March 27, 2024 • 28 mins
Today, we're diving deep into the rollercoaster ride of first-time parenthood. We're not holding back as we share our own struggles and triumphs, covering everything from sleepless nights to choosing the perfect pediatrician. But here's the twist – we're not just talking about surviving parenthood; we're talking about thriving in it. From the tough decisions about vaccinations to the ongoing debate between breastfeeding and bottle feeding, we're here to give you the real deal. Oh, and don't forget about screen time – it's a hot topic! Join us for some candid conversation and valuable insights that you'll want to have before your little one arrives. #Parenting101 #FirstTimeParents #ParenthoodConversations #PreBabyTalks #NewParents #ParentingTips #OpenCommunication #BreastfeedingVsBottleFeeding #ScreenTime #ParentingInsights #NavigatingParenthood
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Congratulations, you have a baby on the way. You're about to embark on the most
meaningful and important, rewarding, and tiring adventure of your entire life.
And probably one of the biggest strains on your relationship.
Yeah, things you never thought about, like vaccinations, and sleeping arrangements,
and bottle verse, breastfeeding, and so much more. It could almost break your relationship.
(00:21):
It almost did for us. That it did.
Let's start with the baseline we both wanted kids
but had a completely different idea
of what that looked like or how we would behave i think we're both slapped silly
when it actually happened i mean i i'll be the first to say i think i thought
(00:44):
i was a very different parent than what i have become you are way more involved
in every decision than you made it out to seem yeah which is great,
I think definitely as we're preparing for the baby and even talking about having
kids, I was like, well, Kaylin, like, I mean, date one. She says,
I want to be a mom. I said, great.
I want to have a career and really focus on that.
(01:05):
And then our daughter was born.
And I was not to the, I don't want to say secondary or background parent that
I thought I was going to be.
You fiercely love our daughter and you want what's best for her.
And I think we both have different ideas of what that can look like,
(01:25):
which I think is normal. I don't know.
Tell me. Yeah. And I think, I think one of the big things is you cannot prepare.
For the changes going to happen in you fundamentally as a mom or as a dad when your baby is born.
Cause I, I was completely shell shocked.
And with that, I mean, you need to prepare, obviously to have a kid and you
can prepare, you can prepare, you can prepare, You can prepare,
(01:48):
but there's some things you won't be able to prepare for.
However, I discovered, and I think through a lot of our struggle,
which is why we're sharing this, we discovered that there is what I kind of call the big choices.
And these are just what we've experienced?
That we've struggled with. And they're things that we were roughly in agreement
(02:09):
with going into having...
A child well because you kind of just were like whatever you think
and then when she came he was like this is
not working for me or i need something different which is
normal so having those open lines of communication and being
willing to have conversations but i
do think there is benefit in having this conversation these conversations early
(02:30):
yes because it sends it sets a foundation pre-birth too because like you changed
like i i really struggled with a lot of like postpartum hormones and like somewhat
depression afterwards.
And so some of these conversations became really emotional and hard for me.
And it felt like he was against me, even though, you know, we're on the same team.
(02:54):
Which is so important just to say like the most important thing and the best
thing you can do, if you take anything away from this, just turn to your partner
when you're going through struggles and say, listen, we're on the same page.
We are on the same team. We were both for the best that is for our son or for our daughter.
And we both want what we think is best. And we just kind of have different ways
of how we think we need to get there.
(03:16):
But I mean, it was a struggle. And we are being very vulnerable and just saying
like, it was not our best time as a couple.
We struggled a lot. There was a lot of disagreements.
But I think what we're hoping to go through today is we're not here to tell
you what to think about these things.
We're here rather to entertain the, like these are conversations that you need to entertain and have.
You need to talk about vaccinations. nations. You need to talk about some of
(03:38):
these other things that are on our list.
And they're hot topic conversations for us.
And we just want to dive into a little bit more of our background and our experience with them.
So with that, buckle up, deep breath, no PTSD for us, hopefully.
Hopefully not. Let's dive into some of the big choices.
(03:59):
First thing, sleeping arrangements.
Where is your baby be sleeping when you come home.
Now, I will say to kind of set the foundation of where we're at,
Kaylin had a group of friends, kind of crunchy, very to the co-sleeping,
like your friends, a little more traditional into the sleep training method.
And I will say, I don't think you really know where your baby is sleeping or
(04:21):
what to expect that to be until you bring your baby home.
And you're like, oh, like how, I mean, I had this concept in my mind that they're
going to sleep in this beautiful little bassinet I set up, but is that.
Is that going to work for us? And the newborn days are different.
Like, obviously, you don't sleep train your baby right away or anything like that.
But I think I realized I really wanted her super close to me.
(04:46):
And we wanted to keep checking on her. While Justin kept reaching over me to
get to the bassinet to check her breathing every five minutes.
You feel like it feels like that game Don't Wake Daddy.
And you just sit up in pure terror of like, is my child still alive?
Like i i don't still to this day check on
her constantly in the middle of the night i do i just i
(05:09):
don't think people talk about and like they say here's
your baby they hand it to you and then they say okay good
luck good luck and you're like i have to keep this thing alive like i
and you're just you're so terrified and then you need to do all these
things you need to like check its breaths you need to check its heartbeat
and like you're monitoring this child you're like i'm not not a doctor and you
(05:29):
know you're it's it's a lot of emotion yeah it's a lot of emotion it's a lot
of stress and you don't really realize it's coming you think you're just going
to take home this baby and it's going to be super cute and be like no one tells
you to be checking its its breaths every.
Hour so i mean i was probably doing every hour it's probably like three times
a day but whatever it is like you
(05:50):
don't realize how involved you're going to be until your baby's here
until your baby is here like i i wanted
her close i needed her close i was breastfeeding the
amount of bassinets we went i couldn't see her in our bassinet she was like
below her bed i just didn't like it so yes we didn't realize you know that to
kaylin's point the bassinet was lower it was like level but with like the bottom
(06:13):
of our bed and so like we couldn't see her when And she was in it.
