One of the Most Helpful and Humbling Acts as a Parent

So, here is the most helpful and humbling thing I keep coming back to in different seasons of life: challenges reveal the areas that I need to grow in myself.

It’s humbling because we have to look at ourselves as a contributor to our struggle. And, it’s helpful because when we acknowledge what we bring to the table, then we can address the underlying issues, find creative solutions, and realize that we do have a sense of control. We can improve our situation. We can grow and become the parents we want to be for our kids. We can start to take the weights off the barbell one by one.

We can’t minimize the effects stress and anxiety have on us. Parenting is like a marathon and parenting kids who are neurodivergent is like running a tough mudder. There are obstacles everywhere and they vary in difficulty throughout. Just when I think I’ve cleared the most difficult by moving a 500-pound boulder out of the way, I fall face-first into a pit of mud. Suddenly, challenges appear that I didn’t foresee and adaptions have to be made just as quickly.

I’m sure many of you can relate. While I want to affirm the challenging experiences we have all had, there is hope in the struggle. It becomes the perfect time to humble ourselves, look inward at what the challenges reveal about ourselves, and get support to truly change our circumstances.

My goal in sharing these ideas is that you will feel empowered to self-reflect and be more introspective. Let’s all humble ourselves by finding out more about our internal challenges and reflecting on how our behaviors impact ourselves and others. The answers may help change our perspective and how we parent our kids. There’s also a little bit of freedom in doing nothing from time to time.

Episode Transcript

(00:03):
Welcome to the Parents Guide to Advocacy.
I'm your host, Ashley Hinkle.
My mission is to equip, empower, and support parents to become fierce advocates for their children's unique educational needs. 4 00:00:17,669.999 --> 00:00:26,130 Our goal as a community is to be resourced and resilient parents, continually growing, to be the safe place our children need.

