May 28, 2024 • 16 mins
The Parents Guide to Advocacy: Empowering Resilient Families
In this episode of 'The Parents Guide to Advocacy,' host Ashley Hinkle shares her mission to equip parents with the tools needed to advocate for their children's unique educational needs. Reflecting on personal experiences, Ashley discusses the challenges of raising neurodivergent children and managing household chaos. She emphasizes self-reflection, personal growth, and equipping oneself with the necessary skills to support children effectively. Ashley also provides practical tips for finding stability, such as seeking therapy, building new friendships, and defining core values. Additionally, she underscores the importance of self-regulation, conflict avoidance, and allowing children to learn from their experiences. She urges parents to be resilient, adaptive, and to zoom out to see the bigger picture in chaotic situations. Finally, Ashley invites listeners to leave reviews, visit her website SparkEducationAdvocacy.org, and explore parent coaching and IEP representation services to become better advocates for their children.
00:00 Welcome to Your Advocacy Journey: Empowering Parents 00:40 The Domino Effect: Navigating Family Chaos 03:27 Self-Reflection: The Key to Changing Family Dynamics 04:05 Empowering Choices: Letting Go to Grow 08:45 Practical Tips for Stability and Self-Care 11:17 Avoiding the Cycle of Chaos: Strategies for Peace 13:07 Choosing Resilience: Overcoming Challenges with Strength 14:48 Closing Thoughts and Resources for Advocacy
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Episode Transcript
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(00:03):
Welcome to the Parents Guide to Advocacy.
I'm your host, Ashley Hinkle.
My mission is to equip, empower, and support parents to become fierce advocates for their children's unique educational needs. 4 00:00:17,669.999 --> 00:00:26,130 Our goal as a community is to be resourced and resilient parents, continually growing, to be the safe place our children need.
(00:26):
If ending the feelings of overwhelm, guilt, and frustration to embrace courage, perseverance, and empowerment, we Sound good to you? Then let's go. 6 00:00:42,862.095464853 --> 00:00:48,712.095464853 Speak from my personal experience of trying to find stability amid constant demands and chaos. 7 00:00:49,452.094464853 --> 00:00:56,352.424036281 As we dig into something I've called the domino effect in our household, I want to affirm your feelings of exhaustion and overwhelm. 8 00:00:56,352.424036281 --> 00:00:58,33.338321995 Raising kids is hard. 9 00:00:58,33.338321995 --> 00:01:01,395.166893424 Raising kids with extra needs is even harder. 10 00:01:01,395.166893424 --> 00:01:10,317.095464853 If you or your partner are also neurodivergent, That may add more challenges on top of an already swaying Jenga tower. 11 00:01:11,407.095464853 --> 00:01:14,857.095464853 We are with you in the day to day journey of personal growth. 12 00:01:15,587.094464853 --> 00:01:18,347.095464853 We don't have this 100 percent figured out by any means. 13 00:01:19,187.094464853 --> 00:01:20,617.095464853 Most days it's far from it. 14 00:01:21,257.095464853 --> 00:01:29,107.095464853 But, I hope to share some thoughts that have helped make sense of really confusing times, and to remind you that you are not alone. 15 00:01:30,527.095464853 --> 00:01:35,627.095464853 Here's a glimpse into the Hinkle House, before we had diagnoses for Luke and my husband. 16 00:01:36,672.095464853 --> 00:01:42,272.09546485 I would make preparations and set up my proverbial dominoes to make sure our routines flowed smoothly. 17 00:01:42,762.09546485 --> 00:01:49,312.09546485 Then, my husband would be distracted or overstimulated and knock over my beautiful arrangement of dominoes. 18 00:01:49,842.09446485 --> 00:01:57,52.09546485 I would have food packed, supplies in the car, and all we needed to do before going to the park was put on the shoes. 19 00:01:58,502.09546485 --> 00:02:04,112.09546485 No matter how early I tried to arrive somewhere, we would face several hurdles just trying to load everyone in the car. 20 00:02:04,772.09546485 --> 00:02:07,362.09446485 Sometimes we would have a great plan to get me a break. 21 00:02:07,917.09546485 --> 00:02:10,947.09546485 Then before shoes were on, we had all kids crying. 22 00:02:11,357.09546485 --> 00:02:18,967.09546485 One literally stripping out of their clothes in refusal to leave, and another fixated on going upstairs to gather items in their room. 23 00:02:19,977.09546485 --> 00:02:26,477.09546485 Our 2-year-old is screaming as she uses all of her baby M to win the tug of war with her older sister for a toy. 24 00:02:27,627.09546485 --> 00:02:35,737.09546485 And before long my anxiety was triggered, arguments ensued, and we were all dysregulated from my friend's stories. 25 00:02:36,142.09546485 --> 00:02:41,382.09546485 I'm confident we aren't the only family that experiences moments of pure chaos. 26 00:02:42,632.09546485 --> 00:02:50,492.09546485 To cope with the lack of control and composure in our house, I went into anxious pursuer mode and would try to fix whatever problem presented itself. 27 00:02:51,152.09446485 --> 00:02:56,722.09546485 I'd set the dominoes back up in a different arrangement, sure that my plans would work this time. 28 00:02:57,602.09546485 --> 00:03:04,952.09546485 Inevitably, the dominoes would fall, was on repeat, and I would set them up again in yet another way. 29 00:03:05,472.09546485 --> 00:03:08,932.09546485 I was sure we'd meet our needs and magically solve our issues. 30 00:03:09,962.09546485 --> 00:03:14,62.09546485 After years of this strategy failing repeatedly, I hit a wall. 31 00:03:14,762.09546485 --> 00:03:16,282.09546485 I was resentful and burned out. 32 00:03:16,902.09546485 --> 00:03:18,512.09546485 I was angry and short tempered. 33 00:03:19,212.09546485 --> 00:03:21,102.09446485 I couldn't stand the way I felt inside. 