July 12, 2024 • 29 mins
Grief is a universal experience that touches us all at some point in our lives. In times of loss, finding the right words to comfort those who are grieving can be a daunting task. However, with the power of empathy and understanding, we can navigate through this delicate journey together. Join us as we explore the art of comforting hearts in grief and discover how simple words can make a world of difference during difficult times. For those grieving, hear how to accept support from those who love you and understand that you are uniquely grieving as you learn to focus on living onwards.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Hello once again, and welcome to the Living Onwards podcast.
I am your host, Sarah, and I am authentically grieving.
Today we'll talk about how to comfort each other in our grief and help others with their grief.
I will tell you, I have always struggled with what to say to someone who is
grieving, but I think I got better at it over the years.
(00:22):
Perhaps that's maturity, perhaps that's experience, or maybe I just learned
to stop talking when I didn't have anything to say.
Sometimes it is better to say less versus more and to do something versus just offer to help.
Now that I am actively grieving the loss of my husband, I find that many don't
know what to say to me or do for me.
(00:44):
Or worse, they say something stupid that is more hurtful than helpful.
Grateful whether you are grieving and want to hear
about how to handle the words or offers of help that
you've received or you want to help someone who is
grieving this is the podcast for you so grab your coffee grab your caffeine
loaded tea whatever and chill out with me let's talk about this one let's level
(01:10):
set here with a seemingly common sense assumption which is that no one is immune
to the profound impacts of grief.
It is a universal human experience that touches us all at some point in our lives.
In times of sorrow, finding the right words to comfort those who are grieving
can make a world of difference.
(01:30):
Even when someone seems to be okay or strong or is handling their grief outwardly,
we can still find ways to comfort them even when they act like they don't need your comfort.
Let's explore the power of offering support, kindness, and understanding through
heartfelt expressions during moments of loss and sadness.
(01:50):
Let's delve into how choosing the right words and actions can surely make a
difference in comforting hearts in grief.
If you are grieving yourself, let's dig into how you can receive comfort from others.
No matter where you are now, whether you're grieving or comforting those who
are grieving, the goal is to help each other in living onwards.
(02:12):
One thing we need to be aware of when comforting one another is that grief is
a complex and deeply personal journey that manifests differently for everyone.
It's not a linear process. There is no scientific formula with defined stages
or cycles, but rather it's a roller coaster of emotions from denial and anger
(02:33):
to bargaining, depression, and eventual acceptance.
If you haven't heard my episode about the five stages of denial and grief,
I'd suggest listening to it.
Each person navigates grief in their own way, influenced by their relationships,
beliefs, and experiences.
The grieving process can be unpredictable and overwhelming at times.
(02:54):
One day may feel manageable, while the next could bring intense waves of sadness or numbness.
It's essential to allow someone the time and space needed to mourn without judgment or pressure.
Often as individuals move through grief, they may experience various physical,
emotional, or physiological symptoms.
(03:17):
These often change day to day as well. So even if someone feels fine or looks
okay in a moment in time, that changes quickly.
Never assume that because you saw them and they were doing great in a moment,
they're doing great now.
Often grief changes quickly, and these changes can include fatigue,
anxiety, feeling guilty, sadness.
(03:38):
Aloneness, hopelessness, and confusion about what the future holds.
Grief is dynamic and not scripted or linear.
If you are grieving, you know that how others see you heavily depends on how
you are doing in the moment they see you.
For those comforting others in grief, know that while the griever is living
onwards, they are often just living or surviving moment to moment.
(04:01):
So in order to know how to support them, we all need to agree there is no simple
fix, no one thing you can do, and no magic wand you'll find to help support them in their grief.
What you can do is equip yourself with an understanding of how you can offer
comfort and support so that you can find that best fit for the moment your loved ones are in grief.
(04:23):
Does that make sense? If you think of grief as a journey that is complex and
unique, you'll know that the
ways in which you come alongside to help will need to be unique as well.
The ways in which you offer comfort and support don't need to be complex.
Sometimes simple is best. And as I said at the beginning, sometimes saying nothing
but doing anything has far more value than just saying something to say something.
(04:48):
Offering comfort and support in crucial times of grief is crucial.
It provides a glimmer of light in the darkness that envelops someone who is
mourning the loss of a loved one.
For those grieving, it is easy
to feel alone or misunderstood as the world moves on despite their loss.
Your stepping in to offer comfort and support in your unique way helps those
(05:11):
grieving to know they are seen, their hurt is known, and that someone is there for them.
Sometimes it is a big help to simply make it clear in words and that actions
that you are aware, that you are caring, that you are ready to help,
and that you don't pretend to understand, but are willing to learn what they
need in order to focus on living onwards.
(05:32):
If you are grieving, look for those friends and family who have shared that
with you, even if they did it imperfectly.
People want to help. They often just don't know how to say it or show it.
The goal here is to communicate your heart, and that you want to comfort and support.
And for those grieving, to know who in their circle is offering that to them.
(05:54):
Simply being there for someone can make a world of difference.
Your presence, whether physical or virtual, shows that you care and are willing
to provide a shoulder to lean on.
Sometimes it's not about finding the perfect words, but also showing empathy,
authenticity, and understanding.
We often hesitate to intrude on someone grieving, and when we are grieving,
(06:17):
we don't want to burden others with our grief. But guess what?
People want to help, and you are not a burden if you are grieving.
And for those comforting others, think of how to comfort them in the least intrusive way.
Do not insert yourself into the situation, but be there for the person in the
situation and grieving.
(06:38):
How do you do that, you ask? Well, let's talk about exactly that.
