherwise.
But it isn't the onlything that fills me up.
And I heard a mom on a podcast say, I lovemy children, but I don't love motherhood.
There was the permission, the validation,the allowing myself to not love
(06:49):
motherhood and for that to be okay.
In a society where I felt like the onlything I was supposed to be was a mother.
I now did not fit that mold.
I began pursuing personal development.
I began having therapy sessions, talkingwith other mothers, trying to figure
(07:16):
out what was quote unquote wrong withme because I didn't love motherhood.
Steps like the phrase from thatpodcast host that I didn't have
to love motherhood kind of helpedcrumble my mold or this stereotype
that I thought I had to fit into.
(07:37):
This was an awakening.
It was an identity journeythat I didn't expect to go on.
Sure, I had formed who I wasin my adolescence and through
college, but now I was re definingwho I was within motherhood.
And I talk about in my book that itdoesn't just have to be motherhood.
It could be any singular role.
(07:59):
If you are consumed withjust one role, you're numb.
You're going through the motions.
You're being one kind of personthat can almost feel robotic.
But, if you explore all the dimensionsof yourself, that is your identity.
It's uncovering or unlayeringwho you are at your core.
(08:20):
It's taking off those stereotypes andconditioning and rewriting your story.
I had a friend read the book whois not a mother and she said that
she felt called out and that itwas appropriate for her situation
and what was going on in her life.
(08:40):
We are meant to be more than a mother.
And again, wherever you are in yourlife, whichever perspective you're
coming at it from, that is okay.
And that is great.
I share the prologue only in an effortto show you where I was coming from.
Um, the social, the socialconditioning that I experienced.
(09:01):
I have another friend who was conditionedto be a career woman and she threw
her life and self into that career.
She feels like she steppedaway from that and it was a
bold choice to become a mother.
So either end that you'reon can become an extreme.
We're trying to find thebalance in motherhood, the self
(09:25):
acceptance and assurance thatwe're doing what's right for us.
We know who we are and our identitysupersedes our circumstances.
Whatever's going on, whoeverwe're around, we can be ourselves.
Sometimes we've lost ourselves inmotherhood, in a different role, in
(09:48):
whatever's going on, but we can findourselves again as we work toward that,
as we spend time with ourself, get toknow ourself, journal, meditate, reflect.
Those are the ways thatwe find our identity.
And my book, Let YourselfBloom, is how to do that.
(10:09):
Our identity can't always bearticulated, but there are certain
ways that we can do that very thing.
We can define our core values.
We can name our strengths.
We can figure out our purpose, whywe're on this earth at this particular
time, who we're meant to influence,who we're meant to learn from.
(10:32):
All of those things make up our identity.
Thank you for joining me in this prologue.
I hope that you've heard it with new ears.
And that it's okay if you hearsomething repeated over and over again.
We have to hear things over and overbefore they really become a part of us.
(10:55):
Children have to learn and be exposedto so many words before they even
attempt to repeat them themselves.
Take a moment to reflect where youare right now in this very moment.
Is there something that feels likeit's been on your mind or on repeat?
(11:19):
Maybe you haven't fully taken it to heart.
Ask, what is it inviting meto learn or shift in me today?
This is just the beginning.
Each chapter, each episodewill explore both my story and
your story together by layer.
(11:39):
Whether you've heard it before or you'rehearing it for the first time, trust
that there's something here for you andI can't wait to discover it with you.
So let's start by listening toa little bit of the prologue
and see what new insights await.
Nobody told me I could choose tobe anything other than a mother.
(12:03):
I carried around the expectationin my heart that the peak of
my life would be motherhood.
When I was 11 years old, the first jobI took on in society was babysitting.
Later, I was enrolled in the requiredfamily science and consumer science
classes at school and prepared To prepareto be a domestic goddess, I had countless
(12:23):
religious lessons on the importanceof the highest calling of mother.
Mother figures were everywhere Iwent, and I had a front row seat to
the highlight reel of motherhood.
