August 25, 2024 • 37 mins
You ever feel the stress of having people over when you just can't keep the tornado of your house under control? My cousin Keri and I often have this conversation - never having people over because we're so worried about what everything looks like. A few years ago we nodded sagely over an article titled "The Crappy Dinner Party" posted on thekitchn.com's blog - why couldn't we all just let ourselves off the hook and enjoy company no matter if we have loads of laundry piling up?
In this episode we discuss the importance of spontaneous gatherings without the pressure of perfection, covering the influence of social media, the anxiety that comes with letting go of planning, the epidemic of loneliness, the drop-in visits that are so rare these days and memories of our grandparents’ revolving-door home.
Whether you're a parent seeking adult conversation or just someone looking to reconnect with friends and family, this episode offers a refreshing perspective on the value of community and the joy of simple, unplanned get-togethers. Tune in for real stories, practical tips, and a reminder that sometimes, the best memories are made when we let go of the need to impress and just enjoy each other's company.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Music.
(00:07):
Get your headphones on. It's time for a little bit of adult conversation where
we share real stories, real problems,
real solutions, and plenty of tips and tricks along the way as we prepare for
a smooth little tot landing.
(00:27):
All right. Welcome back listeners. Today I have with me a very special guest
because she is my cousin, my cousin, Carrie, who I always have really wonderful conversations with.
Carrie is an elementary school teacher.
She rocks it out with the grade seven and eights. That takes a wonderfully patient person.
(00:49):
Carrie, welcome to the Little Tot Landing podcast. Thank you.
Okay. I brought Carrie on today because years ago, we were talking,
we always talk about this anyway, but I thought you sent me the article.
Apparently I sent you the article and I think it was called like the crappy
dinner party, like something along those lines. Yeah.
(01:12):
And it was essentially this idea of like just having people over no matter what
your house looks like, not always feeling this need to make plans like a month
ahead of time, make sure everything is dialed in, right?
Because what happens then is we don't get together, right? Is I think what most people find.
(01:34):
So this has been happening to me lately, especially with summer.
I feel like, you know, there's a little more free time. We can have people over.
And yet I hesitate all the time. I mean, you even dropped off an amazing gift
the other day, a book and a bar of chocolate. Thank you for that.
And I was like, oh, my house is such a mess. Like you don't care, but it bothered me.
(01:56):
Yeah, I mean, I think for me, it goes back to like our grandparents' house growing
up, which was, you know, I always describe it as like a revolving door.
And there were always just so many people there.
And, you know, it's definitely one of my favorite childhood places,
but it had nothing to do with the aesthetic of it.
(02:19):
It was just a place to gather. gather and I
think for me when I reflect on it now I realize how spontaneous
a lot of that gathering was and and I think now what I notice is when we make
these plans it's like you know a month out two weeks out maybe it's not what
(02:40):
I want to actually do that day and yes yeah then
you start to kind of dread some plans and you maybe want to bail on plans,
but then there's other times where I really want to do something,
but it feels last minute or I'm not sure anyone else has going on.
And it almost feels weird to reach out and, and just be spontaneous.
(03:03):
Isn't it funny that we all feel this need to be super planned and organized
and we can't really do the spontaneity thing, but wouldn't it be lovely if we
just reached out and we're like, come on over.
What are you doing tonight? Right? I think the other problem here is then if
I do that, let's say I'm like, come on over.
I then will spend the next two to three hours, whatever it is,
(03:24):
like frantically cleaning. So I'm exhausted by the time someone gets there.
It's like, why? You know, I mean, as long as the toilet paper is stocked in the bathroom,
you've got a clean hand towel like I think we're pretty
solid right yeah I mean really if you can
just wipe the toilet down from the boys
or you know the husbands or whatever 100% you
(03:45):
know and even then like okay I can flush the toilet even
but yeah it's it's I
think a lot of it is this perception of
everyone else has it all together and and
has everything perfect and clean and you know definitely
comes from social media I think but I
I think yeah like the drop-ins and the you know
(04:07):
I think that used to be a thing used to go for a drive and be like yeah let's
stop in at so-and-so's house and now it's like people are almost bothered by
that you know just like they're bothered bothered by a phone call instead of
a text like why are you calling well I want to hear I want to hear your voice
rather than just, you know, talk.
Gosh, that's so true. Yeah. So I think we've normalized the inconvenience we
(04:33):
feel from it, but really I think it just like isolates us more.
It really does. And isn't it interesting once we get past that,
whatever it is, and I'm sure for everyone it's different. Maybe it's some people
feel like they have too much to do.
Some people have the anxiety of their house not looking the way they want it
to, whatever that reason is. Someone drops by unexpectedly.
But then if that person does come in and you have a drink or have some snacks
(04:56):
together, just conversation, they leave and you're like, I'm so glad we did that.
Right? Like every time you're so glad that you got together.
And I think when you were talking about our grandparents and the spontaneity
of that, and I just love this idea, this reminder of the, you go for a drive
and stop by someone's house.
We all got together with some family who were out of, from out of town, right? Last week.
(05:19):
And so often, so many of the stories of this group came back to,
circled back to get togethers at Grandma Betty's house, right?
Everyone loved it there. And no one cared what the couch looked like or the carpet or the kitchen.
I mean, she cooked so much. I'm sure there's always dishes and pots and pans.
(05:40):
But it didn't matter, right? Like, I don't remember any of that.
And I think what's important, too, is when I think about this conversation right
now, like, when I go to anybody's house, I don't remember what the house looked like.
Like, I just, like, remember what we ate and the conversation we had and if
we went swimming or whatever we did, right?
Yeah, just the connection. connection and I think
(06:00):
just authentic connection and and not all
this this pre-planned you
know I mean it's one thing to plan for a large event
or for a birthday or for a concert where
you have to buy tickets in advance or things like that
but you know for me the more
I look ahead I appreciate having a more empty calendar and then seeing how I
(06:26):
feel that day you know do I feel like doing something or do I not instead of
being like oh I have this plan and I'd really like to stay home you know and.
Yeah. Anyways. I think that's so true. I think it would benefit all of us much
more if we would just leave our schedules open a little bit.
(06:49):
Because you're right, we don't always feel our best. Or maybe we didn't get
a great sleep the night before. Maybe we stayed up too late watching Bridgerton. I don't know.
But I mean, I agree. And maybe you just kind of get up and you think,
oh, yeah, we've got that thing that we plan.
And it's like, we're doing that dinner. But wouldn't it be nice on a day when
it's beautiful, the weather's great, whatever it is, things align,
(07:11):
and you could just have everyone over, right?
Yeah, and I think there's a need for it, no matter what path you're on currently
or what season you're living.
And I think whether that's a house full of children or on your own,
and I think that's the important thing is all the walks need to kind of come
together because we all need each other in different ways, right? Right.
(07:35):
Like the stressed mom might just need some adult conversation and the person
living alone might need to just have, you know, some connection that day.
Like and and I think that way, too, is instead of being like,
well, I have this stress and I have this need and we all have it.
We all need to connect and it doesn't matter what season.
