April 3, 2024 • 17 mins
In Episode 5 of Loser Talk with Lar, we dive deep into the heart of darkness and find the light on the other side. Our host, Larry, shares his personal journey of finding himself amidst life's toughest challenges and finding the courage to face his fears.
This episode explores the transformative power of embracing our inner darkness. Larry shares his heartfelt story of being diagnosed with HIV, struggling with his darkness, and eventually shining his light on it. His deeply personal narrative challenges the usual societal norms of hiding our struggle, ushering us instead towards a path of self-healing.
Fear, anxiety, and depression often become our constant companions in darkness, but this episode encourages us to confront these emotions head-on. It implores us to acknowledge our myriad fears and to 'dance' with our darkness, learning invaluable life lessons along the way.
Larry's journey from fear and self-loathing to acceptance and love surprisingly led him to unexpected places, people, and experiences. His story inspires us to shed light on our personal fears and anxieties – reinforcing the notion that we are not alone in our struggle and that it is okay to seek help and confront our fears.
Taking us through his remarkable story of transformation and personal evolution, Larry subtly reminds us of our inherent power to heal, grow and thrive, amidst even the darkest of times. The episode ends with an uplifting note on embracing our darkness to help us learn, grow, and transform.
This enlightening episode serves as a beacon of hope for all currently grappling with their demons, encouraging them to bravely confront their fears and grow from the experience. A must-listen for anyone looking for light amidst darkness, yearning for courage amidst fear, and striving for hope amidst despair.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Music.
(01:07):
That is the Larry's Losers Orchestra.
They are pumping up the jam. Pumping up the jam.
You seriously can't handle their jelly when they jam.
The jelly with the jam. Mm, jelly and jam on fresh rye bread.
(01:28):
Mm, delish. Jelly and jam on fresh rye bread.
Anywho, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, the famous Larry's Losers Orchestra.
They're the best in the biz. They're the best in the biz. So why don't you give them some love?
There you go. There you go. Give them some love. Show them some love.
(01:53):
Yes. Yes, thank you.
Welcome to episode five of Loser Talk with Lair, losing a lot more than just weight.
I'm so thankful that I let life guide me in the direction of this podcast,
and I continue to let it take me wherever it wants down this path.
It truly is a season of stress and anxiety for me, like I talked about last
(02:17):
week, and usually I would just sit paralyzed and worry,
but this time I let life take me by the hand and this podcast was one of those
beautiful things that was born during this very difficult period.
The creative flow that it allows me and all the love that I'm getting from all
over the world is truly helping me to heal and grow. It's beyond words.
(02:45):
Please continue to find me on Instagram at LarrysLosers22.
Facebook is The Evolution of Larry. And on there, you can ask to be in our private,
exclusive LarrysLosers VIP group on Facebook,
where our loser family is rapidly gathering and growing with fun,
(03:06):
new ways to connect with each other and with me.
Guess what? We even have our own Zoom starting on April 7th. I'm so excited.
So make sure you join in on the fun. Our own Zoom's coming up.
If you're liking this podcast, I provided a link on here to my Venmo and on
Facebook also with other ways to gift too.
(03:29):
I'm so grateful that you're here with me listening. Thank you so much.
Do you ever sit around and think about your darkness?
I mean, I know you're thinking, well, no, Larry, that's morbid and weird and
and wizardry, and witchery.
And why would I think about darkness? I pay my electric bill. My lights are on.
(03:51):
But here's the thing. I have a beard, right? And the beard knows all.
And if you ever listen to me talk, you will hear me talk about the light and
dark a lot. Light and dark, right?
Everything in life that is supposed to be scary and dark to us,
we need to make friends with and shine our light on.
(04:16):
Doesn't that just make sense to you or is it just me?
Why would we try to hide it our whole lives and ignore it and tuck it away?
Tuck it away, ignore it. What does that do? Think about that.
Because that's exactly what we've always done.
We hide it away, let it be dark and inside us, tucked away and ignored and let it eat away at us.
(04:41):
We think, well, we aren't thinking about it. We're ignoring it, so it will go away.
But it's the total opposite. It eats us from the inside.
We are always told, don't talk about it. Suck it up, move on.