34 00:03:21,622.09446485 --> 00:03:26,542.09546485 Full of mom rage and missing the joy of the early childhood years that only came once. 35 00:03:27,652.09446485 --> 00:03:29,342.09546485 That's when a small light bulb went off. 36 00:03:30,52.09546485 --> 00:03:34,532.09546485 I needed to look at myself and see how I contributed to our family's dynamic. 37 00:03:35,147.09546485 --> 00:03:43,737.09546485 How was I showing up for the people I love most? When I was ashamed of the answer, I decided to dig deeper into my own personal growth. 38 00:03:44,937.09546485 --> 00:03:49,917.09546485 I recommend you try looking in the mirror and reflecting on what you bring to the table in your family. 39 00:03:50,557.09446485 --> 00:03:54,347.09546485 This is scary, it's bold, and it's life changing. 40 00:03:55,367.09446485 --> 00:04:04,707.09446485 When you learn more about yourself, become equipped with the missing skills needed to grow, and apply those healthy skills in your family life, it's a game changer. 41 00:04:05,807.09446485 --> 00:04:14,497.09546485 Try asking yourself, why is this triggering me? Once you find the root cause of your frustrations, work through the reasons behind your triggers. 42 00:04:15,477.09546485 --> 00:04:21,527.09546485 Personally, I tend to function with a sense of hyper responsibility that increases stress and anxiety. 43 00:04:22,127.09546485 --> 00:04:24,347.09546485 I take on responsibilities that are not mine. 44 00:04:24,897.09546485 --> 00:04:27,627.09546485 I try to fix every problem, and I eventually burn out. 45 00:04:28,477.09546485 --> 00:04:36,267.09546485 I'm working on seeing opportunities to stay in my lane and let others take responsibility for their choices and the resulting consequences. 46 00:04:37,147.09546485 --> 00:04:39,512.09546485 But it's hard because you want to help the people you love. 47 00:04:40,582.09546485 --> 00:05:03,42.09546485 Just as you think I need to help them, ask yourself, what skill would I be preventing them from learning that will help them in the long run? This question has helped me pull back my impulse to take responsibility and fix the problem because I realized that in some situations, the most loving thing I can do is let that person learn it for themselves. 48 00:05:03,982.09546485 --> 00:05:05,232.09546485 They will be stronger for it. 49 00:05:06,472.09546485 --> 00:05:09,322.09546485 They will be more resilient and more confident in their own abilities. 50 00:05:10,102.09546485 --> 00:05:14,32.09546485 It's a delicate balance of discerning when our help as parents is really needed. 51 00:05:14,912.09546485 --> 00:05:21,202.09546485 We won't get it right all the time, but we can always go back and repair mistakes and learn from the misses. 52 00:05:22,612.09546485 --> 00:05:28,722.09546485 When we let others take the proper responsibility for their actions, we actually begin to unburden ourselves too. 53 00:05:30,12.09446485 --> 00:05:35,12.09546485 In fact, we have to unburden ourselves because most of the time, no one else will. 54 00:05:36,12.09546485 --> 00:05:43,42.09546485 We can carry the stress of our children, partners, family, friends, and work demands to the point of breaking. 55 00:05:43,432.09546485 --> 00:05:44,142.09546485 Under the weight. 56 00:05:45,442.09546485 --> 00:05:50,912.09546485 But when we start removing one dumbbell at a time, our world starts to feel a little lighter. 57 00:05:51,542.09546485 --> 00:05:54,122.09546485 We don't have to carry the weight of the world on our shoulders. 58 00:05:55,232.09546485 --> 00:06:14,182.09546485 There is freedom in zooming out and asking ourselves, is this my burden to carry? Is that my job to fix? How can I support them without taking on their responsibilities? I've found that my kids learn the most when I step back and allow them to experience the effects of their choices. 59 00:06:15,242.09446485 --> 00:06:17,412.09546485 Of course, I step in if it's a safety issue. 60 00:06:18,492.09546485 --> 00:06:31,102.09546485 But if my son is having a meltdown and misses a play date at the park, I affirm that it is sad we missed hanging out with our friends, and next time, we need to work on leaving on time. 61 00:06:32,142.09546485 --> 00:06:37,422.09546485 I'll explain that the meltdown took up the time we would have used to get ready and drive to the park. 62 00:06:38,132.09546485 --> 00:06:43,522.09546485 Once my son is calm and some time has passed, I would ask him what made him so upset. 63 00:06:44,562.09546485 --> 00:06:52,182.09546485 It's helpful to always ask what is behind a behavior, even if we think we know, because the answer will often surprise us. 64 00:06:53,412.09546485 --> 00:06:58,872.09546485 For instance, one morning before school, Luke started doing things that he knew would be a problem. 65 00:06:59,542.09546485 --> 00:07:06,732.09546485 He started dragging his desk across the floor into another room, and refused to do his usual routine of using the bathroom and putting on shoes. 66 00:07:07,332.09546485 --> 00:07:08,442.09546485 Finally, it clicked. 67 00:07:09,22.09546485 --> 00:07:10,192.09546485 He's avoiding something. 68 00:07:10,862.09546485 --> 00:07:14,102.09546485 Luke was avoiding getting in the car for school because it was field day. 69 00:07:14,982.09546485 --> 00:07:21,322.09546485 Even though there were fun things ahead, change is hard for Luke, and he doesn't like not knowing his exact schedule. 70 00:07:22,112.09546485 --> 00:07:25,802.09546485 The unknown and uncertainty become overwhelming for him. 71 00:07:26,347.09546485 --> 00:07:29,467.09546485 When he has to face a transition he hasn't experienced before. 72 00:07:30,527.09546485 --> 00:07:36,387.09546485 I had pre gamed him an hour before at breakfast and explained as much information about field day as I knew. 73 00:07:37,207.09546485 --> 00:07:41,27.09546485 I also told him who to go to for confirmation of the schedule. 74 00:07:41,777.09546485 --> 00:07:47,517.09646485 I felt like I had gotten ahead of any potential meltdowns and an hour later it still happened. 75 00:07:48,697.09646485 --> 00:07:51,687.09546485 I'll pause here and say, I see you my friend. 