Mothers bonding effortlessly withtheir babies through nursing.
Sticky smiles after cookingwith mom in the kitchen.
Cozy cuddles and readingon the couch with mom.
Happy families on outings together,colorful drawings displayed on
(12:46):
fridges and walls, lots of laughter,celebration of firsts, and the joy of
always having little buddies around.
I was conditioned to want to be amother, and the conditioning worked.
As soon as I was engaged to bemarried, the conversations about
the timing of parenthood began.
We decided to give ourselves two years tobe a couple before trying to get pregnant.
(13:08):
After those first two years,it took nearly one year to get
pregnant with my oldest child.
It was time to have a baby.
Now, where was it?
I was filled with longing.
I had no idea while I wasexperiencing this that it would
only take a year to get pregnant.
To me, it felt like it wasgoing to be my entire life.
(13:31):
A life I had no idea what to do withbecause children were my end goal.
I tried to talk myself out of the hurt.
People struggle for years, decades,a lifetime with infertility, and
you can't even handle a few months?
I had to avoid social media becauseI couldn't stand seeing posts about
stroller recommendations, playdatesat the park, or gender reveals.
(13:55):
The following quote really resonatedfor me and validated my suffering.
There will always be someone whohas an objectively harder life.
There will always be someone sufferingin ways you've never had to think about.
This doesn't mean you aren't allowedto grieve your circumstances.
No one says you don't deserve to feeljoy or gratitude because there are
(14:15):
people who have it better than you.
Similarly, it doesn't make senseto discount your struggles just
because things could be worse off.
That's by Danielle Kopka.
I was raised to think that mycircumstances weren't bad enough
to justify complaints when I wouldbring up headaches or heartaches.
I was often given examples of pioneersor people with incurable diseases
(14:39):
to compare to my own experience.
There has since been a strong movementof people learning how to feel
their emotions as well as engage ingentle parenting or re parenting.
Yes, people have had it worse, butthat doesn't negate our own suffering.
It took a long time forpregnancy to truly sink in.
(14:59):
I was in denial that after waiting andpraying for so long, this desirable
expectation was really coming to fruition.
I had a very easy nine months of pregnancyand a very long labor and delivery.
34 hours that resulted in a c section.
When I was single, everyone wantedto know when I was getting married.
(15:21):
After I got married, everyone wantedto know when I was having children.
Once I had a child, everyone wanted toknow when I was going to have another.
And in retrospect, I'm grateful forthe time it took to get pregnant,
because it caused me to examine myself.
Who was I going to show up as,whether I had children or not?
Our growth does not endwhen we become mothers.
It continues.
(15:43):
Of course we grow within motherhood,but we don't need to discount
or ignore the growth in otherareas of our identity as well.
We are so conditioned to want children.
For some it is religious,for others it is cultural.
I hopped on the bandwagon because itseemed like the natural next step.
But what about the processof becoming a mother?
How do we assimilate this newidentity into the person we are?
(16:07):
Do you feel like motherhoodjust happened to you?
Did you choose to become a mom?
Nobody comes up and asks, Have you decidedwhether you're going to be a mom or not?
No, no, they ask when.
When are you going to have children?
When are you going to have more?
Just because there's a door,doesn't mean we have to open it.
But if you do, own thechoice to walk through it.
(16:30):
Choose your heart.
Choose to have children, andthen choose again to keep them.
I'm embarrassed to tell youthis, but in the early stages of
motherhood, I didn't love my life.
I struggled with theprocess of matrescence,
transitioning into motherhood.
Leading up to motherhood, I was accustomedto being highly productive, ambitious, and
(16:52):
I often based my worth on my achievements.
Now suddenly, I had a child,taking all of my time and energy.
My days looked much different thanthey used to, and I felt my worth
and identity start to slip away.
I let myself be consumed with motherhoodand leaned into this new role.
This new role involved havingsore nipples, being pooped on, and
(17:16):
experiencing postpartum depression.