(07:58):
You know, I think I've told you
about this before, but there was a random video I saw and the gentleman,
you know, he said, you know, i'm married i have the most
wonderful wife i have four beautiful children i live
on two acres of property you know i'm living the dream and
he said it's not enough i i need more community
i need more connection and you know i think that's the other thing is this you
(08:23):
know this false story that we only need the person we're with there are children
or you know whatever whenever when there's there's all kinds of different need
for connection and i think,
kids need to see that too and and know that they have a bunch of people behind them they have.
Not just their parents you know which is like a lot for parents to carry but
(08:45):
i think you know at least i felt growing up i had all these people that like
cared about us and it wasn't you know it wasn't just our parents and i don't
think i think that's a lot for parents to carry i think I think it's, you know,
so I think for them to know that there's other adults that, you know,
care about them, but also are like, hey, like.
(09:09):
You know, this is, this is, you know, how you connect with people or this is
how you share your life with people.
Absolutely. Modeling great friendships and, and, and communication and connection,
right. For your children.
Otherwise it was just so like insular, right.
It's just you and them. I was actually just, okay. I have so many things to
(09:31):
say on the points you just made, but one thing that just came to mind,
I'm always talking about Dr.
Becky, you know that, right. So here we go. but I was just listening to some Dr.
Becky about like guilt around self-care and why it's important to,
you know, we hear this all the time, fill your own cup before you fill anyone else's, right?
Like, you know, we all picture that, especially, you know, you're working daily
(09:52):
with a large group of children, right?
And when your cup is empty, what does that feel like when you walk into the classroom, right?
Like you're more, you're depleted
and you're less likely to have that but patience, whatever it is, right?
And I just, and she said, like, I don't want my children when they're older
to look back and say like, oh, my mom, all she ever did was everything for us.
(10:15):
And all my mom was, was ever exhausted.
And all we ever saw was my mom like, yeah, depleted and just looking after us
and never looking after herself.
And it's like this same idea of like, you wanna show your children that like
you're taking time for yourself. You're enjoying company. You're having adult conversation.
And then I also think about circling back to the, when our family was out of
(10:39):
town and all the stories that everyone brought up were essentially about our grandparents' house.
We talk about their best friends, like our grandparents' best friends,
like just as much as we talk about our grandparents, right?
We knew them so well and they were just a part of our extended family, right? Mm-hmm.
Yeah, absolutely. And it just, I don't know. I think it's, it's missing.
(11:04):
And, and I think too, is that it doesn't, yeah, they, you know,
family doesn't always have to be, you know, biologically and,
you know, it's, but just where there's connection and, and.
Yeah, just, I mean, even like when we look at last week, when we had the family
in town, I mean, we ended up having like three dinners and it was just,
(11:29):
you know, that wasn't the plan.
And it was a bit spontaneous, you know, and everyone just sort of pitched in in different ways.
But I think for all of us to just stop, come together, have the time outside,
you know, what else was more important?
Exactly. I kept thinking that, like, what do I need to do right now other than
(11:52):
drop literally everything, pack the kids in the car, and go to my parents' house?
There was nothing more important than hanging out with everyone, right?
Right. Like, whatever you didn't get to, that was probably going to be there anyways.
Yeah, let's be honest. Let's be honest. Speaking of these, like,
last-minute get-togethers, too, I think it's important to, like,
especially someone who, like, I used to love cooking all the time,
(12:14):
and you know this about me.
I loved cooking different recipes, trying out new things, elaborate meals.
And now I'm like, can you get that quinoa salad from Costco and let's get some burgers on the grill?
And it just doesn't matter because if we put so much time into it,
like, is it great when we can have a delicious, wonderful dinner party? Of course. Sure.
(12:35):
But if that's going to stop you from getting together with everybody,
well, you're not going to have that wonderful food anyway because you're not
going to make it for yourself.
No. But then you didn't get together with anybody either, right?
So now, like, that's what we do as a family. We pretty much get hot dogs,
hamburgs, veggie-burgs, cut up a watermelon.
Like, it doesn't matter. I don't need people to go above and beyond, right?
(12:59):
When I'm at someone's house and they pull, like, cheese and crackers, I'm like, yes. Perfect.
Like, that's great. Yeah, absolutely. Just keeping it simple and just letting
everyone contribute, right?
Right. Like, you know, whether it's providing the location or the space or the food or,
you know, just everyone sort of playing off their comfort and,
(13:23):
you know, and what they feel like they have to contribute.
And that doesn't have to always be the same, but, you know, just that.
You know, I just, I think it's a longing that people have, but we try to pretend,
you know, that we're good and, you know, but I think, okay, so we all would
(13:44):
have just stayed home last week, you know, sat by our, you know,
in our smaller groups and done what we always do.
Yeah. You know, I mean, we have, we have a long winter. We can do that. Yeah.
No, but, you know, so it's just like, yeah, it's, I think.
Yeah i don't know i don't know where i was going with that but we are
(14:07):
wired for connection and it's so odd to like
come out of a pandemic what four years ago now and
well i guess come out of it about three years ago but still you know we experienced
so much isolation to the point where like the surgeon like general has said
(14:28):
like loneliness is its own like epidemic right Right.
And we all, we all knew that, like we experienced it firsthand and we were like,
I can't be in this house. I need people like we need connection.
I want to see my family. I want to get out. Right.
I haven't heard from anybody who said that they loved being alone for months and months upon end.
(14:49):
And we had a lot of, a lot of isolation and lockdowns here in Ontario and Canada.
Went on for a really long time. And it's interesting to like come out of
that and like everyone's like can't wait to see everyone and yet we're kind
of all right back to this place of like you know judging ourselves based on
social media not wanting to get together until everything's perfect having to
(15:11):
make plans and I was like oh my gosh we didn't learn anything.
That's funny yeah and I think I mean I wonder some of it is yeah that pressure,
to like have these elaborate plans which have
to be made in advance because you want to share that
you're doing something big and important right right
(15:32):
but yeah it's
you know like i i look at my summer off or whatever and i don't i don't want
that anymore i don't want i want to try to take the learning from the from the
pandemic but i also just want to get up and And be like,
(15:53):
okay, today it's rainy and I'm tired.
So I'm going to just lay low. But other days I want to be like,
hey, let's go for a drive and try this ice cream place. Or go to the beach.
Or, you know, just...
And I think, too, like...
Opening it up to lots of people. Like sometimes it's like, Oh,
(16:16):
I've got plans with this person and Oh, this person, and they don't know each
other as well, but you know, just kind of being like, Hey, we're all like,
let's just get together. Yeah.
And you know, and it doesn't have to be that everyone has the most meaningful connection.
It's just about being with people and having community. Yeah. Yeah.
(16:39):
Absolutely. Absolutely. I'm thinking about something you just said.
I have to take a minute to remember.
You were talking about, oh, also like this idea of like planning and right.
Like having the date set and having your whole summer booked up, whatever.
Like we've talked about this. It sounds exhausting to me.
I want free days so that I could just see what happens. Right.
(17:01):
And of course, free days for rest.