(00:26):
If ending the feelings of overwhelm, guilt, and frustration to embrace courage, perseverance, and empowerment, we Sound good to you? Then let's go. 6 00:00:39,621.995464853 --> 00:00:46,521.995464853 So, today I would like to share something I've learned the hard way, many times over the last few years. 7 00:00:47,411.995464853 --> 00:00:50,51.995464853 This one action is something I subconsciously fight against. 8 00:00:50,52.095464853 --> 00:00:57,431.995464853 I'm known to rely on myself, take on too much responsibility, and feel like I have to solve all the problems. 9 00:00:58,321.994464853 --> 00:01:01,251.994464853 Inevitably it leads to anger, burnout, and resentment. 10 00:01:02,201.994464853 --> 00:01:06,771.995464853 The feelings of overwhelm and hopelessness rush over me like a 20 foot wave. 11 00:01:07,741.995464853 --> 00:01:12,801.994464853 Then I feel guilty and worry that I'm not showing up like the parent I desperately want to be. 12 00:01:14,511.995464853 --> 00:01:16,841.995464853 That's many feelings and a lot of weight to carry. 13 00:01:17,631.995464853 --> 00:01:20,561.995464853 I have a feeling that I'm not the only parent who feels this way. 14 00:01:21,521.995464853 --> 00:01:26,611.995464853 Then when you add parenting children that are differently wired, the requirements of you instantly double. 15 00:01:27,391.995464853 --> 00:01:44,61.99546485 You're juggling educational services, communications with the school, coordinating with private providers, and intentionally planning social or extracurricular activities that match their skill sets, all while loving them deeply and balancing the effects on the siblings. 16 00:01:45,666.99546485 --> 00:01:46,856.99546485 It's a juggling act. 17 00:01:47,676.99546485 --> 00:01:52,876.99546485 Making sure to show up lovingly and fairly to all of our children is no easy task. 18 00:01:53,826.99546485 --> 00:01:57,446.99446485 All of that said, we haven't mentioned the other domains of our lives. 19 00:01:58,76.99546485 --> 00:02:05,556.99546485 The mental load on parents is high as they balance children, careers, family, friends, and other commitments. 20 00:02:06,436.99546485 --> 00:02:16,266.99546485 Where is the time to take care of ourselves? Time for self recovery or recharge was nowhere near my radar and the results began to speak for themselves. 21 00:02:17,936.99546485 --> 00:02:19,16.99546485 I started looking in the mirror. 22 00:02:19,16.99546485 --> 00:02:19,616.99546485 I'm wondering. 23 00:02:20,111.99546485 --> 00:02:31,41.99546485 What's wrong with me? Why can't I handle everything? Am I a bad mom? Can I do this? While the internal beatdown wasn't healthy, it helped me to start looking inward. 24 00:02:31,731.99546485 --> 00:02:34,711.99546485 I realized the way I was operating wasn't working. 25 00:02:35,331.99546485 --> 00:02:37,281.99546485 A different approach was desperately needed. 26 00:02:38,241.99546485 --> 00:02:44,551.99546485 So, here's the most helpful and humbling thing I keep coming back to in different seasons of life. 27 00:02:45,881.99546485 --> 00:02:47,581.99546485 Challenges reveal the areas. 28 00:02:47,986.99546485 --> 00:02:50,46.99546485 That I need to grow in myself. 29 00:02:51,266.99546485 --> 00:02:55,566.99546485 It's humbling because we have to look at ourselves as a contributor to our struggle. 30 00:02:56,626.99546485 --> 00:03:07,556.99546485 And it's helpful because when we acknowledge what we bring to the table, then we can address the underlying issues, find creative solutions, and realize that we do have a sense of control. 31 00:03:08,156.99546485 --> 00:03:10,256.99446485 We can improve our situation. 32 00:03:10,876.99546485 --> 00:03:14,896.99546485 We can grow and become the parents we want to be for our kids. 33 00:03:15,936.99546485 --> 00:03:18,596.99546485 We can start to take the weights off the barbell one by one. 34 00:03:20,146.99546485 --> 00:03:23,236.99546485 Getting one on one therapy is something that I've found extremely helpful. 35 00:03:24,176.99546485 --> 00:03:33,126.99546485 Talking through complex, deeply emotional topics can be a huge relief when it's with a third party where there are no relational consequences. 36 00:03:34,86.99446485 --> 00:03:44,466.99546485 We can walk through recurrent emotional triggers and break them apart to understand why I'm ready to pop off over my daughter refusing to put on her shoes and leave the house. 37 00:03:45,486.99546485 --> 00:03:54,916.99546485 At times, it feels incredibly disrespectful to protest something so simple, when I've tried so hard to give her a different life than I had growing up. 38 00:03:56,46.99546485 --> 00:04:01,736.99546485 I imagine being late to pick up my son at school, which ripples into being late to another speech session. 39 00:04:02,526.99446485 --> 00:04:07,86.99546485 There's a loss of control and a cascade of stress that I anticipate. 40 00:04:08,66.99546485 --> 00:04:11,906.99546485 But, what I've learned is that it is up to me to manage my emotions. 41 00:04:12,516.99546485 --> 00:04:15,836.99546485 I have the power to choose to respond rather than react. 42 00:04:16,966.99546485 --> 00:04:19,876.99446485 I've gone beyond my emotional limit too many times to count. 43 00:04:20,561.99546485 --> 00:04:26,851.99546485 And finally, I realized that my personal area of growth is managing my relationship anxiety. 