And so anyway, Justin built like five, six bassinets. Caitlin really wanted
a bassinet that she could.
I envisioned it like a cafeteria tray. She wanted to go pull the cafeteria tray onto her lap.
And then push her back. And so that was the beginning.
(06:34):
And then push her back.
Back and so this cost us about five
or six different bassinet build times and and
the last one which thank god worked was the biggest pain
in my butt i've ever built in my life still assembled for the next i'm
not disassembling that thing that will be assembled until we know
for sure there are no more kids coming back it was so hard
(06:55):
but we found something and it worked for us but
obviously there's like a lot of trial and error with this and
like i know first kids the guinea yeah and i know so
many people where it's just it's different right like one of
my good friends her son she said he was too noisy
in the middle of the night so like they ended
up putting him in his nursery next door i think
(07:15):
i said they put him in the closet i actually no
i did have a friend too they only had a one-bedroom apartment
at the time so they they she slept in the
closet because that was the only like dark place in the house that's a natural
soundproofing in there yeah so i mean like you do what works for your baby but
also i think give grace to each other like work with each other like i mean
(07:39):
we we tried to have her in our bed in the beginning.
Like in in our bed and that didn't really work for both of us i was a little
no she had she's so small she wasn't in the bed she had like she was in like
the snuggle me little like she kind kind of thing because the bassinet wasn't working with us anyway.
So until we found this bassinet. And so I guess, so if you want it,
(08:03):
drop a, like, let me know.
I'll give you the link. The biggest thing is you really got to think through what is required for,
of a bassinet when you bring your baby home. We went through so many.
It feels like a stupid thing to keep talking about, but just trying to work
through that mentally with yourself and with your spouse in advance,
(08:25):
very, very important. Next one.
This one's super light, super easy.
Vaccinations and the type of doctor you're going to see. This whole episode is just Yes, weighty.
Controversial. And listen, listen, I'll just say, we're not telling you what
to feel or think or what to do. We're not experts in this field.
(08:47):
We have both read multiple books.
We have both spent way too much time on the internet researching all this.
We've both spent too much time talking to other parents and seeing what they do.
I mean, you're going to use your network as much as you can.
There is so much on childhood vaccinations out there.
And I'll be the first to say, It was Kaylin who really brought this up and has
(09:11):
strong opinions about it. I do have strong opinions.
And I think when you have your kid, and maybe it's different for women,
like because you're growing the baby, that you have this connection to them,
that you innately just want to protect them from harm.
And I'm not saying vaccines are harmful. Like, I don't know.
I don't know. But for me, I had asked Justin,
(09:34):
hey, can we just take a little bit longer to talk about these things or to delay
vaccinations or maybe we won't do them? I don't know.
But I wasn't ready to make that decision the day she was born.
We had we had like hey we're
gonna do this but if something happens traumatically we'll
(09:55):
do this like we're open-minded but
i think we just wanted to have more time to discuss it and to get more opinions
it's it's a lot and there's a lot of literature out there and i know there's
a lot people have very strong opinions about this i think for me i was very
pro-traditional like like whatever the vaccine schedule is.
(10:18):
And I started doing research on it. And what I realized was when we were kids
in the 80s, for Caitlin in the 90s, because she's a little bit younger than
me, not much, she's catching up.
But we had about seven different types of vaccinations that we were given.
And we're never given more than one type of shot per visit.
(10:39):
And these days, I was doing the research, There's over 27 different types of
vaccinations in the first year.
And many of those visits, you're getting multiple shots, which makes it hard
to narrow down reactions.
And that one piece of research alone made me realize, okay, well, maybe...
(11:01):
What Kaylin's saying is not crazy, which I often say it is, but,
and, and I, and I thought that there's some, there's something worth investigating.
And so, you know, it was really important for us that we found a doctor who
was okay with us delaying vaccinations.
There's some research out there
saying that, you know, vaccinations can start, you know, later in life.
(11:22):
Some, some experts, some experts in delayed vaccination would say at three years
of age is like the appropriate time to do certain vaccines.
And, you know, so we just want to give ourselves more time. And in the year
into this, this is still a conversation we're having, but we're a very,
you know, I think the most important thing is you don't have to be a hundred
percent matched up on what you want to do, but you have to be a hundred percent
matched up on the fact that you're going to be very clear and communicate with
(11:43):
each other what you're doing and how you're going to go about it.
And so I think the vaccination decision that we made for us,
which was to delay and to continue to think and talk about it.
And it's still an open conversation.
And we're not completely clear on what we're going to do yet.
But we found some doctors and some just people that I think we respect and have
(12:08):
a lot of knowledge that we've been able to talk to and get their input and their opinion.
And I think the decision of the vaccine should also lead to the kind of doctors that we got.
And we have two different types of doctors. We have two different types of doctors.
We have a doctor who's more holistic and,
you know, they want to try everything possible to treat any sort of thing before going that route.
(12:36):
And then we have a more traditional pediatrician who's open-minded,
who will give you information, who will do it if you want it,
who will not if you don't.
And they're both great. They're both great. And they both give us a lot of things to think about.
And then we are able to have those conversations together and
kind of like you know pray about it get our gut instinct
(12:56):
on what we think and what we feel even I
mean there's just so many things that come up like we
had a doctor the holistic one who wanted to
do a blood draw on her daughter at one year and it
was like four vials of blood and this is a baby that
doesn't even let us put a diaper on her sometimes she fights us for
that I can't even give her like constipation medicine
(13:16):
medicine so like the thought of like taking blood from her was like is this
necessary talking to another doctor and they're like oh we do like a heel prick
and this is what we're measuring so it's just kind of having conversations on
these medical choices that you're making for your kid.
That can impact either them traumatically or their life. And just making sure you're on the same page.
(13:41):
The best thing you can do is to seek out a variety of opinions and then to come
together as a couple and discuss what's right for us and for our kid.
Yeah. And that's different for everyone. And we're not here to tell you what
to do, but you should definitely have a conversation about this to make sure
that you're on the same page.
