March 20, 2024 • 32 mins
The honeymoon stage of marriage doesn't last all that long for most. Sometimes before your bags are even unpacked you are facing the struggles of "year one" of living with the man or woman of your dreams. Changing intimacy levels, the great baby debate, carving out personal space and divvying up household chores. It's all just part of the journey. #MarriedLife #Newlyweds #RelationshipGoals #HoneymoonHavoc #FirstYearOfMarriage #LoveAndChaos #CommunicationIsKey #FamilyPlanning #FinancialTips #HouseholdChores #PersonalSpace #CoupleGoals
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(00:00):
The first year of marriage can be a bit of a doozy. And you will fight,
even if you have never had a fight before.
So we're taking a look at some of the top fights that newlywed couples have
in their first year of marriage so you can avoid those pitfalls unlike us.
Thinking back on our first year of marriage, what words come to mind?
(00:22):
A lot happened. Non-stop. Non-stop.
Challenging. Challenging. Change.
Change. constant change okay i mean
we had a lot of fun lots of travel i
don't know i heard an absence of love i didn't
hear passion sorry or lots of
(00:43):
love no now you're just now you're just saying it to say it
you we had a lot going on
our first year of marriage it's an adjustment i would
say an adjustment big time adjustment i mean we
moved we got married we moved in
together we moved we got pregnant about by
moved you mean we had a cross-country move we had a cross-country move and then
(01:04):
two but a month after getting married yeah i think it was two months and then
we you know bought a house yep moved into a house got got breakers welcomed
a baby and then like it was was just a lot.
There was a lot. And no matter what your first year of marriage looks like,
you're probably going through a lot of changes.
(01:25):
As Caitlin said, one of the biggest adjustments for me was just the adjustment
of going from living by yourself with plenty of personal space to having no personal space.
So what we did today is we took a look, actually, we Googled online,
we looked at a bunch of different articles. At the top, the number one.
Biggest fights that newlywed couples have in their first year of marriage.
(01:45):
And we're going to kind of, you know, dig through them today and talk about
our experiences and see if we had some of these fights or what they might've looked like.
And what you can do to hopefully avoid these fights or at least know when you
come to this fight that you're prepared to kind of have like a playbook ready
in hand and hopefully you discuss some of these issues in advance.
Sounds good. Let's dive in. Okay. So the number one biggest fight the newlywed
(02:09):
couples have in their first year of marriage, And I was a little surprised by
this is the what happened to our sex life fight.
Now, we we didn't have a sex life before we got married.
So correct. Yeah. So, I mean, I think that's kind of an important disclaimer
here. Like we were never intimate with each other before we're married.
So like go good. Good for us. Good for Caitlin. She waited like 30 some years, but 30, 30, 30 years.
(02:33):
Exactly. So there is a therapist who was talking and he said that it's,
you know, it's not uncommon common that after a wedding the sexual
passion does die down for one or both partners
and they become unhappy with their sex
life and i was surprised by this because i feel like i
don't know my friends they're always just talking about like oh first year marriage
was just it was so great there was so much passion however i will say i was
(02:57):
also not surprised because i this this is a not a fight we had but definitely
a discussion i thought i brought this up a few times yeah so So when we were dating,
like we didn't have sex until we got married.
But, you know, you make out.
And I felt like we had a very like loving, passionate dating relationship.
(03:19):
I mean, there was a huge friendship too on top of that. But when we got married,
Justin gets very busy with work.
And when he gets busy with work or some other things going on in his life,
I feel like he forgets about this part a little bit.
Just a little bit, I don't know. I become very hyper-focused, I will admit that.
(03:42):
I was like, I've waited 30 years for this. I want it.
Yeah. And I think we were like, you know, we got pregnant. So I was like, better get it in.
I want it. I want it now because the time's not going to be forever that we
can have it now. Time is ticking.
It's so interesting that there are so many studies done on this.
(04:03):
And this is a very common thing that couples argue about or fight about.
And, you know, as you could tell from our opening here, we had an insane first
year of marriage between everything else going on, not to mention I was going
through just so much at work.
I was leading projects that were larger than I've ever led before in my life. And we're very busy.
And I was traveling a ton for work and setting up these global summits.
(04:25):
So, like, there was all that on top of everything that we were going through.
And this is something that definitely kind of fell by the wayside.
And I think unintentionally, and I'll be honest, I don't think I really even
noticed it until Caitlin brought it up one day.
But it was just like funny because it's like when you're dating
you like you like want to cuddle and like hang
out and then you know when you get married you
like put in your retainer and go to your side of the
(04:48):
bed it is very different you're like oh i guess
nothing's going on i guess it's nighttime so
i think it just comes down to communication and like i
think i mean we definitely talked about this in premarital of
like expectations like how often are you
expecting it like what like what
would be a realistic expectation for it
(05:10):
yeah kind of going back to what you said for a second there is such a thing
in dating where like you go over to someone's house to like watch a movie
and you're like okay we'll watch a movie and then possibly cuddle a bit and
maybe cuddle it'll turn into something else but when you're married feels like
it's weird but that changes because now it's like okay yeah we'll watch a movie
but also i'm gonna like work on this project real quick as we as we watch a
movie so it wasn't like all like the intentional intentional quality time,
(05:33):
the holding hands. And I guess it comes down to the fact that like,
you're always together now so it's not as like so you gotta kind of find those intentional.
Date nights because like when you're dating it's like well i'm busy tonight so
i'm not gonna see you because i have to work whereas like when you're married it's like
okay yeah i'll hang out with you because i love you and i still want to hang out with you but
also i'm gonna work while i hang out with you and i think it was finding that
(05:54):
separation between the two which which is
important not taking it too personally no i mean
i think the biggest thing about this is you know we we suffer from
this i'm sure if you're going through your first year of marriage like i'm
sure you suffer through it as well is that you
just got to communicate and like you know shout out
to kaylin because typically it's the guy in the relationship who
and this is just looking at the stats
(06:17):
it's typically the guy who's like hey like come on
baby let's go and and in this relationship in
our case it was it was her and you know
i think that i was just it was good on her for bringing this up
and i think it wasn't like i needed sex it
was just like wanting to feel desired you know
right so and her and and
(06:38):
it was like you having such a big need for that
that quality time yes quality time and you know our
quality time just shifted because we're around each other all the time so but
we communicated and i feel like we found a rhythm that works for us and literally
oh is that too much sure yeah whatever oh it's fine point is point is communicate communicate and speak,
(07:03):
speak your needs and then find a, find a middle ground.
And like, yeah, it'll all work out.
Next on the list is when are we having a baby fight?
And this honestly was more shocking than the first, just because I think if
you're getting married, you've had this conversation.
At least for me, I just didn't have this conversation.
(07:24):
I had an onslaught coming at me of before we
even got married that my eggs are dying
my clock is ticking it's almost over i'm
gonna be an old maid soon enough when you have a baby now okay hold on a second
the only reason i said all this was because you were like dragging your feet
i'm like are we like are we serious are we gonna get married one of these days
(07:47):
or are you just like talking about it and like a,
I didn't know, but he was like working behind the scenes and had a huge plan.
