September 22, 2024 • 12 mins
Welcome to this week's episode of my podcast. I'm a bit late getting this one out, but life happens. Today, I want to share my personal experiences with PTSD and the nightmares that come with it.
I'm not a doctor or a therapist, just someone who's been through it. My nightmares are vivid and often lead to me acting out, sometimes even falling out of bed. These episodes affect my sleep, mood, and overall quality of life. I call them "ghosts of the past" because they keep trying to creep back into my life.
If you're dealing with similar issues, it's crucial to seek help. Whether it's talking to a therapist or reaching out to support groups, getting help can make a significant difference. It's important to understand how your trauma can affect not just you but also your loved ones.
Join me as I discuss the importance of not isolating yourself, seeking the right medical and emotional support, and understanding the impact of PTSD on your life and family. Let's navigate these challenges together and find ways to manage the pain and trauma.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hello, and welcome to my podcast. Well, I'm a little late this week getting
my podcast out. Sorry about that.
But sometimes things happen and it just doesn't work out real well and I don't get it out on time.
So this week, I want to talk about PTSD and nightmares.
Something I am intimately aware and have experienced.
(00:24):
I'm not a doctor. I'm not a therapist. I'm nobody. and I have always been nobody, a nobody.
So don't expect me to give you any answers.
I'm just sharing my experiences with you. And with that, I hope that you can
take that and use it to help you in your life. Okay.
(00:45):
So yeah, I have PTSD, right?
And everybody has some type of trauma. And I've heard people use the word PTSD
a lot in my life, but I have PTSD in a way that affects me drastically. And I have nightmares.
(01:06):
They come and go. They are very vivid and I'm not going to go into what they're
about, but they are strong, vivid, horrible.
And a lot of times I end up acting out what's happening when I'm asleep and
I end up falling out of bed. Now I'm a big guy.
(01:26):
I'm 55 years old and I will fall out of bed.
Sometimes I'll grab my wife. Sometimes I'll grab her around the neck.
Sometimes I've never hurt her, but those things happen.
It's gotten to the point now that I should wear a football helmet and pads to
bed because I fall out so often.
Luckily, I'm practically indestructible when it comes to physical things.
(01:51):
I mean, I do have a head injury, but physically it's hard to hurt me because,
of my musculature, my bones are thick, I have a lot of padding,
and you know, that kind of thing.
So luckily that I don't get hurt very easily, but I do fall out of bed a lot
because of these nightmares.
(02:11):
And they do affect me, right? Because it affects my sleep, and it affects my
mood the next day and it affects, it brings back those memories and those situations and those feelings.
And I can't let that.
I can't let that affect my life, right?
But it keeps trying to creep back into my life. I call it ghosts, right?
(02:35):
Because they're ghosts of the past that keep trying to come back into my life.
And nothing really makes it go away.
So those memories and those situations always try to creep back into my life.
And that's horrible. And it has been, you know, for as long as I can remember.
(02:58):
And that's just, you know, the way it is.
And I don't know for you or how you experience it, because everybody experiences
things differently, right?
Nobody actually experiences the same thing the same way. And,
but for me, it's horrible.
(03:18):
It's absolutely horrible. And it just doesn't ever stop.
And, you know, it gives me breaks, you know, I'll have a month or so when it
doesn't, it's not there, but then it comes back and it's horrible.
And when I was working, you know, I'd have to get up at 4.30 in the morning, go to work and come back.
(03:38):
And, you know, and I had sleep apnea.
I didn't have a machine. And I mean, the exhaustion was just endless.
And so that was even worse.
But you get used to living a certain way and existing in a certain manner.
And I guess that's even worse.
(04:00):
Worse so what what I'm trying to say
is if you're in that part of your life
where you have a family right and you're existing
with these things and you're working and trying to stay alive and you got say
sleep apnea and these nightmares and you're going to work and you're coming
(04:20):
home and you're I had an outlet I would go to the gym and work out for an hour or so and then I would go
home and then I'd be around my family for a little while, but I tried to stay
away from my kids, you know, and that was a problem.
I love my kids, but I tried not to be too close around them because I was always
(04:42):
on edge, right? I was always on that.
That nice edge of, you know, how far can I be pushed?
And I didn't want to be angry around them too much. I love them,
but I didn't want them to experience that.
So, but you have to realize that affects your family.
(05:03):
You know, you can't let that affect your family. That is those experiences,
stealing your time with your family and the love you could be giving to your family away from you.
