August 30, 2024 • 26 mins
Motherhood and Ambition: Finding Balance and Thriving with Susan Hart
In this empowering episode, Jen Banks sits down with Susan Hart to explore the intricate dance between motherhood and personal ambition. Susan opens up about her journey from being a mother of four, including a daughter with special needs, to realizing the importance of pursuing her own dreams and passions. She candidly shares the highs and lows of parenting, the pressure of living through her children's achievements, and the pivotal moments that led her to reclaim her own identity.
Together, Jen and Susan discuss the significance of self-care, not just as a fleeting indulgence but as a vital component of personal growth and fulfillment. They delve into the challenges of setting boundaries, the importance of delegating responsibilities within the family, and the transformative power of allowing oneself to bloom.
Susan's story is a testament to the fact that it's possible to be a dedicated mother and still nurture your own aspirations. Her insights and experiences offer valuable lessons for any mom striving to find balance and thrive in every season of life. Tune in to be inspired and remember that you are worthy of the same love and care you give to others.
Chapters:
(00:00) Introduction to Let Yourself Bloom
(04:15) Jen Banks introduces Susan Hart
(06:30) Susan's early motherhood journey and infertility struggles
(10:45) Raising a child with special needs
(14:30) The pressure of living through children's achievements
(20:15) Realizing the need for personal goals
(25:00) The turning point: Son's college rejection and youngest child's burnout
(30:45) Embracing personal ambitions and setting boundaries
(35:00) The impact of self-care on family dynamics
(40:15) Susan's advice for other moms
(45:00) Jen's reflections and takeaways
(50:15) Mom Squad Secret: Delegating responsibilities to children
(55:00) Closing thoughts and staying connected
#Podcast #Motherhood #PersonalGrowth #SelfCare #Ambition #ParentingJourney #SpecialNeedsParenting #LifeBalance #RideTheWaveMedia
Keywords: Motherhood, Ambition, Personal Growth, Self-Care, Parenting, Special Needs, Life Balance, Susan Hart, Jen Banks, Let Yourself Bloom, Ride The Wave Media, Podcast Episode
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
LYB_INTRO (00:06):
Welcome to Let Yourself Bloom, the podcast where motherhood
and ambition coexist beautifully.
I'm your host, Jen Banks, and in eachepisode, we'll dive deep into the
journey of being more than a mom.
Here, we believe that you can loveyour children deeply and still have
room to nurture your own dreams.
Picture this, a life where you don'thave to choose between career and family.
(00:30):
Where you can be inspired bystories of women who have boldly
stepped into their dual roles.
Together, we'll explore how to balance,grow, and thrive in every season of life.
Our guests will share theirpersonal stories of finding
identity beyond motherhood.
Proving that you can hold both yourfamily and your ambitions in your heart.
We'll talk about the seasons oflife, embracing our unique paths,
(00:53):
and giving ourselves permissionto bloom whenever we're ready.
Whether you're a working mom of two ordreaming of a bigger family, whether
you're a stay at home mom seeking more, ora career driven woman balancing the chaos.
This podcast is for you.
Listen in and let the stories, advice,and community support you in becoming
the fullest version of yourself.
(01:16):
Tune in, be inspired, and remember,you are worthy of the same love
and care you give to others.
Welcome to Let Yourself Bloom.
Let's grow together.
I am here today with Susan Hart.
She proclaims that she is amom and I love that statement.
It is so true.
(01:37):
There are so many thingsthat we can hold both.
And sometimes we think ofthe all or nothing mentality,
but we really can be both.
So I love that you are owningthat and proclaiming it.
And I'm so excited to haveyou on the podcast today.
Well, thanks for having me.
I'm really excited to be here.
Yes.
Before we begin our interview, orthis is actually the first Bloom
(01:59):
Stories podcast of the season.
I'm so excited to offer these oncea month, it'll be a guest sharing an
uninterrupted story that will kindof debrief afterwards and reflect
on the elements of your life thathave brought you to this point.
I have a question for you.
I have this.
Tabletopics deck and I willjust pull out a question and we
(02:23):
will see what your answer is.
Hey
The question says, what are yourfavorite kinds of books to read?
That is kind of a hard one for me.
I have a degree in English, soI have done a lot of reading.
Um, right now my favorite is non fiction.
I just love absorbing informationand learning everything I
(02:46):
can on a variety of topics.
Um, right now, currently, I'mlearning a lot about real estate.
So, that's, that's my currentreading, uh, fetish, I guess.
I love that.
You and I are very similar in that way.
I love self help books.
I can't get enough andI love to learn more.
So my book coming out next monthis a self help, Let Yourself Bloom.
(03:10):
So good, good.
Okay.
Well, we are going to listen to Susan'sstory about being a mom and Great.
I'm really excited to sharewith you my story today.
I always wanted to be a mom,as long as I can remember.
I am the third of eleven children,and my husband is the oldest of six.
(03:34):
So, we got married thinking thatwe were going to have eight kids.
Um, obviously, our parentsnever had trouble having kids.
So, we assumed we'd be able tohave kids whenever we wanted,
and as many as we wanted.