76 00:07:52,437.09546485 --> 00:07:54,527.09546485 Raising differently wired kids is hard. 77 00:07:54,877.09546485 --> 00:07:58,227.09546485 We love them deeply and it's okay that it's hard. 78 00:07:58,807.09546485 --> 00:08:01,837.09546485 We can hold space for those two truths to exist at once. 79 00:08:02,997.09546485 --> 00:08:10,167.09546485 Often, I stop in the middle of a meltdown and just remind myself that this is intense and it will pass. 80 00:08:11,127.09546485 --> 00:08:13,347.09446485 The moment will pass and the feelings will pass. 81 00:08:13,957.09446485 --> 00:08:21,797.09446485 It doesn't fix anything immediately, but it gives me that little bit of bandwidth to survive that moment and love my child at the same time. 82 00:08:22,807.09446485 --> 00:08:28,617.09446485 Practicing self compassion when things go sideways helps me also manage the mom guilt that loves to show up. 83 00:08:29,657.09446485 --> 00:08:31,267.09446485 Try to talk to yourself like a friend. 84 00:08:31,332.09546485 --> 00:08:33,452.09546485 I encourage the good things happening. 85 00:08:34,112.09546485 --> 00:08:37,112.09546485 You can make a plan later on how to improve and respond differently. 86 00:08:37,832.09546485 --> 00:08:41,742.09546485 But when you're feeling underwater, like you can't breathe from the stress. 87 00:08:42,282.09546485 --> 00:08:44,852.09546485 Be a friend to yourself and show up with kindness. 88 00:08:46,162.09446485 --> 00:08:55,172.09646485 For those of you who are like me and love a bulleted list of takeaway points to implement, here are a few suggestions to help you find more stability in your life. 89 00:08:55,982.09646485 --> 00:09:01,162.09646485 Find a licensed marriage and family therapist or a therapist trained to help with your particular needs. 90 00:09:01,577.09646485 --> 00:09:04,197.09646485 This can be a safe space when we need to fall apart. 91 00:09:05,827.09646485 --> 00:09:09,657.09646485 Number two, intentionally look for new healthy friendships. 92 00:09:10,237.09646485 --> 00:09:13,747.09646485 Make friends within the special needs community your family identifies with. 93 00:09:14,397.09646485 --> 00:09:15,847.09546485 They will know what you're going through. 94 00:09:16,457.09546485 --> 00:09:21,17.09546485 Also, make friends outside of this community to get breaks from time to time. 95 00:09:22,257.09646485 --> 00:09:27,917.09546485 Number three, go back to some of the things you did before that brought you joy or rest. 96 00:09:28,517.09646485 --> 00:09:29,417.09646485 This one is fun. 97 00:09:30,87.09646485 --> 00:09:37,887.09646485 What did you like to do before kids that was fun and recharging? I would love laying at the pool with a book and getting my tan on. 98 00:09:38,617.09646485 --> 00:09:43,267.09646485 Maybe you would like to have a quiet breakfast and be able to eat it while it's still warm. 99 00:09:44,687.09646485 --> 00:09:50,77.09646485 One thing that has been really healing for me is getting back into church, reading devotionals and meeting new people. 100 00:09:50,897.09546485 --> 00:09:57,297.09646485 I was afraid to go back to church after COVID because I was anxious about how my differently wired children would be treated. 101 00:09:58,217.09646485 --> 00:10:05,427.09646485 I searched and was able to find a local church with a program for children with special needs that has multiple areas to view the service. 102 00:10:06,57.09646485 --> 00:10:09,807.09646485 From rather than just the traditional sanctuary that requires quiet. 103 00:10:10,797.09646485 --> 00:10:13,107.09646485 Quiet is something the hinkles don't do well. 104 00:10:13,997.09646485 --> 00:10:26,897.09646485 If your faith was important to you and fear is a barrier to getting back to it, I encourage you to consider working through that fear, and when you're ready to try again, find the place that you feel comfortable. 105 00:10:28,577.09646485 --> 00:10:34,567.09646485 Okay, number four, find ways to recharge away from your people and responsibilities. 106 00:10:35,57.09646485 --> 00:10:36,587.09646485 Do something you love alone. 107 00:10:37,147.09646485 --> 00:10:46,822.09646485 Do you like running, seeing a movie? Grabbing Starbucks and taking a drive? Doing something enjoyable on our own can refill our empty tanks from all of the caregiving. 108 00:10:47,352.09646485 --> 00:10:51,932.09646485 Besides, we actually have to refill our tanks to be able to function and take care of our people. 109 00:10:53,322.09546485 --> 00:10:53,952.09646485 Number five. 110 00:10:54,422.09646485 --> 00:10:55,962.09646485 Define those core values. 111 00:10:56,522.09646485 --> 00:10:58,212.09546485 Get clarity on what's important to you. 112 00:10:58,622.09646485 --> 00:11:03,192.09646485 You will be able to make decisions that help you live in alignment with your authentic self. 113 00:11:03,842.09646485 --> 00:11:06,292.09646485 I've found that this helps fight off the depression and anxiety. 114 00:11:06,872.09646485 --> 00:11:08,802.09646485 I experienced when the dominoes are falling. 115 00:11:09,642.09646485 --> 00:11:16,532.09546485 Core values help you make decisions that align with your goals and put you in a relationship with people with similar values. 116 00:11:17,852.09646485 --> 00:11:21,642.09646485 Number six, avoid conflicts and quarrels. 117 00:11:22,312.09646485 --> 00:11:29,152.09546485 In the Bible, Philippians 2, 14 through 16 discourages us from getting into fights with others. 118 00:11:29,472.09546485 --> 00:11:30,702.09546485 So we will be blameless. 119 00:11:31,412.09546485 --> 00:11:35,422.09546485 Be cognizant of not engaging in fights with your partner or anyone else. 120 00:11:35,832.09546485 --> 00:11:38,352.09546485 It protects you from feeling the weight of blame. 121 00:11:38,797.09646485 --> 00:11:40,287.09646485 and all the stress that brings. 122 00:11:40,987.09646485 --> 00:11:43,697.09646485 Chaos is a ripe time for conflict and arguments. 123 00:11:44,407.09646485 --> 00:11:50,887.09646485 Stand strong here, and when you feel those heightened emotions, try to self regulate and address the issue later. 