May 26, 2025 • 45 mins
Trigger warning.
Some of you may find this episode uncomfortable to listen to as it covers topics such as mental health, eating disorders, sexual assault and R-word.
After she stopped filming Married At First Sight in August last year, Katie’s life fell apart and she turned to binge eating, a form of self-soothing she’s battled with for years. Tim’s instant rejection on their wedding day wasn’t just heartbreaking to watch, but it brought so much unresolved trauma to the surface relating to an incident that happened to her when she was 20.
What happened to Katie back then, how she spiraled afterwards and how it’s still something she’s working through is something I can very much resonate with, as I was victim of the same thing and also allowed it to destroy my life afterwards.
As Katie continues this journey she’s on, she is now working with nuut, a plant-based nutrition brand.
If you’ve been impacted by anything discussed in this episode, 1800RESPECT is available for free, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week to support people impacted by domestic, family or sexual violence.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello, and welcome back to The Maths Funny Podcast with
Me Joshua Fox and trigger warning. Some of you may
find this episode uncomfortable to listen to as it covers
topics such as mental health, eating disorders, sexual assault and rape.
And as heavy as this episode does get, I think
it is a very important conversation to have and to
(00:20):
share on here. So last night, some of you may
have watched Katie on a Current Affair where she was
talking about her journey since married at First Sight and
how she's been focusing on her health, learning to love
herself and overcoming some very heartbreaking things from her past
which she's never spoken about publicly until now. And that's
because she's no longer ashamed of this, and she's realized
(00:43):
that sharing this publicly won't just help her rid any
last bit of shame that she's held on to for
so long now, but it will also help other victims
who have been through similar things feel less alone and
ashamed of what happened to them. Since this season and
started airing, I have got to know Katie privately and
have been aware of this personal journey she has been on,
(01:06):
and I also became aware of how that instant rejection
from Tim.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
On her wedding day that we all.
Speaker 1 (01:11):
Watched brought back so much trauma that none of us
had any idea about, and none of us would have
any idea about because she's.
Speaker 2 (01:19):
Never shared this.
Speaker 1 (01:21):
And I remember as Katie's storyline played out, as much
as we all felt sorry for her and wanted her
to just find her dream man and have a happily
ever after, there were also so many people saying things like, oh,
stop crying, get over it. You've only known him a day,
you know he's type who cares. Then this conversation will
give you all so much context as to why Katie
(01:41):
did become so emotional on the show, and this chat
will hopefully act as a reminder that we never really
know what someone has been through or are going through,
so we should always maybe try just be a bit
more kinder and sympathetic, which I know is easier said
than done, especially and watching and judging reality television. And
(02:03):
for anyone who has read my book or seen a
recent video I did on my personal Instagram last week,
you will know that what happened to Katie, which she
shares in this episode, is something that once happened to
me too, and that's kind of why we wanted to
have this chat together. And just like Katie, after my incident,
(02:25):
I did blame myself. I was mad how I could
let someone do something like that to me, and then
I then spiraled. I developed bad habits, I self sabotaged
good things in my life. I pushed people away and
it's been a journey for me to overcome that. And
as much as I have and I acknowledge what happened
(02:47):
and the bad things that happened afterwards, I haven't fully
overcome it because like tiny things can trigger the darkest moments,
like often unbeknown to the person who may have brought
everything back to the surface, which again, if anyone is
following the little series I'm doing with my current partner Stephanel,
(03:07):
that's kind of what happened between us, and I was
pushing him away because he said something which brought back
all these things and then we spoke about that in
a clip, which was scary for me to put.
Speaker 2 (03:17):
That out there.
Speaker 1 (03:17):
But similar to Katie, I'm not ashamed and maybe if
more people had these conversations, people who have been for
it would feel less I don't know, blaming themselves I
don't know.
Speaker 2 (03:29):
Sorry I'm rambling now.
Speaker 1 (03:31):
Before I played the chat out with Katie again, I
just want to say trigger warning. This does cover some
quite heavy and dark topics, so only listen if you
think you're able to. Hello Katie, Hi Josh, Welcome back
to the Maths for new podcast.
Speaker 3 (03:47):
Thank you. Good to be here. As always.
Speaker 1 (03:49):
You are, in my six years covering the show, the
first Maths person to come into my house.
Speaker 2 (03:55):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (03:56):
I feel very very honored. We're going to have a
safe chat, safe space, you know, peace and love.
Speaker 1 (04:02):
Yeah, and that's why I wanted to do this here,
not the studio, because I know we're going to talk
about maybe some personal things, and yeah, it feels like.
Speaker 2 (04:10):
A nice space.
Speaker 3 (04:12):
Yeah, thank you. I appreciate it. It's so caring.
Speaker 2 (04:17):
How have you been.
Speaker 1 (04:18):
I've not seen you in a month now since the reunion.
Speaker 3 (04:21):
Yeah, since yeah, the Daily Telegraph reunion, I.
Speaker 2 (04:28):
Daily Mail.
Speaker 3 (04:33):
Yeah, I've been. Well, I've been, you know, getting back
into the swing of things as you do. But alongside
like all these realizations that I'm left with about myself
that I've not been confronted with before. So just navigating
that and trying to be gentle with myself and yeah,
get get back into the momentum of normal life for
(04:56):
the new normal, which.
Speaker 2 (04:57):
Is all easier said than done, very much, so.
Speaker 3 (05:00):
Much easier said than done. So yeah, it's been it's
been good.
Speaker 1 (05:05):
I don't know, I feel like I have a better
connection with you than the rest of the cast this year.
And I think it came down to remember a few
weeks when you sent me that voice message for after
the reunion and you were like, yeah, I saw there
was something off of you.
Speaker 2 (05:17):
Yeah, bad energy.
Speaker 1 (05:18):
And then you did the saging burning thing. And then
my mom was confused because I know she thought I
was like, but I just thought that was so lovely.
And then for me, we all kind of fell in
love with you from the start. You're just a great personality,
great energy, and like we just wanted you to fine happiness.
Speaker 2 (05:38):
I mean, remember I did the billboard.
Speaker 3 (05:40):
Yes, oh my god, that was Honestly, that was the
best thing I've ever seen in my life out of
everything I've seen. I was like, oh my gosh, that
was gold.
Speaker 1 (05:54):
That's how passionate. I was like, the show, did you dirty?
Speaker 2 (05:58):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (05:59):
And then you know, at the time we all got
caught up with him just how we rejected you, and
that was cruel. And then I suppose the way we
as the fans, were like, well, bring it back, mixture
and do her a better match. But I suppose what
we didn't know is that there was like a lot
more attached to this storyline that nobody really knows.
Speaker 3 (06:19):
For you personally, right, yeah, I think that's yeah, definitely,
the case with me and others is that you know,
you're on your own math's journey and there's so many
layers to a storyline that you just don't get, and
especially mine, I was, you know, really triggered, and the
rejection was just another kind of heavy thing to carry,
(06:44):
and it really it brought me to a turning point.
And I could implode even further and internalize that even more,
and or I could like use it as a catalyst
to go in a very different direction. And I was ready.
(07:05):
I was done. That was the last time I'm ever
gonna let anyone make me feel bad about myself.
Speaker 2 (07:12):
That's great.
Speaker 1 (07:13):
Yeah, And then it was I supposed the storyline was the
rejection was he just looked at you your appearance.
Speaker 3 (07:22):
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:23):
And then I suppose what we're going to talk about
today is kind of how layered that is and how
much trauma is attached to that. People don't know. And
it's easy to on these shows. You know, he took
you up just appearance and went no, and then people
could be dismissive to you, be like, oh, we'll get
(07:43):
over it. He didn't like you, but someone else will.
But actually you can't just do that. You can't just
shrug things off.
Speaker 2 (07:49):
And yeah, I suppose your struggle with.
Speaker 1 (07:53):
Body image and your way and kind of insecurities around
that that's been with you for a long time now.
Speaker 3 (07:59):
Yeah, absolutely, And I feel like the more traumatic things
I go through that went through because I'm not doing
it anymore. The more trauma I kind of have in
my life, the more I comfort eat, or the more
I blame myself, or the more I carry that burden
(08:20):
and don't know how to deal with that pain and anxiety.
So the only thing that and a pattern and a
habit that I have, probably from childhood, is that I
would turn to comfort food or turn to binge eating,
because when I binge eat, binge ate, I would then
get sleepy, so like relax me and then you know,
(08:43):
food comba myself and you know, so I just had
some really bad habits going on, but it was for survival.
It was just to get through the day and get through,
you know, what was going on. And it's just like
that's my way that I dealt with trauma and bad
things happening on a day to day or whatever scenario situations.