(14:01):
Stage and you know a lot of people have input on it i mean i have people telling
me things all the time and you can just say you know i really appreciate it
but this is the way this is the decision we're making for our family at this
time and just leave it at that all right this one,
kaylin should really talk about yeah it's it's nursing first bottle feeding
(14:23):
and this is i think it doesn't seem like a big deal at first,
but I mean, so we, we, I breastfeed, I nurse, and we were incorporating a bottle
for a while there pumping as a pain in the butt.
And I applaud every mom who has to do that full time.
Or if you're not able to breastfeed, like I empathize with you because it's
(14:47):
just no matter what route you're,
you're going on, it is it's hard it's hard to feed your baby and but it can
be amazing like too so anyway but.
People are experts on breastfeeding. So if you're having a hard time with it,
like get a lactation specialist or to help you through in the beginning.
I had a really, really, really, really hard time in the beginning,
(15:10):
but I'm so glad we figured it out.
But anyway, Justin brought to my attention, like I can't really leave our daughter
with him because we kind of stopped doing the bottle thing.
Yeah, we were good about it for a bit and then we got lazy.
Because it's hard to it's hard to pump
and to give her a bottle and so now i
(15:32):
mean looking back i think it would
have been really healthy and for us this is just
a conversation to have on what you want to do but i wish
we kind of had incorporated the bottle a little bit more
should take two more easy we can so that i you know
i could go to the grocery store sometimes you need
that the mental getting out as a couple which is
(15:53):
really important which we haven't really done
no we didn't do i mean like part of us sharing this
is we didn't do well at a lot of this stuff you know we learned a
lot i think we learned that well because she's not taken to
a bottle we can't really leave her with like you know a trusted person we don't
really get time alone unless she's like sleeping and that's only in the house
(16:14):
and so i mean there's i think there's a lot of benefits we learn by by making
sure that bottles are incorporated into her routine.
And this is, yeah, again, not telling you what to do, but we kind of wish we
did this because sometimes there are days where I feel like a milk machine and just moo-moo.
(16:35):
You got a sweater that says that. I do. I should have worn it.
I am the milk machine and she is a milky monster, but sometimes it would be
nice to have a little reprieve. safe, I guess.
Yeah. And you know, guys out there like, you know, we can't produce milk.
Even though my daughter thinks that I can.
She's always trying to get me to open my shirt. Yeah. She's like, come on, milky.
(16:58):
But you know, it is a lot in your wife. It does take a lot out of them.
It takes a, I mean, Kaylin's lost so much weight. I mean, if I could breastfeed, I would.
Like she's dropped so many, like Kaylin sleeps 10 plus hours a day.
She has no physical activity whatsoever.
(17:18):
I work out every day. She eats constantly. And she's, look at her. She's like a beanpole.
Meanwhile, dad's out there like trying to like, if I could breastfeed,
I would. I'll put it that way.
I think- Such a sidebar. I think the point is, is that it does take a lot out of your wives.
And so just recognizing that and making sure that you give them their water
when they start breastfeeding and just being attentive to their needs because
(17:41):
they are trapped. They are the milk machine.
And then you just sit there and envy of how much weight they're losing.
Last one on the list, parenting style. Now,
I think that we both had an idea of the kind of parent we wanted
to be maybe i think this is an ever
evolving this one never never really stops you're
(18:03):
absolutely right it's kind of it's kind of always evolving always
changing i think like our parenting style has definitely changed from well your
kid's always changing and then the needs and the wants and the problems arise
that arise are constantly evolving and changing too and then you're like well
how do we deal with this and the that first year your baby changes so much month
(18:24):
month to month to month to month.
Right. That I think you figure something out in the next month.
You're like, doesn't work anymore. Doesn't work anymore.
Or maybe we should try something different or they're alert now.
And now they're looking up our phones and that was never an issue before.
And now it is, but that's, that's a great example of something that you should
definitely have a conversation about beforehand. Like we were very, uh.
(18:46):
Adamant and then i i will i will admit i have been very
adamant and yes banging this drum quite
loudly i agree with you almost sometimes i think
i annoy kaylin with it but we we're very set
on not letting well kaylin brought
this up she didn't want lila to have too much
screen time and listen this this is just our take on it
(19:08):
and then i really got narrowed in on i
don't want and Lila really playing or looking
at a cell phone iPhone ever which is
challenging in this day it's very hard you don't realize
how hard it's going to be until you're you're in it yeah and we have family
that's further away so it's like okay well can you
FaceTime them and like what's the balance of that
(19:29):
phone use but trying to keep the phone away from her
you also showed me so many videos and studies on
like just like kids using phones or being
addicted or just like the use
of you being distracted when your kid comes
in the room or playing with them so i mean it's very on that point i forget
(19:50):
i forget what it's called but it's called like blank face syndrome or something
which is basically the face you have when you're scrolling on your cell phone
but when a kid looks at you and you have that expression they don't know how
to process it and then it they They just,
it affects them quite a bit in their development and specifically their emotional development.
(20:10):
Yeah. We want to have a connection with our daughter and know that she can come
to us and that we're paying attention to her.
And I mean, we fail at this constantly, but it's such a work in progress and
something that we're, I think, trying to work towards. And constantly reminding
each other of, which is important.
I mean, like if you make these decisions together as a couple,
first of all, you need to make these decisions together as a couple.
(20:31):
And then when you do it is you really have to hold yourself accountable. And I'll be honest.
There's been times where Kayla and I were talking the other day and I noticed
there's been a trend of her, she sits in the back with Lila sometimes,
of being on her phone in the car.
And I brought it up and I was like, it really bugs me that you're on your phone in the car.
(20:53):
It's hard to hear. It's hard to bring up. It wasn't an easy conversation knowing
that she's probably going to get mad or frustrated or irritated, but Kayla did it.