124 00:11:51,697.09646485 --> 00:11:52,817.09646485 This is hard for me. 125 00:11:53,217.09546485 --> 00:11:55,787.09646485 When my emotions are turned up, it's go time. 126 00:11:56,677.09646485 --> 00:12:03,137.09646485 Every time that I give in to the impulse to let the emotions win, and I engage in a fight, I regret it. 127 00:12:04,637.09646485 --> 00:12:09,47.09646485 I feel guilt, shame, and fear that I've damaged a relationship with someone I love. 128 00:12:10,617.09646485 --> 00:12:13,7.09646485 Being self controlled and dwelling on positive things. 129 00:12:13,562.09646485 --> 00:12:14,732.09646485 Will help settle your mind. 130 00:12:15,542.09646485 --> 00:12:18,152.09646485 Scientifically, it takes 20 minutes to calm down. 131 00:12:18,562.09646485 --> 00:12:29,252.09646485 Once you're emotionally escalated, try to take a walk, read a book, do anything else Until those emotions are turned down, then you can return and have a healthier conversation. 132 00:12:30,122.09646485 --> 00:12:36,2.09646485 By choosing to deescalate the situation, you prevented getting hit by the second wave of chaos. 133 00:12:36,512.09646485 --> 00:12:45,932.09646485 There is this cycle of chaos we can easily get trapped in when dealing with complicated family dynamics and conflicting needs, it looks a little something like this. 134 00:12:46,662.09646485 --> 00:12:56,822.09646485 Chaos begins, emotions escalate, people become dysregulated, fights ensue, and this leads full circle to another round of chaos. 135 00:12:57,662.09646485 --> 00:13:00,802.09646485 I don't know about you, but the first round of chaos is enough. 136 00:13:01,372.09646485 --> 00:13:06,482.09546485 We don't need to go through an exhausting emotional battle just to get hit with another wave of chaos. 137 00:13:07,572.09546485 --> 00:13:13,902.09646485 All of this being said, we have to show up as stable parents for our kids who can flip chaos into stability. 138 00:13:14,552.09646485 --> 00:13:18,862.09646485 We can't control all of our circumstances, or the events we experience. 139 00:13:19,597.09646485 --> 00:13:26,867.09646485 But we can control how we respond, how we show up ourselves for our kids, and where we choose to focus our energy. 140 00:13:27,967.09646485 --> 00:13:31,337.09646485 For me, I was tired of focusing on my fears and anxieties. 141 00:13:32,177.09646485 --> 00:13:38,927.09546485 I wanted to be a present mom who enjoyed my kids for the tiny people they are, despite the chaos around us. 142 00:13:39,667.09546485 --> 00:13:46,607.09646485 Life can hit us in the face, but what choice do we have? We can let things overcome us, or we can overcome them. 143 00:13:47,437.09646485 --> 00:13:48,727.09646485 I choose resilience. 144 00:13:49,737.09546485 --> 00:13:52,377.09546485 There are times when I have been, and will be, knocked down. 145 00:13:53,127.09646485 --> 00:13:56,827.09646485 And I know that I will do the work to get back up and thrive. 146 00:13:57,387.09646485 --> 00:13:58,927.09646485 Giving up is not an option. 147 00:13:59,597.09646485 --> 00:14:00,737.09646485 Our kids need us. 148 00:14:01,387.09646485 --> 00:14:05,817.09646485 They need to be equipped with the skills needed to adapt and adjust to this world. 149 00:14:06,857.09446485 --> 00:14:10,347.09546485 If we don't have those skills ourselves, then we need to learn them. 150 00:14:11,577.09546485 --> 00:14:18,457.09546485 We can prepare ourselves to be a safe anchor for our kids by handling our own struggles and propensity to engage in chaos. 151 00:14:19,632.09546485 --> 00:14:27,792.09546485 My hope today is that we can all zoom out from the side of the table with all the fallen dominoes and see what's happening around us in the room. 152 00:14:28,602.09546485 --> 00:14:33,242.09546485 Notice the moving pieces that are knocking down our dominoes or stealing our patience. 153 00:14:34,62.09446485 --> 00:14:43,782.09546485 Gain context to help process why the dominoes fell and have the freedom to put the dominoes back in the box because most of them aren't yours to set up anyway. 154 00:14:44,792.09546485 --> 00:14:46,622.09546485 Until next time, Ash. 155 00:14:49,386.76246485 --> 00:14:50,716.76246485 Hey there, before you go. 156 00:14:51,311.76246485 --> 00:14:53,561.76246485 Please go on iTunes and leave me a review. 157 00:14:54,201.76246485 --> 00:14:58,661.76246485 It will help more parents become resourced and resilient advocates for their children. 158 00:14:59,501.76246485 --> 00:15:11,261.76246485 Also, if you feel overwhelmed and unfamiliar with what services are available for your child and what to ask for in an IEP meeting, then visit my website sparkeducationadvocacy. 159 00:15:12,161.76246485 --> 00:15:12,501.76246485 org. 160 00:15:13,291.76246485 --> 00:15:26,71.76246485 If you are ready to become your child's best advocate in IEP meetings and in social life experiences, I provide parent coaching, and IEP representation, both virtually and in person. 161 00:15:26,651.76246485 --> 00:15:32,261.76246485 I will help you break down the special education system and IEP documents in a relatable way. 162 00:15:32,701.76146485 --> 00:15:35,361.76246485 So it's less complicated and more manageable. 163 00:15:36,206.76246485 --> 00:15:40,786.76246485 Together, we will defeat the inner voices of guilt, overwhelm, and frustration. 164 00:15:41,416.76246485 --> 00:15:49,806.76246485 You will be equipped with the knowledge and communication skills necessary to hold school staff accountable for meeting our children's educational needs. 165 00:15:50,656.76246485 --> 00:15:56,746.76246485 I'll also share the key questions and phrases I use in IEP meetings to get things done. 166 00:15:57,516.76246485 --> 00:16:03,946.76246485 If you're ready to take your seat as your child's expert at the IEP table, go to my website, clarkeducationadvocacy. 167 00:16:03,946.86246485 --> 00:16:06,181.66246485 org. 168 00:16:06,631.76246485 --> 00:16:08,151.76246485 And fill out the contact form.