That's how I work behind the scenes, apparently.
Magician. So, yes. So I was kind of annoying and was like, OK,
are we are we like I need to break up with you if we're not getting married
because my eggs are, in fact, dying.
(08:08):
And I was going to be 30. It was literally an ultimatum. It was like,
if we don't get married soon, I'm going to break up with you because I need to have children now.
And you're not moving fast enough for my my speed. Yeah.
My taste. We've been together for like two years. Which some people date for
way longer than two years. Yes, but I'm in like this.
Kaylin was in a rush. No, I've just been around like when you know,
(08:32):
you know. It's like you won't be together anyway.
Maybe I was still thinking about it. He was still thinking about it.
Maybe I wasn't sure. He wasn't sure.
But I'm surprised by this. Well, I know people who have had this fight where
they have talked about it while they were dating.
And then one of the partners changes their mind.
You know and then they're like oh well i need to
be at this job or making this much money or
(08:55):
whatever standard they have in order to have
a kid i think for us you're never
going to be in a place where you feel financially or just
responsibly ready to have a child but at the same time if you want it you just
got to do it yeah but i think that's also something that we were we talked about
i think before i think the big the big thing here again is kind of a common
(09:18):
My theme is like making sure you're talking about this while you're dating because
we both know while we're dating. Why are you from date one?
Because Caitlin says, I want to be a mom and I want to have kids. But we know I waste time.
We knew we were dating that we both wanted to have kids. But I do think there's
something about the discussion of when and that's incredibly important.
And the discussion of like, what are the parameters, like what things have to
(09:38):
fall into place as you're mentioning before we have those kids?
And, you know, honestly, we totally changed our plan because when we were dating,
I think we had talked about waiting like a year.
Yeah, we talked about waiting at least a year, like a year. And that gives us some time to be married.
And then Justin, but we didn't really have like at this amount of money or like
(10:00):
once I get this promotion.
And I think and I think because we are both in the mindset of like you're married.
You're never going to be ready. Now, granted, that's also the mindset of,
you know, I was 32, 33 when we got married. 32.
And you were 30. So like we kind of had, I think we both were kind of in this
more mature mind space of like, you're just never gonna be ready for anything.
So you just kind of have to do it. But I think at the same time, you're right.
(10:23):
We went from wanting to wait at least a year to be married to suddenly trying
three months into marriage.
But that was because of external factors. I think I think you became more open
minded to it because, you know, sometimes it takes longer.
And for us, we were just extremely blessed and it happened really quickly.
But that's like not the norm of what we were experiencing in our circle. So correct.
(10:46):
A lot of our friends were were struggling at the time to get pregnant.
And so we were like, we just had a conversation where we're like,
what if this takes a while?
And then it's like, this could take a year. And then it was like,
well, let's just put it into God's hands and see what happens.
And then Lila was made. God said, no problem. I got this.
Don't you fret. But like, I mean, with your parents, like they had you and then
(11:09):
they waited seven or eight years before your brother was born. They didn't wait.
They were trying. I meant they were trying and the Lord did not answer that
prayer. Yeah, for about eight years.
Yeah. So, I mean, you just never know.
And we didn't know. So we went for it. Talk about it.
But talk about it. I mean, first, no, if you want to have kids,
but then second of all, talking about the timing of it.
(11:29):
I think that's important because I had a friend who this happened to and their
marriage didn't work out because...
Of of this disagreement and that's really
hard when of the parameters around when well i don't
think he was honest with her yeah and so it's like she
that was her number one desire and how like do you really truly love someone
(11:52):
if you squash their number one desire i feel like in that situation it's kind
of a you know a dangling carrot situation like when we get to this point or
we get this much money and then they move and then the goalposts got moving yeah so um yeah yeah,
be super honest and vulnerable with each other when it comes to this.
And if your desire changes, let your partner know.
And hopefully the Lord puts it on their heart that they're in the same boat
(12:17):
and their heart changes to what you want as well.
So I don't know. It's a tricky thing, but be honest.
Okay. Number three on the list of the top newlywed fights was we need to have
have better boundaries.
This one's funny. Really? Because this is something that honestly- This one makes a lot of sense.
(12:37):
It makes a lot of sense, but I don't think that I really anticipated how much
this was going to affect me personally. What do you mean?
I think the idea of joining your life with someone sounds great.
And we had the benefit, I think, of dating through COVID, which meant we had
a lot of quality time together. and we're spending days together working from home.
(12:59):
And so we kind of got to play house a bit more than most couples probably would.
Especially couples who don't live together.
Right, so I think that, but doing all that, I was like, this is gonna be fine.
And then we got married and I was like, she's everywhere.
She's everywhere, I go in this room and she's there. Or I go in this room and
she's like, hey, how are you?
It's kind of like a horror film. It's like every room you go into,
(13:22):
they're there. They're looking at you, they're staring at you.
I'm so sad. I'm not that way. We were also in like a one bedroom, small apartment.
That had like a loop that you can like, you can go into the,
to the bedroom and the bedroom connected to the bathroom and the bathroom connected
to the kitchen and the family area.
So I would be like, okay, I'm just going to go over here. And then I walk over
(13:42):
there and then, you know, then you're there.
And then we were also, we were both working from home in that apartment.
So it was like, he was working in the kitchen and I was working in the bedroom.
Room. And then I was like, I need to fix lunch.
Hi, I'm here. Be in the middle of a very big, important call.
And you know, I'll be real quiet while I make my food.
No, not at all. But I know, I think, I think this one makes a lot of sense.
(14:07):
And I think the big, the big question is, it's more than just about the personal
space. I think it's also how are you going to live your life together?
Like we have friends and we also have parents, I said a parents who are totally
different about how they've joined their lives.
And I think it's the idea of like, we're going to live, we're going to be married,
but kind of do our separate thing, or we're going to be married,
(14:30):
we're going to do everything together and be separate as necessary or as needed
for either personal space or for whatever reason it might be.
You know, my parents, like they do, they do everything together.
Like, I mean, it's very rare. For better or for worse.
For better or for worse. And I'm not saying either one of these is right or
wrong, but we had two very different
examples, whereas Kaylin's parents definitely separate a bit more.
(14:53):
They go on trips on their own at times. Sometimes, yeah. Stuff like that.
My dad worked and had a commute and traveled for work, so he was busy and gone a lot.
But then we'd all go on vacation and spend time together.
Right, of course you have that family time. But even our families vacation differently.
You can get into so many boundaries. Right. And like familial boundaries,
(15:16):
like boundaries you have with like your family on top of this.
Yeah, I think we also have friends who, you know, I'm always kind of surprised
about how much solo time they have.
Because we kind of have a very joined life, but we also choose that.
But we also know that we have the ability to be like, hey, I'm going to do this with my friends.
(15:36):
I'm going to do this with my friends. And like, it's totally cool.
But I am sometimes surprised with some of our married friends that it feels
like they are apart a lot more than one would expect, at least what we expected.
