September 10, 2024 • 37 mins
Welcome to another episode of Shepack Unleashed! Join hosts Nichole, Ashley, Jenny , and our special guest Nicole as they dive into the unique challenges and triumphs of young motherhood. In this heart-to-heart discussion, Nicole shares her story of becoming a mother at 19, navigating relationships, and balancing her career as a freelance producer and social media marketer.
From unexpected pregnancies to the trials of early parenting, Nicole opens up about her journey and the lessons learned along the way. The conversation also explores the dynamics of raising teenagers and young adults, finding community, and maintaining a strong marriage through it all.
Tune in to hear about the ups and downs of parenting young, the importance of savoring precious moments, and the quest to find your tribe in every stage of life. Whether you're a young parent or just curious about the experience, this episode offers valuable insights and heartfelt reflections.
Don't miss out on this inspiring and empowering episode of Shepack Unleashed!
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Episode Transcript
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(00:02):
Hello, and welcome to SHIPAC Unleashed. I'm one of your hosts, Tanya.
I'm Nicole. Welcome to your weekly dose of candid discussion and the pursuit
of finding your tribe in this journey of motherhood, womanhood, and sisterhood.
I'm Ashley. Join us as we leave no stone unturned. In each episode,
we have heart-to-heart conversations that aim to challenge and empower one another.
I'm Jenny. No more waiting. SHIPAC Unleashed begins now.
(00:27):
In today's episode, the aftermath of parenting young.
Today we have a special guest here on this episode, Nicole.
Another Nicole without an H. Nicole without an H.
So Nicole, do you want to introduce yourself and tell us a little bit about
you? Yes, I am Nicole with no H.
I'm 43 years old. I am married to a guy who I've been with since I was 19.
(00:52):
We have three kids 18 19 and 23 and i'm a freelance producer slash social media
marketer so she's the guru here helping us figure out all the things today i'm
i'm trying to just watch and not interject can you tell we're figuring it out as we go along awesome.
(01:16):
So wait, your kids are 18, 19, and 23.
So they're not, they're, they, they can vote. They're, they're adults.
They do their own thing. My brain cannot even fathom.
Yeah. Each one of them though, are treating adulthood very differently.
My middle daughter who's 19 told us about a concert she's going to.
(01:38):
And my husband and I were like okay and she was like mom and dad didn't even
care and my son who's 18 was like you don't even live here why do you think
about concert don't even live here you don't have to ask permission that's so
funny so a little background we are in a networking group together and i am 37,
(01:58):
i stopped counting i think i'm 38 38 34 34 and our kids are and tanya's 40 and
our oldest kid amongst us is nine.
Yeah. So you are like our golden star out there, like what we hope to aspire
to one day with like. If I could go back all over again.
(02:21):
You would have your kids younger? Oh, yeah.
I don't think I would, but I'm interested to hear like how was the experience
as a young parent? And I think about now, like, I feel like we're relatively
young parents in this generation.
Like, a lot of the friends in
my kids' class are in their mid to late 40s with kids the same age as me.
(02:41):
So I feel like we're, like, the young parents, but, like, not really.
Yeah. Yeah. I mean, having my oldest at 20, I was 25, 26 at parent-teacher conferences,
you know, and it was, you're not taken seriously when you're in your mid-20s.
Yeah and i had three kids at that point so it was lots of challenges our story
(03:06):
is very wide and long and wind winding and precarious so well we'd love to hear the yes you know.
I'm invested we want to hear that i'm gonna drink my wine while i hear this
like amazingness oh gosh well i'm an open book so okay tell me if you need me
to shut it So was it a conscious choice to have kids young? No.
(03:26):
So it could be. No, not at 19. So I moved out at 18, tried community college
for a semester, absolutely hated it, hated everything about school.
And I was like, I can't do this.
So I started working, had three jobs, lived on my own. I lived all by myself
at 18 years old. And it was just amazing.
I remember my first night in my apartment. Actually, it was a trailer.
(03:49):
I ran around the house naked because I could. Oh, my gosh. Oh,
that must have been so satisfying. And, you know, I was young, so.
It like makes me think of the Tom
Cruise movie where he like slides in his underwear. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah.
No, I had nothing. No underwear, nothing. Yeah. So anyway, so I meet my husband
in December of 99. Well, January.
(04:10):
Around that area of 99. And then we went away for Valentine's Day,
and I got pregnant on that trip.
So we knew each other three months. Oh, wow.
Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah. So fast forward, we moved to South Carolina.
So I should have said I'm from Rhode Island originally.
(04:30):
Moved to South Carolina when I was like four months pregnant because we could live with his parents.
It was really not a fantasy life whatsoever. It was very hard and very scary being 19.
And he was 21 at the time. He ended up leaving college and working and it was rough, but we did it.
(04:52):
And I remember people would be like, you know, I can't believe you're going
to be a mom at 20. Like, what are you thinking?
And it made me, it like steeled my resolve to be a stay-at-home mom because I was like,
I'm going to do this and I'm going to do it to the best of my
ability and I'm going to stay home with my kid and I'm going to raise her and
you know whatever and I did I stayed home for 14 years oh wow so the only reason
(05:17):
why I got a job is because I was bored so then I don't know how much detail
you all the detail all the detail we this is like girlfriend hour with wine
I'm over here like oh yeah.
Well, we realized, well, I realized when she was, when Kira,
that's her name, my oldest, when she was about one, I realized I was not loving
(05:41):
what was happening in my life.
I realized that, you know, my now husband was just not, he was,
I don't know, he was being a 22-year-old guy, you know, and I, as the mom, couldn't.
Be the same. You couldn't be the 19, 20 year old free range.
Isn't that so interesting? The men are like, right.
Like life didn't change. So what we had a kid and you're like,
(06:03):
uh, life changed everything. Yeah. It's so funny because he's a totally different person now.
But anyway, so we broke up when my oldest was two and a half and we were not
together for six months because we both kind of realized me more so that we
had fallen in love and stayed in love because of her.
And I was like, kids is not the reason to stay together.
(06:24):
If that's your only reason you're together, you need to do some hard thinking
and hard, you know, self-reflection. Yeah.
So we broke up and then Fleas actually brought us together.
Oh. Like literal Fleas. Literal Fleas. Okay. We fell back in love.
So I was living on my own. He was living on his own. and we had this cat in
(06:47):
my house and she just had fleas.
You literally have to burn the place down. Yeah. I mean, pretty much.
So I brought my daughter to see her dad and he's like, what is on her legs? I'm like, I don't know.
I can't figure out how to get rid of these fleas. And he's like,
okay, no, you're not staying where fleas are and neither is my daughter.
So you guys can stay at my place.
(07:08):
So I was still living the way I was living when I was living with him.
I I was going out. I was partying. I had no plans on getting back together.
We had finally become civil people, separated, you know.
And then, yeah, just being at his house, we kind of just fell in love for each other.
Regardless of if we had a daughter. So yeah, we always say fleas and my drunken 23rd birthday.
(07:33):
That was the, so a couple months before that I went out and I was basically
living my 21 year old life.
Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you couldn't before. Right.
So I was out, I had drank, do you guys know what jungle juice is? Oh yeah. Okay.
I had four full solo cups. up. Stop it. Oh my God.
(07:56):
And then watched fireworks. Lord. That must have been very enlightening and
interesting. It was very pukerific.
Sounds pukerific. I mean, pretty sure jungle juice is one of the few things I've puked on.
Yeah. So I'm laying on the curb and my guy friend is like, what do you want
me to do? Because I drove a manual and nobody there could drive a stick shift.
And he's like, what do you want me to do? I was like, call Chris.
(08:17):
And he's like, your ex? You want me to call your ex? I was like, yeah.
He called him and he's like, hey, she's asking for you.
And he's like, all right, where is she? Like, he came like that. Wow. He came.
Somebody else drove my car, followed us back to the house. And I remember laying
on my couch and I was like, please don't leave. Please don't leave.
And I just like hugged him. And he's like, he's like, this is ridiculous.
(08:38):
He's like, this drunken girl. He's like, and then later when I asked him, he's like, I love you.
Like, that doesn't change whether we're together or not. You know,
so that was like the first, oh, he still really loves me.
So yeah, but Fleas brought us back together. And then we planned another child
because with Kira, we were like, we're done.