Welcome to the Parents Guide to Advocacy.
I'm your host, Ashley Hinkle.
My mission is to equip, empower, and support parents to become fierce advocates for their children's unique educational needs. 4 00:00:17,669.999 --> 00:00:26,130 Our goal as a community is to be resourced and resilient parents, continually growing, to be the safe place our children need.
(00:26):
If ending the feelings of overwhelm, guilt, and frustration to embrace courage, perseverance, and empowerment, we Sound good to you? Then let's go. 6 00:00:42,862.095464853 --> 00:00:48,712.095464853 Speak from my personal experience of trying to find stability amid constant demands and chaos. 7 00:00:49,452.094464853 --> 00:00:56,352.424036281 As we dig into something I've called the domino effect in our household, I want to affirm your feelings of exhaustion and overwhelm. 8 00:00:56,352.424036281 --> 00:00:58,33.338321995 Raising kids is hard. 9 00:00:58,33.338321995 --> 00:01:01,395.166893424 Raising kids with extra needs is even harder. 10 00:01:01,395.166893424 --> 00:01:10,317.095464853 If you or your partner are also neurodivergent, That may add more challenges on top of an already swaying Jenga tower. 11 00:01:11,407.095464853 --> 00:01:14,857.095464853 We are with you in the day to day journey of personal growth. 12 00:01:15,587.094464853 --> 00:01:18,347.095464853 We don't have this 100 percent figured out by any means. 13 00:01:19,187.094464853 --> 00:01:20,617.095464853 Most days it's far from it. 14 00:01:21,257.095464853 --> 00:01:29,107.095464853 But, I hope to share some thoughts that have helped make sense of really confusing times, and to remind you that you are not alone. 15 00:01:30,527.095464853 --> 00:01:35,627.095464853 Here's a glimpse into the Hinkle House, before we had diagnoses for Luke and my husband. 16 00:01:36,672.095464853 --> 00:01:42,272.09546485 I would make preparations and set up my proverbial dominoes to make sure our routines flowed smoothly. 17 00:01:42,762.09546485 --> 00:01:49,312.09546485 Then, my husband would be distracted or overstimulated and knock over my beautiful arrangement of dominoes. 18 00:01:49,842.09446485 --> 00:01:57,52.09546485 I would have food packed, supplies in the car, and all we needed to do before going to the park was put on the shoes. 19 00:01:58,502.09546485 --> 00:02:04,112.09546485 No matter how early I tried to arrive somewhere, we would face several hurdles just trying to load everyone in the car. 20 00:02:04,772.09546485 --> 00:02:07,362.09446485 Sometimes we would have a great plan to get me a break. 21 00:02:07,917.09546485 --> 00:02:10,947.09546485 Then before shoes were on, we had all kids crying. 22 00:02:11,357.09546485 --> 00:02:18,967.09546485 One literally stripping out of their clothes in refusal to leave, and another fixated on going upstairs to gather items in their room. 23 00:02:19,977.09546485 --> 00:02:26,477.09546485 Our 2-year-old is screaming as she uses all of her baby M to win the tug of war with her older sister for a toy. 24 00:02:27,627.09546485 --> 00:02:35,737.09546485 And before long my anxiety was triggered, arguments ensued, and we were all dysregulated from my friend's stories. 25 00:02:36,142.09546485 --> 00:02:41,382.09546485 I'm confident we aren't the only family that experiences moments of pure chaos. 26 00:02:42,632.09546485 --> 00:02:50,492.09546485 To cope with the lack of control and composure in our house, I went into anxious pursuer mode and would try to fix whatever problem presented itself. 27 00:02:51,152.09446485 --> 00:02:56,722.09546485 I'd set the dominoes back up in a different arrangement, sure that my plans would work this time. 28 00:02:57,602.09546485 --> 00:03:04,952.09546485 Inevitably, the dominoes would fall, was on repeat, and I would set them up again in yet another way. 29 00:03:05,472.09546485 --> 00:03:08,932.09546485 I was sure we'd meet our needs and magically solve our issues. 30 00:03:09,962.09546485 --> 00:03:14,62.09546485 After years of this strategy failing repeatedly, I hit a wall. 31 00:03:14,762.09546485 --> 00:03:16,282.09546485 I was resentful and burned out. 32 00:03:16,902.09546485 --> 00:03:18,512.09546485 I was angry and short tempered. 33 00:03:19,212.09546485 --> 00:03:21,102.09446485 I couldn't stand the way I felt inside. 34 00:03:21,622.09446485 --> 00:03:26,542.09546485 Full of mom rage and missing the joy of the early childhood years that only came once. 35 00:03:27,652.09446485 --> 00:03:29,342.09546485 That's when a small light bulb went off. 36 00:03:30,52.09546485 --> 00:03:34,532.09546485 I needed to look at myself and see how I contributed to our family's dynamic. 37 00:03:35,147.09546485 --> 00:03:43,737.09546485 How was I showing up for the people I love most? When I was ashamed of the answer, I decided to dig deeper into my own personal growth. 38 00:03:44,937.09546485 --> 00:03:49,917.09546485 I recommend you try looking in the mirror and reflecting on what you bring to the table in your family. 39 00:03:50,557.09446485 --> 00:03:54,347.09546485 This is scary, it's bold, and it's life changing. 40 00:03:55,367.09446485 --> 00:04:04,707.09446485 When you learn more about yourself, become equipped with the missing skills needed to grow, and apply those healthy skills in your family life, it's a game changer. 41 00:04:05,807.09446485 --> 00:04:14,497.09546485 Try asking yourself, why is this triggering me? Once you find the root cause of your frustrations, work through the reasons behind your triggers. 42 00:04:15,477.09546485 --> 00:04:21,527.09546485 Personally, I tend to function with a sense of hyper responsibility that increases stress and anxiety. 