December 5, 2025 • 22 mins
The Midlife Libido Mystery: A Hilarious Investigation
In this episode of 'Menopause on the Mic,' host Misti Graham delves into the humorous and chaotic journey of a midlife libido mystery. Misti takes listeners through a detective-style investigation with comical analogies and relatable scenarios, examining the disappearance of libido during menopause. From hormonal suspects and exhaustive detective work to midlife-approved sex positions and a toolkit for survival, this episode provides laughter and solidarity for anyone navigating the hormonal labyrinth of midlife. Join the Menopause Mafia for an episode packed with wit, wisdom, and wild midlife confessions.
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(00:00):
Welcome back to Menopause on the Mic.
The show where midlife chaos comes to be investigated, mocked, and occasionally hugged while it has a breakdown.
.333333333I'm your host, Misti Graham, And today's episode is a full-blown hormonal crime drama. 4 00:00:16,433.333333333 --> 00:00:19,73.333333333 Think Nancy Drew Cagney and Lacey. 5 00:00:19,383.333333333 --> 00:00:23,613.333333333 Jessica Fletcher, Olivia Benson, and now put them all together. 6 00:00:23,673.333333333 --> 00:00:29,913.333333333 Give them hot flashes, moods that swing like monkeys and trees, and a tendency to cry alone in their cars. 7 00:00:30,3.333333333 --> 00:00:30,933.333333333 And that's us. 8 00:00:31,83.333333333 --> 00:00:33,628.333333333 And today we're working on a very serious case. 9 00:00:34,313.333333333 --> 00:00:50,363.333333333 The case of the midlife libido mystery, where did it go? And should I file a report? And let me tell you, if my libido doesn't send a postcard soon, I'm officially calling the authorities and organizing a search party with flashlights and fanny packs. 10 00:00:51,113.333333333 --> 00:00:54,833.333333333 All right, detectives, let's get our badges on and get into it. 11 00:00:55,103.333333333 --> 00:00:55,703.333333333 Part 1. 12 00:00:56,168.333333333 --> 00:01:00,728.333333333 The day my libido disappeared, I'm convinced that it happened overnight. 13 00:01:01,178.333333333 --> 00:01:07,628.333333333 One day my libido was front and center twerking like she was auditioning for a music video and trying to pay the rent. 14 00:01:07,808.333333333 --> 00:01:11,168.333333333 And then the next day, crickets and not even polite, crickets. 15 00:01:11,603.333333333 --> 00:01:12,923.333333333 Rude, crickets. 16 00:01:13,373.333333333 --> 00:01:14,873.333333333 Silence so loud. 17 00:01:14,873.333333333 --> 00:01:34,463.333333333 It was practically screaming, and so I did a mental check-in like, did my libido die? Or is it just taking a very dramatic smoke break? Did I accidentally trigger airplane mode on my sex drive? Did I accidentally unplug something important? Or is this just my hormones launching a hostile takeover? Nope, it's just gone. 18 00:01:34,793.333333333 --> 00:01:37,823.333333333 And the worst part, my brain didn't even seem worried. 19 00:01:37,973.333333333 --> 00:01:43,373.33333333 I was like, uh, hey, libido, are you there? And my brain goes, Nope. 20 00:01:43,553.33333333 --> 00:01:46,403.33333333 But ice cream and Netflix reruns are available. 21 00:01:46,793.33333333 --> 00:01:55,463.33333333 It was basically like calling into customer service and getting that robotic voice that's like, we're sorry, but your libido is unavailable at this time. 22 00:01:55,493.33333333 --> 00:01:57,623.33333333 Please hang up and try again in 10 years. 23 00:01:58,478.33333333 --> 00:02:11,738.33333333 But before we start filing missing persons reports, let's rewind back to the days when your libido was not missing and it was the main character, Part 2, flashback to when our libido was on fire. 24 00:02:12,368.33333333 --> 00:02:15,998.33333333 There was a time, and I know it feels like folklore now. 25 00:02:16,658.33333333 --> 00:02:26,348.33333333 But when your libido was basically an overstimulated golden retriever puppy, you'd brush against a throw pillow and your body would be like, oh, hey girl. 26 00:02:26,348.33333333 --> 00:02:26,918.33333333 hey. 27 00:02:27,188.33333333 --> 00:02:29,108.33333333 And your partner wouldn't even have to try. 28 00:02:29,558.33333333 --> 00:02:38,588.33333333 They could just glance in your general direction, say, Hey, babe, in that voice, and your internal soundtrack would immediately switch to Barry White singing. 29 00:02:38,798.33333333 --> 00:02:40,208.33333333 Let's get it on. 30 00:02:40,838.33333333 --> 00:02:41,948.33333333 You shaved above the knee. 31 00:02:42,278.33333333 --> 00:02:44,678.33333333 You wore matching underwear on purpose. 32 00:02:45,68.33333333 --> 00:02:50,288.33333333 You thought quickie sounded fun, and sex in the pantry seemed like a fun idea. 33 00:02:50,348.33333333 --> 00:02:57,68.33333333 Instead of a guaranteed back spasm and hamstring pull, but then midlife rolled in, like, hold up. 34 00:02:57,188.33333333 --> 00:03:06,968.33333333 We've got new policies, new hours, and zero overtime, and your libido said, I'm tired of carrying this entire franchise. 35 00:03:07,58.33333333 --> 00:03:07,508.33333333 I quit. 36 00:03:08,93.33333333 --> 00:03:12,618.33333333 And so that's the moment I decided to turn into a full-time detective. 37 00:03:13,358.33333333 --> 00:03:15,998.33333333 Part 3, the detective work begins. 38 00:03:16,658.33333333 --> 00:03:24,428.33333333 So I grab my metaphorical trench coat, which is really just a long cardigan that I panic bought during a cold flash after a hot flash. 39 00:03:24,998.33333333 --> 00:03:34,443.33333333 I grab my magnifying glass, also known my reading glasses that I keep pretending I don't need and I start tracking clues like Angie Harmon on Rizzoli and Isles. 40 00:03:35,53.33333333 --> 00:03:40,473.33333333 Clue 1 hormones acting like rabid Girl Scouts who ran out of Thin Mint cookies. 41 00:03:40,893.33333333 --> 00:03:52,563.33333333 Clue 2 exhaustion so deep I could fall asleep, upright, mid text, and actually have Clue 3 stress levels that could power a small city of converted to electricity. 42 00:03:53,13.33333333 --> 00:03:58,308.33333333 Clue 4 casually touching now feels like someone poking a bruise on my body. 43 00:03:59,348.33333333 --> 00:04:03,788.33333333 Clue 5 brain fog so thick that you could butter toast with it. 44 00:04:04,388.33333333 --> 00:04:07,688.33333333 This crime scene is an absolute fucking disaster. 45 00:04:08,348.33333333 --> 00:04:12,488.33333333 Everything I just mentioned looks guilty until proven innocent. 46 00:04:12,833.33333333 --> 00:04:17,123.33333333 And everything, I mean, everything looks suspicious. 47 00:04:17,573.33333333 --> 00:04:20,33.33333333 So now it's time to bring in the suspects. 48 00:04:20,213.33333333 --> 00:04:22,553.33333333 Part 4, the suspect lineup. 49 00:04:23,213.33333333 --> 00:04:31,433.33333333 So picture it a classic police lineup, but instead of criminals, it's your hormones, Estrogen, shuffles in first. 50 00:04:31,853.33333333 --> 00:04:33,83.33333333 Her hair is a mess. 51 00:04:33,203.33333333 --> 00:04:34,733.33333333 Her mascara is smudged. 52 00:04:35,13.33333333 --> 00:04:38,163.33333333 She's sweating through her shirt like she just ran a marathon. 53 00:04:38,163.33333333 --> 00:04:39,363.33333333 She did not train for. 54 00:04:39,783.33333333 --> 00:04:45,93.33333333 Look, she snaps, I'm doing the work of 12 hormones with half the staff. 55 00:04:45,153.33333333 --> 00:04:46,503.33333333 I am exhausted. 56 00:04:47,133.33333333 --> 00:04:49,863.33333333 Progesterone didn't even bother to show up. 57 00:04:49,923.33333333 --> 00:04:53,668.33333333 She moved to Boca Raton Testosterone rolls in. 58 00:04:53,673.33333333 --> 00:04:59,518.33333333 Like, wait, what did I miss? Stress walks in saying, I run this body now. 59 00:04:59,968.33333333 --> 00:05:05,878.33333333 Fatigue is in pajamas and a robe with her hair up in a messy bun looking like she hasn't slept in days. 60 00:05:06,28.33333333 --> 00:05:10,618.33333333 And then brain fog drifts in like, Hey, sorry I'm late, I forgot. 