April 26, 2024 • 51 mins
Tune into Faith’s story. She’ll vulnerably describe the ins and outs of body image perception through her own experiences, and share a personal message to the listener.
Step into the captivating world of long-distance running in this episode of Raw Runners Podcast where we feature the inspiring journey of Faith Faller. Experience her determination, struggle, and ultimate transformation as she navigates the pressurized landscape of competitive sports. The episode involves wholesome discussions with hosts Lindsay and Luis, and it unravels Faith's love for running, the influence of her parents, and her views on body image, all while relishing her favorite pizza from Dimo's.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
🎵
Music.
(00:27):
Welcome to Raw Runners Podcast, podcast where runners share their most adverse
experiences and the ebbs and flows of their healing processes,
all while eating really good food.
Here we are, Raw Runners. I'm Lindsay.
I'm Luis. And today we have our guest. I'm Faith. Faith's here today.
(00:50):
We have a really good episode on our hands.
We're going to be talking a lot about the way that influences
affect some people's and really all of our running journeys
and how body image perception can be a major theme
in a lot of today's athletes and and beginners athletes which is also like everyday
life too right like with social media and like so much comparison going on in
(01:12):
the world and normalizing of that comparison the thief of joy so we did pick
up faith's favorite takeout delicious Delicious.
So tell us about what we've got today.
Yeah. So we stopped at Dimo's Pizza and picked up two out of three favorites.
They didn't have my absolute favorite, which is the Pep 2.0,
which is usually pepperoni and burrata and honey. Super tasty.
(01:36):
But yeah, it is. And then we did chicken and waffles and mac and cheese pizza.
But generally, these are like drunk foods.
You go like, if I'm being honest, it's like after a Cubs game,
we would walk down the street and get a slice of Demos pizza.
But really like the whole love of Demos pizza probably started in 2021.
Like I went on a date with my boyfriend and he was driving me around the city.
(01:59):
And the place we stopped was at Demos pizza to get a slice. We like people watch for a while.
They kind of like gave me a rundown on like the nightlife in Chicago. Like I'm not from here.
And so I was like watching people on the street. And yeah, so it's like sentimental.
We're there all the time now. And who's named after Demos? Oh, my dog.
(02:20):
Yeah. So my dog is named after Demos Pizza and he's freaking adorable.
What kind of dog do you have? He's like a mutt. So we got him from Mercer Animal Rescue.
Like right after the marathon, I was like, I'm emotionally vulnerable.
And we went to like a adoption event at Pilot Project.
It was actually like some of the guys from like Run Too Hard. I remember. Yeah.
(02:43):
And so like we were there and they had the puppies and nobody was going to take
these dogs home. And they're like, if they don't go home with the fosters, like we can't keep them.
And so like everyone was like, we're all going to foster the dogs.
And I took his name was Aster at the time. A-S-T-O-R, which I think is, you know, it's fine.
I just called him like puppy. Like I was like, that's not your name.
(03:05):
But like we took him home and I couldn't let him go.
Like I cried. like they like somebody put in an application for his
adoption and I sobbed and I was like he's mine like
you can't take him away from me I cried to Victor like
my boyfriend about it and he was like I guess I guess we can keep him like I
guess that's fine he was like that's not really like the plans we initially
(03:27):
had but like right so yeah Demo is now a part of our lives and his name is Demo
because you know wow we love pizza yeah how long has it been already now it's
been four Four months. Four months.
Oh, wow. Yeah, that was in the, so that was back in the summer.
It was, like, literally right after the marathon.
Run Too Hard did it. Right. Yeah. Yeah, I blame Run Too Hard for everything. Okay.
(03:47):
So, he went hard. Okay.
And has Deemo ever tried Deemo's? No, but he has a lot of pizza-themed toys.
And he has had Michael's pizza, like, that he stole off the counter of our apartment.
Because he's, like, quite tall. Okay. So, he, like, jumped up and got a slice
of pizza. He does like pizza, but I like pizza, too. We should try pizza, too. All right.
(04:12):
So what should we try first? The Mac, the chicken and waffles or the pepperoni? Oh, your choice.
What if we OK, let's do let's just work from like left to right.
So let's yeah, we can start with the Mac. So all right, let's go. Series.
(04:32):
This is a runner's probably heaven right now.
Well, you know, the dairy problem, maybe not all runners, but yeah,
maybe most runners, carbs on carbs.
Let's move on to the story.
Moving on. Okay. So we're here for running, not pizza.
(04:55):
Debatable. Debatable.
But we are here to hear your story. Okay. So take us back. Take us back all
the way to the beginning.
Just how it all started. Yeah. I mean, so I feel like it's like the best way
to say this is like my parents were runners first.
(05:16):
I think my dad started running marathons like when I was probably two or three,
like they pushed us in strollers.
And like my dad and mom both ran, they were like half marathon,
like marathon runners. We would go out with them on runs.
And then it was just kind of like a common theme to always be active and fit.
I was always like in competitive sports.
But I ran my first 5K, I think I was in like seventh grade.
(05:36):
And I really like I really enjoyed that. but there was
also always this era of like you have to win you
have to be number one what was really gratifying about that
first 5k what I really remember is like I finished I was
probably like 13 or 14 years old and like there weren't many 13 or 14 year old
running 5ks so I got a medal like I think I got like I was like first in my
(05:57):
age group I was like oh this is cool and it kind of just like sprung into like
what it is today I mean I ran in college and it took a few years off and now I'm running again.
So by the way, have you ever pushed a baby in a stroller?
I have not. And every time that I see that in someone else, I'm like,
I don't know how they do that because that's a whole other skill set,
(06:17):
more weight, more balance.
It's a challenge. I've done it. Like with my friend's kids, we'll meet on the 606. It's hard.
You're basically carrying weights while you're running. It's wild.
So kudos to your parents on that.
So it's kind of ingrained in from like a younger age to kind of like,
you know, hey, staying active.
(06:38):
So bring us to a little bit about the family dynamic.
Yeah. Like, you know, like I said, there's always like this desire to be like number one or to win.
When I was younger, my dad used to be like, well, second place is like the first place loser.
That was always a joke, but definitely like I say it still today.
So obviously it stuck with me.
Obviously it's ingrained in my brain.
(07:00):
Yeah, I think that when I grew up in a household that wanted to see you do the
best and they wanted to see you succeed, but I felt like there also wasn't any room for failure.
And so I think, obviously, things aren't always going to go your way.
And so you take it super hard. Was that external pressure?
Especially if you're coming from a family of athletes and there's already active
movement and stuff, you're like, oh, my God. And so where did the pressure come from? on was itself?
(07:24):
I mean, no, I definitely think, yeah, some of it's probably internalized.
I think that I was, I grew up like a people pleaser.
I think I've always been like very in tune to like what everybody wants and what everyone needs.
And then like the external pressure, like my dad played soccer in college.
My dad was like a collegiate athlete. And so when I like soccer was my first
sport, when I first started playing soccer, there was like already some pressure
(07:44):
there to like practice and be really good.
And like, I remember coming home from practice, love my dad so
much but I remember coming home from practicing games and like
we would be in the car and he would like be critiquing and
sometimes it would get loud and like you know like it wasn't always
like the best coaching you know but they're your parents and they want to see
(08:05):
you do well and so like as a kid I feel like you can't differentiate so like
obviously there's that pressure as a child you're soaking in everything right
like in the first years of your life that prefrontal cortex is not developed
right until her early 20s.
I argue to say mid to late 20s, maybe early 30s.
I'm just saying, you know, like it's like you're just soaking things in as they
(08:26):
are, as you're experiencing them.
And there's really not much else. Whereas as we get older, I think we're able
to kind of learn and all these things.
So I really, really want to hear about like your first year's running in school.
And because I know you suffered a string of injuries and I just really kind
of want to hear a little bit about that journey.
Yeah. OK. So like when I went to high school, like I kind of been recruited
(08:47):
to join the cross-country team.
Like people kind of knew that I came from a family of runners,
that I was like kind of quick.
And so I got recruited onto our high school cross-country team.
And I like, yeah, I had a string of injuries, even like when I came in as a freshman.
I think I only ran like the first half of my freshman season.
I enrolled in ankle playing soccer, whatever.
And then like just like throughout the years, had my first stress fracture my
(09:09):
senior year of high school.
What is a stress fracture? Yeah, I don't know. So it's like a hairline fracture
that generally comes from overuse and poor nutrition.
When I first got it, I just assumed that, like, I had been training at a really
high level, like, going into my senior year of high school.
My goal was to run in college, and I knew that.
And so I just kind of brushed it off as, like, oh, you've been training at a
(09:33):
really high level. You've been putting really high mileage on your body.
And, like, my dad had been helping coach me at the time. So,
like, we had kind of, like, walked through my mileage and my workouts and everything
I was doing in the summer to kind of, like, put me on that track to be able
to have a really great senior year and to be able to run in college.
I remember it started hurting in the middle of the summer.
And like I ran for a really long time on that dress fracture.
(09:54):
And by the time I went in there like, hey, if you had kept running on this,
like you probably would have actually fractured your leg like it would have been like a clean break.
Wow. And what I the most distinct memory I have is that the doc checked my leg
and then he wanted to look at my mouth.
I didn't understand, but he was like, I'm just checking to make sure that there's no erosion.
(10:15):
Because generally, women who run, who get stress fractures at young ages,
are taking part in some, like, eating disordered behavior.
Okay. And so he was checking to see, like, have you been making yourself throw up?
That was, like, the first time I had a conversation around nutrition and,
like, recovery and food and eating. And it wasn't, like, I feel like he could have been better.
But, like, he's a doctor. Like, bedside manner is, like, not always kind of
(10:38):
their strong suit. But like, yeah, that was the first time that I had ever been really injured.
And like, even when I found out I was injured, I didn't really like hit the
brakes or anything. I just was like, okay.
I started doing like water workouts. So I would like run, I would aqua jog.
Was the senior year of high school yeah I would
like wake up at like 5 a.m and go to the gym and aqua
(11:00):
jog and then I would go after school and
I would sit at the track because I was like on the team and I
would like watch practice and then I would go swim again so like
I swam too in high school I was I did all kinds of stuff I like ran
cross country I swam I played soccer I ran
track so like I just used like it
as cross training so I would just swim yeah and
(11:22):
so that was like the first like injury and
I I think I've handled it like well like actually
no did you have any thumbs before going to
the doctor yeah I did like I it hurt what
I had been I had been running all summer but it hurt there got to a point where
like it hurt really bad to even put pressure on it hurt to get out of bed I
(11:42):
remember like my mom was talking to me one day and like I was laying in bed
and she grabbed my leg and I sobbed because the pressure of her touching it
hurt so bad and And that was kind of the point where we were like,
something's really wrong.
And that's kind of like what sent me to the doctor. That's why.
Yeah. And so that was kind of like the beginning of like the whole stress fracture.
(12:02):
So it's senior year. You're recovering from this injury. You're swimming.
So you're doing things that are easy on it. Yeah. But you're still maintaining activity.
And then you're going into freshman year of college. Are you running in freshman year of college?
