Body Image, Emotional Eating & Weight Loss

This week I'm gabbing about my long history with emotional eating, my relationship with food, struggles with eating disorders. How I'm making sense of all of that alongside my body image and weight loss journey and where acceptance, self-love, body positivity, and rejecting peer pressure fits in to the mix. 

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Hello.

(00:00):
Hello.
Welcome back to Solitary Creature.
I'm Steph, and I'm journaling the ups and downs of my self growth journey towards living a more mindful, intentional, and fulfilling life.
I'm just gonna dive right in.
Last week I talked about body specific to the mind body connection.
This week I'm talking more about things like weight loss.

(00:21):
Body image, those kinds of things.
So if that's at all triggering for you, feel free to skip over this episode and join me again next week, this past week obviously in preparation for this podcast, but my body has been in my mind.
A lot.
This past week, our marketing manager was asking us to take selfies and run them through AI and put spooky filters on them for our Halloween newsletter.

(00:44):
I didn't wanna do that in the first place.
I think she thought it would be like a really fun work break for us, but it's so fricking busy.
I didn't wanna waste time on this forced fun activity.
I hate stuff like that.
Anyways, I always have.
I hate icebreaker games and team building exercises.
I hated college orientation week, but more than anything, I really didn't wanna have to take a selfie.

(01:08):
I am so tired.
I'm tired from work.
I'm tired from life.
I'm wearing it all over my face.
My skin has never looked worse.
I look, I just, I look so tired.
You can just look at me.
I have no spark or enthusiasm in my eyes.
So I thought, okay, I note taking a selfie isn't going to feel good right now, so I'm gonna avoid that part.

(01:29):
And I'm just gonna find a nice picture of me from when I was back on dating apps like a few years ago and my body has gone through so many changes in the last few years.
I thought I'm gonna avoid that part, and I'm just gonna find a nice picture of me from a few years ago when I was like on dating apps and stuff.
What a horrible idea.

(01:50):
So I found this picture and the AI stuff didn't work, but that's beside the point.
I looked at this picture of myself and I just thought God, you look so good, Stephanie, like barely recognizable, great skin.
My makeup was on point.
So the next day I was like, I haven't worn makeup in a while.
I've had some issues with my skin, which I'll get into in a minute.
But I just thought, I'm gonna I'm gonna try wearing some makeup this past weekend.

(02:14):
And so I did the whole makeup routine and I, when I was looking there, I was like, this isn't too bad.
Like it's a little rusty.
'cause like I haven't worn makeup in quite a while.
But overall, I felt oh, okay, like I don't, I look pretty good.
I decided to take a selfie to commemorate the occasion, and I was mortified.

(02:35):
First of all, I already knew I was not gonna look like how I looked in the mirror.
I know that happens every single time.
But on top of that, I just thought, wow, like I expected to like.
Take a picture of myself and compare it against a selfie from a few years ago and be like, pretty similar.
Pretty similar.
It was not, it was depressing.
It was sad.
I was like, who is this person? I did not recognize the person staring back at me, and I just.

(03:00):
Felt so bad the rest of the day and I knew I shouldn't feel bad.
I knew it was not the end of the world.
It wasn't a big deal, but I think because I've been struggling so much with my body, my skin, all sorts of stuff, it was just really hard not to take it really personally, and just fall into this spiral of just feeling bad for myself.
My body has gone through so many changes in the last few years and some of it I'm sure is just age and how your body naturally changes every few years.

(03:29):
People prepare you for getting wrinkles and gray hair as you get older.
I'm 38 currently, and the photo that I took from a couple years ago, I was like maybe 34 or 35.
People prepare you for getting wrinkles and gray hair, meaning that those things are talked about a lot in our culture.
Good or bad, whatever the take is on it.
But they're at least in the zeitgeist of aging, so when those things start to happen, I wasn't thrown off by it or anything.

(03:53):
I actually think gray hair is really pretty and a part of me would like to just go full gray by now because I think I might actually be able to pull it off.
And I like how my hair is turning gray at the temples first It's like giving bread of Frankenstein in a way I've always thought was really cool.
But the things I can't stand about my body changing are the little but annoying and very persistent things.

(04:14):
I have this mark on one of my boobs that no one can figure out what it is.
I'm also getting these little red dots on my arms and on.
One of my boobs called cherry angios, and they are really annoying.
And the only way you can get rid of them apparently is by getting them cauterized.
And that's not going to stop ones from forming.

(04:35):
And there's really no rhyme or reason why they're popping up now.
I asked if it was diet or hormone, something I could control and work on, but no, it's just like one of those things that happens.
It is so beyond frustrating and.
The last few years, the skin on my face has really changed.
I've had rosy cheeks most of my life, but my rosacea has really come forward.
And on top of that, I'm dealing with fungal acne and really dry skin.

(04:59):
And it seems like anything that's good for one of these conditions is really bad for the others.
I'm so sick of the trial and errors with products.
It's expensive.
It's a lot of waiting around, I feel like.
I had a really great skincare system that was really working for a few years, and then all of a sudden it just blew up.
And I remember when it blew up.

(05:21):
It was New Year's Eve weekend, almost two years ago.
I was stressed, I had the flu, and I had just gotten this sulfur gel that was supposed to help with my rosacea.
And I put it on, and the first day I was fine, but my skin was so dry the next day, so I slathered on a facial oil that I used frequently.
It was not the first time that I used this oil, but it was really itchy.

(05:42):
And I noticed for the last month or so that when I used that oil, it would be itchy.
And I just thought that's because my skin is so dry.
It's winter.
My skin is always super dry in the winter.
My skin barrier is probably damaged or something.
I've used this oil a million times.
It's probably just my skin or something like something, any, my skin's so dry, anything's going to irritate it.
But this oil has to be fine.

(06:04):
'cause I've used it a million times.
But then the itching turned to burning and it was unbearable.
My skin felt like it was on fire, so I wash it off and then I had to ice my face just to make the burning itchiness go away.
And so I left my skin alone for a few days and then I noticed these bumps forming and it took me a few hours of research and I realized it was fungal acne, which is just an internet term for an actual thing that I can pronounce, but it's basically an overproduction of yeast.

