September 17, 2024 • 39 mins
Welcome back to Shepack Unleashed. In this episode, titled "The Entitlement Epidemic: Parenting in the Age of Me," your hosts Tania, Nichole, Ashley, and Jenny dive deep into the challenges of modern parenting. They explore the growing sense of entitlement among children and how it manifests in day-to-day life, from summer vacations to household responsibilities.
The discussion touches on personal anecdotes, such as the struggle with consumerism, balancing privilege with gratitude, and the unique challenges of raising both boys and girls in this environment. The hosts also share their thoughts on the influence of cultural differences and the importance of exposing children to various life experiences to help them appreciate what they have.
Join the conversation as they seek to find practical solutions and share tips on how to help children develop a sense of gratitude and responsibility. Don't miss out on this heartfelt and candid discussion that aims to empower parents in their journey of raising well-rounded and appreciative individuals.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:02):
Hello, and welcome to SHIPAC Unleashed. I'm one of your hosts, Tanya.
I'm Nicole. Welcome to your weekly dose of candid discussion and the pursuit
of finding your tribe in this journey of motherhood, womanhood, and sisterhood.
I'm Ashley. Join us as we leave no stone unturned. In each episode,
we have heart-to-heart conversations that aim to challenge and empower one another.
I'm Jenny. No more waiting. SHIPAC Unleashed begins now.
(00:26):
Welcome back, SHIPAC. In this episode, the entitlement epidemic,
parenting in the age of me.
Music.
We're back, you guys. We're back. Yay, happy summer, happy fall.
(00:50):
Oh yeah, happy fall. Hopefully it's cooler where you are. Right?
Right. I think we all had a great summer and we'll be sharing about that quite a bit.
So before we get started, I want to just acknowledge the privilege that our
kids have and that we have to do the things that we do and spend the money that we do.
And I think that kind of adds up to some of this entitlement that we're seeing.
Yes, but not all of it, right? We're talking about entitlement as kids in terms
(01:13):
of just not just the privilege of like the entitlement they're having on the
traveling one, which would be the experience I share,
but it just like the day-to-day day where these kids think that we should serve
them and everything is handed to them on a silver pot or an instant gratification.
Coming off summertime and having a lot of quality time together,
I think really brought some of this to the forefront.
Like this is not new, at least in my household, right? Like the things that
(01:34):
I can certainly talk about, but it crystallizes that really well when you live
it day to day to day to day when they're out of school.
Yeah, the out of school piece I think matters. There's no outside references
to other peers and what they've got going on. So very in your own bubble.
It does make me wonder like how much of this is their lived experience or our
parenting versus just like developmentally appropriate.
(01:57):
I don't know if I ever act like this at this age, I would have gotten my ass handed to me.
You didn't have these opportunities at your age. No, but like I was pretty spoiled.
Like I don't know that I had the opportunities or the trips, but like I remember.
Getting what I wanted when I wanted it as a young child, not when I got older.
But maybe that's just my lived experience perception. Like it might not even
(02:19):
be real, right? Can you trust a nine-year-old memory?
Nine-year-old's memory. I think you can. It wasn't nine years ago.
Our kids are nine. So like, are they unreliable narrators? I don't know.
How does this show up for you, Nicole?
I think so this summer we went on a lot of trips, right? I will preface that
with like, we were super lucky. We went on all the places. We had like a week
long in Florida to visit family.
(02:41):
We went to Mexico for a week. We went to New Hampshire for a weekend.
Like we did a lot of traveling this summer because it's important to me and
a value my husband and I, well, I'd say mostly me, but like my husband comes along with that we like.
And, you know, maybe it's because that's my thing and I want to like give that
to my kids because I didn't have that same experience. Sure.
(03:03):
But my kids are so ungrateful about it, right
like we went to a week-long trip in mexico at
a five-star resort in premium levels where
like they got everything they wanted and we were vip
right spent a lot of money to go on this trip and they were
just like do we have to go to the pool today wow do
we have to do like dinner or why do i have to put on like nice clothes for dinner
(03:25):
and like just the total entitlement of
it what did they want to do they wanted to play
on their switches right they wanted to sit
in the the hotel room play video games or they were like you know
that's hard because it's their vacation too so you
might want to let them do some of it
but I get I know I get what you mean like it's this is all they've ever known
(03:48):
right so how do they have anything to compare it to yes yeah but we are very
like we're not ones to sit there and say like oh this is like easy we talk about
how much trips cost we talk about like how we work really hard for them we talk
about that all clearly with them.
And then they got back. And the thing that like really peeped me was we got
back and my parents took them for a weekend day thing.
(04:09):
They take them like every other weekend to go do something fun with the grandparents.
And they went to like Sky Zone and were jumping.
And my parents were like, well, how was your trip? And-
Miles was like, I don't know, can we just not go on so many trips?
Like, I would like to travel so much.
Okay, so I have two thoughts about that. First of all, being like, take us instead.
(04:29):
We'll be grateful. The other part of me to play devil's advocate,
right, is like, traveling is one of your love languages and ways that you connect
with your family and with the world around you and
how you also decompress right and maybe
traveling is just not theirs i i
agree also your travel was rife with a hurricane and delays and other things
(04:55):
that can make traveling harder so like i wonder if some of those might have
overshadowed in their brain like the fun that they had i don't know i don't
know none of that was like affected when their conversation of like Like,
do we have to go to the pool again today?
Like, we were at a five-star. Like, while you were there. Yeah,
while we're there. Yeah, that hurts to hear. Why do we have to go to the pool?
Well, what do you want to do? I just want to, like, rest.
(05:18):
So it's funny, right? Like, our rest is sitting by the pool reading our Kindle, right?
For them, their rest, my son at least, I'll speak for him, would be sitting
in the hotel room where it's air-conditioned and playing with his Switch and,
like, decompressing, right?
And so some of this is the entitlement piece, right? To take for granted where
they're going, what they're doing, how much it costs.
(05:40):
But then also, you have to factor in how they recharge, how they rest,
and allow for them to have a different way.
Because they are kids, and they are different people.
Yeah, totally agree if it was just this. But it's more than this. Okay, fair.
It's also like, they went to tennis camp for a week. It was a half-day tennis
(06:02):
camp. And I'm like, ugh, do we have to go to tennis camp?
That they asked for. That they asked for. Yeah, it's the asking for it part.
And I'm like, ugh, I don't want to go. I'm just too tired.
And I'm like, what are you tired from? Your life is a vacation.
They're growing. They're growing. That's work.
Okay. I want to switch spots with them. Want to do a Parent Trap episode?
For sure. Not Parent Trap. The one with Lindsay Lohan.
(06:24):
Yeah, let's switch. It's not Parent Trap, but I know what you mean.
Wacky. Freaky Friday. Freaky Friday. And I want to be a DePippo kid.
I want to be a different person. I want to be a different person.
Here's my application. Right. And that they just have little like,
so it's kind of like, okay, so do I just leave them home next time?
But how much is it? And I know I don't want to poke the bear because we did a whole episode on this,
(06:47):
but like how much is it the screens and maybe like a dopamine addiction to the
Switch and the games versus like truly wanting to, like for me,
is the screen a regulation tool?
Is the screen being, like, over-dependent upon from, like, a regulation tool
or, like, you know, because it uses so much of their brain, even though it looks
(07:08):
like they're sitting in still as a parent, like, it uses a lot of their brain to do. Oh, I agree.
And, like, how much of it is related to that kind of…,
desire to not be too far away or to do that more versus like
I would have a different response if they were like I just want
to like play in the backyard or I just want to like read a book and
maybe that's my bias showing yeah I agree I
(07:28):
think it is this green thing it's their total addiction to it especially in
the summer when they have more access to it because we're not in school because
we have more leniency although they still have limited times right like they
only have an hour on their computers on YouTube and only two hours on switch
a day before it shuts down I I changed to the Jenny method where it turns off.
(07:48):
Welcome to the dark side. It's actually my favorite. It's nice.
The cruise has started finally planning. Like it took a long time,
but he'll be like, oh, I shouldn't play this morning. I want to play later with
Ryan. Oh, yeah. Calvin does that too.
Yeah. Well, and this was the first time it was also like, I want to hang out with my friend.
Like I want to be home to hang out with my friend. Like why?
Like I want to play with my friend or whatever. And I was like,
(08:09):
we're on vacation in Mexico.
What are you talking about? That's when you just look at them and say,
okay, bet. Next time it'll just be dad and I. Like, seriously.
And so it makes me constantly like, but then I know they'd be upset if we left without them.
Or even like, we planned a dolphin excursion, okay, to ride with the dolphins.
And they were just like so nonchalant about it. Like, I don't know if I want
(08:32):
to do that. Do we really have to do that?
You have to swim with dolphins. I'm like literally like, yikes.
So what are you going to do about it? You know, I don't know because the thing is, is that right?
Like each one of us, I think I'm speaking to all of us, want to give our kids
more than what we have. For sure. Yes.
And with that, there is this problem of they don't know any different.