It's more like you're just disappointed in yourself because you're like, oh,
I was just trying to like find the directions or something
you're trying to be helpful you're trying to get stuff done and then it
you know but i noticed when i was driving that lila
(21:13):
would look over and like my rear view mirror mirror that i
can see her in i see that lila look over and kaylin will be looking down and
then that that just made me sad and it's like oh we never won i just you know
and to kaylin's point saw so many creepy videos of kids like swiping in their
sleep or there's this this really disappointing video of,
(21:33):
you know, this kid walking to his dad, his dad is on his phone.
I mean, you see it all the time in real life, just look around you.
And so, you know, we never wanted to be those parents.
And so I think there's, there is some expectations you can set together before
you really dive into being a parent of what kind of parents you want to be.
Are there things like the cell phone use that you really want to make sure that
(21:55):
you're on top of, you want to make sure you're in, you're in alignment of,
I mean, if, if it was just me doing this, it would fail.
And if it was just Kaylin trying to do it, it would absolutely fall apart.
So you need to be in alignment of how you're going to parent your kids together.
And then another thing you brought up, I think was, I don't know where you heard
this, but you were like, Hey, did Lila have a good day? Did you guys like survive?
(22:16):
Or are you like thriving and having fun and like engaged in parenting?
So I do want to like talk about that a little bit more. I'll be honest.
I'm shamelessly stealing this for someone else. I forget who it was.
I was listening to another podcast.
But they made a great comparison of you want your kid.
To be thriving, not surviving. They go, when you hire a babysitter.
(22:37):
You hope your kid just survives, that they get fed, that they go to bed on time.
That their diaper gets changed. Yeah, nothing catastrophic happens.
Like your kid is there, they're awake, they're asleep, whatever it is.
But they had a normal day, no bumps, no bruises, everything's fine.
But then there's thriving.
And thriving is when your kid is exploring the world and getting the opportunity
(22:58):
to learn and to grow and to find themselves.
Ourselves and you know it became a
kind of a question for a while that we've been going to as i come back home
like how was the day and could delilah survive or did
she she thrived today and like i appreciate caitlin's honesty she's like today
was a survival day and i'm like that's fair she was in a mood i'm tired so i
did my best but i think it's always that pursuit of we want lila to thrive day
(23:23):
in and day out i think in anything in life it's the pursuit of perfection perfection,
which maybe not everyone is always in alignment of,
but I just think it's so important.
Your kids are the most important thing on this earth with the exception of God
and your lovely wife or husband.
But what you're doing with your kids, the impact you have on your kid's life,
(23:47):
the influence you have, it just can't be measured.
And you take it for granted. And I don't think you always think about every
small moment carries so much weight.
But I think when you turn your perspective around and you say,
this moment right here, I mean, playing with my daughter, with my son or whatever,
(24:08):
this moment really matters.
And you elevate each of those moments. You give those moments so much weight.
I think it really changes your perspective on parenting. I think it makes you
one hyper aware of what you're doing and how you're parenting.
But number two, I think it makes it so much more enjoyable.
And number three, I think you just feel the impact of it so much more.
(24:30):
So I'll be honest. I mean, we all slip out of it, but it's very rare that I
have an interaction with my daughter where I'm not just completely just so grateful
for that moment and just wanting to cherish that moment for what it is.
And wanting to do the best to be the best father that I could be in that moment
and let go of everything else. And that's just being present with your kids.
(24:53):
What? I don't know. I'm getting like emotional hearing you talk about it. It's so sweet.
And listen, I was the one thinking I was going to be kind of a more of a hands-off
parent. Oh, yeah. It was complete 180 for me. I'm going to go to work.
I'm going to be like the Mad Men dad who like is never home.
Yeah, my kid's born. Give me a cigar. I'll smoke, you know, victory cigar and
let me hold my son and then go on with it.
(25:14):
He's such a sucker for her in like the best way. It's so sweet.
I mean, you know. But your perspective is like, I mean, I think it's the way,
the way to be with her. And it's not easy.
No, because like you can get in your head and be like, I'm tired.
I didn't sleep. I got life. I got, you know, something to worry about at work,
(25:35):
at a presentation. So many things on your mind. None of that stuff matters. Yeah.
None of that stuff matters at the end of the day. The thing that matters is
your relationship with God and your family.
And if you're a man, be a man. man, like you're in charge of your family, own it and lead them.
And if you're a parent or you're a dad, you gotta shepherd your children.
(25:55):
That's what you're called to do, so. Yeah, and I really appreciate Justin.
I mean, as hard as it is to hear sometimes him being like, hey,
I think we should do this.
I mean, he is leading our family and he's convicting me of stuff.
It's not like sin, but just like things that like I could do better at And I
should do better and I should want better for our daughter.
(26:18):
And I expect Kaylee to hold me to the same standard. Yeah. But it's good.
I mean, it's good to have a partner who, you know, wants the best for your kid. Yeah. Open dialogue.
Open dialogue. And these things change. Like she's one. Like we...
Come back to me when she's five. Be like, you know what? She's fine. You know?
And it's our first kid. Come back to when I've had three kids and,
(26:39):
you know, they're, you know, five,
12 and 16 i'm sure i'll have a different opinion but for sure cherish cherish
the moment whatever stage that you're in yeah and communicate communicate communicate
so important so important,
All right. Okay. You got anything else? Any shocking revelations?
No, I mean, there's so many little things I think that we learn along the way.
(27:02):
I'm sure we'll share them at some point. And you're constantly learning as a
parent. I think that's the cool thing about it.
Yeah. And I mean, she's one. You can't have too many expectations of her.
She doesn't know. That's a great... Actually, I have one more point.
One more point you want to make? Yeah. Well, because I came to this realization,
and this I did not steal from anyone. This is just an original.
(27:24):
Is I had this epiphany of that with my daughter, who is one,
I can have no expectations on her, none, that she knows what is right,
what is wrong, what is a social norm,
that not understanding that she can't do that.
And once you kind of get in the mindset of like, you cannot have expectations of your kid.
(27:46):
They are trying to create their own world and they're discovering this world.
It just frees you up a lot from frustration. I know it gave me such such a peace
and a patience in raising her.
Just understand like she doesn't know. She has no clue.