Like that's, you know, a whole other conversation, but I've started to think
like Like you and I, like when we go out, we do love to like,
you know, pick our coffee shop in Detroit that we're going to go to.
Like we do like to have a good idea, but isn't it so fun also?
And I've actually stopped when I go on vacation, I've stopped looking up like
Google maps or years ago, which used to be Yelp, right? For the best restaurant, the best.
(17:25):
I just stop. I don't want to do that anymore. I don't want to pre-plan.
And a lot of that comes from anyone's like anxiousness about like travel.
You know, you kind of want to pin things down and you make sure you don't miss
anything the best thing comes from just getting there
you stumble on an ice cream shop or
whatever right i think some of it comes from us wanting to share that we had
(17:46):
the best trip or that we found the coolest place you know i think some of it
is a need for and i think that's hard like it's a hard pill for me to swallow
and to say like sometimes i want to be like well look
at this cool thing i did yeah i hear you but i think also yeah some of it is just a need to.
(18:07):
To feel like we've got a plan and it's
under control and right yeah you know because that helps that anxiety like you
said but there's something way more magical when you randomly discover yes right
something and i mean we lived in that world at some point in our life but i
(18:27):
don't think we had enough of it as adults.
You know, because you couldn't do that before, you know, I mean,
unless somebody told you about it, like, unless somebody, you know,
knew about it, and had kind of said, hey, this is really good.
Yeah, yeah. You know, you had to go and discover it, you know, and, you know, I think.
(18:51):
Yeah, I mean, we experienced that earlier, like this year, remember when we
crossed the border and we're in Detroit with our cousin visiting and we didn't have a lunch place.
But we just kind of like rolled by this random location and,
you know, just ended up being this really unique place that I probably would have never stopped at.
(19:15):
I don't know if it would have maybe eventually came on our radar.
But yeah and that's not to say you
can't have ideas or recommendations but oh
absolutely yeah just that whole idea of
the stress of always yeah planning and
like you know gonna like takes away from it
somehow and you're right when we think back to our youth
(19:37):
like yeah we just like we were on a trip we just stopped at
this diner like here i just had a breakfast and it became less
about the like food and the stuff and the
things and just more about like I'm with my family we're
stopping having some food and then we're going to move on and it didn't have to
like be five stars so that there wasn't like this oh I'm disappointed now and
that was negative and that wasn't as good as I thought it was like it's just
(19:58):
it was just like food and we just stopped and we had some lunch right and then
and and you're right like I think about that with our cousin Taylor as well
when we stopped by that lunch place and it was so delicious and it was a great memory and we had so
much fun and it would have been also fine if it
wasn't like the best meal that we'd ever had right like it was
just like we were together we had lunch we were hungry
(20:19):
we checked that off right and it's like it's so funny it all so when we think
about these like having people over for a drink or having people over for a
little afternoon snack whatever right we got so stressed about the things and
we stopped thinking about the people we forget about the whole point of
getting together, right? And the other stuff is just extra.
(20:40):
Everyone's happy with like a bowl of like,
cashews and almonds unless they're allergic to them but you know what i mean like it is all good.
Have some sparkling water in the fridge right we're all
good yeah or at
the end of the day order a pizza just order
a pizza that's why there are so many pizza places just order
(21:02):
a pizza like all good i just love that stuff i
love that last minute like oh my gosh everyone's like coming over
we were gonna do this thing and everyone's in amherstburg and now everyone's coming
over for pizza it's so fun so fun
to have and then and then i get like i can literally feel myself right
now going oh yeah but there's all that stuff on my kitchen table or oh yeah
those blue floors that i don't love or like there's so much stuff in the pantry
(21:25):
that's disorganized and it just doesn't matter doesn't matter yeah no it's and
i i think again that's when i always go back to like,
you know using our grandparents house as an example i think
in some ways when everything is perfect i
actually feel more uncomfortable because i feel like you know am i offsetting
(21:47):
you know the cleanliness or not that you know i'm yeah but some perfect balance
here right i know right you just yeah so true you know but it's like you know
there was nothing like you said like,
and i think it speaks to just the belief system back then is that like you replace
the couch when And it needed to be replaced, not because it needed to be like,
(22:09):
it needed to be a, there was no like look like there wasn't a, you know,
a thing. And, and.
I mean, they and I, you know, have a piece of it. It's just that linoleum, right?
That fire red thing that was in their foyer when you walked in, you know? Right, right.
And by today's standard, you would replace that within minutes of having the house. You would.
(22:32):
But, you know, before, what would they care? It's where everybody's shoes sat. Yeah.
You know, you actually never really see it. Yeah, you don't even think about it even, right?
And, like, your memory of it and my memory of it, I'm like, oh,
my gosh, yes, that was grandma's floor, right?
You know, kids, you love it. My kids love my blue floor. They're like,
well, why would you want a different? Isn't that so cool that we have a blue
(22:52):
floor? I'm like, you're right.
And I just need to be grateful that we have a floor. We have a house.
I have this conversation with you too, right?
Like you're holding like two things at the same time. We have like an ideal
of like our own design choices and what we, like our eyes looks pretty.
But then also it's like, wow, look at all these books I have.
And I have a bedroom. I have air conditioning.
(23:13):
I have heating, clean water, a house, flooring.
Like it's it's fine yeah you know but again we just get caught up in that stuff,
yeah and i think that's where like other elements of society impact our ability to just connect.
Because i think we also feel this pressure to like have and
(23:33):
do everything so we feel this pressure to like have
the house and the cleanliness and the picture worthy things
but also to like have a million things
on the go because that gives us value and
that gives us importance but what
we're losing out on the other side of it is i
think a greater loss absolutely ultimately and
(23:54):
i think absolutely you know i think it leads to like greater loneliness and
greater struggle yeah because we're pretending to connect over other ways like
through social media but it's not the same because we're not just,
like connecting authentically when we desire it like when we you know it's like
(24:19):
okay i'll see in three weeks when we have those lunch plans yeah you know and
there's not to say you know i get that like life requires that sometimes but
if we were to slow down would that allow for greater.
Connection absolutely and i think you're right too like when
we say like we're pretending to connect through social media which we all
(24:40):
know is like a joke that's not real and
you're texting you're not hearing someone's voice right that
doesn't impact your senses in any way right like
it's not like having a phone call it's not like having someone in front of you
have a conversation with right it's not the same there's a yeah there's a really
good podcast with Brene Brown she interviews a lady and it's about like artificial intimacy and And,
(25:09):
you know, the ways that, like,
digital technology can create this armor,
but also this, like, false, obviously, story, right?
And I think we've probably all seen it, right? Where we get an idea or a story
of someone, and then we know the reality of it.
And so I think we believe that that's replacing this connection, but it's not.
(25:36):
Like, it's not the same. Anyways, they go into kind of the science of it and some truth of it.
And I think it's just a bigger topic to the idea which we started,
which is just, you know, these messy dinners, but it all kind of intertwines
into a greater, you know, a greater issue in our society.