43 00:04:22,127.09546485 --> 00:04:24,347.09546485 I take on responsibilities that are not mine. 44 00:04:24,897.09546485 --> 00:04:27,627.09546485 I try to fix every problem, and I eventually burn out. 45 00:04:28,477.09546485 --> 00:04:36,267.09546485 I'm working on seeing opportunities to stay in my lane and let others take responsibility for their choices and the resulting consequences. 46 00:04:37,147.09546485 --> 00:04:39,512.09546485 But it's hard because you want to help the people you love. 47 00:04:40,582.09546485 --> 00:05:03,42.09546485 Just as you think I need to help them, ask yourself, what skill would I be preventing them from learning that will help them in the long run? This question has helped me pull back my impulse to take responsibility and fix the problem because I realized that in some situations, the most loving thing I can do is let that person learn it for themselves. 48 00:05:03,982.09546485 --> 00:05:05,232.09546485 They will be stronger for it. 49 00:05:06,472.09546485 --> 00:05:09,322.09546485 They will be more resilient and more confident in their own abilities. 50 00:05:10,102.09546485 --> 00:05:14,32.09546485 It's a delicate balance of discerning when our help as parents is really needed. 51 00:05:14,912.09546485 --> 00:05:21,202.09546485 We won't get it right all the time, but we can always go back and repair mistakes and learn from the misses. 52 00:05:22,612.09546485 --> 00:05:28,722.09546485 When we let others take the proper responsibility for their actions, we actually begin to unburden ourselves too. 53 00:05:30,12.09446485 --> 00:05:35,12.09546485 In fact, we have to unburden ourselves because most of the time, no one else will. 54 00:05:36,12.09546485 --> 00:05:43,42.09546485 We can carry the stress of our children, partners, family, friends, and work demands to the point of breaking. 55 00:05:43,432.09546485 --> 00:05:44,142.09546485 Under the weight. 56 00:05:45,442.09546485 --> 00:05:50,912.09546485 But when we start removing one dumbbell at a time, our world starts to feel a little lighter. 57 00:05:51,542.09546485 --> 00:05:54,122.09546485 We don't have to carry the weight of the world on our shoulders. 58 00:05:55,232.09546485 --> 00:06:14,182.09546485 There is freedom in zooming out and asking ourselves, is this my burden to carry? Is that my job to fix? How can I support them without taking on their responsibilities? I've found that my kids learn the most when I step back and allow them to experience the effects of their choices. 59 00:06:15,242.09446485 --> 00:06:17,412.09546485 Of course, I step in if it's a safety issue. 60 00:06:18,492.09546485 --> 00:06:31,102.09546485 But if my son is having a meltdown and misses a play date at the park, I affirm that it is sad we missed hanging out with our friends, and next time, we need to work on leaving on time. 61 00:06:32,142.09546485 --> 00:06:37,422.09546485 I'll explain that the meltdown took up the time we would have used to get ready and drive to the park. 62 00:06:38,132.09546485 --> 00:06:43,522.09546485 Once my son is calm and some time has passed, I would ask him what made him so upset. 63 00:06:44,562.09546485 --> 00:06:52,182.09546485 It's helpful to always ask what is behind a behavior, even if we think we know, because the answer will often surprise us. 64 00:06:53,412.09546485 --> 00:06:58,872.09546485 For instance, one morning before school, Luke started doing things that he knew would be a problem. 65 00:06:59,542.09546485 --> 00:07:06,732.09546485 He started dragging his desk across the floor into another room, and refused to do his usual routine of using the bathroom and putting on shoes. 66 00:07:07,332.09546485 --> 00:07:08,442.09546485 Finally, it clicked. 67 00:07:09,22.09546485 --> 00:07:10,192.09546485 He's avoiding something. 68 00:07:10,862.09546485 --> 00:07:14,102.09546485 Luke was avoiding getting in the car for school because it was field day. 69 00:07:14,982.09546485 --> 00:07:21,322.09546485 Even though there were fun things ahead, change is hard for Luke, and he doesn't like not knowing his exact schedule. 70 00:07:22,112.09546485 --> 00:07:25,802.09546485 The unknown and uncertainty become overwhelming for him. 71 00:07:26,347.09546485 --> 00:07:29,467.09546485 When he has to face a transition he hasn't experienced before. 72 00:07:30,527.09546485 --> 00:07:36,387.09546485 I had pre gamed him an hour before at breakfast and explained as much information about field day as I knew. 73 00:07:37,207.09546485 --> 00:07:41,27.09546485 I also told him who to go to for confirmation of the schedule. 74 00:07:41,777.09546485 --> 00:07:47,517.09646485 I felt like I had gotten ahead of any potential meltdowns and an hour later it still happened. 75 00:07:48,697.09646485 --> 00:07:51,687.09546485 I'll pause here and say, I see you my friend. 76 00:07:52,437.09546485 --> 00:07:54,527.09546485 Raising differently wired kids is hard. 77 00:07:54,877.09546485 --> 00:07:58,227.09546485 We love them deeply and it's okay that it's hard. 78 00:07:58,807.09546485 --> 00:08:01,837.09546485 We can hold space for those two truths to exist at once. 79 00:08:02,997.09546485 --> 00:08:10,167.09546485 Often, I stop in the middle of a meltdown and just remind myself that this is intense and it will pass. 80 00:08:11,127.09546485 --> 00:08:13,347.09446485 The moment will pass and the feelings will pass. 81 00:08:13,957.09446485 --> 00:08:21,797.09446485 It doesn't fix anything immediately, but it gives me that little bit of bandwidth to survive that moment and love my child at the same time. 82 00:08:22,807.09446485 --> 00:08:28,617.09446485 Practicing self compassion when things go sideways helps me also manage the mom guilt that loves to show up. 83 00:08:29,657.09446485 --> 00:08:31,267.09446485 Try to talk to yourself like a friend. 