Because of the highlight reelI'd associated with motherhood,
I wasn't prepared for the effortshock or the around the clock care.
An infant needing me constantly.
The loneliness and isolation, all thecrying for myself and the baby, and
the high demand of new expectationsplaced upon me as a mother.
(17:36):
I experienced expectation pain as Ireconciled the life I thought I would
have and the life I was currently living.
Three years into mothering, I hearda mom on a podcast say, I love my
children, but I don't love motherhood.
Wait, what?
Can we say that out loud?
This mom was speaking her mind,owning the truth that motherhood
(17:57):
isn't always a thing to cherish.
Desire and behold, I had put all ofmy eggs into the basket of motherhood
and thought I was stuck with a basket.
This statement provided me new hope,new possibilities, new permission to
love other things besides motherhood.
Why does this feel embarrassing?
(18:18):
Why is it unconventionalto state these things?
Why is it not okay to say thatmotherhood is not what we wanted?
The guidebook to motherhood washanded down from my ancestors
and it did not make sense to me.
It's as if it was filled withunfamiliar formulas or written
in a different language.
From the beginning of time,people lived in groups to have
(18:41):
a better chance at survival.
Women weren't as emotionally concernedabout their identity because they
were concerned about food, shelter,and protection from enemies.
In a smaller social group, womenwould fall more naturally into the
identities that best showcased theirtalents and benefited their communities.
(19:03):
In an ever growing urban atmosphereand with an increase in relationships
abroad and online, women are moreisolated in their motherhood duties and
individual identities than ever before.
Have you ever found yourselfhaving any of these thoughts?
I don't want to do just this every day.
I don't want to only be a mom.
(19:26):
I just want to be a working mom.
My husband makes enough moneyto support us, but I want
to work outside of the home.
Who am I
beyond motherhood?
This book is for women who areready to reclaim their identity.
It's for the women who don'talways fit the mom stereotype.
(19:46):
The ones who aren't happily paintingevery day alongside their child.
The ones who don't feelconnected to themselves.
The ones who are envious of people whoare pu pursuing their own interests.
The ones who want to enjoymotherhood but don't fit the mold.
This is for you because it's my storyof matrescence and adjusting to a new
(20:06):
normal of life in the fifth trimester.
And there were no books for meto read about these feelings
of being stuck in motherhood.
Motherhood is akin toflowers blooming in a garden.
They don't just appear one day,there's an actual process for how
they germinate to how they blossom.
Similarly, we don't just show up with ourpotential fulfilled, we have to bloom.
(20:30):
This book is here to help you bloom.
Before you set out to plant a garden,there is a planning and preparation phase.
You have to decide whatyou're planting and when.
In a cut flower garden, thegoal is to harvest bouquets.
We're going to compare ourselves toflower bouquets composed of many identity
(20:51):
flowers, sown seeds that have beenintentionally cultivated to maturity.
This planning and preparationcan take place before you
even step foot in your garden.
Some gardeners enjoy sketching outa vision of their garden on paper
prior to setting foot on the soil.
When I was pregnant with myoldest child, motherhood suddenly
(21:12):
became especially relevant.
What I saw and heard women talkabout was how they'd lost their
identity during motherhood.
Once their children grew orleft the house, they no longer
knew what to do with themselves.
They hadn't been as active in pursuingtheir own personal hobbies and interests
as they had helping their childrenpursue their dreams and talents.
(21:35):
Motherhood was practicallytheir only identity flower.
I carried this awarenessinto my journey as a mother.
I started with a deliberate intentionto cultivate all aspects of my
identity while also nurturing mychildren in my role of motherhood.
This perspective shapeshow I approach mothering.
(21:56):
You might be late in thegrowing season, and that's okay.
Be intentional as you finishout this period of your life.
Then, make a plan tobloom next growing season.
How do you know when that is?
It depends on which seeds you sow.
Consider which ones will growbest in your current environment.
I'm inviting you to trustme in this growing process.