And there's nothing wrong or right about that, but I think it is a very important
conversation to have about how much time you expect to spend with one another.
(15:57):
All the time. Well, no, no, not all the time.
But I mean, that's a legit question. And so when you're dating and you're in
your dating stage of life and really have that deep conversation because I think
that one makes a lot of sense that people fight about.
And it's not an easy one-size-fits-all solution. It really depends upon you and your relationship.
(16:19):
Okay, the next one is the I'm sick of cleaning up after you fight.
This makes a lot of sense.
For you? Oh, this makes... A ton of scents.
I don't think I get mad at you for like, I don't feel like I'm cleaning up after
you. There's definitely because you're not.
Because you're clean. But there are some things that you do that I just don't let bother me.
(16:40):
You always leave your water cup from the morning in the sink upside down or
your bowl of whatever you ate in the morning before you go to work.
You always leave it in the sink and you never add water to it.
So it's like that. Try not to wake anyone up. That oatmeal bowl. I make
you a smoothie like there's a blender going off so like
those are things you've never told me so right now on this
(17:03):
podcast that bugs you okay problem solved put some water
in it it doesn't really bother me like I know that you like you do it but I'm
like it's not big enough for me to have a fight over if that makes sense I think
when I think of the I'm tired of cleaning up after your fight it's more about
the fact that you don't clean up after yourself and so then I I have to pick
up my game and I have to get it done for the family.
(17:26):
So you don't experience that. I wouldn't think you experience that.
I think that you experience like everything's clean. Even stuff that I didn't
put away is somehow magically put away.
Babe, I do like the dishes and clean up all the time. I clean up the house.
Are you doing the floors? Are you scrubbing the toilets?
(17:46):
No. I think one of the big fundamental things about this
one is I mean to be fair with Caitlin I don't think we really
fought about you're not cleaning up after yourself I think we
have very different ideas of what organization looks like though that is
a totally and so but it's it's like so like Caitlin will do that typical thing
we're like I'll come home out and put them and then I won't put them back and
(18:09):
then they're somewhere else so yes I guess and then with those scissors she
opened up the Amazon boxes and the Amazon Amazon boxes are just,
you know, stacked somewhere in the corner of the house.
Does every wife put the Amazon boxes in the garage for their husband to break
down and put in the trash can? Or is that just me?
Hold on. Your big thing is that I have moved the open Amazon box to on top of
(18:34):
the freezer in the garage. That way you can break them down.
Which we've never discussed. This is the only time she's ever said in my entire
life that I'm in charge of the trash. We've never discussed household chores
that we're responsible for, but we naturally kind of took...
Like ownership of certain yeah well i
(18:55):
think a lot of it had to do with what was like
my job at the time i was just i was
gone a lot of very busy a lot and kaylin's job
at the time was the best job ever gig that kaylin may have been working an hour
a day maybe and getting a full-time page we should have kept that job anyway
is that i think that shouldn't have moved you you had the the ability to really maintain the house.
(19:22):
Yes. Now, I will say there was a big shift in this when Lila was born.
And so Kaylin was a very good, not that she isn't now, but she was a very good
housekeeper and keeper of the home and making sure everything was cleaned and stuff like that.
And then when our daughter was born, and granted, now that's a full-time job.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying it's not.
But then I found in order to have my
(19:44):
sanity in the space that I needed
for a house to be functional and organized that i
had to pick up a lot more of those duties and we've
gotten better about it over the as our daughter's
gotten older but there was it was definitely a shift there for
a while it's just raising a child is like all consuming especially if you're
(20:05):
like breastfeeding and yeah it's a lot so i wasn't able to juggle as much right
yeah but But I think the biggest thing about this is just, I mean,
again, it's communication, communication.
Communication, but also just having grace for your partner, especially if you're
going through something, whether it's, you know, having a kid or a new job or,
(20:28):
you know, going through some health issues, just having grace and picking up
the slack of your partner.
And I mean, that's, that's what it's really about. You're, you're a team,
you're a couple, you got to be on the same team.
Sometimes you got to lift that other person up. I think one one of the best
things that I ever sort of had the mindset of was that just acknowledging that,
you know, at times I won't be able to do anything.
(20:49):
My 100% will not be what Kaylin's 100% is.
And Kaylin's 100% will not be what my 100% is. And what I mean by that is what
I'm capable of doing, Kaylin might not be able to do in a season of life.
And what Kaylin's capable of doing, I might not be able to measure up to.
And just accepting your partner for where they're at. Like they can only do
80% of their load right now. Then that's just where they're at.
They're at 80% of their load. And you got to do 120.
(21:10):
And you got to do 120. And that's what you do as a couple.
And so I think that's a huge part of what this is. And that goes a lot deeper,
obviously, than cleaning the house. But I can see where this can be an issue,
I guess, is what I'm saying.
For sure. Not only in your first year of marriage, especially if you never lived
together and you're not organized people.
Like, I mean, you know, Kaylin is. I'm not bad.
(21:31):
Kaylin is. I'm not bad. No, Kaylin is. I was about to compliment you.
Oh, thank you. Kaylin has truly gone through a transformation.
Oh, thank you. I like to say that I have saved Kaylin from her messy ways.
And she's become a much more neat, organized human. I mean, I remember her car
used to just be disgusting.
Like there was trash and all this stuff in there. And now you at least acknowledge
(21:51):
like, I need to clean the car. It's not good. I'm like, you know what?
Acknowledge you have a problem is like step number one. And so Kaylin is definitely there.
I think too, when you have a partner who's striving for excellence too,
they help encourage and bring you up to want to strive for excellence.
But I also want to touch on the point of grace.
And also like, sometimes you have to evaluate your, like, does the cup in the sink really bug me?
(22:15):
Okay. Then say something. But, Is this a me problem or is this like a them problem?
Because like, does it really take me that long to move the cup into the dishwasher? No.
As long as it's something that's not going to settle, you know,
slowly start to boil over and make a kettle go off. Yeah.
So don't be resentful. But like, remember, like, is this a me issue or is this
(22:38):
a them issue? And just communicate.
Communication, man. It's everything.
Next is how are we splitting up the holidays?
Days fight this is a big one this is
a big one this is a now now luckily i will
say this this is one thing i think we did right is that
we had this discussion before we got married before we
(22:58):
got married granted i think we already had it when we were engaged like even
before we were engaged i'll be like so we talked about this when we were dating
yeah it was it was definitely a dating conversation because i knew how important
the holidays were to my family and obviously especially especially Christmas
Eve especially to his family yeah and I mean anytime your family is all together I think,
(23:19):
moms really want their kids there no matter how
old they are you know it's a mom thing so we like
i guess i guess we'll experience it when we're older and
we have our kids to come over too
but it's like it's like a day you know yeah i i wish our families were more
okay with like hey let's celebrate thanksgiving the week before or like so that
(23:43):
everyone feels equal but sometimes Sometimes this isn't really plausible with
like work situations and time off,
but I'm fully on board with celebrating holidays.
Like who made up these days? It doesn't have to be.
They're all so close together. Yes. On Christmas. Thanksgiving.
