February 17, 2025 • 21 mins
I am not sure what you think of when you here the word boundaries. I used to think that having boundaries was about drawing lines in the sand or creating rules for other people, walls that other people were not allowed to crossover. In today's episode I am sharing with you a more accurate interpretation of what I now know boundaries to be. You might be surprised by some of the descriptions and ways that I incorporate boundaries in my life. As always I look forward to hearing your feedback.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:01):
Welcome to Mind Management for Christian Housewives, where each week we discuss practical tools to manage your mind and live your life on purpose.
.999My name is Keri Alamirsh and I am your host, life coach, Bible teacher, Christian housewife, and mom.
You ready to do this? Let's go! Hello, and welcome to the podcast.
(00:30):
I am so glad to have you here with me again today.
I'm recording this on a Sunday afternoon slash evening in Alberta, Canada.
And I'm staying with my daughter and her family at their home and really enjoying some very cold minus 20 ish weather.
(00:51):
And so I hope you're warm and cozy wherever you are today.
You'll be listening to this probably on Monday morning or sometime during the week.
And I hope it blesses you in some way, or, you know, maybe it's, uh, just a help, an eye opener or an encouragement to you today, as I want to share with you a little bit about boundaries, what they are and what it means to your life to have boundaries for yourself.
(01:19):
And so, and I do say it that way quite on purpose, I think boundaries are always for us.
They are not for other people.
And so that's maybe where I want to start.
Is just giving you a little bit of a definition or a description of what a boundary is and I think I've in the past thought that a boundary was about me telling somebody else how they could behave or what they should do.
(01:43):
And, and so I resisted having those sorts of boundaries in my life because I don't actually think that that is how I want to live my life, nor is it how I want to instruct other people how to be in my life.
And so I kind of resisted this idea until I learned more about what is a boundary.
(02:04):
.999And what does it mean in my life? And so by, by definition, a boundary is not a set of rules for other people to live by.
It is instead a code of conduct for myself and what I will do.
Myself in reaction to somebody else's actions or words, or, you know, maybe something that they do in their life.
(02:28):
And so my code of conduct for myself and the way that I will choose to respond to somebody else's words, to their actions or to their requests made of me, those are my boundaries.
And so I spend a lot of time thinking about my boundaries in the first place and decided what would constitute the need.
For a boundary, in fact, and I think a lot of times we don't need as many boundaries as we think we do, and I say this because boundaries are really something that we would put in place in a way of maybe taking care of or protecting ourselves from certain situations. 22 00:03:06,19.999 --> 00:03:12,880 And so we often think what it means is how we're going to try to make somebody behave.
(03:13):
.999So then these are the actions we're going to take to get a certain outcome that we want, and that's really a type of manipulation or that is me having a certain manual or code of conduct for somebody else, right, of what I want them to do and how I want them to behave. 24 00:03:30,719.999 --> 00:03:38,760 And so, uh, sometimes people think they can use their boundaries as a way of creating that circumstance in their life.
(03:38):
.999And so I think we really need to kind of shake this up a little bit and ask ourselves.
You know, do I actually even know what a boundary is? And, um, do I have boundaries for other people in my mind? Or do I have boundaries for myself and for how I plan to respond to another person's? say habits or ways of being.
(04:03):
.999And so let's just dive in and I'll bring a little bit more clarification as I describe some of these points to you.
.999But boundaries, number one, are always for you and they are always about you and how you are going to respond.
.999And so if you have a boundary for yourself, that If somebody is being argumentative, or if somebody is raising their voice, that instead of engaging or cowering or cringing under that experience, that you would be willing to stand up and leave the room and leave the space. 30 00:04:46,624.999 --> 00:04:50,005 And I, and I touched on this a little bit on last week's podcast.
(04:50):
That is a boundary that you have set for yourself.
And how that would be worded is, if this person does X, Y, and Z, then I am going to respond by doing A, B, C.
So it's never about you telling them, you can't yell at me, because actually they can, but you are under no obligation to stay and to listen.
(05:17):
And so you are welcome to stand up and leave, that is something you can do.
And so in my life, an example of a boundary for me is I don't listen to somebody who insists on using a elevated or a loud yelling type voice when they're speaking to me.