(09:08):
So I feel like when I saw myself on MATHS,
and when I saw that the person that was supposed
to love me for me and learn to get to
know me and who I am on the inside was
just so dismissive based off five seconds of seeing me.
(09:33):
It was really really difficult because I brought up so
much rejection and so much kind of getting you thrown
out or treated like a piece of meat and like
something to be you know, discarded like ill to And
I'm so much more than my physical body, and I
(09:56):
have so much love to give and so much you know,
beauty to bring into somebody's life emotionally, like I feel
like I'm real wifey material, you know, and to be
so quickly tossed aside really carried with it so much,
(10:17):
so many triggers, because you know, in this just in
this world alone, it's just shallow and gross, and but
for me. I have a pretty dark past with relationship
with regards to male interactions, where I have been reduced
(10:39):
to what I am physically, and I have been reduced
to being a piece of meat to have their way
with and then throw away like I didn't matter. And
I felt that again. I felt everything just get ripped
open again. But it was in front of so many people,
(11:00):
and it was Yeah, it was really really tricky, and
I like tried to hold myself together and I tried
to you know, just be in my own headspace and
self self soothe as much as I could. And yeah,
(11:21):
I got out of there, and I and then I
watched it back in particular, and I saw myself as
somebody who hadn't yet healed, and I could see the
physical repercussions of my lifestyle, and I was like, no,
I'm not gonna let that keep happening to me. Nobody
gets that power anymore. So, yeah, it's been a big turnaround,
(11:46):
but it's a lot of yeah triggers, and you know,
we all hold our trauma in different ways.
Speaker 1 (11:53):
Right, Yeah, And then as you say, you know, within
seconds he did just it was physical and like I
can't even imagine, like how much it took you to
even get there on your wedding day and agree to that,
knowing the level of scrutiny, and you know, if you've
struggled with binge eating and body image, that you must
have got to a place where you felt, actually, I'm
(12:14):
past that, I'm ready, like I'm ready for love.
Speaker 2 (12:17):
I love myself now.
Speaker 1 (12:18):
And then like that, fuck, I can't imagine that. And
like when we saw you so emotional in those scenes afterwards,
and you know, some viewers will be like, well, he's
not into you, so.
Speaker 3 (12:32):
Like some people wrote too that I saw you know,
oh so she's just such a pain, like crying all
the time, like oh, no, wonder she's not wanted or no,
wonder this, no wonder that. Oh she's just so emotional.
And I was like, oh, I've only you knew.
Speaker 1 (12:50):
Because that split second rejection from him broke about what
decades of.
Speaker 2 (12:57):
Trauma rejection, Yeah, struggle.
Speaker 3 (13:01):
Yeah, I finally got myself to a place in life
where I really liked who I am, I really liked
how I was in the world. I liked the person
on the inside, and I was really proud of myself
and all the struggles that I've been through and pulled
myself out of on my own. I feel like I
really love who I am and then to have somebody
(13:25):
like not even have a tiny glimpse of that, and
not only that, but also turn it or try to
flip it to make me the bad person or make
me the person in the wrong, I was like, Oh,
what is actually happening? Like so, yeah, I was obviously
(13:49):
upset that this situation was playing out the way it was,
but I did bounce back pretty quickly outside of things,
and I did see what I needed to do for myself. Yeah,
so I took action. It was speaking action.
Speaker 1 (14:06):
Yeah, Like It's interesting for me because I think you
can think you're recovered from things and you've healed in
your past them, but then all it takes is one
slight thing. And when you recently said that to me
that I see my energy was off that because I
started seeing this person and then I held out until
I stayed over. I said, I don't want to rush
into that because I've made that mistake before. I and
(14:26):
sex for me is attached to like a lot of
trauma in the past and stuff. And then I was like,
with this person now away and he was happy to
do that and respectful, and then I finally stay over
and then he just ghosted me and like it is
what it is. You know, we only met four times,
but like for me, it was like, actually, this time,
(14:48):
I'm putting myself first and I'm being open and then
you know that slight thing then sends you spiraling.
Speaker 2 (14:55):
Back, doesn't that?
Speaker 3 (14:55):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (14:56):
Again, People even my friends like, oh you barely n him.
Get over it. I was like nah.
Speaker 1 (15:01):
And then he texted me like maybe two weeks after that,
being like, hey, what's up, what's new?
Speaker 3 (15:06):
Ill?
Speaker 1 (15:07):
Yeah, and then my friend's like, don't even reply. Then
I was like, well okay. But then I sat in
it for a few days and I actually sent him
a long reply like what's not You actually really hurt
me because I told you this, this and this and
then nothing and again it felt like you just discarded
me after what you had my body and had sex
with me, and then that's all I was. And then
(15:28):
even with my current partner, who I'm doing this stupid
experiment with, it's similar with him because he there was
one night near the start and he was wanting to
have sex more than I did, and like you know,
with a partner, you do have to compromise a bit.
Nothing's against your will, but you know it's it's a relationship.
And then I was like, I'm not really feeling it,
(15:50):
and I just seen how his body language changed and
then he didn't mean anything bad.
Speaker 2 (15:55):
But we've spoke about it a lot since. But then
it brought up.
Speaker 1 (16:00):
For me when there was a time I was I
was sexually solid several years ago and like sex on
me is a bigger thing now. And then after that incident,
I suppose similar to what you said and how you
will spiral and bingee and the comfort it was like
for me after that incident, I just slect with so
(16:20):
many people because it was like that person treated me
how I felt everybody sees me, or how I'd always felt.
And then when that person did that to me it
was about three years ago. Now, after that, I spiraled
like having more reckless sex and letting people just use
me for my body because I thought that's all I
(16:41):
was worth. And then it goes back to even when
I thought I was so healed from that, and then
my current partner now that split second thing from him,
which he's like lovely, He hadn't there was no bad
intent there but it it just makes you feel again, Oh,
is this all I am to everybody?
Speaker 3 (17:01):
Yeah? Oh yeah, it's yeah, yeah, I'm really sorry you
went through that.
Speaker 1 (17:09):
That's that's okay. You know, we've all been through things.
But I think maybe the thing here is for everyone
to just be kinder or more open minded because so
many people take things surface level. Again, you on the shower,
get over it. Stop crying like you but yeah, actually no,
when you know that the lifelong strugle to get to
(17:29):
that point, don't get over it.
Speaker 2 (17:31):
Yeah, actually be mud, be angry and cry. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (17:35):
Yeah, yeah, we don't have to go into it. But
is that something that happened three years ago to you
that's quite fresh? Like what happened to me was when
I was twenty years old. It was a while ago.
Now I'm thirty eight, and I still find things popping
(17:56):
up and triggering me and realizations about how I've internalized
that stuff. I did go through a similar thing too,
where I felt like all I was was somebody to
be used and thrown out, like my body was for them.
If they gave me attention, it meant validation, Like I
(18:19):
wasn't For that moment, I wasn't worthless.
Speaker 2 (18:23):
Yeah, yeah, exact.
Speaker 3 (18:27):
Yeah, and then but after what happened is that it
is okay to share. What happened is it's a big head.
Now I'm come, I'm fine. We're all friends after the world. Yeah,
I was three months away from turning twenty one and
(18:47):
I was saving up to open my second remedial massage clinic.
I'd open one already, it was going really well, but
I just wanted some extra coins speeded along. So I
was working at night set a bar and then I
was chatting to customers and he found out kind of
where I lived, and that's normal conversation or where you're like,
(19:10):
you know, just completely innocent. And then I was leaving
the shift and then I yea heard this person walk
up behind me. I turn around and he's like, oh,
my friends all got in a taxi. They all took off,
but they're going to a barney where you live. Can
I get a lift? And I was like, oh yeah, sure,
that's like no problem whatever whatever. And then on the
(19:35):
way there, he convinced me to you know, come out
with him, and I was like, okay, like sure, I'm
so antisocial, like unless I'm getting like an invite, I
don't think to go out. So I was like, yeah, okay, cool,
and he's like, oh, and we'll meet up with the
guys and stuff and it will be fun. I was
(19:57):
like okay, and I said, but I'm via beer all
over me from the bar work. I'm like, I'll just
go home and freshen up and then we'll go out.
He's like, okay, cool, do that. And then I so
I'll go home to my place and get ready, have
a shower, and he's just hanging out in the lounge
room whatever whatever we go out. He's really got no
(20:24):
kind of urgency or to find his friends. And I
was like, I was like, where are your mates? Were
your mates? And something really started to kind of like
go or you know that cold chill that you get
where like something's up, like something's weird and so on.
My kind of motivation to be out just started to go.