All those things that we're just supposed to do to handle it.
But that's not how life works.
(05:02):
Because here goes the eating to make the pain stop.
Or the drugs or the alcohol or whatever it is that we think will make all that noise go away,
nothing will make it go away until we dance with that darkness and realize that
scary monster isn't really that scary at all.
(05:28):
Remember last week I told you that I was HIV positive?
Let me tell you about a darkness. Let me tell you, that's a darkness, okay?
That came at a huge dark time in my life, huge.
I was at a proud pinnacle moment in my retail career, but I didn't know it.
I was the shop director for Bath & Body Works at St.
(05:50):
Matthew's Mall in Louisville, Kentucky, a very high volume, prestigious position
to have that I just stumbled in and grabbed.
And I wasn't even able to see or care how much talent and full of potential
that just came naturally to me.
It just oozed out of me and I didn't know.
(06:10):
It just came naturally to me. It always had. And I chose to ignore it because
I didn't deserve any of that.
I deserve the darkness that devoured me.
It devoured me because I let it. I enjoyed that miserable feeling.
I think if you start connecting with
(06:31):
your darkness, you will realize you understand what I'm talking about.
We get comfortable being uncomfortable because it's all we ever deserved.
Anywho, I'm getting ahead of myself. I tend to do that.
Back to St. Matthews, Louisville, Bath and Body Works. So, Miserable Larry worked
(06:54):
one night, closed the store, and ended up downtown to drink, of course.
This was the year 2000.
My God, that was 24 years ago.
24 years ago, golf.
Wow. Wow. So yeah, I was younger and pretty and I looked good at the club.
(07:18):
I met a guy, of course. I was young. I was a hot guy.
He was young. He was a hot guy. And you know, I'm not ashamed.
People all over the world have, you know, sex.
Shh. Don't tell anyone. But it's true. And now you got me blushing.
(07:40):
But it's true. People all over the world do some things.
There was something about this night, though. I remember getting to his very
cool high-rise apartment. It was so nice.
But I don't remember much about it. I remember blacking out,
waking up during, kinda, blacking out, leaving, getting very sick on the way home, blacking out.
(08:08):
I feel like something was put in my drink, but none of that mattered. None of that mattered.
I was in a deep, dark place.
Anyway, the night was over. Usual drunk Larry, back to work, miserable Larry, blah.
I was homesick. I was just sick and miserable, living in my darkness.
(08:31):
I got very sick a few weeks later.
A flu came over me so bad I couldn't move for a couple weeks.
It was lingering. I could not move. I can't even describe it to you.
I knew exactly what had happened and what all this meant.
I was a child of the 80s I watched
(08:54):
in horror All of the horrific images
of everyone dying And then
as I got older I watched in person The
horror of friends dying with it I knew now I had it That darkness lived inside
of me That darkness that I've been so terrified My entire adult life is now
(09:18):
part of me But what did I do?
The flu eventually went away.
I went back to work and pretended everything was fine.
Everything was fine. But every couple of years, my body would remind me with
weird infections and hospitalizations,
(09:39):
and unexplained happenings that myself and the doctors would just ignore and
treat the symptoms, ignore the darkness,
Maybe it'll just go away.
Then mom needed me, and I moved home. I kept getting sicker and sicker and fatter and fatter.
(10:00):
I was starting instinctively to know that I needed to find myself.
Where was I? Who was I? What was I?
Somewhere in all that mess, all that darkness, I was there somewhere,
but I had no idea how to find the light.
I was searching. I had been searching, but I had no idea.
Then one day, I decided to get tested.
(10:23):
I decided that I had to look into that darkness.
I talked to mom about it as we sat outside. I'll never forget the conversation.
There's so many conversations that I'll never forget with her, of course.
I told her that I knew I was positive, HIV positive, and she said she knew that I was too.
(10:44):
But I had to get tested to face it, to finally face it and start that journey.
That dance with that darkness.
Getting to know that darkness So I did I faced that scary darkness and at first
it was horribly scary horribly scary Horribly scary facing it Sorry,
(11:07):
i'm getting choked up But after I sat with it for a little bit and got to know
it and understand it It became a great teacher for me. Actually.
