June 18, 2024 • 33 mins
Welcome to the latest episode of the One Set of Footprints podcast. In this deeply moving episode, we speak with Amber Gilley about her harrowing experience with domestic abuse. Amber shares her journey from the initial stages of her relationship, through the manipulation and control she endured, to the brave steps she took to reclaim her life. Tune in to hear her powerful story of resilience and hope.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:19):
Hey Amber, welcome to One Set of Footprints podcast, thank you for coming along.
Hi, thanks for having me.
So let's start at the beginning. How did you meet yourself?
I just met him through friends. I got asked to come out with a group of friends,
and he was there, and yeah, they introduced me to him.
(00:40):
Was it love at first sight, and what was it like when you first met?
It definitely wasn't love at first sight.
I was instantly attracted to him and was interested to know a little bit more about him.
So, yeah, there was initially an attraction that I definitely wouldn't say I
(01:01):
met and regret, oh, my God, I'm in love with this guy.
To be honest, when we first met, he was probably the biggest gentleman I'd ever met.
Well, at the time, anyway, obviously, not that I'm with you,
it's a bit different. But yeah, at the time, to me, he was the softest person,
the most gentlemanliest person.
(01:24):
He was just really kind, caring, very considerate and almost like instantly
protective of me, which I found quite alluring, I guess is the right word to use for that age.
How long was it before you basically dated him?
It wasn't really that long I'd probably only known him for about Two, three weeks I would say,
(01:49):
Because it wasn't really long before my Birthday, so that's the day we actually
put together Was my 17th birthday And yeah, probably only Two or three weeks
I had some meeting him To when we were like officially A couple,
Well that's cute How was your relationship at the start And how did it start,
(02:11):
Well, I wouldn't really classify it as cute, knowing what I'm put down for this.
But to be honest, I really thought like I'd met my person that I was probably
going to spend the rest of my life with that time.
And obviously I was young, I was 17.
So a little bit naive, I guess. But he just made me feel so wanted in a way
(02:36):
that I'd never thought was, you know, it's just shit you see in the films.
You don't ever expect someone to like genuinely want you that much,
I don't expect someone to, like, genuinely want you that much.
But it was also very manipulative from the get-go.
I didn't realise it at the time, but he was already, like, forming those cracks
(03:00):
between, like, me and my parents and me and my friends, constantly feeding me these lies.
But I believed him. Every word he told me was 100% the truth.
He shielded me very quickly I think we'd
only been together a couple of weeks and he said somebody else had me so convinced
(03:21):
that it definitely wasn't his fault it was definitely this other girl's fault
and so yeah she gave to him really really quickly it was very very intense from
the get go Do you see any conscripts between,
you and your family and friends how did you do this?
He would just leave me alone when I think
(03:43):
really played into my teenage naivety I
mean all teenagers want more
freedom you know time out of home we
all want to be allowed out later than we are and I grew up in quite a family
household where the rules were the rules if I was admitted I was grounded for
a few days and it was very much you do it to order for one of the rules and it never was never an.
(04:09):
Issue obviously growing up it was just how life was
we were disciplined in the
way we had rules to follow if we didn't follow the rules
then we would get grounded or we would lose the privilege
it was things like that so he would just feed into that
and he would tell me that i'm
like a strong and independent woman so how could i
(04:31):
let these people control my life and not let
me live my life and do the things i want to do
and with my sons it would be a
case of he would tell me that he'd heard like rumors
that they were spreading about me and saying this
really really a thing was people
like oh so and so i said that you're
(04:54):
you're this or you're not but i kind of don't like to think of like a general
like specific thing here because i've got my friends but with my I saw my leaders
and it was a case of they're controlling you they're stopping you from being
a woman they're stopping you from living your life and doing anything you want to do in your life,
they're holding you back but again,
(05:15):
it was young and I really believed him really quickly.
Yeah, incredibly re-inverted to a new me and my mum single mum for the first
six years of my life, me and my mum I've always raised her as my best friend.
I, well as you know, I used to dance, and I was the one who really got me into that.
(05:40):
And so we used to do that pretty much every night I was at school,
when I was younger. Thank you.
But yeah, so we were really, really close.
And yeah, like I said, like yeah, it was a strict household,
but that was just the rules.
He did what he was told, and that was fair enough, and I got a lot of respect
for my mum. I say my septuagint, but I'm not sure.
(06:03):
A lot of us have a son growing up. We need to have a re-use of this.
So you're going to see him, you're going to see him. Yes, but he made it so that it was my decision.
So it was a few weeks.
I think we'd been together for about three or four weeks, me and my mum.
(06:24):
My mum was actually most likely starting to argue constantly.
I was constantly calling her names, was telling her that
she was controlling me she was trying to
force me to live under like and then
eventually we had a huge argument and I said all sorts of really disgusting
things which I don't say very now but all sorts of really horrible things and
(06:48):
she kicked me out and so to me I was like well I'm not going to speak to them
because they're majorly homeless essentially,
So, I would say yeah, it was his manipulation that caused that,
but at the time, to me, it was my decision. I was standing up to rise to the top.
When you got kicked out, where did you go? So I was 17, I wasn't going to have
(07:13):
a chance on my 16th birthday, and I was
So I think that weekend I stayed with Ryan at his house, but his mum was like,
you know, this is an apartment thing, so it's the weekend, I need to find somewhere else to live.
And so I went and stayed with one of my aunts, and I stayed there for a long month.
(07:33):
And then, for me, I've always seemed to say, we should not have time.
The energy used to go into that, so I came back to my mum to live with my daughter.
We went and stayed with one of his friends at Sheldon's in Plymouth and then
eventually we got our own room in our shared house.
Wait, how did you leave the mean room? Did you leave the same place?
(07:58):
I didn't think of it exactly because we were staying in the same room as his
friend for a good few weeks,
probably like five, six weeks we ended up staying with him and then And when
we went into our own room, that's when it kind of came.
And it started off as small verbal things.
(08:21):
He pushed me. We had an argument all night and he pushed me.
And I was like, don't panic.
But, you know, it was laid down at all. People came bursting in,
took him out on their free tubs. They'd taken him out.
It was like, you know, it was just an argument. He just pushed him to me and
I said over. It wasn't a big thing.