Then it's the Christmas. Then it's New Year. Now it's like the holiday marathon.
(24:05):
It is. Now, with that being said, is we kind of fell into the habit naturally
of like kind of splitting up, you know, the holiday, like, you know,
New Year's for the most part.
You know we kind of always plan to be with with your
family and that's just how it works as as of as
of right now right these are things kind of worked out in our life
and then this the past two years we've done christmas at
(24:27):
our own home but also i've just
given birth last year so i wasn't going
anywhere and then this year we you
didn't have work off really for enough time to
go back and forth so we decided that also makes
a big like honestly like work is a
huge part of this conversation i
(24:48):
think yeah and one of the big things that we talked about i think
it's really helped us is that you know remember that you're starting your own
family now and while you're starting your own family you're you're like a link
on a chain of your you know family you know history there and so you're you're
starting this new little core family off of a greater family and you want to
(25:08):
be there for your family,
but also don't be afraid to use this opportunity to make your own traditions.
And that's something that was really important to us is that we kind of said,
hey, no matter where we're living or what's going on, like we kind of want Christmas day.
Or Christmas morning. Or Christmas morning to be about our family.
And that wasn't, that's not an easy conversation to have, obviously with your
(25:30):
parents. Some people didn't like that, but they accepted it. But they accepted it.
And I think it also gives you some place we were very much like,
hey, listen, we're gonna do Christmas Day at our house, everyone's invited,
whoever wants to come by is invited, but this is what we're gonna do,
and this is gonna be our new family tradition.
And so I think it's finding that cross of figuring out how to split the holidays
(25:51):
effectively in addition to, and or, establish your own traditions,
and then being very open to having your family here.
Like we would love to have all of our family here for Christmas Day,
be more than happy to host them all, but it's just, we wanna have also that time.
That we're not just traveling with a one-year-old in an airplane.
And I'm sure it will change as our jobs change and as our kid slash possibly kids get older.
(26:17):
But as of right now, just traveling in the holidays is such a nightmare. It's such a hustle.
One-year-old. Yeah. And I think, yeah, I think communication again is key on this one.
I mean, we've talked about this so much.
And I think we are okay with reevaluating it each year because,
you know, each year maybe you have a different job or a different scenario or
(26:38):
your family celebrating one holiday or, you know, one sibling can make it, but the other can't.
So now this holiday became more of a bigger deal because more family is going to be there.
It's always changing and evolving. But the biggest thing is,
again, communication and then just being really open with your partner on what
makes you comfortable or uncomfortable when it comes to celebrating the holidays.
(27:01):
Yeah. As far as, you know, hey, I really want to be home for that or I really
need to see my family for that. Or I really miss my family.
Right. And then here's the thing. Like, you're not limited to visit your family during the holidays.
Like, that's another big thing for us. It's so expensive to travel during the
holidays, too. Go stay longer during another time of the year.
Yeah. So if you can make the quality time worthwhile elsewhere,
(27:24):
I think that makes more sense.
Okay. Last on the list of the big six things the newlyweds fight about is the
you're not good with money conversation slash fight.
Money is tricky. This is a hard one. So hard to combine your finances and to
be responsible to somebody else for your spending.
(27:47):
That sounds very personal. That sounded like a Kalen thing. Probably.
I mean, well, I'm not working right now. I'm staying at home.
And so I feel extremely guilty spending money on myself ever.
I feel like I need permission, which I guess should be a conversation like,
(28:11):
hey, I want to buy this. Is that okay? Okay.
You know, there's that, there's, you know, very common, I think a tactic of
like, you know, when you, when a purchase is over a certain amount,
you had to get permission from your spouse, your spouse.
And we have a pretty low threshold. It's like, when anything, $25. Yeah.
Just the way things are right now, finances are tough, but you know,
(28:31):
the economy isn't great.
And we're really watching all of our, our pennies as they, and where they're going.
But this is a big one. And I think one of the big keys to this is,
cannot stress enough the importance of having some premarital counseling when you're engaged.
That's huge because it's going to open up a lot of this stuff and you're airing
out your dirty laundry in a way.
(28:53):
And you really realize your spending habits.
And to Caitlin's point, I think the difference is when you're married is now
your spending habits are under a magnifying glass by the other person because- A microscope.
Yes. You really have to be- Especially if you're on a budget and most people are right now.
(29:13):
And when you're married, you need to be talking about it and talk about where
our expenses went and how much money did we spend and how is Amazon this much
money in our bills this month again?
And we got into a habit with Amazon of.
It's such a dangerous thing. I mean, great service, amazing,
but- You're like, I need this for the house. I need this for the baby. I need this for this.
(29:34):
But it's $20 here, $10 here, $5 here, and it adds up. And so now what we do
is at the end of the week, we go through what are the Amazon needs of the week?
And then we sit down and we- Do we really- Do we really need this?
Or is it just a want? A want, yes.
Which, you know, half the time it might be a want.
And that's about establishing it. But sometimes we go through it and we're like,
(29:54):
I needed that. I needed this. I needed this. We needed this.
It's also 2024 and the economy is- Terrible. Terrible. So we are spending way
more money than we probably should.
But I mean, we've sat there and been like, it doesn't make any sense.
I think the point of all this is, is that your finances, when you're married,
need to be a conversation.
And your finances before you get married- Should be a conversation.
(30:15):
Should be a conversation.
And I think what was also really helpful for us was, which we were better at
before, but But you got a really awesome software thing where it compiles all
of our money, what's coming in and what's coming out.
And we can like tag everything and categorize everything and really see what
buckets our money is going to.
(30:36):
Right. And I think that's helpful just to have that conversation of where did
our money go this month or this week? Yeah.
Just evaluating where we are spending money
and creating a budget from that yeah so talk
about finances it's uncomfortable it's icky oh
i i hate it i hate it i don't know why it goes like a panic attack whenever
(30:57):
we're talking about the finances i feel so like judged i don't know and i think
i'm i think i'm really nice i think i'm always like well we we didn't we didn't
hit what we wanted to i guess i hate this week i guess i just feel like it's
my fault and i i don't think it is but it it It just feels like that way.
I don't know. Finances are not fun to talk about. Finances are not fun unless
you have like boatloads of money, which like who does?
(31:18):
So anyway. But the better, the more you talk about it, the better you'll get
at it and the easier it'll be because if you start doing it now while you're engaged or dating,
start at least airing the air a bit or clearing the air a bit about your finances,
then it'll be a lot easier because guess what? It doesn't go away when you're married.
It becomes even more complicated and harder to do.
So those are the top six arguments that
(31:39):
people uh fight about newlyweds so if you feel comfortable
with all that you're like we got it go get
married congratulations but i guarantee you there's probably at least one or
two of those things that you haven't talked about or thought about talking about
and you you probably should so thanks for joining us today if you like the show
you can comment below we like the comments you can subscribe click the bell
(32:02):
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Well, yes. Oh, sorry. On the socials. On the tickety-tock. The TikTok.
That's like your favorite thing to say.
Because I don't have it. Leave us a review wherever you're watching.
