Ep 4: What Happens on the Journey of Releasing Shame

What happens on the journey of releasing shame?

This is the question I reflected on after my conversation with poet David Morrin.

For me, and I know for many others, releasing shame is at the heart of personal growth and spiritual awakening. It's one of those limiting beliefs that can keep us from truly loving and accepting ourselves. In many ways, releasing shame is the path to self-love.

In This Episode

We explore the complex terrain of shame, self-acceptance, and what it means to  embody healing. David opens up about his journey from harsh self-criticism to self-love, and how that transformation shows up differently in the mind versus the body.

We dive into:

• How spiritual awakening doesn't automatically translate to physical healing
• The difference between mental self-acceptance and embodied self-love
• David's experience with a diagnosed condition known as “"exercise-induced anaphylaxis” and what his body might be protecting
• The role of the "conniving inner voice" and how it adapts when shame shifts
• Why the journey from head to heart to body is often the most challenging part of growth
• How past addictions and patterns can persist even after emotional healing
• The power of poetry in processing deep personal transformation

Featured Poetry:

David performs "Double Bacon Cheeseburger," a raw exploration of addiction, shame, and the cycle of self-punishment and numbing.

I share "A Lineage of Masks," reflecting on inherited patterns and the courage to be seen.

Reflections

The conversation reveals that releasing shame isn't a one-time event—it's an ongoing journey that includes the body, not just the mind and spirit. David's story illuminates how we can find mental peace and self-acceptance while our bodies still hold onto protective legacy patterns.

About David Morin

David is a gifted poet and performer whose work explores themes of addiction, healing, and transformation. His new poetry book "Milkweed" uses the metaphor of monarch butterflies to examine how we can transform what's trying to poison us into protection and healing.

• Instagram: @mor.intune https://www.instagram.com/mor.intune/
• Milkweed: https://stan.store/Morintune/p/get-milkweed-now
• 1:1 Voice Reclamation Container: https://voiceguide.crd.co
• Speaking and performing: https://morintune.life

Connect with Maridelle

• Instagram: @maridelleleyva
• Intrinsicly: intrinsicly.com
• LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/maridelle-leyva-855358/

Episode Transcript

(00:08):
Shame is not a term most of us want to talk about, but I had to reflect on it after my conversation with poet David Morin, whose new book Milkweed is out now.
For me, and I know for many others, releasing shame is at the heart of personal growth.
I believe it is the path to self-love and self-acceptance.

(00:31):
In this episode, we dive deep into what it looks like to release shame, not just in our minds, but in our bodies too.
David shares raw and powerful poetry about his relationship with food and addiction and what he calls the conniving, inner her voice.
We explore that while David has released shame in his mind, it still lives in his body.

(00:56):
This presents as a rare condition David developed several years ago known as exercise induced anaphylaxis, which means he has a systemic allergic reaction to exercise.
This was a potent reminder that personal and spiritual growth needs to become embodied.

(01:16):
As I reflected on my own journey, I know I've done a lot of work to release shame, but my journey is definitely not over.
Shame still lives in my body, and it looks like the tension I feel weighing myself every morning.
The knot in my stomach when I notice my skin darkening in the sun.

(01:40):
And the tightness in my chest when I see people who seem to have it all together.
And these are hard, even shameful things to admit, but David reminded me that I am not alone in this.
The journey releasing shame looks different for each of us, but I believe that destination is the same embodiment of self-love and self-acceptance.