Yeah, I got to run for most of freshman year. I think it was like a really big transition.
So I like recovered from my injury. I was able to run track season.
(12:25):
In my senior year of high school. So I got to run in track.
I got to do like all the preseason training for cross country my freshman year of college.
And I was like really excited to go in because I finished my senior year of
high school. I did pretty well. I like got to go to regionals.
I didn't get to go to states.
We were in a really conference, so I didn't get to go to states.
But like I'd done really well.
I knew I was going to come in like as a pretty quick freshman at my college.
(12:47):
And like when I got there, it hit me like a friggin semi truck.
Like it was not the experience
I was expecting tell us more about that
yeah I mean I think I remember
walking to my coach's office the first week I
was like excited I had done all the pre-season training I wanted to have like
a really enthusiastic conversation about like running and what we would be doing
(13:08):
and he kind of looked at me I was like yeah yeah like that's all nice and he
was like you got a boyfriend and I was like yeah I said he's going to app which
is like a college that was like an hour or two away and he was like oh he's
like you guys will be broken up in two weeks.
And I was like, okay, thanks. He was like, yeah, it was like, nice to meet you too.
And like, he was kind of just like, he, I don't know.
(13:30):
I feel like he didn't have like the makings of a good coach.
Like he wasn't like very friendly or kind, at least to me.
And I feel like, I don't know. I didn't have a lot of really great interactions with him.
I think that he came in, he was like a really big hard ass. And I think he felt
like he had to prove something.
I think where he had come from, like he had kind of been pushed out.
He wanted to make us winners and he wanted us to be number one.
(13:51):
And I'm all for that, but like you have to build.
People up you know so you almost have someone who's
reinforcing what you're growing up with but with a more negative connotation
so so what happens that season well like
and what you're saying like not even just
like the more negative connotation but it's so much more pressure
because unlike my parents like my parents are still gonna love me like
(14:14):
obviously regardless of if i fail this man like could take
away like my scholarship like he had other power
over me that like other people couldn't have and like
my oh sorry like my my
like my life and like the person i
was was then like pretty strictly defined by
my performance and so that was like that
(14:35):
was scary and hard and i think that yeah and here you have this individual that's
supposed to be sort of in this development role of helping people grow and come
into themselves and and instead like just Just having you feel that safety net
that threatened, you know, your performance is questioned.
Just I think that like you come in, you're 18 when you go to school,
(14:56):
too. And it's like such a formidable time in your life.
And like you have an amazing opportunity to impact like a young person's life
and like help them build their confidence and help them learn to take care of themselves.
And like when you choose to meet people down instead, like you're not helping
them. You're not helping your team, which you're trying to cultivate.
Yeah, I don't really see the benefit of like. that.
(15:20):
So you're running your freshman year. You've got this coach.
Something else happens now, right? Your freshman year, didn't you sustain?
Was it freshman year you sustained another? It was my sophomore. So same coach. Yeah.
I had like some kind of like one-off injuries my freshman year.
Like I didn't have a great freshman season. I didn't run well.
What I really remember from my freshman year is that like you're in college,
(15:43):
you're trying to like away from your parents for the first time.
You know, it's fun. And you get to go out, you get to drink,
you like, you get to do all these things that you can't do when there's people
standing over your shoulder watching.
Yeah, it's so nice. And I think it was learning how to balance like sleep,
eating, which was really hard.
I think that that's really the first time where I was like, oh, I have to be small.
(16:03):
You know, I had teammates that were really small. I have to be small.
And so like, I struggled with nutrition and it started to show up in my races.
So like there were a couple of times where like I would finish a race and my
hands would be cramping or I would black out or my lips would be blue.
And we like that was due to an iron deficiency that I had developed basically from poor nutrition.
(16:23):
So what does a typical day look like in your nutrition at this point in time? time.
And normally like we were waking up pretty early. And so I wouldn't eat before our morning runs.
And then maybe my first meal of the day would be like, I don't know,
like a bagel with butter.
And I'd probably have that at like 10, something small for lunch and then something small for dinner.
I really like I was not eating a lot and I was not eating like well consistently.
(16:46):
And I think the other thing that was really hard is that no one had taught me how to fuel for races.
No one had taught me how to fuel for just kind of the amount of workout work we were doing.
And like Like, no one had said, hey, like, protein's important or like.
You need to make sure that you're doing these specific things.
Which is surprising because your parents were athletes. So like take us back.
(17:08):
What did that look like at home in terms of what you were taught or what you
were soaking in? Yeah. Even in your high school years.
Yeah. I mean, I think that in high school, I know like early in life,
I watched my mom diet a little bit.
And I think that that had something to do with it. And also like no shade to her, though.
I think the 2000s were like a crazy time.
Like if you look back on it. Oh, my mom was also a 100% a crash dieter and just
(17:33):
whatever was like the hip, she was on it.
And so, yes, 100% totally was at like a time. I think that was a very like popular theme.
The processed foods, the frozen Salisbury steaks, you know, the lean cuisines.
Yeah, just like we ate healthy.
Like in my mind, I'm like, we ate healthy.
(17:55):
But also, I think that my mom went back to work when I started high school.
There was no monitoring of what we were eating until like dinnertime.
So I was like burning a lot of calories. I was working out a lot in high school.
And all I would eat in the morning was a pack of Quaker oats with water.
For lunch I would have a cup of greens with
some sort of salad dressing and then I would
(18:17):
exercise for like two hours and come
home and have like whatever was for dinner and nobody nobody really realized
that like that wasn't okay because I always had an appetite like I was always
somebody who was eating but there was no coaching around like food because no
one was watching tell like us a little bit about the thoughts you're experiencing
on the days that you're not feeling Yeah.
(18:55):
To feel smaller like I probably skip and
then maybe I eat like a spoonful of peanut butter or something instead and
that was definitely like a habit that I had for a
long time eating ice chips like and it's
so sad to think back on it now but like I definitely like
those habits like at the time I was like this is normal well like
it wasn't helping me and I don't I don't know
(19:16):
why I did it other than the fact that I was like trying to
make myself small did you feel any kind of like bodily totally
negative reactions like and your workouts did
you feel like you didn't have enough fuel at any point like the tea
all the time all the time and i just assumed that
it was because i was too big and like that's sad too to
think about that you were too big yeah but also
(19:38):
at the age of 18 and the age of 20 like i
feel like i was just putting on like weight that needed to be there but
i think it was just like startling to me because i
had gone i think my senior year of high school I was like 110
pounds and like I had jumped up
to like 120 125 like really quickly some of
that was muscle we were doing like weight workouts for the first time ever but
(20:00):
I was just like not used to my body looking like that I spent
a lot of time like hyper fixating on it and how to make myself smaller
I think we like our coach kind of also emphasized like
being small I did have some really good girls
that I ran with like her name's Audra I love her so much
she was kind of on the other side of the whole thing she was a senior
definitely like a leader and she was always like encouraging us to.
(20:20):
Eat more and like at the time I was like that's like I
didn't I couldn't see what she was talking about because I was so close to
it but like now that I stand back I'm like she was really trying
to help us out and I like I appreciate her so much wow do you remember anything
moments when which your coach made any comments about size is there anything
(20:41):
that like comes out like there was definitely times where he asked me and other girls to drop weight.
You could stand to lose a few pounds type conversation, which is crazy.
That's crazy for any coach to say, especially a male coach, speaking to younger female runners.
Because I imagine that was just difficult because you wanted to be where you
(21:05):
were. Sure. Absolutely.
And you want to be like, when somebody comes with feedback like that,
too, it's like I felt like I was letting someone down, whether that be myself
or my family or my coach or my team.
Like, I felt like I was letting someone down because I wasn't like the way I was supposed to be.
So I really want to dive into this injury while you're with this coach,
because when you told me this, it really just hit me hard. And I feel like the viewers need to know.
(21:29):
Yeah. So that was my sophomore year.
So like freshman year, things didn't go super well. Well, I came into my sophomore
year, like, with a, like, I was so driven. I wanted to prove him wrong.
Like, I was definitely, like, running on spite, which no one should do.
Like, you shouldn't run on hate. It's so, it's so draining.
But, like, I was so angry and I wanted to run so hard and do so well.
(21:49):
And, like, for a while I did.
Like, I finally hit some of the goals that I had set for myself.
Like, I wanted to break 20 in a 5k. Boom, done, check.
Well, I remember kind of at the end of
it had to be the end of cross-country season like I started
to feel this pain in the back of my leg and I was like oh
no it's not that bad like I can keep running our
coach was really critical of injuries if you were injured you
(22:11):
were being lazy like you were slacking it wasn't seen as
like you take a break so you don't get worse it was
like keep going until you can't walk and we I
think by the time that we got to conference that year like 50 percent
of our team was injured more or less deteriorating really
no one's taking like from administration no one
from like oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah so like
(22:34):
i think that this this is around the time that like it starts like
this the alarms start going off in people's heads but
the end of cross-country season for me like my leg starts
hurting we make it through like indoor track season
i remember i had i had like
a day where i was running a 3k and then the next morning
i was running a 5k like kind of back-to-back races and
(22:54):
after the 5k I was like oh like I really can't walk and
I hadn't already been to like the athletic trainers like they thought I had
like partially torn a muscle in my calf and like we had tried all the massaging
and the cupping and the dry kneeling like we had gone through everything and
it just was so bad and they were like okay like we're gonna send you to get an MRI and I went.
(23:17):
And they were it was like, oh, it's a you have a stress fracture.
And I was so upset because I really thought I had done like such a better job
like training and taking care of myself.
But I think the craziest part of this whole story is that like I didn't get
to make it to conference.
And so like I'm sitting in the training room and my coach is frustrated because
I think I was like number one or number two.
(23:38):
And I needed to be in conference so we could score points. and
so he comes into the training room and he
grabs me during a workout and he's like i need you to come out to the track
and he tried to make me run he tried i was while you're in the training room
recovering he tried to get me to come out and he made me run a few laps and
i like limped around the track like i was like i physically can't run i was
(24:01):
so upset yeah i was so upset.
And then after that i got an mri
and that showed that i had a stress fracture and it's
just just frustrating because I felt like at that time I eventually
got to talk to administration about this he was called in for
like another offense and I talked about the
fact that like I worked really hard on the track he showed up when
(24:21):
I was supposed to I went to the training room I was trying to recover I was
like being very diligent anytime I wasn't spending in the classroom I was spending
in like the athletic training room trying to recover and he didn't believe me
that's what it felt like like I wasn't being believed and it was like definitely
infuriating and just like overall all really upsetting.
Like your coach is supposed to be your advocate. Like these are people that
(24:42):
are supposed to protect you. And I wasn't being protected.
So you're spending so much of your time really wanting to succeed in this.
And you have happy memories from when you were a kid in that this is supposed
to continue to be this positive thing.
And not only are you already struggling with this body image type stuff,
on top of it, you have a coach that is not validating you or challenging,
(25:04):
more positive thinking, which is, I think that's just, it's infuriating. Yeah.
