September 24, 2024 • 49 mins
Welcome to this episode of ShePack Unleashed, where hosts Tania, Nichole, Ashley, and Jenny dive deep into the complex world of adult language and its implications around children. The discussion spans various perspectives on the use of curse words, societal norms, and the impact of language on young ears.
The hosts share personal anecdotes and differing parenting strategies, exploring how they handle cursing in their own households. They debate the fine line between protecting a child's innocence and preparing them for the real world, touching on broader issues like respect, cultural differences, and the power of words.
Join this candid conversation as the ShePack discusses the reality of adult words, their own experiences growing up, and how they navigate these tricky waters with their own kids. Whether you're a parent, an educator, or just curious about the topic, this episode offers a thought-provoking look at language and its place in our lives.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:02):
Hello, and welcome to ShePack Unleashed. I'm one of your hosts, Tanya.
I'm Nicole. Welcome to your weekly dose of candid discussion and the pursuit
of finding your tribe in this journey of motherhood, womanhood, and sisterhood.
I'm Ashley. Join us as we leave no stone unturned. In each episode,
we have heart-to-heart conversations that aim to challenge and empower one another.
I'm Jenny. No more waiting. ShePack Unleashed begins now.
(00:27):
Yeah, we're fine. We don't have a dolly for this fucking episode.
In this episode, what the bleep, adult words and little ears.
I literally can't listen to you say what the bleep. What the bleep!
She laughs so hard. Bleep. So, warning. Okay, she's going to warn you before
I start. I don't know exactly how to warn, but we're going to be talking about adult words.
(00:48):
And if that is triggering to you or offensive or you have ears around that don't want to hear them.
Or that you don't want them to hear them. Stop now.
Yep. Abort. Abort! abort this fucking episode.
Okay for real though we wanted to talk about the reality of adult words right
(01:12):
and there's a whole connotation you can call it curse words swear words adult
words bad words like there's all different ways you can reference it but there
is a certain nomenclature in our vocabulary that
people associate with okay for adults to say, maybe not okay for kids to say.
And I think that we have a varied perspective on what is appropriate or not
(01:35):
appropriate for our kids to either hear and or to say.
And we thought it would be a really fun discussion. And our kids are of that
starting age to hear them, ask about them.
We're there. Want to know them. Oh, yeah.
We're there. So nine going on 10.
The youngest just turned five. So that's our age range here with our kiddos.
(02:01):
And at least for me personally, for my husband and I, we chose to,
we both have potty mouths, right?
Like we both use curse words often.
And we made the conscious choice to not use those words in front of our kid. Not same. Not same.
That was our choice, right? And so we would still curse with when we're out
(02:27):
with our friends and all those kind of things.
But when we were around our kids or kid groups or at birthday parties, right?
Like we got that sensor on. You put that work filter on also at work, right?
We would censor ourselves, which that's a whole other part of this conversation
that I'm excited to have.
But it was in our minds, that was the threshold, right?
Like when you're with your friend groups, when you're out just on your own time,
(02:49):
you use whatever words, bring your heart joy.
But it's interesting for me, there are certain scenarios where I would not use adult words, right?
Like if I go to church, I wouldn't use those. If I am in
a work environment i wouldn't use those if i'm around kids i wouldn't
use those words but i think we
have different opinions in here and i am excited to hear
(03:10):
about them well i think it's an interesting perspective how you say like you
put on a different persona for these different places not different persona
different filters different language not just that but like the the way you
speak or how you're the words you're using is different right yeah to me that feels like a persona.
Yeah, it feels like a persona to me also.
It may not to you, and that's fine.
(03:33):
I don't agree. I don't think it's a whole different persona.
Now, I will say, 10 years ago, when I was at RTI International,
I do feel like I had a slightly different persona as my work.
Person versus who I was at home. Who I am now is pretty much who I am, right?
(03:54):
But the words that I choose to use around certain people and in certain environments still change.
Because in my mind, it is a certain level of respect that I have for the people
around me because I don't know what other people around me are comfortable with.
Agreed. It's not just about what I want to do.
And this is a deeper issue in a conversation because it
(04:15):
relates to other things that are happening in our world of what
makes other people uncomfortable around you that you're
choosing to use or engage in and do you care do you not
care wait so you change your behavior or not to
you does it kind of become a consent thing where like sometimes
like your your freedom to speak stops where the
next person's ears start sometimes i will
(04:36):
i can still express myself without saying fuck like i
can still express my intention without using
certain words that might be triggering to others in certain scenarios
gotcha it's interesting because in my brain i think about it
is like as women we are so conditioned to make everybody else feel comfortable
around us for me that's not the driving i i that is true i think there's definite
(05:01):
internalization if that's for you fine i for all of us for every woman out there
i think there's internalization conscious or unconscious What?
Inconscious or no conscious that we are ingrained from a very small age to present
a certain way, to act a certain way, to make sure other people are comfortable around you. Right.
And to make other people feel comfortable. Right.
(05:23):
Whether it's words, whether it's people pleasing. I feel like that is ingrained
in women in society, whether you acknowledge it or really know it or not.
My husband follows the same mentality that I do around this issue.
Yeah, I totally hear you. But as a woman, it is more ingrained in you to do that.
(05:44):
I disagree, but that's okay. I agree, but I don't think about language in this example.
Yeah, I think in terms of cursing, I don't think that's an issue.
I do think that is a bigger issue.
Oh, interesting, because for me, cursing is like taking up space.
It pokes that, am I taking up space? Am I being freely myself?
And why isn't the word I say making you uncomfortable? Language has power and
(06:09):
in different cultures, different countries, it has meaning.
And if you don't know that and the culture you're around.
That is ignorant. The whole point of language is to communicate with others.
I hear you. But who gives that word more power than any other word?
Why is shit more powerful than stupid?
Yeah. I mean, it's a cultural thing for sure. But some of that cultural piece, I'm with you.
(06:31):
I see it as a gender difference where it's more acceptable for men.
And I know why I perceive it this way, but I just. Because you see it.
You see it in the way like there's locker talk and all this other stuff.
And that's natural, normal.
Yeah. It's more of that. I don't see a bunch of, like, it's not normalized that
a bunch of women get together and swear.
Yeah. It has been for 10 years. Sure, but I think we're different.
(06:56):
It's not presented in society that way. You don't see movies,
stories, shows that way. When I've seen it in media like that,
it's been like, what's the word for it? Taboo thing.
Like, taboo, but it's like a particular point in, like, a storyline.
Like, she got hysterical and used a four-letter word or something.
Oh, I don't know what movies you guys have been watching for the last 20 years,
but there's plenty of women swearing in the movies and TV shows I watch. They are.
(07:19):
And again, maybe it's just a cultural thing growing up in a slightly different,
less American culture too, but it's just not something that like women do.
It's not how it's taught.
Quick time out though, if I may. Yeah. Yeah.
Just a quick show of hands. When you grew up, did your parents curse in your house? No. Yes.
No. Like hard no. Yes. Hard no. Hard yes. In any language.
(07:43):
I don't remember. I don't remember hearing it in English.
I remember hearing it a couple of times in Farsi and being like,
oh, I know that's a bad word. Was it only the men in your life who would curse and not the women?
Is that like partly where this construct came from, where it's acceptable for men and not for women?
I don't know if it's acceptable for men in my upbringing. I think in public
you would hear more men than women.
(08:05):
That's a gross overgeneralization. I agree. Yeah, it might be.
That can be your opinion, but don't push it on others. I'm just saying that
is the. That's your experience.
Yes. I think she doesn't like that. I mean, I'm just saying I think it is also culturally ingrained.
Yeah. I can't pinpoint, but I have this like sense that the expectations for
(08:26):
women are different. OK.
No, I came from a household where my parents also did not curse in front of
us. Maybe they did in their private life. I don't know.
And now, like as a grown adult, like I will curse in front of my parents.
But there's also a part of me that's like, oh, I just said that word. Well, okay.
Yeah, I am 41 years old. I was going to say, you are a 40-year-old, 11-year-old woman.
(08:48):
But there is still a level of respect that I try to have, right,
in terms of – and these are conversations that I'm now having with my almost
10-year-old, too, of words have power. Yeah.
And the words that you use will change the way other people perceive you,
whether you like it or not. Yeah. Mm-hmm.
(09:08):
If you are in school and you are choosing to exercise that freedom and use these
words that you are starting to hear and starting to learn, it will change the
way other students look at you. It will change the way teachers look at you.
And that's just a part of the society that we live in, right?
And so what I am trying to now teach him is there are what I consider adult words.
(09:32):
And we try to get away from this idea of bad and good words.
Agreed. I don't like the language of bad words because words are words.
We assign the power to them as a society. We really do.
And then also individually in your families, I think you assign different levels of value to them.
There are some families that are like, sky's the limit. Say whatever you want to say, right?
(09:55):
And that's okay. And in some families, it's like hard no, absolute lockdown.
Absolutely not. And so we're in this gray zone area where I'm trying to peace
out and talk to him about what's appropriate and what's not appropriate and why.
And I'm having to define for myself why are these words appropriate or not appropriate.
(10:17):
And it kind of boiled down to the idea that he is a little kid for only so long.
It is a very finite amount of time that he is a little kid.
And a part of me wants to protect that innocence for him that I don't want to
look at my nine-year-old and have him being like, what the fuck, bro?
(10:39):
I don't want to hear that from my kid. he has
his whole life to use whatever colorful
language he wants to use right but the
hard boundary that we have drawn now is that you
never direct any of those kind of words at
another person in like a name calling kind of
way yes in a hurtful okay way right and
(11:00):
and we've had conversations now where we're like there are
times where you could drop something and be like shit it's not
directed anybody you know it's not saying you're being a
shit right now you're being an asshole you know we talk about the
intention of the word intention of the word matters yeah for
sure and so that's kind of where i'm starting to fall
because i didn't have these conversations with my parents and i remember i think
(11:25):
the first curse word that i started using if my parents are listening to this
it's still embarrassing to me but it was god damn it because i grew up in a very religious family,
and that was a bad one,
right? But in other families, it's like, okay.
And Ryan now, he's like, oh, Jesus, you know? And we're like,
hey, hey, hey, like pump the brakes.
(11:46):
It doesn't mean anything to him because we are not raising him in a religious
family. We're not going to church. We're not doing any of those things.
But I also know that if he is around other people or he's having conversations
with friends or in friends' households, that that That could be offensive to them.
Yeah. Do you guide him to like shorten that to G's?