(20:48):
And I was like, I'm going to go home like
all the best. He's like, oh, let me, Oh, my
friends aren't Oh they're not here anymore. My friends aren't
here anymore. And it's like where he lived was like
an hour away. He's Oh, would you mind if I
crash on your couch? And I won't be a bother
blah blah blah. And I was like like, oh fine,
(21:10):
because like I drove there, but I'd been drinking, had
a few drinks at night, so I'm not driving anywhere.
I was like, yeah, so we've got taxi back to
my place. And it's like you set you up on
the couch, put a pillow down, blanket, You're all set.
And then I went got changed and it was like
(21:32):
night see you. Later came out to get a glass
of water and he was in the kitchen sculling a
bottle of wine that was unopened, like a full bottle
of wine, and my blood ran cold. And I was like,
oh my god, just just extract yourself and go. And
then yeah, he ended up coming into the room and
(21:56):
and yeah, yeah, anyway, I was like pinned down and paralyzed.
I never I always thought like I'm fight off anyone.
I'm a Viking woman, like I can escape. I can.
I'm not gonna be one of those people that just,
(22:18):
you know, give up. That's not me. I had no
control over my body. I was pinned down. I was
torn apart, and I didn't move at all. And it
wasn't until two weeks later that I had to go
(22:41):
to hospital with like a massive UTI just from the damage.
Otherwise I probably would have stayed there and rotted.
Speaker 2 (22:52):
So I.
Speaker 3 (22:54):
Yeah, I got to the hospital and I was hysterical,
and she's like, just a UTI, Like we can fix it.
There's medicine for it, will fix it, and not it hurts.
I was like, nah, I think I've been raped. And
then I lost it.
Speaker 2 (23:11):
It was the first time you kind of said it
out loud.
Speaker 3 (23:13):
Yeah, there's two weeks in that apartment with no food,
just water and on my bed, just confused. I wasn't
even crying. I wasn't I was like like numb. And
then I got to the hospital and when I got
(23:36):
there started having like a massive panic attack because I
was like, yeah, they're gonna I don't know, need to
know how it happened or something. And then so when
I verbalized it, and then I lost it. And then
since then I felt like my body was a thing
(24:00):
for people to be entertained with or to use and
throw out, like it doesn't mean anything to them, and
I didn't honor my body at all. And then eventually,
you know, there was a turning point where one bad
(24:20):
behavior traumatized behavior turned into another. And then that's when
I started like going, I don't I don't want to
be that person anymore, but I don't know how to
deal with anything that's going on in my mind. So
(24:41):
if they think I'm ugly, and if they think I'm
gross and undesirable, then not leave me alone and I
won't have to give myself to them anymore. So I
just started eating and that became my thing, and then
I got to probably asside from like an eight ten
to twelve. I met my partner and then it was
(25:06):
good for a couple of years, and then he ended
up ultimately put on a bit of extra weight. And
I think also because I was like, how far can
I push this? How far can I make myself undesirable
and you will still love me? And it got to
that point where he didn't want to be with me
(25:28):
anymore because of the way I looked, And it just
reaffirmed the thing that I thought is that I'll make
myself safe. I'll make myself undesirable and I'll be safer.
Speaker 1 (25:45):
It's like that self sabotage because even afterwards, when maybe
you fought, you recovered, but he did down, you still feel.
Speaker 2 (25:55):
Like worthless of how you.
Speaker 1 (25:57):
Felt with that incident, and then yeah, I'm guilty of
that after what happened to me, Like someone good comes along,
something good, and I go out my way like often
not knowing in the moment to sabotage it because I
still feel I'm not worthy of that person. And you said,
like when that incident happened, you fought. If that ever
(26:17):
happened to you, you're a fighter, but like no one
knows unless you're in that situation. You know, I just
paralyzed with fear and shock, and often it feels safer
because like if you do try to fight or push,
And this was kind of I spent a long time
(26:37):
thinking about this after what happened to me, thinking why
did I not like I articulated, no, I pushed, but
then when they continued and then again it was like
I just gave up. And then I spent so long
thinking why did I do that? And it was like
because it was like defeat, Like Okay, I've always felt
this way, this person is now validated. Yep, this is
(27:00):
how the world sees you. And from this point on,
like this is that everyone's sees your.
Speaker 3 (27:04):
Yeah, and yeah, like oh, yeah.
Speaker 1 (27:09):
I hope you don't feel like when you look back,
you still think you could have the more you could have.
Speaker 3 (27:15):
I did think that for a really long time. Trauma
is not a linear healing like it. It is just
stamped in your subconscious. So when something happens in your life,
or if you have an argument or a breakup or
a rejection on National TV, like it, it shocks you.
(27:37):
It's not like, oh, that was so long ago, get
over it. Oh you you've said you've healed, and now
you're getting triggered, like have you actually healed? And but
it's just like time collapses and it doesn't matter how
long ago it was. It's like fresh, like it was
(27:57):
like all those wounds are just you'll go right back.
So yeah, for me, like the time frame between pulling
myself back out of that mindset is getting like shorter
and shorter, because sometimes I'd stay in it for months.
Like if I got rejected by a guy again or
(28:19):
he ghosted again, or and I went on a bad
date and he looked me up and down and was
swiping on Tinder, I was like, oh, that would take
me months to recover from, like and I would be like,
oh no, I'm not doing it, not doing but yeah,
it just it doesn't matter time for trauma. Time is irrelevant.
Speaker 2 (28:40):
Yeah, it's life log.
Speaker 3 (28:42):
Yeah, and only in the last couple of years actually,
like I poured myself into work and setting up a
business and gave everything to it because I'm like, I'm
not going to fail at everything in life. I'm gonna
have my good thing yep, to be proud of, you know.
Speaker 2 (29:06):
And then.
Speaker 3 (29:09):
COVID came along and I lost everything there too, and
that's when I really started putting on a weight, a
lot of weight. I was like, fuck, like I can't
even I can't even do that, like and I know,
and I did go to self blame there too, and
my mom like she was like Katie, come on, girl,
(29:31):
like it's a global pandemic. It's not your fault. And
when I was liquidating the business, I was on the
floor crying so much because I was like, oh, I
gave everything to try and create something good in my
life and like, not even that's working, Like I'm actually
(29:53):
like a massive fucking failure and there was no evidence
in my life of being successful. So I was Yeah,
it was really really difficult. It was really difficult to
then get myself out of that mentally and go, you
(30:18):
know what I am. I am enough. I don't need accolades.
I don't need a good body to be worthy. I
don't need a ten out of ten face to be
of value in the world. I don't need anything like
I'm allowed to exist as I am with nothing and
that's enough. So but I still binge eat like that
(30:42):
would come up, and then i'd eat at night, I'd
send myself off to sleep in a food coma. I
would get stressed and I would turn to something sweet
or something just that was my way of comforting myself.
Speaker 1 (30:56):
Anyone who's been through anything like you do, get stress
s doublewhelming in those moments. It's so easy to revert
back to your old ways. But then I suppose there's
more time passes how long you stay there get short
and s like I still do that, Like I still.
Speaker 2 (31:14):
If like after that guy a while ago, go see me.
Speaker 1 (31:17):
Then I start hooking up with random people again, and
then my house wents like, Josh, what are you doing?
You're just doing this because you said, I'm like, oh yeah,
And then I'll talk to him and he'll be like,
you know, remind me everything I've been through and he
even said, don't do this experiment with this random man.
And the other day when I was upset, he was like,
well I told you, but like, you know, yeah, it
(31:39):
goes back to that it's good to be open and
have that support network, and it seems like what you've
been through obviously that's so horrible back then, and it
it doesn't make sense your reactions on the show, but
you know, with that wider context, it well, it does,
(32:00):
I suppose explain more because it's not just this mine
you've known for five minutes, doesn't like yeah, yeah, it's
actually like everything you've been for you to even get
to that point. Yeah, especially in relation to body image
and relationships. And then those two things went to that
extreme in one day and then the country's watching and commentating,
and but I'm glad that was.
Speaker 2 (32:22):
The catalyst who really break that cycle. As an add yeah,
and then seeing the doctor yeah.
Speaker 1 (32:29):
And then you're like in a healthier lifestyle.
Speaker 3 (32:33):
Oh yeah, And I think, like, you know, that was
that was the point for me where I was like, no, like,
I'm not waiting anymore for somebody to fill up that
part of my life or to.
Speaker 1 (32:53):
See me when you did stop filming, and obviously that
rejection was so raw, and then you go home and
it's just you again, Like how a baud did it get?
Speaker 2 (33:03):
Then? Were you binge eating again? Did you shut people out?
Speaker 3 (33:06):
Yeah? I was really antisocial. I jumped straight back into work.
I binge eat to get myself to sleep. I was
sad and I was angry, and I was frustrated, and yeah,
I yeah, I didn't know what the edit was going
(33:31):
to be. So I still was telling myself like, you know,
I'm strong in this and that I'm all good, like
nothing to prove to anyone. Fuck getting married and that sucks.