Try this. Listen attentively without judgment and allow those who you are comforting
to express their emotions freely.
It really creates a safe space for them to share their thoughts and feelings
without fear of criticism or dismissal.
Your willingness to listen speaks
(07:00):
volumes and it talks and shows your your compassion, and support of them.
Remember, your role here is not to solve or fix their grief.
You are just not capable of that,
but you are capable of listening and supporting them in their journey.
If you are grieving, please don't expect others to fix their grief or solve
(07:21):
issues for you, but rather share with them your grief and challenges and make
specific asks if you have them.
Another idea is to make small gestures like sending a heartfelt card,
preparing a meal, or offering assistance with daily tasks.
This can convey your genuine desire to help ease their burden during difficult times.
(07:44):
If the person has kids, offer to pick them up from school or take them to activities.
Acts of kindness go well beyond words and demonstrate your love and concern in real ways.
This gives you an opportunity to help in natural ways while also giving the
person grieving the time with themselves or to do something for themselves.
(08:05):
If you are the one grieving, please say yes to these offers of help,
even if it seems like you're burdening the person.
Give others the opportunity to help you and know that you are comforting them
as well as they are comforting you. They want to help.
Generally, remember that offering comfort and support isn't just about saying the right things.
(08:27):
It's about genuinely caring for someone who's hurting.
By extending kindness and understanding, you can help lighten their load as
they navigate through the roller coaster of emotions that come with grief.
If they say no or don't answer, please don't take it personally. Try again.
Remember what I said earlier. Grief is complex and not a moment in time.
(08:50):
The next time you offer a reach out may be different than other times you reached out.
It's not personal to you if the person grieving doesn't say yes or respond to you often.
They are in their own world, just trying to focus on living onwards.
And next time, they may be in a better space and able to accept your offer of help or comfort.
(09:11):
Don't give up. Please don't give up on comforting someone grieving.
And if you're grieving, accept it whenever you're ready and whenever you can.
I know that words seem inadequate, but they have the power to offer solace and reassurance.
Do you remember that old saying, sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can't hurt me?
Well, we know that's patently untrue, that words can absolutely hurt.
(09:35):
In turn, words can comfort and reassure.
So when we think of our loved ones who are grieving, know that you can reach
them with words, and sometimes it takes time for words to get through.
When we comfort someone in grief, choosing the right words can make all the difference.
It's essential to be authentic and genuine in our expressions of sympathy.
(09:58):
Avoiding cliches or empty platitudes is crucial.
Instead, opt for heartfelt sentiments that genuinely reflect your empathy and understanding.
You may have lost someone before, but no one can understand another person's
exact story or grief journey.
Don't approach them as if you know or have the right path forward.
(10:21):
Joining them on their grief path and comforting them where they are is more
important than telling them where you went.
If you don't know what to say, simply acknowledging the pain and loss they experienced
can provide comfort in and of itself.
Simple phrases like, I am here for you, or I often say myself,
(10:43):
I don't know what to say, but I am so sorry.
That can just convey a sense of simple support without trying to minimize their
feelings or making it about you.
Sometimes just offering a listening ear can speak volumes more than any words could.
Be comfortable with how they express their grief, and at times I find that just
(11:03):
sitting with someone who is able to sit with me without any expectations is
more important than anything they could have said or done in the moment.
Remember that there is no perfect thing that will magically erase their pain.
However, showing up consistently and being present during their grieving process
(11:23):
speaks louder than any well-crafted sentence could.
Your presence alone can be a source of solace and strength during such difficult times.
If you do offer to help, think through how to make it as low an effort as possible
for the person grieving.
They are in survival mode. Don't expect them to help coordinate or solve logistics.
(11:46):
Ask them if they would be okay with you making some decisions and handling a
situation, and do it if they would allow it.
If you are grieving, do not feel like you have to host or otherwise entertain others.
You are on your journey towards living onwards, moving forward, not on.
I did do an episode, by the way, on moving forward and not on.
(12:07):
I would suggest you listen to it if you're interested.
When someone expresses their will to help you, help them understand how they can help.
I had several times someone would call or leave a voicemail asking for a call
back, and I knew I needed help managing a call or was talking to very few.
I then texted them and communicated precisely that I heard their message or
(12:31):
saw their call, but just wasn't up to talking on the phone.
The people who genuinely want to help comfort you will understand that it's
how they comfort you is the way that you want to be comforted and they will adapt accordingly.
There's a saying that says, never let a soul who hasn't walked in your shoes
(12:53):
tell you how to tie your laces.
I like that one. When you are grieving, be firm in telling others what you need,
how you need it, and when you need it.
True friends and good family will adapt and understand, finding a way to connect
with you where you are versus where they think you are.
Let's talk about what to avoid saying. This can can be a hard one.
(13:17):
As someone grieving, I'd heard some very dumb things said to me.
As someone giving comfort, I've probably said dumb things too.
I said earlier, I hope I've gotten better at that, but I promise I've stuck my foot in my mouth.
Humans seem to need to fill silence. I'm guilty of that myself.
And we don't necessarily think before we speak or think about how our words will be taken.
(13:41):
When offering condolences to someone who is grieving, it's essential to choose our words carefully.
While we may have the best intentions, some phrases can unintentionally cause more pain than comfort.
I have a simple rubric for you that I saw online.
Before you speak, think. T stands for, is it true? H stands for, is it helpful?
(14:05):
I stands for, is it inspiring? N stands for is it necessary?
K stands for is it kind? Of course, that isn't directly applicable to grief
because grief tends to run all over logic and process.
It might help you filter your words in almost any situation.