(06:33):
.184And the only solution I could find was putting antifungal cream, like the kind you used for yeast infections or athlete's foot all over my face. 96 00:06:42,524.184 --> 00:06:43,724.184 I had to smear it on. 97 00:06:43,724.184 --> 00:06:45,914.184 it was so humiliating. 98 00:06:46,184.184 --> 00:06:52,994.184 Here I was dying of the flu hungry because I couldn't eat anything for days, and now I have fungal acne all over my face. 99 00:06:53,354.184 --> 00:07:04,994.184 I prayed that it didn't work because I just thought, can I have any dignity right now? Just like the tiniest bit of dignity, but it worked and every few months I have to slather my face in fungal cream. 100 00:07:04,994.184 --> 00:07:12,434.184 And in between that I have to test a gajillion products, and usually I have to prioritize the fungal acne over my rosacea or the dryness. 101 00:07:12,434.184 --> 00:07:26,714.184 So I haven't been able to wear makeup in two years because I can barely find skincare that doesn't aggravate my acne, let alone makeup, never my makeup that won't activate my fungal acne, but at the same time, work with my dry skin and cover up my rosacea. 102 00:07:26,714.184 --> 00:07:27,554.184 It just sucks. 103 00:07:27,554.184 --> 00:07:28,334.184 And. 104 00:07:28,334.184 --> 00:07:44,184.184 I know that's probably a story that everyone listening has something about themselves that they are just so sick of I know that on a deeper humankind global scale, these are very first world problems. 105 00:07:44,184.184 --> 00:07:45,414.184 I fully get that. 106 00:07:45,414.184 --> 00:07:49,554.184 I get that these are not the major, there are bigger problems in the world. 107 00:07:49,554.184 --> 00:07:51,654.184 There are bigger problems with my community. 108 00:07:51,954.184 --> 00:07:54,744.184 This is like a very privileged complaint to have. 109 00:07:54,744.184 --> 00:07:55,824.184 I fully get that. 110 00:07:55,824.184 --> 00:08:03,504.184 At the same time, it is something that is on my mind a lot because it's something I personally have to deal with, and I know it's superficial. 111 00:08:03,504.184 --> 00:08:09,204.184 I know there are worse things in the world I could be dealing with, but in the effort of full disclosure, that is something I'm dealing with. 112 00:08:09,204.184 --> 00:08:20,184.184 And I think it's very human for all of us to have things that we are confronting on a daily basis with our bodies, whether it's our skin, acne, hair loss, thinning. 113 00:08:20,184.184 --> 00:08:25,404.184 Body size, body shape, whatever we have to function in these bodies. 114 00:08:25,454.184 --> 00:08:26,414.184 God bless you. 115 00:08:26,564.184 --> 00:08:37,304.184 If you are someone who is perfectly fine and has no worries and it's never on their mind, I would love to know your secret, but I am just so sick of feeling like I have to compromise. 116 00:08:37,304.184 --> 00:08:40,744.184 All the time, and I'm so sick of compromising period. 117 00:08:40,744.184 --> 00:08:44,284.184 Like it's not just about my body, not just about my face, not just about my skincare. 118 00:08:44,614.184 --> 00:08:47,74.184 I feel like all I do in my life is compromise. 119 00:08:47,464.184 --> 00:08:50,194.184 I just want a win. 120 00:08:50,194.184 --> 00:08:58,354.184 You know what I mean? I just, why can't I just be able to put on some goddamn makeup? I just wanna feel at. 121 00:08:58,354.184 --> 00:09:01,714.184 Peace with myself, but I also wanna feel good in my body. 122 00:09:01,924.184 --> 00:09:03,874.184 I wanna feel like a normal person. 123 00:09:03,874.184 --> 00:09:05,764.184 I wanna feel like myself again. 124 00:09:06,94.184 --> 00:09:11,494.184 I just want to feel like that woman who was staring back at me in those selfies from three or four years ago. 125 00:09:11,494.184 --> 00:09:18,719.184 And I also just wanna feel not ashamed to want to be able to wear a little bit of makeup. 126 00:09:18,719.184 --> 00:09:23,219.184 And I know I should accept things, how they are for my skin right now. 127 00:09:23,549.184 --> 00:09:24,809.184 But it just sucks. 128 00:09:24,859.184 --> 00:09:30,549.184 Can we all just admit that it sucks sometimes and just have a moment to relish in the suckiness of it all. 129 00:09:30,849.184 --> 00:09:33,819.184 Life throws so much at all of us every day. 130 00:09:33,849.184 --> 00:09:39,819.184 Can't I just have decent skin and it is that I want nice skin because who doesn't? But it's more than that. 131 00:09:40,179.184 --> 00:09:43,989.184 I just wanna have one thing crossed off my worry list. 132 00:09:44,39.184 --> 00:09:44,364.184 It could be. 133 00:09:44,364.184 --> 00:09:48,354.184 Really great to not have to feel so embarrassed about my skin. 134 00:09:48,594.184 --> 00:10:02,718.06155102 And I know that's superficial again, but I also think it's incredibly human to want to feel comfortable in your own skin without feeling like you're always forced to settle and accept or have the thing in the back of my mind where go, it could be worse. 135 00:10:02,718.06155102 --> 00:10:09,608.06155102 I have such a problem with that saying and maybe that's something I need to look at and really think about but I have such a visceral reaction to that phrase. 136 00:10:09,818.06155102 --> 00:10:14,378.06155102 It could be worse because I feel like it's very valid. 137 00:10:14,428.06155102 --> 00:10:21,448.06155102 Obviously things could be worse, but is that really how I wanna move through life? Just everything that I encounter every. 138 00:10:21,448.06155102 --> 00:10:30,778.06155102 Everything that I hate about myself, everything that I hate about my life, everything that I encounter that I don't like, that I just need to tell myself, like it could be worse. 139 00:10:30,778.06155102 --> 00:10:34,948.06155102 I just, I don't know that's like the best way to move through life. 140 00:10:34,978.06155102 --> 00:10:37,798.06155102 I just don't think that, it doesn't solve the problem. 141 00:10:37,798.06155102 --> 00:10:39,718.06155102 It doesn't help me accept a situation. 142 00:10:39,898.06155102 --> 00:10:40,978.06155102 It doesn't help me move on. 143 00:10:40,978.06155102 --> 00:10:50,58.06155102 It just says I don't know, I, and maybe it is the answer, I'm just reacting so harshly to it, but it just doesn't feel like enough. 144 00:10:50,298.06155102 --> 00:10:52,658.06155102 It just feels get over it, move on, and it's just. 145 00:10:52,658.06155102 --> 00:10:58,378.06155102 I just wanna be able to feel my feelings and have people say, you know what? It does suck. 146 00:10:58,378.06155102 --> 00:11:01,378.06155102 It takes a lot of work to not care about what other people think. 147 00:11:01,378.06155102 --> 00:11:05,398.06155102 And it takes even more work to not care about what I think of myself. 148 00:11:05,428.06155102 --> 00:11:11,788.06155102 Because even if I got to a point where I don't care with someone else thinks of me, I still want butter skin for myself. 149 00:11:12,178.06155102 --> 00:11:13,438.06155102 I don't like the way it looks. 150 00:11:13,738.06155102 --> 00:11:15,208.06155102 Sue me and. 151 00:11:15,208.06155102 --> 00:11:24,928.06155102 I'm gonna talk about acceptance a little bit later, and I know that this is tied to that, but acceptance is hard, acceptance without any future resolution is really difficult to deal with. 152 00:11:24,928.06155102 --> 00:11:27,268.06155102 And I feel like that's at a situation where I'm at now. 153 00:11:27,268.06155102 --> 00:11:30,868.06155102 Like I just have to upset that my skin is always gonna fucking suck. 154 00:11:31,168.06155102 --> 00:11:35,188.06155102 I'm always gonna feel uncomfortable and I'm just gonna have to like, get over it. 155 00:11:35,188.06155102 --> 00:11:39,348.06155102 And it's like that just doesn't feel right, just like doesn't sit well with me. 156 00:11:39,348.06155102 --> 00:11:42,318.06155102 All of this long example is. 157 00:11:42,318.06155102 --> 00:11:49,38.06155102 To just remind ourselves that our relationship with our body is so immensely complicated. 158 00:11:49,248.06155102 --> 00:11:52,968.06155102 There's pressures from society, there's pressures from just ourselves. 159 00:11:52,968.06155102 --> 00:11:58,518.06155102 Even if we aren't aligning with society's expectations, we still have our own expectations for ourselves. 160 00:11:58,518.06155102 --> 00:12:00,183.06155102 We have our own standards. 161 00:12:00,183.06155102 --> 00:12:06,558.06155102 We have our own ideas of what looks good, and I'm not someone who really vibes with whatever the latest makeup trends. 162 00:12:06,918.06155102 --> 00:12:07,608.06155102 Or anything. 163 00:12:07,608.06155102 --> 00:12:16,313.06155102 I honestly just want a super simple routine of mascara and like a good tension moisturizer at this point, but there's aesthetics, there's function, there's health. 164 00:12:16,313.06155102 --> 00:12:18,893.06155102 It just feels completely overwhelming to me. 165 00:12:18,943.06155102 --> 00:12:23,353.06155102 I feel like I can barely get to a level of my own desire of what I want for myself. 166 00:12:23,353.06155102 --> 00:12:27,673.06155102 What, like my base level of what looks good, what feels good. 167 00:12:27,673.06155102 --> 00:12:32,863.06155102 I feel like I can barely get to that level, let alone whatever anyone else wants from me. 168 00:12:32,863.06155102 --> 00:12:35,383.06155102 And as someone who struggled in. 169 00:12:35,383.06155102 --> 00:12:43,573.06155102 Her relationship with her body for a myriad of reasons and not always about weight, even though that has been a recurring area of contention with myself, and it's just. 170 00:12:43,573.06155102 --> 00:12:50,23.06155102 Occurred to me like, do we ever make peace with our bodies? Not just the size of them, but how much makeup we wear and skin issues. 171 00:12:50,23.06155102 --> 00:13:10,363.06155102 And why do some people have naturally glassy skin and others have to spend thousands of dollars on face creams in order to like, feel like they look quote unquote, normal? I'm really working hard to move out of this place of comparison, but I also don't wanna oscillate too far to the other side where I lose all sight of what I want for myself because of how I wanna feel and look. 172 00:13:10,753.06155102 --> 00:13:15,133.06155102 And I just have to be in this place where it's that's the card you were dealt, so move on. 173 00:13:15,133.06155102 --> 00:13:15,803.06155102 And it's just ugh. 174 00:13:15,803.06155102 --> 00:13:16,373.06155102 I don't know. 175 00:13:16,373.06155102 --> 00:13:17,753.06155102 I really struggle with that. 176 00:13:17,753.06155102 --> 00:13:19,223.06155102 I can't be the only one. 177 00:13:19,223.06155102 --> 00:13:24,863.06155102 I don't wanna spend my life comparing myself to other people and wanting what I don't have. 178 00:13:24,863.06155102 --> 00:13:33,583.06155102 But it also just seems shouldn't I be able to want something that feels fairly normal? Something that feels fairly average? I don't know. 179 00:13:33,583.06155102 --> 00:13:37,983.06155102 It's like we have diet cultured norms and then like an extreme body positivity movement. 180 00:13:37,983.06155102 --> 00:13:40,383.06155102 And it feels like we're being told extreme things from both sides. 181 00:13:40,383.06155102 --> 00:13:45,333.06155102 You either need to think about your size all the fucking time, or you shouldn't be thinking about your size at all. 182 00:13:45,723.06155102 --> 00:13:48,243.06155102 And honestly, I just wanna live somewhere in the middle. 183 00:13:48,243.06155102 --> 00:13:50,643.06155102 I frankly don't like my size. 184 00:13:50,958.06155102 --> 00:13:55,818.06155102 This does not feel like happiness to me, and I don't think it's a matter of just shifting my mindset. 185 00:13:55,818.06155102 --> 00:14:03,948.06155102 I know myself pretty well, and I know the weight at which I felt the most at home in my body, even if it wasn't a time when I felt the most confident. 186 00:14:03,948.06155102 --> 00:14:16,218.06155102 And I know that sounds like an oxymoron, but what I mean is if I could apply how I feel about myself now, most of the time to the body that I have in mind, I would be at my happiest level that I've ever been. 187 00:14:16,368.06155102 --> 00:14:17,868.06155102 It's like the merging of two. 188 00:14:17,868.06155102 --> 00:14:26,418.06155102 Of two world, I guess when I was newly single for the first time in 15 years back at the end of 2020, I really did feel my sexiest. 189 00:14:26,418.06155102 --> 00:14:28,308.06155102 I felt really desired by a lot of people. 190 00:14:28,308.06155102 --> 00:14:34,458.06155102 I felt unashamed, but honestly, there was also a lot that there was derived from external validation. 191 00:14:34,668.06155102 --> 00:14:43,338.06155102 I felt sexy because other people found me sexy, which honestly, maybe that's not great, but when you've had zero self-esteem your whole life and you've. 192 00:14:43,338.06155102 --> 00:14:50,598.06155102 Been in a sexless, stale relationship where your partner supposed fiance has never even called you beautiful. 193 00:14:50,598.06155102 --> 00:14:55,938.06155102 I don't think there's anything wrong with a little external validation kick-starting your self-love. 194 00:14:55,938.06155102 --> 00:15:06,588.06155102 Like I just, as long as your self love doesn't stay exclusive to external validation, I don't see anything wrong with it because sometimes you just have to feel it from someone else before you can believe it yourself. 195 00:15:06,948.06155102 --> 00:15:10,488.06155102 And I know that's not the like kumbaya. 196 00:15:10,488.06155102 --> 00:15:14,668.06155102 Advice that most people would give you? But I think it's real advice. 