(05:41):
I just remove myself from that situation.
Now, sometimes you may think it's really important.
To tell somebody your boundaries and maybe in some cases it is, but I don't know that it is always necessary for you to explain or vocalize your boundary.
(06:04):
And so what I mean by this is that If it's like a big boundary, let's say we have big boundaries and little boundaries in our life, right? And if it is a big boundary for you, like meaning that there's a large or, um, a weighty consequence to someone else's actions that is going to have like a much higher impact on their life and yours, then you may want to communicate with that with them in the first place.
(06:35):
Now, within a marriage, there is an understanding between my husband and I that there is fidelity.
He and I are, are like, I don't have any other men in my life that I am, you know, intimate with and nor does he have women in his life that he is intimate with. 42 00:06:53,459.999 --> 00:06:53,929.999 And so.
That is a, just kind of an understood boundary.
(06:56):
It was in our wedding vows and it is something that each of us respect for one another. 45 00:07:02,854.999 --> 00:07:06,945 And so I don't need to say to him, this is my boundary.
.999If you cheat on me with another woman, I am going to leave.
Now I can say that, but it is kind of something that is probably understood.
(07:18):
However, you may have a boundary around pornography that may be depending on.
What your husband's experience has been in his life, he may not know your position on pornography or not.
And so often these conversations come up, premarital conversations or counseling might have brought up these issues. 51 00:07:39,899.999 --> 00:07:44,859.999 But if they haven't, that might be something well worth having the conversation around. 52 00:07:44,909.999 --> 00:07:51,710 Now that might happen as a result of someone having, you know, brought pornography into your home.
(07:52):
.999And then you go ahead and explain your position on that.
You know, if you bring pornography into our home and continue to, you know, use it as a form of either whatever entertainment or whatever you might call that, then I will consider that a violation of our marriage vows and will, you know, proceed however that is that you choose to say you're going to proceed, whether that means You know, seeking marriage counseling, whether, and, and maybe even it would be grounds for you for separation if you see that as a violation of your marriage, intimacy and fidelity, etc.
(08:33):
And so I think that one may be worth saying out loud to somebody because I don't know that that is always a presumed and understood ground.
And so you can decide on that.
But you would have to, of course, You know, I think like I say in every podcast, we always have to be checking in with the Holy Spirit.
We must let God guide our thoughts and our steps.
(08:58):
And so I think to caution against making that sort of emotional decisions, it's really powerful to have these thoughts and even some of these conversations in advance.
And so that both of you can understand what's going to happen.
If you are a woman who has, um, pursued, uh, close friendships with men, and your husband has, you know, said if you continue that particular relationship and make it a priority in your life over me, then I, you know, he may say that there's going to be a consequence to that because you may be, you know, emotionally transferring And experiencing intimacy with somebody, even though there's no physical or even sexual relationship that may be seen by himself as a violation of your marriage vows, and so he may have a consequence in that case. 62 00:09:59,294.999 --> 00:10:01,275 And so these are boundaries.
(10:01):
That's his boundary and those might be some of your boundaries.
And so these are things worth.
Um, having a conversation around now, when I say that there are little boundaries, they, they may be, you know, really small things like, you know, when your spouse or your kids drop laundry on the floor and it doesn't make it to the laundry basket that you don't pick it up and you don't wash it, or, you know, that doesn't necessarily need to be vocalized.
(10:29):
.999It becomes pretty obvious when all the socks and all the laundry is still laying on the floor and nobody's washing it.
And maybe, I think personally, my boundary wouldn't.
Also include, I don't wash their clothes anyway, but that's another conversation altogether.
Just saying there can be some really little type boundaries in our life and they can be verbalized as well.
But it's not necessary always that you verbalize all of these things as boundaries, as you know, they, they can become pretty self-explanatory over time and there's not the big consequences that we were talking about as in the first example.
(11:04):
And so I think.
It's just interesting to sort of, again, check in with the Lord and see what would be, you know, the loving and caring and peaceful way of managing this.
.999And how can I express that to help my family grow and, and mature in both the responsibilities and their maturity as human beings.
And so we want to always make our boundaries from a place of love.