(02:09):
.29953945What happens on your journey of releasing shame? Thank you so much for being here, David. 17 00:02:20,642.29953945 --> 00:02:23,162.29953945 It's so amazing to see you. 18 00:02:23,732.29953945 --> 00:02:29,422.29953945 Um, I saw a post you shared about, being a highly sensitive person. 19 00:02:30,352.29953945 --> 00:02:30,382.29953945 Mm. 20 00:02:31,102.29953945 --> 00:02:38,662.29953945 And how, you can tend to, Um, kind of absorb other people's energies. 21 00:02:39,52.29953945 --> 00:02:39,562.29953945 Is that. 22 00:02:40,177.29953945 --> 00:02:40,837.29953945 Accurate. 23 00:02:41,197.29953945 --> 00:02:41,707.29953945 Absolutely. 24 00:02:42,727.29953945 --> 00:02:43,207.29953945 Yes. 25 00:02:43,507.29953945 --> 00:02:45,337.29953945 And as a space holder too. 26 00:02:45,337.29953945 --> 00:02:59,807.29953945 So what, I was wanting to do with you, if you're comfortable, is to do a grounding clearing and protection, practice, for your energy. 27 00:03:01,337.29953945 --> 00:03:03,317.29953945 How does that sound? That sounds amazing. 28 00:03:04,67.29953945 --> 00:03:04,577.29953945 Okay. 29 00:03:04,727.29953945 --> 00:03:05,57.29953945 Okay. 30 00:03:05,57.29953945 --> 00:03:14,477.29953945 I, I find this really helps me as well it's centering, but as I said, it's also super grounding and then it, it allows you to, to protect your energy. 31 00:03:14,477.29953945 --> 00:03:17,367.29953945 So, let's go ahead and get started. 32 00:03:18,387.29953945 --> 00:03:24,77.29953945 I invite you to make sure that your feet are flat on the floor. 33 00:03:24,947.29953945 --> 00:03:24,977.29953945 Okay. 34 00:03:25,577.29953945 --> 00:03:27,317.29953945 If you'd like, you can close your eyes. 35 00:03:27,937.29953945 --> 00:03:33,307.29953945 And the first thing we wanna do is just feel your feet on the ground. 36 00:03:35,737.29953945 --> 00:03:49,237.29953945 Know that this ground Mother Earth has, you feel a sense of rooting that sense and groundedness pushing your feet into the floor. 37 00:03:51,757.29953945 --> 00:03:56,467.29953945 And now just connect with your breath wherever it's at. 38 00:03:58,477.29953945 --> 00:03:59,677.29953945 Just notice it. 39 00:04:02,527.29953945 --> 00:04:09,877.29953945 And as you notice your breath, see if you can find your inner light. 40 00:04:12,487.29953945 --> 00:04:15,877.29953945 Sometimes that's at the heart space. 41 00:04:15,907.29953945 --> 00:04:21,667.29953945 For others, it's at your so plexes, sometimes it's at the gut. 42 00:04:25,582.29953945 --> 00:04:39,472.29953945 And if you feel like you know where your inner light is, go ahead and put your hand there and direct your breath to that light. 43 00:04:44,572.29953945 --> 00:04:51,892.29953945 And as you breathe into this light, imagine it brightening. 44 00:04:53,392.29953945 --> 00:05:01,282.29953945 You can feel it brightening, or maybe you see it or you just know It begins to brighten as you breathe into it. 45 00:05:04,402.29953945 --> 00:05:15,322.29953945 And as you breathe into it, and as it brightens, it also begins to expand, and your entire being gets filled with a light. 46 00:05:17,482.29953945 --> 00:05:20,992.29953945 And as your being gets filled with your inner light. 47 00:05:22,282.29953945 --> 00:05:27,292.29953945 It clears away any energies that are not authentically you. 48 00:05:29,842.29953945 --> 00:05:42,232.29953945 Any worries of other people, that you're not meant to hold any traUma or hurt from others that you're not meant to fix. 49 00:05:44,872.29953945 --> 00:05:50,692.29953945 Any energies that do not serve you begin to clear. 50 00:05:51,52.29953945 --> 00:06:03,112.29953945 As this light expands and as your inner light continues to expand, it creates a sphere around you. 51 00:06:07,792.29953945 --> 00:06:16,192.29953945 This light surrounds you and it protects you from any energies that do not serve you. 52 00:06:19,102.29953945 --> 00:06:58,972.29953945 It serves as a protection, but it also allows you to sh continue to share your light and gifts with the world while maintaining healthy, energetic boundaries, and continue to breathe into this light, your own inner light, the light that surrounds you, the light that you get to share with the world while protecting yourself, while holding your space base, while holding healthy, energetic boundaries. 53 00:07:03,682.29953945 --> 00:07:15,592.29953945 Take a few more intentional breaths here, inhaling through your nose, allowing your belly to expand, and a nice relaxing exhale. 54 00:07:17,287.29953945 --> 00:07:18,907.29953945 Let's just do that two more times. 55 00:07:18,907.29953945 --> 00:07:26,677.29953945 Inhaling the breath, expands your belly up into your heart, and a nice relaxing exhale. 56 00:07:29,77.29953945 --> 00:07:38,437.29953945 And one more time, and inhaling and a relaxing exhale. 57 00:07:40,357.29953945 --> 00:07:44,677.29953945 And when you're ready, you can open your eyes. 58 00:07:55,237.29953945 --> 00:07:55,657.29953945 Hmm. 59 00:07:57,32.29953945 --> 00:08:00,907.29953945 How do you feel? Very grounded. 60 00:08:01,477.29953945 --> 00:08:02,107.29953945 Thank you. 61 00:08:02,107.29953945 --> 00:08:02,527.29953945 Good. 62 00:08:03,427.29953945 --> 00:08:03,667.29953945 Thank you. 63 00:08:04,627.29953945 --> 00:08:05,77.29953945 That was wonderful. 64 00:08:05,512.29953945 --> 00:08:07,252.29953945 Oh, you're so welcome. 65 00:08:07,252.29953945 --> 00:08:09,532.29953945 I'm glad that you feel more grounded. 66 00:08:09,879.18616077 --> 00:08:10,449.18616077 Yeah. 67 00:08:10,449.18616077 --> 00:08:17,229.18616077 I've, I've done a similar one where I imagine, you know, a, a circle around me, but never generating that circle myself. 68 00:08:17,234.18616077 --> 00:08:18,684.18616077 That was a huge difference. 69 00:08:19,114.18616077 --> 00:08:19,404.18616077 Yeah. 70 00:08:19,554.18616077 --> 00:08:19,844.18616077 Yeah. 71 00:08:19,994.18616077 --> 00:08:20,724.18616077 That was huge. 72 00:08:21,194.18616077 --> 00:08:21,484.18616077 Yeah. 73 00:08:24,224.18616077 --> 00:08:24,939.18616077 Oh good. 74 00:08:24,939.18616077 --> 00:08:25,779.18616077 I'm so glad. 75 00:08:25,779.18616077 --> 00:08:26,859.18616077 You're so welcome. 76 00:08:26,979.18616077 --> 00:08:33,319.18616077 So I start every, episode with some kind of, kind of grounding either. 77 00:08:34,24.18616077 --> 00:08:48,204.18616077 Somatic regulation practice, or something that we just did a grounding practice, but also that energetic protection so that we can open this space, in a place of connecting with ourselves and being able to, to connect with each other. 78 00:08:49,154.18616077 --> 00:08:57,484.18616077 And I also include, what I call, uh, life imitating art. 79 00:08:57,744.18616077 --> 00:09:07,934.18616077 And I've recorded four episodes so far, and each one, I either chose, A, a movie character or a song. 80 00:09:07,994.18616077 --> 00:09:18,504.18616077 And the guest also, chose a song, So given that we met at a poetry retreat, in Morocco, I can't believe I get to say that sentence. 81 00:09:18,774.18616077 --> 00:09:23,844.18616077 It's always incredible when I say that's like, how is that a thing? Thank you. 82 00:09:23,849.18616077 --> 00:09:25,704.18616077 You, I agree words for allowing that. 83 00:09:25,764.18616077 --> 00:09:31,644.18616077 Um, I would love it if you would share a poem that you wrote. 84 00:09:32,174.18616077 --> 00:09:35,564.18616077 And I will share one as well. 85 00:09:35,564.18616077 --> 00:09:46,784.18616077 I know you are a gifted poet and, a really gifted performer, which I think being able to combine those things it's, it's rare. 86 00:09:46,784.18616077 --> 00:09:57,144.18616077 So I will, muddle through mine, 'cause I'm not quite the performer, but, it'll be a fun experience, especially to get to hear. 87 00:09:57,594.18616077 --> 00:10:05,304.18616077 You perform, which I haven't had an opportunity to do in, in a couple years, so I'm excited. 88 00:10:05,634.18616077 --> 00:10:06,984.18616077 Yeah, that sounds great. 89 00:10:06,984.18616077 --> 00:10:12,654.18616077 And that was such a great time, and I remember you sharing very powerful piece of your own, we're all performers in our own way. 90 00:10:13,324.18616077 --> 00:10:27,924.18616077 Um, you know, what's coming up for me is, as you say that, this is idea of comparison and not needing to be the kind of performer that somebody else is, and not having to create the way somebody else does. 91 00:10:27,924.18616077 --> 00:10:30,354.18616077 So thank you for that reminder. 92 00:10:30,534.18616077 --> 00:10:30,804.18616077 Yeah. 93 00:10:30,834.18616077 --> 00:10:35,544.18616077 Would you like to start or would you like me to start? Uh, that's, it's up to you. 94 00:10:35,544.18616077 --> 00:10:37,584.18616077 I guess I can start and then we'll finish off with you. 95 00:10:38,304.18616077 --> 00:10:38,814.18616077 Okay. 96 00:10:38,819.18616077 --> 00:10:39,119.18616077 Thank you. 97 00:10:39,119.18616077 --> 00:10:39,999.18616077 Because I'm nervous. 