197 00:15:14,668.06155102 --> 00:15:16,258.06155102 I think that's the reality of it. 198 00:15:16,258.06155102 --> 00:15:17,188.06155102 At least I needed it. 199 00:15:17,188.06155102 --> 00:15:18,808.06155102 In my case, there was no way. 200 00:15:18,808.06155102 --> 00:15:20,698.06155102 That I was going to believe in it myself. 201 00:15:20,698.06155102 --> 00:15:23,98.06155102 My self-love and my self-esteem was at rock bottom. 202 00:15:23,248.06155102 --> 00:15:24,778.06155102 You can't get blood from a stone. 203 00:15:24,778.06155102 --> 00:15:31,588.06155102 There was no way I was just gonna turn emptiness into a great, deep love for myself outta nowhere. 204 00:15:31,798.06155102 --> 00:15:32,488.06155102 I just couldn't. 205 00:15:32,488.06155102 --> 00:15:34,498.06155102 Maybe other people can, I could not. 206 00:15:34,558.06155102 --> 00:15:37,678.06155102 I needed a little bit of external validation. 207 00:15:37,828.06155102 --> 00:15:42,958.06155102 I needed that little bit of desire to feel, wanted to feel sexy again, to feel like. 208 00:15:42,958.06155102 --> 00:15:45,688.06155102 Yeah, like you, you are sexy. 209 00:15:46,78.06155102 --> 00:15:54,718.06155102 I had just been told by someone who I thought I was gonna spend the rest of my life with, that I was basically a nagging, annoying garbage person. 210 00:15:55,78.06155102 --> 00:15:58,948.06155102 I felt like I had been lied to by someone for 15 years who I thought. 211 00:15:58,948.06155102 --> 00:16:07,448.06155102 Thought the world with me and thought I was special, and now it seems like he didn't like me for the last few years and never had the balls to tell me. 212 00:16:07,448.06155102 --> 00:16:11,348.06155102 To be fair, I think there was a lot of projection in what he was saying. 213 00:16:11,348.06155102 --> 00:16:16,28.06155102 I think he just really didn't like himself and he didn't know how to change while being in a relationship with me. 214 00:16:16,28.06155102 --> 00:16:24,218.06155102 And he admitted later as much that it was just easier to blow up the whole thing and start over than to keep trying, which sucks. 215 00:16:24,218.06155102 --> 00:16:26,588.06155102 But honestly, I don't even care. 216 00:16:26,588.06155102 --> 00:16:28,463.06155102 I'm still just so relieved to not. 217 00:16:28,463.06155102 --> 00:16:31,433.06155102 Being in that relationship, it was the best thing you could have ever done. 218 00:16:31,433.06155102 --> 00:16:31,943.06155102 For me. 219 00:16:32,183.06155102 --> 00:16:34,73.06155102 I'm forever thankful that he dumped me. 220 00:16:34,313.06155102 --> 00:16:37,403.06155102 It was not working, and we would've been miserable forever. 221 00:16:37,403.06155102 --> 00:16:50,423.061551 But when I got out of that relationship, even to this day, I still find myself thinking, was he right? Am I that bad? Am I boring? Am I a nag? But by and large, I know I am who I am at this point, and I still have issues. 222 00:16:50,423.061551 --> 00:16:54,578.061551 Myself, with myself, but for the most part, I really love who I am at the core of my being. 223 00:16:54,638.061551 --> 00:16:58,208.061551 I think someone who ends up being with me should feel very lucky. 224 00:16:58,568.061551 --> 00:17:01,988.061551 I'm not perfect, obviously, but I'm someone committed to self work. 225 00:17:01,988.061551 --> 00:17:02,708.061551 I'm loyal. 226 00:17:02,708.061551 --> 00:17:03,848.061551 I'm not a bullshitter. 227 00:17:03,968.061551 --> 00:17:10,448.061551 I'm funny and sarcastic, and I'm a dreamer, and I will ride or die for someone else to help them achieve their dreams. 228 00:17:10,448.061551 --> 00:17:12,158.061551 I'm compassionate and empathetic. 229 00:17:12,158.061551 --> 00:17:13,448.061551 I'm giving and sensitive. 230 00:17:13,448.061551 --> 00:17:14,678.061551 I'm emotionally available. 231 00:17:14,678.061551 --> 00:17:17,468.061551 I'm smart, and I have some unique interests. 232 00:17:17,468.061551 --> 00:17:22,148.061551 And while I'm not a risk taker per se, I have taken quite a lot of risk in my life. 233 00:17:22,148.061551 --> 00:17:24,518.061551 I'm driven, even though I lack follow through sometimes. 234 00:17:24,518.061551 --> 00:17:28,118.061551 So personality wise, I think I'm a catch. 235 00:17:28,118.061551 --> 00:17:36,488.061551 And I don't wanna lose weight because I think it'll make me more attractive to others, or because I feel like I need to make up for something in my personality. 236 00:17:36,548.061551 --> 00:17:42,518.061551 I know plenty of people who have wanted me at my highest weight, but I just don't like me at this weight. 237 00:17:42,518.061551 --> 00:17:46,58.061551 Not just the number, it's how I feel in this present body. 238 00:17:46,58.061551 --> 00:17:47,18.061551 I feel weak. 239 00:17:47,18.061551 --> 00:17:48,428.061551 I feel out of sorts. 240 00:17:48,428.061551 --> 00:17:51,688.061551 It feels like I'm in someone else's body, just moving through life. 241 00:17:51,718.061551 --> 00:17:56,248.061551 I don't feel comfortable or connected to this body at all. 242 00:17:56,488.061551 --> 00:17:58,708.061551 It feels like I'm wearing a costume or something. 243 00:17:58,708.061551 --> 00:18:00,508.061551 This body doesn't feel natural. 244 00:18:00,508.061551 --> 00:18:02,668.061551 Or like my own to me. 245 00:18:02,668.061551 --> 00:18:07,578.061551 And that being said, i'm also not looking to be a skinny mini either. 246 00:18:07,788.061551 --> 00:18:09,918.061551 I like having curves, I like having shape. 247 00:18:10,308.061551 --> 00:18:12,258.061551 I just don't like this particular shape. 248 00:18:12,258.061551 --> 00:18:15,588.061551 It feels like I'm walking around with the wrong haircut. 249 00:18:15,618.061551 --> 00:18:17,118.061551 There's nothing wrong with it. 250 00:18:17,218.061551 --> 00:18:19,408.061551 But when I look in the mirror, it just. 251 00:18:19,408.061551 --> 00:18:21,868.061551 Doesn't feel like me looking back at me. 252 00:18:21,868.061551 --> 00:18:32,188.061551 And so to go back to the whole thing that I was talking about with my skin, I, I have done a lot of work to love myself, to love who I am inside, to love who I am as a person. 253 00:18:32,188.061551 --> 00:18:34,708.061551 There are some days where I just want. 254 00:18:34,708.061551 --> 00:18:35,398.061551 A win. 255 00:18:35,458.061551 --> 00:18:36,478.061551 Like I've done all of that. 256 00:18:36,478.061551 --> 00:18:38,668.061551 I've done a lot of that self work to like myself. 257 00:18:38,668.061551 --> 00:18:45,238.061551 I didn't always like myself at all, but I've done a lot of work to like who I am in my soul universe. 258 00:18:45,238.061551 --> 00:18:50,648.061551 Can you just give me some decent skin to go with it? Can't that just be my reward? Like I did all this hard work. 259 00:18:50,648.061551 --> 00:18:56,8.061551 Can you like make my skin not dry? Is that that Really too much to ask of the world. 260 00:18:56,8.061551 --> 00:18:56,938.061551 It bums me out. 261 00:18:56,938.061551 --> 00:19:11,688.061551 There's a topic that I think about a lot because it affects my day-to-day life and it connects back to body in a really big way for me, and it really connects back to my weight specifically, but it also ties back into what I was talking about last week with a mind body connection. 262 00:19:11,688.061551 --> 00:19:12,258.061551 But in. 263 00:19:12,258.061551 --> 00:19:15,58.061551 But in a different way than what I talked about last week. 264 00:19:15,58.061551 --> 00:19:16,198.061551 And that's emotional eating. 265 00:19:16,528.061551 --> 00:19:30,483.061551 So I am a member of Al-Anon and I bring this up because there are some major principles that I've been learning in Al-Anon that have really shaken up what I thought I knew and have really given me some new perspectives on things across a lot of areas of my life. 266 00:19:30,483.061551 --> 00:19:36,873.061551 I was thinking about binge eating and emotional eating, and I'm supposed to be a recovering binge eater, but I'm not. 267 00:19:36,993.061551 --> 00:19:37,893.061551 I still binge eat. 268 00:19:37,893.061551 --> 00:19:39,603.061551 I still emotionally eat all the time. 269 00:19:39,633.061551 --> 00:19:40,713.061551 I eat when I'm bored. 270 00:19:40,713.061551 --> 00:19:43,713.061551 I eat when I'm feeling sad or angry or overwhelmed. 271 00:19:43,713.061551 --> 00:19:44,673.061551 Food comforts me. 272 00:19:44,733.061551 --> 00:19:53,43.061551 Food has always been there for me when I often couldn't rely on other people to be there for me, and I went to therapy for years. 273 00:19:53,443.061551 --> 00:20:12,533.061551 To try to deal with emotional eating and to look at some of the underlying issues and when did it start and why did it start and how can I replace it? How can I refocus my energy and how can I like overcome this? How can I be in recovery from binge eating and emotional eating? And it worked for a while and it, but then it, then I just fell off. 274 00:20:12,533.061551 --> 00:20:16,673.061551 It was almost like I don't need that anymore, or I don't want to need it. 275 00:20:16,673.061551 --> 00:20:26,303.061551 And it does make me, I know emotional eating and food and all that is, to me is on a different plane than alcohol addiction or drug addiction. 276 00:20:26,523.061551 --> 00:20:30,933.061551 There are lots of people who say they're one and the same, that it's the same kind of. 277 00:20:30,933.061551 --> 00:20:38,103.061551 Neurological reaction and everything, but it's just, it's really hard for me personally, to be like, yes, they're one and the same. 278 00:20:38,193.061551 --> 00:20:46,723.061551 Because I don't know that emotional eating is like destroying my life to the same degree that like I've seen alcohol ruin. 279 00:20:46,723.061551 --> 00:20:51,463.061551 My life as by the people in my life who are addicted to alcohol and drugs. 280 00:20:51,463.061551 --> 00:20:55,363.061551 So I just like, because of my experience, it's really hard for me to be like, they're the same. 281 00:20:55,543.061551 --> 00:20:58,223.061551 But now again, I'm not like a, I'm not a therapist. 282 00:20:58,223.061551 --> 00:21:01,253.061551 So that's just, that's also just like my bias. 283 00:21:01,253.061551 --> 00:21:06,273.061551 But the point I'm trying to make is that, in Al-Anon you work steps too. 284 00:21:06,273.061551 --> 00:21:17,733.061551 Recover from being addicted to the addicts in your life in the same way that people in Alcoholics Anonymous work steps to be in recovery from the addiction in their life. 285 00:21:17,733.061551 --> 00:21:24,813.061551 I think what I realized this week in thinking a lot about body and revisiting my old feelings and my old journals around emotional eating. 286 00:21:24,813.061551 --> 00:21:30,3.061551 I am not working like a program, I'm not doing anything to stay mindful of it. 287 00:21:30,3.061551 --> 00:21:33,513.061551 I'm not doing anything to repair my relationship with food. 288 00:21:33,543.061551 --> 00:21:35,493.061551 I'm not taking any active steps. 289 00:21:35,733.061551 --> 00:21:46,23.061551 So that's why I bring up like the Al-Anon AA stuff, that component to it, because I feel like regardless about whether or not you think it's an addiction, I feel like you still have to have that mindfulness. 290 00:21:46,23.061551 --> 00:21:47,343.061551 You still have to. 291 00:21:47,343.061551 --> 00:21:51,903.061551 Retrain your brain and my relationship with food, and I'm not doing any of that. 292 00:21:51,903.061551 --> 00:21:55,623.061551 I had been for a long time, but I'm not anymore. 293 00:21:55,623.061551 --> 00:21:58,533.061551 And I need to get back to a place where I'm actively trying. 294 00:21:58,923.061551 --> 00:22:05,673.061551 If this thing bothers me and it's impacting my life, maybe not in like crazy, colossal ways, but it still impacting my life. 295 00:22:05,673.061551 --> 00:22:10,293.061551 I need to take active steps to get back into. 296 00:22:10,293.061551 --> 00:22:11,403.061551 Recovery from it. 297 00:22:11,403.061551 --> 00:22:17,793.061551 It's hard though because, for example, in my family, a celebration often revolves around the food that we're eating. 298 00:22:17,823.061551 --> 00:22:25,383.061551 A lot of times growing up a birthday or an anniversary or a holiday was the only time my family could afford to go out and eat. 299 00:22:25,383.061551 --> 00:22:28,96.9617778 So over time we really learned to associate food with. 300 00:22:29,136.9617778 --> 00:22:33,704.217551 Emotions, especially positive ones like happiness, comforting emotions. 301 00:22:33,704.217551 --> 00:22:38,564.217551 And as someone who still lives paycheck to paycheck, that is still very much the case. 302 00:22:38,564.217551 --> 00:22:45,524.217551 Like a lot of times the only time I'm able to go out to eat is like when I'm having a friend over or it's a special occasion. 303 00:22:45,574.217551 --> 00:22:58,28.095102 So it's really hard to separate that mindset, one of the things that they would tell me when I was in therapy is that you have to think about it as food is just fuel and food is just a meal. 304 00:22:58,58.095102 --> 00:23:02,538.095102 If you go out to a restaurant it's just one meal, it's not the end of the world. 305 00:23:02,598.095102 --> 00:23:05,688.095102 You don't have to think I'm never gonna be able to eat cake again. 306 00:23:06,18.095102 --> 00:23:08,988.095102 I'm never going to be able to eat a hamburger again. 307 00:23:08,988.095102 --> 00:23:13,638.095102 Or I'm never gonna be able to find a place that does vegetarian poutine again. 308 00:23:13,688.095102 --> 00:23:20,198.095102 It's just but those are the things that I would tell myself, to justify the decisions that I'm making. 