(14:25):
For those of us who are Christians, Philippians 4.8 guides us to focus only
on saying and doing what is true, honorable, right, pure, lovely, and admirable.
Between the two, I hope that you know that the point is to really think through
what you say and whether it's the right thing to say.
If you have any doubts, just don't say anything at all. Seems simple, right?
(14:48):
Avoid cliches like, everything happens for a reason, or he's in a better place now.
Others to avoid are, at least he did not suffer. Aren't you glad he or she does
not have to suffer through chemo, surgeries, treatments, whatever?
Or, oh, she is finally at peace? Oh, I heard another one. What did he get when his mom died?
(15:10):
I might want to get it back when he's gone. Talk about insensitive.
These statements might come from a good place or just come from you're not knowing
what to say, but they can feel really dismissive of the person's grief.
Never say to a grieving person, you are so strong, or you're doing all the right
things to someone grieving.
(15:30):
They are surviving and not thriving often. They do not need your platitudes
about how they are doing because they know exactly how they are doing, and you do not.
The loved one who is mourning loss of someone would do it all over again,
would want their loved one with them, and doesn't want to hear that somehow they're better for it.
(15:51):
Try not to compare your loss to others as well.
Each individual's experience of grief is unique and shouldn't be minimized by
saying things like, I know how you feel, or it could be worse.
This is particularly bad when someone compares their divorce to the death of
the spouse or the loss of a pet to the loss of a loved one.
(16:14):
You do not understand the level of grief if you do that and you're inserting
yourself into their grief by making comments like that.
Comfort the other person in their loss, not compare yours to theirs.
I find it difficult when people say that they understand because they lost their mom and dad.
My husband was my constant ever-present partner in life. I lost that.
(16:38):
In turn, if you are grieving the loss of your parent, I will pretend to understand
your grief totally, as both of my parents are alive.
Instead, what I can do to support you and you to me is I can hear you in your
grief and come alongside you to the best of my abilities.
I also would avoid offering unsolicited advice, such as telling them how to
(17:01):
grieve or what they need to do to move on.
Everyone processes loss differently, and imposing your thoughts on them is usually not helpful.
Instead of trying to find silver linings or reasons for their loss or explaining
the whys of life, focus on simply being there for them with empathy and support.
Sometimes just listening without needing to fill the silence with words can speak volumes.
(17:26):
Sometimes there's no answer for the why questions or answers at all.
Don't try to answer the unanswerable.
When offering words of comfort to someone grieving, it's essential to be genuine and and heartfelt.
Simple phrases like, I'm here for you, you're in my thoughts,
can go a long way in providing solace.
(17:47):
Expressing empathy with statements such as, I can't imagine what you're going
through, but I am here to listen, shows understanding.
Here are a few more examples of comforting and meaningful words to use.
I wish I had the right words to say, but I don't. Or, I am here to support you regardless.
Sharing memories of a loved one who passed can also bring comfort and warmth.
(18:11):
Saying things like, I will always remember, or she was such a kind soul just
like you, helps keep their memory alive.
It helps those grieving to know that their loved one will not be forgotten,
that the memory of them is still present in others who knew them.
Acknowledge the The pain by saying, it's okay not to be okay right now,
(18:34):
also validates their emotions.
Reassuring them that it's all right to grieve in their own time and way is essential.
Phrases like, take all the time you need, or there is no right or wrong way
to feel, or you're doing the best that you can in an awful situation.
Offer support without pressure. Offering practical help with statements like,
(18:57):
let me know if there's anything I can do for you, for example,
I'll make you dinner or what can I make you dinner,
shows kindness and love during difficult times.
It is tough for someone grieving when they see others go silent when they mention
their loved ones' names or memories of them.
Think about that. When the person was alive, you would have been comfortable
(19:19):
talking about that person, right? Why are you hesitating when they're gone?
If the person grieving wants to talk about them, put yourself in their shoes
and talk Talk about their loved one like you always did.
I know for me, I want to talk about Carlos and share memories,
but sometimes it's awkward because when I do, people just don't know what to
say or how to act. That's hard.
(19:41):
I feel in those moments like I can't share, which is all I want to do because
I no longer have him here to share my thoughts and memories with him.
When someone is grieving, words may not always be enough to convey comfort and support.
This is where showing empathy through actions can truly make a difference.
Simple gestures like offering a hug, preparing a meal, or running errands for
(20:06):
them can speak volumes without even saying a word.
Taking the time to listen attentively and allowing them to express their feelings
can show your genuine care about their well-being.
Offering practical help, such as assisting with funeral arrangements,
child care arrangements, or other arrangements, can ease their burden during their grief.
(20:28):
Sometimes just being with them without any expectations can go a long way.
It is important to have space for myself in my grief, but also friendship or
companionship when the silence is too loud.
I will do a future on the episode of silence being too loud or silence being
(20:48):
so loud, as that is particularly hard for those of us grieving.
Additionally, sending thoughtful cards or flowers can serve as tangible reminders
of your love and support.
Small acts of kindness, like checking in regularly or simply being present when
needed, can go a long way in showing that you are here for them unconditionally.
(21:11):
You should also pay close attention to your habits and how you've interacted
with the person grieving before their loss.
Treat those grieving like you always have. They need you and the relationship
you had before, not pity or to be treated differently or like a child.
If you did lunch, dinner, coffee,
or events together, don't stop inviting even if they've said no once.
(21:36):
They need to get out of the house, and at some point, I promise you, they will say yes.
Your consistent connection, even when they are struggling, will help them as
they try living onwards.
Don't give up, please. I have several friends who make a point to invite me
here or there, even if I say no most of the time.