And you got to get help, right?
And that is, nobody perceives what you're doing.
Life is perception, okay? And I understand that you perceive you're avoiding
(05:30):
them and you're trying to not have them experience this horribleness.
But they don't perceive that the way you perceive that, right?
They perceive you as being away from them, angry dad, bad dad.
What you're perceiving is I'm trying to separate myself so I don't bleed all this over onto them.
(05:57):
But life is all about perception, man, how they perceive you.
So you have to understand, you know, you need to get help.
I have all these years of experience bottled up that I'm trying to share with you.
And please listen to me, because if you don't, the things that happen in my
life are going to happen in yours.
(06:18):
And it's important, you know, it really, really is.
I'm learning this over time now that the things that happen in my life can happen
to you, you know, like my head injury years and years ago.
Changed me, right? Changed who I was drastically.
(06:39):
And just recently, apparently this combination of drugs they're giving me is
helping me think straight.
Now, it's not because they were trying to help me think straight.
It's just because the combination of drugs, like Ritalin and some of the other,
whatever, antidepressants are working in a way that's helping me think a lot clearer, right?
(06:59):
And the Ritalin is helping with ADHD.
And I guess I had ADHD and the head injuries and whatever.
I'm not thinking a lot clearer about what was going on. Now I understand better,
but see those things are clearing my mind a lot more than what it was has ever been.
And now I understand so much more of what was happening in my life.
(07:24):
And it's important, man, that you start realizing that you need to be reaching out for help, okay?
And talking to people, man. A therapist is a good start, but maybe you need
some, you know, some medical attention, you know?
Especially if these nightmares are interfering with your daily life,
(07:49):
you know? I mean, I don't think they can ever take them away.
I don't think they can ever pull that out of you.
I don't think they can ever change who you really are, but they can help you
deal with them in a better way.
Okay. You don't want to, you don't want to isolate yourself,
right? I isolated myself.
I tried to pull myself out of the situation and that's not the way to go, right?
(08:13):
See, I had another problem, right? Is, is I had this, this issue with feeling
like I had to take care of everything, right?
I was always the one that had to be responsible for everything.
I was always responsible for everything. And that is a big issue too, right?
(08:34):
That comes with PTSD, PTSD, my issue with PTSD, you know, trauma that goes way back.
And you can't be that either, right? You have to look at the whole package, right?
PTSD and trauma and all this stuff is a package deal.
So you have to unpackage the whole situation and learn about what's actually going on with you.
(09:00):
So it's, it's just a major, it's a major deal.
And the way that the people in your life perceive you can be really bad.
You may not see it, but the people that love you and you want to love you may
have a totally wrong perception of what you're trying to do.
(09:22):
So, and it could be caused by the fact that you're dealing with huge traumatic issues.
And you don't want to leave them with that memory of you when they finally grow
up and leave your house, right?
I mean, I don't mind being alone, actually. I'm kind of a solitary person in that manner.
(09:45):
But, you know, when you get like, I don't know, 80 years old,
you might want to have some family around you. I don't know.
You know, think about it.
So, you know, there are those things.
Also, having a nice pet around is a good thing.
It helps with some of those traumatic issues, but those nightmares,
man, they're horrible, and they just, they don't stop.
(10:07):
If you're having those kind of issues, reach out, man, and I don't know,
Veterans Affairs, you know, is kind of helpful.
If you get to that point where it's really bad, you could call the veterans
suicide line, that 1-800 number and talk to people there.
I mean, it's not really a suicide line. It is if you're like at that point,
(10:27):
but there are people that will talk to you too and just discuss things with you. They're helpful.
I've done it a couple of times when it just got to the point,
there was just no way I could deal with anything else.
Your family, you know, I don't know about opening up to your family about what
you're seeing in those dreams.
I mean, depending on how bad it is, maybe, you know, really close, your wife maybe.
(10:52):
But I'd be real careful about talking to them about what you're actually dealing with.
But I would definitely get with a therapist and start speaking to them about your issues.
I mean, you don't have to tell them details, you know. They don't need no details
about what was going on. But you do need to talk to them about the issues you're
dealing with, and they might be able to help you for sure.
(11:16):
It's just, you know, it's all about pain. You know, pain can be physical.
It can be mental. It can be emotional.
I mean, it's all about pain. And pain is just a horrible thing, man.
It's not something to be taken lightly.