We only want one. You know, I was young. I didn't know what I was doing.
(09:00):
And then for some reason, it was like a switch flipped.
And I was like, she needs a sister or a brother. And you were how old then? I was 23.
Okay. Planning on my second. And had you guys gotten married at this point or
no? No. Okay. So we were engaged.
We actually got engaged. This Saturday will be our anniversary of being engaged.
Oh my gosh. Our anniversary is tomorrow.
(09:21):
Is it? Yeah. Very cool. Not that many years, but close. Close.
So we were like, all right, well, let's start. We'll just start.
Who knows how long it'll take us to get pregnant. We started on Christmas Eve
and I got pregnant on Christmas Eve. Wow.
Meant to be again. Yeah. You are fertile myrtle over there.
(09:42):
Wait till I tell you about my son. You just look at you and you're pregnant. Seriously.
So we have Keegan and realizing I got pregnant way faster than I thought,
we're like, we're eloping.
So we eloped to Hawaii wow it was just him and I a couple of idiot kids we had
no idea what we were doing no idea sounds like the best though it was I mean
(10:02):
I was so romantic I was so not oh yeah I was not cute okay yeah pregnant I mean it's a story but,
so we come back we're you know we're married and all that stuff and then I give
birth to Keegan great we got our girls we're done.
Then comes his birthday. And it was enough time after she was born,
(10:26):
we could partake in extracurricular activities.
So for his birthday, we did. And I get pregnant on his birthday.
So three months after my daughter was born, I got my son. Oh, man.
So you're like, bam, bam, bam. Thank you, ma'am. Oh, my goodness. I like PTSD.
I wasn't even close to like ready to have another kid that soon.
I was not either. Yeah. Definitely not a third. Seems to be your theme there. Listen.
(10:52):
Hey, it worked out. I just said it. It really did. Something seems serendipitous about it almost.
Yeah. I can't imagine my life without my son. Yeah. I mean, it's just different.
So, yeah, I remember I will never forget. I went to the doctor and I was like,
hey, you know, I'm not breastfeeding, but I still haven't started my cycle.
Like maybe I need to get on that medicine because there's that medication that
(11:12):
makes you kind of like start.
She's like, all right, we need to do a pregnancy test. I'm like,
we've only done it once. It's fine. She goes, once is enough.
I'm like, no, no, no. I've taken lots of tests. It's negative. It's fine.
So then I remember picking up the phone the next morning, looking at Keegan,
a three-month-old in her car seat, picking up the phone at 8.38 AM because we
had like the caller ID thing and it was my doctor.
(11:33):
Hey, you're pregnant again.
I probably would have like fallen over, right? I literally just stared at Keegan
and like, I think like a tear like came down my face and I'm I'm like, no, no.
She's like, Nicole, what did I tell you? So Keegan's birth was actually very traumatic.
I almost died. So she really was like, please don't have any more kids right
(11:57):
now. You need, your body needs to heal.
So she was not happy with me. Yeah.
Caleb's birth was fine, but yeah, it was, he came along and we were done,
done. So he was born in October.
My husband had a vasectomy. Oh yeah. Thank God.
A week before New Year's Eve. And I was like, this is not
happening until that happens yeah so yeah
(12:19):
my mom worked at the at the urology office so she was
like um he needs to come in again for his sample oh that's good he needs to
come in again for his sample oh my god my husband has a head of vasectomy as
yours yeah did they do the samples yes no neither one of my my abs have not
done the samples absolutely wait why because they're are bad lazy men.
(12:41):
Well, all you have to do is say you're not coming here until that's done.
That's also a punishment for me.
I think you'd be able to hold out more than he could. Probably not. Yeah, probably not.
Probably not. Yeah. Well, I had to use that and it worked.
So yeah. Yeah. New Year's Eve, he had a bag of frozen peas on his crotch.
(13:03):
I love it. I love it. But that was a long time ago. I'm still stuck on your kids are 18.
19 and 23. Yep. And her 23-year-old is married. Mm-hmm.
So she's like one married off. Yeah, she's like a heartbeat away from a grandparent.
So I imagine that was really hard, like as a young mom. And I used to be a teacher.
I knew some young, even younger moms.
(13:24):
That side of it, I think, is a story I've heard.
But on the flip side of that, now that they're older, like what is life like for you now?
It's hard to explain because it's amazing.
It's sad. But it's amazing.
But it's sad. Like there's just so many. The other day, my husband and I were
(13:44):
in the house, and he's on his recliner. I'm on the couch, and I'm like, what are we going to do?
Like, sit in silence. Yeah, like we can't travel every day.
I mean, you can. I mean, we could, but this crowd will tell you you can.
Yeah. We'd live in a cardboard box if we did that.
But yeah, we just, you know, you got to learn new hobbies.
(14:05):
I started gardening. I have a greenhouse now, and my first thing plant sprouted
today. Oh my God, potato sprouts.
I was so excited. I'm like, I'm so sad. Are you still working? I just do freelance.
Yeah. On like your own time when you want to. Okay. Yeah. I sat at a brewery
in Pittsburgh today and just worked.
That's awesome. Yeah, it's pretty great. So yeah, it's just different.
(14:30):
You know, it's, I don't know, it's hard to explain.
Because then I think back of, you know, how it was back then.
I'm like, man, I could be such a great mom now.
But then I'm like, no, I was a really, really good mom.
Like, it doesn't matter my age. I was a good mom. And like my oldest wants a,
we always say she wants a fleet of children.
And everybody says it's because you were such a good mom that she wants to like
(14:53):
do that. I'm like, okay, I'll take it. Yeah.
And your relationship, you're still together. Yeah. That's impressive.
We definitely beat odds that are so minuscule.
Yeah. When Kira was, like, middle school-ish and people knew that she was the
age she was and then I was the age I was.
(15:15):
And then you had the two, we called them the littles, back-to-back, really close.
They always assumed Kira was not Chris's daughter.
Oh, interesting. No, no. It's the same dad.
So. Did you, like, love to say that to people that gave you that smart math?
I did because, like, we were talking earlier. people
just have the audacity to just say whatever and say
(15:35):
and question things I'm like where did that come
make them explain it seriously why did you say
that like I would have responded back with
something like outrageous mm-hmm yeah I think I was just tired now yeah for
sure but back then I was just tired I mean I can imagine I'm tired now and I
only have two and I'm older and like have more resources and things at my disposal
(15:58):
yeah oh my probably did at 19 my gosh Gosh,
I look at, so I go on TikTok and I scroll and I'm looking at these parents with these newborns.
I'm like, if I had a quarter of the things that newborn parents have now,
right, my life would have been so much easier.
Even postpartum depression and all of that, it was, so my doctor actually talked
(16:18):
to my husband when I was pregnant to show, like to talk about the signs,
but that was not the norm. That just happened to be that doctor.
But even back then, there was no resources there was
nothing you know well and thinking about like female friendships
right all of us sort of became friends at the
beginning because our kids are at the same age and we
(16:39):
were in the same sort of like kid group stuff what was that like for you at
that like were there anybody like in the same boat or around the same age or
anybody you can really relate to in that season of life i did have a group of
women trying to how how pc you're going to be about this one.
Let's just say we all went on vacation together. And you know what happens when
(17:02):
you have a bunch of women go on vacation together. It could go good or bad. Yeah, it went bad.
But I did have a group and I did have a small number of friends who,
you know, we were there for each other.
Were they similar age to you or their kids were the similar age to yours? Both.
Okay. Yeah. That's great. I ended up finding a small group of younger moms,
but it didn't last. So...
(17:27):
Well, that's interesting. We did a whole episode on traveling and traveling
with your friends and like how that can go well or not, you know.
And thinking back to like when I was 20, it probably would not have gone well.
That's what I was going to say. Like you're still such a baby yourself and your
brain is still literally developing.
Like, of course, you have different friends now. Yeah.
(17:48):
Yeah. But we just moved to this area in 2016. And at that point,
the kids were in middle school and high school.
And at that point, I didn't meet other moms because you kind of meet when they're
in elementary school. There's really no reason for you to meet.
Like dating. You had daughters. Yeah. Why is there like no reason to meet other parents?
(18:08):
We're not there yet. So we're curious. So the only way that I could see that
happening was through sports.
And the only sports kid we had was our middle daughter. She did basketball.
