How do couples redefine intimacy when chronic illness changes everything? — Lisa Gray

On Pleasure Principles, host Avik gets tactical about intimacy beyond sex when chronic illness enters the chat. Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Lisa Gray, who lives with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, lays out an actionable playbook: separate sex from intimacy, center attunement over performance, and rebuild connection through presence, curiosity, and clear communication. We unpack grief on both sides of the partnership, values-led choices (Acceptance & Commitment Therapy), and simple practices—from a six-second kiss to silent co-regulation—that revive closeness without risking flare-ups. If pain, fatigue, meds, or fear changed what’s physically possible, this convo shows how to pivot without losing the relationship thread. 

About the guest:

Lisa Gray, LMFT, is a San Francisco Bay Area couples therapist specializing in high-conflict dynamics and the unique stressors chronic illness brings to relationships. As an author and clinician, she blends lived experience with evidence-based frameworks to help partners rebuild connection that lasts.

Key takeaways :

• Chronic illness impacts the system (both partners) — expect grief on both sides and name it to avoid resentment.

• Separate sex from intimacy: treat connection as the main event; sensuality ≠ intercourse.

• Start small to reduce pressure and pain risk: eye contact, hand-holding, cuddling, mindful breathing, unhurried make-outs.

• Use Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (ACT): accept hard feelings, then behave from values, not moods.

• Rebuild attunement: slow down, track each other’s cues, and prioritize soothing touch over performance.

• Conversation sequencing matters: lead with curiosity and validation before problem-solving.

• Caregiver/partner guilt is common; surface it early to prevent isolation and scorekeeping.

• Micro-rituals create momentum: Gottman’s six-second kiss, scheduled “no-goal” connection time, weekly check-ins.

• Identity drift is real; don’t let diagnosis define you—rebalance life so partnership isn’t always “after the illness.”

• Define your new intimacy menu together: boundaries, energy windows, meds timing, comfort positions, and aftercare.

Connect with the guest:

Website (books): https://www.lisagrayauthor.com/ Instagram: @LisaGrayMFT

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Disclaimer: This video is for educational and informational purposes only. The views expressed are the personal opinions of the guest and do not reflect the views of the host or Healthy Mind By Avik™️. We do not intend to harm, defame, or discredit any person, organization, brand, product, country, or profession mentioned. All third-party media used remain the property of their respective owners and are used under fair use for informational purposes. By watching, you acknowledge and accept this disclaimer.

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