(25:57):
And I mean, part of that is that vulnerable, authentic self showing up, right?
And, you know, I think there's vulnerability of letting people through your door or showing up.
And, you know, people, I think, are more inclined to protect that, right?
(26:19):
So we all stay in our houses and we have some connection through social media, texting, whatever.
But you know actually letting someone in there's
something about having a conversation with somebody's face compared to
through a text right and gosh that's
so true yeah and it just makes me think like we've yeah we've just gotten to
(26:42):
a place where we are like falsely like upholding the value of other things other
than people like we actually think someone's gonna be like Like their house
was so cool. So they are so cool.
And that the person isn't actually going to see you. And like,
when you have conversation with them, they're not going to like love you.
(27:02):
And it's like, they are like, you know, but we're just, we've become so,
and, you know, we've brought up social media a few times here.
It's like this huge hovering beast that, you know, even when we can all say
to each other, gosh, I know that's not true.
And yet our brain sees it all the time.
Right. So it has become accustomed to it. But it's what it sees.
(27:22):
And it says, wow, that's really pretty. So I guess that's what I need to have.
And then that makes me X, Y, and Z, right?
Yeah. And if I have anything less than that, like if I have too much stuff or
it's messy or I didn't get to clean it, that somehow means that...
I am less than I should less than about that.
(27:44):
But I also think that's part of why people have feel the need to like pre plan
and have all these other things going on is the fear of what it might mean for
us if we have nothing going on.
Like, what does it say about me? Yeah. I don't have plans and I'm not crazy busy.
Yeah. You know, like that somehow also gives us value because I think some of
(28:10):
the most well-adjusted people are the people who can be alone and that can be
even if they live with people, but they,
they, it's not out of a need.
It's out of a choice. Like they choose to spend their time with people. They choose to connect.
And it's not about, you know, cause lots of people say, well,
(28:30):
I don't share it on social media, but you know, I think you,
you do in a way when you you say oh i like i have i'm already so booked up you
know so yeah so yeah it's so true that's so true um we have a few minutes left
here and i pulled up the crappy dinner party article.
(28:52):
And there's actually five rules of the crappy dinner party okay for people to
follow and And hopefully we can all start having crappy dinner parties so that
we can start having some easy, fun,
recognize how much we are valued. Let each other off the hook.
(29:12):
It's like my house looks like this and your house looks like this and it doesn't matter.
Here we go. Number one, no housework is to be done prior to a guest's arrival.
Huh. Number two, so I'm like, okay, no housework. Again, I think I get to get
away with like wiping the pee off the toilet seat. Yeah, I think that's acceptable.
(29:34):
That can be done as they're walking up to the toilet. As they're walking, right, yeah.
Number two, the menu must be simple and not involve a special grocery shop. I like that.
Literally, just like, again, do you have grilled cheeses?
Do you have something old in your freezer that you want to like?
It doesn't matter. You have fruit you want to cut up, bowl of nuts, like, right?
(29:54):
Yeah, doesn't matter. Bag of popcorn. All good.
I like this one. Number three, you must wear whatever you happen to have on.
That's good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's good.
Again, that's something that could easily stress people out,
right? Like, again, I have to look a certain way. I have to present myself a certain way.
(30:15):
This is what people are going to think about me, right? Yeah, for sure.
This is good because, like, this I understand, like, if it's Christmas time or something special.
But number four, no hostess gifts allowed. out
like yeah like just no need
right yeah yeah I mean fine
if you're contributing yeah like yeah
(30:36):
you know like hey we'll bring this tonight or like you
know but I think sometimes it's like yeah like you're even
the times where you're just having to be there and somebody's like just stay
for dinner like just stay you know absolutely
right it's like we're already making this
it's nothing fancy like not diminishing that
either when it's just like oh tonight we're just having whatever
(30:59):
like you know right it can be possible with some butter on it you know and i
think there's nothing yes you just like totally hit it right there with like
as though like we say well it's nothing fancy like like diminishing it in some
way it's like no it's food right it's great right?
The special part. And I think the more we do this, we can like get past that
(31:23):
anxiousness or that awkwardness about like just letting people come into our
space and into our lives again.
Yes, then the food is special. Why is it special? We will remember how awesome
that buttered pasta was because we had a great laugh and we had a great conversation.
We got to talk about some and things and remember things, memories,
you know, whatever it is, you know, I think then the food is elevated just because
(31:48):
the get together was, yeah, yeah.
Number five, this is just like a joke, but you must act like you're surprised
when your friend or family just happens to show up at your door and then it says optional.
But I want more of the like drive-by drop-ins. Like I want that. I want that. Yeah. Yeah.
(32:09):
Well, yeah. And how weird we feel about doing that when it used to just be so normal. Yeah. Yeah.
And how, you know, people worry so much about it, but it's exciting and it's fun.
And yeah. It is exciting and it is fun. I agree with you, right?
(32:32):
Like, you know, everything we've talked about today.
You know, when I think about that last minute sort of get together, it's fun.
And I, you know, it's really interesting. Like when we moved home from living
away for so long, you know, we moved home literally because we wanted to be back in your family.
But, you know, I have a friend of mine who like, it took us like a year and
(32:53):
a half, two years before we like actually like started to see each other.
Like we saw each other like once or twice.
It's a very good friend of mine. Right. And I just thought, what the heck?
And her and I, speaking of planning, like, Like, as you said,
like sometimes things need to be planned, but like, we were like,
we're going to, we're going to get together once a month, minimum, right?
Minimum. And so we do, we go out for dinner. So this is a whole different thing
(33:13):
from this conversation about having the crappy dinner party at home.
But again, it's like, we've just become so used to like being alone and insular and not connecting.
Like, again, it's just take some effort to like rebuild that habit.
So I don't know what we can do. There's nothing wrong with the need.
Like, obviously, there are a lot of, like, lives to consider in order for the dinner to happen.
(33:35):
And, you know, it obviously depends on proximity and work situations and children
and lives. Like, it's not to say never plan anything.
It's just to say not everything needs to be so pre-planned.
Yeah, absolutely. I've got a little guy joining me. He's like,
you got a sucker? Oh my goodness.
See, have everyone over and just offer them a bowl of candy.
(33:57):
That's what Grandma Betty did sometimes and that's fine.
Or a whole bag of O'Henry's. like
whatever like i've been there done that think then
when i think about that like once a month
like me and my girlfriend planning dinner i think we could
like urge people to be like hey why not
once a month twice a month whatever just at the last minute invite someone over
(34:20):
because you're not going to get over that feeling and that uncomfortableness
without just doing it right yeah it's i mean if that's i mean i guess too it's
it's a value system it's a belief and but it still takes work.
Yeah. You know, and so, you know, that's okay if people see it differently.
But I think you and I have realized, like, it's something we believe in and long for.
(34:45):
So how do we integrate that into our lives?
And it's okay for, just because it's something we desire doesn't mean it doesn't
take a little bit of work.
It's true. Right? Yeah. Just like nudging yourself a little bit.
Building any habit is like that, right? You just nudge yourself a little bit.