98 00:10:42,589.18616077 --> 00:10:42,879.18616077 Okay. 99 00:10:43,644.18616077 --> 00:10:48,744.18616077 Um, this is one of the earlier poems I wrote. 100 00:10:49,854.18616077 --> 00:10:53,754.18616077 Um, in some ways I'm in the same place, but in many ways I'm not. 101 00:10:54,444.18616077 --> 00:10:55,254.18616077 Um, mm-hmm. 102 00:10:55,734.18616077 --> 00:10:58,284.18616077 And we can dive into that later, but yeah. 103 00:10:58,314.18616077 --> 00:11:03,804.18616077 Uh, this is called Double Bacon cheeseburger. 104 00:11:07,284.18616077 --> 00:11:07,569.18616077 Let's go. 105 00:11:08,299.18616077 --> 00:11:08,659.18616077 Let's go. 106 00:11:10,494.18616077 --> 00:11:10,824.18616077 All right. 107 00:11:10,824.18616077 --> 00:11:11,274.18616077 Here we go. 108 00:11:14,4.18616077 --> 00:11:16,764.18616077 I can hear regret coming to my door. 109 00:11:19,374.18616077 --> 00:11:22,524.18616077 I grow tense as my eyes fall to the floor. 110 00:11:22,764.18616077 --> 00:11:27,834.18616077 I suddenly this craving hits me like a train. 111 00:11:29,304.18616077 --> 00:11:30,564.18616077 You don't need this. 112 00:11:30,624.18616077 --> 00:11:32,244.18616077 You're not even hungry. 113 00:11:32,244.18616077 --> 00:11:34,494.18616077 Shut the fuck up. 114 00:11:35,574.18616077 --> 00:11:37,464.18616077 Feelings don't get full. 115 00:11:39,684.18616077 --> 00:11:42,894.18616077 I barely put up a fight from grabbing the keys. 116 00:11:44,259.18616077 --> 00:11:47,679.18616077 I'm another car ride closer to coronary heart disease. 117 00:11:47,859.18616077 --> 00:11:54,639.18616077 I desperately wish I could just turn around, but my discipline is nowhere to be found. 118 00:11:56,259.18616077 --> 00:12:02,319.18616077 I pull up to the last open drive-through in town my healthy intentions that we're making a sound. 119 00:12:03,579.18616077 --> 00:12:05,529.18616077 Tomorrow I'll start. 120 00:12:05,799.18616077 --> 00:12:12,639.18616077 Hi, yeah, I'll take a nUmber three mediUm combo. 121 00:12:13,479.18616077 --> 00:12:20,739.18616077 No onions, no tomatoes, no pickles, coke with light ice. 122 00:12:22,929.18616077 --> 00:12:28,539.18616077 Will that be all my eyes? Scan the rest of the menu. 123 00:12:29,349.18616077 --> 00:12:31,899.18616077 More food coming to the rescue. 124 00:12:31,899.18616077 --> 00:12:38,79.18616077 What else can I order to fill this void? It's so hard to choose. 125 00:12:38,259.18616077 --> 00:12:39,789.18616077 I'm overjoyed. 126 00:12:41,514.18616077 --> 00:12:43,104.18616077 Ands about Sorella Sticks, please. 127 00:12:46,104.18616077 --> 00:12:49,764.18616077 I'm so ashamed to be seen with what I just bought. 128 00:12:51,474.18616077 --> 00:12:55,884.18616077 I decide to eat in the parking lot in a hidden spot under the moon. 129 00:12:56,334.18616077 --> 00:13:07,884.18616077 Once again, kidnapped in this Chevy gloom, I take a bite and taste immediate gratification. 130 00:13:09,804.18616077 --> 00:13:16,194.18616077 I chew on my loneliness and swallow my frustration, how delicious it is. 131 00:13:16,194.18616077 --> 00:13:28,314.18616077 Crying and isolation this moment provides a temporary notion of peace. 132 00:13:30,24.18616077 --> 00:13:32,244.18616077 I am once again swimming. 133 00:13:33,39.18616077 --> 00:13:36,99.18616077 In this ocean of grease. 134 00:13:37,749.18616077 --> 00:13:41,199.18616077 It's not long until regret knocks on my door. 135 00:13:42,969.18616077 --> 00:13:46,539.18616077 It's no wonder my head stares at the floor. 136 00:13:47,364.18616077 --> 00:13:53,589.18616077 I I stare into the void. 137 00:13:55,689.18616077 --> 00:13:59,679.18616077 Into the what could be into the what isn't. 138 00:13:59,679.18616077 --> 00:14:15,159.18616077 Into the what was into the, why am I here again, I stare into what I wish to become, into everything I haven't done into the inherited battles. 139 00:14:15,159.18616077 --> 00:14:17,259.18616077 I still haven't won. 140 00:14:18,729.18616077 --> 00:14:26,439.18616077 I stare into the denial of being my father's son, and then I run. 141 00:14:27,444.18616077 --> 00:14:31,884.18616077 To the bong, to the whiskey, to the sex, to the debt. 142 00:14:33,414.18616077 --> 00:14:36,774.18616077 I run to any poison for temporary healing. 143 00:14:37,104.18616077 --> 00:14:43,44.18616077 I run until nUmb is my last remaining feeling. 144 00:14:46,44.18616077 --> 00:14:46,524.18616077 Thank you. 145 00:14:49,739.18616077 --> 00:14:51,639.18616077 Ooh, wow. 146 00:14:52,914.18616077 --> 00:14:58,884.18616077 I just have found myself holding into my heart, Um, as I hear that. 147 00:14:58,914.18616077 --> 00:15:05,484.18616077 'cause it's, I, it's, I guess unsurprisingly, reminiscent. 148 00:15:05,654.18616077 --> 00:15:11,684.18616077 Um, regret and self criticism, shame with. 149 00:15:12,434.18616077 --> 00:15:17,444.18616077 With no, with no grace, you know, it's, wow. 150 00:15:17,924.18616077 --> 00:15:20,924.18616077 Um, wow. 151 00:15:20,949.18616077 --> 00:15:21,419.18616077 Thank you. 152 00:15:21,849.18616077 --> 00:15:22,979.18616077 Holy moly. 153 00:15:23,789.18616077 --> 00:15:24,859.18616077 Thank you for yeah. 154 00:15:25,319.18616077 --> 00:15:26,739.18616077 For witnessing that listening. 155 00:15:27,44.18616077 --> 00:15:28,214.18616077 Um, yeah. 156 00:15:29,284.18616077 --> 00:15:33,64.18616077 I really wanna dive in 'cause there's, there's so much there. 157 00:15:33,154.18616077 --> 00:15:39,484.18616077 Um, and I, I feel like I, I wanna share my poem because there is Yeah. 158 00:15:39,634.18616077 --> 00:15:58,434.18616077 Um, some aspects that actually feel, uh, that mirror, Um, in, in a very, it sounds like complete 180, but the message, Um, and kind of those deep shadows, if I could call them not mm-hmm. 159 00:15:59,184.18616077 --> 00:16:01,164.18616077 Are, are similar. 160 00:16:01,434.18616077 --> 00:16:03,359.18616077 So, Um, I would love to hear it. 161 00:16:04,194.18616077 --> 00:16:04,854.18616077 Yeah. 162 00:16:05,184.18616077 --> 00:16:06,714.18616077 I guess I should have practiced. 163 00:16:08,419.18616077 --> 00:16:08,999.18616077 That's it. 164 00:16:09,459.18616077 --> 00:16:10,824.18616077 But that's okay. 165 00:16:10,884.18616077 --> 00:16:11,964.18616077 We'll go. 166 00:16:11,964.18616077 --> 00:16:16,404.18616077 This is, Um, I haven't pulled this up in, in a little while. 167 00:16:16,524.18616077 --> 00:16:16,614.18616077 Mm-hmm. 168 00:16:16,854.18616077 --> 00:16:19,524.18616077 Um, yeah. 169 00:16:20,69.18616077 --> 00:16:20,359.18616077 Okay. 170 00:16:20,934.18616077 --> 00:16:22,284.18616077 I will go ahead and start. 171 00:16:23,574.18616077 --> 00:16:27,84.18616077 Uh, this is called a lineage of masks. 172 00:16:29,724.18616077 --> 00:16:37,314.18616077 I come from a lineage of women who wear masks placing one on my face, a young mother's first task. 173 00:16:38,334.18616077 --> 00:16:39,954.18616077 Our ancestors prayed. 174 00:16:40,74.1861608 --> 00:16:42,684.1861608 May it protect, keep me safe. 175 00:16:42,954.1861608 --> 00:16:47,94.1861608 Silence my cries, shield my pure face. 176 00:16:48,864.1861608 --> 00:16:52,44.1861608 The first of many masks were my mother's Cuffed hands. 177 00:16:52,404.1861608 --> 00:16:55,44.1861608 Instructed me to follow those in command. 178 00:16:55,494.1861608 --> 00:16:59,394.1861608 Mimic the powerful unvended knee for they dictate your fate. 179 00:17:00,84.1861608 --> 00:17:01,164.1861608 They hold the key. 180 00:17:02,169.1861608 --> 00:17:05,49.1861608 So I dawned countless masks, just like my mother. 181 00:17:05,829.1861608 --> 00:17:17,769.1861608 Inheritor, silence, dim, light, disempowered more comfortable in masks than bearing one's soul shouldering a heritage of violence untold. 182 00:17:19,59.1861608 --> 00:17:29,799.1861608 For years, I clung to this deceptive guy's pretty little armor, guarding what's inside, defended from the world, concealing life's pain. 183 00:17:30,579.1861608 --> 00:17:36,879.1861608 A master performer, a life lived in vain, but in time. 184 00:17:36,879.1861608 --> 00:17:42,399.1861608 The masks took a life of their own shrouding, my face strangling my throat. 185 00:17:43,119.1861608 --> 00:17:46,929.1861608 As I sensed the coming of life's final breath came a plea for freedom. 186 00:17:47,79.1861608 --> 00:17:48,939.1861608 My soul refused death. 187 00:17:50,649.1861608 --> 00:17:53,889.1861608 SUmmoning the courage on the edge of despair. 188 00:17:54,399.1861608 --> 00:17:57,939.1861608 I stripped off a mask, not my cross to bear. 189 00:17:58,749.1861608 --> 00:18:02,679.1861608 With each unveiling, my light shone bright, a soul set free. 190 00:18:02,799.1861608 --> 00:18:08,139.1861608 I rose to new heights, but freedom was a, was fragile. 191 00:18:08,349.1861608 --> 00:18:09,849.1861608 Just a delicate flame. 