(08:57):
Like they don't know the absence of it? Right. Like they have no concept of
that like, hey, we don't live in a – like how would you not live in a big house with my own room?
And like I grew up sharing a room with my sisters. Like they don't even understand that, right?
Or how do we not be able to afford the things we want to do?
Like I want to do horseback riding. It's not even a question that I get to do that, right?
(09:19):
So like – and we do all the things. We teach them about money.
They have like money they earn from school.
They got bonuses at the end of the year for their grades improvements.
And like, we do all those things, but how do you really work through this?
Like, it's all they ever know.
Yeah. Until they, they move out and I'm going on vacation and you want to come, you better pay.
I wonder how much of it is exposing them and then letting them choose.
(09:40):
Because they're trying it and you're giving them the opportunity doesn't mean
they're going to like it just because they're trying it. Yeah.
I also think I was thinking of exposure differently of like,
maybe they're starting to get old enough that we could think about or do some
research on like, could we volunteer?
Could we give back some way? Could we, there was one year we went around and
helped prepackage meals for Thanksgiving and Beto and we delivered it to the
(10:04):
families because a lot of the families didn't speak English.
And that was really impactful for crews to see.
Made me a little nervous if I'm being really honest, but like,
I wonder if and when do we start thinking about those types of experiences to
help them like kind of anchor and.
I don't know, the reality. A concrete example, right, for the horse riding lessons.
If there's an opportunity for them to help volunteer at the barn and to help
(10:26):
muck stalls and to help feed the horses.
Like, the things that go into maintaining the environment for the horses so
that he has the ability and the privilege to ride.
Yep. But, like, he has to actually get more involved. I don't know.
I could ask that. And, I mean, obviously, from a liability standpoint,
that may or may not be possible. Yeah. But, like, anyone can shovel poop.
(10:47):
Yeah. I think when we looked at volunteering earlier on, they weren't old enough to like, yeah, right.
Eligible to go. And then I still do have the five-year-old. So yeah, same.
It's not, but I do agree. Like we have to give them and we talk about it.
We've got books about it.
Like we do donations, we do food drives, like we volunteer at their school for
things for other people.
I just think it's the age of how like pre pre teeny.
(11:10):
Everything's about me. Everything's hard too. Cause I feel like it's currently,
currently at least from my perspective we want to empower our kids to be like yes you deserve.
Opportunities right and what you do with those opportunities is up to you but
like we want to empower them to like seize those opportunities and to feel to
(11:30):
feel worth and worthy of them but then like it feels like it just keeps going
to the extreme and it's like wait you don't deserve
it all, though, like outright. You just deserve the opportunity.
Earn the opportunity, right? I think some that's the developmental piece.
So like you were saying, Jenny, how much is developmental?
(11:51):
They're all, the older ones at least, are on the cusp of that period of time
where they're differentiating from their parents.
So they're really like developing their sense of self right now.
So if they're thinking of me, me, me, to me, that makes sense.
They're trying to figure out who they are before they like branch off to be their true own person.
Yeah. And I think we're getting to the point where like Like,
Evan distinguishes now, like, to my husband, like, he's his best friend in the family.
(12:16):
Oh, not his best friend, but his best friend in the family. And my husband's
like, what do you mean? How's Steve taking that?
Not well, if we're being honest. He's like, huh, what?
So I think it shows up in other places besides travel too, right?
Like this is just an example from our summer travels. Well, so the opposite
in my mind, maybe not opposite, right?
But the mirror of that for me, where I feel this pain point the most is in the day-to-day, right?
(12:42):
So, you know, we do take some trips, but our son seems to appreciate the trips
when we go, you know, and things like that.
But it's the day-to-day, like literally making lunch, making dinner.
Our son is so removed and absent from that process. And that's on us, right?
We did not instill habits from an early enough age that like,
(13:05):
it is your job to make everyone's water or drink glasses for the table or whatever.
And I've tried and I feel like I'm always trying to get those things going,
but then I feel like sometimes I'm the only one who like makes sure that it happens.
My husband is the cook most often in our family, right? Like 75% of the time
(13:26):
he's probably making the meals.
So he's busy doing those things, right? And so no No one is following up after
our son to make sure that he contributes.
And it's getting more and more of a pain point for me that I'm like, I get bitter about it.
Seeing him over on the couch playing his video games and not helping,
not contributing. Mm-hmm.
(13:47):
And embarrassingly enough, right, our son is still very selective about what he eats.
And we still cater to that. We still make side of chicken nuggets and mac and cheese for him.
And then my husband and I get to eat whatever it is that we want to eat.
We're not catering our meals to him, but we're also catering to him a separate
dinner, which every night.
Every night. Yeah. Right? And so it's gotten to a point where,
(14:10):
you know, we ask him to turn the switch off to, you know, it's time to now set
the table or it's time to now get everyone's drink refilled.
Or, you know, you need to make your chocolate milk tonight.
And the eye rolls and the puffing and the puffing. Why do I have to?
And I keep threatening him. I'm like, dude, you can either help with this little
tiny bit that we ask you to do or you can make your whole own dinner.
(14:34):
Like yeah that was gonna be my question but i've never
followed through because literally the most recent time that
i i was working with him on using the toaster
oven to make his own little frozen pancakes and
he burned the dickens out of
his fingers because he grabbed the tray without thinking about it
like later he did the first couple steps and then
(14:55):
he was going to put it back in and he just didn't use the we use like a towel
right to push it in and out so then i had to get at him like elbow length gloves
to make him feel comfortable like oven mitts right to start using it and he's
so scared of burning himself now that he won't touch it and I'm just like.
(15:15):
So like I have to find different ways but like cooking is not in his skill set right now,
I am working towards that and it needs to be, right?
Because like I'm not going to continue making a separate meal for him when he's
16, like by any means. I mean, it's a life skill too. It is to learn. I agree.
It is absolutely a life skill. And the longer it goes on, the longer he'll be
(15:35):
afraid. Like I still don't like using the oven.
I have some of those. Yeah. Like as a grown, I was not allowed to touch the
oven ever that I remember.
My husband is very reticent to having him involved in any of like the heat element, anything. thing.
And I'm like, but he sure as hell hasn't touched that tray again. Yeah. Yeah.
Not that I want my son to be injured or hurt. And like, I was right there.
(15:57):
Like it just happened to learn with you in a safe environment.
Right. And we took care of it immediately.
And it's like a necessary part of learning to cook too, because it's going to happen again.
And now he knows how to like administer first aid, you know, for that kind of stuff.
I know it's silly, but like that matters too that's interesting
because like I was raised in a very self-efficient household and
(16:19):
there was a phrase that my mother repeated constantly that I
now repeat to my kids and it's probably not good probably
not a good phrase I'll premise that with that but it's a you gotta be dumb you
better be tough and it is something we copyright Donna copyright Donna I like
that a lot actually because like things like hey you're gonna grab the toaster
(16:40):
and not use the safety you better be tough enough to take that burn, right?
Or like, think about it the next time, right? You do something crazy,
you better be tough. It reminds me how you guys play board games differently with your children.
So that should be a whole other topic for sure. I mean, given his dietary restrictions,
and I know you're working- He wasn't doing that carelessly though.
Like, he hadn't had the proper, we hadn't had the proper exposure for him to
(17:03):
like, I don't know, the training.
I was just, I know you've been working with an OT too, but I know,
So given his sensory specifications and that he's eating something differently,
I think it is reasonable for you to say, hey, bud, you're now 10, which will be soon.
You either need to make the chicken nuggets and mac and cheese yourself,
(17:23):
and we can be right there and help you, or you're going to eat what we eat.
Yeah. Like, as your friend, in my opinion, and I want to tread carefully here,
like, we all survive the way we can.
I do think that's important to address sooner rather than later. Yeah, I agree.
And we have gone cold turkey with his food before.
How did that work out? This is not purely a, I don't like what you're making.
(17:48):
Yeah, I agree. agree he will gag and vomit yep
right so it's like an ot there's a
behavioral component here so i would like
to acknowledge that right and we do test his
boundaries like even just branching beyond dino nuggets into other types of
nuggets and then into chicken tenders has been a journey that's a legitimate
like ot tactic that's what they're working on right now but but it's more than
(18:12):
just the dinner we need to have an ot on yes helping around the house it's absolutely yeah Yeah.
It's the whole thing because it's like I have a kid who has food stuff too.
All of a sudden, like, I have one kid who eats anything and one kid who eats,
like, But it's the time and the energy and the effort that goes into actually
being, like, an involved member in the household that is lacking.
And that is what's sending me over the edge. More so than the food.
(18:34):
So I guess, like, that's not the sword I want to die on.
Right. As much as, like, clean up a little bit. Does he say thank you?
I'm not just asking for Ryan, but, like, is there gratitude?
Sometimes. time. And I wonder how much of that is that he's an only child.
I was wondering that too. Also a fair point.
Is it a fair point though? Like I know only children are like.
