March 28, 2024 • 25 mins
Embark on a journey of intense feelings and self-discovery in this fourth episode of Loser Talk with Lar, titled "Anxious Lar". This riveting installment delves into the unspoken reality of living with anxiety disorders. Join Larry as he navigates from mental unrest to a place of enlightening self-awareness.
Begin with the triumphant recounting of Larry's successful "Loser Talk" series and its global reception. However, the tone quickly shifts to the more profound, spotlighting the gritty reality of anxiety disorders. Larry shares personal anecdotes and medical statistics, providing listeners with a candid take on this pervasive mental health issue.
This episode is more than an acknowledgement of anxiety disorders. It emphasizes management rather than avoidance. Larry shares his own coping strategies, inviting listeners to learn from his experiences. Brace yourself and step into Larry's thought-provoking world of Anxiety Unmasked.
Explore the riveting life story of a man transitioning from a naive farm boy to a troubled adult grappling with health issues, family drama, and personal insecurities. Witness Larry's transformation as he faces physical ailments, disregards, and self-hatred, eventually rising from the ashes to find self-love and balance.
Having overcome HIV, weight issues, and unrelenting anxiety, Larry identifies his saving graces in the forms of music, coaching, and connection with others. The episode culminates with the reinforcement of the need to care for oneself and maintain a healthy balance in life.
Follow Larry on his compelling journey of introspection and self-discovery now! Don't forget to follow us on social media for exclusive content and engaging interactions. Always remember, we are stronger than our struggles.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Music.
(01:04):
Yes, I hear that funk of the Larry's Losers Orchestra.
They have just been blowing it up. I'm telling you, they are blowing up the charts.
They're blowing up the airwaves, all the things that they can blow up,
which I've warned them about.
(01:25):
I've been trying to keep them out of jail.
I've been trying to keep them out of jail.
But they just make beautiful music, don't they? Give them some applause.
It's a full-time job keeping them out of jail. But aren't you glad I do?
Because listening to Larry's Losers Orchestra, doesn't it just make you want
(01:48):
to get down with the get down?
Not sure what that means, but it sounds fun. And it also makes my hip hurt just thinking about it.
So anywho, welcome to the fourth episode of Loser Talk with Lair,
losing a lot more than just weight.
This podcast has been so well and so widely received, I'm just blown away with the responses.
(02:15):
Listen to this. We have regular listeners in Germany, Austria,
France, the UK, and Canada that I want to welcome, and I also want to send a
special welcome to a new listener from India.
Of course, I love all of my American
(02:36):
family. I truly didn't know what to expect when I set out to do this.
It has been a beautifully overwhelming experience.
I came across a crossroads in my life recently, you know, as we all often do in our lives.
Mine was and is, trust me, a ball of stress.
(02:58):
This season of life that I'm in, that I'm working through, but I just thought,
why not do a podcast? Yes.
Yes, go ahead. You're just so stressed.
Throw something else in there. Go for it. Had no idea what I was getting into or what would happen,
but I knew that there would be some sort of creative way for me to escape all
(03:22):
the madness I was in, right?
In fact, as you will often hear me talk about, the universe was right.
I was being pushed in this direction, and I'm finally starting to not be so
stubborn to open my ears,
to shut my mouth, and to listen to life and let it guide me on its path that
(03:48):
I need to stop fighting because there is where all the angst and madness and
stress and sickness and anxiety is created.
That is exactly what I'm talking about today, anxiety.
But wow, I got ahead of myself. You're asking, Larry, how do I find you?
(04:13):
I can hear you. And here's my answer.
Larry's Losers 22 on Instagram, the evolution of Larry on Facebook.
There you can ask to join our private, exclusive Larry's Losers VIP group on
Facebook, where we have fun, new ways to connect with our loser family and myself.
(04:36):
Don't forget to like, download, rate, review, keep the comments flowing,
all the fun stuff, so I know what you're thinking.
And if you're liking the vibe of loser talk with Laird losing a lot more than
just weight, I provided a link
to my Venmo to leave a donation to keep the work of this podcast going.
(04:58):
The link is on here and on Facebook.
You don't know how much I appreciate all of you listening.
Seriously, thank you so much.
Are you ever anxious? Oh my God.