And I don't know. That perspective for me was a huge shift. Yeah.
So last tidbit. All right. Well, if you like the show, subscribe,
(28:06):
like, click the bell on YouTube, drop a comment.
If you hate the show, please drop a comment. Anything helps.
You can follow, leave a review wherever you listen. Follow us on social.
She really likes the... The tickety talk. There it is. Other than that,
I'm Justin. I'm Kaylin. Catch you later.
Congratulations, you have a baby on the way. You're about to embark on the most
meaningful and important, rewarding, and tiring adventure of your entire life.
And probably one of the biggest strains on your relationship.
Yeah, things you never thought about, like vaccinations, and sleeping arrangements,
and bottle verse, breastfeeding, and so much more. It could almost break your relationship.
(00:21):
It almost did for us. That it did.
Let's start with the baseline we both wanted kids
but had a completely different idea
of what that looked like or how we would behave i think we're both slapped silly
when it actually happened i mean i i'll be the first to say i think i thought
(00:44):
i was a very different parent than what i have become you are way more involved
in every decision than you made it out to seem yeah which is great,
I think definitely as we're preparing for the baby and even talking about having
kids, I was like, well, Kaylin, like, I mean, date one. She says,
I want to be a mom. I said, great.
I want to have a career and really focus on that.
(01:05):
And then our daughter was born.
And I was not to the, I don't want to say secondary or background parent that
I thought I was going to be.
You fiercely love our daughter and you want what's best for her.
And I think we both have different ideas of what that can look like,
(01:25):
which I think is normal. I don't know.
Tell me. Yeah. And I think, I think one of the big things is you cannot prepare.
For the changes going to happen in you fundamentally as a mom or as a dad when your baby is born.
Cause I, I was completely shell shocked.
And with that, I mean, you need to prepare, obviously to have a kid and you
can prepare, you can prepare, you can prepare, You can prepare,
(01:48):
but there's some things you won't be able to prepare for.
However, I discovered, and I think through a lot of our struggle,
which is why we're sharing this, we discovered that there is what I kind of call the big choices.
And these are just what we've experienced?
That we've struggled with. And they're things that we were roughly in agreement
(02:09):
with going into having...
A child well because you kind of just were like whatever you think
and then when she came he was like this is
not working for me or i need something different which is
normal so having those open lines of communication and being
willing to have conversations but i
do think there is benefit in having this conversation these conversations early
(02:30):
yes because it sends it sets a foundation pre-birth too because like you changed
like i i really struggled with a lot of like postpartum hormones and like somewhat
depression afterwards.
And so some of these conversations became really emotional and hard for me.
And it felt like he was against me, even though, you know, we're on the same team.
(02:54):
Which is so important just to say like the most important thing and the best
thing you can do, if you take anything away from this, just turn to your partner
when you're going through struggles and say, listen, we're on the same page.
We are on the same team. We were both for the best that is for our son or for our daughter.
And we both want what we think is best. And we just kind of have different ways
of how we think we need to get there.
(03:16):
But I mean, it was a struggle. And we are being very vulnerable and just saying
like, it was not our best time as a couple.
We struggled a lot. There was a lot of disagreements.
But I think what we're hoping to go through today is we're not here to tell
you what to think about these things.
We're here rather to entertain the, like these are conversations that you need to entertain and have.
You need to talk about vaccinations. nations. You need to talk about some of
(03:38):
these other things that are on our list.
And they're hot topic conversations for us.
And we just want to dive into a little bit more of our background and our experience with them.
So with that, buckle up, deep breath, no PTSD for us, hopefully.
Hopefully not. Let's dive into some of the big choices.
(03:59):
First thing, sleeping arrangements.
Where is your baby be sleeping when you come home.
Now, I will say to kind of set the foundation of where we're at,
Kaylin had a group of friends, kind of crunchy, very to the co-sleeping,
like your friends, a little more traditional into the sleep training method.
And I will say, I don't think you really know where your baby is sleeping or
(04:21):
what to expect that to be until you bring your baby home.
And you're like, oh, like how, I mean, I had this concept in my mind that they're
going to sleep in this beautiful little bassinet I set up, but is that.
Is that going to work for us? And the newborn days are different.
Like, obviously, you don't sleep train your baby right away or anything like that.
But I think I realized I really wanted her super close to me.
(04:46):
And we wanted to keep checking on her. While Justin kept reaching over me to
get to the bassinet to check her breathing every five minutes.
You feel like it feels like that game Don't Wake Daddy.
And you just sit up in pure terror of like, is my child still alive?
Like i i don't still to this day check on
her constantly in the middle of the night i do i just i
(05:09):
don't think people talk about and like they say here's
your baby they hand it to you and then they say okay good
luck good luck and you're like i have to keep this thing alive like i
and you're just you're so terrified and then you need to do all these
things you need to like check its breaths you need to check its heartbeat
and like you're monitoring this child you're like i'm not not a doctor and you
(05:29):
know you're it's it's a lot of emotion yeah it's a lot of emotion it's a lot
of stress and you don't really realize it's coming you think you're just going
to take home this baby and it's going to be super cute and be like no one tells
you to be checking its its breaths every.
Hour so i mean i was probably doing every hour it's probably like three times
a day but whatever it is like you
(05:50):
don't realize how involved you're going to be until your baby's here
until your baby is here like i i wanted
her close i needed her close i was breastfeeding the
amount of bassinets we went i couldn't see her in our bassinet she was like
below her bed i just didn't like it so yes we didn't realize you know that to
kaylin's point the bassinet was lower it was like level but with like the bottom
(06:13):
of our bed and so like we couldn't see her when And she was in it.
And so anyway, Justin built like five, six bassinets. Caitlin really wanted
a bassinet that she could.
I envisioned it like a cafeteria tray. She wanted to go pull the cafeteria tray onto her lap.
And then push her back. And so that was the beginning.
(06:34):
And then push her back.