The coach's inability to just see that you were unable to, you know,
partake, you know, for obvious reasons that coupled with everything else.
It's just like, hello, come on. Yeah.
You know what I mean? Like, yeah. Like his life must have sucked.
I mean, I'm sure it did. Like, so yeah, after that season, he ended up resigning.
(25:30):
We think that there are quite a few reasons that, you know, he ended up resigning,
but he ended up resigning.
And I was really fortunate my junior year, we got a new coach.
He's actually from Benedictine College, which is here in Illinois.
And he was fantastic. Like, I think meeting him too was part of the reason,
like, he was probably, like, I could thank him a million times. When was he?
(25:53):
At what point? He came in my junior year. Wow. Yeah. So like after all that
happened, like I just kind of remember going to sit in his office like when
he first came on as our coach and he was like, why do you run?
I was like, huh, I don't actually know like anymore.
Wow. It's bringing up some emotions for you right now. What are you thinking?
(26:16):
I mean, I'm thinking about like when I went and sat in his office and he asked
like that specific question.
My answer to him, like, why do you run? I was like, I want to prove people wrong.
It's just it's so far from like where I am now.
Were you reflecting at that time about the things you are now? I was so angry.
I was so angry about like my experience and what I'd have been.
(26:40):
And I was, we were so lucky to have them.
So a completely different person, someone that's empowering, understanding.
Like dropping pieces of pizza all the time.
Understanding and like really nudging you in the right direction.
And they really like understanding sort of your reintroduction to the sport, right?
Sort of in a way of like reintroducing and even like your strength to even be open to it, right?
(27:01):
You're coming off of this bad experience with this horrible experience with
this coach and your injury.
Yeah i wouldn't well and i'll be honest i don't even think i
was really open to it i was so pissed off like
i was so pissed off about like the experience that i
had had but i wasn't able to like walk away i
think that after my sophomore year of college like i wanted to
(27:21):
quit so bad and i just couldn't like
it was a pride thing it was an ego thing going back
to like the winning mentality like we don't like it was
like i'm gonna say it's so cheesy followers don't quit it
like I was told like you know like
you don't quit like you if you start something
you're gonna see it to the end and I've been told that my entire life
(27:41):
and so like I had started running with this team
and I was gonna do it until I couldn't do it anymore and so I was there because
I felt like I had to be like I had an obligation I like I know now that I didn't
but at the time it really felt like I did and so when he was like why do you
run I was like fuck if I know like I I don't want to be here, but I'm going to do it.
(28:03):
And I'm going to do it out of spite.
And he was like, that was like such not the right reason to run.
Like, that's what he told me. He was like, I hope you like reflect on this and
like find another reason.
And I like walked out of there probably more mad than I walked in because I
was like, who are you to tell me why I can or can't do things?
And I feel like that was like the, I didn't know it at the time,
(28:25):
but that was kind of like the beginning of like a change in like mentality.
So I'm super grateful to Coach Patterson. He's super cool. Coach Patterson. Hello.
Daddy. Daddy Patty. Daddy Patty. Daddy Patty. Yeah.
So you go into junior year, you've
got a new coach. Did you have any other injuries other than those two?
Oh, yeah, I had. Was it? So yeah, like at the end of it really sucks. Like I was so excited.
(28:53):
I feel like he like really reinvigorated me as like a person. I was like, woohoo.
Once I got over, like, my initial annoyedness with, like, he's like,
your reason is not good enough.
I started to, like, enjoy running again. I, like, loved running with my teammates.
They had always been, like, fantastic. But, like, I was, like,
really excited to be there and be a leader and be a part of that team and be
(29:14):
healthy and know that, like, it was going to be better.
Like, I could feel that it was going to be better.
But, like, again, in indoor track season, I had, like, this really bad,
my foot started hurting. I was like, oh, my God, what is this?
And my ankle started turning purple and like I
had torn a ligament in this part of
my foot and so it got to
the point again where like I couldn't walk I couldn't run I wish that I had
(29:37):
kind of learned to listen to my body a little bit better because I think all
of it could have been prevented like if I just learned to stop pushing and just
like listen from your own perspective do you think that a lot of people end
up sustaining longer-term injuries because they've been pushing past a
limit that maybe they weren't in tune with or just superseded listening to their body. Absolutely.
Yeah. I think that there are a lot of pains or aches or like, oh, ouch, that hurt.
(30:01):
And I felt a lot of shame. You don't want to stop because you don't want to
see yourself like regress when in reality, like if you hurt yourself badly enough,
like you're going to regress anyway.
So take a week off, take a day off and like come back to it later.
Like you're going to be so much better off.
I didn't have the wisdom at the time. No one had taught me to like say,
hey, this hurts. It's like I'm sitting down.
(30:21):
I'm going to take I'm going to, you know, I can come back and finish this workout another day.
I thought that if I didn't do it then in that moment, I was going to suck.
And I think that, yeah, that I think that's true for a lot of people.
But it's really not that serious. It doesn't have to be.
Yeah. So so you have another one. Yeah.
(30:43):
Now you're coming into senior year. Well, so this is the, you know,
I, so I went to college in 2020 and 2021.
So the pandemic, so I hurt my ankle and the pandemic happened and they kicked
us all out of school. I said, bye.
Like, and so before I left, they gave me a cortisone shot.
They sent me on my way. I got my first spring break of college ever.
(31:06):
Like me and my friends, like finally got to have a spring break.
We've all been running our whole college career. We never got to do.
Oh, because you were training off-season as well. Well, spring break is still,
like, we were in-season.
So you go from cross-country, indoor track, outdoor track, and then you train all summer.
Yeah. So spring break was the first, this was the first spring break we had
(31:27):
ever had. So a group of my friends, like we went down to the beach.
I couldn't run because I had a cortisone shot.
I was literally like on crutches, like, but we had like a great time.
And then it was like, we were in the pandemic. So like lockdown,
I think it sucked really bad at first because I couldn't run period.
Like I was like instructed no running because these cortisone shots degrade
(31:47):
your ligaments. They're really not good for you.
Yeah. I had this, this shot and I took like quite a bit of time off,
like without PT and without any like help, it really didn't heal well.
And so by the time that they called us back to school, they were like,
well, this pandemic is still going on, but like, we're going to call you back anyway.
I wasn't really able to run. So I didn't get to run my senior year.
(32:08):
So looking back my eligibility, technically, I have like enough eligibility,
I think, to run as a sophomore.
So like, yeah, if anyone wants to pick me up for like a PhD program,
I got some eligibility left for the NCAA.
(32:49):
To my dorm. I was an RA, so I was managing people and I was managing freshmen.
So I didn't even get to hang out with people my own age my entire senior year.
I was there to like be people's therapist, essentially.
I loved my job. I did it for two years, but like I was people's therapist during
COVID and I had no outlet of my own.
And I think my biggest frustration, my biggest like point of jealousy was like,
(33:11):
I knew my friends were on the track between reps.
They got to talk to each other and they got to hang out and they got to go places together on buses.
And I didn't get to do any of that. And I was super bitter. And it was no one's
fault. It was just like the pandemic.
Coping mechanisms? Lacking. They were poor. They were so bad.
I did pick up like the ukulele during COVID. It makes me feel so cheesy. Like I can play Riptide.
(33:37):
But like, no. Yeah, I started started therapy during the pandemic.
I was diagnosed with like generalized anxiety disorder during the pandemic.
I did like a lot of work on myself because I was really sad and I was like really isolated.
And the people that I had connection to, like I felt like I was hurting them.
If I was expressing my emotion, like I felt like it wasn't fair.
(33:58):
So I was like, I need like a professional.
Yeah, I went to therapy. I got on medication for like depression and anxiety
for that period of time because it was really bad. I was miserable.
I think a lot of that did have to do with the fact that like I wasn't able to run.
Running was a coping mechanism for me. Like, yeah, college might have been bad.
Even when it was bad, it was better when I was able to run. Sometimes I describe
(34:19):
running as not for everybody, but I know like for me without it,
where would my mental health be?
I think it takes a lot of courage to bite the bullet and like accept medication
when you know that that's what you need right now.
I'm guilty of judging being medicated in the past.
And then I went through some depression and I was like, you know what,
(34:40):
I'm doing myself a disservice by not helping myself.
So the fact that you were able to have the courage to accept where you were
and like take some help is huge, especially for someone who is driven in the way that you are.
So you're not running. You're not running in your in your in grad school, right?
So tell us about, I really want to jump, I want to jump because just thinking
(35:02):
of like time, let's talk about grad school and France and how things changed for you.
Because I think I went from, you know, being surrounded by these people who
had really impacted like the way I look at my body, the way I value myself based on my performance.
And I was with a group of people who had never met, like they didn't know me,
like they hadn't spent the last four years with me in that space.
(35:25):
And they frankly didn't care about like
running no they're like you ran a mile at
what time that's cool like okay anyway so
like it it just didn't matter and so
Paris was fun because I think I spent a lot of time detached from like I didn't
care I could eat food and enjoy myself and go out and drink and I didn't have
(35:49):
any obligations on Saturday or Sunday granted looking back on it now Like there
was a lack of balance there for sure.
Like smoking cigarettes, probably, you know, not something I would do as regularly.
They're still nice. Wine in France. But when you live in France and somebody
hand rolls you a cigarette, you're going to take it.
It's a language of love. You say thank you so much.
(36:10):
Merci beaucoup. And you take the cigarette and you take a walk.
And so, yeah, I really enjoyed my time in France because just like it was it was so different.
And grad school was great in terms of, you know, taking space from running.
I didn't think about running probably the whole time I was there.
(36:31):
And so. And you gained some weight. I gained a lot of weight.
How were you feeling as you were strength training? Yeah.
How are you feeling about the weight gain then compared to your earlier transition?
I mean, I think at first it really didn't bother me.
Well, I mean, it didn't really bother me throughout.
There was a time where I was like, oh, OK, like I need to, you know,
(36:55):
maybe fit in some cardio.
But like I really didn't mind my weight.
I kind of like enjoyed like having a butt and having boobs for the first time in my life.
I was like, oh, this is cool. You don't look like a like plank.
So I appreciated that. And my friends appreciated it, too.
Like, I had this friend, her name was Linda, and her and I were built,
like, pretty similar. And she's German.
(37:17):
And she's like, you are built like a German woman. And it's funny,
my last name's Fowler, so, like, there's definitely, like, it's German. So, yeah, that tracks.
That's so cute you mentioned that you went home and
there was a comment made by a family member tell me
about that and your response okay and in no
shade and in no shade it's no shade like I get it I think that my grandma hadn't
(37:40):
seen me like really that much too if I think about it like she hadn't seen me
from my senior year of college until probably Christmas of that time period
and And so she looked at me and she's like, you need to stop lifting weight.
Like she wanted me to like be way slimmer than I was. She was like,
you're looking a little big.
And I was like, thanks. I'm going to go cry in a corner now because I hadn't
(38:01):
really thought much about it. Like, frankly, I thought I looked good.
And at that point I was like, yeah, I'm way stronger. Like I feel so strong.
But I hadn't really looked in the mirror and been like, wow, I'm fat.