84 00:08:31,332.09546485 --> 00:08:33,452.09546485 I encourage the good things happening. 85 00:08:34,112.09546485 --> 00:08:37,112.09546485 You can make a plan later on how to improve and respond differently. 86 00:08:37,832.09546485 --> 00:08:41,742.09546485 But when you're feeling underwater, like you can't breathe from the stress. 87 00:08:42,282.09546485 --> 00:08:44,852.09546485 Be a friend to yourself and show up with kindness. 88 00:08:46,162.09446485 --> 00:08:55,172.09646485 For those of you who are like me and love a bulleted list of takeaway points to implement, here are a few suggestions to help you find more stability in your life. 89 00:08:55,982.09646485 --> 00:09:01,162.09646485 Find a licensed marriage and family therapist or a therapist trained to help with your particular needs. 90 00:09:01,577.09646485 --> 00:09:04,197.09646485 This can be a safe space when we need to fall apart. 91 00:09:05,827.09646485 --> 00:09:09,657.09646485 Number two, intentionally look for new healthy friendships. 92 00:09:10,237.09646485 --> 00:09:13,747.09646485 Make friends within the special needs community your family identifies with. 93 00:09:14,397.09646485 --> 00:09:15,847.09546485 They will know what you're going through. 94 00:09:16,457.09546485 --> 00:09:21,17.09546485 Also, make friends outside of this community to get breaks from time to time. 95 00:09:22,257.09646485 --> 00:09:27,917.09546485 Number three, go back to some of the things you did before that brought you joy or rest. 96 00:09:28,517.09646485 --> 00:09:29,417.09646485 This one is fun. 97 00:09:30,87.09646485 --> 00:09:37,887.09646485 What did you like to do before kids that was fun and recharging? I would love laying at the pool with a book and getting my tan on. 98 00:09:38,617.09646485 --> 00:09:43,267.09646485 Maybe you would like to have a quiet breakfast and be able to eat it while it's still warm. 99 00:09:44,687.09646485 --> 00:09:50,77.09646485 One thing that has been really healing for me is getting back into church, reading devotionals and meeting new people. 100 00:09:50,897.09546485 --> 00:09:57,297.09646485 I was afraid to go back to church after COVID because I was anxious about how my differently wired children would be treated. 101 00:09:58,217.09646485 --> 00:10:05,427.09646485 I searched and was able to find a local church with a program for children with special needs that has multiple areas to view the service. 102 00:10:06,57.09646485 --> 00:10:09,807.09646485 From rather than just the traditional sanctuary that requires quiet. 103 00:10:10,797.09646485 --> 00:10:13,107.09646485 Quiet is something the hinkles don't do well. 104 00:10:13,997.09646485 --> 00:10:26,897.09646485 If your faith was important to you and fear is a barrier to getting back to it, I encourage you to consider working through that fear, and when you're ready to try again, find the place that you feel comfortable. 105 00:10:28,577.09646485 --> 00:10:34,567.09646485 Okay, number four, find ways to recharge away from your people and responsibilities. 106 00:10:35,57.09646485 --> 00:10:36,587.09646485 Do something you love alone. 107 00:10:37,147.09646485 --> 00:10:46,822.09646485 Do you like running, seeing a movie? Grabbing Starbucks and taking a drive? Doing something enjoyable on our own can refill our empty tanks from all of the caregiving. 108 00:10:47,352.09646485 --> 00:10:51,932.09646485 Besides, we actually have to refill our tanks to be able to function and take care of our people. 109 00:10:53,322.09546485 --> 00:10:53,952.09646485 Number five. 110 00:10:54,422.09646485 --> 00:10:55,962.09646485 Define those core values. 111 00:10:56,522.09646485 --> 00:10:58,212.09546485 Get clarity on what's important to you. 112 00:10:58,622.09646485 --> 00:11:03,192.09646485 You will be able to make decisions that help you live in alignment with your authentic self. 113 00:11:03,842.09646485 --> 00:11:06,292.09646485 I've found that this helps fight off the depression and anxiety. 114 00:11:06,872.09646485 --> 00:11:08,802.09646485 I experienced when the dominoes are falling. 115 00:11:09,642.09646485 --> 00:11:16,532.09546485 Core values help you make decisions that align with your goals and put you in a relationship with people with similar values. 116 00:11:17,852.09646485 --> 00:11:21,642.09646485 Number six, avoid conflicts and quarrels. 117 00:11:22,312.09646485 --> 00:11:29,152.09546485 In the Bible, Philippians 2, 14 through 16 discourages us from getting into fights with others. 118 00:11:29,472.09546485 --> 00:11:30,702.09546485 So we will be blameless. 119 00:11:31,412.09546485 --> 00:11:35,422.09546485 Be cognizant of not engaging in fights with your partner or anyone else. 120 00:11:35,832.09546485 --> 00:11:38,352.09546485 It protects you from feeling the weight of blame. 121 00:11:38,797.09646485 --> 00:11:40,287.09646485 and all the stress that brings. 122 00:11:40,987.09646485 --> 00:11:43,697.09646485 Chaos is a ripe time for conflict and arguments. 123 00:11:44,407.09646485 --> 00:11:50,887.09646485 Stand strong here, and when you feel those heightened emotions, try to self regulate and address the issue later. 124 00:11:51,697.09646485 --> 00:11:52,817.09646485 This is hard for me. 125 00:11:53,217.09546485 --> 00:11:55,787.09646485 When my emotions are turned up, it's go time. 126 00:11:56,677.09646485 --> 00:12:03,137.09646485 Every time that I give in to the impulse to let the emotions win, and I engage in a fight, I regret it. 127 00:12:04,637.09646485 --> 00:12:09,47.09646485 I feel guilt, shame, and fear that I've damaged a relationship with someone I love. 128 00:12:10,617.09646485 --> 00:12:13,7.09646485 Being self controlled and dwelling on positive things. 