I'm just gonna be alone forever. But yeah, I slipped
right back into old patterns and leading up to the
(33:52):
wedding itself, I you know, I had so much to do.
I was handing over my job, I was going dress
shop and that and whatever, and yeah, it was then
that happened, and then I like came back so quickly,
and I just I just picked up the momentum and
threw myself into work and just got as distracted as possible.
(34:15):
Wasn't until I saw it play out where I was like, whoa,
I've still got some work to do, and I Am
not gonna jump up on the soapbox and preach about
self love unless I'm actually feeling self love in all
areas of my life, not just pick and choose. And
(34:36):
that's why, like I went and got a body scan
to just see like where I was at, because you know,
looks can be deceiving. Some people can be really healthy
but just hold their shape in different areas, and like
different dress sizes can be still healthy on the inside.
So I'm like, I'm just just gonna go have a
peek at what's going on. And fah, I was shook
(35:03):
with the scores, especially around like visceral fat, the fat
around my organs, and I was like, yeah, I just
I have like weight loss doctor, so I've been doing
it all properly. And basically I was like, I'm one
way street to an early grave and death is a
(35:28):
very early death was with that lifestyle was a really
really high possibility and I was like, no way. And
so this is like the last frontier for me is
going on this health journey and utilizing any form of
science that will help me get there quickly. Because like
I said, that visceral fat score like that's it was.
(35:49):
It is was I haven't got another test yet. It
was really dangerous to be that way, and I don't
want to go anywhere. I don't want to be like
one of those you know, mid early forties that is
dying from a bloody heart attack and something that's preventable,
like I've got two year old kvoodles to look after.
Speaker 2 (36:12):
Going anywhere.
Speaker 3 (36:13):
I can't be going anywhere.
Speaker 1 (36:14):
And then you've been because you know, people have been
commons in and asking about your weight loss, which is
like ongoing. Yeah yeah, and then is it one of
those injections.
Speaker 3 (36:26):
Yeah, yeah, so I've been doing I went to a
weight loss doctor and I was like, this is everything
I've been doing, and she knew, like the patterns that
I've established were like binge eating and like overeating and whatnot.
So she's bloody great and she's like, let's try this, Monjaro,
(36:47):
because that'll get a handle over this pattern. You won't
feel like your appetite will be suppressed, and you won't
that won't be your go to anymore. So that took
a lot of the pressure off and a lot of
the overeating just away, which was so cool, Like I
(37:07):
am pro science, I might get like, I know.
Speaker 2 (37:10):
Some people say, oh, that's a lazy way, but actually, yeah,
if you've.
Speaker 1 (37:13):
Tried and stry wood and there's this thing being prescribed
to here by your doctor, right, why would.
Speaker 2 (37:18):
You say no?
Speaker 3 (37:18):
Right exactly? And I think like a lot of people
are really quick and easy, like it's easy for them
to judge it, and I get it. But until you're
walking in the person who's been struggling with weight for
such a long time and is just then ready to
like get rid of it and get to your goal
more quickly and like have that physical you know, image
(37:43):
that you've got striving towards for it to be there,
because you just want to shed the stuff you've been
carrying around for so long. You don't want it to
take years. Like I was like, yeah, until you're walking
in my shoes with the patterns and behaviors and context
and everything that I've had to go through, Like, don't
(38:04):
judge because it's so easy for you know, wellness folk
and people who in the industry who are doing it
for like ten years and they're genetically blessed and they've
never had any trauma and they're you know, just like, oh,
what you need to do is you know, eat healthy,
sleep well, and move And I'm like, yeah, there's I
(38:25):
know what else is easy this on? But yeah, so
it's just yeah that it really is. It worked for me,
but I felt really like, you know, it's calorie deficit.
When you're not getting your calories in your lethargic, you
feel kind of crappy. Like so I was wasting away
(38:47):
losing weight, but weight also includes I've now learned muscle,
And I was like no, like, I don't want to
just shrible. I want to be like my best self
and do all the right things and do this in
the right way and not just waste everything. I want
(39:08):
to get rid of the fat, be healthy and remain strong.
Because I'm built like a Viking. I'm never going to
be petite. I don't want to be petite. I want
to be a powerhouse. I want to last forever. I
want to be able to take all my groceries in
with both hands in one trip when I'm eighty years old.
Speaker 2 (39:26):
Like, I think that's because.
Speaker 1 (39:28):
You said that you lose muscle with these like yeah,
but then I suppose the thing because when people say, oh,
people that take that are lazy, but you you have
to find that balance of actually you still you can't
just take that injection and then that's it. You still
need to maintain a healthy life stay.
Speaker 3 (39:44):
Yeah, right, and yeah, the doctor did say to me like,
oh now, this this has the habit or the symptom
of you know, chewing up your muscles because that's how
your body gets energy and and when you're not giving
it calories, it's going to pull away from your muscles first.
And I was like, oh, okay, So she's like, make
(40:07):
sure you have plenty of protein. It's like, don't know
what that means, like potato chips. I was like, what
does that even mean? And it was just like you
get all this info and you're trying to figure it out.
And yeah, I was fortunate enough to have a brand
kind of reach out and offer me one of like
(40:29):
a world first product to experiment with. We all know,
like an experiment.
Speaker 1 (40:33):
Yeah. Like I always said, I've sat in this podcast,
I think every week when it comes to the Castmum's
post show, I say, take anything that it's offered if
it aligns with you, because you know, this opportunity is
not there forever.
Speaker 2 (40:46):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (40:46):
Well, I felt like, you know, the the universe or
whatever was just like quickly coming together. It was really
fucking cool because I'm like, as soon as I switched
my brain into like health is what I need to
take care of, Like the pet came out, I'm doing
(41:07):
like sessions with him three times a week. I'm doing
like group classes. They came out of the woodwork too.
And I've got like this protein powder thing that I'm
doing every morning which makes all the symptoms of jarro
just disappear.
Speaker 2 (41:22):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (41:22):
No, it's glow up one so and it's been awesome
and I feel like amazing so and it's a combination
of all the things. And I'm no, and I'm so
excited to like see my scans again to see like,
you know, I've still got like my strength, if not more.
I feel great, and my visceral fat, like the dangerous
(41:45):
stuff is going or in a healthy range, because it
was like not in a healthy range. So it's gonna
be really curious to see. But I can see differences,
and I can feel differences, and I can feel like, yeah,
this like excitement again for life.
Speaker 1 (42:06):
I bet you never fought back to your wedding day
with that rejection and when everything was so raw, that
eight nine months later you'd be here on this journey
I know, able to speak about all this trauma, Yeah,
which will help of us. And then even just like
an ambassador of like a protein company.
Speaker 3 (42:25):
Yeah, how funny is that? I was just like great,
the mean twelve months ago, sitting on the couch smashing
a bag of potato chips, crying into a pillow is
like now.
Speaker 2 (42:40):
Forever?
Speaker 3 (42:42):
Yeah, yeah, I mean I have a lot of love
for my past selves and every version of it, because
you know it, it's you've got to have compassion for
the things that you've been through in the past. You
just if you hate on yourself back then, or you
judge yourself or you shape, it still shows a lot
of like shame and yep not you don't give yourself
(43:02):
enough love you understanding. And I guess writing your book
too write like that would have been like a really
because correct me if I'm wrong, But like what was that? Like?
Speaker 1 (43:12):
Like I was writing it there by days a diary.
So it's just my way of like processing my thoughts.
And this was mostly at a time when I wasn't
speaking about these things. Your family are friends, so like
while you're struggling, that was my only way of getting
out of my head, and yeah, that was beneficial. And
then I wrote most of that thinking no one would
(43:32):
ever read it, and then.
Speaker 3 (43:35):
The bestseller like on amazonas like A day a day county.
Speaker 1 (43:40):
Serious but like, yeah, it was crazy. It's kind of
similar to what you're doing now, Like it's too. I
feel great when you can take what you've been through
and those darkest times like if you know, well, actually,
if now that can help someone and maybe it was
not worth it, but at least it's a positive that's
come out of it.
Speaker 3 (43:59):
Yeah, definitely, I'm going to read your book now because
I didn't, like I haven't and I will because I'm
just like I didn't realize it was a healing journey book.
Speaker 1 (44:10):
That's the confusing people figure it's me just talking about
schragging people.
Speaker 3 (44:16):
Yeah, no, I'm yeah, apologies. I will read it now
because I think, Yeah, like you said before, we have
like a bit in common. And obviously our traumas have
expressed in different ways, and mine probably shifted from you know,
a validation through physical affection to punishing myself through all
(44:38):
those things. But yeah, so yeah, it's we're getting there.