192 00:18:11,49.1861608 --> 00:18:12,909.1861608 Old voices resurfaced. 193 00:18:13,149.1861608 --> 00:18:16,419.1861608 Calling my name, layers of darkness. 194 00:18:16,419.1861608 --> 00:18:19,449.1861608 I could no longer escape each shadow. 195 00:18:19,449.1861608 --> 00:18:22,269.1861608 A truth revealing a grace. 196 00:18:23,649.1861608 --> 00:18:26,739.1861608 The journey within was unmapped, but true. 197 00:18:27,849.1861608 --> 00:18:38,499.1861608 Each step revealing The me I once knew in shedding, disguise the truth, unsealed my unasked self is whole. 198 00:18:38,799.1861608 --> 00:18:47,739.1861608 Nothing to heal, hand in hand with my mother and her mother Before, mm-hmm I released the disguises. 199 00:18:47,799.1861608 --> 00:18:52,569.1861608 I had learned to adore, face to the light. 200 00:18:52,629.1861608 --> 00:18:54,309.1861608 No shadows to flee. 201 00:18:55,719.1861608 --> 00:18:57,69.1861608 A legacy reborn. 202 00:18:57,894.1861608 --> 00:18:59,694.1861608 I am ready to be seen. 203 00:19:04,104.1861608 --> 00:19:05,514.1861608 Wow. 204 00:19:06,324.1861608 --> 00:19:07,794.1861608 That felt vulnerable. 205 00:19:08,634.1861608 --> 00:19:09,384.1861608 Oh my God. 206 00:19:09,384.1861608 --> 00:19:09,834.1861608 Wow. 207 00:19:09,834.1861608 --> 00:19:10,404.1861608 That's powerful. 208 00:19:11,814.1861608 --> 00:19:14,304.1861608 And that was like a whole journey you just took me on. 209 00:19:15,864.1861608 --> 00:19:16,314.1861608 Thank you. 210 00:19:17,64.1861608 --> 00:19:18,84.1861608 Wow. 211 00:19:18,174.1861608 --> 00:19:31,224.1861608 The last bit is a practice, you know, I'm not always there, Um, but it's, it's what I am becoming or aspire to be. 212 00:19:31,824.1861608 --> 00:19:35,184.1861608 And it's, as we know, all a practice. 213 00:19:37,44.1861608 --> 00:19:37,464.1861608 Yeah. 214 00:19:37,464.1861608 --> 00:19:42,144.1861608 And it was just so visceral hearing you say, I'm taking my mom's hand and the, the hand of her mom's. 215 00:19:42,744.1861608 --> 00:19:42,834.1861608 Mm-hmm. 216 00:19:43,74.1861608 --> 00:19:43,974.1861608 That's really what it is. 217 00:19:43,974.1861608 --> 00:19:45,204.1861608 It's like you're bringing everyone with you. 218 00:19:45,204.1861608 --> 00:19:47,964.1861608 Sometimes we get so lost in our head thinking we're doing this for ourselves. 219 00:19:48,739.1861608 --> 00:19:49,29.1861608 Yeah. 220 00:19:49,34.1861608 --> 00:19:50,214.1861608 Yeah, yeah. 221 00:19:50,214.1861608 --> 00:19:51,469.1861608 It goes way beyond that. 222 00:19:51,729.1861608 --> 00:19:54,414.1861608 And that's not the one you shared in Morocco, is it? It's different. 223 00:19:54,414.1861608 --> 00:19:55,854.1861608 No, no, it's not. 224 00:19:55,909.1861608 --> 00:19:57,894.1861608 I feel like this is the bookend to that one. 225 00:19:58,254.1861608 --> 00:19:59,904.1861608 This is, yeah. 226 00:19:59,904.1861608 --> 00:20:07,374.1861608 It probably, in the poem I shared in Morocco, I Is is in there. 227 00:20:07,659.1861608 --> 00:20:07,949.1861608 Yeah. 228 00:20:08,399.1861608 --> 00:20:14,64.1861608 There is one of the reasons I learned to put on the masks or disguises. 229 00:20:14,64.1861608 --> 00:20:14,634.1861608 I did. 230 00:20:14,724.1861608 --> 00:20:16,404.1861608 Mm whew. 231 00:20:16,524.1861608 --> 00:20:18,354.1861608 Thank you for allowing to share that. 232 00:20:18,354.1861608 --> 00:20:18,804.1861608 Woo. 233 00:20:19,914.1861608 --> 00:20:25,104.1861608 How do you feel? I feel, I feel revealed, uh, uncomfortable. 234 00:20:25,104.1861608 --> 00:20:39,714.1861608 But, Um, it is, you know, that, that, Um, the idea of being ready to be seen, Um, you just have to do the things I know I have to do the things to be seen. 235 00:20:39,714.1861608 --> 00:20:43,484.1861608 And doing that, sharing that poem is one. 236 00:20:43,874.1861608 --> 00:20:45,524.1861608 One action to take. 237 00:20:45,974.1861608 --> 00:20:46,64.1861608 Mm-hmm. 238 00:20:46,484.1861608 --> 00:20:49,334.1861608 So, but enough about me. 239 00:20:50,24.1861608 --> 00:21:05,654.1861608 I wanna go back to you said, Um, you wrote that poem a while ago, and it's both where you've been, where you are and kind of beyond, if, if I heard that correctly. 240 00:21:05,654.1861608 --> 00:21:05,894.1861608 Yeah. 241 00:21:05,979.1861608 --> 00:21:06,379.1861608 Mm-hmm. 242 00:21:07,199.1861608 --> 00:21:10,214.1861608 Can you share more about that? Yeah. 243 00:21:10,304.1861608 --> 00:21:17,744.1861608 So obviously you, you caught onto it right after, but there's a tremendous amount of shame and self-criticism in this poem. 244 00:21:18,194.1861608 --> 00:21:23,234.1861608 And like really a conniving inner voice that's just awful. 245 00:21:24,794.1861608 --> 00:21:25,934.1861608 Very authoritative. 246 00:21:25,994.1861608 --> 00:21:27,974.1861608 Authoritative, very mean. 247 00:21:28,604.1861608 --> 00:21:31,184.1861608 And that was my inner voice for a very long time. 248 00:21:31,784.1861608 --> 00:21:40,214.1861608 And, Um, so while this habit is something that I'm still, uh, working through. 249 00:21:41,384.1861608 --> 00:21:42,944.1861608 The shame is gone. 250 00:21:43,724.1861608 --> 00:21:43,814.1861608 Hmm. 251 00:21:44,204.1861608 --> 00:21:46,814.1861608 And so it's, it's been freeing in a lot of ways. 252 00:21:46,814.1861608 --> 00:21:49,664.1861608 It's kind of why I'm in the same place, because the shame is gone. 253 00:21:49,754.1861608 --> 00:21:53,369.1861608 So I was like, Hey, we're fine just here, you know? Mm-hmm. 254 00:21:54,29.1861608 --> 00:22:05,984.1861608 You know what I mean? And so I am, I feel like I stepped into the opposite place of grace and like fully accepting myself today as I am, and loving myself as I am. 255 00:22:05,984.1861608 --> 00:22:14,984.1861608 And even finding a partner who loves me and likes me as I, I guess we're not in the love part yet, but who, who accepts me as I am. 256 00:22:14,984.1861608 --> 00:22:21,794.1861608 I don't wanna speak too soon, but, Um, but I'm now at a place where it's like, okay, that's great. 257 00:22:21,794.1861608 --> 00:22:22,784.1861608 I can accept myself. 258 00:22:22,784.1861608 --> 00:22:30,194.1861608 I kinda love myself as I am, but that doesn't mean I can't still strive for more and strive to improve, live healthier. 259 00:22:30,734.1861608 --> 00:22:32,24.1861608 And so, Um. 260 00:22:33,239.1861608 --> 00:22:47,879.1861608 I've, I'm at a kind of position now where it's like I have to take my health by the horns because I've, I've even developed a condition, I don't know if I'm assUming it's related kind of spiritually to this, but I'm allergic to exercise now. 261 00:22:49,49.1861608 --> 00:22:56,849.1861608 Like when my heart rate goes past a certain threshold, I break out into hives, my body breaks. 262 00:22:56,849.1861608 --> 00:22:58,439.1861608 I have to carry an EpiPen with me. 263 00:22:58,439.1861608 --> 00:23:14,639.1861608 I went for a hike a while ago, like little first five minutes, I started breaking out like crazy and like my skin was swelling up my throat and I had an allergy attack and it's been happening for like five years now, and I've been so content with it being a part of my life. 264 00:23:14,639.1861608 --> 00:23:21,149.1861608 But now that I, I have this desire to like, no, I, like, I want to go consistently to the gym and cultivate and like mm-hmm. 265 00:23:21,744.1861608 --> 00:23:24,209.1861608 Like have, build a different relationship with my body. 266 00:23:24,209.1861608 --> 00:23:25,619.1861608 It's like my past is like. 267 00:23:26,504.1861608 --> 00:23:28,724.1861608 We're still here, bud, and we're allergic to this ship still. 268 00:23:29,69.1861608 --> 00:23:29,269.1861608 Mm-hmm. 269 00:23:29,294.1861608 --> 00:23:30,344.1861608 And you gotta figure this out. 270 00:23:32,564.1861608 --> 00:23:32,774.1861608 Wow. 271 00:23:32,774.1861608 --> 00:23:41,624.1861608 And, and so I think the ultimate invitation for me is like, hey, the gym, while it's helpful, that's another way of force and punishment. 272 00:23:42,194.1861608 --> 00:23:42,284.1861608 Mm-hmm. 273 00:23:42,284.1861608 --> 00:23:44,234.1861608 Like this has to be done through the kitchen. 274 00:23:44,234.1861608 --> 00:23:46,784.1861608 It's gotta be done through what you nourish yourself with. 275 00:23:46,784.1861608 --> 00:23:46,874.1861608 Mm-hmm. 276 00:23:49,19.1861608 --> 00:23:53,339.1861608 Like, that's just a task that I don't want to like, take on head first. 277 00:23:53,894.1861608 --> 00:23:54,334.1861608 I want, yeah. 278 00:23:54,359.1861608 --> 00:23:55,709.1861608 I still want the shortcut. 279 00:23:55,739.1861608 --> 00:23:57,694.1861608 I still want the shortcut, you know? And yeah. 280 00:23:57,794.1861608 --> 00:24:03,59.1861608 And this piece is also about other addictions I've had, which I've come a long way with, you know, drinking. 281 00:24:03,59.1861608 --> 00:24:05,699.1861608 I was heavy alcoholic for many years. 