It's probably only two or three days after that was when he first actually hit me.
(08:47):
What do you mean by self-defense?
What do you mean by self-defense? Did you look like you said the first time
he hit you? So did you hit him fast?
Or did he just randomly out of the blue hit you? Was it an argument?
And who did he first hit you? So... I don't know what to do with this.
(09:08):
I'm fine. I should... Okay.
Okay. Um, so...
He would get really drunk and really hurry. He would always see you.
This was from the very first time. He would put his music on and turn it up.
And then he would just... His stories were kind of going funny.
Like, I wouldn't say they weren't like some people said about people,
but you could just see in his eyes that something was wrong.
(09:31):
And the solicitor was just like, what's wrong?
And he just literally just went and threw me on the bed, turned me over so I
was safe still, and then he just started punching me in the back.
So what's he doing forever?
And yeah, that's how it went up, and everything was on him after that.
You say hi, what do you mean? So he was taking a feed, that's why this progressed on.
(09:55):
So more and more feeds, more and more, and then I did hear from a couple of
his friends that he also voted for the win, although I cannot confirm that he
did. But yeah, that's why he was feeding.
How many weeks did he have you seen him for? So, from then on,
he went to prison for about, at a point it would have been probably like seven months, I think.
(10:22):
And also I was quite lucky because he went to prison for an unrelated offence.
So I managed to cut him away.
She used to play and stay messy while in prison, but she used to continue learning from an inside person.
Yeah, no, we didn't split up really. I stayed with him for three months.
So not a overly long time, but he was still controlling me from prison.
(10:48):
On my 18th birthday, I was living with his mum.
Because when he went to prison, I mean, it's not what it's not.
I don't want to stay with his mum forever.
And I was living with his mum in the pub right before I went.
And she had asked me if I wanted food to the pub that night,
so I went to the pub with my mum today.
No, no, she didn't ask me, sorry. No, he called me and asked me what I was doing
(11:10):
before my bath today. And I said nothing.
I'm just going to stay in. I have no plans. And then when he spoke to his mum,
she said that she was taking me to the pub for my birthday to celebrate.
And then when I got back on the phone, he was furious, so angry.
Why did you want to tell him that that was the plan and then I said to her I literally didn't know,
(11:30):
until now like your mum has just said but like don't worry I'm not gonna go it's fine,
which means you in a bright level know how I die and my mum's invited you out
so obviously you had to go if I'm out and that's just rude else so yeah it was
definitely so very much a throwback the sword like which friends I was allowed
to speak to which was only one because apparently if I slept with any of my
(11:52):
other friends or like met up with any of my friends and they would turn me,
turn me against him and get me to stick around and get me to drink and they
would ruin my life so I had to leave for a while.
Did you first imagine that you were going to prison and put your hand to the e-gay's hand?
A day of jail I went up and I think I was about to go to prison.
(12:17):
Three, four, four times I lived with him, and he went to Portland Prison. What was it like for you?
The first time I was forced to retire, I was really nervous.
I mean, I went with this mum, and his mum was a very abusive woman,
so it was a bit of an awkward situation, because I couldn't really speak to him.
(12:42):
I didn't really sense what was going on, I guess.
I think it was just scary because it was something that I'd never experienced
before. I didn't know what to expect.
So then, you know, walking in to the prison, you know, you've got the dogs sniffing you.
Go in singly, get the dogs to sniff you, sniff your bag. And then you go through
(13:06):
and you've got to take off your shoes.
And then you get someone to, like, search you. to search your bag and like to
me it was quite an overwhelming experience and it was quite,
scary I guess you know it was still so young didn't
know what to expect and then you walk into this room with all these criminals
(13:27):
around and obviously you've got no idea what any of these other people are in
there for I mean he was in there for quite a while and they cried and robbed
somebody's house or broken someone's house and burgled them and he like beat
someone up and robbed him on the street.
So that's quite a violent act in itself, let alone what all these other people are doing.
So that was quite intimidating, walking around, knowing that there's probably
people here that have done some seriously horrible stuff.
(13:50):
And they're all looking at you as you walk in. So yeah, it wasn't the most pleasant
experience the first time.
The second time wasn't too bad. I went with a friend because...
My brother was inside, so I went to know my mum, which was not a good thing.
And then the third time I was trying to find some of my own,
(14:11):
on a train, and I had to wait, like, three hours from getting off the train
to go and see him because of a strange thing.
So I just kind of stood around in Weymouth, and then I had to walk from Weymouth to, like, Portland.
And then, no idea what the office, like, fortune thing was now done.
I phoned the people for directions. It was just, yeah, an ordeal.
(14:35):
Um it was the institution i've said it was the final time that i was meant to
go and visit him i left him as i didn't visit him that time so i was really i'm talking,
myself there is a lot of people in there here who had fake crimes.
There were three offenders from the,
(15:00):
1816 to 1923, I think. I don't see any of them now.
But there are some offenders that they can be really intimidating,
as you can understand. I don't know.
(15:25):
So, I didn't know that.
So, we knew that was another race that he was also in prison.
He cannot specifically get as many, but one day he'll sing well.
And so, if I'm going to start, what if we need to start?
He just let me. He did give me. And I also believe that we were in love.
(15:48):
Obviously I know that we weren't in love I definitely wasn't in love with him I was terrified,
I was scared and one of
the hardest things to do when you are
in a relationship is to leave
because they make you believe that the only person you have in the whole world
(16:08):
is them that's why I did reconnect with my mum and my dad one of my friends
when I came along and a couple that lived in the shared house and,
you know, he didn't know about any of this, but I did do, like,
actually see some of my friends and have a little bit of advice.
(16:31):
But no matter how much I saw them or I spoke to them, you still,
it's hard to believe that those people actually love you, you know.
You still believe that the only person in the whole planet that is ever going
to love you is ever going to care about you.
And I truly believed that for a long time. And even after I left him,
still for a long time, I had so much fear of other people because I still believe
(16:56):
the only person on the planet that can actually care about me or love me or
accept me in any kind of way was him.
So, yeah, that's why I didn't leave.