(12:08):
Like, do you give him an alternative? I don't give him that alternative,
but I do say, you can say other things. You don't need to say that, right?
So, yes, I guess I do give him alternative ideas, but I haven't thought to use
G's, right? Because it's just so close to it.
But it's just this idea, right? Like, I am still figuring out what are the parameters and why.
(12:31):
Because I do want to give him rationale of why are we asking you to not say
these words. And I think it's super important because I grew up with my parents
swear all the time, right?
But if you swore, you're not allowed to swear. But like, why are you not allowed?
Why am I not allowed to swear? Because you're a child and I'm an adult.
And I was very much like, well, fuck that. I don't
(12:52):
I don't like that because I said so right it was very much not
logical yeah it's very much like you're you're a
child and you don't have the right to say those things or
like you can't say those things and not explained in a way of like what it means
so we're very intentional about explaining the meaning of every word when it
(13:12):
comes out like hey what's this word okay this is what we did we just had a whole
conversation yesterday Evan in the car was like mom someone someone said the B word.
Which B word? And I was like, what's the B word? And he's like,
I'm not allowed to say it. And I was like, you're most certainly allowed to
tell me what word you're talking about.
And he told me it was the word bitch. And I said, do you know what that means?
And I like literally did the whole Webster definition of what the word means.
(13:35):
And I said, do you know why people use it? And we explained out like why people
say it and who it's directed to and the hurtfulness of it.
And like, words have power when you give them power, in my opinion. I am very much like,
The word is only as powerful as you let it be for yourself, which is very different
for other people, right?
My husband and I jokingly cuss at each other a lot.
(13:58):
And I think the first time somebody heard him call me a bitch,
I think they almost like fell over.
And they're like, how would he call? Why would you let him call you that?
And I'm like, it's not anything.
Like he's not saying it in an intentionally like mean way. It's just a word. It's just a word.
But then you have to clarify that with your kids who are growing up hearing
it. Well, yeah, he does not say that at me. My husband and I are house divided.
(14:22):
Oh, interesting. In terms of our cuss word belief.
He grew up without his parents ever cussing. He still to this day does not say
cuss words in front of his parents. Yeah.
I don't know that I realized this around him and I am instantly recalculating
my language choice. He is not upset about you losing the language,
(14:43):
but like around the kids.
I will say like him and I have had lots of conversations about language in front of the kids.
And I also am aware other people do not like it. So I do my best to refrain from it.
With your own kids or with other kids? With other kids. OK.
You use any language in front of your kids or do you have a certain threshold where you abstain?
(15:07):
I mean, no, I'm not very good at it. I use any language in front of my kid. Okay.
I don't filter it. And sometimes Cole will say to me, mom, language.
Because he hears Steve correct me and say, Cole, language.
I mean, that's not a horrible thing either because he's testing his own tolerance
and his own understanding. Right. I'm like, oh, sorry.
(15:28):
Let me rephrase that. Right. So if they mention it to me, I will do my best.
But I'm not like intentionally doing it. It's just...
Yeah. In my brain. Well, so Ashley do. So you said you do not have a filter
for any of the words, right? You use any words.
Do your kids also use any words? Is that acceptable?
What's the. They have started to. So this is something that Bob and I decided
(15:51):
like very early on, we weren't going to like filter ourselves in that way.
We're going to speak freely. Okay.
Like you were saying, we don't like direct. Are you big potty mouths?
I think that's also an interesting thought, like, or just perspective is like,
do you use a curse word once every like five days? Or is it like five times every hour?
Yeah, it's probably more of that. Like I definitely lean more into the colorful
language. Like for sure. Bob does too.
(16:14):
But our decision early on was they're just words. They have meaning that you give them meaning.
So the kids have said things like my five-year-old has said, what the fuck?
And had to go, hey, is this an okay time to say that? And we have a discussion
about it. You don't say that at school.
Other people don't understand. understand but if they say a word
like grammatically correct all right context
(16:37):
like so there is thresholds for you guys of where it's appropriate and where
it's not appropriate correct okay the other area that we choose not to censor
is music so we don't listen to edited music in our house at all we don't either
it's art that's how we've presented it it's art it's language it's expression say what you will.
And sometimes if that's the colorful language that you need to express yourself,
(17:00):
like that has a time and place.
But like you guys are saying, depends on the audience, depends on the context.
So we're trying to learn that. There are a couple exceptions to that.
When we're singing along to songs, like listen to a lot of hip hop, zero N-word.
Absolutely zero. Zero tolerance for that. So like even if I'm singing along
to something, you will not hear that word come out of my mouth.
I don't want to hear it out of them.
(17:21):
I might smack someone upside the head if they say it. Like very, very firm about that.
We also don't like the word cunt. I know a lot of people don't like it, but that's just not.
I don't like that word either. Yeah. And I can't really like articulate why, but that's just like.
It's had such a negative misogynistic connotation to it for so long.
Yeah. That one's ingrained.
Yeah. As only derogatory. Yep. So those are limits.
(17:43):
For me. Same for me. I don't prefer that one. Yeah. Those are limits.
And then the directing at people. But I mean, for us, we present it as language.
If you use it correctly in the right context, if you're old enough to understand the meaning,
that that's your business to express yourself that way
how about directed at you is that
permissible it hasn't happened yet okay
how would you feel if your kid said you're
(18:07):
being a bitch it would probably stop me
in my tracks if i'm being honest but i
would then question why are they using such strong language in this
moment what are they expressing that they don't have other language to
express okay and it'd probably open up a conversation that way and and it would
like i said get my attention and that's probably what they would mean to do
they're probably being provocative on purpose at that point so thanks for getting
(18:29):
my attention like let's talk about it a hundred percent agree on that we've
had many a conversation about.
Curse words and exactly that like often for young children in particular you
know we have to remember i was a teacher like when i see young children do cursing
it's often they're repeating what they've heard,
(18:51):
like parroting, and they don't really understand the meaning.
Or they're experiencing such intense emotion and they do not have the vocabulary to describe it.
So it is indicative of them having not enough words.
And I think that's really wise.
My experience is definitely closer to Tanya's. My parents did not curse.
(19:14):
I don't remember hearing curse words, except for maybe in German.
And I knew it was a bad word, but I wasn't entirely sure. I don't know any German
except for the bad words.
But with my kids, I wanted something different.
I don't want them to curse. I do find it offensive in most situations.
(19:34):
But I also don't want them to be afraid of it or not talk to me about it.
That's really important to me.
So I was telling Tanya, I think we started in the summer just with Cruz, the nine-year-old.
But I think he was like six or seven when we started making a tradition to be
like, OK, buddy, it's just us. It's actually what I was dropping off at camp.
Respect. The level of respect that I expected at my house that like that's not OK.
(20:02):
Agree. I say this like I would react the same way at you. Like I try not to
cuss at your house and your house with your kids around.
I do my best to like hold it back as me too, girl.
As best as I can. At my own house. Yeah. Me too, girl. As best as I can. Sometimes it slips.
But like I don't think our approaches are actually any different.
Right. It is just that you personally do not feel comfortable saying those words
(20:26):
around your children. Yeah.
And it's ebbed and flowed. Obviously, I married a Marine.
Well, and Latin culture is very different in language. It certainly depends on the culture.
Like there are very many countries and very many Latin cultures.
But yes, my husband's family curses more frequently, not my mother-in-law,
but the brothers in both languages and some countries that speak Spanish.
(20:50):
The words that hold meaning here, like shit, it's the same word in Spanish,
but it doesn't hold the same meaning.
There are other words there that mean they're like innocent here that hold a
significant amount of offensive meaning.
And that's why I mean like there is a bit of culture there to be aware of.
Where like the tone matters and stuff?
(21:11):
It's the tone or I can't think of a good example. I can give an example in Farsi
as a curse word literally translated would be go suffocate.
But that's like right it doesn't sound like you like the
equivalent but literally translate it oh choke
on a dick no it's not that endearing not
(21:32):
at all it's much meaner than that but right if you
don't know like the language and the culture you might not know that
like in Shakespeare time it was I bite my thumb at you like now
we'd be like what are you talking about what's wrong with your thought you know
the friends was it friends episode where they did oh I need that
I still do that in the gym sometimes
to the trainers to each other now right but
(21:53):
it's it's a sign that they gave meaning to that that
like is gibberish right but that is language that
is communication I hear you and I think it's important to understand like
who's giving that power yeah if you're doing
this like pumping your fists together I do that yeah all
the time just so you know you're right
you're absolutely right like that is the same
(22:15):
idea uh-huh right it's just different
gestures that different groups are familiar with
right isn't that like a bad yeah she's oh yeah like flicking your chin yeah
or like the the this one or whatever that's interesting so you do the double
hands no middle to my brother all the time but it's because of the origin sometimes
to my husband and often at the gym but you will never flip somebody off.
(22:40):
I almost did today but in general it is not so you thought about it you would
do no I like honestly I feel like if I'm angry enough that I want to express
this I have better and more stronger and more hateful words that I can use than
using the symbol or the fuck word yeah.
(23:00):
Like, I will demolish you with my words. Sometimes I feel like it's a lazy option. I agree.
Oh, for sure. Oh, yeah. I think that there are more thoughtful ways to communicate
your intention, your thoughts, than using the colorful language, right?
And so that's part of also the conversation I've had with Ryan is,
(23:20):
like, there's lots of ways to communicate what you want to get across, right? Right.
Like you don't have to use these words in order to get my attention or to communicate
what you need necessarily.
And and it's it's hard, though, because I know we're entering this gray zone.
And since he entered fourth grade, the fourth grades and fifth graders share a bathroom trailer.
(23:43):
God. And once he entered fourth grade and with the fifth graders mixed in,
he said there is lots of colorful things on the bathroom walls that he has been learning or seeing.
And they're experimenting at that age like that's totally natural and similar
to Jenny right like we have instituted this whole like every so often I'm like hey dude,
(24:04):
hit me with your best one I just want to know like I just want to see where
you're at and we have an open door policy.
Any word you hear that you want to know what that is you come to me and you
ask me and I will tell you honestly and you will never get in trouble for it
yep ever is that the way you were raised though?
No yeah like i think that's also different power
(24:27):
our generation is doing in terms of saying like we're not going to give
language as much power we're going to dissect it down
and like break it down gives it power right the secrecy
the like the part of like only getting away with
something right only adults can use it right like feels
like it's like there's something you need and you're going to eventually get
or this rite of passage or this like moment into adulthood right where it's
(24:49):
not it's just a word and like if you stub your toe and say shit like I'm not
gonna say anything about it I'm gonna be like yeah I bet that fucking hurt I bet that hurt,
yeah I feel like.