282 00:24:05,999.1861608 --> 00:24:11,789.1861608 Um, I was addicted to porn for many, many years as well, and even sex. 283 00:24:12,149.1861608 --> 00:24:15,449.1861608 And so it's like I've kind of knocked off all these other things that were holding me back. 284 00:24:15,449.1861608 --> 00:24:17,639.1861608 And now the last one is food. 285 00:24:18,239.1861608 --> 00:24:18,269.1861608 Mm. 286 00:24:18,299.1861608 --> 00:24:20,159.1861608 And I'm like kicking and screaming. 287 00:24:22,349.1861608 --> 00:24:22,469.1861608 Yeah. 288 00:24:22,469.1861608 --> 00:24:23,39.1861608 Wow. 289 00:24:24,119.1861608 --> 00:24:25,199.1861608 Wow. 290 00:24:25,259.1861608 --> 00:24:26,129.1861608 Oh my gosh. 291 00:24:26,179.1861608 --> 00:24:27,589.1861608 Thank you for sharing that. 292 00:24:27,649.1861608 --> 00:24:28,159.1861608 Wow. 293 00:24:29,419.1861608 --> 00:24:34,279.1861608 I wanna go back to earlier you, you used a word that was. 294 00:24:35,404.1861608 --> 00:24:44,674.1861608 I, I don't know if I'd, I've quite heard it in the context of the way we criticize ourselves, the voice we use, criticize ourselves. 295 00:24:44,704.1861608 --> 00:24:47,104.1861608 And you use the term conniving. 296 00:24:47,104.1861608 --> 00:24:47,704.1861608 Mm-hmm. 297 00:24:47,949.1861608 --> 00:24:52,594.1861608 Which is a, feels very specific. 298 00:24:52,894.1861608 --> 00:25:11,134.1861608 Um, is, is that I, I'd love to kind of understand more, when you use the word conniving, is that a term you've used in the past about this inner voice or is because it's, I mean, that's, to me it's a word around manipulation, control, yeah. 299 00:25:11,134.1861608 --> 00:25:11,144.1861608 Mm-hmm. 300 00:25:11,144.1861608 --> 00:25:19,834.1861608 And, Um, even more than authority, it's, it's, it feels like it goes even beyond that. 301 00:25:19,834.1861608 --> 00:25:22,924.1861608 I'd love to understand more about that. 302 00:25:23,434.1861608 --> 00:25:28,894.1861608 I actually used that word for the first time this morning when I was like writing up my landing page for a business offering. 303 00:25:28,894.1861608 --> 00:25:31,264.1861608 I was like, yeah, that inner voice can just conniving as hell. 304 00:25:31,654.1861608 --> 00:25:32,389.1861608 And so, wow. 305 00:25:33,34.1861608 --> 00:25:42,574.1861608 Uh, it was fresh in my mind to use it in this case, but yeah, it's very, it's, it has a malicious undertone, Um, and impurity behind it. 306 00:25:42,574.1861608 --> 00:25:48,754.1861608 I think self-criticism can still be described as like biased and or unbiased in some ways. 307 00:25:48,784.1861608 --> 00:25:51,154.1861608 'cause it's just that self-critic voice. 308 00:25:51,424.1861608 --> 00:25:54,874.1861608 But when use conniving, there certainly is a heavier energy to it. 309 00:25:55,324.1861608 --> 00:26:01,54.1861608 And it's like, I feel like the conniving voice knows that I want permission mm-hmm. 310 00:26:01,474.1861608 --> 00:26:04,924.1861608 To do, to like avoid what I want to do. 311 00:26:04,924.1861608 --> 00:26:06,514.1861608 And so it uses that against me. 312 00:26:06,514.1861608 --> 00:26:08,644.1861608 It's like the gas lighter in me. 313 00:26:08,649.1861608 --> 00:26:08,699.1861608 Mm-hmm. 314 00:26:08,799.1861608 --> 00:26:09,219.1861608 Mm-hmm. 315 00:26:09,359.1861608 --> 00:26:09,779.1861608 Mm-hmm. 316 00:26:10,24.1861608 --> 00:26:11,494.1861608 In some ways it's also the protector. 317 00:26:11,494.1861608 --> 00:26:16,174.1861608 It's like, no, this is exactly what you want and I'm just making it sound easier for you to accept. 318 00:26:17,824.1861608 --> 00:26:17,884.1861608 Yeah. 319 00:26:17,884.1861608 --> 00:26:21,454.1861608 You know, and so it's, it's like disempowering in some ways. 320 00:26:21,994.1861608 --> 00:26:24,154.1861608 It's disempowerment through the lens of empowerment. 321 00:26:25,264.1861608 --> 00:26:26,284.1861608 Yeah. 322 00:26:26,289.1861608 --> 00:26:26,519.1861608 Mm-hmm. 323 00:26:27,669.1861608 --> 00:26:33,514.1861608 It's, Um, when I think about that word, There's a complete loss of agency and sovereignty. 324 00:26:33,514.1861608 --> 00:26:33,544.1861608 Mm. 325 00:26:34,204.1861608 --> 00:26:38,914.1861608 Um, yeah, actually, yeah. 326 00:26:38,914.1861608 --> 00:26:41,44.1861608 There's like a loss of agency, like you said. 327 00:26:41,644.1861608 --> 00:26:42,34.1861608 Mm-hmm. 328 00:26:42,274.1861608 --> 00:26:43,564.1861608 A prisoner to myself. 329 00:26:44,704.1861608 --> 00:26:44,794.1861608 Yeah. 330 00:26:45,304.1861608 --> 00:26:56,524.1861608 Well, is it to yourself, right? What, who are you a prisoner of? You know, where does this conniving voice come from? I wonder. 331 00:26:56,614.1861608 --> 00:27:19,234.1861608 Um, because, you know, when you are born in, into some, like, let's just say born somewhat pure, like we're all born with like all these maybe generational traUmas, but there's that conniving voice, especially as, as I hear it in the poem you just shared, Um. 332 00:27:22,969.1861608 --> 00:27:26,659.1861608 Has a lot of intelligence behind it. 333 00:27:26,749.1861608 --> 00:27:26,899.1861608 Mm-hmm. 334 00:27:27,139.1861608 --> 00:27:37,279.1861608 I mean, this is a freaking smart voice who's learned how to be conniving, who's knows how to control and manipulate in some way. 335 00:27:38,239.1861608 --> 00:27:48,719.1861608 Um, I, and I wanna pause, Um, these are kind of some intense reflections or questions I'm asking you if it gets, mm-hmm. 336 00:27:49,794.1861608 --> 00:27:50,274.1861608 Too much. 337 00:27:50,274.1861608 --> 00:27:53,784.1861608 Please, uh, just, just let me know. 338 00:27:53,784.1861608 --> 00:27:57,504.1861608 There's just, I'm feeling so much coming up right now. 339 00:27:58,134.1861608 --> 00:28:05,214.1861608 I'm feeling your energy at the same time too, so I just wanna be cognizant of, Um, no, I'm fine. 340 00:28:05,214.1861608 --> 00:28:08,814.1861608 I know that's, that's kind of your gift is channeling, so I would love to hear more. 341 00:28:08,814.1861608 --> 00:28:11,634.1861608 Maybe you see truths that I'm not willing to see. 342 00:28:11,784.1861608 --> 00:28:11,814.1861608 Mm. 343 00:28:13,164.1861608 --> 00:28:14,779.1861608 So I'm all, I'm all ears, please. 344 00:28:14,779.1861608 --> 00:28:15,59.1861608 Yeah. 345 00:28:15,229.1861608 --> 00:28:15,579.1861608 Share. 346 00:28:15,889.1861608 --> 00:28:16,179.1861608 Yeah. 347 00:28:16,179.1861608 --> 00:28:16,339.1861608 Yeah. 348 00:28:16,339.1861608 --> 00:28:26,214.1861608 I, I think, I think bring it, again, going back to this conniving there, like finding where, 'cause that voice has become embodied in some way. 349 00:28:27,174.1861608 --> 00:28:40,44.1861608 Um, when I say that, I think about, you know, you talked about, Um, uh, being allergic to exercise. 350 00:28:40,194.1861608 --> 00:28:40,644.1861608 Um. 351 00:28:42,339.1861608 --> 00:28:45,129.1861608 Your heart rate goes up, you begin to swell. 352 00:28:45,129.1861608 --> 00:28:50,919.1861608 You have, you know, this systemic reaction, your system reacts to it. 353 00:28:51,759.1861608 --> 00:28:52,899.1861608 Um mm-hmm. 354 00:28:53,499.1861608 --> 00:28:58,659.1861608 And so this conniving voice is more than a voice. 355 00:28:58,659.1861608 --> 00:29:05,769.1861608 It's learned how to have your body react in some way. 356 00:29:05,949.1861608 --> 00:29:07,449.1861608 It'ss become embodied. 357 00:29:09,459.1861608 --> 00:29:10,419.1861608 It's like a cancer. 358 00:29:11,409.1861608 --> 00:29:11,709.1861608 Mm-hmm. 359 00:29:12,609.1861608 --> 00:29:14,739.1861608 That just took, it's like, Hey, this ain't just your thoughts anymore. 360 00:29:14,739.1861608 --> 00:29:16,329.1861608 We have your body now too. 361 00:29:16,329.1861608 --> 00:29:16,339.1861608 Mm-hmm. 362 00:29:19,34.1861608 --> 00:29:21,849.1861608 And it's like, we'd come for your spirit, but you got that shit on lock. 363 00:29:24,724.1861608 --> 00:29:25,14.1861608 Yeah. 364 00:29:26,19.1861608 --> 00:29:26,469.1861608 Yeah. 365 00:29:26,499.1861608 --> 00:29:27,214.1861608 It's like my spirit. 366 00:29:27,369.1861608 --> 00:29:28,389.1861608 My spirit is free. 367 00:29:28,389.1861608 --> 00:29:30,279.1861608 At least as it feels free. 368 00:29:31,239.1861608 --> 00:29:33,519.1861608 But yeah. 369 00:29:33,519.1861608 --> 00:29:37,629.1861608 That's interesting that you say that because, Um, when it comes to. 370 00:29:38,214.1861608 --> 00:29:41,904.1861608 Kind of spiritual quote, awakenings or expansion or growth. 371 00:29:42,384.1861608 --> 00:29:44,694.1861608 It's often believed like, oh, that's it. 372 00:29:44,694.1861608 --> 00:29:45,384.1861608 You're done. 373 00:29:45,834.1861608 --> 00:29:48,354.1861608 Right? But, but we are, we are in this world. 374 00:29:48,354.1861608 --> 00:29:49,524.1861608 We're in this 3D world. 