But it was just, I don't know. no, we just never clicked with anybody,
you know, and they were always so much younger than us or so much. Yeah. So much younger.
(18:30):
So now or so much older. Yeah. So much older. But now, you know, I'm 43. My husband's 45.
We're in a season of life now where our kids are almost flown and grown in and out. Hello.
Hello. Well, then how are you finding like, what is your tribe look like now
or your friend group looking now? Like you don't have kids that like tie you together necessarily.
(18:53):
I don't have one, which is how we started this conversation at the networking.
Yeah. I was saying that I don't have a group anymore.
I have one very close friend, but she lives two hours away. So we use Marco
Polo to keep in touch. We love that. We are like Marco Polo. Premium subscribers.
Premium subscribers. Get us like in to have some product. Right.
I just became an ambassador for Marco Polo. No way.
(19:16):
It passed you down. I'm sorry. I got excited. Oh my Lord.
Do not attack me with you but we need to figure that out we've been using Marco
Polo since it even came out I can give you a free pass for plus we all pay for
it and then we give our free passes to our husbands I think we are Marco Polo champs over here.
(19:38):
Literally I think we're sitting here today and like 65 went through really?
I had to text Tanya to be like because she's on a field trip with her son like
everything's okay Because you see like Miss 65, Marco, you just need like a
red light, green light status. Like it's this urgent. Yeah. Yeah.
Anyway, so I've just it's just been a weird time in life right now.
(20:00):
You know, COVID kind of messed with things, too.
So before COVID, I was working full time. Even during COVID,
I worked at a senior retirement community.
OK. So I was locked down. I couldn't spend time with anybody.
So then when everything kind of went away, my husband and I were just like,
hello. Yeah, nothing. No, nothing.
So. Well, and what have it's been a little bit like maybe rediscovering your
(20:23):
relationship together and doing things together?
Because when your kids are young, like, yeah, you just kind of fall into habits.
Yeah. That's one thing, though, that we were really good about.
I'm a very future focused person. So I always think about future me.
So the reason why I started making my bed was because I cared about future me.
The reason why, you know, I just went on a weight loss journey is because I love the future me.
(20:48):
So that's kind of how I, my mantra of my life, like how happy will future Nicole
be? And I want to make sure. Investing in yourself. Yeah.
So I would always be like, listen,
this is forever. These people are not going to live with us forever.
We've got to keep this close because if it's not, that's when you see a lot of divorces.
(21:10):
When all the kids move out, the parents are just like, I don't even know you.
You like I don't even want to be with you yeah yeah so we
we we're very fun people so we
do have fun but I mean my gosh there's only
so much you can handle of another person yeah no my husband is I'm his only
friend and so he likes to spend all his time with me and I have lots of other
(21:32):
friends and so we I feel that yeah yeah but I'm an extrovert so I'm like I'm
dying a little bit every day.
That's interesting. So like when we look at you, right, like us who have little
kids and are in our like late 30s, we're like, you are the dream state.
Like we aspire to be like you.
(21:54):
You can sleep when you want. Yeah. You can blow dry your hair.
You can put on makeup. You can do what you want. Go out on a Thursday night.
You don't have to worry about school.
Like on short notice like this. I mean. This is awesome.
I did this. Yeah. Tonight. And then last night we went to Music Bingo and then went to karaoke.
Was that an Apex? No. Because they did one over there.
(22:14):
Hitsborough the cool town I'm intrigued by music bingo Oh we do it every Wednesday Really?
Yes And then we found out karaoke is like a hop skip and a jump away So we went
to that Oh are you karaoke people?
My husband is Oh oh even more What did he karaoke?
Last night he did mountain music But his go-to song is Devil Went Down to Georgia.
(22:35):
He's not a singer he's an entertainer I was gonna say he's from the south No
he's from the north You said you moved to South Carolina though Yeah.
But we were together already. We met in Rhode Island. Oh, he's from the North. He is. Okay.
We're actually from rival high schools. Oh, interesting.
Yeah. He, I brought him, no, he brought me to our Thanksgiving rival game.
(22:55):
Like our first. The football game? Yeah. And everyone was like,
why are you here with him?
I'm like, we graduated last year. Get over it. Yeah. You're like,
it's over. It's high school. I'm like, come on. So, yeah.
And are your kids local? Like, do they visit? Or what is the relationship with adult children?
So my 18-year-old still lives at home. He's in early college,
(23:15):
so he'll be going to regular college in August.
But, you know, he still lives at home. My middle daughter just moved out two
weeks ago, but she lives down the street and has had my husband over like four
times at least to help with stuff.
And then my oldest and her husband live 15 minutes away, 20 minutes away.
It's nice that they're still close. I feel like you must have definitely done
(23:38):
something right. Like, you're really close. We're very close.
And you still hang out. Like, do you have, like, traditions now? Or they just come over?
So Wednesdays, we all go to Music Bingo together. Oh, it's a whole family thing.
It is. It is. That's so nice. And we love our son-in-law.
He's, like, freaking awesome. We love him. And he's from the North, too.
Nothing against Southern people. No, no. Well, it's so interesting because,
(24:00):
like, I think about it in terms of, like, you had kids young.
You got married young. young and then your daughter got married pretty young because
that's young for this especially this generation oh yeah
right like is that a direct result of like seeing the
success of like what you guys did and wanting to be married young i think so
yes but i for so kira and i are very similar in a lot of ways which is good
(24:22):
and bad but both of us kind of think you know when you find your person you
know you found your person when you find your person you know you found your person, act on it.
Life is not long. You know, life is very short. And if that's what your heart wants, then do it.
So yeah, they got engaged in September and got married in December.
(24:44):
So we planned a whole wedding in three months.
Oh my God. Yeah, it was crazy. I couldn't do it in a year. Yeah, it was crazy.
And my husband was like, listen, if you guys want to wait a year,
you'll get a little bit more money from us. But three months?
And she's like, no, I don't care. i want to get married so
she wanted to start her life and yeah and her dream
(25:04):
is to be a stay-home mom and people always kind of
say things you know that that's your dream that's it i'm like that's it like
you're literally raising the next generation what do you mean that's it so a
little passionate yeah i think that's so important we because we've talked about
in other episodes how like i feel like our parents generation were like that
you don't be a stay-at-home mom you're you
(25:26):
do it all and then do it all have it all and then us
millennials are a little bit like i don't know if i want it all
like right or i have it and i'm exhausted yeah i have it
i'm so tired i would like one thing
could you do that and and then now i think the next generation coming up is
a little bit like you know what i'm good like i'll do one i don't like the boss
(25:47):
babe mottos are gone like it's not about that anymore and they're trying to
like just live to enjoy life a little bit more Yeah. And I love that. Yep. Yep.
So what advice would you give to like a young mom who is out there or chooses to have kids young?
Like if your daughter was like tomorrow was like, I'm pregnant, right?
(26:08):
She's going to be 23 and young still, especially in this generation.
I'm going to say something super cliche that I know, especially millennial moms
hate to hear because it's all over TikTok. Is it live, laugh, love?
No. Good. God, I hate that's the first thing that came to mind.
Oh my gosh, so millennial. No, no, no.
(26:29):
I'm actually an Xennial. So I'm that tiny micro generation. In between, yeah.
Because I'm not so millennial, but I'm not so Gen X. I would definitely say
to savor the moments that are worth savoring.
So like think of future you. Is future you going to care that your kid didn't
get a bath tonight? They're literally not going to care, nor they're going to remember.
(26:51):
But is future you going to remember all of your kids at the park,
just like having a good time and chilling yes you
know so savor those moments that you're going to want to
recall to because it goes so freaking fast and are you sure it goes fast it
goes so fast and that that old that what is it the days are long the days are
(27:12):
long but the years are short yeah nothing is truer nothing is truer it is it
goes by and literally in a blink of an eye,
And I mean, when I still look at my kids, I'm like, how were you this big one
time? You know what I mean?
But they were and now they're not.
So. It's wonderful. We're still just all in shock.
(27:34):
Right. We're like, how do we have kids so young in comparison?
I mean, I was kind of young when I had my first, but not. Not as young. No, I was 25.
Mm-hmm. About to turn 25. Yeah, you had to be 25. I was 27. Yeah.
That tracks. Yeah. Gosh, I was 27 and I had three kids.
