July 3, 2024 • 25 mins
Grief is a complex and often overwhelming emotion that affects us all at some point in our lives. In this episode of our series, we dive deep into the five faces of denial that can accompany grief, exploring how to navigate this difficult journey together. Join us as we uncover the ways in which denial manifests itself in the grieving process and discover strategies for coping and healing along the way.
Join us at https://www.livingonwards.com/blog/5stagesofdenial to comment on this episode. Join our live community discussions on Patreon, too.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Welcome to the Living Onwards podcast. I am your host, Sarah,
and I am authentically grieving.
Today we'll talk about the five stages of denial in grief.
And I bet you're saying, wait, Sarah, wait, don't you mean five stages of grief?
No, I'm saying the five stages of denial in grief. Somebody say that 20 times fast, right?
(00:22):
This was a new one to me until grief hit me hard in January and on.
So I thought it was worth sharing with you today.
So go ahead and grab your coffee or loaded tea, your water, whatever makes you
chill out. And let's talk about this one for a minute.
We know that grief is complex and a really deeply personal experience,
(00:43):
often marked by a series of emotional stages.
Stages I know that you've heard a lot about the
five stages of grief and I've said before that I
don't like the whole five stages of grief thinking because
it implies there's stages it's like a rocket launch or or stages of cancer and
it implies that you can go to the next one and then the next one and maybe not
(01:05):
be going back others call it the cycle of grief you'll see those graphics where
where it's literally like a cycle with various colors,
and it looks like it flows in a circle or is clockwise,
which might be slightly more accurate.
Really, I agree that you go through denial, anger, bargaining,
depression, and acceptance, but I disagree that they happen separately or any sort of order.
(01:30):
Sometimes they all happen at once, or even get mixed up within a day or even within an hour.
So believe me, you won't hear me today trying to convince you that grief is
linear or that the stages are to be followed or somehow memorized.
I'm just sharing them to give some context to this concept of there being five stages of denial.
(01:53):
Anyways, in the five stages of grief, the first stage is denial.
Denial is a coping mechanism. It helps us process the overwhelming emotions associated with loss.
But denial is far more complex than the word itself implies.
So let's just dig into that a bit. Maybe both of us can gain some insights from
this exploration of denial.
(02:16):
I think that understanding the various forms of denial can provide insights
into the grieving process, hopefully offering comfort and guidance to those
of us navigating through it.
When faced with the loss of a loved one, it's common to experience denial as
the first stage of grief.
Denial acts as a protective shield, cushioning us from the harsh reality of our emotions.
(02:40):
It's like our mind's way of gently breaking the news to our hearts.
Denial is often associated with feelings of shock, numbness, and disbelief.
We may struggle to accept the reality of our loss, and we may even try to convince
ourselves that it's just not true.
We may also find ourselves avoiding reminders of our loved ones or just pretending
(03:04):
that nothing has changed.
During this stage, we may find ourselves questioning the validity of what just
happened or what has happened. in.
Thoughts like this can't be real, or it must be a mistake often swirl in our minds.
We might try to convince ourselves that things will go back to how they were before somehow.
(03:25):
Sometimes I find myself just saying, this is surreal.
It's like an alternate reality I can't believe I found myself in,
or I just want to go back or return from.
Even though we know deep down that our loved one is gone. We struggle to accept the reality of it.
So I think that it's important to know that denial allows us to absorb the shock
(03:48):
and gradually come to terms with the truth at our own pace.
It's okay if you have moments of denial. It's totally normal and so are you in your journey.
You're not crazy as I often have to say that to others because I need to hear it myself at times.
You're surviving this the best that you can, right? So don't rush yourself when
(04:10):
you are in denial or realize you are in denial.
Just acknowledging it is a natural part of grieving and healing.
In due time, acceptance will softly begin its approach.
By the way, acceptance doesn't mean you're happy with the situation,
but rather that you've come to terms with the reality of your When I say that
(04:32):
you've come to terms with the reality of your loss, I also don't mean you agree
with your loss. I don't agree with my loss.
It simply means that you've come to understand rationally that your loved one
is not physically present.
Acceptance can take time, so don't worry if you're not there yet.
Grief doesn't have a timeline or an expiration date.
(04:54):
And honestly, I don't know if I'll ever be okay with losing Carlos. I don't think so.
But I rationally accept that he is not physically present anymore.
Does that make any sense?
By understanding denial for what it is, a temporary refuge in times of just
immense pain, we pave the way for moving forward in our journey towards healing and loss.
(05:18):
So let's go ahead and dig into the five forms of denial, since we probably thought
of it one way before we landed smack dab in the middle of it when we lost our loved ones.
I'll be honest, I thought of denial as just a feeling and a thought,
but it was so much more when I started to really understand it better.
Or perhaps I won't claim to understand it, but at least I've learned more through researching it.