(11:29):
And so if you have not ever established with somebody.
A boundary, and you have, are finding yourself kind of like seething almost with resentment because they don't know the boundary and they keep crossing into sort of your personal space and your personal, you know, emotional health with some of their words or some of their comments and that sort of thing, and you haven't made it clear to them what some of those things might be, then we haven't been completely honest.
(11:58):
And so, um, I would use the example perhaps of somebody popping by, let's say.
You are somebody who, um, doesn't enjoy when your in laws just pop by and just start knocking on your door.
.999And so that would be worth communicating with them.
.999But we want to do it when we are in a place of not feeling resentful and angry. 81 00:12:19,664.999 --> 00:12:26,725 And so you really want to work that through for yourself and process some of the ideas and the thoughts behind why this has you so angry.
(12:27):
What might be their experience and why they feel so comfortable to come in and just pop in.
Or maybe you're believing that they are sort of stealing time from you.
And so you want to really go through a bit of a coaching process there to get yourself into a place where you're not feeling angry, frustrated, and, and doing things out of resentment, but instead where you bring it, you know, to a place where you are understanding that probably they just want to be close and that they love spending time with you, or they don't understand that popping in isn't okay.
(13:02):
And so when you make a boundary, you always want to be doing it from that place of honesty, of love and respect for both yourselves and for the other human being on the other side so that they can hear your words and understand what you're saying. 86 00:13:17,774.999 --> 00:13:23,165 And I think this is where we get to be really authentic with the people in our lives.
(13:23):
And sometimes expressing a boundary can make us feel vulnerable.
Because we are telling them something about us that may, they may not know, and they may not understand, and that can be uncomfortable for some of us. 89 00:13:37,344.999 --> 00:13:39,365 So, just something to notice.
We also want to make sure that we're not falling into like a people pleasing mode, and so often again, it's a little bit of a lie to always open your door and always say, Oh, it's all fine and good, no matter what you do.
(13:52):
I always love it when you put beret, you know, on.
And you know, it might be midnight on their way, on their way home from a party and they're popping in.
You might, you might not have been completely honest with them.
And then, you know, if you're a homeschooling mom, if you're a person who works from home, that sort of thing, you may want to set up some of these boundaries that just says, listen, I'm going to be working during the hours between nine and five.
(14:16):
And so please don't stop in during these times.
And if you do.
You will notice that my door is locked and I won't be coming to answer the door because I will be already preoccupied with what I'm doing with my schedule during that time.
And so I think that's just true honesty and you really are trusting them to have grace for you and for what you're saying and you're, and you're trusting that they'll understand that you are not doing this as a punishment or as a way of withdrawing from them, but instead just a way of being really honest with them and trusting them that they will have respect for you and for your boundary.
(14:54):
And so this is again, not a way of manipulating and managing them, but a way of managing.
You and your time, and then to say, if you do this, I will do that, right? If you pop by unexpected, I won't come to the door.
And so just practice this and start thinking about what are some of the consequences that you are actually willing to do.
(15:21):
Sometimes we say, if you do this, then I'll do that.
But the I'll do that piece isn't actually anything that you're really willing to do and you're so you're really hoping they won't violate that request.
And so I would really ask you to sit back and think about that.
.999And it's much like when you were raising small children where you didn't make a consequence that you weren't willing to go through with. 106 00:15:46,669.999 --> 00:15:51,880 You want to create a consequence that you are willing to live with and that you will follow through on. 107 00:15:52,539.999 --> 00:16:01,760 When is a boundary not a boundary is when we're not willing to follow through with the consequence, right? And so otherwise it's more of a threat.
(16:02):
And so we don't want to be threatening people.
We want to actually be saying.
This isn't an angry feeling, this isn't a threat, this is just a truth, this is what's going to happen.
If you yell at me, I'm going to leave the room.
If you, you know, raise your voice while we're having a conversation, I'm going to take time out and go for a walk and resume the conversation when I'm prepared to do so.
(16:28):
Notice that if we're making consequences that we're not willing to keep.
Then we are not respecting our own boundaries and other people will not respect them either.
And a little bit, it's kind of a hollow threat and we don't want to be making threats.