(27:55):
Well, I'm saying like in hindsight, I think it would have benefited me to do that.
And we had another guest on another episode talking about being like child-free by choice.
And I'd mentioned then had I waited, I might have made a different decision
because my frontal lobe would have been fully developed.
But also looking back, had I just done it younger, I think I'd be much happier where you're at now.
(28:17):
Yeah. I don't know. You never really know. You get what you get.
Yeah. Yeah. My husband and I... I see so many benefits to like the way that
your timeline has worked out.
I agree with that. Yeah. I think it works for us.
Obviously, it's not the same for everyone. But when my husband and I got together,
we both like started dating because neither of us wanted kids.
(28:38):
That's so funny. I know. Ironic. Wow. We were like, oh, we're going to be great.
We're not going to have kids.
We're just going to move to california and live free and yeah
but that changed it did change oh i
was gonna say it's beautiful you have a beautiful love story beautiful family
story oh thank you appreciate you sharing that yeah absolutely like
i said i'm an open book so yeah so i'm i'm intrigued on the like how you're
(29:03):
gonna like how you feel about not having the the friends or the tribe at this
stage in your life or like is it something you're missing out on or something
you like or like like, no, it's fine. Me and my husband are fine.
No, we're not fine. We actually got into an argument about this last night.
Okay. I mean, our arguments are kind of... At Music Bingo? With the family there?
(29:24):
They weren't there. And just our son-in-law came because the girls didn't come for various reasons.
Yeah. It's funny because 10 years ago, I could have never sat in a room with
other people and say, I don't have any friends.
But now I'm like, I don't care.
There There are other people out there like me who are just in this weird place
in their life and they found themselves like finally, finally like settled and
(29:49):
they're alone, you know, and it really sucks.
I mean, like I said, my closest friend is two hours away and she's very busy.
Her kids are in high school.
So it's not like we can get together ever. Yeah. You know, so it's,
it's really, really hard. It's really hard.
I can imagine, right? Like if I'm an extrovert also, these are my introverted friends.
(30:11):
So just go find yourself some introverted friends. And adopt them.
And adopt them. They won't find you. We like to be adopted. Yes, very much.
That's actually something I want to talk about is when me being an old 43-year-old,
people in their 30s, I'm not saying you got girls, ladies.
We're like late 30s though, okay? Speak for yourself. Oh, shush over there,
(30:34):
youngin'. The youngin'.
They really don't like having friends that are older. Oh, I love having older friends, as clearly.
Not you, but Tanya and you. I'm like, wait, hi now. Is this one?
No, are you the oldest one?
Currently in the room. Yeah, but Tanya's the oldest of the four of us.
We're all two years apart.
So Tanya and then me two years later and then Nicole two years after and then
(30:58):
Ashley two years after. Okay.
Yeah. I don't know. It's really, it's strange because when I was in my 20s,
I had quite a few friends in their 30s and I was loving it. Yeah.
Like, tell me what's the, what's in your head.
But yeah, I don't know. No, there's actually this women's social group all over the country.
Okay. And I was looking at it and
I was like, oh, and there's a bunch of chapters here in North Carolina.
(31:20):
And every photo, they look like they're between 25 and 35.
I'm like, no, I can't. You could totally pass 25 to 35. I agree.
It's not about passing though. But I'm just saying like maybe they are 25 to,
not 25 to 35. They're just like passing. Oh, I see.
I don't know. I'm pretty good. Okay. It was every photo. And these are realistic
(31:42):
photos. It wasn't like my interpretation.
And I actually messaged them. I said, hey, what's the age group?
And they're like, no age limit. I was like, I don't believe you.
Yeah, you're like, actually. Like what the majority is because they probably don't have kids yet.
And you're right. There's definitely at least a decade, maybe two,
where like what your kids are doing, who your kids are hanging out with,
their sports, their schools, like dominate how you spend your time.
(32:06):
And I can imagine there are probably plenty of people,
this group included, that would love to like hang out
more but our schedules are intense yeah and
that's what's hard because mine is not i'm always
like you tell me when you want to get together because my schedule
i don't have one really you know i make my own
so and then it's always crickets because
(32:28):
they're so busy yeah i've tried bumblebee ff is that a thing yeah it's a thing
yeah oh okay well we're gonna going to reach out to listeners listeners how
are you finding friends in your 40s when you don't have kids or your kids are
all grown like tell us what ways you're doing it right so that we can.
(32:48):
Share all the tips and tricks right i mean and you also don't live in like a
community neighborhood either i live because there's like neighborhood bunco
and neighborhood book club oh my gosh i miss bunco just get adopted my god we're
just gonna adopt you into briar chapel because you're close enough that like
you could be a part of briar chapel we'll sneak you into the facebook Facebook group.
They were the address for the woods. As long as Ashley's not running the Facebook
(33:09):
group, you can get it. You can get it. Cause I have a rule follower.
She checks the, like, register the neighborhood together, and she was the admin
of our last neighborhood, and she wouldn't let us in until the day we closed.
Like, she checks the, like, titles.
Mm-hmm. I still do in my current neighborhood, too.
I'm a real follower, too. The number of air duct cleaning scammers I found doing
(33:30):
this, totally worth it. That's fair.
Yeah. But I do think, like, getting a group like that is helpful just to get
started. Or, like, before I had kids, there was a meetup group.
It was called I've Always Wanted to Try That, dot, dot, dot.
That was like the name of the meetup group. And every month it was something
different that people had never done before.
It could be like eating sushi or going salsa dancing or going rock climbing.
(33:53):
And so I didn't go to every month.
But those are the three I did go to. Do you like to dance? That's true.
Because what kind of dance? Salsa. I've never done that. Do you want to learn?
I mean, I've always wanted to try that. I've got quite a good track record of
connecting friendships and romances at Carmen's Cuban Cafe over in Morrisville.
So Jenny's husband owns a salsa dance company.
(34:15):
And so they go every Tuesday. Every Tuesday they have like lessons.
My husband and I are there every Tuesday now. I love that.
That's awesome. We should talk offline more because it's super fun.
Even if you don't dance, just go and like have a mojito and have dinner and
watch the crowd. Everyone's very friendly there.
That is a good place because it's like teenagers all the way up to like folks
(34:37):
in their 80s and 90s. like literally surgeons at Duke and folks who are newly
here, like undocumented and everyone gets along.
Come as you are. It's a really cool scene. Oh, I love that.
Something else that just came to my mind. So let me just preface all this.
I was actually hit by lightning in 2013.
What? So my brain doesn't connect things. Why are we prefacing this? Go on. Wait, what?
(35:00):
I'm sorry. We're going to have to circle back to the hit by lightning. I love it.
My ADHD brain follows is completely so okay good.
I don't remember what I was going to say now. See, there you go.
Prefacing. You got to hit my lightning.
So the reason why I said that is because I'm jumping all over the place.
But when you're my age at 43, okay, and you step into a new group of friends,
(35:23):
women, community, everyone else has already found their people.
So you are literally the new person. I feel like you're making a lot of assumptions there.
There might be a lot of people out there like you who are in this like new space
of time who don't have a tribe.
Yeah. And are looking for those people. Even if they have kids,
(35:44):
maybe they moved here and yeah, or maybe they're newly divorced and they have
certain nights of the week that they're really lonely or maybe they chose not
to have kids. There's so many. Yeah.
We got to get you out more. I know. Listen, I'm trying. I go to the networking thing.
Yeah. I do other things. Being a tourist in your own city and doing the,
like, really corny touristy things.
(36:06):
Like, I want to do the Segway Raleigh tour. Yeah, like, just random things like that.
Yeah. But I'd like, Raleigh's too far. Yeah, true. You can come to Durham.
They laugh. They laugh because I literally tell them all the time,
like, Raleigh's too far. I can't go there. I just target.
It's just hard to make friends far away.
It is. You know? Pittsburgh was where it's at. I've been trying to convince
(36:31):
them all to move to Pittsburgh for like years now.
But the Disney neighborhood might get you. You're not wrong.
You buy me a Disney house right next to your Disney house.
We get a little row of Disney houses. Joint Disney houses. This could be a thing.
I'm not a Disney compound now.
Yeah, I mean. Can you finance it? I'll make it happen.
I mean, I'm trying. Trying. Trying.
(36:51):
And that wraps this week's episode of She Pack Unleashed. We hope you enjoyed
diving into the stories and learning all about Nicole with no H experiences.