(05:43):
I think it helps to know this so we can recognize it in our own journey,
as well as in others when we see them grieving, especially with our family,
when we see our family grieving exactly what we're grieving.
Maybe this will help us recognize this if it's denial.
So let's start with the first form of denial, which is minimization,
(06:05):
where we might downplay the significance of the loss and convince ourselves
it's not that big of a deal or I'll get over it eventually. or maybe hug it over quickly.
We may also try to minimize our feelings, telling ourselves things like,
I'm not that sad, or I should be handling this better, what's wrong with me?
(06:26):
I know I've kind of done this randomly, thinking I should be handling this better,
or there must be something wrong with me because I'm so upset,
or I can't even match socks at one point.
But then I remember that I've lost my husband. It's a huge life-altering event
and I absolutely should not minimize that and its effect on me as a human. I'm human after all.
(06:48):
If you're minimizing your grief, be kind to yourself.
You are human and that's why you're doing it. Just be aware that you've gone
through an awful event and you owe it to yourself not to minimize the effect on you.
The second form of denial is avoidance, where individuals actively avoid reminders
of their loss or refuse to talk about it.
(07:10):
For me, it's like I put up a shield, shutting these emotions behind the door
and refusing to let it come out.
The reality is that you can try to avoid grief, but it'll eventually get you,
and it'll get you suddenly.
Grief doesn't care about the walls you put up or about your trying to avoid
it. It's going to find you wherever you are, no matter how you go about trying to avoid it.
(07:35):
Do you remember boomerangs? I know I played with one as a kid,
and I'm guessing you did too. Or maybe, hey, maybe you do now.
Grief is like that. It's like a boomerang. It'll come back no matter how far
or how hard you try to throw it away.
When we avoid grief, we simply delay that inevitable boomerang.
(07:58):
We need to be patient and compassionate with ourselves, giving grief its space
while also living onwards through our grief.
If you've been avoiding grief, just pick up your head, square your shoulders,
and turn to face it whenever you can so that you can focus on moving forward
with it as part of your journey.
(08:19):
The third form of denial is intellectualism. I do this.
Have you done this? Have you tried to rationalize your loss to protect yourselves?
I call it trying the logic the illogical. I'm very guilty of this one because
I am happiest when I'm in control.
And I pride myself on being logical over emotional.
(08:40):
So when we intellectualize grief, we try to focus on facts and logic rather than our own feelings.
I'll give you an example from my own experience, or actually a couple examples
I can just think kick off the top of my mind. Here's one.
I lost my grandma, who I was very close to, and I tried to convince myself I
(09:00):
wasn't upset because she had lived a long life and had dementia at the end.
So I tried to rationalize that it was probably better that she passed away when she did.
I was trying to focus on facts and logic rather than my loss,
and of course it didn't work.
Others do it too when carlos died other people told me you know it maybe it's
(09:22):
maybe it's for the better maybe it's okay because he had been sick for so long
with cancer and now he was in a better place quote unquote they were trying
to comfort me through their form of this denial right.
Personally, I find that no matter how much I tried to logic over emotion,
I failed because my heart would scream right back at my logic every time.
(09:46):
When we try to intellectualize grief, we are trying to assert control over it,
and grief isn't so easily controlled, is it?
The fourth form of denial is projection, where you project your grief onto others
so you have to deal with your own grief less.
I'll give you an example or two that helped me understand this form of denial
(10:08):
better from my own experience.
Early on at times, I worried about my cats and dog and their missing Carlos,
their grief about the loss of Carlos.
I pampered them, I cuddled them, I got them treats and all sorts of things.
Sometimes I was so sad about their sadness over losing Carlos.
(10:29):
Silos of course in that example i was
projecting my own grief onto the pets
and focusing my attention on them to help
them through their grief versus accepting that i needed to
focus on mine in that example which is a real one i didn't stay in that denial
type for long maybe an hour or two at a time but it was a way to distract myself
(10:52):
from my own grief so for you what's an example of when you projected your grief on someone else.
One example I thought of was when I get very sad about Carlos missing out on
our daughter's life, like missing his nephew growing up or other things that
he would have absolutely enjoyed.
Is that projecting my grief on him versus on me? I'm actually not sure.
(11:17):
I'd be curious what you think as if that's a form of projecting my grief.
On livingonwards.com and on the blog for this episode, we have a comment section.
You can absolutely comment and I'd love to hear your thoughts there.
The fifth form of denial is isolation.
This form of denial I have witnessed in others who are grieving,
(11:38):
where they withdraw from or avoid social interactions to shield themselves from
confronting their pain.
This is one form of denial I really actively fight against myself.
Exactly because it's so easy to just stay home and not face the real world or
your grief being triggered out there in real life.
It's hard, right? Every time you go out and see someone who knows you lost someone,
(12:03):
they might ask how you're doing.