But hey, you know what? I'm going to see what everyone's up to tonight.
Whatever, right? Yeah. And that's okay. Sometimes it won't work.
(35:09):
Yeah. You know? Yeah. So.
Well, thank you so much. I appreciate you having this conversation with me. Thank you.
Nana, say hi to Auntie Carrie.
What is that? Is that my sucker? Is that my sucker? Booker.
(35:30):
Thank you so much for listening. Looking forward to sharing more of our parenting
stories, tips and tricks. We'll see you next time.
Music.
Music.
(00:07):
Get your headphones on. It's time for a little bit of adult conversation where
we share real stories, real problems,
real solutions, and plenty of tips and tricks along the way as we prepare for
a smooth little tot landing.
(00:27):
All right. Welcome back listeners. Today I have with me a very special guest
because she is my cousin, my cousin, Carrie, who I always have really wonderful conversations with.
Carrie is an elementary school teacher.
She rocks it out with the grade seven and eights. That takes a wonderfully patient person.
(00:49):
Carrie, welcome to the Little Tot Landing podcast. Thank you.
Okay. I brought Carrie on today because years ago, we were talking,
we always talk about this anyway, but I thought you sent me the article.
Apparently I sent you the article and I think it was called like the crappy
dinner party, like something along those lines. Yeah.
(01:12):
And it was essentially this idea of like just having people over no matter what
your house looks like, not always feeling this need to make plans like a month
ahead of time, make sure everything is dialed in, right?
Because what happens then is we don't get together, right? Is I think what most people find.
(01:34):
So this has been happening to me lately, especially with summer.
I feel like, you know, there's a little more free time. We can have people over.
And yet I hesitate all the time. I mean, you even dropped off an amazing gift
the other day, a book and a bar of chocolate. Thank you for that.
And I was like, oh, my house is such a mess. Like you don't care, but it bothered me.
(01:56):
Yeah, I mean, I think for me, it goes back to like our grandparents' house growing
up, which was, you know, I always describe it as like a revolving door.
And there were always just so many people there.
And, you know, it's definitely one of my favorite childhood places,
but it had nothing to do with the aesthetic of it.
(02:19):
It was just a place to gather. gather and I
think for me when I reflect on it now I realize how spontaneous
a lot of that gathering was and and I think now what I notice is when we make
these plans it's like you know a month out two weeks out maybe it's not what
(02:40):
I want to actually do that day and yes yeah then
you start to kind of dread some plans and you maybe want to bail on plans,
but then there's other times where I really want to do something,
but it feels last minute or I'm not sure anyone else has going on.
And it almost feels weird to reach out and, and just be spontaneous.
(03:03):
Isn't it funny that we all feel this need to be super planned and organized
and we can't really do the spontaneity thing, but wouldn't it be lovely if we
just reached out and we're like, come on over.
What are you doing tonight? Right? I think the other problem here is then if
I do that, let's say I'm like, come on over.
I then will spend the next two to three hours, whatever it is,
(03:24):
like frantically cleaning. So I'm exhausted by the time someone gets there.
It's like, why? You know, I mean, as long as the toilet paper is stocked in the bathroom,
you've got a clean hand towel like I think we're pretty
solid right yeah I mean really if you can
just wipe the toilet down from the boys
or you know the husbands or whatever 100% you
(03:45):
know and even then like okay I can flush the toilet even
but yeah it's it's I
think a lot of it is this perception of
everyone else has it all together and and
has everything perfect and clean and you know definitely
comes from social media I think but I
I think yeah like the drop-ins and the you know
(04:07):
I think that used to be a thing used to go for a drive and be like yeah let's
stop in at so-and-so's house and now it's like people are almost bothered by
that you know just like they're bothered bothered by a phone call instead of
a text like why are you calling well I want to hear I want to hear your voice
rather than just, you know, talk.
Gosh, that's so true. Yeah. So I think we've normalized the inconvenience we
(04:33):
feel from it, but really I think it just like isolates us more.
It really does. And isn't it interesting once we get past that,
whatever it is, and I'm sure for everyone it's different. Maybe it's some people
feel like they have too much to do.
Some people have the anxiety of their house not looking the way they want it
to, whatever that reason is. Someone drops by unexpectedly.
But then if that person does come in and you have a drink or have some snacks
(04:56):
together, just conversation, they leave and you're like, I'm so glad we did that.
Right? Like every time you're so glad that you got together.
And I think when you were talking about our grandparents and the spontaneity
of that, and I just love this idea, this reminder of the, you go for a drive
and stop by someone's house.
We all got together with some family who were out of, from out of town, right? Last week.
(05:19):
And so often, so many of the stories of this group came back to,
circled back to get togethers at Grandma Betty's house, right?
Everyone loved it there. And no one cared what the couch looked like or the carpet or the kitchen.
I mean, she cooked so much. I'm sure there's always dishes and pots and pans.
(05:40):
But it didn't matter, right? Like, I don't remember any of that.
And I think what's important, too, is when I think about this conversation right
now, like, when I go to anybody's house, I don't remember what the house looked like.
Like, I just, like, remember what we ate and the conversation we had and if
we went swimming or whatever we did, right?
Yeah, just the connection. connection and I think
(06:00):
just authentic connection and and not all
this this pre-planned you
know I mean it's one thing to plan for a large event
or for a birthday or for a concert where
you have to buy tickets in advance or things like that
but you know for me the more
I look ahead I appreciate having a more empty calendar and then seeing how I
(06:26):
feel that day you know do I feel like doing something or do I not instead of
being like oh I have this plan and I'd really like to stay home you know and.
Yeah. Anyways. I think that's so true. I think it would benefit all of us much
more if we would just leave our schedules open a little bit.
(06:49):
Because you're right, we don't always feel our best. Or maybe we didn't get
a great sleep the night before. Maybe we stayed up too late watching Bridgerton. I don't know.
But I mean, I agree. And maybe you just kind of get up and you think,
oh, yeah, we've got that thing that we plan.
And it's like, we're doing that dinner. But wouldn't it be nice on a day when
it's beautiful, the weather's great, whatever it is, things align,
(07:11):
and you could just have everyone over, right?
Yeah, and I think there's a need for it, no matter what path you're on currently
or what season you're living.
And I think whether that's a house full of children or on your own,
and I think that's the important thing is all the walks need to kind of come
together because we all need each other in different ways, right? Right.
(07:35):
Like the stressed mom might just need some adult conversation and the person
living alone might need to just have, you know, some connection that day.
Like and and I think that way, too, is instead of being like,
well, I have this stress and I have this need and we all have it.
We all need to connect and it doesn't matter what season.
(07:58):
You know, I think I've told you
about this before, but there was a random video I saw and the gentleman,
you know, he said, you know, i'm married i have the most
wonderful wife i have four beautiful children i live
on two acres of property you know i'm living the dream and
he said it's not enough i i need more community
i need more connection and you know i think that's the other thing is this you
(08:23):
know this false story that we only need the person we're with there are children
or you know whatever whenever when there's there's all kinds of different need
for connection and i think,
kids need to see that too and and know that they have a bunch of people behind them they have.
