March 4, 2025 • 24 mins
🚨 5 Signs of a Toxic Relationship You Should NEVER Ignore
Are you in a toxic relationship without even realising it?
In this episode, we break down the 5 major red flags that could be affecting your relationship and your mental well-being. Whether you’re in a long-term partnership or just starting out, understanding these warning signs can help you make better decisions about your love life!
📌 In This Episode, We Cover: ✔ What really makes a relationship toxic vs. just having normal struggles ✔ The 5 Biggest T.O.X.I.C warning signs to watch out for 🚩 ✔ How to know if your partner is manipulating or gaslighting you ✔ The difference between healthy vs. toxic communication ✔ What to do if you recognise these toxic traits in your relationship
✔ How to find compassion & forgiveness for a toxic partner
💡 Why Listen?
- Relationships affect every part of our lives—don’t ignore the signs that something isn’t right.
- Gain practical insights to help you navigate love and avoid common pitfalls.
- Learn how to communicate better and build a stronger, healthier connection.
📲 Join the Conversation!
- Ask us a question for a future episode → https://8wollkit3tb.typeform.com/to/OFBugpyy
- Drop your thoughts in the comments - have you ever been in a toxic relationship?
——————————
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Shop Here: https://nexusnutrition.com/stephanie
*We highly recommend their Protein Waters!
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TAGS:
#ToxicRelationship #RelationshipAdvice #Podcast #DatingTips #RedFlags #LoveAndCommunication
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Coming up on the Steph and Jamie Podcast (00:00):
How to identify whether a relationship is toxic.
I know that we've had many discussions in ourrelationship being together for a long time.
Some of these toxic traits.
The longer you are together, themore likelihood that some of your
toxic traits are going to come out.
Now, does that mean thatyou're a toxic person?
(00:21):
Does that mean you'rein a toxic relationship?
Well, that's what we'regoing to discuss today.
What is the difference?
Welcome to the Steph and Jamie Podcast.
Learn what she's feelingand what he's thinking.
Let's begin.
So we thought for this episode, wedecided to take a bit of a gamble and
put something out on our Instagram story.
(00:42):
If you're not following us on Instagram,make sure you go and do that now.
We asked the followers on there,uh, what would you like to ask us?
Is there a question out there thatmaybe we could provide some insight
based on our experience, um, andsee if that could be helpful.
And we did have someone write in,which we thought was a good topic
to share, uh, in this episode.
(01:02):
And the question went somethingalong the lines of, how to identify
whether a relationship is toxic.
From what I saw, it was kind oflike, he tells me it's just a serious
relationship, but that's just how itis, I think was the main consensus.
I think that's common in long, we talka lot about like dating and courting,
(01:23):
and we don't talk often enough about.
Like long term partnerships and what islike healthy and not healthy and I know
that that is a wide spectrum, but I thinktoday we'll talk about some of the things
that could be concerning to you that wewant to validate and I know that we've
had many discussions in our relationshipwhen we've found being together for a
(01:46):
long time some of these toxic traits
Yeah, I would say that if you are in a longterm relationship, you are both, at certain
periods within the relationship, at certaintimes, going to present toxic traits.
Now, does that mean that the relationshipI presented a few before this episode.
(02:08):
I'm like, Jamie, do you need togo outside and, and blow a gasket?
He's like No comment.
No comment.
You can see it.
You can see it.
Yeah.
Like twitching.
What I was going to say is that, um, Weare all, the longer you are together,
the more likelihood that some of yourtoxic traits are going to come out.
Now that, does that meanthat you're a toxic person?
(02:28):
Does that mean you'rein a toxic relationship?
Well, that's what we'regoing to discuss today.
What is the difference?
What is the difference?
What is the difference?
But I definitely think that itis Worth knowing that, that let's
start this by just acknowledgingthat no relationship is perfect.
So you are going to, uh, you know,inevitably face different challenges.
(02:49):
Um, that's just a part of the game.
So I feel like with social media,especially with like romantic movies
or whatever, like it's often painted,uh, this glorious picture that within a
relationship, everything should be perfect.
Uh, there's never any conflict.
And if it is, that will get resolvedand we'll end up in a better place.
Passionate lovemaking session andeverything will be great, but ultimately,
(03:11):
that's not always how it works.
So let's just start by acknowledging thefact that no relationship is perfect.
To help you navigate this whole concept,or even just to help myself navigate this
concept, what I did was create a bit of anacronym around the word toxic to help you
identify and Did you make this up yourself?
I did make it up myself.
(03:32):
Or you chapped your beard?
No, I Chappy?
I Jamie GPT'd it, I promise.
No, I really did.
I was trying to ask myself, howin the world do you differentiate,
um, a toxic relationship versus arelationship that is just having some
troubles, which they all inevitably do.
Okay, let's hear it.
I came up with some traits and thingsthat you can identify to pinpoint
(03:53):
whether or not this actually is.
a bad environment.
I'll present it to you and then you cangive me your feedback and see if you think
I'm on the money or if I'm off the money.
Okay.
Okay.
For toxic, T. T stands for threaten.
Are they threatening you?
Now, generally, as an example, I thinkthat many women might tend to threaten
(04:14):
a relationship, uh, one of two ways.
Um, obviously there can be manyways, but I'm going to categorize
these things into most common.