I don't mean to bring everything back to either Taylor Swift or Harry Potter,
but like when we were reading Harry Potter, you know, there's the people that
(25:11):
are born of wizard blood and then there are people that are born from like non-magic.
Muggle is the appropriate term, but if you hear a character,
especially the Malfoys, they say mudblood.
And that is like the equivalent of the N word, like very derogatory.
And Cruz was about six when we had that conversation. He was like, what's the problem?
You know, and it was a really helpful conversation. So I feel like for me,
(25:34):
those are the places where I'm like the most concerned and like personally offended. Yeah.
So getting back to the idea of like perception, right?
How people perceive you, right? So we've been talking about our kids and the
idea of our kids using these words.
But even like as adults, I do feel like there are certain scenarios where it's
(25:55):
appropriate for me to use certain language.
And then there are other scenarios where it's not, right? Right.
So like work is one avenue.
If I were meeting with a client, I would not be cursing unless I have a thousand
percent, unless I have an intimate relationship, not intimate,
sorry, a longstanding established relationship and rapport with a client or,
you know, whoever it might be where that's just acceptable.
(26:16):
And it's understood that that is OK.
I thousand percent agree. And even then they got to say it first.
Yeah, I'm not going to be OK first in that kind of context. I also agree.
I wouldn't curse in front of a client. client right not
not because like i'd be afraid of
how they perceived me it's just not those words wouldn't like
necessarily come up in natural conversation but they
(26:38):
are natural conversation for you here they're not natural
they're only in context like i don't go around your toe in front of a client
you wouldn't say shit i might yeah but you would censor yourself in that same
context correct i actually maybe wouldn't like let's be real i probably would
say shit if i set my toe in in front of a client. Okay.
(26:58):
Like, that's a natural, like, hurt action. Yeah.
Like, but in general, like, I wouldn't...
Just say curse words I don't just say curse words like out
of context a lot of times in my home like it's in
a context or we're talking about something or it's in
a conversation of a story we're telling or something it is not necessarily just
(27:19):
like randomly throughout I just don't go out there and she'll throw fuck bombs
around like it is yeah in a conversation and I appreciate I think that's true
and fair and I appreciate that I think for me it's it is my kids because like
Like anytime they hear a new curse word, it opens up a new conversation.
It's like a whole work stream I have to manage.
I just like, I don't like it around my kids at all. I don't like it on TV.
(27:41):
I tolerate it in good music, but like that's where I really don't like it,
especially in public settings, like at the pool with teenagers nearby.
Like I will say something if it's loud and noxious and like every other word
around my five-year-old.
Last night or two nights ago at swim practice And there were there were like
preteens in the pool that were just left and right curse words.
(28:05):
And I was like, this is not appropriate at the public pool.
Yeah. All these millions of other kids around like. But that's different.
That's different. And make them shut up. But that's different than I could see
Luna doing this like a little one at pool coming out like stabbing her toe and
saying shit like that is different.
The intent is different. The impact is different. This was this was for shock
(28:27):
value. They were doing it because they knew they were offensive and they thought
that is like to see what happens.
And or in their household, it is just completely open policy and they have zero
value associated with those words. That is a possibility.
It is a possibility. However, I will say like, just to like close this out,
(28:50):
like when it's just me with you guys or at a bar or adults, like it doesn't offend me as much.
The derogatory, discriminatory, like ones do. The religious ones do.
Normally, I have to remind myself. They don't even think of that meaning,
but in any religion, not even Christianity.
The actual curse words don't. I don't mind cunt.
(29:15):
I don't mean bitch, fuck, shit. Say them all. Damn.
There's even a song. Do you guys know the song? No. What?
We need to hear the song. I can't sing, so it's going to be painful. I don't know it.
Shit, damn. Damn. Hold on. Shit. Shit. Damn.
Fuck a damn. Damn. Some motherfucker just stole my man, but I'll find another
(29:37):
fucker better than the other fucker. Shit. Damn. Fuck a damn.
Damn. Damn. Damn. I've never.
That's like a tongue twister. Yeah, it's like a tongue twister. Wow.
It's interesting. That is going to be the best short on TikTok that we're going
to have. I'm going to have to like make that one special.
It's really interesting that you find the like words more offensive.
I find it more offensive when people are trying
(29:58):
to talk to my children about religion than i do oh
a hundred percent ever said fuck to my kid yeah no i don't disagree and even
like that is truly for a parent little children who learn about it and then
are telling my children about it so by that same token it's this idea that that an idea ideology,
(30:19):
verbiage is similar pushed upon your kids with different value and sort of relating
to that That same concept of
if your kids or you as adults used strong language in front of our kids,
that you are pushing that language upon our children just by exposure. Yes.
So it's the same concept. I hear you.
(30:43):
My problem is like the, it's the how much we, but like you're not,
society is not saying that that's not bad.
You can devalue religion. Right. I'm just saying like you value this word.
It is publicly acceptable. If you want to use that argument.
It is publicly acceptable to talk about religion in public.
I would say that is not true everywhere.
(31:03):
That is true in the Bible belt with so many Baptist families.
Like here, I have not lived in North Carolina my whole life.
That is absolutely not my experience or would not be acceptable in Pennsylvania or Connecticut.
But here in North Carolina, it's not offensive.
It is not societally deemed. You are not going to look down.
It's assumed, if anything.
(31:23):
It is assumed and it is okay to have signs about Jesus out in the world.
All the thank you Jesus signs on the road. All the thank you Jesus signs.
It is widely acceptable.
But in the same token, the word shit is not widely acceptable.
Agreed. And I think it is far less offensive, the word shit,
than it is to have Jesus things all over the place. Yeah. Those are some strong words.
(31:46):
And you didn't even need a curse word to express that. And I don't say I need
a curse word to express it, but I want the ability to say it if I want to.
Yeah. Right? I'm curious, do you guys also limit adult concepts as well as these
adult words? Can you give examples? Yes.
So back in music, right? If there are...
(32:07):
It just comes to mind talk about ops and shooters for
example i don't even know what that means oh okay never mind
then so like is this a video gamer i probably i
don't intend to say it's like we're talking about call of duty
here let me like just to pause like probably but
not by intent okay just by like they're not exposed dildo
(32:27):
if there is like i know we've done like
sex toy parties no kids allowed but like would you
would you censor those words because it's
not a curse word yes but you would choose not i say
those things because i don't want to have that conversation with my child yet
however if they hear it or they saw it or they overheard it i absolutely would
okay and i have you would explain yes yeah so in a song someone's isn't tripping
(32:52):
on the powder and yeah i don't think we listen to the same song no but that's
what i'm getting at like these things come up in the genre of music that I listen to.
She does say a lot and that's okay. Like, no, I, no.
Yeah, I think the answer is like, I don't seek it out to kind of Tanya's old earlier point.
Like, I'm okay with them being kids and being innocent for as long as they want,
(33:15):
so long as it keeps them safe.
But more important than any of that, I want them to know they can always talk
to me about anything. So long as it keeps them safe.
Yeah. That's so interesting to me because I find the exposure,
in my opinion, and keeps them safe too because they're not ignorant to it.
There is absolutely a balance.
I think it changes as they grow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Protection, right?
(33:36):
And then all of a sudden finding themselves in the world. Like,
you know, we are one more year in elementary school and then you go to middle school.
Jesus. You need to tell them anything they need to know before middle school.
The first time I said a curse word was in sixth grade. I remember it.
It was middle school for me for sure. I mean, to be clear, you need to tell
your kid anything you wanna tell them.
Curse words sex talks puberty like
(33:57):
all of it before middle school because they will hear it yeah i
mean i was shepherding a field trip and like one of the kids said op
and his dad was with him his dad's like do you know what that means and he's
like ashley what does it mean yeah i don't know it's someone who's like up in
your business like think like operative someone spying on you up in their business
being nosy oh like telling on you that bad on you no but like it's you know
(34:19):
You know what Riz means? Because I would like to know what Riz means.
Riz, it comes from charisma. Riz. I didn't know. The kids were writing it on
their backs in Sharpies at swim team.
And I was like, from Greece? Isn't that a character?
Yeah, charisma. I'm going to go Riz on her and I'm going to go charm her or
flirt with her. I like that now.
But I assumed it was good or they wouldn't have it on their back.
I thought it was the character in Greece.
(34:39):
Wasn't it Rizzo? I thought it was Rizzo.
That's actually not terrible, though. Show your age there. But there are,
you know, as I'm sitting here thinking, Ashley, like, We don't hear those kinds of songs.
We don't watch those kinds of shows normally.
Okay. But there are moments where I am proactively sharing.
Are there not kids in school that would be exposed to that stuff?
(35:01):
There are certainly kids exposed everywhere.
It's actually the opposite for me, which might surprise.
Hey, hey now. No, no, no. It might surprise you.
I would like to get my point out. You shouldn't make judgments on the fact that
they are in a Catholic school because all kinds of things happen in all kinds
of schools. Agreed. Right.
What I'm trying to say is that the areas in which I have been proactive with
(35:24):
Cruz are because of the environment he's in, where I have been very explicit with him.
For example, like I completely value any relationship and believe love is love
and team pride and same sex relationships and family looks different.
Those are conversations that he and I are having proactively and have been since
(35:44):
kindergarten at various levels. Like, I'm not trying to force my beliefs on him.
But when we talk about why does mommy choose to go to a different church when
we go to Catholic school, we go to Catholic mass on Thursday.
Why does mommy choose to go to Crosspoint?
Well, I believe, and that's how I phrase it. This is what I believe.
The Catholic church right now has a different belief that makes me uncomfortable.
(36:07):
What do you think? Like, those are the kinds of adult conversations we're having.
And I'm proud that we have those. but I'm not telling, I'm trying not to tell him what I believe.
And I want him to come to his own conclusions. And we have cool conversations.
And it's not only about religion. Like I know that's touchy for you,
but it's a good experience.
Like why, why mom do you, do we know there's a God? How do we know there's a
(36:30):
God? Is he real? And I'm like, I don't know. Nobody knows.
This is what I choose to believe in. Why? Let's talk about it.
So, yes. Well, and in a similar vein, like there are lots of things that we have censored for Ryan.
It's not just the language piece, right? Like we don't watch shows or movies that have violence.
We don't watch cartoons that have a bunch of fake blood in them necessarily, right?
(36:55):
And it has been a progressive thing as he has grown older.
We've started watching shows where they are fighting and they may fight with
swords and then somebody like falls down.