309 00:23:20,198.095102 --> 00:23:24,938.095102 And it's also hard because people who say, then just don't eat that. 310 00:23:24,938.095102 --> 00:23:27,638.095102 I really do think that they're trying to help. 311 00:23:27,638.095102 --> 00:23:31,198.095102 Even when they're a real asshole, but I think they believe that they're. 312 00:23:31,198.095102 --> 00:23:35,188.095102 Letting this fat person into some secret we've never thought of. 313 00:23:35,198.095102 --> 00:23:35,918.095102 Oh yeah. 314 00:23:35,918.095102 --> 00:23:37,748.095102 I never thought that I could just not eat it. 315 00:23:37,748.095102 --> 00:23:42,988.095102 But anyone who struggles with emotional eating knows that it's deeper than just putting a fork down. 316 00:23:42,988.095102 --> 00:23:47,128.095102 It's really not about, it's not about the fork, it's not about the food itself. 317 00:23:47,228.095102 --> 00:23:54,318.095102 Half the time when I'm binge eating I don't, I'm not even necessarily loving the thing that I'm eating. 318 00:23:54,378.095102 --> 00:23:59,718.095102 I just love the emotional response that dopamine hit that I'm getting from it. 319 00:23:59,718.095102 --> 00:24:05,808.095102 I think there's also a huge misconception that all emotional eaters are fat people and all emotional eaters are binge eaters, which. 320 00:24:05,808.095102 --> 00:24:09,228.095102 Isn't true, at least how my therapist explained it to me. 321 00:24:09,228.095102 --> 00:24:13,258.095102 I bet everyone has that person in their office who's always oh, I'm so stressed today. 322 00:24:13,258.095102 --> 00:24:16,588.095102 Like, where'd that candy jar go? That's emotional eating. 323 00:24:16,588.095102 --> 00:24:19,408.095102 Even coffee sometimes I think can be an emotional crutch. 324 00:24:19,408.095102 --> 00:24:22,708.095102 It doesn't have to be large amounts of food to be emotional eating, but it. 325 00:24:22,708.095102 --> 00:24:27,208.095102 I think it does have to be large amounts of food in one sitting to be considered binge eating. 326 00:24:27,208.095102 --> 00:24:34,978.095102 And binge eating is like a subset of emotional eating, and I struggle with both, especially bored, mindless eating. 327 00:24:35,8.095102 --> 00:24:41,38.095102 When I'm trying to shut my mind off from work and watch tv, I can't help but just wanna snack. 328 00:24:41,38.095102 --> 00:24:51,398.095102 Especially if I'm watching a show where they're eating like Real Housewives, they're always going out to dinner, or like a lot of family sitcoms where they're always sitting down to eat dinner or something. 329 00:24:51,398.095102 --> 00:24:58,328.095102 That stuff is really hard for me because I inevitably just want to eat as though I'm like part of the show, almost like a parasocial thing. 330 00:24:58,328.095102 --> 00:25:02,258.095102 But it's also just like I see what they're eating and then I start to want that thing. 331 00:25:02,258.095102 --> 00:25:03,968.095102 And I think part of it is just like. 332 00:25:03,968.095102 --> 00:25:14,588.095102 I'm usually not hungry, it's just food noise and my brain becomes so full of food noise that certain foods become a craving that I just can't ignore anymore. 333 00:25:14,928.095102 --> 00:25:28,968.095102 Food noise is the only thing that, when I hear people talk about GLP ones like ozempic and Majaro and stuff like that, when they talk about how the food noise just completely silences I can't even begin to imagine what that must feel like because. 334 00:25:28,968.095102 --> 00:25:34,998.095102 The food noise is so incredible in my mind all the time, and it's not just about. 335 00:25:35,48.095102 --> 00:25:36,758.095102 I want to eat, I'm hungry, I want to eat. 336 00:25:36,818.095102 --> 00:25:43,708.095102 It's really it's not so much that, it's more like the food noise is more like I need comfort, I need to feel good. 337 00:25:43,708.095102 --> 00:25:44,638.095102 I wanna feel happy. 338 00:25:44,638.095102 --> 00:25:47,258.095102 I wanna feel I want that dopamine hit. 339 00:25:47,258.095102 --> 00:25:49,928.095102 Like, how can I get that? This thing will give me that person's having that. 340 00:25:49,928.095102 --> 00:25:50,558.095102 I want that. 341 00:25:50,558.095102 --> 00:25:52,388.095102 Why can't I have that? I wish I could have that. 342 00:25:52,388.095102 --> 00:25:53,288.095102 And not feel this way. 343 00:25:53,288.095102 --> 00:25:57,8.095102 I wish I could eat that and not feel like the food noise is like really incredible. 344 00:25:57,8.095102 --> 00:26:05,978.095102 And when I hear that people have that diminish almost completely when they use a GLP one, that is really like the only thing that makes me. 345 00:26:05,978.095102 --> 00:26:08,498.095102 Consider using a GLP one. 346 00:26:08,498.095102 --> 00:26:09,668.095102 I can't afford them. 347 00:26:09,728.095102 --> 00:26:15,818.095102 My insurance doesn't really cover them or barely covers them, and that's just like more than I can probably afford right now. 348 00:26:15,818.095102 --> 00:26:19,238.095102 But, but that just sounds so lovely. 349 00:26:19,298.095102 --> 00:26:22,778.095102 It reminds me of the time when I was like really depressed. 350 00:26:22,778.095102 --> 00:26:30,608.095102 And when I was younger and I was reading the book Prozac Nation, and I think Elizabeth Wetzel in that book described. 351 00:26:30,608.095102 --> 00:26:35,818.095102 People always would ask her like, what does this feel like to go from feeling depressed to like. 352 00:26:35,818.095102 --> 00:26:45,33.095102 After you start taking Prozac and you find like the right combination of medicine or whatever and what that feels like how do you realize that like you're not depressed anymore. 353 00:26:45,33.095102 --> 00:26:52,163.095102 And if I remember right, I think she pretty much just compared it to you just wake up one day and that voice in your head is gone. 354 00:26:52,493.095102 --> 00:26:54,293.095102 And I remember. 355 00:26:54,293.095102 --> 00:27:00,53.095102 Reading that when I was like, at one of my lowest points and just thinking like, God, that sounds so amazing. 356 00:27:00,53.095102 --> 00:27:02,568.095102 I can't even imagine what that would feel like. 357 00:27:02,598.095102 --> 00:27:12,978.095102 And one day, when I was in therapy and those depressive thoughts finally moved aside for a while, it was really freeing and it was really opening and it was uplifting. 358 00:27:12,978.095102 --> 00:27:18,318.095102 It did feel like there was a huge weight off my shoulders and a huge weight off my mind. 359 00:27:18,318.095102 --> 00:27:20,88.095102 And like a path had cleared forward. 360 00:27:20,88.095102 --> 00:27:24,528.095102 And I imagine that's like what it must be like for people who say that the food noise is gone. 361 00:27:24,528.095102 --> 00:27:28,668.095102 I already said this earlier, but like I really struggle with calling food an addiction. 362 00:27:28,668.095102 --> 00:27:45,828.095102 I know there is science to back it up, but because I have and have had people in my life who suffer truly crippling addictions that have either taken their lives or have made their lives unrecognizable, it feels really uncomfortable to me to talk about food as an injection to like put them on the same level. 363 00:27:45,828.095102 --> 00:27:49,668.095102 I know that the science and neurology and all that stuff like. 364 00:27:49,668.095102 --> 00:27:52,698.095102 And the physiology and the way our food reacts, like chemically. 365 00:27:52,698.095102 --> 00:27:54,468.095102 It doesn't really matter what the addiction is. 366 00:27:54,468.095102 --> 00:27:57,228.095102 It doesn't matter if it's a chemical, if it's a food, what it is. 367 00:27:57,258.095102 --> 00:28:19,848.095102 But at the same time, I also don't know what else to call it because like when you feel out of control and you feel like you are giving into something that you feel like you should be able to control and being with someone who's been with addicts who say, like they addicts will often say things like, I've got this just one, I can control it, I can manage it, it doesn't control me. 368 00:28:19,848.095102 --> 00:28:20,538.095102 All this stuff. 369 00:28:20,568.095102 --> 00:28:29,28.095102 And it's like, when I think about it, it's okay, haven't I said all of that same stuff to myself all the time? And, but I've never found something. 370 00:28:29,28.095102 --> 00:28:37,758.095102 That makes my relationship with food sustainable and constant and the, my relationship with my body sustainable and constant. 371 00:28:37,758.095102 --> 00:28:46,788.095102 My relationship with my body, my relationship with food, my relationship with myself is like always in flux and that definitely doesn't help with the food noise. 372 00:28:46,868.095102 --> 00:28:51,258.095102 There's food noise, but then there's like just self noise layered on top of that. 373 00:28:51,258.095102 --> 00:28:56,848.095102 It's really hard to not buckle under the weight of all that's going on in my head. 374 00:28:56,848.095102 --> 00:29:00,328.095102 There's impulse control, there's ritual tied to it, there's food. 375 00:29:00,328.095102 --> 00:29:08,188.095102 Noise i's emotional relief that comes from eating quickly, followed by shame and guilt, which often perpetuates the next food cycle. 376 00:29:08,508.095102 --> 00:29:16,538.095102 That's that's the cycle of emotional eating is it's no longer about what you're eating, how much you're eating to fuel your body. 377 00:29:16,538.095102 --> 00:29:17,678.095102 It's not about any of that. 378 00:29:17,678.095102 --> 00:29:18,338.095102 It's about. 379 00:29:18,338.095102 --> 00:29:33,578.095102 You're really like feeding the shame cycle and it's really hard to break away from that shame cycle because then you have to sit in these feelings and learn to deal with these feelings that you have often turned to food to comfort and quell and soften. 380 00:29:33,968.095102 --> 00:29:43,538.095102 And and I think people who haven't experienced that and haven't really gone to therapy to really think about what those levels are that they're dealing with. 381 00:29:43,538.095102 --> 00:29:47,468.095102 It's really easy for people to go no fatty, just put down the hamburger. 382 00:29:47,468.095102 --> 00:29:50,918.095102 But it's not that there's so much more to it than that. 383 00:29:51,98.095102 --> 00:29:57,468.095102 And when you've grown up in a household where everything you do revolves around food, like my parents don't have a ton of hobbies. 384 00:29:57,468.095102 --> 00:29:59,628.095102 Hobby is their hobby is. 385 00:29:59,628.095102 --> 00:30:00,198.095102 Eating. 386 00:30:00,228.095102 --> 00:30:03,248.095102 It's like they're not foodies, but they're people who enjoy eating. 387 00:30:03,248.095102 --> 00:30:10,68.095102 They look forward, they like having a really hard day so that they come home and have a really good stick to your ribs dinner. 388 00:30:10,98.095102 --> 00:30:12,678.095102 They enjoy going out to eat. 389 00:30:12,708.095102 --> 00:30:15,278.095102 They enjoy they don't have a lot of hobbies, so like that's what it is. 390 00:30:15,278.095102 --> 00:30:23,298.095102 My mom's favorite hobby is like cooking, watching the food network, feeding everybody, like showing her love through, making people their favorite treats and stuff. 391 00:30:23,298.095102 --> 00:30:39,18.095102 So like that when that has been so ingrained in you that like you just get a lot of emotional relief from food your entire life, that's very hard to separate in the same way that a lot of people get emotional relief from certain substances for years and years. 392 00:30:39,18.095102 --> 00:30:42,728.095102 We just, we also just expect them to just we'll just move on from it already. 393 00:30:42,828.095102 --> 00:30:53,593.095102 It's easy for people who aren't in a particular mindset or in a certain circumstance to think that solving the problem is very easy and that there's nothing deeper to it, but. 394 00:30:53,593.095102 --> 00:30:59,353.095102 There is, I don't think there's anybody who was trapped in an emotional eating or binge eating cycle that likes it. 395 00:30:59,463.095102 --> 00:31:01,413.095102 I don't know that I've never met that person. 396 00:31:01,413.095102 --> 00:31:07,563.095102 They might like it initially for a while, like in the very beginning because it is comforting and it's fun because you're just like. 397 00:31:07,563.095102 --> 00:31:13,803.095102 Eating these foods that you love or you're getting that like quick fix, but eventually they don't like it. 398 00:31:13,803.095102 --> 00:31:27,963.095102 I don't know anyone that is like loving it, because you don't feel in control and you don't feel like you have a good sense of self and you do feel like you are doing things that you don't really agree with. 399 00:31:27,963.095102 --> 00:31:30,543.095102 That's like where the shame and the guilt and comes from. 400 00:31:30,543.095102 --> 00:31:32,433.095102 So that's always on my mind. 401 00:31:32,433.095102 --> 00:31:38,153.095102 But these are some of the things that, when we talk about body, it's not just on the surface of like how someone looks. 402 00:31:38,153.095102 --> 00:31:41,213.095102 There's, it's such a deep seated. 403 00:31:41,213.095102 --> 00:31:45,413.095102 All encompassing word, there's so much to it. 404 00:31:45,413.095102 --> 00:31:46,283.095102 I'm a big girl. 405 00:31:46,283.095102 --> 00:31:46,733.095102 I'm fat. 406 00:31:46,763.095102 --> 00:31:47,603.095102 I'm not curvy. 407 00:31:47,843.095102 --> 00:31:48,893.095102 I'm more than plus size. 408 00:31:48,893.095102 --> 00:31:51,773.095102 I'm a big girl who never wants to be thin. 409 00:31:51,983.095102 --> 00:31:55,133.095102 But I also don't love being in my current body for a lot of reasons. 