I was so grateful to it It made me stop drinking It made me stop in my tracks.
It made me slow down and realize life is good and precious. It really did make me.
(11:31):
It made me realize that there are roses to stop and smell and that they do smell good. So grateful.
My middle niece moved home right as I started meds, and she took me to my doctor's appointments.
We have always been very close. I've always treasured our relationship. So close.
(11:54):
And as we went to our appointments, she and the doctor started noticing each other and flirting.
She and the doctor started dating. She and the doctor got married.
She and the doctor had two beautiful babies. babies have two beautiful babies.
She and the doctor have a beautiful life together.
(12:15):
That doctor has become an integral part of our family.
He was an angel to my mom and became one of her very own.
He took care of her when she was sick. They took her into their home,
and that is where we cared for her when she left us.
That doctor is an angel of ours.
(12:35):
If I would have lived in that darkness and stayed in that misery and sickness
and let it continue to devour me,
continue to deny and ignore that anything was happening to me,
continue to fight the darkness and be afraid.
None of that light, none of that miracle of life and beauty,
(12:58):
that angelic light of life would have never happened to us.
None of it would have ever happened to us.
The choice is really ours. We can be comfortable being uncomfortable.
Or we can finally stand up for ourselves because we finally deserve to live.
(13:23):
We deserve to have our light. We deserve to take that darkness and acknowledge
it and let it work for us instead of letting it devour us.
I see it all the time with basic things like food, scared of the food.
And I always say food didn't make us sick. Food didn't make us fat.
(13:45):
Food didn't get us unhealthy.
Eat the food. Eat the food. Be okay with the food. Don't be upset with the scale.
Get on the scale. Don't be scared of the scale. All of it. Don't be scared of it anymore.
Once you shine your light on any of the scary parts, it all becomes your normal.
(14:07):
And you can handle it all.
I know my story is dramatic and I hope your stories aren't as dark,
but no matter how dark your darkness is, what do you think about this?
Do you think you can start normalizing those things you've chosen to hide and ignore?
(14:29):
We know what happens when we hide and ignore. That's when sickness finds us.
So don't let it find you. But you can find me God.
I'm good Find me on Instagram at LarrysLosers22 The evolution of Larry on Facebook On there,
(14:50):
ask to join our exclusive private LarrysLosers VIP group Our loser family is
gathering there with all kinds of new ways to connect with us Please tell me
what you're thinking Don't forget to rate, follow,
like, comment, review, all the stuff.
And you can even leave a gift. I've provided a link on here to my Venmo.
(15:13):
If you're liking the vibe of my loser podcast, I so appreciate you listening.
Before I leave you, here are some words of wisdom.
Fear not the dark. For we bloom in the womb before greeting our light.
(15:38):
We were made out of the darkness. Let's use it to help us learn and grow.
Thanks so much for listening. See you next time. Love you all.
Music.
Music.
(01:07):
That is the Larry's Losers Orchestra.
They are pumping up the jam. Pumping up the jam.
You seriously can't handle their jelly when they jam.
The jelly with the jam. Mm, jelly and jam on fresh rye bread.
(01:28):
Mm, delish. Jelly and jam on fresh rye bread.
Anywho, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, the famous Larry's Losers Orchestra.
They're the best in the biz. They're the best in the biz. So why don't you give them some love?
There you go. There you go. Give them some love. Show them some love.
(01:53):
Yes. Yes, thank you.
Welcome to episode five of Loser Talk with Lair, losing a lot more than just weight.
I'm so thankful that I let life guide me in the direction of this podcast,
and I continue to let it take me wherever it wants down this path.
It truly is a season of stress and anxiety for me, like I talked about last
(02:17):
week, and usually I would just sit paralyzed and worry,
but this time I let life take me by the hand and this podcast was one of those
beautiful things that was born during this very difficult period.
The creative flow that it allows me and all the love that I'm getting from all
over the world is truly helping me to heal and grow. It's beyond words.
(02:45):
Please continue to find me on Instagram at LarrysLosers22.
Facebook is The Evolution of Larry. And on there, you can ask to be in our private,
exclusive LarrysLosers VIP group on Facebook,
where our loser family is rapidly gathering and growing with fun,
(03:06):
new ways to connect with each other and with me.