Not just their parents you know which is like a lot for parents to carry but
(08:45):
i think you know at least i felt growing up i had all these people that like
cared about us and it wasn't you know it wasn't just our parents and i don't
think i think that's a lot for parents to carry i think I think it's, you know,
so I think for them to know that there's other adults that, you know,
care about them, but also are like, hey, like.
(09:09):
You know, this is, this is, you know, how you connect with people or this is
how you share your life with people.
Absolutely. Modeling great friendships and, and, and communication and connection,
right. For your children.
Otherwise it was just so like insular, right.
It's just you and them. I was actually just, okay. I have so many things to
(09:31):
say on the points you just made, but one thing that just came to mind,
I'm always talking about Dr.
Becky, you know that, right. So here we go. but I was just listening to some Dr.
Becky about like guilt around self-care and why it's important to,
you know, we hear this all the time, fill your own cup before you fill anyone else's, right?
Like, you know, we all picture that, especially, you know, you're working daily
(09:52):
with a large group of children, right?
And when your cup is empty, what does that feel like when you walk into the classroom, right?
Like you're more, you're depleted
and you're less likely to have that but patience, whatever it is, right?
And I just, and she said, like, I don't want my children when they're older
to look back and say like, oh, my mom, all she ever did was everything for us.
(10:15):
And all my mom was, was ever exhausted.
And all we ever saw was my mom like, yeah, depleted and just looking after us
and never looking after herself.
And it's like this same idea of like, you wanna show your children that like
you're taking time for yourself. You're enjoying company. You're having adult conversation.
And then I also think about circling back to the, when our family was out of
(10:39):
town and all the stories that everyone brought up were essentially about our grandparents' house.
We talk about their best friends, like our grandparents' best friends,
like just as much as we talk about our grandparents, right?
We knew them so well and they were just a part of our extended family, right? Mm-hmm.
Yeah, absolutely. And it just, I don't know. I think it's, it's missing.
(11:04):
And, and I think too, is that it doesn't, yeah, they, you know,
family doesn't always have to be, you know, biologically and,
you know, it's, but just where there's connection and, and.
Yeah, just, I mean, even like when we look at last week, when we had the family
in town, I mean, we ended up having like three dinners and it was just,
(11:29):
you know, that wasn't the plan.
And it was a bit spontaneous, you know, and everyone just sort of pitched in in different ways.
But I think for all of us to just stop, come together, have the time outside,
you know, what else was more important?
Exactly. I kept thinking that, like, what do I need to do right now other than
(11:52):
drop literally everything, pack the kids in the car, and go to my parents' house?
There was nothing more important than hanging out with everyone, right?
Right. Like, whatever you didn't get to, that was probably going to be there anyways.
Yeah, let's be honest. Let's be honest. Speaking of these, like,
last-minute get-togethers, too, I think it's important to, like,
especially someone who, like, I used to love cooking all the time,
(12:14):
and you know this about me.
I loved cooking different recipes, trying out new things, elaborate meals.
And now I'm like, can you get that quinoa salad from Costco and let's get some burgers on the grill?
And it just doesn't matter because if we put so much time into it,
like, is it great when we can have a delicious, wonderful dinner party? Of course. Sure.
(12:35):
But if that's going to stop you from getting together with everybody,
well, you're not going to have that wonderful food anyway because you're not
going to make it for yourself.
No. But then you didn't get together with anybody either, right?
So now, like, that's what we do as a family. We pretty much get hot dogs,
hamburgs, veggie-burgs, cut up a watermelon.
Like, it doesn't matter. I don't need people to go above and beyond, right?
(12:59):
When I'm at someone's house and they pull, like, cheese and crackers, I'm like, yes. Perfect.
Like, that's great. Yeah, absolutely. Just keeping it simple and just letting
everyone contribute, right?
Right. Like, you know, whether it's providing the location or the space or the food or,
you know, just everyone sort of playing off their comfort and,
(13:23):
you know, and what they feel like they have to contribute.
And that doesn't have to always be the same, but, you know, just that.
You know, I just, I think it's a longing that people have, but we try to pretend,
you know, that we're good and, you know, but I think, okay, so we all would
(13:44):
have just stayed home last week, you know, sat by our, you know,
in our smaller groups and done what we always do.
Yeah. You know, I mean, we have, we have a long winter. We can do that. Yeah.
No, but, you know, so it's just like, yeah, it's, I think.
Yeah i don't know i don't know where i was going with that but we are
(14:07):
wired for connection and it's so odd to like
come out of a pandemic what four years ago now and
well i guess come out of it about three years ago but still you know we experienced
so much isolation to the point where like the surgeon like general has said
(14:28):
like loneliness is its own like epidemic right Right.
And we all, we all knew that, like we experienced it firsthand and we were like,
I can't be in this house. I need people like we need connection.
I want to see my family. I want to get out. Right.
I haven't heard from anybody who said that they loved being alone for months and months upon end.
(14:49):
And we had a lot of, a lot of isolation and lockdowns here in Ontario and Canada.
Went on for a really long time. And it's interesting to like come out of
that and like everyone's like can't wait to see everyone and yet we're kind
of all right back to this place of like you know judging ourselves based on
social media not wanting to get together until everything's perfect having to
(15:11):
make plans and I was like oh my gosh we didn't learn anything.
That's funny yeah and I think I mean I wonder some of it is yeah that pressure,
to like have these elaborate plans which have
to be made in advance because you want to share that
you're doing something big and important right right
(15:32):
but yeah it's
you know like i i look at my summer off or whatever and i don't i don't want
that anymore i don't want i want to try to take the learning from the from the
pandemic but i also just want to get up and And be like,
(15:53):
okay, today it's rainy and I'm tired.
So I'm going to just lay low. But other days I want to be like,
hey, let's go for a drive and try this ice cream place. Or go to the beach.
Or, you know, just...
And I think, too, like...
Opening it up to lots of people. Like sometimes it's like, Oh,
(16:16):
I've got plans with this person and Oh, this person, and they don't know each
other as well, but you know, just kind of being like, Hey, we're all like,
let's just get together. Yeah.
And you know, and it doesn't have to be that everyone has the most meaningful connection.
It's just about being with people and having community. Yeah. Yeah.
(16:39):
Absolutely. Absolutely. I'm thinking about something you just said.
I have to take a minute to remember.
You were talking about, oh, also like this idea of like planning and right.
Like having the date set and having your whole summer booked up, whatever.
Like we've talked about this. It sounds exhausting to me.
I want free days so that I could just see what happens. Right.
(17:01):
And of course, free days for rest.
Like that's, you know, a whole other conversation, but I've started to think
like Like you and I, like when we go out, we do love to like,
you know, pick our coffee shop in Detroit that we're going to go to.
Like we do like to have a good idea, but isn't it so fun also?
And I've actually stopped when I go on vacation, I've stopped looking up like
Google maps or years ago, which used to be Yelp, right? For the best restaurant, the best.
(17:25):
I just stop. I don't want to do that anymore. I don't want to pre-plan.