61 00:05:10,708.33333333 --> 00:05:11,968.33333333 Um, everything. 62 00:05:12,568.33333333 --> 00:05:20,338.33333333 At this point it's clear the inmates are running the asylum, but like in every good detective story, someone eventually cracks. 63 00:05:20,908.33333333 --> 00:05:22,978.33333333 Part 5, the confession scene. 64 00:05:23,578.33333333 --> 00:05:37,708.33333333 After a full interrogation of my hormones, I slammed my hand on the metaphorical metal table and yell body, where were you? The night the libido disappeared and my body rolls her eyes and goes, I don't know. 65 00:05:37,768.33333333 --> 00:05:38,758.33333333 I was tired. 66 00:05:39,448.33333333 --> 00:05:41,248.33333333 Tired, girl. 67 00:05:41,638.33333333 --> 00:05:57,853.33333333 This is the same body that groans every time I sit, cracks like bubble wrap every time I stand, overheats when someone mentions the word summer, needs recovery time after carrying groceries, gets winded putting on a sports bra. 68 00:05:58,393.33333333 --> 00:06:01,813.33333333 You have been tired since 1993. 69 00:06:02,323.33333333 --> 00:06:07,783.33333333 But libido took one look at those working conditions and called the hormonal labor board. 70 00:06:08,203.33333333 --> 00:06:10,873.33333333 And so now we arrive at the big question. 71 00:06:11,473.33333333 --> 00:06:15,793.33333333 Is libido dead or just missing in action? Part 6. 72 00:06:16,213.33333333 --> 00:06:21,523.33333333 Is my libido dead or just MIA? The official ruling? She's not dead. 73 00:06:21,583.33333333 --> 00:06:22,933.33333333 She's just on strike. 74 00:06:23,773.33333333 --> 00:06:31,738.33333333 Your libido has quiet quit like a burnt out employee whose boss circling back like that beach seagull who refuses to leave your picnic. 75 00:06:32,983.33333333 --> 00:06:39,433.33333333 Her new rules include no talking to her before caffeine, no touching her when she's sweaty. 76 00:06:39,973.33333333 --> 00:06:45,313.33333333 No spontaneity unless sleep, hydration and planetary alignment are present. 77 00:06:45,470.33333333 --> 00:06:48,468.53333333 No sex if the house looks like a hostage situation. 78 00:06:48,878.53333333 --> 00:06:54,458.53333333 She wants emotional, verbal, and spiritual foreplay, and someone else doing the dishes. 79 00:06:54,908.53333333 --> 00:06:57,428.53333333 She didn't disappear, she unionized. 80 00:06:57,758.53333333 --> 00:07:05,313.53333333 And because navigating midlife intimacy without a guide is basically trespassing in a crime scene, let's refer to the manual. 81 00:07:05,978.53333333 --> 00:07:08,798.53333333 Part 7, the new midlife sex manual. 82 00:07:09,458.53333333 --> 00:07:13,568.53333333 Or in other words, welcome to sex after 40 terms and conditions apply. 83 00:07:14,168.53333333 --> 00:07:19,238.53333333 Rule number 1, if I'm hot, we're not, if I'm cold, we're not. 84 00:07:19,748.53333333 --> 00:07:24,38.53333333 If I'm finally temperature neutral, you have a seven minute window, go. 85 00:07:25,233.53333333 --> 00:07:33,543.53333333 Rule number 2, foreplay starts days before, text me, compliment me, and then vacuum something. 86 00:07:34,203.53333333 --> 00:07:37,503.53333333 I already folded the laundry is considered erotic. 87 00:07:37,743.53333333 --> 00:07:40,628.53333333 Rule number 3, lighting must flatter. 88 00:07:41,573.53333333 --> 00:07:48,953.53333333 If I glimpse, pores, wrinkles, back, fat, stretch marks, or a disappearing hairline, the deal is off. 89 00:07:49,583.53333333 --> 00:07:53,603.53333333 Rule number 4, certain zones are now by appointment only. 90 00:07:53,723.53333333 --> 00:07:56,33.53333333 Some are fully closed for renovation. 91 00:07:56,663.53333333 --> 00:07:57,593.53333333 Rule number 5. 92 00:07:57,993.53333333 --> 00:08:01,923.53333333 Incorrect boob handling is grounds for immediate shutdown. 93 00:08:02,493.53333333 --> 00:08:03,473.53333333 Rule number 6. 94 00:08:03,633.53333333 --> 00:08:08,283.53333333 Once the bra is off in a, we are done for the day, way, game over. 95 00:08:08,343.53333333 --> 00:08:11,493.53333333 We do not reopen for business after closing hours. 96 00:08:11,913.53333333 --> 00:08:12,833.53333333 Rule number 7. 97 00:08:13,353.53333333 --> 00:08:14,913.53333333 I need to know the agenda. 98 00:08:15,183.53333333 --> 00:08:22,618.53333333 Who's doing what for how long, and are there snacks after? Rule number 8, handle me gently. 99 00:08:23,218.53333333 --> 00:08:28,648.53333333 I now function like IKEA furniture, delicate, confusing, and collapse easily. 100 00:08:29,218.53333333 --> 00:08:42,295.17619048 And since we're already knee deep in the hormonal evidence, we might as well ask the obvious, Part 8, Can we get our libido back? Yes, but not by chasing her libido is like a cat. 101 00:08:42,535.17619048 --> 00:08:47,905.17619048 Chase her and she hides, ignore her, and she just might jump on your lap. 102 00:08:48,100.17619048 --> 00:08:51,100.17619048 But what actually helps? Here's some tips. 103 00:08:51,390.17619048 --> 00:08:54,190.17619048 A coma level nap, the kind where you wake up. 104 00:08:54,190.17619048 --> 00:08:55,810.17619048 Not sure what year it is. 105 00:08:56,140.17619048 --> 00:08:59,200.17619048 Good sheets, because scratchy sheets kill the mood. 106 00:08:59,770.17619048 --> 00:09:01,420.17619048 Zero responsibilities. 107 00:09:01,900.17619048 --> 00:09:06,100.17619048 Being touched like a crystal wine glass, not poked like a doorbell. 108 00:09:06,970.17619048 --> 00:09:12,850.17619048 A cold breeze hitting you during a hot flash, like the actual hand of God touching your face. 109 00:09:13,330.17619048 --> 00:09:15,520.17619048 A thermostat set to Arctic Queen. 110 00:09:16,30.17619048 --> 00:09:17,650.17619048 Bra free weekends. 111 00:09:18,40.17619048 --> 00:09:22,510.17619048 Showers with no one knocking, yelling through the door or needing you. 112 00:09:22,960.17619048 --> 00:09:28,930.17619048 And a day where nothing falls, breaks, aches, sweats, or leaks. 113 00:09:29,800.17619048 --> 00:09:31,330.17619048 You are not broken. 114 00:09:31,870.17619048 --> 00:09:35,440.17619048 Your libido just refuses to work in unsafe environments. 115 00:09:35,980.17619048 --> 00:09:42,760.17619048 And once you see the facts laid out like that, the only logical next step is to flip open the case file. 116 00:09:42,760.17619048 --> 00:09:49,960.17619048 Labeled shit we're finally ready to admit Part 9, Wild Midlife Confessions. 117 00:09:50,350.17619048 --> 00:09:56,635.17619048 This is the part where we all nod in uncomfortable agreement about why our libido may have gone AWOL. 118 00:09:57,295.17619048 --> 00:10:00,175.17619048 My vibrator is more reliable than my motivation. 119 00:10:00,685.17619048 --> 00:10:03,205.17619048 I said maybe later in March. 120 00:10:03,265.17619048 --> 00:10:05,65.17619048 It is now not March. 121 00:10:05,725.17619048 --> 00:10:12,445.17619048 I want intimacy, but with no talking, no touching and no theories about where my libido went. 122 00:10:12,970.17619048 --> 00:10:18,400.17619048 If making the beds counted as foreplay, I would definitely hold a world record. 123 00:10:18,610.17619048 --> 00:10:24,100.17619048 And at this point, anything involving my knees, lower back or neck is considered a hate crime. 124 00:10:24,790.17619048 --> 00:10:35,92.06547619 So instead of injuring ourselves, trying to recreate how sexually active we were in our twenties, Let's gather the facts about how we can keep our libido from disappearing again. 125 00:10:35,152.06547619 --> 00:10:35,902.06547619 Part 10. 