But there's not like a spray of fake blood, right?
That does accompany some even animated shows, right? There are animated shows
that are made exclusively for adults that have that kind of thing in it too.
(37:15):
Yes, like Archer I was watching last night. Yes, absolutely.
And so I think it's one of those things like it's not just the language. I agree.
But there's this broader idea of there are just some things that it's unnecessary
for you right now, but I also know we are now on the cusp of like he's going
to hear these things, He's going to see these things.
(37:37):
He's going to find them. His friends are going to show him.
And I really would rather he see them or hear them or know about them from us. I agree. Totally.
Totally. And so now I find myself like, ooh, we're going to have to get into some uncomfortable.
Yeah. For you. Yeah. For you. Yeah. Right.
To set him on a path where he's not going to be blindsided.
(38:02):
Yes. by friend groups or manipulated by friends. Or made embarrassed because he doesn't know.
I absolutely, I am aware of that.
And I don't want to set him up for failure, so to speak, in that way.
Right information power right it also keeps him safe if
he knows what they're saying when they're like hey do you want
(38:23):
to smoke some weed with me right like he knows
right what the weed yeah but like substances
but like it's oh yeah understand if he
knows what those things are i agree 100% weapons
all sorts of sexual things right it's
funny you mentioned like video games because i think that
is an area where we have maybe some more adult conversations particularly
(38:46):
with my oldest we always go i use common sense media as
my source of truth it's a non-profit that goes
beyond just the rating whether it's e for a switch game
or pg for a movie they'll explain the
rating they'll explain like what is it like more detailed for it's for a parent
then they have a parent reviews educator reviews kid reviews and it'll be like
(39:07):
i think this movie could you could be you have to be 14 and a kid will be like
i watched this movie and i was six and i was fine you know like it's actually
really enlightening there's there's There's a spectrum, but you know your kid
and it's really helpful.
And so Cruz and Luna know like this is, this is when there's a debate in our house.
Normally Beto wants to watch a movie that's like PG-13 and I don't,
I don't think it's appropriate. We go to Common Sense Media.
(39:29):
Together? Together as a family, like pull it up on the screen and we look at
what is it that's in there? Is it cigarette smoking?
Okay, we're okay with that. Why? Like we have very active conversations.
We let him get his first game that wasn't rated E. It was like a Zelda game.
Game and like literally he's playing like a week later he's like
i think i know why it's not rated e mom i'm like oh yeah why he's
(39:49):
like because we're not just killing like zombies or fake creatures we're
like killing like animated real humans and i'm like oh yeah
that makes sense and it's like archery and knives but like not not bloody but
like and then they go he's he's aware and we're having these conversations can
we talk about how they sound like they're having an orgasm every time they speak
in that game in that in zelda in zelda every girl every single time i'm over
(40:12):
here We haven't had that conversation.
I'm like, that's not even, like that's worse than shit in my opinion.
You're listening to like the- But isn't that so interesting, Nicole, that like-
The thing that you find offensive or awkward the most are the things that are more sexual.
Yes. Where I don't. You know, everybody has that line for you.
But I don't like censor. I don't say anything about it. All I look at Stephen
go and I'm like, are they orgasming on that screen?
(40:35):
Like what is happening here?
Yeah. It's because it's very much like that. I am a game. It's problematic to
me. It is probably the biggest drawback of that game.
Cruz has headphones. So no, I never knew. Just so you know, when you listen
to it, it's like that. But it's interesting because like I think the 90s Disney
movies are worse than any of the other movies. They are.
There's a lot. Lion King is scarring.
(40:58):
Yeah, your kids were reenacting that for a while. For a long time.
Processing. Yeah. So you'll like Common Sense Media. You can go in there and
put even the Disney movies. They'll have all those warnings.
I don't know. If you follow Common Sense Media recommendations like to the T,
you're never going to watch a movie ever again in the history of the world.
Because every movie. But I don't know if it's what's following that.
(41:18):
Movies they're like there's violence but exactly patricide it's
yeah it's not it's not about green light red light it's about let's have a conversation
about what we're about to see and talk about it before you see it and you're
a young impressionable child trying to make sense of the world it's it's more
like fodder to have a conversation than you know thumbs up thumbs down,
(41:42):
yeah and i think we looked up the goonies i think
real bad media real bad i was like
damn it we really wanted to watch that but hasn't
it had me maybe it's just me because i'm the uptight one here but hasn't
it happened where you're like oh i love that movie when i was a kid let's watch
it and you're with your kids and you're like oh i didn't remember any of that
no i knew i was very self-aware that all the movies we grew up watching or many
(42:05):
of them right yeah for beto it was home alone he was watching it with luna one
day and i came and he was like i didn't remember there was there's so much language in this movie.
My kids love Home Alone too.
But like, that's a good example of like, let's talk about the language.
Let's talk about what words we don't repeat. Let's talk about why.
Cause if you don't, Luna's gonna go to her preschool teacher and be like,
(42:25):
guess what word I heard yesterday?
That's so interesting because my kids do not, like, have that inclination.
Like, they don't want to go share the words they learn or know or whatever.
Is that for sure? Yeah. I mean, I've never, like, listen, I get called from
the teachers at Evan's school, like, once a week. And it has never once been for language. Okay?
Never once. Lots of other things. But it is not, we do not have a language problem.
(42:47):
And he knows the words. We have lots of conversations about the words.
He just doesn't, that's not, like, in his.
Well, I do think that's an important point. Yeah. I think that every kid is
going to be different and every family is going to be different, as we say all the time.
Right. Like these are things to consider.
Right. And you got to consider your family dynamic. You got to consider the
(43:09):
circles that you're in and how you want these things to play out.
And your own kids. If I say bad words in front of kids, just pinch me.
Oh, yeah. She doesn't like being touched. That's a great one.
It'll help like negative reinforce. That feels fair.
Yeah I think you'll like the pinch better I think I'm gonna do a slow tickly touch,
(43:30):
the side of her face she really likes that but I do my best to try not to I
know you do and I I'm not a hundred percent I don't score I'm not a hundred
percent I and and I I am more stringent about it and I might have the bigger
potty mouth of the two of us at least right so So, like, it's okay.
It's just interesting. Because, like, my husband is so on, like.
(43:53):
But, like, I had a very different level when my son was five versus where he's at now.
But you guys all have five-year-olds, right? Yes. And I have a five-year-old who's a parrot.
Okay. Right? Like, okay. Yeah. And we're still not actively cursing in front
of our kid, you know, with abandon or without abandon. But.
(44:14):
Is happening now in the music that we watch or in the movies that we watch.
And we've tried to talk to him like finding movies that we want to actually
watch together as a family is getting harder.
Yeah. For the ones that don't have adult language in them, at least,
or some of the adult concepts, crude jokes, you know, that kind of thing.
And so I'm like, buddy, we're going to start to be seeing things that might
(44:35):
raise questions for you.
And it's just this open policy open door
policy of let's talk about it please because
i want to be the person who can at least help you understand
what they are agreed yeah i don't know this is fun i like it this is fucking
fun why is it that i'm the one who cursed the most i love it that's a song you're
(45:01):
serenading i remember singing that over and over and over in my head on the bus at like Like, 10.
Okay, I think, I will say with Ryan, you asked, you said Cruz,
he said the F word, right?
Ryan also, I think when we first played that game, he said the F word.
And I was like, what's the F word, honey?
And he's like, I can't say it. I was like, no, no, no, you can say it.
(45:21):
Free? And I was like, mm-hmm.
Okay, because it was at an age. Was he censoring himself? It was a few years
ago. No, he didn't know what it was. He thought it was.
It was a few years ago. and for him and because
it felt derogatory and like we don't yeah we don't
use that word because it can have very derogatory connotations right in terms
(45:42):
of people's ability yes right like we've talked about ethnicity has a lot of
derogatory words but ability level also have a lot of derogatory words you just
made me think of my least favorite word ours is stupid it's not a
lot of say we said hard stops for me versus the colorful yes uh-huh which yours
the most offensive word to me yeah anyone could ever say other than the n word
(46:05):
and other than that f word with six letters are you thinking of that one that
starts with an r yeah yeah retarded oh,
I really, really bother with that word, I don't think. And it hasn't ever come
up in a way. I'm sure kids have said it around them.
Yeah. I actually don't think so. They would have, like, Evan is very much a,
like, let me tell you kind of kid.
(46:25):
He's going to tell you everything he has heard. And you don't think he's doing
that with his teachers and friends? You wrong.
It goes both ways. His teacher, we are very, very close with his teacher.
So, like, she is, we talk weekly. Like, she calls us.
We just chat for a long time like if he was saying
any of those things we would know like there's a
(46:46):
lot that happens and we know about it and that's not what cole on
the other hand cole i mean i don't know he's
also like doesn't like to get in trouble and if he thinks he's gonna be in trouble
for anything honey he could still be talking to his friends on the playground
just guarantee he's talking shit on the playground about it yeah it doesn't
mean he is i just yeah no i'm just saying like we all like to think that our
(47:07):
kids are like the most innocent thing i don't think that at all I don't think
my kids are innocent whatsoever.
But I think they would, they tell me like we have, they want to tell me these things.
Like they would bring it to us because they know, like, I hope that that continues. Yeah, I agree.
But it's because we try to keep making it a safe space for them to tell these
(47:27):
things to us and not be in trouble and have like no consequences for it.
And you have to actually live up to that no consequences.
Yes. And it's hard, but I think it's so important.
That's what we're really, really trying to do. I think this is one of the first
like levels of laying that foundation of trust with our kiddo to not feel like
he has to hide or be ashamed or,
you know, be subversive about what he's doing because I see it happening already.
(47:52):
Right. And he'll be like, no, I didn't say that. I'm like, I clearly heard you
say it. Like, you don't need to lie about that. It's fine.
Right. But like, let's talk about it too. Yeah.
And it's just the beginning. It's just the tip of the iceberg of the things
that our kids are going to have to navigate and tackle and what they feel comfortable
talking to us about or not talking to us about. Yeah. So.
(48:14):
Well, follow us on Sheephack Unleashed. On this episode, I want you guys to
tag and tell us if you curse or don't curse in front of your kids.
I want to like know, is this like, we're kind of a house divided here.
So I want to know if this is like the true population. It's like, is it a 50-50 split?
Yeah, it'd be interesting to know. So thanks for hanging out with us and enjoying
all the curse words of this episode.
(48:37):
Thank you for being a part of our fucking pack.
I love that.
Can you do it? Can you sign us out? This is your four head bitches in charge.
