In today’s deeply personal episode, Patricia explores the emotional toll of the “pleaser saboteur”, a self-sabotaging behaviour rooted in the fear of rejection, unmet childhood needs, and a relentless desire to be accepted by others.
Drawing from both her own transformation journey and a poetic story inspired by the heartbreaking story of a friend’s experience with coercive control, Patricia shares insights into how empathy, when left unchecked, can lead to burnout, emotional manipulation, and the loss of self-identity.
In this episode Patricia uncovers:
- How unconscious saboteur patterns like the pleaser and controller can trap us in unhealthy dynamics.
- Why self-love is not selfish, but essential, to our wellbeing and happiness.
- The danger of attachment disguised as love, and how to spot it.
- Why mental fitness and frameworks like Positive Intelligence help build resilience.
- How to set boundaries that protect your well-being and still honour your capacity to love.
The words of wisdom that run through all of Patricia’s podcast episodes, “You wouldn’t sabotage someone you truly loved. And you wouldn’t self-sabotage if you truly loved yourself.”
Join Patricia on a journey from self-abandonment to self-mastery, from self sabotage to self care, with reflections from thought leaders like Gabor Maté, Brené Brown, Carl Jung, and more.
Powerful Quotes from the Episode:
- “You wouldn’t sabotage someone you truly loved. And you wouldn’t self-sabotage if you truly loved yourself.” Patricia Ahern
- “The power is not in whether we say yes or no; the power is in our conscious capacity to choose.” Patricia Ahern
- “My love is unconditional. But my presence is not.”
- “It is not others’ responsibility to think of me; it is my own.” Patricia Ahern
- “Being in the wrong relationship can be detrimental to your health.” — Gabor Maté
- “Mastering others is strength. Mastering yourself is true power.” — Lao Tzu
- “The near enemy of love is attachment.” — Brené Brown
- “Before you heal someone, ask him if he's willing to give up the things that make him sick.” — Hippocrates
- “I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make others happy because they know what it feels like to feel absolutely worthless.” — Robin Williams
- “Empaths fall in love with those destroying them—not out of weakness, but because they are unconsciously seduced by the other’s wounds.” — Carl Jung
References and Mentions:
- Gabor Maté – Expert in trauma, addiction, and mind-body health
- Brené Brown – Researcher on vulnerability, shame, and wholehearted living
- Lao Tzu – Ancient Chinese philosopher
- Carl Jung – Swiss psychiatrist and psychoanalyst
- Robin Williams – Quoted on the pain behind people-pleasing
- Paul Brunson – Relationship coach (conversation with Gabor Maté)
- Hippocrates – On true healing and personal responsibility
- Positive Intelligence by Shirzad Chamine – Framework of saboteurs and Sage mindset
- Serious Crime Act 2015 (UK) – Legal recognition of coercive control as abuse
RECOMMENDED BOOKS - if you are dealing with highly controlling or narcissistic behaviour
- Why Does He Do That - by Lundy Bancrofts - inside the minds of angry and controlling men
- The Empath’s Survival Guide - Life strategies for sensitive people - by Judith Orloff
- Toxic Magnetism - How and Why Empaths attract Narcissists by Kara Lawrence
- Will I Ever Be Good Enough? - Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Karyl McBride
- Maybe You Should Talk To Someone - by Lori Gottlieb
- Adult Children Of Emotionally Immature Parents - How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting Or Self-Involved Parents by Lindsay Gibson.
- Daring greatly - How The Courage To Be Vulnerable Transfers The Way We Live, Love Parent and Lead by Brene brown
Takeaway Message:
This episode is a heart-centered call to action for empaths, caregivers, and people-pleasers to turn their nurturing inward. Self-love is the foundation from which all healthy relationships are built. The journey may be challenging, but it’s the only one that leads to freedom, wholeness, and authentic connection, with yourself and others.