It's a dumb question. If you ask me, it's like you have to face your pain every
time you see these people because they don't know how to approach you or talk
to you as you versus the person who lost someone.
So they ask how you're doing and you have to somehow answer that every time.
Or what about going out to a movie? You might get triggered because something
(12:24):
in the movie happens or maybe because you and your lost loved one loved movies.
In your home environment, you can try to control the triggers to some degree.
So it's easier for some people, and even myself sometimes, to stay home and
control your environment to try to control your grief. But guess what?
I think you've already heard me say a few episodes and a few times that you
(12:48):
can't control grief wherever you are.
Staying in bed or walking into the store, grief walks with you and you can't avoid it.
Yet I catch myself at times tempted to do exactly that.
So when my friends or family ask if I want to go somewhere, I actively like
resist that temptation to say no, and just staying home and avoiding seeing anyone.
(13:11):
I intentionally put something on the calendar on my days off and invite others so that I actually do it.
The other night, I had told my buddy I I would go somewhere with her after work.
And my mom coincidentally called as I was leaving.
She asked, hey, where are you going tonight? And I said, oh,
I don't know. There's some market thing and they have some vendors and then something else.
(13:32):
And I think she said something like, you know, you know, what else are they doing?
Or don't you know what what else is going on? And or maybe she asked for some details.
And I said, well, you know, when my buddy called, I I didn't really care where
or what. I just decided to go because I just needed to get out.
I think that's the point is, is that the goal here in avoiding isolation or
(13:57):
not falling for this type of denial is to just not overthink it.
Get out. Know that that's a very real form of denial that I think all of us face at various points.
And we all struggle with isolation temptations. So even if something as small
as deciding to accept any invites you get to go out or or making it a point
(14:18):
to go to the coffee shop every other day, or anything that gets you outside of the four walls.
Just do it. Don't overthink it.
Minimization, avoidance, intellectualization, projection, and isolation are
the five forms of denial.
I think if you'd thrown a pop quiz at me and asked me what the five forms of
(14:38):
denial are, I might have gotten two of those or three of those right.
I will say that it's not about the words or the definitions of the forms of denial.
This is about the reality that denial is very normal.
And it's our way of coping so that we can try to navigate the complexities of our grief and loss.
I personally always believe that awareness is half the battle.
(15:03):
And by recognizing these different types of denial, we can begin to understand
and address our emotions more effectively while we focus on living onwards. words.
I think we can all agree that when grief strikes, denial can become a shield
against that harsh reality of loss.
I wonder what a psychiatrist would say about whether that would count as fight or flight.
(15:24):
Maybe denial is neither? I don't know.
You're just not facing it. So is it either fight or flight?
Ah, interesting. I'll have to think more about that. And if you have thoughts
to share, share it in the comments on livingonwards.com as well.
So I generally think that denial can manifest as numbness or disbelief,
(15:45):
a refusal to accept what has happened.
It's like your mind is trying to protect you from overwhelming pain by creating
this temporary barrier.
I can remember when I first heard that Carlos had cancer, it was this head to toe numbness and shock.
I don't know if that was denial per se, but I can grasp how physical grief and denial can hit you.
(16:09):
It's like your body is trying to process what your mind is refusing to acknowledge.
It creates this total conflict between your body and mind.
And somewhere in there, I think, is denial. And then in there is perhaps what
denial could cause physically.
There's also a behavior side to denial. And I bet you you've seen this in others,
(16:30):
whether they were grieving or not.
And perhaps you're going through this yourself right now in grief.
In our behavior, denial might lead to avoidance or detachment from the situation at hand.
You might find yourself unable to talk about the loss or refusing to engage
with memories that evoke painful emotions.
(16:50):
You might outright avoid situations that could trigger that reality so that
you can keep denying what has happened.
Keep denying your loss. Denial is obviously a coping mechanism that can serve
as a buffer during those initial stages of grieving.
It's your survival mode kicking in so that you can process.
(17:12):
You and I both know you can't live in denial. Denial is not a river in Egypt,
a state of being or a state of life.
It's the opposite of reality. And reality will come find you eventually.
I think for many of us, although I think for many of us, although it can be
very brief and can happen more than once in our grieving process,
(17:33):
when we're confronted with the reality we try to deny, I, it just hurts twice as much, doesn't it?
Prolonged denial can hinder healing and acceptance in the long run.
We have to face our emotions head-on so that we can grow our understanding and
our new reality amidst our grief.
Now that we know more about the stages of denial and grief, we might be able
(17:57):
to recognize denial in ourselves and others we love.
Our job is not to force reality on others, but to make it okay for them to face the reality of loss.
Being aware of this ourselves allows us to confront our pain and continue on
our grief journey, as we know this is just a natural part of the process.
(18:19):
I think this self-awareness enables us to navigate through grief with more clarity and resilience.