And you know all of us who have
those traumatic issues live in pain and sometimes
(11:39):
people just don't see the pain you're experiencing they
perceive us just an angry sad person but you're actually in pain you're dealing
with all this pain and it is just terrible and I'm going to tell you brother
sister I can feel it I know it because I have been there so I'm going to cut this
(12:01):
one off a little early because I'm just babbling now, but you know, please,
if you're dealing with those nightmares and those issues.
Reach out to somebody, talk to them and work through it.
Hello, and welcome to my podcast. Well, I'm a little late this week getting
my podcast out. Sorry about that.
But sometimes things happen and it just doesn't work out real well and I don't get it out on time.
So this week, I want to talk about PTSD and nightmares.
Something I am intimately aware and have experienced.
(00:24):
I'm not a doctor. I'm not a therapist. I'm nobody. and I have always been nobody, a nobody.
So don't expect me to give you any answers.
I'm just sharing my experiences with you. And with that, I hope that you can
take that and use it to help you in your life. Okay.
(00:45):
So yeah, I have PTSD, right?
And everybody has some type of trauma. And I've heard people use the word PTSD
a lot in my life, but I have PTSD in a way that affects me drastically. And I have nightmares.
(01:06):
They come and go. They are very vivid and I'm not going to go into what they're
about, but they are strong, vivid, horrible.
And a lot of times I end up acting out what's happening when I'm asleep and
I end up falling out of bed. Now I'm a big guy.
(01:26):
I'm 55 years old and I will fall out of bed.
Sometimes I'll grab my wife. Sometimes I'll grab her around the neck.
Sometimes I've never hurt her, but those things happen.
It's gotten to the point now that I should wear a football helmet and pads to
bed because I fall out so often.
Luckily, I'm practically indestructible when it comes to physical things.
(01:51):
I mean, I do have a head injury, but physically it's hard to hurt me because,
of my musculature, my bones are thick, I have a lot of padding,
and you know, that kind of thing.
So luckily that I don't get hurt very easily, but I do fall out of bed a lot
because of these nightmares.
(02:11):
And they do affect me, right? Because it affects my sleep, and it affects my
mood the next day and it affects, it brings back those memories and those situations and those feelings.
And I can't let that.
I can't let that affect my life, right?
But it keeps trying to creep back into my life. I call it ghosts, right?
(02:35):
Because they're ghosts of the past that keep trying to come back into my life.
And nothing really makes it go away.
So those memories and those situations always try to creep back into my life.
And that's horrible. And it has been, you know, for as long as I can remember.
(02:58):
And that's just, you know, the way it is.
And I don't know for you or how you experience it, because everybody experiences
things differently, right?
Nobody actually experiences the same thing the same way. And,
but for me, it's horrible.
(03:18):
It's absolutely horrible. And it just doesn't ever stop.
And, you know, it gives me breaks, you know, I'll have a month or so when it
doesn't, it's not there, but then it comes back and it's horrible.
And when I was working, you know, I'd have to get up at 4.30 in the morning, go to work and come back.
(03:38):
And, you know, and I had sleep apnea.
I didn't have a machine. And I mean, the exhaustion was just endless.
And so that was even worse.
But you get used to living a certain way and existing in a certain manner.
And I guess that's even worse.
(04:00):
Worse so what what I'm trying to say
is if you're in that part of your life
where you have a family right and you're existing
with these things and you're working and trying to stay alive and you got say
sleep apnea and these nightmares and you're going to work and you're coming
(04:20):
home and you're I had an outlet I would go to the gym and work out for an hour or so and then I would go
home and then I'd be around my family for a little while, but I tried to stay
away from my kids, you know, and that was a problem.
I love my kids, but I tried not to be too close around them because I was always
(04:42):
on edge, right? I was always on that.
That nice edge of, you know, how far can I be pushed?
And I didn't want to be angry around them too much. I love them,
but I didn't want them to experience that.
So, but you have to realize that affects your family.
(05:03):
You know, you can't let that affect your family. That is those experiences,
stealing your time with your family and the love you could be giving to your family away from you.
And you got to get help, right?
And that is, nobody perceives what you're doing.
Life is perception, okay? And I understand that you perceive you're avoiding
(05:30):
them and you're trying to not have them experience this horribleness.
But they don't perceive that the way you perceive that, right?
They perceive you as being away from them, angry dad, bad dad.
What you're perceiving is I'm trying to separate myself so I don't bleed all this over onto them.