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If you like it, great. Drop us questions. Things you want to see us talk about.
If you don't like the show, great. Drop us questions. Things you want to see
(32:23):
us not talk about. We won't talk about them.
Other than that, I'm Justin. Kaylin. See you next time.
The first year of marriage can be a bit of a doozy. And you will fight,
even if you have never had a fight before.
So we're taking a look at some of the top fights that newlywed couples have
in their first year of marriage so you can avoid those pitfalls unlike us.
Thinking back on our first year of marriage, what words come to mind?
(00:22):
A lot happened. Non-stop. Non-stop.
Challenging. Challenging. Change.
Change. constant change okay i mean
we had a lot of fun lots of travel i
don't know i heard an absence of love i didn't
hear passion sorry or lots of
(00:43):
love no now you're just now you're just saying it to say it
you we had a lot going on
our first year of marriage it's an adjustment i would
say an adjustment big time adjustment i mean we
moved we got married we moved in
together we moved we got pregnant about by
moved you mean we had a cross-country move we had a cross-country move and then
(01:04):
two but a month after getting married yeah i think it was two months and then
we you know bought a house yep moved into a house got got breakers welcomed
a baby and then like it was was just a lot.
There was a lot. And no matter what your first year of marriage looks like,
you're probably going through a lot of changes.
(01:25):
As Caitlin said, one of the biggest adjustments for me was just the adjustment
of going from living by yourself with plenty of personal space to having no personal space.
So what we did today is we took a look, actually, we Googled online,
we looked at a bunch of different articles. At the top, the number one.
Biggest fights that newlywed couples have in their first year of marriage.
(01:45):
And we're going to kind of, you know, dig through them today and talk about
our experiences and see if we had some of these fights or what they might've looked like.
And what you can do to hopefully avoid these fights or at least know when you
come to this fight that you're prepared to kind of have like a playbook ready
in hand and hopefully you discuss some of these issues in advance.
Sounds good. Let's dive in. Okay. So the number one biggest fight the newlywed
(02:09):
couples have in their first year of marriage, And I was a little surprised by
this is the what happened to our sex life fight.
Now, we we didn't have a sex life before we got married.
So correct. Yeah. So, I mean, I think that's kind of an important disclaimer
here. Like we were never intimate with each other before we're married.
So like go good. Good for us. Good for Caitlin. She waited like 30 some years, but 30, 30, 30 years.
(02:33):
Exactly. So there is a therapist who was talking and he said that it's,
you know, it's not uncommon common that after a wedding the sexual
passion does die down for one or both partners
and they become unhappy with their sex
life and i was surprised by this because i feel like i
don't know my friends they're always just talking about like oh first year marriage
was just it was so great there was so much passion however i will say i was
(02:57):
also not surprised because i this this is a not a fight we had but definitely
a discussion i thought i brought this up a few times yeah so So when we were dating,
like we didn't have sex until we got married.
But, you know, you make out.
And I felt like we had a very like loving, passionate dating relationship.
(03:19):
I mean, there was a huge friendship too on top of that. But when we got married,
Justin gets very busy with work.
And when he gets busy with work or some other things going on in his life,
I feel like he forgets about this part a little bit.
Just a little bit, I don't know. I become very hyper-focused, I will admit that.
(03:42):
I was like, I've waited 30 years for this. I want it.
Yeah. And I think we were like, you know, we got pregnant. So I was like, better get it in.
I want it. I want it now because the time's not going to be forever that we
can have it now. Time is ticking.
It's so interesting that there are so many studies done on this.
(04:03):
And this is a very common thing that couples argue about or fight about.
And, you know, as you could tell from our opening here, we had an insane first
year of marriage between everything else going on, not to mention I was going
through just so much at work.
I was leading projects that were larger than I've ever led before in my life. And we're very busy.
And I was traveling a ton for work and setting up these global summits.
(04:25):
So, like, there was all that on top of everything that we were going through.
And this is something that definitely kind of fell by the wayside.
And I think unintentionally, and I'll be honest, I don't think I really even
noticed it until Caitlin brought it up one day.
But it was just like funny because it's like when you're dating
you like you like want to cuddle and like hang
out and then you know when you get married you
like put in your retainer and go to your side of the
(04:48):
bed it is very different you're like oh i guess
nothing's going on i guess it's nighttime so
i think it just comes down to communication and like i
think i mean we definitely talked about this in premarital of
like expectations like how often are you
expecting it like what like what
would be a realistic expectation for it
(05:10):
yeah kind of going back to what you said for a second there is such a thing
in dating where like you go over to someone's house to like watch a movie
and you're like okay we'll watch a movie and then possibly cuddle a bit and
maybe cuddle it'll turn into something else but when you're married feels like
it's weird but that changes because now it's like okay yeah we'll watch a movie
but also i'm gonna like work on this project real quick as we as we watch a
movie so it wasn't like all like the intentional intentional quality time,
(05:33):
the holding hands. And I guess it comes down to the fact that like,
you're always together now so it's not as like so you gotta kind of find those intentional.
Date nights because like when you're dating it's like well i'm busy tonight so
i'm not gonna see you because i have to work whereas like when you're married it's like
okay yeah i'll hang out with you because i love you and i still want to hang out with you but
also i'm gonna work while i hang out with you and i think it was finding that
(05:54):
separation between the two which which is
important not taking it too personally no i mean
i think the biggest thing about this is you know we we suffer from
this i'm sure if you're going through your first year of marriage like i'm
sure you suffer through it as well is that you
just got to communicate and like you know shout out
to kaylin because typically it's the guy in the relationship who
and this is just looking at the stats
(06:17):
it's typically the guy who's like hey like come on
baby let's go and and in this relationship in
our case it was it was her and you know
i think that i was just it was good on her for bringing this up
and i think it wasn't like i needed sex it
was just like wanting to feel desired you know
right so and her and and
(06:38):
it was like you having such a big need for that
that quality time yes quality time and you know our
quality time just shifted because we're around each other all the time so but
we communicated and i feel like we found a rhythm that works for us and literally
oh is that too much sure yeah whatever oh it's fine point is point is communicate communicate and speak,
(07:03):
speak your needs and then find a, find a middle ground.
And like, yeah, it'll all work out.
Next on the list is when are we having a baby fight?
And this honestly was more shocking than the first, just because I think if
you're getting married, you've had this conversation.
At least for me, I just didn't have this conversation.
(07:24):
I had an onslaught coming at me of before we
even got married that my eggs are dying
my clock is ticking it's almost over i'm
gonna be an old maid soon enough when you have a baby now okay hold on a second
the only reason i said all this was because you were like dragging your feet
i'm like are we like are we serious are we gonna get married one of these days
(07:47):
or are you just like talking about it and like a,
I didn't know, but he was like working behind the scenes and had a huge plan.
That's how I work behind the scenes, apparently.
Magician. So, yes. So I was kind of annoying and was like, OK,
are we are we like I need to break up with you if we're not getting married
because my eggs are, in fact, dying.