Ashley, Jenny, Nicole, and Tanya.
Stay wild and fucking fierce. Yeah. Wild and fucking fierce. Sure.
(48:59):
I love it. good job because of your face you're making because of how red you
are all of a sudden because i can't wait oh i think i need to scoot more in
i can't do it i'm gonna stare at you no i won't i won't look.
Hello, and welcome to ShePack Unleashed. I'm one of your hosts, Tanya.
I'm Nicole. Welcome to your weekly dose of candid discussion and the pursuit
of finding your tribe in this journey of motherhood, womanhood, and sisterhood.
I'm Ashley. Join us as we leave no stone unturned. In each episode,
we have heart-to-heart conversations that aim to challenge and empower one another.
I'm Jenny. No more waiting. ShePack Unleashed begins now.
(00:27):
Yeah, we're fine. We don't have a dolly for this fucking episode.
In this episode, what the bleep, adult words and little ears.
I literally can't listen to you say what the bleep. What the bleep!
She laughs so hard. Bleep. So, warning. Okay, she's going to warn you before
I start. I don't know exactly how to warn, but we're going to be talking about adult words.
(00:48):
And if that is triggering to you or offensive or you have ears around that don't want to hear them.
Or that you don't want them to hear them. Stop now.
Yep. Abort. Abort! abort this fucking episode.
Okay for real though we wanted to talk about the reality of adult words right
(01:12):
and there's a whole connotation you can call it curse words swear words adult
words bad words like there's all different ways you can reference it but there
is a certain nomenclature in our vocabulary that
people associate with okay for adults to say, maybe not okay for kids to say.
And I think that we have a varied perspective on what is appropriate or not
(01:35):
appropriate for our kids to either hear and or to say.
And we thought it would be a really fun discussion. And our kids are of that
starting age to hear them, ask about them.
We're there. Want to know them. Oh, yeah.
We're there. So nine going on 10.
The youngest just turned five. So that's our age range here with our kiddos.
(02:01):
And at least for me personally, for my husband and I, we chose to,
we both have potty mouths, right?
Like we both use curse words often.
And we made the conscious choice to not use those words in front of our kid. Not same. Not same.
That was our choice, right? And so we would still curse with when we're out
(02:27):
with our friends and all those kind of things.
But when we were around our kids or kid groups or at birthday parties, right?
Like we got that sensor on. You put that work filter on also at work, right?
We would censor ourselves, which that's a whole other part of this conversation
that I'm excited to have.
But it was in our minds, that was the threshold, right?
Like when you're with your friend groups, when you're out just on your own time,
(02:49):
you use whatever words, bring your heart joy.
But it's interesting for me, there are certain scenarios where I would not use adult words, right?
Like if I go to church, I wouldn't use those. If I am in
a work environment i wouldn't use those if i'm around kids i wouldn't
use those words but i think we
have different opinions in here and i am excited to hear
(03:10):
about them well i think it's an interesting perspective how you say like you
put on a different persona for these different places not different persona
different filters different language not just that but like the the way you
speak or how you're the words you're using is different right yeah to me that feels like a persona.
Yeah, it feels like a persona to me also.
It may not to you, and that's fine.
(03:33):
I don't agree. I don't think it's a whole different persona.
Now, I will say, 10 years ago, when I was at RTI International,
I do feel like I had a slightly different persona as my work.
Person versus who I was at home. Who I am now is pretty much who I am, right?
(03:54):
But the words that I choose to use around certain people and in certain environments still change.
Because in my mind, it is a certain level of respect that I have for the people
around me because I don't know what other people around me are comfortable with.
Agreed. It's not just about what I want to do.
And this is a deeper issue in a conversation because it
(04:15):
relates to other things that are happening in our world of what
makes other people uncomfortable around you that you're
choosing to use or engage in and do you care do you not
care wait so you change your behavior or not to
you does it kind of become a consent thing where like sometimes
like your your freedom to speak stops where the
next person's ears start sometimes i will
(04:36):
i can still express myself without saying fuck like i
can still express my intention without using
certain words that might be triggering to others in certain scenarios
gotcha it's interesting because in my brain i think about it
is like as women we are so conditioned to make everybody else feel comfortable
around us for me that's not the driving i i that is true i think there's definite
(05:01):
internalization if that's for you fine i for all of us for every woman out there
i think there's internalization conscious or unconscious What?
Inconscious or no conscious that we are ingrained from a very small age to present
a certain way, to act a certain way, to make sure other people are comfortable around you. Right.
And to make other people feel comfortable. Right.
(05:23):
Whether it's words, whether it's people pleasing. I feel like that is ingrained
in women in society, whether you acknowledge it or really know it or not.
My husband follows the same mentality that I do around this issue.
Yeah, I totally hear you. But as a woman, it is more ingrained in you to do that.
(05:44):
I disagree, but that's okay. I agree, but I don't think about language in this example.
Yeah, I think in terms of cursing, I don't think that's an issue.
I do think that is a bigger issue.
Oh, interesting, because for me, cursing is like taking up space.
It pokes that, am I taking up space? Am I being freely myself?
And why isn't the word I say making you uncomfortable? Language has power and
(06:09):
in different cultures, different countries, it has meaning.
And if you don't know that and the culture you're around.
That is ignorant. The whole point of language is to communicate with others.
I hear you. But who gives that word more power than any other word?
Why is shit more powerful than stupid?
Yeah. I mean, it's a cultural thing for sure. But some of that cultural piece, I'm with you.
(06:31):
I see it as a gender difference where it's more acceptable for men.
And I know why I perceive it this way, but I just. Because you see it.
You see it in the way like there's locker talk and all this other stuff.
And that's natural, normal.
Yeah. It's more of that. I don't see a bunch of, like, it's not normalized that
a bunch of women get together and swear.
Yeah. It has been for 10 years. Sure, but I think we're different.
(06:56):
It's not presented in society that way. You don't see movies,
stories, shows that way. When I've seen it in media like that,
it's been like, what's the word for it? Taboo thing.
Like, taboo, but it's like a particular point in, like, a storyline.
Like, she got hysterical and used a four-letter word or something.
Oh, I don't know what movies you guys have been watching for the last 20 years,
but there's plenty of women swearing in the movies and TV shows I watch. They are.
(07:19):
And again, maybe it's just a cultural thing growing up in a slightly different,
less American culture too, but it's just not something that like women do.
It's not how it's taught.
Quick time out though, if I may. Yeah. Yeah.
Just a quick show of hands. When you grew up, did your parents curse in your house? No. Yes.
No. Like hard no. Yes. Hard no. Hard yes. In any language.
(07:43):
I don't remember. I don't remember hearing it in English.
I remember hearing it a couple of times in Farsi and being like,
oh, I know that's a bad word. Was it only the men in your life who would curse and not the women?
Is that like partly where this construct came from, where it's acceptable for men and not for women?
I don't know if it's acceptable for men in my upbringing. I think in public
you would hear more men than women.
(08:05):
That's a gross overgeneralization. I agree. Yeah, it might be.
That can be your opinion, but don't push it on others. I'm just saying that
is the. That's your experience.
Yes. I think she doesn't like that. I mean, I'm just saying I think it is also culturally ingrained.
Yeah. I can't pinpoint, but I have this like sense that the expectations for
(08:26):
women are different. OK.
No, I came from a household where my parents also did not curse in front of
us. Maybe they did in their private life. I don't know.
And now, like as a grown adult, like I will curse in front of my parents.
But there's also a part of me that's like, oh, I just said that word. Well, okay.
Yeah, I am 41 years old. I was going to say, you are a 40-year-old, 11-year-old woman.
(08:48):
But there is still a level of respect that I try to have, right,
in terms of – and these are conversations that I'm now having with my almost
10-year-old, too, of words have power. Yeah.
And the words that you use will change the way other people perceive you,
whether you like it or not. Yeah. Mm-hmm.
(09:08):
If you are in school and you are choosing to exercise that freedom and use these
words that you are starting to hear and starting to learn, it will change the
way other students look at you. It will change the way teachers look at you.
And that's just a part of the society that we live in, right?
And so what I am trying to now teach him is there are what I consider adult words.
(09:32):
And we try to get away from this idea of bad and good words.
Agreed. I don't like the language of bad words because words are words.
We assign the power to them as a society. We really do.
And then also individually in your families, I think you assign different levels of value to them.
There are some families that are like, sky's the limit. Say whatever you want to say, right?
(09:55):
And that's okay. And in some families, it's like hard no, absolute lockdown.
Absolutely not. And so we're in this gray zone area where I'm trying to peace
out and talk to him about what's appropriate and what's not appropriate and why.
And I'm having to define for myself why are these words appropriate or not appropriate.
(10:17):
And it kind of boiled down to the idea that he is a little kid for only so long.
It is a very finite amount of time that he is a little kid.
And a part of me wants to protect that innocence for him that I don't want to
look at my nine-year-old and have him being like, what the fuck, bro?
(10:39):
I don't want to hear that from my kid. he has
his whole life to use whatever colorful
language he wants to use right but the
hard boundary that we have drawn now is that you
never direct any of those kind of words at
another person in like a name calling kind of
way yes in a hurtful okay way right and
(11:00):
and we've had conversations now where we're like there are
times where you could drop something and be like shit it's not
directed anybody you know it's not saying you're being a
shit right now you're being an asshole you know we talk about the
intention of the word intention of the word matters yeah for
sure and so that's kind of where i'm starting to fall
because i didn't have these conversations with my parents and i remember i think
(11:25):
the first curse word that i started using if my parents are listening to this
it's still embarrassing to me but it was god damn it because i grew up in a very religious family,
and that was a bad one,
right? But in other families, it's like, okay.
And Ryan now, he's like, oh, Jesus, you know? And we're like,
hey, hey, hey, like pump the brakes.
(11:46):
It doesn't mean anything to him because we are not raising him in a religious
family. We're not going to church. We're not doing any of those things.
But I also know that if he is around other people or he's having conversations
with friends or in friends' households, that that That could be offensive to them.
Yeah. Do you guide him to like shorten that to G's?
(12:08):
Like, do you give him an alternative? I don't give him that alternative,
but I do say, you can say other things. You don't need to say that, right?
So, yes, I guess I do give him alternative ideas, but I haven't thought to use
G's, right? Because it's just so close to it.
But it's just this idea, right? Like, I am still figuring out what are the parameters and why.
(12:31):
Because I do want to give him rationale of why are we asking you to not say
these words. And I think it's super important because I grew up with my parents
swear all the time, right?
But if you swore, you're not allowed to swear. But like, why are you not allowed?