We need to learn to find a path towards living onwards despite the pain of of our loss.
We aren't moving on, by the way. We're moving forward.
If you haven't listened to my episode about moving forward, not on,
(18:40):
you might want to check that out next.
Now, instead, we're finding a way to carry that loss forward while still seeking joy and living.
If we do that, we honor our experiences and allow ourselves to grow from them
or perhaps in spite of them.
More importantly, or perhaps most importantly, we give ourselves permission
(19:03):
to grieve authentically and ultimately survive the challenges that come with our loss.
If we deny this reality, we can't do that. We're stuck in a reality that no longer exists.
You deserve compassion. You deserve understanding.
And you deserve assistance as you navigate this journey called grief.
(19:24):
And that is almost impossible to get if you deny you are on this journey or don't admit reality.
When it comes to grief, honoring your emotions is crucial. It's okay to feel
sad, angry, or even numb.
Embracing those feelings allows us to process the pain of loss and begin the healing.
Honoring our emotions means giving
(19:45):
ourselves a permission to grieve in our own way and at our own pace.
There is no right or wrong timeline for mourning a loss. Everyone experiences grief differently.
We need to avoid suppressing our emotions or putting on a brave face for others.
We should express how we feel authentically so we can navigate through the difficult
(20:05):
stages of grief with more resilience.
I think we can all agree that it's normal to experience a range of conflicting
emotions simultaneously.
Sometimes I feel all of the above at the same time.
Give yourself permission and space to sit with these feelings without judgment or criticism.
I think by honoring our emotions, we're not only showing compassion towards
(20:29):
ourselves, but we're also paving the way forward to eventual acceptance of reality
and finding peace amidst the storms of grief.
One thing that I knew I had to do early on was to find a coping mechanism or more, one or more.
Different people will find different things to help them cope with their grief.
(20:50):
And if one doesn't work, just try another.
I think the biggest thing I'd say to do is to just do it.
Keep trying to find your coping mechanisms until you find one that works for you.
It might be a lot of small all coping mechanisms, that's okay.
For example, sometimes getting involved with activities like painting,
gardening, or nature walks can help you be distracted temporarily and provide a sense of peace.
(21:16):
Sometimes coping mechanisms can come in the form of talking to loved ones or
joining a support group where you can share your feelings openly without judgment.
Mindfulness techniques are Or another coping mechanism some find effective was
meditation and deep breathing exercise helping to ground you in the present
moment and redirect your thoughts from any anxiety or despair.
(21:40):
Taking care of yourself physically by getting enough rest, eating well-balanced
meals, and exercising regularly also plays a vital role in managing your grief.
In my case, I like to read, garden, and explore little quaint towns.
I joined Grief Share right after Carlos died, and I found that talking about
my emotions and experience there was cathartic and made me feel a lot less alone.
(22:05):
I also found friends there that I still talk to to this day.
I use a tapping meditation app for help in clearing my mind and focusing my
thoughts away from my anxiety and my grief.
I admit that I used to eat my grief, as I like to say, but I'm working on not
(22:26):
turning to food as my coping mechanism, but rather turning to exercise or rest.
As I said, your coping mechanisms will be true to you and you'll know it when
you find it. The hope is that you
don't turn to bad coping mechanisms that will hurt you in the long run.
The goal here is to find coping mechanisms that help you, and that's going to
(22:47):
be very specific to you, but I do hope you find some.
Developing coping mechanisms takes time, trial and error, to find what you need and what works for you.
Be patient with yourself as you navigate living onwards.
Be kind to yourself, my friend. As you navigate through the five stages of denial
and grief, remember that it's a unique and personal journey.
(23:11):
Developing coping mechanisms is crucial to moving forward and healing.
Seek support from your loved ones, consider therapy or counseling,
engage in self-care activities, and allow yourself time to grieve.
Embrace the emotions that come with loss and know that it's okay to not be okay all the time.
(23:31):
Remember, grief is a process, but with time and resilience, you can learn to
live life again after loss.
Stay strong and take each day as it comes on your path towards survival.
In the journey of grief, educating ourselves about the process can be a powerful
tool for healing and growth.
By understanding the five stages of denial in grief and how they manifest emotionally
(23:56):
and behaviorally, we can navigate our feelings with more awareness and compassion
for ourselves and others.
Everyone's journey is different, and this is a no-judgment zone.
You do you, and you do your grief, and I'll do mine the best that I'm able to do it.
Learning about healthy coping mechanisms, seeking support from loved ones or
(24:18):
professionals, honoring one's emotions, and developing resilience to move forward
are all integral parts of living onwards.
Remember that it is okay to grieve at your own pace and in your own way. You are you.
Each person's journey through grief is unique, but by facing this denial head
on and embracing the process with self-compassion, we can begin to heal and
(24:42):
eventually thrive again.