126 00:10:36,272.06547619 --> 00:10:39,452.06547619 The case of I'd rather do anything else. 127 00:10:39,789.42619048 --> 00:10:48,879.42619048 When you're feeling like your libido has been gone long enough to qualify for a true crime docuseries, just remember what she's competing with. 128 00:10:49,195.6547619 --> 00:11:03,475.6547619 Chips, TikTok, sweatpants, taking your bra off, cleaning the pantry for no reason, plucking chin hairs with rage, standing in front of the open freezer like its church, doing absolutely nothing. 129 00:11:03,880.6547619 --> 00:11:12,220.6547619 And honestly, if I had to choose between sex and sweatpants, cotton blended bliss wins every single time. 130 00:11:12,670.6547619 --> 00:11:25,270.6547619 And with competition like that, libido never stood a chance, and since the odds were clearly stacked against her, our only move now is to launch a covert investigation of our own. 131 00:11:25,690.6547619 --> 00:11:28,630.6547619 Part 11, the undercover operation. 132 00:11:28,870.6547619 --> 00:11:31,660.6547619 Sometimes we try to outsmart our libido. 133 00:11:32,50.6547619 --> 00:11:39,10.6547619 We dim the lights, put on cute pajamas, light a candle, shave things that never see the sun. 134 00:11:39,387.28333333 --> 00:11:42,57.28333333 We're basically setting a trap and libido. 135 00:11:42,967.28333333 --> 00:11:47,887.28333333 She's hiding behind a metaphorical ficus like, shhh, don't move. 136 00:11:48,37.28333333 --> 00:11:50,107.28333333 If we stay quiet, she'll just go to sleep. 137 00:11:50,776.28333333 --> 00:11:54,256.28333333 She's out here in stealth mode, like she's in a spy thriller movie. 138 00:11:54,706.28333333 --> 00:11:59,86.28333333 If she doesn't wanna be found, she'll becomes the Carmen San Diego of your body. 139 00:11:59,416.28333333 --> 00:12:03,226.28333333 And when she does decide to show up, it's not without demands. 140 00:12:03,491.28333333 --> 00:12:05,921.28333333 Part 12, the hostage negotiation. 141 00:12:06,331.28333333 --> 00:12:09,241.28333333 Picture it a hostage negotiation scene. 142 00:12:09,661.28333333 --> 00:12:13,231.28333333 You're on one side, libido's on the other with a megaphone. 143 00:12:13,711.28333333 --> 00:12:15,331.28333333 Thermostat at 65. 144 00:12:15,631.28333333 --> 00:12:17,791.28333333 A clean, non chaotic house. 145 00:12:18,61.28333333 --> 00:12:19,561.28333333 Interrupted alone time. 146 00:12:19,861.28333333 --> 00:12:22,831.28333333 A back rub with absolutely no hidden agenda. 147 00:12:23,266.28333333 --> 00:12:26,236.28333333 And honestly, all of that feels reasonable. 148 00:12:26,716.28333333 --> 00:12:33,76.28333333 But even if you grant all her wishes, there's still yet another plot twist in this mystery. 149 00:12:33,361.48333333 --> 00:12:37,801.48333333 Part 13, the villain, otherwise known as your brain. 150 00:12:38,237.67380952 --> 00:12:47,267.67380952 Because just when libido quietly whispers, okay, maybe possibly your brain bursts into the room. 151 00:12:47,267.67380952 --> 00:13:10,757.67380952 Like, did you pay the water bill? What did your boss mean by that email? Remember that embarrassing thing you said in eighth grade? Are you sure the stove is off? And just like that mood deleted, arousal vanished, libido, see? These are all the reasons why I left and won't be reporting back for duty until I stop sweating like I'm lying on the stand under oath. 152 00:13:11,27.67380952 --> 00:13:14,387.67380952 Your brain is the cat knocking shit over for sport. 153 00:13:14,687.67380952 --> 00:13:21,407.67380952 And now that our brain has revealed itself as an unreliable witness, let's prepare ourselves properly. 154 00:13:21,707.67380952 --> 00:13:24,857.67380952 Part 14, the Midlife Survival Toolkit. 155 00:13:24,912.67380952 --> 00:13:27,822.67380952 At this stage, we're not asking Santa for lingerie. 156 00:13:28,512.67380952 --> 00:13:30,72.67380952 We're asking for tools. 157 00:13:30,312.67380952 --> 00:13:31,242.67380952 Lots of them. 158 00:13:31,842.67380952 --> 00:13:37,2.67380952 Essentials include a fan powerful enough to lift a 7 47 off the ground. 159 00:13:37,572.67380952 --> 00:13:42,642.67380952 AC that sets somewhere between Meat locker and North Pole Research station. 160 00:13:43,182.67380952 --> 00:13:51,852.67380952 Costco size lube, and battery packs, snacks of all categories, including salty, sweet, crunchy, and emotional support. 161 00:13:52,167.67380952 --> 00:13:55,857.67380952 Pajamas so soft, they feel like angel wings. 162 00:13:56,247.67380952 --> 00:13:58,167.67380952 A lock on the bathroom door. 163 00:13:58,617.67380952 --> 00:14:01,47.67380952 Time alone, where no one calls your name. 164 00:14:01,434.34047619 --> 00:14:04,854.34047619 A mattress that supports your joints and your will to live. 165 00:14:05,214.34047619 --> 00:14:10,494.34047619 And a partner who understands not tonight means not tonight. 166 00:14:10,847.67380952 --> 00:14:20,807.67380952 And because our crime scene involves sweat, tears, and misplaced hormones, it's time for the forensic unit built for this level of drama. 167 00:14:21,157.67380952 --> 00:14:24,187.67380952 Part 15, The Hot Flash Forensics Lab. 168 00:14:24,697.67380952 --> 00:14:28,867.67380952 So let's examine all of the actual lost libido evidence. 169 00:14:29,194.34047619 --> 00:14:32,554.34047619 Hot flashes ambushing you at the worst possible moment. 170 00:14:32,929.34047619 --> 00:14:36,289.34047619 Sweat showing up in places that should not be glossy. 171 00:14:36,626.00714286 --> 00:14:39,986.00714286 Mood swings that deserve their own legal representation. 172 00:14:40,349.34047619 --> 00:14:43,409.34047619 Dryness that needs a full climate control system. 173 00:14:43,849.34047619 --> 00:14:47,509.34047619 Brain fog thick enough to qualify as its own weather system. 174 00:14:47,872.67380952 --> 00:14:52,192.67380952 If libido is gone missing, this is the part where we would dust for prints. 175 00:14:52,637.67380952 --> 00:15:08,101.00714286 But before we close this file, there's one last truth to look at, what your libido is up against, which means it's time to examine Exhibit B, the list of events that somehow show up more often than your libido these days. 176 00:15:08,952.67380952 --> 00:15:13,812.67380952 Part 16 Life Events More Likely Than a Drive-By Libido Visit. 177 00:15:14,252.67380952 --> 00:15:15,752.67380952 Your kid apologizes. 178 00:15:16,112.67380952 --> 00:15:17,642.67380952 A doctor runs on time. 179 00:15:18,2.67380952 --> 00:15:19,832.67380952 Your jeans fit from last year. 180 00:15:20,192.67380952 --> 00:15:21,512.67380952 You wake up rested. 181 00:15:22,22.67380952 --> 00:15:23,372.67380952 You remember a password. 182 00:15:23,852.67380952 --> 00:15:26,912.67380952 No hot flash strikes at the worst possible moment. 183 00:15:27,227.67380952 --> 00:15:35,447.67380952 You hit every green light on your way to work and your partner gives you the remote with zero commentary or judgment. 184 00:15:35,747.67380952 --> 00:15:41,597.67380952 And if that's not the mating call of someone begging for a rule book, I don't know what is. 185 00:15:42,107.67380952 --> 00:15:48,737.67380952 The explicit survival guidelines for interacting with a woman whose libido has vanished under suspicious circumstances. 186 00:15:49,374.80238095 --> 00:15:52,59.80238095 Part 17, The Partner Training Manual. 187 00:15:52,424.80238095 --> 00:15:57,624.80238095 Missing libido edition for partners who have accidentally become persons of interest. 188 00:15:57,791.46904762 --> 00:16:03,11.46904762 Because if we let them keep guessing, Keith Morrison will be narrating our downfall. 189 00:16:03,101.46904762 --> 00:16:04,541.46904762 So let's give them the fucking rules. 190 00:16:05,176.46904762 --> 00:16:07,576.46904762 Rule 1, do not startle us. 191 00:16:07,936.46904762 --> 00:16:13,426.46904762 Our libido is missing, not our reflexes creeping up behind us like you're initiating. 192 00:16:13,426.46904762 --> 00:16:16,732.46904762 Foreplay will likely get you elbowed like an MMA fighter. 193 00:16:17,986.46904762 --> 00:16:26,596.46904762 Rule number 2, do not under any circumstances approach with poking, prodding, nudging, or playful touching. 