(05:57):
But life is all about perception, man, how they perceive you.
So you have to understand, you know, you need to get help.
I have all these years of experience bottled up that I'm trying to share with you.
And please listen to me, because if you don't, the things that happen in my
life are going to happen in yours.
(06:18):
And it's important, you know, it really, really is.
I'm learning this over time now that the things that happen in my life can happen
to you, you know, like my head injury years and years ago.
Changed me, right? Changed who I was drastically.
(06:39):
And just recently, apparently this combination of drugs they're giving me is
helping me think straight.
Now, it's not because they were trying to help me think straight.
It's just because the combination of drugs, like Ritalin and some of the other,
whatever, antidepressants are working in a way that's helping me think a lot clearer, right?
(06:59):
And the Ritalin is helping with ADHD.
And I guess I had ADHD and the head injuries and whatever.
I'm not thinking a lot clearer about what was going on. Now I understand better,
but see those things are clearing my mind a lot more than what it was has ever been.
And now I understand so much more of what was happening in my life.
(07:24):
And it's important, man, that you start realizing that you need to be reaching out for help, okay?
And talking to people, man. A therapist is a good start, but maybe you need
some, you know, some medical attention, you know?
Especially if these nightmares are interfering with your daily life,
(07:49):
you know? I mean, I don't think they can ever take them away.
I don't think they can ever pull that out of you.
I don't think they can ever change who you really are, but they can help you
deal with them in a better way.
Okay. You don't want to, you don't want to isolate yourself,
right? I isolated myself.
I tried to pull myself out of the situation and that's not the way to go, right?
(08:13):
See, I had another problem, right? Is, is I had this, this issue with feeling
like I had to take care of everything, right?
I was always the one that had to be responsible for everything.
I was always responsible for everything. And that is a big issue too, right?
(08:34):
That comes with PTSD, PTSD, my issue with PTSD, you know, trauma that goes way back.
And you can't be that either, right? You have to look at the whole package, right?
PTSD and trauma and all this stuff is a package deal.
So you have to unpackage the whole situation and learn about what's actually going on with you.
(09:00):
So it's, it's just a major, it's a major deal.
And the way that the people in your life perceive you can be really bad.
You may not see it, but the people that love you and you want to love you may
have a totally wrong perception of what you're trying to do.
(09:22):
So, and it could be caused by the fact that you're dealing with huge traumatic issues.
And you don't want to leave them with that memory of you when they finally grow
up and leave your house, right?
I mean, I don't mind being alone, actually. I'm kind of a solitary person in that manner.
(09:45):
But, you know, when you get like, I don't know, 80 years old,
you might want to have some family around you. I don't know.
You know, think about it.
So, you know, there are those things.
Also, having a nice pet around is a good thing.
It helps with some of those traumatic issues, but those nightmares,
man, they're horrible, and they just, they don't stop.
(10:07):
If you're having those kind of issues, reach out, man, and I don't know,
Veterans Affairs, you know, is kind of helpful.
If you get to that point where it's really bad, you could call the veterans
suicide line, that 1-800 number and talk to people there.
I mean, it's not really a suicide line. It is if you're like at that point,
(10:27):
but there are people that will talk to you too and just discuss things with you. They're helpful.
I've done it a couple of times when it just got to the point,
there was just no way I could deal with anything else.
Your family, you know, I don't know about opening up to your family about what
you're seeing in those dreams.
I mean, depending on how bad it is, maybe, you know, really close, your wife maybe.
(10:52):
But I'd be real careful about talking to them about what you're actually dealing with.
But I would definitely get with a therapist and start speaking to them about your issues.
I mean, you don't have to tell them details, you know. They don't need no details
about what was going on. But you do need to talk to them about the issues you're
dealing with, and they might be able to help you for sure.
(11:16):
It's just, you know, it's all about pain. You know, pain can be physical.
It can be mental. It can be emotional.
I mean, it's all about pain. And pain is just a horrible thing, man.
It's not something to be taken lightly.
And you know all of us who have
those traumatic issues live in pain and sometimes
(11:39):
people just don't see the pain you're experiencing they
perceive us just an angry sad person but you're actually in pain you're dealing
with all this pain and it is just terrible and I'm going to tell you brother
sister I can feel it I know it because I have been there so I'm going to cut this
(12:01):
one off a little early because I'm just babbling now, but you know, please,
if you're dealing with those nightmares and those issues.
Reach out to somebody, talk to them and work through it.
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