And so really carefully consider what your consequences might be.
(16:49):
Let them be whoever they are, because remember, adults get to be whoever it is that they want to be.
They get to do.
What they want to do, you and I, even if this is your spouse, you don't get to tell him or her what she is or isn't allowed to do, they can do what they want.
(17:09):
And so we just have to know what we are willing to do in response to that action that they might take.
And so it's fair, a lot of times, to give them a little warning, or localize what your boundary is, and then follow through and really Very respectful and kind of you to keep your part of the boundary to yourself.
(17:33):
One boundary I think is always an interesting one and, and I, I've done this with my friends and I, and I love this boundary.
My kids know it very well.
.999And that is, I don't wait for anyone.
And so, that may sound really rude, but it really is true.
And I do it from such an honest and sincere place.
(17:54):
And what I mean by this is, is I will wait for somebody.
If we say, Hey, let's meet for coffee, I will absolutely wait for my friend for a set period of time.
But when I'm done waiting, I will leave. 130 00:18:07,34.999 --> 00:18:17,765 And I have not necessarily communicated this to all of my friends and to the ones that I have communicated this to, they actually appreciate it so much.
(18:18):
Even my kids will know, Hey, if I'm more than 15 minutes late.
Mom's probably moved on and gone to the next thing already anyway.
She's not going to sit there and wait and be angry at me.
.999She's going to move on with her day and realize that I either got caught in something I forgot, whatever.
.999And so when I said, I don't wait for anybody is I will set, if we're going to meet somewhere for three o'clock and it's 3.
(18:40):
15 and I haven't seen you, you haven't called me or whatever I'm gone, like, and, and I mean that in the nicest way, it doesn't do any good to be angry or frustrated.
.999And so.
It's never out of anger, frustration, trying to punish the other person.
I try to remain as open and as gracious and as loving as possible while keeping the boundary, while maintaining the consequence that I've promised. 140 00:19:09,839.999 --> 00:19:20,639.999 And so I hope this is something that is beneficial for you in your life and that you can take it in some way, tweak it, play with it, think about it, and decide.
(19:21):
What is a really healthy and useful boundary for you in your life? And you know, I think a life without boundaries can be incredibly painful And I don't believe it's something that is necessary that it doesn't make you more loving It doesn't make you more gracious.
(19:41):
It doesn't help you in your relationships if you're not willing To really take care of yourself and show yourself a certain kind of respect and love by creating these boundaries and then maintaining them for yourself. 143 00:19:58,319.999 --> 00:20:13,840 Other people get to be who they are, they get to do what they do, and you get to do and take care of you in a way that you have decided beforehand, and it really gives us so much.
(20:14):
More, I don't know if the word is control or power, not that we're trying to grab power that isn't ours, but that we can live in the power of, of what is ours.
.999And one of those beautiful things that God has given us is our time and is our own self love and respect to, to live in a way that is an agreement with who he says we are. 146 00:20:39,564.999 --> 00:20:43,345 And so we just want to be living in his power, right? And then his grace.
(20:43):
And be responding in a way that is in keeping with who God is.
If you have any questions, would you hop on email, go into my website there.
.999You'll see, I have an email address there.
It, you can email me at Carrie at CarrieAllenMiersch. 151 00:21:01,634.999 --> 00:21:02,154.999 com.
You can go to my website at mindmanagementforchristianhousewives.
(21:07):
com.
And I would love to hear from you.
I'd love to hear your thoughts.
And God bless you.
Have a great week.
Bye bye. 159 00:21:15,101.0204082 --> 00:21:20,531.0204082 Hey, have you ever wondered what it would be like to have a life coach? You know, one on one. 160 00:21:21,551.0204082 --> 00:21:28,570.9204082 If you head over to my website, you will find a free consultation at kerryalamirsch. 161 00:21:28,571.0204082 --> 00:21:28,941.0204082 com. 162 00:21:29,291.0204082 --> 00:21:40,471.0204082 Just click on the little green link and it will bring you to an opportunity to schedule a one on one appointment where you will meet with me and we will discuss what life coaching might be like for you. 163 00:21:41,181.0204082 --> 00:21:41,801.0204082 Thanks again. 164 00:21:41,801.0204082 --> 00:21:42,981.0204082 I hope you have an amazing week. 165 00:21:43,481.0204082 --> 00:21:43,821.0204082 Bye bye.