I love to start off our podcast like that with a serious question.
That is so laughable, but you guys can't see me and I can't see you.
(05:20):
So you can't see that I'm laughing when I ask it.
Of course you have anxious moments, right?
But the question is, how deep are those anxiety ridden moments?
Are they just fleeting and you handle them with ease or are they lingering and they hang around?
One of those dark clouds I often refer to. Mine is a darkness I've lived with my whole life.
(05:48):
My family is a family of anxiety. If you've listened to my first podcast,
you heard my mom was born to an alcoholic father.
Bingo, there's the anxiety gene.
Amongst a lot of other mental health challenges that will be discussed in this
podcast that stem from that gene, anxiety is huge.
(06:11):
So I'm talking about my dance with obsessive anxiety during this podcast while
I'm talking about it. Gauge yours.
Take your temperature with it. And maybe you don't have an issue,
and I really hope that you don't. But the good news is if you do and you realize
(06:31):
it, that is shining our light on your darkness.
There's no scary anymore. And now we can start to handle it.
Like I said, dance with it, hang around with it. Nothing to be scared of anymore.
Just some boring statistics right from the get-go because I seriously didn't
(06:52):
know any of this existed inside of me until just a few years ago.
And I have just learned a lot more about it recently.
And by the way, I'm 54. So yeah, it took me some time.
And I'm telling you, the only reason I'm learning about it now is because I'm
starting to care about me, love me, which means, hmm, Hmm, Larry does matter.
(07:18):
All those years before, Larry didn't exist.
Larry didn't want to exist. So who gives a crap if Larry was full of anxiety?
The first time I was told I was anxious was when I became a store manager for Aeropostale.
And my boss, Susan, who I adore, who could be listening, whom I learned so much
(07:41):
from, told me in passing I was wound tight.
She told me in passing because she assumed I knew that because hello, it was obvious.
Obvious to everyone else but Lair.
Lair didn't care about Lair, so I had no idea.
Wound so tight, I was making myself sick and it worked.
(08:04):
Anyway, enough stalling. You're excited about those statistics, so listen to this.
According to the National Institute of Mental Health, The wide variety of anxiety
disorders differ by the objects or situations that induce them,
but share features of excessive anxiety and related behavioral disturbances.
(08:26):
Anxiety disorders can interfere with daily activities.
Listen to this. See if one of these applies to you. Does it interfere with your
job performance, schoolwork, relationships?
Any anxiety disorders include panic disorder, generalized anxiety disorders,
agoraphobia, specialized phobia, social anxiety disorder, which is social phobia,
(08:52):
post-traumatic stress disorder,
obsessive-compulsive disorder, which if you look it up in the dictionary,
my shiny face is right there, and separation anxiety disorder. order.
Here's the percentages. I know I'm a nerd, but I love a good graph. Love a good graph.
(09:12):
Moderate anxiety amongst adults. This is moderate.
Moderate was at 33.7%, so 34% had moderate anxiety.
And here's severe. Listen to this. Severe amongst all adults that were studied, 22.8%.
23% were seriously impaired with anxiety.
(09:36):
This meant that their daily lives were impacted.
This included jobs, relationships, school life, health, etc.
I mean, this sucks majorly. The big problem is this.
It is so hard to talk about. And we are told to not talk about these things.
(09:57):
I say keep talking about it. Never, ever stop talking no matter who is telling
you they are sick of hearing it.
Keep talking about it because you know what happens if we don't talk about it?
We shove food down our throats to ignore it.
We shove alcohol down our throats to ignore it. We try to numb it with drugs
(10:18):
or whatever it is to try to ignore it.
We kill ourselves to try to ignore it.
No more ignoring it. It's time to realize what it is that's making us sick.
We're shining the light on the darkness.
If you've listened to my earlier podcast, you know my stories of father leaving
(10:39):
us when I was three and blah, blah, blah.
Well, here comes the anxiety, right? Some are dads.
Do I call my stepdad dad? He is my dad. He's always there and he cares about
me. Or the other one is the real whatever that means.
Weird, awkward. word and the real one's weirdo wife that hates us and hates
kids and always makes comments about what a burden we are.
(11:01):
Anxiety. We always were a burden at their house.