(22:18):
Take the ideas thatresonate and plant them.
Leave the rest.
If you are a mother, motherhoodwill become just one of the
many flowers in your bouquet, apart of your diverse identity.
Throughout this book, you'lldiscover how to choose your seeds,
nurture your flowers, and thenmaintain their vitality, while also
fostering the growth of other goals.
(22:42):
You'll learn to recognize whenadjustments are needed, understand the
importance of challenging periods, andEmbrace opportunities for new growth.
As the curator of your life,you'll support your own growth.
Empowered, liberated, and knowingyou deserve to be nurtured and loved.
I'm going to repeat that sentence.
(23:03):
You deserve to be nurtured and loved.
There's a lot of symbolism I willwalk you through in this book.
Section one focuses on allowing growth.
You will learn how to plant andnurture the seeds in your garden.
Before you can plant your seeds,however, you will need to test your soil.
This will ensure that theground is conducive to growth.
(23:24):
You will also learn about the importanceof consistent watering and how to
curate your garden to your preferences.
If you're aware of areas that may bedeficient and you make changes to correct
that, you will be more likely to succeedin growing a full, sensational bouquet.
Section 2 hones in on the specificconsiderations within your unique garden.
(23:46):
You will learn how to balancethe demands of life while also
pursuing your own passions.
Eradicating weeds will makefor a more spacious garden.
You will also discover the importanceof wintering experiences as
they relate to seed germination.
Lastly, in Section 3, you willlearn how to completely unfold
(24:06):
and bloom in your highest power,encompassed in a community of support.
You will put all of your cutflowers into a bouquet to admire.
Continually maintaining yourgarden will ensure a constant
rotation of bouquets over time.
And that is the prologue.
(24:26):
I will soon have it available foraudiobook, if that's your preference.
And if not, you can ordera hard copy on Amazon.
I will continue reading each chapter.
in the episodes, unless they aretoo long that I might just read an
excerpt, but I am so glad you'rehere listening to how you can let
(24:49):
yourself bloom and nurture your dreams.
Have a good week and Iwill talk to you soon.
Welcome back to the LetYourself Bloom podcast.
The podcast where we explore selfdiscovery, transformation, and growth.
But before we do that, you'reprobably wondering, Are you
in the right podcast studio?
Behind me, I have a sign thatsays, The Best Birth Podcast.
This is the studio where my friendSarah Zaroll and I have recorded
(01:49):
the Best Birth Podcast mini series.
In each episode, we interviewexperts on all things birth,
pregnancy, and postpartum.
All of those, but one thing.
Occupations that are also adjacent topregnancy and postpartum, including
a pediatric dentist, a chiropractor,pelvic floor therapist, and so many more.
(02:15):
Our goal was to interview 40 expertsto make 40 weeks of pregnancy, but
we ended up with 52 episodes tomake one whole year of pregnancy.
You can listen to this podcastwherever you get podcasts.
Please share with your family andfriends about this resource for new
parents or parents who are seeking morechild education or birth education.
(02:38):
I know I was one who truly benefited fromthis podcast and I am so grateful that I
was able to be first hand learning all ofthese things along the phenomenal experts.
I was here recording a bonus episodewith Jodi Moore of Better Than
Happy and I will also share that onthis podcast, Let Yourself Bloom.
(03:00):
Back into the Let Yourself Bloompodcast, I am launching a new
series today where I will divedeep into each chapter of my book.
You're probably thinking,I've read your book, Jen.
This is all very redundantor turning off now.
(03:22):
I invite you to reconsider becausethere may be something that you
hear that you've heard before, andthere's the perfect reason why you're
hearing it again at this moment.
Ask yourself, what am I learningthat I didn't know before?
What do I need to know now?
In high school, I wasconditioned to not repeat myself.
(03:46):
I had a few friends who, everytime I began a story, they said,
Jen, you've told us this before.
This caused embarrassment inme and shame for bringing up
something that I've already told.