But, that was not the situation for us.
So, after a couple years of Failedinfertility treatments, we decided
(03:57):
that we would try to adopt.
So, we were young college studentsand quite poor, but we, um, saved
and we, uh, got everything ready.
We did interviews, we did backgroundchecks, we had all of our paperwork
ready, and we learned that I was pregnant.
(04:18):
So, that was a great miracle.
We were so excited.
Um, So our first child is a daughterand she was born with a variety
of special needs, which we didn'tknow about until she was born.
So the first several years of her lifewere jam packed with physical therapy,
(04:39):
occupational therapy, speech therapy,vision therapy, and a whole slew of
doctor and specialist appointments.
So my life was really centeredon her and revolved around her.
giving her everything that she needed.
Um, the doctors told us that shewould likely never walk or read.
(05:02):
Um, so I kind of made it mymission to prove them wrong.
So, um, by the time she was two anda half, she took her first steps.
And by the time she started kindergarten,she was reading at a first grade level.
And, um, That was somethingthat I took a lot of pride in.
I was really excited about that,um, success for her and for me.
(05:28):
Uh, then we have three precocious boys andthey are, um, lively and fun and exciting.
And I think I was so used to having mylife filled with everything for my child,
from my daughter, that I felt like Ineeded to keep doing that with my boys.
(05:49):
So when my daughter turnedthree, she, um, started going to
preschool a few days a week, andit was a special needs preschool.
So she started getting a lotof her therapies at school, uh,
which freed up some of my time.
So I started my, my second childin, um, cello lessons when he was
(06:10):
four years old, and it was intense.
I would go with him to the lessons,and I would take notes, and write
down everything the teacher wantedus to do and then we would practice
together for an hour a day.
And then we had our third childand we did the same with him.
So I was kind of stacking allof that on top of each other.
(06:32):
Hours of music practicingevery day with the kids.
Um, and our daughter also played theviolin and she, um, her journey was
a little bit different than theirsbecause it couldn't be quite as intense.
But, um, but still I was still my lifewith a lot of, a lot of kids stuff.
(06:52):
Um, a lot of music and alot of driving and still um,
appointments for my daughter.
We also have a child with um,celiac disease and so there was um,
appointments for that and variousother things for that as well.
Um, and then school brought aroundall of the other school activities.
(07:14):
activities and sports and we had, um,afterschool orchestra and the kids were
involved in music camps and festivalsand competitions and student government
and all of the, all of the things.
So, um, I felt like I wanted to givemy kids every possible opportunity.
(07:35):
So if there was something theywanted to do, then I said yes.
And if there was something I feltthat they needed to do, then I
said, yes, you're doing this.
Um, And things got really hectic.
Um, when I was a first new mom,my mother in law said to me,
(07:56):
what are you doing for yourself?
And I thought, what do you meanwhat am I doing for myself?
I have a child.
I'm a mom.
That's what I do.
Um, and I think part of that was becausemy own mom had so many kids and she was
always busy with kids and with helpingneighbors and um being on the PTA.
(08:19):
She didn't ever take time for herself andmy mother in law was much better at taking
time for herself and her family could tellif she hadn't gotten her daily swimming.
They could tell and they wouldsay, Mom, you need to go swim.
Um, But for me, that's, thatwasn't something I was used to.
(08:40):
It's not something I ever thoughtabout really and um, and I should have.
So my mom even said to me several times,I'm worried that you're burning out.
I'm worried you're trying to doway too much and your kids will
be okay if you don't do so much.
(09:00):
They'll be better off if you kind ofpull back a little bit but I Um, we moved
to a small town and there weren't verymany academic opportunities and there
weren't any orchestra opportunities.
So we were driving an hour anda half each way for orchestra,
sometimes four or five days a week.
(09:20):
It, it was just, it was a lot.
And, um, finally we had,I had some breakthroughs.
Two events happened thatchanged everything for me.
First of all, this was 20 yearsinto my parenting journey.
(09:44):
My oldest son, my second child,
did not get into thecollege that he wanted to.
And that was a devastatingblow for him and for me.
I felt like we both had done everythingwe could and still didn't succeed.
So he had a 3.
(10:05):
9 GPA.
He was, had the highestACT score in the school.
He was in student government.
He was in sports.
He was in theater.
He was, uh, the head cellist in thetop orchestra for youth in the state.
We felt like we had sethim up for great success.
And so that was a huge blow.
(10:29):
Then the second thing that happenedwas my youngest child who is a
violinist, um, came to me and said,Mom, I don't want to do this anymore.
And he was an exceptional musician.
He had lessons from a great teacher.
Very excellent teacher.
(10:49):
Um, but there was too much pressure andhe had stopped, he stopped loving it
because it was just too much pressure.
His teacher often talked aboutthese are the things you need
to be doing now so that you'reready for a college scholarship.
Well, my son was 11 years old at the timeand he's being, you know, um, prepared
(11:11):
to, to, uh, participate in, in reallyhard competitions and that sort of thing.
And that was, it was just too much.