Welcome to Mind Management for Christian Housewives, where each week we discuss practical tools to manage your mind and live your life on purpose.
.999My name is Keri Alamirsh and I am your host, life coach, Bible teacher, Christian housewife, and mom.
You ready to do this? Let's go! Hello, and welcome to the podcast.
(00:30):
I am so glad to have you here with me again today.
I'm recording this on a Sunday afternoon slash evening in Alberta, Canada.
And I'm staying with my daughter and her family at their home and really enjoying some very cold minus 20 ish weather.
(00:51):
And so I hope you're warm and cozy wherever you are today.
You'll be listening to this probably on Monday morning or sometime during the week.
And I hope it blesses you in some way, or, you know, maybe it's, uh, just a help, an eye opener or an encouragement to you today, as I want to share with you a little bit about boundaries, what they are and what it means to your life to have boundaries for yourself.
(01:19):
And so, and I do say it that way quite on purpose, I think boundaries are always for us.
They are not for other people.
And so that's maybe where I want to start.
Is just giving you a little bit of a definition or a description of what a boundary is and I think I've in the past thought that a boundary was about me telling somebody else how they could behave or what they should do.
(01:43):
And, and so I resisted having those sorts of boundaries in my life because I don't actually think that that is how I want to live my life, nor is it how I want to instruct other people how to be in my life.
And so I kind of resisted this idea until I learned more about what is a boundary.
(02:04):
.999And what does it mean in my life? And so by, by definition, a boundary is not a set of rules for other people to live by.
It is instead a code of conduct for myself and what I will do.
Myself in reaction to somebody else's actions or words, or, you know, maybe something that they do in their life.
(02:28):
And so my code of conduct for myself and the way that I will choose to respond to somebody else's words, to their actions or to their requests made of me, those are my boundaries.
And so I spend a lot of time thinking about my boundaries in the first place and decided what would constitute the need.
For a boundary, in fact, and I think a lot of times we don't need as many boundaries as we think we do, and I say this because boundaries are really something that we would put in place in a way of maybe taking care of or protecting ourselves from certain situations. 22 00:03:06,19.999 --> 00:03:12,880 And so we often think what it means is how we're going to try to make somebody behave.
(03:13):
.999So then these are the actions we're going to take to get a certain outcome that we want, and that's really a type of manipulation or that is me having a certain manual or code of conduct for somebody else, right, of what I want them to do and how I want them to behave. 24 00:03:30,719.999 --> 00:03:38,760 And so, uh, sometimes people think they can use their boundaries as a way of creating that circumstance in their life.
(03:38):
.999And so I think we really need to kind of shake this up a little bit and ask ourselves.
You know, do I actually even know what a boundary is? And, um, do I have boundaries for other people in my mind? Or do I have boundaries for myself and for how I plan to respond to another person's? say habits or ways of being.
(04:03):
.999And so let's just dive in and I'll bring a little bit more clarification as I describe some of these points to you.
.999But boundaries, number one, are always for you and they are always about you and how you are going to respond.
.999And so if you have a boundary for yourself, that If somebody is being argumentative, or if somebody is raising their voice, that instead of engaging or cowering or cringing under that experience, that you would be willing to stand up and leave the room and leave the space. 30 00:04:46,624.999 --> 00:04:50,005 And I, and I touched on this a little bit on last week's podcast.
(04:50):
That is a boundary that you have set for yourself.
And how that would be worded is, if this person does X, Y, and Z, then I am going to respond by doing A, B, C.
So it's never about you telling them, you can't yell at me, because actually they can, but you are under no obligation to stay and to listen.
(05:17):
And so you are welcome to stand up and leave, that is something you can do.
And so in my life, an example of a boundary for me is I don't listen to somebody who insists on using a elevated or a loud yelling type voice when they're speaking to me.
(05:41):
I just remove myself from that situation.
Now, sometimes you may think it's really important.
To tell somebody your boundaries and maybe in some cases it is, but I don't know that it is always necessary for you to explain or vocalize your boundary.