What finally made you leave him? I'd
have seen a couple that lived in this house with me
because but except that they were obviously there during the abuse and were
(17:16):
both aware of it about what was going on they were kind of you know at the same
time he wasn't in the house I would kind of sneak out of our bedroom and go
and speak to them especially the women who were also in the British because
they were in some peace unfortunately he's no longer with us,
but they just really really pushed my,
(17:36):
self-esteem which like,
overly pushed the fact that I was a clutch and he didn't love me,
he just controlled me, because he could, I guess, you know.
And I don't mean because I've enrolled him, really, but it's just,
it's hard to explain, but that is who he is.
But yeah, they really made me, like, solely believe that actually other people
(18:00):
would be interested in me, and I'm not just talking about other men or other relationships,
but me, like, even, like, my friends, they were interested in what I had to
say they wanted to see me and you know they loved me, my family loved me and yeah they just kept.
Reiterating it to me, kept repeating it to me and eventually I did start to
(18:23):
believe it and did start to understand that actually,
this isn't what I want I don't want to spend my life in fear of you know,
oh dear there's a lot of dirt on the floor I'm not going to be able to do that
Or, oh no, I went and bought something without his permission.
I'm going to get beat up for that. Or, oh no, someone looked at me.
(18:44):
I'm going to get beat up for that.
Like, just loads of things made me realise that I didn't deserve or have to
spend my life like that anymore.
So, yeah, that was really what personally did I achieve.
Sorry, Minutes. Am I going to get really well? Are you allowed to put your own property on there?
Oh no, at the moment it wasn't my money. so we had a joint that was job seen
(19:06):
as work then and I think because I was in 18 it was employee when I went strong
four years and I was in the first court when I was younger so we had a joint claim.
Our money was his money that i didn't even have my bank card for the whole of our relationship like,
he had that he had the pin i can't even
tell you what the pin was so i can't work to be honest with you so if
(19:29):
whenever the money would be sent to us
to go into our account we would wake up if we
weren't already awake like two o'clock in the morning to go
to the atm so just if it was in and if it
wasn't we'd be it doesn't fall for every 10 minutes until
it was in and yeah he would with all that money and
that money was his money so that's the four he wanted to spend it
(19:50):
so if that was on drugs then that's what was bought if it was on drinks
that's what was bought i wasn't actually
able to have any of the money there were times when like if he did want food
he would give me some of it so he's going to give food or you know watch things
in charge of toothpaste that kind
(20:10):
of stuff but yeah my own things i wasn't allowed to buy anything you know,
I had really old clothes that were so big for me because we lived at eight so
I lost a lot of weight during our relationship so all of my clothes were so
big for me and most of the time I would be wearing,
you know, frikis and chaise jumpers so...
(20:30):
But yeah, I wasn't doing a lot of special order at all.
I used to cater the Debenhams in town.
And I'm just talking to him about, like, with toilet roll, because that was
an unnecessary expense for the money it could be used to drive.
So, yeah, I was satisfied with anything. But I support.
Apart from cats, that's the only thing I'm so much proud of,
because it was, like, my own thing.
(20:51):
Yeah, I know, but Grace, that was the only thing I was ever allowed to buy.
Of course, don't tell me about the fish. If you're swearing about,
like, the people you look at, you're not going to feed. What do you mean by this?
So if anybody, like if I had caught anybody looking at me, you know,
guys looking at me, left me out or anything like that, that would be my fault because I was obviously,
(21:18):
trying to get them to look at me and like I just said a second ago.
So you don't do what I do, just jump your butt in it?
No, absolutely not.
No, Christ, if anybody looked at me, I would be in big trouble.
And nine times out of ten I'd be like, pretty much all the time I wouldn't know
because I wouldn't be looking at anyone,
you know, if we were out and about together I would be looking at the store
(21:41):
the whole time or at home at like the bus timetable or the price of what we
were getting and never made friends with anybody else
and yeah, and other times he'd call people looking at me and he would,
yeah, we'd get really, really angry and he'd accuse me of cheating on him,
They have accused me of showing myself off for attention and things like that.
(22:06):
There was one time, this friend was staying with them, and I was wearing a pair
of shorts whilst I was doing some cleaning in the room, and then I said to him,
I'm going to go for a shower. I went for a shower.
Once I was in the shower, he'd come in the bathroom, and he was furious,
and I was like, no, what's the matter?
What's been happened? And he was like, no, you're an asshole. I don't know why. What?
(22:29):
And apparently his friend had made a comment about my legs, that I had nice
legs, that he was lucky that he got something all wrapped around him.
Which, you know, Thank you. Yeah, that's the thing.
His friend said that I had nice legs and he was lucky that he got a bra.
I'm too sorry. You made me jump at my last one.
(22:50):
I'm sorry. But yeah, so his friend had made a comment about my legs,
that I had nice legs, he was lucky that he got them wrapped around my gym.
And so then I was told I will sign
up to a short discovery and if he ever caught me with my
left arm I would be in trouble because I
was obviously trying to chill out with his friend bearing in
mind whilst this friend stayed with us the only kind
(23:12):
of contact I had would be if he asked me a question and I would look at Ryan
and be like can I answer this question and the answer would always be like something
really stupid like you know do you want me to make you a cup of tea I mean I
don't drink tea anyway but it would be, yeah, that'd be lovely.
But I can say, oh, because if I said that, then I'm flagging with him,
(23:33):
so it'd be all right. No, thank you.
Because if I'm allowing him to do the same thing for me, then I'm flagging with
him, or I'm giving him a dungeon, and I'm asking him for a dungeon.
So yeah, that's what I was.
So how did you feel you managed to encourage this girl? I mean, how did you set up?
So like I said earlier, Rich and Camara, the couple that lived at the house
(23:56):
that we were living in, they spent time pitching me up and boosting my self-esteem.
I was attending college, so obviously we weren't much present,
so we weren't on a joint plane anymore.
And I was 18, so I couldn't claim it in JobSeekers. I had to go to like a college
course, and I could get into work saying I had to do CDs, all that kind of rubbish.
(24:17):
And there was a boy there and he
gave me a cigarette right outside
and I was on the phone to
one of my friends saying that I was so annoyed because I just wanted a track
and when I was on the phone he was like I can give you a track and I was like
oh yeah that would be great and we were just being on course saying you know
(24:39):
it was kind of interesting to hear what people's backgrounds and what jobs other
people had done and he himself had done like a fishing thing.