They have empathy and compassion, so they continue to invite me and reach out.
(21:59):
When we do connect, it is very special to me and exactly what I needed.
Don't give up. The person you cared
about and care about is still in there somewhere despite their grief.
Sometimes you have to reach them where they are, and they'll reach back when they can.
Demonstrating empathy through actions only validates their emotions.
(22:22):
It also strengthens the bond of understanding and compassion between you and
those that are grieving.
When a loved one is navigating the turbulent waters of grief,
your support can be a beacon of light in their darkest moments.
Simply being there to listen without judgment or offering a shoulder to lean
on can make all the difference in the world.
(22:42):
Never judge a person who is grieving by what they say, by the way,
especially if they are deep in shock and grieving.
You may not truly understand the meaning of their words or why they said what they did at that moment.
Sometimes, words may fail to convey the depth of emotions experienced during times of loss.
In such moments, actions speak louder than words.
(23:05):
I remember that I got some flowers out of the blue a week or two after Carlos
died, and that meant the entire world to me. I loved those flowers.
I think I would just say don't overthink your guest's support.
Just do something and continue to do something. Your Your friend or loved one
who is grieving isn't on a timeline, and their journey isn't short,
(23:26):
so don't make your support short or only immediately after their loss.
They need you long into their future, especially while they focus living onwards.
Grief is a deeply individual journey with no set timeline or roadmap.
It's essential to respect each person's unique process and pace as they navigate
(23:46):
through these emotions.
Your consistent presence and
understanding can provide solace and comfort when all words fall short.
Small gestures of kindness and compassion can have a profound impact on someone
who is grieving, whether it's checking in regularly, sharing fond memories of
their loved one, or simply sitting in silence together over a cup of coffee.
(24:10):
Remember that supporting someone through their grief journey isn't about having
all the correct answers. it's entirely about showing up consistency and consistently
with love, empathy, and understanding.
I, for one, enjoy a nice dinner with family and friends where I am treated as
me, not a grieving widow.
(24:30):
Other times, I want to share about Carlos and hear about him for others.
And sometimes I want to be just me.
It changes. It's not consistent. So for someone comforting someone who is grieving,
Be sensitive to the needs of the person grieving, wherever you can spot it and wherever possible.
Guess what? You're not going to always get it right, and that's okay as long
(24:54):
as you are authentically you.
Offering and comforting and supporting through the right words and actions is
crucial in times of grief.
Understanding the grieving process and being empathetic towards those who are
mourning can make a significant difference in their healing journey.
I would just recommend that you choose your words carefully.
(25:15):
Avoid common phrases that may unintentionally cause more pain.
If you accidentally say something that's just dumb, that's okay,
but tell the person that you know was insensitive or dumb.
Authenticity, right? Instead, opt for heartfelt and meaningful expressions that
convey your love, your kindness, and your understanding.
(25:37):
Remember to be patient with those who are grieving, as everyone processes is lost differently.
Your presence and willingness to listen can provide immeasurable comfort.
By offering genuine empathy and unwavering support, you can help ease the burden
of grief for those who need it most.
I know that in my loss, I found out fast who is authentically empathetic or
(26:02):
just offering platitudes because they felt like they had to do or say something.
If you can't be authentic or do something to make yourself feel better or make
it about yourself, just don't do it at all.
The people grieving need to know who they can count on and know that they are not alone.
If you are inauthentic, you can only worsen their feelings of isolation or make
(26:24):
them feel different than they were before.
I know for myself, I hope to be a source of solace and strength for everyone dealing with grief.
I hope you will be able to do the same for others.
Let's continue to uplift each other with compassion, love, and understanding
as we walk alongside our loved ones on their grief journey.
(26:45):
Together, we can make a difference by comforting hearts in times of sorrow.
I often am in a store out somewhere and wonder if people have any idea what
I'm going through or have dealt with in my life.
I also think to myself that, geez, they are blessed not to know what I've gone
through or the depths of my grief.
Today, you could be standing next to someone who is trying their best not to fall apart.
(27:09):
Whatever you do today, please do it with kindness in your heart.
As we reach the end of this episode, remember to share this podcast with a friend
and drop a comment on the episode page on livingonwards.com.
If you join us for $5 a month as a community member on Patreon,
you will have access to our live chat community there, and I'd be glad to talk to you anytime there.
(27:32):
The links to support the show on BuyMeACoffee or Patreon can be found at the
bottom of the LivingOnWords.com website.
Just know that in times of grief, the right words can offer solace and support
to those who are hurting.
Understanding the grieving process and the importance of offering comfort is
crucial in providing meaningful assistance to loved ones navigating through their loss.
(27:55):
Choosing words that convey empathy, love, and kindness can significantly change
how we comfort those in mourning.
It is essential to be mindful of common phrases that may unintentionally cause more pain than relief.
By showing empathy through words and actions, we can truly support our loved
ones as they journey through their grief.
(28:17):
Offer a listening ear, a helping hand, or be present. We'll speak volumes when
someone is struggling with loss.
Let us remember that while no words can ease or fully erase the pain of grief,
genuine expressions of care and understanding can bring light in very dark moments.
Let's make sure we continue to extend compassion and support around us.
(28:41):
As they navigate their unique passive healing after their loss.
Lastly, let me say something to those of you who are grieving.
Remember that the things that have hurt you, broken your heart,
and made you cry with pain, grief, and even rage are the very same things that
have made you more human,
have made you more compassionate, and made you more able to help lift others
(29:04):
into the light of unconditional love.
That's the one thing we all desperately need and the most significant life-changing
gift we can offer others.
That said, I know grief is like living two lives.