Although all the social medias have my name with no H because I'm too lazy to edit it.
But if you enjoyed today's episode, don't forget to subscribe so you never miss
out on our future adventures.
And if you want to stay connected and share your thoughts, you can find us on
(37:12):
social media at ShePackUnleashed.
Thank you for being a part of our pack. Ashley, Jenny, Nicole,
and special guest Nicole. Stay wild and fierce.
Hello, and welcome to SHIPAC Unleashed. I'm one of your hosts, Tanya.
I'm Nicole. Welcome to your weekly dose of candid discussion and the pursuit
of finding your tribe in this journey of motherhood, womanhood, and sisterhood.
I'm Ashley. Join us as we leave no stone unturned. In each episode,
we have heart-to-heart conversations that aim to challenge and empower one another.
I'm Jenny. No more waiting. SHIPAC Unleashed begins now.
(00:27):
In today's episode, the aftermath of parenting young.
Today we have a special guest here on this episode, Nicole.
Another Nicole without an H. Nicole without an H.
So Nicole, do you want to introduce yourself and tell us a little bit about
you? Yes, I am Nicole with no H.
I'm 43 years old. I am married to a guy who I've been with since I was 19.
(00:52):
We have three kids 18 19 and 23 and i'm a freelance producer slash social media
marketer so she's the guru here helping us figure out all the things today i'm
i'm trying to just watch and not interject can you tell we're figuring it out as we go along awesome.
(01:16):
So wait, your kids are 18, 19, and 23.
So they're not, they're, they, they can vote. They're, they're adults.
They do their own thing. My brain cannot even fathom.
Yeah. Each one of them though, are treating adulthood very differently.
My middle daughter who's 19 told us about a concert she's going to.
(01:38):
And my husband and I were like okay and she was like mom and dad didn't even
care and my son who's 18 was like you don't even live here why do you think
about concert don't even live here you don't have to ask permission that's so
funny so a little background we are in a networking group together and i am 37,
(01:58):
i stopped counting i think i'm 38 38 34 34 and our kids are and tanya's 40 and
our oldest kid amongst us is nine.
Yeah. So you are like our golden star out there, like what we hope to aspire
to one day with like. If I could go back all over again.
(02:21):
You would have your kids younger? Oh, yeah.
I don't think I would, but I'm interested to hear like how was the experience
as a young parent? And I think about now, like, I feel like we're relatively
young parents in this generation.
Like, a lot of the friends in
my kids' class are in their mid to late 40s with kids the same age as me.
(02:41):
So I feel like we're, like, the young parents, but, like, not really.
Yeah. Yeah. I mean, having my oldest at 20, I was 25, 26 at parent-teacher conferences,
you know, and it was, you're not taken seriously when you're in your mid-20s.
Yeah and i had three kids at that point so it was lots of challenges our story
(03:06):
is very wide and long and wind winding and precarious so well we'd love to hear the yes you know.
I'm invested we want to hear that i'm gonna drink my wine while i hear this
like amazingness oh gosh well i'm an open book so okay tell me if you need me
to shut it So was it a conscious choice to have kids young? No.
(03:26):
So it could be. No, not at 19. So I moved out at 18, tried community college
for a semester, absolutely hated it, hated everything about school.
And I was like, I can't do this.
So I started working, had three jobs, lived on my own. I lived all by myself
at 18 years old. And it was just amazing.
I remember my first night in my apartment. Actually, it was a trailer.
(03:49):
I ran around the house naked because I could. Oh, my gosh. Oh,
that must have been so satisfying. And, you know, I was young, so.
It like makes me think of the Tom
Cruise movie where he like slides in his underwear. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah.
No, I had nothing. No underwear, nothing. Yeah. So anyway, so I meet my husband
in December of 99. Well, January.
(04:10):
Around that area of 99. And then we went away for Valentine's Day,
and I got pregnant on that trip.
So we knew each other three months. Oh, wow.
Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah. So fast forward, we moved to South Carolina.
So I should have said I'm from Rhode Island originally.
(04:30):
Moved to South Carolina when I was like four months pregnant because we could live with his parents.
It was really not a fantasy life whatsoever. It was very hard and very scary being 19.
And he was 21 at the time. He ended up leaving college and working and it was rough, but we did it.
(04:52):
And I remember people would be like, you know, I can't believe you're going
to be a mom at 20. Like, what are you thinking?
And it made me, it like steeled my resolve to be a stay-at-home mom because I was like,
I'm going to do this and I'm going to do it to the best of my
ability and I'm going to stay home with my kid and I'm going to raise her and
you know whatever and I did I stayed home for 14 years oh wow so the only reason
(05:17):
why I got a job is because I was bored so then I don't know how much detail
you all the detail all the detail we this is like girlfriend hour with wine
I'm over here like oh yeah.
Well, we realized, well, I realized when she was, when Kira,
that's her name, my oldest, when she was about one, I realized I was not loving
(05:41):
what was happening in my life.
I realized that, you know, my now husband was just not, he was,
I don't know, he was being a 22-year-old guy, you know, and I, as the mom, couldn't.
Be the same. You couldn't be the 19, 20 year old free range.
Isn't that so interesting? The men are like, right.
Like life didn't change. So what we had a kid and you're like,
(06:03):
uh, life changed everything. Yeah. It's so funny because he's a totally different person now.
But anyway, so we broke up when my oldest was two and a half and we were not
together for six months because we both kind of realized me more so that we
had fallen in love and stayed in love because of her.
And I was like, kids is not the reason to stay together.
(06:24):
If that's your only reason you're together, you need to do some hard thinking
and hard, you know, self-reflection. Yeah.
So we broke up and then Fleas actually brought us together.
Oh. Like literal Fleas. Literal Fleas. Okay. We fell back in love.
So I was living on my own. He was living on his own. and we had this cat in
(06:47):
my house and she just had fleas.
You literally have to burn the place down. Yeah. I mean, pretty much.
So I brought my daughter to see her dad and he's like, what is on her legs? I'm like, I don't know.
I can't figure out how to get rid of these fleas. And he's like,
okay, no, you're not staying where fleas are and neither is my daughter.
So you guys can stay at my place.
(07:08):
So I was still living the way I was living when I was living with him.
I I was going out. I was partying. I had no plans on getting back together.
We had finally become civil people, separated, you know.
And then, yeah, just being at his house, we kind of just fell in love for each other.
Regardless of if we had a daughter. So yeah, we always say fleas and my drunken 23rd birthday.
(07:33):
That was the, so a couple months before that I went out and I was basically
living my 21 year old life.
Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you couldn't before. Right.
So I was out, I had drank, do you guys know what jungle juice is? Oh yeah. Okay.
I had four full solo cups. up. Stop it. Oh my God.
(07:56):
And then watched fireworks. Lord. That must have been very enlightening and
interesting. It was very pukerific.
Sounds pukerific. I mean, pretty sure jungle juice is one of the few things I've puked on.
Yeah. So I'm laying on the curb and my guy friend is like, what do you want
me to do? Because I drove a manual and nobody there could drive a stick shift.
And he's like, what do you want me to do? I was like, call Chris.
(08:17):
And he's like, your ex? You want me to call your ex? I was like, yeah.
He called him and he's like, hey, she's asking for you.
And he's like, all right, where is she? Like, he came like that. Wow. He came.
Somebody else drove my car, followed us back to the house. And I remember laying
on my couch and I was like, please don't leave. Please don't leave.
And I just like hugged him. And he's like, he's like, this is ridiculous.
(08:38):
He's like, this drunken girl. He's like, and then later when I asked him, he's like, I love you.
Like, that doesn't change whether we're together or not. You know,
so that was like the first, oh, he still really loves me.
So yeah, but Fleas brought us back together. And then we planned another child
because with Kira, we were like, we're done.
We only want one. You know, I was young. I didn't know what I was doing.
(09:00):
And then for some reason, it was like a switch flipped.
And I was like, she needs a sister or a brother. And you were how old then? I was 23.
Okay. Planning on my second. And had you guys gotten married at this point or
no? No. Okay. So we were engaged.
We actually got engaged. This Saturday will be our anniversary of being engaged.
Oh my gosh. Our anniversary is tomorrow.
(09:21):
Is it? Yeah. Very cool. Not that many years, but close. Close.