And, um, at first I was really crushedbecause my husband and I had always felt
like we wanted to give our kids music.
We knew it would help them academically.
(11:31):
We knew it would helpthem with discipline.
We felt like it was agood thing for them to do.
And that if we could get them tothe point that they were proficient
enough, they could choose if theywanted to study music in college or
not, but they would have the choice.
So, these two experiences both kindof, um, sent me reeling a little bit.
(11:56):
I didn't know, I didn'tknow where to go from there.
I felt like I had worked so hard to getmy kids, um, to be successful, and then we
had these two experiences that were hard.
So, I thought a lot about it, andafter the initial sting had worn off, I
(12:18):
realized I was living through my kids.
And I was taking credit for theirsuccesses, and I was taking blame for
their shortcomings and their mistakes.
And I was doing a real disserviceto my family by doing that.
(12:39):
I think my kids thought that you becomea parent and then your life is your kids.
And that's, that's notthe way it should be.
So for me that was a big wake up call.
I hadn't had my own personalgoals in years because I felt
like what I was giving my kidswas the most important thing.
(13:04):
Um, but what I was giving them wasstress and, um, I realized I don't
want my kids to choose a path becausethey feel indebted to me because
of what I have sacrificed for them.
I want them to live their ownlife, make their own choices.
(13:26):
So if my kids choose to bemusicians, that's great.
And if they don't choose to bemusicians, that's great too.
I want them to be happy, andI want them to make their own
choices, and that's great.
I'm, I'm just realizing more and more,um, that, that, that was not, I, what I
(13:48):
felt like I was, uh, doing was settingthem up for success and I, and I wasn't.
So, things have changed and life hasgotten much more pleasant for all of us.
And I have started pursuingsome of my goals and interests.
And my kids are seeing that too.
(14:10):
Sometimes there are things that I havescheduled, and sometimes that means that
I can't take them to their friend's houseimmediately, and they're going to have
to wait an hour until I'm available.
And I still am there for theirconcerts and their games and all of
the things, but I'm making time for me.
(14:31):
I, I was an empty shell before,and now I'm filling myself
up again, and I, I love it.
I, it's invigorating, it's exciting, andI am hoping that other moms can figure
this out before they're 20 years in.
That they can figure out that their kidscan be successful and happy without the
(14:55):
mom giving everything, every part ofherself, and giving them that pressure.
Um, So for me, I, Ithink that's a, a lesson.
Obviously, I think I'm a littlemore extreme than some people, but
I think all moms could use a littlemore time to take care of yourself.
(15:18):
And I think we hear a lot aboutself care and sometimes we think
that's a bubble bath or indulgingin watching your favorite show,
but sometimes the self care is.
It's filling yourself up withthings that you really enjoy,
things that spark your spirit.
And whether that's getting a job outsideof your home, or starting a business,
(15:43):
or finding something educationalthat excites you, I think everyone
needs something like that that canreally ignite you and make you feel
alive and like you are progressing.
Because life is about progressing.
And our kids need to see us making changesand becoming better and progressing.
(16:07):
So that's, that's my story.
I feel really passionate abouthelping moms find their identity
and purpose beyond motherhood.
Because it's possible to have both.
It's very possible to be a good momand, and to have something else.
(16:27):
Um, So, I've started a Facebookgroup, I'm a mom and, that supports
women in finding their and.
And, Figuring out whatit is that sparks you.
I love that so much.
Your story is incredible, and Irelated to so many parts of it.
I took two pages of notes, so we'll justkind of debrief the takeaways, and you
(16:51):
embedded so many takeaways into that,and I love just hearing your message.
So thank you for sharing that, andthank you for articulating it so well.
for letting me.
Yes, you're welcome.
My book is called Let YourselfBloom, and I feel like that
first word is just so key.
Let yourself bloom, allow,give yourself permission.
(17:13):
And as you mentioned, the awareness is thefirst piece and it's most of the solution.
As you become aware of what yourcircumstances are and the life
that you wanna create, you'll bemuch better equipped to do that.
I love too, how you said that as we.
Get this and as we have these passionsand interests, it'll fuel our fire.
(17:35):
We'll be able to combat the burnoutbecause we'll have something under
us, driving us, filling us up, notjust remaining in that empty shell.
Really just Nurturing ourselvesas we're nurturing our children.
So that was fantastic.
The best stories are moments ofrealization and transformation,
and you hit it right on the headwith your realization that you
(17:58):
were living through your kids.
And I, I love that you talkedto both sides of that because
you were giving them so much.
You were being a great mom.
You know, in an outsider's eye,but it was costing you yourself.
And so I love that point to just, areyou living through your kids, you know,
(18:18):
and maybe it's something else for you,but just getting that awareness in the
area that maybe you're overextending orovercompensating for a certain other area.
I feel like moms can relateto this too, because.
We're so proud of our children.
We love them.
We love seeing their accomplishments.
And sometimes we take the ownership orwe take the attachment of their dreams.
(18:41):
And so I feel like once we canseparate it, then we can get that
ownership back to us and back to them.