194 00:16:27,106.46904762 --> 00:16:28,366.46904762 We do not have buttons. 195 00:16:28,486.46904762 --> 00:16:29,836.46904762 We do not have switches. 196 00:16:30,166.46904762 --> 00:16:32,896.46904762 We are not malfunctioning vending machines. 197 00:16:33,406.46904762 --> 00:16:37,276.46904762 Rule number 3, do not ask what happened to your libido. 198 00:16:37,636.46904762 --> 00:16:39,256.46904762 This is not law and order. 199 00:16:39,406.46904762 --> 00:16:40,426.4690476 We don't know. 200 00:16:40,606.4690476 --> 00:16:43,186.4690476 We are trying to solve this case as fast as your. 201 00:16:44,176.4690476 --> 00:16:48,436.4690476 Rule number 4, do not assume you are the prime suspect. 202 00:16:48,646.4690476 --> 00:16:56,716.4690476 This crime has many suspects, hormones, exhaustion, stress, temperature fluctuations, pants with buttons. 203 00:16:56,986.4690476 --> 00:17:00,941.4690476 Trust me, if you were the problem, you'd already have been notified. 204 00:17:02,191.4690476 --> 00:17:06,211.4690476 Rule number 5, offer support, not solutions. 205 00:17:06,601.4690476 --> 00:17:09,91.4690476 This is not a home improvement project. 206 00:17:09,181.4690476 --> 00:17:17,761.4690476 You cannot fix a missing libido with suggestions like, maybe you should relax more or want me to help you get in the mood. 207 00:17:17,851.4690476 --> 00:17:19,201.4690476 Fuck no. 208 00:17:19,261.4690476 --> 00:17:20,671.4690476 Absolutely not. 209 00:17:21,31.4690476 --> 00:17:24,721.4690476 You will promptly be escorted out of the investigation. 210 00:17:25,161.4690476 --> 00:17:35,481.4690476 And if you happen to interview a witness that claims to have seen your missing libido, let's talk about sex positions that don't require a chiropractor and a waiver. 211 00:17:35,964.802381 --> 00:17:39,474.802381 Part 18 Midlife Approved Sex Positions. 212 00:17:39,744.802381 --> 00:17:41,274.802381 Forget the acrobatics. 213 00:17:41,304.802381 --> 00:17:42,924.802381 This is not Cirque de Soleil. 214 00:17:42,984.802381 --> 00:17:44,814.802381 This is Cirque Day Sit down. 215 00:17:45,399.802381 --> 00:17:47,919.802381 Introducing The Sloth Slide. 216 00:17:48,159.802381 --> 00:17:52,89.802381 Slow, minimal effort and no sudden anything. 217 00:17:52,569.802381 --> 00:17:58,629.802381 The Target Run, you're physically present, but mentally debating candles and comforters in aisle three. 218 00:17:59,229.802381 --> 00:18:00,699.802381 The Bare Minimum Butterfly. 219 00:18:01,129.802381 --> 00:18:05,359.802381 Just enough movement, so you can't be legally classified as asleep. 220 00:18:05,929.802381 --> 00:18:10,969.802381 The Exhausted Goddess, you lie there like a Renaissance painting and they do all the work. 221 00:18:11,509.802381 --> 00:18:16,249.802381 The Hot Flash Half Commit, the AC is doing more work than you are. 222 00:18:16,699.802381 --> 00:18:18,109.802381 The Kitchen is Closed. 223 00:18:18,289.802381 --> 00:18:21,859.802381 A sacred position of, Nope, not today. 224 00:18:21,949.802381 --> 00:18:24,169.802381 Not tonight, no refunds. 225 00:18:24,709.802381 --> 00:18:27,949.802381 And finally The Let's Hurry Before I Pull a Hammy. 226 00:18:28,464.802381 --> 00:18:31,974.802381 It's all about speed, strategy, and survival. 227 00:18:32,484.802381 --> 00:18:41,64.802381 And it turns out that nothing inspires a memoir faster than realizing you'll never hop on top again. 228 00:18:41,244.802381 --> 00:18:47,384.802381 So my libido wrote an outline for her memoir, Part 19, My Libido's Memoir. 229 00:18:47,804.802381 --> 00:18:48,524.802381 Title. 230 00:18:48,794.802381 --> 00:18:51,314.802381 I Couldn't Do It All: A Hormonal Memoir. 231 00:18:51,674.802381 --> 00:18:54,944.802381 Chapters, Once upon a time, I was fun. 232 00:18:55,349.802381 --> 00:18:56,819.802381 She gave me no support. 233 00:18:57,329.802381 --> 00:18:58,859.802381 Laundry, killed our spark. 234 00:18:59,369.802381 --> 00:19:01,19.802381 Unsafe working conditions. 235 00:19:01,469.802381 --> 00:19:04,769.802381 I deserve a union benefits and paid time off. 236 00:19:05,99.802381 --> 00:19:06,209.802381 Bring me snacks. 237 00:19:06,449.802381 --> 00:19:14,9.802381 And the plot twists in that memoir, just like spontaneous horniness, rare, dramatic, and instantly gone. 238 00:19:14,534.802381 --> 00:19:19,724.802381 But as us detectives would soon learn libido wasn't quite finished with us. 239 00:19:20,94.802381 --> 00:19:30,864.802381 The Libido Case, Final Dateline Plot Twist, and just when you're convinced your libido has packed up, moved out and left, no forwarding address. 240 00:19:31,404.802381 --> 00:19:36,414.802381 Guess what? She reappears out of nowhere unannounced. 241 00:19:36,564.802381 --> 00:19:40,434.802381 Like the last plot twist in a true crime docuseries. 242 00:19:40,434.802381 --> 00:19:42,444.802381 You swore you had figured out. 243 00:19:42,954.802381 --> 00:19:45,774.802381 She pokes her head around the corner like she's been there the whole time. 244 00:19:46,44.802381 --> 00:19:50,664.802381 Hey girl, you still up and you're standing there? Arms crossed. 245 00:19:50,844.802381 --> 00:19:53,754.802381 Buck ass naked fan blasting like. 246 00:19:54,254.802381 --> 00:20:08,204.802381 Excuse me, where in the hell have you been? Did you get kidnapped? Did you join a cult? Did you enter witness protection? Did you backpack through Europe? Because those are the only acceptable excuses. 247 00:20:08,534.802381 --> 00:20:23,234.802381 Anything less, and I'm flipping a fucking table upside down like I'm auditioning for the Real Housewives perimenopause edition, and this my fellow detectives, is the moment in every crime show when the narrator says. 248 00:20:23,749.802381 --> 00:20:38,449.802381 But little did she know the story wasn't quite over because your libido saunters back into your life with iced coffee energy, acting like she wasn't the one who ghosted you for the last 12 hormonal moons. 249 00:20:39,129.802381 --> 00:20:42,39.802381 And at this point, the jury is hurt enough. 250 00:20:42,429.802381 --> 00:20:44,319.802381 The lead detective is exhausted. 251 00:20:44,589.802381 --> 00:20:51,879.802381 The entire forensic team is sweating, case closed, mystery solved, file stamped and archived. 252 00:20:52,419.802381 --> 00:21:05,589.802381 Keith Morrison would not approvingly the CSI Hormone Unit would applaud and whatever the hell is left of Nancy Drew's spirit would absolutely pour herself a glass of bourbon. 253 00:21:06,864.802381 --> 00:21:10,884.802381 So with all the evidence now on the table, detectives, we did it. 254 00:21:11,244.802381 --> 00:21:17,34.802381 The case of the missing midlife libido officially solved until she disappears again. 255 00:21:17,754.802381 --> 00:21:20,784.802381 So to all my fellow libido, losing ladies out there. 256 00:21:21,564.802381 --> 00:21:27,264.802381 This concludes our extended unhinged weirdly therapeutic investigation. 257 00:21:27,744.802381 --> 00:21:29,424.802381 Your libido is not broken. 258 00:21:29,724.802381 --> 00:21:31,164.802381 She's not gone for good. 259 00:21:31,224.802381 --> 00:21:32,574.802381 She's just tired. 260 00:21:32,724.802381 --> 00:21:38,484.802381 She's just hormonal, and she's just waiting for conditions as rare as a polite teenager. 261 00:21:39,84.802381 --> 00:21:46,854.802381 If this episode of menopause on the mic made you laugh so hard, you had to cross your legs so you didn't pee, please subscribe. 262 00:21:47,224.802381 --> 00:21:55,534.802381 Download, follow, leave a review, and share the show with every other hormonal investigative friend who thinks she's alone. 263 00:21:56,104.802381 --> 00:21:57,4.802381 She's not. 264 00:21:57,184.802381 --> 00:21:59,614.802381 She has us The Menopause Mafia. 265 00:22:00,124.802381 --> 00:22:00,994.802381 This is Menopause. 266 00:22:00,994.802381 --> 00:22:06,94.802381 On the mic, I'm Misti Graham, and I'll see you next week for more Midlife Madness.