So we were like, all right, well, let's start. We'll just start.
Who knows how long it'll take us to get pregnant. We started on Christmas Eve
and I got pregnant on Christmas Eve. Wow.
Meant to be again. Yeah. You are fertile myrtle over there.
(09:42):
Wait till I tell you about my son. You just look at you and you're pregnant. Seriously.
So we have Keegan and realizing I got pregnant way faster than I thought,
we're like, we're eloping.
So we eloped to Hawaii wow it was just him and I a couple of idiot kids we had
no idea what we were doing no idea sounds like the best though it was I mean
(10:02):
I was so romantic I was so not oh yeah I was not cute okay yeah pregnant I mean it's a story but,
so we come back we're you know we're married and all that stuff and then I give
birth to Keegan great we got our girls we're done.
Then comes his birthday. And it was enough time after she was born,
(10:26):
we could partake in extracurricular activities.
So for his birthday, we did. And I get pregnant on his birthday.
So three months after my daughter was born, I got my son. Oh, man.
So you're like, bam, bam, bam. Thank you, ma'am. Oh, my goodness. I like PTSD.
I wasn't even close to like ready to have another kid that soon.
I was not either. Yeah. Definitely not a third. Seems to be your theme there. Listen.
(10:52):
Hey, it worked out. I just said it. It really did. Something seems serendipitous about it almost.
Yeah. I can't imagine my life without my son. Yeah. I mean, it's just different.
So, yeah, I remember I will never forget. I went to the doctor and I was like,
hey, you know, I'm not breastfeeding, but I still haven't started my cycle.
Like maybe I need to get on that medicine because there's that medication that
(11:12):
makes you kind of like start.
She's like, all right, we need to do a pregnancy test. I'm like,
we've only done it once. It's fine. She goes, once is enough.
I'm like, no, no, no. I've taken lots of tests. It's negative. It's fine.
So then I remember picking up the phone the next morning, looking at Keegan,
a three-month-old in her car seat, picking up the phone at 8.38 AM because we
had like the caller ID thing and it was my doctor.
(11:33):
Hey, you're pregnant again.
I probably would have like fallen over, right? I literally just stared at Keegan
and like, I think like a tear like came down my face and I'm I'm like, no, no.
She's like, Nicole, what did I tell you? So Keegan's birth was actually very traumatic.
I almost died. So she really was like, please don't have any more kids right
(11:57):
now. You need, your body needs to heal.
So she was not happy with me. Yeah.
Caleb's birth was fine, but yeah, it was, he came along and we were done,
done. So he was born in October.
My husband had a vasectomy. Oh yeah. Thank God.
A week before New Year's Eve. And I was like, this is not
happening until that happens yeah so yeah
(12:19):
my mom worked at the at the urology office so she was
like um he needs to come in again for his sample oh that's good he needs to
come in again for his sample oh my god my husband has a head of vasectomy as
yours yeah did they do the samples yes no neither one of my my abs have not
done the samples absolutely wait why because they're are bad lazy men.
(12:41):
Well, all you have to do is say you're not coming here until that's done.
That's also a punishment for me.
I think you'd be able to hold out more than he could. Probably not. Yeah, probably not.
Probably not. Yeah. Well, I had to use that and it worked.
So yeah. Yeah. New Year's Eve, he had a bag of frozen peas on his crotch.
(13:03):
I love it. I love it. But that was a long time ago. I'm still stuck on your kids are 18.
19 and 23. Yep. And her 23-year-old is married. Mm-hmm.
So she's like one married off. Yeah, she's like a heartbeat away from a grandparent.
So I imagine that was really hard, like as a young mom. And I used to be a teacher.
I knew some young, even younger moms.
(13:24):
That side of it, I think, is a story I've heard.
But on the flip side of that, now that they're older, like what is life like for you now?
It's hard to explain because it's amazing.
It's sad. But it's amazing.
But it's sad. Like there's just so many. The other day, my husband and I were
(13:44):
in the house, and he's on his recliner. I'm on the couch, and I'm like, what are we going to do?
Like, sit in silence. Yeah, like we can't travel every day.
I mean, you can. I mean, we could, but this crowd will tell you you can.
Yeah. We'd live in a cardboard box if we did that.
But yeah, we just, you know, you got to learn new hobbies.
(14:05):
I started gardening. I have a greenhouse now, and my first thing plant sprouted
today. Oh my God, potato sprouts.
I was so excited. I'm like, I'm so sad. Are you still working? I just do freelance.
Yeah. On like your own time when you want to. Okay. Yeah. I sat at a brewery
in Pittsburgh today and just worked.
That's awesome. Yeah, it's pretty great. So yeah, it's just different.
(14:30):
You know, it's, I don't know, it's hard to explain.
Because then I think back of, you know, how it was back then.
I'm like, man, I could be such a great mom now.
But then I'm like, no, I was a really, really good mom.
Like, it doesn't matter my age. I was a good mom. And like my oldest wants a,
we always say she wants a fleet of children.
And everybody says it's because you were such a good mom that she wants to like
(14:53):
do that. I'm like, okay, I'll take it. Yeah.
And your relationship, you're still together. Yeah. That's impressive.
We definitely beat odds that are so minuscule.
Yeah. When Kira was, like, middle school-ish and people knew that she was the
age she was and then I was the age I was.
(15:15):
And then you had the two, we called them the littles, back-to-back, really close.
They always assumed Kira was not Chris's daughter.
Oh, interesting. No, no. It's the same dad.
So. Did you, like, love to say that to people that gave you that smart math?
I did because, like, we were talking earlier. people
just have the audacity to just say whatever and say
(15:35):
and question things I'm like where did that come
make them explain it seriously why did you say
that like I would have responded back with
something like outrageous mm-hmm yeah I think I was just tired now yeah for
sure but back then I was just tired I mean I can imagine I'm tired now and I
only have two and I'm older and like have more resources and things at my disposal
(15:58):
yeah oh my probably did at 19 my gosh Gosh,
I look at, so I go on TikTok and I scroll and I'm looking at these parents with these newborns.
I'm like, if I had a quarter of the things that newborn parents have now,
right, my life would have been so much easier.
Even postpartum depression and all of that, it was, so my doctor actually talked
(16:18):
to my husband when I was pregnant to show, like to talk about the signs,
but that was not the norm. That just happened to be that doctor.
But even back then, there was no resources there was
nothing you know well and thinking about like female friendships
right all of us sort of became friends at the
beginning because our kids are at the same age and we
(16:39):
were in the same sort of like kid group stuff what was that like for you at
that like were there anybody like in the same boat or around the same age or
anybody you can really relate to in that season of life i did have a group of
women trying to how how pc you're going to be about this one.
Let's just say we all went on vacation together. And you know what happens when
(17:02):
you have a bunch of women go on vacation together. It could go good or bad. Yeah, it went bad.
But I did have a group and I did have a small number of friends who,
you know, we were there for each other.
Were they similar age to you or their kids were the similar age to yours? Both.
Okay. Yeah. That's great. I ended up finding a small group of younger moms,
but it didn't last. So...
(17:27):
Well, that's interesting. We did a whole episode on traveling and traveling
with your friends and like how that can go well or not, you know.
And thinking back to like when I was 20, it probably would not have gone well.
That's what I was going to say. Like you're still such a baby yourself and your
brain is still literally developing.
Like, of course, you have different friends now. Yeah.
(17:48):
Yeah. But we just moved to this area in 2016. And at that point,
the kids were in middle school and high school.
And at that point, I didn't meet other moms because you kind of meet when they're
in elementary school. There's really no reason for you to meet.
Like dating. You had daughters. Yeah. Why is there like no reason to meet other parents?
(18:08):
We're not there yet. So we're curious. So the only way that I could see that
happening was through sports.
And the only sports kid we had was our middle daughter. She did basketball.
But it was just, I don't know. no, we just never clicked with anybody,
you know, and they were always so much younger than us or so much. Yeah. So much younger.
(18:30):
So now or so much older. Yeah. So much older. But now, you know, I'm 43. My husband's 45.
We're in a season of life now where our kids are almost flown and grown in and out. Hello.
Hello. Well, then how are you finding like, what is your tribe look like now
or your friend group looking now? Like you don't have kids that like tie you together necessarily.
(18:53):
I don't have one, which is how we started this conversation at the networking.