But then like she said that and I looked in the mirror and I went,
wow, I'm fat. Guess what? And I wasn't really that fat.
How did you respond to her in the moment? I think I don't really think I said
(38:23):
a lot. I think I was like, oh, ouch, thanks.
And that point in time, did it also resurface things from earlier in time?
Or did it place you back in that period?
I think, yeah, I definitely think I went downstairs and did a Peloton workout.
You want me to be real? I was like, okay, I think I'm going to go exercise now.
I think I'm going to go spin on the bike and sweat.
I definitely remember putting on layers of clothes and going downstairs and
(38:46):
doing a cardio workout. How did you combat that?
(39:17):
Are different as you go to therapy and you learn, but,
And simply, what am I experiencing on a day-to-day basis? Who am I around?
And what kind of interactions am I having? People really underestimate the power
of who we surround ourselves with, which I always thought, well,
I am who I am no matter who I'm around. But now I'm like, that's not actually true.
I'm triggered by a lot of people and a lot of things. And there is something
(39:41):
to be said about having that really healthy tribe around you. Yeah.
And I think that it's hard with family. You know, I think that I told my mom,
like, this upset me. And she was like, well, she's old.
Like, that's your grandmother. Like, she doesn't know any better.
You know, she didn't mean anything bad by it. And it's like,
OK, but it hurt me. But like, you know, you're just being sensitive.
I think that it's something that's tough to combat now. I definitely spend more
(40:04):
time with people who make me feel good and that don't care what I look like.
Let's jump into Chicago move. First, you've experienced a different environment in France.
So now you've gotten a taste of not caring about this body image perception.
Then you make a move to Chicago.
I love to hear about your transit to Chicago and getting into the run group.
(40:25):
So yeah, coming out of France, like I wasn't really running much.
I didn't really care to. I moved here for my boyfriend.
So like I met Victor in 2021 at a Cubs game.
We had done like long distance while I was in Paris
France he's also like I think he played like a really big role in me
loving myself like he was such a good partner like he's
loved me in like all these different phases so shout out
(40:46):
shout out Victor Victor yeah
so I kind of had this plan of like I was always
going to move to Chicago and like when I first moved
here I didn't have a car and so like to get places I
was just walking and then like eventually kind
of walking turned into to running again but
oh my god it was so humbling at first because I
(41:08):
was like what do you mean I can't run faster than
a 10 minute mile like dead ass like I ran a
mile and half the time in college and so it was super like I was super embarrassed
with myself I was embarrassed like I remember thinking about people watching
me on the side of the road not that anyone was actually doing that but I could
I was like people can probably see me struggling right now and that made me
(41:29):
uncomfortable comfortable to think about because I was like,
oh, I used to be like this effortless,
little girl just running around.
A gazelle. Yeah, I was a gazelle. And now I'm like, not that.
Cherry tomato face and just like yeah so
when I moved here I was grateful because it's walkable
and so I was able to run places and that
was kind of like the beginning I met one of Victor's friends
(41:52):
her name was Linda ironically another Linda and
she was like I'm gonna sign up
for the Chicago Marathon do you want to
put your name in the raffle with me and I was like yeah I'll put my
name in the raffle like whatever like I know how to
run I could get back into this if I really wanted to and I put my name
in and I didn't get in I was like okay that's fine
like you know it'd be cool but it's no big deal but I
(42:15):
had just kind of like I'd kept with the running since I was had decided I
was going to put my name in the raffle I kind of like started to notice a change
in my body and I felt good but I wasn't putting pressure on it like I wasn't
really tying it to like I don't know performance or anything because I just
didn't care like I used to care like there was no coach there was no team there
was no one like sitting there saying like you have to be a a certain way to run a certain pace.
(42:38):
It just didn't matter anymore. And you have a healthy partner. Yeah.
And he was like, cool. You want to go for a run? Have fun. Like he didn't care.
Like running's not his thing. My boyfriend prior to this, like ran cross country.
He was like on the team. So running was like something we shared.
And Victor's like, you like to run for fun? That's weird.
(42:59):
But you can go do that. Have fun. And so, yeah, it just didn't matter.
So I kept running. And eventually, I think I had lived in Chicago for six months
at that point. And I was like, all of my friends are Victor's friends.
And I was like, probably need work on that. And so my New Year's resolution was to go meet people.
And I didn't know how to do that. Like, I didn't like driving around because I'm a terrible driver.
(43:22):
And I don't like staying out late because I'm actually a grandma.
And so I was like, shamelessly, like, I searched, like, how to make friends
in Chicago on the internet.
And like, Run Club was something that came up. up and I found a list of run
gloves and run too hard was on it.
And I was like, oh, like Humble Park. Like that's so cool.
My boyfriend grew up there. Like I would love to go see this and be in his neighborhood
(43:44):
and kind of see what's up.
And I went and kind of the rest is history. Like I started going.
I was like, wow, Tuesdays are so nice.
It was like the first time I went, like you got to see the top of the hill and the sun was coming up.
And I was like, oh, like and everyone's so nice. And the pace was like so approachable.
And it was it just like felt fulfilling.
And then I got to be like competitive which was also great like I got to be
(44:08):
competitive but no one was telling me like you're shit so I had so much fun
and then yeah the rest is kind of history like I got a bib to the marathon and
I haven't stopped running,
i would stop running and you're enjoying it
yeah so i we've noticed in like our
different guests that we've had how the the meaning of running
(44:29):
evolves through time sometimes and it
really did for you in such a like a positive way i
mean people's journeys definitely evolve right i mean we're talking about
how you went from the journey of looking at it competitively and
then being injured and then sort of this really
nasty experience with a coach then you know a very opposite experience
and sort of seamlessly flying back to chicago from
(44:51):
your master's program and this adventure in france that
you kind of like were tiptoeing around running it sounds like yeah i movement
yeah you did it i didn't i know like i i think i ran like maybe probably five
times while i was there yeah like tiptoeing i was like i was there for six months
and i like went outside i was like this is crazy you're like victor was right
that's what we're so you're riding is crazy.
(45:12):
And then in Chicago, sort of like organically falling back into it,
but more in your terms, right?
More like with this, definitely this wisdom, you got into the marathon.
Which like we ran together for a little bit and like, that's how we met also
like the running and that's, we always connect in that way.
So when I heard your story, it was so amazing in terms of like,
(45:32):
oh, that's absolutely faith. It makes absolute sense.
You know? So now you're running organically and
and the marathon yeah i think i
kind of it was like the marathon was the most
healing experience ever and i will cry if i
talk about it well then i wouldn't express uh i think i knew i cry a lot i knew
(45:56):
going into the marathon like it was kind of like a culmination of like healing
it was like really like coming back to it like you said like it was on my terms,
I kind of like started to have this revelation through training,
like, oh, my God, this is just for you.
Like, yeah, like people want to see you succeed, but no one really cares.
Like I could have finished that marathon like whenever and like my family would
(46:16):
have been there and they would have been so proud.
And like, I don't know, it was so nice to know that when I got to that day and
I did it healthy, that it was just for me.
I think it made me like a better person. like
I think I've gotten better at differentiating like I know the pressure now like
if it's an external pressure I feel like I'm better at saying like oh like this
(46:40):
is for you that was like the biggest the best thing ever like somebody who was
like always a chronic people pleaser to be able to say like you're doing this
for you it was like the coolest thing ever.
Amazing. That's definitely amazing.
Can you share with the listeners and viewers like what your time was?
Because I, yeah, I ran a 303.
(47:04):
Amazing. I ran a 303 and I'm really excited because I qualified for Boston.
So I'm going to go, I'm going to apply for the 2025 and I'm stoked like to do it again.
When I first met you, I think you told me like, just wait until we start doing
these long runs for the marathon.
Marathon and I was like holy shit I have to run
(47:25):
like 15 and like 18 and 20 miles
and that scared me so much and now I'm like oh okay like
I'm looking forward to like the long runs like I
love that part of trading now but again I think that
it goes back to like now I'm like comfortable with like fueling and
I'm comfortable with like all of these things that I would that
you need to be able to do it well so yeah fueling
(47:47):
wisdom yeah you know experience dude and
I wouldn't have have that without run club like that like
that was the other thing I think that I wasn't really privy like yeah I came from
a family of people who ran I don't think that we
all did it the healthiest like no shade on my parents but
I think that they my dad's a great runner but he
wasn't always like the healthiest runner like he would do some things that like
I can't get away with or like I know that other people can't get
(48:09):
away with and run well but like the wisdom of like
the run community to be like hey you need to you need
to be fueling and you need to be sleeping and you need to like here's how
you space things out it like i don't know it was super helpful
because i don't think i would have been able to run the marathon without it so
that speaks to the difference in your
experiences between jet does with a team
(48:30):
in school to running in a run community and
how that's really shaped your support system yeah and
added educational resources yeah that's cool i somebody came up to me i went
to seven on sundays a couple weeks ago and there's was a guy there his name.
Was Cody and he's like I've never ran half or full or I've never ran anything
(48:51):
over a 5k distance and I was like well go to some run clubs like 7 on Sundays is great.
They're like such a like that's such a chill group of people on a Sunday I love
them but like go and get out in the run community because there's so many resources
for you out there and there's so many people that have so much knowledge and
they will help like they can get you through a marathon,
and it's just like you're you've like taken the first step by showing up so
(49:13):
like keep doing it and keep going. And he was at a run.
When did Peace Runners did a run with Lululemon for like Black History Month
recently? And he was there too. And I was like, yeah, he's showing up.
That's great. So message to the viewers, like if you were to send one.
Maybe two if you want to. Underlying messages to runners, aspiring runners,
(49:35):
maybe college, high school runners, whatever, whoever you can think of,
what would you want them to know?
That nobody cares. Seriously, no one cares. Like if like your time doesn't define
you, like your place doesn't define you, your weight doesn't define you,
numbers do not define you, who you are defines you.
Nobody cares if you're choosing to do this, you're doing it for you.
(49:57):
You and that's so important and it's taken me so
long to realize that and so like yeah if anyone else
could like be saved some of the like comparison and the
like you're trying to chase somebody else like it's not worth it at the end
of the day like it's for you and I like if it's not gratifying for you maybe
you should stop like that's the other thing too like I was so angry for so long
(50:19):
like and stopping was the best thing I ever did and like when I came back to
it I was so much more grateful because of the space I had taken.
So nobody, nobody cares.
And, you know, feel free to take space from something that's really hurting
you. Those would be my two, my two things.
Any final thoughts, Luis? No, thank you for taking us through this journey.
(50:42):
It's really, really important because I think especially in today's day and
age, like with digital world, you know, being prevalent and AI and sort of these
ongoing, that's an ongoing theme, I think, that we capture a lot in the podcast
is this sort of image of a comparison as well.
And it's hard not to do, right, with the technology at hand and you have these
different athletes at different levels that we want to aspire,
(51:04):
that we aspire to be, but also remembering and taking grace that we are in right
where we're supposed to be and just kind of going with our journey because there's
so much to learn, right, as an individual and as a group.