375 00:29:49,524.1861608 --> 00:29:50,964.1861608 We are, we're in this body. 376 00:29:51,384.1861608 --> 00:30:09,864.1861608 And so it, it, unless it becomes embodied, that whole spiritual growth becomes embodied, then it's only part, I mean, you haven't completed this or you're not quite on the spiritual path. 377 00:30:10,254.1861608 --> 00:30:10,344.1861608 Mm-hmm. 378 00:30:11,274.1861608 --> 00:30:17,784.1861608 That freeing of, of the spirit, Um, that is so magical. 379 00:30:17,784.1861608 --> 00:30:23,364.1861608 And yet until it becomes part of our body, it's, Um, it's still restricted. 380 00:30:23,904.1861608 --> 00:30:24,324.1861608 Wow. 381 00:30:24,534.1861608 --> 00:30:25,14.1861608 Damn. 382 00:30:26,544.1861608 --> 00:30:26,754.1861608 Yeah. 383 00:30:26,754.1861608 --> 00:30:30,234.1861608 And it happened after my quote unquote spiritual awakening. 384 00:30:31,419.1861608 --> 00:30:34,359.1861608 For the first time, like that's when I started feeling the symptoms of it. 385 00:30:34,899.1861608 --> 00:30:45,489.1861608 I thought it was due to a lot of, like the alcohol that I used to drink when I was, I used to be in the Peace Corps and, Um, this obviously does not, uh, represent the US government's views by any way, any means. 386 00:30:45,489.1861608 --> 00:30:49,959.1861608 But, Um, while I was in the Peace Corps, I was a very heavy drinker. 387 00:30:50,559.1861608 --> 00:31:00,729.1861608 You know, I, I was a heavy drinker before I went and I went hoping it would cure me or save me, and they sent me to the country with the most functioning alcoholics I've ever met. 388 00:31:01,4.1861608 --> 00:31:04,569.1861608 And, and so like, I drank a lot of the palm wine and stuff. 389 00:31:04,779.1861608 --> 00:31:04,899.1861608 Mm-hmm. 390 00:31:04,899.1861608 --> 00:31:12,129.1861608 And I remember when I was there, I, I met a lot of locals who were older, who were very sick from having drank all of like the palm wine mm-hmm. 391 00:31:12,135.1861608 --> 00:31:13,89.1861608 When they were younger. 392 00:31:13,599.1861608 --> 00:31:17,889.1861608 And so I didn't know if it was just like a, a late symptom. 393 00:31:18,744.1861608 --> 00:31:20,274.1861608 A later onset symptom. 394 00:31:20,274.1861608 --> 00:31:27,54.1861608 I, I blamed it on the drinking, but I, yeah, my, my instincts tell me it's, it's, it's very spiritual at its root. 395 00:31:27,54.1861608 --> 00:31:27,624.1861608 Yeah. 396 00:31:27,924.1861608 --> 00:31:28,704.1861608 Yeah, yeah. 397 00:31:28,704.1861608 --> 00:31:30,174.1861608 You said that early on. 398 00:31:30,414.1861608 --> 00:31:30,984.1861608 Yeah. 399 00:31:31,224.1861608 --> 00:31:40,714.1861608 And there are, and I, I don't know a lot about this, but there are physical, symptoms of spiritual growth often. 400 00:31:40,714.1861608 --> 00:31:53,734.1861608 'cause you're releasing stuff and, and as your kind of soul awakens or your spirit awakens, and when you are more attached to that, your body doesn't know often what to do with it. 401 00:31:53,734.1861608 --> 00:31:57,4.1861608 So you get physical symptoms. 402 00:31:57,124.1861608 --> 00:32:09,654.1861608 Um, I'm getting the sense that yes, it's spirit, it's this kind of spiritual awakening, but when this manipulative. 403 00:32:10,554.1861608 --> 00:32:12,834.1861608 Manipulative conniving voice. 404 00:32:12,924.1861608 --> 00:32:13,44.1861608 Mm. 405 00:32:13,764.1861608 --> 00:32:15,54.1861608 Got outta your head. 406 00:32:15,144.1861608 --> 00:32:17,124.1861608 It's went somewhere else. 407 00:32:17,394.1861608 --> 00:32:18,774.1861608 Oh shit. 408 00:32:21,354.1861608 --> 00:32:21,984.1861608 Yeah. 409 00:32:21,984.1861608 --> 00:32:23,694.1861608 That's what it is. 410 00:32:26,724.1861608 --> 00:32:27,714.1861608 Wow. 411 00:32:28,674.1861608 --> 00:32:34,554.1861608 It's like I exercised it from my mind, but it's like, it's, it's in the body now. 412 00:32:34,669.1861608 --> 00:32:35,89.1861608 Mm-hmm. 413 00:32:36,324.1861608 --> 00:32:45,624.1861608 And I've been content with leaving it there for the last five years, but yeah, I'm not completely embodied. 414 00:32:46,614.1861608 --> 00:32:46,704.1861608 Mm-hmm. 415 00:32:47,724.1861608 --> 00:32:48,234.1861608 Wow. 416 00:32:48,324.1861608 --> 00:32:48,954.1861608 Yeah. 417 00:32:49,584.1861608 --> 00:32:50,334.1861608 Yeah. 418 00:32:51,924.1861608 --> 00:33:04,884.1861608 It's, it's, when you said that you were content for it to be in your body, Um, we've, we, I think as hUmans and as people of color. 419 00:33:05,604.1861608 --> 00:33:10,194.1861608 Have learned to be okay with hating our bodies. 420 00:33:10,944.1861608 --> 00:33:11,64.1861608 Mm damn. 421 00:33:15,84.1861608 --> 00:33:32,184.1861608 And so if you've had any kind of, if you've internalized racism, the hate that comes from that, that voice, that conniving voice that's full of control and hate, it's like, oh, it's cool. 422 00:33:32,274.1861608 --> 00:33:33,564.1861608 I've already hated my body. 423 00:33:33,564.1861608 --> 00:33:38,874.1861608 It can sit in there and can still be there somehow. 424 00:33:38,874.1861608 --> 00:33:39,234.1861608 Whew. 425 00:33:40,849.1861608 --> 00:33:41,69.1861608 Wow. 426 00:33:45,479.1861608 --> 00:33:49,739.1861608 What does your body tell you? Hmm. 427 00:33:50,369.1861608 --> 00:33:56,999.1861608 I think my body's also telling me that it's like the poet in me always wants to find the deeper cut. 428 00:33:57,539.1861608 --> 00:34:00,749.1861608 It always wants to find the dots to connect, right? Hmm. 429 00:34:00,779.1861608 --> 00:34:12,59.1861608 And sometimes, and my body is also is like, yeah, we can keep going down this road of finding all of this meaning and finding all of these deeper truths, but at the end of the day, you just gotta show up with some discipline. 430 00:34:13,319.1861608 --> 00:34:19,649.1861608 You know what I mean? And like, some will and like will it through like, like I've showed that I can be consistent with other things in my life. 431 00:34:20,84.1861608 --> 00:34:20,504.1861608 Mm-hmm. 432 00:34:20,669.1861608 --> 00:34:26,309.1861608 Um, it's just this is something that I, I don't have the tolerance or I convince myself. 433 00:34:26,309.1861608 --> 00:34:29,39.1861608 I don't have the tolerance to do, to sit with that kind of discomfort. 434 00:34:30,179.1861608 --> 00:34:39,569.1861608 And so that's kind of like where I'm in the middle of right now, because I had a, I had another flare up this weekend with my allergies, you know? Well, I had my partner over. 435 00:34:40,424.1861608 --> 00:34:42,974.1861608 And it's like, I don't want this to be my future. 436 00:34:42,974.1861608 --> 00:34:45,374.1861608 Like, I don't want this anymore. 437 00:34:45,374.1861608 --> 00:34:55,544.1861608 You know? And so it's like, okay, but something's gonna have to change and you're gonna be the one who's responsible for all of that. 438 00:34:56,354.1861608 --> 00:35:13,574.1861608 You know? Like I even thought that once, I was still telling myself a story a little bit of like, I did find a lot more love for myself, but I thought that like once I would have the girlfriend or something that like, I would find the motivation to want to do that more, you know? Mm-hmm. 439 00:35:13,574.1861608 --> 00:35:15,704.1861608 In some ways I have, but in many ways I haven't. 440 00:35:16,184.1861608 --> 00:35:22,424.1861608 And so I think right now, I, I am, I'm seeing how it can come in the way of us connecting the way we want to. 441 00:35:23,54.1861608 --> 00:35:23,144.1861608 Mm-hmm. 442 00:35:23,144.1861608 --> 00:35:27,854.1861608 And so now it's like it's, I'm not doing it just for me now. 443 00:35:27,854.1861608 --> 00:35:30,614.1861608 And so there is a little bit of a heavier obligation. 444 00:35:31,274.1861608 --> 00:35:31,424.1861608 Mm-hmm. 445 00:35:31,904.1861608 --> 00:35:32,834.1861608 It's like, yeah. 446 00:35:32,834.1861608 --> 00:35:38,354.1861608 Now just because I've been content with this doesn't mean I have to make someone else content with this now too. 447 00:35:41,654.1861608 --> 00:35:51,974.1861608 Um, you used the word content is, is that the feeling you have with where your body is right now? Is it a contentment? Not anymore. 448 00:35:52,64.1861608 --> 00:35:54,884.1861608 I think it's now it's more of a discontent before. 449 00:35:54,974.1861608 --> 00:35:55,64.1861608 Mm-hmm. 450 00:35:55,64.1861608 --> 00:35:58,94.1861608 Like this stage, it's, it's been something I've been content with. 451 00:35:59,114.1861608 --> 00:36:09,644.1861608 Um, but now it's, no, it's like I, I, I replace shame and I have grace there now, but now I just have, uh, hunger to like be more embodied. 452 00:36:09,794.1861608 --> 00:36:13,274.1861608 It's coming from a loving place more so than shame, hate. 453 00:36:13,814.1861608 --> 00:36:17,24.1861608 It's like follow the light, not, not run away from the light. 454 00:36:17,534.1861608 --> 00:36:17,894.1861608 Mm-hmm. 455 00:36:19,784.1861608 --> 00:36:31,664.1861608 Can you feel that in your body when you say, this is now coming from a loving place? Yeah. 456 00:36:31,664.1861608 --> 00:36:32,504.1861608 It just feels light. 