He used to be a fisherman or something. Or a boat or something like that.
And, yeah, I just left the ship and that was that. And...
It made me feel so nice just to run and go to some random person.
(25:02):
I didn't even know that he was a guy at the time. It was just a talk with somebody
just about something so normal.
And it was just so nice to not talk about Ryan and talk about my ex.
And what it's like now and stuff.
So yeah, it was just very nice. And I told Richard Carr about it.
(25:22):
And then I called me and said, I'm going to go play in the States. he's nice but I
had honestly a story of him every week when I waxed his
course for a while and every week he
would roll two fags when I went on my lunch break
and give me one even though I was like where's this kind
of picking up a routine thing and I
started to really like him I seem to
(25:43):
always give you fags no I think
it was I think it was just something was nice to me like
this was the first time in a long time that there was a bloke joke
on my age just being nice
to me so no real reason need
to have any need to be kind so you
don't have any need to you know yeah give me something you don't have any need
(26:05):
for anything and I said to Richard Carr what like I actually quite liked him
and she was like oh why don't you why don't you like get hold of him and I was
like no I can't get hold of him I'm with Ryan And she was like,
and he's, are you a word or not good to me?
But he's a few choice of words. And you deserve to be much better.
(26:26):
And at the end of the day, this boy might not be someone that you're going to be with.
But why don't you just chat to him? Why don't you have a friend?
This guy. So yeah, I guess you're right. Okay.
And so we went on Facebook.
I found him on Facebook. and I sent him a phone request and my message and it
(26:46):
was just kind of, hey, how you doing?
He messaged me back pretty quickly. And yeah, we just took it for a few days.
I'm not saying really, you know, maybe I was just joking. Maybe I was just joking
about like some of the people that were on the course that were like clearly
just there to get their money.
I wouldn't even say it was fancy. It wasn't even fancy.
(27:08):
It was, it was generally just, like, how are you doing?
Like how did you find the course that we were on what
did you think of the teacher that was there what did you think of the other
people within yeah and we were you know for a very few days and then Clara I
was staying at her's originally and she said to me why don't you just invite
(27:28):
me over and I went why would I invite him over you know which is the,
picture what do you think i think it's just someone that i'm talking to you having.
And she was like well i think he likes
you and i thought how can you say that how can you say that he likes me
we've literally just been talking about this course we can do it
(27:50):
like that's a bit weird and it's also
a case of how the hell could i invite this
guy over i'm in a relationship with Ryan
even though I knew that I needed to leave it
was a scary thought so I was like no I'm definitely
not inviting him over and yeah this fun continues for ages and eventually I
(28:10):
was like you're not fine then I'll invite him around so I did ask if he wanted
to meet up and he was like yeah that'd be great where are you I'll come to you
so he drew my exam we all just again it was a show so we just in a bedroom.
Cara went to her bed. We were just on our sofa, just watching Danny, just having a laugh.
(28:31):
And then it turns to like 11 at night and Cara's like, look,
I'm tired. I'm going to sleep. And I'm like, yeah, same.
And then she turned to him and was like, look, I don't mind you staying this late.
I don't really want you walking back on your own. And so he was like, yeah, that's cool.
I'll sleep on the floor. I stayed on the sofa
(28:52):
for her and I just couldn't sleep I was so aware that there was some guy in
my house that I think I knew at that point that I didn't actually quite like
him and we were quite bad at messaging each other and he was like no if you're
not comfortable on the sofa why don't you just come and get in here with me it's not comfy,
he'd made like a little bed on the floor with blankets and pillows and stuff
(29:15):
and I was like yeah okay but you know.
Nothing's gonna happen so yeah I did I just laid there I was here but we were
just chatting for a while and then we went out into like the garden and we were
just chatting out there.
I went back and then I started to see them. I woke up probably a few hours later
and he was my age and he was like stroking my back and I was like, what are you doing?
(29:39):
And he was like, oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to, you know,
make you feel any kind of way. I'm really sorry. I'm sorry. I don't know.
You know, if they leave if you want and I was like no it's
it's just strange someone being nice
to me I guess I mean that's why and I was like
look I don't want this so we
chatted for a bit longer and then one thing led to another and then I don't
(30:02):
sleep with him and that's what happened I literally freaked out was crying he
was like oh my god are you okay I'm so sorry and I was like look this is not
your fault, this has nothing to do with you.
Um, but like, that shouldn't have happened.
And, yeah, I told Cara what happened, and she was literally buzzing.
(30:26):
I was like, oh my god, thank god, like, now you can see some people who are
actually really nice, and,
be kind to you and yeah you can actually be liked and loved and appreciated and,
Brian phoned me that night and I was like should we turn around to him and I
said guess what I did this morning and he was like yeah what's that I mean I fucked someone else,
(30:51):
and he was fuming on fame and
for the first time I wasn't scared I
was just like yep I did it proud out um i
was like panicking and i've had a visit in order to go to the scene the week
after which i still went to and when i went to that visit he was like look i
(31:15):
hate you for what you've done but i love you i will forgive you we can stay together and i lived.
With him still was like yeah we are together i'm sorry i will never do anything
like that again but then later that day he gave me a call and i was like no
this is someone i'm not staying with you i don't want to be with you i'm happy
about what i did don't contact me again and yeah that,
(31:37):
was that did you remember when we go i had a letter yeah i don't even remember
if i'm like after it was but yeah i had a letter off event i didn't even read
it i knew it was from the president instantly so i i literally just ripped it
up put it straight in the bin so i don't know what it said, just don't know anything about it.
(31:57):
And then he said, when he got released from prison, this is when me and you first got together.
He sent me a message on Messenger just saying he never loves me.
And then I, he'd obviously made like a new face since I've long sold one,
so I brought that one and I've been doing this ever since then.
So yeah, that was the last time I ever heard from him. He's a big bitch.
(32:26):
Next scene, we're going to show the casting, the effects, and the relationship,
and when all the effects are out, it's just basically for the fans,
the effects are out, so we're going to try and stick to that.
I'm going to say thank you to Amber for coming in our podcast.