(18:54):
Overgeneralized to be like spoiled and like only think about them but
like is that fair there's more bandwidth for the
one child have more energy to cater to that child i
think i would do more if i had because we can divide and conquer right versus
when you have to especially when i think about the second one right your energy
level they're never and only like they're never and only your energy level is
definitely less you're you have less tolerance to cater and you're like yeah
(19:17):
and you gotta compromise and you're like figure that shit out or don't i don't
know i I don't want to tell you.
Like, go pick it up. There's no arguments about that.
But the day-to-day struggle is real in terms of, like, we've had to,
after the summer, we had to, like, knock it down with the answers are yes,
ma'am or yes, sir when I ask a damn question.
And anytime there's a different answer, you lose electronics.
Because we had to go, like, hard on that because of the, like,
(19:38):
amount of, like, and eye rolls and, like, grunts. I just couldn't handle it anymore.
Yeah, I think, like, a week ago, he, like, was on his couch.
And all of a sudden, I just hear from the other room, lunch.
And I said, absolutely not. Try me again in 30 minutes.
Like, try me again. I'd be like, get yourself some lunch. Be yourself.
(20:00):
I told him, I was like, you can make it yourself or you can come and talk to me.
Much different than you just did. Like, I was like, what was he doing on the
couch when he called for his lunch? Video games, I'm sure.
Right? I also think there's this perspective, whether or not I want to generalize
it, is that we are also raising a majority of boys.
(20:20):
I had that thought, too. And I want to make sure. No, not in my house.
My husband does most of the cleaning.
But you're starting the next generation. And the sensitivity to it.
Yes, that is a big factor for me.
We talk a lot about the invisible labor part.
Yes, exactly. Especially for the boys, because that wasn't always talked about.
(20:42):
And as we're raising this next generation of boys, I want to make sure that
they're like, when I met Stevie, he couldn't do laundry.
Yeah, Bob couldn't cook when I met him. He couldn't do laundry.
Yep. I was like, what are we doing here? It's the life skills.
Yeah. And being like the learned, what is it? Learned helplessness.
Yeah, and weaponized incompetence. His mom is somebody who catered to everything and every whim.
(21:06):
Yeah, and I absolutely see that happening and refuse to allow it to happen.
And your husband being involved I mean that's a good example too there every
day he sees a man in our house doing all of these things right that's going
to serve him well because he'll have a 90 year old.
Developmentally I understand is somewhat appropriate but also we have allowed
(21:28):
it I would love if we have any listeners that also are moms of only like for
them to chime in I had a sibling I think most of us I just don't,
know if like, are there things we could do to support him or experiences?
Or is it like totally unfair generalization? I don't know. Yeah. Of being an only.
(21:49):
Well, he doesn't have to share his space with people. He doesn't have to share
his toys. He does. He has to share with parents. But that's not the same.
You know, he, he, when he was a baby and toddler, we would see those kind of tendencies.
Like, I don't want to share that right now at his age.
Currently, he doesn't he seems to be well adjusted in that way
yeah now how he plays with his toys like
(22:11):
he's also very respectful and like we we don't like leave a room blown up necessarily
right but again there's two parents one kid yeah and he just has learned and
so like his playroom right we had a whole bunch of lego sets in that room sorry
this is a little bit of side subject but like.
We assemble lego kits and then we like put them on a wall and they look pretty
(22:34):
and they look nice And he will make stop motion movies with those as like prop pieces.
And then the neighborhood friends come over and I go up there and like half the sets were blown up.
Like just broken apart. They're Legos. I'm so upset.
They're Legos. I get it. And it should have, I should have put them somewhere
where they couldn't have been accessed. Right. But it didn't even occur to me.
(22:55):
Have you not spent enough time with a DePippo? Have you not seen my playroom?
Yeah. No, but I mean, it's interesting, right?
Like he doesn't mind it. But so like I went down this whole rabbit hole of trying
to put them all back together and he came into the playroom yesterday and found
me doing it and he's like,
oh, you did all of those? Like, you fixed all of those?
And I was like, yeah, buddy, I still have these to do. He literally crossed
(23:17):
the room and then just gave me a giant hug. Okay, so that's a very nice moment of gratitude.
Okay, little moments like that.
All right, so there's light at the end of the tunnel. There's hope.
Those are going to hold you over.
Yeah, yeah. Like the smiles when babies were little. Like the terribleness.
Cute smile, shit your pants.
The good person is in there. We just got to like encourage him out a little more.
(23:41):
I just want to, as the only mom here of a girl, like I think it shows up for
both sexes, genders, I don't know the right word anymore, in my house.
Like I feel like the entitlement issue is similar or the same, at least right now.
How does this appear for you guys? Yeah, I mean, there are moments where you're
talking about traveling or opportunities or kind of the day-to-day and taking
(24:01):
care of the house that resonate.
But for me, we were just at Target yesterday and it shows up in like consumerism,
like this idea of like, we're at Target, we should get a toy.
We're leaving the museum, we should get a thing.
I'm going to a camp and it's, I don't know, Encanto themed.
Can I have Encanto shirts for every day of the camp? Like things they don't
(24:22):
need, but like want in this perception of like, I should just buy it.
I should just have it versus what I would prefer, like a little bit more gratefulness or like saving.
And I think it does tie into the like understanding money.
And we've been working on that since we spoke about that in season one.
So I've been trying, they both now have their own green light card.
They get their allowance every Friday. It's how old they are is their allowance.
(24:45):
There are things at the house they have to do.
For anyone who doesn't know, the green light card is like a debit card for kids.
That's tied to like an actual account.
Parents have control over it. Yes, I have an app. You can't take money from
the green light card, but we can add money to it. But I think there's protections
where you can't withdraw money you've gifted to them. You can spend it. Spend it, right?
You can't retract it as like a punishment. No.
(25:07):
But I've turned off the Friday payments in the summer because they're not going
to school, which is their job, and they get paid for books they read.
So like when we were at Target, I was like, well, you can use your money,
it was a tough moment for them.
Luna wanted this one toy that was like $25 and she had like a $20 bill and we
had to talk about tax. So I do think some of that is money related,
but it's also just like they're not grateful, right?
(25:30):
We went through all of that at Target. They both got two new toys and got home
and played for it for like 10 minutes. And then it's on the floor, disregarded.
And then they went cruises already by dinnertime being like, I want a new game.
Like more, more, more kind of affluenza, if you will, is something that I haven't quite figured out.
Like paired with genuine gratitude. Like I don't want them to just open a present
(25:52):
and say, thank you. Maybe this is because gift giving is my love language.
Like I want them to like really appreciate the thought behind it.
And like, I don't know, not just rush to the next thing.
Tension spans of gnats. Well, and they're just, they just feel entitled to another,
like it doesn't even cross their mind.
Like, yeah, the idea of like, Oh, I went with mom to target. I, I get a toy.
(26:15):
Yeah. Get a toy. So I'll get another one next target to do an errand. Right.
Which is my fault because we normally only go to target when they get their
flu shots and they I do bribe them with a toy But like also crew's got a gift
card, you know, so like it's just like i'm i'm trying to Even when the ice cream
truck comes now i'm like, oh, I I don't have money.
Where's your wallet? So i'm trying to make it Like them have the real consequence
(26:38):
of like, oh, I want a thing, but I don't have the money But it's so hard because
sometimes I just want to buy the ice cream cone, you know For them.
I don't know. Yeah, because you want to give them more than what you got,
right? There's this whole, you want to give them something better.
You want to give to your kids, but you also want them to be grateful that they got that.
Yeah. And yesterday, we were at a baby shower, and the kids were there, and Cruz won a game.
(27:00):
Great. So he got this $25 gift card, which is the start of all this.
Luna lost her mind that she didn't also win and was crying.
I mean, thankfully, quietly, but still, it was really awkward.
And I was parenting through it calmly.
I was pretty proud of myself. And then one of her lovely aunties like gave her money.
It was like, here you go. Here's no, and it was very well-intentioned,
(27:22):
but like, yeah, but that's very not what I want.
I don't know. Like I, so I do think maybe there are moments less in my house,
but more in the world. Like,
where Luna is upset. And I do think people show up for her differently as a
girl and are like, here's a present. Here's a toy.
Here's some money. Here's Auntie Nicole showing up at her house,
(27:43):
the biggest Barbie dream house you've ever seen.
It's not all good. Time and place. Time and place. It's not all good or bad.
But like my brother, like even on vacation, he was like, we just can't say no
to Luna. And I was like, yes, you can.
I will say, though, I feel the same way about Cruz too because Cruz I
sent them both earphones recently because
(28:03):
they both liked my earphones and I gave them both the earphones they were very nice
but like I was like they both wanted I was like okay here you go yeah
that wasn't earned I get it was very grateful and
like it was like let's send auntie Nicola thank you and Luna was
like oh a pink thing you put it in a basket but that's the problem right like
I don't I don't know like I want them to have the world but I want them to be
grateful and not turn into spoiled jerks do you think any of the way Luna gets
(28:27):
treated different is related to women have to appear happy and not upset so often. Maybe, yeah.
Especially with the men, the older men in my family, like my dad,
my brother. Oh, interesting.
Like when Cruz would cry about something, I wouldn't say they were callous or
mean, but they wouldn't immediately move to resolve it.