Why am I not allowed to swear? Because you're a child and I'm an adult.
And I was very much like, well, fuck that. I don't
(12:52):
I don't like that because I said so right it was very much not
logical yeah it's very much like you're you're a
child and you don't have the right to say those things or
like you can't say those things and not explained in a way of like what it means
so we're very intentional about explaining the meaning of every word when it
(13:12):
comes out like hey what's this word okay this is what we did we just had a whole
conversation yesterday Evan in the car was like mom someone someone said the B word.
Which B word? And I was like, what's the B word? And he's like,
I'm not allowed to say it. And I was like, you're most certainly allowed to
tell me what word you're talking about.
And he told me it was the word bitch. And I said, do you know what that means?
And I like literally did the whole Webster definition of what the word means.
(13:35):
And I said, do you know why people use it? And we explained out like why people
say it and who it's directed to and the hurtfulness of it.
And like, words have power when you give them power, in my opinion. I am very much like,
The word is only as powerful as you let it be for yourself, which is very different
for other people, right?
My husband and I jokingly cuss at each other a lot.
(13:58):
And I think the first time somebody heard him call me a bitch,
I think they almost like fell over.
And they're like, how would he call? Why would you let him call you that?
And I'm like, it's not anything.
Like he's not saying it in an intentionally like mean way. It's just a word. It's just a word.
But then you have to clarify that with your kids who are growing up hearing
it. Well, yeah, he does not say that at me. My husband and I are house divided.
(14:22):
Oh, interesting. In terms of our cuss word belief.
He grew up without his parents ever cussing. He still to this day does not say
cuss words in front of his parents. Yeah.
I don't know that I realized this around him and I am instantly recalculating
my language choice. He is not upset about you losing the language,
(14:43):
but like around the kids.
I will say like him and I have had lots of conversations about language in front of the kids.
And I also am aware other people do not like it. So I do my best to refrain from it.
With your own kids or with other kids? With other kids. OK.
You use any language in front of your kids or do you have a certain threshold where you abstain?
(15:07):
I mean, no, I'm not very good at it. I use any language in front of my kid. Okay.
I don't filter it. And sometimes Cole will say to me, mom, language.
Because he hears Steve correct me and say, Cole, language.
I mean, that's not a horrible thing either because he's testing his own tolerance
and his own understanding. Right. I'm like, oh, sorry.
(15:28):
Let me rephrase that. Right. So if they mention it to me, I will do my best.
But I'm not like intentionally doing it. It's just...
Yeah. In my brain. Well, so Ashley do. So you said you do not have a filter
for any of the words, right? You use any words.
Do your kids also use any words? Is that acceptable?
What's the. They have started to. So this is something that Bob and I decided
(15:51):
like very early on, we weren't going to like filter ourselves in that way.
We're going to speak freely. Okay.
Like you were saying, we don't like direct. Are you big potty mouths?
I think that's also an interesting thought, like, or just perspective is like,
do you use a curse word once every like five days? Or is it like five times every hour?
Yeah, it's probably more of that. Like I definitely lean more into the colorful
language. Like for sure. Bob does too.
(16:14):
But our decision early on was they're just words. They have meaning that you give them meaning.
So the kids have said things like my five-year-old has said, what the fuck?
And had to go, hey, is this an okay time to say that? And we have a discussion
about it. You don't say that at school.
Other people don't understand. understand but if they say a word
like grammatically correct all right context
(16:37):
like so there is thresholds for you guys of where it's appropriate and where
it's not appropriate correct okay the other area that we choose not to censor
is music so we don't listen to edited music in our house at all we don't either
it's art that's how we've presented it it's art it's language it's expression say what you will.
And sometimes if that's the colorful language that you need to express yourself,
(17:00):
like that has a time and place.
But like you guys are saying, depends on the audience, depends on the context.
So we're trying to learn that. There are a couple exceptions to that.
When we're singing along to songs, like listen to a lot of hip hop, zero N-word.
Absolutely zero. Zero tolerance for that. So like even if I'm singing along
to something, you will not hear that word come out of my mouth.
I don't want to hear it out of them.
(17:21):
I might smack someone upside the head if they say it. Like very, very firm about that.
We also don't like the word cunt. I know a lot of people don't like it, but that's just not.
I don't like that word either. Yeah. And I can't really like articulate why, but that's just like.
It's had such a negative misogynistic connotation to it for so long.
Yeah. That one's ingrained.
Yeah. As only derogatory. Yep. So those are limits.
(17:43):
For me. Same for me. I don't prefer that one. Yeah. Those are limits.
And then the directing at people. But I mean, for us, we present it as language.
If you use it correctly in the right context, if you're old enough to understand the meaning,
that that's your business to express yourself that way
how about directed at you is that
permissible it hasn't happened yet okay
how would you feel if your kid said you're
(18:07):
being a bitch it would probably stop me
in my tracks if i'm being honest but i
would then question why are they using such strong language in this
moment what are they expressing that they don't have other language to
express okay and it'd probably open up a conversation that way and and it would
like i said get my attention and that's probably what they would mean to do
they're probably being provocative on purpose at that point so thanks for getting
(18:29):
my attention like let's talk about it a hundred percent agree on that we've
had many a conversation about.
Curse words and exactly that like often for young children in particular you
know we have to remember i was a teacher like when i see young children do cursing
it's often they're repeating what they've heard,
(18:51):
like parroting, and they don't really understand the meaning.
Or they're experiencing such intense emotion and they do not have the vocabulary to describe it.
So it is indicative of them having not enough words.
And I think that's really wise.
My experience is definitely closer to Tanya's. My parents did not curse.
(19:14):
I don't remember hearing curse words, except for maybe in German.
And I knew it was a bad word, but I wasn't entirely sure. I don't know any German
except for the bad words.
But with my kids, I wanted something different.
I don't want them to curse. I do find it offensive in most situations.
(19:34):
But I also don't want them to be afraid of it or not talk to me about it.
That's really important to me.
So I was telling Tanya, I think we started in the summer just with Cruz, the nine-year-old.
But I think he was like six or seven when we started making a tradition to be
like, OK, buddy, it's just us. It's actually what I was dropping off at camp.
Respect. The level of respect that I expected at my house that like that's not OK.
(20:02):
Agree. I say this like I would react the same way at you. Like I try not to
cuss at your house and your house with your kids around.
I do my best to like hold it back as me too, girl.
As best as I can. At my own house. Yeah. Me too, girl. As best as I can. Sometimes it slips.
But like I don't think our approaches are actually any different.
Right. It is just that you personally do not feel comfortable saying those words
(20:26):
around your children. Yeah.
And it's ebbed and flowed. Obviously, I married a Marine.
Well, and Latin culture is very different in language. It certainly depends on the culture.
Like there are very many countries and very many Latin cultures.
But yes, my husband's family curses more frequently, not my mother-in-law,
but the brothers in both languages and some countries that speak Spanish.
(20:50):
The words that hold meaning here, like shit, it's the same word in Spanish,
but it doesn't hold the same meaning.
There are other words there that mean they're like innocent here that hold a
significant amount of offensive meaning.
And that's why I mean like there is a bit of culture there to be aware of.
Where like the tone matters and stuff?
(21:11):
It's the tone or I can't think of a good example. I can give an example in Farsi
as a curse word literally translated would be go suffocate.
But that's like right it doesn't sound like you like the
equivalent but literally translate it oh choke
on a dick no it's not that endearing not
(21:32):
at all it's much meaner than that but right if you
don't know like the language and the culture you might not know that
like in Shakespeare time it was I bite my thumb at you like now
we'd be like what are you talking about what's wrong with your thought you know
the friends was it friends episode where they did oh I need that
I still do that in the gym sometimes
to the trainers to each other now right but
(21:53):
it's it's a sign that they gave meaning to that that
like is gibberish right but that is language that
is communication I hear you and I think it's important to understand like
who's giving that power yeah if you're doing
this like pumping your fists together I do that yeah all
the time just so you know you're right
you're absolutely right like that is the same
(22:15):
idea uh-huh right it's just different
gestures that different groups are familiar with
right isn't that like a bad yeah she's oh yeah like flicking your chin yeah
or like the the this one or whatever that's interesting so you do the double
hands no middle to my brother all the time but it's because of the origin sometimes
to my husband and often at the gym but you will never flip somebody off.
(22:40):
I almost did today but in general it is not so you thought about it you would
do no I like honestly I feel like if I'm angry enough that I want to express
this I have better and more stronger and more hateful words that I can use than
using the symbol or the fuck word yeah.
(23:00):
Like, I will demolish you with my words. Sometimes I feel like it's a lazy option. I agree.
Oh, for sure. Oh, yeah. I think that there are more thoughtful ways to communicate
your intention, your thoughts, than using the colorful language, right?
And so that's part of also the conversation I've had with Ryan is,
(23:20):
like, there's lots of ways to communicate what you want to get across, right? Right.
Like you don't have to use these words in order to get my attention or to communicate
what you need necessarily.
And and it's it's hard, though, because I know we're entering this gray zone.
And since he entered fourth grade, the fourth grades and fifth graders share a bathroom trailer.
(23:43):
God. And once he entered fourth grade and with the fifth graders mixed in,
he said there is lots of colorful things on the bathroom walls that he has been learning or seeing.
And they're experimenting at that age like that's totally natural and similar
to Jenny right like we have instituted this whole like every so often I'm like hey dude,
(24:04):
hit me with your best one I just want to know like I just want to see where
you're at and we have an open door policy.
Any word you hear that you want to know what that is you come to me and you
ask me and I will tell you honestly and you will never get in trouble for it
yep ever is that the way you were raised though?
No yeah like i think that's also different power
(24:27):
our generation is doing in terms of saying like we're not going to give
language as much power we're going to dissect it down
and like break it down gives it power right the secrecy
the like the part of like only getting away with
something right only adults can use it right like feels
like it's like there's something you need and you're going to eventually get
or this rite of passage or this like moment into adulthood right where it's
(24:49):
not it's just a word and like if you stub your toe and say shit like I'm not
gonna say anything about it I'm gonna be like yeah I bet that fucking hurt I bet that hurt,
yeah I feel like.
I don't mean to bring everything back to either Taylor Swift or Harry Potter,
but like when we were reading Harry Potter, you know, there's the people that
(25:11):
are born of wizard blood and then there are people that are born from like non-magic.
Muggle is the appropriate term, but if you hear a character,
especially the Malfoys, they say mudblood.
And that is like the equivalent of the N word, like very derogatory.