(32:51):
I'm sure we'll dive a bit deeper next time.
Say bye bye. Say bye bye. Say bye.
(33:17):
My garden shed is bigger than this It's got a door and a window My garden shed is bigger than this.
Hey Amber, welcome to One Set of Footprints podcast, thank you for coming along.
Hi, thanks for having me.
So let's start at the beginning. How did you meet yourself?
I just met him through friends. I got asked to come out with a group of friends,
and he was there, and yeah, they introduced me to him.
(00:40):
Was it love at first sight, and what was it like when you first met?
It definitely wasn't love at first sight.
I was instantly attracted to him and was interested to know a little bit more about him.
So, yeah, there was initially an attraction that I definitely wouldn't say I
(01:01):
met and regret, oh, my God, I'm in love with this guy.
To be honest, when we first met, he was probably the biggest gentleman I'd ever met.
Well, at the time, anyway, obviously, not that I'm with you,
it's a bit different. But yeah, at the time, to me, he was the softest person,
the most gentlemanliest person.
(01:24):
He was just really kind, caring, very considerate and almost like instantly
protective of me, which I found quite alluring, I guess is the right word to use for that age.
How long was it before you basically dated him?
It wasn't really that long I'd probably only known him for about Two, three weeks I would say,
(01:49):
Because it wasn't really long before my Birthday, so that's the day we actually
put together Was my 17th birthday And yeah, probably only Two or three weeks
I had some meeting him To when we were like officially A couple,
Well that's cute How was your relationship at the start And how did it start,
(02:11):
Well, I wouldn't really classify it as cute, knowing what I'm put down for this.
But to be honest, I really thought like I'd met my person that I was probably
going to spend the rest of my life with that time.
And obviously I was young, I was 17.
So a little bit naive, I guess. But he just made me feel so wanted in a way
(02:36):
that I'd never thought was, you know, it's just shit you see in the films.
You don't ever expect someone to like genuinely want you that much,
I don't expect someone to, like, genuinely want you that much.
But it was also very manipulative from the get-go.
I didn't realise it at the time, but he was already, like, forming those cracks
(03:00):
between, like, me and my parents and me and my friends, constantly feeding me these lies.
But I believed him. Every word he told me was 100% the truth.
He shielded me very quickly I think we'd
only been together a couple of weeks and he said somebody else had me so convinced
(03:21):
that it definitely wasn't his fault it was definitely this other girl's fault
and so yeah she gave to him really really quickly it was very very intense from
the get go Do you see any conscripts between,
you and your family and friends how did you do this?
He would just leave me alone when I think
(03:43):
really played into my teenage naivety I
mean all teenagers want more
freedom you know time out of home we
all want to be allowed out later than we are and I grew up in quite a family
household where the rules were the rules if I was admitted I was grounded for
a few days and it was very much you do it to order for one of the rules and it never was never an.
(04:09):
Issue obviously growing up it was just how life was
we were disciplined in the
way we had rules to follow if we didn't follow the rules
then we would get grounded or we would lose the privilege
it was things like that so he would just feed into that
and he would tell me that i'm
like a strong and independent woman so how could i
(04:31):
let these people control my life and not let
me live my life and do the things i want to do
and with my sons it would be a
case of he would tell me that he'd heard like rumors
that they were spreading about me and saying this
really really a thing was people
like oh so and so i said that you're
(04:54):
you're this or you're not but i kind of don't like to think of like a general
like specific thing here because i've got my friends but with my I saw my leaders
and it was a case of they're controlling you they're stopping you from being
a woman they're stopping you from living your life and doing anything you want to do in your life,
they're holding you back but again,
(05:15):
it was young and I really believed him really quickly.
Yeah, incredibly re-inverted to a new me and my mum single mum for the first
six years of my life, me and my mum I've always raised her as my best friend.
I, well as you know, I used to dance, and I was the one who really got me into that.
(05:40):
And so we used to do that pretty much every night I was at school,
when I was younger. Thank you.
But yeah, so we were really, really close.
And yeah, like I said, like yeah, it was a strict household,
but that was just the rules.
He did what he was told, and that was fair enough, and I got a lot of respect
for my mum. I say my septuagint, but I'm not sure.
(06:03):
A lot of us have a son growing up. We need to have a re-use of this.
So you're going to see him, you're going to see him. Yes, but he made it so that it was my decision.
So it was a few weeks.
I think we'd been together for about three or four weeks, me and my mum.
(06:24):
My mum was actually most likely starting to argue constantly.
I was constantly calling her names, was telling her that
she was controlling me she was trying to
force me to live under like and then
eventually we had a huge argument and I said all sorts of really disgusting
things which I don't say very now but all sorts of really horrible things and
(06:48):
she kicked me out and so to me I was like well I'm not going to speak to them
because they're majorly homeless essentially,
So, I would say yeah, it was his manipulation that caused that,
but at the time, to me, it was my decision. I was standing up to rise to the top.
When you got kicked out, where did you go? So I was 17, I wasn't going to have
(07:13):
a chance on my 16th birthday, and I was
So I think that weekend I stayed with Ryan at his house, but his mum was like,
you know, this is an apartment thing, so it's the weekend, I need to find somewhere else to live.
And so I went and stayed with one of my aunts, and I stayed there for a long month.
(07:33):
And then, for me, I've always seemed to say, we should not have time.
The energy used to go into that, so I came back to my mum to live with my daughter.
We went and stayed with one of his friends at Sheldon's in Plymouth and then
eventually we got our own room in our shared house.
Wait, how did you leave the mean room? Did you leave the same place?
(07:58):
I didn't think of it exactly because we were staying in the same room as his
friend for a good few weeks,
probably like five, six weeks we ended up staying with him and then And when
we went into our own room, that's when it kind of came.
And it started off as small verbal things.
(08:21):
He pushed me. We had an argument all night and he pushed me.
And I was like, don't panic.
But, you know, it was laid down at all. People came bursting in,
took him out on their free tubs. They'd taken him out.
It was like, you know, it was just an argument. He just pushed him to me and
I said over. It wasn't a big thing.
It's probably only two or three days after that was when he first actually hit me.
(08:47):
What do you mean by self-defense?
What do you mean by self-defense? Did you look like you said the first time
he hit you? So did you hit him fast?