In my life now, I often begin a sentencewith, I'm sorry if I told this before
or stop me if you've heard this.
(04:07):
Sorry if I'm repeating myself.
I feel the need to justify anytime I bring something up that I
may have shared with them before.
I don't remember who I tell what,at which times, and I become
very self conscious of that.
My new goal is to just stop sayingthat phrase before I say something,
and if I repeat myself, again,there's something they need to learn,
(04:29):
or there's something that I needto brought back to my remembrance.
I invite you to do that as I gothrough each chapter of my book.
Today, I'm starting with the prologue.
This was initially my first chapter ofthe book, but then as I continued writing,
I realized that it was a prologue.
It was establishing who I was, where Iwas in life, my stage, my perspective,
(04:56):
and how I was bringing that to the table.
In each of the chapters that followthe prologue, I go into the how to,
the steps for how you to implement.
Each part into your life.
The book is more like a journal entrywhere you can note the things that stick
out to you, the changes you want to make,the goals that you have in your heart.
(05:22):
But for my prologue, it talks abouthow I wasn't enchanted with motherhood.
I was conditioned as I wasgrowing up to be a mother.
Dolls were placed in my arms.
People around me were mothers.
It was prevalent in my churchto be a mother and that that
(05:42):
was your highest calling.
As I set my sights on motherhood,It felt far in the distance.
I babysat.
I nurtured my sisters.
There were a lot of things that Idid to prepare to become a mother.
However, once I reached that goal,there wasn't really anything beyond
that propelling me to grow more.
(06:04):
I was prepared to ride into the sunsetand live life fulfilled as a mother.
Except I wasn't.
Motherhood was not fulfilling.
I thought I was going to love every momentand be so enraptured by my children.
I love my children.
I do.
I'm so grateful for them and theways that it has challenged me
(06:26):
and caused me to learn skillsthat I wouldn't have otherwise.
But it isn't the onlything that fills me up.
And I heard a mom on a podcast say, I lovemy children, but I don't love motherhood.
There was the permission, the validation,the allowing myself to not love
(06:49):
motherhood and for that to be okay.
In a society where I felt like the onlything I was supposed to be was a mother.
I now did not fit that mold.
I began pursuing personal development.
I began having therapy sessions, talkingwith other mothers, trying to figure
(07:16):
out what was quote unquote wrong withme because I didn't love motherhood.
Steps like the phrase from thatpodcast host that I didn't have
to love motherhood kind of helpedcrumble my mold or this stereotype
that I thought I had to fit into.
(07:37):
This was an awakening.
It was an identity journeythat I didn't expect to go on.
Sure, I had formed who I wasin my adolescence and through
college, but now I was re definingwho I was within motherhood.
And I talk about in my book that itdoesn't just have to be motherhood.
It could be any singular role.
(07:59):
If you are consumed withjust one role, you're numb.
You're going through the motions.
You're being one kind of personthat can almost feel robotic.
But, if you explore all the dimensionsof yourself, that is your identity.
It's uncovering or unlayeringwho you are at your core.
(08:20):
It's taking off those stereotypes andconditioning and rewriting your story.
I had a friend read the book whois not a mother and she said that
she felt called out and that itwas appropriate for her situation
and what was going on in her life.
(08:40):
We are meant to be more than a mother.
And again, wherever you are in yourlife, whichever perspective you're
coming at it from, that is okay.
And that is great.
I share the prologue only in an effortto show you where I was coming from.
Um, the social, the socialconditioning that I experienced.
(09:01):
I have another friend who was conditionedto be a career woman and she threw
her life and self into that career.
She feels like she steppedaway from that and it was a
bold choice to become a mother.
So either end that you'reon can become an extreme.
We're trying to find thebalance in motherhood, the self
(09:25):
acceptance and assurance thatwe're doing what's right for us.
We know who we are and our identitysupersedes our circumstances.
Whatever's going on, whoeverwe're around, we can be ourselves.