Um, the first one would be a,um, withdrawal of intimacy.
Or just energy.
Energy, yep.
I think that that's common for bothmen and women, but generally speaking,
let's go ahead and say that womenare often the gatekeepers of sex.
(04:38):
And they can very easily take thataway, uh, if they're not happy.
Um, now if you are in a committedrelationship, that probably brings up
a whole other subject as to, you know,whether or not that should be, Is it a duty?
Is it a luxury?
What is it?
That's a whole nother episode.
That is a whole nother episode,which we can maybe dive into
another one if that's of interest.
Um, but generally speaking, awithdrawal of intimacy is the first
(05:00):
way that a woman might often threaten.
So if I'm not happy or, you know, tough luck,I'm not going to sleep with you anymore.
Or the other way might bethreatened to leave or threatened
to divorce or whatever it might be.
So, you know, if you're notbehaving in the way that I want,
uh, change now or I'll leave.
Now, the way that it often presentsin men, a threatening behavior, would
typically be, um, if the man is incontrol of, let's say, the finances, uh,
(05:25):
he might withdraw the access to money.
So, for example, if you're not goingto do what I want, well then you
can't buy this, you can't buy that.
Um, that's a pretty common one.
Or it could be violent.
Yeah.
So you threaten behavior, behaviorwith violence or his words.
Men that use their, you know, theirphysical dominance to basically control,
uh, the woman that they are with.
(05:46):
Now, in my opinion, you can, uh, disagreewith me if you want, but under no
circumstance, uh, should any of those thingsbe condoned or allowed, and I would say
that, you know, All of those traits, uh,could very easily be considered as toxic
or at least a red flag to be mindful of.
There are certain situations, I have tobe careful what I say because everyone,
(06:09):
uh, gets very critical on that, butthere are certain situations where,
obviously, maybe there might be timeswhere, you know, the woman isn't just
Feeling like she's into the man and maybeshe does want to withdraw a little bit.
There might be certain times wherethe man is on a budget and he might
have to say, you know, rein it back.
There are obviously exceptions to theserules, um, but this is just a place to start.
(06:30):
I think that if someone is abusingthose things and making it a common
pattern in their relationship, thenthis is where I would be concerned.
So that's trait number one.
Are they threatening you?
Trait number two.
We've done T, next is O. O was oppression.
Are they oppressing you?
(06:51):
Meaning, are they making your lifeunnecessarily difficult and belittling you?
With every accomplishment, let's say, thatyou might do, with every nice gesture that
you might make, are they saying to you,you know, it's ultimately not good enough?
Yeah.
I think that this is a pretty toxic traitand something that should absolutely be
(07:13):
recognized or be at least mindful of.
Yeah.
I don't think anyone should be berated.
Mm. I think.
Like.
Um, if you've got an issue with yourpartner, just talk it out, or if
they're doing something that triggersyou, just have a conversation.
I think that you can have a veryhealthy relationship with communication.
(07:34):
Again, it can be very easyto have a little stab.
Like if you're in a really bad mood,um, maybe you do, you know, throw
out some verbal vomit on each otherand say things that you might regret.
Yeah.
But the question is, you know, ifthat does happen, uh, do you then
come back around and be like, look.
I'm really sorry.
Correct.
You know, I was out of line.
Do you take responsibility?
(07:56):
Or are you just like, they deserve that.
Correct.
And this is again, like, um, going backto the starting point, um, it can be
difficult to differentiate these things,but if these things are present and Present
and constant, I think, is the key here.
Yeah.
Because like you said, like, when Weare human and none of us are perfect
(08:17):
and there is going to be times wherewe say and do things we don't mean
or step out of line or screw up.
Um, there has to be some grace for that, butas long as there is communication upon that
and then, like you said, that apology andyou're recognizing that you've done the wrong
thing and taking responsibility for that, Ithink that there is an exception to the rule.
Definitely.
But yeah, if it's just this constantand it's nasty and it gets nastier.
(08:44):
And lower.
Low starts getting real low grade.
Low blows, they call them, I guess.
Um, yeah, I think, Ithink that that's a worry.
I think that's not headingin a good direction.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
So, the next letter,letter number three, is X.
You're going to have to X ray.
Do you go to school?
(09:05):
Or do you have to go out with some Xylophone.
What I was going to say was you'regoing to have to excuse me because
I'm making a little, I'm bending therules a little bit and adding an E
before the X. Oh, you can't do that.
Come on.
Just say excuse me with an X and own it.
Okay, we're going to use Excuse,we don't know how to spell.
We will modify the word.
(09:25):
The word was exclude.
What do I mean by that?
I mean, are they Excluding youfrom accessing, let's say, their
finances, their social media, theiraccessibility to their phones.
Secrecy.
Secrecy.
Are they excluding things from you?
Um, which we know is inevitably going to leadto, you know, lying, which will break trust,
(09:50):
which will lead down a whole world of issues.
But from our perspective, uh, there isno reason, uh, to not include, uh, your
partner into whatever your business is.
There's no reason to not have access toeach other's phones if that's necessary.
And if someone is overly Yeah.
(10:12):
I feel like that's a little worrisome.
Like I, I, that would make me paranoidas a partner, which then in turn would
activate a negative trait in me ofhaving to be constantly on the phone.