410 00:31:55,163.095102 --> 00:31:57,323.095102 Some are aesthetic, some are not. 411 00:31:57,323.095102 --> 00:32:00,473.095102 I'm not gonna share my actual weight because that's none of your business. 412 00:32:00,473.095102 --> 00:32:01,883.095102 And it shouldn't be about a number. 413 00:32:01,883.095102 --> 00:32:03,143.095102 It should be about a feeling. 414 00:32:03,323.095102 --> 00:32:09,183.095102 And when I was growing up, there used to be this thing that magazines would talk about and they'd call it like Your Happy Weight. 415 00:32:09,183.095102 --> 00:32:10,143.095102 And I think. 416 00:32:10,143.095102 --> 00:32:16,233.095102 What they were trying to do was more like, your happy weight should be like 1 35 or whatever. 417 00:32:16,233.095102 --> 00:32:23,313.095102 Like they, it was about like the number, it wasn't really about the feeling they were trying to conflate like, oh, if you hit this number, you'll feel happier. 418 00:32:23,363.095102 --> 00:32:26,663.095102 But I do think if you strip away all of their. 419 00:32:26,663.095102 --> 00:32:27,803.095102 Connotations around it. 420 00:32:27,803.095102 --> 00:32:37,463.095102 I do think there is a weight where people can feel really happy and I know that there is a weight where or like a size of my body that I know I feel. 421 00:32:37,463.095102 --> 00:32:38,723.095102 I'm gonna feel the most comfortable. 422 00:32:38,723.095102 --> 00:32:44,183.095102 And like I said, like I don't really feel at home in my own body and that's not 'cause I don't love myself I just don't like it. 423 00:32:44,183.095102 --> 00:32:45,593.095102 And I think that's totally fine. 424 00:32:45,923.095102 --> 00:32:51,263.095102 I believe in body positivity and to me that means it's okay to change your body if it makes you happy. 425 00:32:51,653.095102 --> 00:32:59,263.095102 I think I'm a person who believes in body positivity, but also believes if you want plastic surgery and that makes you happy and you're not doing it to like. 426 00:32:59,263.095102 --> 00:33:06,193.095102 Super extreme level where it's obvious that you're like using plastic surgery in lieu of therapy, then go for it. 427 00:33:06,193.095102 --> 00:33:09,133.095102 Like why should I care? If that makes you feel better. 428 00:33:09,133.095102 --> 00:33:12,733.095102 Because we're all born in our bodies and we are all given a. 429 00:33:13,23.095102 --> 00:33:18,813.095102 Things within our own bodies that we just don't like and I think it's perfectly fine to wanna change your aesthetics. 430 00:33:18,813.095102 --> 00:33:23,43.095102 I think it's totally fine to whatever's gonna make you feel comfortable. 431 00:33:23,313.095102 --> 00:33:42,233.095102 And I think because we've lived in a world where so long people changing their bodies was based on what other people think and what other people want them to look like, versus what I want myself to look like or what you want yourself to look like, or what you think is pretty, or what you think is aesthetically pleasing or what you feel makes you comfortable. 432 00:33:42,513.095102 --> 00:33:50,803.095102 I just think that life's too short not to feel good in your own body, and I don't think it's crazy to wanna change some things about yourself. 433 00:33:50,803.095102 --> 00:33:54,613.095102 Not in a, I think if your goal is perfection, that's where you're going wrong. 434 00:33:54,613.095102 --> 00:33:59,723.095102 But if your idea is I just wanna feel more comfortable, I want this looks better to me, and it looked. 435 00:33:59,723.095102 --> 00:34:19,993.095102 And as long as you're not knocking down someone else along the way because they don't want the same thing that you want and they don't think the same things are as desirable or aesthetically pleasing as you, as long as you're not knocking someone else down along the way, then what's the big deal? as long as you're not succumbing to pure peer pressure and you're doing it for your own reasons. 436 00:34:19,993.095102 --> 00:34:33,373.095102 I don't see the problem in it, but there's something that has happened the last few years in the fat community where it feels like body positivity has taken to the extreme where if you even consider losing weight, then you're part of the problem. 437 00:34:33,373.095102 --> 00:34:35,443.095102 And I don't agree with that. 438 00:34:35,443.095102 --> 00:34:41,933.095102 I think that is just as toxic as the diet culture we all grew up in where everyone had to be real thin. 439 00:34:41,933.095102 --> 00:34:47,273.095102 If you're someone that's happy in your body, you like your size, you feel sexy, you feel good, then good on you, go for it. 440 00:34:47,273.095102 --> 00:34:57,113.095102 But if you're someone who is in pain or you want to look different and you want to be a smaller size, or you wanna be a bigger size, go for it. 441 00:34:57,113.095102 --> 00:35:00,973.095102 I don't know what the problem is, and I feel like. 442 00:35:00,973.095102 --> 00:35:12,523.095102 When someone is trying to knock someone down for wanting to change themselves to feel better about themselves, I think that says more about the person who is upset about it than it does about the person who's like trying to make the change again. 443 00:35:12,573.095102 --> 00:35:13,953.095102 There are limits to everything. 444 00:35:13,983.095102 --> 00:35:21,833.095102 Like you can't be going crazy and completely altering every inch of yourself and doing it because it's I wanna look like Barbie. 445 00:35:21,833.095102 --> 00:35:29,903.095102 As long as you're not doing it to an extreme and being like, I wanna look like a Barbie doll, because that's what men think are attractive. 446 00:35:29,903.095102 --> 00:35:36,263.095102 And it has nothing to do with whether or not you think that's attractive or whether or not, or if it's just because I think that's attractive. 447 00:35:36,293.095102 --> 00:35:38,723.095102 'cause everyone told me that's attractive, so that's what I want. 448 00:35:38,773.095102 --> 00:35:43,293.095102 That's where it gets maybe not, maybe you're, maybe you should really think about what you're doing, but. 449 00:35:43,293.095102 --> 00:35:48,933.095102 If you wanna lose weight because you wanna feel better about yourself, who cares? Let people just live. 450 00:35:48,933.095102 --> 00:35:52,708.095102 It's hard because like my mom did Weight Watchers, Atkins, she went to Curves. 451 00:35:52,928.095102 --> 00:35:55,928.095102 She had bariatric surgery my senior year of high school. 452 00:35:55,928.095102 --> 00:36:11,118.095102 My dad has struggled with his weight most of his adult life, and he even at one point wanted to get weight loss surgery, but he was denied because he he had a hernia and so they said that he was no longer qualified and he was crushed after that. 453 00:36:11,118.095102 --> 00:36:14,388.095102 But, I grew up in a house where I. 454 00:36:14,388.095102 --> 00:36:17,58.095102 Weight was on top of mind all the time. 455 00:36:17,58.095102 --> 00:36:19,68.095102 Your body was on top of mind all the time. 456 00:36:19,68.095102 --> 00:36:21,558.095102 My mom has said horrible things to me growing up. 457 00:36:21,558.095102 --> 00:36:27,198.095102 Like I remember one time this, she does not remember doing this, but she did this numerous times. 458 00:36:27,498.095102 --> 00:36:36,198.095102 She had a photo on our fridge and it was her and these Hot pants, so like kids who dunno what hot pants are, they're super, super short. 459 00:36:36,198.095102 --> 00:36:40,278.095102 Shorts and she was like on top of a car and all this stuff. 460 00:36:40,278.095102 --> 00:36:44,318.095102 And it was from like when she was like really like probably 1920 or something like that. 461 00:36:44,708.095102 --> 00:36:53,698.095102 And she used to keep it on the fridge and I'm pretty sure she kept it on the fridge as like a inspo photo, like I wanna get back to this weight kind of thing. 462 00:36:53,698.095102 --> 00:36:57,563.095102 And she used to point at the picture and say to me. 463 00:36:57,563.095102 --> 00:37:00,743.095102 This is what I looked like before I had you, you did this to me. 464 00:37:00,743.095102 --> 00:37:03,173.095102 And then she'd like point to her fat body. 465 00:37:03,173.095102 --> 00:37:05,213.095102 And the truth is like that for all. 466 00:37:05,213.095102 --> 00:37:06,413.095102 That was like devastating. 467 00:37:06,413.095102 --> 00:37:07,673.095102 But I've worked past that. 468 00:37:07,673.095102 --> 00:37:11,303.095102 Now I know that my, that's just how my mom is and. 469 00:37:11,303.095102 --> 00:37:13,163.095102 She says stuff like that to anybody. 470 00:37:13,163.095102 --> 00:37:15,383.095102 It doesn't actually have anything to do with me. 471 00:37:15,473.095102 --> 00:37:16,613.095102 I can't control that. 472 00:37:16,703.095102 --> 00:37:21,773.095102 I am, I'm not the reason why she didn't lose weight after having a baby, if that's what she wanted or whatever. 473 00:37:22,103.095102 --> 00:37:28,543.095102 And I'm also not the reason why society has put pressure on her to feel like she needed to have a pre-baby body. 474 00:37:28,633.095102 --> 00:37:32,23.095102 Like she, she needed to have a 20-year-old body for her entire life. 475 00:37:32,23.095102 --> 00:37:34,663.095102 None of those things are my fault, so I've moved on from that. 476 00:37:34,663.095102 --> 00:37:49,633.095102 And I've also just learned to accept that my mom is my mom, and she will say awful things to people her entire life, and you just have to walk away from it when she starts to do that, or not take it personally if you're gonna be around her. 477 00:37:49,633.095102 --> 00:37:51,678.095102 Anyway that's a story for another day. 478 00:37:51,678.095102 --> 00:37:52,943.095102 But my point is that. 479 00:37:53,258.095102 --> 00:37:59,378.095102 I was always like top of mind in my house and I was always judged and I was always being judged for what I was eating. 480 00:37:59,378.095102 --> 00:38:09,728.095102 Always little comments under my mom's breath about, my mom's breath about, do you really need to eat that? Do you, you don't, do we really need dessert tonight? No. 481 00:38:09,728.095102 --> 00:38:15,578.095102 Why don't you like eat this instead? Then she hit me like cabbage soup when I was like clearly I'm wanting an Oreo. 482 00:38:15,578.095102 --> 00:38:18,393.095102 She was always watching how much I was eating and all this stuff, and. 483 00:38:18,393.095102 --> 00:38:19,173.095102 O one. 484 00:38:19,173.095102 --> 00:38:33,543.095102 I've learned that a lot of my control issues have come from my mother and father, but especially my mother because, she wanted to control what I was eating because one, she had to control herself and what she was eating, and she felt like if she's gonna suffer, everyone else is gonna suffer. 485 00:38:33,813.095102 --> 00:38:34,53.095102 Two. 486 00:38:34,53.095102 --> 00:38:39,853.095102 She genuinely thought that she was like helping me, she thought by controlling what I'm eating, she's helping me. 487 00:38:39,853.095102 --> 00:38:42,373.095102 What ended up happening is I. 488 00:38:42,373.095102 --> 00:38:50,113.095102 Over time developed a really sick sense of what my body should look like and what it would take to be in that body. 489 00:38:50,503.095102 --> 00:38:52,663.095102 And I had this trampoline. 490 00:38:52,663.095102 --> 00:38:54,313.095102 I would be out there for hours and hours. 491 00:38:54,313.095102 --> 00:38:57,403.095102 One summer I lost a lot of weight, like a lot of weight. 492 00:38:57,433.095102 --> 00:38:58,933.095102 Like I was not eating. 493 00:38:59,293.095102 --> 00:39:06,13.095102 My mom was on Weight Watchers and Weight Watchers, if you've never done it, has this thing where like this is how old Weight Watchers was. 494 00:39:06,13.095102 --> 00:39:16,933.095102 I know it's like a little bit different now, but it was all points based and they used to have foods that they were called Zero point Foods, which meant you could eat as much of it as you wanted and you would, it would be zero points and depending on what. 495 00:39:16,933.095102 --> 00:39:22,983.095102 What weight you were, you might only have like 10 to 15 points a day to be able to eat. 496 00:39:22,983.095102 --> 00:39:25,293.095102 So my mom would make this cabbage soup. 497 00:39:25,293.095102 --> 00:39:31,553.095102 And I like cabbage soup, but it was a lot of cabbage soup, but there were just certain foods that you could just eat endlessly. 498 00:39:31,553.095102 --> 00:39:32,693.095102 So that was all I was eating. 499 00:39:32,693.095102 --> 00:39:39,983.095102 So I was just like eating cabbage soup, going out on the trampoline, eating cabbage soup, going out on the trampoline, eating more cabbage soup, going out on the trampoline. 500 00:39:39,983.095102 --> 00:39:42,913.095102 I was anorexic and I didn't even realize it. 501 00:39:43,248.095102 --> 00:39:53,688.095102 I had started reading when I was growing up around the same time, what was like really popular for books were these like anonymous scary diaries, Go Ask Alice. 502 00:39:53,688.095102 --> 00:39:59,288.095102 And stories about it happened, I don't know, it was like something like had happened to Helen or something like that. 503 00:39:59,288.095102 --> 00:40:01,778.095102 And there was one I wish I could remember. 504 00:40:01,778.095102 --> 00:40:10,358.095102 It had to something like the, I'll try to find it, but it had something like to do with something star, and it was like one of those anonymous diaries. 505 00:40:10,358.095102 --> 00:40:14,18.095102 But this one was about someone who had anorexia. 