When you take a shower, that better not and water spot and the floor and bathtub
anywhere in that bathroom, just a weird and blah.
Anxiety. They were Pentecostal strict.
I couldn't say God, which I said all the time. time.
I was the one that made up, oh my God, OMG, I get a royalty every time somebody says OMG.
(11:27):
It goes ding and it goes right into my checking account. Okay, I'm a liar.
I'm sorry, God. Oh, I can't say God. Okay, sorry.
Anyway, I had to say gosh, but Jean, that's my real dad's whatever that meant, wife,
said it would be better if I said gosh, but then she didn't like gosh because
(11:48):
because the Lord preferred, oh, my word.
But then I thought, the Lord preferred, oh, my word.
How did she know? Did she have a direct line to the Lord because she wore no
makeup, had her weird twisted hair up in a bun, never drank water? She hated water.
Remember the bathroom and no water droplets seen anywhere? Well,
(12:10):
she wouldn't drink it anyway, either. Right?
So now I'm thinking, well, she had to be some definitely, definitely,
she had to be some weird alien.
Anywho, back to Christlike Jean. I had to say, oh my word, not God or gosh.
So anytime I'd open my mouth, anxiety.
(12:34):
I hated them.
Hated them. I hated him, mostly for what he did to mom. I didn't care what he
did to us, but how dare he to mom and left mom for that alien thing?
She was much older and gross and those dumb skirts and the fashion and no makeup.
(12:56):
And she was just so gross.
And he left us for his church family. And they lived happy after ever at blah, blah, ick. Anxiety.
Meanwhile back on the farm i was raised
for the first few years on the farm it
was a love hate relationship i love the
(13:18):
animals i still do animals are my jam
you can hear my dogs i'm sure i'm sure you can hear anytime i'm not paying attention
to them they're barking they're growling they're fighting they're playing with
their squeak they're they're they're trying to get my attention because I should
be paying attention to them 24-7. So I'm sure you can hear them.
(13:39):
But anyway, animals are my jam.
They're my escape from horrible humans.
Well, not you, of course, the listener. I love all of you.
But you know the other people. The other people, you know how icky.
So anyway, the animals I love.
But the gardening and the weeding and all that was not, I was not not made for all that.
(14:03):
I was, I'm allergic to the sun. I seriously, I'm not kidding.
I was born with asthma. I break out in the sun. Sometimes asthma was convenient.
Don't say anything. But a lot of times, I'm not kidding, I would stop breathing.
It's a real thing. It's an issue. It's a horrible disease.
We, the kids, there's eight of us, and I'm the youngest, so I was the cutest.
(14:29):
We had to maintain the garden with dad.
And when I say garden, you're thinking of some little cute patch of land with some plants on it.
No, this thing was was the size of Delaware.
Okay, I'm exaggerating. It was the size of Rhode Island.
Okay, so all eight of us kids and he out there supervising, mostly yelling and
(14:53):
screaming. That's how he communicated in those types of situations.
So yeah, anxiety.
I was the youngest and like I said, the cutest, of course.
So he let me get away with a lot. So I usually got out of doing a lot of the
crappy stuff out of the hot sun and the itchy, buggy yuck, and I would go to the animals and escape.
(15:16):
I'd sit on top of our split rail fence and either sing or read to our herd of
cattle, and they would all come running and just stand and listen to me in my concert.
It was my beautiful escape from all the madness, from all the anxiety.
It was where I was learning how to manage all of it. And then I'm so grateful I had that time.
(15:41):
As I got older, my brothers and sisters started leaving and living their lives.
And trust me what lives they lived.
My mom was always the center of my world. I always worried about her.
No one else was taking care of her.
She was worried about all of us, but no one was taking care of her.
(16:02):
She was always my main concern.
And she was always worried. So I was always worried about her.
She was always worried about, you know, so there was my anxiety.
My escape became music.
In fifth grade, I started playing trumpet, and then I learned baritone, horn, and flute.
Started piano lessons in seventh grade, and singing became my passion.
(16:24):
I was obsessed with Madonna, and my major obsession was this voice.
This voice I got lost in. Whitney Houston.
Her performances I would record and watch over and over and just get lost. lost.
This is where my dreams of music and living music were born.