(28:47):
And I do think with Luna, maybe because she's the youngest, maybe because she's
the girl. I see that in my second.
I do it a lot with my second. I would immediately try to fix it instead of like
giving them the experience of weathering the uncomfortable.
Right, right. Yeah. I will say my second is a boy and I do that a lot with him
in terms of like things that if Evan had been upset about, I probably would
(29:09):
have been like, you're going to be fine.
Tough it out. Yeah, like you're going to be fine. And then Cole,
I'm like, okay, let's fix it.
Like, it's okay. Is that like a your patience is thinner thing?
Or it's like a second or third child thing?
I think it's like a second child, the baby a little bit.
And like I also learned not to die on that hill as like a parent
like we have been yeah like pick your
battles like it's not worth it like it's but he's also like
(29:32):
he's also a little bit more self-aware and like more grateful for things so
I feel more inclined to do things for him than I do my ungrateful one well it
makes me it makes me think about how like even with the same two humans yeah
you don't ever have the same parents right as your sibling because you're in a different place Yes.
I don't know. How does this show up in your house, Ashley?
(29:55):
For us, it's a lot of thinking things can be replaced.
So not treating things delicately or gently, not protecting things like you should.
I mean, we've had some, like, behavior issues over time with being,
like, aggressive and, you know, trashing your bedroom and whatnot.
But, like, you leave your iPad on the couch and your brother jumps on it.
Shouldn't have left it there. Like, I'm not going to replace it for you instantly.
(30:19):
Did that happen? No, but there's been so many close calls. And this summer Calvin
got a new iPad for his birthday.
So he had it out and he was excited about it. But then, you know,
being inattentive, he just leaves it there.
And then I see, like, the five-year-old come running. I'm like,
no, don't jump on it, please.
So, yeah, I get nervous about those things or just like throwing toys around
(30:41):
or Derek drove a car or something on the TV and it's just completely scratched.
Oh, no. I mean, you don't see it when it's like on, but when it's off,
it's just like squiggles all over and it's in two neat little roads.
So definitely some kind of vehicle.
But there is no like can't just
get a new one. Right. And that was the sentiment of like, what did you do?
(31:03):
I was like, we can get a new TV. No, no, no, we're not going to.
So it's kind of the consumerism, I think, too, thinking stuff is readily available
and it can always be replaced. Yeah, it can always be replaced.
Mom and dad somehow are paying for it because my kids are starting to learn
the money stuff, too. Calvin, in particular, with his allowance. But like.
I can't just replace everything all the time. We have to take care of it.
(31:25):
Make it last. Yeah, we see that a lot too. If like something gets broken,
they're like, I just want a new one.
I'm like, I don't know what to tell you. He's now a cheetah with no tail.
Like, I don't know what to tell you. You're not getting a new one.
Oh, it bothers me. Like I just, I'm the problem probably there.
I don't speak it out loud, but I'm like, oh, this is broken.
It has to go away. We have to fix it or I need a matching set.
(31:45):
I'm pretty sure there's not a single toy in our playroom that is not broken.
That isn't, but I'm like, it's what you got. I'm not fixing it.
You can throw it away if you want or you can donate it. But like it's still good.
Yeah. I have to manage my expectations around that. Like it's your thing.
Break it if you want and learn the lesson. But like you, Jenny,
part of me wants to like give them the matching set. Give them the whole thing.
(32:06):
Like you only play with it for a day and it's busted now. That sucks.
But like I have to sit in the discomfort so they can learn to tolerate the discomfort.
I do wonder how much of this is American culture too. Like not to overgeneralize,
but because Beto's from another country. And again, he came from much less means.
Like he didn't have, I don't want to misspeak. I don't think he had any toys
(32:26):
or very little, like a soccer ball or like made his own fun.
And so like he gets really triggered and like very angry very quickly about
some of these things in a way that I don't think my kids understand.
And we've tried to tell them carefully, you know, but it doesn't quite connect,
because it's not only their lived experience, but also like our peers,
(32:48):
our neighborhood, where they go to school.
Like they're, again, not really exposed to different levels of income on either
direction, but especially those that are truly impoverished.
I don't know. It just, but at some time, like I don't want to make them sad.
Like I think about when we recently went to Cuba and there's a whole story there
not to go too far down this rabbit hole, but because they're not able to get
(33:11):
new things in there as a country, they are so careful with their things.
And some of the art I saw there was so beautiful and unique and totally made
out of like recycled materials or, you know, Cuba's known for those old cars.
It's not only because they just like old cars, it's because they can't get new
stuff. So they really take care of.
(33:33):
But that was impactful to me as an adult. So like, like, do I bring them there to see that?
But like, it's also can be really sad and hard because our friends there were
like, well, you just bring us razors. By the time razors get to us,
they're rusted or dance attire because by the time things get here, the elastics are broke.
And even to think that in my adult mind was so impactful for me,
(33:56):
I want almost to have my kids see some of those moments, but I also don't want them to be so sad.
Cruz is such a deeply feeling kid. I think that would really upset him.
He might not be able to get past that.
You know, that like almost joke of like, there are kids hungry somewhere in
whatever country. But it's true.
No, I think getting them out of their own bubbles, first of all, is important, right?
(34:21):
And for them to see what they, the privilege that they do have so that maybe
they appreciate it more.
And then maybe it's a matter of finding opportunities, volunteer opportunities in that instance,
perhaps, perhaps that could help him to feel
like here's something I could do right to help
make it better and easier for other people if that
(34:42):
would bring him joy and and you know less discomfort I
guess the other thing I was thinking of when you were talking about like shirts for
every you know every day of the week for camp
or whatever if there are ways that we could get our kids involved
more in creating yeah these things instead
of the default because it's so easy now with
Amazon and Target get right down the street to just run out to
(35:04):
the store and buy something to fill a need versus let's
search the house for something that would work instead or let's
create something right that first of all it would get them off the video games
right for me at least in my house and it would teach them the value of reusing
repurposing things so not having to go out and buy more stuff and then maybe
(35:25):
there would be that trickle-down effect where they would actually treat it nicer
or if they created it themselves,
if they know and understand the time and effort that went into creating this thing.
Then they might be more likely to actually treat it well and in a way that would
last. I don't know, right?
Like in a perfect world. Well, maybe they would value it more,
right? If they made it, they would take care of it. All I can think about is
(35:46):
we're spending $70 on DIY supplies to make a t-shirt.
Right? And the privilege of time to do that. Yeah. It's a fair point. It's a fair point.
Because we thought we'd do it. We'd do some DIY stuff when we do parties, with
by the time it's over with like i've spent more money on the
diy in time thing than i did buying the five dollar
thing at target whatever parties are another good example we should do an episode
(36:07):
on that just like on expectations and what should or shouldn't be done for them
to feel celebrated that's a whole nother topic makes me think about the like
the there's this whole video going around a few months back of this 11 year
old blowing out her birthday candles and,
And the five-year-old was really pissed off about it.
And so the mom relit the birthday candles so the five-year-old could blow them out. Oh, no.
(36:32):
Multiple kids. Multiple kids, like, in the family. And you could see this 11-year-old's
face just, like, fall each time a kid got to blow out her candles on her cake.
And I was thinking about it when you were talking about, like,
how the auntie gave Luna an extra, like, $20.
And I was thinking about Cruz's experience. Like, he won it.
And now it's sort of a little invalidated the fact that like Luna just got handed
it right so having that idea that like,
(36:54):
We shouldn't be handing kids things just for the sake of doing it, right?
And it goes into this like privilege thing. Our kids are so privileged.
And I think the point of sitting in the discomfort of saying no or sitting in
the discomfort of not replacing something I think is really powerful.
And that's for us to do. Hard though.
As much if not more so as they have to learn to sit in discomfort with it too.
(37:15):
Like you're not always going to get what you want.
And I think it's going to get more as our kids get older. So like I'm going
to shout out to the listeners. tell us how, if you have kids that are like nine
and older, how you are sort of curbing this entitlement or overconsumption or ability.
Helping them keep perspective. Helping them keep perspective.
What are the things you're doing? Are you taking your kids along?
All the tips. All the tips. Like, we need some tips on how we're surviving this phase of parenthood.
(37:41):
This conversation did make me think of something our church did recently,
which was they had had pre-purchased items.
And then for a kid's activity, they had Ziploc bags and they made blessing bags,
which were like things to hand out to people who you see on the street that are homeless.
And it made me really uncomfortable.
I need to work on that. But I will say when we had those in the car and we would
(38:02):
pull up on an exit and see someone, they would roll down the window and hand
this person. And that did feel good.
And now that we don't have them anymore, they're like, we should give them money.
And I'm like, maybe we should make more blessing bags. So I don't, I don't know.
I don't think it's a perfect example, but something that they,
they did briefly that did seem to help.
Yeah. Exposure to that. So like, tell us the ways that you guys are doing to
(38:25):
help give your kids exposure to people who may not be as privileged or them
or not have as much of what they get.
Right. By also still balancing the need to want to give your kids like a good
life and experience. Right. For sure.