Guess what? We even have our own Zoom starting on April 7th. I'm so excited.
So make sure you join in on the fun. Our own Zoom's coming up.
If you're liking this podcast, I provided a link on here to my Venmo and on
Facebook also with other ways to gift too.
(03:29):
I'm so grateful that you're here with me listening. Thank you so much.
Do you ever sit around and think about your darkness?
I mean, I know you're thinking, well, no, Larry, that's morbid and weird and
and wizardry, and witchery.
And why would I think about darkness? I pay my electric bill. My lights are on.
(03:51):
But here's the thing. I have a beard, right? And the beard knows all.
And if you ever listen to me talk, you will hear me talk about the light and
dark a lot. Light and dark, right?
Everything in life that is supposed to be scary and dark to us,
we need to make friends with and shine our light on.
(04:16):
Doesn't that just make sense to you or is it just me?
Why would we try to hide it our whole lives and ignore it and tuck it away?
Tuck it away, ignore it. What does that do? Think about that.
Because that's exactly what we've always done.
We hide it away, let it be dark and inside us, tucked away and ignored and let it eat away at us.
(04:41):
We think, well, we aren't thinking about it. We're ignoring it, so it will go away.
But it's the total opposite. It eats us from the inside.
We are always told, don't talk about it. Suck it up, move on.
All those things that we're just supposed to do to handle it.
But that's not how life works.
(05:02):
Because here goes the eating to make the pain stop.
Or the drugs or the alcohol or whatever it is that we think will make all that noise go away,
nothing will make it go away until we dance with that darkness and realize that
scary monster isn't really that scary at all.
(05:28):
Remember last week I told you that I was HIV positive?
Let me tell you about a darkness. Let me tell you, that's a darkness, okay?
That came at a huge dark time in my life, huge.
I was at a proud pinnacle moment in my retail career, but I didn't know it.
I was the shop director for Bath & Body Works at St.
(05:50):
Matthew's Mall in Louisville, Kentucky, a very high volume, prestigious position
to have that I just stumbled in and grabbed.
And I wasn't even able to see or care how much talent and full of potential
that just came naturally to me.
It just oozed out of me and I didn't know.
(06:10):
It just came naturally to me. It always had. And I chose to ignore it because
I didn't deserve any of that.
I deserve the darkness that devoured me.
It devoured me because I let it. I enjoyed that miserable feeling.
I think if you start connecting with
(06:31):
your darkness, you will realize you understand what I'm talking about.
We get comfortable being uncomfortable because it's all we ever deserved.
Anywho, I'm getting ahead of myself. I tend to do that.
Back to St. Matthews, Louisville, Bath and Body Works. So, Miserable Larry worked
(06:54):
one night, closed the store, and ended up downtown to drink, of course.
This was the year 2000.
My God, that was 24 years ago.
24 years ago, golf.
Wow. Wow. So yeah, I was younger and pretty and I looked good at the club.
(07:18):
I met a guy, of course. I was young. I was a hot guy.
He was young. He was a hot guy. And you know, I'm not ashamed.
People all over the world have, you know, sex.
Shh. Don't tell anyone. But it's true. And now you got me blushing.
(07:40):
But it's true. People all over the world do some things.
There was something about this night, though. I remember getting to his very
cool high-rise apartment. It was so nice.
But I don't remember much about it. I remember blacking out,
waking up during, kinda, blacking out, leaving, getting very sick on the way home, blacking out.
(08:08):
I feel like something was put in my drink, but none of that mattered. None of that mattered.
I was in a deep, dark place.
Anyway, the night was over. Usual drunk Larry, back to work, miserable Larry, blah.
I was homesick. I was just sick and miserable, living in my darkness.
(08:31):
I got very sick a few weeks later.
A flu came over me so bad I couldn't move for a couple weeks.
It was lingering. I could not move. I can't even describe it to you.
I knew exactly what had happened and what all this meant.
I was a child of the 80s I watched
(08:54):
in horror All of the horrific images
of everyone dying And then
as I got older I watched in person The
horror of friends dying with it I knew now I had it That darkness lived inside
of me That darkness that I've been so terrified My entire adult life is now
(09:18):
part of me But what did I do?