And Cruz was about six when we had that conversation. He was like, what's the problem?
You know, and it was a really helpful conversation. So I feel like for me,
(25:34):
those are the places where I'm like the most concerned and like personally offended. Yeah.
So getting back to the idea of like perception, right?
How people perceive you, right? So we've been talking about our kids and the
idea of our kids using these words.
But even like as adults, I do feel like there are certain scenarios where it's
(25:55):
appropriate for me to use certain language.
And then there are other scenarios where it's not, right? Right.
So like work is one avenue.
If I were meeting with a client, I would not be cursing unless I have a thousand
percent, unless I have an intimate relationship, not intimate,
sorry, a longstanding established relationship and rapport with a client or,
you know, whoever it might be where that's just acceptable.
(26:16):
And it's understood that that is OK.
I thousand percent agree. And even then they got to say it first.
Yeah, I'm not going to be OK first in that kind of context. I also agree.
I wouldn't curse in front of a client. client right not
not because like i'd be afraid of
how they perceived me it's just not those words wouldn't like
necessarily come up in natural conversation but they
(26:38):
are natural conversation for you here they're not natural
they're only in context like i don't go around your toe in front of a client
you wouldn't say shit i might yeah but you would censor yourself in that same
context correct i actually maybe wouldn't like let's be real i probably would
say shit if i set my toe in in front of a client. Okay.
(26:58):
Like, that's a natural, like, hurt action. Yeah.
Like, but in general, like, I wouldn't...
Just say curse words I don't just say curse words like out
of context a lot of times in my home like it's in
a context or we're talking about something or it's in
a conversation of a story we're telling or something it is not necessarily just
(27:19):
like randomly throughout I just don't go out there and she'll throw fuck bombs
around like it is yeah in a conversation and I appreciate I think that's true
and fair and I appreciate that I think for me it's it is my kids because like
Like anytime they hear a new curse word, it opens up a new conversation.
It's like a whole work stream I have to manage.
I just like, I don't like it around my kids at all. I don't like it on TV.
(27:41):
I tolerate it in good music, but like that's where I really don't like it,
especially in public settings, like at the pool with teenagers nearby.
Like I will say something if it's loud and noxious and like every other word
around my five-year-old.
Last night or two nights ago at swim practice And there were there were like
preteens in the pool that were just left and right curse words.
(28:05):
And I was like, this is not appropriate at the public pool.
Yeah. All these millions of other kids around like. But that's different.
That's different. And make them shut up. But that's different than I could see
Luna doing this like a little one at pool coming out like stabbing her toe and
saying shit like that is different.
The intent is different. The impact is different. This was this was for shock
(28:27):
value. They were doing it because they knew they were offensive and they thought
that is like to see what happens.
And or in their household, it is just completely open policy and they have zero
value associated with those words. That is a possibility.
It is a possibility. However, I will say like, just to like close this out,
(28:50):
like when it's just me with you guys or at a bar or adults, like it doesn't offend me as much.
The derogatory, discriminatory, like ones do. The religious ones do.
Normally, I have to remind myself. They don't even think of that meaning,
but in any religion, not even Christianity.
The actual curse words don't. I don't mind cunt.
(29:15):
I don't mean bitch, fuck, shit. Say them all. Damn.
There's even a song. Do you guys know the song? No. What?
We need to hear the song. I can't sing, so it's going to be painful. I don't know it.
Shit, damn. Damn. Hold on. Shit. Shit. Damn.
Fuck a damn. Damn. Some motherfucker just stole my man, but I'll find another
(29:37):
fucker better than the other fucker. Shit. Damn. Fuck a damn.
Damn. Damn. Damn. I've never.
That's like a tongue twister. Yeah, it's like a tongue twister. Wow.
It's interesting. That is going to be the best short on TikTok that we're going
to have. I'm going to have to like make that one special.
It's really interesting that you find the like words more offensive.
I find it more offensive when people are trying
(29:58):
to talk to my children about religion than i do oh
a hundred percent ever said fuck to my kid yeah no i don't disagree and even
like that is truly for a parent little children who learn about it and then
are telling my children about it so by that same token it's this idea that that an idea ideology,
(30:19):
verbiage is similar pushed upon your kids with different value and sort of relating
to that That same concept of
if your kids or you as adults used strong language in front of our kids,
that you are pushing that language upon our children just by exposure. Yes.
So it's the same concept. I hear you.
(30:43):
My problem is like the, it's the how much we, but like you're not,
society is not saying that that's not bad.
You can devalue religion. Right. I'm just saying like you value this word.
It is publicly acceptable. If you want to use that argument.
It is publicly acceptable to talk about religion in public.
I would say that is not true everywhere.
(31:03):
That is true in the Bible belt with so many Baptist families.
Like here, I have not lived in North Carolina my whole life.
That is absolutely not my experience or would not be acceptable in Pennsylvania or Connecticut.
But here in North Carolina, it's not offensive.
It is not societally deemed. You are not going to look down.
It's assumed, if anything.
(31:23):
It is assumed and it is okay to have signs about Jesus out in the world.
All the thank you Jesus signs on the road. All the thank you Jesus signs.
It is widely acceptable.
But in the same token, the word shit is not widely acceptable.
Agreed. And I think it is far less offensive, the word shit,
than it is to have Jesus things all over the place. Yeah. Those are some strong words.
(31:46):
And you didn't even need a curse word to express that. And I don't say I need
a curse word to express it, but I want the ability to say it if I want to.
Yeah. Right? I'm curious, do you guys also limit adult concepts as well as these
adult words? Can you give examples? Yes.
So back in music, right? If there are...
(32:07):
It just comes to mind talk about ops and shooters for
example i don't even know what that means oh okay never mind
then so like is this a video gamer i probably i
don't intend to say it's like we're talking about call of duty
here let me like just to pause like probably but
not by intent okay just by like they're not exposed dildo
(32:27):
if there is like i know we've done like
sex toy parties no kids allowed but like would you
would you censor those words because it's
not a curse word yes but you would choose not i say
those things because i don't want to have that conversation with my child yet
however if they hear it or they saw it or they overheard it i absolutely would
okay and i have you would explain yes yeah so in a song someone's isn't tripping
(32:52):
on the powder and yeah i don't think we listen to the same song no but that's
what i'm getting at like these things come up in the genre of music that I listen to.
She does say a lot and that's okay. Like, no, I, no.
Yeah, I think the answer is like, I don't seek it out to kind of Tanya's old earlier point.
Like, I'm okay with them being kids and being innocent for as long as they want,
(33:15):
so long as it keeps them safe.
But more important than any of that, I want them to know they can always talk
to me about anything. So long as it keeps them safe.
Yeah. That's so interesting to me because I find the exposure,
in my opinion, and keeps them safe too because they're not ignorant to it.
There is absolutely a balance.
I think it changes as they grow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Protection, right?
(33:36):
And then all of a sudden finding themselves in the world. Like,
you know, we are one more year in elementary school and then you go to middle school.
Jesus. You need to tell them anything they need to know before middle school.
The first time I said a curse word was in sixth grade. I remember it.
It was middle school for me for sure. I mean, to be clear, you need to tell
your kid anything you wanna tell them.
Curse words sex talks puberty like
(33:57):
all of it before middle school because they will hear it yeah i
mean i was shepherding a field trip and like one of the kids said op
and his dad was with him his dad's like do you know what that means and he's
like ashley what does it mean yeah i don't know it's someone who's like up in
your business like think like operative someone spying on you up in their business
being nosy oh like telling on you that bad on you no but like it's you know
(34:19):
You know what Riz means? Because I would like to know what Riz means.
Riz, it comes from charisma. Riz. I didn't know. The kids were writing it on
their backs in Sharpies at swim team.
And I was like, from Greece? Isn't that a character?
Yeah, charisma. I'm going to go Riz on her and I'm going to go charm her or
flirt with her. I like that now.
But I assumed it was good or they wouldn't have it on their back.
I thought it was the character in Greece.
(34:39):
Wasn't it Rizzo? I thought it was Rizzo.
That's actually not terrible, though. Show your age there. But there are,
you know, as I'm sitting here thinking, Ashley, like, We don't hear those kinds of songs.
We don't watch those kinds of shows normally.
Okay. But there are moments where I am proactively sharing.
Are there not kids in school that would be exposed to that stuff?
(35:01):
There are certainly kids exposed everywhere.
It's actually the opposite for me, which might surprise.
Hey, hey now. No, no, no. It might surprise you.
I would like to get my point out. You shouldn't make judgments on the fact that
they are in a Catholic school because all kinds of things happen in all kinds
of schools. Agreed. Right.
What I'm trying to say is that the areas in which I have been proactive with
(35:24):
Cruz are because of the environment he's in, where I have been very explicit with him.
For example, like I completely value any relationship and believe love is love
and team pride and same sex relationships and family looks different.
Those are conversations that he and I are having proactively and have been since
(35:44):
kindergarten at various levels. Like, I'm not trying to force my beliefs on him.
But when we talk about why does mommy choose to go to a different church when
we go to Catholic school, we go to Catholic mass on Thursday.
Why does mommy choose to go to Crosspoint?
Well, I believe, and that's how I phrase it. This is what I believe.
The Catholic church right now has a different belief that makes me uncomfortable.
(36:07):
What do you think? Like, those are the kinds of adult conversations we're having.
And I'm proud that we have those. but I'm not telling, I'm trying not to tell him what I believe.
And I want him to come to his own conclusions. And we have cool conversations.
And it's not only about religion. Like I know that's touchy for you,
but it's a good experience.
Like why, why mom do you, do we know there's a God? How do we know there's a
(36:30):
God? Is he real? And I'm like, I don't know. Nobody knows.
This is what I choose to believe in. Why? Let's talk about it.
So, yes. Well, and in a similar vein, like there are lots of things that we have censored for Ryan.
It's not just the language piece, right? Like we don't watch shows or movies that have violence.
We don't watch cartoons that have a bunch of fake blood in them necessarily, right?
(36:55):
And it has been a progressive thing as he has grown older.
We've started watching shows where they are fighting and they may fight with
swords and then somebody like falls down.
But there's not like a spray of fake blood, right?
That does accompany some even animated shows, right? There are animated shows
that are made exclusively for adults that have that kind of thing in it too.
(37:15):
Yes, like Archer I was watching last night. Yes, absolutely.
And so I think it's one of those things like it's not just the language. I agree.
But there's this broader idea of there are just some things that it's unnecessary
for you right now, but I also know we are now on the cusp of like he's going
to hear these things, He's going to see these things.