Or did he just randomly out of the blue hit you? Was it an argument?
And who did he first hit you? So... I don't know what to do with this.
(09:08):
I'm fine. I should... Okay.
Okay. Um, so...
He would get really drunk and really hurry. He would always see you.
This was from the very first time. He would put his music on and turn it up.
And then he would just... His stories were kind of going funny.
Like, I wouldn't say they weren't like some people said about people,
but you could just see in his eyes that something was wrong.
(09:31):
And the solicitor was just like, what's wrong?
And he just literally just went and threw me on the bed, turned me over so I
was safe still, and then he just started punching me in the back.
So what's he doing forever?
And yeah, that's how it went up, and everything was on him after that.
You say hi, what do you mean? So he was taking a feed, that's why this progressed on.
(09:55):
So more and more feeds, more and more, and then I did hear from a couple of
his friends that he also voted for the win, although I cannot confirm that he
did. But yeah, that's why he was feeding.
How many weeks did he have you seen him for? So, from then on,
he went to prison for about, at a point it would have been probably like seven months, I think.
(10:22):
And also I was quite lucky because he went to prison for an unrelated offence.
So I managed to cut him away.
She used to play and stay messy while in prison, but she used to continue learning from an inside person.
Yeah, no, we didn't split up really. I stayed with him for three months.
So not a overly long time, but he was still controlling me from prison.
(10:48):
On my 18th birthday, I was living with his mum.
Because when he went to prison, I mean, it's not what it's not.
I don't want to stay with his mum forever.
And I was living with his mum in the pub right before I went.
And she had asked me if I wanted food to the pub that night,
so I went to the pub with my mum today.
No, no, she didn't ask me, sorry. No, he called me and asked me what I was doing
(11:10):
before my bath today. And I said nothing.
I'm just going to stay in. I have no plans. And then when he spoke to his mum,
she said that she was taking me to the pub for my birthday to celebrate.
And then when I got back on the phone, he was furious, so angry.
Why did you want to tell him that that was the plan and then I said to her I literally didn't know,
(11:30):
until now like your mum has just said but like don't worry I'm not gonna go it's fine,
which means you in a bright level know how I die and my mum's invited you out
so obviously you had to go if I'm out and that's just rude else so yeah it was
definitely so very much a throwback the sword like which friends I was allowed
to speak to which was only one because apparently if I slept with any of my
(11:52):
other friends or like met up with any of my friends and they would turn me,
turn me against him and get me to stick around and get me to drink and they
would ruin my life so I had to leave for a while.
Did you first imagine that you were going to prison and put your hand to the e-gay's hand?
A day of jail I went up and I think I was about to go to prison.
(12:17):
Three, four, four times I lived with him, and he went to Portland Prison. What was it like for you?
The first time I was forced to retire, I was really nervous.
I mean, I went with this mum, and his mum was a very abusive woman,
so it was a bit of an awkward situation, because I couldn't really speak to him.
(12:42):
I didn't really sense what was going on, I guess.
I think it was just scary because it was something that I'd never experienced
before. I didn't know what to expect.
So then, you know, walking in to the prison, you know, you've got the dogs sniffing you.
Go in singly, get the dogs to sniff you, sniff your bag. And then you go through
(13:06):
and you've got to take off your shoes.
And then you get someone to, like, search you. to search your bag and like to
me it was quite an overwhelming experience and it was quite,
scary I guess you know it was still so young didn't
know what to expect and then you walk into this room with all these criminals
(13:27):
around and obviously you've got no idea what any of these other people are in
there for I mean he was in there for quite a while and they cried and robbed
somebody's house or broken someone's house and burgled them and he like beat
someone up and robbed him on the street.
So that's quite a violent act in itself, let alone what all these other people are doing.
So that was quite intimidating, walking around, knowing that there's probably
people here that have done some seriously horrible stuff.
(13:50):
And they're all looking at you as you walk in. So yeah, it wasn't the most pleasant
experience the first time.
The second time wasn't too bad. I went with a friend because...
My brother was inside, so I went to know my mum, which was not a good thing.
And then the third time I was trying to find some of my own,
(14:11):
on a train, and I had to wait, like, three hours from getting off the train
to go and see him because of a strange thing.
So I just kind of stood around in Weymouth, and then I had to walk from Weymouth to, like, Portland.
And then, no idea what the office, like, fortune thing was now done.
I phoned the people for directions. It was just, yeah, an ordeal.
(14:35):
Um it was the institution i've said it was the final time that i was meant to
go and visit him i left him as i didn't visit him that time so i was really i'm talking,
myself there is a lot of people in there here who had fake crimes.
There were three offenders from the,
(15:00):
1816 to 1923, I think. I don't see any of them now.
But there are some offenders that they can be really intimidating,
as you can understand. I don't know.
(15:25):
So, I didn't know that.
So, we knew that was another race that he was also in prison.
He cannot specifically get as many, but one day he'll sing well.
And so, if I'm going to start, what if we need to start?
He just let me. He did give me. And I also believe that we were in love.
(15:48):
Obviously I know that we weren't in love I definitely wasn't in love with him I was terrified,
I was scared and one of
the hardest things to do when you are
in a relationship is to leave
because they make you believe that the only person you have in the whole world
(16:08):
is them that's why I did reconnect with my mum and my dad one of my friends
when I came along and a couple that lived in the shared house and,
you know, he didn't know about any of this, but I did do, like,
actually see some of my friends and have a little bit of advice.
(16:31):
But no matter how much I saw them or I spoke to them, you still,
it's hard to believe that those people actually love you, you know.
You still believe that the only person in the whole planet that is ever going
to love you is ever going to care about you.
And I truly believed that for a long time. And even after I left him,
still for a long time, I had so much fear of other people because I still believe
(16:56):
the only person on the planet that can actually care about me or love me or
accept me in any kind of way was him.
So, yeah, that's why I didn't leave.
What finally made you leave him? I'd
have seen a couple that lived in this house with me
because but except that they were obviously there during the abuse and were
(17:16):
both aware of it about what was going on they were kind of you know at the same
time he wasn't in the house I would kind of sneak out of our bedroom and go
and speak to them especially the women who were also in the British because
they were in some peace unfortunately he's no longer with us,
but they just really really pushed my,
(17:36):
self-esteem which like,
overly pushed the fact that I was a clutch and he didn't love me,
he just controlled me, because he could, I guess, you know.