Welcome back to Menopause on the Mic.
The show where midlife chaos comes to be investigated, mocked, and occasionally hugged while it has a breakdown.
.333333333I'm your host, Misti Graham, And today's episode is a full-blown hormonal crime drama. 4 00:00:16,433.333333333 --> 00:00:19,73.333333333 Think Nancy Drew Cagney and Lacey. 5 00:00:19,383.333333333 --> 00:00:23,613.333333333 Jessica Fletcher, Olivia Benson, and now put them all together. 6 00:00:23,673.333333333 --> 00:00:29,913.333333333 Give them hot flashes, moods that swing like monkeys and trees, and a tendency to cry alone in their cars. 7 00:00:30,3.333333333 --> 00:00:30,933.333333333 And that's us. 8 00:00:31,83.333333333 --> 00:00:33,628.333333333 And today we're working on a very serious case. 9 00:00:34,313.333333333 --> 00:00:50,363.333333333 The case of the midlife libido mystery, where did it go? And should I file a report? And let me tell you, if my libido doesn't send a postcard soon, I'm officially calling the authorities and organizing a search party with flashlights and fanny packs. 10 00:00:51,113.333333333 --> 00:00:54,833.333333333 All right, detectives, let's get our badges on and get into it. 11 00:00:55,103.333333333 --> 00:00:55,703.333333333 Part 1. 12 00:00:56,168.333333333 --> 00:01:00,728.333333333 The day my libido disappeared, I'm convinced that it happened overnight. 13 00:01:01,178.333333333 --> 00:01:07,628.333333333 One day my libido was front and center twerking like she was auditioning for a music video and trying to pay the rent. 14 00:01:07,808.333333333 --> 00:01:11,168.333333333 And then the next day, crickets and not even polite, crickets. 15 00:01:11,603.333333333 --> 00:01:12,923.333333333 Rude, crickets. 16 00:01:13,373.333333333 --> 00:01:14,873.333333333 Silence so loud. 17 00:01:14,873.333333333 --> 00:01:34,463.333333333 It was practically screaming, and so I did a mental check-in like, did my libido die? Or is it just taking a very dramatic smoke break? Did I accidentally trigger airplane mode on my sex drive? Did I accidentally unplug something important? Or is this just my hormones launching a hostile takeover? Nope, it's just gone. 18 00:01:34,793.333333333 --> 00:01:37,823.333333333 And the worst part, my brain didn't even seem worried. 19 00:01:37,973.333333333 --> 00:01:43,373.33333333 I was like, uh, hey, libido, are you there? And my brain goes, Nope. 20 00:01:43,553.33333333 --> 00:01:46,403.33333333 But ice cream and Netflix reruns are available. 21 00:01:46,793.33333333 --> 00:01:55,463.33333333 It was basically like calling into customer service and getting that robotic voice that's like, we're sorry, but your libido is unavailable at this time. 22 00:01:55,493.33333333 --> 00:01:57,623.33333333 Please hang up and try again in 10 years. 23 00:01:58,478.33333333 --> 00:02:11,738.33333333 But before we start filing missing persons reports, let's rewind back to the days when your libido was not missing and it was the main character, Part 2, flashback to when our libido was on fire. 24 00:02:12,368.33333333 --> 00:02:15,998.33333333 There was a time, and I know it feels like folklore now. 25 00:02:16,658.33333333 --> 00:02:26,348.33333333 But when your libido was basically an overstimulated golden retriever puppy, you'd brush against a throw pillow and your body would be like, oh, hey girl. 26 00:02:26,348.33333333 --> 00:02:26,918.33333333 hey. 27 00:02:27,188.33333333 --> 00:02:29,108.33333333 And your partner wouldn't even have to try. 28 00:02:29,558.33333333 --> 00:02:38,588.33333333 They could just glance in your general direction, say, Hey, babe, in that voice, and your internal soundtrack would immediately switch to Barry White singing. 29 00:02:38,798.33333333 --> 00:02:40,208.33333333 Let's get it on. 30 00:02:40,838.33333333 --> 00:02:41,948.33333333 You shaved above the knee. 31 00:02:42,278.33333333 --> 00:02:44,678.33333333 You wore matching underwear on purpose. 32 00:02:45,68.33333333 --> 00:02:50,288.33333333 You thought quickie sounded fun, and sex in the pantry seemed like a fun idea. 33 00:02:50,348.33333333 --> 00:02:57,68.33333333 Instead of a guaranteed back spasm and hamstring pull, but then midlife rolled in, like, hold up. 34 00:02:57,188.33333333 --> 00:03:06,968.33333333 We've got new policies, new hours, and zero overtime, and your libido said, I'm tired of carrying this entire franchise. 35 00:03:07,58.33333333 --> 00:03:07,508.33333333 I quit. 36 00:03:08,93.33333333 --> 00:03:12,618.33333333 And so that's the moment I decided to turn into a full-time detective. 37 00:03:13,358.33333333 --> 00:03:15,998.33333333 Part 3, the detective work begins. 38 00:03:16,658.33333333 --> 00:03:24,428.33333333 So I grab my metaphorical trench coat, which is really just a long cardigan that I panic bought during a cold flash after a hot flash. 39 00:03:24,998.33333333 --> 00:03:34,443.33333333 I grab my magnifying glass, also known my reading glasses that I keep pretending I don't need and I start tracking clues like Angie Harmon on Rizzoli and Isles. 40 00:03:35,53.33333333 --> 00:03:40,473.33333333 Clue 1 hormones acting like rabid Girl Scouts who ran out of Thin Mint cookies. 41 00:03:40,893.33333333 --> 00:03:52,563.33333333 Clue 2 exhaustion so deep I could fall asleep, upright, mid text, and actually have Clue 3 stress levels that could power a small city of converted to electricity. 42 00:03:53,13.33333333 --> 00:03:58,308.33333333 Clue 4 casually touching now feels like someone poking a bruise on my body. 43 00:03:59,348.33333333 --> 00:04:03,788.33333333 Clue 5 brain fog so thick that you could butter toast with it. 44 00:04:04,388.33333333 --> 00:04:07,688.33333333 This crime scene is an absolute fucking disaster. 45 00:04:08,348.33333333 --> 00:04:12,488.33333333 Everything I just mentioned looks guilty until proven innocent. 46 00:04:12,833.33333333 --> 00:04:17,123.33333333 And everything, I mean, everything looks suspicious. 47 00:04:17,573.33333333 --> 00:04:20,33.33333333 So now it's time to bring in the suspects. 48 00:04:20,213.33333333 --> 00:04:22,553.33333333 Part 4, the suspect lineup. 49 00:04:23,213.33333333 --> 00:04:31,433.33333333 So picture it a classic police lineup, but instead of criminals, it's your hormones, Estrogen, shuffles in first. 50 00:04:31,853.33333333 --> 00:04:33,83.33333333 Her hair is a mess. 51 00:04:33,203.33333333 --> 00:04:34,733.33333333 Her mascara is smudged. 52 00:04:35,13.33333333 --> 00:04:38,163.33333333 She's sweating through her shirt like she just ran a marathon. 53 00:04:38,163.33333333 --> 00:04:39,363.33333333 She did not train for. 54 00:04:39,783.33333333 --> 00:04:45,93.33333333 Look, she snaps, I'm doing the work of 12 hormones with half the staff. 55 00:04:45,153.33333333 --> 00:04:46,503.33333333 I am exhausted. 56 00:04:47,133.33333333 --> 00:04:49,863.33333333 Progesterone didn't even bother to show up. 57 00:04:49,923.33333333 --> 00:04:53,668.33333333 She moved to Boca Raton Testosterone rolls in. 58 00:04:53,673.33333333 --> 00:04:59,518.33333333 Like, wait, what did I miss? Stress walks in saying, I run this body now. 59 00:04:59,968.33333333 --> 00:05:05,878.33333333 Fatigue is in pajamas and a robe with her hair up in a messy bun looking like she hasn't slept in days. 60 00:05:06,28.33333333 --> 00:05:10,618.33333333 And then brain fog drifts in like, Hey, sorry I'm late, I forgot. 61 00:05:10,708.33333333 --> 00:05:11,968.33333333 Um, everything. 62 00:05:12,568.33333333 --> 00:05:20,338.33333333 At this point it's clear the inmates are running the asylum, but like in every good detective story, someone eventually cracks. 63 00:05:20,908.33333333 --> 00:05:22,978.33333333 Part 5, the confession scene. 