And I have nothing else to say because I'm just feeling really humbled right now.
And I think this is your story is just really inspirational and coming from
(51:24):
a female perspective and being able to relate to that body image and just all
those things is people need to hear it.
Whether or not they choose to take it, it's probably a matter of where they're
at in their life. I think it's just so powerful.
🎵
Music.
(00:27):
Welcome to Raw Runners Podcast, podcast where runners share their most adverse
experiences and the ebbs and flows of their healing processes,
all while eating really good food.
Here we are, Raw Runners. I'm Lindsay.
I'm Luis. And today we have our guest. I'm Faith. Faith's here today.
(00:50):
We have a really good episode on our hands.
We're going to be talking a lot about the way that influences
affect some people's and really all of our running journeys
and how body image perception can be a major theme
in a lot of today's athletes and and beginners athletes which is also like everyday
life too right like with social media and like so much comparison going on in
(01:12):
the world and normalizing of that comparison the thief of joy so we did pick
up faith's favorite takeout delicious Delicious.
So tell us about what we've got today.
Yeah. So we stopped at Dimo's Pizza and picked up two out of three favorites.
They didn't have my absolute favorite, which is the Pep 2.0,
which is usually pepperoni and burrata and honey. Super tasty.
(01:36):
But yeah, it is. And then we did chicken and waffles and mac and cheese pizza.
But generally, these are like drunk foods.
You go like, if I'm being honest, it's like after a Cubs game,
we would walk down the street and get a slice of Demos pizza.
But really like the whole love of Demos pizza probably started in 2021.
Like I went on a date with my boyfriend and he was driving me around the city.
(01:59):
And the place we stopped was at Demos pizza to get a slice. We like people watch for a while.
They kind of like gave me a rundown on like the nightlife in Chicago. Like I'm not from here.
And so I was like watching people on the street. And yeah, so it's like sentimental.
We're there all the time now. And who's named after Demos? Oh, my dog.
(02:20):
Yeah. So my dog is named after Demos Pizza and he's freaking adorable.
What kind of dog do you have? He's like a mutt. So we got him from Mercer Animal Rescue.
Like right after the marathon, I was like, I'm emotionally vulnerable.
And we went to like a adoption event at Pilot Project.
It was actually like some of the guys from like Run Too Hard. I remember. Yeah.
(02:43):
And so like we were there and they had the puppies and nobody was going to take
these dogs home. And they're like, if they don't go home with the fosters, like we can't keep them.
And so like everyone was like, we're all going to foster the dogs.
And I took his name was Aster at the time. A-S-T-O-R, which I think is, you know, it's fine.
I just called him like puppy. Like I was like, that's not your name.
(03:05):
But like we took him home and I couldn't let him go.
Like I cried. like they like somebody put in an application for his
adoption and I sobbed and I was like he's mine like
you can't take him away from me I cried to Victor like
my boyfriend about it and he was like I guess I guess we can keep him like I
guess that's fine he was like that's not really like the plans we initially
(03:27):
had but like right so yeah Demo is now a part of our lives and his name is Demo
because you know wow we love pizza yeah how long has it been already now it's
been four Four months. Four months.
Oh, wow. Yeah, that was in the, so that was back in the summer.
It was, like, literally right after the marathon.
Run Too Hard did it. Right. Yeah. Yeah, I blame Run Too Hard for everything. Okay.
(03:47):
So, he went hard. Okay.
And has Deemo ever tried Deemo's? No, but he has a lot of pizza-themed toys.
And he has had Michael's pizza, like, that he stole off the counter of our apartment.
Because he's, like, quite tall. Okay. So, he, like, jumped up and got a slice
of pizza. He does like pizza, but I like pizza, too. We should try pizza, too. All right.
(04:12):
So what should we try first? The Mac, the chicken and waffles or the pepperoni? Oh, your choice.
What if we OK, let's do let's just work from like left to right.
So let's yeah, we can start with the Mac. So all right, let's go. Series.
(04:32):
This is a runner's probably heaven right now.
Well, you know, the dairy problem, maybe not all runners, but yeah,
maybe most runners, carbs on carbs.
Let's move on to the story.
Moving on. Okay. So we're here for running, not pizza.
(04:55):
Debatable. Debatable.
But we are here to hear your story. Okay. So take us back. Take us back all
the way to the beginning.
Just how it all started. Yeah. I mean, so I feel like it's like the best way
to say this is like my parents were runners first.
(05:16):
I think my dad started running marathons like when I was probably two or three,
like they pushed us in strollers.
And like my dad and mom both ran, they were like half marathon,
like marathon runners. We would go out with them on runs.
And then it was just kind of like a common theme to always be active and fit.
I was always like in competitive sports.
But I ran my first 5K, I think I was in like seventh grade.
(05:36):
And I really like I really enjoyed that. but there was
also always this era of like you have to win you
have to be number one what was really gratifying about that
first 5k what I really remember is like I finished I was
probably like 13 or 14 years old and like there weren't many 13 or 14 year old
running 5ks so I got a medal like I think I got like I was like first in my
(05:57):
age group I was like oh this is cool and it kind of just like sprung into like
what it is today I mean I ran in college and it took a few years off and now I'm running again.
So by the way, have you ever pushed a baby in a stroller?
I have not. And every time that I see that in someone else, I'm like,
I don't know how they do that because that's a whole other skill set,
(06:17):
more weight, more balance.
It's a challenge. I've done it. Like with my friend's kids, we'll meet on the 606. It's hard.
You're basically carrying weights while you're running. It's wild.
So kudos to your parents on that.
So it's kind of ingrained in from like a younger age to kind of like,
you know, hey, staying active.
(06:38):
So bring us to a little bit about the family dynamic.
Yeah. Like, you know, like I said, there's always like this desire to be like number one or to win.
When I was younger, my dad used to be like, well, second place is like the first place loser.
That was always a joke, but definitely like I say it still today.
So obviously it stuck with me.
Obviously it's ingrained in my brain.
(07:00):
Yeah, I think that when I grew up in a household that wanted to see you do the
best and they wanted to see you succeed, but I felt like there also wasn't any room for failure.
And so I think, obviously, things aren't always going to go your way.
And so you take it super hard. Was that external pressure?
Especially if you're coming from a family of athletes and there's already active
movement and stuff, you're like, oh, my God. And so where did the pressure come from? on was itself?
(07:24):
I mean, no, I definitely think, yeah, some of it's probably internalized.
I think that I was, I grew up like a people pleaser.
I think I've always been like very in tune to like what everybody wants and what everyone needs.
And then like the external pressure, like my dad played soccer in college.
My dad was like a collegiate athlete. And so when I like soccer was my first
sport, when I first started playing soccer, there was like already some pressure
(07:44):
there to like practice and be really good.
And like, I remember coming home from practice, love my dad so
much but I remember coming home from practicing games and like
we would be in the car and he would like be critiquing and
sometimes it would get loud and like you know like it wasn't always
like the best coaching you know but they're your parents and they want to see
(08:05):
you do well and so like as a kid I feel like you can't differentiate so like
obviously there's that pressure as a child you're soaking in everything right
like in the first years of your life that prefrontal cortex is not developed
right until her early 20s.
I argue to say mid to late 20s, maybe early 30s.
I'm just saying, you know, like it's like you're just soaking things in as they
(08:26):
are, as you're experiencing them.
And there's really not much else. Whereas as we get older, I think we're able
to kind of learn and all these things.
So I really, really want to hear about like your first year's running in school.
And because I know you suffered a string of injuries and I just really kind
of want to hear a little bit about that journey.
Yeah. OK. So like when I went to high school, like I kind of been recruited
(08:47):
to join the cross-country team.
Like people kind of knew that I came from a family of runners,
that I was like kind of quick.
And so I got recruited onto our high school cross-country team.
And I like, yeah, I had a string of injuries, even like when I came in as a freshman.
I think I only ran like the first half of my freshman season.
I enrolled in ankle playing soccer, whatever.
And then like just like throughout the years, had my first stress fracture my
(09:09):
senior year of high school.
What is a stress fracture? Yeah, I don't know. So it's like a hairline fracture
that generally comes from overuse and poor nutrition.
When I first got it, I just assumed that, like, I had been training at a really
high level, like, going into my senior year of high school.
My goal was to run in college, and I knew that.
And so I just kind of brushed it off as, like, oh, you've been training at a
(09:33):
really high level. You've been putting really high mileage on your body.
And, like, my dad had been helping coach me at the time. So,
like, we had kind of, like, walked through my mileage and my workouts and everything
I was doing in the summer to kind of, like, put me on that track to be able
to have a really great senior year and to be able to run in college.
I remember it started hurting in the middle of the summer.
And like I ran for a really long time on that dress fracture.
(09:54):
And by the time I went in there like, hey, if you had kept running on this,
like you probably would have actually fractured your leg like it would have been like a clean break.
Wow. And what I the most distinct memory I have is that the doc checked my leg
and then he wanted to look at my mouth.
I didn't understand, but he was like, I'm just checking to make sure that there's no erosion.
(10:15):
Because generally, women who run, who get stress fractures at young ages,
are taking part in some, like, eating disordered behavior.
Okay. And so he was checking to see, like, have you been making yourself throw up?
That was, like, the first time I had a conversation around nutrition and,
like, recovery and food and eating. And it wasn't, like, I feel like he could have been better.
But, like, he's a doctor. Like, bedside manner is, like, not always kind of
(10:38):
their strong suit. But like, yeah, that was the first time that I had ever been really injured.
And like, even when I found out I was injured, I didn't really like hit the
brakes or anything. I just was like, okay.
I started doing like water workouts. So I would like run, I would aqua jog.
Was the senior year of high school yeah I would
like wake up at like 5 a.m and go to the gym and aqua
(11:00):
jog and then I would go after school and
I would sit at the track because I was like on the team and I
would like watch practice and then I would go swim again so like
I swam too in high school I was I did all kinds of stuff I like ran
cross country I swam I played soccer I ran
track so like I just used like it
as cross training so I would just swim yeah and
(11:22):
so that was like the first like injury and
I I think I've handled it like well like actually
no did you have any thumbs before going to
the doctor yeah I did like I it hurt what
I had been I had been running all summer but it hurt there got to a point where
like it hurt really bad to even put pressure on it hurt to get out of bed I
(11:42):
remember like my mom was talking to me one day and like I was laying in bed
and she grabbed my leg and I sobbed because the pressure of her touching it
hurt so bad and And that was kind of the point where we were like,
something's really wrong.
And that's kind of like what sent me to the doctor. That's why.
Yeah. And so that was kind of like the beginning of like the whole stress fracture.
(12:02):
So it's senior year. You're recovering from this injury. You're swimming.
So you're doing things that are easy on it. Yeah. But you're still maintaining activity.
And then you're going into freshman year of college. Are you running in freshman year of college?
Yeah, I got to run for most of freshman year. I think it was like a really big transition.
So I like recovered from my injury. I was able to run track season.
(12:25):
In my senior year of high school. So I got to run in track.
I got to do like all the preseason training for cross country my freshman year of college.