Yeah. I was saying that I don't have a group anymore.
I have one very close friend, but she lives two hours away. So we use Marco
Polo to keep in touch. We love that. We are like Marco Polo. Premium subscribers.
Premium subscribers. Get us like in to have some product. Right.
I just became an ambassador for Marco Polo. No way.
(19:16):
It passed you down. I'm sorry. I got excited. Oh my Lord.
Do not attack me with you but we need to figure that out we've been using Marco
Polo since it even came out I can give you a free pass for plus we all pay for
it and then we give our free passes to our husbands I think we are Marco Polo champs over here.
(19:38):
Literally I think we're sitting here today and like 65 went through really?
I had to text Tanya to be like because she's on a field trip with her son like
everything's okay Because you see like Miss 65, Marco, you just need like a
red light, green light status. Like it's this urgent. Yeah. Yeah.
Anyway, so I've just it's just been a weird time in life right now.
(20:00):
You know, COVID kind of messed with things, too.
So before COVID, I was working full time. Even during COVID,
I worked at a senior retirement community.
OK. So I was locked down. I couldn't spend time with anybody.
So then when everything kind of went away, my husband and I were just like,
hello. Yeah, nothing. No, nothing.
So. Well, and what have it's been a little bit like maybe rediscovering your
(20:23):
relationship together and doing things together?
Because when your kids are young, like, yeah, you just kind of fall into habits.
Yeah. That's one thing, though, that we were really good about.
I'm a very future focused person. So I always think about future me.
So the reason why I started making my bed was because I cared about future me.
The reason why, you know, I just went on a weight loss journey is because I love the future me.
(20:48):
So that's kind of how I, my mantra of my life, like how happy will future Nicole
be? And I want to make sure. Investing in yourself. Yeah.
So I would always be like, listen,
this is forever. These people are not going to live with us forever.
We've got to keep this close because if it's not, that's when you see a lot of divorces.
(21:10):
When all the kids move out, the parents are just like, I don't even know you.
You like I don't even want to be with you yeah yeah so we
we we're very fun people so we
do have fun but I mean my gosh there's only
so much you can handle of another person yeah no my husband is I'm his only
friend and so he likes to spend all his time with me and I have lots of other
(21:32):
friends and so we I feel that yeah yeah but I'm an extrovert so I'm like I'm
dying a little bit every day.
That's interesting. So like when we look at you, right, like us who have little
kids and are in our like late 30s, we're like, you are the dream state.
Like we aspire to be like you.
(21:54):
You can sleep when you want. Yeah. You can blow dry your hair.
You can put on makeup. You can do what you want. Go out on a Thursday night.
You don't have to worry about school.
Like on short notice like this. I mean. This is awesome.
I did this. Yeah. Tonight. And then last night we went to Music Bingo and then went to karaoke.
Was that an Apex? No. Because they did one over there.
(22:14):
Hitsborough the cool town I'm intrigued by music bingo Oh we do it every Wednesday Really?
Yes And then we found out karaoke is like a hop skip and a jump away So we went
to that Oh are you karaoke people?
My husband is Oh oh even more What did he karaoke?
Last night he did mountain music But his go-to song is Devil Went Down to Georgia.
(22:35):
He's not a singer he's an entertainer I was gonna say he's from the south No
he's from the north You said you moved to South Carolina though Yeah.
But we were together already. We met in Rhode Island. Oh, he's from the North. He is. Okay.
We're actually from rival high schools. Oh, interesting.
Yeah. He, I brought him, no, he brought me to our Thanksgiving rival game.
(22:55):
Like our first. The football game? Yeah. And everyone was like,
why are you here with him?
I'm like, we graduated last year. Get over it. Yeah. You're like,
it's over. It's high school. I'm like, come on. So, yeah.
And are your kids local? Like, do they visit? Or what is the relationship with adult children?
So my 18-year-old still lives at home. He's in early college,
(23:15):
so he'll be going to regular college in August.
But, you know, he still lives at home. My middle daughter just moved out two
weeks ago, but she lives down the street and has had my husband over like four
times at least to help with stuff.
And then my oldest and her husband live 15 minutes away, 20 minutes away.
It's nice that they're still close. I feel like you must have definitely done
(23:38):
something right. Like, you're really close. We're very close.
And you still hang out. Like, do you have, like, traditions now? Or they just come over?
So Wednesdays, we all go to Music Bingo together. Oh, it's a whole family thing.
It is. It is. That's so nice. And we love our son-in-law.
He's, like, freaking awesome. We love him. And he's from the North, too.
Nothing against Southern people. No, no. Well, it's so interesting because,
(24:00):
like, I think about it in terms of, like, you had kids young.
You got married young. young and then your daughter got married pretty young because
that's young for this especially this generation oh yeah
right like is that a direct result of like seeing the
success of like what you guys did and wanting to be married young i think so
yes but i for so kira and i are very similar in a lot of ways which is good
(24:22):
and bad but both of us kind of think you know when you find your person you
know you found your person when you find your person you know you found your person, act on it.
Life is not long. You know, life is very short. And if that's what your heart wants, then do it.
So yeah, they got engaged in September and got married in December.
(24:44):
So we planned a whole wedding in three months.
Oh my God. Yeah, it was crazy. I couldn't do it in a year. Yeah, it was crazy.
And my husband was like, listen, if you guys want to wait a year,
you'll get a little bit more money from us. But three months?
And she's like, no, I don't care. i want to get married so
she wanted to start her life and yeah and her dream
(25:04):
is to be a stay-home mom and people always kind of
say things you know that that's your dream that's it i'm like that's it like
you're literally raising the next generation what do you mean that's it so a
little passionate yeah i think that's so important we because we've talked about
in other episodes how like i feel like our parents generation were like that
you don't be a stay-at-home mom you're you
(25:26):
do it all and then do it all have it all and then us
millennials are a little bit like i don't know if i want it all
like right or i have it and i'm exhausted yeah i have it
i'm so tired i would like one thing
could you do that and and then now i think the next generation coming up is
a little bit like you know what i'm good like i'll do one i don't like the boss
(25:47):
babe mottos are gone like it's not about that anymore and they're trying to
like just live to enjoy life a little bit more Yeah. And I love that. Yep. Yep.
So what advice would you give to like a young mom who is out there or chooses to have kids young?
Like if your daughter was like tomorrow was like, I'm pregnant, right?
(26:08):
She's going to be 23 and young still, especially in this generation.
I'm going to say something super cliche that I know, especially millennial moms
hate to hear because it's all over TikTok. Is it live, laugh, love?
No. Good. God, I hate that's the first thing that came to mind.
Oh my gosh, so millennial. No, no, no.
(26:29):
I'm actually an Xennial. So I'm that tiny micro generation. In between, yeah.
Because I'm not so millennial, but I'm not so Gen X. I would definitely say
to savor the moments that are worth savoring.
So like think of future you. Is future you going to care that your kid didn't
get a bath tonight? They're literally not going to care, nor they're going to remember.
(26:51):
But is future you going to remember all of your kids at the park,
just like having a good time and chilling yes you
know so savor those moments that you're going to want to
recall to because it goes so freaking fast and are you sure it goes fast it
goes so fast and that that old that what is it the days are long the days are
(27:12):
long but the years are short yeah nothing is truer nothing is truer it is it
goes by and literally in a blink of an eye,
And I mean, when I still look at my kids, I'm like, how were you this big one
time? You know what I mean?
But they were and now they're not.
So. It's wonderful. We're still just all in shock.
(27:34):
Right. We're like, how do we have kids so young in comparison?
I mean, I was kind of young when I had my first, but not. Not as young. No, I was 25.
Mm-hmm. About to turn 25. Yeah, you had to be 25. I was 27. Yeah.
That tracks. Yeah. Gosh, I was 27 and I had three kids.
(27:55):
Well, I'm saying like in hindsight, I think it would have benefited me to do that.
And we had another guest on another episode talking about being like child-free by choice.
And I'd mentioned then had I waited, I might have made a different decision
because my frontal lobe would have been fully developed.
But also looking back, had I just done it younger, I think I'd be much happier where you're at now.
(28:17):
Yeah. I don't know. You never really know. You get what you get.
Yeah. Yeah. My husband and I... I see so many benefits to like the way that
your timeline has worked out.