64 00:05:23,578.33333333 --> 00:05:37,708.33333333 After a full interrogation of my hormones, I slammed my hand on the metaphorical metal table and yell body, where were you? The night the libido disappeared and my body rolls her eyes and goes, I don't know. 65 00:05:37,768.33333333 --> 00:05:38,758.33333333 I was tired. 66 00:05:39,448.33333333 --> 00:05:41,248.33333333 Tired, girl. 67 00:05:41,638.33333333 --> 00:05:57,853.33333333 This is the same body that groans every time I sit, cracks like bubble wrap every time I stand, overheats when someone mentions the word summer, needs recovery time after carrying groceries, gets winded putting on a sports bra. 68 00:05:58,393.33333333 --> 00:06:01,813.33333333 You have been tired since 1993. 69 00:06:02,323.33333333 --> 00:06:07,783.33333333 But libido took one look at those working conditions and called the hormonal labor board. 70 00:06:08,203.33333333 --> 00:06:10,873.33333333 And so now we arrive at the big question. 71 00:06:11,473.33333333 --> 00:06:15,793.33333333 Is libido dead or just missing in action? Part 6. 72 00:06:16,213.33333333 --> 00:06:21,523.33333333 Is my libido dead or just MIA? The official ruling? She's not dead. 73 00:06:21,583.33333333 --> 00:06:22,933.33333333 She's just on strike. 74 00:06:23,773.33333333 --> 00:06:31,738.33333333 Your libido has quiet quit like a burnt out employee whose boss circling back like that beach seagull who refuses to leave your picnic. 75 00:06:32,983.33333333 --> 00:06:39,433.33333333 Her new rules include no talking to her before caffeine, no touching her when she's sweaty. 76 00:06:39,973.33333333 --> 00:06:45,313.33333333 No spontaneity unless sleep, hydration and planetary alignment are present. 77 00:06:45,470.33333333 --> 00:06:48,468.53333333 No sex if the house looks like a hostage situation. 78 00:06:48,878.53333333 --> 00:06:54,458.53333333 She wants emotional, verbal, and spiritual foreplay, and someone else doing the dishes. 79 00:06:54,908.53333333 --> 00:06:57,428.53333333 She didn't disappear, she unionized. 80 00:06:57,758.53333333 --> 00:07:05,313.53333333 And because navigating midlife intimacy without a guide is basically trespassing in a crime scene, let's refer to the manual. 81 00:07:05,978.53333333 --> 00:07:08,798.53333333 Part 7, the new midlife sex manual. 82 00:07:09,458.53333333 --> 00:07:13,568.53333333 Or in other words, welcome to sex after 40 terms and conditions apply. 83 00:07:14,168.53333333 --> 00:07:19,238.53333333 Rule number 1, if I'm hot, we're not, if I'm cold, we're not. 84 00:07:19,748.53333333 --> 00:07:24,38.53333333 If I'm finally temperature neutral, you have a seven minute window, go. 85 00:07:25,233.53333333 --> 00:07:33,543.53333333 Rule number 2, foreplay starts days before, text me, compliment me, and then vacuum something. 86 00:07:34,203.53333333 --> 00:07:37,503.53333333 I already folded the laundry is considered erotic. 87 00:07:37,743.53333333 --> 00:07:40,628.53333333 Rule number 3, lighting must flatter. 88 00:07:41,573.53333333 --> 00:07:48,953.53333333 If I glimpse, pores, wrinkles, back, fat, stretch marks, or a disappearing hairline, the deal is off. 89 00:07:49,583.53333333 --> 00:07:53,603.53333333 Rule number 4, certain zones are now by appointment only. 90 00:07:53,723.53333333 --> 00:07:56,33.53333333 Some are fully closed for renovation. 91 00:07:56,663.53333333 --> 00:07:57,593.53333333 Rule number 5. 92 00:07:57,993.53333333 --> 00:08:01,923.53333333 Incorrect boob handling is grounds for immediate shutdown. 93 00:08:02,493.53333333 --> 00:08:03,473.53333333 Rule number 6. 94 00:08:03,633.53333333 --> 00:08:08,283.53333333 Once the bra is off in a, we are done for the day, way, game over. 95 00:08:08,343.53333333 --> 00:08:11,493.53333333 We do not reopen for business after closing hours. 96 00:08:11,913.53333333 --> 00:08:12,833.53333333 Rule number 7. 97 00:08:13,353.53333333 --> 00:08:14,913.53333333 I need to know the agenda. 98 00:08:15,183.53333333 --> 00:08:22,618.53333333 Who's doing what for how long, and are there snacks after? Rule number 8, handle me gently. 99 00:08:23,218.53333333 --> 00:08:28,648.53333333 I now function like IKEA furniture, delicate, confusing, and collapse easily. 100 00:08:29,218.53333333 --> 00:08:42,295.17619048 And since we're already knee deep in the hormonal evidence, we might as well ask the obvious, Part 8, Can we get our libido back? Yes, but not by chasing her libido is like a cat. 101 00:08:42,535.17619048 --> 00:08:47,905.17619048 Chase her and she hides, ignore her, and she just might jump on your lap. 102 00:08:48,100.17619048 --> 00:08:51,100.17619048 But what actually helps? Here's some tips. 103 00:08:51,390.17619048 --> 00:08:54,190.17619048 A coma level nap, the kind where you wake up. 104 00:08:54,190.17619048 --> 00:08:55,810.17619048 Not sure what year it is. 105 00:08:56,140.17619048 --> 00:08:59,200.17619048 Good sheets, because scratchy sheets kill the mood. 106 00:08:59,770.17619048 --> 00:09:01,420.17619048 Zero responsibilities. 107 00:09:01,900.17619048 --> 00:09:06,100.17619048 Being touched like a crystal wine glass, not poked like a doorbell. 108 00:09:06,970.17619048 --> 00:09:12,850.17619048 A cold breeze hitting you during a hot flash, like the actual hand of God touching your face. 109 00:09:13,330.17619048 --> 00:09:15,520.17619048 A thermostat set to Arctic Queen. 110 00:09:16,30.17619048 --> 00:09:17,650.17619048 Bra free weekends. 111 00:09:18,40.17619048 --> 00:09:22,510.17619048 Showers with no one knocking, yelling through the door or needing you. 112 00:09:22,960.17619048 --> 00:09:28,930.17619048 And a day where nothing falls, breaks, aches, sweats, or leaks. 113 00:09:29,800.17619048 --> 00:09:31,330.17619048 You are not broken. 114 00:09:31,870.17619048 --> 00:09:35,440.17619048 Your libido just refuses to work in unsafe environments. 115 00:09:35,980.17619048 --> 00:09:42,760.17619048 And once you see the facts laid out like that, the only logical next step is to flip open the case file. 116 00:09:42,760.17619048 --> 00:09:49,960.17619048 Labeled shit we're finally ready to admit Part 9, Wild Midlife Confessions. 117 00:09:50,350.17619048 --> 00:09:56,635.17619048 This is the part where we all nod in uncomfortable agreement about why our libido may have gone AWOL. 118 00:09:57,295.17619048 --> 00:10:00,175.17619048 My vibrator is more reliable than my motivation. 119 00:10:00,685.17619048 --> 00:10:03,205.17619048 I said maybe later in March. 120 00:10:03,265.17619048 --> 00:10:05,65.17619048 It is now not March. 121 00:10:05,725.17619048 --> 00:10:12,445.17619048 I want intimacy, but with no talking, no touching and no theories about where my libido went. 122 00:10:12,970.17619048 --> 00:10:18,400.17619048 If making the beds counted as foreplay, I would definitely hold a world record. 123 00:10:18,610.17619048 --> 00:10:24,100.17619048 And at this point, anything involving my knees, lower back or neck is considered a hate crime. 124 00:10:24,790.17619048 --> 00:10:35,92.06547619 So instead of injuring ourselves, trying to recreate how sexually active we were in our twenties, Let's gather the facts about how we can keep our libido from disappearing again. 125 00:10:35,152.06547619 --> 00:10:35,902.06547619 Part 10. 126 00:10:36,272.06547619 --> 00:10:39,452.06547619 The case of I'd rather do anything else. 127 00:10:39,789.42619048 --> 00:10:48,879.42619048 When you're feeling like your libido has been gone long enough to qualify for a true crime docuseries, just remember what she's competing with. 128 00:10:49,195.6547619 --> 00:11:03,475.6547619 Chips, TikTok, sweatpants, taking your bra off, cleaning the pantry for no reason, plucking chin hairs with rage, standing in front of the open freezer like its church, doing absolutely nothing. 