Embrace the journey of grief as a path towards acceptance, growth,
and ultimately finding peace amidst all this loss.
As we come to the end of this episode, I wanted to say thank you.
Thank you for spending the time with me, and I look forward to seeing you in
the comments on livingonwards.com.
Welcome to the Living Onwards podcast. I am your host, Sarah,
and I am authentically grieving.
Today we'll talk about the five stages of denial in grief.
And I bet you're saying, wait, Sarah, wait, don't you mean five stages of grief?
No, I'm saying the five stages of denial in grief. Somebody say that 20 times fast, right?
(00:22):
This was a new one to me until grief hit me hard in January and on.
So I thought it was worth sharing with you today.
So go ahead and grab your coffee or loaded tea, your water, whatever makes you
chill out. And let's talk about this one for a minute.
We know that grief is complex and a really deeply personal experience,
(00:43):
often marked by a series of emotional stages.
Stages I know that you've heard a lot about the
five stages of grief and I've said before that I
don't like the whole five stages of grief thinking because
it implies there's stages it's like a rocket launch or or stages of cancer and
it implies that you can go to the next one and then the next one and maybe not
(01:05):
be going back others call it the cycle of grief you'll see those graphics where
where it's literally like a cycle with various colors,
and it looks like it flows in a circle or is clockwise,
which might be slightly more accurate.
Really, I agree that you go through denial, anger, bargaining,
depression, and acceptance, but I disagree that they happen separately or any sort of order.
(01:30):
Sometimes they all happen at once, or even get mixed up within a day or even within an hour.
So believe me, you won't hear me today trying to convince you that grief is
linear or that the stages are to be followed or somehow memorized.
I'm just sharing them to give some context to this concept of there being five stages of denial.
(01:53):
Anyways, in the five stages of grief, the first stage is denial.
Denial is a coping mechanism. It helps us process the overwhelming emotions associated with loss.
But denial is far more complex than the word itself implies.
So let's just dig into that a bit. Maybe both of us can gain some insights from
this exploration of denial.
(02:16):
I think that understanding the various forms of denial can provide insights
into the grieving process, hopefully offering comfort and guidance to those
of us navigating through it.
When faced with the loss of a loved one, it's common to experience denial as
the first stage of grief.
Denial acts as a protective shield, cushioning us from the harsh reality of our emotions.
(02:40):
It's like our mind's way of gently breaking the news to our hearts.
Denial is often associated with feelings of shock, numbness, and disbelief.
We may struggle to accept the reality of our loss, and we may even try to convince
ourselves that it's just not true.
We may also find ourselves avoiding reminders of our loved ones or just pretending
(03:04):
that nothing has changed.
During this stage, we may find ourselves questioning the validity of what just
happened or what has happened. in.
Thoughts like this can't be real, or it must be a mistake often swirl in our minds.
We might try to convince ourselves that things will go back to how they were before somehow.
(03:25):
Sometimes I find myself just saying, this is surreal.
It's like an alternate reality I can't believe I found myself in,
or I just want to go back or return from.
Even though we know deep down that our loved one is gone. We struggle to accept the reality of it.
So I think that it's important to know that denial allows us to absorb the shock
(03:48):
and gradually come to terms with the truth at our own pace.
It's okay if you have moments of denial. It's totally normal and so are you in your journey.
You're not crazy as I often have to say that to others because I need to hear it myself at times.
You're surviving this the best that you can, right? So don't rush yourself when
(04:10):
you are in denial or realize you are in denial.
Just acknowledging it is a natural part of grieving and healing.
In due time, acceptance will softly begin its approach.
By the way, acceptance doesn't mean you're happy with the situation,
but rather that you've come to terms with the reality of your When I say that
(04:32):
you've come to terms with the reality of your loss, I also don't mean you agree
with your loss. I don't agree with my loss.
It simply means that you've come to understand rationally that your loved one
is not physically present.
Acceptance can take time, so don't worry if you're not there yet.
Grief doesn't have a timeline or an expiration date.
(04:54):
And honestly, I don't know if I'll ever be okay with losing Carlos. I don't think so.
But I rationally accept that he is not physically present anymore.
Does that make any sense?
By understanding denial for what it is, a temporary refuge in times of just
immense pain, we pave the way for moving forward in our journey towards healing and loss.
(05:18):
So let's go ahead and dig into the five forms of denial, since we probably thought
of it one way before we landed smack dab in the middle of it when we lost our loved ones.
I'll be honest, I thought of denial as just a feeling and a thought,
but it was so much more when I started to really understand it better.
Or perhaps I won't claim to understand it, but at least I've learned more through researching it.
(05:43):
I think it helps to know this so we can recognize it in our own journey,
as well as in others when we see them grieving, especially with our family,
when we see our family grieving exactly what we're grieving.
Maybe this will help us recognize this if it's denial.