(08:08):
And I was going to be 30. It was literally an ultimatum. It was like,
if we don't get married soon, I'm going to break up with you because I need to have children now.
And you're not moving fast enough for my my speed. Yeah.
My taste. We've been together for like two years. Which some people date for
way longer than two years. Yes, but I'm in like this.
Kaylin was in a rush. No, I've just been around like when you know,
(08:32):
you know. It's like you won't be together anyway.
Maybe I was still thinking about it. He was still thinking about it.
Maybe I wasn't sure. He wasn't sure.
But I'm surprised by this. Well, I know people who have had this fight where
they have talked about it while they were dating.
And then one of the partners changes their mind.
You know and then they're like oh well i need to
be at this job or making this much money or
(08:55):
whatever standard they have in order to have
a kid i think for us you're never
going to be in a place where you feel financially or just
responsibly ready to have a child but at the same time if you want it you just
got to do it yeah but i think that's also something that we were we talked about
i think before i think the big the big thing here again is kind of a common
(09:18):
My theme is like making sure you're talking about this while you're dating because
we both know while we're dating. Why are you from date one?
Because Caitlin says, I want to be a mom and I want to have kids. But we know I waste time.
We knew we were dating that we both wanted to have kids. But I do think there's
something about the discussion of when and that's incredibly important.
And the discussion of like, what are the parameters, like what things have to
(09:38):
fall into place as you're mentioning before we have those kids?
And, you know, honestly, we totally changed our plan because when we were dating,
I think we had talked about waiting like a year.
Yeah, we talked about waiting at least a year, like a year. And that gives us some time to be married.
And then Justin, but we didn't really have like at this amount of money or like
(10:00):
once I get this promotion.
And I think and I think because we are both in the mindset of like you're married.
You're never going to be ready. Now, granted, that's also the mindset of,
you know, I was 32, 33 when we got married. 32.
And you were 30. So like we kind of had, I think we both were kind of in this
more mature mind space of like, you're just never gonna be ready for anything.
So you just kind of have to do it. But I think at the same time, you're right.
(10:23):
We went from wanting to wait at least a year to be married to suddenly trying
three months into marriage.
But that was because of external factors. I think I think you became more open
minded to it because, you know, sometimes it takes longer.
And for us, we were just extremely blessed and it happened really quickly.
But that's like not the norm of what we were experiencing in our circle. So correct.
(10:46):
A lot of our friends were were struggling at the time to get pregnant.
And so we were like, we just had a conversation where we're like,
what if this takes a while?
And then it's like, this could take a year. And then it was like,
well, let's just put it into God's hands and see what happens.
And then Lila was made. God said, no problem. I got this.
Don't you fret. But like, I mean, with your parents, like they had you and then
(11:09):
they waited seven or eight years before your brother was born. They didn't wait.
They were trying. I meant they were trying and the Lord did not answer that
prayer. Yeah, for about eight years.
Yeah. So, I mean, you just never know.
And we didn't know. So we went for it. Talk about it.
But talk about it. I mean, first, no, if you want to have kids,
but then second of all, talking about the timing of it.
(11:29):
I think that's important because I had a friend who this happened to and their
marriage didn't work out because...
Of of this disagreement and that's really
hard when of the parameters around when well i don't
think he was honest with her yeah and so it's like she
that was her number one desire and how like do you really truly love someone
(11:52):
if you squash their number one desire i feel like in that situation it's kind
of a you know a dangling carrot situation like when we get to this point or
we get this much money and then they move and then the goalposts got moving yeah so um yeah yeah,
be super honest and vulnerable with each other when it comes to this.
And if your desire changes, let your partner know.
And hopefully the Lord puts it on their heart that they're in the same boat
(12:17):
and their heart changes to what you want as well.
So I don't know. It's a tricky thing, but be honest.
Okay. Number three on the list of the top newlywed fights was we need to have
have better boundaries.
This one's funny. Really? Because this is something that honestly- This one makes a lot of sense.
(12:37):
It makes a lot of sense, but I don't think that I really anticipated how much
this was going to affect me personally. What do you mean?
I think the idea of joining your life with someone sounds great.
And we had the benefit, I think, of dating through COVID, which meant we had
a lot of quality time together. and we're spending days together working from home.
(12:59):
And so we kind of got to play house a bit more than most couples probably would.
Especially couples who don't live together.
Right, so I think that, but doing all that, I was like, this is gonna be fine.
And then we got married and I was like, she's everywhere.
She's everywhere, I go in this room and she's there. Or I go in this room and
she's like, hey, how are you?
It's kind of like a horror film. It's like every room you go into,
(13:22):
they're there. They're looking at you, they're staring at you.
I'm so sad. I'm not that way. We were also in like a one bedroom, small apartment.
That had like a loop that you can like, you can go into the,
to the bedroom and the bedroom connected to the bathroom and the bathroom connected
to the kitchen and the family area.
So I would be like, okay, I'm just going to go over here. And then I walk over
(13:42):
there and then, you know, then you're there.
And then we were also, we were both working from home in that apartment.
So it was like, he was working in the kitchen and I was working in the bedroom.
Room. And then I was like, I need to fix lunch.
Hi, I'm here. Be in the middle of a very big, important call.
And you know, I'll be real quiet while I make my food.
No, not at all. But I know, I think, I think this one makes a lot of sense.
(14:07):
And I think the big, the big question is, it's more than just about the personal
space. I think it's also how are you going to live your life together?
Like we have friends and we also have parents, I said a parents who are totally
different about how they've joined their lives.
And I think it's the idea of like, we're going to live, we're going to be married,
but kind of do our separate thing, or we're going to be married,
(14:30):
we're going to do everything together and be separate as necessary or as needed
for either personal space or for whatever reason it might be.
You know, my parents, like they do, they do everything together.
Like, I mean, it's very rare. For better or for worse.
For better or for worse. And I'm not saying either one of these is right or
wrong, but we had two very different
examples, whereas Kaylin's parents definitely separate a bit more.
(14:53):
They go on trips on their own at times. Sometimes, yeah. Stuff like that.
My dad worked and had a commute and traveled for work, so he was busy and gone a lot.
But then we'd all go on vacation and spend time together.
Right, of course you have that family time. But even our families vacation differently.
You can get into so many boundaries. Right. And like familial boundaries,
(15:16):
like boundaries you have with like your family on top of this.
Yeah, I think we also have friends who, you know, I'm always kind of surprised
about how much solo time they have.
Because we kind of have a very joined life, but we also choose that.
But we also know that we have the ability to be like, hey, I'm going to do this with my friends.
(15:36):
I'm going to do this with my friends. And like, it's totally cool.
But I am sometimes surprised with some of our married friends that it feels
like they are apart a lot more than one would expect, at least what we expected.
And there's nothing wrong or right about that, but I think it is a very important
conversation to have about how much time you expect to spend with one another.
(15:57):
All the time. Well, no, no, not all the time.
But I mean, that's a legit question. And so when you're dating and you're in
your dating stage of life and really have that deep conversation because I think
that one makes a lot of sense that people fight about.