129 00:11:03,880.6547619 --> 00:11:12,220.6547619 And honestly, if I had to choose between sex and sweatpants, cotton blended bliss wins every single time. 130 00:11:12,670.6547619 --> 00:11:25,270.6547619 And with competition like that, libido never stood a chance, and since the odds were clearly stacked against her, our only move now is to launch a covert investigation of our own. 131 00:11:25,690.6547619 --> 00:11:28,630.6547619 Part 11, the undercover operation. 132 00:11:28,870.6547619 --> 00:11:31,660.6547619 Sometimes we try to outsmart our libido. 133 00:11:32,50.6547619 --> 00:11:39,10.6547619 We dim the lights, put on cute pajamas, light a candle, shave things that never see the sun. 134 00:11:39,387.28333333 --> 00:11:42,57.28333333 We're basically setting a trap and libido. 135 00:11:42,967.28333333 --> 00:11:47,887.28333333 She's hiding behind a metaphorical ficus like, shhh, don't move. 136 00:11:48,37.28333333 --> 00:11:50,107.28333333 If we stay quiet, she'll just go to sleep. 137 00:11:50,776.28333333 --> 00:11:54,256.28333333 She's out here in stealth mode, like she's in a spy thriller movie. 138 00:11:54,706.28333333 --> 00:11:59,86.28333333 If she doesn't wanna be found, she'll becomes the Carmen San Diego of your body. 139 00:11:59,416.28333333 --> 00:12:03,226.28333333 And when she does decide to show up, it's not without demands. 140 00:12:03,491.28333333 --> 00:12:05,921.28333333 Part 12, the hostage negotiation. 141 00:12:06,331.28333333 --> 00:12:09,241.28333333 Picture it a hostage negotiation scene. 142 00:12:09,661.28333333 --> 00:12:13,231.28333333 You're on one side, libido's on the other with a megaphone. 143 00:12:13,711.28333333 --> 00:12:15,331.28333333 Thermostat at 65. 144 00:12:15,631.28333333 --> 00:12:17,791.28333333 A clean, non chaotic house. 145 00:12:18,61.28333333 --> 00:12:19,561.28333333 Interrupted alone time. 146 00:12:19,861.28333333 --> 00:12:22,831.28333333 A back rub with absolutely no hidden agenda. 147 00:12:23,266.28333333 --> 00:12:26,236.28333333 And honestly, all of that feels reasonable. 148 00:12:26,716.28333333 --> 00:12:33,76.28333333 But even if you grant all her wishes, there's still yet another plot twist in this mystery. 149 00:12:33,361.48333333 --> 00:12:37,801.48333333 Part 13, the villain, otherwise known as your brain. 150 00:12:38,237.67380952 --> 00:12:47,267.67380952 Because just when libido quietly whispers, okay, maybe possibly your brain bursts into the room. 151 00:12:47,267.67380952 --> 00:13:10,757.67380952 Like, did you pay the water bill? What did your boss mean by that email? Remember that embarrassing thing you said in eighth grade? Are you sure the stove is off? And just like that mood deleted, arousal vanished, libido, see? These are all the reasons why I left and won't be reporting back for duty until I stop sweating like I'm lying on the stand under oath. 152 00:13:11,27.67380952 --> 00:13:14,387.67380952 Your brain is the cat knocking shit over for sport. 153 00:13:14,687.67380952 --> 00:13:21,407.67380952 And now that our brain has revealed itself as an unreliable witness, let's prepare ourselves properly. 154 00:13:21,707.67380952 --> 00:13:24,857.67380952 Part 14, the Midlife Survival Toolkit. 155 00:13:24,912.67380952 --> 00:13:27,822.67380952 At this stage, we're not asking Santa for lingerie. 156 00:13:28,512.67380952 --> 00:13:30,72.67380952 We're asking for tools. 157 00:13:30,312.67380952 --> 00:13:31,242.67380952 Lots of them. 158 00:13:31,842.67380952 --> 00:13:37,2.67380952 Essentials include a fan powerful enough to lift a 7 47 off the ground. 159 00:13:37,572.67380952 --> 00:13:42,642.67380952 AC that sets somewhere between Meat locker and North Pole Research station. 160 00:13:43,182.67380952 --> 00:13:51,852.67380952 Costco size lube, and battery packs, snacks of all categories, including salty, sweet, crunchy, and emotional support. 161 00:13:52,167.67380952 --> 00:13:55,857.67380952 Pajamas so soft, they feel like angel wings. 162 00:13:56,247.67380952 --> 00:13:58,167.67380952 A lock on the bathroom door. 163 00:13:58,617.67380952 --> 00:14:01,47.67380952 Time alone, where no one calls your name. 164 00:14:01,434.34047619 --> 00:14:04,854.34047619 A mattress that supports your joints and your will to live. 165 00:14:05,214.34047619 --> 00:14:10,494.34047619 And a partner who understands not tonight means not tonight. 166 00:14:10,847.67380952 --> 00:14:20,807.67380952 And because our crime scene involves sweat, tears, and misplaced hormones, it's time for the forensic unit built for this level of drama. 167 00:14:21,157.67380952 --> 00:14:24,187.67380952 Part 15, The Hot Flash Forensics Lab. 168 00:14:24,697.67380952 --> 00:14:28,867.67380952 So let's examine all of the actual lost libido evidence. 169 00:14:29,194.34047619 --> 00:14:32,554.34047619 Hot flashes ambushing you at the worst possible moment. 170 00:14:32,929.34047619 --> 00:14:36,289.34047619 Sweat showing up in places that should not be glossy. 171 00:14:36,626.00714286 --> 00:14:39,986.00714286 Mood swings that deserve their own legal representation. 172 00:14:40,349.34047619 --> 00:14:43,409.34047619 Dryness that needs a full climate control system. 173 00:14:43,849.34047619 --> 00:14:47,509.34047619 Brain fog thick enough to qualify as its own weather system. 174 00:14:47,872.67380952 --> 00:14:52,192.67380952 If libido is gone missing, this is the part where we would dust for prints. 175 00:14:52,637.67380952 --> 00:15:08,101.00714286 But before we close this file, there's one last truth to look at, what your libido is up against, which means it's time to examine Exhibit B, the list of events that somehow show up more often than your libido these days. 176 00:15:08,952.67380952 --> 00:15:13,812.67380952 Part 16 Life Events More Likely Than a Drive-By Libido Visit. 177 00:15:14,252.67380952 --> 00:15:15,752.67380952 Your kid apologizes. 178 00:15:16,112.67380952 --> 00:15:17,642.67380952 A doctor runs on time. 179 00:15:18,2.67380952 --> 00:15:19,832.67380952 Your jeans fit from last year. 180 00:15:20,192.67380952 --> 00:15:21,512.67380952 You wake up rested. 181 00:15:22,22.67380952 --> 00:15:23,372.67380952 You remember a password. 182 00:15:23,852.67380952 --> 00:15:26,912.67380952 No hot flash strikes at the worst possible moment. 183 00:15:27,227.67380952 --> 00:15:35,447.67380952 You hit every green light on your way to work and your partner gives you the remote with zero commentary or judgment. 184 00:15:35,747.67380952 --> 00:15:41,597.67380952 And if that's not the mating call of someone begging for a rule book, I don't know what is. 185 00:15:42,107.67380952 --> 00:15:48,737.67380952 The explicit survival guidelines for interacting with a woman whose libido has vanished under suspicious circumstances. 186 00:15:49,374.80238095 --> 00:15:52,59.80238095 Part 17, The Partner Training Manual. 187 00:15:52,424.80238095 --> 00:15:57,624.80238095 Missing libido edition for partners who have accidentally become persons of interest. 188 00:15:57,791.46904762 --> 00:16:03,11.46904762 Because if we let them keep guessing, Keith Morrison will be narrating our downfall. 189 00:16:03,101.46904762 --> 00:16:04,541.46904762 So let's give them the fucking rules. 190 00:16:05,176.46904762 --> 00:16:07,576.46904762 Rule 1, do not startle us. 191 00:16:07,936.46904762 --> 00:16:13,426.46904762 Our libido is missing, not our reflexes creeping up behind us like you're initiating. 192 00:16:13,426.46904762 --> 00:16:16,732.46904762 Foreplay will likely get you elbowed like an MMA fighter. 193 00:16:17,986.46904762 --> 00:16:26,596.46904762 Rule number 2, do not under any circumstances approach with poking, prodding, nudging, or playful touching. 194 00:16:27,106.46904762 --> 00:16:28,366.46904762 We do not have buttons. 195 00:16:28,486.46904762 --> 00:16:29,836.46904762 We do not have switches. 196 00:16:30,166.46904762 --> 00:16:32,896.46904762 We are not malfunctioning vending machines. 