Back and so this cost us about five
or six different bassinet build times and and
the last one which thank god worked was the biggest pain
in my butt i've ever built in my life still assembled for the next i'm
not disassembling that thing that will be assembled until we know
for sure there are no more kids coming back it was so hard
(06:55):
but we found something and it worked for us but
obviously there's like a lot of trial and error with this and
like i know first kids the guinea yeah and i know so
many people where it's just it's different right like one of
my good friends her son she said he was too noisy
in the middle of the night so like they ended
up putting him in his nursery next door i think
(07:15):
i said they put him in the closet i actually no
i did have a friend too they only had a one-bedroom apartment
at the time so they they she slept in the
closet because that was the only like dark place in the house that's a natural
soundproofing in there yeah so i mean like you do what works for your baby but
also i think give grace to each other like work with each other like i mean
(07:39):
we we tried to have her in our bed in the beginning.
Like in in our bed and that didn't really work for both of us i was a little
no she had she's so small she wasn't in the bed she had like she was in like
the snuggle me little like she kind kind of thing because the bassinet wasn't working with us anyway.
So until we found this bassinet. And so I guess, so if you want it,
(08:03):
drop a, like, let me know.
I'll give you the link. The biggest thing is you really got to think through what is required for,
of a bassinet when you bring your baby home. We went through so many.
It feels like a stupid thing to keep talking about, but just trying to work
through that mentally with yourself and with your spouse in advance,
(08:25):
very, very important. Next one.
This one's super light, super easy.
Vaccinations and the type of doctor you're going to see. This whole episode is just Yes, weighty.
Controversial. And listen, listen, I'll just say, we're not telling you what
to feel or think or what to do. We're not experts in this field.
(08:47):
We have both read multiple books.
We have both spent way too much time on the internet researching all this.
We've both spent too much time talking to other parents and seeing what they do.
I mean, you're going to use your network as much as you can.
There is so much on childhood vaccinations out there.
And I'll be the first to say, It was Kaylin who really brought this up and has
(09:11):
strong opinions about it. I do have strong opinions.
And I think when you have your kid, and maybe it's different for women,
like because you're growing the baby, that you have this connection to them,
that you innately just want to protect them from harm.
And I'm not saying vaccines are harmful. Like, I don't know.
I don't know. But for me, I had asked Justin,
(09:34):
hey, can we just take a little bit longer to talk about these things or to delay
vaccinations or maybe we won't do them? I don't know.
But I wasn't ready to make that decision the day she was born.
We had we had like hey we're
gonna do this but if something happens traumatically we'll
(09:55):
do this like we're open-minded but
i think we just wanted to have more time to discuss it and to get more opinions
it's it's a lot and there's a lot of literature out there and i know there's
a lot people have very strong opinions about this i think for me i was very
pro-traditional like like whatever the vaccine schedule is.
(10:18):
And I started doing research on it. And what I realized was when we were kids
in the 80s, for Caitlin in the 90s, because she's a little bit younger than
me, not much, she's catching up.
But we had about seven different types of vaccinations that we were given.
And we're never given more than one type of shot per visit.
(10:39):
And these days, I was doing the research, There's over 27 different types of
vaccinations in the first year.
And many of those visits, you're getting multiple shots, which makes it hard
to narrow down reactions.
And that one piece of research alone made me realize, okay, well, maybe...
(11:01):
What Kaylin's saying is not crazy, which I often say it is, but,
and, and I, and I thought that there's some, there's something worth investigating.
And so, you know, it was really important for us that we found a doctor who
was okay with us delaying vaccinations.
There's some research out there
saying that, you know, vaccinations can start, you know, later in life.
(11:22):
Some, some experts, some experts in delayed vaccination would say at three years
of age is like the appropriate time to do certain vaccines.
And, you know, so we just want to give ourselves more time. And in the year
into this, this is still a conversation we're having, but we're a very,
you know, I think the most important thing is you don't have to be a hundred
percent matched up on what you want to do, but you have to be a hundred percent
matched up on the fact that you're going to be very clear and communicate with
(11:43):
each other what you're doing and how you're going to go about it.
And so I think the vaccination decision that we made for us,
which was to delay and to continue to think and talk about it.
And it's still an open conversation.
And we're not completely clear on what we're going to do yet.
But we found some doctors and some just people that I think we respect and have
(12:08):
a lot of knowledge that we've been able to talk to and get their input and their opinion.
And I think the decision of the vaccine should also lead to the kind of doctors that we got.
And we have two different types of doctors. We have two different types of doctors.
We have a doctor who's more holistic and,
you know, they want to try everything possible to treat any sort of thing before going that route.
(12:36):
And then we have a more traditional pediatrician who's open-minded,
who will give you information, who will do it if you want it,
who will not if you don't.
And they're both great. They're both great. And they both give us a lot of things to think about.
And then we are able to have those conversations together and
kind of like you know pray about it get our gut instinct
(12:56):
on what we think and what we feel even I
mean there's just so many things that come up like we
had a doctor the holistic one who wanted to
do a blood draw on her daughter at one year and it
was like four vials of blood and this is a baby that
doesn't even let us put a diaper on her sometimes she fights us for
that I can't even give her like constipation medicine
(13:16):
medicine so like the thought of like taking blood from her was like is this
necessary talking to another doctor and they're like oh we do like a heel prick
and this is what we're measuring so it's just kind of having conversations on
these medical choices that you're making for your kid.
That can impact either them traumatically or their life. And just making sure you're on the same page.
(13:41):
The best thing you can do is to seek out a variety of opinions and then to come
together as a couple and discuss what's right for us and for our kid.
Yeah. And that's different for everyone. And we're not here to tell you what
to do, but you should definitely have a conversation about this to make sure
that you're on the same page.
(14:01):
Stage and you know a lot of people have input on it i mean i have people telling
me things all the time and you can just say you know i really appreciate it
but this is the way this is the decision we're making for our family at this
time and just leave it at that all right this one,
kaylin should really talk about yeah it's it's nursing first bottle feeding
(14:23):
and this is i think it doesn't seem like a big deal at first,
but I mean, so we, we, I breastfeed, I nurse, and we were incorporating a bottle
for a while there pumping as a pain in the butt.