All right. I think that wraps up this week's episode. Thank you so much for
joining us for kicking off season two, and we will have much more for you in the next coming months.
(38:49):
And if you enjoy this episode, don't forget to subscribe so you never miss out on a future episode.
And if you want to connect with us, share your thoughts, you can find us at
ShePackUnleashed. Thank you for being a part of our pack.
This is Ashley, Jenny, Nicole, and Tanya signing off. Stay wild and fierce.
Hello, and welcome to SHIPAC Unleashed. I'm one of your hosts, Tanya.
I'm Nicole. Welcome to your weekly dose of candid discussion and the pursuit
of finding your tribe in this journey of motherhood, womanhood, and sisterhood.
I'm Ashley. Join us as we leave no stone unturned. In each episode,
we have heart-to-heart conversations that aim to challenge and empower one another.
I'm Jenny. No more waiting. SHIPAC Unleashed begins now.
(00:26):
Welcome back, SHIPAC. In this episode, the entitlement epidemic,
parenting in the age of me.
Music.
We're back, you guys. We're back. Yay, happy summer, happy fall.
(00:50):
Oh yeah, happy fall. Hopefully it's cooler where you are. Right?
Right. I think we all had a great summer and we'll be sharing about that quite a bit.
So before we get started, I want to just acknowledge the privilege that our
kids have and that we have to do the things that we do and spend the money that we do.
And I think that kind of adds up to some of this entitlement that we're seeing.
Yes, but not all of it, right? We're talking about entitlement as kids in terms
(01:13):
of just not just the privilege of like the entitlement they're having on the
traveling one, which would be the experience I share,
but it just like the day-to-day day where these kids think that we should serve
them and everything is handed to them on a silver pot or an instant gratification.
Coming off summertime and having a lot of quality time together,
I think really brought some of this to the forefront.
Like this is not new, at least in my household, right? Like the things that
(01:34):
I can certainly talk about, but it crystallizes that really well when you live
it day to day to day to day when they're out of school.
Yeah, the out of school piece I think matters. There's no outside references
to other peers and what they've got going on. So very in your own bubble.
It does make me wonder like how much of this is their lived experience or our
parenting versus just like developmentally appropriate.
(01:57):
I don't know if I ever act like this at this age, I would have gotten my ass handed to me.
You didn't have these opportunities at your age. No, but like I was pretty spoiled.
Like I don't know that I had the opportunities or the trips, but like I remember.
Getting what I wanted when I wanted it as a young child, not when I got older.
But maybe that's just my lived experience perception. Like it might not even
(02:19):
be real, right? Can you trust a nine-year-old memory?
Nine-year-old's memory. I think you can. It wasn't nine years ago.
Our kids are nine. So like, are they unreliable narrators? I don't know.
How does this show up for you, Nicole?
I think so this summer we went on a lot of trips, right? I will preface that
with like, we were super lucky. We went on all the places. We had like a week
long in Florida to visit family.
(02:41):
We went to Mexico for a week. We went to New Hampshire for a weekend.
Like we did a lot of traveling this summer because it's important to me and
a value my husband and I, well, I'd say mostly me, but like my husband comes along with that we like.
And, you know, maybe it's because that's my thing and I want to like give that
to my kids because I didn't have that same experience. Sure.
(03:03):
But my kids are so ungrateful about it, right
like we went to a week-long trip in mexico at
a five-star resort in premium levels where
like they got everything they wanted and we were vip
right spent a lot of money to go on this trip and they were
just like do we have to go to the pool today wow do
we have to do like dinner or why do i have to put on like nice clothes for dinner
(03:25):
and like just the total entitlement of
it what did they want to do they wanted to play
on their switches right they wanted to sit
in the the hotel room play video games or they were like you know
that's hard because it's their vacation too so you
might want to let them do some of it
but I get I know I get what you mean like it's this is all they've ever known
(03:48):
right so how do they have anything to compare it to yes yeah but we are very
like we're not ones to sit there and say like oh this is like easy we talk about
how much trips cost we talk about like how we work really hard for them we talk
about that all clearly with them.
And then they got back. And the thing that like really peeped me was we got
back and my parents took them for a weekend day thing.
(04:09):
They take them like every other weekend to go do something fun with the grandparents.
And they went to like Sky Zone and were jumping.
And my parents were like, well, how was your trip? And-
Miles was like, I don't know, can we just not go on so many trips?
Like, I would like to travel so much.
Okay, so I have two thoughts about that. First of all, being like, take us instead.
(04:29):
We'll be grateful. The other part of me to play devil's advocate,
right, is like, traveling is one of your love languages and ways that you connect
with your family and with the world around you and
how you also decompress right and maybe
traveling is just not theirs i i
agree also your travel was rife with a hurricane and delays and other things
(04:55):
that can make traveling harder so like i wonder if some of those might have
overshadowed in their brain like the fun that they had i don't know i don't
know none of that was like affected when their conversation of like Like,
do we have to go to the pool again today?
Like, we were at a five-star. Like, while you were there. Yeah,
while we're there. Yeah, that hurts to hear. Why do we have to go to the pool?
Well, what do you want to do? I just want to, like, rest.
(05:18):
So it's funny, right? Like, our rest is sitting by the pool reading our Kindle, right?
For them, their rest, my son at least, I'll speak for him, would be sitting
in the hotel room where it's air-conditioned and playing with his Switch and,
like, decompressing, right?
And so some of this is the entitlement piece, right? To take for granted where
they're going, what they're doing, how much it costs.
(05:40):
But then also, you have to factor in how they recharge, how they rest,
and allow for them to have a different way.
Because they are kids, and they are different people.
Yeah, totally agree if it was just this. But it's more than this. Okay, fair.
It's also like, they went to tennis camp for a week. It was a half-day tennis
(06:02):
camp. And I'm like, ugh, do we have to go to tennis camp?
That they asked for. That they asked for. Yeah, it's the asking for it part.
And I'm like, ugh, I don't want to go. I'm just too tired.
And I'm like, what are you tired from? Your life is a vacation.
They're growing. They're growing. That's work.
Okay. I want to switch spots with them. Want to do a Parent Trap episode?
For sure. Not Parent Trap. The one with Lindsay Lohan.
(06:24):
Yeah, let's switch. It's not Parent Trap, but I know what you mean.
Wacky. Freaky Friday. Freaky Friday. And I want to be a DePippo kid.
I want to be a different person. I want to be a different person.
Here's my application. Right. And that they just have little like,
so it's kind of like, okay, so do I just leave them home next time?
But how much is it? And I know I don't want to poke the bear because we did a whole episode on this,
(06:47):
but like how much is it the screens and maybe like a dopamine addiction to the
Switch and the games versus like truly wanting to, like for me,
is the screen a regulation tool?
Is the screen being, like, over-dependent upon from, like, a regulation tool
or, like, you know, because it uses so much of their brain, even though it looks
(07:08):
like they're sitting in still as a parent, like, it uses a lot of their brain to do. Oh, I agree.
And, like, how much of it is related to that kind of…,
desire to not be too far away or to do that more versus like
I would have a different response if they were like I just want
to like play in the backyard or I just want to like read a book and
maybe that's my bias showing yeah I agree I
(07:28):
think it is this green thing it's their total addiction to it especially in
the summer when they have more access to it because we're not in school because
we have more leniency although they still have limited times right like they
only have an hour on their computers on YouTube and only two hours on switch
a day before it shuts down I I changed to the Jenny method where it turns off.
(07:48):
Welcome to the dark side. It's actually my favorite. It's nice.
The cruise has started finally planning. Like it took a long time,
but he'll be like, oh, I shouldn't play this morning. I want to play later with
Ryan. Oh, yeah. Calvin does that too.
Yeah. Well, and this was the first time it was also like, I want to hang out with my friend.
Like I want to be home to hang out with my friend. Like why?
Like I want to play with my friend or whatever. And I was like,
(08:09):
we're on vacation in Mexico.
What are you talking about? That's when you just look at them and say,
okay, bet. Next time it'll just be dad and I. Like, seriously.
And so it makes me constantly like, but then I know they'd be upset if we left without them.
Or even like, we planned a dolphin excursion, okay, to ride with the dolphins.
And they were just like so nonchalant about it. Like, I don't know if I want
(08:32):
to do that. Do we really have to do that?
You have to swim with dolphins. I'm like literally like, yikes.
So what are you going to do about it? You know, I don't know because the thing is, is that right?
Like each one of us, I think I'm speaking to all of us, want to give our kids
more than what we have. For sure. Yes.
And with that, there is this problem of they don't know any different.
(08:57):
Like they don't know the absence of it? Right. Like they have no concept of
that like, hey, we don't live in a – like how would you not live in a big house with my own room?
And like I grew up sharing a room with my sisters. Like they don't even understand that, right?
Or how do we not be able to afford the things we want to do?
Like I want to do horseback riding. It's not even a question that I get to do that, right?
(09:19):
So like – and we do all the things. We teach them about money.
They have like money they earn from school.
They got bonuses at the end of the year for their grades improvements.