(06:04):
And so what I mean by this is that If it's like a big boundary, let's say we have big boundaries and little boundaries in our life, right? And if it is a big boundary for you, like meaning that there's a large or, um, a weighty consequence to someone else's actions that is going to have like a much higher impact on their life and yours, then you may want to communicate with that with them in the first place.
(06:35):
Now, within a marriage, there is an understanding between my husband and I that there is fidelity.
He and I are, are like, I don't have any other men in my life that I am, you know, intimate with and nor does he have women in his life that he is intimate with. 42 00:06:53,459.999 --> 00:06:53,929.999 And so.
That is a, just kind of an understood boundary.
(06:56):
It was in our wedding vows and it is something that each of us respect for one another. 45 00:07:02,854.999 --> 00:07:06,945 And so I don't need to say to him, this is my boundary.
.999If you cheat on me with another woman, I am going to leave.
Now I can say that, but it is kind of something that is probably understood.
(07:18):
However, you may have a boundary around pornography that may be depending on.
What your husband's experience has been in his life, he may not know your position on pornography or not.
And so often these conversations come up, premarital conversations or counseling might have brought up these issues. 51 00:07:39,899.999 --> 00:07:44,859.999 But if they haven't, that might be something well worth having the conversation around. 52 00:07:44,909.999 --> 00:07:51,710 Now that might happen as a result of someone having, you know, brought pornography into your home.
(07:52):
.999And then you go ahead and explain your position on that.
You know, if you bring pornography into our home and continue to, you know, use it as a form of either whatever entertainment or whatever you might call that, then I will consider that a violation of our marriage vows and will, you know, proceed however that is that you choose to say you're going to proceed, whether that means You know, seeking marriage counseling, whether, and, and maybe even it would be grounds for you for separation if you see that as a violation of your marriage, intimacy and fidelity, etc.
(08:33):
And so I think that one may be worth saying out loud to somebody because I don't know that that is always a presumed and understood ground.
And so you can decide on that.
But you would have to, of course, You know, I think like I say in every podcast, we always have to be checking in with the Holy Spirit.
We must let God guide our thoughts and our steps.
(08:58):
And so I think to caution against making that sort of emotional decisions, it's really powerful to have these thoughts and even some of these conversations in advance.
And so that both of you can understand what's going to happen.
If you are a woman who has, um, pursued, uh, close friendships with men, and your husband has, you know, said if you continue that particular relationship and make it a priority in your life over me, then I, you know, he may say that there's going to be a consequence to that because you may be, you know, emotionally transferring And experiencing intimacy with somebody, even though there's no physical or even sexual relationship that may be seen by himself as a violation of your marriage vows, and so he may have a consequence in that case. 62 00:09:59,294.999 --> 00:10:01,275 And so these are boundaries.
(10:01):
That's his boundary and those might be some of your boundaries.
And so these are things worth.
Um, having a conversation around now, when I say that there are little boundaries, they, they may be, you know, really small things like, you know, when your spouse or your kids drop laundry on the floor and it doesn't make it to the laundry basket that you don't pick it up and you don't wash it, or, you know, that doesn't necessarily need to be vocalized.
(10:29):
.999It becomes pretty obvious when all the socks and all the laundry is still laying on the floor and nobody's washing it.
And maybe, I think personally, my boundary wouldn't.
Also include, I don't wash their clothes anyway, but that's another conversation altogether.
Just saying there can be some really little type boundaries in our life and they can be verbalized as well.
But it's not necessary always that you verbalize all of these things as boundaries, as you know, they, they can become pretty self-explanatory over time and there's not the big consequences that we were talking about as in the first example.
(11:04):
And so I think.
It's just interesting to sort of, again, check in with the Lord and see what would be, you know, the loving and caring and peaceful way of managing this.
.999And how can I express that to help my family grow and, and mature in both the responsibilities and their maturity as human beings.
And so we want to always make our boundaries from a place of love.
(11:29):
And so if you have not ever established with somebody.
A boundary, and you have, are finding yourself kind of like seething almost with resentment because they don't know the boundary and they keep crossing into sort of your personal space and your personal, you know, emotional health with some of their words or some of their comments and that sort of thing, and you haven't made it clear to them what some of those things might be, then we haven't been completely honest.