(10:35):
Uh, worried and not trust you and startgetting accusive of you because now
I feel like my trust is being abusedand it just brings out the worst.
I feel like.
We did an episode where I waslike, he can go through my phone.
Like he does heaps of stuff on my phone.
He has all the passwords.
We work together.
Like he has to be in my phone all the time.
So, and a lot of people were like,well, that's a little bit far.
(10:58):
Like that's unnecessary.
We were like, no, we like,we have nothing to hide.
Like you can go through it.
It's fine.
And I think, um, that really helpswith our trust with each other.
Yeah.
I think that like.
There might be certain, if you're witha person that's like checking your phone
every day and like trying to interrogateyou and find something on you and treating
(11:18):
you as if you've done something wrong whenyou haven't, um, obviously there's, there's
always going to be an exception to the rule.
Um, but I think that the general premiseof the point is that there shouldn't be.
Um, you know, exclusivity over your items orover your accounts or over whatever it is.
And if there is, um, you really haveto ask that person, why, why can
(11:41):
I not have access to your phone?
Why can I not see our bank accounts?
Why can I not, whatever it might be.
Um, and you know what?
Some people might be okay with that.
Like, I don't need to go through his phone.
I don't really care.
I don't want to find anything, whatever.
That's fine.
That's, that's how you process.
You're not a jealous person.
That's fine.
This is for the people that.
Uh, like playing the obvious, like, stay outof my stuff, like, do you know what I mean?
(12:05):
I feel like in a relationship,when you respect each other,
that's, you shouldn't open up.
A hundred percent.
And also we're trying toidentify the toxic traits.
The other toxic trait that will happenis if someone is all secret about
their phone or whatever it is, they'llthen make you feel like the crazy one.
Yeah.
You're just over the top.
You're like so controlling.
Yeah.
This is where thatgaslighting comes in, yeah.
(12:26):
You've got issues, you're just jealous.
Yeah, just because that happenedin your last relationship, it
doesn't mean that I'm doing it.
Don't put that on me.
That is bullshit.
B. If you know that happened in thelast relationship, then you know me,
and then you'll share that with mebecause you don't want me to go through
that again because you love me, right?
(12:46):
Not to mention, don't you think if they didreally love you, it shouldn't be that big
a deal, just that they might have to cater.
Maybe it's unnecessary.
Maybe it's extreme.
But if they did love you, don't you thinkthat that wouldn't be that much to ask?
Yeah.
You know?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Anyway, so that was point number three.
Be mindful of, uh, how much theyexclude you from certain things.
(13:08):
I think there should be alevel of inclusivity with all
of these different things.
Yeah.
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(13:31):
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(14:12):
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Correct.
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And also just a refreshing drink to enjoywhile you're out, back to the episode.
So moving on to Letter I in mytoxic acronym I was for Isolate.
(15:41):
Are they isolating youfrom either your friends?
Or your family.
This is, uh, super, super common and avery, you know, narcissistic type trait
when someone will intentionally pull youaway, uh, from your friends and try and, you
know, basically limit your access to them,or it might be your family, they might say,
(16:04):
you know, certain things about your familyand Firstly, like, no family's perfect.
Of course, um, your spouse or your partneris going to see things in your family that
you might not necessarily see because youlove them and you might have a bit of a
blind spot somewhere, so there might, again,there's always exceptions to the rule, but
if they're overly pointing out the negativeand overly trying to isolate your time away
(16:26):
from them so that they can take more of yourtime because they are so insecure that they
don't want you spending time with anyoneelse, It comes from a controlling nature.
Controlling nature, insecure nature, andnarcissistic nature in the sense that,
you know, they are trying to ultimatelycontrol you and they don't want to expose
you to other people because if you do haveexposure to other people, they lose control.
(16:49):
They lose control, but also it meansthat those other people can input
their opinion on their relationship.
Yep.
Or about that.
Correct.
And the percent things aren't going well,very human to want to vent that out to either
your friends and family, and when otherpeople hear it, given then that they're not
so close to the relationship, they mightsee things a bit clearer, and they might
(17:11):
say, oh geez, like That behavior isn't good.
Like, are you seeing this?
Are you seeing what I'm seeing?
Yeah.
And for a toxic person, they're notgoing to want to put you in that
environment and risk being exposed.
So a common thing that they will likelydo is isolate you from friends and family.
So the final letter in my toxic acronym,I was tossing up between two things
(17:34):
here, and I think that they are somewhatjoined and combined, um, and those two
qualities to watch out for was censorship.
And control.
And I think that thosetwo very closely relate.
I'd almost argue that controlreally is the overarching factor
with all of these different traits.
Like if someone's threatening, if someoneis trying to oppress you, if someone is
(17:59):
trying to exclude you from things, ifsomeone is trying to isolate you, then
ultimately that all does stem from control.
But I think censorship is a key one becauseI think that that can easily go unnoticed.
What do I mean by censorship?
I mean, are they trying to censoryour voice and your opinion?
You know, when you have a conversation withthem, is it a two sided conversation or is
(18:22):
it just a conversation that's going one way?
Is your opinion heard?
Are you heard?
Do you feel understood?
Or are they just essentially doingwhat you said before, gaslighting you,
uh, and really censoring your voice,censoring your opinion, and taking
your own independence away from you?