Sometimes we've lost ourselves inmotherhood, in a different role, in
(09:48):
whatever's going on, but we can findourselves again as we work toward that,
as we spend time with ourself, get toknow ourself, journal, meditate, reflect.
Those are the ways thatwe find our identity.
And my book, Let YourselfBloom, is how to do that.
(10:09):
Our identity can't always bearticulated, but there are certain
ways that we can do that very thing.
We can define our core values.
We can name our strengths.
We can figure out our purpose, whywe're on this earth at this particular
time, who we're meant to influence,who we're meant to learn from.
(10:32):
All of those things make up our identity.
Thank you for joining me in this prologue.
I hope that you've heard it with new ears.
And that it's okay if you hearsomething repeated over and over again.
We have to hear things over and overbefore they really become a part of us.
(10:55):
Children have to learn and be exposedto so many words before they even
attempt to repeat them themselves.
Take a moment to reflect where youare right now in this very moment.
Is there something that feels likeit's been on your mind or on repeat?
(11:19):
Maybe you haven't fully taken it to heart.
Ask, what is it inviting meto learn or shift in me today?
This is just the beginning.
Each chapter, each episodewill explore both my story and
your story together by layer.
(11:39):
Whether you've heard it before or you'rehearing it for the first time, trust
that there's something here for you andI can't wait to discover it with you.
So let's start by listening toa little bit of the prologue
and see what new insights await.
Nobody told me I could choose tobe anything other than a mother.
(12:03):
I carried around the expectationin my heart that the peak of
my life would be motherhood.
When I was 11 years old, the first jobI took on in society was babysitting.
Later, I was enrolled in the requiredfamily science and consumer science
classes at school and prepared To prepareto be a domestic goddess, I had countless
(12:23):
religious lessons on the importanceof the highest calling of mother.
Mother figures were everywhere Iwent, and I had a front row seat to
the highlight reel of motherhood.
Mothers bonding effortlessly withtheir babies through nursing.
Sticky smiles after cookingwith mom in the kitchen.
Cozy cuddles and readingon the couch with mom.
Happy families on outings together,colorful drawings displayed on
(12:46):
fridges and walls, lots of laughter,celebration of firsts, and the joy of
always having little buddies around.
I was conditioned to want to be amother, and the conditioning worked.
As soon as I was engaged to bemarried, the conversations about
the timing of parenthood began.
We decided to give ourselves two years tobe a couple before trying to get pregnant.
(13:08):
After those first two years,it took nearly one year to get
pregnant with my oldest child.
It was time to have a baby.
Now, where was it?
I was filled with longing.
I had no idea while I wasexperiencing this that it would
only take a year to get pregnant.
To me, it felt like it wasgoing to be my entire life.
(13:31):
A life I had no idea what to do withbecause children were my end goal.
I tried to talk myself out of the hurt.
People struggle for years, decades,a lifetime with infertility, and
you can't even handle a few months?
I had to avoid social media becauseI couldn't stand seeing posts about
stroller recommendations, playdatesat the park, or gender reveals.
(13:55):
The following quote really resonatedfor me and validated my suffering.
There will always be someone whohas an objectively harder life.
There will always be someone sufferingin ways you've never had to think about.
This doesn't mean you aren't allowedto grieve your circumstances.
No one says you don't deserve to feeljoy or gratitude because there are
(14:15):
people who have it better than you.
Similarly, it doesn't make senseto discount your struggles just
because things could be worse off.
That's by Danielle Kopka.
I was raised to think that mycircumstances weren't bad enough
to justify complaints when I wouldbring up headaches or heartaches.
I was often given examples of pioneersor people with incurable diseases
(14:39):
to compare to my own experience.
There has since been a strong movementof people learning how to feel
their emotions as well as engage ingentle parenting or re parenting.
Yes, people have had it worse, butthat doesn't negate our own suffering.
It took a long time forpregnancy to truly sink in.
(14:59):
I was in denial that after waiting andpraying for so long, this desirable
expectation was really coming to fruition.