506 00:40:14,18.095102 --> 00:40:24,18.095102 And a lot of these stories, like a lot of these books ended up being proved that they were not real, but they were about like teen pregnancy or aids or, drug addiction or whatever. 507 00:40:24,18.095102 --> 00:40:39,48.095102 It was always like this like very lifetime storyline where it was like supposed to be these diaries from these anonymous people that were like published and every bad thing that could have ever happened to them from like their decision of act accidentally taking drugs at a party or whatever and all this stuff. 508 00:40:39,48.095102 --> 00:40:43,698.095102 But so this one was about anorexia and me and my friend were obsessed with this book. 509 00:40:44,88.095102 --> 00:40:47,778.095102 I read it front to back probably five times, one summer, that same summer. 510 00:40:47,778.095102 --> 00:40:49,938.095102 I only realized a few years ago. 511 00:40:49,938.095102 --> 00:40:56,118.095102 That I was reading it, not because I found it interesting or because I found comfort or I found it relatable. 512 00:40:56,118.095102 --> 00:40:59,428.095102 I was reading it as though it was a book of tips. 513 00:40:59,758.095102 --> 00:41:01,378.095102 I was reading it to find out. 514 00:41:01,378.095102 --> 00:41:06,628.095102 What was this girl who had anorexia eating? Even though I knew it was like fake, I was like there's gotta still be some tips in here. 515 00:41:06,628.095102 --> 00:41:12,148.095102 And this was also around the time that there were a lot of pro anorexia websites that were popping up in chat rooms. 516 00:41:12,148.095102 --> 00:41:15,28.095102 And I was in those and I was getting tips from those people. 517 00:41:15,28.095102 --> 00:41:20,998.095102 It was also around the time that like Lifetime was also airing a lot of anorexia, teen drama movies. 518 00:41:20,998.095102 --> 00:41:22,168.095102 So I was watching a lot of those. 519 00:41:22,168.095102 --> 00:41:33,178.095102 I got so bad to a point where my mom didn't allow me to watch any of those shows anymore, which again was like not, didn't really help because it just made me feel like there must be something of truth there. 520 00:41:33,178.095102 --> 00:41:36,598.095102 She's not wanting me to watch these things. 521 00:41:36,598.095102 --> 00:41:39,988.095102 And then finally my parents sat me down one night. 522 00:41:39,988.095102 --> 00:41:59,888.095102 And basically banned me from using the trampoline and told me that they were concerned that I had lost so much weight that that they were like really concerned for me and that, and my parents went about it in all the wrong ways because I felt like they ended up like, punishing me for this instead of like really trying to understand why I was doing it. 523 00:41:59,888.095102 --> 00:42:11,678.095102 But the thing that sucked is like when I tried to explain why I was doing it, it was pretty much I thought you'd be proud of me because everything I had been hearing for years had been your weight. 524 00:42:12,68.095102 --> 00:42:13,238.095102 Weight is what matters. 525 00:42:13,238.095102 --> 00:42:17,678.095102 Like it's so important for my mom to be back down to like her 20-year-old weight. 526 00:42:17,888.095102 --> 00:42:20,348.095102 So here I am working really hard to lose weight. 527 00:42:20,348.095102 --> 00:42:21,968.095102 I've done it like I remember. 528 00:42:21,968.095102 --> 00:42:33,968.095102 Thinking to myself that there were some days where my total Weight Watchers points for the day would be zero because I didn't actually eat anything of any substance all day, and I thought that was the goal. 529 00:42:33,968.095102 --> 00:42:40,228.095102 I had this morbid sense of weight watchers that the point wasn't to hit your, somewhere between like your nine and 12 points a day. 530 00:42:40,228.095102 --> 00:42:44,328.095102 It would, I thought if that's, if you could get down to zero, that would be even better. 531 00:42:44,458.095102 --> 00:42:45,598.095102 That means like you're really. 532 00:42:45,983.095102 --> 00:42:47,603.095102 Committed, like you're really doing it. 533 00:42:47,603.095102 --> 00:42:56,903.095102 And when I tried to explain to my parents, like I obviously didn't say it like this to them, but like when I was trying to explain to them like, I did this because this is what you taught me. 534 00:42:56,903.095102 --> 00:42:58,553.095102 They lost it on me. 535 00:42:58,553.095102 --> 00:43:04,793.095102 They refused to accept any responsibility that they had created this environment where all that mattered was your weight. 536 00:43:04,793.095102 --> 00:43:09,483.095102 And that, of course, I'm thinking about my weight constantly because you are constantly talking about your weight. 537 00:43:09,543.095102 --> 00:43:18,833.095102 And of course I'm trying to lose weight because you keep telling me I shouldn't be eating cake and I shouldn't be eating brownies and I shouldn't be eating full fat dressing. 538 00:43:18,833.095102 --> 00:43:20,573.095102 And all you guys do is talk about your weight. 539 00:43:20,603.095102 --> 00:43:25,853.095102 All you guys do is talk about what you're making for dinner that's like low fat, low calorie, whatever. 540 00:43:25,853.095102 --> 00:43:35,923.095102 And I felt so angry and betrayed and it took me a long time to realize that that conversation is when a lot of the issues with my mom started. 541 00:43:35,923.095102 --> 00:43:43,163.095102 Was from that conversation and there had been like, obviously things before, it wasn't like that was the starting point, but that was like a real. 542 00:43:43,163.095102 --> 00:43:44,753.095102 Moment of change in our relationship. 543 00:43:44,753.095102 --> 00:43:51,623.095102 I felt betrayed by her because I thought I did exactly everything that she wanted and I had this amazing outcome. 544 00:43:51,623.095102 --> 00:44:02,463.095102 And I think there was also part of me that was like convinced, and I still think that part of this is true, is that I think she was pissed that I lost weight and she hadn't lost much weight. 545 00:44:02,593.095102 --> 00:44:06,493.095102 She will never admit that, but I do think that played some part in it. 546 00:44:06,583.095102 --> 00:44:13,373.095102 I think she was mad, she was always mad at my dad when he would lose weight because men oftentimes lose weight much easier than women. 547 00:44:13,373.095102 --> 00:44:21,533.095102 But I remember one time my dad was like doing really well on a diet and it was like the only time he'd ever done really well, and he had lost like 40, 50, 60 pounds or something. 548 00:44:21,863.095102 --> 00:44:27,503.095102 But my mom had only lost like 30 and she berated my dad so hard and made him feel so guilty. 549 00:44:27,503.095102 --> 00:44:28,283.095102 And instead of. 550 00:44:28,283.095102 --> 00:44:42,903.095102 Congratulating him for doing really well and looking great and feeling great and having lots of energy and instead, she just had to let her jealousy take over and my dad ended up feeling so bad that he stopped losing weight and gave up on the diet altogether and then. 551 00:44:42,903.095102 --> 00:44:44,463.095102 Of course he gained all the weight right back. 552 00:44:44,463.095102 --> 00:44:46,713.095102 'cause it wasn't a sustainable life-changing diet. 553 00:44:46,713.095102 --> 00:44:48,33.095102 It was like Atkins or something. 554 00:44:48,83.095102 --> 00:44:53,363.095102 But like the morbid kind of form of Atkins where like people are only eating bacon eight times a day. 555 00:44:53,363.095102 --> 00:44:56,693.095102 Like it was like that 1998 version of Atkins. 556 00:44:57,143.095102 --> 00:45:01,883.095102 Since then, I've never had a good relationship with my body or with my weight. 557 00:45:01,883.095102 --> 00:45:05,633.095102 Frankly, I am not at my weight today because of healthy habits. 558 00:45:05,633.095102 --> 00:45:09,713.095102 I'm not saying people at my size can't be healthy because I, in fact, am. 559 00:45:09,713.095102 --> 00:45:13,733.095102 I just had an extended panel of blood work and test done, and there was nothing wrong with me. 560 00:45:13,763.095102 --> 00:45:17,3.095102 The only thing I have is asthma, which I've had since I was a kid. 561 00:45:17,63.095102 --> 00:45:20,453.095102 Not because I was fat, but because my mother was a heavy smoker. 562 00:45:20,493.095102 --> 00:45:25,173.095102 And then I have that like hip pain that I'm always talking about, which I'm gonna be going to physical therapy for. 563 00:45:25,173.095102 --> 00:45:25,833.095102 But that was it. 564 00:45:25,833.095102 --> 00:45:28,563.095102 And I had them look at hormones, I had them look at everything. 565 00:45:28,593.095102 --> 00:45:31,293.095102 'cause I was like, I just wanna make sure everything is okay. 566 00:45:31,293.095102 --> 00:45:33,363.095102 I'm not I'm not pre-diabetic. 567 00:45:33,363.095102 --> 00:45:36,543.095102 Which I think people look at me and probably assume that I am just diabetic. 568 00:45:36,543.095102 --> 00:45:39,253.095102 So when I say I wanna lose weight, it's. 569 00:45:39,253.095102 --> 00:45:44,23.095102 It's also because like I think I'm pretty lucky for not having any health issues. 570 00:45:44,53.095102 --> 00:45:50,983.095102 Like I'm, I think I'm very lucky and I think that if I were to continue to gain weight, I don't think that would be the case anymore. 571 00:45:51,163.095102 --> 00:45:52,573.095102 And I think as I get older. 572 00:45:52,903.095102 --> 00:45:56,953.095102 Being at this weight is only going to make me more susceptible to certain diseases. 573 00:45:57,13.095102 --> 00:46:08,283.095102 And I wanna get ahead of that because I don't want to be someone like other people in my family where they have been overweight overweight, and then they've been doing fine, and then suddenly they start to have health problems and everything starts to go downhill. 574 00:46:08,283.095102 --> 00:46:11,853.095102 And that's probably maybe just me being fear-based, but but it also just like. 575 00:46:11,853.095102 --> 00:46:20,913.095102 When I say I have unhealthy habits, I'm talking about like living a sedentary life and turning to food for comfort there, and I don't want those habits anymore. 576 00:46:20,913.095102 --> 00:46:24,243.095102 I wanna be the girl that goes for a walk after dinner. 577 00:46:24,243.095102 --> 00:46:32,193.095102 I wanna be the person that does active things on the weekends instead of feeling so burnt out from life that all she can manage to do is like. 578 00:46:32,193.095102 --> 00:46:35,383.095102 Sit in front of the TV or sit in the sun and read a book. 579 00:46:35,383.095102 --> 00:46:36,973.095102 I wanna be the person that goes on a hike. 580 00:46:37,3.095102 --> 00:46:38,773.095102 I wanna spend more time in the river. 581 00:46:39,133.095102 --> 00:46:44,293.095102 I want to do more of the things I enjoy doing, which a lot of them are actually active things. 582 00:46:44,293.095102 --> 00:46:46,873.095102 I don't wanna feel tired and burnt out all the time. 583 00:46:46,873.095102 --> 00:46:55,303.095102 And I think the way I live my life and some of the unhealthy habits that I have contributed to that and have also contributed to my weight. 584 00:46:55,303.095102 --> 00:46:59,203.095102 And for me it's not really about a number on the scale. 585 00:46:59,363.095102 --> 00:47:01,343.095102 It's just more about how I feel in my body. 586 00:47:01,343.095102 --> 00:47:03,143.095102 I just wanna feel at peace in my body. 587 00:47:03,143.095102 --> 00:47:05,93.095102 I wanna feel sexy again. 588 00:47:05,93.095102 --> 00:47:08,513.095102 I wanna feel proud of myself when I look at myself in the mirror. 589 00:47:08,513.095102 --> 00:47:15,23.095102 And I don't feel that way right now, partially because I know I'm not doing the things to help me feel proud about my body. 590 00:47:15,23.095102 --> 00:47:22,253.095102 I often find that people who are upset about other people's bodies are usually just hurt people, and some of them have been changed for the way they look. 591 00:47:22,253.095102 --> 00:47:25,253.095102 So they need to shame others instead of being a solution. 592 00:47:25,303.095102 --> 00:47:26,953.095102 They become part of the problem. 593 00:47:27,313.095102 --> 00:47:31,33.095102 Some are really insecure, maybe not about their bodies. 594 00:47:31,33.095102 --> 00:47:36,163.095102 And some I think are angry that they have worked so hard to create the body that they have in order to keep up with peer pressure. 595 00:47:36,163.095102 --> 00:47:40,423.095102 Some of whom I don't think they even like the body they're in that now. 596 00:47:40,423.095102 --> 00:47:48,313.095102 They feel like if someone else isn't in the gym four hours a day and living off of protein shakes and chicken breast then that person is failing. 597 00:47:48,403.095102 --> 00:47:51,853.095102 And I just think there's gotta be something in the middle. 598 00:47:51,903.095102 --> 00:47:58,823.095102 I think I've met a lot of people who like conform to the pressures of society and then are pissed that I'm not conforming to the pressures of society. 599 00:47:59,213.095102 --> 00:48:05,473.095102 And so they take it out on me and it's no one said you had to either, like you should have done what felt good to you. 600 00:48:05,473.095102 --> 00:48:11,173.095102 And if going to the gym four hours a day and living off of protein shakes and chicken breast feels good to you, then great. 601 00:48:11,173.095102 --> 00:48:14,173.095102 But you don't need to go around shaming everyone else 'cause they're not doing that. 602 00:48:14,173.095102 --> 00:48:16,303.095102 And being resentful at the same time. 603 00:48:16,303.095102 --> 00:48:19,543.095102 I don't think I know a lot of fat people who resent. 