And a lot of that comes from anyone's like anxiousness about like travel.
You know, you kind of want to pin things down and you make sure you don't miss
anything the best thing comes from just getting there
you stumble on an ice cream shop or
whatever right i think some of it comes from us wanting to share that we had
(17:46):
the best trip or that we found the coolest place you know i think some of it
is a need for and i think that's hard like it's a hard pill for me to swallow
and to say like sometimes i want to be like well look
at this cool thing i did yeah i hear you but i think also yeah some of it is just a need to.
(18:07):
To feel like we've got a plan and it's
under control and right yeah you know because that helps that anxiety like you
said but there's something way more magical when you randomly discover yes right
something and i mean we lived in that world at some point in our life but i
(18:27):
don't think we had enough of it as adults.
You know, because you couldn't do that before, you know, I mean,
unless somebody told you about it, like, unless somebody, you know,
knew about it, and had kind of said, hey, this is really good.
Yeah, yeah. You know, you had to go and discover it, you know, and, you know, I think.
(18:51):
Yeah, I mean, we experienced that earlier, like this year, remember when we
crossed the border and we're in Detroit with our cousin visiting and we didn't have a lunch place.
But we just kind of like rolled by this random location and,
you know, just ended up being this really unique place that I probably would have never stopped at.
(19:15):
I don't know if it would have maybe eventually came on our radar.
But yeah and that's not to say you
can't have ideas or recommendations but oh
absolutely yeah just that whole idea of
the stress of always yeah planning and
like you know gonna like takes away from it
somehow and you're right when we think back to our youth
(19:37):
like yeah we just like we were on a trip we just stopped at
this diner like here i just had a breakfast and it became less
about the like food and the stuff and the
things and just more about like I'm with my family we're
stopping having some food and then we're going to move on and it didn't have to
like be five stars so that there wasn't like this oh I'm disappointed now and
that was negative and that wasn't as good as I thought it was like it's just
(19:58):
it was just like food and we just stopped and we had some lunch right and then
and and you're right like I think about that with our cousin Taylor as well
when we stopped by that lunch place and it was so delicious and it was a great memory and we had so
much fun and it would have been also fine if it
wasn't like the best meal that we'd ever had right like it was
just like we were together we had lunch we were hungry
(20:19):
we checked that off right and it's like it's so funny it all so when we think
about these like having people over for a drink or having people over for a
little afternoon snack whatever right we got so stressed about the things and
we stopped thinking about the people we forget about the whole point of
getting together, right? And the other stuff is just extra.
(20:40):
Everyone's happy with like a bowl of like,
cashews and almonds unless they're allergic to them but you know what i mean like it is all good.
Have some sparkling water in the fridge right we're all
good yeah or at
the end of the day order a pizza just order
a pizza that's why there are so many pizza places just order
(21:02):
a pizza like all good i just love that stuff i
love that last minute like oh my gosh everyone's like coming over
we were gonna do this thing and everyone's in amherstburg and now everyone's coming
over for pizza it's so fun so fun
to have and then and then i get like i can literally feel myself right
now going oh yeah but there's all that stuff on my kitchen table or oh yeah
those blue floors that i don't love or like there's so much stuff in the pantry
(21:25):
that's disorganized and it just doesn't matter doesn't matter yeah no it's and
i i think again that's when i always go back to like,
you know using our grandparents house as an example i think
in some ways when everything is perfect i
actually feel more uncomfortable because i feel like you know am i offsetting
(21:47):
you know the cleanliness or not that you know i'm yeah but some perfect balance
here right i know right you just yeah so true you know but it's like you know
there was nothing like you said like,
and i think it speaks to just the belief system back then is that like you replace
the couch when And it needed to be replaced, not because it needed to be like,
(22:09):
it needed to be a, there was no like look like there wasn't a, you know,
a thing. And, and.
I mean, they and I, you know, have a piece of it. It's just that linoleum, right?
That fire red thing that was in their foyer when you walked in, you know? Right, right.
And by today's standard, you would replace that within minutes of having the house. You would.
(22:32):
But, you know, before, what would they care? It's where everybody's shoes sat. Yeah.
You know, you actually never really see it. Yeah, you don't even think about it even, right?
And, like, your memory of it and my memory of it, I'm like, oh,
my gosh, yes, that was grandma's floor, right?
You know, kids, you love it. My kids love my blue floor. They're like,
well, why would you want a different? Isn't that so cool that we have a blue
(22:52):
floor? I'm like, you're right.
And I just need to be grateful that we have a floor. We have a house.
I have this conversation with you too, right?
Like you're holding like two things at the same time. We have like an ideal
of like our own design choices and what we, like our eyes looks pretty.
But then also it's like, wow, look at all these books I have.
And I have a bedroom. I have air conditioning.
(23:13):
I have heating, clean water, a house, flooring.
Like it's it's fine yeah you know but again we just get caught up in that stuff,
yeah and i think that's where like other elements of society impact our ability to just connect.
Because i think we also feel this pressure to like have and
(23:33):
do everything so we feel this pressure to like have
the house and the cleanliness and the picture worthy things
but also to like have a million things
on the go because that gives us value and
that gives us importance but what
we're losing out on the other side of it is i
think a greater loss absolutely ultimately and
(23:54):
i think absolutely you know i think it leads to like greater loneliness and
greater struggle yeah because we're pretending to connect over other ways like
through social media but it's not the same because we're not just,
like connecting authentically when we desire it like when we you know it's like
(24:19):
okay i'll see in three weeks when we have those lunch plans yeah you know and
there's not to say you know i get that like life requires that sometimes but
if we were to slow down would that allow for greater.
Connection absolutely and i think you're right too like when
we say like we're pretending to connect through social media which we all
(24:40):
know is like a joke that's not real and
you're texting you're not hearing someone's voice right that
doesn't impact your senses in any way right like
it's not like having a phone call it's not like having someone in front of you
have a conversation with right it's not the same there's a yeah there's a really
good podcast with Brene Brown she interviews a lady and it's about like artificial intimacy and And,
(25:09):
you know, the ways that, like,
digital technology can create this armor,
but also this, like, false, obviously, story, right?
And I think we've probably all seen it, right? Where we get an idea or a story
of someone, and then we know the reality of it.
And so I think we believe that that's replacing this connection, but it's not.
(25:36):
Like, it's not the same. Anyways, they go into kind of the science of it and some truth of it.
And I think it's just a bigger topic to the idea which we started,
which is just, you know, these messy dinners, but it all kind of intertwines
into a greater, you know, a greater issue in our society.
(25:57):
And I mean, part of that is that vulnerable, authentic self showing up, right?
And, you know, I think there's vulnerability of letting people through your door or showing up.
And, you know, people, I think, are more inclined to protect that, right?
(26:19):
So we all stay in our houses and we have some connection through social media, texting, whatever.
But you know actually letting someone in there's
something about having a conversation with somebody's face compared to
through a text right and gosh that's
so true yeah and it just makes me think like we've yeah we've just gotten to
(26:42):
a place where we are like falsely like upholding the value of other things other
than people like we actually think someone's gonna be like Like their house
was so cool. So they are so cool.