So, that you are ultimatelyunder their control.
(18:45):
Control.
Let's talk about, just so you can betterunderstand your partner, if he is someone
or she is someone that needs to be incontrol, where does that stem from?
I believe needing to have control inyour life is because when you were
younger, you were so out of control.
(19:06):
Meaning, you know, maybe yourparents worked all the time.
Maybe you struggled with learning atschool and you had teachers call you dumb.
Maybe, you know, something happenedto you where you lost control, like
where it wasn't even your fault.
Something happened to you where youcouldn't control what happened and
then you had to deal with the pain ofthat, whatever the circumstance may be.
(19:28):
Like, so many things can cause Ultimately.
A lack of control.
All of those things stemback to a lack of safety.
If someone goes through a traumatic eventor experience, uh, where they don't have
any control and control was removed fromthem, then inherently they're going to
want to gain control in other situations.
(19:49):
So they don't have to face thatsame situation or be exposed to
that same situation ever again.
So essentially what you're saying is.
If someone needs to control everything ina relationship, it's because they have.
A lack of safety or had when they wereyounger, or feel a lack of feeling safe.
(20:13):
Yeah.
Like, I think that there are, thereare genuinely some people out there
and you often hear about it, you know,you often hear it talked about so
casually, which is like, Oh, they werejust a psycho or they were a sociopath.
And those like, uh, conditionsdo exist where there are people
that have pretty bad intentions.
But I would argue that those people, andeven if you look at the numbers of this,
(20:36):
psychologically speaking, there are fewerof them than what you might realize.
The majority of the people thatare presenting these toxic traits
have just been through some shit.
Oh.
And it doesn't mean that theyare a toxic and awful person.
It just means that they're presentingbehaviors based off their experiences,
whatever they might have been through.
(20:57):
Yeah.
And it's manifesting in theirbehavior in a toxic way.
Now, I think you, as the partner, need to,you know, come to a decision as to whether
or not you can tolerate this, whether ornot Also, when you find out about it, can
you help that person heal or get a greaterunderstanding about who you're with?
Correct.
(21:18):
Can you, are you willing to stand bythem while they hopefully heal and grow
out of some of these traits becausethat's, I'd like to have some degree
of optimism about everyone is capableof changing, but at the same time you
have to respect yourself and your timeand what you can and can't tolerate.
What you can and can't tolerate.
That's what I was saying.
Yep.
So, these are some good things to reflecton, and if you are seeing these sort of
(21:44):
traits in your partner, don't be too quickto judge, like, understand where they're
coming from, see if you can help them beforeyou just write them off, that's definitely
not something that we would be proponentsof, but if you feel like you can't help
them and this is beyond your means, beyondyour capabilities or your tolerance,
then, you know, that's probably time.
To recognize the role that they played inyour life, appreciate them for teaching you,
(22:09):
you know, a different side of the coin, soto say, uh, and hopefully you can move into
whatever relationship comes next a little bitmore informed and ultimately grow from it.
Yeah.
It's not all doom and gloom.
I think that every experience can belearned from and we can grow from.
Well said.
However, if you are someone that isexperiencing these things to more the
extreme side, my heart goes out to you.
(22:32):
I hope that you are okay.
And reach out to family and get some help.
Reach out to someone and get help.
You don't have to.
You don't have to live like that.
You don't have to live like that.
You are your own person and you were put onthis, this planet, this earth for a reason
and you have the right to live your own life.
Amen.
So you don't have to succumb to somebody's.
(22:54):
Toxic traits.
Hmm.
If it's something that'scompletely ruining your own life.
Hmm.
In fact, you know what?
Reach out to us if that is you andyou just need someone to talk to.
We might not be able to solve everything,but we might be able to give you a
perspective and give you some help.
So I'm going to throw thatout there as a kind gesture.
(23:14):
Um, otherwise, guys.
Thank you for watching.
This was a bit of a shorter episode, a verydifferent context to what we have done in the
past, so we would love to get your feedback.
The couch was much comfierthan the chairs in the studio.
Definitely more relaxing.
Let us know if you actually like it here.
So make sure you subscribe toour channels all over the place.
(23:35):
You know where they are, wherever you'relistening from, we appreciate your support
and we're going to keep these rolling.
Sometimes we, we get a bitbusy, but they will keep coming.
And what I might also do is adda link in the description here.
If you want to ask a question that we couldpotentially cover in a future episode,
I'll load the link somewhere in thedescription of this podcast or on this video.
(23:57):
Uh, and if you're facing a certainsituation or circumstance, you can
add that in and we might end up.
Doing a chat just like thisone about your exact scenario.
So either comment, clicka link in the description.
We would love to get your thoughts,feedback, or hear about your situation and
then, uh, do a deep dive into that one.
(24:18):
But anyway, until next time,we'll see you on our next episode.
Thanks for listening.
Don't forget to follow usand leave a rating or review.
See you next time.
How to identify whether a relationship is toxic.
I know that we've had many discussions in ourrelationship being together for a long time.
Some of these toxic traits.
The longer you are together, themore likelihood that some of your
toxic traits are going to come out.
Now, does that mean thatyou're a toxic person?
(00:21):
Does that mean you'rein a toxic relationship?