604 00:48:19,543.095102 --> 00:48:32,503.095102 Thinner people who are going to the gym and eating healthy and go, like the person, it's always someone who, like when we go out to dinner or something and someone gets a salad and they go, Ugh, live it up a little ugh. 605 00:48:32,653.095102 --> 00:48:35,43.095102 Always with the salads and it's I love salad. 606 00:48:35,43.095102 --> 00:48:39,873.095102 And I like getting a salad when I go out because I don't keep beets in the house. 607 00:48:39,963.095102 --> 00:48:42,213.095102 I don't keep goat cheese in the house very often. 608 00:48:42,213.095102 --> 00:48:44,853.095102 I don't keep blue cheese and walnuts and cranberries in my house. 609 00:48:44,853.095102 --> 00:48:54,273.095102 So like when I go out, a lot of times I get like one of those like really fancy spinach salads that just have like beets and all those stuff in it because I don't have that stuff at home. 610 00:48:54,273.095102 --> 00:48:58,293.095102 So many people when I go out to eat, when I have that, they go, oh are you on a diet? But I don't know. 611 00:48:58,293.095102 --> 00:49:06,863.095102 On top of the food noise and your own noise and your own history and your own experiences, it's really hard to not have the peer pressure and other people's thoughts piled in. 612 00:49:06,863.095102 --> 00:49:07,613.095102 That is like. 613 00:49:07,613.095102 --> 00:49:14,53.095102 One of the hardest things to overcome and work through is just I've lived in a life where I'm just surrounded by peer pressure. 614 00:49:14,53.095102 --> 00:49:17,533.095102 I've been bullied, I've been bullied by people in my own family. 615 00:49:17,533.095102 --> 00:49:23,593.095102 And it was, it's funny 'cause when I think about peer pressure, I like to think about my brother my entire childhood. 616 00:49:23,593.095102 --> 00:49:27,43.095102 My brother used to make fun of me for being fat and chubby and all of that. 617 00:49:27,43.095102 --> 00:49:28,153.095102 Cut to. 618 00:49:28,153.095102 --> 00:49:28,903.095102 After he moves out. 619 00:49:28,903.095102 --> 00:49:40,253.095102 My brother is like nine, 10 years older than me, so he's older, but so cut to when he finally moves out of the house and we get to meet his girlfriend, for the first time, who eventually became my sister-in-law. 620 00:49:40,253.095102 --> 00:49:50,743.095102 But we meet her and I guess the way my brother had always treated me, I expected him to show up with this Barbie bombshell because that's what he always made me feel like I needed to look like. 621 00:49:50,743.095102 --> 00:49:53,923.095102 He was really into Pam Anderson barbed wire and stuff like that. 622 00:49:53,923.095102 --> 00:49:58,753.095102 So I just thought like that's who he's showing up with, right? Because that's, he's such an asshole. 623 00:49:58,873.095102 --> 00:50:03,373.095102 There's no way he's not gonna show up to this dinner with our family, with anyone that doesn't look like that. 624 00:50:03,373.095102 --> 00:50:07,813.095102 After all the bullshit he said to me his entire life, guess what that is not who he showed up with. 625 00:50:08,83.095102 --> 00:50:11,173.095102 He showed up with someone who was bigger. 626 00:50:11,173.095102 --> 00:50:17,443.095102 She's was lovely, like I love my sister-in-law, but but I just remember seeing that and going you fucking asshole. 627 00:50:17,533.095102 --> 00:50:21,193.095102 Like this whole time you've been giving me a hard time. 628 00:50:21,193.095102 --> 00:50:33,103.095102 And when it comes for time for you to pick your girlfriend, the person you're gonna spend time with, the person that he eventually very quickly wanted to marry, you are gonna pick someone who's bigger after all the shit you've said to me my entire life. 629 00:50:33,103.095102 --> 00:50:41,613.095102 And that's when I realized that peer pressure is bullshit because no one actually holds themselves to their own standards of people that they put that they pressure other people into. 630 00:50:41,663.095102 --> 00:50:43,973.095102 It's just, it's all a control mechanism. 631 00:50:43,973.095102 --> 00:50:45,23.095102 It's all bullshit. 632 00:50:45,23.095102 --> 00:50:46,313.095102 And that's what I learned like. 633 00:50:46,313.095102 --> 00:50:52,13.095102 None of it matters because people, most people are gonna say one thing and they're gonna do the exact fucking opposite. 634 00:50:52,13.095102 --> 00:50:56,243.095102 So that's when I started to try to let peer pressure go a little bit. 635 00:50:56,243.095102 --> 00:51:01,678.095102 That's when I first it didn't let it go immediately, but that's like when I started to really open my eyes to peer pressure's. 636 00:51:01,678.095102 --> 00:51:03,178.095102 Not really where it's at. 637 00:51:03,178.095102 --> 00:51:11,268.095102 There's a lot of fuckery going on in this peer pressure, So acceptance is something I've been thinking a lot about and I know I started this podcast being like, fuck acceptance. 638 00:51:11,538.095102 --> 00:51:13,578.095102 I tired of compromising all that. 639 00:51:13,578.095102 --> 00:51:20,628.095102 That is not really, first of all, I was bitter because I was dealing with a bunch of face stuff this morning, so I wasn't really feeling it. 640 00:51:20,778.095102 --> 00:51:27,908.095102 But there is an art to acceptance and if you don't like your body, if I don't like the way my face looks right now. 641 00:51:27,908.095102 --> 00:51:31,328.095102 I think you still have to accept where you are right now. 642 00:51:31,408.095102 --> 00:51:34,288.095102 You have to meet yourself with a certain level of kindness. 643 00:51:34,618.095102 --> 00:51:47,38.095102 You can want something different, but still not have to rip yourself to shreds because no matter how much or how little weight you wanna lose, or if it's not weight, or if you just wanna feel stronger, or maybe you're like me and you have a skin issue. 644 00:51:47,38.095102 --> 00:51:48,958.095102 You have to meet yourself where you're at now. 645 00:51:48,958.095102 --> 00:51:56,68.095102 You have to accept where you are now because if you keep ripping yourself to shreds in the meantime, you are never gonna get where you wanna be. 646 00:51:56,68.095102 --> 00:52:01,468.095102 And you're always gonna feel miserable, and I realize that like acceptance always sounds counterintuitive. 647 00:52:01,868.095102 --> 00:52:03,758.095102 If I accept myself, then I shouldn't wanna change. 648 00:52:03,758.095102 --> 00:52:06,368.095102 But that's not really like what acceptance is. 649 00:52:06,368.095102 --> 00:52:07,778.095102 And that's not true. 650 00:52:07,808.095102 --> 00:52:10,178.095102 Like you can accept yourself and still want to do better. 651 00:52:10,178.095102 --> 00:52:13,88.095102 You can accept where you're at and still want to change. 652 00:52:13,88.095102 --> 00:52:19,358.095102 And I think it's easier when we frame acceptance in things like like in something like a boundary or something. 653 00:52:19,408.095102 --> 00:52:20,698.095102 It's so much easier to be like. 654 00:52:20,698.095102 --> 00:52:32,68.095102 I know I'm trying to get better at setting boundaries and I'm still slipping here and there, but overall I'm doing much better and I accept that like I'm bad at boundaries and I'm learning to do better. 655 00:52:32,128.095102 --> 00:52:36,268.095102 And you can give yourself like a little bit of grace and not. 656 00:52:36,268.095102 --> 00:52:38,848.095102 And be able to like move through your day without spiraling over it. 657 00:52:39,28.095102 --> 00:52:45,778.095102 But when it comes to accepting our bodies or accepting something physical for whatever reason, at least for me, it just is 10 times harder. 658 00:52:46,178.095102 --> 00:52:49,28.095102 I can accept a lot of things about myself and I can accept that. 659 00:52:49,28.095102 --> 00:52:54,908.095102 Like I don't always say the right thing and I sometimes stick my foot in my mouth and all this stuff, and I can be self-conscious and anxious. 660 00:52:54,938.095102 --> 00:52:58,448.095102 I can accept all of that and move through life knowing those things about myself. 661 00:52:58,778.095102 --> 00:53:08,361.9953288 But when it comes to physical stuff, it is so much harder, I think to accept yourself and, I wanna work on things like codependency, but I also love that I'm an empathetic person. 662 00:53:09,211.9953288 --> 00:53:12,175.442102 My empathy definitely morphed into codependency at some point. 663 00:53:12,295.442102 --> 00:53:13,675.442102 I don't wanna lose that part of me. 664 00:53:13,675.442102 --> 00:53:18,835.442102 I like that part of me, but I also know that I need to improve my codependency. 665 00:53:19,135.442102 --> 00:53:26,929.3196531 And acceptance doesn't mean you're okay with a situation or circumstance, and I think we hear acceptance and we think that just means I'm perfectly okay. 666 00:53:27,889.3196531 --> 00:53:31,804.716102 And everything's a hundred percent positive and that's not really it. 667 00:53:31,894.716102 --> 00:53:35,554.716102 That sounds like what acceptance is, but that's not actually what acceptance is. 668 00:53:35,554.716102 --> 00:53:39,4.716102 It just means that we recognize where things are currently at. 669 00:53:39,4.716102 --> 00:53:43,54.716102 I think therapists explained acceptance to me once that it was like a neutral state. 670 00:53:43,84.716102 --> 00:53:44,14.716102 There's no judgment. 671 00:53:44,224.716102 --> 00:53:45,574.716102 It's a statement of facts. 672 00:53:45,574.716102 --> 00:53:49,564.716102 You don't need to like or agree with the current state to accept that it is. 673 00:53:49,819.716102 --> 00:53:58,89.716102 So my acceptance of myself, for like how this looks with me and my body, particularly my weight, is that I don't need to beat myself up every day for my weight. 674 00:53:58,89.716102 --> 00:53:59,949.716102 That's not gonna help me hit my goals faster. 675 00:53:59,949.716102 --> 00:54:02,289.716102 That's not gonna get me outside to do something active. 676 00:54:02,559.716102 --> 00:54:09,969.716102 It's also allowing me to buy a couple of new outfits at the size that I am right now because I have this body right now and I need new pants. 677 00:54:09,969.716102 --> 00:54:12,9.716102 So I went out and I bought new pants. 678 00:54:12,294.716102 --> 00:54:17,544.716102 Usually I tell myself, you can get new pants when you've lost the weight, when you've earned it, earned those new pants. 679 00:54:17,544.716102 --> 00:54:19,344.716102 And some people might see that as well. 680 00:54:19,344.716102 --> 00:54:22,824.716102 You're just setting a goal, but not having decent pants makes me feel like shit. 681 00:54:23,154.716102 --> 00:54:27,534.716102 And it reminds me of when I could only fit into pajama pants when I was a kid. 682 00:54:27,804.716102 --> 00:54:36,454.716102 So that's all I wore for half the year and people made fun of me at the time, they just didn't really make kids' clothes that were in the size that I wore. 683 00:54:36,454.716102 --> 00:54:43,804.716102 So if I wanted to buy pants, I'd have to go to like dress barn, which was for like 50-year-old women, and that was like embarrassing. 684 00:54:43,804.716102 --> 00:54:56,974.716102 And when I went to school, you could tell that I was wearing something from dress barn and that it made me feel like I was a 40-year-old administrative assistant at my high school, rather than a 17-year-old trying to get through school. 685 00:54:56,974.716102 --> 00:55:00,604.716102 Another example of acceptance that I love is I never used to wear shorts. 686 00:55:00,754.716102 --> 00:55:01,384.716102 Never did. 687 00:55:01,774.716102 --> 00:55:05,644.716102 It's been a long, I can't, I didn't wear shorts in the summer when I was younger. 688 00:55:05,644.716102 --> 00:55:11,844.716102 I think between the ages of 15 and probably 34. 689 00:55:11,844.716102 --> 00:55:13,134.716102 I never wore shorts. 690 00:55:13,134.716102 --> 00:55:15,189.716102 I would go the entire summer without a short. 691 00:55:15,189.716102 --> 00:55:16,479.716102 Barely any skirts. 692 00:55:16,869.716102 --> 00:55:19,959.716102 The most I would do is like a Capri legging maybe. 693 00:55:20,79.716102 --> 00:55:22,999.716102 And that was rare which was still pretty hot most days. 694 00:55:22,999.716102 --> 00:55:32,59.716102 And a couple years ago, when I met my most recent ex, I just figured, what the hell? Why am I not wearing shorts? Everyone else is, and I'm dying all summer. 695 00:55:32,269.716102 --> 00:55:34,759.716102 So I finally said, fuck it, I'm gonna wear shorts. 696 00:55:34,939.716102 --> 00:55:37,69.716102 And to me that's a form of acceptance. 697 00:55:37,69.716102 --> 00:55:39,769.716102 My body is what it is, but I still gotta wear shorts. 698 00:55:39,769.716102 --> 00:55:41,689.716102 I still need to feel cool in the summer. 699 00:55:41,689.716102 --> 00:55:44,159.716102 And it was really freeing, to just just be like. 700 00:55:44,159.716102 --> 00:55:44,369.716102 Fuck it. 701 00:55:44,369.716102 --> 00:55:45,239.716102 I'm just gonna do it. 702 00:55:45,269.716102 --> 00:55:55,499.716102 Like, why am I torturing myself? No, who cares? I used to love swimming as a kid, but as I got older, I hated being in a bathing suit, so I avoided this thing that I love. 703 00:55:55,499.716102 --> 00:56:03,909.716102 Then again, like I met my most recent ex, and he loves swimming, and he got me back into swimming, and I was back in a swimsuit for the first time in a very long time. 704 00:56:03,909.716102 --> 00:56:06,219.716102 For the longest time, I wasn't accepting my body. 705 00:56:06,219.716102 --> 00:56:14,609.716102 I wasn't accepting where I'm at, and it just made me feel so small and like I needed to get out of everyone else's way, and that I was just like taking up space that I didn't deserve. 