I agree with that. Yeah. I think it works for us.
Obviously, it's not the same for everyone. But when my husband and I got together,
we both like started dating because neither of us wanted kids.
(28:38):
That's so funny. I know. Ironic. Wow. We were like, oh, we're going to be great.
We're not going to have kids.
We're just going to move to california and live free and yeah
but that changed it did change oh i
was gonna say it's beautiful you have a beautiful love story beautiful family
story oh thank you appreciate you sharing that yeah absolutely like
i said i'm an open book so yeah so i'm i'm intrigued on the like how you're
(29:03):
gonna like how you feel about not having the the friends or the tribe at this
stage in your life or like is it something you're missing out on or something
you like or like like, no, it's fine. Me and my husband are fine.
No, we're not fine. We actually got into an argument about this last night.
Okay. I mean, our arguments are kind of... At Music Bingo? With the family there?
(29:24):
They weren't there. And just our son-in-law came because the girls didn't come for various reasons.
Yeah. It's funny because 10 years ago, I could have never sat in a room with
other people and say, I don't have any friends.
But now I'm like, I don't care.
There There are other people out there like me who are just in this weird place
in their life and they found themselves like finally, finally like settled and
(29:49):
they're alone, you know, and it really sucks.
I mean, like I said, my closest friend is two hours away and she's very busy.
Her kids are in high school.
So it's not like we can get together ever. Yeah. You know, so it's,
it's really, really hard. It's really hard.
I can imagine, right? Like if I'm an extrovert also, these are my introverted friends.
(30:11):
So just go find yourself some introverted friends. And adopt them.
And adopt them. They won't find you. We like to be adopted. Yes, very much.
That's actually something I want to talk about is when me being an old 43-year-old,
people in their 30s, I'm not saying you got girls, ladies.
We're like late 30s though, okay? Speak for yourself. Oh, shush over there,
(30:34):
youngin'. The youngin'.
They really don't like having friends that are older. Oh, I love having older friends, as clearly.
Not you, but Tanya and you. I'm like, wait, hi now. Is this one?
No, are you the oldest one?
Currently in the room. Yeah, but Tanya's the oldest of the four of us.
We're all two years apart.
So Tanya and then me two years later and then Nicole two years after and then
(30:58):
Ashley two years after. Okay.
Yeah. I don't know. It's really, it's strange because when I was in my 20s,
I had quite a few friends in their 30s and I was loving it. Yeah.
Like, tell me what's the, what's in your head.
But yeah, I don't know. No, there's actually this women's social group all over the country.
Okay. And I was looking at it and
I was like, oh, and there's a bunch of chapters here in North Carolina.
(31:20):
And every photo, they look like they're between 25 and 35.
I'm like, no, I can't. You could totally pass 25 to 35. I agree.
It's not about passing though. But I'm just saying like maybe they are 25 to,
not 25 to 35. They're just like passing. Oh, I see.
I don't know. I'm pretty good. Okay. It was every photo. And these are realistic
(31:42):
photos. It wasn't like my interpretation.
And I actually messaged them. I said, hey, what's the age group?
And they're like, no age limit. I was like, I don't believe you.
Yeah, you're like, actually. Like what the majority is because they probably don't have kids yet.
And you're right. There's definitely at least a decade, maybe two,
where like what your kids are doing, who your kids are hanging out with,
their sports, their schools, like dominate how you spend your time.
(32:06):
And I can imagine there are probably plenty of people,
this group included, that would love to like hang out
more but our schedules are intense yeah and
that's what's hard because mine is not i'm always
like you tell me when you want to get together because my schedule
i don't have one really you know i make my own
so and then it's always crickets because
(32:28):
they're so busy yeah i've tried bumblebee ff is that a thing yeah it's a thing
yeah oh okay well we're gonna going to reach out to listeners listeners how
are you finding friends in your 40s when you don't have kids or your kids are
all grown like tell us what ways you're doing it right so that we can.
(32:48):
Share all the tips and tricks right i mean and you also don't live in like a
community neighborhood either i live because there's like neighborhood bunco
and neighborhood book club oh my gosh i miss bunco just get adopted my god we're
just gonna adopt you into briar chapel because you're close enough that like
you could be a part of briar chapel we'll sneak you into the facebook Facebook group.
They were the address for the woods. As long as Ashley's not running the Facebook
(33:09):
group, you can get it. You can get it. Cause I have a rule follower.
She checks the, like, register the neighborhood together, and she was the admin
of our last neighborhood, and she wouldn't let us in until the day we closed.
Like, she checks the, like, titles.
Mm-hmm. I still do in my current neighborhood, too.
I'm a real follower, too. The number of air duct cleaning scammers I found doing
(33:30):
this, totally worth it. That's fair.
Yeah. But I do think, like, getting a group like that is helpful just to get
started. Or, like, before I had kids, there was a meetup group.
It was called I've Always Wanted to Try That, dot, dot, dot.
That was like the name of the meetup group. And every month it was something
different that people had never done before.
It could be like eating sushi or going salsa dancing or going rock climbing.
(33:53):
And so I didn't go to every month.
But those are the three I did go to. Do you like to dance? That's true.
Because what kind of dance? Salsa. I've never done that. Do you want to learn?
I mean, I've always wanted to try that. I've got quite a good track record of
connecting friendships and romances at Carmen's Cuban Cafe over in Morrisville.
So Jenny's husband owns a salsa dance company.
(34:15):
And so they go every Tuesday. Every Tuesday they have like lessons.
My husband and I are there every Tuesday now. I love that.
That's awesome. We should talk offline more because it's super fun.
Even if you don't dance, just go and like have a mojito and have dinner and
watch the crowd. Everyone's very friendly there.
That is a good place because it's like teenagers all the way up to like folks
(34:37):
in their 80s and 90s. like literally surgeons at Duke and folks who are newly
here, like undocumented and everyone gets along.
Come as you are. It's a really cool scene. Oh, I love that.
Something else that just came to my mind. So let me just preface all this.
I was actually hit by lightning in 2013.
What? So my brain doesn't connect things. Why are we prefacing this? Go on. Wait, what?
(35:00):
I'm sorry. We're going to have to circle back to the hit by lightning. I love it.
My ADHD brain follows is completely so okay good.
I don't remember what I was going to say now. See, there you go.
Prefacing. You got to hit my lightning.
So the reason why I said that is because I'm jumping all over the place.
But when you're my age at 43, okay, and you step into a new group of friends,
(35:23):
women, community, everyone else has already found their people.
So you are literally the new person. I feel like you're making a lot of assumptions there.
There might be a lot of people out there like you who are in this like new space
of time who don't have a tribe.
Yeah. And are looking for those people. Even if they have kids,
(35:44):
maybe they moved here and yeah, or maybe they're newly divorced and they have
certain nights of the week that they're really lonely or maybe they chose not
to have kids. There's so many. Yeah.
We got to get you out more. I know. Listen, I'm trying. I go to the networking thing.
Yeah. I do other things. Being a tourist in your own city and doing the,
like, really corny touristy things.
(36:06):
Like, I want to do the Segway Raleigh tour. Yeah, like, just random things like that.
Yeah. But I'd like, Raleigh's too far. Yeah, true. You can come to Durham.
They laugh. They laugh because I literally tell them all the time,
like, Raleigh's too far. I can't go there. I just target.
It's just hard to make friends far away.
It is. You know? Pittsburgh was where it's at. I've been trying to convince
(36:31):
them all to move to Pittsburgh for like years now.
But the Disney neighborhood might get you. You're not wrong.
You buy me a Disney house right next to your Disney house.
We get a little row of Disney houses. Joint Disney houses. This could be a thing.
I'm not a Disney compound now.
Yeah, I mean. Can you finance it? I'll make it happen.
I mean, I'm trying. Trying. Trying.
(36:51):
And that wraps this week's episode of She Pack Unleashed. We hope you enjoyed
diving into the stories and learning all about Nicole with no H experiences.
Although all the social medias have my name with no H because I'm too lazy to edit it.
But if you enjoyed today's episode, don't forget to subscribe so you never miss
out on our future adventures.
And if you want to stay connected and share your thoughts, you can find us on
(37:12):
social media at ShePackUnleashed.
Thank you for being a part of our pack. Ashley, Jenny, Nicole,
and special guest Nicole. Stay wild and fierce.
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