457 00:36:32,504.1861608 --> 00:36:32,594.1861608 Hmm. 458 00:36:34,994.1861608 --> 00:36:36,824.1861608 It feels very light, very still. 459 00:36:38,84.1861608 --> 00:36:38,804.1861608 Like coherent. 460 00:36:39,614.1861608 --> 00:36:39,944.1861608 Hmm. 461 00:36:44,624.1861608 --> 00:36:58,334.1861608 Do you have that feeling often? I do, but I don't, I don't maintain it often. 462 00:36:58,754.1861608 --> 00:37:08,804.1861608 Like I'll have some grounding practices in the morning, but in the moment that it matters most when I, where I should pause and redirect and ground mm-hmm. 463 00:37:09,164.1861608 --> 00:37:11,204.1861608 Um, I, I still find myself giving in. 464 00:37:15,794.1861608 --> 00:37:16,184.1861608 Yeah. 465 00:37:16,184.1861608 --> 00:37:18,824.1861608 And I'll kind of postpone it. 466 00:37:18,824.1861608 --> 00:37:25,364.1861608 It's like, oh, well we didn't meditate make tomorrow, we need to make sure we meditate before we start, you know, or something like that. 467 00:37:25,364.1861608 --> 00:37:31,694.1861608 But, Um, it, it comes down to just me, like being afraid of the moment. 468 00:37:32,459.1861608 --> 00:37:39,749.1861608 You know, it's like, yeah, this is the moment, but I'm afraid of it, so I'm just gonna keep giving myself grace to fail through it. 469 00:37:39,754.1861608 --> 00:37:41,279.1861608 Instead it rise up to the challenge. 470 00:37:42,344.1861608 --> 00:37:42,464.1861608 Hmm. 471 00:37:44,129.1861608 --> 00:38:01,439.1861608 You used the term giving in, what are you giving into to the craving, to the impulse for short-term pleasure. 472 00:38:02,309.1861608 --> 00:38:12,419.1861608 To the denial of prioritizing long-term benefits to probably, I'm still, I'm giving it to maybe that conniving voice. 473 00:38:12,419.1861608 --> 00:38:14,819.1861608 It just maybe doesn't feel like it's as conniving anymore. 474 00:38:15,179.1861608 --> 00:38:15,299.1861608 Mm-hmm. 475 00:38:15,869.1861608 --> 00:38:17,759.1861608 'cause there's not that shame attached to it. 476 00:38:17,759.1861608 --> 00:38:17,849.1861608 Mm-hmm. 477 00:38:24,474.1861608 --> 00:38:26,489.1861608 If that conniving voice. 478 00:38:27,869.1861608 --> 00:38:32,759.1861608 A loss, some of its power because, Um, it's not rooted in shame. 479 00:38:34,109.1861608 --> 00:38:45,689.1861608 What do you think it might be rooted in now? Hmm. 480 00:38:45,689.1861608 --> 00:38:50,579.1861608 I think it's just rooted in, its in its history, in its past. 481 00:38:52,619.1861608 --> 00:38:53,39.1861608 Mm-hmm. 482 00:38:53,789.1861608 --> 00:38:56,39.1861608 Like it's, the foundation is still there. 483 00:38:56,39.1861608 --> 00:39:00,314.1861608 Just because I turned the lights off doesn't mean the house is still there, you know? Mm-hmm. 484 00:39:04,589.1861608 --> 00:39:10,619.1861608 It's like, I'm just not feeding that shame anymore, but it's, it's still there, I guess. 485 00:39:10,619.1861608 --> 00:39:10,919.1861608 Wow. 486 00:39:10,919.1861608 --> 00:39:10,979.1861608 Yeah. 487 00:39:12,29.1861608 --> 00:39:12,329.1861608 Yeah. 488 00:39:13,264.1861608 --> 00:39:13,554.1861608 Yeah. 489 00:39:14,39.1861608 --> 00:39:18,689.1861608 So there's like a legacy power, a legacy power's a good way to put it. 490 00:39:18,959.1861608 --> 00:39:24,329.1861608 And because I think, I think it's because the shame only lasts maybe a few moments. 491 00:39:25,454.1861608 --> 00:39:27,674.1861608 As compared to before, it would be a spiral. 492 00:39:27,674.1861608 --> 00:39:33,44.1861608 You know, I would, I would just spiral down into weeks and days, Um, months. 493 00:39:33,584.1861608 --> 00:39:39,734.1861608 Um, you know, I'd have like one slipup turn into like a one month derailment, you know? Mm-hmm. 494 00:39:39,794.1861608 --> 00:39:41,984.1861608 And now it's just, it is just day by day now. 495 00:39:41,984.1861608 --> 00:39:46,544.1861608 And so I guess it is still just as conniving and shaming. 496 00:39:46,544.1861608 --> 00:39:49,604.1861608 It's just, it, the duration's much less. 497 00:39:49,604.1861608 --> 00:39:52,94.1861608 And so it doesn't necessarily feel like it was before. 498 00:39:53,144.1861608 --> 00:39:53,684.1861608 Hmm. 499 00:39:56,204.1861608 --> 00:39:56,744.1861608 Wow. 500 00:39:59,144.1861608 --> 00:40:02,444.1861608 There's, I mean, I just feel so much pressure in my heart right now. 501 00:40:02,954.1861608 --> 00:40:05,539.1861608 Um, I don't feel anything. 502 00:40:05,744.1861608 --> 00:40:07,994.1861608 I think you're feeling it all for me or something. 503 00:40:07,994.1861608 --> 00:40:08,174.1861608 Dude. 504 00:40:10,359.1861608 --> 00:40:10,939.1861608 That's okay. 505 00:40:11,24.1861608 --> 00:40:12,254.1861608 Stop, stop hurting. 506 00:40:12,254.1861608 --> 00:40:12,614.1861608 Marielle. 507 00:40:14,504.1861608 --> 00:40:18,374.1861608 You know what's interesting? You say that you don't feel anything. 508 00:40:18,374.1861608 --> 00:40:23,654.1861608 It's, Um, oh, what's coming up for me is it's, Um. 509 00:40:25,664.1861608 --> 00:40:30,954.1861608 Maybe, uh, or you've practiced disconnecting from your body. 510 00:40:32,124.1861608 --> 00:40:32,304.1861608 Yeah, yeah. 511 00:40:33,204.1861608 --> 00:40:44,754.1861608 Um, because you, you know, you talked about the last line, and I forget exactly the, Um, the exact words, but it, it, the feeling was nUmb. 512 00:40:44,754.1861608 --> 00:40:45,714.1861608 You said? NUmb. 513 00:40:46,464.1861608 --> 00:40:46,734.1861608 Yeah. 514 00:40:47,274.1861608 --> 00:40:49,554.1861608 Until nUmb is my last remaining feeling. 515 00:40:50,214.1861608 --> 00:40:50,934.1861608 Yeah. 516 00:40:51,114.1861608 --> 00:40:51,714.1861608 Yeah. 517 00:40:51,714.1861608 --> 00:41:10,434.1861608 And you've, from kind of that emotional, spiritual standpoint, you've gotten past needing to feel nUmb or wanting to feel nUmb, like that's the feeling that is most comfortable. 518 00:41:12,324.1861608 --> 00:41:32,254.1861608 But I wonder if it's like your body is still wanting to feel nUmb or, or not wanting to, to feel your body that tracks Wow. 519 00:41:32,254.1861608 --> 00:41:33,694.1861608 That probably, that tracks a lot. 520 00:41:33,754.1861608 --> 00:41:43,234.1861608 'cause I've, I've, I've been wanting to reconnect to my body more, but like, and that's come up in the therapy sessions and I've had a nutritionist mm-hmm. 521 00:41:43,234.1861608 --> 00:41:48,184.1861608 And she's mentioned the same thing, just like, get in touch with your body, you know, check in with your body. 522 00:41:48,184.1861608 --> 00:41:56,854.1861608 And I'm like, what the hell does that mean? Like, and they've given me pointers, but it is, it is so foreign to me of how to do that. 523 00:41:58,384.1861608 --> 00:42:03,454.1861608 And I've been afraid, I think I've still been afraid of doing it, so that, that's probably very true. 524 00:42:03,454.1861608 --> 00:42:06,34.1861608 I'm just, I'm just disconnected from it still. 525 00:42:06,34.1861608 --> 00:42:06,514.1861608 Mm. 526 00:42:07,234.1861608 --> 00:42:07,444.1861608 Yeah. 527 00:42:09,814.1861608 --> 00:42:24,754.1861608 Yeah, I When you said, and, and I don't want this to be a stretch, but, Um, something was coming up for me when you said that your, when you start exercising, you, your heart would just race. 528 00:42:25,834.1861608 --> 00:42:30,184.1861608 Is that No, it's, it's, so, it's, I can, I can go for a walk. 529 00:42:30,214.1861608 --> 00:42:32,104.1861608 I can go like for gentle walks or something. 530 00:42:32,104.1861608 --> 00:42:37,504.1861608 It's once my heart rate passed a certain threshold, that's when it starts. 531 00:42:37,624.1861608 --> 00:42:37,744.1861608 Mm-hmm. 532 00:42:41,9.1861608 --> 00:42:48,784.1861608 And so it's, I find it pretty difficult to be able to like lift weights or train without, I mean, the whole point of training is to elevate the heart rate. 533 00:42:49,624.1861608 --> 00:42:49,634.1861608 Yeah. 534 00:42:49,779.1861608 --> 00:42:50,134.1861608 Yeah, yeah. 535 00:42:50,914.1861608 --> 00:42:51,304.1861608 Yeah. 536 00:42:51,689.1861608 --> 00:42:55,534.1861608 And I wonder if that's why I've been feeling it in my heart. 537 00:42:55,564.1861608 --> 00:42:55,864.1861608 Mm. 538 00:42:56,404.1861608 --> 00:42:57,364.1861608 So much. 539 00:42:57,484.1861608 --> 00:42:59,434.1861608 Um, yeah. 540 00:42:59,434.1861608 --> 00:43:06,634.1861608 You almost can't allow yourself to explore what your heart can do. 541 00:43:08,84.1861608 --> 00:43:18,924.1861608 Because the heart, I mean, it can, maintain a very elevated heart rate for a pretty long amount of time. 542 00:43:19,804.1861608 --> 00:43:34,594.1861608 So, the heart can, can reach heights that, Um, might feel kind of uncomfortable for the body, but it can actually do it. 543 00:43:34,654.1861608 --> 00:43:38,434.1861608 And, and the more it does it, the more it can do it. 544 00:43:43,294.1861608 --> 00:43:44,44.1861608 Yeah. 545 00:43:44,229.1861608 --> 00:43:45,754.1861608 I like, wow. 546 00:43:46,54.1861608 --> 00:43:50,284.1861608 I've, yeah, I feel like I just got so disconnected from it. 547 00:43:50,284.1861608 --> 00:44:00,34.1861608 And that's like my heart, my body's last defense to protect my heart, I guess, or my mind's last defense to protect myself against my heart. 