The flu eventually went away.
I went back to work and pretended everything was fine.
Everything was fine. But every couple of years, my body would remind me with
weird infections and hospitalizations,
(09:39):
and unexplained happenings that myself and the doctors would just ignore and
treat the symptoms, ignore the darkness,
Maybe it'll just go away.
Then mom needed me, and I moved home. I kept getting sicker and sicker and fatter and fatter.
(10:00):
I was starting instinctively to know that I needed to find myself.
Where was I? Who was I? What was I?
Somewhere in all that mess, all that darkness, I was there somewhere,
but I had no idea how to find the light.
I was searching. I had been searching, but I had no idea.
Then one day, I decided to get tested.
(10:23):
I decided that I had to look into that darkness.
I talked to mom about it as we sat outside. I'll never forget the conversation.
There's so many conversations that I'll never forget with her, of course.
I told her that I knew I was positive, HIV positive, and she said she knew that I was too.
(10:44):
But I had to get tested to face it, to finally face it and start that journey.
That dance with that darkness.
Getting to know that darkness So I did I faced that scary darkness and at first
it was horribly scary horribly scary Horribly scary facing it Sorry,
(11:07):
i'm getting choked up But after I sat with it for a little bit and got to know
it and understand it It became a great teacher for me. Actually.
I was so grateful to it It made me stop drinking It made me stop in my tracks.
It made me slow down and realize life is good and precious. It really did make me.
(11:31):
It made me realize that there are roses to stop and smell and that they do smell good. So grateful.
My middle niece moved home right as I started meds, and she took me to my doctor's appointments.
We have always been very close. I've always treasured our relationship. So close.
(11:54):
And as we went to our appointments, she and the doctor started noticing each other and flirting.
She and the doctor started dating. She and the doctor got married.
She and the doctor had two beautiful babies. babies have two beautiful babies.
She and the doctor have a beautiful life together.
(12:15):
That doctor has become an integral part of our family.
He was an angel to my mom and became one of her very own.
He took care of her when she was sick. They took her into their home,
and that is where we cared for her when she left us.
That doctor is an angel of ours.
(12:35):
If I would have lived in that darkness and stayed in that misery and sickness
and let it continue to devour me,
continue to deny and ignore that anything was happening to me,
continue to fight the darkness and be afraid.
None of that light, none of that miracle of life and beauty,
(12:58):
that angelic light of life would have never happened to us.
None of it would have ever happened to us.
The choice is really ours. We can be comfortable being uncomfortable.
Or we can finally stand up for ourselves because we finally deserve to live.
(13:23):
We deserve to have our light. We deserve to take that darkness and acknowledge
it and let it work for us instead of letting it devour us.
I see it all the time with basic things like food, scared of the food.
And I always say food didn't make us sick. Food didn't make us fat.
(13:45):
Food didn't get us unhealthy.
Eat the food. Eat the food. Be okay with the food. Don't be upset with the scale.
Get on the scale. Don't be scared of the scale. All of it. Don't be scared of it anymore.
Once you shine your light on any of the scary parts, it all becomes your normal.
(14:07):
And you can handle it all.
I know my story is dramatic and I hope your stories aren't as dark,
but no matter how dark your darkness is, what do you think about this?
Do you think you can start normalizing those things you've chosen to hide and ignore?
(14:29):
We know what happens when we hide and ignore. That's when sickness finds us.
So don't let it find you. But you can find me God.
I'm good Find me on Instagram at LarrysLosers22 The evolution of Larry on Facebook On there,
(14:50):
ask to join our exclusive private LarrysLosers VIP group Our loser family is
gathering there with all kinds of new ways to connect with us Please tell me
what you're thinking Don't forget to rate, follow,
like, comment, review, all the stuff.
And you can even leave a gift. I've provided a link on here to my Venmo.
(15:13):
If you're liking the vibe of my loser podcast, I so appreciate you listening.
Before I leave you, here are some words of wisdom.
Fear not the dark. For we bloom in the womb before greeting our light.
(15:38):
We were made out of the darkness. Let's use it to help us learn and grow.
Thanks so much for listening. See you next time. Love you all.
Music.
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