(16:46):
And ultimately, Berklee College of Music would come calling, and I answered.
I never realized that as I had angst and anxiety that didn't feel so good inside
of me, instinctively, I would search out something that would balance that out to make me feel better.
I'm not sure why that surprises me. I mean, we all have that survival mode inside
(17:09):
of us, that yin and that yang that helps balance our soul to help find our peace.
But if we don't catch on to what is happening and realize we need to do this
more often, find that balance, our lives get out of control.
Our bodies get out of sync and we get sick.
(17:30):
Our minds get sick and we have to find that yang to our yin to help soothe our soul.
Growing older, my brother and sister really put my mom through hell.
They were always drinking and my brother doing drugs.
My sister was married to a guy in the Navy that abused her.
And she has three beautiful kids. I mean, they're not kids anymore,
(17:54):
of course, but they traveled all over and mom was always so worried about them.
Was always rescuing my sister and bringing them home away from him.
And then he'd come get them and the whole cycle would start over.
The whole family was involved in my sister's cycle of abuse and her madness.
(18:14):
But her kids suffered the most. Mom suffered with them. Poor mom.
I was worried about her anxiety.
As I traveled and worked away, opening retail stores, working all day,
drinking all night, that turned into my escape.
I wasn't finding the right yin to my yang. My balance was off,
(18:37):
and I was getting sicker and sicker.
High blood pressure. I didn't know it. The stress and anxiety had nowhere to
go but into the bottom of a beer glass.
And that never helps. I lost my music. I lost my way. I had to find my way to
myself and my way back home.
Literally and figuratively. I never knew myself. Never even cared.
(19:00):
Came home to mom to help her with dad. I reconnected with my beginnings.
I didn't know I needed all this. But once again, the universe was conspiring.
And this time I was forced to listen.
Mom desperately needed my help, so I was there for her.
And as I came home and was helping her, I got my real estate license and noticed,
(19:22):
driving home from the test, that my left side went completely numb.
I ended up with a blood clot in my lung. Bam!
Sickness. From all that anxiety and not having a yin to my yang,
My body was so sick, and Dad was getting sicker, so he opted to have a second open-heart surgery.
(19:44):
I was getting sicker, so I knew something was lurking in my body.
I tested positive for HIV.
All those years of no young to my Yang, of hating Larry, of not caring,
having finally caught up with me.
My body is giving out and crying out for help, and I finally had to listen as
(20:06):
I continued to help mom with dad.
I started medications, and my HIV quickly came under control.
I was near death, but I got it under control.
I rapidly gained 150 pounds. It was a perfect storm of dad stress,
health stress, medicine, being home, food, and yes, anxiety.
(20:34):
There it was.
As dad passed and mom moved on with her life, finally happy and remarried,
and I lived alone, miserable, fat, unhealthy,
disgusted with myself, as usual, I was walking up my front steps at 400 pounds
and the weight of my body crushed my right foot.
(20:57):
Crushed it just by walking up steps. It just snapped.
Eventually, I realized mom isn't getting any younger. I wasn't getting any younger.
I owed it to her what we just did
for dad I will not let her last days be
taken care of by strangers in a strange place I
won't let it happen So I found a Weight Watchers studio
(21:18):
and I walked in on a Friday and joined Never knowing that a couple years later
I would be a coach and that would be the end to my yang You all would help me
find my balance You all would help teach me to grow up to learn about me, to like me,
to find me, to love me, to care that I do exist,
(21:42):
that I do have feelings and textures and many layers.
And one of those layers contains many forms of anxiety that I'm continuously learning about.
Through all of you, I escape and you help me create me, Me, which is so beautiful.
(22:03):
You all are so beautiful to me. And most of us don't even care to realize it.
So if you were to stop and think of your anxiety, is it manageable?
Or do you need to find a yin for your yang?
What is the escape from the anxiousness, from your anxiousness? How do you manage it?
(22:27):
Look into yourself and make sure that you are. Please make sure.
Please don't make yourself sick like I did.
Please care about yourself so that you don't make yourself sick.
Please find a way to release it, to dance with it, to shine your light on it.
The darkness is not scary as long as we know it's there. So let's find it together.
(22:53):
Speaking of finding, I love how I'm always so smooth.