And, and, and, and, and, Almost kind ofstep back and see what they do, because
we've heard the phrase helicopterparenting, and it almost seems like that.
When you are too invested, youare too helpful, they don't get to
learn those skills on their own.
(19:02):
So I, again, I just love all the,the points that you brought up.
And I hear women say too, like, Oh, weneed to work on your school project.
It's not we, it's they're working on it.
Yes, you can be there.
You can be their cheerleader.
You can.
Help them through sticky spots,but it's not your project.
It's their project.
Absolutely.
(19:23):
Okay.
Let me go to my other page of notes.
Right at the beginning, you, you broughtin that point, these expectations and
just motherhood, you walk into this newrole and there are so many expectations.
There's so many examples that you've hadin your life of women who are moms and
(19:45):
Yeah, it's just interesting that we, wefeel the need to meet those expectations.
Once we can redefine them forourselves, we'll know when we're being
a good mom, because we've defined it.
It's not nebulous.
It's not too far out of reach.
It's something that that wecan then work on ourself.
(20:06):
That poignant question,what are you doing for you?
Yes, so true.
I feel like, yes, moms are so good atgiving to their kids and they have been
for generations, but we need to, youknow, the pendulum swings both sides.
We need to bring back a little bit moreof that self care into us and finding
what truly lights up and is meaningful.
(20:31):
Were there any other thoughts that youhad towards your story and how was it
as you reflected on this story today?
Um, it was, it was interestingreflecting and I think it's also
interesting the change in mykids since, since all of this.
Um, my daughter is now in college andshe is, um, taking her time and deciding
(20:59):
what she wants to do, but she's, um,She's happy and, um, and my son is, my
oldest son is, um, on a church missionfor two years and he thinks he wants
to study music, but he's not sure.
And he's starting to seesome reasons, maybe, that he
(21:19):
didn't get into that college.
And he's starting to see benefits ofhim going to potentially to some other
places and, um, For me as a mom, it'sbeen helpful for me to step back and let
my kids figure things out on their own alittle bit and just let them come to me
when they're, when they have questionsinstead of me trying to push them along
(21:44):
and, and make too many decisions for them.
So true.
I love that you circled back around.
That's another element in storytelling.
It's whatever questionsyou raise, you then answer.
So without even realizing that you didthat in filling the machine up, the
story of your son and your childrenand seeing where they're at now.
That's so fantastic.
(22:06):
And with being a mom, I I'veseen how, when you are empowered,
your children are empowered.
And so I, I, I can see that yourchildren see this new version of you
or they see how life is different andthey're taking back the ownership and
they're, they're figuring things out.
So yeah, what a great giftto give to your children.
(22:28):
We're hard on ourselves as moms, butreally, you know, both paths were good.
And they were needed at the time andyou've learned lessons along the way And
there's no shame in that but now that yourawareness is there You're you're living
life differently and in my life I feellike the thing that I do is I do I fill
my life up to the brim kind of as youwere saying with your children like you
(22:51):
Enrolled them in all of these differentthings and you felt like you needed to
Fill your life up with your boys afteryour daughter having experienced that and
I feel that habit in myself You And I readthe book Essentialism by Greg McKeown,
and he talks about the word priority andhow We've pluralized it into priorities,
(23:12):
but I, I do kind of bounce around to a lotof different interests and I felt guilty
about that for a while, but he explainedthat that is the way of the essentialist.
Once you've explored all these areas, onceyou've done it a certain way, then you
can understand what truly matters most.
And, um, Arrange yourschedule to reflect that.
So as I've explored all these things,I used to be in three book clubs, I
(23:33):
love all of these social activities.
As I've explored them, now I'mstarting to pare my life down
into what truly matters most.
So I'm in only one book club, Iam only doing this, this, this.
Because yeah, my life was full tothe brim, and I would see people 20
years older than me in their life.
They were just running around like crazy,and I'm, you know, I was thinking, I
don't want to be that person in 20 years.
(23:53):
So what steps can Imake now to change that?
And it's hard because it is a habitor it's what you've always known.
And, but just making those smallsteps and doing it along the way
will create bigger results over time.
Yes, for sure.
Great.
Well, this has been afabulous conversation.
I loved just hearingyour story interrupted.
(24:14):
That was one of my visions forthis podcast was just let's
listen to these women's stories.
Before we leave, we will have you sharea mom squad secret with our community.
What would you like to pass along today?
I think it's important togive yourself some time back.
Bye.
Giving your family someof the responsibilities.
(24:37):
Um, one thing I feel like I havedone really well as a mom is
give my kids responsibilities.
When they're ten years old,they're doing their own laundry.
They're, um, especially during thesummers, they have a night that
they cook, plan, and cook dinner.
Um, and when my two adult children,um, Left the home, our home.
(25:00):
They said they couldn't believe howmany of their roommates and friends
had no idea how to use a washingmachine and Couldn't cook simple foods.
So I think that that frees up some ofyour time as a mom and It gives your kids
valuable skills that they can take withthem into the world that will be helpful
(25:21):
for the rest of their lives Win win!
I love that so much.