And it's not an easy one-size-fits-all solution. It really depends upon you and your relationship.
(16:19):
Okay, the next one is the I'm sick of cleaning up after you fight.
This makes a lot of sense.
For you? Oh, this makes... A ton of scents.
I don't think I get mad at you for like, I don't feel like I'm cleaning up after
you. There's definitely because you're not.
Because you're clean. But there are some things that you do that I just don't let bother me.
(16:40):
You always leave your water cup from the morning in the sink upside down or
your bowl of whatever you ate in the morning before you go to work.
You always leave it in the sink and you never add water to it.
So it's like that. Try not to wake anyone up. That oatmeal bowl. I make
you a smoothie like there's a blender going off so like
those are things you've never told me so right now on this
(17:03):
podcast that bugs you okay problem solved put some water
in it it doesn't really bother me like I know that you like you do it but I'm
like it's not big enough for me to have a fight over if that makes sense I think
when I think of the I'm tired of cleaning up after your fight it's more about
the fact that you don't clean up after yourself and so then I I have to pick
up my game and I have to get it done for the family.
(17:26):
So you don't experience that. I wouldn't think you experience that.
I think that you experience like everything's clean. Even stuff that I didn't
put away is somehow magically put away.
Babe, I do like the dishes and clean up all the time. I clean up the house.
Are you doing the floors? Are you scrubbing the toilets?
(17:46):
No. I think one of the big fundamental things about this
one is I mean to be fair with Caitlin I don't think we really
fought about you're not cleaning up after yourself I think we
have very different ideas of what organization looks like though that is
a totally and so but it's it's like so like Caitlin will do that typical thing
we're like I'll come home out and put them and then I won't put them back and
(18:09):
then they're somewhere else so yes I guess and then with those scissors she
opened up the Amazon boxes and the Amazon Amazon boxes are just,
you know, stacked somewhere in the corner of the house.
Does every wife put the Amazon boxes in the garage for their husband to break
down and put in the trash can? Or is that just me?
Hold on. Your big thing is that I have moved the open Amazon box to on top of
(18:34):
the freezer in the garage. That way you can break them down.
Which we've never discussed. This is the only time she's ever said in my entire
life that I'm in charge of the trash. We've never discussed household chores
that we're responsible for, but we naturally kind of took...
Like ownership of certain yeah well i
(18:55):
think a lot of it had to do with what was like
my job at the time i was just i was
gone a lot of very busy a lot and kaylin's job
at the time was the best job ever gig that kaylin may have been working an hour
a day maybe and getting a full-time page we should have kept that job anyway
is that i think that shouldn't have moved you you had the the ability to really maintain the house.
(19:22):
Yes. Now, I will say there was a big shift in this when Lila was born.
And so Kaylin was a very good, not that she isn't now, but she was a very good
housekeeper and keeper of the home and making sure everything was cleaned and stuff like that.
And then when our daughter was born, and granted, now that's a full-time job.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying it's not.
But then I found in order to have my
(19:44):
sanity in the space that I needed
for a house to be functional and organized that i
had to pick up a lot more of those duties and we've
gotten better about it over the as our daughter's
gotten older but there was it was definitely a shift there for
a while it's just raising a child is like all consuming especially if you're
(20:05):
like breastfeeding and yeah it's a lot so i wasn't able to juggle as much right
yeah but But I think the biggest thing about this is just, I mean,
again, it's communication, communication.
Communication, but also just having grace for your partner, especially if you're
going through something, whether it's, you know, having a kid or a new job or,
(20:28):
you know, going through some health issues, just having grace and picking up
the slack of your partner.
And I mean, that's, that's what it's really about. You're, you're a team,
you're a couple, you got to be on the same team.
Sometimes you got to lift that other person up. I think one one of the best
things that I ever sort of had the mindset of was that just acknowledging that,
you know, at times I won't be able to do anything.
(20:49):
My 100% will not be what Kaylin's 100% is.
And Kaylin's 100% will not be what my 100% is. And what I mean by that is what
I'm capable of doing, Kaylin might not be able to do in a season of life.
And what Kaylin's capable of doing, I might not be able to measure up to.
And just accepting your partner for where they're at. Like they can only do
80% of their load right now. Then that's just where they're at.
They're at 80% of their load. And you got to do 120.
(21:10):
And you got to do 120. And that's what you do as a couple.
And so I think that's a huge part of what this is. And that goes a lot deeper,
obviously, than cleaning the house. But I can see where this can be an issue,
I guess, is what I'm saying.
For sure. Not only in your first year of marriage, especially if you never lived
together and you're not organized people.
Like, I mean, you know, Kaylin is. I'm not bad.
(21:31):
Kaylin is. I'm not bad. No, Kaylin is. I was about to compliment you.
Oh, thank you. Kaylin has truly gone through a transformation.
Oh, thank you. I like to say that I have saved Kaylin from her messy ways.
And she's become a much more neat, organized human. I mean, I remember her car
used to just be disgusting.
Like there was trash and all this stuff in there. And now you at least acknowledge
(21:51):
like, I need to clean the car. It's not good. I'm like, you know what?
Acknowledge you have a problem is like step number one. And so Kaylin is definitely there.
I think too, when you have a partner who's striving for excellence too,
they help encourage and bring you up to want to strive for excellence.
But I also want to touch on the point of grace.
And also like, sometimes you have to evaluate your, like, does the cup in the sink really bug me?
(22:15):
Okay. Then say something. But, Is this a me problem or is this like a them problem?
Because like, does it really take me that long to move the cup into the dishwasher? No.
As long as it's something that's not going to settle, you know,
slowly start to boil over and make a kettle go off. Yeah.
So don't be resentful. But like, remember, like, is this a me issue or is this
(22:38):
a them issue? And just communicate.
Communication, man. It's everything.
Next is how are we splitting up the holidays?
Days fight this is a big one this is
a big one this is a now now luckily i will
say this this is one thing i think we did right is that
we had this discussion before we got married before we
(22:58):
got married granted i think we already had it when we were engaged like even
before we were engaged i'll be like so we talked about this when we were dating
yeah it was it was definitely a dating conversation because i knew how important
the holidays were to my family and obviously especially especially Christmas
Eve especially to his family yeah and I mean anytime your family is all together I think,
(23:19):
moms really want their kids there no matter how
old they are you know it's a mom thing so we like
i guess i guess we'll experience it when we're older and
we have our kids to come over too
but it's like it's like a day you know yeah i i wish our families were more
okay with like hey let's celebrate thanksgiving the week before or like so that
(23:43):
everyone feels equal but sometimes Sometimes this isn't really plausible with
like work situations and time off,
but I'm fully on board with celebrating holidays.
Like who made up these days? It doesn't have to be.
They're all so close together. Yes. On Christmas. Thanksgiving.
Then it's the Christmas. Then it's New Year. Now it's like the holiday marathon.
(24:05):
It is. Now, with that being said, is we kind of fell into the habit naturally
of like kind of splitting up, you know, the holiday, like, you know,
New Year's for the most part.