One is where you pretend that everything is okay, and the other is where your
heart silently screams in pain.
I know. I see you. Be kind to yourself, my friend.
(29:28):
Until next time, I am Sarah, and I am authentically grieving.
Hello once again, and welcome to the Living Onwards podcast.
I am your host, Sarah, and I am authentically grieving.
Today we'll talk about how to comfort each other in our grief and help others with their grief.
I will tell you, I have always struggled with what to say to someone who is
grieving, but I think I got better at it over the years.
(00:22):
Perhaps that's maturity, perhaps that's experience, or maybe I just learned
to stop talking when I didn't have anything to say.
Sometimes it is better to say less versus more and to do something versus just offer to help.
Now that I am actively grieving the loss of my husband, I find that many don't
know what to say to me or do for me.
(00:44):
Or worse, they say something stupid that is more hurtful than helpful.
Grateful whether you are grieving and want to hear
about how to handle the words or offers of help that
you've received or you want to help someone who is
grieving this is the podcast for you so grab your coffee grab your caffeine
loaded tea whatever and chill out with me let's talk about this one let's level
(01:10):
set here with a seemingly common sense assumption which is that no one is immune
to the profound impacts of grief.
It is a universal human experience that touches us all at some point in our lives.
In times of sorrow, finding the right words to comfort those who are grieving
can make a world of difference.
(01:30):
Even when someone seems to be okay or strong or is handling their grief outwardly,
we can still find ways to comfort them even when they act like they don't need your comfort.
Let's explore the power of offering support, kindness, and understanding through
heartfelt expressions during moments of loss and sadness.
(01:50):
Let's delve into how choosing the right words and actions can surely make a
difference in comforting hearts in grief.
If you are grieving yourself, let's dig into how you can receive comfort from others.
No matter where you are now, whether you're grieving or comforting those who
are grieving, the goal is to help each other in living onwards.
(02:12):
One thing we need to be aware of when comforting one another is that grief is
a complex and deeply personal journey that manifests differently for everyone.
It's not a linear process. There is no scientific formula with defined stages
or cycles, but rather it's a roller coaster of emotions from denial and anger
(02:33):
to bargaining, depression, and eventual acceptance.
If you haven't heard my episode about the five stages of denial and grief,
I'd suggest listening to it.
Each person navigates grief in their own way, influenced by their relationships,
beliefs, and experiences.
The grieving process can be unpredictable and overwhelming at times.
(02:54):
One day may feel manageable, while the next could bring intense waves of sadness or numbness.
It's essential to allow someone the time and space needed to mourn without judgment or pressure.
Often as individuals move through grief, they may experience various physical,
emotional, or physiological symptoms.
(03:17):
These often change day to day as well. So even if someone feels fine or looks
okay in a moment in time, that changes quickly.
Never assume that because you saw them and they were doing great in a moment,
they're doing great now.
Often grief changes quickly, and these changes can include fatigue,
anxiety, feeling guilty, sadness.
(03:38):
Aloneness, hopelessness, and confusion about what the future holds.
Grief is dynamic and not scripted or linear.
If you are grieving, you know that how others see you heavily depends on how
you are doing in the moment they see you.
For those comforting others in grief, know that while the griever is living
onwards, they are often just living or surviving moment to moment.
(04:01):
So in order to know how to support them, we all need to agree there is no simple
fix, no one thing you can do, and no magic wand you'll find to help support them in their grief.
What you can do is equip yourself with an understanding of how you can offer
comfort and support so that you can find that best fit for the moment your loved ones are in grief.
(04:23):
Does that make sense? If you think of grief as a journey that is complex and
unique, you'll know that the
ways in which you come alongside to help will need to be unique as well.
The ways in which you offer comfort and support don't need to be complex.
Sometimes simple is best. And as I said at the beginning, sometimes saying nothing
but doing anything has far more value than just saying something to say something.
(04:48):
Offering comfort and support in crucial times of grief is crucial.
It provides a glimmer of light in the darkness that envelops someone who is
mourning the loss of a loved one.
For those grieving, it is easy
to feel alone or misunderstood as the world moves on despite their loss.
Your stepping in to offer comfort and support in your unique way helps those
(05:11):
grieving to know they are seen, their hurt is known, and that someone is there for them.
Sometimes it is a big help to simply make it clear in words and that actions
that you are aware, that you are caring, that you are ready to help,
and that you don't pretend to understand, but are willing to learn what they
need in order to focus on living onwards.
(05:32):
If you are grieving, look for those friends and family who have shared that
with you, even if they did it imperfectly.
People want to help. They often just don't know how to say it or show it.
The goal here is to communicate your heart, and that you want to comfort and support.
And for those grieving, to know who in their circle is offering that to them.
(05:54):
Simply being there for someone can make a world of difference.
Your presence, whether physical or virtual, shows that you care and are willing
to provide a shoulder to lean on.
Sometimes it's not about finding the perfect words, but also showing empathy,
authenticity, and understanding.
We often hesitate to intrude on someone grieving, and when we are grieving,
(06:17):
we don't want to burden others with our grief. But guess what?
People want to help, and you are not a burden if you are grieving.
And for those comforting others, think of how to comfort them in the least intrusive way.
Do not insert yourself into the situation, but be there for the person in the
situation and grieving.
(06:38):
How do you do that, you ask? Well, let's talk about exactly that.
Try this. Listen attentively without judgment and allow those who you are comforting
to express their emotions freely.
It really creates a safe space for them to share their thoughts and feelings
without fear of criticism or dismissal.
Your willingness to listen speaks
(07:00):
volumes and it talks and shows your your compassion, and support of them.