(11:58):
And so, um, I would use the example perhaps of somebody popping by, let's say.
You are somebody who, um, doesn't enjoy when your in laws just pop by and just start knocking on your door.
.999And so that would be worth communicating with them.
.999But we want to do it when we are in a place of not feeling resentful and angry. 81 00:12:19,664.999 --> 00:12:26,725 And so you really want to work that through for yourself and process some of the ideas and the thoughts behind why this has you so angry.
(12:27):
What might be their experience and why they feel so comfortable to come in and just pop in.
Or maybe you're believing that they are sort of stealing time from you.
And so you want to really go through a bit of a coaching process there to get yourself into a place where you're not feeling angry, frustrated, and, and doing things out of resentment, but instead where you bring it, you know, to a place where you are understanding that probably they just want to be close and that they love spending time with you, or they don't understand that popping in isn't okay.
(13:02):
And so when you make a boundary, you always want to be doing it from that place of honesty, of love and respect for both yourselves and for the other human being on the other side so that they can hear your words and understand what you're saying. 86 00:13:17,774.999 --> 00:13:23,165 And I think this is where we get to be really authentic with the people in our lives.
(13:23):
And sometimes expressing a boundary can make us feel vulnerable.
Because we are telling them something about us that may, they may not know, and they may not understand, and that can be uncomfortable for some of us. 89 00:13:37,344.999 --> 00:13:39,365 So, just something to notice.
We also want to make sure that we're not falling into like a people pleasing mode, and so often again, it's a little bit of a lie to always open your door and always say, Oh, it's all fine and good, no matter what you do.
(13:52):
I always love it when you put beret, you know, on.
And you know, it might be midnight on their way, on their way home from a party and they're popping in.
You might, you might not have been completely honest with them.
And then, you know, if you're a homeschooling mom, if you're a person who works from home, that sort of thing, you may want to set up some of these boundaries that just says, listen, I'm going to be working during the hours between nine and five.
(14:16):
And so please don't stop in during these times.
And if you do.
You will notice that my door is locked and I won't be coming to answer the door because I will be already preoccupied with what I'm doing with my schedule during that time.
And so I think that's just true honesty and you really are trusting them to have grace for you and for what you're saying and you're, and you're trusting that they'll understand that you are not doing this as a punishment or as a way of withdrawing from them, but instead just a way of being really honest with them and trusting them that they will have respect for you and for your boundary.
(14:54):
And so this is again, not a way of manipulating and managing them, but a way of managing.
You and your time, and then to say, if you do this, I will do that, right? If you pop by unexpected, I won't come to the door.
And so just practice this and start thinking about what are some of the consequences that you are actually willing to do.
(15:21):
Sometimes we say, if you do this, then I'll do that.
But the I'll do that piece isn't actually anything that you're really willing to do and you're so you're really hoping they won't violate that request.
And so I would really ask you to sit back and think about that.
.999And it's much like when you were raising small children where you didn't make a consequence that you weren't willing to go through with. 106 00:15:46,669.999 --> 00:15:51,880 You want to create a consequence that you are willing to live with and that you will follow through on. 107 00:15:52,539.999 --> 00:16:01,760 When is a boundary not a boundary is when we're not willing to follow through with the consequence, right? And so otherwise it's more of a threat.
(16:02):
And so we don't want to be threatening people.
We want to actually be saying.
This isn't an angry feeling, this isn't a threat, this is just a truth, this is what's going to happen.
If you yell at me, I'm going to leave the room.
If you, you know, raise your voice while we're having a conversation, I'm going to take time out and go for a walk and resume the conversation when I'm prepared to do so.
(16:28):
Notice that if we're making consequences that we're not willing to keep.
Then we are not respecting our own boundaries and other people will not respect them either.
And a little bit, it's kind of a hollow threat and we don't want to be making threats.
And so really carefully consider what your consequences might be.
(16:49):
Let them be whoever they are, because remember, adults get to be whoever it is that they want to be.
They get to do.