Well, that's what we'regoing to discuss today.
What is the difference?
Welcome to the Steph and Jamie Podcast.
Learn what she's feelingand what he's thinking.
Let's begin.
So we thought for this episode, wedecided to take a bit of a gamble and
put something out on our Instagram story.
(00:42):
If you're not following us on Instagram,make sure you go and do that now.
We asked the followers on there,uh, what would you like to ask us?
Is there a question out there thatmaybe we could provide some insight
based on our experience, um, andsee if that could be helpful.
And we did have someone write in,which we thought was a good topic
to share, uh, in this episode.
(01:02):
And the question went somethingalong the lines of, how to identify
whether a relationship is toxic.
From what I saw, it was kind oflike, he tells me it's just a serious
relationship, but that's just how itis, I think was the main consensus.
I think that's common in long, we talka lot about like dating and courting,
(01:23):
and we don't talk often enough about.
Like long term partnerships and what islike healthy and not healthy and I know
that that is a wide spectrum, but I thinktoday we'll talk about some of the things
that could be concerning to you that wewant to validate and I know that we've
had many discussions in our relationshipwhen we've found being together for a
(01:46):
long time some of these toxic traits
Yeah, I would say that if you are in a longterm relationship, you are both, at certain
periods within the relationship, at certaintimes, going to present toxic traits.
Now, does that mean that the relationshipI presented a few before this episode.
(02:08):
I'm like, Jamie, do you need togo outside and, and blow a gasket?
He's like No comment.
No comment.
You can see it.
You can see it.
Yeah.
Like twitching.
What I was going to say is that, um, Weare all, the longer you are together,
the more likelihood that some of yourtoxic traits are going to come out.
Now that, does that meanthat you're a toxic person?
(02:28):
Does that mean you'rein a toxic relationship?
Well, that's what we'regoing to discuss today.
What is the difference?
What is the difference?
What is the difference?
But I definitely think that itis Worth knowing that, that let's
start this by just acknowledgingthat no relationship is perfect.
So you are going to, uh, you know,inevitably face different challenges.
(02:49):
Um, that's just a part of the game.
So I feel like with social media,especially with like romantic movies
or whatever, like it's often painted,uh, this glorious picture that within a
relationship, everything should be perfect.
Uh, there's never any conflict.
And if it is, that will get resolvedand we'll end up in a better place.
Passionate lovemaking session andeverything will be great, but ultimately,
(03:11):
that's not always how it works.
So let's just start by acknowledging thefact that no relationship is perfect.
To help you navigate this whole concept,or even just to help myself navigate this
concept, what I did was create a bit of anacronym around the word toxic to help you
identify and Did you make this up yourself?
I did make it up myself.
(03:32):
Or you chapped your beard?
No, I Chappy?
I Jamie GPT'd it, I promise.
No, I really did.
I was trying to ask myself, howin the world do you differentiate,
um, a toxic relationship versus arelationship that is just having some
troubles, which they all inevitably do.
Okay, let's hear it.
I came up with some traits and thingsthat you can identify to pinpoint
(03:53):
whether or not this actually is.
a bad environment.
I'll present it to you and then you cangive me your feedback and see if you think
I'm on the money or if I'm off the money.
Okay.
Okay.
For toxic, T. T stands for threaten.
Are they threatening you?
Now, generally, as an example, I thinkthat many women might tend to threaten
(04:14):
a relationship, uh, one of two ways.
Um, obviously there can be manyways, but I'm going to categorize
these things into most common.
Um, the first one would be a,um, withdrawal of intimacy.
Or just energy.
Energy, yep.
I think that that's common for bothmen and women, but generally speaking,
let's go ahead and say that womenare often the gatekeepers of sex.
(04:38):
And they can very easily take thataway, uh, if they're not happy.
Um, now if you are in a committedrelationship, that probably brings up
a whole other subject as to, you know,whether or not that should be, Is it a duty?
Is it a luxury?
What is it?
That's a whole nother episode.
That is a whole nother episode,which we can maybe dive into
another one if that's of interest.
Um, but generally speaking, awithdrawal of intimacy is the first
(05:00):
way that a woman might often threaten.
So if I'm not happy or, you know, tough luck,I'm not going to sleep with you anymore.
Or the other way might bethreatened to leave or threatened
to divorce or whatever it might be.
So, you know, if you're notbehaving in the way that I want,
uh, change now or I'll leave.
Now, the way that it often presentsin men, a threatening behavior, would
typically be, um, if the man is incontrol of, let's say, the finances, uh,
(05:25):
he might withdraw the access to money.
So, for example, if you're not goingto do what I want, well then you
can't buy this, you can't buy that.
Um, that's a pretty common one.
Or it could be violent.
Yeah.
So you threaten behavior, behaviorwith violence or his words.
Men that use their, you know, theirphysical dominance to basically control,
uh, the woman that they are with.
(05:46):
Now, in my opinion, you can, uh, disagreewith me if you want, but under no
circumstance, uh, should any of those thingsbe condoned or allowed, and I would say
that, you know, All of those traits, uh,could very easily be considered as toxic
or at least a red flag to be mindful of.