Speaker 2 (44:44):
Well, I look forward to checking it with you in
a few months.
Speaker 3 (44:47):
Yeah. Likewise, are you good though, like I'm good, committed
in marriage now.
Speaker 2 (44:53):
Yeah, we'll see see him after this.
Speaker 3 (44:59):
Thank you, Katie, thank you so much. Pleasure brother from
another mother.
Hello, and welcome back to The Maths Funny Podcast with
Me Joshua Fox and trigger warning. Some of you may
find this episode uncomfortable to listen to as it covers
topics such as mental health, eating disorders, sexual assault and rape.
And as heavy as this episode does get, I think
it is a very important conversation to have and to
(00:20):
share on here. So last night, some of you may
have watched Katie on a Current Affair where she was
talking about her journey since married at First Sight and
how she's been focusing on her health, learning to love
herself and overcoming some very heartbreaking things from her past
which she's never spoken about publicly until now. And that's
because she's no longer ashamed of this, and she's realized
(00:43):
that sharing this publicly won't just help her rid any
last bit of shame that she's held on to for
so long now, but it will also help other victims
who have been through similar things feel less alone and
ashamed of what happened to them. Since this season and
started airing, I have got to know Katie privately and
have been aware of this personal journey she has been on,
(01:06):
and I also became aware of how that instant rejection
from Tim.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
On her wedding day that we all.
Speaker 1 (01:11):
Watched brought back so much trauma that none of us
had any idea about, and none of us would have
any idea about because she's.
Speaker 2 (01:19):
Never shared this.
Speaker 1 (01:21):
And I remember as Katie's storyline played out, as much
as we all felt sorry for her and wanted her
to just find her dream man and have a happily
ever after, there were also so many people saying things like, oh,
stop crying, get over it. You've only known him a day,
you know he's type who cares. Then this conversation will
give you all so much context as to why Katie
(01:41):
did become so emotional on the show, and this chat
will hopefully act as a reminder that we never really
know what someone has been through or are going through,
so we should always maybe try just be a bit
more kinder and sympathetic, which I know is easier said
than done, especially and watching and judging reality television. And
(02:03):
for anyone who has read my book or seen a
recent video I did on my personal Instagram last week,
you will know that what happened to Katie, which she
shares in this episode, is something that once happened to
me too, and that's kind of why we wanted to
have this chat together. And just like Katie, after my incident,
(02:25):
I did blame myself. I was mad how I could
let someone do something like that to me, and then
I then spiraled. I developed bad habits, I self sabotaged
good things in my life. I pushed people away and
it's been a journey for me to overcome that. And
as much as I have and I acknowledge what happened
(02:47):
and the bad things that happened afterwards, I haven't fully
overcome it because like tiny things can trigger the darkest moments,
like often unbeknown to the person who may have brought
everything back to the surface, which again, if anyone is
following the little series I'm doing with my current partner Stephanel,
(03:07):
that's kind of what happened between us, and I was
pushing him away because he said something which brought back
all these things and then we spoke about that in
a clip, which was scary for me to put.
Speaker 2 (03:17):
That out there.
Speaker 1 (03:17):
But similar to Katie, I'm not ashamed and maybe if
more people had these conversations, people who have been for
it would feel less I don't know, blaming themselves I
don't know.
Speaker 2 (03:29):
Sorry I'm rambling now.
Speaker 1 (03:31):
Before I played the chat out with Katie again, I
just want to say trigger warning. This does cover some
quite heavy and dark topics, so only listen if you
think you're able to. Hello Katie, Hi Josh, Welcome back
to the Maths for new podcast.
Speaker 3 (03:47):
Thank you. Good to be here. As always.
Speaker 1 (03:49):
You are, in my six years covering the show, the
first Maths person to come into my house.
Speaker 2 (03:55):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (03:56):
I feel very very honored. We're going to have a
safe chat, safe space, you know, peace and love.
Speaker 1 (04:02):
Yeah, and that's why I wanted to do this here,
not the studio, because I know we're going to talk
about maybe some personal things, and yeah, it feels like.
Speaker 2 (04:10):
A nice space.
Speaker 3 (04:12):
Yeah, thank you. I appreciate it. It's so caring.
Speaker 2 (04:17):
How have you been.
Speaker 1 (04:18):
I've not seen you in a month now since the reunion.
Speaker 3 (04:21):
Yeah, since yeah, the Daily Telegraph reunion, I.
Speaker 2 (04:28):
Daily Mail.
Speaker 3 (04:33):
Yeah, I've been. Well, I've been, you know, getting back
into the swing of things as you do. But alongside
like all these realizations that I'm left with about myself
that I've not been confronted with before. So just navigating
that and trying to be gentle with myself and yeah,
get get back into the momentum of normal life for
(04:56):
the new normal, which.
Speaker 2 (04:57):
Is all easier said than done, very much, so.
Speaker 3 (05:00):
Much easier said than done. So yeah, it's been it's
been good.
Speaker 1 (05:05):
I don't know, I feel like I have a better
connection with you than the rest of the cast this year.
And I think it came down to remember a few
weeks when you sent me that voice message for after
the reunion and you were like, yeah, I saw there
was something off of you.
Speaker 2 (05:17):
Yeah, bad energy.
Speaker 1 (05:18):
And then you did the saging burning thing. And then
my mom was confused because I know she thought I
was like, but I just thought that was so lovely.
And then for me, we all kind of fell in
love with you from the start. You're just a great personality,
great energy, and like we just wanted you to fine happiness.
Speaker 2 (05:38):
I mean, remember I did the billboard.
Speaker 3 (05:40):
Yes, oh my god, that was Honestly, that was the
best thing I've ever seen in my life out of
everything I've seen. I was like, oh my gosh, that
was gold.
Speaker 1 (05:54):
That's how passionate. I was like, the show, did you dirty?
Speaker 2 (05:58):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (05:59):
And then you know, at the time we all got
caught up with him just how we rejected you, and
that was cruel. And then I suppose the way we
as the fans, were like, well, bring it back, mixture
and do her a better match. But I suppose what
we didn't know is that there was like a lot
more attached to this storyline that nobody really knows.
Speaker 3 (06:19):
For you personally, right, yeah, I think that's yeah, definitely,
the case with me and others is that you know,
you're on your own math's journey and there's so many
layers to a storyline that you just don't get, and
especially mine, I was, you know, really triggered, and the
rejection was just another kind of heavy thing to carry,
(06:44):
and it really it brought me to a turning point.
And I could implode even further and internalize that even more,
and or I could like use it as a catalyst
to go in a very different direction. And I was ready.
(07:05):
I was done. That was the last time I'm ever
gonna let anyone make me feel bad about myself.
Speaker 2 (07:12):
That's great.
Speaker 1 (07:13):
Yeah, And then it was I supposed the storyline was the
rejection was he just looked at you your appearance.
Speaker 3 (07:22):
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:23):
And then I suppose what we're going to talk about
today is kind of how layered that is and how
much trauma is attached to that. People don't know. And
it's easy to on these shows. You know, he took
you up just appearance and went no, and then people
could be dismissive to you, be like, oh, we'll get
(07:43):
over it. He didn't like you, but someone else will.
But actually you can't just do that. You can't just
shrug things off.
Speaker 2 (07:49):
And yeah, I suppose your struggle with.
Speaker 1 (07:53):
Body image and your way and kind of insecurities around
that that's been with you for a long time now.
Speaker 3 (07:59):
Yeah, absolutely, And I feel like the more traumatic things
I go through that went through because I'm not doing
it anymore. The more trauma I kind of have in
my life, the more I comfort eat, or the more
I blame myself, or the more I carry that burden
(08:20):
and don't know how to deal with that pain and anxiety.
So the only thing that and a pattern and a
habit that I have, probably from childhood, is that I
would turn to comfort food or turn to binge eating,
because when I binge eat, binge ate, I would then
get sleepy, so like relax me and then you know,
(08:43):
food comba myself and you know, so I just had
some really bad habits going on, but it was for survival.
It was just to get through the day and get through,
you know, what was going on. And it's just like
that's my way that I dealt with trauma and bad
things happening on a day to day or whatever scenario situations.
(09:08):
So I feel like when I saw myself on MATHS,
and when I saw that the person that was supposed
to love me for me and learn to get to
know me and who I am on the inside was
just so dismissive based off five seconds of seeing me.