Yes, give yourself space by delegating.
Love it.
Okay, well, we will be in touch for sure.
Our missions align so well, so I can'twait to work with you further and I'm
excited to share this with my listeners.
Well, thank you so much.
LYB_OUTRO (25:41):
Thank you for joining us on Let Yourself Bloom,
where we embrace the beauty ofbalancing motherhood and ambition.
I hope today's episode has inspiredyou to nurture your dreams while
being the incredible mom that you are.
Remember, it's not justabout finding balance.
It's about thriving inall aspects of your life.
If you enjoyed today's conversation,be sure to subscribe, leave a
(26:01):
review and share this podcastwith other amazing women.
And if you're the kind of person wholoves to watch podcasts, you can find
this podcast on my YouTube channel atlet yourself bloom underscore with Jen
Banks, or on the ride the wave mediapodcast network, YouTube channel.
Remember to stay connected withus on social media at let yourself
bloom underscore with Jen Banksand join our community to keep
(26:22):
blooming together until next time.
Keep dreaming, keep growingand let yourself bloom.
Welcome to Let Yourself Bloom, the podcast where motherhood
and ambition coexist beautifully.
I'm your host, Jen Banks, and in eachepisode, we'll dive deep into the
journey of being more than a mom.
Here, we believe that you can loveyour children deeply and still have
room to nurture your own dreams.
Picture this, a life where you don'thave to choose between career and family.
(00:30):
Where you can be inspired bystories of women who have boldly
stepped into their dual roles.
Together, we'll explore how to balance,grow, and thrive in every season of life.
Our guests will share theirpersonal stories of finding
identity beyond motherhood.
Proving that you can hold both yourfamily and your ambitions in your heart.
We'll talk about the seasons oflife, embracing our unique paths,
(00:53):
and giving ourselves permissionto bloom whenever we're ready.
Whether you're a working mom of two ordreaming of a bigger family, whether
you're a stay at home mom seeking more, ora career driven woman balancing the chaos.
This podcast is for you.
Listen in and let the stories, advice,and community support you in becoming
the fullest version of yourself.
(01:16):
Tune in, be inspired, and remember,you are worthy of the same love
and care you give to others.
Welcome to Let Yourself Bloom.
Let's grow together.
I am here today with Susan Hart.
She proclaims that she is amom and I love that statement.
It is so true.
(01:37):
There are so many thingsthat we can hold both.
And sometimes we think ofthe all or nothing mentality,
but we really can be both.
So I love that you are owningthat and proclaiming it.
And I'm so excited to haveyou on the podcast today.
Well, thanks for having me.
I'm really excited to be here.
Yes.
Before we begin our interview, orthis is actually the first Bloom
(01:59):
Stories podcast of the season.
I'm so excited to offer these oncea month, it'll be a guest sharing an
uninterrupted story that will kindof debrief afterwards and reflect
on the elements of your life thathave brought you to this point.
I have a question for you.
I have this.
Tabletopics deck and I willjust pull out a question and we
(02:23):
will see what your answer is.
Hey
The question says, what are yourfavorite kinds of books to read?
That is kind of a hard one for me.
I have a degree in English, soI have done a lot of reading.
Um, right now my favorite is non fiction.
I just love absorbing informationand learning everything I
(02:46):
can on a variety of topics.
Um, right now, currently, I'mlearning a lot about real estate.
So, that's, that's my currentreading, uh, fetish, I guess.
I love that.
You and I are very similar in that way.
I love self help books.
I can't get enough andI love to learn more.
So my book coming out next monthis a self help, Let Yourself Bloom.
(03:10):
So good, good.
Okay.
Well, we are going to listen to Susan'sstory about being a mom and Great.
I'm really excited to sharewith you my story today.
I always wanted to be a mom,as long as I can remember.
I am the third of eleven children,and my husband is the oldest of six.
(03:34):
So, we got married thinking thatwe were going to have eight kids.
Um, obviously, our parentsnever had trouble having kids.
So, we assumed we'd be able tohave kids whenever we wanted,
and as many as we wanted.
But, that was not the situation for us.
So, after a couple years of Failedinfertility treatments, we decided
(03:57):
that we would try to adopt.
So, we were young college studentsand quite poor, but we, um, saved
and we, uh, got everything ready.
We did interviews, we did backgroundchecks, we had all of our paperwork
ready, and we learned that I was pregnant.
(04:18):
So, that was a great miracle.
We were so excited.
Um, So our first child is a daughterand she was born with a variety
of special needs, which we didn'tknow about until she was born.
So the first several years of her lifewere jam packed with physical therapy,
(04:39):
occupational therapy, speech therapy,vision therapy, and a whole slew of
doctor and specialist appointments.
So my life was really centeredon her and revolved around her.
giving her everything that she needed.
Um, the doctors told us that shewould likely never walk or read.
(05:02):
Um, so I kind of made it mymission to prove them wrong.
So, um, by the time she was two anda half, she took her first steps.
And by the time she started kindergarten,she was reading at a first grade level.
And, um, That was somethingthat I took a lot of pride in.