Remember, your role here is not to solve or fix their grief.
You are just not capable of that,
but you are capable of listening and supporting them in their journey.
If you are grieving, please don't expect others to fix their grief or solve
(07:21):
issues for you, but rather share with them your grief and challenges and make
specific asks if you have them.
Another idea is to make small gestures like sending a heartfelt card,
preparing a meal, or offering assistance with daily tasks.
This can convey your genuine desire to help ease their burden during difficult times.
(07:44):
If the person has kids, offer to pick them up from school or take them to activities.
Acts of kindness go well beyond words and demonstrate your love and concern in real ways.
This gives you an opportunity to help in natural ways while also giving the
person grieving the time with themselves or to do something for themselves.
(08:05):
If you are the one grieving, please say yes to these offers of help,
even if it seems like you're burdening the person.
Give others the opportunity to help you and know that you are comforting them
as well as they are comforting you. They want to help.
Generally, remember that offering comfort and support isn't just about saying the right things.
(08:27):
It's about genuinely caring for someone who's hurting.
By extending kindness and understanding, you can help lighten their load as
they navigate through the roller coaster of emotions that come with grief.
If they say no or don't answer, please don't take it personally. Try again.
Remember what I said earlier. Grief is complex and not a moment in time.
(08:50):
The next time you offer a reach out may be different than other times you reached out.
It's not personal to you if the person grieving doesn't say yes or respond to you often.
They are in their own world, just trying to focus on living onwards.
And next time, they may be in a better space and able to accept your offer of help or comfort.
(09:11):
Don't give up. Please don't give up on comforting someone grieving.
And if you're grieving, accept it whenever you're ready and whenever you can.
I know that words seem inadequate, but they have the power to offer solace and reassurance.
Do you remember that old saying, sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can't hurt me?
Well, we know that's patently untrue, that words can absolutely hurt.
(09:35):
In turn, words can comfort and reassure.
So when we think of our loved ones who are grieving, know that you can reach
them with words, and sometimes it takes time for words to get through.
When we comfort someone in grief, choosing the right words can make all the difference.
It's essential to be authentic and genuine in our expressions of sympathy.
(09:58):
Avoiding cliches or empty platitudes is crucial.
Instead, opt for heartfelt sentiments that genuinely reflect your empathy and understanding.
You may have lost someone before, but no one can understand another person's
exact story or grief journey.
Don't approach them as if you know or have the right path forward.
(10:21):
Joining them on their grief path and comforting them where they are is more
important than telling them where you went.
If you don't know what to say, simply acknowledging the pain and loss they experienced
can provide comfort in and of itself.
Simple phrases like, I am here for you, or I often say myself,
(10:43):
I don't know what to say, but I am so sorry.
That can just convey a sense of simple support without trying to minimize their
feelings or making it about you.
Sometimes just offering a listening ear can speak volumes more than any words could.
Be comfortable with how they express their grief, and at times I find that just
(11:03):
sitting with someone who is able to sit with me without any expectations is
more important than anything they could have said or done in the moment.
Remember that there is no perfect thing that will magically erase their pain.
However, showing up consistently and being present during their grieving process
(11:23):
speaks louder than any well-crafted sentence could.
Your presence alone can be a source of solace and strength during such difficult times.
If you do offer to help, think through how to make it as low an effort as possible
for the person grieving.
They are in survival mode. Don't expect them to help coordinate or solve logistics.
(11:46):
Ask them if they would be okay with you making some decisions and handling a
situation, and do it if they would allow it.
If you are grieving, do not feel like you have to host or otherwise entertain others.
You are on your journey towards living onwards, moving forward, not on.
I did do an episode, by the way, on moving forward and not on.
(12:07):
I would suggest you listen to it if you're interested.
When someone expresses their will to help you, help them understand how they can help.
I had several times someone would call or leave a voicemail asking for a call
back, and I knew I needed help managing a call or was talking to very few.
I then texted them and communicated precisely that I heard their message or
(12:31):
saw their call, but just wasn't up to talking on the phone.
The people who genuinely want to help comfort you will understand that it's
how they comfort you is the way that you want to be comforted and they will adapt accordingly.
There's a saying that says, never let a soul who hasn't walked in your shoes
(12:53):
tell you how to tie your laces.
I like that one. When you are grieving, be firm in telling others what you need,
how you need it, and when you need it.
True friends and good family will adapt and understand, finding a way to connect
with you where you are versus where they think you are.
Let's talk about what to avoid saying. This can can be a hard one.
(13:17):
As someone grieving, I'd heard some very dumb things said to me.
As someone giving comfort, I've probably said dumb things too.
I said earlier, I hope I've gotten better at that, but I promise I've stuck my foot in my mouth.
Humans seem to need to fill silence. I'm guilty of that myself.
And we don't necessarily think before we speak or think about how our words will be taken.
(13:41):
When offering condolences to someone who is grieving, it's essential to choose our words carefully.
While we may have the best intentions, some phrases can unintentionally cause more pain than comfort.
I have a simple rubric for you that I saw online.
Before you speak, think. T stands for, is it true? H stands for, is it helpful?
(14:05):
I stands for, is it inspiring? N stands for is it necessary?
K stands for is it kind? Of course, that isn't directly applicable to grief
because grief tends to run all over logic and process.
It might help you filter your words in almost any situation.
(14:25):
For those of us who are Christians, Philippians 4.8 guides us to focus only
on saying and doing what is true, honorable, right, pure, lovely, and admirable.
Between the two, I hope that you know that the point is to really think through
what you say and whether it's the right thing to say.