What they want to do, you and I, even if this is your spouse, you don't get to tell him or her what she is or isn't allowed to do, they can do what they want.
(17:09):
And so we just have to know what we are willing to do in response to that action that they might take.
And so it's fair, a lot of times, to give them a little warning, or localize what your boundary is, and then follow through and really Very respectful and kind of you to keep your part of the boundary to yourself.
(17:33):
One boundary I think is always an interesting one and, and I, I've done this with my friends and I, and I love this boundary.
My kids know it very well.
.999And that is, I don't wait for anyone.
And so, that may sound really rude, but it really is true.
And I do it from such an honest and sincere place.
(17:54):
And what I mean by this is, is I will wait for somebody.
If we say, Hey, let's meet for coffee, I will absolutely wait for my friend for a set period of time.
But when I'm done waiting, I will leave. 130 00:18:07,34.999 --> 00:18:17,765 And I have not necessarily communicated this to all of my friends and to the ones that I have communicated this to, they actually appreciate it so much.
(18:18):
Even my kids will know, Hey, if I'm more than 15 minutes late.
Mom's probably moved on and gone to the next thing already anyway.
She's not going to sit there and wait and be angry at me.
.999She's going to move on with her day and realize that I either got caught in something I forgot, whatever.
.999And so when I said, I don't wait for anybody is I will set, if we're going to meet somewhere for three o'clock and it's 3.
(18:40):
15 and I haven't seen you, you haven't called me or whatever I'm gone, like, and, and I mean that in the nicest way, it doesn't do any good to be angry or frustrated.
.999And so.
It's never out of anger, frustration, trying to punish the other person.
I try to remain as open and as gracious and as loving as possible while keeping the boundary, while maintaining the consequence that I've promised. 140 00:19:09,839.999 --> 00:19:20,639.999 And so I hope this is something that is beneficial for you in your life and that you can take it in some way, tweak it, play with it, think about it, and decide.
(19:21):
What is a really healthy and useful boundary for you in your life? And you know, I think a life without boundaries can be incredibly painful And I don't believe it's something that is necessary that it doesn't make you more loving It doesn't make you more gracious.
(19:41):
It doesn't help you in your relationships if you're not willing To really take care of yourself and show yourself a certain kind of respect and love by creating these boundaries and then maintaining them for yourself. 143 00:19:58,319.999 --> 00:20:13,840 Other people get to be who they are, they get to do what they do, and you get to do and take care of you in a way that you have decided beforehand, and it really gives us so much.
(20:14):
More, I don't know if the word is control or power, not that we're trying to grab power that isn't ours, but that we can live in the power of, of what is ours.
.999And one of those beautiful things that God has given us is our time and is our own self love and respect to, to live in a way that is an agreement with who he says we are. 146 00:20:39,564.999 --> 00:20:43,345 And so we just want to be living in his power, right? And then his grace.
(20:43):
And be responding in a way that is in keeping with who God is.
If you have any questions, would you hop on email, go into my website there.
.999You'll see, I have an email address there.
It, you can email me at Carrie at CarrieAllenMiersch. 151 00:21:01,634.999 --> 00:21:02,154.999 com.
You can go to my website at mindmanagementforchristianhousewives.
(21:07):
com.
And I would love to hear from you.
I'd love to hear your thoughts.
And God bless you.
Have a great week.
Bye bye. 159 00:21:15,101.0204082 --> 00:21:20,531.0204082 Hey, have you ever wondered what it would be like to have a life coach? You know, one on one. 160 00:21:21,551.0204082 --> 00:21:28,570.9204082 If you head over to my website, you will find a free consultation at kerryalamirsch. 161 00:21:28,571.0204082 --> 00:21:28,941.0204082 com. 162 00:21:29,291.0204082 --> 00:21:40,471.0204082 Just click on the little green link and it will bring you to an opportunity to schedule a one on one appointment where you will meet with me and we will discuss what life coaching might be like for you. 163 00:21:41,181.0204082 --> 00:21:41,801.0204082 Thanks again. 164 00:21:41,801.0204082 --> 00:21:42,981.0204082 I hope you have an amazing week. 165 00:21:43,481.0204082 --> 00:21:43,821.0204082 Bye bye.
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