And like, we do all those things, but how do you really work through this?
Like, it's all they ever know.
Yeah. Until they, they move out and I'm going on vacation and you want to come, you better pay.
I wonder how much of it is exposing them and then letting them choose.
(09:40):
Because they're trying it and you're giving them the opportunity doesn't mean
they're going to like it just because they're trying it. Yeah.
I also think I was thinking of exposure differently of like,
maybe they're starting to get old enough that we could think about or do some
research on like, could we volunteer?
Could we give back some way? Could we, there was one year we went around and
helped prepackage meals for Thanksgiving and Beto and we delivered it to the
(10:04):
families because a lot of the families didn't speak English.
And that was really impactful for crews to see.
Made me a little nervous if I'm being really honest, but like,
I wonder if and when do we start thinking about those types of experiences to
help them like kind of anchor and.
I don't know, the reality. A concrete example, right, for the horse riding lessons.
If there's an opportunity for them to help volunteer at the barn and to help
(10:26):
muck stalls and to help feed the horses.
Like, the things that go into maintaining the environment for the horses so
that he has the ability and the privilege to ride.
Yep. But, like, he has to actually get more involved. I don't know.
I could ask that. And, I mean, obviously, from a liability standpoint,
that may or may not be possible. Yeah. But, like, anyone can shovel poop.
(10:47):
Yeah. I think when we looked at volunteering earlier on, they weren't old enough to like, yeah, right.
Eligible to go. And then I still do have the five-year-old. So yeah, same.
It's not, but I do agree. Like we have to give them and we talk about it.
We've got books about it.
Like we do donations, we do food drives, like we volunteer at their school for
things for other people.
I just think it's the age of how like pre pre teeny.
(11:10):
Everything's about me. Everything's hard too. Cause I feel like it's currently,
currently at least from my perspective we want to empower our kids to be like yes you deserve.
Opportunities right and what you do with those opportunities is up to you but
like we want to empower them to like seize those opportunities and to feel to
(11:30):
feel worth and worthy of them but then like it feels like it just keeps going
to the extreme and it's like wait you don't deserve
it all, though, like outright. You just deserve the opportunity.
Earn the opportunity, right? I think some that's the developmental piece.
So like you were saying, Jenny, how much is developmental?
(11:51):
They're all, the older ones at least, are on the cusp of that period of time
where they're differentiating from their parents.
So they're really like developing their sense of self right now.
So if they're thinking of me, me, me, to me, that makes sense.
They're trying to figure out who they are before they like branch off to be their true own person.
Yeah. And I think we're getting to the point where like Like,
Evan distinguishes now, like, to my husband, like, he's his best friend in the family.
(12:16):
Oh, not his best friend, but his best friend in the family. And my husband's
like, what do you mean? How's Steve taking that?
Not well, if we're being honest. He's like, huh, what?
So I think it shows up in other places besides travel too, right?
Like this is just an example from our summer travels. Well, so the opposite
in my mind, maybe not opposite, right?
But the mirror of that for me, where I feel this pain point the most is in the day-to-day, right?
(12:42):
So, you know, we do take some trips, but our son seems to appreciate the trips
when we go, you know, and things like that.
But it's the day-to-day, like literally making lunch, making dinner.
Our son is so removed and absent from that process. And that's on us, right?
We did not instill habits from an early enough age that like,
(13:05):
it is your job to make everyone's water or drink glasses for the table or whatever.
And I've tried and I feel like I'm always trying to get those things going,
but then I feel like sometimes I'm the only one who like makes sure that it happens.
My husband is the cook most often in our family, right? Like 75% of the time
(13:26):
he's probably making the meals.
So he's busy doing those things, right? And so no No one is following up after
our son to make sure that he contributes.
And it's getting more and more of a pain point for me that I'm like, I get bitter about it.
Seeing him over on the couch playing his video games and not helping,
not contributing. Mm-hmm.
(13:47):
And embarrassingly enough, right, our son is still very selective about what he eats.
And we still cater to that. We still make side of chicken nuggets and mac and cheese for him.
And then my husband and I get to eat whatever it is that we want to eat.
We're not catering our meals to him, but we're also catering to him a separate
dinner, which every night.
Every night. Yeah. Right? And so it's gotten to a point where,
(14:10):
you know, we ask him to turn the switch off to, you know, it's time to now set
the table or it's time to now get everyone's drink refilled.
Or, you know, you need to make your chocolate milk tonight.
And the eye rolls and the puffing and the puffing. Why do I have to?
And I keep threatening him. I'm like, dude, you can either help with this little
tiny bit that we ask you to do or you can make your whole own dinner.
(14:34):
Like yeah that was gonna be my question but i've never
followed through because literally the most recent time that
i i was working with him on using the toaster
oven to make his own little frozen pancakes and
he burned the dickens out of
his fingers because he grabbed the tray without thinking about it
like later he did the first couple steps and then
(14:55):
he was going to put it back in and he just didn't use the we use like a towel
right to push it in and out so then i had to get at him like elbow length gloves
to make him feel comfortable like oven mitts right to start using it and he's
so scared of burning himself now that he won't touch it and I'm just like.
(15:15):
So like I have to find different ways but like cooking is not in his skill set right now,
I am working towards that and it needs to be, right?
Because like I'm not going to continue making a separate meal for him when he's
16, like by any means. I mean, it's a life skill too. It is to learn. I agree.
It is absolutely a life skill. And the longer it goes on, the longer he'll be
(15:35):
afraid. Like I still don't like using the oven.
I have some of those. Yeah. Like as a grown, I was not allowed to touch the
oven ever that I remember.
My husband is very reticent to having him involved in any of like the heat element, anything. thing.
And I'm like, but he sure as hell hasn't touched that tray again. Yeah. Yeah.
Not that I want my son to be injured or hurt. And like, I was right there.
(15:57):
Like it just happened to learn with you in a safe environment.
Right. And we took care of it immediately.
And it's like a necessary part of learning to cook too, because it's going to happen again.
And now he knows how to like administer first aid, you know, for that kind of stuff.
I know it's silly, but like that matters too that's interesting
because like I was raised in a very self-efficient household and
(16:19):
there was a phrase that my mother repeated constantly that I
now repeat to my kids and it's probably not good probably
not a good phrase I'll premise that with that but it's a you gotta be dumb you
better be tough and it is something we copyright Donna copyright Donna I like
that a lot actually because like things like hey you're gonna grab the toaster
(16:40):
and not use the safety you better be tough enough to take that burn, right?
Or like, think about it the next time, right? You do something crazy,
you better be tough. It reminds me how you guys play board games differently with your children.
So that should be a whole other topic for sure. I mean, given his dietary restrictions,
and I know you're working- He wasn't doing that carelessly though.
Like, he hadn't had the proper, we hadn't had the proper exposure for him to
(17:03):
like, I don't know, the training.
I was just, I know you've been working with an OT too, but I know,
So given his sensory specifications and that he's eating something differently,
I think it is reasonable for you to say, hey, bud, you're now 10, which will be soon.
You either need to make the chicken nuggets and mac and cheese yourself,
(17:23):
and we can be right there and help you, or you're going to eat what we eat.
Yeah. Like, as your friend, in my opinion, and I want to tread carefully here,
like, we all survive the way we can.
I do think that's important to address sooner rather than later. Yeah, I agree.
And we have gone cold turkey with his food before.
How did that work out? This is not purely a, I don't like what you're making.
(17:48):
Yeah, I agree. agree he will gag and vomit yep
right so it's like an ot there's a
behavioral component here so i would like
to acknowledge that right and we do test his
boundaries like even just branching beyond dino nuggets into other types of
nuggets and then into chicken tenders has been a journey that's a legitimate
like ot tactic that's what they're working on right now but but it's more than
(18:12):
just the dinner we need to have an ot on yes helping around the house it's absolutely yeah Yeah.
It's the whole thing because it's like I have a kid who has food stuff too.
All of a sudden, like, I have one kid who eats anything and one kid who eats,
like, But it's the time and the energy and the effort that goes into actually
being, like, an involved member in the household that is lacking.
And that is what's sending me over the edge. More so than the food.
(18:34):
So I guess, like, that's not the sword I want to die on.
Right. As much as, like, clean up a little bit. Does he say thank you?
I'm not just asking for Ryan, but, like, is there gratitude?
Sometimes. time. And I wonder how much of that is that he's an only child.
I was wondering that too. Also a fair point.
Is it a fair point though? Like I know only children are like.
(18:54):
Overgeneralized to be like spoiled and like only think about them but
like is that fair there's more bandwidth for the
one child have more energy to cater to that child i
think i would do more if i had because we can divide and conquer right versus
when you have to especially when i think about the second one right your energy
level they're never and only like they're never and only your energy level is
definitely less you're you have less tolerance to cater and you're like yeah
(19:17):
and you gotta compromise and you're like figure that shit out or don't i don't
know i I don't want to tell you.
Like, go pick it up. There's no arguments about that.
But the day-to-day struggle is real in terms of, like, we've had to,
after the summer, we had to, like, knock it down with the answers are yes,
ma'am or yes, sir when I ask a damn question.