And I applaud every mom who has to do that full time.
Or if you're not able to breastfeed, like I empathize with you because it's
(14:47):
just no matter what route you're,
you're going on, it is it's hard it's hard to feed your baby and but it can
be amazing like too so anyway but.
People are experts on breastfeeding. So if you're having a hard time with it,
like get a lactation specialist or to help you through in the beginning.
I had a really, really, really, really hard time in the beginning,
(15:10):
but I'm so glad we figured it out.
But anyway, Justin brought to my attention, like I can't really leave our daughter
with him because we kind of stopped doing the bottle thing.
Yeah, we were good about it for a bit and then we got lazy.
Because it's hard to it's hard to pump
and to give her a bottle and so now i
(15:32):
mean looking back i think it would
have been really healthy and for us this is just
a conversation to have on what you want to do but i wish
we kind of had incorporated the bottle a little bit more
should take two more easy we can so that i you know
i could go to the grocery store sometimes you need
that the mental getting out as a couple which is
(15:53):
really important which we haven't really done
no we didn't do i mean like part of us sharing this
is we didn't do well at a lot of this stuff you know we learned a
lot i think we learned that well because she's not taken to
a bottle we can't really leave her with like you know a trusted person we don't
really get time alone unless she's like sleeping and that's only in the house
(16:14):
and so i mean there's i think there's a lot of benefits we learn by by making
sure that bottles are incorporated into her routine.
And this is, yeah, again, not telling you what to do, but we kind of wish we
did this because sometimes there are days where I feel like a milk machine and just moo-moo.
(16:35):
You got a sweater that says that. I do. I should have worn it.
I am the milk machine and she is a milky monster, but sometimes it would be
nice to have a little reprieve. safe, I guess.
Yeah. And you know, guys out there like, you know, we can't produce milk.
Even though my daughter thinks that I can.
She's always trying to get me to open my shirt. Yeah. She's like, come on, milky.
(16:58):
But you know, it is a lot in your wife. It does take a lot out of them.
It takes a, I mean, Kaylin's lost so much weight. I mean, if I could breastfeed, I would.
Like she's dropped so many, like Kaylin sleeps 10 plus hours a day.
She has no physical activity whatsoever.
(17:18):
I work out every day. She eats constantly. And she's, look at her. She's like a beanpole.
Meanwhile, dad's out there like trying to like, if I could breastfeed,
I would. I'll put it that way.
I think- Such a sidebar. I think the point is, is that it does take a lot out of your wives.
And so just recognizing that and making sure that you give them their water
when they start breastfeeding and just being attentive to their needs because
(17:41):
they are trapped. They are the milk machine.
And then you just sit there and envy of how much weight they're losing.
Last one on the list, parenting style. Now,
I think that we both had an idea of the kind of parent we wanted
to be maybe i think this is an ever
evolving this one never never really stops you're
(18:03):
absolutely right it's kind of it's kind of always evolving always
changing i think like our parenting style has definitely changed from well your
kid's always changing and then the needs and the wants and the problems arise
that arise are constantly evolving and changing too and then you're like well
how do we deal with this and the that first year your baby changes so much month
(18:24):
month to month to month to month.
Right. That I think you figure something out in the next month.
You're like, doesn't work anymore. Doesn't work anymore.
Or maybe we should try something different or they're alert now.
And now they're looking up our phones and that was never an issue before.
And now it is, but that's, that's a great example of something that you should
definitely have a conversation about beforehand. Like we were very, uh.
(18:46):
Adamant and then i i will i will admit i have been very
adamant and yes banging this drum quite
loudly i agree with you almost sometimes i think
i annoy kaylin with it but we we're very set
on not letting well kaylin brought
this up she didn't want lila to have too much
screen time and listen this this is just our take on it
(19:08):
and then i really got narrowed in on i
don't want and Lila really playing or looking
at a cell phone iPhone ever which is
challenging in this day it's very hard you don't realize
how hard it's going to be until you're you're in it yeah and we have family
that's further away so it's like okay well can you
FaceTime them and like what's the balance of that
(19:29):
phone use but trying to keep the phone away from her
you also showed me so many videos and studies on
like just like kids using phones or being
addicted or just like the use
of you being distracted when your kid comes
in the room or playing with them so i mean it's very on that point i forget
(19:50):
i forget what it's called but it's called like blank face syndrome or something
which is basically the face you have when you're scrolling on your cell phone
but when a kid looks at you and you have that expression they don't know how
to process it and then it they They just,
it affects them quite a bit in their development and specifically their emotional development.
(20:10):
Yeah. We want to have a connection with our daughter and know that she can come
to us and that we're paying attention to her.
And I mean, we fail at this constantly, but it's such a work in progress and
something that we're, I think, trying to work towards. And constantly reminding
each other of, which is important.
I mean, like if you make these decisions together as a couple,
first of all, you need to make these decisions together as a couple.
(20:31):
And then when you do it is you really have to hold yourself accountable. And I'll be honest.
There's been times where Kayla and I were talking the other day and I noticed
there's been a trend of her, she sits in the back with Lila sometimes,
of being on her phone in the car.
And I brought it up and I was like, it really bugs me that you're on your phone in the car.
(20:53):
It's hard to hear. It's hard to bring up. It wasn't an easy conversation knowing
that she's probably going to get mad or frustrated or irritated, but Kayla did it.
It's more like you're just disappointed in yourself because you're like, oh,
I was just trying to like find the directions or something
you're trying to be helpful you're trying to get stuff done and then it
you know but i noticed when i was driving that lila
(21:13):
would look over and like my rear view mirror mirror that i
can see her in i see that lila look over and kaylin will be looking down and
then that that just made me sad and it's like oh we never won i just you know
and to kaylin's point saw so many creepy videos of kids like swiping in their
sleep or there's this this really disappointing video of,
(21:33):
you know, this kid walking to his dad, his dad is on his phone.
I mean, you see it all the time in real life, just look around you.