If you have any doubts, just don't say anything at all. Seems simple, right?
(14:48):
Avoid cliches like, everything happens for a reason, or he's in a better place now.
Others to avoid are, at least he did not suffer. Aren't you glad he or she does
not have to suffer through chemo, surgeries, treatments, whatever?
Or, oh, she is finally at peace? Oh, I heard another one. What did he get when his mom died?
(15:10):
I might want to get it back when he's gone. Talk about insensitive.
These statements might come from a good place or just come from you're not knowing
what to say, but they can feel really dismissive of the person's grief.
Never say to a grieving person, you are so strong, or you're doing all the right
things to someone grieving.
(15:30):
They are surviving and not thriving often. They do not need your platitudes
about how they are doing because they know exactly how they are doing, and you do not.
The loved one who is mourning loss of someone would do it all over again,
would want their loved one with them, and doesn't want to hear that somehow they're better for it.
(15:51):
Try not to compare your loss to others as well.
Each individual's experience of grief is unique and shouldn't be minimized by
saying things like, I know how you feel, or it could be worse.
This is particularly bad when someone compares their divorce to the death of
the spouse or the loss of a pet to the loss of a loved one.
(16:14):
You do not understand the level of grief if you do that and you're inserting
yourself into their grief by making comments like that.
Comfort the other person in their loss, not compare yours to theirs.
I find it difficult when people say that they understand because they lost their mom and dad.
My husband was my constant ever-present partner in life. I lost that.
(16:38):
In turn, if you are grieving the loss of your parent, I will pretend to understand
your grief totally, as both of my parents are alive.
Instead, what I can do to support you and you to me is I can hear you in your
grief and come alongside you to the best of my abilities.
I also would avoid offering unsolicited advice, such as telling them how to
(17:01):
grieve or what they need to do to move on.
Everyone processes loss differently, and imposing your thoughts on them is usually not helpful.
Instead of trying to find silver linings or reasons for their loss or explaining
the whys of life, focus on simply being there for them with empathy and support.
Sometimes just listening without needing to fill the silence with words can speak volumes.
(17:26):
Sometimes there's no answer for the why questions or answers at all.
Don't try to answer the unanswerable.
When offering words of comfort to someone grieving, it's essential to be genuine and and heartfelt.
Simple phrases like, I'm here for you, you're in my thoughts,
can go a long way in providing solace.
(17:47):
Expressing empathy with statements such as, I can't imagine what you're going
through, but I am here to listen, shows understanding.
Here are a few more examples of comforting and meaningful words to use.
I wish I had the right words to say, but I don't. Or, I am here to support you regardless.
Sharing memories of a loved one who passed can also bring comfort and warmth.
(18:11):
Saying things like, I will always remember, or she was such a kind soul just
like you, helps keep their memory alive.
It helps those grieving to know that their loved one will not be forgotten,
that the memory of them is still present in others who knew them.
Acknowledge the The pain by saying, it's okay not to be okay right now,
(18:34):
also validates their emotions.
Reassuring them that it's all right to grieve in their own time and way is essential.
Phrases like, take all the time you need, or there is no right or wrong way
to feel, or you're doing the best that you can in an awful situation.
Offer support without pressure. Offering practical help with statements like,
(18:57):
let me know if there's anything I can do for you, for example,
I'll make you dinner or what can I make you dinner,
shows kindness and love during difficult times.
It is tough for someone grieving when they see others go silent when they mention
their loved ones' names or memories of them.
Think about that. When the person was alive, you would have been comfortable
(19:19):
talking about that person, right? Why are you hesitating when they're gone?
If the person grieving wants to talk about them, put yourself in their shoes
and talk Talk about their loved one like you always did.
I know for me, I want to talk about Carlos and share memories,
but sometimes it's awkward because when I do, people just don't know what to
say or how to act. That's hard.
(19:41):
I feel in those moments like I can't share, which is all I want to do because
I no longer have him here to share my thoughts and memories with him.
When someone is grieving, words may not always be enough to convey comfort and support.
This is where showing empathy through actions can truly make a difference.
Simple gestures like offering a hug, preparing a meal, or running errands for
(20:06):
them can speak volumes without even saying a word.
Taking the time to listen attentively and allowing them to express their feelings
can show your genuine care about their well-being.
Offering practical help, such as assisting with funeral arrangements,
child care arrangements, or other arrangements, can ease their burden during their grief.
(20:28):
Sometimes just being with them without any expectations can go a long way.
It is important to have space for myself in my grief, but also friendship or
companionship when the silence is too loud.
I will do a future on the episode of silence being too loud or silence being
(20:48):
so loud, as that is particularly hard for those of us grieving.
Additionally, sending thoughtful cards or flowers can serve as tangible reminders
of your love and support.
Small acts of kindness, like checking in regularly or simply being present when
needed, can go a long way in showing that you are here for them unconditionally.
(21:11):
You should also pay close attention to your habits and how you've interacted
with the person grieving before their loss.
Treat those grieving like you always have. They need you and the relationship
you had before, not pity or to be treated differently or like a child.
If you did lunch, dinner, coffee,
or events together, don't stop inviting even if they've said no once.
(21:36):
They need to get out of the house, and at some point, I promise you, they will say yes.
Your consistent connection, even when they are struggling, will help them as
they try living onwards.
Don't give up, please. I have several friends who make a point to invite me
here or there, even if I say no most of the time.
They have empathy and compassion, so they continue to invite me and reach out.
(21:59):
When we do connect, it is very special to me and exactly what I needed.
Don't give up. The person you cared
about and care about is still in there somewhere despite their grief.