(09:33):
It was really really difficult because I brought up so
much rejection and so much kind of getting you thrown
out or treated like a piece of meat and like
something to be you know, discarded like ill to And
I'm so much more than my physical body, and I
(09:56):
have so much love to give and so much you know,
beauty to bring into somebody's life emotionally, like I feel
like I'm real wifey material, you know, and to be
so quickly tossed aside really carried with it so much,
(10:17):
so many triggers, because you know, in this just in
this world alone, it's just shallow and gross, and but
for me. I have a pretty dark past with relationship
with regards to male interactions, where I have been reduced
(10:39):
to what I am physically, and I have been reduced
to being a piece of meat to have their way
with and then throw away like I didn't matter. And
I felt that again. I felt everything just get ripped
open again. But it was in front of so many people,
(11:00):
and it was Yeah, it was really really tricky, and
I like tried to hold myself together and I tried
to you know, just be in my own headspace and
self self soothe as much as I could. And yeah,
(11:21):
I got out of there, and I and then I
watched it back in particular, and I saw myself as
somebody who hadn't yet healed, and I could see the
physical repercussions of my lifestyle, and I was like, no,
I'm not gonna let that keep happening to me. Nobody
gets that power anymore. So, yeah, it's been a big turnaround,
(11:46):
but it's a lot of yeah triggers, and you know,
we all hold our trauma in different ways.
Speaker 1 (11:53):
Right, Yeah, And then as you say, you know, within
seconds he did just it was physical and like I
can't even imagine, like how much it took you to
even get there on your wedding day and agree to that,
knowing the level of scrutiny, and you know, if you've
struggled with binge eating and body image, that you must
have got to a place where you felt, actually, I'm
(12:14):
past that, I'm ready, like I'm ready for love.
Speaker 2 (12:17):
I love myself now.
Speaker 1 (12:18):
And then like that, fuck, I can't imagine that. And
like when we saw you so emotional in those scenes afterwards,
and you know, some viewers will be like, well, he's
not into you, so.
Speaker 3 (12:32):
Like some people wrote too that I saw you know,
oh so she's just such a pain, like crying all
the time, like oh, no, wonder she's not wanted or no,
wonder this, no wonder that. Oh she's just so emotional.
And I was like, oh, I've only you knew.
Speaker 1 (12:50):
Because that split second rejection from him broke about what
decades of.
Speaker 2 (12:57):
Trauma rejection, Yeah, struggle.
Speaker 3 (13:01):
Yeah, I finally got myself to a place in life
where I really liked who I am, I really liked
how I was in the world. I liked the person
on the inside, and I was really proud of myself
and all the struggles that I've been through and pulled
myself out of on my own. I feel like I
really love who I am and then to have somebody
(13:25):
like not even have a tiny glimpse of that, and
not only that, but also turn it or try to
flip it to make me the bad person or make
me the person in the wrong, I was like, Oh,
what is actually happening? Like so, yeah, I was obviously
(13:49):
upset that this situation was playing out the way it was,
but I did bounce back pretty quickly outside of things,
and I did see what I needed to do for myself. Yeah,
so I took action. It was speaking action.
Speaker 1 (14:06):
Yeah, Like It's interesting for me because I think you
can think you're recovered from things and you've healed in
your past them, but then all it takes is one
slight thing. And when you recently said that to me
that I see my energy was off that because I
started seeing this person and then I held out until
I stayed over. I said, I don't want to rush
into that because I've made that mistake before. I and
(14:26):
sex for me is attached to like a lot of
trauma in the past and stuff. And then I was like,
with this person now away and he was happy to
do that and respectful, and then I finally stay over
and then he just ghosted me and like it is
what it is. You know, we only met four times,
but like for me, it was like, actually, this time,
(14:48):
I'm putting myself first and I'm being open and then
you know that slight thing then sends you spiraling.
Speaker 2 (14:55):
Back, doesn't that?
Speaker 3 (14:55):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (14:56):
Again, People even my friends like, oh you barely n him.
Get over it. I was like nah.
Speaker 1 (15:01):
And then he texted me like maybe two weeks after that,
being like, hey, what's up, what's new?
Speaker 3 (15:06):
Ill?
Speaker 1 (15:07):
Yeah, and then my friend's like, don't even reply. Then
I was like, well okay. But then I sat in
it for a few days and I actually sent him
a long reply like what's not You actually really hurt
me because I told you this, this and this and
then nothing and again it felt like you just discarded
me after what you had my body and had sex
with me, and then that's all I was. And then
(15:28):
even with my current partner, who I'm doing this stupid
experiment with, it's similar with him because he there was
one night near the start and he was wanting to
have sex more than I did, and like you know,
with a partner, you do have to compromise a bit.
Nothing's against your will, but you know it's it's a relationship.
And then I was like, I'm not really feeling it,
(15:50):
and I just seen how his body language changed and
then he didn't mean anything bad.
Speaker 2 (15:55):
But we've spoke about it a lot since. But then
it brought up.
Speaker 1 (16:00):
For me when there was a time I was I
was sexually solid several years ago and like sex on
me is a bigger thing now. And then after that incident,
I suppose similar to what you said and how you
will spiral and bingee and the comfort it was like
for me after that incident, I just slect with so
(16:20):
many people because it was like that person treated me
how I felt everybody sees me, or how I'd always felt.
And then when that person did that to me it
was about three years ago. Now, after that, I spiraled
like having more reckless sex and letting people just use
me for my body because I thought that's all I
(16:41):
was worth. And then it goes back to even when
I thought I was so healed from that, and then
my current partner now that split second thing from him,
which he's like lovely, He hadn't there was no bad
intent there but it it just makes you feel again, Oh,
is this all I am to everybody?
Speaker 3 (17:01):
Yeah? Oh yeah, it's yeah, yeah, I'm really sorry you
went through that.
Speaker 1 (17:09):
That's that's okay. You know, we've all been through things.
But I think maybe the thing here is for everyone
to just be kinder or more open minded because so
many people take things surface level. Again, you on the shower,
get over it. Stop crying like you but yeah, actually no,
when you know that the lifelong strugle to get to
(17:29):
that point, don't get over it.
Speaker 2 (17:31):
Yeah, actually be mud, be angry and cry. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (17:35):
Yeah, yeah, we don't have to go into it. But
is that something that happened three years ago to you
that's quite fresh? Like what happened to me was when
I was twenty years old. It was a while ago.
Now I'm thirty eight, and I still find things popping
(17:56):
up and triggering me and realizations about how I've internalized
that stuff. I did go through a similar thing too,
where I felt like all I was was somebody to
be used and thrown out, like my body was for them.
If they gave me attention, it meant validation, Like I
(18:19):
wasn't For that moment, I wasn't worthless.
Speaker 2 (18:23):
Yeah, yeah, exact.
Speaker 3 (18:27):
Yeah, and then but after what happened is that it
is okay to share. What happened is it's a big head.
Now I'm come, I'm fine. We're all friends after the world. Yeah,
I was three months away from turning twenty one and
(18:47):
I was saving up to open my second remedial massage clinic.
I'd open one already, it was going really well, but
I just wanted some extra coins speeded along. So I
was working at night set a bar and then I
was chatting to customers and he found out kind of
where I lived, and that's normal conversation or where you're like,
(19:10):
you know, just completely innocent. And then I was leaving
the shift and then I yea heard this person walk
up behind me. I turn around and he's like, oh,
my friends all got in a taxi. They all took off,
but they're going to a barney where you live. Can
I get a lift? And I was like, oh yeah, sure,
that's like no problem whatever whatever. And then on the
(19:35):
way there, he convinced me to you know, come out
with him, and I was like, okay, like sure, I'm
so antisocial, like unless I'm getting like an invite, I
don't think to go out. So I was like, yeah, okay, cool,
and he's like, oh, and we'll meet up with the
guys and stuff and it will be fun. I was
(19:57):
like okay, and I said, but I'm via beer all
over me from the bar work. I'm like, I'll just
go home and freshen up and then we'll go out.
He's like, okay, cool, do that. And then I so
I'll go home to my place and get ready, have
a shower, and he's just hanging out in the lounge
room whatever whatever we go out. He's really got no
(20:24):
kind of urgency or to find his friends. And I
was like, I was like, where are your mates? Were
your mates? And something really started to kind of like
go or you know that cold chill that you get
where like something's up, like something's weird and so on.
My kind of motivation to be out just started to go.
(20:48):
And I was like, I'm going to go home like
all the best. He's like, oh, let me, Oh, my
friends aren't Oh they're not here anymore. My friends aren't
here anymore. And it's like where he lived was like
an hour away. He's Oh, would you mind if I
crash on your couch? And I won't be a bother
blah blah blah. And I was like like, oh fine,
(21:10):
because like I drove there, but I'd been drinking, had
a few drinks at night, so I'm not driving anywhere.
I was like, yeah, so we've got taxi back to
my place. And it's like you set you up on
the couch, put a pillow down, blanket, You're all set.