There are certain situations, I have tobe careful what I say because everyone,
(06:09):
uh, gets very critical on that, butthere are certain situations where,
obviously, maybe there might be timeswhere, you know, the woman isn't just
Feeling like she's into the man and maybeshe does want to withdraw a little bit.
There might be certain times wherethe man is on a budget and he might
have to say, you know, rein it back.
There are obviously exceptions to theserules, um, but this is just a place to start.
(06:30):
I think that if someone is abusingthose things and making it a common
pattern in their relationship, thenthis is where I would be concerned.
So that's trait number one.
Are they threatening you?
Trait number two.
We've done T, next is O. O was oppression.
Are they oppressing you?
(06:51):
Meaning, are they making your lifeunnecessarily difficult and belittling you?
With every accomplishment, let's say, thatyou might do, with every nice gesture that
you might make, are they saying to you,you know, it's ultimately not good enough?
Yeah.
I think that this is a pretty toxic traitand something that should absolutely be
(07:13):
recognized or be at least mindful of.
Yeah.
I don't think anyone should be berated.
Mm. I think.
Like.
Um, if you've got an issue with yourpartner, just talk it out, or if
they're doing something that triggersyou, just have a conversation.
I think that you can have a veryhealthy relationship with communication.
(07:34):
Again, it can be very easyto have a little stab.
Like if you're in a really bad mood,um, maybe you do, you know, throw
out some verbal vomit on each otherand say things that you might regret.
Yeah.
But the question is, you know, ifthat does happen, uh, do you then
come back around and be like, look.
I'm really sorry.
Correct.
You know, I was out of line.
Do you take responsibility?
(07:56):
Or are you just like, they deserve that.
Correct.
And this is again, like, um, going backto the starting point, um, it can be
difficult to differentiate these things,but if these things are present and Present
and constant, I think, is the key here.
Yeah.
Because like you said, like, when Weare human and none of us are perfect
(08:17):
and there is going to be times wherewe say and do things we don't mean
or step out of line or screw up.
Um, there has to be some grace for that, butas long as there is communication upon that
and then, like you said, that apology andyou're recognizing that you've done the wrong
thing and taking responsibility for that, Ithink that there is an exception to the rule.
Definitely.
But yeah, if it's just this constantand it's nasty and it gets nastier.
(08:44):
And lower.
Low starts getting real low grade.
Low blows, they call them, I guess.
Um, yeah, I think, Ithink that that's a worry.
I think that's not headingin a good direction.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
So, the next letter,letter number three, is X.
You're going to have to X ray.
Do you go to school?
(09:05):
Or do you have to go out with some Xylophone.
What I was going to say was you'regoing to have to excuse me because
I'm making a little, I'm bending therules a little bit and adding an E
before the X. Oh, you can't do that.
Come on.
Just say excuse me with an X and own it.
Okay, we're going to use Excuse,we don't know how to spell.
We will modify the word.
(09:25):
The word was exclude.
What do I mean by that?
I mean, are they Excluding youfrom accessing, let's say, their
finances, their social media, theiraccessibility to their phones.
Secrecy.
Secrecy.
Are they excluding things from you?
Um, which we know is inevitably going to leadto, you know, lying, which will break trust,
(09:50):
which will lead down a whole world of issues.
But from our perspective, uh, there isno reason, uh, to not include, uh, your
partner into whatever your business is.
There's no reason to not have access toeach other's phones if that's necessary.
And if someone is overly Yeah.
(10:12):
I feel like that's a little worrisome.
Like I, I, that would make me paranoidas a partner, which then in turn would
activate a negative trait in me ofhaving to be constantly on the phone.
(10:35):
Uh, worried and not trust you and startgetting accusive of you because now
I feel like my trust is being abusedand it just brings out the worst.
I feel like.
We did an episode where I waslike, he can go through my phone.
Like he does heaps of stuff on my phone.
He has all the passwords.
We work together.
Like he has to be in my phone all the time.
So, and a lot of people were like,well, that's a little bit far.
(10:58):
Like that's unnecessary.
We were like, no, we like,we have nothing to hide.
Like you can go through it.
It's fine.
And I think, um, that really helpswith our trust with each other.
Yeah.
I think that like.
There might be certain, if you're witha person that's like checking your phone
every day and like trying to interrogateyou and find something on you and treating
(11:18):
you as if you've done something wrong whenyou haven't, um, obviously there's, there's
always going to be an exception to the rule.
Um, but I think that the general premiseof the point is that there shouldn't be.
Um, you know, exclusivity over your items orover your accounts or over whatever it is.
And if there is, um, you really haveto ask that person, why, why can
(11:41):
I not have access to your phone?
Why can I not see our bank accounts?
Why can I not, whatever it might be.
Um, and you know what?
Some people might be okay with that.
Like, I don't need to go through his phone.
I don't really care.
I don't want to find anything, whatever.
That's fine.
That's, that's how you process.
You're not a jealous person.
That's fine.
This is for the people that.
Uh, like playing the obvious, like, stay outof my stuff, like, do you know what I mean?
(12:05):
I feel like in a relationship,when you respect each other,
that's, you shouldn't open up.
A hundred percent.
And also we're trying toidentify the toxic traits.
The other toxic trait that will happenis if someone is all secret about
their phone or whatever it is, they'llthen make you feel like the crazy one.
Yeah.
You're just over the top.
You're like so controlling.