So let's start with the first form of denial, which is minimization,
(06:05):
where we might downplay the significance of the loss and convince ourselves
it's not that big of a deal or I'll get over it eventually. or maybe hug it over quickly.
We may also try to minimize our feelings, telling ourselves things like,
I'm not that sad, or I should be handling this better, what's wrong with me?
(06:26):
I know I've kind of done this randomly, thinking I should be handling this better,
or there must be something wrong with me because I'm so upset,
or I can't even match socks at one point.
But then I remember that I've lost my husband. It's a huge life-altering event
and I absolutely should not minimize that and its effect on me as a human. I'm human after all.
(06:48):
If you're minimizing your grief, be kind to yourself.
You are human and that's why you're doing it. Just be aware that you've gone
through an awful event and you owe it to yourself not to minimize the effect on you.
The second form of denial is avoidance, where individuals actively avoid reminders
of their loss or refuse to talk about it.
(07:10):
For me, it's like I put up a shield, shutting these emotions behind the door
and refusing to let it come out.
The reality is that you can try to avoid grief, but it'll eventually get you,
and it'll get you suddenly.
Grief doesn't care about the walls you put up or about your trying to avoid
it. It's going to find you wherever you are, no matter how you go about trying to avoid it.
(07:35):
Do you remember boomerangs? I know I played with one as a kid,
and I'm guessing you did too. Or maybe, hey, maybe you do now.
Grief is like that. It's like a boomerang. It'll come back no matter how far
or how hard you try to throw it away.
When we avoid grief, we simply delay that inevitable boomerang.
(07:58):
We need to be patient and compassionate with ourselves, giving grief its space
while also living onwards through our grief.
If you've been avoiding grief, just pick up your head, square your shoulders,
and turn to face it whenever you can so that you can focus on moving forward
with it as part of your journey.
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The third form of denial is intellectualism. I do this.
Have you done this? Have you tried to rationalize your loss to protect yourselves?
I call it trying the logic the illogical. I'm very guilty of this one because
I am happiest when I'm in control.
And I pride myself on being logical over emotional.
(08:40):
So when we intellectualize grief, we try to focus on facts and logic rather than our own feelings.
I'll give you an example from my own experience, or actually a couple examples
I can just think kick off the top of my mind. Here's one.
I lost my grandma, who I was very close to, and I tried to convince myself I
(09:00):
wasn't upset because she had lived a long life and had dementia at the end.
So I tried to rationalize that it was probably better that she passed away when she did.
I was trying to focus on facts and logic rather than my loss,
and of course it didn't work.
Others do it too when carlos died other people told me you know it maybe it's
(09:22):
maybe it's for the better maybe it's okay because he had been sick for so long
with cancer and now he was in a better place quote unquote they were trying
to comfort me through their form of this denial right.
Personally, I find that no matter how much I tried to logic over emotion,
I failed because my heart would scream right back at my logic every time.
(09:46):
When we try to intellectualize grief, we are trying to assert control over it,
and grief isn't so easily controlled, is it?
The fourth form of denial is projection, where you project your grief onto others
so you have to deal with your own grief less.
I'll give you an example or two that helped me understand this form of denial
(10:08):
better from my own experience.
Early on at times, I worried about my cats and dog and their missing Carlos,
their grief about the loss of Carlos.
I pampered them, I cuddled them, I got them treats and all sorts of things.
Sometimes I was so sad about their sadness over losing Carlos.
(10:29):
Silos of course in that example i was
projecting my own grief onto the pets
and focusing my attention on them to help
them through their grief versus accepting that i needed to
focus on mine in that example which is a real one i didn't stay in that denial
type for long maybe an hour or two at a time but it was a way to distract myself
(10:52):
from my own grief so for you what's an example of when you projected your grief on someone else.
One example I thought of was when I get very sad about Carlos missing out on
our daughter's life, like missing his nephew growing up or other things that
he would have absolutely enjoyed.
Is that projecting my grief on him versus on me? I'm actually not sure.
(11:17):
I'd be curious what you think as if that's a form of projecting my grief.
On livingonwards.com and on the blog for this episode, we have a comment section.
You can absolutely comment and I'd love to hear your thoughts there.
The fifth form of denial is isolation.
This form of denial I have witnessed in others who are grieving,
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where they withdraw from or avoid social interactions to shield themselves from
confronting their pain.
This is one form of denial I really actively fight against myself.
Exactly because it's so easy to just stay home and not face the real world or
your grief being triggered out there in real life.
It's hard, right? Every time you go out and see someone who knows you lost someone,
(12:03):
they might ask how you're doing.
It's a dumb question. If you ask me, it's like you have to face your pain every
time you see these people because they don't know how to approach you or talk
to you as you versus the person who lost someone.
So they ask how you're doing and you have to somehow answer that every time.