And then I went got changed and it was like
(21:32):
night see you. Later came out to get a glass
of water and he was in the kitchen sculling a
bottle of wine that was unopened, like a full bottle
of wine, and my blood ran cold. And I was like,
oh my god, just just extract yourself and go. And
then yeah, he ended up coming into the room and
(21:56):
and yeah, yeah, anyway, I was like pinned down and paralyzed.
I never I always thought like I'm fight off anyone.
I'm a Viking woman, like I can escape. I can.
I'm not gonna be one of those people that just,
(22:18):
you know, give up. That's not me. I had no
control over my body. I was pinned down. I was
torn apart, and I didn't move at all. And it
wasn't until two weeks later that I had to go
(22:41):
to hospital with like a massive UTI just from the damage.
Otherwise I probably would have stayed there and rotted.
Speaker 2 (22:52):
So I.
Speaker 3 (22:54):
Yeah, I got to the hospital and I was hysterical,
and she's like, just a UTI, Like we can fix it.
There's medicine for it, will fix it, and not it hurts.
I was like, nah, I think I've been raped. And
then I lost it.
Speaker 2 (23:11):
It was the first time you kind of said it
out loud.
Speaker 3 (23:13):
Yeah, there's two weeks in that apartment with no food,
just water and on my bed, just confused. I wasn't
even crying. I wasn't I was like like numb. And
then I got to the hospital and when I got
(23:36):
there started having like a massive panic attack because I
was like, yeah, they're gonna I don't know, need to
know how it happened or something. And then so when
I verbalized it, and then I lost it. And then
since then I felt like my body was a thing
(24:00):
for people to be entertained with or to use and
throw out, like it doesn't mean anything to them, and
I didn't honor my body at all. And then eventually,
you know, there was a turning point where one bad
(24:20):
behavior traumatized behavior turned into another. And then that's when
I started like going, I don't I don't want to
be that person anymore, but I don't know how to
deal with anything that's going on in my mind. So
(24:41):
if they think I'm ugly, and if they think I'm
gross and undesirable, then not leave me alone and I
won't have to give myself to them anymore. So I
just started eating and that became my thing, and then
I got to probably asside from like an eight ten
to twelve. I met my partner and then it was
(25:06):
good for a couple of years, and then he ended
up ultimately put on a bit of extra weight. And
I think also because I was like, how far can
I push this? How far can I make myself undesirable
and you will still love me? And it got to
that point where he didn't want to be with me
(25:28):
anymore because of the way I looked, And it just
reaffirmed the thing that I thought is that I'll make
myself safe. I'll make myself undesirable and I'll be safer.
Speaker 1 (25:45):
It's like that self sabotage because even afterwards, when maybe
you fought, you recovered, but he did down, you still feel.
Speaker 2 (25:55):
Like worthless of how you.
Speaker 1 (25:57):
Felt with that incident, and then yeah, I'm guilty of
that after what happened to me, Like someone good comes along,
something good, and I go out my way like often
not knowing in the moment to sabotage it because I
still feel I'm not worthy of that person. And you said,
like when that incident happened, you fought. If that ever
(26:17):
happened to you, you're a fighter, but like no one
knows unless you're in that situation. You know, I just
paralyzed with fear and shock, and often it feels safer
because like if you do try to fight or push,
And this was kind of I spent a long time
(26:37):
thinking about this after what happened to me, thinking why
did I not like I articulated, no, I pushed, but
then when they continued and then again it was like
I just gave up. And then I spent so long
thinking why did I do that? And it was like
because it was like defeat, Like Okay, I've always felt
this way, this person is now validated. Yep, this is
(27:00):
how the world sees you. And from this point on,
like this is that everyone's sees your.
Speaker 3 (27:04):
Yeah, and yeah, like oh, yeah.
Speaker 1 (27:09):
I hope you don't feel like when you look back,
you still think you could have the more you could have.
Speaker 3 (27:15):
I did think that for a really long time. Trauma
is not a linear healing like it. It is just
stamped in your subconscious. So when something happens in your life,
or if you have an argument or a breakup or
a rejection on National TV, like it, it shocks you.
(27:37):
It's not like, oh, that was so long ago, get
over it. Oh you you've said you've healed, and now
you're getting triggered, like have you actually healed? And but
it's just like time collapses and it doesn't matter how
long ago it was. It's like fresh, like it was
(27:57):
like all those wounds are just you'll go right back.
So yeah, for me, like the time frame between pulling
myself back out of that mindset is getting like shorter
and shorter, because sometimes I'd stay in it for months.
Like if I got rejected by a guy again or
(28:19):
he ghosted again, or and I went on a bad
date and he looked me up and down and was
swiping on Tinder, I was like, oh, that would take
me months to recover from, like and I would be like,
oh no, I'm not doing it, not doing but yeah,
it just it doesn't matter time for trauma. Time is irrelevant.
Speaker 2 (28:40):
Yeah, it's life log.
Speaker 3 (28:42):
Yeah, and only in the last couple of years actually,
like I poured myself into work and setting up a
business and gave everything to it because I'm like, I'm
not going to fail at everything in life. I'm gonna
have my good thing yep, to be proud of, you know.
Speaker 2 (29:06):
And then.
Speaker 3 (29:09):
COVID came along and I lost everything there too, and
that's when I really started putting on a weight, a
lot of weight. I was like, fuck, like I can't
even I can't even do that, like and I know,
and I did go to self blame there too, and
my mom like she was like Katie, come on, girl,
(29:31):
like it's a global pandemic. It's not your fault. And
when I was liquidating the business, I was on the
floor crying so much because I was like, oh, I
gave everything to try and create something good in my
life and like, not even that's working, Like I'm actually
(29:53):
like a massive fucking failure and there was no evidence
in my life of being successful. So I was Yeah,
it was really really difficult. It was really difficult to
then get myself out of that mentally and go, you
(30:18):
know what I am. I am enough. I don't need accolades.
I don't need a good body to be worthy. I
don't need a ten out of ten face to be
of value in the world. I don't need anything like
I'm allowed to exist as I am with nothing and
that's enough. So but I still binge eat like that
(30:42):
would come up, and then i'd eat at night, I'd
send myself off to sleep in a food coma. I
would get stressed and I would turn to something sweet
or something just that was my way of comforting myself.
Speaker 1 (30:56):
Anyone who's been through anything like you do, get stress
s doublewhelming in those moments. It's so easy to revert
back to your old ways. But then I suppose there's
more time passes how long you stay there get short
and s like I still do that, Like I still.
Speaker 2 (31:14):
If like after that guy a while ago, go see me.
Speaker 1 (31:17):
Then I start hooking up with random people again, and
then my house wents like, Josh, what are you doing?
You're just doing this because you said, I'm like, oh yeah,
And then I'll talk to him and he'll be like,
you know, remind me everything I've been through and he
even said, don't do this experiment with this random man.
And the other day when I was upset, he was like,
well I told you, but like, you know, yeah, it
(31:39):
goes back to that it's good to be open and
have that support network, and it seems like what you've
been through obviously that's so horrible back then, and it
it doesn't make sense your reactions on the show, but
you know, with that wider context, it well, it does,
(32:00):
I suppose explain more because it's not just this mine
you've known for five minutes, doesn't like yeah, yeah, it's
actually like everything you've been for you to even get
to that point. Yeah, especially in relation to body image
and relationships. And then those two things went to that
extreme in one day and then the country's watching and commentating,
and but I'm glad that was.
Speaker 2 (32:22):
The catalyst who really break that cycle. As an add yeah,
and then seeing the doctor yeah.
Speaker 1 (32:29):
And then you're like in a healthier lifestyle.
Speaker 3 (32:33):
Oh yeah, And I think, like, you know, that was
that was the point for me where I was like, no, like,
I'm not waiting anymore for somebody to fill up that
part of my life or to.
Speaker 1 (32:53):
See me when you did stop filming, and obviously that
rejection was so raw, and then you go home and
it's just you again, Like how a baud did it get?
Speaker 2 (33:03):
Then? Were you binge eating again? Did you shut people out?
Speaker 3 (33:06):
Yeah? I was really antisocial. I jumped straight back into work.
I binge eat to get myself to sleep. I was
sad and I was angry, and I was frustrated, and yeah,
I yeah, I didn't know what the edit was going
(33:31):
to be. So I still was telling myself like, you know,
I'm strong in this and that I'm all good, like
nothing to prove to anyone. Fuck getting married and that sucks.
I'm just gonna be alone forever. But yeah, I slipped
right back into old patterns and leading up to the
(33:52):
wedding itself, I you know, I had so much to do.
I was handing over my job, I was going dress
shop and that and whatever, and yeah, it was then
that happened, and then I like came back so quickly,
and I just I just picked up the momentum and
threw myself into work and just got as distracted as possible.