I was really excited about that,um, success for her and for me.
(05:28):
Uh, then we have three precocious boys andthey are, um, lively and fun and exciting.
And I think I was so used to having mylife filled with everything for my child,
from my daughter, that I felt like Ineeded to keep doing that with my boys.
(05:49):
So when my daughter turnedthree, she, um, started going to
preschool a few days a week, andit was a special needs preschool.
So she started getting a lotof her therapies at school, uh,
which freed up some of my time.
So I started my, my second childin, um, cello lessons when he was
(06:10):
four years old, and it was intense.
I would go with him to the lessons,and I would take notes, and write
down everything the teacher wantedus to do and then we would practice
together for an hour a day.
And then we had our third childand we did the same with him.
So I was kind of stacking allof that on top of each other.
(06:32):
Hours of music practicingevery day with the kids.
Um, and our daughter also played theviolin and she, um, her journey was
a little bit different than theirsbecause it couldn't be quite as intense.
But, um, but still I was still my lifewith a lot of, a lot of kids stuff.
(06:52):
Um, a lot of music and alot of driving and still um,
appointments for my daughter.
We also have a child with um,celiac disease and so there was um,
appointments for that and variousother things for that as well.
Um, and then school brought aroundall of the other school activities.
(07:14):
activities and sports and we had, um,afterschool orchestra and the kids were
involved in music camps and festivalsand competitions and student government
and all of the, all of the things.
So, um, I felt like I wanted to givemy kids every possible opportunity.
(07:35):
So if there was something theywanted to do, then I said yes.
And if there was something I feltthat they needed to do, then I
said, yes, you're doing this.
Um, And things got really hectic.
Um, when I was a first new mom,my mother in law said to me,
(07:56):
what are you doing for yourself?
And I thought, what do you meanwhat am I doing for myself?
I have a child.
I'm a mom.
That's what I do.
Um, and I think part of that was becausemy own mom had so many kids and she was
always busy with kids and with helpingneighbors and um being on the PTA.
(08:19):
She didn't ever take time for herself andmy mother in law was much better at taking
time for herself and her family could tellif she hadn't gotten her daily swimming.
They could tell and they wouldsay, Mom, you need to go swim.
Um, But for me, that's, thatwasn't something I was used to.
(08:40):
It's not something I ever thoughtabout really and um, and I should have.
So my mom even said to me several times,I'm worried that you're burning out.
I'm worried you're trying to doway too much and your kids will
be okay if you don't do so much.
(09:00):
They'll be better off if you kind ofpull back a little bit but I Um, we moved
to a small town and there weren't verymany academic opportunities and there
weren't any orchestra opportunities.
So we were driving an hour anda half each way for orchestra,
sometimes four or five days a week.
(09:20):
It, it was just, it was a lot.
And, um, finally we had,I had some breakthroughs.
Two events happened thatchanged everything for me.
First of all, this was 20 yearsinto my parenting journey.
(09:44):
My oldest son, my second child,
did not get into thecollege that he wanted to.
And that was a devastatingblow for him and for me.
I felt like we both had done everythingwe could and still didn't succeed.
So he had a 3.
(10:05):
9 GPA.
He was, had the highestACT score in the school.
He was in student government.
He was in sports.
He was in theater.
He was, uh, the head cellist in thetop orchestra for youth in the state.
We felt like we had sethim up for great success.
And so that was a huge blow.
(10:29):
Then the second thing that happenedwas my youngest child who is a
violinist, um, came to me and said,Mom, I don't want to do this anymore.
And he was an exceptional musician.
He had lessons from a great teacher.
Very excellent teacher.
(10:49):
Um, but there was too much pressure andhe had stopped, he stopped loving it
because it was just too much pressure.
His teacher often talked aboutthese are the things you need
to be doing now so that you'reready for a college scholarship.
Well, my son was 11 years old at the timeand he's being, you know, um, prepared
(11:11):
to, to, uh, participate in, in reallyhard competitions and that sort of thing.
And that was, it was just too much.
And, um, at first I was really crushedbecause my husband and I had always felt
like we wanted to give our kids music.
We knew it would help them academically.
(11:31):
We knew it would helpthem with discipline.
We felt like it was agood thing for them to do.
And that if we could get them tothe point that they were proficient
enough, they could choose if theywanted to study music in college or
not, but they would have the choice.
So, these two experiences both kindof, um, sent me reeling a little bit.
(11:56):
I didn't know, I didn'tknow where to go from there.
I felt like I had worked so hard to getmy kids, um, to be successful, and then we
had these two experiences that were hard.
So, I thought a lot about it, andafter the initial sting had worn off, I
(12:18):
realized I was living through my kids.
And I was taking credit for theirsuccesses, and I was taking blame for
their shortcomings and their mistakes.
And I was doing a real disserviceto my family by doing that.
(12:39):
I think my kids thought that you becomea parent and then your life is your kids.
And that's, that's notthe way it should be.
So for me that was a big wake up call.
I hadn't had my own personalgoals in years because I felt
like what I was giving my kidswas the most important thing.