You know we kind of always plan to be with with your
family and that's just how it works as as of as
of right now right these are things kind of worked out in our life
and then this the past two years we've done christmas at
(24:27):
our own home but also i've just
given birth last year so i wasn't going
anywhere and then this year we you
didn't have work off really for enough time to
go back and forth so we decided that also makes
a big like honestly like work is a
huge part of this conversation i
(24:48):
think yeah and one of the big things that we talked about i think
it's really helped us is that you know remember that you're starting your own
family now and while you're starting your own family you're you're like a link
on a chain of your you know family you know history there and so you're you're
starting this new little core family off of a greater family and you want to
(25:08):
be there for your family,
but also don't be afraid to use this opportunity to make your own traditions.
And that's something that was really important to us is that we kind of said,
hey, no matter where we're living or what's going on, like we kind of want Christmas day.
Or Christmas morning. Or Christmas morning to be about our family.
And that wasn't, that's not an easy conversation to have, obviously with your
(25:30):
parents. Some people didn't like that, but they accepted it. But they accepted it.
And I think it also gives you some place we were very much like,
hey, listen, we're gonna do Christmas Day at our house, everyone's invited,
whoever wants to come by is invited, but this is what we're gonna do,
and this is gonna be our new family tradition.
And so I think it's finding that cross of figuring out how to split the holidays
(25:51):
effectively in addition to, and or, establish your own traditions,
and then being very open to having your family here.
Like we would love to have all of our family here for Christmas Day,
be more than happy to host them all, but it's just, we wanna have also that time.
That we're not just traveling with a one-year-old in an airplane.
And I'm sure it will change as our jobs change and as our kid slash possibly kids get older.
(26:17):
But as of right now, just traveling in the holidays is such a nightmare. It's such a hustle.
One-year-old. Yeah. And I think, yeah, I think communication again is key on this one.
I mean, we've talked about this so much.
And I think we are okay with reevaluating it each year because,
you know, each year maybe you have a different job or a different scenario or
(26:38):
your family celebrating one holiday or, you know, one sibling can make it, but the other can't.
So now this holiday became more of a bigger deal because more family is going to be there.
It's always changing and evolving. But the biggest thing is,
again, communication and then just being really open with your partner on what
makes you comfortable or uncomfortable when it comes to celebrating the holidays.
(27:01):
Yeah. As far as, you know, hey, I really want to be home for that or I really
need to see my family for that. Or I really miss my family.
Right. And then here's the thing. Like, you're not limited to visit your family during the holidays.
Like, that's another big thing for us. It's so expensive to travel during the
holidays, too. Go stay longer during another time of the year.
Yeah. So if you can make the quality time worthwhile elsewhere,
(27:24):
I think that makes more sense.
Okay. Last on the list of the big six things the newlyweds fight about is the
you're not good with money conversation slash fight.
Money is tricky. This is a hard one. So hard to combine your finances and to
be responsible to somebody else for your spending.
(27:47):
That sounds very personal. That sounded like a Kalen thing. Probably.
I mean, well, I'm not working right now. I'm staying at home.
And so I feel extremely guilty spending money on myself ever.
I feel like I need permission, which I guess should be a conversation like,
(28:11):
hey, I want to buy this. Is that okay? Okay.
You know, there's that, there's, you know, very common, I think a tactic of
like, you know, when you, when a purchase is over a certain amount,
you had to get permission from your spouse, your spouse.
And we have a pretty low threshold. It's like, when anything, $25. Yeah.
Just the way things are right now, finances are tough, but you know,
(28:31):
the economy isn't great.
And we're really watching all of our, our pennies as they, and where they're going.
But this is a big one. And I think one of the big keys to this is,
cannot stress enough the importance of having some premarital counseling when you're engaged.
That's huge because it's going to open up a lot of this stuff and you're airing
out your dirty laundry in a way.
(28:53):
And you really realize your spending habits.
And to Caitlin's point, I think the difference is when you're married is now
your spending habits are under a magnifying glass by the other person because- A microscope.
Yes. You really have to be- Especially if you're on a budget and most people are right now.
(29:13):
And when you're married, you need to be talking about it and talk about where
our expenses went and how much money did we spend and how is Amazon this much
money in our bills this month again?
And we got into a habit with Amazon of.
It's such a dangerous thing. I mean, great service, amazing,
but- You're like, I need this for the house. I need this for the baby. I need this for this.
(29:34):
But it's $20 here, $10 here, $5 here, and it adds up. And so now what we do
is at the end of the week, we go through what are the Amazon needs of the week?
And then we sit down and we- Do we really- Do we really need this?
Or is it just a want? A want, yes.
Which, you know, half the time it might be a want.
And that's about establishing it. But sometimes we go through it and we're like,
(29:54):
I needed that. I needed this. I needed this. We needed this.
It's also 2024 and the economy is- Terrible. Terrible. So we are spending way
more money than we probably should.
But I mean, we've sat there and been like, it doesn't make any sense.
I think the point of all this is, is that your finances, when you're married,
need to be a conversation.
And your finances before you get married- Should be a conversation.
(30:15):
Should be a conversation.
And I think what was also really helpful for us was, which we were better at
before, but But you got a really awesome software thing where it compiles all
of our money, what's coming in and what's coming out.
And we can like tag everything and categorize everything and really see what
buckets our money is going to.
(30:36):
Right. And I think that's helpful just to have that conversation of where did
our money go this month or this week? Yeah.
Just evaluating where we are spending money
and creating a budget from that yeah so talk
about finances it's uncomfortable it's icky oh
i i hate it i hate it i don't know why it goes like a panic attack whenever
(30:57):
we're talking about the finances i feel so like judged i don't know and i think
i'm i think i'm really nice i think i'm always like well we we didn't we didn't
hit what we wanted to i guess i hate this week i guess i just feel like it's
my fault and i i don't think it is but it it It just feels like that way.
I don't know. Finances are not fun to talk about. Finances are not fun unless
you have like boatloads of money, which like who does?
(31:18):
So anyway. But the better, the more you talk about it, the better you'll get
at it and the easier it'll be because if you start doing it now while you're engaged or dating,
start at least airing the air a bit or clearing the air a bit about your finances,
then it'll be a lot easier because guess what? It doesn't go away when you're married.
It becomes even more complicated and harder to do.
So those are the top six arguments that
(31:39):
people uh fight about newlyweds so if you feel comfortable
with all that you're like we got it go get
married congratulations but i guarantee you there's probably at least one or
two of those things that you haven't talked about or thought about talking about
and you you probably should so thanks for joining us today if you like the show
you can comment below we like the comments you can subscribe click the bell
(32:02):
follow us on social on the... YouTube?
Well, yes. Oh, sorry. On the socials. On the tickety-tock. The TikTok.
That's like your favorite thing to say.
Because I don't have it. Leave us a review wherever you're watching.
We hope you like the show.
If you like it, great. Drop us questions. Things you want to see us talk about.
If you don't like the show, great. Drop us questions. Things you want to see
(32:23):
us not talk about. We won't talk about them.
Other than that, I'm Justin. Kaylin. See you next time.
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