197 00:16:33,406.46904762 --> 00:16:37,276.46904762 Rule number 3, do not ask what happened to your libido. 198 00:16:37,636.46904762 --> 00:16:39,256.46904762 This is not law and order. 199 00:16:39,406.46904762 --> 00:16:40,426.4690476 We don't know. 200 00:16:40,606.4690476 --> 00:16:43,186.4690476 We are trying to solve this case as fast as your. 201 00:16:44,176.4690476 --> 00:16:48,436.4690476 Rule number 4, do not assume you are the prime suspect. 202 00:16:48,646.4690476 --> 00:16:56,716.4690476 This crime has many suspects, hormones, exhaustion, stress, temperature fluctuations, pants with buttons. 203 00:16:56,986.4690476 --> 00:17:00,941.4690476 Trust me, if you were the problem, you'd already have been notified. 204 00:17:02,191.4690476 --> 00:17:06,211.4690476 Rule number 5, offer support, not solutions. 205 00:17:06,601.4690476 --> 00:17:09,91.4690476 This is not a home improvement project. 206 00:17:09,181.4690476 --> 00:17:17,761.4690476 You cannot fix a missing libido with suggestions like, maybe you should relax more or want me to help you get in the mood. 207 00:17:17,851.4690476 --> 00:17:19,201.4690476 Fuck no. 208 00:17:19,261.4690476 --> 00:17:20,671.4690476 Absolutely not. 209 00:17:21,31.4690476 --> 00:17:24,721.4690476 You will promptly be escorted out of the investigation. 210 00:17:25,161.4690476 --> 00:17:35,481.4690476 And if you happen to interview a witness that claims to have seen your missing libido, let's talk about sex positions that don't require a chiropractor and a waiver. 211 00:17:35,964.802381 --> 00:17:39,474.802381 Part 18 Midlife Approved Sex Positions. 212 00:17:39,744.802381 --> 00:17:41,274.802381 Forget the acrobatics. 213 00:17:41,304.802381 --> 00:17:42,924.802381 This is not Cirque de Soleil. 214 00:17:42,984.802381 --> 00:17:44,814.802381 This is Cirque Day Sit down. 215 00:17:45,399.802381 --> 00:17:47,919.802381 Introducing The Sloth Slide. 216 00:17:48,159.802381 --> 00:17:52,89.802381 Slow, minimal effort and no sudden anything. 217 00:17:52,569.802381 --> 00:17:58,629.802381 The Target Run, you're physically present, but mentally debating candles and comforters in aisle three. 218 00:17:59,229.802381 --> 00:18:00,699.802381 The Bare Minimum Butterfly. 219 00:18:01,129.802381 --> 00:18:05,359.802381 Just enough movement, so you can't be legally classified as asleep. 220 00:18:05,929.802381 --> 00:18:10,969.802381 The Exhausted Goddess, you lie there like a Renaissance painting and they do all the work. 221 00:18:11,509.802381 --> 00:18:16,249.802381 The Hot Flash Half Commit, the AC is doing more work than you are. 222 00:18:16,699.802381 --> 00:18:18,109.802381 The Kitchen is Closed. 223 00:18:18,289.802381 --> 00:18:21,859.802381 A sacred position of, Nope, not today. 224 00:18:21,949.802381 --> 00:18:24,169.802381 Not tonight, no refunds. 225 00:18:24,709.802381 --> 00:18:27,949.802381 And finally The Let's Hurry Before I Pull a Hammy. 226 00:18:28,464.802381 --> 00:18:31,974.802381 It's all about speed, strategy, and survival. 227 00:18:32,484.802381 --> 00:18:41,64.802381 And it turns out that nothing inspires a memoir faster than realizing you'll never hop on top again. 228 00:18:41,244.802381 --> 00:18:47,384.802381 So my libido wrote an outline for her memoir, Part 19, My Libido's Memoir. 229 00:18:47,804.802381 --> 00:18:48,524.802381 Title. 230 00:18:48,794.802381 --> 00:18:51,314.802381 I Couldn't Do It All: A Hormonal Memoir. 231 00:18:51,674.802381 --> 00:18:54,944.802381 Chapters, Once upon a time, I was fun. 232 00:18:55,349.802381 --> 00:18:56,819.802381 She gave me no support. 233 00:18:57,329.802381 --> 00:18:58,859.802381 Laundry, killed our spark. 234 00:18:59,369.802381 --> 00:19:01,19.802381 Unsafe working conditions. 235 00:19:01,469.802381 --> 00:19:04,769.802381 I deserve a union benefits and paid time off. 236 00:19:05,99.802381 --> 00:19:06,209.802381 Bring me snacks. 237 00:19:06,449.802381 --> 00:19:14,9.802381 And the plot twists in that memoir, just like spontaneous horniness, rare, dramatic, and instantly gone. 238 00:19:14,534.802381 --> 00:19:19,724.802381 But as us detectives would soon learn libido wasn't quite finished with us. 239 00:19:20,94.802381 --> 00:19:30,864.802381 The Libido Case, Final Dateline Plot Twist, and just when you're convinced your libido has packed up, moved out and left, no forwarding address. 240 00:19:31,404.802381 --> 00:19:36,414.802381 Guess what? She reappears out of nowhere unannounced. 241 00:19:36,564.802381 --> 00:19:40,434.802381 Like the last plot twist in a true crime docuseries. 242 00:19:40,434.802381 --> 00:19:42,444.802381 You swore you had figured out. 243 00:19:42,954.802381 --> 00:19:45,774.802381 She pokes her head around the corner like she's been there the whole time. 244 00:19:46,44.802381 --> 00:19:50,664.802381 Hey girl, you still up and you're standing there? Arms crossed. 245 00:19:50,844.802381 --> 00:19:53,754.802381 Buck ass naked fan blasting like. 246 00:19:54,254.802381 --> 00:20:08,204.802381 Excuse me, where in the hell have you been? Did you get kidnapped? Did you join a cult? Did you enter witness protection? Did you backpack through Europe? Because those are the only acceptable excuses. 247 00:20:08,534.802381 --> 00:20:23,234.802381 Anything less, and I'm flipping a fucking table upside down like I'm auditioning for the Real Housewives perimenopause edition, and this my fellow detectives, is the moment in every crime show when the narrator says. 248 00:20:23,749.802381 --> 00:20:38,449.802381 But little did she know the story wasn't quite over because your libido saunters back into your life with iced coffee energy, acting like she wasn't the one who ghosted you for the last 12 hormonal moons. 249 00:20:39,129.802381 --> 00:20:42,39.802381 And at this point, the jury is hurt enough. 250 00:20:42,429.802381 --> 00:20:44,319.802381 The lead detective is exhausted. 251 00:20:44,589.802381 --> 00:20:51,879.802381 The entire forensic team is sweating, case closed, mystery solved, file stamped and archived. 252 00:20:52,419.802381 --> 00:21:05,589.802381 Keith Morrison would not approvingly the CSI Hormone Unit would applaud and whatever the hell is left of Nancy Drew's spirit would absolutely pour herself a glass of bourbon. 253 00:21:06,864.802381 --> 00:21:10,884.802381 So with all the evidence now on the table, detectives, we did it. 254 00:21:11,244.802381 --> 00:21:17,34.802381 The case of the missing midlife libido officially solved until she disappears again. 255 00:21:17,754.802381 --> 00:21:20,784.802381 So to all my fellow libido, losing ladies out there. 256 00:21:21,564.802381 --> 00:21:27,264.802381 This concludes our extended unhinged weirdly therapeutic investigation. 257 00:21:27,744.802381 --> 00:21:29,424.802381 Your libido is not broken. 258 00:21:29,724.802381 --> 00:21:31,164.802381 She's not gone for good. 259 00:21:31,224.802381 --> 00:21:32,574.802381 She's just tired. 260 00:21:32,724.802381 --> 00:21:38,484.802381 She's just hormonal, and she's just waiting for conditions as rare as a polite teenager. 261 00:21:39,84.802381 --> 00:21:46,854.802381 If this episode of menopause on the mic made you laugh so hard, you had to cross your legs so you didn't pee, please subscribe. 262 00:21:47,224.802381 --> 00:21:55,534.802381 Download, follow, leave a review, and share the show with every other hormonal investigative friend who thinks she's alone. 263 00:21:56,104.802381 --> 00:21:57,4.802381 She's not. 264 00:21:57,184.802381 --> 00:21:59,614.802381 She has us The Menopause Mafia. 265 00:22:00,124.802381 --> 00:22:00,994.802381 This is Menopause. 266 00:22:00,994.802381 --> 00:22:06,94.802381 On the mic, I'm Misti Graham, and I'll see you next week for more Midlife Madness.
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