And anytime there's a different answer, you lose electronics.
Because we had to go, like, hard on that because of the, like,
(19:38):
amount of, like, and eye rolls and, like, grunts. I just couldn't handle it anymore.
Yeah, I think, like, a week ago, he, like, was on his couch.
And all of a sudden, I just hear from the other room, lunch.
And I said, absolutely not. Try me again in 30 minutes.
Like, try me again. I'd be like, get yourself some lunch. Be yourself.
(20:00):
I told him, I was like, you can make it yourself or you can come and talk to me.
Much different than you just did. Like, I was like, what was he doing on the
couch when he called for his lunch? Video games, I'm sure.
Right? I also think there's this perspective, whether or not I want to generalize
it, is that we are also raising a majority of boys.
(20:20):
I had that thought, too. And I want to make sure. No, not in my house.
My husband does most of the cleaning.
But you're starting the next generation. And the sensitivity to it.
Yes, that is a big factor for me.
We talk a lot about the invisible labor part.
Yes, exactly. Especially for the boys, because that wasn't always talked about.
(20:42):
And as we're raising this next generation of boys, I want to make sure that
they're like, when I met Stevie, he couldn't do laundry.
Yeah, Bob couldn't cook when I met him. He couldn't do laundry.
Yep. I was like, what are we doing here? It's the life skills.
Yeah. And being like the learned, what is it? Learned helplessness.
Yeah, and weaponized incompetence. His mom is somebody who catered to everything and every whim.
(21:06):
Yeah, and I absolutely see that happening and refuse to allow it to happen.
And your husband being involved I mean that's a good example too there every
day he sees a man in our house doing all of these things right that's going
to serve him well because he'll have a 90 year old.
Developmentally I understand is somewhat appropriate but also we have allowed
(21:28):
it I would love if we have any listeners that also are moms of only like for
them to chime in I had a sibling I think most of us I just don't,
know if like, are there things we could do to support him or experiences?
Or is it like totally unfair generalization? I don't know. Yeah. Of being an only.
(21:49):
Well, he doesn't have to share his space with people. He doesn't have to share
his toys. He does. He has to share with parents. But that's not the same.
You know, he, he, when he was a baby and toddler, we would see those kind of tendencies.
Like, I don't want to share that right now at his age.
Currently, he doesn't he seems to be well adjusted in that way
yeah now how he plays with his toys like
(22:11):
he's also very respectful and like we we don't like leave a room blown up necessarily
right but again there's two parents one kid yeah and he just has learned and
so like his playroom right we had a whole bunch of lego sets in that room sorry
this is a little bit of side subject but like.
We assemble lego kits and then we like put them on a wall and they look pretty
(22:34):
and they look nice And he will make stop motion movies with those as like prop pieces.
And then the neighborhood friends come over and I go up there and like half the sets were blown up.
Like just broken apart. They're Legos. I'm so upset.
They're Legos. I get it. And it should have, I should have put them somewhere
where they couldn't have been accessed. Right. But it didn't even occur to me.
(22:55):
Have you not spent enough time with a DePippo? Have you not seen my playroom?
Yeah. No, but I mean, it's interesting, right?
Like he doesn't mind it. But so like I went down this whole rabbit hole of trying
to put them all back together and he came into the playroom yesterday and found
me doing it and he's like,
oh, you did all of those? Like, you fixed all of those?
And I was like, yeah, buddy, I still have these to do. He literally crossed
(23:17):
the room and then just gave me a giant hug. Okay, so that's a very nice moment of gratitude.
Okay, little moments like that.
All right, so there's light at the end of the tunnel. There's hope.
Those are going to hold you over.
Yeah, yeah. Like the smiles when babies were little. Like the terribleness.
Cute smile, shit your pants.
The good person is in there. We just got to like encourage him out a little more.
(23:41):
I just want to, as the only mom here of a girl, like I think it shows up for
both sexes, genders, I don't know the right word anymore, in my house.
Like I feel like the entitlement issue is similar or the same, at least right now.
How does this appear for you guys? Yeah, I mean, there are moments where you're
talking about traveling or opportunities or kind of the day-to-day and taking
(24:01):
care of the house that resonate.
But for me, we were just at Target yesterday and it shows up in like consumerism,
like this idea of like, we're at Target, we should get a toy.
We're leaving the museum, we should get a thing.
I'm going to a camp and it's, I don't know, Encanto themed.
Can I have Encanto shirts for every day of the camp? Like things they don't
(24:22):
need, but like want in this perception of like, I should just buy it.
I should just have it versus what I would prefer, like a little bit more gratefulness or like saving.
And I think it does tie into the like understanding money.
And we've been working on that since we spoke about that in season one.
So I've been trying, they both now have their own green light card.
They get their allowance every Friday. It's how old they are is their allowance.
(24:45):
There are things at the house they have to do.
For anyone who doesn't know, the green light card is like a debit card for kids.
That's tied to like an actual account.
Parents have control over it. Yes, I have an app. You can't take money from
the green light card, but we can add money to it. But I think there's protections
where you can't withdraw money you've gifted to them. You can spend it. Spend it, right?
You can't retract it as like a punishment. No.
(25:07):
But I've turned off the Friday payments in the summer because they're not going
to school, which is their job, and they get paid for books they read.
So like when we were at Target, I was like, well, you can use your money,
it was a tough moment for them.
Luna wanted this one toy that was like $25 and she had like a $20 bill and we
had to talk about tax. So I do think some of that is money related,
but it's also just like they're not grateful, right?
(25:30):
We went through all of that at Target. They both got two new toys and got home
and played for it for like 10 minutes. And then it's on the floor, disregarded.
And then they went cruises already by dinnertime being like, I want a new game.
Like more, more, more kind of affluenza, if you will, is something that I haven't quite figured out.
Like paired with genuine gratitude. Like I don't want them to just open a present
(25:52):
and say, thank you. Maybe this is because gift giving is my love language.
Like I want them to like really appreciate the thought behind it.
And like, I don't know, not just rush to the next thing.
Tension spans of gnats. Well, and they're just, they just feel entitled to another,
like it doesn't even cross their mind.
Like, yeah, the idea of like, Oh, I went with mom to target. I, I get a toy.
(26:15):
Yeah. Get a toy. So I'll get another one next target to do an errand. Right.
Which is my fault because we normally only go to target when they get their
flu shots and they I do bribe them with a toy But like also crew's got a gift
card, you know, so like it's just like i'm i'm trying to Even when the ice cream
truck comes now i'm like, oh, I I don't have money.
Where's your wallet? So i'm trying to make it Like them have the real consequence
(26:38):
of like, oh, I want a thing, but I don't have the money But it's so hard because
sometimes I just want to buy the ice cream cone, you know For them.
I don't know. Yeah, because you want to give them more than what you got,
right? There's this whole, you want to give them something better.
You want to give to your kids, but you also want them to be grateful that they got that.
Yeah. And yesterday, we were at a baby shower, and the kids were there, and Cruz won a game.
(27:00):
Great. So he got this $25 gift card, which is the start of all this.
Luna lost her mind that she didn't also win and was crying.
I mean, thankfully, quietly, but still, it was really awkward.
And I was parenting through it calmly.
I was pretty proud of myself. And then one of her lovely aunties like gave her money.
It was like, here you go. Here's no, and it was very well-intentioned,
(27:22):
but like, yeah, but that's very not what I want.
I don't know. Like I, so I do think maybe there are moments less in my house,
but more in the world. Like,
where Luna is upset. And I do think people show up for her differently as a
girl and are like, here's a present. Here's a toy.
Here's some money. Here's Auntie Nicole showing up at her house,
(27:43):
the biggest Barbie dream house you've ever seen.
It's not all good. Time and place. Time and place. It's not all good or bad.
But like my brother, like even on vacation, he was like, we just can't say no
to Luna. And I was like, yes, you can.
I will say, though, I feel the same way about Cruz too because Cruz I
sent them both earphones recently because
(28:03):
they both liked my earphones and I gave them both the earphones they were very nice
but like I was like they both wanted I was like okay here you go yeah
that wasn't earned I get it was very grateful and
like it was like let's send auntie Nicola thank you and Luna was
like oh a pink thing you put it in a basket but that's the problem right like
I don't I don't know like I want them to have the world but I want them to be
grateful and not turn into spoiled jerks do you think any of the way Luna gets
(28:27):
treated different is related to women have to appear happy and not upset so often. Maybe, yeah.
Especially with the men, the older men in my family, like my dad,
my brother. Oh, interesting.
Like when Cruz would cry about something, I wouldn't say they were callous or
mean, but they wouldn't immediately move to resolve it.
(28:47):
And I do think with Luna, maybe because she's the youngest, maybe because she's
the girl. I see that in my second.
I do it a lot with my second. I would immediately try to fix it instead of like
giving them the experience of weathering the uncomfortable.
Right, right. Yeah. I will say my second is a boy and I do that a lot with him
in terms of like things that if Evan had been upset about, I probably would
(29:09):
have been like, you're going to be fine.