Sometimes you have to reach them where they are, and they'll reach back when they can.
Demonstrating empathy through actions only validates their emotions.
(22:22):
It also strengthens the bond of understanding and compassion between you and
those that are grieving.
When a loved one is navigating the turbulent waters of grief,
your support can be a beacon of light in their darkest moments.
Simply being there to listen without judgment or offering a shoulder to lean
on can make all the difference in the world.
(22:42):
Never judge a person who is grieving by what they say, by the way,
especially if they are deep in shock and grieving.
You may not truly understand the meaning of their words or why they said what they did at that moment.
Sometimes, words may fail to convey the depth of emotions experienced during times of loss.
In such moments, actions speak louder than words.
(23:05):
I remember that I got some flowers out of the blue a week or two after Carlos
died, and that meant the entire world to me. I loved those flowers.
I think I would just say don't overthink your guest's support.
Just do something and continue to do something. Your Your friend or loved one
who is grieving isn't on a timeline, and their journey isn't short,
(23:26):
so don't make your support short or only immediately after their loss.
They need you long into their future, especially while they focus living onwards.
Grief is a deeply individual journey with no set timeline or roadmap.
It's essential to respect each person's unique process and pace as they navigate
(23:46):
through these emotions.
Your consistent presence and
understanding can provide solace and comfort when all words fall short.
Small gestures of kindness and compassion can have a profound impact on someone
who is grieving, whether it's checking in regularly, sharing fond memories of
their loved one, or simply sitting in silence together over a cup of coffee.
(24:10):
Remember that supporting someone through their grief journey isn't about having
all the correct answers. it's entirely about showing up consistency and consistently
with love, empathy, and understanding.
I, for one, enjoy a nice dinner with family and friends where I am treated as
me, not a grieving widow.
(24:30):
Other times, I want to share about Carlos and hear about him for others.
And sometimes I want to be just me.
It changes. It's not consistent. So for someone comforting someone who is grieving,
Be sensitive to the needs of the person grieving, wherever you can spot it and wherever possible.
Guess what? You're not going to always get it right, and that's okay as long
(24:54):
as you are authentically you.
Offering and comforting and supporting through the right words and actions is
crucial in times of grief.
Understanding the grieving process and being empathetic towards those who are
mourning can make a significant difference in their healing journey.
I would just recommend that you choose your words carefully.
(25:15):
Avoid common phrases that may unintentionally cause more pain.
If you accidentally say something that's just dumb, that's okay,
but tell the person that you know was insensitive or dumb.
Authenticity, right? Instead, opt for heartfelt and meaningful expressions that
convey your love, your kindness, and your understanding.
(25:37):
Remember to be patient with those who are grieving, as everyone processes is lost differently.
Your presence and willingness to listen can provide immeasurable comfort.
By offering genuine empathy and unwavering support, you can help ease the burden
of grief for those who need it most.
I know that in my loss, I found out fast who is authentically empathetic or
(26:02):
just offering platitudes because they felt like they had to do or say something.
If you can't be authentic or do something to make yourself feel better or make
it about yourself, just don't do it at all.
The people grieving need to know who they can count on and know that they are not alone.
If you are inauthentic, you can only worsen their feelings of isolation or make
(26:24):
them feel different than they were before.
I know for myself, I hope to be a source of solace and strength for everyone dealing with grief.
I hope you will be able to do the same for others.
Let's continue to uplift each other with compassion, love, and understanding
as we walk alongside our loved ones on their grief journey.
(26:45):
Together, we can make a difference by comforting hearts in times of sorrow.
I often am in a store out somewhere and wonder if people have any idea what
I'm going through or have dealt with in my life.
I also think to myself that, geez, they are blessed not to know what I've gone
through or the depths of my grief.
Today, you could be standing next to someone who is trying their best not to fall apart.
(27:09):
Whatever you do today, please do it with kindness in your heart.
As we reach the end of this episode, remember to share this podcast with a friend
and drop a comment on the episode page on livingonwards.com.
If you join us for $5 a month as a community member on Patreon,
you will have access to our live chat community there, and I'd be glad to talk to you anytime there.
(27:32):
The links to support the show on BuyMeACoffee or Patreon can be found at the
bottom of the LivingOnWords.com website.
Just know that in times of grief, the right words can offer solace and support
to those who are hurting.
Understanding the grieving process and the importance of offering comfort is
crucial in providing meaningful assistance to loved ones navigating through their loss.
(27:55):
Choosing words that convey empathy, love, and kindness can significantly change
how we comfort those in mourning.
It is essential to be mindful of common phrases that may unintentionally cause more pain than relief.
By showing empathy through words and actions, we can truly support our loved
ones as they journey through their grief.
(28:17):
Offer a listening ear, a helping hand, or be present. We'll speak volumes when
someone is struggling with loss.
Let us remember that while no words can ease or fully erase the pain of grief,
genuine expressions of care and understanding can bring light in very dark moments.
Let's make sure we continue to extend compassion and support around us.
(28:41):
As they navigate their unique passive healing after their loss.
Lastly, let me say something to those of you who are grieving.
Remember that the things that have hurt you, broken your heart,
and made you cry with pain, grief, and even rage are the very same things that
have made you more human,
have made you more compassionate, and made you more able to help lift others
(29:04):
into the light of unconditional love.
That's the one thing we all desperately need and the most significant life-changing
gift we can offer others.
That said, I know grief is like living two lives.
One is where you pretend that everything is okay, and the other is where your
heart silently screams in pain.
I know. I see you. Be kind to yourself, my friend.
(29:28):
Until next time, I am Sarah, and I am authentically grieving.
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