(13:04):
Um, but what I was giving them wasstress and, um, I realized I don't
want my kids to choose a path becausethey feel indebted to me because
of what I have sacrificed for them.
I want them to live their ownlife, make their own choices.
(13:26):
So if my kids choose to bemusicians, that's great.
And if they don't choose to bemusicians, that's great too.
I want them to be happy, andI want them to make their own
choices, and that's great.
I'm, I'm just realizing more and more,um, that, that, that was not, I, what I
(13:48):
felt like I was, uh, doing was settingthem up for success and I, and I wasn't.
So, things have changed and life hasgotten much more pleasant for all of us.
And I have started pursuingsome of my goals and interests.
And my kids are seeing that too.
(14:10):
Sometimes there are things that I havescheduled, and sometimes that means that
I can't take them to their friend's houseimmediately, and they're going to have
to wait an hour until I'm available.
And I still am there for theirconcerts and their games and all of
the things, but I'm making time for me.
(14:31):
I, I was an empty shell before,and now I'm filling myself
up again, and I, I love it.
I, it's invigorating, it's exciting, andI am hoping that other moms can figure
this out before they're 20 years in.
That they can figure out that their kidscan be successful and happy without the
(14:55):
mom giving everything, every part ofherself, and giving them that pressure.
Um, So for me, I, Ithink that's a, a lesson.
Obviously, I think I'm a littlemore extreme than some people, but
I think all moms could use a littlemore time to take care of yourself.
(15:18):
And I think we hear a lot aboutself care and sometimes we think
that's a bubble bath or indulgingin watching your favorite show,
but sometimes the self care is.
It's filling yourself up withthings that you really enjoy,
things that spark your spirit.
And whether that's getting a job outsideof your home, or starting a business,
(15:43):
or finding something educationalthat excites you, I think everyone
needs something like that that canreally ignite you and make you feel
alive and like you are progressing.
Because life is about progressing.
And our kids need to see us making changesand becoming better and progressing.
(16:07):
So that's, that's my story.
I feel really passionate abouthelping moms find their identity
and purpose beyond motherhood.
Because it's possible to have both.
It's very possible to be a good momand, and to have something else.
(16:27):
Um, So, I've started a Facebookgroup, I'm a mom and, that supports
women in finding their and.
And, Figuring out whatit is that sparks you.
I love that so much.
Your story is incredible, and Irelated to so many parts of it.
I took two pages of notes, so we'll justkind of debrief the takeaways, and you
(16:51):
embedded so many takeaways into that,and I love just hearing your message.
So thank you for sharing that, andthank you for articulating it so well.
for letting me.
Yes, you're welcome.
My book is called Let YourselfBloom, and I feel like that
first word is just so key.
Let yourself bloom, allow,give yourself permission.
(17:13):
And as you mentioned, the awareness is thefirst piece and it's most of the solution.
As you become aware of what yourcircumstances are and the life
that you wanna create, you'll bemuch better equipped to do that.
I love too, how you said that as we.
Get this and as we have these passionsand interests, it'll fuel our fire.
(17:35):
We'll be able to combat the burnoutbecause we'll have something under
us, driving us, filling us up, notjust remaining in that empty shell.
Really just Nurturing ourselvesas we're nurturing our children.
So that was fantastic.
The best stories are moments ofrealization and transformation,
and you hit it right on the headwith your realization that you
(17:58):
were living through your kids.
And I, I love that you talkedto both sides of that because
you were giving them so much.
You were being a great mom.
You know, in an outsider's eye,but it was costing you yourself.
And so I love that point to just, areyou living through your kids, you know,
(18:18):
and maybe it's something else for you,but just getting that awareness in the
area that maybe you're overextending orovercompensating for a certain other area.
I feel like moms can relateto this too, because.
We're so proud of our children.
We love them.
We love seeing their accomplishments.
And sometimes we take the ownership orwe take the attachment of their dreams.
(18:41):
And so I feel like once we canseparate it, then we can get that
ownership back to us and back to them.
And, and, and, and, and, Almost kind ofstep back and see what they do, because
we've heard the phrase helicopterparenting, and it almost seems like that.
When you are too invested, youare too helpful, they don't get to
learn those skills on their own.
(19:02):
So I, again, I just love all the,the points that you brought up.
And I hear women say too, like, Oh, weneed to work on your school project.
It's not we, it's they're working on it.
Yes, you can be there.
You can be their cheerleader.
You can.
Help them through sticky spots,but it's not your project.
It's their project.
Absolutely.
(19:23):
Okay.
Let me go to my other page of notes.
Right at the beginning, you, you broughtin that point, these expectations and
just motherhood, you walk into this newrole and there are so many expectations.
There's so many examples that you've hadin your life of women who are moms and
(19:45):
Yeah, it's just interesting that we, wefeel the need to meet those expectations.
Once we can redefine them forourselves, we'll know when we're being
a good mom, because we've defined it.
It's not nebulous.
It's not too far out of reach.
It's something that that wecan then work on ourself.
(20:06):
That poignant question,what are you doing for you?