And I was like really excited to go in because I finished my senior year of
high school. I did pretty well. I like got to go to regionals.
I didn't get to go to states.
We were in a really conference, so I didn't get to go to states.
But like I'd done really well.
I knew I was going to come in like as a pretty quick freshman at my college.
(12:47):
And like when I got there, it hit me like a friggin semi truck.
Like it was not the experience
I was expecting tell us more about that
yeah I mean I think I remember
walking to my coach's office the first week I
was like excited I had done all the pre-season training I wanted to have like
a really enthusiastic conversation about like running and what we would be doing
(13:08):
and he kind of looked at me I was like yeah yeah like that's all nice and he
was like you got a boyfriend and I was like yeah I said he's going to app which
is like a college that was like an hour or two away and he was like oh he's
like you guys will be broken up in two weeks.
And I was like, okay, thanks. He was like, yeah, it was like, nice to meet you too.
And like, he was kind of just like, he, I don't know.
(13:30):
I feel like he didn't have like the makings of a good coach.
Like he wasn't like very friendly or kind, at least to me.
And I feel like, I don't know. I didn't have a lot of really great interactions with him.
I think that he came in, he was like a really big hard ass. And I think he felt
like he had to prove something.
I think where he had come from, like he had kind of been pushed out.
He wanted to make us winners and he wanted us to be number one.
(13:51):
And I'm all for that, but like you have to build.
People up you know so you almost have someone who's
reinforcing what you're growing up with but with a more negative connotation
so so what happens that season well like
and what you're saying like not even just
like the more negative connotation but it's so much more pressure
because unlike my parents like my parents are still gonna love me like
(14:14):
obviously regardless of if i fail this man like could take
away like my scholarship like he had other power
over me that like other people couldn't have and like
my oh sorry like my my
like my life and like the person i
was was then like pretty strictly defined by
my performance and so that was like that
(14:35):
was scary and hard and i think that yeah and here you have this individual that's
supposed to be sort of in this development role of helping people grow and come
into themselves and and instead like just Just having you feel that safety net
that threatened, you know, your performance is questioned.
Just I think that like you come in, you're 18 when you go to school,
(14:56):
too. And it's like such a formidable time in your life.
And like you have an amazing opportunity to impact like a young person's life
and like help them build their confidence and help them learn to take care of themselves.
And like when you choose to meet people down instead, like you're not helping
them. You're not helping your team, which you're trying to cultivate.
Yeah, I don't really see the benefit of like. that.
(15:20):
So you're running your freshman year. You've got this coach.
Something else happens now, right? Your freshman year, didn't you sustain?
Was it freshman year you sustained another? It was my sophomore. So same coach. Yeah.
I had like some kind of like one-off injuries my freshman year.
Like I didn't have a great freshman season. I didn't run well.
What I really remember from my freshman year is that like you're in college,
(15:43):
you're trying to like away from your parents for the first time.
You know, it's fun. And you get to go out, you get to drink,
you like, you get to do all these things that you can't do when there's people
standing over your shoulder watching.
Yeah, it's so nice. And I think it was learning how to balance like sleep,
eating, which was really hard.
I think that that's really the first time where I was like, oh, I have to be small.
(16:03):
You know, I had teammates that were really small. I have to be small.
And so like, I struggled with nutrition and it started to show up in my races.
So like there were a couple of times where like I would finish a race and my
hands would be cramping or I would black out or my lips would be blue.
And we like that was due to an iron deficiency that I had developed basically from poor nutrition.
(16:23):
So what does a typical day look like in your nutrition at this point in time? time.
And normally like we were waking up pretty early. And so I wouldn't eat before our morning runs.
And then maybe my first meal of the day would be like, I don't know,
like a bagel with butter.
And I'd probably have that at like 10, something small for lunch and then something small for dinner.
I really like I was not eating a lot and I was not eating like well consistently.
(16:46):
And I think the other thing that was really hard is that no one had taught me how to fuel for races.
No one had taught me how to fuel for just kind of the amount of workout work we were doing.
And like Like, no one had said, hey, like, protein's important or like.
You need to make sure that you're doing these specific things.
Which is surprising because your parents were athletes. So like take us back.
(17:08):
What did that look like at home in terms of what you were taught or what you
were soaking in? Yeah. Even in your high school years.
Yeah. I mean, I think that in high school, I know like early in life,
I watched my mom diet a little bit.
And I think that that had something to do with it. And also like no shade to her, though.
I think the 2000s were like a crazy time.
Like if you look back on it. Oh, my mom was also a 100% a crash dieter and just
(17:33):
whatever was like the hip, she was on it.
And so, yes, 100% totally was at like a time. I think that was a very like popular theme.
The processed foods, the frozen Salisbury steaks, you know, the lean cuisines.
Yeah, just like we ate healthy.
Like in my mind, I'm like, we ate healthy.
(17:55):
But also, I think that my mom went back to work when I started high school.
There was no monitoring of what we were eating until like dinnertime.
So I was like burning a lot of calories. I was working out a lot in high school.
And all I would eat in the morning was a pack of Quaker oats with water.
For lunch I would have a cup of greens with
some sort of salad dressing and then I would
(18:17):
exercise for like two hours and come
home and have like whatever was for dinner and nobody nobody really realized
that like that wasn't okay because I always had an appetite like I was always
somebody who was eating but there was no coaching around like food because no
one was watching tell like us a little bit about the thoughts you're experiencing
on the days that you're not feeling Yeah.
(18:55):
To feel smaller like I probably skip and
then maybe I eat like a spoonful of peanut butter or something instead and
that was definitely like a habit that I had for a
long time eating ice chips like and it's
so sad to think back on it now but like I definitely like
those habits like at the time I was like this is normal well like
it wasn't helping me and I don't I don't know
(19:16):
why I did it other than the fact that I was like trying to
make myself small did you feel any kind of like bodily totally
negative reactions like and your workouts did
you feel like you didn't have enough fuel at any point like the tea
all the time all the time and i just assumed that
it was because i was too big and like that's sad too to
think about that you were too big yeah but also
(19:38):
at the age of 18 and the age of 20 like i
feel like i was just putting on like weight that needed to be there but
i think it was just like startling to me because i
had gone i think my senior year of high school I was like 110
pounds and like I had jumped up
to like 120 125 like really quickly some of
that was muscle we were doing like weight workouts for the first time ever but
(20:00):
I was just like not used to my body looking like that I spent
a lot of time like hyper fixating on it and how to make myself smaller
I think we like our coach kind of also emphasized like
being small I did have some really good girls
that I ran with like her name's Audra I love her so much
she was kind of on the other side of the whole thing she was a senior
definitely like a leader and she was always like encouraging us to.
(20:20):
Eat more and like at the time I was like that's like I
didn't I couldn't see what she was talking about because I was so close to
it but like now that I stand back I'm like she was really trying
to help us out and I like I appreciate her so much wow do you remember anything
moments when which your coach made any comments about size is there anything
(20:41):
that like comes out like there was definitely times where he asked me and other girls to drop weight.
You could stand to lose a few pounds type conversation, which is crazy.
That's crazy for any coach to say, especially a male coach, speaking to younger female runners.
Because I imagine that was just difficult because you wanted to be where you
(21:05):
were. Sure. Absolutely.
And you want to be like, when somebody comes with feedback like that,
too, it's like I felt like I was letting someone down, whether that be myself
or my family or my coach or my team.
Like, I felt like I was letting someone down because I wasn't like the way I was supposed to be.
So I really want to dive into this injury while you're with this coach,
because when you told me this, it really just hit me hard. And I feel like the viewers need to know.
(21:29):
Yeah. So that was my sophomore year.
So like freshman year, things didn't go super well. Well, I came into my sophomore
year, like, with a, like, I was so driven. I wanted to prove him wrong.
Like, I was definitely, like, running on spite, which no one should do.
Like, you shouldn't run on hate. It's so, it's so draining.
But, like, I was so angry and I wanted to run so hard and do so well.
(21:49):
And, like, for a while I did.
Like, I finally hit some of the goals that I had set for myself.
Like, I wanted to break 20 in a 5k. Boom, done, check.
Well, I remember kind of at the end of
it had to be the end of cross-country season like I started
to feel this pain in the back of my leg and I was like oh
no it's not that bad like I can keep running our
coach was really critical of injuries if you were injured you
(22:11):
were being lazy like you were slacking it wasn't seen as
like you take a break so you don't get worse it was
like keep going until you can't walk and we I
think by the time that we got to conference that year like 50 percent
of our team was injured more or less deteriorating really
no one's taking like from administration no one
from like oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah so like
(22:34):
i think that this this is around the time that like it starts like
this the alarms start going off in people's heads but
the end of cross-country season for me like my leg starts
hurting we make it through like indoor track season
i remember i had i had like
a day where i was running a 3k and then the next morning
i was running a 5k like kind of back-to-back races and
(22:54):
after the 5k I was like oh like I really can't walk and
I hadn't already been to like the athletic trainers like they thought I had
like partially torn a muscle in my calf and like we had tried all the massaging
and the cupping and the dry kneeling like we had gone through everything and
it just was so bad and they were like okay like we're gonna send you to get an MRI and I went.
(23:17):
And they were it was like, oh, it's a you have a stress fracture.
And I was so upset because I really thought I had done like such a better job
like training and taking care of myself.
But I think the craziest part of this whole story is that like I didn't get
to make it to conference.
And so like I'm sitting in the training room and my coach is frustrated because
I think I was like number one or number two.
(23:38):
And I needed to be in conference so we could score points. and
so he comes into the training room and he
grabs me during a workout and he's like i need you to come out to the track
and he tried to make me run he tried i was while you're in the training room
recovering he tried to get me to come out and he made me run a few laps and
i like limped around the track like i was like i physically can't run i was
(24:01):
so upset yeah i was so upset.
And then after that i got an mri
and that showed that i had a stress fracture and it's
just just frustrating because I felt like at that time I eventually
got to talk to administration about this he was called in for
like another offense and I talked about the
fact that like I worked really hard on the track he showed up when
(24:21):
I was supposed to I went to the training room I was trying to recover I was
like being very diligent anytime I wasn't spending in the classroom I was spending
in like the athletic training room trying to recover and he didn't believe me
that's what it felt like like I wasn't being believed and it was like definitely
infuriating and just like overall all really upsetting.
Like your coach is supposed to be your advocate. Like these are people that
(24:42):
are supposed to protect you. And I wasn't being protected.
So you're spending so much of your time really wanting to succeed in this.
And you have happy memories from when you were a kid in that this is supposed
to continue to be this positive thing.
And not only are you already struggling with this body image type stuff,
on top of it, you have a coach that is not validating you or challenging,
(25:04):
more positive thinking, which is, I think that's just, it's infuriating. Yeah.
The coach's inability to just see that you were unable to, you know,
partake, you know, for obvious reasons that coupled with everything else.
It's just like, hello, come on. Yeah.
You know what I mean? Like, yeah. Like his life must have sucked.
I mean, I'm sure it did. Like, so yeah, after that season, he ended up resigning.