And that the person isn't actually going to see you. And like,
when you have conversation with them, they're not going to like love you.
(27:02):
And it's like, they are like, you know, but we're just, we've become so,
and, you know, we've brought up social media a few times here.
It's like this huge hovering beast that, you know, even when we can all say
to each other, gosh, I know that's not true.
And yet our brain sees it all the time.
Right. So it has become accustomed to it. But it's what it sees.
(27:22):
And it says, wow, that's really pretty. So I guess that's what I need to have.
And then that makes me X, Y, and Z, right?
Yeah. And if I have anything less than that, like if I have too much stuff or
it's messy or I didn't get to clean it, that somehow means that...
I am less than I should less than about that.
(27:44):
But I also think that's part of why people have feel the need to like pre plan
and have all these other things going on is the fear of what it might mean for
us if we have nothing going on.
Like, what does it say about me? Yeah. I don't have plans and I'm not crazy busy.
Yeah. You know, like that somehow also gives us value because I think some of
(28:10):
the most well-adjusted people are the people who can be alone and that can be
even if they live with people, but they,
they, it's not out of a need.
It's out of a choice. Like they choose to spend their time with people. They choose to connect.
And it's not about, you know, cause lots of people say, well,
(28:30):
I don't share it on social media, but you know, I think you,
you do in a way when you you say oh i like i have i'm already so booked up you
know so yeah so yeah it's so true that's so true um we have a few minutes left
here and i pulled up the crappy dinner party article.
(28:52):
And there's actually five rules of the crappy dinner party okay for people to
follow and And hopefully we can all start having crappy dinner parties so that
we can start having some easy, fun,
recognize how much we are valued. Let each other off the hook.
(29:12):
It's like my house looks like this and your house looks like this and it doesn't matter.
Here we go. Number one, no housework is to be done prior to a guest's arrival.
Huh. Number two, so I'm like, okay, no housework. Again, I think I get to get
away with like wiping the pee off the toilet seat. Yeah, I think that's acceptable.
(29:34):
That can be done as they're walking up to the toilet. As they're walking, right, yeah.
Number two, the menu must be simple and not involve a special grocery shop. I like that.
Literally, just like, again, do you have grilled cheeses?
Do you have something old in your freezer that you want to like?
It doesn't matter. You have fruit you want to cut up, bowl of nuts, like, right?
(29:54):
Yeah, doesn't matter. Bag of popcorn. All good.
I like this one. Number three, you must wear whatever you happen to have on.
That's good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's good.
Again, that's something that could easily stress people out,
right? Like, again, I have to look a certain way. I have to present myself a certain way.
(30:15):
This is what people are going to think about me, right? Yeah, for sure.
This is good because, like, this I understand, like, if it's Christmas time or something special.
But number four, no hostess gifts allowed. out
like yeah like just no need
right yeah yeah I mean fine
if you're contributing yeah like yeah
(30:36):
you know like hey we'll bring this tonight or like you
know but I think sometimes it's like yeah like you're even
the times where you're just having to be there and somebody's like just stay
for dinner like just stay you know absolutely
right it's like we're already making this
it's nothing fancy like not diminishing that
either when it's just like oh tonight we're just having whatever
(30:59):
like you know right it can be possible with some butter on it you know and i
think there's nothing yes you just like totally hit it right there with like
as though like we say well it's nothing fancy like like diminishing it in some
way it's like no it's food right it's great right?
The special part. And I think the more we do this, we can like get past that
(31:23):
anxiousness or that awkwardness about like just letting people come into our
space and into our lives again.
Yes, then the food is special. Why is it special? We will remember how awesome
that buttered pasta was because we had a great laugh and we had a great conversation.
We got to talk about some and things and remember things, memories,
you know, whatever it is, you know, I think then the food is elevated just because
(31:48):
the get together was, yeah, yeah.
Number five, this is just like a joke, but you must act like you're surprised
when your friend or family just happens to show up at your door and then it says optional.
But I want more of the like drive-by drop-ins. Like I want that. I want that. Yeah. Yeah.
(32:09):
Well, yeah. And how weird we feel about doing that when it used to just be so normal. Yeah. Yeah.
And how, you know, people worry so much about it, but it's exciting and it's fun.
And yeah. It is exciting and it is fun. I agree with you, right?
(32:32):
Like, you know, everything we've talked about today.
You know, when I think about that last minute sort of get together, it's fun.
And I, you know, it's really interesting. Like when we moved home from living
away for so long, you know, we moved home literally because we wanted to be back in your family.
But, you know, I have a friend of mine who like, it took us like a year and
(32:53):
a half, two years before we like actually like started to see each other.
Like we saw each other like once or twice.
It's a very good friend of mine. Right. And I just thought, what the heck?
And her and I, speaking of planning, like, Like, as you said,
like sometimes things need to be planned, but like, we were like,
we're going to, we're going to get together once a month, minimum, right?
Minimum. And so we do, we go out for dinner. So this is a whole different thing
(33:13):
from this conversation about having the crappy dinner party at home.
But again, it's like, we've just become so used to like being alone and insular and not connecting.
Like, again, it's just take some effort to like rebuild that habit.
So I don't know what we can do. There's nothing wrong with the need.
Like, obviously, there are a lot of, like, lives to consider in order for the dinner to happen.
(33:35):
And, you know, it obviously depends on proximity and work situations and children
and lives. Like, it's not to say never plan anything.
It's just to say not everything needs to be so pre-planned.
Yeah, absolutely. I've got a little guy joining me. He's like,
you got a sucker? Oh my goodness.
See, have everyone over and just offer them a bowl of candy.
(33:57):
That's what Grandma Betty did sometimes and that's fine.
Or a whole bag of O'Henry's. like
whatever like i've been there done that think then
when i think about that like once a month
like me and my girlfriend planning dinner i think we could
like urge people to be like hey why not
once a month twice a month whatever just at the last minute invite someone over
(34:20):
because you're not going to get over that feeling and that uncomfortableness
without just doing it right yeah it's i mean if that's i mean i guess too it's
it's a value system it's a belief and but it still takes work.
Yeah. You know, and so, you know, that's okay if people see it differently.
But I think you and I have realized, like, it's something we believe in and long for.
(34:45):
So how do we integrate that into our lives?
And it's okay for, just because it's something we desire doesn't mean it doesn't
take a little bit of work.
It's true. Right? Yeah. Just like nudging yourself a little bit.
Building any habit is like that, right? You just nudge yourself a little bit.
But hey, you know what? I'm going to see what everyone's up to tonight.
Whatever, right? Yeah. And that's okay. Sometimes it won't work.
(35:09):
Yeah. You know? Yeah. So.
Well, thank you so much. I appreciate you having this conversation with me. Thank you.
Nana, say hi to Auntie Carrie.
What is that? Is that my sucker? Is that my sucker? Booker.
(35:30):
Thank you so much for listening. Looking forward to sharing more of our parenting
stories, tips and tricks. We'll see you next time.
Music.
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