Highlights:
- Pleaser saboteur
- Self-sabotage behaviours
- Coercive control in relationships
- Empaths and narcissists
- Mental fitness coaching
- Positive Intelligence saboteurs
- Healing childhood wounds
- Setting emotional boundaries
- Unmet emotional needs
- Emotional burnout recovery
- Self-love and empowerment
- Narcissistic abuse awareness
- Emotional manipulation
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
The Burden
The Burden is a documentary series that takes listeners into the hidden places where justice is done (and undone). It dives deep into the lives of heroes and villains. And it focuses a spotlight on those who triumph even when the odds are against them. Season 5 - The Burden: Death & Deceit in Alliance On April Fools Day 1999, 26-year-old Yvonne Layne was found murdered in her Alliance, Ohio home. David Thorne, her ex-boyfriend and father of one of her children, was instantly a suspect. Another young man admitted to the murder, and David breathed a sigh of relief, until the confessed murderer fingered David; “He paid me to do it.” David was sentenced to life without parole. Two decades later, Pulitzer winner and podcast host, Maggie Freleng (Bone Valley Season 3: Graves County, Wrongful Conviction, Suave) launched a “live” investigation into David's conviction alongside Jason Baldwin (himself wrongfully convicted as a member of the West Memphis Three). Maggie had come to believe that the entire investigation of David was botched by the tiny local police department, or worse, covered up the real killer. Was Maggie correct? Was David’s claim of innocence credible? In Death and Deceit in Alliance, Maggie recounts the case that launched her career, and ultimately, “broke” her.” The results will shock the listener and reduce Maggie to tears and self-doubt. This is not your typical wrongful conviction story. In fact, it turns the genre on its head. It asks the question: What if our champions are foolish? Season 4 - The Burden: Get the Money and Run “Trying to murder my father, this was the thing that put me on the path.” That’s Joe Loya and that path was bank robbery. Bank, bank, bank, bank, bank. In season 4 of The Burden: Get the Money and Run, we hear from Joe who was once the most prolific bank robber in Southern California, and beyond. He used disguises, body doubles, proxies. He leaped over counters, grabbed the money and ran. Even as the FBI was closing in. It was a showdown between a daring bank robber, and a patient FBI agent. Joe was no ordinary bank robber. He was bright, articulate, charismatic, and driven by a dark rage that he summoned up at will. In seven episodes, Joe tells all: the what, the how… and the why. Including why he tried to murder his father. Season 3 - The Burden: Avenger Miriam Lewin is one of Argentina’s leading journalists today. At 19 years old, she was kidnapped off the streets of Buenos Aires for her political activism and thrown into a concentration camp. Thousands of her fellow inmates were executed, tossed alive from a cargo plane into the ocean. Miriam, along with a handful of others, will survive the camp. Then as a journalist, she will wage a decades long campaign to bring her tormentors to justice. Avenger is about one woman’s triumphant battle against unbelievable odds to survive torture, claim justice for the crimes done against her and others like her, and change the future of her country. Season 2 - The Burden: Empire on Blood Empire on Blood is set in the Bronx, NY, in the early 90s, when two young drug dealers ruled an intersection known as “The Corner on Blood.” The boss, Calvin Buari, lived large. He and a protege swore they would build an empire on blood. Then the relationship frayed and the protege accused Calvin of a double homicide which he claimed he didn’t do. But did he? Award-winning journalist Steve Fishman spent seven years to answer that question. This is the story of one man’s last chance to overturn his life sentence. He may prevail, but someone’s gotta pay. The Burden: Empire on Blood is the director’s cut of the true crime classic which reached #1 on the charts when it was first released half a dozen years ago. Season 1 - The Burden In the 1990s, Detective Louis N. Scarcella was legendary. In a city overrun by violent crime, he cracked the toughest cases and put away the worst criminals. “The Hulk” was his nickname. Then the story changed. Scarcella ran into a group of convicted murderers who all say they are innocent. They turned themselves into jailhouse-lawyers and in prison founded a lway firm. When they realized Scarcella helped put many of them away, they set their sights on taking him down. And with the help of a NY Times reporter they have a chance. For years, Scarcella insisted he did nothing wrong. But that’s all he’d say. Until we tracked Scarcella to a sauna in a Russian bathhouse, where he started to talk..and talk and talk. “The guilty have gone free,” he whispered. And then agreed to take us into the belly of the beast. Welcome to The Burden.