Or what about going out to a movie? You might get triggered because something
(12:24):
in the movie happens or maybe because you and your lost loved one loved movies.
In your home environment, you can try to control the triggers to some degree.
So it's easier for some people, and even myself sometimes, to stay home and
control your environment to try to control your grief. But guess what?
I think you've already heard me say a few episodes and a few times that you
(12:48):
can't control grief wherever you are.
Staying in bed or walking into the store, grief walks with you and you can't avoid it.
Yet I catch myself at times tempted to do exactly that.
So when my friends or family ask if I want to go somewhere, I actively like
resist that temptation to say no, and just staying home and avoiding seeing anyone.
(13:11):
I intentionally put something on the calendar on my days off and invite others so that I actually do it.
The other night, I had told my buddy I I would go somewhere with her after work.
And my mom coincidentally called as I was leaving.
She asked, hey, where are you going tonight? And I said, oh,
I don't know. There's some market thing and they have some vendors and then something else.
(13:32):
And I think she said something like, you know, you know, what else are they doing?
Or don't you know what what else is going on? And or maybe she asked for some details.
And I said, well, you know, when my buddy called, I I didn't really care where
or what. I just decided to go because I just needed to get out.
I think that's the point is, is that the goal here in avoiding isolation or
(13:57):
not falling for this type of denial is to just not overthink it.
Get out. Know that that's a very real form of denial that I think all of us face at various points.
And we all struggle with isolation temptations. So even if something as small
as deciding to accept any invites you get to go out or or making it a point
(14:18):
to go to the coffee shop every other day, or anything that gets you outside of the four walls.
Just do it. Don't overthink it.
Minimization, avoidance, intellectualization, projection, and isolation are
the five forms of denial.
I think if you'd thrown a pop quiz at me and asked me what the five forms of
(14:38):
denial are, I might have gotten two of those or three of those right.
I will say that it's not about the words or the definitions of the forms of denial.
This is about the reality that denial is very normal.
And it's our way of coping so that we can try to navigate the complexities of our grief and loss.
I personally always believe that awareness is half the battle.
(15:03):
And by recognizing these different types of denial, we can begin to understand
and address our emotions more effectively while we focus on living onwards. words.
I think we can all agree that when grief strikes, denial can become a shield
against that harsh reality of loss.
I wonder what a psychiatrist would say about whether that would count as fight or flight.
(15:24):
Maybe denial is neither? I don't know.
You're just not facing it. So is it either fight or flight?
Ah, interesting. I'll have to think more about that. And if you have thoughts
to share, share it in the comments on livingonwards.com as well.
So I generally think that denial can manifest as numbness or disbelief,
(15:45):
a refusal to accept what has happened.
It's like your mind is trying to protect you from overwhelming pain by creating
this temporary barrier.
I can remember when I first heard that Carlos had cancer, it was this head to toe numbness and shock.
I don't know if that was denial per se, but I can grasp how physical grief and denial can hit you.
(16:09):
It's like your body is trying to process what your mind is refusing to acknowledge.
It creates this total conflict between your body and mind.
And somewhere in there, I think, is denial. And then in there is perhaps what
denial could cause physically.
There's also a behavior side to denial. And I bet you you've seen this in others,
(16:30):
whether they were grieving or not.
And perhaps you're going through this yourself right now in grief.
In our behavior, denial might lead to avoidance or detachment from the situation at hand.
You might find yourself unable to talk about the loss or refusing to engage
with memories that evoke painful emotions.
(16:50):
You might outright avoid situations that could trigger that reality so that
you can keep denying what has happened.
Keep denying your loss. Denial is obviously a coping mechanism that can serve
as a buffer during those initial stages of grieving.
It's your survival mode kicking in so that you can process.
(17:12):
You and I both know you can't live in denial. Denial is not a river in Egypt,
a state of being or a state of life.
It's the opposite of reality. And reality will come find you eventually.
I think for many of us, although I think for many of us, although it can be
very brief and can happen more than once in our grieving process,
(17:33):
when we're confronted with the reality we try to deny, I, it just hurts twice as much, doesn't it?
Prolonged denial can hinder healing and acceptance in the long run.
We have to face our emotions head-on so that we can grow our understanding and
our new reality amidst our grief.
Now that we know more about the stages of denial and grief, we might be able
(17:57):
to recognize denial in ourselves and others we love.
Our job is not to force reality on others, but to make it okay for them to face the reality of loss.
Being aware of this ourselves allows us to confront our pain and continue on
our grief journey, as we know this is just a natural part of the process.
(18:19):
I think this self-awareness enables us to navigate through grief with more clarity and resilience.
We need to learn to find a path towards living onwards despite the pain of of our loss.
We aren't moving on, by the way. We're moving forward.
If you haven't listened to my episode about moving forward, not on,
(18:40):
you might want to check that out next.