(25:30):
We think that there are quite a few reasons that, you know, he ended up resigning,
but he ended up resigning.
And I was really fortunate my junior year, we got a new coach.
He's actually from Benedictine College, which is here in Illinois.
And he was fantastic. Like, I think meeting him too was part of the reason,
like, he was probably, like, I could thank him a million times. When was he?
(25:53):
At what point? He came in my junior year. Wow. Yeah. So like after all that
happened, like I just kind of remember going to sit in his office like when
he first came on as our coach and he was like, why do you run?
I was like, huh, I don't actually know like anymore.
Wow. It's bringing up some emotions for you right now. What are you thinking?
(26:16):
I mean, I'm thinking about like when I went and sat in his office and he asked
like that specific question.
My answer to him, like, why do you run? I was like, I want to prove people wrong.
It's just it's so far from like where I am now.
Were you reflecting at that time about the things you are now? I was so angry.
I was so angry about like my experience and what I'd have been.
(26:40):
And I was, we were so lucky to have them.
So a completely different person, someone that's empowering, understanding.
Like dropping pieces of pizza all the time.
Understanding and like really nudging you in the right direction.
And they really like understanding sort of your reintroduction to the sport, right?
Sort of in a way of like reintroducing and even like your strength to even be open to it, right?
(27:01):
You're coming off of this bad experience with this horrible experience with
this coach and your injury.
Yeah i wouldn't well and i'll be honest i don't even think i
was really open to it i was so pissed off like
i was so pissed off about like the experience that i
had had but i wasn't able to like walk away i
think that after my sophomore year of college like i wanted to
(27:21):
quit so bad and i just couldn't like
it was a pride thing it was an ego thing going back
to like the winning mentality like we don't like it was
like i'm gonna say it's so cheesy followers don't quit it
like I was told like you know like
you don't quit like you if you start something
you're gonna see it to the end and I've been told that my entire life
(27:41):
and so like I had started running with this team
and I was gonna do it until I couldn't do it anymore and so I was there because
I felt like I had to be like I had an obligation I like I know now that I didn't
but at the time it really felt like I did and so when he was like why do you
run I was like fuck if I know like I I don't want to be here, but I'm going to do it.
(28:03):
And I'm going to do it out of spite.
And he was like, that was like such not the right reason to run.
Like, that's what he told me. He was like, I hope you like reflect on this and
like find another reason.
And I like walked out of there probably more mad than I walked in because I
was like, who are you to tell me why I can or can't do things?
And I feel like that was like the, I didn't know it at the time,
(28:25):
but that was kind of like the beginning of like a change in like mentality.
So I'm super grateful to Coach Patterson. He's super cool. Coach Patterson. Hello.
Daddy. Daddy Patty. Daddy Patty. Daddy Patty. Yeah.
So you go into junior year, you've
got a new coach. Did you have any other injuries other than those two?
Oh, yeah, I had. Was it? So yeah, like at the end of it really sucks. Like I was so excited.
(28:53):
I feel like he like really reinvigorated me as like a person. I was like, woohoo.
Once I got over, like, my initial annoyedness with, like, he's like,
your reason is not good enough.
I started to, like, enjoy running again. I, like, loved running with my teammates.
They had always been, like, fantastic. But, like, I was, like,
really excited to be there and be a leader and be a part of that team and be
(29:14):
healthy and know that, like, it was going to be better.
Like, I could feel that it was going to be better.
But, like, again, in indoor track season, I had, like, this really bad,
my foot started hurting. I was like, oh, my God, what is this?
And my ankle started turning purple and like I
had torn a ligament in this part of
my foot and so it got to
the point again where like I couldn't walk I couldn't run I wish that I had
(29:37):
kind of learned to listen to my body a little bit better because I think all
of it could have been prevented like if I just learned to stop pushing and just
like listen from your own perspective do you think that a lot of people end
up sustaining longer-term injuries because they've been pushing past a
limit that maybe they weren't in tune with or just superseded listening to their body. Absolutely.
Yeah. I think that there are a lot of pains or aches or like, oh, ouch, that hurt.
(30:01):
And I felt a lot of shame. You don't want to stop because you don't want to
see yourself like regress when in reality, like if you hurt yourself badly enough,
like you're going to regress anyway.
So take a week off, take a day off and like come back to it later.
Like you're going to be so much better off.
I didn't have the wisdom at the time. No one had taught me to like say,
hey, this hurts. It's like I'm sitting down.
(30:21):
I'm going to take I'm going to, you know, I can come back and finish this workout another day.
I thought that if I didn't do it then in that moment, I was going to suck.
And I think that, yeah, that I think that's true for a lot of people.
But it's really not that serious. It doesn't have to be.
Yeah. So so you have another one. Yeah.
(30:43):
Now you're coming into senior year. Well, so this is the, you know,
I, so I went to college in 2020 and 2021.
So the pandemic, so I hurt my ankle and the pandemic happened and they kicked
us all out of school. I said, bye.
Like, and so before I left, they gave me a cortisone shot.
They sent me on my way. I got my first spring break of college ever.
(31:06):
Like me and my friends, like finally got to have a spring break.
We've all been running our whole college career. We never got to do.
Oh, because you were training off-season as well. Well, spring break is still,
like, we were in-season.
So you go from cross-country, indoor track, outdoor track, and then you train all summer.
Yeah. So spring break was the first, this was the first spring break we had
(31:27):
ever had. So a group of my friends, like we went down to the beach.
I couldn't run because I had a cortisone shot.
I was literally like on crutches, like, but we had like a great time.
And then it was like, we were in the pandemic. So like lockdown,
I think it sucked really bad at first because I couldn't run period.
Like I was like instructed no running because these cortisone shots degrade
(31:47):
your ligaments. They're really not good for you.
Yeah. I had this, this shot and I took like quite a bit of time off,
like without PT and without any like help, it really didn't heal well.
And so by the time that they called us back to school, they were like,
well, this pandemic is still going on, but like, we're going to call you back anyway.
I wasn't really able to run. So I didn't get to run my senior year.
(32:08):
So looking back my eligibility, technically, I have like enough eligibility,
I think, to run as a sophomore.
So like, yeah, if anyone wants to pick me up for like a PhD program,
I got some eligibility left for the NCAA.
(32:49):
To my dorm. I was an RA, so I was managing people and I was managing freshmen.
So I didn't even get to hang out with people my own age my entire senior year.
I was there to like be people's therapist, essentially.
I loved my job. I did it for two years, but like I was people's therapist during
COVID and I had no outlet of my own.
And I think my biggest frustration, my biggest like point of jealousy was like,
(33:11):
I knew my friends were on the track between reps.
They got to talk to each other and they got to hang out and they got to go places together on buses.
And I didn't get to do any of that. And I was super bitter. And it was no one's
fault. It was just like the pandemic.
Coping mechanisms? Lacking. They were poor. They were so bad.
I did pick up like the ukulele during COVID. It makes me feel so cheesy. Like I can play Riptide.
(33:37):
But like, no. Yeah, I started started therapy during the pandemic.
I was diagnosed with like generalized anxiety disorder during the pandemic.
I did like a lot of work on myself because I was really sad and I was like really isolated.
And the people that I had connection to, like I felt like I was hurting them.
If I was expressing my emotion, like I felt like it wasn't fair.
(33:58):
So I was like, I need like a professional.
Yeah, I went to therapy. I got on medication for like depression and anxiety
for that period of time because it was really bad. I was miserable.
I think a lot of that did have to do with the fact that like I wasn't able to run.
Running was a coping mechanism for me. Like, yeah, college might have been bad.
Even when it was bad, it was better when I was able to run. Sometimes I describe
(34:19):
running as not for everybody, but I know like for me without it,
where would my mental health be?
I think it takes a lot of courage to bite the bullet and like accept medication
when you know that that's what you need right now.
I'm guilty of judging being medicated in the past.
And then I went through some depression and I was like, you know what,
(34:40):
I'm doing myself a disservice by not helping myself.
So the fact that you were able to have the courage to accept where you were
and like take some help is huge, especially for someone who is driven in the way that you are.
So you're not running. You're not running in your in your in grad school, right?
So tell us about, I really want to jump, I want to jump because just thinking
(35:02):
of like time, let's talk about grad school and France and how things changed for you.
Because I think I went from, you know, being surrounded by these people who
had really impacted like the way I look at my body, the way I value myself based on my performance.
And I was with a group of people who had never met, like they didn't know me,
like they hadn't spent the last four years with me in that space.
(35:25):
And they frankly didn't care about like
running no they're like you ran a mile at
what time that's cool like okay anyway so
like it it just didn't matter and so
Paris was fun because I think I spent a lot of time detached from like I didn't
care I could eat food and enjoy myself and go out and drink and I didn't have
(35:49):
any obligations on Saturday or Sunday granted looking back on it now Like there
was a lack of balance there for sure.
Like smoking cigarettes, probably, you know, not something I would do as regularly.
They're still nice. Wine in France. But when you live in France and somebody
hand rolls you a cigarette, you're going to take it.
It's a language of love. You say thank you so much.
(36:10):
Merci beaucoup. And you take the cigarette and you take a walk.
And so, yeah, I really enjoyed my time in France because just like it was it was so different.
And grad school was great in terms of, you know, taking space from running.
I didn't think about running probably the whole time I was there.
(36:31):
And so. And you gained some weight. I gained a lot of weight.
How were you feeling as you were strength training? Yeah.
How are you feeling about the weight gain then compared to your earlier transition?
I mean, I think at first it really didn't bother me.
Well, I mean, it didn't really bother me throughout.
There was a time where I was like, oh, OK, like I need to, you know,
(36:55):
maybe fit in some cardio.
But like I really didn't mind my weight.
I kind of like enjoyed like having a butt and having boobs for the first time in my life.
I was like, oh, this is cool. You don't look like a like plank.
So I appreciated that. And my friends appreciated it, too.
Like, I had this friend, her name was Linda, and her and I were built,
like, pretty similar. And she's German.
(37:17):
And she's like, you are built like a German woman. And it's funny,
my last name's Fowler, so, like, there's definitely, like, it's German. So, yeah, that tracks.
That's so cute you mentioned that you went home and
there was a comment made by a family member tell me
about that and your response okay and in no
shade and in no shade it's no shade like I get it I think that my grandma hadn't
(37:40):
seen me like really that much too if I think about it like she hadn't seen me
from my senior year of college until probably Christmas of that time period
and And so she looked at me and she's like, you need to stop lifting weight.
Like she wanted me to like be way slimmer than I was. She was like,
you're looking a little big.
And I was like, thanks. I'm going to go cry in a corner now because I hadn't
(38:01):
really thought much about it. Like, frankly, I thought I looked good.
And at that point I was like, yeah, I'm way stronger. Like I feel so strong.
But I hadn't really looked in the mirror and been like, wow, I'm fat.
But then like she said that and I looked in the mirror and I went,
wow, I'm fat. Guess what? And I wasn't really that fat.
How did you respond to her in the moment? I think I don't really think I said
(38:23):
a lot. I think I was like, oh, ouch, thanks.
And that point in time, did it also resurface things from earlier in time?