Speaking of finding, find me at LarrysLosers22 on Instagram,
The Evolution of Larry on Facebook, and don't forget to ask on there how to
join our private exclusive Larrys Losers VIP group on on Facebook.
(23:16):
Our Loser family is waiting for you with all kinds of new ways to connect with them and me.
If you're loving this podcast, you can donate to my Venmo link.
I've left it here and it's on Facebook.
I so appreciate you all for listening.
(23:38):
As I leave you, here are some words of wisdom.
Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strength.
Let us realize that sometimes the most important thing in a whole day is the
(24:00):
rest taken between two deep breaths. breaths. Breathe.
Rest. Relax. We are strong.
We can do this. Thanks so much for listening.
See you next time. Love you all.
(24:22):
Music.
Music.
(01:04):
Yes, I hear that funk of the Larry's Losers Orchestra.
They have just been blowing it up. I'm telling you, they are blowing up the charts.
They're blowing up the airwaves, all the things that they can blow up,
which I've warned them about.
(01:25):
I've been trying to keep them out of jail.
I've been trying to keep them out of jail.
But they just make beautiful music, don't they? Give them some applause.
It's a full-time job keeping them out of jail. But aren't you glad I do?
Because listening to Larry's Losers Orchestra, doesn't it just make you want
(01:48):
to get down with the get down?
Not sure what that means, but it sounds fun. And it also makes my hip hurt just thinking about it.
So anywho, welcome to the fourth episode of Loser Talk with Lair,
losing a lot more than just weight.
This podcast has been so well and so widely received, I'm just blown away with the responses.
(02:15):
Listen to this. We have regular listeners in Germany, Austria,
France, the UK, and Canada that I want to welcome, and I also want to send a
special welcome to a new listener from India.
Of course, I love all of my American
(02:36):
family. I truly didn't know what to expect when I set out to do this.
It has been a beautifully overwhelming experience.
I came across a crossroads in my life recently, you know, as we all often do in our lives.
Mine was and is, trust me, a ball of stress.
(02:58):
This season of life that I'm in, that I'm working through, but I just thought,
why not do a podcast? Yes.
Yes, go ahead. You're just so stressed.
Throw something else in there. Go for it. Had no idea what I was getting into or what would happen,
but I knew that there would be some sort of creative way for me to escape all
(03:22):
the madness I was in, right?
In fact, as you will often hear me talk about, the universe was right.
I was being pushed in this direction, and I'm finally starting to not be so
stubborn to open my ears,
to shut my mouth, and to listen to life and let it guide me on its path that
(03:48):
I need to stop fighting because there is where all the angst and madness and
stress and sickness and anxiety is created.
That is exactly what I'm talking about today, anxiety.
But wow, I got ahead of myself. You're asking, Larry, how do I find you?
(04:13):
I can hear you. And here's my answer.
Larry's Losers 22 on Instagram, the evolution of Larry on Facebook.
There you can ask to join our private, exclusive Larry's Losers VIP group on
Facebook, where we have fun, new ways to connect with our loser family and myself.
(04:36):
Don't forget to like, download, rate, review, keep the comments flowing,
all the fun stuff, so I know what you're thinking.
And if you're liking the vibe of loser talk with Laird losing a lot more than
just weight, I provided a link
to my Venmo to leave a donation to keep the work of this podcast going.
(04:58):
The link is on here and on Facebook.
You don't know how much I appreciate all of you listening.
Seriously, thank you so much.
Are you ever anxious? Oh my God.
I love to start off our podcast like that with a serious question.
That is so laughable, but you guys can't see me and I can't see you.
(05:20):
So you can't see that I'm laughing when I ask it.
Of course you have anxious moments, right?
But the question is, how deep are those anxiety ridden moments?
Are they just fleeting and you handle them with ease or are they lingering and they hang around?
One of those dark clouds I often refer to. Mine is a darkness I've lived with my whole life.
(05:48):
My family is a family of anxiety. If you've listened to my first podcast,
you heard my mom was born to an alcoholic father.
Bingo, there's the anxiety gene.
Amongst a lot of other mental health challenges that will be discussed in this
podcast that stem from that gene, anxiety is huge.
(06:11):
So I'm talking about my dance with obsessive anxiety during this podcast while
I'm talking about it. Gauge yours.