Now, instead, we're finding a way to carry that loss forward while still seeking joy and living.
If we do that, we honor our experiences and allow ourselves to grow from them
or perhaps in spite of them.
More importantly, or perhaps most importantly, we give ourselves permission
(19:03):
to grieve authentically and ultimately survive the challenges that come with our loss.
If we deny this reality, we can't do that. We're stuck in a reality that no longer exists.
You deserve compassion. You deserve understanding.
And you deserve assistance as you navigate this journey called grief.
(19:24):
And that is almost impossible to get if you deny you are on this journey or don't admit reality.
When it comes to grief, honoring your emotions is crucial. It's okay to feel
sad, angry, or even numb.
Embracing those feelings allows us to process the pain of loss and begin the healing.
Honoring our emotions means giving
(19:45):
ourselves a permission to grieve in our own way and at our own pace.
There is no right or wrong timeline for mourning a loss. Everyone experiences grief differently.
We need to avoid suppressing our emotions or putting on a brave face for others.
We should express how we feel authentically so we can navigate through the difficult
(20:05):
stages of grief with more resilience.
I think we can all agree that it's normal to experience a range of conflicting
emotions simultaneously.
Sometimes I feel all of the above at the same time.
Give yourself permission and space to sit with these feelings without judgment or criticism.
I think by honoring our emotions, we're not only showing compassion towards
(20:29):
ourselves, but we're also paving the way forward to eventual acceptance of reality
and finding peace amidst the storms of grief.
One thing that I knew I had to do early on was to find a coping mechanism or more, one or more.
Different people will find different things to help them cope with their grief.
(20:50):
And if one doesn't work, just try another.
I think the biggest thing I'd say to do is to just do it.
Keep trying to find your coping mechanisms until you find one that works for you.
It might be a lot of small all coping mechanisms, that's okay.
For example, sometimes getting involved with activities like painting,
gardening, or nature walks can help you be distracted temporarily and provide a sense of peace.
(21:16):
Sometimes coping mechanisms can come in the form of talking to loved ones or
joining a support group where you can share your feelings openly without judgment.
Mindfulness techniques are Or another coping mechanism some find effective was
meditation and deep breathing exercise helping to ground you in the present
moment and redirect your thoughts from any anxiety or despair.
(21:40):
Taking care of yourself physically by getting enough rest, eating well-balanced
meals, and exercising regularly also plays a vital role in managing your grief.
In my case, I like to read, garden, and explore little quaint towns.
I joined Grief Share right after Carlos died, and I found that talking about
my emotions and experience there was cathartic and made me feel a lot less alone.
(22:05):
I also found friends there that I still talk to to this day.
I use a tapping meditation app for help in clearing my mind and focusing my
thoughts away from my anxiety and my grief.
I admit that I used to eat my grief, as I like to say, but I'm working on not
(22:26):
turning to food as my coping mechanism, but rather turning to exercise or rest.
As I said, your coping mechanisms will be true to you and you'll know it when
you find it. The hope is that you
don't turn to bad coping mechanisms that will hurt you in the long run.
The goal here is to find coping mechanisms that help you, and that's going to
(22:47):
be very specific to you, but I do hope you find some.
Developing coping mechanisms takes time, trial and error, to find what you need and what works for you.
Be patient with yourself as you navigate living onwards.
Be kind to yourself, my friend. As you navigate through the five stages of denial
and grief, remember that it's a unique and personal journey.
(23:11):
Developing coping mechanisms is crucial to moving forward and healing.
Seek support from your loved ones, consider therapy or counseling,
engage in self-care activities, and allow yourself time to grieve.
Embrace the emotions that come with loss and know that it's okay to not be okay all the time.
(23:31):
Remember, grief is a process, but with time and resilience, you can learn to
live life again after loss.
Stay strong and take each day as it comes on your path towards survival.
In the journey of grief, educating ourselves about the process can be a powerful
tool for healing and growth.
By understanding the five stages of denial in grief and how they manifest emotionally
(23:56):
and behaviorally, we can navigate our feelings with more awareness and compassion
for ourselves and others.
Everyone's journey is different, and this is a no-judgment zone.
You do you, and you do your grief, and I'll do mine the best that I'm able to do it.
Learning about healthy coping mechanisms, seeking support from loved ones or
(24:18):
professionals, honoring one's emotions, and developing resilience to move forward
are all integral parts of living onwards.
Remember that it is okay to grieve at your own pace and in your own way. You are you.
Each person's journey through grief is unique, but by facing this denial head
on and embracing the process with self-compassion, we can begin to heal and
(24:42):
eventually thrive again.
Embrace the journey of grief as a path towards acceptance, growth,
and ultimately finding peace amidst all this loss.
As we come to the end of this episode, I wanted to say thank you.
Thank you for spending the time with me, and I look forward to seeing you in
the comments on livingonwards.com.
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