(37:37):
He's going to find them. His friends are going to show him.
And I really would rather he see them or hear them or know about them from us. I agree. Totally.
Totally. And so now I find myself like, ooh, we're going to have to get into some uncomfortable.
Yeah. For you. Yeah. For you. Yeah. Right.
To set him on a path where he's not going to be blindsided.
(38:02):
Yes. by friend groups or manipulated by friends. Or made embarrassed because he doesn't know.
I absolutely, I am aware of that.
And I don't want to set him up for failure, so to speak, in that way.
Right information power right it also keeps him safe if
he knows what they're saying when they're like hey do you want
(38:23):
to smoke some weed with me right like he knows
right what the weed yeah but like substances
but like it's oh yeah understand if he
knows what those things are i agree 100% weapons
all sorts of sexual things right it's
funny you mentioned like video games because i think that
is an area where we have maybe some more adult conversations particularly
(38:46):
with my oldest we always go i use common sense media as
my source of truth it's a non-profit that goes
beyond just the rating whether it's e for a switch game
or pg for a movie they'll explain the
rating they'll explain like what is it like more detailed for it's for a parent
then they have a parent reviews educator reviews kid reviews and it'll be like
(39:07):
i think this movie could you could be you have to be 14 and a kid will be like
i watched this movie and i was six and i was fine you know like it's actually
really enlightening there's there's There's a spectrum, but you know your kid
and it's really helpful.
And so Cruz and Luna know like this is, this is when there's a debate in our house.
Normally Beto wants to watch a movie that's like PG-13 and I don't,
I don't think it's appropriate. We go to Common Sense Media.
(39:29):
Together? Together as a family, like pull it up on the screen and we look at
what is it that's in there? Is it cigarette smoking?
Okay, we're okay with that. Why? Like we have very active conversations.
We let him get his first game that wasn't rated E. It was like a Zelda game.
Game and like literally he's playing like a week later he's like
i think i know why it's not rated e mom i'm like oh yeah why he's
(39:49):
like because we're not just killing like zombies or fake creatures we're
like killing like animated real humans and i'm like oh yeah
that makes sense and it's like archery and knives but like not not bloody but
like and then they go he's he's aware and we're having these conversations can
we talk about how they sound like they're having an orgasm every time they speak
in that game in that in zelda in zelda every girl every single time i'm over
(40:12):
here We haven't had that conversation.
I'm like, that's not even, like that's worse than shit in my opinion.
You're listening to like the- But isn't that so interesting, Nicole, that like-
The thing that you find offensive or awkward the most are the things that are more sexual.
Yes. Where I don't. You know, everybody has that line for you.
But I don't like censor. I don't say anything about it. All I look at Stephen
go and I'm like, are they orgasming on that screen?
(40:35):
Like what is happening here?
Yeah. It's because it's very much like that. I am a game. It's problematic to
me. It is probably the biggest drawback of that game.
Cruz has headphones. So no, I never knew. Just so you know, when you listen
to it, it's like that. But it's interesting because like I think the 90s Disney
movies are worse than any of the other movies. They are.
There's a lot. Lion King is scarring.
(40:58):
Yeah, your kids were reenacting that for a while. For a long time.
Processing. Yeah. So you'll like Common Sense Media. You can go in there and
put even the Disney movies. They'll have all those warnings.
I don't know. If you follow Common Sense Media recommendations like to the T,
you're never going to watch a movie ever again in the history of the world.
Because every movie. But I don't know if it's what's following that.
(41:18):
Movies they're like there's violence but exactly patricide it's
yeah it's not it's not about green light red light it's about let's have a conversation
about what we're about to see and talk about it before you see it and you're
a young impressionable child trying to make sense of the world it's it's more
like fodder to have a conversation than you know thumbs up thumbs down,
(41:42):
yeah and i think we looked up the goonies i think
real bad media real bad i was like
damn it we really wanted to watch that but hasn't
it had me maybe it's just me because i'm the uptight one here but hasn't
it happened where you're like oh i love that movie when i was a kid let's watch
it and you're with your kids and you're like oh i didn't remember any of that
no i knew i was very self-aware that all the movies we grew up watching or many
(42:05):
of them right yeah for beto it was home alone he was watching it with luna one
day and i came and he was like i didn't remember there was there's so much language in this movie.
My kids love Home Alone too.
But like, that's a good example of like, let's talk about the language.
Let's talk about what words we don't repeat. Let's talk about why.
Cause if you don't, Luna's gonna go to her preschool teacher and be like,
(42:25):
guess what word I heard yesterday?
That's so interesting because my kids do not, like, have that inclination.
Like, they don't want to go share the words they learn or know or whatever.
Is that for sure? Yeah. I mean, I've never, like, listen, I get called from
the teachers at Evan's school, like, once a week. And it has never once been for language. Okay?
Never once. Lots of other things. But it is not, we do not have a language problem.
(42:47):
And he knows the words. We have lots of conversations about the words.
He just doesn't, that's not, like, in his.
Well, I do think that's an important point. Yeah. I think that every kid is
going to be different and every family is going to be different, as we say all the time.
Right. Like these are things to consider.
Right. And you got to consider your family dynamic. You got to consider the
(43:09):
circles that you're in and how you want these things to play out.
And your own kids. If I say bad words in front of kids, just pinch me.
Oh, yeah. She doesn't like being touched. That's a great one.
It'll help like negative reinforce. That feels fair.
Yeah I think you'll like the pinch better I think I'm gonna do a slow tickly touch,
(43:30):
the side of her face she really likes that but I do my best to try not to I
know you do and I I'm not a hundred percent I don't score I'm not a hundred
percent I and and I I am more stringent about it and I might have the bigger
potty mouth of the two of us at least right so So, like, it's okay.
It's just interesting. Because, like, my husband is so on, like.
(43:53):
But, like, I had a very different level when my son was five versus where he's at now.
But you guys all have five-year-olds, right? Yes. And I have a five-year-old who's a parrot.
Okay. Right? Like, okay. Yeah. And we're still not actively cursing in front
of our kid, you know, with abandon or without abandon. But.
(44:14):
Is happening now in the music that we watch or in the movies that we watch.
And we've tried to talk to him like finding movies that we want to actually
watch together as a family is getting harder.
Yeah. For the ones that don't have adult language in them, at least,
or some of the adult concepts, crude jokes, you know, that kind of thing.
And so I'm like, buddy, we're going to start to be seeing things that might
(44:35):
raise questions for you.
And it's just this open policy open door
policy of let's talk about it please because
i want to be the person who can at least help you understand
what they are agreed yeah i don't know this is fun i like it this is fucking
fun why is it that i'm the one who cursed the most i love it that's a song you're
(45:01):
serenading i remember singing that over and over and over in my head on the bus at like Like, 10.
Okay, I think, I will say with Ryan, you asked, you said Cruz,
he said the F word, right?
Ryan also, I think when we first played that game, he said the F word.
And I was like, what's the F word, honey?
And he's like, I can't say it. I was like, no, no, no, you can say it.
(45:21):
Free? And I was like, mm-hmm.
Okay, because it was at an age. Was he censoring himself? It was a few years
ago. No, he didn't know what it was. He thought it was.
It was a few years ago. and for him and because
it felt derogatory and like we don't yeah we don't
use that word because it can have very derogatory connotations right in terms
(45:42):
of people's ability yes right like we've talked about ethnicity has a lot of
derogatory words but ability level also have a lot of derogatory words you just
made me think of my least favorite word ours is stupid it's not a
lot of say we said hard stops for me versus the colorful yes uh-huh which yours
the most offensive word to me yeah anyone could ever say other than the n word
(46:05):
and other than that f word with six letters are you thinking of that one that
starts with an r yeah yeah retarded oh,
I really, really bother with that word, I don't think. And it hasn't ever come
up in a way. I'm sure kids have said it around them.
Yeah. I actually don't think so. They would have, like, Evan is very much a,
like, let me tell you kind of kid.
(46:25):
He's going to tell you everything he has heard. And you don't think he's doing
that with his teachers and friends? You wrong.
It goes both ways. His teacher, we are very, very close with his teacher.
So, like, she is, we talk weekly. Like, she calls us.
We just chat for a long time like if he was saying
any of those things we would know like there's a
(46:46):
lot that happens and we know about it and that's not what cole on
the other hand cole i mean i don't know he's
also like doesn't like to get in trouble and if he thinks he's gonna be in trouble
for anything honey he could still be talking to his friends on the playground
just guarantee he's talking shit on the playground about it yeah it doesn't
mean he is i just yeah no i'm just saying like we all like to think that our
(47:07):
kids are like the most innocent thing i don't think that at all I don't think
my kids are innocent whatsoever.
But I think they would, they tell me like we have, they want to tell me these things.
Like they would bring it to us because they know, like, I hope that that continues. Yeah, I agree.
But it's because we try to keep making it a safe space for them to tell these
(47:27):
things to us and not be in trouble and have like no consequences for it.
And you have to actually live up to that no consequences.
Yes. And it's hard, but I think it's so important.
That's what we're really, really trying to do. I think this is one of the first
like levels of laying that foundation of trust with our kiddo to not feel like
he has to hide or be ashamed or,
you know, be subversive about what he's doing because I see it happening already.
(47:52):
Right. And he'll be like, no, I didn't say that. I'm like, I clearly heard you
say it. Like, you don't need to lie about that. It's fine.
Right. But like, let's talk about it too. Yeah.
And it's just the beginning. It's just the tip of the iceberg of the things
that our kids are going to have to navigate and tackle and what they feel comfortable
talking to us about or not talking to us about. Yeah. So.
(48:14):
Well, follow us on Sheephack Unleashed. On this episode, I want you guys to
tag and tell us if you curse or don't curse in front of your kids.
I want to like know, is this like, we're kind of a house divided here.
So I want to know if this is like the true population. It's like, is it a 50-50 split?
Yeah, it'd be interesting to know. So thanks for hanging out with us and enjoying
all the curse words of this episode.
(48:37):
Thank you for being a part of our fucking pack.
I love that.
Can you do it? Can you sign us out? This is your four head bitches in charge.
Ashley, Jenny, Nicole, and Tanya.
Stay wild and fucking fierce. Yeah. Wild and fucking fierce. Sure.
(48:59):
I love it. good job because of your face you're making because of how red you
are all of a sudden because i can't wait oh i think i need to scoot more in
i can't do it i'm gonna stare at you no i won't i won't look.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
The Breakfast Club
The World's Most Dangerous Morning Show, The Breakfast Club, With DJ Envy And Charlamagne Tha God!
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.