Yes, so true.
I feel like, yes, moms are so good atgiving to their kids and they have been
for generations, but we need to, youknow, the pendulum swings both sides.
We need to bring back a little bit moreof that self care into us and finding
what truly lights up and is meaningful.
(20:31):
Were there any other thoughts that youhad towards your story and how was it
as you reflected on this story today?
Um, it was, it was interestingreflecting and I think it's also
interesting the change in mykids since, since all of this.
Um, my daughter is now in college andshe is, um, taking her time and deciding
(20:59):
what she wants to do, but she's, um,She's happy and, um, and my son is, my
oldest son is, um, on a church missionfor two years and he thinks he wants
to study music, but he's not sure.
And he's starting to seesome reasons, maybe, that he
(21:19):
didn't get into that college.
And he's starting to see benefits ofhim going to potentially to some other
places and, um, For me as a mom, it'sbeen helpful for me to step back and let
my kids figure things out on their own alittle bit and just let them come to me
when they're, when they have questionsinstead of me trying to push them along
(21:44):
and, and make too many decisions for them.
So true.
I love that you circled back around.
That's another element in storytelling.
It's whatever questionsyou raise, you then answer.
So without even realizing that you didthat in filling the machine up, the
story of your son and your childrenand seeing where they're at now.
That's so fantastic.
(22:06):
And with being a mom, I I'veseen how, when you are empowered,
your children are empowered.
And so I, I, I can see that yourchildren see this new version of you
or they see how life is different andthey're taking back the ownership and
they're, they're figuring things out.
So yeah, what a great giftto give to your children.
(22:28):
We're hard on ourselves as moms, butreally, you know, both paths were good.
And they were needed at the time andyou've learned lessons along the way And
there's no shame in that but now that yourawareness is there You're you're living
life differently and in my life I feellike the thing that I do is I do I fill
my life up to the brim kind of as youwere saying with your children like you
(22:51):
Enrolled them in all of these differentthings and you felt like you needed to
Fill your life up with your boys afteryour daughter having experienced that and
I feel that habit in myself You And I readthe book Essentialism by Greg McKeown,
and he talks about the word priority andhow We've pluralized it into priorities,
(23:12):
but I, I do kind of bounce around to a lotof different interests and I felt guilty
about that for a while, but he explainedthat that is the way of the essentialist.
Once you've explored all these areas, onceyou've done it a certain way, then you
can understand what truly matters most.
And, um, Arrange yourschedule to reflect that.
So as I've explored all these things,I used to be in three book clubs, I
(23:33):
love all of these social activities.
As I've explored them, now I'mstarting to pare my life down
into what truly matters most.
So I'm in only one book club, Iam only doing this, this, this.
Because yeah, my life was full tothe brim, and I would see people 20
years older than me in their life.
They were just running around like crazy,and I'm, you know, I was thinking, I
don't want to be that person in 20 years.
(23:53):
So what steps can Imake now to change that?
And it's hard because it is a habitor it's what you've always known.
And, but just making those smallsteps and doing it along the way
will create bigger results over time.
Yes, for sure.
Great.
Well, this has been afabulous conversation.
I loved just hearingyour story interrupted.
(24:14):
That was one of my visions forthis podcast was just let's
listen to these women's stories.
Before we leave, we will have you sharea mom squad secret with our community.
What would you like to pass along today?
I think it's important togive yourself some time back.
Bye.
Giving your family someof the responsibilities.
(24:37):
Um, one thing I feel like I havedone really well as a mom is
give my kids responsibilities.
When they're ten years old,they're doing their own laundry.
They're, um, especially during thesummers, they have a night that
they cook, plan, and cook dinner.
Um, and when my two adult children,um, Left the home, our home.
(25:00):
They said they couldn't believe howmany of their roommates and friends
had no idea how to use a washingmachine and Couldn't cook simple foods.
So I think that that frees up some ofyour time as a mom and It gives your kids
valuable skills that they can take withthem into the world that will be helpful
(25:21):
for the rest of their lives Win win!
I love that so much.
Yes, give yourself space by delegating.
Love it.
Okay, well, we will be in touch for sure.
Our missions align so well, so I can'twait to work with you further and I'm
excited to share this with my listeners.
Well, thank you so much.
LYB_OUTRO (25:41):
Thank you for joining us on Let Yourself Bloom,
where we embrace the beauty ofbalancing motherhood and ambition.
I hope today's episode has inspiredyou to nurture your dreams while
being the incredible mom that you are.
Remember, it's not justabout finding balance.
It's about thriving inall aspects of your life.
If you enjoyed today's conversation,be sure to subscribe, leave a
(26:01):
review and share this podcastwith other amazing women.
And if you're the kind of person wholoves to watch podcasts, you can find
this podcast on my YouTube channel atlet yourself bloom underscore with Jen
Banks, or on the ride the wave mediapodcast network, YouTube channel.
Remember to stay connected withus on social media at let yourself
bloom underscore with Jen Banksand join our community to keep
(26:22):
blooming together until next time.
Keep dreaming, keep growingand let yourself bloom.
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