Take your temperature with it. And maybe you don't have an issue,
and I really hope that you don't. But the good news is if you do and you realize
(06:31):
it, that is shining our light on your darkness.
There's no scary anymore. And now we can start to handle it.
Like I said, dance with it, hang around with it. Nothing to be scared of anymore.
Just some boring statistics right from the get-go because I seriously didn't
(06:52):
know any of this existed inside of me until just a few years ago.
And I have just learned a lot more about it recently.
And by the way, I'm 54. So yeah, it took me some time.
And I'm telling you, the only reason I'm learning about it now is because I'm
starting to care about me, love me, which means, hmm, Hmm, Larry does matter.
(07:18):
All those years before, Larry didn't exist.
Larry didn't want to exist. So who gives a crap if Larry was full of anxiety?
The first time I was told I was anxious was when I became a store manager for Aeropostale.
And my boss, Susan, who I adore, who could be listening, whom I learned so much
(07:41):
from, told me in passing I was wound tight.
She told me in passing because she assumed I knew that because hello, it was obvious.
Obvious to everyone else but Lair.
Lair didn't care about Lair, so I had no idea.
Wound so tight, I was making myself sick and it worked.
(08:04):
Anyway, enough stalling. You're excited about those statistics, so listen to this.
According to the National Institute of Mental Health, The wide variety of anxiety
disorders differ by the objects or situations that induce them,
but share features of excessive anxiety and related behavioral disturbances.
(08:26):
Anxiety disorders can interfere with daily activities.
Listen to this. See if one of these applies to you. Does it interfere with your
job performance, schoolwork, relationships?
Any anxiety disorders include panic disorder, generalized anxiety disorders,
agoraphobia, specialized phobia, social anxiety disorder, which is social phobia,
(08:52):
post-traumatic stress disorder,
obsessive-compulsive disorder, which if you look it up in the dictionary,
my shiny face is right there, and separation anxiety disorder. order.
Here's the percentages. I know I'm a nerd, but I love a good graph. Love a good graph.
(09:12):
Moderate anxiety amongst adults. This is moderate.
Moderate was at 33.7%, so 34% had moderate anxiety.
And here's severe. Listen to this. Severe amongst all adults that were studied, 22.8%.
23% were seriously impaired with anxiety.
(09:36):
This meant that their daily lives were impacted.
This included jobs, relationships, school life, health, etc.
I mean, this sucks majorly. The big problem is this.
It is so hard to talk about. And we are told to not talk about these things.
(09:57):
I say keep talking about it. Never, ever stop talking no matter who is telling
you they are sick of hearing it.
Keep talking about it because you know what happens if we don't talk about it?
We shove food down our throats to ignore it.
We shove alcohol down our throats to ignore it. We try to numb it with drugs
(10:18):
or whatever it is to try to ignore it.
We kill ourselves to try to ignore it.
No more ignoring it. It's time to realize what it is that's making us sick.
We're shining the light on the darkness.
If you've listened to my earlier podcast, you know my stories of father leaving
(10:39):
us when I was three and blah, blah, blah.
Well, here comes the anxiety, right? Some are dads.
Do I call my stepdad dad? He is my dad. He's always there and he cares about
me. Or the other one is the real whatever that means.
Weird, awkward. word and the real one's weirdo wife that hates us and hates
kids and always makes comments about what a burden we are.
(11:01):
Anxiety. We always were a burden at their house.
When you take a shower, that better not and water spot and the floor and bathtub
anywhere in that bathroom, just a weird and blah.
Anxiety. They were Pentecostal strict.
I couldn't say God, which I said all the time. time.
I was the one that made up, oh my God, OMG, I get a royalty every time somebody says OMG.
(11:27):
It goes ding and it goes right into my checking account. Okay, I'm a liar.
I'm sorry, God. Oh, I can't say God. Okay, sorry.
Anyway, I had to say gosh, but Jean, that's my real dad's whatever that meant, wife,
said it would be better if I said gosh, but then she didn't like gosh because
(11:48):
because the Lord preferred, oh, my word.
But then I thought, the Lord preferred, oh, my word.
