EP 15: What is a Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style?

In this episode of Relational Lives, Ali and Ros explore the complexities of the fearful avoidant attachment style and how it affects our relationships, communication, and self-perception. If you've ever felt stuck in a push-pull dynamic, terrified of being hurt but also craving intimacy, this episode will help you make sense of what's going on.

We break down what causes this attachment style, what it looks like in practice, and how people can begin to heal. Whether you relate personally or are trying to understand a partner, parent, or friend with this pattern, this conversation is packed with insight and empathy. We explore how fearful avoidant attachment develops, how it shows up in adult relationships, and why people with this pattern often feel confused, ashamed, or stuck in love.

Show notes:

Episode: What is a Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style?

In this episode:

00:00 – Welcome & why this topic matters 00:42 – What is fearful avoidant attachment? 01:55 – Early childhood roots: inconsistent caregiving and trauma 04:10 – The internal push-pull dynamic: craving closeness, fearing harm 06:35 – How it plays out in adult romantic relationships 08:18 – Shame and identity struggles for fearful avoidants 10:12 – How fearful avoidant differs from anxious and avoidant styles 12:26 – Common patterns in dating and communication 14:43 – Signs you're in a fearful avoidant cycle 17:05 – Therapy, healing and the role of nervous system regulation 19:28 – How partners can support a fearful avoidant loved one 21:15 – Tips for recognising your triggers and building self-awareness 23:30 – Self-soothing and final thoughts

Resources mentioned:

📕 Attached by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller

📕 The Polyvagal Theory by Stephen Porges (for understanding nervous system regulation)

Previous episodes on:

Attachment Styles: https://www.podbean.com/ew/pb-xwpd3-186c726

Building Healthy Relationships: https://www.podbean.com/ew/pb-3suv8-188c4bd

Connect with us:

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/relational_lives Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/relationallives/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@relational_lives

Want to share your story or come on the show to discuss your dilemma? Write to us and we might cover it in a future episode. Drop us a message at [e-mail] or you can anonymously complete our form here: https://forms.office.com/e/qcrCkbhPiT. We’d also love to hear updates if you’ve written in before. 

Have a question or want to share your thoughts on attachment styles? Reach out at [e-mail]. Subscribe for more episodes on mental health, relationships, and self-understanding. If you found this episode helpful, please like this video or share it with a friend.  

Disclaimer: Please remember, this is not meant to be a replacement for personal therapy and is for information and self-reflection only. Please reach out to an appropriate professional in your area if you feel you need individualised help.  

Credits:  

Hosts: Alison Bickers and Ros Peckham at www.mytempo.co.uk

Music by: Stile Tree Audio Produced by: Synergy Podcast Studio