Or did it place you back in that period?
I think, yeah, I definitely think I went downstairs and did a Peloton workout.
You want me to be real? I was like, okay, I think I'm going to go exercise now.
I think I'm going to go spin on the bike and sweat.
I definitely remember putting on layers of clothes and going downstairs and
(38:46):
doing a cardio workout. How did you combat that?
(39:17):
Are different as you go to therapy and you learn, but,
And simply, what am I experiencing on a day-to-day basis? Who am I around?
And what kind of interactions am I having? People really underestimate the power
of who we surround ourselves with, which I always thought, well,
I am who I am no matter who I'm around. But now I'm like, that's not actually true.
I'm triggered by a lot of people and a lot of things. And there is something
(39:41):
to be said about having that really healthy tribe around you. Yeah.
And I think that it's hard with family. You know, I think that I told my mom,
like, this upset me. And she was like, well, she's old.
Like, that's your grandmother. Like, she doesn't know any better.
You know, she didn't mean anything bad by it. And it's like,
OK, but it hurt me. But like, you know, you're just being sensitive.
I think that it's something that's tough to combat now. I definitely spend more
(40:04):
time with people who make me feel good and that don't care what I look like.
Let's jump into Chicago move. First, you've experienced a different environment in France.
So now you've gotten a taste of not caring about this body image perception.
Then you make a move to Chicago.
I love to hear about your transit to Chicago and getting into the run group.
(40:25):
So yeah, coming out of France, like I wasn't really running much.
I didn't really care to. I moved here for my boyfriend.
So like I met Victor in 2021 at a Cubs game.
We had done like long distance while I was in Paris
France he's also like I think he played like a really big role in me
loving myself like he was such a good partner like he's
loved me in like all these different phases so shout out
(40:46):
shout out Victor Victor yeah
so I kind of had this plan of like I was always
going to move to Chicago and like when I first moved
here I didn't have a car and so like to get places I
was just walking and then like eventually kind
of walking turned into to running again but
oh my god it was so humbling at first because I
(41:08):
was like what do you mean I can't run faster than
a 10 minute mile like dead ass like I ran a
mile and half the time in college and so it was super like I was super embarrassed
with myself I was embarrassed like I remember thinking about people watching
me on the side of the road not that anyone was actually doing that but I could
I was like people can probably see me struggling right now and that made me
(41:29):
uncomfortable comfortable to think about because I was like,
oh, I used to be like this effortless,
little girl just running around.
A gazelle. Yeah, I was a gazelle. And now I'm like, not that.
Cherry tomato face and just like yeah so
when I moved here I was grateful because it's walkable
and so I was able to run places and that
was kind of like the beginning I met one of Victor's friends
(41:52):
her name was Linda ironically another Linda and
she was like I'm gonna sign up
for the Chicago Marathon do you want to
put your name in the raffle with me and I was like yeah I'll put my
name in the raffle like whatever like I know how to
run I could get back into this if I really wanted to and I put my name
in and I didn't get in I was like okay that's fine
like you know it'd be cool but it's no big deal but I
(42:15):
had just kind of like I'd kept with the running since I was had decided I
was going to put my name in the raffle I kind of like started to notice a change
in my body and I felt good but I wasn't putting pressure on it like I wasn't
really tying it to like I don't know performance or anything because I just
didn't care like I used to care like there was no coach there was no team there
was no one like sitting there saying like you have to be a a certain way to run a certain pace.
(42:38):
It just didn't matter anymore. And you have a healthy partner. Yeah.
And he was like, cool. You want to go for a run? Have fun. Like he didn't care.
Like running's not his thing. My boyfriend prior to this, like ran cross country.
He was like on the team. So running was like something we shared.
And Victor's like, you like to run for fun? That's weird.
(42:59):
But you can go do that. Have fun. And so, yeah, it just didn't matter.
So I kept running. And eventually, I think I had lived in Chicago for six months
at that point. And I was like, all of my friends are Victor's friends.
And I was like, probably need work on that. And so my New Year's resolution was to go meet people.
And I didn't know how to do that. Like, I didn't like driving around because I'm a terrible driver.
(43:22):
And I don't like staying out late because I'm actually a grandma.
And so I was like, shamelessly, like, I searched, like, how to make friends
in Chicago on the internet.
And like, Run Club was something that came up. up and I found a list of run
gloves and run too hard was on it.
And I was like, oh, like Humble Park. Like that's so cool.
My boyfriend grew up there. Like I would love to go see this and be in his neighborhood
(43:44):
and kind of see what's up.
And I went and kind of the rest is history. Like I started going.
I was like, wow, Tuesdays are so nice.
It was like the first time I went, like you got to see the top of the hill and the sun was coming up.
And I was like, oh, like and everyone's so nice. And the pace was like so approachable.
And it was it just like felt fulfilling.
And then I got to be like competitive which was also great like I got to be
(44:08):
competitive but no one was telling me like you're shit so I had so much fun
and then yeah the rest is kind of history like I got a bib to the marathon and
I haven't stopped running,
i would stop running and you're enjoying it
yeah so i we've noticed in like our
different guests that we've had how the the meaning of running
(44:29):
evolves through time sometimes and it
really did for you in such a like a positive way i
mean people's journeys definitely evolve right i mean we're talking about
how you went from the journey of looking at it competitively and
then being injured and then sort of this really
nasty experience with a coach then you know a very opposite experience
and sort of seamlessly flying back to chicago from
(44:51):
your master's program and this adventure in france that
you kind of like were tiptoeing around running it sounds like yeah i movement
yeah you did it i didn't i know like i i think i ran like maybe probably five
times while i was there yeah like tiptoeing i was like i was there for six months
and i like went outside i was like this is crazy you're like victor was right
that's what we're so you're riding is crazy.
(45:12):
And then in Chicago, sort of like organically falling back into it,
but more in your terms, right?
More like with this, definitely this wisdom, you got into the marathon.
Which like we ran together for a little bit and like, that's how we met also
like the running and that's, we always connect in that way.
So when I heard your story, it was so amazing in terms of like,
(45:32):
oh, that's absolutely faith. It makes absolute sense.
You know? So now you're running organically and
and the marathon yeah i think i
kind of it was like the marathon was the most
healing experience ever and i will cry if i
talk about it well then i wouldn't express uh i think i knew i cry a lot i knew
(45:56):
going into the marathon like it was kind of like a culmination of like healing
it was like really like coming back to it like you said like it was on my terms,
I kind of like started to have this revelation through training,
like, oh, my God, this is just for you.
Like, yeah, like people want to see you succeed, but no one really cares.
Like I could have finished that marathon like whenever and like my family would
(46:16):
have been there and they would have been so proud.
And like, I don't know, it was so nice to know that when I got to that day and
I did it healthy, that it was just for me.
I think it made me like a better person. like
I think I've gotten better at differentiating like I know the pressure now like
if it's an external pressure I feel like I'm better at saying like oh like this
(46:40):
is for you that was like the biggest the best thing ever like somebody who was
like always a chronic people pleaser to be able to say like you're doing this
for you it was like the coolest thing ever.
Amazing. That's definitely amazing.
Can you share with the listeners and viewers like what your time was?
Because I, yeah, I ran a 303.
(47:04):
Amazing. I ran a 303 and I'm really excited because I qualified for Boston.
So I'm going to go, I'm going to apply for the 2025 and I'm stoked like to do it again.
When I first met you, I think you told me like, just wait until we start doing
these long runs for the marathon.
Marathon and I was like holy shit I have to run
(47:25):
like 15 and like 18 and 20 miles
and that scared me so much and now I'm like oh okay like
I'm looking forward to like the long runs like I
love that part of trading now but again I think that
it goes back to like now I'm like comfortable with like fueling and
I'm comfortable with like all of these things that I would that
you need to be able to do it well so yeah fueling
(47:47):
wisdom yeah you know experience dude and
I wouldn't have have that without run club like that like
that was the other thing I think that I wasn't really privy like yeah I came from
a family of people who ran I don't think that we
all did it the healthiest like no shade on my parents but
I think that they my dad's a great runner but he
wasn't always like the healthiest runner like he would do some things that like
I can't get away with or like I know that other people can't get
(48:09):
away with and run well but like the wisdom of like
the run community to be like hey you need to you need
to be fueling and you need to be sleeping and you need to like here's how
you space things out it like i don't know it was super helpful
because i don't think i would have been able to run the marathon without it so
that speaks to the difference in your
experiences between jet does with a team
(48:30):
in school to running in a run community and
how that's really shaped your support system yeah and
added educational resources yeah that's cool i somebody came up to me i went
to seven on sundays a couple weeks ago and there's was a guy there his name.
Was Cody and he's like I've never ran half or full or I've never ran anything
(48:51):
over a 5k distance and I was like well go to some run clubs like 7 on Sundays is great.
They're like such a like that's such a chill group of people on a Sunday I love
them but like go and get out in the run community because there's so many resources
for you out there and there's so many people that have so much knowledge and
they will help like they can get you through a marathon,
and it's just like you're you've like taken the first step by showing up so
(49:13):
like keep doing it and keep going. And he was at a run.
When did Peace Runners did a run with Lululemon for like Black History Month
recently? And he was there too. And I was like, yeah, he's showing up.
That's great. So message to the viewers, like if you were to send one.
Maybe two if you want to. Underlying messages to runners, aspiring runners,
(49:35):
maybe college, high school runners, whatever, whoever you can think of,
what would you want them to know?
That nobody cares. Seriously, no one cares. Like if like your time doesn't define
you, like your place doesn't define you, your weight doesn't define you,
numbers do not define you, who you are defines you.
Nobody cares if you're choosing to do this, you're doing it for you.
(49:57):
You and that's so important and it's taken me so
long to realize that and so like yeah if anyone else
could like be saved some of the like comparison and the
like you're trying to chase somebody else like it's not worth it at the end
of the day like it's for you and I like if it's not gratifying for you maybe
you should stop like that's the other thing too like I was so angry for so long
(50:19):
like and stopping was the best thing I ever did and like when I came back to
it I was so much more grateful because of the space I had taken.
So nobody, nobody cares.
And, you know, feel free to take space from something that's really hurting
you. Those would be my two, my two things.
Any final thoughts, Luis? No, thank you for taking us through this journey.
(50:42):
It's really, really important because I think especially in today's day and
age, like with digital world, you know, being prevalent and AI and sort of these
ongoing, that's an ongoing theme, I think, that we capture a lot in the podcast
is this sort of image of a comparison as well.
And it's hard not to do, right, with the technology at hand and you have these
different athletes at different levels that we want to aspire,
(51:04):
that we aspire to be, but also remembering and taking grace that we are in right
where we're supposed to be and just kind of going with our journey because there's
so much to learn, right, as an individual and as a group.
And I have nothing else to say because I'm just feeling really humbled right now.
And I think this is your story is just really inspirational and coming from
(51:24):
a female perspective and being able to relate to that body image and just all
those things is people need to hear it.
Whether or not they choose to take it, it's probably a matter of where they're
at in their life. I think it's just so powerful.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.