And so, you know, we never wanted to be those parents.
And so I think there's, there is some expectations you can set together before
you really dive into being a parent of what kind of parents you want to be.
Are there things like the cell phone use that you really want to make sure that
(21:55):
you're on top of, you want to make sure you're in, you're in alignment of,
I mean, if, if it was just me doing this, it would fail.
And if it was just Kaylin trying to do it, it would absolutely fall apart.
So you need to be in alignment of how you're going to parent your kids together.
And then another thing you brought up, I think was, I don't know where you heard
this, but you were like, Hey, did Lila have a good day? Did you guys like survive?
(22:16):
Or are you like thriving and having fun and like engaged in parenting?
So I do want to like talk about that a little bit more. I'll be honest.
I'm shamelessly stealing this for someone else. I forget who it was.
I was listening to another podcast.
But they made a great comparison of you want your kid.
To be thriving, not surviving. They go, when you hire a babysitter.
(22:37):
You hope your kid just survives, that they get fed, that they go to bed on time.
That their diaper gets changed. Yeah, nothing catastrophic happens.
Like your kid is there, they're awake, they're asleep, whatever it is.
But they had a normal day, no bumps, no bruises, everything's fine.
But then there's thriving.
And thriving is when your kid is exploring the world and getting the opportunity
(22:58):
to learn and to grow and to find themselves.
Ourselves and you know it became a
kind of a question for a while that we've been going to as i come back home
like how was the day and could delilah survive or did
she she thrived today and like i appreciate caitlin's honesty she's like today
was a survival day and i'm like that's fair she was in a mood i'm tired so i
did my best but i think it's always that pursuit of we want lila to thrive day
(23:23):
in and day out i think in anything in life it's the pursuit of perfection perfection,
which maybe not everyone is always in alignment of,
but I just think it's so important.
Your kids are the most important thing on this earth with the exception of God
and your lovely wife or husband.
But what you're doing with your kids, the impact you have on your kid's life,
(23:47):
the influence you have, it just can't be measured.
And you take it for granted. And I don't think you always think about every
small moment carries so much weight.
But I think when you turn your perspective around and you say,
this moment right here, I mean, playing with my daughter, with my son or whatever,
(24:08):
this moment really matters.
And you elevate each of those moments. You give those moments so much weight.
I think it really changes your perspective on parenting. I think it makes you
one hyper aware of what you're doing and how you're parenting.
But number two, I think it makes it so much more enjoyable.
And number three, I think you just feel the impact of it so much more.
(24:30):
So I'll be honest. I mean, we all slip out of it, but it's very rare that I
have an interaction with my daughter where I'm not just completely just so grateful
for that moment and just wanting to cherish that moment for what it is.
And wanting to do the best to be the best father that I could be in that moment
and let go of everything else. And that's just being present with your kids.
(24:53):
What? I don't know. I'm getting like emotional hearing you talk about it. It's so sweet.
And listen, I was the one thinking I was going to be kind of a more of a hands-off
parent. Oh, yeah. It was complete 180 for me. I'm going to go to work.
I'm going to be like the Mad Men dad who like is never home.
Yeah, my kid's born. Give me a cigar. I'll smoke, you know, victory cigar and
let me hold my son and then go on with it.
(25:14):
He's such a sucker for her in like the best way. It's so sweet.
I mean, you know. But your perspective is like, I mean, I think it's the way,
the way to be with her. And it's not easy.
No, because like you can get in your head and be like, I'm tired.
I didn't sleep. I got life. I got, you know, something to worry about at work,
(25:35):
at a presentation. So many things on your mind. None of that stuff matters. Yeah.
None of that stuff matters at the end of the day. The thing that matters is
your relationship with God and your family.
And if you're a man, be a man. man, like you're in charge of your family, own it and lead them.
And if you're a parent or you're a dad, you gotta shepherd your children.
(25:55):
That's what you're called to do, so. Yeah, and I really appreciate Justin.
I mean, as hard as it is to hear sometimes him being like, hey,
I think we should do this.
I mean, he is leading our family and he's convicting me of stuff.
It's not like sin, but just like things that like I could do better at And I
should do better and I should want better for our daughter.
(26:18):
And I expect Kaylee to hold me to the same standard. Yeah. But it's good.
I mean, it's good to have a partner who, you know, wants the best for your kid. Yeah. Open dialogue.
Open dialogue. And these things change. Like she's one. Like we...
Come back to me when she's five. Be like, you know what? She's fine. You know?
And it's our first kid. Come back to when I've had three kids and,
(26:39):
you know, they're, you know, five,
12 and 16 i'm sure i'll have a different opinion but for sure cherish cherish
the moment whatever stage that you're in yeah and communicate communicate communicate
so important so important,
All right. Okay. You got anything else? Any shocking revelations?
No, I mean, there's so many little things I think that we learn along the way.
(27:02):
I'm sure we'll share them at some point. And you're constantly learning as a
parent. I think that's the cool thing about it.
Yeah. And I mean, she's one. You can't have too many expectations of her.
She doesn't know. That's a great... Actually, I have one more point.
One more point you want to make? Yeah. Well, because I came to this realization,
and this I did not steal from anyone. This is just an original.
(27:24):
Is I had this epiphany of that with my daughter, who is one,
I can have no expectations on her, none, that she knows what is right,
what is wrong, what is a social norm,
that not understanding that she can't do that.
And once you kind of get in the mindset of like, you cannot have expectations of your kid.
(27:46):
They are trying to create their own world and they're discovering this world.
It just frees you up a lot from frustration. I know it gave me such such a peace
and a patience in raising her.
Just understand like she doesn't know. She has no clue.
And I don't know. That perspective for me was a huge shift. Yeah.
So last tidbit. All right. Well, if you like the show, subscribe,
(28:06):
like, click the bell on YouTube, drop a comment.
If you hate the show, please drop a comment. Anything helps.
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She really likes the... The tickety talk. There it is. Other than that,
I'm Justin. I'm Kaylin. Catch you later.
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