548 00:44:01,384.1861608 --> 00:44:02,404.1861608 Your bodies. 549 00:44:05,224.1861608 --> 00:44:08,404.1861608 It's, it's all of it's in, it's in on it. 550 00:44:08,404.1861608 --> 00:44:09,874.1861608 Right? Your body's in on it. 551 00:44:09,904.1861608 --> 00:44:11,314.1861608 Your mind's in on it. 552 00:44:12,754.1861608 --> 00:44:13,684.1861608 Oh, yeah. 553 00:44:13,684.1861608 --> 00:44:15,724.1861608 It's, Um, yeah. 554 00:44:15,784.1861608 --> 00:44:17,824.1861608 I, I don't have any answers for you all. 555 00:44:17,824.1861608 --> 00:44:22,534.1861608 I know that, well, my heart, my feel, my heart's so strongly right now. 556 00:44:22,954.1861608 --> 00:44:25,654.1861608 Um, you were saying, and you said, and Sorry, go ahead. 557 00:44:25,954.1861608 --> 00:44:26,284.1861608 No. 558 00:44:26,284.1861608 --> 00:44:32,104.1861608 Well, what does that feel like for you when you say, I feel my heart so much right now, like, like, walk me through, Um, there's, explain that to me. 559 00:44:32,104.1861608 --> 00:44:35,14.1861608 Like I'm just for the first time, yeah. 560 00:44:35,104.1861608 --> 00:44:45,804.1861608 It feels, it feels alive, it feels activated, and I feel a, a pressure on the outside of my chest. 561 00:44:47,134.1861608 --> 00:44:51,634.1861608 It's like something external is trying to connect to my heart. 562 00:44:52,864.1861608 --> 00:44:56,169.1861608 Um, and my whole body is worn because as you know, as you know, the. 563 00:44:56,884.1861608 --> 00:45:00,64.1861608 When the heart rate goes up, the body warms up. 564 00:45:00,424.1861608 --> 00:45:06,434.1861608 Um, when the, heart pUmps more blood into the body, your body naturally gets warm. 565 00:45:06,434.1861608 --> 00:45:09,44.1861608 And so that's what I've been feeling. 566 00:45:09,44.1861608 --> 00:45:11,954.1861608 I started feeling it when you were sharing your poem. 567 00:45:11,954.1861608 --> 00:45:12,809.1861608 I don't know if you saw, saw. 568 00:45:12,974.1861608 --> 00:45:13,569.1861608 I did. 569 00:45:13,724.1861608 --> 00:45:15,314.1861608 I was like, touching my heart. 570 00:45:15,314.1861608 --> 00:45:16,724.1861608 I was like, oh, wow. 571 00:45:17,474.1861608 --> 00:45:29,594.1861608 Um, and it's a different feeling than, than, oh, I'm, I'm moved by your poem, which I was, it felt, Um, I, my body felt it, like I just didn't feel moved as a mm-hmm. 572 00:45:29,834.1861608 --> 00:45:30,644.1861608 An emotion. 573 00:45:31,94.1861608 --> 00:45:34,454.1861608 I could feel it in my body. 574 00:45:34,604.1861608 --> 00:45:37,634.1861608 I could feel it in my body, and my body is responding. 575 00:45:38,634.1861608 --> 00:45:48,684.1861608 It's, you know, I'm, it is a surprisingly cool day here in la so I've been kind of a little bit chilled all, most of the day. 576 00:45:48,744.1861608 --> 00:45:54,234.1861608 And, Um, I'm not at all, I feel quite, quite, quite warm now. 577 00:45:55,404.1861608 --> 00:45:56,274.1861608 That's fascinating. 578 00:45:56,274.1861608 --> 00:45:57,54.1861608 Thank you for sharing. 579 00:45:59,444.1861608 --> 00:46:04,124.1861608 How do you feel your heart, Yeah. 580 00:46:04,124.1861608 --> 00:46:10,124.1861608 You know, I think, Um, I don't think I'm as in touch with how it feels day to day. 581 00:46:11,504.1861608 --> 00:46:13,664.1861608 I just, I notice it when I moved. 582 00:46:13,964.1861608 --> 00:46:16,904.1861608 I think that's probably the only time that I feel it and notice it is. 583 00:46:17,744.1861608 --> 00:46:23,684.1861608 When I moved, or, Um, at work, it comes out a lot. 584 00:46:24,284.1861608 --> 00:46:28,364.1861608 I moved very much by my work that I do most days. 585 00:46:29,234.1861608 --> 00:46:35,894.1861608 Um, but like right now it's, I, I think I feel it a little bit. 586 00:46:38,384.1861608 --> 00:46:39,164.1861608 It doesn't feel good. 587 00:46:43,784.1861608 --> 00:46:46,274.1861608 Like I think some of the lightness went away. 588 00:46:47,549.1861608 --> 00:46:47,769.1861608 Oh. 589 00:46:49,124.1861608 --> 00:47:05,114.1861608 I feel like a very, it's like a slow, gloomy mood, like a car that wants to go on the freeway but can only drive on the parking lot. 590 00:47:06,9.1861608 --> 00:47:06,229.1861608 Mm. 591 00:47:11,144.1861608 --> 00:47:11,564.1861608 Yeah. 592 00:47:11,564.1861608 --> 00:47:18,454.1861608 To lighten that, uh, have you done butterfly hug before? No. 593 00:47:18,454.1861608 --> 00:47:18,769.1861608 But it sounds perfect. 594 00:47:18,909.1861608 --> 00:47:20,164.1861608 No? Yeah. 595 00:47:20,224.1861608 --> 00:47:20,974.1861608 Okay. 596 00:47:21,64.1861608 --> 00:47:32,224.1861608 Um, so butterfly hug, you look at your palms and then have them in front of your chest and then cross your wrists. 597 00:47:33,79.1861608 --> 00:47:35,239.1861608 So, Um, and your thUmbs. 598 00:47:35,239.1861608 --> 00:47:52,249.1861608 So what you'll see hopefully, is that your thUmbs make the antenna of the butterfly and your hands make the shape of the butterfly, and you'll put your hands in that shape of your but the butterfly across your chest. 599 00:47:55,9.1861608 --> 00:47:56,929.1861608 And go ahead and just breathe here. 600 00:47:58,69.1861608 --> 00:48:13,429.1861608 And as you do, you'll just tap your chest with one hand, fingers of one hand, and then tap your chest with the fingers of the other hand, and you just switch back and forth, tapping your chest. 601 00:48:13,669.1861608 --> 00:48:32,89.1861608 Continue to breathe, and if it feels good, add a little bit of pressure onto your chest with the palms of your hands as you continue to tap one side and the other side of your chest. 602 00:48:33,934.1861608 --> 00:48:49,444.1861608 Breathing in here, allowing your belly to expand the air going up into your heart and lungs, and yeah, if there's a yawn that comes in, do that. 603 00:48:49,444.1861608 --> 00:48:50,584.1861608 That is your body. 604 00:48:51,604.1861608 --> 00:48:55,54.1861608 It's a beautiful way that your nervous system responds. 605 00:48:55,114.1861608 --> 00:48:58,54.1861608 It's bringing in more oxygen into your body. 606 00:48:59,764.1861608 --> 00:49:05,104.1861608 And now think about what a butterfly means to you. 607 00:49:06,934.1861608 --> 00:49:39,709.1861608 Is there joy there? Is there this idea of rebirth? Is there beauty in its colors? Does it bring a sense of lightness as it flutters from flower to flower, continuing to breathe here? Ah, if you need to Si, si good. 608 00:49:44,239.1861608 --> 00:49:48,529.1861608 If you can connect to your heart, it's beautiful. 609 00:49:49,579.1861608 --> 00:49:52,579.1861608 Allow the butterfly hug to be a hug. 610 00:49:54,379.1861608 --> 00:50:00,379.1861608 To be a hug from yourself, from the world to you. 611 00:50:03,799.1861608 --> 00:50:11,959.1861608 Allowing it to release oxytocin, which is a love hormone connection hormone. 612 00:50:14,84.1861608 --> 00:50:16,159.1861608 Ah, good. 613 00:50:18,529.1861608 --> 00:50:24,649.1861608 Whenever you're ready, you can bring your hands down if it feels right. 614 00:50:30,829.1861608 --> 00:50:50,659.1861608 And then when you're ready, you can maybe rub your thighs with your hands, just grounding back into your body, knowing that you are here right now, knowing that you are in your body. 615 00:50:54,919.1861608 --> 00:50:58,9.1861608 Maybe move your body in whatever way feels good. 616 00:51:01,69.1861608 --> 00:51:08,419.1861608 Shifting from side to side, rolling your shoulders front and back. 617 00:51:10,969.1861608 --> 00:51:11,449.1861608 Ah. 618 00:51:16,131.9382007 --> 00:51:16,611.9382007 Wow. 619 00:51:17,631.9382007 --> 00:51:18,51.9382007 Thank you. 620 00:51:19,11.9382007 --> 00:51:20,91.9382007 You're welcome. 621 00:51:21,471.9382007 --> 00:51:27,531.9382007 I feel like we've covered, we've talked about a lot of kind of intense stuff. 622 00:51:28,701.9382007 --> 00:51:32,241.9382007 Thank you for being so open with me. 623 00:51:32,511.9382007 --> 00:51:44,421.9382007 Um, I'm cognizant of the intensity of a conversation and hold, hold space for that and, and give some space. 624 00:51:44,541.9382007 --> 00:51:45,801.9382007 Yeah, thank you. 625 00:51:46,641.9382007 --> 00:51:52,881.9382007 It's, Um, I tend to be the one holding space, so it's nice to be able to have someone do it for me. 626 00:51:54,46.9382007 --> 00:51:54,166.9382007 Hmm. 627 00:51:56,331.9382007 --> 00:51:57,651.9382007 I was happy to do it. 628 00:51:57,771.9382007 --> 00:51:58,971.9382007 I was happy to do it