Yeah.
This is where thatgaslighting comes in, yeah.
(12:26):
You've got issues, you're just jealous.
Yeah, just because that happenedin your last relationship, it
doesn't mean that I'm doing it.
Don't put that on me.
That is bullshit.
B. If you know that happened in thelast relationship, then you know me,
and then you'll share that with mebecause you don't want me to go through
that again because you love me, right?
(12:46):
Not to mention, don't you think if they didreally love you, it shouldn't be that big
a deal, just that they might have to cater.
Maybe it's unnecessary.
Maybe it's extreme.
But if they did love you, don't you thinkthat that wouldn't be that much to ask?
Yeah.
You know?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Anyway, so that was point number three.
Be mindful of, uh, how much theyexclude you from certain things.
(13:08):
I think there should be alevel of inclusivity with all
of these different things.
Yeah.
So I'm just going to interrupt thispodcast with some very, very exciting news.
Yes.
We would like to acknowledge thedrinks that we are drinking right now.
If you're on the podcast channels,you won't be able to see us, but we
are holding in our hand two cans ofprotein water by Nexus Nutrition.
(13:31):
You didn't let me tellthem what the news was.
Oh, what's the news?
They have a new flavor.
Ah, they do too, which is theflavor that I'm holding in my
hand, which is the pink lemon aid.
Woo.
Which is very exciting.
Do you know why?
Why?
Because it also comes in a powdered version,which you can see I have nearly got through.
(13:52):
The entire packet of it islooking very empty inside.
It is looking very sad.
I'm gonna have to hit them upand see if we can get a restock,
because I dare say that this flavor.
Might be their best flavor yet in my opinion.
We've got 15 grams of protein, 15.
5 grams of protein in this can Within thepowder we can obviously manipulate the
(14:12):
dose So if you need more protein to hityour protein requirements, then the powder
would be a good way to go I often have thisafter a workout But you've been having it a
lot because you've switched it out becauseyou're not enjoying With the hot weather
that we've had like having something milky.
Correct.
Yes.
So you're having that protein trainingIt actually genuinely tastes delicious.
It's like a Like, like a drinkyou'd order from a restaurant.
(14:33):
Does not taste like a protein shake at all.
Um, whereas these ones I'll just havethroughout the day or sometimes with a meal.
If I'm having a meal that isn't asprotein dense as what I might like,
um, I'll whack this one in as well tocomplete the meal and add a little bit
more protein because we know that proteinis responsible for what, Stephanie?
Building muscle, hold this please.
(14:54):
Yay!
Um, I just want to announce that I haven'treally been training my biceps very hard.
So if you are interested in checking theseout, if you're someone that trains or if
you're someone that feels like they don'tget enough protein throughout their day, I
would highly suggest checking these guys out.
You can find all of theirproducts at NexusNutrition.
com or if you just want to try one ofthese cans and you're out and about.
(15:18):
And in Australia, uh, you can headto your local Woolies, Woolworths.
They do stock them there.
So nice quick and easy protein hit on the go.
And also just a refreshing drink to enjoywhile you're out, back to the episode.
So moving on to Letter I in mytoxic acronym I was for Isolate.
(15:41):
Are they isolating youfrom either your friends?
Or your family.
This is, uh, super, super common and avery, you know, narcissistic type trait
when someone will intentionally pull youaway, uh, from your friends and try and, you
know, basically limit your access to them,or it might be your family, they might say,
(16:04):
you know, certain things about your familyand Firstly, like, no family's perfect.
Of course, um, your spouse or your partneris going to see things in your family that
you might not necessarily see because youlove them and you might have a bit of a
blind spot somewhere, so there might, again,there's always exceptions to the rule, but
if they're overly pointing out the negativeand overly trying to isolate your time away
(16:26):
from them so that they can take more of yourtime because they are so insecure that they
don't want you spending time with anyoneelse, It comes from a controlling nature.
Controlling nature, insecure nature, andnarcissistic nature in the sense that,
you know, they are trying to ultimatelycontrol you and they don't want to expose
you to other people because if you do haveexposure to other people, they lose control.
(16:49):
They lose control, but also it meansthat those other people can input
their opinion on their relationship.
Yep.
Or about that.
Correct.
And the percent things aren't going well,very human to want to vent that out to either
your friends and family, and when otherpeople hear it, given then that they're not
so close to the relationship, they mightsee things a bit clearer, and they might
(17:11):
say, oh geez, like That behavior isn't good.
Like, are you seeing this?
Are you seeing what I'm seeing?
Yeah.
And for a toxic person, they're notgoing to want to put you in that
environment and risk being exposed.
So a common thing that they will likelydo is isolate you from friends and family.
So the final letter in my toxic acronym,I was tossing up between two things
(17:34):
here, and I think that they are somewhatjoined and combined, um, and those two
qualities to watch out for was censorship.
And control.
And I think that thosetwo very closely relate.
I'd almost argue that controlreally is the overarching factor
with all of these different traits.
Like if someone's threatening, if someoneis trying to oppress you, if someone is
(17:59):
trying to exclude you from things, ifsomeone is trying to isolate you, then
ultimately that all does stem from control.
But I think censorship is a key one becauseI think that that can easily go unnoticed.
What do I mean by censorship?