(34:15):
Wasn't until I saw it play out where I was like, whoa,
I've still got some work to do, and I Am
not gonna jump up on the soapbox and preach about
self love unless I'm actually feeling self love in all
areas of my life, not just pick and choose. And
(34:36):
that's why, like I went and got a body scan
to just see like where I was at, because you know,
looks can be deceiving. Some people can be really healthy
but just hold their shape in different areas, and like
different dress sizes can be still healthy on the inside.
So I'm like, I'm just just gonna go have a
peek at what's going on. And fah, I was shook
(35:03):
with the scores, especially around like visceral fat, the fat
around my organs, and I was like, yeah, I just
I have like weight loss doctor, so I've been doing
it all properly. And basically I was like, I'm one
way street to an early grave and death is a
(35:28):
very early death was with that lifestyle was a really
really high possibility and I was like, no way. And
so this is like the last frontier for me is
going on this health journey and utilizing any form of
science that will help me get there quickly. Because like
I said, that visceral fat score like that's it was.
(35:49):
It is was I haven't got another test yet. It
was really dangerous to be that way, and I don't
want to go anywhere. I don't want to be like
one of those you know, mid early forties that is
dying from a bloody heart attack and something that's preventable,
like I've got two year old kvoodles to look after.
Speaker 2 (36:12):
Going anywhere.
Speaker 3 (36:13):
I can't be going anywhere.
Speaker 1 (36:14):
And then you've been because you know, people have been
commons in and asking about your weight loss, which is
like ongoing. Yeah yeah, and then is it one of
those injections.
Speaker 3 (36:26):
Yeah, yeah, so I've been doing I went to a
weight loss doctor and I was like, this is everything
I've been doing, and she knew, like the patterns that
I've established were like binge eating and like overeating and whatnot.
So she's bloody great and she's like, let's try this, Monjaro,
(36:47):
because that'll get a handle over this pattern. You won't
feel like your appetite will be suppressed, and you won't
that won't be your go to anymore. So that took
a lot of the pressure off and a lot of
the overeating just away, which was so cool, Like I
(37:07):
am pro science, I might get like, I know.
Speaker 2 (37:10):
Some people say, oh, that's a lazy way, but actually, yeah,
if you've.
Speaker 1 (37:13):
Tried and stry wood and there's this thing being prescribed
to here by your doctor, right, why would.
Speaker 2 (37:18):
You say no?
Speaker 3 (37:18):
Right exactly? And I think like a lot of people
are really quick and easy, like it's easy for them
to judge it, and I get it. But until you're
walking in the person who's been struggling with weight for
such a long time and is just then ready to
like get rid of it and get to your goal
more quickly and like have that physical you know, image
(37:43):
that you've got striving towards for it to be there,
because you just want to shed the stuff you've been
carrying around for so long. You don't want it to
take years. Like I was like, yeah, until you're walking
in my shoes with the patterns and behaviors and context
and everything that I've had to go through, Like, don't
(38:04):
judge because it's so easy for you know, wellness folk
and people who in the industry who are doing it
for like ten years and they're genetically blessed and they've
never had any trauma and they're you know, just like, oh,
what you need to do is you know, eat healthy,
sleep well, and move And I'm like, yeah, there's I
(38:25):
know what else is easy this on? But yeah, so
it's just yeah that it really is. It worked for me,
but I felt really like, you know, it's calorie deficit.
When you're not getting your calories in your lethargic, you
feel kind of crappy. Like so I was wasting away
(38:47):
losing weight, but weight also includes I've now learned muscle,
And I was like no, like, I don't want to
just shrible. I want to be like my best self
and do all the right things and do this in
the right way and not just waste everything. I want
(39:08):
to get rid of the fat, be healthy and remain strong.
Because I'm built like a Viking. I'm never going to
be petite. I don't want to be petite. I want
to be a powerhouse. I want to last forever. I
want to be able to take all my groceries in
with both hands in one trip when I'm eighty years old.
Speaker 2 (39:26):
Like, I think that's because.
Speaker 1 (39:28):
You said that you lose muscle with these like yeah,
but then I suppose the thing because when people say, oh,
people that take that are lazy, but you you have
to find that balance of actually you still you can't
just take that injection and then that's it. You still
need to maintain a healthy life stay.
Speaker 3 (39:44):
Yeah, right, and yeah, the doctor did say to me like,
oh now, this this has the habit or the symptom
of you know, chewing up your muscles because that's how
your body gets energy and and when you're not giving
it calories, it's going to pull away from your muscles first.
And I was like, oh, okay, So she's like, make
(40:07):
sure you have plenty of protein. It's like, don't know
what that means, like potato chips. I was like, what
does that even mean? And it was just like you
get all this info and you're trying to figure it out.
And yeah, I was fortunate enough to have a brand
kind of reach out and offer me one of like
(40:29):
a world first product to experiment with. We all know,
like an experiment.
Speaker 1 (40:33):
Yeah. Like I always said, I've sat in this podcast,
I think every week when it comes to the Castmum's
post show, I say, take anything that it's offered if
it aligns with you, because you know, this opportunity is
not there forever.
Speaker 2 (40:46):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (40:46):
Well, I felt like, you know, the the universe or
whatever was just like quickly coming together. It was really
fucking cool because I'm like, as soon as I switched
my brain into like health is what I need to
take care of, Like the pet came out, I'm doing
(41:07):
like sessions with him three times a week. I'm doing
like group classes. They came out of the woodwork too.
And I've got like this protein powder thing that I'm
doing every morning which makes all the symptoms of jarro
just disappear.
Speaker 2 (41:22):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (41:22):
No, it's glow up one so and it's been awesome
and I feel like amazing so and it's a combination
of all the things. And I'm no, and I'm so
excited to like see my scans again to see like,
you know, I've still got like my strength, if not more.
I feel great, and my visceral fat, like the dangerous
(41:45):
stuff is going or in a healthy range, because it
was like not in a healthy range. So it's gonna
be really curious to see. But I can see differences,
and I can feel differences, and I can feel like, yeah,
this like excitement again for life.
Speaker 1 (42:06):
I bet you never fought back to your wedding day
with that rejection and when everything was so raw, that
eight nine months later you'd be here on this journey
I know, able to speak about all this trauma, Yeah,
which will help of us. And then even just like
an ambassador of like a protein company.
Speaker 3 (42:25):
Yeah, how funny is that? I was just like great,
the mean twelve months ago, sitting on the couch smashing
a bag of potato chips, crying into a pillow is
like now.
Speaker 2 (42:40):
Forever?
Speaker 3 (42:42):
Yeah, yeah, I mean I have a lot of love
for my past selves and every version of it, because
you know it, it's you've got to have compassion for
the things that you've been through in the past. You
just if you hate on yourself back then, or you
judge yourself or you shape, it still shows a lot
of like shame and yep not you don't give yourself
(43:02):
enough love you understanding. And I guess writing your book
too write like that would have been like a really
because correct me if I'm wrong, But like what was that? Like?
Speaker 1 (43:12):
Like I was writing it there by days a diary.
So it's just my way of like processing my thoughts.
And this was mostly at a time when I wasn't
speaking about these things. Your family are friends, so like
while you're struggling, that was my only way of getting
out of my head, and yeah, that was beneficial. And
then I wrote most of that thinking no one would
(43:32):
ever read it, and then.
Speaker 3 (43:35):
The bestseller like on amazonas like A day a day county.
Speaker 1 (43:40):
Serious but like, yeah, it was crazy. It's kind of
similar to what you're doing now, Like it's too. I
feel great when you can take what you've been through
and those darkest times like if you know, well, actually,
if now that can help someone and maybe it was
not worth it, but at least it's a positive that's
come out of it.
Speaker 3 (43:59):
Yeah, definitely, I'm going to read your book now because
I didn't, like I haven't and I will because I'm
just like I didn't realize it was a healing journey book.
Speaker 1 (44:10):
That's the confusing people figure it's me just talking about
schragging people.
Speaker 3 (44:16):
Yeah, no, I'm yeah, apologies. I will read it now
because I think, Yeah, like you said before, we have
like a bit in common. And obviously our traumas have
expressed in different ways, and mine probably shifted from you know,
a validation through physical affection to punishing myself through all
(44:38):
those things. But yeah, so yeah, it's we're getting there.
Speaker 2 (44:44):
Well, I look forward to checking it with you in
a few months.
Speaker 3 (44:47):
Yeah. Likewise, are you good though, like I'm good, committed
in marriage now.
Speaker 2 (44:53):
Yeah, we'll see see him after this.
Speaker 3 (44:59):
Thank you, Katie, thank you so much. Pleasure brother from
another mother.
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