706 00:56:14,609.716102 --> 00:56:29,59.716102 And honestly, when I'm in a mental state where I accept my body more and I treat myself and my body with kindness, those have traditionally been the times when I feel the healthiest, when I'm the most active, when I'm the most successful with losing weight and when I feel the most. 707 00:56:29,59.716102 --> 00:56:37,189.716102 Comfortable in my body and some of it is because I'm losing weight, but I actually think a lot of it is just because I feel better about myself. 708 00:56:37,189.716102 --> 00:56:41,149.716102 So the losing the weight is still important to me, but it's not the end all be all. 709 00:56:41,149.716102 --> 00:56:45,544.716102 I'm not back to that mind state that I was in when I was 13 years old. 710 00:56:45,544.716102 --> 00:56:51,334.716102 Eating cabbage soup 24 7 and jumping on my trampoline, there's just not that same kind of pressure there. 711 00:56:51,334.716102 --> 00:56:54,784.716102 So I think acceptance is really powerful and I'm trying to accept my body. 712 00:56:54,784.716102 --> 00:56:55,534.716102 I'm trying to. 713 00:56:55,534.716102 --> 00:57:01,114.716102 Except my body every day, and not just like in these sporadic moments and be grateful that I have a healthy body. 714 00:57:01,114.716102 --> 00:57:04,564.716102 I was really nervous that this last doctor's visit that there would be something wrong. 715 00:57:04,874.716102 --> 00:57:08,894.716102 Just because it had been a couple years since I had done a really thorough physical, but there wasn't. 716 00:57:08,894.716102 --> 00:57:19,244.716102 and I trying to be grateful for that because there are people who have gone to those doctor's visits and they are not, there are people who, aren't able bodied and can't get around as easily as I can. 717 00:57:19,244.716102 --> 00:57:23,504.716102 And I feel like I am not taking advantage of having a body that could do that for me. 718 00:57:23,504.716102 --> 00:57:30,769.716102 As I get older, I'm also thinking a lot about people like my grandmother and my great aunt who are much older than me, obviously, they're in their eighties. 719 00:57:31,159.716102 --> 00:57:38,519.716102 They can, they have a hard time walking and not just because they're old, it's because they just haven't lived an active life. 720 00:57:38,619.716102 --> 00:57:52,789.716102 And, but there are people who are also in their eighties at the same retirement homes or at the same church groups or whatever that they're going to, and they are still running marathons at the same age, or, they're going for four mile walks every day. 721 00:57:52,849.716102 --> 00:57:53,689.716102 And. 722 00:57:53,689.716102 --> 00:57:55,219.716102 You would never guess that they're 84. 723 00:57:55,219.716102 --> 00:57:58,279.716102 I don't wanna be 84 looking like 104. 724 00:57:58,359.716102 --> 00:58:02,709.716102 I'm 38 and I always make this joke like I'm 38, but I feel a hundred. 725 00:58:02,709.716102 --> 00:58:05,169.716102 And it's like I'm doing that to be funny. 726 00:58:05,289.716102 --> 00:58:13,829.716102 But it's also there are some days where I wake up and I feel like why is, why do I feel so old? It's because I'm not really taking care of this body that I have. 727 00:58:13,829.716102 --> 00:58:15,479.716102 I'm not being mindful about it. 728 00:58:16,139.716102 --> 00:58:24,749.716102 I'm not making the decisions that I know would help me feel better in my body, regardless of weight. 729 00:58:24,929.716102 --> 00:58:29,9.716102 Just things that made me feel better in my body. 730 00:58:29,519.716102 --> 00:58:49,454.716102 And another thing I wanna mention about the idea of losing weight, and I mean, I think it's odd that I feel like I have to, I feel like I'm trying to defend why I wanna lose weight But another thing I wanna note about why I wanna lose weight is 'cause yes, I wanna be more mindful, but I also just don't feel like I'm in control of my. 731 00:58:50,419.716102 --> 00:58:55,309.716102 Body anymore or I that I'm even in control of my mind anymore. 732 00:58:55,969.716102 --> 00:58:59,509.716102 It feels like my body and my mind are just sort of running amuck and I'm. 733 00:58:59,509.716102 --> 00:59:04,249.716102 Just here for the ride, and I don't actually have any control over it. 734 00:59:04,579.716102 --> 00:59:20,109.716102 And that's probably why I exert a lot of control over other people why I'm so codependent and with my exes, I've tried to control everything and I'm, why I'm so particular because I can't, I don't feel like I have control over this thing that I should have the most control over. 735 00:59:20,379.716102 --> 00:59:24,399.716102 If there's anything in my life that I should be able to control more, it is. 736 00:59:24,954.716102 --> 00:59:30,564.716102 My body and what I'm doing to my body and how I am helping my body or not helping my body. 737 00:59:31,14.716102 --> 00:59:42,684.716102 And, but instead, what I do is I just exert control over everything else I can in my life just to kind of take the attention off of myself, because I know that it's probably the hardest thing. 738 00:59:42,684.716102 --> 00:59:52,584.716102 I can do right now is to pay attention to myself and my body and be present in my body and my mind because I felt so disconnected from it for so long. 739 00:59:53,154.716102 --> 00:59:54,414.716102 You know, there's a lot of fear there. 740 00:59:54,414.716102 --> 01:00:03,984.716102 Like I'm, I am nervous, like this whole journey, like we talk, when we talk about self-growth journeys and self-improvement, I think a lot of it comes. 741 01:00:04,584.716102 --> 01:00:10,764.716102 A lot of it gives us this vibe of like, go Girl and positive vibes and everything. 742 01:00:10,764.716102 --> 01:00:17,94.716102 But I don't know that we talk enough about how scary it is to face yourself. 743 01:00:17,94.716102 --> 01:00:31,404.716102 If you're someone who has some real demons inside of them, if you're someone who is struggling with certain things, whether it's like depression and what all those underlying things, like if there are emotional reasons for your depression. 744 01:00:31,404.716102 --> 01:00:35,664.716102 Guilt from your past and that also all feeds into emotional eating. 745 01:00:35,664.716102 --> 01:00:42,894.716102 Emotional eating is not just about like getting a dopamine hit, it's also about like not knowing how to cope with your emotions in any way other than distracting your mind. 746 01:00:42,954.716102 --> 01:00:46,134.716102 And for me, that's why I binge eat a lot. 747 01:00:46,134.716102 --> 01:00:50,634.716102 It's just for those 30 minutes, all I'm doing is thinking about whatever food I'm snacking on. 748 01:00:50,634.716102 --> 01:00:54,594.716102 I get to disassociate from reality while I'm eating. 749 01:00:54,984.716102 --> 01:00:56,214.716102 My brain shuts off. 750 01:00:56,889.716102 --> 01:01:10,239.716102 Um, because it's, I think because it's just so overwhelmed by the chemical reactions that are happening now that like my brain gets to shut off and my brain doesn't get to shut off much during the day. 751 01:01:11,49.716102 --> 01:01:14,799.716102 So I looks forward to that release so. 752 01:01:14,799.716102 --> 01:01:24,249.716102 It can be really scary to like turn towards these emotions and turn towards these behaviors that have probably gone unchecked for a very long time. 753 01:01:24,939.716102 --> 01:01:27,789.716102 You know, I have a habit of not. 754 01:01:28,179.716102 --> 01:01:45,519.716102 Focusing on things and procrastinating on things until they become so unmanageable that I just either explode or I implode and I don't, I need, I wanna stop that cycle of explosion, implosion, explosion, implosion. 755 01:01:45,519.716102 --> 01:02:12,379.716102 I want to go through most days at like an even keel, an even caliber, so I know that this episode has gone on really, really long, but it's, I think it speaks to how complex and deep rooted a lot of these feelings are for me, and I think that they're deep rooted for a lot of people, which makes them so complex and why I think a lot of people have a hard time talking about. 756 01:02:13,24.716102 --> 01:02:13,984.716102 These things. 757 01:02:14,584.716102 --> 01:02:21,464.716102 I mean, I probably shared things in this episode that I've like never shared with some of my closest friends or, people I've dated. 758 01:02:21,464.716102 --> 01:02:27,434.716102 Like I don't know that I've ever let them inside my mind quite like I have in this episode. 759 01:02:27,434.716102 --> 01:02:29,174.716102 And it really is only scratching the surface. 760 01:02:29,174.716102 --> 01:02:32,134.716102 This is just kind of like a summary of my history. 761 01:02:32,539.716102 --> 01:02:36,349.716102 About very specific things that have to do with body image. 762 01:02:36,679.716102 --> 01:02:38,179.716102 But they are some of the big ones. 763 01:02:38,239.716102 --> 01:02:57,289.716102 And I don't know that I really have done justice to all these things, but I think that is part of the messiness of self-improvement and healing is at some point you just gotta like, at least scratch the surface and then you can dig deeper later. 764 01:02:57,289.716102 --> 01:03:00,109.716102 But if you never scratch the surface of it, if you never at least. 765 01:03:00,109.716102 --> 01:03:03,799.716102 Name the issue that you're having, you're never gonna address it. 766 01:03:04,189.716102 --> 01:03:19,639.716102 So I guess I would consider that's what this episode is, is just me sort of stating an intention and starting to think about why these things are the way that they are and why they mean so much to me, and why am I spending so much time in my day talking about them. 767 01:03:20,569.716102 --> 01:03:25,759.716102 And I think getting them out in a way like I'm doing here is. 768 01:03:25,759.716102 --> 01:03:28,969.716102 Very cathartic and it's a good first step in all of that. 769 01:03:29,619.716102 --> 01:03:33,549.716102 There's also one thing I wanna correct again, I know this is running so, so long. 770 01:03:33,969.716102 --> 01:03:40,239.716102 I do think it'd be like really interesting to do an episode about the books I read as a kid. 771 01:03:40,629.716102 --> 01:04:00,634.716102 And in the nineties and early two thousands there was this like phenomenon of like I was saying earlier, these anonymous diaries, but also just memoirs about drinking drug use, sexual abuse, and depression and, and a lot of eating disorder books. 772 01:04:00,634.716102 --> 01:04:03,124.716102 And so I, I think that would be very interesting. 773 01:04:03,154.716102 --> 01:04:05,584.716102 'cause I feel like I read every one of them that came out. 774 01:04:05,614.716102 --> 01:04:07,174.716102 I think I'm gonna do an episode on that. 775 01:04:07,174.716102 --> 01:04:16,14.716102 I think maybe I'll reread some of these books and see like, what was I gravitating towards when I was a kid? But I did take a break real quick to look up. 776 01:04:16,14.716102 --> 01:04:16,974.716102 It was really bothering me. 777 01:04:16,974.716102 --> 01:04:19,584.716102 What the name of that book was that I was trying to remember earlier. 778 01:04:20,4.716102 --> 01:04:21,744.716102 It's called Second Start of the Right. 779 01:04:21,744.716102 --> 01:04:26,304.716102 And it was written in 1981 by Deborah Hotze. 780 01:04:26,634.716102 --> 01:04:27,804.716102 I might have butchered that name. 781 01:04:28,134.716102 --> 01:04:29,724.716102 Um, and it wasn't an anonymous diary. 782 01:04:29,724.716102 --> 01:04:34,254.716102 It was just a work of fiction, but it was about this teen age girl, I think her name was Leslie. 783 01:04:34,444.716102 --> 01:04:36,154.716102 And her battle with. 784 01:04:37,69.716102 --> 01:04:38,179.716102 Anorexia Na Rosa. 785 01:04:38,179.716102 --> 01:04:40,129.716102 So I was obsessed with that book. 786 01:04:40,129.716102 --> 01:04:41,929.716102 I read it, I remember. 787 01:04:42,499.716102 --> 01:04:45,559.716102 I just wanna say like, this shows the level of obsession I had with it. 788 01:04:45,559.716102 --> 01:05:07,444.716102 I was camping with my friend Robin and her family and all I did the whole day that we were camping there is sat in their like RV just reading this book and basically like ignoring my friend the whole time because I was so engrossed by this book and it, looking back, it was so fucking rude. 789 01:05:07,684.716102 --> 01:05:12,844.716102 I mean, she was like also kind of obsessed with it, but not, I think for the same reasons I was. 790 01:05:12,894.716102 --> 01:05:21,474.716102 But, so I just wanted to call out that book because I was, it was really bothering me and I, I hate when there's like a name on the tip of my tongue and I can't quite get it, but this episode is wrong so long. 791 01:05:21,474.716102 --> 01:05:23,94.716102 But thank you guys for bearing with me. 792 01:05:23,444.716102 --> 01:05:25,34.716102 I really appreciate you listening. 793 01:05:25,844.716102 --> 01:05:30,974.716102 As always, you can find me on Instagram at Solitary Creature Pod DM me. 794 01:05:30,974.716102 --> 01:05:32,594.716102 Let me know how you're liking the show. 795 01:05:32,694.716102 --> 01:05:41,424.716102 If there's any topics that like you'd be interested in hearing about, I'm always, wanting to know what's interesting to you guys and what you're finding relatable and all of that. 796 01:05:41,424.716102 --> 01:05:44,34.716102 So tune in next week. 797 01:05:44,34.716102 --> 01:05:44,934.716102 I'll see you there. 798 01:05:45,24.716102 --> 01:05:45,594.716102 Bye.