I mean, are they trying to censoryour voice and your opinion?
You know, when you have a conversation withthem, is it a two sided conversation or is
(18:22):
it just a conversation that's going one way?
Is your opinion heard?
Are you heard?
Do you feel understood?
Or are they just essentially doingwhat you said before, gaslighting you,
uh, and really censoring your voice,censoring your opinion, and taking
your own independence away from you?
So, that you are ultimatelyunder their control.
(18:45):
Control.
Let's talk about, just so you can betterunderstand your partner, if he is someone
or she is someone that needs to be incontrol, where does that stem from?
I believe needing to have control inyour life is because when you were
younger, you were so out of control.
(19:06):
Meaning, you know, maybe yourparents worked all the time.
Maybe you struggled with learning atschool and you had teachers call you dumb.
Maybe, you know, something happenedto you where you lost control, like
where it wasn't even your fault.
Something happened to you where youcouldn't control what happened and
then you had to deal with the pain ofthat, whatever the circumstance may be.
(19:28):
Like, so many things can cause Ultimately.
A lack of control.
All of those things stemback to a lack of safety.
If someone goes through a traumatic eventor experience, uh, where they don't have
any control and control was removed fromthem, then inherently they're going to
want to gain control in other situations.
(19:49):
So they don't have to face thatsame situation or be exposed to
that same situation ever again.
So essentially what you're saying is.
If someone needs to control everything ina relationship, it's because they have.
A lack of safety or had when they wereyounger, or feel a lack of feeling safe.
(20:13):
Yeah.
Like, I think that there are, thereare genuinely some people out there
and you often hear about it, you know,you often hear it talked about so
casually, which is like, Oh, they werejust a psycho or they were a sociopath.
And those like, uh, conditionsdo exist where there are people
that have pretty bad intentions.
But I would argue that those people, andeven if you look at the numbers of this,
(20:36):
psychologically speaking, there are fewerof them than what you might realize.
The majority of the people thatare presenting these toxic traits
have just been through some shit.
Oh.
And it doesn't mean that theyare a toxic and awful person.
It just means that they're presentingbehaviors based off their experiences,
whatever they might have been through.
(20:57):
Yeah.
And it's manifesting in theirbehavior in a toxic way.
Now, I think you, as the partner, need to,you know, come to a decision as to whether
or not you can tolerate this, whether ornot Also, when you find out about it, can
you help that person heal or get a greaterunderstanding about who you're with?
Correct.
(21:18):
Can you, are you willing to stand bythem while they hopefully heal and grow
out of some of these traits becausethat's, I'd like to have some degree
of optimism about everyone is capableof changing, but at the same time you
have to respect yourself and your timeand what you can and can't tolerate.
What you can and can't tolerate.
That's what I was saying.
Yep.
So, these are some good things to reflecton, and if you are seeing these sort of
(21:44):
traits in your partner, don't be too quickto judge, like, understand where they're
coming from, see if you can help them beforeyou just write them off, that's definitely
not something that we would be proponentsof, but if you feel like you can't help
them and this is beyond your means, beyondyour capabilities or your tolerance,
then, you know, that's probably time.
To recognize the role that they played inyour life, appreciate them for teaching you,
(22:09):
you know, a different side of the coin, soto say, uh, and hopefully you can move into
whatever relationship comes next a little bitmore informed and ultimately grow from it.
Yeah.
It's not all doom and gloom.
I think that every experience can belearned from and we can grow from.
Well said.
However, if you are someone that isexperiencing these things to more the
extreme side, my heart goes out to you.
(22:32):
I hope that you are okay.
And reach out to family and get some help.
Reach out to someone and get help.
You don't have to.
You don't have to live like that.
You don't have to live like that.
You are your own person and you were put onthis, this planet, this earth for a reason
and you have the right to live your own life.
Amen.
So you don't have to succumb to somebody's.
(22:54):
Toxic traits.
Hmm.
If it's something that'scompletely ruining your own life.
Hmm.
In fact, you know what?
Reach out to us if that is you andyou just need someone to talk to.
We might not be able to solve everything,but we might be able to give you a
perspective and give you some help.
So I'm going to throw thatout there as a kind gesture.
(23:14):
Um, otherwise, guys.
Thank you for watching.
This was a bit of a shorter episode, a verydifferent context to what we have done in the
past, so we would love to get your feedback.
The couch was much comfierthan the chairs in the studio.
Definitely more relaxing.
Let us know if you actually like it here.
So make sure you subscribe toour channels all over the place.
(23:35):
You know where they are, wherever you'relistening from, we appreciate your support
and we're going to keep these rolling.
Sometimes we, we get a bitbusy, but they will keep coming.
And what I might also do is adda link in the description here.
If you want to ask a question that we couldpotentially cover in a future episode,
I'll load the link somewhere in thedescription of this podcast or on this video.
(23:57):
Uh, and if you're facing a certainsituation or circumstance, you can
add that in and we might end up.
Doing a chat just like thisone about your exact scenario.
So either comment, clicka link in the description.
We would love to get your thoughts,feedback, or hear about your situation and
then, uh, do a deep dive into that one.
(24:18):
But anyway, until next time,we'll see you on our next episode.
Thanks for listening.
Don't forget to follow usand leave a rating or review.
See you next time.
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