And I don't mean because I've enrolled him, really, but it's just,
it's hard to explain, but that is who he is.
But yeah, they really made me, like, solely believe that actually other people
(18:00):
would be interested in me, and I'm not just talking about other men or other relationships,
but me, like, even, like, my friends, they were interested in what I had to
say they wanted to see me and you know they loved me, my family loved me and yeah they just kept.
Reiterating it to me, kept repeating it to me and eventually I did start to
(18:23):
believe it and did start to understand that actually,
this isn't what I want I don't want to spend my life in fear of you know,
oh dear there's a lot of dirt on the floor I'm not going to be able to do that
Or, oh no, I went and bought something without his permission.
I'm going to get beat up for that. Or, oh no, someone looked at me.
(18:44):
I'm going to get beat up for that.
Like, just loads of things made me realise that I didn't deserve or have to
spend my life like that anymore.
So, yeah, that was really what personally did I achieve.
Sorry, Minutes. Am I going to get really well? Are you allowed to put your own property on there?
Oh no, at the moment it wasn't my money. so we had a joint that was job seen
(19:06):
as work then and I think because I was in 18 it was employee when I went strong
four years and I was in the first court when I was younger so we had a joint claim.
Our money was his money that i didn't even have my bank card for the whole of our relationship like,
he had that he had the pin i can't even
tell you what the pin was so i can't work to be honest with you so if
(19:29):
whenever the money would be sent to us
to go into our account we would wake up if we
weren't already awake like two o'clock in the morning to go
to the atm so just if it was in and if it
wasn't we'd be it doesn't fall for every 10 minutes until
it was in and yeah he would with all that money and
that money was his money so that's the four he wanted to spend it
(19:50):
so if that was on drugs then that's what was bought if it was on drinks
that's what was bought i wasn't actually
able to have any of the money there were times when like if he did want food
he would give me some of it so he's going to give food or you know watch things
in charge of toothpaste that kind
(20:10):
of stuff but yeah my own things i wasn't allowed to buy anything you know,
I had really old clothes that were so big for me because we lived at eight so
I lost a lot of weight during our relationship so all of my clothes were so
big for me and most of the time I would be wearing,
you know, frikis and chaise jumpers so...
(20:30):
But yeah, I wasn't doing a lot of special order at all.
I used to cater the Debenhams in town.
And I'm just talking to him about, like, with toilet roll, because that was
an unnecessary expense for the money it could be used to drive.
So, yeah, I was satisfied with anything. But I support.
Apart from cats, that's the only thing I'm so much proud of,
because it was, like, my own thing.
(20:51):
Yeah, I know, but Grace, that was the only thing I was ever allowed to buy.
Of course, don't tell me about the fish. If you're swearing about,
like, the people you look at, you're not going to feed. What do you mean by this?
So if anybody, like if I had caught anybody looking at me, you know,
guys looking at me, left me out or anything like that, that would be my fault because I was obviously,
(21:18):
trying to get them to look at me and like I just said a second ago.
So you don't do what I do, just jump your butt in it?
No, absolutely not.
No, Christ, if anybody looked at me, I would be in big trouble.
And nine times out of ten I'd be like, pretty much all the time I wouldn't know
because I wouldn't be looking at anyone,
you know, if we were out and about together I would be looking at the store
(21:41):
the whole time or at home at like the bus timetable or the price of what we
were getting and never made friends with anybody else
and yeah, and other times he'd call people looking at me and he would,
yeah, we'd get really, really angry and he'd accuse me of cheating on him,
They have accused me of showing myself off for attention and things like that.
(22:06):
There was one time, this friend was staying with them, and I was wearing a pair
of shorts whilst I was doing some cleaning in the room, and then I said to him,
I'm going to go for a shower. I went for a shower.
Once I was in the shower, he'd come in the bathroom, and he was furious,
and I was like, no, what's the matter?
What's been happened? And he was like, no, you're an asshole. I don't know why. What?
(22:29):
And apparently his friend had made a comment about my legs, that I had nice
legs, that he was lucky that he got something all wrapped around him.
Which, you know, Thank you. Yeah, that's the thing.
His friend said that I had nice legs and he was lucky that he got a bra.
I'm too sorry. You made me jump at my last one.
(22:50):
I'm sorry. But yeah, so his friend had made a comment about my legs,
that I had nice legs, he was lucky that he got them wrapped around my gym.
And so then I was told I will sign
up to a short discovery and if he ever caught me with my
left arm I would be in trouble because I
was obviously trying to chill out with his friend bearing in
mind whilst this friend stayed with us the only kind
(23:12):
of contact I had would be if he asked me a question and I would look at Ryan
and be like can I answer this question and the answer would always be like something
really stupid like you know do you want me to make you a cup of tea I mean I
don't drink tea anyway but it would be, yeah, that'd be lovely.
But I can say, oh, because if I said that, then I'm flagging with him,
(23:33):
so it'd be all right. No, thank you.
Because if I'm allowing him to do the same thing for me, then I'm flagging with
him, or I'm giving him a dungeon, and I'm asking him for a dungeon.
So yeah, that's what I was.
So how did you feel you managed to encourage this girl? I mean, how did you set up?
So like I said earlier, Rich and Camara, the couple that lived at the house
(23:56):
that we were living in, they spent time pitching me up and boosting my self-esteem.
I was attending college, so obviously we weren't much present,
so we weren't on a joint plane anymore.
And I was 18, so I couldn't claim it in JobSeekers. I had to go to like a college
course, and I could get into work saying I had to do CDs, all that kind of rubbish.
(24:17):
And there was a boy there and he
gave me a cigarette right outside
and I was on the phone to
one of my friends saying that I was so annoyed because I just wanted a track
and when I was on the phone he was like I can give you a track and I was like
oh yeah that would be great and we were just being on course saying you know
(24:39):
it was kind of interesting to hear what people's backgrounds and what jobs other
people had done and he himself had done like a fishing thing.
He used to be a fisherman or something. Or a boat or something like that.