How did she know? Did she have a direct line to the Lord because she wore no
makeup, had her weird twisted hair up in a bun, never drank water? She hated water.
Remember the bathroom and no water droplets seen anywhere? Well,
(12:10):
she wouldn't drink it anyway, either. Right?
So now I'm thinking, well, she had to be some definitely, definitely,
she had to be some weird alien.
Anywho, back to Christlike Jean. I had to say, oh my word, not God or gosh.
So anytime I'd open my mouth, anxiety.
(12:34):
I hated them.
Hated them. I hated him, mostly for what he did to mom. I didn't care what he
did to us, but how dare he to mom and left mom for that alien thing?
She was much older and gross and those dumb skirts and the fashion and no makeup.
(12:56):
And she was just so gross.
And he left us for his church family. And they lived happy after ever at blah, blah, ick. Anxiety.
Meanwhile back on the farm i was raised
for the first few years on the farm it
was a love hate relationship i love the
(13:18):
animals i still do animals are my jam
you can hear my dogs i'm sure i'm sure you can hear anytime i'm not paying attention
to them they're barking they're growling they're fighting they're playing with
their squeak they're they're they're trying to get my attention because I should
be paying attention to them 24-7. So I'm sure you can hear them.
(13:39):
But anyway, animals are my jam.
They're my escape from horrible humans.
Well, not you, of course, the listener. I love all of you.
But you know the other people. The other people, you know how icky.
So anyway, the animals I love.
But the gardening and the weeding and all that was not, I was not not made for all that.
(14:03):
I was, I'm allergic to the sun. I seriously, I'm not kidding.
I was born with asthma. I break out in the sun. Sometimes asthma was convenient.
Don't say anything. But a lot of times, I'm not kidding, I would stop breathing.
It's a real thing. It's an issue. It's a horrible disease.
We, the kids, there's eight of us, and I'm the youngest, so I was the cutest.
(14:29):
We had to maintain the garden with dad.
And when I say garden, you're thinking of some little cute patch of land with some plants on it.
No, this thing was was the size of Delaware.
Okay, I'm exaggerating. It was the size of Rhode Island.
Okay, so all eight of us kids and he out there supervising, mostly yelling and
(14:53):
screaming. That's how he communicated in those types of situations.
So yeah, anxiety.
I was the youngest and like I said, the cutest, of course.
So he let me get away with a lot. So I usually got out of doing a lot of the
crappy stuff out of the hot sun and the itchy, buggy yuck, and I would go to the animals and escape.
(15:16):
I'd sit on top of our split rail fence and either sing or read to our herd of
cattle, and they would all come running and just stand and listen to me in my concert.
It was my beautiful escape from all the madness, from all the anxiety.
It was where I was learning how to manage all of it. And then I'm so grateful I had that time.
(15:41):
As I got older, my brothers and sisters started leaving and living their lives.
And trust me what lives they lived.
My mom was always the center of my world. I always worried about her.
No one else was taking care of her.
She was worried about all of us, but no one was taking care of her.
(16:02):
She was always my main concern.
And she was always worried. So I was always worried about her.
She was always worried about, you know, so there was my anxiety.
My escape became music.
In fifth grade, I started playing trumpet, and then I learned baritone, horn, and flute.
Started piano lessons in seventh grade, and singing became my passion.
(16:24):
I was obsessed with Madonna, and my major obsession was this voice.
This voice I got lost in. Whitney Houston.
Her performances I would record and watch over and over and just get lost. lost.
This is where my dreams of music and living music were born.
(16:46):
And ultimately, Berklee College of Music would come calling, and I answered.
I never realized that as I had angst and anxiety that didn't feel so good inside
of me, instinctively, I would search out something that would balance that out to make me feel better.
I'm not sure why that surprises me. I mean, we all have that survival mode inside
(17:09):
of us, that yin and that yang that helps balance our soul to help find our peace.
But if we don't catch on to what is happening and realize we need to do this
more often, find that balance, our lives get out of control.
Our bodies get out of sync and we get sick.
(17:30):
Our minds get sick and we have to find that yang to our yin to help soothe our soul.
Growing older, my brother and sister really put my mom through hell.
They were always drinking and my brother doing drugs.
My sister was married to a guy in the Navy that abused her.