44 00:04:27,821.99546485 --> 00:04:32,391.99546485 Anxiety is stealthy, and can slip through even the smallest nooks and crannies. 45 00:04:33,281.99546485 --> 00:04:35,721.99446485 It shows up in ways that aren't always obvious. 46 00:04:36,521.99446485 --> 00:04:46,461.99546485 Before we know it, anxiety is the backseat driver behind our most important decisions, small daily choices, and our emotional reactions. 47 00:04:48,191.99546485 --> 00:04:52,561.99546485 Recently, I was given a tool to consider in managing my parenting anxieties. 48 00:04:53,616.99546485 --> 00:04:55,336.99546485 It was to just do nothing. 49 00:04:56,406.99546485 --> 00:04:58,356.99546485 Doing nothing seems counterintuitive. 50 00:04:58,796.99546485 --> 00:05:06,676.99546485 I mean, how do problems get solved if we do nothing? But sometimes, a problem doesn't have a clear or immediate fix. 51 00:05:07,826.99546485 --> 00:05:12,456.99546485 Sometimes the problem is actually how we feel and the distress we experience. 52 00:05:14,536.99446485 --> 00:05:16,756.99446485 I'm learning to embrace the feelings of discomfort. 53 00:05:17,786.99446485 --> 00:05:19,96.99446485 That is not easy. 54 00:05:20,276.99446485 --> 00:05:23,486.99446485 Then, take an action that allows me to care for myself. 55 00:05:24,326.99446485 --> 00:05:28,846.99446485 Most times, helping ourselves regulate and recover is the solution to our problems. 56 00:05:29,696.99546485 --> 00:05:32,296.99546485 It interrupts the cycle of stress and overwhelming thoughts. 57 00:05:32,976.99546485 --> 00:05:37,476.99546485 We give ourselves just a little more mental bandwidth to handle the next difficult thing. 58 00:05:38,306.99546485 --> 00:05:40,446.99546485 I'll keep you posted on how I do with this. 59 00:05:42,176.99446485 --> 00:05:45,466.99446485 We can't minimize the effects stress and anxiety have on us. 60 00:05:46,326.99546485 --> 00:05:52,6.99546485 Parenting is like a marathon, and parenting kids who are neurodivergent is like running a Tough Mudder. 61 00:05:52,706.99546485 --> 00:05:56,406.99546485 There are obstacles everywhere and very in difficulty throughout. 62 00:05:57,226.99546485 --> 00:06:04,601.99546485 Just when I think I've cleared the most difficult by moving a 500 pound boulder out of the way, I fall face first into a pit of mud. 63 00:06:05,531.99546485 --> 00:06:11,61.99546485 Suddenly, challenges appear that I didn't foresee, and adaptions have to be made just as quickly. 64 00:06:12,261.99446485 --> 00:06:13,601.99446485 I'm sure many of you can relate. 65 00:06:14,611.99546485 --> 00:06:19,491.99446485 While I want to affirm the challenging experiences we have all had, there is hope in the struggle. 66 00:06:21,531.99546485 --> 00:06:30,401.99546485 It becomes the perfect time to look inward at what the challenges reveal about ourselves and get support to truly change our circumstances. 67 00:06:31,421.99546485 --> 00:06:35,231.99546485 After all, the tough mudder gets easier with more teammates by your side. 68 00:06:36,236.99546485 --> 00:06:38,966.99546485 Look for relationships that reciprocate your love and support. 69 00:06:40,26.99546485 --> 00:06:42,166.99546485 Reach out to family and friends for encouragement. 70 00:06:43,346.99546485 --> 00:06:46,786.99546485 After COVID, my family realized we had little to no support system. 71 00:06:47,666.99446485 --> 00:06:53,636.99546485 So I intentionally looked for other moms with neurodivergent kids at my son's therapy center to connect with. 72 00:06:54,756.99546485 --> 00:06:59,886.99546485 Taking steps to care for ourselves and lighten our load is an empowering task in itself. 73 00:07:01,206.99546485 --> 00:07:04,916.99546485 Surrounding ourselves with like minded people who can relate to our lives. 74 00:07:05,311.99546485 --> 00:07:08,391.99546485 Through similar experiences can be a much needed relief. 75 00:07:09,411.99546485 --> 00:07:16,61.99546485 I met a new friend at my daughter's music class over the last couple of weeks and we decided to get together at the playground after. 76 00:07:16,921.99546485 --> 00:07:19,201.99546485 We started talking and dropped the waterline. 77 00:07:19,561.99546485 --> 00:07:24,591.99546485 We started to really connect over our life experiences and the challenges with raising kids. 78 00:07:25,561.99446485 --> 00:07:30,801.99546485 And as we both realized, Hey, I'm in therapy, yeah, I'm in therapy too. 79 00:07:31,251.99546485 --> 00:07:37,391.99446485 Every Thursday we started high fiving on the playground about some of the interventions we need for ourselves. 80 00:07:38,346.99546485 --> 00:07:42,126.99546485 There is nothing like the support of someone who gets it. 81 00:07:44,16.99546485 --> 00:07:49,446.99546485 My goal in sharing these ideas is that you will feel empowered to self reflect and be more introspective. 82 00:07:50,296.99546485 --> 00:07:59,106.99446485 Let's all humble ourselves by finding out more about our internal challenges and reflecting on how our behaviors impact ourselves and others. 83 00:08:00,86.99446485 --> 00:08:04,96.99446485 The answers may help change our perspective and how we parent our kids. 84 00:08:04,96.99446485 --> 00:08:08,56.99546485 There's also a little bit of freedom in doing nothing from time to time. 85 00:08:09,886.99546485 --> 00:08:10,436.99546485 Remember. 86 00:08:10,931.99546485 --> 00:08:15,971.99546485 This season in life is hard and you are resourced and resilient. 87 00:08:16,751.99546485 --> 00:08:18,191.99546485 Until next time, Ash.