And, yeah, I just left the ship and that was that. And...
It made me feel so nice just to run and go to some random person.
(25:02):
I didn't even know that he was a guy at the time. It was just a talk with somebody
just about something so normal.
And it was just so nice to not talk about Ryan and talk about my ex.
And what it's like now and stuff.
So yeah, it was just very nice. And I told Richard Carr about it.
(25:22):
And then I called me and said, I'm going to go play in the States. he's nice but I
had honestly a story of him every week when I waxed his
course for a while and every week he
would roll two fags when I went on my lunch break
and give me one even though I was like where's this kind
of picking up a routine thing and I
started to really like him I seem to
(25:43):
always give you fags no I think
it was I think it was just something was nice to me like
this was the first time in a long time that there was a bloke joke
on my age just being nice
to me so no real reason need
to have any need to be kind so you
don't have any need to you know yeah give me something you don't have any need
(26:05):
for anything and I said to Richard Carr what like I actually quite liked him
and she was like oh why don't you why don't you like get hold of him and I was
like no I can't get hold of him I'm with Ryan And she was like,
and he's, are you a word or not good to me?
But he's a few choice of words. And you deserve to be much better.
(26:26):
And at the end of the day, this boy might not be someone that you're going to be with.
But why don't you just chat to him? Why don't you have a friend?
This guy. So yeah, I guess you're right. Okay.
And so we went on Facebook.
I found him on Facebook. and I sent him a phone request and my message and it
(26:46):
was just kind of, hey, how you doing?
He messaged me back pretty quickly. And yeah, we just took it for a few days.
I'm not saying really, you know, maybe I was just joking. Maybe I was just joking
about like some of the people that were on the course that were like clearly
just there to get their money.
I wouldn't even say it was fancy. It wasn't even fancy.
(27:08):
It was, it was generally just, like, how are you doing?
Like how did you find the course that we were on what
did you think of the teacher that was there what did you think of the other
people within yeah and we were you know for a very few days and then Clara I
was staying at her's originally and she said to me why don't you just invite
(27:28):
me over and I went why would I invite him over you know which is the,
picture what do you think i think it's just someone that i'm talking to you having.
And she was like well i think he likes
you and i thought how can you say that how can you say that he likes me
we've literally just been talking about this course we can do it
(27:50):
like that's a bit weird and it's also
a case of how the hell could i invite this
guy over i'm in a relationship with Ryan
even though I knew that I needed to leave it
was a scary thought so I was like no I'm definitely
not inviting him over and yeah this fun continues for ages and eventually I
(28:10):
was like you're not fine then I'll invite him around so I did ask if he wanted
to meet up and he was like yeah that'd be great where are you I'll come to you
so he drew my exam we all just again it was a show so we just in a bedroom.
Cara went to her bed. We were just on our sofa, just watching Danny, just having a laugh.
(28:31):
And then it turns to like 11 at night and Cara's like, look,
I'm tired. I'm going to sleep. And I'm like, yeah, same.
And then she turned to him and was like, look, I don't mind you staying this late.
I don't really want you walking back on your own. And so he was like, yeah, that's cool.
I'll sleep on the floor. I stayed on the sofa
(28:52):
for her and I just couldn't sleep I was so aware that there was some guy in
my house that I think I knew at that point that I didn't actually quite like
him and we were quite bad at messaging each other and he was like no if you're
not comfortable on the sofa why don't you just come and get in here with me it's not comfy,
he'd made like a little bed on the floor with blankets and pillows and stuff
(29:15):
and I was like yeah okay but you know.
Nothing's gonna happen so yeah I did I just laid there I was here but we were
just chatting for a while and then we went out into like the garden and we were
just chatting out there.
I went back and then I started to see them. I woke up probably a few hours later
and he was my age and he was like stroking my back and I was like, what are you doing?
(29:39):
And he was like, oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to, you know,
make you feel any kind of way. I'm really sorry. I'm sorry. I don't know.
You know, if they leave if you want and I was like no it's
it's just strange someone being nice
to me I guess I mean that's why and I was like
look I don't want this so we
chatted for a bit longer and then one thing led to another and then I don't
(30:02):
sleep with him and that's what happened I literally freaked out was crying he
was like oh my god are you okay I'm so sorry and I was like look this is not
your fault, this has nothing to do with you.
Um, but like, that shouldn't have happened.
And, yeah, I told Cara what happened, and she was literally buzzing.
(30:26):
I was like, oh my god, thank god, like, now you can see some people who are
actually really nice, and,
be kind to you and yeah you can actually be liked and loved and appreciated and,
Brian phoned me that night and I was like should we turn around to him and I
said guess what I did this morning and he was like yeah what's that I mean I fucked someone else,
(30:51):
and he was fuming on fame and
for the first time I wasn't scared I
was just like yep I did it proud out um i
was like panicking and i've had a visit in order to go to the scene the week
after which i still went to and when i went to that visit he was like look i
(31:15):
hate you for what you've done but i love you i will forgive you we can stay together and i lived.
With him still was like yeah we are together i'm sorry i will never do anything
like that again but then later that day he gave me a call and i was like no
this is someone i'm not staying with you i don't want to be with you i'm happy
about what i did don't contact me again and yeah that,
(31:37):
was that did you remember when we go i had a letter yeah i don't even remember
if i'm like after it was but yeah i had a letter off event i didn't even read
it i knew it was from the president instantly so i i literally just ripped it
up put it straight in the bin so i don't know what it said, just don't know anything about it.
(31:57):
And then he said, when he got released from prison, this is when me and you first got together.
He sent me a message on Messenger just saying he never loves me.
And then I, he'd obviously made like a new face since I've long sold one,
so I brought that one and I've been doing this ever since then.
So yeah, that was the last time I ever heard from him. He's a big bitch.
(32:26):
Next scene, we're going to show the casting, the effects, and the relationship,
and when all the effects are out, it's just basically for the fans,
the effects are out, so we're going to try and stick to that.
I'm going to say thank you to Amber for coming in our podcast.
(32:51):
I'm sure we'll dive a bit deeper next time.
Say bye bye. Say bye bye. Say bye.
(33:17):
My garden shed is bigger than this It's got a door and a window My garden shed is bigger than this.
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