Tough it out. Yeah, like you're going to be fine. And then Cole,
I'm like, okay, let's fix it.
Like, it's okay. Is that like a your patience is thinner thing?
Or it's like a second or third child thing?
I think it's like a second child, the baby a little bit.
And like I also learned not to die on that hill as like a parent
like we have been yeah like pick your
battles like it's not worth it like it's but he's also like
(29:32):
he's also a little bit more self-aware and like more grateful for things so
I feel more inclined to do things for him than I do my ungrateful one well it
makes me it makes me think about how like even with the same two humans yeah
you don't ever have the same parents right as your sibling because you're in a different place Yes.
I don't know. How does this show up in your house, Ashley?
(29:55):
For us, it's a lot of thinking things can be replaced.
So not treating things delicately or gently, not protecting things like you should.
I mean, we've had some, like, behavior issues over time with being,
like, aggressive and, you know, trashing your bedroom and whatnot.
But, like, you leave your iPad on the couch and your brother jumps on it.
Shouldn't have left it there. Like, I'm not going to replace it for you instantly.
(30:19):
Did that happen? No, but there's been so many close calls. And this summer Calvin
got a new iPad for his birthday.
So he had it out and he was excited about it. But then, you know,
being inattentive, he just leaves it there.
And then I see, like, the five-year-old come running. I'm like,
no, don't jump on it, please.
So, yeah, I get nervous about those things or just like throwing toys around
(30:41):
or Derek drove a car or something on the TV and it's just completely scratched.
Oh, no. I mean, you don't see it when it's like on, but when it's off,
it's just like squiggles all over and it's in two neat little roads.
So definitely some kind of vehicle.
But there is no like can't just
get a new one. Right. And that was the sentiment of like, what did you do?
(31:03):
I was like, we can get a new TV. No, no, no, we're not going to.
So it's kind of the consumerism, I think, too, thinking stuff is readily available
and it can always be replaced. Yeah, it can always be replaced.
Mom and dad somehow are paying for it because my kids are starting to learn
the money stuff, too. Calvin, in particular, with his allowance. But like.
I can't just replace everything all the time. We have to take care of it.
(31:25):
Make it last. Yeah, we see that a lot too. If like something gets broken,
they're like, I just want a new one.
I'm like, I don't know what to tell you. He's now a cheetah with no tail.
Like, I don't know what to tell you. You're not getting a new one.
Oh, it bothers me. Like I just, I'm the problem probably there.
I don't speak it out loud, but I'm like, oh, this is broken.
It has to go away. We have to fix it or I need a matching set.
(31:45):
I'm pretty sure there's not a single toy in our playroom that is not broken.
That isn't, but I'm like, it's what you got. I'm not fixing it.
You can throw it away if you want or you can donate it. But like it's still good.
Yeah. I have to manage my expectations around that. Like it's your thing.
Break it if you want and learn the lesson. But like you, Jenny,
part of me wants to like give them the matching set. Give them the whole thing.
(32:06):
Like you only play with it for a day and it's busted now. That sucks.
But like I have to sit in the discomfort so they can learn to tolerate the discomfort.
I do wonder how much of this is American culture too. Like not to overgeneralize,
but because Beto's from another country. And again, he came from much less means.
Like he didn't have, I don't want to misspeak. I don't think he had any toys
(32:26):
or very little, like a soccer ball or like made his own fun.
And so like he gets really triggered and like very angry very quickly about
some of these things in a way that I don't think my kids understand.
And we've tried to tell them carefully, you know, but it doesn't quite connect,
because it's not only their lived experience, but also like our peers,
(32:48):
our neighborhood, where they go to school.
Like they're, again, not really exposed to different levels of income on either
direction, but especially those that are truly impoverished.
I don't know. It just, but at some time, like I don't want to make them sad.
Like I think about when we recently went to Cuba and there's a whole story there
not to go too far down this rabbit hole, but because they're not able to get
(33:11):
new things in there as a country, they are so careful with their things.
And some of the art I saw there was so beautiful and unique and totally made
out of like recycled materials or, you know, Cuba's known for those old cars.
It's not only because they just like old cars, it's because they can't get new
stuff. So they really take care of.
(33:33):
But that was impactful to me as an adult. So like, like, do I bring them there to see that?
But like, it's also can be really sad and hard because our friends there were
like, well, you just bring us razors. By the time razors get to us,
they're rusted or dance attire because by the time things get here, the elastics are broke.
And even to think that in my adult mind was so impactful for me,
(33:56):
I want almost to have my kids see some of those moments, but I also don't want them to be so sad.
Cruz is such a deeply feeling kid. I think that would really upset him.
He might not be able to get past that.
You know, that like almost joke of like, there are kids hungry somewhere in
whatever country. But it's true.
No, I think getting them out of their own bubbles, first of all, is important, right?
(34:21):
And for them to see what they, the privilege that they do have so that maybe
they appreciate it more.
And then maybe it's a matter of finding opportunities, volunteer opportunities in that instance,
perhaps, perhaps that could help him to feel
like here's something I could do right to help
make it better and easier for other people if that
(34:42):
would bring him joy and and you know less discomfort I
guess the other thing I was thinking of when you were talking about like shirts for
every you know every day of the week for camp
or whatever if there are ways that we could get our kids involved
more in creating yeah these things instead
of the default because it's so easy now with
Amazon and Target get right down the street to just run out to
(35:04):
the store and buy something to fill a need versus let's
search the house for something that would work instead or let's
create something right that first of all it would get them off the video games
right for me at least in my house and it would teach them the value of reusing
repurposing things so not having to go out and buy more stuff and then maybe
(35:25):
there would be that trickle-down effect where they would actually treat it nicer
or if they created it themselves,
if they know and understand the time and effort that went into creating this thing.
Then they might be more likely to actually treat it well and in a way that would
last. I don't know, right?
Like in a perfect world. Well, maybe they would value it more,
right? If they made it, they would take care of it. All I can think about is
(35:46):
we're spending $70 on DIY supplies to make a t-shirt.
Right? And the privilege of time to do that. Yeah. It's a fair point. It's a fair point.
Because we thought we'd do it. We'd do some DIY stuff when we do parties, with
by the time it's over with like i've spent more money on the
diy in time thing than i did buying the five dollar
thing at target whatever parties are another good example we should do an episode
(36:07):
on that just like on expectations and what should or shouldn't be done for them
to feel celebrated that's a whole nother topic makes me think about the like
the there's this whole video going around a few months back of this 11 year
old blowing out her birthday candles and,
And the five-year-old was really pissed off about it.
And so the mom relit the birthday candles so the five-year-old could blow them out. Oh, no.
(36:32):
Multiple kids. Multiple kids, like, in the family. And you could see this 11-year-old's
face just, like, fall each time a kid got to blow out her candles on her cake.
And I was thinking about it when you were talking about, like,
how the auntie gave Luna an extra, like, $20.
And I was thinking about Cruz's experience. Like, he won it.
And now it's sort of a little invalidated the fact that like Luna just got handed
it right so having that idea that like,
(36:54):
We shouldn't be handing kids things just for the sake of doing it, right?
And it goes into this like privilege thing. Our kids are so privileged.
And I think the point of sitting in the discomfort of saying no or sitting in
the discomfort of not replacing something I think is really powerful.
And that's for us to do. Hard though.
As much if not more so as they have to learn to sit in discomfort with it too.
(37:15):
Like you're not always going to get what you want.
And I think it's going to get more as our kids get older. So like I'm going
to shout out to the listeners. tell us how, if you have kids that are like nine
and older, how you are sort of curbing this entitlement or overconsumption or ability.
Helping them keep perspective. Helping them keep perspective.
What are the things you're doing? Are you taking your kids along?
All the tips. All the tips. Like, we need some tips on how we're surviving this phase of parenthood.
(37:41):
This conversation did make me think of something our church did recently,
which was they had had pre-purchased items.
And then for a kid's activity, they had Ziploc bags and they made blessing bags,
which were like things to hand out to people who you see on the street that are homeless.
And it made me really uncomfortable.
I need to work on that. But I will say when we had those in the car and we would
(38:02):
pull up on an exit and see someone, they would roll down the window and hand
this person. And that did feel good.
And now that we don't have them anymore, they're like, we should give them money.
And I'm like, maybe we should make more blessing bags. So I don't, I don't know.
I don't think it's a perfect example, but something that they,
they did briefly that did seem to help.
Yeah. Exposure to that. So like, tell us the ways that you guys are doing to
(38:25):
help give your kids exposure to people who may not be as privileged or them
or not have as much of what they get.
Right. By also still balancing the need to want to give your kids like a good
life and experience. Right. For sure.
All right. I think that wraps up this week's episode. Thank you so much for
joining us for kicking off season two, and we will have much more for you in the next coming months.
(38:49):
And if you enjoy this episode, don't forget to subscribe so you never miss out on a future episode.
And if you want to connect with us, share your thoughts, you can find us at
ShePackUnleashed. Thank you for being a part of our pack.
This is Ashley, Jenny, Nicole, and Tanya signing off. Stay wild and fierce.
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