129 00:12:13,562.09646485 --> 00:12:14,732.09646485 Will help settle your mind. 130 00:12:15,542.09646485 --> 00:12:18,152.09646485 Scientifically, it takes 20 minutes to calm down. 131 00:12:18,562.09646485 --> 00:12:29,252.09646485 Once you're emotionally escalated, try to take a walk, read a book, do anything else Until those emotions are turned down, then you can return and have a healthier conversation. 132 00:12:30,122.09646485 --> 00:12:36,2.09646485 By choosing to deescalate the situation, you prevented getting hit by the second wave of chaos. 133 00:12:36,512.09646485 --> 00:12:45,932.09646485 There is this cycle of chaos we can easily get trapped in when dealing with complicated family dynamics and conflicting needs, it looks a little something like this. 134 00:12:46,662.09646485 --> 00:12:56,822.09646485 Chaos begins, emotions escalate, people become dysregulated, fights ensue, and this leads full circle to another round of chaos. 135 00:12:57,662.09646485 --> 00:13:00,802.09646485 I don't know about you, but the first round of chaos is enough. 136 00:13:01,372.09646485 --> 00:13:06,482.09546485 We don't need to go through an exhausting emotional battle just to get hit with another wave of chaos. 137 00:13:07,572.09546485 --> 00:13:13,902.09646485 All of this being said, we have to show up as stable parents for our kids who can flip chaos into stability. 138 00:13:14,552.09646485 --> 00:13:18,862.09646485 We can't control all of our circumstances, or the events we experience. 139 00:13:19,597.09646485 --> 00:13:26,867.09646485 But we can control how we respond, how we show up ourselves for our kids, and where we choose to focus our energy. 140 00:13:27,967.09646485 --> 00:13:31,337.09646485 For me, I was tired of focusing on my fears and anxieties. 141 00:13:32,177.09646485 --> 00:13:38,927.09546485 I wanted to be a present mom who enjoyed my kids for the tiny people they are, despite the chaos around us. 142 00:13:39,667.09546485 --> 00:13:46,607.09646485 Life can hit us in the face, but what choice do we have? We can let things overcome us, or we can overcome them. 143 00:13:47,437.09646485 --> 00:13:48,727.09646485 I choose resilience. 144 00:13:49,737.09546485 --> 00:13:52,377.09546485 There are times when I have been, and will be, knocked down. 145 00:13:53,127.09646485 --> 00:13:56,827.09646485 And I know that I will do the work to get back up and thrive. 146 00:13:57,387.09646485 --> 00:13:58,927.09646485 Giving up is not an option. 147 00:13:59,597.09646485 --> 00:14:00,737.09646485 Our kids need us. 148 00:14:01,387.09646485 --> 00:14:05,817.09646485 They need to be equipped with the skills needed to adapt and adjust to this world. 149 00:14:06,857.09446485 --> 00:14:10,347.09546485 If we don't have those skills ourselves, then we need to learn them. 150 00:14:11,577.09546485 --> 00:14:18,457.09546485 We can prepare ourselves to be a safe anchor for our kids by handling our own struggles and propensity to engage in chaos. 151 00:14:19,632.09546485 --> 00:14:27,792.09546485 My hope today is that we can all zoom out from the side of the table with all the fallen dominoes and see what's happening around us in the room. 152 00:14:28,602.09546485 --> 00:14:33,242.09546485 Notice the moving pieces that are knocking down our dominoes or stealing our patience. 153 00:14:34,62.09446485 --> 00:14:43,782.09546485 Gain context to help process why the dominoes fell and have the freedom to put the dominoes back in the box because most of them aren't yours to set up anyway. 154 00:14:44,792.09546485 --> 00:14:46,622.09546485 Until next time, Ash. 155 00:14:49,386.76246485 --> 00:14:50,716.76246485 Hey there, before you go. 156 00:14:51,311.76246485 --> 00:14:53,561.76246485 Please go on iTunes and leave me a review. 157 00:14:54,201.76246485 --> 00:14:58,661.76246485 It will help more parents become resourced and resilient advocates for their children. 158 00:14:59,501.76246485 --> 00:15:11,261.76246485 Also, if you feel overwhelmed and unfamiliar with what services are available for your child and what to ask for in an IEP meeting, then visit my website sparkeducationadvocacy. 159 00:15:12,161.76246485 --> 00:15:12,501.76246485 org. 160 00:15:13,291.76246485 --> 00:15:26,71.76246485 If you are ready to become your child's best advocate in IEP meetings and in social life experiences, I provide parent coaching, and IEP representation, both virtually and in person. 161 00:15:26,651.76246485 --> 00:15:32,261.76246485 I will help you break down the special education system and IEP documents in a relatable way. 162 00:15:32,701.76146485 --> 00:15:35,361.76246485 So it's less complicated and more manageable. 163 00:15:36,206.76246485 --> 00:15:40,786.76246485 Together, we will defeat the inner voices of guilt, overwhelm, and frustration. 164 00:15:41,416.76246485 --> 00:15:49,806.76246485 You will be equipped with the knowledge and communication skills necessary to hold school staff accountable for meeting our children's educational needs. 165 00:15:50,656.76246485 --> 00:15:56,746.76246485 I'll also share the key questions and phrases I use in IEP meetings to get things done. 166 00:15:57,516.76246485 --> 00:16:03,946.76246485 If you're ready to take your seat as your child's expert at the IEP table, go to my website, clarkeducationadvocacy. 167 00:16:03,946.86246485 --> 00:16:06,181.66246485 org. 168 00:16:06,631.76246485 --> 00:16:08,151.76246485 And fill out the contact form.
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