I had a very easy nine months of pregnancyand a very long labor and delivery.
34 hours that resulted in a c section.
When I was single, everyone wantedto know when I was getting married.
(15:21):
After I got married, everyone wantedto know when I was having children.
Once I had a child, everyone wanted toknow when I was going to have another.
And in retrospect, I'm grateful forthe time it took to get pregnant,
because it caused me to examine myself.
Who was I going to show up as,whether I had children or not?
Our growth does not endwhen we become mothers.
It continues.
(15:43):
Of course we grow within motherhood,but we don't need to discount
or ignore the growth in otherareas of our identity as well.
We are so conditioned to want children.
For some it is religious,for others it is cultural.
I hopped on the bandwagon because itseemed like the natural next step.
But what about the processof becoming a mother?
How do we assimilate this newidentity into the person we are?
(16:07):
Do you feel like motherhoodjust happened to you?
Did you choose to become a mom?
Nobody comes up and asks, Have you decidedwhether you're going to be a mom or not?
No, no, they ask when.
When are you going to have children?
When are you going to have more?
Just because there's a door,doesn't mean we have to open it.
But if you do, own thechoice to walk through it.
(16:30):
Choose your heart.
Choose to have children, andthen choose again to keep them.
I'm embarrassed to tell youthis, but in the early stages of
motherhood, I didn't love my life.
I struggled with theprocess of matrescence,
transitioning into motherhood.
Leading up to motherhood, I was accustomedto being highly productive, ambitious, and
(16:52):
I often based my worth on my achievements.
Now suddenly, I had a child,taking all of my time and energy.
My days looked much different thanthey used to, and I felt my worth
and identity start to slip away.
I let myself be consumed with motherhoodand leaned into this new role.
This new role involved havingsore nipples, being pooped on, and
(17:16):
experiencing postpartum depression.
Because of the highlight reelI'd associated with motherhood,
I wasn't prepared for the effortshock or the around the clock care.
An infant needing me constantly.
The loneliness and isolation, all thecrying for myself and the baby, and
the high demand of new expectationsplaced upon me as a mother.
(17:36):
I experienced expectation pain as Ireconciled the life I thought I would
have and the life I was currently living.
Three years into mothering, I hearda mom on a podcast say, I love my
children, but I don't love motherhood.
Wait, what?
Can we say that out loud?
This mom was speaking her mind,owning the truth that motherhood
(17:57):
isn't always a thing to cherish.
Desire and behold, I had put all ofmy eggs into the basket of motherhood
and thought I was stuck with a basket.
This statement provided me new hope,new possibilities, new permission to
love other things besides motherhood.
Why does this feel embarrassing?
(18:18):
Why is it unconventionalto state these things?
Why is it not okay to say thatmotherhood is not what we wanted?
The guidebook to motherhood washanded down from my ancestors
and it did not make sense to me.
It's as if it was filled withunfamiliar formulas or written
in a different language.
From the beginning of time,people lived in groups to have
(18:41):
a better chance at survival.
Women weren't as emotionally concernedabout their identity because they
were concerned about food, shelter,and protection from enemies.
In a smaller social group, womenwould fall more naturally into the
identities that best showcased theirtalents and benefited their communities.
(19:03):
In an ever growing urban atmosphereand with an increase in relationships
abroad and online, women are moreisolated in their motherhood duties and
individual identities than ever before.
Have you ever found yourselfhaving any of these thoughts?
I don't want to do just this every day.
I don't want to only be a mom.
(19:26):
I just want to be a working mom.
My husband makes enough moneyto support us, but I want
to work outside of the home.
Who am I
beyond motherhood?
This book is for women who areready to reclaim their identity.
It's for the women who don'talways fit the mom stereotype.
(19:46):
The ones who aren't happily paintingevery day alongside their child.
The ones who don't feelconnected to themselves.
The ones who are envious of people whoare pu pursuing their own interests.