And she has three beautiful kids. I mean, they're not kids anymore,
(17:54):
of course, but they traveled all over and mom was always so worried about them.
Was always rescuing my sister and bringing them home away from him.
And then he'd come get them and the whole cycle would start over.
The whole family was involved in my sister's cycle of abuse and her madness.
(18:14):
But her kids suffered the most. Mom suffered with them. Poor mom.
I was worried about her anxiety.
As I traveled and worked away, opening retail stores, working all day,
drinking all night, that turned into my escape.
I wasn't finding the right yin to my yang. My balance was off,
(18:37):
and I was getting sicker and sicker.
High blood pressure. I didn't know it. The stress and anxiety had nowhere to
go but into the bottom of a beer glass.
And that never helps. I lost my music. I lost my way. I had to find my way to
myself and my way back home.
Literally and figuratively. I never knew myself. Never even cared.
(19:00):
Came home to mom to help her with dad. I reconnected with my beginnings.
I didn't know I needed all this. But once again, the universe was conspiring.
And this time I was forced to listen.
Mom desperately needed my help, so I was there for her.
And as I came home and was helping her, I got my real estate license and noticed,
(19:22):
driving home from the test, that my left side went completely numb.
I ended up with a blood clot in my lung. Bam!
Sickness. From all that anxiety and not having a yin to my yang,
My body was so sick, and Dad was getting sicker, so he opted to have a second open-heart surgery.
(19:44):
I was getting sicker, so I knew something was lurking in my body.
I tested positive for HIV.
All those years of no young to my Yang, of hating Larry, of not caring,
having finally caught up with me.
My body is giving out and crying out for help, and I finally had to listen as
(20:06):
I continued to help mom with dad.
I started medications, and my HIV quickly came under control.
I was near death, but I got it under control.
I rapidly gained 150 pounds. It was a perfect storm of dad stress,
health stress, medicine, being home, food, and yes, anxiety.
(20:34):
There it was.
As dad passed and mom moved on with her life, finally happy and remarried,
and I lived alone, miserable, fat, unhealthy,
disgusted with myself, as usual, I was walking up my front steps at 400 pounds
and the weight of my body crushed my right foot.
(20:57):
Crushed it just by walking up steps. It just snapped.
Eventually, I realized mom isn't getting any younger. I wasn't getting any younger.
I owed it to her what we just did
for dad I will not let her last days be
taken care of by strangers in a strange place I
won't let it happen So I found a Weight Watchers studio
(21:18):
and I walked in on a Friday and joined Never knowing that a couple years later
I would be a coach and that would be the end to my yang You all would help me
find my balance You all would help teach me to grow up to learn about me, to like me,
to find me, to love me, to care that I do exist,
(21:42):
that I do have feelings and textures and many layers.
And one of those layers contains many forms of anxiety that I'm continuously learning about.
Through all of you, I escape and you help me create me, Me, which is so beautiful.
(22:03):
You all are so beautiful to me. And most of us don't even care to realize it.
So if you were to stop and think of your anxiety, is it manageable?
Or do you need to find a yin for your yang?
What is the escape from the anxiousness, from your anxiousness? How do you manage it?
(22:27):
Look into yourself and make sure that you are. Please make sure.
Please don't make yourself sick like I did.
Please care about yourself so that you don't make yourself sick.
Please find a way to release it, to dance with it, to shine your light on it.
The darkness is not scary as long as we know it's there. So let's find it together.
(22:53):
Speaking of finding, I love how I'm always so smooth.
Speaking of finding, find me at LarrysLosers22 on Instagram,
The Evolution of Larry on Facebook, and don't forget to ask on there how to
join our private exclusive Larrys Losers VIP group on on Facebook.
(23:16):
Our Loser family is waiting for you with all kinds of new ways to connect with them and me.
If you're loving this podcast, you can donate to my Venmo link.
I've left it here and it's on Facebook.
I so appreciate you all for listening.
(23:38):
As I leave you, here are some words of wisdom.
Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strength.
Let us realize that sometimes the most important thing in a whole day is the
(24:00):
rest taken between two deep breaths. breaths. Breathe.
Rest. Relax. We are strong.
We can do this. Thanks so much for listening.
See you next time. Love you all.
(24:22):
Music.
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