The ones who want to enjoymotherhood but don't fit the mold.
This is for you because it's my storyof matrescence and adjusting to a new
(20:06):
normal of life in the fifth trimester.
And there were no books for meto read about these feelings
of being stuck in motherhood.
Motherhood is akin toflowers blooming in a garden.
They don't just appear one day,there's an actual process for how
they germinate to how they blossom.
Similarly, we don't just show up with ourpotential fulfilled, we have to bloom.
(20:30):
This book is here to help you bloom.
Before you set out to plant a garden,there is a planning and preparation phase.
You have to decide whatyou're planting and when.
In a cut flower garden, thegoal is to harvest bouquets.
We're going to compare ourselves toflower bouquets composed of many identity
(20:51):
flowers, sown seeds that have beenintentionally cultivated to maturity.
This planning and preparationcan take place before you
even step foot in your garden.
Some gardeners enjoy sketching outa vision of their garden on paper
prior to setting foot on the soil.
When I was pregnant with myoldest child, motherhood suddenly
(21:12):
became especially relevant.
What I saw and heard women talkabout was how they'd lost their
identity during motherhood.
Once their children grew orleft the house, they no longer
knew what to do with themselves.
They hadn't been as active in pursuingtheir own personal hobbies and interests
as they had helping their childrenpursue their dreams and talents.
(21:35):
Motherhood was practicallytheir only identity flower.
I carried this awarenessinto my journey as a mother.
I started with a deliberate intentionto cultivate all aspects of my
identity while also nurturing mychildren in my role of motherhood.
This perspective shapeshow I approach mothering.
(21:56):
You might be late in thegrowing season, and that's okay.
Be intentional as you finishout this period of your life.
Then, make a plan tobloom next growing season.
How do you know when that is?
It depends on which seeds you sow.
Consider which ones will growbest in your current environment.
I'm inviting you to trustme in this growing process.
(22:18):
Take the ideas thatresonate and plant them.
Leave the rest.
If you are a mother, motherhoodwill become just one of the
many flowers in your bouquet, apart of your diverse identity.
Throughout this book, you'lldiscover how to choose your seeds,
nurture your flowers, and thenmaintain their vitality, while also
fostering the growth of other goals.
(22:42):
You'll learn to recognize whenadjustments are needed, understand the
importance of challenging periods, andEmbrace opportunities for new growth.
As the curator of your life,you'll support your own growth.
Empowered, liberated, and knowingyou deserve to be nurtured and loved.
I'm going to repeat that sentence.
(23:03):
You deserve to be nurtured and loved.
There's a lot of symbolism I willwalk you through in this book.
Section one focuses on allowing growth.
You will learn how to plant andnurture the seeds in your garden.
Before you can plant your seeds,however, you will need to test your soil.
This will ensure that theground is conducive to growth.
(23:24):
You will also learn about the importanceof consistent watering and how to
curate your garden to your preferences.
If you're aware of areas that may bedeficient and you make changes to correct
that, you will be more likely to succeedin growing a full, sensational bouquet.
Section 2 hones in on the specificconsiderations within your unique garden.
(23:46):
You will learn how to balancethe demands of life while also
pursuing your own passions.
Eradicating weeds will makefor a more spacious garden.
You will also discover the importanceof wintering experiences as
they relate to seed germination.
Lastly, in Section 3, you willlearn how to completely unfold
(24:06):
and bloom in your highest power,encompassed in a community of support.
You will put all of your cutflowers into a bouquet to admire.
Continually maintaining yourgarden will ensure a constant
rotation of bouquets over time.
And that is the prologue.
(24:26):
I will soon have it available foraudiobook, if that's your preference.
And if not, you can ordera hard copy on Amazon.
I will continue reading each chapter.
in the episodes, unless they aretoo long that I might just read an
excerpt, but I am so glad you'rehere listening to how you can let
(24:49):
yourself bloom and nurture your dreams.
Have a good week and Iwill talk to you soon.
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